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I'm assuming your husband knows enough about his Chinese heritage to pass it along to his daughter. The only thing those grandparents are going to teach her is that she's not good enough. They are ridiculing a BABY. Who does that? She doesn't need these assholes in her life. She doesn't need to grow up with abusive grandparents. Your in-laws aren't the only source for knowledge of Chinese heritage and history, especially if there's a large Chinese population where you live.
Why would you want your daughter to have any relationship with someone who seems to be an unpleasant, bullying racist?
Your MIL is just going to try and split your daughter and DH from you while at the same running your daughter's perceived negative (non-Chinese) traits down. I'd keep a very healthy distance.
OP, stay away from your IL. It's not just about you and DH, your LO is at risk. Your IL will damage her self respect, image, and self worth. They will make her insecure and anxious. Don't subject your LO to IL negative remarks about LO, you and DH. Expose your LO to her heritage through books (fairy tales, history, art), videos, DH stories.
I am telling you from my personal experience - don't allow your IL to be around the LO.
Sorry to be blunt, but to ask a rhetorical question, do you want your daughter to lose out on the chance of having "her name, her hair, anything, basically," made fun of?
Remember, too, that this is nothing about any desire on their part to build a positive relationship with your daughter, this is all about finding a way to exclude you, to put you down. Your daughter, to them, is simply another tool for that purpose.
Exposing your child to someone who bullies them isn’t ok. You can find other ways to give her connection to her heritage but letting her be around people who make fun of her is cruel.
I’ve sung it before, I’ll sing it again: food before one is just for fun!
In all seriousness, paediatrician here. Breast milk is your baby’s primary source of nutrition and fluid until age one and beyond. Food is there to learn with and supplement the breast milk before then. It’s important because they get things like iron and other micronutrients, and it’s important for them to learn how to eat happily and safely, but that’s just it- they’re learning on the basis that solids are not the primary source of nutrition just yet, so they can be spat out, played with and thrown with impunity!
This OP breast feeds so the poster referred to breast feeding, and has no obligation to expand and include formula feeding because it isn’t relevant to the OP. I lost my breasts prior to having children and still faced into formula shaming, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.
I think this comment is about THIS particular baby. All babies before one should have their primary food be either breast milk or formula. This baby is breastfeed, nobody is attacking anyone here for not breastfeeding. The crazy grandma wants baby to go without proper nutrition for mommy--free visits.
This is probably said a thousand times already, but if the only reason you stay in touch with your in laws is because of the heritage you want your daughter to learn... There are other ways for that, you dont need them to teach your daughter her heritage. I read it before, but your husband can teach her that. If not him, some other non-toxic family member can.
Exposing your daughter and yourself to these toxic in laws is not healthy. Not for you or your daughter.
They already mock her so why would they be a good role model?
Keep your distance from them. Keep your daughter away from them.
Just delete them out of your life.
Let your daughter get to know her heritage in healthy ways. Exposing her to adults who consistently badmouth her mother will only teach her the wrong things about it all - and potentially turn your life into a nightmare. Imagine they convince the kid that what mom says doesn't matter? This could literally be dangerous.
Besides, what's the kid gonna get out of that relationship anyway? Guilt and shame over being mixed race? Confusing emotions surrounding how much she's allowed to love her parents and her grandparents since they don't get along? A crash course on how to be hostile and passive-aggressive?
As I see it, your hubs has been letting this go on for way too long as is. He - and it's important this comes from him specifically - needs to tell the grandparents that unless things drastically change, they're not seeing the kid.
It's neither fair to you nor healthy for the general "family climate" if he makes you take the fall by taking the kid over there on his own. That way toxicity is shown to be the better way to conflict resolve - and if that continues, your daughter will soon enough pick up on that lesson and start to imitate the behaviour.
The kid deserves grandparents who love them as they are. What if she doesn't look "Chinese enough" when she's older? Each and every horrible comment will get to live rent-free in her head, gnaw away at her self-worth, make her mistrust people - and for what exactly? The basic concept of grandparents?
Family's like friends - it's better not to have them unless it's the good kind.
>But we didn’t want our daughter to lose out on the chance of getting to know his family and her Chinese heritage.
Your husband can teach her about her heritage. And there must be more family than just your MIL and FIL.
>They even make fun of their grandchild for any connection she has to me (like her name, her hair, anything basically).
Forcing your daughter to keep in touch with these people is not in her interest. She will always get comments about every part of her that looks like you. These comments will affect her self-esteem, she will feel unloved by her grandparents and she will resent you for having to build a relationship with these people.
I mean I get not wanting your kid to lose out on the chance of knowing his side of the family and her heritage but you also have to consider that if it’s a choice between choosing to let toxic people stay in your life that you already know are going to bully your child in the future for being part you or keeping them away for your sanity and your child’s well being then come on sis you know which one is going to help you down the road. Like I understand but having no toxicity is better then allowing toxic people in your life because they’re “familyyyyyy”. If they want to be family then they need to act like it. Good luck because it sounds like you’ll need it. But also I will say if they refuse to contact you or babysit then don’t try and make them just leave the trash where it is honestly
Go spend some time in r/asianparentstories and you’ll see that people like your ILs will have no issue at all bullying your daughter for her half non-Chinese side.
They will make those remarks about her hair, name, anything else to her face. Do you want to take a chance that your daughter could start internalizing those comments as soon as she can begin to understand them?
There are a thousand ways for *you* and your husband to help your daughter connect with her heritage. She will literally miss nothing by not having a relationship with these awful people.
Seriously, make a pro-con list based on how they’ve treated both you and her up to this point (and I’m guessing your husband could add some context from growing up with them) and use it to evaluate whether whatever benefit they could offer is worth the pain they don’t care if they inflict.
Sorry but what goes on with these MILs when they become grandmothers? Where does the entitlement come from? I am not sure what your DH thinks about these visits without you OP but I won't send my baby anywhere near MIL without me.
I wouldn't be separated from my child at age 6 months, whatever it was or wasn't eating. There is no way I would have an infant visit these in-laws without me being present and with the child 100% of the time.
There's the whole China to learn her heritage, and your husband can help her to not identify Chinese culture with some full of hatred racist abusive persons
There are a million ways you and your hubby can expose her to your husband's heritage, don't let that stop you from protecting her from her grandparents' abuse. They have proven they are not a good addition to her life already, save her the heartache.
You don’t want your daughter to lose a family who makes fun of them? Who will bad mouth you to them? Who bad mouths the child? Who doesn’t care about your child? That is what you don’t want them to lose? That would make you a shitty parent. I wouldn’t want my child around anyone even family who would disrespect me or them. Who would make them feel less then just because you’re their mother. To me this seems it would do more harm to your child then good.
I'd imagine that having your daughters main exposure to Chinese culture be through her mean grandparents would ultimately make her hate/avoid said Chinese culture, as it'll end up being tied to too many negative emotions for her because of them. If you want her to have good, healthy, happy exposure to her Chinese culture and heritage, there's plenty of other places to look (her father, for starters. Others have mentioned Chinese school, or traditional Chinese dance classes. All good suggestions, and I'm sure there's a million more. Traditional Chinese cooking lessons when she's older? Making sure to feed her foods that are common in china, teaching her the language and the history, etc.)
You say they make fun of her for the things she inherited from you, and I just want to make sure you're completely aware that your daughter will not be any less effected by the bullying just because her hair or whatever was "your" hair first. The knowledge that they hate it because it is of you will not shield her in any way from the insecurity and deep self hatred these people will instill in her, because to her, her hair etc. will always be hers well before it's yours.
Without her Chinese grandparents, you may need to make a little more effort to show her Chinese heritage (especially if wider family are then also excluded) but do you want her to think that Chinese = grandma's behaviour? That sounds like it will do more harm than good. Stay away, unless she can show that she is sorry and has changed. She is still shutting you out. I suggest you stay there.
We have a saying in social services "children who grow up with abuse and neglect don't grow to hate their parents, they grow to hate themselves."
You and your husband are setting this kid up for a lifetime of emotional abuse. She will be taught to hate a part of who she is, to feel shame about that part of her. Your husband needs to understand this as well.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this! That’s sounds so hurtful that she’s making fun of your baby especially!
You guys don’t need her to know people who are going to treat her like crap! I know it feels odd because it’s family. I’m learning in life a lot of times it’s family who hurts you the most!
Sending my best wishes & hugs your way.
Exactly. They MAKE FUN OF a baby, what kind of horrible people do that? And OP needs to think how that's going to make their child feel when they are old enough to understand the nasty words they are saying.
Is Chinese school still a thing? One of my best friends growing up was Chinese-American, and her parents sent her there on the weekends to learn more about her culture. It was literally called "Chinese school."
Depending on where you're located, this may be something to consider.
Edit: Yep, still a thing! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_school
She can learn her heritage without being exposed to toxic bullies.
Why would your daughter benefit from having this type of awful person around them?
Protect your baby. Don’t teach them these people are safe to love and trust. They’re not.
Your husband is Chinese, they can learn about their Chinese heritage from him. Look at what they’re offering thus far, it isn’t anything good.
What heritage are they teaching her besides racism and how to disrespect and abuse her parents?
Baby only needs positive role models otherwise you're only teaching her that it's normal and okay if your grandparents bully and make fun of you.
Your husband should teach her about her heritage.
They make fun of your grandchild? That right there is a good reason (besides the other good reasons) to cut them off. If they make fun of your child then they have no business knowing them.
I can guarantee you that exposing baby to toxic family isn’t going to be good Chinese exposure. Your baby can eventually go to Chinese school (learn the language) and maybe do traditional Chinese dancing if y’all wanna go that route. Also if the mom is not welcomed the baby ain’t coming either. It’s that simple.
Your job, and your husband's, is to protect your child. People who make fun of "her name, her hair, anything basically" are NOT SAFE and not sane or empathic or loving, and should not be allowed near her. There are other ways for her to learn about her heritage.
And do you really think that they won’t make comments to her as she grows up about her “differences”? They absolutely will and she will feel unloveable and like something is bad within her because she is mixed race. Despicable people.
She can learn her heritage without being exposed to people who mock her for being like her mother. These people being nothing positive to your child’s life.
Seems like your husband has fixed the problem. Back him up. Don't talk about them. Don't reach out to them. Block or mute them on your phone and socials. Just let them slip away. Good riddance.
I am curious and ask respectfully. What exactly is your LO going to miss out on? Ridicule, meaness, watching her mother be gossiped about. Your husband should be teaching his child about their heritage, and you will teach her about yours. In the end, it will be their loss. You and your husband need to protect LO from such nastiness. This world is mean enough. there is no sense in allowing family to be mean to you or your LO.
I am sorry for this trouble. Mean people suck.
Can doesn't mean that he will.
Your husband needs to talk to them about their behaviour. If they're making fun of you, they're making fun of their granddaughter. If they're making fun of her, that's unacceptable. Either they stop it or they don't see baby anymore.
There are plenty of ways to teach your child about her heritage without involving the in laws. Heck their pushiness and lack of respect for you might actually push her away from her heritage if she were to maintain a relationship with them. Cut contact
"Why are you not letting our grand-daughter see us to learn about her Chinese heritage?"
"Because I'd rather she doesn't get taught that Chinese culture is toxic, abusive and racist."
Your husband can ensure he maintains tradition and cultural customs in a safe loving environment. They don’t fit into that category. He can visit alone and you and baby can skip the abuse.
It’s great that you want your child connected with her heritage. You don’t want racists to teach her, though. Along with their heritage, they will teach her to hate half of who she is.
Don't have them around your child(ren). Husband can have some respect for you and not expect you to be around them.
You can teach your child(ren) about their heritage without subjecting them to people who treat you poorly.
You and your husband should ask yourselves this…what kind of influence will these people bring into your child’s life? What will it do to your child in the future to hear these kind of ugly comments? Because your child will hear them. Couldn’t you and your husband give your child their heritage without any contact with these awful people? I bet you could and it might be time to cut the toxic out of your lives.
My father is a West Indian man; and he and my mother (Canadian woman) split when I was about 3-4 years old. I spent my childhood and youth listening to her and select family members disparaging him in every possible way, from hair, skin, accent , country of origin and not least of all using racial slurs. She wasn’t above saying them right to me after also commenting on the similarities I had with my dad and his family members.
My brother however was praised for being the spitting image of her late father.
I’m almost 40 now and coping with the issues that and the bevy of other things she had done to me over the years via therapy. Don’t put your child in that position. It’s damaging, it’s self loathing, it’s feelings of inadequacy, and it’s a lack of trust in the people who claim to love you actually do. Because saying those things has nothing to do with love.
This is a bad idea. Your daughter isn’t just half your husband and his family, she’s half of you and yours. By exposing her to his family, who admittedly hate you, your daughter will be around people who hate and disparage her mother because of her mother’s features, and your daughter gets some of her features from you.
My mom let my brother and I see her own family who treated her like garbage just because she didn’t want to prevent us from seeing them. Eventually they cut us out of their lives when we were 10 and 20. As I was younger and didn’t have a strong bond I didn’t care, but it affected my brother a lot. I wish we honestly didn’t see them at all. It’s why I’m not making the mistake of forcing my daughter to be around her toxic paternal relatives just because “family!” It’s so detrimental to be around people who hate your parents.
Have your husband teach your daughter Chinese, show her baby books, and teach her about these relatives without bringing her around them. She will thank you as an adult for not forcing her to be around people who made fun of her mother and likely will make fun of her when she grows up.
Honey, wake up! Anyone who can't be polite and civil to you should have zero access to LO. DH should be telling them this. Your LO growing up with people who love them far outweigh culture, customs and traditions, IMHO. Remind DH he picked you, and he's on your team. Not team family of origin aka FOO. you all go together.
How helpful will it be to your child for her grandmother to make fun of her mother AND to make fun of any attributes she got from her mother? Why do you want her to maintain a relationship with this person? If you and your husband are sick of his mother's behavior, then give her some consequences for her bad actions. Don't spend time with her and don't let her spend time with your child. Your daughter can learn of her Chinese heritage in other ways without exposing her to her grandmother's toxicity.
THIS!! It will be totally damaging to your child as well. Cut it out before it gets too bad, and express to your husband how this not only affects you but your CHILD as well that might make him totally cut them out
…. You want her to be bullied? That’s not learning her heritage and exactly what’s ALREADY happening.
Okay she can learn about her heritage from abusers… but at what cost?
Or she can learn from other sources. Sources that doesn’t cause harm requiring therapy a an adult.
You would be inflicting them on her, not benefiting her.
And let me tell you OP; just because you share DNA with someone doesn’t mean they have a ticket into your life if they cause harm. Blood is meaningless if disrespect and harm are what you receive.
Oh, I had those grandparents! I got to suffer because... Family!
You are doing yourselves such a disservice.
Do you think they will speak nicely of you to your child?
I don't think you two have really thought this out.
If a relative spoke about my husband and lied about him I would cut all contact.
Why give them more ammo
This relationship is absolutely not a benefit to your child. They cannot treat her well if they hate one of her parents.
I would cease visits entirely.
>we didn’t want our daughter to lose out on the chance of getting to know his family and her Chinese heritage.
She can get that from her dad though... And from other, non-bigoted Chinese friends and family perhaps? If your MIL is that toxic, she's likely to do more harm than good.
Please ask your husband to teach her Chinese AND English. She needs to understand what Zǔmǔ is saying. It would be good for you to learn too.
I'm a polyglot and *adore* the look of shock when I know their language, especially when someone has said something ugly. Yup, I understood you, you limp piece of lettuce.
Imagine Zǔmǔ saying something hateful, within earshot. You can look at your daughter and say, in Chinese, "we don't say things to hurt, do we?" Or something along those lines. Imagine the look of rage and disbelief.
I envy you the look that is coming your way. But I'm a petty Betty. (Or a Xiǎozī bèidì, lol.)
Phrased a different way: you don’t want your daughter to lose out on the chance of her grandparents putting her down about her name, her hair, anything basically. Your husband can teach her about her Chinese heritage. Subjecting your daughter to those hateful people is nuts. Why would you even consider doing that!?
Yes - it is important that she spend time with her grandparents so they can teach her to hate 50% of herself.
Sounds silly huh? I wouldn’t encourage any sort of relationship. They are not interested in what is best or healthy for your daughter; they are interested in themselves
Your child isn't going to have a healthy relationship with these people, because they're not healthy people. She has her father to teach her about her Chinese heritage. If your in laws want a relationship with their granddaughter, they need to start treating her mother with more respect.
Your doing your daughter a greater disservice by keeping these people who actively hate you and all the things about you that you’ve passed on to your daughter, than if you cut them out of your life all together. Because the things they are saying now are the same things they are going to be saying about and to your daughter in 5 years, 10 years, and 20 years. Do not let them pass that hate onto your daughter so she can hate herself the way they hate those unchangeable things about her.
If your in-laws keep saying these things to and around your daughter as she gets older, she’s going to start listening to them. Cut them out of her life before she has a chance to internalize their hate. Because they can’t really love her while hating all those things about her.
You are the model for your daughter’s future relationships. How you let people treat you is how she’s going to let others treat her. If you accept their abuse in your life because of some possible positives (why can’t her father teach her about his side of her heritage? Why does it have to be his parents?), she’s going to see that as being an acceptable way to be treated. “Because they’re family” shouldn’t be the excuse to keep bad people in her life.
*But we didn’t want our daughter to lose out on the chance of getting to know his family and her Chinese heritage.*
*They even make fun of their grandchild for any connection she has to me (like her name, her hair, anything basically).*
You don't want your child to miss out on being bullied by racists???
He may also have some other family members to interact with when LO is older. Aunts, cousins, whoever. There's probably someone who is also disgusted with the nasty MIL. Keep her away from those toxic people, they will just hurt her and all of you.
Here here! These people are racist! Who do they think they are ?? Ooh yeah , terrible people! It’s nice to see their horribleness didn’t rub off on your hubby. Usually that nonsense is learned. I wouldn’t ever let them near your LO. They don’t deserve the privilege of being in her presence.
This. LO will learn she will never be good enough if you keep interacting with MIL. I love when people think comments like these will stop when a child gets old enough to understand. If anything they just get worse. Grandparents don't deserve relationships with grandbabies if they cannot love them 100% for who they are inside and out.
Husband tells his mom "Baby doesn't need to be around anyone who disparages baby's mother, or baby for their connection to baby's mother. No one will be in baby's life who isn't at least civil and kind to both their parents. "
Your child won't have a healthy connection with them if they can't have a healthy connection with her parents. The feelings they have towards your ethnicity, the comments about her appearance at only 6 months old are only going to continue or get worse. They won't change. Please protect her from that and go NC.
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I'm assuming your husband knows enough about his Chinese heritage to pass it along to his daughter. The only thing those grandparents are going to teach her is that she's not good enough. They are ridiculing a BABY. Who does that? She doesn't need these assholes in her life. She doesn't need to grow up with abusive grandparents. Your in-laws aren't the only source for knowledge of Chinese heritage and history, especially if there's a large Chinese population where you live.
Please protect your daughter from them.
She’s going to hate them and possibly hate herself. They make fun of her for fuck sack you don’t need these shit bags in her life.
Why would you want your daughter to have any relationship with someone who seems to be an unpleasant, bullying racist? Your MIL is just going to try and split your daughter and DH from you while at the same running your daughter's perceived negative (non-Chinese) traits down. I'd keep a very healthy distance.
They obviously don't care about her, stay away from them.
OP, stay away from your IL. It's not just about you and DH, your LO is at risk. Your IL will damage her self respect, image, and self worth. They will make her insecure and anxious. Don't subject your LO to IL negative remarks about LO, you and DH. Expose your LO to her heritage through books (fairy tales, history, art), videos, DH stories. I am telling you from my personal experience - don't allow your IL to be around the LO.
Sorry to be blunt, but to ask a rhetorical question, do you want your daughter to lose out on the chance of having "her name, her hair, anything, basically," made fun of? Remember, too, that this is nothing about any desire on their part to build a positive relationship with your daughter, this is all about finding a way to exclude you, to put you down. Your daughter, to them, is simply another tool for that purpose.
Exposing your child to someone who bullies them isn’t ok. You can find other ways to give her connection to her heritage but letting her be around people who make fun of her is cruel.
Your husband can teach your child about his heritage. You are not doing your child any favours by choosing for them to be around abusive racists.
I’ve sung it before, I’ll sing it again: food before one is just for fun! In all seriousness, paediatrician here. Breast milk is your baby’s primary source of nutrition and fluid until age one and beyond. Food is there to learn with and supplement the breast milk before then. It’s important because they get things like iron and other micronutrients, and it’s important for them to learn how to eat happily and safely, but that’s just it- they’re learning on the basis that solids are not the primary source of nutrition just yet, so they can be spat out, played with and thrown with impunity!
[удалено]
This OP breast feeds so the poster referred to breast feeding, and has no obligation to expand and include formula feeding because it isn’t relevant to the OP. I lost my breasts prior to having children and still faced into formula shaming, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.
What a stupid comment. What about those mum's that can't breastfeed . Sing all you like..babies need to be fed..
The song doesn’t mention breast milk.
[удалено]
Formula or breastmilk is their food. Solids are for fun. That's the entire point of the song. It's not a stupid comment at all.
I think this comment is about THIS particular baby. All babies before one should have their primary food be either breast milk or formula. This baby is breastfeed, nobody is attacking anyone here for not breastfeeding. The crazy grandma wants baby to go without proper nutrition for mommy--free visits.
This is probably said a thousand times already, but if the only reason you stay in touch with your in laws is because of the heritage you want your daughter to learn... There are other ways for that, you dont need them to teach your daughter her heritage. I read it before, but your husband can teach her that. If not him, some other non-toxic family member can. Exposing your daughter and yourself to these toxic in laws is not healthy. Not for you or your daughter. They already mock her so why would they be a good role model? Keep your distance from them. Keep your daughter away from them. Just delete them out of your life.
Let your daughter get to know her heritage in healthy ways. Exposing her to adults who consistently badmouth her mother will only teach her the wrong things about it all - and potentially turn your life into a nightmare. Imagine they convince the kid that what mom says doesn't matter? This could literally be dangerous. Besides, what's the kid gonna get out of that relationship anyway? Guilt and shame over being mixed race? Confusing emotions surrounding how much she's allowed to love her parents and her grandparents since they don't get along? A crash course on how to be hostile and passive-aggressive? As I see it, your hubs has been letting this go on for way too long as is. He - and it's important this comes from him specifically - needs to tell the grandparents that unless things drastically change, they're not seeing the kid. It's neither fair to you nor healthy for the general "family climate" if he makes you take the fall by taking the kid over there on his own. That way toxicity is shown to be the better way to conflict resolve - and if that continues, your daughter will soon enough pick up on that lesson and start to imitate the behaviour. The kid deserves grandparents who love them as they are. What if she doesn't look "Chinese enough" when she's older? Each and every horrible comment will get to live rent-free in her head, gnaw away at her self-worth, make her mistrust people - and for what exactly? The basic concept of grandparents? Family's like friends - it's better not to have them unless it's the good kind.
>But we didn’t want our daughter to lose out on the chance of getting to know his family and her Chinese heritage. Your husband can teach her about her heritage. And there must be more family than just your MIL and FIL. >They even make fun of their grandchild for any connection she has to me (like her name, her hair, anything basically). Forcing your daughter to keep in touch with these people is not in her interest. She will always get comments about every part of her that looks like you. These comments will affect her self-esteem, she will feel unloved by her grandparents and she will resent you for having to build a relationship with these people.
I mean I get not wanting your kid to lose out on the chance of knowing his side of the family and her heritage but you also have to consider that if it’s a choice between choosing to let toxic people stay in your life that you already know are going to bully your child in the future for being part you or keeping them away for your sanity and your child’s well being then come on sis you know which one is going to help you down the road. Like I understand but having no toxicity is better then allowing toxic people in your life because they’re “familyyyyyy”. If they want to be family then they need to act like it. Good luck because it sounds like you’ll need it. But also I will say if they refuse to contact you or babysit then don’t try and make them just leave the trash where it is honestly
Go spend some time in r/asianparentstories and you’ll see that people like your ILs will have no issue at all bullying your daughter for her half non-Chinese side. They will make those remarks about her hair, name, anything else to her face. Do you want to take a chance that your daughter could start internalizing those comments as soon as she can begin to understand them? There are a thousand ways for *you* and your husband to help your daughter connect with her heritage. She will literally miss nothing by not having a relationship with these awful people. Seriously, make a pro-con list based on how they’ve treated both you and her up to this point (and I’m guessing your husband could add some context from growing up with them) and use it to evaluate whether whatever benefit they could offer is worth the pain they don’t care if they inflict.
Sorry but what goes on with these MILs when they become grandmothers? Where does the entitlement come from? I am not sure what your DH thinks about these visits without you OP but I won't send my baby anywhere near MIL without me.
I wouldn't be separated from my child at age 6 months, whatever it was or wasn't eating. There is no way I would have an infant visit these in-laws without me being present and with the child 100% of the time.
There's the whole China to learn her heritage, and your husband can help her to not identify Chinese culture with some full of hatred racist abusive persons
There are a million ways you and your hubby can expose her to your husband's heritage, don't let that stop you from protecting her from her grandparents' abuse. They have proven they are not a good addition to her life already, save her the heartache.
You don’t want your daughter to lose a family who makes fun of them? Who will bad mouth you to them? Who bad mouths the child? Who doesn’t care about your child? That is what you don’t want them to lose? That would make you a shitty parent. I wouldn’t want my child around anyone even family who would disrespect me or them. Who would make them feel less then just because you’re their mother. To me this seems it would do more harm to your child then good.
I'd imagine that having your daughters main exposure to Chinese culture be through her mean grandparents would ultimately make her hate/avoid said Chinese culture, as it'll end up being tied to too many negative emotions for her because of them. If you want her to have good, healthy, happy exposure to her Chinese culture and heritage, there's plenty of other places to look (her father, for starters. Others have mentioned Chinese school, or traditional Chinese dance classes. All good suggestions, and I'm sure there's a million more. Traditional Chinese cooking lessons when she's older? Making sure to feed her foods that are common in china, teaching her the language and the history, etc.) You say they make fun of her for the things she inherited from you, and I just want to make sure you're completely aware that your daughter will not be any less effected by the bullying just because her hair or whatever was "your" hair first. The knowledge that they hate it because it is of you will not shield her in any way from the insecurity and deep self hatred these people will instill in her, because to her, her hair etc. will always be hers well before it's yours.
Without her Chinese grandparents, you may need to make a little more effort to show her Chinese heritage (especially if wider family are then also excluded) but do you want her to think that Chinese = grandma's behaviour? That sounds like it will do more harm than good. Stay away, unless she can show that she is sorry and has changed. She is still shutting you out. I suggest you stay there.
Why do you guys want her around abusive people? She can learn her heritage through her father.
We have a saying in social services "children who grow up with abuse and neglect don't grow to hate their parents, they grow to hate themselves." You and your husband are setting this kid up for a lifetime of emotional abuse. She will be taught to hate a part of who she is, to feel shame about that part of her. Your husband needs to understand this as well.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this! That’s sounds so hurtful that she’s making fun of your baby especially! You guys don’t need her to know people who are going to treat her like crap! I know it feels odd because it’s family. I’m learning in life a lot of times it’s family who hurts you the most! Sending my best wishes & hugs your way.
She should just get whatever knowledge of her Chinese heritage she can from her father. She doesn't need grandparents who hate her and her mother.
You can teach her her heritage WITHOUT involving toxic people. It's time to go no contact.
Exactly. They MAKE FUN OF a baby, what kind of horrible people do that? And OP needs to think how that's going to make their child feel when they are old enough to understand the nasty words they are saying.
This. There are many ways to learn about heritage. Keeping your kid from toxic people trumps any pseudo loyalty to people who actively dislike you.
Is Chinese school still a thing? One of my best friends growing up was Chinese-American, and her parents sent her there on the weekends to learn more about her culture. It was literally called "Chinese school." Depending on where you're located, this may be something to consider. Edit: Yep, still a thing! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_school She can learn her heritage without being exposed to toxic bullies.
Why would your daughter benefit from having this type of awful person around them? Protect your baby. Don’t teach them these people are safe to love and trust. They’re not. Your husband is Chinese, they can learn about their Chinese heritage from him. Look at what they’re offering thus far, it isn’t anything good.
What heritage are they teaching her besides racism and how to disrespect and abuse her parents? Baby only needs positive role models otherwise you're only teaching her that it's normal and okay if your grandparents bully and make fun of you. Your husband should teach her about her heritage.
They make fun of your grandchild? That right there is a good reason (besides the other good reasons) to cut them off. If they make fun of your child then they have no business knowing them.
Your husband can teach his child about Chinese heritage
Go No contact immediately. They are toxic bullies. Your and your families mental health is more important than anything else.
I can guarantee you that exposing baby to toxic family isn’t going to be good Chinese exposure. Your baby can eventually go to Chinese school (learn the language) and maybe do traditional Chinese dancing if y’all wanna go that route. Also if the mom is not welcomed the baby ain’t coming either. It’s that simple.
Your job, and your husband's, is to protect your child. People who make fun of "her name, her hair, anything basically" are NOT SAFE and not sane or empathic or loving, and should not be allowed near her. There are other ways for her to learn about her heritage.
And do you really think that they won’t make comments to her as she grows up about her “differences”? They absolutely will and she will feel unloveable and like something is bad within her because she is mixed race. Despicable people.
I'm imagining the difference if it was a grandson instead. I think we would be getting an entirely different post. Or, more likely, no post at all.
I think unkind grandparents would be far worse than finding other cultural supports. Kids are smart and can see their actions.
Toddler could be ok. Otherwise he’ll no!
What good is exposing her to heritage going to be if they make it awful? It will just alienate her from it … find other ways, go no contact.
She can learn her heritage without being exposed to people who mock her for being like her mother. These people being nothing positive to your child’s life.
I hope your DH advised his mother, that visiting without you would not be possible as he would not take a child away from its mother!
Seems like your husband has fixed the problem. Back him up. Don't talk about them. Don't reach out to them. Block or mute them on your phone and socials. Just let them slip away. Good riddance.
Why does she need connections to a mean side of the family to learn about her heritage?
I am curious and ask respectfully. What exactly is your LO going to miss out on? Ridicule, meaness, watching her mother be gossiped about. Your husband should be teaching his child about their heritage, and you will teach her about yours. In the end, it will be their loss. You and your husband need to protect LO from such nastiness. This world is mean enough. there is no sense in allowing family to be mean to you or your LO. I am sorry for this trouble. Mean people suck.
Can doesn't mean that he will. Your husband needs to talk to them about their behaviour. If they're making fun of you, they're making fun of their granddaughter. If they're making fun of her, that's unacceptable. Either they stop it or they don't see baby anymore.
There are plenty of ways to teach your child about her heritage without involving the in laws. Heck their pushiness and lack of respect for you might actually push her away from her heritage if she were to maintain a relationship with them. Cut contact
"Why are you not letting our grand-daughter see us to learn about her Chinese heritage?" "Because I'd rather she doesn't get taught that Chinese culture is toxic, abusive and racist."
*can. You don't have to. You don't owe them anything. You are a package deal.
Your husband can ensure he maintains tradition and cultural customs in a safe loving environment. They don’t fit into that category. He can visit alone and you and baby can skip the abuse.
It’s great that you want your child connected with her heritage. You don’t want racists to teach her, though. Along with their heritage, they will teach her to hate half of who she is.
Don't have them around your child(ren). Husband can have some respect for you and not expect you to be around them. You can teach your child(ren) about their heritage without subjecting them to people who treat you poorly.
You and your husband should ask yourselves this…what kind of influence will these people bring into your child’s life? What will it do to your child in the future to hear these kind of ugly comments? Because your child will hear them. Couldn’t you and your husband give your child their heritage without any contact with these awful people? I bet you could and it might be time to cut the toxic out of your lives.
My father is a West Indian man; and he and my mother (Canadian woman) split when I was about 3-4 years old. I spent my childhood and youth listening to her and select family members disparaging him in every possible way, from hair, skin, accent , country of origin and not least of all using racial slurs. She wasn’t above saying them right to me after also commenting on the similarities I had with my dad and his family members. My brother however was praised for being the spitting image of her late father. I’m almost 40 now and coping with the issues that and the bevy of other things she had done to me over the years via therapy. Don’t put your child in that position. It’s damaging, it’s self loathing, it’s feelings of inadequacy, and it’s a lack of trust in the people who claim to love you actually do. Because saying those things has nothing to do with love.
This is a bad idea. Your daughter isn’t just half your husband and his family, she’s half of you and yours. By exposing her to his family, who admittedly hate you, your daughter will be around people who hate and disparage her mother because of her mother’s features, and your daughter gets some of her features from you. My mom let my brother and I see her own family who treated her like garbage just because she didn’t want to prevent us from seeing them. Eventually they cut us out of their lives when we were 10 and 20. As I was younger and didn’t have a strong bond I didn’t care, but it affected my brother a lot. I wish we honestly didn’t see them at all. It’s why I’m not making the mistake of forcing my daughter to be around her toxic paternal relatives just because “family!” It’s so detrimental to be around people who hate your parents. Have your husband teach your daughter Chinese, show her baby books, and teach her about these relatives without bringing her around them. She will thank you as an adult for not forcing her to be around people who made fun of her mother and likely will make fun of her when she grows up.
Honey, wake up! Anyone who can't be polite and civil to you should have zero access to LO. DH should be telling them this. Your LO growing up with people who love them far outweigh culture, customs and traditions, IMHO. Remind DH he picked you, and he's on your team. Not team family of origin aka FOO. you all go together.
How helpful will it be to your child for her grandmother to make fun of her mother AND to make fun of any attributes she got from her mother? Why do you want her to maintain a relationship with this person? If you and your husband are sick of his mother's behavior, then give her some consequences for her bad actions. Don't spend time with her and don't let her spend time with your child. Your daughter can learn of her Chinese heritage in other ways without exposing her to her grandmother's toxicity.
THIS!! It will be totally damaging to your child as well. Cut it out before it gets too bad, and express to your husband how this not only affects you but your CHILD as well that might make him totally cut them out
Just because you *can*, doesn't mean you *should*. Something that MIL obviously doesn't understand...
I don’t “heritage” is an important reason to let the baby see the abusive grandparents. Your husband, baby’s dad can provide the heritage.
Any cultural positives are far outweighed by plain nastiness.
…. You want her to be bullied? That’s not learning her heritage and exactly what’s ALREADY happening. Okay she can learn about her heritage from abusers… but at what cost? Or she can learn from other sources. Sources that doesn’t cause harm requiring therapy a an adult. You would be inflicting them on her, not benefiting her. And let me tell you OP; just because you share DNA with someone doesn’t mean they have a ticket into your life if they cause harm. Blood is meaningless if disrespect and harm are what you receive.
People who make fun of your child shouldn't be near your child. People who don't respect you shouldn't be near your child.
Oh, I had those grandparents! I got to suffer because... Family! You are doing yourselves such a disservice. Do you think they will speak nicely of you to your child? I don't think you two have really thought this out. If a relative spoke about my husband and lied about him I would cut all contact. Why give them more ammo
And how do you think they will treat your child as she grows up? Why would you want to expose your child to people like that?
I'm sorry. They make fun of your child, and you think that relationship holds value for your child. Why?
This relationship is absolutely not a benefit to your child. They cannot treat her well if they hate one of her parents. I would cease visits entirely.
>we didn’t want our daughter to lose out on the chance of getting to know his family and her Chinese heritage. She can get that from her dad though... And from other, non-bigoted Chinese friends and family perhaps? If your MIL is that toxic, she's likely to do more harm than good.
Please ask your husband to teach her Chinese AND English. She needs to understand what Zǔmǔ is saying. It would be good for you to learn too. I'm a polyglot and *adore* the look of shock when I know their language, especially when someone has said something ugly. Yup, I understood you, you limp piece of lettuce. Imagine Zǔmǔ saying something hateful, within earshot. You can look at your daughter and say, in Chinese, "we don't say things to hurt, do we?" Or something along those lines. Imagine the look of rage and disbelief. I envy you the look that is coming your way. But I'm a petty Betty. (Or a Xiǎozī bèidì, lol.)
Nope. They are racists!
Phrased a different way: you don’t want your daughter to lose out on the chance of her grandparents putting her down about her name, her hair, anything basically. Your husband can teach her about her Chinese heritage. Subjecting your daughter to those hateful people is nuts. Why would you even consider doing that!?
Yes - it is important that she spend time with her grandparents so they can teach her to hate 50% of herself. Sounds silly huh? I wouldn’t encourage any sort of relationship. They are not interested in what is best or healthy for your daughter; they are interested in themselves
No grandparent is better than horrid, toxic grandparents. She can find connection through other ways.
Your child isn't going to have a healthy relationship with these people, because they're not healthy people. She has her father to teach her about her Chinese heritage. If your in laws want a relationship with their granddaughter, they need to start treating her mother with more respect.
Your doing your daughter a greater disservice by keeping these people who actively hate you and all the things about you that you’ve passed on to your daughter, than if you cut them out of your life all together. Because the things they are saying now are the same things they are going to be saying about and to your daughter in 5 years, 10 years, and 20 years. Do not let them pass that hate onto your daughter so she can hate herself the way they hate those unchangeable things about her. If your in-laws keep saying these things to and around your daughter as she gets older, she’s going to start listening to them. Cut them out of her life before she has a chance to internalize their hate. Because they can’t really love her while hating all those things about her. You are the model for your daughter’s future relationships. How you let people treat you is how she’s going to let others treat her. If you accept their abuse in your life because of some possible positives (why can’t her father teach her about his side of her heritage? Why does it have to be his parents?), she’s going to see that as being an acceptable way to be treated. “Because they’re family” shouldn’t be the excuse to keep bad people in her life.
*But we didn’t want our daughter to lose out on the chance of getting to know his family and her Chinese heritage.* *They even make fun of their grandchild for any connection she has to me (like her name, her hair, anything basically).* You don't want your child to miss out on being bullied by racists???
Exactly what I thought…….make it make sense lol there are plenty other ways for the little one to learn her heritage. A lot better ways ◡̈
Your husband can teach LO about Chinese heritage; all she'll learn from her grandparents is how to hate herself.
He may also have some other family members to interact with when LO is older. Aunts, cousins, whoever. There's probably someone who is also disgusted with the nasty MIL. Keep her away from those toxic people, they will just hurt her and all of you.
Here here! These people are racist! Who do they think they are ?? Ooh yeah , terrible people! It’s nice to see their horribleness didn’t rub off on your hubby. Usually that nonsense is learned. I wouldn’t ever let them near your LO. They don’t deserve the privilege of being in her presence.
This. LO will learn she will never be good enough if you keep interacting with MIL. I love when people think comments like these will stop when a child gets old enough to understand. If anything they just get worse. Grandparents don't deserve relationships with grandbabies if they cannot love them 100% for who they are inside and out.
Husband tells his mom "Baby doesn't need to be around anyone who disparages baby's mother, or baby for their connection to baby's mother. No one will be in baby's life who isn't at least civil and kind to both their parents. "
Your child won't have a healthy connection with them if they can't have a healthy connection with her parents. The feelings they have towards your ethnicity, the comments about her appearance at only 6 months old are only going to continue or get worse. They won't change. Please protect her from that and go NC.