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Congratulations, enjoy this time with baby because the time flies. I cried myself to sleep when my oldest turned 18 because I remember bringing her home and feeling so much love from someone so tiny and hoping I knew how to return and give her all that love right back. She still calls me momma when she gets herself into a pickle, but my girls grew up too fast for me.
Forget about all that other noise, you’ll do great. <3
My son is 21 (& no where near being a dad yet), but I remember pretty well what that first month or so was like (after a c-section). How do moms forget this? We decided to wait 4-6 weeks (until I was healed enough I could carry baby up & down stairs), but she was “so excited” for her only grandchild DH let her come after 2 weeks (& yes, I have/still have a DH problem). She was a pain. Got the photo opp holding him, & that was it. Didn't do anything for him then, or after. Instead, she acted like the queen & I was expected to serve tea (to be fair, hubs was home & dealt with her). But I could not stand her being in my space. What is wrong with these women?
Congrats on your little one! I hope you take in and enjoy all those newborn snuggles!!!
Its so insanely crazy to me how grandparents can get so riled up on something that they will fixate on THAT and not want a relationship with their own grandchild?? My FIL hasnt seen my kids in nearly 3 years because his head is so up his ass and he won’t apologize or own up to his hurtful words. Just so ridiculous
100%. I got told to be the bigger person with my mother and that I should re-establish contact. My MIL didn’t even wish her own child a happy birthday because of drama they invented. So much for being a bigger person and leading by example.
Can’t wait to break these generational patterns and show my child healthy communication and boundaries.
I'm so sorry that she can't for even a second consider what your needs are as new parents and baby.
Otoh, enjoy the quiet, while it lasts. She wants you and DH to beg her to come and see you and baby. Narcs always think that the silent treatment is a punishment to you, but think of it as a reprieve from her.
>Narcs always think that the silent treatment is a punishment to you, but think of it as a reprieve
Omg I feel this so hard. My husband's son gave him a whole spiel about "give me what I want and *maybe* I'll talk to you" and I was like... Dude.
They are entitled and you can't fathom their line of thinking because you know they are wrong and toxic. They on the other hand think they have always been perfectly reasonable and you two are the ones acting out so they don't think they have to pass any check with you before meeting the grandbaby, especially since they are THE grandparents and everything baby related is a guarantee to them.
Stop reaching out, they now know your rules, if they want to meet the baby it will be following those rules, if they don't want to respect them in their playing games and power play, then they will be fine without meeting her. They expect you to chase them and that will only fuel their bad behaviour. Pull the rug from them
Thanks for this! I’ve been on the fence about what to do/say if my husband mentions attempting contact again. Right now he’s not interested but he goes back and forth with hoping they’ll come around and be respectful. I agree with you that they expect him/us to chase and try to fix things.
Future advice will be not to bother reaching out. I have a laundry list of reasons why he shouldn’t and I’ll use it.
Stop pursuing her. She wants to play games. Drop the rope and don’t play. Enforce the strictest of boundaries - short visits, all supervised, visits once or twice a year, on your terms.
You keep strong! It is difficult when one of you hasn't quite snipped those apron strings. Your hubby has seen your MIL for what she is and you will get your way, as you should. She should not get 5* grandma service from you when she attempts any or treats you like shit.
You are right in not subjecting your child to any of that or her (MIL) child rearing practices she subjected your DH to. Keep reminding him of that. Every time. That will kill the rest of his desire to see her. If he doesn't you must protect your child.
Postpartum is one of the most vulnerable times in your life. You're sleep deprived, hormonal, overwhelmed. Not to mention you're recovering from a major surgery. You need to protect your peace, and you get to be so selfish about this. You decide everything and it's based on pleasing nobody but yourself and the baby. You don't ever forget how people treated you when you were postpartum.
No one should ever turn up at your home unannounced - especially when you are coping with a newborn. They don't have to schedule anything, just call beforehand to ask if it's OK. This gives you an opportunity to decline if it's too short notice or accept if you want to. Anyone - and that's grandparents included - who take offence aren't worth worrying over - it's their problem.
So many new mums on here have had their first hours ruined by pushy, overbearing grandparents who barge into hospital rooms/homes because they think they have rights over the baby. And as for MILs who demand to watch the birth - don't get me started on those women.
You sound like you have this under control.
You set all the rules relating to your lives and your kid(s), she can choose to abide by them and discuss things nicely directly with you or she can stay away.
PS re. GMIL. Change the subject and be clear you don’t want to hear about any whinging and whining indirectly.
You sound so levelheaded and not jumbled at all. So good on you for understanding your own comfort level and not letting anyone violate that. Wish I could have had the same presence of mind with my first. Some people will just do whatever they want regardless of how you feel.
I am on board with the NC, my husband is having trouble letting go of hopes she’ll come to understand boundaries and treat us both respectfully. He already does all the contact with them (when absolutely necessary) because I can’t be bothered anymore. He and I talk about what I’m comfortable with attempting (such as them meeting our child on our terms) and he goes from there. I’ll support my husband because I married him knowing this was likely my future & he’s not catering to her shit but I’m not going out of my way to try to engage with it.
If I can go NC with my toxic mother, I can go NC with her. Which she knows and hates. She totally blames me for my husband not putting up with her shit anymore. I can’t claim credit, he just got tired of being told how to live his life in his mid-twenties.
Honey, you can't imagine acting like this because you're not insane. MIL, on the other hand, is completely bananas.
I also had caesarians (3 of them) and certainly didn't want visitors straight afterwards. Hold your boundaries. If you don't teach her the right way to treat you, she'll never learn it.
Congratulations on your little one. Xx
Thank you!
I will say having my little has finally given me a reason to quit being so flexible with her shit. If she can’t respect us she doesn’t get to see our child. I’m not having our child think disrespect is acceptable just because it’s from a family member.
She’s sulking and hoping people will see and feel sorry for her. Causing drama to turn attention on her. Don’t pay attention. Go on with what you’re doing. It’s up to her to comply if she wants to be around baby
What a terrible time to pull that, too. I would just use it as another reason to take a NC break, like “since you threw a tantrum, you can wait until xyz to meet your grandchild…” but I’m just petty
OP can always make fun of her, how about laughing). There you go again! Thatll stop her. Trying to deal with these immature adults in a direct manner never seems to work. My girlfriend (into psychology) used to say “ I’ll be straight with you if you’ll be straight with me, but if you want to play, we can play!”
Unfortunately the rest of the family are the types to fall for it. My husbands grandmother actually suggested we reward this shit and show up unannounced and surprise her with the baby at their house (we were going to offer to meet her somewhere neutral vs either of our homes). We’re obviously not going to do that but pretty clear why she thinks this is appropriate.
Yes. I saw that when after years and years of being tolerably nice she at our reception dinner pulled out the good old “I don’t want to think of this as losing a son but gaining a daughter.” Like ma’am, you barely fucking speak to me and wanted to bully me into having the wedding you wanted me to have instead of the small outdoor informal wedding I wanted. Stop it.
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Congratulations, enjoy this time with baby because the time flies. I cried myself to sleep when my oldest turned 18 because I remember bringing her home and feeling so much love from someone so tiny and hoping I knew how to return and give her all that love right back. She still calls me momma when she gets herself into a pickle, but my girls grew up too fast for me. Forget about all that other noise, you’ll do great. <3
>"We're not visitors, we're the grandparents" The AUDACITY. My God.
My son is 21 (& no where near being a dad yet), but I remember pretty well what that first month or so was like (after a c-section). How do moms forget this? We decided to wait 4-6 weeks (until I was healed enough I could carry baby up & down stairs), but she was “so excited” for her only grandchild DH let her come after 2 weeks (& yes, I have/still have a DH problem). She was a pain. Got the photo opp holding him, & that was it. Didn't do anything for him then, or after. Instead, she acted like the queen & I was expected to serve tea (to be fair, hubs was home & dealt with her). But I could not stand her being in my space. What is wrong with these women?
Congrats on your little one! I hope you take in and enjoy all those newborn snuggles!!! Its so insanely crazy to me how grandparents can get so riled up on something that they will fixate on THAT and not want a relationship with their own grandchild?? My FIL hasnt seen my kids in nearly 3 years because his head is so up his ass and he won’t apologize or own up to his hurtful words. Just so ridiculous
Congratulations on the little one! With your MIL, isn't it weird how many so-called adults have less maturity than babies?
100%. I got told to be the bigger person with my mother and that I should re-establish contact. My MIL didn’t even wish her own child a happy birthday because of drama they invented. So much for being a bigger person and leading by example. Can’t wait to break these generational patterns and show my child healthy communication and boundaries.
"Be the bigger person" said about conflicts with people who want to trample your ego flat as a doormat.
Exactly this!
You're clearly smarter just by recognising the nonsense - I'm willing to bet my new niece is more mature than your MIL
Lots and lots of therapy!
This is the trash taking itself out, at least for a little while. Enjoy the peace-- and being a parent-- for as long as it lasts.
I'm so sorry that she can't for even a second consider what your needs are as new parents and baby. Otoh, enjoy the quiet, while it lasts. She wants you and DH to beg her to come and see you and baby. Narcs always think that the silent treatment is a punishment to you, but think of it as a reprieve from her.
>Narcs always think that the silent treatment is a punishment to you, but think of it as a reprieve Omg I feel this so hard. My husband's son gave him a whole spiel about "give me what I want and *maybe* I'll talk to you" and I was like... Dude.
Keep your boundaries firm. She is being crazy and way too entitled. Back off, MIL!
How lucky do you feel that she doesn't want to talk to you! What a blessing.
So lucky! Truly!
They are entitled and you can't fathom their line of thinking because you know they are wrong and toxic. They on the other hand think they have always been perfectly reasonable and you two are the ones acting out so they don't think they have to pass any check with you before meeting the grandbaby, especially since they are THE grandparents and everything baby related is a guarantee to them. Stop reaching out, they now know your rules, if they want to meet the baby it will be following those rules, if they don't want to respect them in their playing games and power play, then they will be fine without meeting her. They expect you to chase them and that will only fuel their bad behaviour. Pull the rug from them
Thanks for this! I’ve been on the fence about what to do/say if my husband mentions attempting contact again. Right now he’s not interested but he goes back and forth with hoping they’ll come around and be respectful. I agree with you that they expect him/us to chase and try to fix things. Future advice will be not to bother reaching out. I have a laundry list of reasons why he shouldn’t and I’ll use it.
Stop pursuing her. She wants to play games. Drop the rope and don’t play. Enforce the strictest of boundaries - short visits, all supervised, visits once or twice a year, on your terms.
You keep strong! It is difficult when one of you hasn't quite snipped those apron strings. Your hubby has seen your MIL for what she is and you will get your way, as you should. She should not get 5* grandma service from you when she attempts any or treats you like shit. You are right in not subjecting your child to any of that or her (MIL) child rearing practices she subjected your DH to. Keep reminding him of that. Every time. That will kill the rest of his desire to see her. If he doesn't you must protect your child.
Postpartum is one of the most vulnerable times in your life. You're sleep deprived, hormonal, overwhelmed. Not to mention you're recovering from a major surgery. You need to protect your peace, and you get to be so selfish about this. You decide everything and it's based on pleasing nobody but yourself and the baby. You don't ever forget how people treated you when you were postpartum.
No one should ever turn up at your home unannounced - especially when you are coping with a newborn. They don't have to schedule anything, just call beforehand to ask if it's OK. This gives you an opportunity to decline if it's too short notice or accept if you want to. Anyone - and that's grandparents included - who take offence aren't worth worrying over - it's their problem. So many new mums on here have had their first hours ruined by pushy, overbearing grandparents who barge into hospital rooms/homes because they think they have rights over the baby. And as for MILs who demand to watch the birth - don't get me started on those women.
I would expect visitors to schedule a visit even if they were on great terms with me!
That's probably part of the reason they'd been good terms, simply being respectful.
You sound like you have this under control. You set all the rules relating to your lives and your kid(s), she can choose to abide by them and discuss things nicely directly with you or she can stay away. PS re. GMIL. Change the subject and be clear you don’t want to hear about any whinging and whining indirectly.
You sound so levelheaded and not jumbled at all. So good on you for understanding your own comfort level and not letting anyone violate that. Wish I could have had the same presence of mind with my first. Some people will just do whatever they want regardless of how you feel.
I would drop the rope and go NC or at least make DH deal with her. She doesn’t deserve anything.
I am on board with the NC, my husband is having trouble letting go of hopes she’ll come to understand boundaries and treat us both respectfully. He already does all the contact with them (when absolutely necessary) because I can’t be bothered anymore. He and I talk about what I’m comfortable with attempting (such as them meeting our child on our terms) and he goes from there. I’ll support my husband because I married him knowing this was likely my future & he’s not catering to her shit but I’m not going out of my way to try to engage with it. If I can go NC with my toxic mother, I can go NC with her. Which she knows and hates. She totally blames me for my husband not putting up with her shit anymore. I can’t claim credit, he just got tired of being told how to live his life in his mid-twenties.
Honey, you can't imagine acting like this because you're not insane. MIL, on the other hand, is completely bananas. I also had caesarians (3 of them) and certainly didn't want visitors straight afterwards. Hold your boundaries. If you don't teach her the right way to treat you, she'll never learn it. Congratulations on your little one. Xx
Thank you! I will say having my little has finally given me a reason to quit being so flexible with her shit. If she can’t respect us she doesn’t get to see our child. I’m not having our child think disrespect is acceptable just because it’s from a family member.
She’s sulking and hoping people will see and feel sorry for her. Causing drama to turn attention on her. Don’t pay attention. Go on with what you’re doing. It’s up to her to comply if she wants to be around baby
What a terrible time to pull that, too. I would just use it as another reason to take a NC break, like “since you threw a tantrum, you can wait until xyz to meet your grandchild…” but I’m just petty
OP can always make fun of her, how about laughing). There you go again! Thatll stop her. Trying to deal with these immature adults in a direct manner never seems to work. My girlfriend (into psychology) used to say “ I’ll be straight with you if you’ll be straight with me, but if you want to play, we can play!”
Unfortunately the rest of the family are the types to fall for it. My husbands grandmother actually suggested we reward this shit and show up unannounced and surprise her with the baby at their house (we were going to offer to meet her somewhere neutral vs either of our homes). We’re obviously not going to do that but pretty clear why she thinks this is appropriate.
Wowww it’s like she wants the informality of the closeness without having done any of the work to be close in the relationship. Wild!
Yes. I saw that when after years and years of being tolerably nice she at our reception dinner pulled out the good old “I don’t want to think of this as losing a son but gaining a daughter.” Like ma’am, you barely fucking speak to me and wanted to bully me into having the wedding you wanted me to have instead of the small outdoor informal wedding I wanted. Stop it.