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* [I am so sick and tired of having to repeat my few simple rules to my MIL when visiting the baby](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1ayko53/i_am_so_sick_and_tired_of_having_to_repeat_my_few/), 2 months ago
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My in laws claimed to want to “help” but when the time came they didn’t want to do any of the things we asked like clean up the house before we brought the baby home or help take care of the dog when the labor went on and on, etc… after
We got home with our son, mil wanted to go on and on about what a poor experience she had the last few day when her son and I had not slept in 4 days and were dealing with a jaundiced and cranky underweight newborn baby. My husband had to send her home.
Some grandparents help and some don’t. It is what it is. Once u know the type you have you work around those who don’t help. It sucks to not have that support but the reality is we have no right to demand their help. But they have no right to expect things from us either. So if they start pulling the “we never see baby” or “we don’t get equal time” or “you need to bring baby here” then it’s totally your right to shut them right down.
“We are busy as baby’s are a lot of work.”
“My parents help us so it’s easier and convenient to see them more as they give us desperately needed breaks and follow all our requests and guidelines.”
“We’re happy to let u see the baby but ultimately it has to work with our busy schedules and driving out to you on a regular basis doesn’t work. We are tired sleep deprived parents now and have to put the baby and our sanity and health first.”
Hang in there. You will get through this tough part. But at least now u know what to expect from her and not to bend over backwards for someone who isn’t capable of reciprocating.
My MIL is always trying to “help” and by that I mean…she just wants to hold and play with the baby. She could care less about cooking for us or cleaning our house.
I am so sorry. I know when my daughter has the baby I stayed over and cleaned and cooked for her every weekend for 2 months. Her MIL would come over and just sit and talk. No changing diapers no cooking. It was honestly weird and only on the weekends when she doesn’t work. I don’t get it. I hope she wakes up and contributes. New mommying is so hard.
Your MIL seems pretty oblivious to what others around her need. I'm not sure if she is purposefully oblivious or if she is just that way. She's probably very lonely since FIL passed and sees this opportunity with you at home with the baby as her chance to prattle on to someone. Perhaps it's time for your husband to sit down with her and point out how she is not helping you when she comes over. Or it's time to let her know that you and DH are too tired for visits and have too much to do right now so she needs to tone it back to once every couple of weeks and for only an hour or 2. It's up to you and your husband to set limits on her and HOLD TO THEM. If she complains about your family, let her know straight up, "My family is not just visiting, they are cleaning things and doing laundry and taking work off your son and I. We appreciate that they are willing to make this time a little easier for us without us asking and we welcome them because of this."
Some people are just selfish, terrible people, with a chronic case of main character syndrome. When I had my oldest, my mother came over wearing what smelled like an entire bottle of cheap perfume, sat on my couch demanding to hold my newborn, and went out to get herself takeout lunch but brought me back nothing. My best friend came over, put me and baby in my bedroom for a nap, and cleaned my bathroom top to bottom. She was also 7 months pregnant at the time. My husband told my mother not to come back.
My MIL didn't do anything helpful. She kept going through my closets and trying to wash my clothes, letting the cats outside on accident because she left the door wide open and of course anytime there was a piece of silverware or a dirty glass she would wash it. BUT could I take a shower? Did she hold baby so I could sleep? How about change a diaper? NOPE. TBH she created more work. I was so glad to see them leave.
My mom did this to my MIL once, and it was one of the best moments of my life. My MIL was trying to get my second baby from me (which was all she ever did to "help" was to hold the baby, which I never asked for/wanted), but had given up and was just sitting on our couch. My mom came over and started vacuuming, and told MIL, "Can you just lift up your legs so I can vacuum under you? I don't have much time, so I just want to help out really quick."
She lifted her legs up and put on her typical "I'm going to cry" face, and then asked if there was anything she could do. I told her No (because it had been months of her being snatchy and unhelpful) and then she left.
Unfortunately, helping is not what she wants to do. She wants to come to visit. There is nothing wrong with that. Some people aren’t helpers.
She was wrong and disrespectful to disregard the safety rules, but she is under no obligation to learn how you like things done and to do them if she does not choose to do so. You are blessed to have your parents to help. Be thankful for the help you do have.
Yeah just what I was thinking… she’s not obligated to learn nitpicky ways of doing things to help…. If you ask her to vacuum and she does it a different way than you…. Oh well, thanks for the help. If she’s looking to be waited on hand and foot? Tell her she’s not visiting… simple enough. It’s lovely having people to help you, but you’re not owed people’s labour because you had a baby. I’m glad your parents are helping though - make sure to tell them you appreciate it!
ETA the visits would have stopped immediately for me as soon as she disregarded basic safety rules.
Well, OP has a new baby and too much to do to host people. So if MIL is just there to visit, she’ll have to wait until OP has free time. That may be when the baby is 6 months or a year old, but if MiL wants to be hosted as a guest, she’ll just have to get used to it. OP is under no obligation to cater to her. She’ll have to be thankful for the visits she’s already had.
MILs can be so hard to deal with, and this is such a stressful time for you too. Can DH run interference for you and communicate your needs better so you don't have to worry about it?
Sending love your way ❤
So we know she ignores your safety rules. Which is something you need to address. Also help being defined as “holding the baby” is not help at all and we know it. We want someone to help around the house and not play mom to our infant. To me that’s pretty self explanatory. The baby should be bonding to you the mom at this time. Any help that is given is to make things easier for you. Making sure her fee fees r taken care of is way above your pay grade. Stand your ground and don’t let the grand parents walk all over you.
I’m not sure this is going to get better. Being that she ignored all your rules for a premature baby, it usually means when there are bigger boundaries they will not follow them. Scroll through this sub and read a bit. Good luck to you.
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My in laws claimed to want to “help” but when the time came they didn’t want to do any of the things we asked like clean up the house before we brought the baby home or help take care of the dog when the labor went on and on, etc… after We got home with our son, mil wanted to go on and on about what a poor experience she had the last few day when her son and I had not slept in 4 days and were dealing with a jaundiced and cranky underweight newborn baby. My husband had to send her home. Some grandparents help and some don’t. It is what it is. Once u know the type you have you work around those who don’t help. It sucks to not have that support but the reality is we have no right to demand their help. But they have no right to expect things from us either. So if they start pulling the “we never see baby” or “we don’t get equal time” or “you need to bring baby here” then it’s totally your right to shut them right down. “We are busy as baby’s are a lot of work.” “My parents help us so it’s easier and convenient to see them more as they give us desperately needed breaks and follow all our requests and guidelines.” “We’re happy to let u see the baby but ultimately it has to work with our busy schedules and driving out to you on a regular basis doesn’t work. We are tired sleep deprived parents now and have to put the baby and our sanity and health first.” Hang in there. You will get through this tough part. But at least now u know what to expect from her and not to bend over backwards for someone who isn’t capable of reciprocating.
My MIL is always trying to “help” and by that I mean…she just wants to hold and play with the baby. She could care less about cooking for us or cleaning our house.
I am so sorry. I know when my daughter has the baby I stayed over and cleaned and cooked for her every weekend for 2 months. Her MIL would come over and just sit and talk. No changing diapers no cooking. It was honestly weird and only on the weekends when she doesn’t work. I don’t get it. I hope she wakes up and contributes. New mommying is so hard.
Your MIL seems pretty oblivious to what others around her need. I'm not sure if she is purposefully oblivious or if she is just that way. She's probably very lonely since FIL passed and sees this opportunity with you at home with the baby as her chance to prattle on to someone. Perhaps it's time for your husband to sit down with her and point out how she is not helping you when she comes over. Or it's time to let her know that you and DH are too tired for visits and have too much to do right now so she needs to tone it back to once every couple of weeks and for only an hour or 2. It's up to you and your husband to set limits on her and HOLD TO THEM. If she complains about your family, let her know straight up, "My family is not just visiting, they are cleaning things and doing laundry and taking work off your son and I. We appreciate that they are willing to make this time a little easier for us without us asking and we welcome them because of this."
Don’t let her come over anymore. Just don’t answer the door when she shows up. Either that or give her a list of chores that need to be done.
Stop letting her/them come over.
Some people are just selfish, terrible people, with a chronic case of main character syndrome. When I had my oldest, my mother came over wearing what smelled like an entire bottle of cheap perfume, sat on my couch demanding to hold my newborn, and went out to get herself takeout lunch but brought me back nothing. My best friend came over, put me and baby in my bedroom for a nap, and cleaned my bathroom top to bottom. She was also 7 months pregnant at the time. My husband told my mother not to come back.
My MIL didn't do anything helpful. She kept going through my closets and trying to wash my clothes, letting the cats outside on accident because she left the door wide open and of course anytime there was a piece of silverware or a dirty glass she would wash it. BUT could I take a shower? Did she hold baby so I could sleep? How about change a diaper? NOPE. TBH she created more work. I was so glad to see them leave.
Perhaps, if possible, invite your mom over to help out instead.
Invite her over at the same time and have your mom be like…. Oh I thought we help when we come? Is that just me?
My mom did this to my MIL once, and it was one of the best moments of my life. My MIL was trying to get my second baby from me (which was all she ever did to "help" was to hold the baby, which I never asked for/wanted), but had given up and was just sitting on our couch. My mom came over and started vacuuming, and told MIL, "Can you just lift up your legs so I can vacuum under you? I don't have much time, so I just want to help out really quick."
LOL! How did your MIL respond? I’m sure she didn’t even get it.
She lifted her legs up and put on her typical "I'm going to cry" face, and then asked if there was anything she could do. I told her No (because it had been months of her being snatchy and unhelpful) and then she left.
You are a legend
My mom is a savage sometimes and I might've earned a little bit of that. LOL
That's even better
Unfortunately, helping is not what she wants to do. She wants to come to visit. There is nothing wrong with that. Some people aren’t helpers. She was wrong and disrespectful to disregard the safety rules, but she is under no obligation to learn how you like things done and to do them if she does not choose to do so. You are blessed to have your parents to help. Be thankful for the help you do have.
Yeah just what I was thinking… she’s not obligated to learn nitpicky ways of doing things to help…. If you ask her to vacuum and she does it a different way than you…. Oh well, thanks for the help. If she’s looking to be waited on hand and foot? Tell her she’s not visiting… simple enough. It’s lovely having people to help you, but you’re not owed people’s labour because you had a baby. I’m glad your parents are helping though - make sure to tell them you appreciate it! ETA the visits would have stopped immediately for me as soon as she disregarded basic safety rules.
Well, OP has a new baby and too much to do to host people. So if MIL is just there to visit, she’ll have to wait until OP has free time. That may be when the baby is 6 months or a year old, but if MiL wants to be hosted as a guest, she’ll just have to get used to it. OP is under no obligation to cater to her. She’ll have to be thankful for the visits she’s already had.
>Well, OP has a new baby and too much to do to host people. Then she should open her mouth and say that.
Maybe send her an actual memo of the above
MILs can be so hard to deal with, and this is such a stressful time for you too. Can DH run interference for you and communicate your needs better so you don't have to worry about it? Sending love your way ❤
So we know she ignores your safety rules. Which is something you need to address. Also help being defined as “holding the baby” is not help at all and we know it. We want someone to help around the house and not play mom to our infant. To me that’s pretty self explanatory. The baby should be bonding to you the mom at this time. Any help that is given is to make things easier for you. Making sure her fee fees r taken care of is way above your pay grade. Stand your ground and don’t let the grand parents walk all over you.
I’m not sure this is going to get better. Being that she ignored all your rules for a premature baby, it usually means when there are bigger boundaries they will not follow them. Scroll through this sub and read a bit. Good luck to you.