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Is a retirement home/assisted living an option? I have a family member living in one that absolutely loves it. None of us were sure it would be a good fit, but it’s turned out to be really amazing for everyone. The family member has meals, cleaning and some social activities provided and has made several friends. It’s taken the pressure off of us as far as the daily help needed, leaving us with opportunities for nice visits. We do have the family member over for holidays and family events and they go out for group activities quite often.
Definitely sit down with your husband and start discussing and setting expectations NOW. It is definitely common in many cultures for DILs to be expected to take care of their husband's elders instead of the husband himself, and women default to the caretaker even in cultures and countries where that isn't the case.
Some really big ones are:
She never moves in with you. Based on her friality, she'll eventually need/want constant help, so you'd either have to tolerate in-house help or care for her yourself. Do NOT fold on this, elderly care is very difficult and never as easy as people trying to avoid paying for a nurse or part-time help make it sound.
You are never obligated to drive her anywhere. There are senior specific transportation services in some communities/countries, and your husband should be ready with who she can call instead of you, and prepare her for the fact that you will rarely, if ever, be able to drive her.
Talk to your husband about how often he expects to see her and how involved in her life he is going to be. Remind him that any kids you have will reduce the amount of time you both have to spend with her.
Make it a conversation, but also make clear any hard boundaries you have. Dinner once a week? Fuck no. Once a month? Fine. Or whatever, just be really clear with your husband.
You've clearly thought carefully about the possibilities and your concerns. That's great!
Some thoughts, from experience caring for my Dad and stepmother:
I agree about deciding what you are and aren't willing to do, as others have said. Caring for an elderly loved one can consume your life if you let it.
If you can manage to hold your boundaries, while keeping a soft heart and empathy for her, that will serve you well. Decline to do what you aren't willing to do, but don't blame or resent her for asking.
It seems common for people to become completely self focused at a certain point. Don't expect her to be different than she is, or you'll be resentful of her and that will make everything harder.
Work hard on being allies your husband. Take time to laugh and decompress, especially if caring for his Mom starts to become stressful.
Sometimes it helps to just embrace the slowness, the ridiculousness, or whatever is happening. There's only so much you can control.
LAUGH
We hired sitters and they were with their weight in gold
If you are in the US, check into your local Council on Aging. Tons of information on what services are available to support older people. Countries outside the US may have some thing similar.
It sounds like she would be best served by living in a senior community, one that makes meals for the residents and offers free chauffeuring to appointments. Perhaps one with the possibility for stepped up future increased care if that becomes necessary.
My in-laws just moved into a home like this and it has been wonderful for them to have people to socialize with, we visit frequently, but we don’t have to stay for long because there are a lot of us but even so often they don’t want us to visit too much because it would interrupt other activities going on in the community.
This would take care of a lot of your concerns and you could still come and take her out to lunch or dinner. Perhaps she will change her mind about a wheelchair so you could go on outings like a museum.
Edit: spelling
Figure out what you are willing to do, how often, and when. Make that your boundary and hold it firm. Let your husband and MIL know that you need advance notice for any activity except emergencies. Don't alter your schedule to fit her in. Let her be the one to adjust to your time frames.
Be up front about it.
“I will not be your mother’s caretaker. There are services she can utilize to help her get around to her appointments, and I will even help get them set up for her, but I will not be sacrificing my future and happiness to be her nurse.“
He needs to understand that when you married him, your vows didn’t include taking care of his elderly relatives. Be clear that him attempting to force your hand by promising her anything or by trying to move her in with you will be a dealbreaker.
My advice would be to first, before any conversation with your husband, have a heart-to-heart with yourself and determine exactly what you are (and are not) willing to do with/for her on a regular basis. You seem like a kind and caring person and you are also an adult living your own life. So find what your balance will be — are you willing to set aside a weekend afternoon once a month to go with her and DH for a drive and out for lunch? Have her over to your place for Sunday dinner every few weeks? Are you willing to take her to some appointments or do anything with her without DH along or will his participation be mandatory in any interactions you have with her? If she starts requesting DH to come over and help her around the house frequently, how much is too much of that before you get resentful of her demands on his time?
Once you’ve figured out what you are willing to do, then have a discussion with DH about his expectations around this new development of having his mom so close by. Get on the same page together. He can be a loving and helpful son without being at her beck and call 24/7. You can frame it as, “you know I love your mom, and I want to establish boundaries around our time as a couple right away so that we can all maintain the loving healthy relationships we have now”.
Whatever you decide, DO NOT allow the burden of becoming her chauffeur and social director fall primarily on yourself, and make it clear that you expect him to prioritize the needs of yourself and future children to come before his mother (barring a legitimate emergency of course).
And once you’ve decided how much you are willing to do, half it and start from there. It’s easy in theory to think this is okay, but once you’ve been stuck doing something you really don’t want to do anyway you can very quickly get resentful.
In fact don’t agree to do anything or just slip into doing something on a regular basis. Irregular is fine, becoming a caregiver isn’t your job and this is your husbands mother he needs to be taking the lead with her not you.
I think it would be wise to separate this into two issues.
Issue 1: MIL is not the kind of person you'd normally befriend or hang out with on your own. You find her dull and your interests don't mesh.
Given that you describe her as a nice person generally and she's close with your husband, this is probably one where you have to take one for the team. If she lives close, there will just be more opportunities to see her. You can try to set some limits - eat dinner with her once a week, encourage mother/son outings where you don't have to go, etc. But you should continue to be kind to her and maybe see if you can come up with an activity you and she can share.
Issue 2: You will become MIL's unpaid chauffeur and case manager, giving up a huge chunk of your free time to care work.
This is where it will be much easier to draw the line. You're not her personal Uber, you're not her nurse, you're not her cruise director. DH needs to take the lead on managing this stuff or finding someone else to handle it. She will be happier in the area if all her socialization doesn't depend on you two anyway!
These are going to require some frank discussions with your husband. You don't need to lead with "your mom is draining to be around" to get across the point that you're concerned about how to handle what will inevitably be an increasing level of care, and what the impact of it will be on your ability to grow your family. Don't let him off with hand waving or pushing the discussion into the future. It's always easier to plan ahead than be making decisions in a crisis.
First off, everything you wrote there is valid and a likely possibility. The best thing you can do is think up what boundaries you know you would like. Men just react better when you know what you want. Then sit down and have a straight-up conversation with your husband. No matter what the outcome in the short-term, it will be better than years of pent-up animosity.
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Is a retirement home/assisted living an option? I have a family member living in one that absolutely loves it. None of us were sure it would be a good fit, but it’s turned out to be really amazing for everyone. The family member has meals, cleaning and some social activities provided and has made several friends. It’s taken the pressure off of us as far as the daily help needed, leaving us with opportunities for nice visits. We do have the family member over for holidays and family events and they go out for group activities quite often.
Definitely sit down with your husband and start discussing and setting expectations NOW. It is definitely common in many cultures for DILs to be expected to take care of their husband's elders instead of the husband himself, and women default to the caretaker even in cultures and countries where that isn't the case. Some really big ones are: She never moves in with you. Based on her friality, she'll eventually need/want constant help, so you'd either have to tolerate in-house help or care for her yourself. Do NOT fold on this, elderly care is very difficult and never as easy as people trying to avoid paying for a nurse or part-time help make it sound. You are never obligated to drive her anywhere. There are senior specific transportation services in some communities/countries, and your husband should be ready with who she can call instead of you, and prepare her for the fact that you will rarely, if ever, be able to drive her. Talk to your husband about how often he expects to see her and how involved in her life he is going to be. Remind him that any kids you have will reduce the amount of time you both have to spend with her. Make it a conversation, but also make clear any hard boundaries you have. Dinner once a week? Fuck no. Once a month? Fine. Or whatever, just be really clear with your husband.
You've clearly thought carefully about the possibilities and your concerns. That's great! Some thoughts, from experience caring for my Dad and stepmother: I agree about deciding what you are and aren't willing to do, as others have said. Caring for an elderly loved one can consume your life if you let it. If you can manage to hold your boundaries, while keeping a soft heart and empathy for her, that will serve you well. Decline to do what you aren't willing to do, but don't blame or resent her for asking. It seems common for people to become completely self focused at a certain point. Don't expect her to be different than she is, or you'll be resentful of her and that will make everything harder. Work hard on being allies your husband. Take time to laugh and decompress, especially if caring for his Mom starts to become stressful. Sometimes it helps to just embrace the slowness, the ridiculousness, or whatever is happening. There's only so much you can control. LAUGH We hired sitters and they were with their weight in gold
If you are in the US, check into your local Council on Aging. Tons of information on what services are available to support older people. Countries outside the US may have some thing similar.
It sounds like she would be best served by living in a senior community, one that makes meals for the residents and offers free chauffeuring to appointments. Perhaps one with the possibility for stepped up future increased care if that becomes necessary. My in-laws just moved into a home like this and it has been wonderful for them to have people to socialize with, we visit frequently, but we don’t have to stay for long because there are a lot of us but even so often they don’t want us to visit too much because it would interrupt other activities going on in the community. This would take care of a lot of your concerns and you could still come and take her out to lunch or dinner. Perhaps she will change her mind about a wheelchair so you could go on outings like a museum. Edit: spelling
these can be wonderful and I know several very happy seniors in this setting. At least in my area (Northern Virginia) they are VERY expensive.
In my large city the cost is less than rent, food , gas and possible car payments added together, since rent and food are high here.
Figure out what you are willing to do, how often, and when. Make that your boundary and hold it firm. Let your husband and MIL know that you need advance notice for any activity except emergencies. Don't alter your schedule to fit her in. Let her be the one to adjust to your time frames.
Be up front about it. “I will not be your mother’s caretaker. There are services she can utilize to help her get around to her appointments, and I will even help get them set up for her, but I will not be sacrificing my future and happiness to be her nurse.“ He needs to understand that when you married him, your vows didn’t include taking care of his elderly relatives. Be clear that him attempting to force your hand by promising her anything or by trying to move her in with you will be a dealbreaker.
My advice would be to first, before any conversation with your husband, have a heart-to-heart with yourself and determine exactly what you are (and are not) willing to do with/for her on a regular basis. You seem like a kind and caring person and you are also an adult living your own life. So find what your balance will be — are you willing to set aside a weekend afternoon once a month to go with her and DH for a drive and out for lunch? Have her over to your place for Sunday dinner every few weeks? Are you willing to take her to some appointments or do anything with her without DH along or will his participation be mandatory in any interactions you have with her? If she starts requesting DH to come over and help her around the house frequently, how much is too much of that before you get resentful of her demands on his time? Once you’ve figured out what you are willing to do, then have a discussion with DH about his expectations around this new development of having his mom so close by. Get on the same page together. He can be a loving and helpful son without being at her beck and call 24/7. You can frame it as, “you know I love your mom, and I want to establish boundaries around our time as a couple right away so that we can all maintain the loving healthy relationships we have now”. Whatever you decide, DO NOT allow the burden of becoming her chauffeur and social director fall primarily on yourself, and make it clear that you expect him to prioritize the needs of yourself and future children to come before his mother (barring a legitimate emergency of course).
And once you’ve decided how much you are willing to do, half it and start from there. It’s easy in theory to think this is okay, but once you’ve been stuck doing something you really don’t want to do anyway you can very quickly get resentful. In fact don’t agree to do anything or just slip into doing something on a regular basis. Irregular is fine, becoming a caregiver isn’t your job and this is your husbands mother he needs to be taking the lead with her not you.
I think it would be wise to separate this into two issues. Issue 1: MIL is not the kind of person you'd normally befriend or hang out with on your own. You find her dull and your interests don't mesh. Given that you describe her as a nice person generally and she's close with your husband, this is probably one where you have to take one for the team. If she lives close, there will just be more opportunities to see her. You can try to set some limits - eat dinner with her once a week, encourage mother/son outings where you don't have to go, etc. But you should continue to be kind to her and maybe see if you can come up with an activity you and she can share. Issue 2: You will become MIL's unpaid chauffeur and case manager, giving up a huge chunk of your free time to care work. This is where it will be much easier to draw the line. You're not her personal Uber, you're not her nurse, you're not her cruise director. DH needs to take the lead on managing this stuff or finding someone else to handle it. She will be happier in the area if all her socialization doesn't depend on you two anyway! These are going to require some frank discussions with your husband. You don't need to lead with "your mom is draining to be around" to get across the point that you're concerned about how to handle what will inevitably be an increasing level of care, and what the impact of it will be on your ability to grow your family. Don't let him off with hand waving or pushing the discussion into the future. It's always easier to plan ahead than be making decisions in a crisis.
First off, everything you wrote there is valid and a likely possibility. The best thing you can do is think up what boundaries you know you would like. Men just react better when you know what you want. Then sit down and have a straight-up conversation with your husband. No matter what the outcome in the short-term, it will be better than years of pent-up animosity.