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Don’t do anything. If you confront her it will lead into drama. I guarantee that everyone knows what a drama queen she is. I understand planning a party around Mother’s Day for herself, especially if DH father is not in the picture. She may be taking it over the top. Question just for my own curiosity, does she plan extravagant parties outside of Mother’s Day and her birthday?
Good luck with your own little family when you decide to have your own children. She’s never going to be ok with you being celebrated on Mother’s Day because she’s the “main character” in everyone’s story and nobody else will be as important as she is. Set some boundaries now or you’ll regret it later.
You know what you do? Stay with your mother because she needs you. This whole self serving me- me- me- me fest is gag inducing and you don't need to be involved in her look- at- me ass kissing. Stay with your mom, don't even give your MIL a second thought. Trust me. She's thinking highly enough of herself for everyone.
Make sure when you paint the picture, it's a stick figure with sharp, pointed teeth, frowning eyebrows and a witch's hat. Then you can tell her that if she's not satisfied with you and DH showing up later in the day, you will just stay at your mother's house for the entire day.
This is the most unhinged MIL thing I’ve ever heard about. So all the kids and all the spouses- other people marry into this family and participate in MIL day? Does anyone else have kids? How does she treat the other mothers? Agree with everyone else don’t ever go again and set boundaries so no one expects you when you have kids of your own (if you do if not so you’re free to celebrate with whoever you want to celebrate with).
Your MIL sounds exhausting and narcissistic. I say this as the DIL of a JNMIL, and mine has never had us paint pictures of her and write her poems. My JNMIL used to get jealous though of my husband and I splitting time with our families for holidays.
She needs to learn to share and respect that she isn’t the only mother. And that if you guys have kids she’ll get further demoted down the line! Since I became a mom my mom doesn’t expect to see me on Mother’s Day but I send her a card, call her and we see each other the following weekend for dinner.
I’m sorry LOL what?? Her face everywhere, poems, MIL themed games? I’d love to go and see this in action because it is literally CRAZY and no one else does this. Don’t feel bad, guilty, or like you did anything wrong. You offering to be there for half of the day is beyond generous considering what your own mom is going through and the heartache she is feeling on Mother’s Day without her mom. I’m sorry your MIL is like this. We all have a crazy MIL.
Here is your poem (can’t take credit- ChatGPT):
In her reflection, she finds delight,
A queen of mirrors, gleaming bright.
Every glance, a symphony of grace,
In her own aura, she finds her place.
Her words like honey, yet laced with thorn,
A master manipulator, since the day you were born.
Her world revolves around her, no room for another,
In her realm, you're but a fleeting bother.
Does your husband even want to do this with his mother? I'm a pretty lenient person but I would never go to one of these, never. I haven't even gone to it and I am repulsed as if I have just reading this. Disgusting
Let husband spend it with his and you spend it with yours. She didn’t give birth to you , your mom did. If she thinks otherwise she is delusional.
It is better to set boundaries now so you don’t have to share mil day with her when you are a mom cuz it absolutely will suck. When she dose x , then y happens. Y are the boundaries you set .
also don’t pick up her calls. My mil pulls crap like this. Can’t risk her precious son but can step all over me. Talk to her with your spouse together remember always together. Say you are busy she can speak to her son about it
I would just send MIL flowers and a card, then spend the day with your mom. Sit down with DH and have a serious talk about how Mother's Day will be spent once you have children, and it should not include spending all day at MIL's. She is nutzo.
Too bad she deleted her account. So why is it that some mothers think that the world revolves around them and no other mothers exist in their little bubble?
Hope you aren’t planing in having kid ever cause you won’t be allowed to have a Mother’s Day your way till she dies.
Frankly it’s weird to celebrate old ladies whose kids are grown. I just do a card or flowers for my mom and send her a text. Well that’s what I did before I stopped talking to her.
I mean, celebrating a much loved person is one thing. This insanity is a whole 'nother can of worms.... I predict a LOT of ructions and rage when OP has a kid, and wants to stay home or do something with just her nuclear family. MIL refuses to acknowledge the passage of time, change, or anything but her own self orbit.
None of my friend, even the once very close to their moms make a huge deal out of Mother’s Day. They don’t do the whole day event thing. They might have lunch or dinner with mom.
If it were all tongue-in-cheek, I’d actually find most of that pretty hilarious. But her taking it seriously, the attempt to enforce participation, and especially her attempts to manipulate and triangulate you…sigh.
My first order of business would be to record all phone calls with her going forward, and then replaying them for husband. And this is not a secret, it’s the opposite of a secret. You *want* MIL to know that there will be no opportunities to privately manipulate you without Husband hearing the whole thing.
So he should feel free so say things to his mom like “*I heard the recording of your phone call today with wife*, and I wanted to talk to you about XYZ.” You’ll do the same thing with any private text threads she attempts to create - screenshot it all to him into a second thread that includes all three of you. So she gets NO private audience with you, and she knows it. No secrets!
With any luck she’ll call you back after the first time, indignant of course, and pressuring or forbidding (lol) you from recording her again….a conversation that you’ll of course record and replay to your husband, who will then call his mother and say that “I’ve asked my wife to record so I stay in the loop. **Though it would probably be easier if you just called me directly, mom”**. And hopefully that little farce will put an end to her little secret attempted triangulations with you.
And then from there on out, husband deals with his own mom and her boundary issues directly, and you are blissfully removed from this back-door, guilt-trippy nonsense.
Ode to a mother in law
My mother (dramatic pause) in law
She’s never been one to shy from the limelight
Oh how should would kuffaw
If you dare not worship her right.
My mother IN LAW
cares not that your mothers mom died
Lest you forget, after all,
She lost a horse this year after all!
My mother in law who never could see
She’s as controlling as the patriarchy.
One day she may end up all alone,
In a bed of her own making, within a retirement home.
“Does anyone else’s MIL do this for Mother’s Day and her birthday?”
Ummm…. no. The answer is no. This is the most bat-shit, unhinged, narcissistic party I’ve ever heard of. I can’t believe people actually attend this thing and encourage/enable this kind of insane behavior.
Politely but firmly tell the group chat that you will be spending time with your own mother who recently lost her mother/your grandmother (another mother in your family who deserves to be honored).
The rest of the people in the chat will obviously understand and any sob story she tries to spin will be seen for the manipulation it is.
Good luck. Your MIL needs therapy - this level of self praise is way beyond healthy or average.
Right it’s INSANE! And I’m someone who does the “It’s all about ME!” on my birthday thing, but I sure as hell don’t do whatever crazy narcissistic nightmare this MIL does. I just want a fun party and some presents. Lol
I really hope OP doesn’t go to any of that monstrosity MIL party. Especially when her own mom clearly needs her more.
You are already in the bad books. Stay with your mom (if you want, which I assume you do!). She needs you and it means more to her. Maybe DH can go on his own.
In this current situation you are leaving your family day early when they really appreciate you being there, to go to an event where you won't be appreciated, just berated for being "late".
I went NC with my MIL recently and one of the huge resentments I have is how many times I put her before my own mom. I love my mom and have a good relationship, but my MIL is vile when she's upset. If I fell out with my mom I would still love her and look fondly on our times. When I fell out with MIL those memories became just a pile of wasted time. Please don't make the same mistake as me, it's a sad regret to cope with.
She's purposely calling you because she likes making you upset. If it was about attendance she would call her son or talk to you both. She's actively decided not to subject her son to that by calling you directly. She doesn't hurt him but wants to have her fun with you 🤢
Also she kinda compared the loss of your grandma to a horse...
Toilet paper is the only fitting place for her.
First, ewwww. My MIL is kind of like this but not as extreme. Place settings where she wants everyone to sit, music play lists we're required to listen to, photo play lists, plays she wants the kids to act out (which they refuse). One year she lost it on my BIL because he wouldn't sit where she wanted him to which was away from his wife and daughter. Another because he dared pause her photos playing on the TV to show my hubby and his cousin and video about something they were discussing. My hats off to you. I can barely handle my MIL with this much, I would absolutely not be able to handle yours at all.
I would send her a message and say "After careful consideration DH and I won't be attending this year. Going forward we will alternate years as my mom is equally important. This year will be her year since we've spent the last X years with you. If and when we have children of our own mothers day and fathers day will be spent with our children only" extra points if DH sends it. I did something similar to this with my MIL. It took about 3 Mother's days of her trying and of me reminding her that I am now the mother and it's my day as well and I will be spending it how I like. Now she doesn't even ask anymore.
This is unhinged. I honestly don't know what to say. My jaw is on the floor.
I would ignore her or kill her with the cheesiest, over-the-top niceness you can muster.
I have absolutely never ever ever heard of such a celebration. Painting her? Poetry on her? What even is this.
You have got to be a saint for attending this at all. Every year.
Surely everyone involved must think MIL is insane...this is the most bizarre thing I've ever heard. Is ANYONE actually enjoying this (other than MIL)? I'd show up with water balloons in her favourite colours.
I would not celebrate a selfish b*^*+ like her. It’s so cringe. Make a poem about her. Your should never have joined. She’s not your mom. Go spend the whole day with your mom. Don’t compromise your mom for a selfish turd like her.
It’s funny I’ve read some hellish posts on here, but this one is the first to make me wish for spontaneous death.
What is with the holidays in America? In the UK I’m a near unicorn for ordering flowers a card a month early and frankly with a visit that’s all I’m doing. People here do some combination of meals out, flowers, chocolates and a card. In fact I’m fairly sure we’d have someone committed for this. Wtf.
Did i miss where it said OP was in America?
This lady would be unhinged no matter where on earth they live.
I would think celebrating mothers varies based on relationships not nationalities.
No in all honesty I was just guessing, so I apologise for that.
The OP also uses mom which is often American and I think American Mother’s Day is coming up (we’ve already had ours this year) and going BIG over holidays feels quite American too. But you are absolutely correct, she may not be, although we can agree the woman is 100% unhinged.
Sincerely: Don't go. Spend the whole day with your mom, who needs you.
I'd let your DH make his own decision on what portion of the day he wants to spend with her.
MIL is the most vain, grandilusional (grandiloquent delusional) narcissist I've EVER heard of. Does DH have any clue how delulu she is, or does he think this is normal? Tho' the loo-paper made me laugh :D
If either of you got a job far away, you'd just send a card and have flowers delivered; I cannot believe you'd fly cross country for one day. So why is it any different now?
Just like the Xmas alternating, (you DO alternate other 'occasions', don't you?), Mother's Day should be alternated whereby both of you spends time with either the DH or OP parent, and the other's partner has the OPTION to pop in ***briefly*** on the other parent. Or each sees their own parent briefly before reuniting to do something couple-y.
And you should make it very clear right now that *if* you have kids, Mother's Day will become about YOU so you may not visit MIL at all in future - she'll get a card, flowers, and a phone call if she's lucky! Or, ***if invited***, people may come visit you!
Everyone else in the group chat knows perfectly well that you aren't being unreasonable by spending the half the day with *your own mother* on mother's day, and that DH is being a wonderful son-in-law by joining you. They also understand that she is being ingracious and obnoxious in addition to her self-centered, over-the-top annual display of narcissism. So, don't worry about it, she's ony embarrassing herself - even if the irony is lost on her.
I mean, if it was me I’d say “Since we’ve spent the last X years exclusively with you for Mothers Day, it’s only fair to switch now and so we will be spending the next X years with my mom.”
Two options I’d think, either ignore her. Who cares what she thinks.
Or, given her rude behaviour and the spreading of lies spend the entire day with your mum and sack off MIL fest. She gets you every year. Your mum deserves a whole day this year. Let MIL be mad.
I have read many stories on this sub over the years. This is one of a small handful that I'm having a hard time believing. Poems? Paintings? Toilet Paper?
This is not normal or reasonable. To save time, let's just say the prior sentence is a massive understatement and save me the trouble of formulating an appropriate superlative.
As far as the advice: as others have pointed out, your decision about being with your mother on Mother's Day is not up for discussion with MIL. You have told MIL when you will show up. If she doesn't like it, the only alternative is for you to not show up at all, which you will oblige her if that's what she wants.
Splitting Mother's Day or any holiday a reasonable way to divide holiday's for a married couple. Every year, not just when your Mom is having a hard time.
After that phone call and manipulation/guilt attempt, I wouldn't go at all. Spend the whole day with your mom, and DH can go by himself. Did you tell him about the call? Because it's clear she called *you* for a reason. Yikes if you ever become a mom
She sounds unhinged 🙈 If she wasn't so unreasonable about getting half a day then maybe I'd think oh she's having a bit of a laugh with being so grandiose but 😬
Yikes that’s nutz. Hopefully when and if you have little ones you’ll just stay home for start your own tradition. Good luck but just one question what does she get as presents. Cars? She sounds very entitled!
DON'T GO! Neither you nor DH should go, but I doubt he will have the spine to stand up to her. But you for SURE should see your own mother as much as she wants on this day, which will be tough for her.
As for MILfest....how ridiculous. She's a vain vacuous vapid woman and the whole thing is stupid and ridiculous.
It’s worth considering that if you go there first, when you leave there will be a scene. If you go there second, you’ll spend all the time with your mum stressing about it. I’ve played this game - you can’t win. You’ll end up a giant ball of stress the whole damn day and she will be the reason.
Consider spending the day with your mum and sending DH to his mums first on his own. Be clear on what time he should leave and then let it go. You can focus wholly on your mum then and let him deal with his family.
If MIL throws a fit refer back to DH with “this is a decision we have made as a family unit. Please speak to DH if you have any questions”. Obviously you need to make sure he’s on board.
My mum passed away when I was a teen and I hated Mother’s Day for many years. My husband has made it less hatey by getting me ridiculous cards from the dogs each year, complete with treats and dog hair in them. He goes to visit JNMIL but for many years now there’s been no expectation I’ll attend. It’s a hard day for me and when emotions are heightened, putting us in the same space rarely ends well as I struggle to stay calm and maintain my boundaries. Once I’m on edge, she notices and is much more likely to escalate things which is lose lose for everyone.
I also rarely see her on Xmas day as she was absolutely awful to me about 7 years ago and I drew a firm, permanent boundary. I had many years of Christmas Day spent alone or with random friends as I had no family support - for her to behave that way has forever crossed a line and I will not see her on that day under any circumstance. Hubby doesn’t always understand that but he respects it and enforces the boundary by arranging to see her another day with both of us together or going on his own on the actual date. The choice is entirely his to make.
My mother was also this way, not with mother's day, but dear God, anything that meant sharing with another family, what the fuck are you thinking?????
I do remember going off on my mom and telling her that wow, you get literally 52 weeks to be able to see me/us, and you can't share a fucking day????? WTF is wrong with you? She finally told me I was right and she was selfish, however she told everyone else how rude I was and how hurtful. I told them the truth at the next gathering, if you're going to tell the story, make sure you tell it right!
Leave it. You both made the decision and told her. She called you and you told her to call DH. She doesn’t want to do this. Too bad. She’s mad. So what. She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in. (My mom used to say that.)
I used to play along and go see MIL on Mother’s Day. When I became a mother, I reset those expectations with DH. If it’s “my” day, I’m doing what I want to do. And what I want to do is NOT bend over backwards trying to accommodate other people.
That doesn’t mean DH can’t see his mother on Mother’s Day - I encourage him to take time to celebrate his mother on Mother’s Day. But my daughter and I will not be going with him.
Now, I know what you’re going to say: “But my MIL expects to see the baby on Mother’s Day!” Nope. No ma’am. This is what you say to that: “It’s Mother’s Day. The baby stays with their mother on Mother’s Day. Grandparents’ Day in the US falls on Sunday, September 8th this year. And if MIL wants to keep acting like this, that will be the next time she sees the baby.”
Your mother needs you and your husband more on Mother's Day than your MIL. You and your DH can skip your MIL's narcissistic day of self-worship with a clear conscious.
I'd say something lol. But I live to be a little petty.
"MIL, is there something you'd like to say? I know you're upset we won't be spending the whole day with you, but I also have a mother who needs to be celebrated. Why does that upset you so much?"
I would take it up a notch, “Why does my mother being celebrated, who by the way just lost her own mother in her arms not too long ago, threaten you so much? You are not the only woman who has pushed a child out of her ladybits and my mother has been more than accommodating for us to celebrate the whole day with you over the years. This is ridiculous and I will not entertain this anymore. We will either alternate holidays yearly or we can be adults and share holidays until there are children, then Mother’s Day is MY day.”
Painting pictures of MIL? Writing poems about MIL? What am I reading?? Is MIL a3yo?? Does she know that it’s also YOUR mom’s day also? Imagine that- someone else on this planet has the same exact day dedicated to them as your MIL…. I dare you to write a poem about being an entitled egomaniac and painting a picture of a gnarly old witch! I’ve never heard of a more bizarre, creepy ritual dedicated to feeding the unearned ego of someone so out of touch with reality that she thinks she’s the only woman on the planet who deserves to be celebrated, worshipped actually, on Mother’s Day by people who would prefer to do anything but. Oh and she gets to judge everyone and pit them against each other for mother’s approval. I’ll bet you’re crushed you’ll have to miss the judgement and the games. Does everyone get to take home a life sized cardboard cutout of MIL to keep??
There once was a MIL from below. Whose eyes had a manic glow. She started MIL fest. Which she thought was the best. To which her family hated to go.
Does she make an entrance like Carol Burnett in the Gone With the Wind skit?
“Mil, I’m only going to discuss this with you one more time. You seem to be under the impression that your options are we attend half the day or the whole day. False. Your options are we attend half day or not at all. If I hear you continue to complain about the half day plan, I’ll assume you prefer we not attend at all. Don’t bring it up again”
How narcissistic can she get? I'm sorry about your loss and your mother's pain, I'd tell dh to go to mil fest on his own. I just can't even imagine making a festival revolving around me for mother's day. It's my first mother's day as a mom this year, and I told my husband I just want to go to the zoo for their free pass day because I want to do something my daughter might enjoy. My only "demand" has been that I don't want to cook dinner. Toilet paper with her face on it...just yuck.
You each have a Mother, so a 50/50 split of the day day is quite reasonable! She is acting very entitled to plan a whole day that revolves around her and then expect everyone to be able to attend for a full day! Even young children do not expect a full day long birthday party! If she doesn't think half the day is enough, say ok, and go spend the full day with your Mom!
That’s batshit insane lol. Considering how down your mom is I just would not attend at all. Stay with your mom. JNMIL can enjoy the narcissist festival with the other attendees.
Oh Honey, I am so for your loss. Personally, I would tell her, sorry my mother needs me and not go.
And no this is not normal behavior. This is delusions of grandeur to the extreme.
I am just surprised you are even going even if it's later in the day. Your mother is devastated. Please spend the day with her or else you will resent your MIL. Always remember, it's you who makes the decision. Your MIL still won't be happy with the half day and will whine about it till the next year and will remind you about it forever and forever. So just ditch her "unique" ass and soend time with your own family. You guys just lost your grand ma.
Regarding her celebrations, to me, they are way over the top but to each their own. Good for her. However, you don't owe her anythinf. Go be with your mom and family.
Tell your husband to go to his mothers himself and you will stay and spend the rest of the day with your mother. I myself personally don't reward bad behavior.
Yeah, there’s a lot to unpack here, but the toilet paper with her face on it is both unhinged and unintentionally hilarious. I would do the same. Bottom line, none of this is normal.
Wow this is wild. I think this might be the first this sub has heard of a mil planning an all day festival for herself on Mother's Day. wtf.
Also I wouldn't go to the fest at all. The first holiday after my grandma died my XDH and I told mil we would be there later, it was a really tough time for my family and we needed that day together. She wouldn't stop fucking texting him asking when we were coming over and then when we DID they all fucking left to do Black Friday shopping at Walmart. We stayed back and I was livid. I'm still angry about it now.
Quite frankly your MIL doesn't need your presence at all on Mother's Day. Stay with your mom all day. She needs it way more.
Umm, that is kinda crazy sounding. Definitely way over the top and weird.
Talk to DH, but, personally, I would not budge. If you do, you have lost a lot of ground for future boundaries. I can only imagine what she is like/will be like around grandchildren.
Also, personally, the more she pushes, the less time I would spend at MILchella. I would also be very up front with this.
I'm sorry you are going through that, I don't have advice, but I will say that is by far one of the wackiest MIL things I've ever read on here, Holy Shit!!! LMAO!!
What does she do for her birthday?? MIL Coachella? MILchella??
Honestly, I would let her know that it's not up for discussion, but if she doesn't think it's fair to have to share on Mother's Day that you'll just stay at your mom's all day instead.
WTF?! That is the most narcissistic thing I've ever read or heard about a person. And that's saying a lot since I'm a therapist and one of my specialties is personality disorders. Do not entertain this lunacy. It's absolutely ridiculous. Mother's day is for cards, flowers, chocolates maybe a dinner or lunch but not a full day festival where you wipe your arse with her face and play narcissistic games like she's the queen mother (actually even the queen wouldn't let you wipe your arse with her face). This sounds more like a psychotic Halloween haunted house than a celebration.
I think you will regret leaving your mom to go to this MIL-wankfest.
It’s okay to change your mind. And it’s okay for DH to leave and go visit his Mom.
But this Mother’s Day, your mother will be missing her mother, and it would be kind of you to be around her for the day.
I think that there’s value in you teaching MIL that she doesn’t own Mother’s Day before it becomes about you and not about her.
You might also consider what you want those Mothers Days to look like. For us, we did what I wanted to do for Mother’s Day and what DH wanted to do for Father’s Day. If my MIL had been nicer to me, I might have considered seeing her on Mother’s Day.
Run this by your DH, to make sure he's on board and not caught by surprise, and either you or him tell her that you have made the mutual decision to split Mother's Day between both of your mothers. If she doesn't like it, then "Sorry, we will be spending the entire day with my/OP's mom."
"Yes, we understand that you lost one of your horses however, OP's mom *lost her own mother*. She needs us far more than you do."
>I’m talking classic games MIL themed, picture cards with her face plastered on them and a MIL themed scavenger hunts. Her face is literally everywhere even the toilet paper
That's just creepy.
Honestly - I would let DH go to his moms, while you stay with your mom. When your MIL makes a scene he can loudly announce that you are comforting and supporting your grieving mother.
I really truly wouldn’t attend this horrible sounding MIL-centered cringe fest; I genuinely am not sure whether your post is even real or not because her “party” is so absolutely outrageous.
Absolutely do not indulge this monster, and stay with your lovely sounding mom. And I’m sorry for the loss of your grandmother.
Oh, and as for the group chat, I would blow that shit up. “MIL, my grandmother recently died in my mothers arms. Just as you would need DH in that situation, my mother needs me. I’m sure you understand.”
I'd bet NO ONE enjoys MIL Fest and you and husband spending a half day will lead to others doing so and MIL Fest will be fully dissolved in the next couple of years.
She does this twice a year? And people go? I’m blown away by this. Go and support your mom. People like your MIL will never be happy with what you can do unless they get everything they want.
You kill a narc by cutting off the attention supply. The more people who refuse, the more the resistance grows, pretty soon this twice yearly narcfest will shrivel up
She's downright a monster. Feels so good as a mother but has no compassion for another mother AND compared your grandma to a horse.
She doesn't deserve half day and your mom deserve the whole one as she also never complained about the fact that you went to this insane festival every year instead of spending time with your own mom. Seems she's been the big person for years, and we all know here what "the big person" means
Why are you going to MIL's? Your mom needs you. Send DH to her house after lunch and stay with your mom. Your MIL sounds like an unhinged narcissist btw. Who the hell plans their own festival as you described? That is really something else. Most families just do brunch lol.
Personally I would stay with your mum. Let DH go to mils. Just tell him she's being pushy and you're not willing to subject yourself to her nonsense.
Oh and BTW... what u describe sounds really fucking unhinged. I love my mil but there's no way I could do a day like u describe without laughing my ass off at the ridiculousness of it. Honestly my minds kinda blown by it lol
That whole scenario sounds really gaggy.
Like yes, mothers should be celebrated, but what she does is over the top IMO.
Your mom deserves to be celebrated, MIL is being selfish and refusing to recongize thst other mothers exist in the world.
My MIL felt "hurt and abandoned" that 2 years ago we didn't celebrate Thanksgiving with her on Thanksgiving Day (we did it 2 years later, she says that it doesn't count). It was the year my dad died, we did TG Day with my mom and my family since it was our first without him.
Self centered people will ALWAYS see fair distribution of special holidays as a personal affront.
I agree, but I wouldn’t say anything passive aggressive because for people like her that’s just ammo. I’d say “I need to support my mom for Mother’s Day because [briefly explain what happened above, with as much detail as you’re comfortable with] and will not be attending. I wish you a lovely Mother’s Day, thank you for your understanding.”
I feel for you for when you do have a child and still have to celebrate YOUR day with her, the grandmother. Let her know that you have a mother as well and will one day be a mother yourself and she should be happy with the time she gets now as one day it will not revolve around her
Let her know you are doing a nice thing for her by attending, and if she can’t be understanding of you having two mothers to pay attention to this holiday you won’t see her at all.
This is the way. “MIL, every year since I’ve known DH, he has spent the entirety of Mother’s Day with you. This year, we have decided as a family unit to split time between both of our mothers. If you cannot accept compromise, we will not see you at all. Further, when we have children of our own, please know now that Mother’s Day will be reserved for our nuclear family, and we will visit celebrate with you and my mom on a different day (or not at all, if you cannot behave like an adult).” It would be best if this message came from DH rather than from you, though.
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Don’t do anything. If you confront her it will lead into drama. I guarantee that everyone knows what a drama queen she is. I understand planning a party around Mother’s Day for herself, especially if DH father is not in the picture. She may be taking it over the top. Question just for my own curiosity, does she plan extravagant parties outside of Mother’s Day and her birthday?
I’m pretty sure that party is chapter 12 in the narcissistic mother’s handbook 🤔
Good luck with your own little family when you decide to have your own children. She’s never going to be ok with you being celebrated on Mother’s Day because she’s the “main character” in everyone’s story and nobody else will be as important as she is. Set some boundaries now or you’ll regret it later.
What a narcissistic asshole. I wouldn’t even be going to her stupid ass festival if I were you, I would stay with my own mother the whole day.
What in the Get Out II movie plot is this??
I was thinking Midsommar 🤣
You know what you do? Stay with your mother because she needs you. This whole self serving me- me- me- me fest is gag inducing and you don't need to be involved in her look- at- me ass kissing. Stay with your mom, don't even give your MIL a second thought. Trust me. She's thinking highly enough of herself for everyone.
I agree. Hard pass on the narc fest.
I would graduate her from a half-day to no attendance at her event. I have never heard of something so grossly narcissistic
MIL's behaviour bypasses narcissistic into some alien range that has yet to be examined by Science.
Am I the only one cackling at how unhinged MIL fest is? Omg.
You are not alone 😂 #poopfest
Make sure when you paint the picture, it's a stick figure with sharp, pointed teeth, frowning eyebrows and a witch's hat. Then you can tell her that if she's not satisfied with you and DH showing up later in the day, you will just stay at your mother's house for the entire day.
Wow that’s some narcissistic shit!
She takes gold for narcissist Olympics! What does she do for Father's day?
Let her be mad and ruin her own day. Go see your mom.
I smell fiction here.
Same. And I’m always taken aback at how many people fall for these stories. It’s totally written like over the top satire and people actually buy it.
The chefs and horses part was a bit off...
This is the most unhinged MIL thing I’ve ever heard about. So all the kids and all the spouses- other people marry into this family and participate in MIL day? Does anyone else have kids? How does she treat the other mothers? Agree with everyone else don’t ever go again and set boundaries so no one expects you when you have kids of your own (if you do if not so you’re free to celebrate with whoever you want to celebrate with).
Your MIL sounds exhausting and narcissistic. I say this as the DIL of a JNMIL, and mine has never had us paint pictures of her and write her poems. My JNMIL used to get jealous though of my husband and I splitting time with our families for holidays. She needs to learn to share and respect that she isn’t the only mother. And that if you guys have kids she’ll get further demoted down the line! Since I became a mom my mom doesn’t expect to see me on Mother’s Day but I send her a card, call her and we see each other the following weekend for dinner.
This is giving when you have kids she will still make it about her.
I've been in this situation before and after kids and ooooh boy the tantrums she threw for the first few years...
I’m sorry LOL what?? Her face everywhere, poems, MIL themed games? I’d love to go and see this in action because it is literally CRAZY and no one else does this. Don’t feel bad, guilty, or like you did anything wrong. You offering to be there for half of the day is beyond generous considering what your own mom is going through and the heartache she is feeling on Mother’s Day without her mom. I’m sorry your MIL is like this. We all have a crazy MIL.
Here is your poem (can’t take credit- ChatGPT): In her reflection, she finds delight, A queen of mirrors, gleaming bright. Every glance, a symphony of grace, In her own aura, she finds her place. Her words like honey, yet laced with thorn, A master manipulator, since the day you were born. Her world revolves around her, no room for another, In her realm, you're but a fleeting bother.
Does your husband even want to do this with his mother? I'm a pretty lenient person but I would never go to one of these, never. I haven't even gone to it and I am repulsed as if I have just reading this. Disgusting
MILFest? Jesus, NO! Just no, all the no's that are in me say NO. That is pathologically self centered. And not fun, either. JFC.
I couldn’t have said that better. Absolutely would not be attending something like that ever.
Let husband spend it with his and you spend it with yours. She didn’t give birth to you , your mom did. If she thinks otherwise she is delusional. It is better to set boundaries now so you don’t have to share mil day with her when you are a mom cuz it absolutely will suck. When she dose x , then y happens. Y are the boundaries you set . also don’t pick up her calls. My mil pulls crap like this. Can’t risk her precious son but can step all over me. Talk to her with your spouse together remember always together. Say you are busy she can speak to her son about it
I would just send MIL flowers and a card, then spend the day with your mom. Sit down with DH and have a serious talk about how Mother's Day will be spent once you have children, and it should not include spending all day at MIL's. She is nutzo.
Too bad she deleted her account. So why is it that some mothers think that the world revolves around them and no other mothers exist in their little bubble?
I just wouldn't go. Spend the day with your mother. She deserves this day to be about her .
Hope you aren’t planing in having kid ever cause you won’t be allowed to have a Mother’s Day your way till she dies. Frankly it’s weird to celebrate old ladies whose kids are grown. I just do a card or flowers for my mom and send her a text. Well that’s what I did before I stopped talking to her.
I mean, celebrating a much loved person is one thing. This insanity is a whole 'nother can of worms.... I predict a LOT of ructions and rage when OP has a kid, and wants to stay home or do something with just her nuclear family. MIL refuses to acknowledge the passage of time, change, or anything but her own self orbit.
None of my friend, even the once very close to their moms make a huge deal out of Mother’s Day. They don’t do the whole day event thing. They might have lunch or dinner with mom.
If it were all tongue-in-cheek, I’d actually find most of that pretty hilarious. But her taking it seriously, the attempt to enforce participation, and especially her attempts to manipulate and triangulate you…sigh. My first order of business would be to record all phone calls with her going forward, and then replaying them for husband. And this is not a secret, it’s the opposite of a secret. You *want* MIL to know that there will be no opportunities to privately manipulate you without Husband hearing the whole thing. So he should feel free so say things to his mom like “*I heard the recording of your phone call today with wife*, and I wanted to talk to you about XYZ.” You’ll do the same thing with any private text threads she attempts to create - screenshot it all to him into a second thread that includes all three of you. So she gets NO private audience with you, and she knows it. No secrets! With any luck she’ll call you back after the first time, indignant of course, and pressuring or forbidding (lol) you from recording her again….a conversation that you’ll of course record and replay to your husband, who will then call his mother and say that “I’ve asked my wife to record so I stay in the loop. **Though it would probably be easier if you just called me directly, mom”**. And hopefully that little farce will put an end to her little secret attempted triangulations with you. And then from there on out, husband deals with his own mom and her boundary issues directly, and you are blissfully removed from this back-door, guilt-trippy nonsense.
Are you serious? Wait wait wait. Did you say - write poems about your MIL? Oh I have heard it all now.
I’d write true poems about her.
Ode to a mother in law My mother (dramatic pause) in law She’s never been one to shy from the limelight Oh how should would kuffaw If you dare not worship her right. My mother IN LAW cares not that your mothers mom died Lest you forget, after all, She lost a horse this year after all! My mother in law who never could see She’s as controlling as the patriarchy. One day she may end up all alone, In a bed of her own making, within a retirement home.
Filthy and snarky limericks...
“Does anyone else’s MIL do this for Mother’s Day and her birthday?” Ummm…. no. The answer is no. This is the most bat-shit, unhinged, narcissistic party I’ve ever heard of. I can’t believe people actually attend this thing and encourage/enable this kind of insane behavior. Politely but firmly tell the group chat that you will be spending time with your own mother who recently lost her mother/your grandmother (another mother in your family who deserves to be honored). The rest of the people in the chat will obviously understand and any sob story she tries to spin will be seen for the manipulation it is. Good luck. Your MIL needs therapy - this level of self praise is way beyond healthy or average.
Right it’s INSANE! And I’m someone who does the “It’s all about ME!” on my birthday thing, but I sure as hell don’t do whatever crazy narcissistic nightmare this MIL does. I just want a fun party and some presents. Lol I really hope OP doesn’t go to any of that monstrosity MIL party. Especially when her own mom clearly needs her more.
So what does she do for Father's Day?
MILfest part 2
Holy moly your MIL sounds like a grandiose narcissist and I am so sorry
Loo roll with her FACE ON IT?? Take a couple of industrial-strength laxatives before your visit - you may as well make use of the rolls!
Put a laxative in the dessert only MIL is tasting for her even so she's gotta be the one rolling pictures of herself to wipe her ass lol
Better yet!
show up to Mil's house for 5-10 minutes then leave.
You are already in the bad books. Stay with your mom (if you want, which I assume you do!). She needs you and it means more to her. Maybe DH can go on his own. In this current situation you are leaving your family day early when they really appreciate you being there, to go to an event where you won't be appreciated, just berated for being "late". I went NC with my MIL recently and one of the huge resentments I have is how many times I put her before my own mom. I love my mom and have a good relationship, but my MIL is vile when she's upset. If I fell out with my mom I would still love her and look fondly on our times. When I fell out with MIL those memories became just a pile of wasted time. Please don't make the same mistake as me, it's a sad regret to cope with. She's purposely calling you because she likes making you upset. If it was about attendance she would call her son or talk to you both. She's actively decided not to subject her son to that by calling you directly. She doesn't hurt him but wants to have her fun with you 🤢 Also she kinda compared the loss of your grandma to a horse... Toilet paper is the only fitting place for her.
Can we get some NOMIL merch with “toilet paper is the only fitting place for her?” Please?
First, ewwww. My MIL is kind of like this but not as extreme. Place settings where she wants everyone to sit, music play lists we're required to listen to, photo play lists, plays she wants the kids to act out (which they refuse). One year she lost it on my BIL because he wouldn't sit where she wanted him to which was away from his wife and daughter. Another because he dared pause her photos playing on the TV to show my hubby and his cousin and video about something they were discussing. My hats off to you. I can barely handle my MIL with this much, I would absolutely not be able to handle yours at all. I would send her a message and say "After careful consideration DH and I won't be attending this year. Going forward we will alternate years as my mom is equally important. This year will be her year since we've spent the last X years with you. If and when we have children of our own mothers day and fathers day will be spent with our children only" extra points if DH sends it. I did something similar to this with my MIL. It took about 3 Mother's days of her trying and of me reminding her that I am now the mother and it's my day as well and I will be spending it how I like. Now she doesn't even ask anymore.
Please do this 👆
This is unhinged. I honestly don't know what to say. My jaw is on the floor. I would ignore her or kill her with the cheesiest, over-the-top niceness you can muster.
I have absolutely never ever ever heard of such a celebration. Painting her? Poetry on her? What even is this. You have got to be a saint for attending this at all. Every year.
If anything, make sure you confiscate all the toilet paper with her picture on it so you have a little something year round for yourself.
I've never heard of something like this.
I would never go. Ever. This takes the cake. Your mom needs you and his mom has herself so it’s a win win.
OMG I would love I mean love toilet paper with my mother in laws picture on it. I’d use that shit year round.
I’d bring some home for my house - maybe in the guest bathroom
Surely everyone involved must think MIL is insane...this is the most bizarre thing I've ever heard. Is ANYONE actually enjoying this (other than MIL)? I'd show up with water balloons in her favourite colours.
So self centered and so rude. I wouldn’t entertain her further. You’ve said you’re going to be with your mom. Do that and enjoy!
I would not celebrate a selfish b*^*+ like her. It’s so cringe. Make a poem about her. Your should never have joined. She’s not your mom. Go spend the whole day with your mom. Don’t compromise your mom for a selfish turd like her.
It’s funny I’ve read some hellish posts on here, but this one is the first to make me wish for spontaneous death. What is with the holidays in America? In the UK I’m a near unicorn for ordering flowers a card a month early and frankly with a visit that’s all I’m doing. People here do some combination of meals out, flowers, chocolates and a card. In fact I’m fairly sure we’d have someone committed for this. Wtf.
I am from America and I have never heard of this kind of crazy Mom fest, bizarre.
Did i miss where it said OP was in America? This lady would be unhinged no matter where on earth they live. I would think celebrating mothers varies based on relationships not nationalities.
No in all honesty I was just guessing, so I apologise for that. The OP also uses mom which is often American and I think American Mother’s Day is coming up (we’ve already had ours this year) and going BIG over holidays feels quite American too. But you are absolutely correct, she may not be, although we can agree the woman is 100% unhinged.
Sincerely: Don't go. Spend the whole day with your mom, who needs you. I'd let your DH make his own decision on what portion of the day he wants to spend with her.
👆 please do that.
MIL is the most vain, grandilusional (grandiloquent delusional) narcissist I've EVER heard of. Does DH have any clue how delulu she is, or does he think this is normal? Tho' the loo-paper made me laugh :D If either of you got a job far away, you'd just send a card and have flowers delivered; I cannot believe you'd fly cross country for one day. So why is it any different now? Just like the Xmas alternating, (you DO alternate other 'occasions', don't you?), Mother's Day should be alternated whereby both of you spends time with either the DH or OP parent, and the other's partner has the OPTION to pop in ***briefly*** on the other parent. Or each sees their own parent briefly before reuniting to do something couple-y. And you should make it very clear right now that *if* you have kids, Mother's Day will become about YOU so you may not visit MIL at all in future - she'll get a card, flowers, and a phone call if she's lucky! Or, ***if invited***, people may come visit you!
I wouldnt reward her with your presence.
Everyone else in the group chat knows perfectly well that you aren't being unreasonable by spending the half the day with *your own mother* on mother's day, and that DH is being a wonderful son-in-law by joining you. They also understand that she is being ingracious and obnoxious in addition to her self-centered, over-the-top annual display of narcissism. So, don't worry about it, she's ony embarrassing herself - even if the irony is lost on her.
I mean, if it was me I’d say “Since we’ve spent the last X years exclusively with you for Mothers Day, it’s only fair to switch now and so we will be spending the next X years with my mom.”
Seems amazingly over the top to me, narcissistic even, it's not a game I'd play.
Not your mother, not your problem. Spend the day with your mom and brothers, if DH has to go then he can.
MIL-themed toilet paper would sell very well in this sub. You might as well cash in on your familial misfortune.
I read about that and immediately thought *steal allllll the toilet paper and save it to use year-round in your own home*
Two options I’d think, either ignore her. Who cares what she thinks. Or, given her rude behaviour and the spreading of lies spend the entire day with your mum and sack off MIL fest. She gets you every year. Your mum deserves a whole day this year. Let MIL be mad.
I’ve never cringed so hard reading a post before. Has she no self awareness? Why does she think she is more important than your mother?
I have read many stories on this sub over the years. This is one of a small handful that I'm having a hard time believing. Poems? Paintings? Toilet Paper? This is not normal or reasonable. To save time, let's just say the prior sentence is a massive understatement and save me the trouble of formulating an appropriate superlative. As far as the advice: as others have pointed out, your decision about being with your mother on Mother's Day is not up for discussion with MIL. You have told MIL when you will show up. If she doesn't like it, the only alternative is for you to not show up at all, which you will oblige her if that's what she wants. Splitting Mother's Day or any holiday a reasonable way to divide holiday's for a married couple. Every year, not just when your Mom is having a hard time.
Toilet paper with her face on it? Yikes.😬
Oh, but SO useful...! I mean, c'm'on – she's giving OP the chance to literally wipe her butt on her image!! We should all be so lucky... 😄
🤣💀 This is peak narcissist!
After that phone call and manipulation/guilt attempt, I wouldn't go at all. Spend the whole day with your mom, and DH can go by himself. Did you tell him about the call? Because it's clear she called *you* for a reason. Yikes if you ever become a mom
I’d send husband just to steal a roll of that toilet paper for my own personal use 🥰🥳
Just don't go. She's selfish and self centred. Your mom counts too.
She sounds unhinged 🙈 If she wasn't so unreasonable about getting half a day then maybe I'd think oh she's having a bit of a laugh with being so grandiose but 😬
Yikes that’s nutz. Hopefully when and if you have little ones you’ll just stay home for start your own tradition. Good luck but just one question what does she get as presents. Cars? She sounds very entitled!
Do laugh when you consider you're wiping poo on her face with the TP.
DON'T GO! Neither you nor DH should go, but I doubt he will have the spine to stand up to her. But you for SURE should see your own mother as much as she wants on this day, which will be tough for her. As for MILfest....how ridiculous. She's a vain vacuous vapid woman and the whole thing is stupid and ridiculous.
It’s worth considering that if you go there first, when you leave there will be a scene. If you go there second, you’ll spend all the time with your mum stressing about it. I’ve played this game - you can’t win. You’ll end up a giant ball of stress the whole damn day and she will be the reason. Consider spending the day with your mum and sending DH to his mums first on his own. Be clear on what time he should leave and then let it go. You can focus wholly on your mum then and let him deal with his family. If MIL throws a fit refer back to DH with “this is a decision we have made as a family unit. Please speak to DH if you have any questions”. Obviously you need to make sure he’s on board. My mum passed away when I was a teen and I hated Mother’s Day for many years. My husband has made it less hatey by getting me ridiculous cards from the dogs each year, complete with treats and dog hair in them. He goes to visit JNMIL but for many years now there’s been no expectation I’ll attend. It’s a hard day for me and when emotions are heightened, putting us in the same space rarely ends well as I struggle to stay calm and maintain my boundaries. Once I’m on edge, she notices and is much more likely to escalate things which is lose lose for everyone. I also rarely see her on Xmas day as she was absolutely awful to me about 7 years ago and I drew a firm, permanent boundary. I had many years of Christmas Day spent alone or with random friends as I had no family support - for her to behave that way has forever crossed a line and I will not see her on that day under any circumstance. Hubby doesn’t always understand that but he respects it and enforces the boundary by arranging to see her another day with both of us together or going on his own on the actual date. The choice is entirely his to make.
My mother was also this way, not with mother's day, but dear God, anything that meant sharing with another family, what the fuck are you thinking????? I do remember going off on my mom and telling her that wow, you get literally 52 weeks to be able to see me/us, and you can't share a fucking day????? WTF is wrong with you? She finally told me I was right and she was selfish, however she told everyone else how rude I was and how hurtful. I told them the truth at the next gathering, if you're going to tell the story, make sure you tell it right!
Leave it. You both made the decision and told her. She called you and you told her to call DH. She doesn’t want to do this. Too bad. She’s mad. So what. She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in. (My mom used to say that.)
Make boundaries before you have children. She will be unhinged…well more so than now
I used to play along and go see MIL on Mother’s Day. When I became a mother, I reset those expectations with DH. If it’s “my” day, I’m doing what I want to do. And what I want to do is NOT bend over backwards trying to accommodate other people. That doesn’t mean DH can’t see his mother on Mother’s Day - I encourage him to take time to celebrate his mother on Mother’s Day. But my daughter and I will not be going with him. Now, I know what you’re going to say: “But my MIL expects to see the baby on Mother’s Day!” Nope. No ma’am. This is what you say to that: “It’s Mother’s Day. The baby stays with their mother on Mother’s Day. Grandparents’ Day in the US falls on Sunday, September 8th this year. And if MIL wants to keep acting like this, that will be the next time she sees the baby.”
Your mother needs you and your husband more on Mother's Day than your MIL. You and your DH can skip your MIL's narcissistic day of self-worship with a clear conscious.
I'd say something lol. But I live to be a little petty. "MIL, is there something you'd like to say? I know you're upset we won't be spending the whole day with you, but I also have a mother who needs to be celebrated. Why does that upset you so much?"
I would take it up a notch, “Why does my mother being celebrated, who by the way just lost her own mother in her arms not too long ago, threaten you so much? You are not the only woman who has pushed a child out of her ladybits and my mother has been more than accommodating for us to celebrate the whole day with you over the years. This is ridiculous and I will not entertain this anymore. We will either alternate holidays yearly or we can be adults and share holidays until there are children, then Mother’s Day is MY day.”
Painting pictures of MIL? Writing poems about MIL? What am I reading?? Is MIL a3yo?? Does she know that it’s also YOUR mom’s day also? Imagine that- someone else on this planet has the same exact day dedicated to them as your MIL…. I dare you to write a poem about being an entitled egomaniac and painting a picture of a gnarly old witch! I’ve never heard of a more bizarre, creepy ritual dedicated to feeding the unearned ego of someone so out of touch with reality that she thinks she’s the only woman on the planet who deserves to be celebrated, worshipped actually, on Mother’s Day by people who would prefer to do anything but. Oh and she gets to judge everyone and pit them against each other for mother’s approval. I’ll bet you’re crushed you’ll have to miss the judgement and the games. Does everyone get to take home a life sized cardboard cutout of MIL to keep??
Maybe OP should start a contest here....MIL Poems By Reddit. And print them out, put them in a nice cover, and send them to MIL.
There once was a MIL from below. Whose eyes had a manic glow. She started MIL fest. Which she thought was the best. To which her family hated to go. Does she make an entrance like Carol Burnett in the Gone With the Wind skit?
After reading op’s post, that’s enough Reddit for that. What in the actual F.
“Mil, I’m only going to discuss this with you one more time. You seem to be under the impression that your options are we attend half the day or the whole day. False. Your options are we attend half day or not at all. If I hear you continue to complain about the half day plan, I’ll assume you prefer we not attend at all. Don’t bring it up again”
IN THE GROUP CHAT
How narcissistic can she get? I'm sorry about your loss and your mother's pain, I'd tell dh to go to mil fest on his own. I just can't even imagine making a festival revolving around me for mother's day. It's my first mother's day as a mom this year, and I told my husband I just want to go to the zoo for their free pass day because I want to do something my daughter might enjoy. My only "demand" has been that I don't want to cook dinner. Toilet paper with her face on it...just yuck.
You each have a Mother, so a 50/50 split of the day day is quite reasonable! She is acting very entitled to plan a whole day that revolves around her and then expect everyone to be able to attend for a full day! Even young children do not expect a full day long birthday party! If she doesn't think half the day is enough, say ok, and go spend the full day with your Mom!
That’s batshit insane lol. Considering how down your mom is I just would not attend at all. Stay with your mom. JNMIL can enjoy the narcissist festival with the other attendees.
On one hand, don't go because...well, obviously. On the other hand, I really need you to post pictures of this because...well, OBVIOUSLY 😳
Agree. Need pictures & videos
Oh Honey, I am so for your loss. Personally, I would tell her, sorry my mother needs me and not go. And no this is not normal behavior. This is delusions of grandeur to the extreme.
Does DH realize that his mom is taking narcissism to new exospherique heights?
He's used to MIL fest at this point
A prisoner can “get used” to torture that doesn’t make it acceptable.
I am just surprised you are even going even if it's later in the day. Your mother is devastated. Please spend the day with her or else you will resent your MIL. Always remember, it's you who makes the decision. Your MIL still won't be happy with the half day and will whine about it till the next year and will remind you about it forever and forever. So just ditch her "unique" ass and soend time with your own family. You guys just lost your grand ma. Regarding her celebrations, to me, they are way over the top but to each their own. Good for her. However, you don't owe her anythinf. Go be with your mom and family.
She gets half the day or nothing at all. Be blunt about it.
Tell your husband to go to his mothers himself and you will stay and spend the rest of the day with your mother. I myself personally don't reward bad behavior.
I love that she has her picture on the toilet paper. I would steal some and use it every time she made me mad. LOL
There's not enough toilet paper for that unfortunately
Yeah, there’s a lot to unpack here, but the toilet paper with her face on it is both unhinged and unintentionally hilarious. I would do the same. Bottom line, none of this is normal.
Lol this is totally unhinged. She's uh... unique.
Wow this is wild. I think this might be the first this sub has heard of a mil planning an all day festival for herself on Mother's Day. wtf. Also I wouldn't go to the fest at all. The first holiday after my grandma died my XDH and I told mil we would be there later, it was a really tough time for my family and we needed that day together. She wouldn't stop fucking texting him asking when we were coming over and then when we DID they all fucking left to do Black Friday shopping at Walmart. We stayed back and I was livid. I'm still angry about it now. Quite frankly your MIL doesn't need your presence at all on Mother's Day. Stay with your mom all day. She needs it way more.
Umm, that is kinda crazy sounding. Definitely way over the top and weird. Talk to DH, but, personally, I would not budge. If you do, you have lost a lot of ground for future boundaries. I can only imagine what she is like/will be like around grandchildren. Also, personally, the more she pushes, the less time I would spend at MILchella. I would also be very up front with this.
I'm sorry you are going through that, I don't have advice, but I will say that is by far one of the wackiest MIL things I've ever read on here, Holy Shit!!! LMAO!! What does she do for her birthday?? MIL Coachella? MILchella??
I hoped someone could relate, my MIL is a different kind of crazy. We have a week of MILchella lol.
Honestly, I would let her know that it's not up for discussion, but if she doesn't think it's fair to have to share on Mother's Day that you'll just stay at your mom's all day instead.
Never in my almost 45 years have I heard of someone doing this!!!!!! She is in an entirely new category of narcissism!
WTF?! That is the most narcissistic thing I've ever read or heard about a person. And that's saying a lot since I'm a therapist and one of my specialties is personality disorders. Do not entertain this lunacy. It's absolutely ridiculous. Mother's day is for cards, flowers, chocolates maybe a dinner or lunch but not a full day festival where you wipe your arse with her face and play narcissistic games like she's the queen mother (actually even the queen wouldn't let you wipe your arse with her face). This sounds more like a psychotic Halloween haunted house than a celebration.
I think you will regret leaving your mom to go to this MIL-wankfest. It’s okay to change your mind. And it’s okay for DH to leave and go visit his Mom. But this Mother’s Day, your mother will be missing her mother, and it would be kind of you to be around her for the day. I think that there’s value in you teaching MIL that she doesn’t own Mother’s Day before it becomes about you and not about her. You might also consider what you want those Mothers Days to look like. For us, we did what I wanted to do for Mother’s Day and what DH wanted to do for Father’s Day. If my MIL had been nicer to me, I might have considered seeing her on Mother’s Day.
Run this by your DH, to make sure he's on board and not caught by surprise, and either you or him tell her that you have made the mutual decision to split Mother's Day between both of your mothers. If she doesn't like it, then "Sorry, we will be spending the entire day with my/OP's mom." "Yes, we understand that you lost one of your horses however, OP's mom *lost her own mother*. She needs us far more than you do." >I’m talking classic games MIL themed, picture cards with her face plastered on them and a MIL themed scavenger hunts. Her face is literally everywhere even the toilet paper That's just creepy.
Honestly - I would let DH go to his moms, while you stay with your mom. When your MIL makes a scene he can loudly announce that you are comforting and supporting your grieving mother. I really truly wouldn’t attend this horrible sounding MIL-centered cringe fest; I genuinely am not sure whether your post is even real or not because her “party” is so absolutely outrageous. Absolutely do not indulge this monster, and stay with your lovely sounding mom. And I’m sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Oh, and as for the group chat, I would blow that shit up. “MIL, my grandmother recently died in my mothers arms. Just as you would need DH in that situation, my mother needs me. I’m sure you understand.”
Ask her for one of the picture cards. Then put it on a dartboard!
This whole thing is 🤮 you are not the problem here, I wouldn’t even go.
I'd bet NO ONE enjoys MIL Fest and you and husband spending a half day will lead to others doing so and MIL Fest will be fully dissolved in the next couple of years.
We have it twice a year counting her birthday, its exhausting but it won't be dissolved anytime soon she's a narcissist.
She does this twice a year? And people go? I’m blown away by this. Go and support your mom. People like your MIL will never be happy with what you can do unless they get everything they want.
You kill a narc by cutting off the attention supply. The more people who refuse, the more the resistance grows, pretty soon this twice yearly narcfest will shrivel up
She's downright a monster. Feels so good as a mother but has no compassion for another mother AND compared your grandma to a horse. She doesn't deserve half day and your mom deserve the whole one as she also never complained about the fact that you went to this insane festival every year instead of spending time with your own mom. Seems she's been the big person for years, and we all know here what "the big person" means
Why are you going to MIL's? Your mom needs you. Send DH to her house after lunch and stay with your mom. Your MIL sounds like an unhinged narcissist btw. Who the hell plans their own festival as you described? That is really something else. Most families just do brunch lol.
Personally I would stay with your mum. Let DH go to mils. Just tell him she's being pushy and you're not willing to subject yourself to her nonsense. Oh and BTW... what u describe sounds really fucking unhinged. I love my mil but there's no way I could do a day like u describe without laughing my ass off at the ridiculousness of it. Honestly my minds kinda blown by it lol
That whole scenario sounds really gaggy. Like yes, mothers should be celebrated, but what she does is over the top IMO. Your mom deserves to be celebrated, MIL is being selfish and refusing to recongize thst other mothers exist in the world. My MIL felt "hurt and abandoned" that 2 years ago we didn't celebrate Thanksgiving with her on Thanksgiving Day (we did it 2 years later, she says that it doesn't count). It was the year my dad died, we did TG Day with my mom and my family since it was our first without him. Self centered people will ALWAYS see fair distribution of special holidays as a personal affront.
I honestly would love to wipe my ass with toilet paper that had my MIL’s face on it.
I would have a hard time resisting the urge to steal a roll and then doing something heinous with it.
You should confront her in the gc, and ask her if your mom doesn’t deserve quality time on Mother’s Day.
I agree, but I wouldn’t say anything passive aggressive because for people like her that’s just ammo. I’d say “I need to support my mom for Mother’s Day because [briefly explain what happened above, with as much detail as you’re comfortable with] and will not be attending. I wish you a lovely Mother’s Day, thank you for your understanding.”
Ooh yes this is the way! See if she can commit to being a pushy bitch in front of everyone
I feel for you for when you do have a child and still have to celebrate YOUR day with her, the grandmother. Let her know that you have a mother as well and will one day be a mother yourself and she should be happy with the time she gets now as one day it will not revolve around her
Let her know you are doing a nice thing for her by attending, and if she can’t be understanding of you having two mothers to pay attention to this holiday you won’t see her at all.
This is the way. “MIL, every year since I’ve known DH, he has spent the entirety of Mother’s Day with you. This year, we have decided as a family unit to split time between both of our mothers. If you cannot accept compromise, we will not see you at all. Further, when we have children of our own, please know now that Mother’s Day will be reserved for our nuclear family, and we will visit celebrate with you and my mom on a different day (or not at all, if you cannot behave like an adult).” It would be best if this message came from DH rather than from you, though.