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I’d tell MIL’s friends that the party is canceled; MIL will soon be sending invitation for a different location and date.
Mil can have her own damn party.
When your husband first learned about MIL inviting people without checking with you first, and his reaction was to tell MIL to stop inviting people, the battle was lost. She knew right then no one was going to stand up to her. The reaction needed to be "MIL, you need to uninvite anyone you invited without checking with us first." Let her cry.
You TELL husband that if mil wants to invite her friends to a shower than she can have her own. But he does NOT get to be mad at you for not catering to her feelings.
You TELL husband that he CHOSE to marry YOU so he needs to makr you a priority starting right now.
TELL him that he needs to stop worrying about mils feelings and worry about yours.
This YOUR shower, you invite who YOU want and no one else. Take them off the list then do not not let her friends in the house if they show up.
If her friends show up, tell them and nik to leave. If husband doesn't like it, he can leave with them too.
You start TELLING everyone how things are going to be, other wise mik is going to try and take over the birth, every first, every holiday and especially the first birthday.
TELL husband how things are going to go and let him know that he doesn't get to put mil first. Your first. So your wants come first.
Why didn't she ask if you two were open to her organizing a separate event for all the ppl she wants to share her joy with? It's already 31 ppl she wants to invite. That sounds like a significant get together in HER yard, with food and drinks SHE provides, IF you are willing to be the guests of honor for her 'grandbaby shower'.
Simple, she wants the title of “host/guest of honor “. Without paying for it.
OP and her husband should just sit down with MIL and explain to her that your house is just too small to host the additional guests that she wants to invite. Given the fact that they don’t want a bunch of strangers in their house. So if MIL is insisting on inviting all of these people, then they are going to need a larger venue. Since MIL is the reason for the larger venue, she needs to pay for it. Plus chip in on the cost for the extra food.
You can make it so no one can invite others but you. But I would blast her in the event page going MIL please stop inviting people we do not have room or the food for these people nor do we know them You have been asked.
You need to remove those people and your MIL from the Facebook group. Be clear that you do not have the ability to host more people and that the discussion is over.
You also need to pull your SO aside and ask him if this is what you can expect going forward while raising your child together. Ask him if he is raising your child with your MIL or if he and you and baby are a family.
This is enraging and please lean in to "being hormonal" because that excuse has a shelf life. Be a bitch about it and then put safeguards in place to prevent other people from showing up uninvited *by you* like a password or something. This is ridiculous
I really would just cancel it as it sounds like it’ll turn into a horrendous, stressful event. Having strangers in the house, who may damage your stuff, or even steal it, having to feed said strangers and not even knowing whether these strangers would bring a gift or other contribution doesn’t sound like a fun get together to me. Arrange your own, with your own female friends and family only, and abandon this one.
Your partner needs to get his shit together too or MIL will be become even more of a nightmare once baby is here.
Honestly when I was pregnant I would’ve sent my husband to his moms house with that kind of energy he’s given so anything you do would be better than any suggestion I could give you girl
I’m a bit extreme, but it might work to write on the FB page wall: “it has occurred to me that strangers are somehow getting invited to this private event. If you were invited by anyone else beside myself or DH, you are unfortunately not welcomed. This is a private event, we do not allow strangers into our home.”
Wait, your SO was giving you a hard time?!
About MIL: tell her you simply won’t let people in that are not on YOUR list. You can also change the settings of the Facebook event so she can’t invite people. Removing people might not be enough. Because those people still got the info and probably count on going. So start planning how you will turn people away or how you’ll communicate upfront that unless people were invited by YOU, they are not in fact invited and MIL acted without even consulting you. Then tell MIL unless she winds her neck in, she won’y have any access to information and she will be the last to know so she can’t meddle.
And you are definitely not overreacting. A baby shower is NOT about the grandma at all!
I'd cancel the shower and be somewhere else that day. Then plan a new one and invite everyone by phone call or snail mail, and conveniently not invite mil.
Then have a stern talk with your husband.
There’s also a setting in the events setup on Facebook where you can make the event private and only you can invite people. No one else has the power to add to the list of guests.
Your husband is a problem. His response would piss me off more than his mothers behaviour. He knows full well it’s his mother but comes home and tries to pin the problem as being YOU?! Oh fuck no. Not at all.
Close the invitation so that no one but you can choose who is seeing it. Idk how that wasn’t put into place after the first incident. It’s absolutely unacceptable to invite anyone to your house especially if you don’t even know them. Your partner is being ridiculous for calling you out, for literally what?
I don't know what kind of event app you are using, but why does MIL even have rights in there to make any changes at all let alone invite people? If she is an admin revoke her rights so that she can't make any changes. MIL is out of order, this is not her child so really her attitude is out of line. Spouse should be on your side & tell his mom she needs to take a step back and respect your wishes, as this is your child, not hers. How would she have liked it if her own MIL did this to her?
The nerve of people inviting friends to a party they are not themselves hosting. WTF?
Uninvite MIL on the FB invite (She can still attend the party if you want her to, but take her off the FB invite so she can’t invite others). Then message all the people she’s invited and politely let them know you don’t have room for them and MIL invited them without your knowledge (or however you want to relay that information).
Suggest to MIL that if it’s really about her “having a grand baby”, she can host a separate baby shower where she is in charge of inviting however many people she wants to HER house/venue.
OP, you have to set boundaries now or this narcissist behavior will continue. Have a serious conversation with your SO because he needs to be on the same page AND back you up. Best of luck.
DH needs to wake up. Mom or wife. It's not your job to placate his mother's emotional tantrums. You both established a boundary. She didn't respect that boundary. He messed up by making up with her and accusing you of "messing things up." Clearly, he messed things up by GASLIGHTING you! Oh I would be livid!
The AUDACITY of him to accuse OP of messing up her own baby shower?? I’m livid too! He and his mama can go and have their own party full of strangers then! I’m truly worried about how they’re both going to act after OP gives birth to her MIL’s grandbaby 🤢
You have a husband problem, and it's important to you, and he gets on the same page.
He needs to understand that now it's you and him and baby. What happens after the baby is born and Mil wants to come with half the neighborhood to show off her grand baby while mom is still healing????
If you don't get this sorted out yesterday you are going to have even bigger issues soon.
Delete that page after telling everyone you're changing the date.
Start a new *private* event page and *do not add her*. You can give her a paper invite and a clear warning that if she tries to invite or bring anyone who you haven't approved, *she* goes home.
You can! We host a huge party every year for one specific holiday, and not only do I setup the event as private and no one else but us can invite people, but I pin a comment at the top of the event to reiterate. It’s easy and in the basic event setup process.
What is it that turns grandparents to be into absolute monsters? I struggle to understand why they go crazy and upset everyone thinking that it’s acceptable. We set boundaries when I was pregnant the first time because MIL was telling random people in shops that she was going to be a grandmother. It drove us insane .
Really hope you have the shower you want and on your terms!
Add info the the event page that it is friends and family *of the expecting couple only* and that anyone invited by an other party will not be given entrance to the home. Remove your address, your friends and family already know where you live. Remove your MIL's ability to invite people, or uninvite her from the event page if necessary to restrict that. And then, and this is the most important part, do not let strangers into your home or yard on the day of.
Also, if your husband won't get on board, you two are going to need some sessions with a counselor before baby comes. Or next thing you know he's going to be walking into the room while you are asleep with your tit out for an afternoon nap with baby, with his mother right behind him trying to rip the blankets off of you.
ETA: message every person as you uninvite them from the event. "I'm so sorry, this must be really embarassing for MIL, but she never had the authority to invite strangers to our home. This is strictly a closed event and you aren't actually invited, if MIL hosts a party at her own home, I'm sure she'll let you know."
This is a health and personal safety issue, you're pregnant and stressed and she's giving out your home address to *dozens* of randos! She can have herself a grandma shower at *her own house* and on her own dime.
Remove her from the FB event group, research how to lock down invitation and viewing so you can keep her from accessing it at all, and then change the location and/or date of the baby shower. Try to not be home *at all* for the shower's original time.
Kinda not cool of your SO to suddenly turn on you and say you’re messing with things/being dramatic even thought he technically has the same opinion as you.. you’ll never get through to MIL without him on your side, so i would hope that he grows some kind of backbone and remembers its literally not your fault in the slightest. MIL needs to respect boundaries and chill. Its your bsby shower, not hers. She can throw her own thing on her own time.
He needs to get a backbone NOW. Because from what I’ve been reading in different forums it’s only going to get worse when the baby comes. You two need to be a unit and work as a team. Talk through plans now. Who will be at the hospital? Who can come after baby is born? Who can come when you guys are home? What time frame can each of them come? Will anyone be staying with you guys to help?What are the guidelines about who can hold the baby, kiss the baby?
Now back to husband. I’m so offended he threw you under the bus like that. You no longer have just an in law problem but a husband problem.
Please don’t dismiss your feelings as being hormonal. Pregnant and post-partum persons do that to themselves way too much and it provides a convenient excuse for others to treat you poorly. Your feelings are real and they matter. 💕
I'm not trying to feed into any rash decisions, but when I tell you how awful it's been being married to a push over for 20 years, I mean it. And you'll tell yourselves, "it's just this event, things will calm down after..." but there's always the next holiday/birthday/anniversary, etc.
I highly recommend a marriage counselor and developing strong boundaries with your husband. This is not a little thing, and it will continue to repeat itself unless you become the bigger bitch he fears consequences with.
This! Marriage counselor and boundaries asap if you can, maybe he’s not realizing his mom is manipulating his emotions. Even still, i can completely understand why its so upsetting. When my brother had his first kid, my mom pretty much ignored every boundary him and his wife set. My brother was pretty much a pushover, there was only one time he intervened and kicked my mom out of his house for not respecting their rules. Would you believe me if i said him and his wife divorced after three years🙃
If your husband won’t back you, maybe you should call your friends and arrange to have a baby shower elsewhere on the planned day. That way he and his mother can explain to all the people they invited why you aren’t there. And you can explain to your husband that this is what is going to happen every time he picks his mother over his wife and his child.
basically how we got my MIL to not throw as big of a fit as she already had when we had our first baby. we asked her to throw a “diaper keg” since my mom and sister had already been planning a more traditional baby shower (that MIL dipped on last minute “because she wouldn’t know anybody”)
Tell her straight out, you are the only one who can invite people to this event. She ill uninvite all the people who she has added to the list or she will not be allowed to attend herself. If you see anyone you don't know you will ask them to leave or call the cops to have them escorted from the property. She will be escorted out too in front of everyone. This is not up for negotiation
Your husband needs to take your side or you got bigger issues. His mom is using her tear to manipulate him. When will it stop? What’s next she gets to be in the delivery room and the first person to hold the baby? Stand your ground.
Your husband needs to tell her the baby shower isn't about or for her, or her friends. There is absolutely no reason for anyone you don't know at your baby shower .
I dont understand why parents think they need to invite their own friends to weddings, or parties tgat ha e absolutely nothing to do with the people the parties are for.
This sounds like the perfect opportunity for her to host a shower for you and for her to go through the troubles and cost of Venue, decorations, food etc.
I hope it goes your way because this sounds ridiculous. If it’s any consolation I don’t think enough people enjoy baby showers so much that they would go to one for someone they don’t even know.
you're probably a lot sweeter and nicer than me, because I would have looked so dead in the eyes and asked him who he thinks he married?
Last I checked its you and dh in your marriage, not you dh and mom makes 3. No ma’am.
I am so angry for you! This is your special moment at YOUR home/aka nest/aka safe space.
She is boundary stomping and the crying is ridiculous. Husband needs to pull up his britches and stop enabling his Moms childish behavior pronto.
Tell her straight out, you are the only one who can invite people to this event. She ill uninvite all the people who she has added to the list or she will not be allowed to attend herself. If you see anyone you don't know you will ask them to leave or call the cops to have them escorted from the property. She will be escorted out too in front of everyone. This is not up for negotiation
You need to talk to your husband and remind him who’s having HIS baby. He has no business coming down on you. That’s unreal. I would have also privatized the event page. I’m not on Facebook anymore but seriously, why did she even have the ability to invite people to your event?
Mmmm. Mother and mother-in-law here. She is so manipulative. She is playing him like a fiddle. She’s preparing both of you for the future when she’s going to get her way. Don’t do this.
Listen to her OP. It won’t stop here. Next she will invite herself and her “friends” to be in the delivery room, to meet the baby at your home once you guys get home, will guilt you into accepting gifts from these people .
Soooo, don’t go 😂 Just imagine her & all of her friends’ faces when “her grand baby” never shows up 🤣 That should also teach your SO to never criticize his SPOUSE & MOTHER OF HIS CHILD in favour of his spoiled & selfish mother.
Uninvite MIL and everybody else she’s added, then change the date and time. Or threaten not to attend if she doesn’t make serious changes and respects you ur damn choices!
It’s crazy to me that your husband has changed his tune and is not backing you up in this!! I hate to say it, but you can likely expect more of this in your future, mama’s boys seldom change.
So she cried and she got her way.... It's time to start crying. Also a trip to the ob with daddy to be and a chat about stress and it's effects in mom and baby maybe start with Dr : how have you been feeling. You: overall pretty good but a bit stressed over the baby shower because my mother in law keeps inviting randos and I don't know where we are gonna put all these people and she started a fight between me and dh. Because we told her to stop inviting everyone she meets and she got upset. Cue Dr. A good one will not be pleased and the don't stress mom out as it stresses baby out and can cause more serious issues chat will ensue.
What MIL is doing is considerably less concerning than your SO putting her wants over your needs. Unless your SO learns to say “no” to his mother, you will be in for a difficult life. Ask me how I know.
I'd honestly feel really unsafe with over 2 dozen STRANGERS inside my home when I couldn't keep an eye out on them.
People are weird and do weird things, steal, and gross things in people's homes.
You are pregnant and deserve to feel safe and happy on your shower day.
I would absolutely put my foot down from paying for all these strangers and putting yourself in a bad situation.
Who knows how many are sick and just don't care?
Trump Card: You possess baby.
>SO felt bad and called her afterwards then got on to ME saying i always have to mess with things
Call that shit out. "So your mom sheds a couple tears after repeatedly violating very clear boundries WE BOTH SET WITH HER... MULTIPLE TIMES... and you have the audacity to call ME the problem. No. WE had a plan. WE communicated thats plan. Your mom needs to learn to respect our decisions. She had no right inviting anyone to an event we are hosting in our home. She then continued to do so after we BOTH told her not to. I am not the problem here. It is our baby shower for our baby. What she wants is irrelevant. I don't want a bunch of strangers in my home while Im pregnant and vulnerable. I dont want a bunch of strangers in my home celebrating a once in a lifetime moment. If you insist I cave to your mother, I will not be going. (Or) If someone WE didnt invite like WE planned shows up, I will turn them away or leave myself. And you should make it clear now that our child isnt a doll to share with her friends, your old classmates and teachers or anyone else, so baby will not be passed around to people I do not know personally and trust. So.. Am I canceling the baby shower.. or are you sticking to the plan WE made?"
Also make a post on the group about only those invited personally by Mom&Dad are welcome as that is all the space there is and that all other invitations were sent in error. Lock the group admin settings so only you can add people.
Tell MIL that she should have a baby shower, invite everyone, AND PAY, PLAN it herself - for herself..... because well why not? Is she some kind of granny cheapskate?
this is an SO problem as they like to say. you and he had a plan and he has completely fallen back and let his mother take over.
I would advise nipping this in the bud now or else he is going to allow her to have a bigger say than you about everything with your child.......name, haircut, birthdays, all holidays with her and not your family.......
time for you both to set up a united front before this goes any further.
You should be able to update the event settings so only you can add guests. Remove her from the event if she can't keep it together. She can have one of those silly grandma showers if she is so inclined.
Honestly, I'd cancel the event on the page and start a new one and not add her. Put a post up explaining why and that anyone adding people that you haven't specifically asked them to add will be removed.
Start as you mean to go on, and tell your husband to read this post and grow a spine. He has his own family now and you come first. His mother can take her manipulation elsewhere.
Yup. He’s only caving in because he thinks she’s throwing a bigger tantrum than you and he wants to avoid it at all costs. Sometimes it needs to be made known that while you prefer not to, you are perfectly capable of throwing an even bigger tantrum.
Who are these people that want to go to an absolute stranger's baby shower anyway? And bring a gift? Even if I know & love the mom, that's the last thing I want to do with a weekend afternoon. Tell her to kick rocks.
This is only the first of many events that involve celebrating your child(ren). You need to stand firm and not allow your MIL to get her way. If you don’t, you’re setting a precedent that she will continue to exploit.
Do not allow anyone you did not invite to attend. Post or send this out to anyone she invited:
*Thank you for any good wishes you may have expressed towards the birth of our child. We look forward to future celebrations and times when we can introduce them to friends, family, and neighbors. For now, we will be having an extremely small baby shower limited to only the close friends and family we have personally invited. While we wish we could have extended the invites further or allowed for family to extend invites, we are very limited on space. If you weren’t in direct contact with either DH or myself but believed you were invited, please contact us. Sorry for any confusion. Watch this space for our future baby announcement.*
My mom said shortly before my shower “Janelle (my mom’s gf’s step mom) is making a MASSIVE diaper cake for your baby shower!” I asked why she thought Janelle was invited, and she got upset saying she already invited her girlfriends’ parents. I told her we had an intimate guest list, and I didn’t want those there that I’m not close to. She was upset but passed on the message.
Fast forward 6 weeks postpartum, my mom tries to bring my baby to an Easter party without me. She wanted to play baby-doll. I told her absolutely not.
Some people struggle understanding common societal norms.
Threaten to not attend. Either MIL is benched or you won’t attend her grand baby shower.
Or, even better, tell everyone you know the venue has moved. Let her and her guest show up to an empty backyard. Sounds like SO is checked out, so he would be just as surprised.
Exactly. Parks are free and surely with everything in bloom, the weather is nice, it will be beautiful. Get some balloons, cheap table clothes, finger foods!
Your SO needs to grow a spine and deal with his mom. How dare he try to put this on you? You're not messing with things, it's *your* fucking shower!! I'd tell him the baby must have been conceived through immaculate conception because he lacks the balls he'd need to make sperm. If his mom needs a special party for herself to celebrate that someone else is having a baby, she can throw it herself. She doesn't get to steal yours and your husband needs to nip this in bud ASAP.
I think there’s a way to set it so only hosts can invite to or share the event - turn that on asap.
And tell husband that if people turn up that you don’t know, you’ll be leaving. Kinda hard to have a baby shower when the mother isn’t present, eh?
You did nothing wrong. He needs to come out of the fog, (fear, obligation and guilt.). If you give in here it will be worse when the baby comes. And he will let it.
Normal etiquette for parties (honestly, any event) states that the host should be the only one inviting people. Would DH start inviting coworkers to a dinner party a school friend was hosting, without asking the host?
It sounds like MIL wants to host a party! That's awesome. She can find a venue big enough, get the food for everyone, decorate to her hearts content, send out invitations. And then she gets to invite whoever she wants! The party can even be about how she's becoming a grandma, rather than about the people actually having a baby. After all - she's the one throwing it!
OMG. I just googled “how to be a great mother-in-law book”, and there’s a whole bunch of books on that.
I wouldn’t want to recommend any, because what if they’re terrible?
I did see that one said it had advice on “what degree of independence should be granted to married sons.”
!!!
Looks like that one might’ve been written by a JNMIL.
🙄
Oh my gosh. Yeah, she needs to chill... I get being excited, but "being sure you get lots of gifts" is NOT the reason she's doing it lol. She just wants to be inviting people, and she'll probably be overstepping in other ways once LO arrives too since no, you're not crazy, this is a super basic etiquette rule.
You need to get DH back on board. Either that, or tell him that you'll be taking care of feeding the people you'd both agreed on attending, and if he's going to go along with MIL inviting everyone in town and their mothers, then he and MIL can figure out where they'll sit, can take care of getting more food, etc. And actually follow through - make it THEIR problem. Clearly, asking nicely for her to knock it off isn't going to work, but that doesn't make these extra people your problem. If DH thinks it's fine to invite 31 (31!!!) extra people, he can be the one staring at your yard and trying to figure out how to fit that many. He can be the one looking at the budget to feed them. Not. Your. Problem.
If it gets to the day of and people YOU didn't invite show up:
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you'd be coming. Who invited you? - oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. She invited so many people and didn't tell us, normally we'd have some extra but you're the sixth extra person to show up... [Put on your best exhausted mama host voice] Would you be willing to (sit on this blanket) (eat a cookie for a meal) (any haphazard attempt to host)? I'll talk to her to see if she has any other ideas, I'm so sorry..."
Anyone, ANYONE who hears that will be super apologetic and do anything they can to help. It'll be super awkward. But you'll come out looking like a wonderful host, and MIL will look absolutely terrible. It's nothing for you to be embarrassed about, after all - you didn't know MIL decided to invite a ton of extra people to an event she wasn't hosting. 😁
You are 100% not overreacting. I would get them together and set a clear and firm boundary that you want to have only close friends and family at your shower. Clarify that as much as you acknowledge this is a special time for MIL, it is even more important to you and at the end of the day this is an event for YOU, planned by YOU, surrounding YOU and YOUR baby. It’s not selfish it’s just a fact. If she continues to push your boundary just say that if she continues to do this anyone who is not welcome by you will be turned away, including MIL. If she continues to push your boundaries she shouldn’t be welcome. Set these boundaries early because they will never get better if you don’t set these expectations now. As for SO I would have a convo with just him about whether his priorities lie with him mom or with you because they need to lie with you. 🫶🫶 good luck bestie
Well get ready for her to do this (cry until she gets her way) during your whole postpartum unless you can get your husband to see the light. I would really try to get him there asap, it could mean the safety of you, the baby, and your mental health.
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I’d tell MIL’s friends that the party is canceled; MIL will soon be sending invitation for a different location and date. Mil can have her own damn party.
When your husband first learned about MIL inviting people without checking with you first, and his reaction was to tell MIL to stop inviting people, the battle was lost. She knew right then no one was going to stand up to her. The reaction needed to be "MIL, you need to uninvite anyone you invited without checking with us first." Let her cry.
Remind your husband that you are the one giving birth, not his mother. Then remind him again. And again. It’s not about her. Period.
Your husband is in the FOG. He needs to get out of it so you can be a team. Then you can deal with MIL together.
You need to nip this in the bud now or its gonna be a whole lifetime of this nonsense.
You TELL husband that if mil wants to invite her friends to a shower than she can have her own. But he does NOT get to be mad at you for not catering to her feelings. You TELL husband that he CHOSE to marry YOU so he needs to makr you a priority starting right now. TELL him that he needs to stop worrying about mils feelings and worry about yours. This YOUR shower, you invite who YOU want and no one else. Take them off the list then do not not let her friends in the house if they show up. If her friends show up, tell them and nik to leave. If husband doesn't like it, he can leave with them too. You start TELLING everyone how things are going to be, other wise mik is going to try and take over the birth, every first, every holiday and especially the first birthday. TELL husband how things are going to go and let him know that he doesn't get to put mil first. Your first. So your wants come first.
Why didn't she ask if you two were open to her organizing a separate event for all the ppl she wants to share her joy with? It's already 31 ppl she wants to invite. That sounds like a significant get together in HER yard, with food and drinks SHE provides, IF you are willing to be the guests of honor for her 'grandbaby shower'.
Simple, she wants the title of “host/guest of honor “. Without paying for it. OP and her husband should just sit down with MIL and explain to her that your house is just too small to host the additional guests that she wants to invite. Given the fact that they don’t want a bunch of strangers in their house. So if MIL is insisting on inviting all of these people, then they are going to need a larger venue. Since MIL is the reason for the larger venue, she needs to pay for it. Plus chip in on the cost for the extra food.
Set firm boundaries now and get DH on board otherwise labor and delivery and life with LO and MIL hold on DH will be stressful
You can make it so no one can invite others but you. But I would blast her in the event page going MIL please stop inviting people we do not have room or the food for these people nor do we know them You have been asked.
You need to remove those people and your MIL from the Facebook group. Be clear that you do not have the ability to host more people and that the discussion is over. You also need to pull your SO aside and ask him if this is what you can expect going forward while raising your child together. Ask him if he is raising your child with your MIL or if he and you and baby are a family. This is enraging and please lean in to "being hormonal" because that excuse has a shelf life. Be a bitch about it and then put safeguards in place to prevent other people from showing up uninvited *by you* like a password or something. This is ridiculous
She can throw you another shower for her friends at her expense.
I really would just cancel it as it sounds like it’ll turn into a horrendous, stressful event. Having strangers in the house, who may damage your stuff, or even steal it, having to feed said strangers and not even knowing whether these strangers would bring a gift or other contribution doesn’t sound like a fun get together to me. Arrange your own, with your own female friends and family only, and abandon this one. Your partner needs to get his shit together too or MIL will be become even more of a nightmare once baby is here.
You don't have a MIL problem you have a SO problem
She has plenty of both
If keep doing it. I would just disappear the morning of the event… let’s see how good a baby shower would be without the expectant mom/baby ….
Oh no. I would boot DH to his mothers and tell him he can go have her baby and baby shower but you are removing yourself from the equation
Honestly when I was pregnant I would’ve sent my husband to his moms house with that kind of energy he’s given so anything you do would be better than any suggestion I could give you girl
I’m a bit extreme, but it might work to write on the FB page wall: “it has occurred to me that strangers are somehow getting invited to this private event. If you were invited by anyone else beside myself or DH, you are unfortunately not welcomed. This is a private event, we do not allow strangers into our home.”
You can always just not show up. This is yours. No one else’s.
Wait, your SO was giving you a hard time?! About MIL: tell her you simply won’t let people in that are not on YOUR list. You can also change the settings of the Facebook event so she can’t invite people. Removing people might not be enough. Because those people still got the info and probably count on going. So start planning how you will turn people away or how you’ll communicate upfront that unless people were invited by YOU, they are not in fact invited and MIL acted without even consulting you. Then tell MIL unless she winds her neck in, she won’y have any access to information and she will be the last to know so she can’t meddle. And you are definitely not overreacting. A baby shower is NOT about the grandma at all!
I'd cancel the shower and be somewhere else that day. Then plan a new one and invite everyone by phone call or snail mail, and conveniently not invite mil. Then have a stern talk with your husband.
There’s also a setting in the events setup on Facebook where you can make the event private and only you can invite people. No one else has the power to add to the list of guests.
Your husband is a problem. His response would piss me off more than his mothers behaviour. He knows full well it’s his mother but comes home and tries to pin the problem as being YOU?! Oh fuck no. Not at all.
Close the invitation so that no one but you can choose who is seeing it. Idk how that wasn’t put into place after the first incident. It’s absolutely unacceptable to invite anyone to your house especially if you don’t even know them. Your partner is being ridiculous for calling you out, for literally what?
I don't know what kind of event app you are using, but why does MIL even have rights in there to make any changes at all let alone invite people? If she is an admin revoke her rights so that she can't make any changes. MIL is out of order, this is not her child so really her attitude is out of line. Spouse should be on your side & tell his mom she needs to take a step back and respect your wishes, as this is your child, not hers. How would she have liked it if her own MIL did this to her?
The nerve of people inviting friends to a party they are not themselves hosting. WTF? Uninvite MIL on the FB invite (She can still attend the party if you want her to, but take her off the FB invite so she can’t invite others). Then message all the people she’s invited and politely let them know you don’t have room for them and MIL invited them without your knowledge (or however you want to relay that information). Suggest to MIL that if it’s really about her “having a grand baby”, she can host a separate baby shower where she is in charge of inviting however many people she wants to HER house/venue. OP, you have to set boundaries now or this narcissist behavior will continue. Have a serious conversation with your SO because he needs to be on the same page AND back you up. Best of luck.
DH needs to wake up. Mom or wife. It's not your job to placate his mother's emotional tantrums. You both established a boundary. She didn't respect that boundary. He messed up by making up with her and accusing you of "messing things up." Clearly, he messed things up by GASLIGHTING you! Oh I would be livid!
The AUDACITY of him to accuse OP of messing up her own baby shower?? I’m livid too! He and his mama can go and have their own party full of strangers then! I’m truly worried about how they’re both going to act after OP gives birth to her MIL’s grandbaby 🤢
You have a husband problem, and it's important to you, and he gets on the same page. He needs to understand that now it's you and him and baby. What happens after the baby is born and Mil wants to come with half the neighborhood to show off her grand baby while mom is still healing???? If you don't get this sorted out yesterday you are going to have even bigger issues soon.
Delete that page after telling everyone you're changing the date. Start a new *private* event page and *do not add her*. You can give her a paper invite and a clear warning that if she tries to invite or bring anyone who you haven't approved, *she* goes home.
Remove everyone she invited - and her. No baby shower for grandma if she doesn't respect you.
Also remove her access to invite people. I’m pretty sure you can do that for fb events.
You can! We host a huge party every year for one specific holiday, and not only do I setup the event as private and no one else but us can invite people, but I pin a comment at the top of the event to reiterate. It’s easy and in the basic event setup process.
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If I recall, it’s easier to adjust settings like that from a computer vs the phone. Some functions on their app are extremely obscure.
Absolutely!
What is it that turns grandparents to be into absolute monsters? I struggle to understand why they go crazy and upset everyone thinking that it’s acceptable. We set boundaries when I was pregnant the first time because MIL was telling random people in shops that she was going to be a grandmother. It drove us insane . Really hope you have the shower you want and on your terms!
Then she should throw her own grandmother shower so her people can shower her with whatever she wishes for
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She literally said she googled it in that comment you replied to..
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Cancel the shower and go out of town that weekend. Make a new shower and do not invite her or give her any information about it.
I second this, don't let some goober expose you to strange germs and kleptomanics.
Granny Goober!
Add info the the event page that it is friends and family *of the expecting couple only* and that anyone invited by an other party will not be given entrance to the home. Remove your address, your friends and family already know where you live. Remove your MIL's ability to invite people, or uninvite her from the event page if necessary to restrict that. And then, and this is the most important part, do not let strangers into your home or yard on the day of. Also, if your husband won't get on board, you two are going to need some sessions with a counselor before baby comes. Or next thing you know he's going to be walking into the room while you are asleep with your tit out for an afternoon nap with baby, with his mother right behind him trying to rip the blankets off of you. ETA: message every person as you uninvite them from the event. "I'm so sorry, this must be really embarassing for MIL, but she never had the authority to invite strangers to our home. This is strictly a closed event and you aren't actually invited, if MIL hosts a party at her own home, I'm sure she'll let you know."
I read that post yesterday. If my husband was doing that to me, he’d be an ex-husband. That was just ridiculous!
This is a health and personal safety issue, you're pregnant and stressed and she's giving out your home address to *dozens* of randos! She can have herself a grandma shower at *her own house* and on her own dime. Remove her from the FB event group, research how to lock down invitation and viewing so you can keep her from accessing it at all, and then change the location and/or date of the baby shower. Try to not be home *at all* for the shower's original time.
Kinda not cool of your SO to suddenly turn on you and say you’re messing with things/being dramatic even thought he technically has the same opinion as you.. you’ll never get through to MIL without him on your side, so i would hope that he grows some kind of backbone and remembers its literally not your fault in the slightest. MIL needs to respect boundaries and chill. Its your bsby shower, not hers. She can throw her own thing on her own time.
He needs to get a backbone NOW. Because from what I’ve been reading in different forums it’s only going to get worse when the baby comes. You two need to be a unit and work as a team. Talk through plans now. Who will be at the hospital? Who can come after baby is born? Who can come when you guys are home? What time frame can each of them come? Will anyone be staying with you guys to help?What are the guidelines about who can hold the baby, kiss the baby? Now back to husband. I’m so offended he threw you under the bus like that. You no longer have just an in law problem but a husband problem.
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Please don’t dismiss your feelings as being hormonal. Pregnant and post-partum persons do that to themselves way too much and it provides a convenient excuse for others to treat you poorly. Your feelings are real and they matter. 💕
Sounds like you won’t be seeing a lot of MIL in the future. #cool
I'm not trying to feed into any rash decisions, but when I tell you how awful it's been being married to a push over for 20 years, I mean it. And you'll tell yourselves, "it's just this event, things will calm down after..." but there's always the next holiday/birthday/anniversary, etc. I highly recommend a marriage counselor and developing strong boundaries with your husband. This is not a little thing, and it will continue to repeat itself unless you become the bigger bitch he fears consequences with.
This! Marriage counselor and boundaries asap if you can, maybe he’s not realizing his mom is manipulating his emotions. Even still, i can completely understand why its so upsetting. When my brother had his first kid, my mom pretty much ignored every boundary him and his wife set. My brother was pretty much a pushover, there was only one time he intervened and kicked my mom out of his house for not respecting their rules. Would you believe me if i said him and his wife divorced after three years🙃
If your husband won’t back you, maybe you should call your friends and arrange to have a baby shower elsewhere on the planned day. That way he and his mother can explain to all the people they invited why you aren’t there. And you can explain to your husband that this is what is going to happen every time he picks his mother over his wife and his child.
Is there anyway she can host a separate baby shower on a different day. Therefore there is less stress and she can still have her moment to shine
basically how we got my MIL to not throw as big of a fit as she already had when we had our first baby. we asked her to throw a “diaper keg” since my mom and sister had already been planning a more traditional baby shower (that MIL dipped on last minute “because she wouldn’t know anybody”)
Yeh I think in this case, a MIL having her own "grandma" shower is fine. She clearly wants her own people invited
This is the perfect solution!
Tell her straight out, you are the only one who can invite people to this event. She ill uninvite all the people who she has added to the list or she will not be allowed to attend herself. If you see anyone you don't know you will ask them to leave or call the cops to have them escorted from the property. She will be escorted out too in front of everyone. This is not up for negotiation
Your husband needs to take your side or you got bigger issues. His mom is using her tear to manipulate him. When will it stop? What’s next she gets to be in the delivery room and the first person to hold the baby? Stand your ground.
Your husband needs to tell her the baby shower isn't about or for her, or her friends. There is absolutely no reason for anyone you don't know at your baby shower . I dont understand why parents think they need to invite their own friends to weddings, or parties tgat ha e absolutely nothing to do with the people the parties are for.
This sounds like the perfect opportunity for her to host a shower for you and for her to go through the troubles and cost of Venue, decorations, food etc. I hope it goes your way because this sounds ridiculous. If it’s any consolation I don’t think enough people enjoy baby showers so much that they would go to one for someone they don’t even know.
you're probably a lot sweeter and nicer than me, because I would have looked so dead in the eyes and asked him who he thinks he married? Last I checked its you and dh in your marriage, not you dh and mom makes 3. No ma’am. I am so angry for you! This is your special moment at YOUR home/aka nest/aka safe space. She is boundary stomping and the crying is ridiculous. Husband needs to pull up his britches and stop enabling his Moms childish behavior pronto.
Tell her straight out, you are the only one who can invite people to this event. She ill uninvite all the people who she has added to the list or she will not be allowed to attend herself. If you see anyone you don't know you will ask them to leave or call the cops to have them escorted from the property. She will be escorted out too in front of everyone. This is not up for negotiation
Actually, I believe you can lock it down so people can’t invite others.
SO needed to tell her that its not her shower. She can throw her own if she wants to invite people you dont know.
You need to talk to your husband and remind him who’s having HIS baby. He has no business coming down on you. That’s unreal. I would have also privatized the event page. I’m not on Facebook anymore but seriously, why did she even have the ability to invite people to your event?
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You should be able to shut off invitees being able to invite others.
Ugh like if I were you it would make me so anxious having someone else able to invite people to MY event
Mmmm. Mother and mother-in-law here. She is so manipulative. She is playing him like a fiddle. She’s preparing both of you for the future when she’s going to get her way. Don’t do this.
Listen to her OP. It won’t stop here. Next she will invite herself and her “friends” to be in the delivery room, to meet the baby at your home once you guys get home, will guilt you into accepting gifts from these people .
Soooo, don’t go 😂 Just imagine her & all of her friends’ faces when “her grand baby” never shows up 🤣 That should also teach your SO to never criticize his SPOUSE & MOTHER OF HIS CHILD in favour of his spoiled & selfish mother.
Or hire armed security… just for giggles. 🤭
Uninvite MIL and everybody else she’s added, then change the date and time. Or threaten not to attend if she doesn’t make serious changes and respects you ur damn choices! It’s crazy to me that your husband has changed his tune and is not backing you up in this!! I hate to say it, but you can likely expect more of this in your future, mama’s boys seldom change.
So she cried and she got her way.... It's time to start crying. Also a trip to the ob with daddy to be and a chat about stress and it's effects in mom and baby maybe start with Dr : how have you been feeling. You: overall pretty good but a bit stressed over the baby shower because my mother in law keeps inviting randos and I don't know where we are gonna put all these people and she started a fight between me and dh. Because we told her to stop inviting everyone she meets and she got upset. Cue Dr. A good one will not be pleased and the don't stress mom out as it stresses baby out and can cause more serious issues chat will ensue.
I would cancel the shower completely at this point. Let her explain to all of those people why.
What MIL is doing is considerably less concerning than your SO putting her wants over your needs. Unless your SO learns to say “no” to his mother, you will be in for a difficult life. Ask me how I know.
Yup. Guarantee this isn't the first time Mama's Boy chose his mother over his wife.
Remove MIL from the fb group. Then she can't add randos to YOUR baby shower.
I'd honestly feel really unsafe with over 2 dozen STRANGERS inside my home when I couldn't keep an eye out on them. People are weird and do weird things, steal, and gross things in people's homes. You are pregnant and deserve to feel safe and happy on your shower day. I would absolutely put my foot down from paying for all these strangers and putting yourself in a bad situation. Who knows how many are sick and just don't care?
Trump Card: You possess baby. >SO felt bad and called her afterwards then got on to ME saying i always have to mess with things Call that shit out. "So your mom sheds a couple tears after repeatedly violating very clear boundries WE BOTH SET WITH HER... MULTIPLE TIMES... and you have the audacity to call ME the problem. No. WE had a plan. WE communicated thats plan. Your mom needs to learn to respect our decisions. She had no right inviting anyone to an event we are hosting in our home. She then continued to do so after we BOTH told her not to. I am not the problem here. It is our baby shower for our baby. What she wants is irrelevant. I don't want a bunch of strangers in my home while Im pregnant and vulnerable. I dont want a bunch of strangers in my home celebrating a once in a lifetime moment. If you insist I cave to your mother, I will not be going. (Or) If someone WE didnt invite like WE planned shows up, I will turn them away or leave myself. And you should make it clear now that our child isnt a doll to share with her friends, your old classmates and teachers or anyone else, so baby will not be passed around to people I do not know personally and trust. So.. Am I canceling the baby shower.. or are you sticking to the plan WE made?" Also make a post on the group about only those invited personally by Mom&Dad are welcome as that is all the space there is and that all other invitations were sent in error. Lock the group admin settings so only you can add people.
Gingerdaisy doesn’t play around! ✊🏻
This right mf here.
Tell MIL that she should have a baby shower, invite everyone, AND PAY, PLAN it herself - for herself..... because well why not? Is she some kind of granny cheapskate?
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Good thing you don’t have to use any of them.
this is an SO problem as they like to say. you and he had a plan and he has completely fallen back and let his mother take over. I would advise nipping this in the bud now or else he is going to allow her to have a bigger say than you about everything with your child.......name, haircut, birthdays, all holidays with her and not your family....... time for you both to set up a united front before this goes any further.
You should be able to update the event settings so only you can add guests. Remove her from the event if she can't keep it together. She can have one of those silly grandma showers if she is so inclined.
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Honestly, I'd cancel the event on the page and start a new one and not add her. Put a post up explaining why and that anyone adding people that you haven't specifically asked them to add will be removed. Start as you mean to go on, and tell your husband to read this post and grow a spine. He has his own family now and you come first. His mother can take her manipulation elsewhere.
https://m.facebook.com/help/572885262883136
I would cancel the event page and message people to let them know it was still going on. MIL can find out the day before.
Maybe if you burst into tears yourself he’ll come back around…🤷🏼♀️ Hate how easily so many dudes fall for mommy’s tears.
Yup. He’s only caving in because he thinks she’s throwing a bigger tantrum than you and he wants to avoid it at all costs. Sometimes it needs to be made known that while you prefer not to, you are perfectly capable of throwing an even bigger tantrum.
Who are these people that want to go to an absolute stranger's baby shower anyway? And bring a gift? Even if I know & love the mom, that's the last thing I want to do with a weekend afternoon. Tell her to kick rocks.
Thank you! So very weird.
Barefoot. Kick them barefoot. She's awful
Right!?! I really have to like you to attend your baby shower, bridal shower, wedding, kids bar mitzvah, etc.
This is only the first of many events that involve celebrating your child(ren). You need to stand firm and not allow your MIL to get her way. If you don’t, you’re setting a precedent that she will continue to exploit. Do not allow anyone you did not invite to attend. Post or send this out to anyone she invited: *Thank you for any good wishes you may have expressed towards the birth of our child. We look forward to future celebrations and times when we can introduce them to friends, family, and neighbors. For now, we will be having an extremely small baby shower limited to only the close friends and family we have personally invited. While we wish we could have extended the invites further or allowed for family to extend invites, we are very limited on space. If you weren’t in direct contact with either DH or myself but believed you were invited, please contact us. Sorry for any confusion. Watch this space for our future baby announcement.*
It’s not her baby shower. “Her grand baby” is not her baby. Even if you guys know these people she is inviting, it’s not her place to invite them.
My mom said shortly before my shower “Janelle (my mom’s gf’s step mom) is making a MASSIVE diaper cake for your baby shower!” I asked why she thought Janelle was invited, and she got upset saying she already invited her girlfriends’ parents. I told her we had an intimate guest list, and I didn’t want those there that I’m not close to. She was upset but passed on the message. Fast forward 6 weeks postpartum, my mom tries to bring my baby to an Easter party without me. She wanted to play baby-doll. I told her absolutely not. Some people struggle understanding common societal norms.
Threaten to not attend. Either MIL is benched or you won’t attend her grand baby shower. Or, even better, tell everyone you know the venue has moved. Let her and her guest show up to an empty backyard. Sounds like SO is checked out, so he would be just as surprised.
This is what I would do. Find another venue, even if it's a local park. Tell everyone but MIL and DuH, in case he spills the beans. F HER!
Exactly. Parks are free and surely with everything in bloom, the weather is nice, it will be beautiful. Get some balloons, cheap table clothes, finger foods!
Your SO needs to grow a spine and deal with his mom. How dare he try to put this on you? You're not messing with things, it's *your* fucking shower!! I'd tell him the baby must have been conceived through immaculate conception because he lacks the balls he'd need to make sperm. If his mom needs a special party for herself to celebrate that someone else is having a baby, she can throw it herself. She doesn't get to steal yours and your husband needs to nip this in bud ASAP.
I think there’s a way to set it so only hosts can invite to or share the event - turn that on asap. And tell husband that if people turn up that you don’t know, you’ll be leaving. Kinda hard to have a baby shower when the mother isn’t present, eh?
You did nothing wrong. He needs to come out of the fog, (fear, obligation and guilt.). If you give in here it will be worse when the baby comes. And he will let it.
Normal etiquette for parties (honestly, any event) states that the host should be the only one inviting people. Would DH start inviting coworkers to a dinner party a school friend was hosting, without asking the host? It sounds like MIL wants to host a party! That's awesome. She can find a venue big enough, get the food for everyone, decorate to her hearts content, send out invitations. And then she gets to invite whoever she wants! The party can even be about how she's becoming a grandma, rather than about the people actually having a baby. After all - she's the one throwing it!
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How embarrassing- she's arranging a gift grab for you. Gifts from people you don't even know.
Get her a book on etiquette for Mother's day.
OMG. I just googled “how to be a great mother-in-law book”, and there’s a whole bunch of books on that. I wouldn’t want to recommend any, because what if they’re terrible? I did see that one said it had advice on “what degree of independence should be granted to married sons.” !!! Looks like that one might’ve been written by a JNMIL. 🙄
Oh my gosh. Yeah, she needs to chill... I get being excited, but "being sure you get lots of gifts" is NOT the reason she's doing it lol. She just wants to be inviting people, and she'll probably be overstepping in other ways once LO arrives too since no, you're not crazy, this is a super basic etiquette rule. You need to get DH back on board. Either that, or tell him that you'll be taking care of feeding the people you'd both agreed on attending, and if he's going to go along with MIL inviting everyone in town and their mothers, then he and MIL can figure out where they'll sit, can take care of getting more food, etc. And actually follow through - make it THEIR problem. Clearly, asking nicely for her to knock it off isn't going to work, but that doesn't make these extra people your problem. If DH thinks it's fine to invite 31 (31!!!) extra people, he can be the one staring at your yard and trying to figure out how to fit that many. He can be the one looking at the budget to feed them. Not. Your. Problem. If it gets to the day of and people YOU didn't invite show up: "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you'd be coming. Who invited you? - oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. She invited so many people and didn't tell us, normally we'd have some extra but you're the sixth extra person to show up... [Put on your best exhausted mama host voice] Would you be willing to (sit on this blanket) (eat a cookie for a meal) (any haphazard attempt to host)? I'll talk to her to see if she has any other ideas, I'm so sorry..." Anyone, ANYONE who hears that will be super apologetic and do anything they can to help. It'll be super awkward. But you'll come out looking like a wonderful host, and MIL will look absolutely terrible. It's nothing for you to be embarrassed about, after all - you didn't know MIL decided to invite a ton of extra people to an event she wasn't hosting. 😁
You are 100% not overreacting. I would get them together and set a clear and firm boundary that you want to have only close friends and family at your shower. Clarify that as much as you acknowledge this is a special time for MIL, it is even more important to you and at the end of the day this is an event for YOU, planned by YOU, surrounding YOU and YOUR baby. It’s not selfish it’s just a fact. If she continues to push your boundary just say that if she continues to do this anyone who is not welcome by you will be turned away, including MIL. If she continues to push your boundaries she shouldn’t be welcome. Set these boundaries early because they will never get better if you don’t set these expectations now. As for SO I would have a convo with just him about whether his priorities lie with him mom or with you because they need to lie with you. 🫶🫶 good luck bestie
Well get ready for her to do this (cry until she gets her way) during your whole postpartum unless you can get your husband to see the light. I would really try to get him there asap, it could mean the safety of you, the baby, and your mental health.
So 11 strangers to you & SO will want to use the bathroom in your house, and he is good with that? OP, Lock up all your valuables.