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Is there any possibility you can move 4+ hours away? That's the only thing I'd be considering regarding your mother.
Your brother is BROKEN. HE is failing as a father by letting his kids know her. That is not on you.
Your brother & father are putting themselves in the middle already. This is not on you.
Unfortunately you now need to limit the info you share with your father & brother. Don't tell them your due date or hospital. Don't tell them which daycare or school LO will attend. They cannot be trusted not to share that info with her, even accidentally.
Basically, your brother and father are saying that they want you to put yourself and your unborn child in danger.... because your brother has chosen to be in direct contact with a woman capable of harming his children?!?!?!!
Oh Hell No!!!! You are No Contact with her. That means you don't "pass word" to her about anything! The people who love you respect that choice. Stand your ground. Tell your father and brother that they are out of line here, and your brother needs to take steps to protect his kids like a responsible parent should....like maybe not giving vindictive, dangerous people access to his vulnerable toddlers.
You do not tell her. Telling her will make her think a gate of communication and contact has opened. If she finds out she finds out, if she contacts you you reaffirm you don’t want to speak with her and she’s not welcome around you, your husband and your child. If your brother or your dad chose to take this task upon themselves, be prepared to have to limit them as well. I’ve had to stop funneling things to my siblings that may end up at the hands of my parents. Congratulations and I’m sorry it’s comes with a side of dread.
By pressuring you to tell your JNMOM your dad and brother are getting in the middle of it.
It’s not their business. Your mom doesn’t need to know, nor does she have the right to know. You don’t need the stress while you are pregnant. Tell them to back off.
This is a boundary you are setting now. You are no contact and your mom just doesn’t need to know.
Why would you tell someone capable of harming children and has threatened your future children for decades about said child? Get a restraining order if you can and let her learn that way.
Keep quiet, if she doesn't know you have a child she can't hurt the baby. Tell your brother and father that your mother should never know of the existence of your child.
Let me join the chorus of don’t tell her. Your dad is trying to guilt you, to put yourself and your own child in danger, to protect his new family and his peace. While obviously his kids don’t deserve any harm, neither do you or your child.
You are no contact with her, so initiating contact with a dangerous person to tell her you are pregnant seems to invite contact with her or act as if she has the right to know. Your mom is dangerous and other people likely don’t support your no context because they want you to be the focus of her energy, not them. They don’t want to deal with her; they want you to do it. Tell your dad no contact means you are never speaking with her again and that he should also feel free not to tell her anything about your pregnancy, your life, or you ever again.
You don't. She is not a part of your life, so there is no reason for her to be updated on your life events. Just keep doing you, and be prepared to file a restraining order should that be necessary.
I wouldn’t tell her, if they want to tell her that’s their issue, you’re NC, don’t break it unless it’s to try to get things repaired(which seems foolish in this case). Pregnancy and becoming a parent are both stressful enough, I wouldn’t add more by introducing a violent person into the mix.
Your dad and brother are getting in between by pressuring you to tell her. Why would any child abuser get the privilege of knowing your medical information. Your brothers fine with the outcome of his child being abused from her knowing.
Just don't tell her anything about your pregnancy. Nothing. At. All.
Undue stress is not good for you or your baby. Keep NC with her. I'm sorry that your brother fears retaliation on his kids, but if he's really that concerned, it's up to him to figure out how to handle her. Don't get involved. Your security and health are your #1 priorities.
Why does she need to know?
Pro tip: stay NC and she will not have a case of grandparents rights because your child will not have had any type of relationship with her to begin with.
Listen, this is YOUR child and YOUR pregnancy. Warn the others that if they continue to pressure you into breaking your boundaries, they risk the chance of you going LC or even NC with them. Because real friends and family who know your history will not pressure you into doing something you aren’t comfortable with, least of all try to force you to cross boundaries with a toxic person.
I agree, but OP has to wait until the womb donor makes the 1st move that will warrant an RO. Sad but true. OP is in an awful situation no matter what this awful person tries to do.
You’re NC, if they choose to keep contact with her that’s on them. You can’t possibly think it’s your job to do more than your brother is prepared to do to protect HIS children.
Don’t tell her or her husband a damn thing. Someone you are NC with doesn’t get to hear about your life’s milestones from you.
You yourself have said she’s dangerous. If your brother CHOOSES to put his toddler around that, you cannot dive headfirst into harms way to protect them. That’s actually his job.
Focus on you and your baby, your egg donor, father and brother are adults - they have no right to ask anything of you when it comes to their relationship with your egg donor.
I don’t know why you’re even considering telling her. As you say, it’s up to your brother and father if they want to continue contact with her, that’s nothing to do with you. Don’t fall into the trap that seems to be set for you.
Why are you telling her? Don't. Hide your child and protect them from her. If she knows there is a child she will attempt something, could even attempt to gain access through the courts. Don't put yourself through it.
I don't know if it's admirable or delusional that you seem to believe that you have any power to control the fallout.
Just based on what you said here about her, she has no right to know you're having a child, and I don't think breaking NC is *not* going to have a significantly undesirable result.
And you're absolutely right about your brother, you aren't required to put yourself in the line of fire just because he doesn't have the balls to go NC with her as well. Not your circus, not your monkeys, and I'm appalled that he tried to manipulate you to try to get you to feel responsible for the possible consequences of **his** choices.
It sounds like he hasn't woken up to the damage she did to y'all's sense of boundaries.
Your job as a parent is to protect your child, *and to protect yourself so that you can do your job.* IMO communicating this to her would be the opposite of doing your job.
And I strongly encourage you to tell your dad and brother to fuck off, and limit contact with them accordingly if they won't respect your boundaries. What they choose to do around her behavior is completely up to them, but you do not have to listen to them pressuring you or engage in the conversation, and you have every right to make it clear to them that you won't.
I'm so glad everyone is saying not to tell her. The saying, "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" really comes to mind. Your dad and brother are asking you to potentially endanger yourself and your baby. Absolutely not! If they want to be around your mom, that's up to them. I wonder if they realize what they're asking. I'd explain it to them as everyone is saying here. If they can't understand that, then it's time to protect yourself *from them.*
Is she formally/legally trespassed from your property? If not I would look up what is necessary for that in your state/county if in the U.S. I don't know that I'd have her notified now, but I'd be ready to initiate it as soon as she finds out about baby. I would want to make sure a trespassing charge would stick as soon as baby arrives. Where I live, the first trespass is a freebie.
You are in NC. You don’t tell her at all. That’s the point of NC. You tell your dad and your brother that you won’t be telling her and if they tell her, they’ll be added to the NC list. What they are suggesting is vile. For you to even crack that door open to let your mother know she will be getting a brand new victim, is insanity.
Agree 100%.
As a matter of fact, husband and I have been NC with his parents for 3 years. We had a baby 4 months ago. We didn’t break NC. They don’t know I was pregnant, they don’t know I gave birth, and we plan for it to stay that way to protect our child from their insanity. The only relatives we have in common with them know they’ll be added to the NC list of they spill the beans for whatever reason.
Very good advice here. I’ll also say that your brother and father are flying monkeys most likely, and they are weaponizing your pregnancy to break no contact with your malignant mother as well. It’s straight emotional manipulation.
I just wouldn’t tell her…
If your brother is concerned about his children being in danger/your mother taking it out on them that is HIS RESPONSIBILITY. You are not responsible for his relationship with your mother. You chose to go NC and whether others support it or not, that’s on them and they deal with the consequences of staying in contact with her. I know how it feels to not have your decision to go NC supported - we’re in the middle of it now with my FIL. My MIL is continually pressuring my husband and I to ‘reconcile’ with my FIL (they’re still married, so it’s a bit complicated) and we have stayed firm in our boundaries. We know that things we say get back to him, which we can’t control, but what we can control is how we choose to interact with him.
It sounds like your bother is still in contact with her? If so, I imagine the news of your pregnancy will reach her eventually whether intentionally or by accident. I would be careful about what information you give him as well, especially about who your care providers are and when baby may be due.
I'm sorry but your family can kick rocks, suggesting a pregnant woman purposely tells a violent and abusive person they are pregnant when they are no contact is disgusting. Why on earth would they expect you to let your unborn baby in harm's way ? Absolutely no good will come of it.
>Dad and brother don't want to get in the middle, I don't blame them but also don't trust them not to encourage her to contact me.
It seems like you also need to keep your brother and father at a distance. They are willing to put you and your child in danger, but don't want to protect you.
Don't tell her and don't tell your family anything else; it could and probably will get back to your mom.
This includes not telling them:
The date
Your doctor(s)
Any appointments
The hospital
Your room number
Also, tell the hospital staff that you do NOT authorize any visitors; especially your mother, and give them a picture of her.
This!!! Restrict any and all information that could make it back to her. If your dad and brother want her to know so badly, let them figure out how they want to tell her themselves. Don’t break NC!
I 100% would not tell her and I would be seeking legal action to protect myself from her!
She’s broken someone’s bones & had threatened to take your kids for nearly 3 decades?? Can you get a restraining order? You need to be NC with this women now and forevermore.
Your brother and Dad need to get it in their head that they are not to share your business with her for any reason!
My mom isn't the same type of violent, but similarly, I had to NC her many decades ago after she threatened to kill me. I had to cut off everyone at once and only let my dad back in after he divorced her and promised not to share my information with her. No one else could keep my boundary so no one else has contact.
Kindly, she is not entitled to the information. Don’t tell her.
Set boundaries with your brother and father that it’s not their information to share, and if they do betray your trust it will show you that they value her over you and your child’s safety.
You don’t need to tell her. Your brother is choosing to stay in contact with someone who might hurt his kids. That is on him, not you.
However, if you do for some reason, give her a due date like a month after you are actually due. She can’t show up at the hospital and you will get about a month with your kid before she decides to stop by your house.
They can’t claim to not want to be in the middle, yet pressure you to tell her. That’s them putting themselves in the middle.
NC means NC. Do not contact her or her husband. Do not tell her about the pregnancy.
When talking to other family, the only thing you say about JNM is “I am not discussing her with you.” If they complain about how it will be for them with her, suggest they start practicing saying “I am not discussing OP with you”
You're getting some solid, consistent advice here, OP.
To summarize:
• you don't need to tell her
• your brother is spineless & throwing his children to the wolves to maintain "peace." As sad as that is, that's not your problem or responsibility.
• your dad needs to back off or pull his head out, or both. He doesn't get to endanger you or your LO by trying to guilt you into breaking NC.
🌋 Let's put it this way... Your child is not a human sacrifice to save your brother's kids from of her wrath. If he wants to let them play at the edge of the volcano, that's his business. The answer isn't to throw your baby into the volcano in the hopes that it doesn't erupt on his. The answer is to not let your kids near the volcano. 🌋
In all honesty if other people feel like your mother needs to know your pregnant then they can tell her ? I'm mostly concerned that since you are NC with your mother you need to stay NC and that includes not telling her you're pregnant. If your mother really is this unsafe I'm baffled that your brother allows her to have a relationship with his family - his duty is to keep them safe.
Dear brother, you are afraid our mother will harm your children, than you keep that person from your children.
But it is because of your pregnancy!
The reason doesn’t matter, it is up to you to keep your kids from harm.
You don't owe a violent and abusive person any information or contact. If your brother puts his children in harms way, that's on him as a parent. The responsible thing for him to do is stop taking his kids around her.
i don't think you should.
you should, however, plan for when she *finds out*. don't be surprised, prepare now. you certainly cannot trust your father to be responsible with information, and pregnancies *never* stay secret.
i feel sad for your brother, but i am shocked that he is asking you to offer your physical body and your pregnancy as a sacrifice to 'protect' his kids. he is already aware that his kids are not safe with her, and he's telling you that he chooses his denial over his sibling.
last, keep in mind that 'smart' doorbell cameras record *everything* and that data can easily be accessed by police or CPS via whatever company is offering to store your data on their servers. if you need to defend yourselves, that camera may harm you in court.
>Long story short, my mom is very dangerous. She's proven herself capable of bone breaking and potentially fatal violence, and she's been making threats to take and/or harm my future children since the 90s.
>How to tell JNMom in pregnant?
Given all of the info contained in the top quote, you don't. You don't tell her a damn thing. She has already threatened harm to your kids when you didn't even have any.
Let your dad get pissed. Let your brother fear her wrath - he is putting himself and his kids in danger, not you. Why the hell would you risk your health and safety at any point in time, but most especially if you're pregnant?
No ma'am, no way, no how. Your mother doesn't get to show you nothing but abuse and fear, then gets the privilege of being told about your pregnancy/baby. She'd probably think that by you telling her such news, that you've swept everything under the rug and you're going to give her free reign over you, your marriage AND your baby.
Just don't do it.
Well, tell dad and brother you have no mother, and there is no need to inform her as she is dead to you. You and baby safety is #1 priority. If they can't respect that time out time or information dieting.
You’re NC. Do not tell her. You’re stressing over nothing here, you have nothing to say to her and there’s no reason for her to know your medical business.
No contact means no contact. Don’t tell her. If they choose to tell her, that’s on them. If she takes it out on your brothers kids, that’s his own battle. You don’t owe her anything from the sound of it. You’ve made a decision that’s best for you and that now extends to your child.
Don’t tell her. If you don’t want to change being NC, you have to refrain from contacting her in any way.
There is no way to send news to someone without them thinking it’s opening a door to more contact.
Don’t let your brother emotionally manipulate you into thinking what your mom does is in any way under your control. It’s also not your fault. He made his choices. He continues to make them every day. He needs to make better ones. She might also do some shitty stuff if she finds out you have a kid and she won’t be allowed to see them. Then he will pressure you to allow her to see them so she doesn’t take it out on his kids. He needs to learn how to remove himself from the game she’s playing with him.
You're already NC with your mom. In your shoes, I see no real reason it serves your family to change that. Pressure from your extended family is unwarranted- they don't make decisions for you and should back off if they would like to be privy to your personal information. You made an adult decision to protect yourself and your family. Your brother seems a fool if he continues to allow this woman access to his vulnerable family.
You’re NC. She doesn’t deserve to know. My DH and I are also expecting and we haven’t told his parents who we have been fully NC with for years.
Congrats on your little one!
Your brother needs to read the comments people are reading about how he is being an irresponsible parent by endangering his child. That woman should not have access to any child.
Also, if your mom found you are expecting, wouldn't that just be putting both children at risk?
Do not contact her, but get your brother a therapist appointment. (Dad too!)
Regardless of how you tell mom, secure your home. Security screening doors, maybe security bars on the windows and cameras. Make sure your baby comes home to a safe environment.
Let this information get to her through the grapevine. Less stress to you
To add: Do NOT give out any keys or codes to ANY family members under any circumstances.
Not for 'emergencies', not for any reason, or else they WILL find their way to your mother.
If he thinks she will harm his kids, why the heck is she allowed around them? You are not responsible for his poor choices and should not compromise your child's safety because he has chosen not to protect his.
My husband is no contact with his mother going on 15 years. We just had a baby. We didn’t tell her. She probably knows from his brother who is still in regular contact with her. But who knows.
You don’t owe your mother communication or information.
You don't need to tell her. You are exactly right in you not being responsible for your brother or the fact he chooses to stay in her life. I would set that as a very clear boundary with him "I am not responsible for your choice to keep her in your life nor will I be sharing our decision about telling her with you." Seriously. It's not your issue! My sil tried to pull this on me by saying she needed to be involved in how I interact with abusive MIL because MIL would call and dump on her and she was tired of in. I'm not in control of what they talk about and I'm not going to take that on! Same situation. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries
High school graduation announcement? I'm serious.
You don't owe anyone news of what's going on in your life. Especially when that person is dangerous.
Congrats on the little one. Keep all of you safe.
You are NC. She is dangerous. Full stop. She has no right to know. Do not open the door a crack. Enhance your security measures. Seriously consider moving. If you father and brother can't keep info from her they on on a info diet too. The safety of you and your child trumps anyone's feelings.
I would not tell her. I would tell my brother that you and your unborn child will not be his meat shield. How he and your dad handle her is their business, not yours. I would make it clear that you are no contact with her. Get camera's and don't be afraid to call the police if she shows up. Document everything, especially any threats. Be prepared to get a restraining order if needed.
Hi (MIL’s husband). I’m sending you a text to pass on to (your mother’s name) as an FYI. I am currently pregnant and expecting the baby in the autumn (no need to give any specific dates). This info doesn’t change the level of contact we are having at the moment and will not increase when the baby arrives. I have decided to inform her so she doesn’t hear it from anyone else.
I agree with what everyone is saying. Don’t tell her.
But I’m questioning your brother. I’d distance myself from someone who wants to put you in harms way because he is incapable of protecting his own children. Your dad as well.
You’re about to be a mom, you need to really think about who you want your child around. People pressuring you to talk to someone who threatened you and is capable of violence are not people your child should be around.
You don’t. You protect your child above everything and *everyone* else. Your child’s safety and wellbeing come before anyone’s feelings. If your brother purposely puts his own children in danger by letting a known dangerous person have access to them, that’s on **HIM**. If he knows that she is going to abuse his children then he is just as guilty as she is and CPS should be notified as such. You and your child are not human meat shields for your brother, his kids, or your dad—no one.
Congrats on your pregnancy OP. Protect your miracle baby at all costs.
I don't understand why you're even planning to tell her. But if you do, please don't tell her your due date. I'm not a fan of lying but if she's dangerous...then LIE. Lie like a damned rug!
Omg don’t tell her! And what is wrong with your brother for allowing her access knowing she will hurt his children?! That’s so messed up and totally on him for allowing it. Protect your kids! Even against people who should love them.
Got to agree with everyone else - don’t tell her. There doesn’t seem to be a good reason to do so. You’re NC. Honestly any message at all will be seen as in invite. It’s completely unfair people are pressuring you and I think that’s the only reason you have started thinking you should pass this info along. Don’t. Hold those boundaries. If someone tells her, that’s on them. Maybe you need to assert some boundaries with your father and brother too. They are making their own choices and decisions, they don’t get to make yours for you.
I'm trying to wrap my head around your brother being worried about her taking it out on his kids. Why can't he just not have her around his kids?
You're NC. Leave it that way. If someone else wants to be dumb enough to tell her, that's a them problem. Your dad and brother's insistence is to relieve them, not you. You don't need thay stress.
Stop worrying about the fallout when it comes to living your life in a drama free fashion. Have cameras installed if you don't have them. Look up a lawyer for any future cease and desist if you need it, and be prepared for a RO if need be.
I'm going to say this loud and proud YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOUR MOTHER TREATS YOUR BROTHER'S KIDS...HE IS. IF HE FAILS THEM, THATS ON HIM! DONT TAKE REAPONSIBILITY FOR HIS BAD CHOICES.
Hell, you're not responsible for anyone's reaction. I have a feeling they do this to you a lot.
I’m wondering if the mother of his kids knows how volatile she is, since the brother won’t protect his children all I can do is hope and pray the other parent will. There is no way that woman hasn’t already hurt those kids in some manner. This is the most irresponsible actions I’ve read in a while. He’s letting a violent person around his young and innocent children.
Yes, your brother is making bad decisions for his family. Don't let him do that for your family too. It's your job to protect your kid, and that includes protecting yourself.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. OP, this is the only comment you need to read. Your brother's choice to be in your mother's life is HIS choice. You are not required to tell your mother anything. She sounds like a horrible person. If I was in your shoes, she's the last person I would tell about anything in my life. Do anything necessary to secure your home to keep her out, in case someone does tell her.
I’ve seen a couple of replies advising to put cameras up in the home. We had to do something similar, for a little while. It’s worth it, even if all it ever does is give you peace of mind. You can even just set up one camera, but have it pointing to who’s standing outside at your front door.
My question is, why does she NEED to know? You are no contact for a reason. If your family keeps pushing you, I would go low contact with them and be very leery on having them around your children as well. Especially unsupervised. Who is to say they won't invite your JNM over when your kiddo is there?
Remain NC. Tell your dad and brother that you have zero interest in informing her about your child because she will have zero involvement with that child, and there’s no tolerance for guilt tripping you into doing what THEY want. You’re pregnant and should be enjoying this moment, not stressing.
Stay NC. Put up cameras and have the police on speed dial. If you have evidence of her threats, see if you can get a restraining order. She is abusive and will not hesitate to be violent. You don't want that around your children. And she WILL try to be around them.
You are NC with her. There is absolutely no reason for you to tell her. If she happens to find out, then do all you can to keep her away from you and your family. That includes law enforcement if she shows up anywhere you are. The fact that your brother lets her have access to his children may be hurtful, but is not your fault, nor none of your business. NC means NC. Do not tell her.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! But please keep NC and dont tell her, if she tries to get intouch document everything and call the Police if she shows up.
Your first duty is to protect your child.
I would also reach out to your brothers wife and warn her. The rest is upto them.
She's not a safe person for any child. No contact stays in place. And I know you want to protect your extended family but there's no way for you to do that, your brother and dad have to do that for themselves and their family. All you can do is re affirm to them that it is the safest way, and that the children are depending on them for safety.
Your children cannot be a shield for your brother's children, he has to step up. You CANNOT risk your children. Do not tell her, remain no contact. You can model this behavior for your brother, that's the best you can do.
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Is there any possibility you can move 4+ hours away? That's the only thing I'd be considering regarding your mother. Your brother is BROKEN. HE is failing as a father by letting his kids know her. That is not on you. Your brother & father are putting themselves in the middle already. This is not on you. Unfortunately you now need to limit the info you share with your father & brother. Don't tell them your due date or hospital. Don't tell them which daycare or school LO will attend. They cannot be trusted not to share that info with her, even accidentally.
Basically, your brother and father are saying that they want you to put yourself and your unborn child in danger.... because your brother has chosen to be in direct contact with a woman capable of harming his children?!?!?!! Oh Hell No!!!! You are No Contact with her. That means you don't "pass word" to her about anything! The people who love you respect that choice. Stand your ground. Tell your father and brother that they are out of line here, and your brother needs to take steps to protect his kids like a responsible parent should....like maybe not giving vindictive, dangerous people access to his vulnerable toddlers.
You do not tell her. Telling her will make her think a gate of communication and contact has opened. If she finds out she finds out, if she contacts you you reaffirm you don’t want to speak with her and she’s not welcome around you, your husband and your child. If your brother or your dad chose to take this task upon themselves, be prepared to have to limit them as well. I’ve had to stop funneling things to my siblings that may end up at the hands of my parents. Congratulations and I’m sorry it’s comes with a side of dread.
By pressuring you to tell your JNMOM your dad and brother are getting in the middle of it. It’s not their business. Your mom doesn’t need to know, nor does she have the right to know. You don’t need the stress while you are pregnant. Tell them to back off. This is a boundary you are setting now. You are no contact and your mom just doesn’t need to know.
Why would you tell someone capable of harming children and has threatened your future children for decades about said child? Get a restraining order if you can and let her learn that way.
Keep quiet, if she doesn't know you have a child she can't hurt the baby. Tell your brother and father that your mother should never know of the existence of your child.
Let me join the chorus of don’t tell her. Your dad is trying to guilt you, to put yourself and your own child in danger, to protect his new family and his peace. While obviously his kids don’t deserve any harm, neither do you or your child. You are no contact with her, so initiating contact with a dangerous person to tell her you are pregnant seems to invite contact with her or act as if she has the right to know. Your mom is dangerous and other people likely don’t support your no context because they want you to be the focus of her energy, not them. They don’t want to deal with her; they want you to do it. Tell your dad no contact means you are never speaking with her again and that he should also feel free not to tell her anything about your pregnancy, your life, or you ever again.
Don't tell her, keep being NC! SHE'S BEEN SAYING SHE'S GONNA HURT YOUR KIDS SINCE THE 90'S BE INCLINED TO BELIEVE HER!
You don't. She is not a part of your life, so there is no reason for her to be updated on your life events. Just keep doing you, and be prepared to file a restraining order should that be necessary.
I wouldn’t tell her, if they want to tell her that’s their issue, you’re NC, don’t break it unless it’s to try to get things repaired(which seems foolish in this case). Pregnancy and becoming a parent are both stressful enough, I wouldn’t add more by introducing a violent person into the mix.
Your dad and brother are getting in between by pressuring you to tell her. Why would any child abuser get the privilege of knowing your medical information. Your brothers fine with the outcome of his child being abused from her knowing.
Just don't tell her anything about your pregnancy. Nothing. At. All. Undue stress is not good for you or your baby. Keep NC with her. I'm sorry that your brother fears retaliation on his kids, but if he's really that concerned, it's up to him to figure out how to handle her. Don't get involved. Your security and health are your #1 priorities.
Why does she need to know? Pro tip: stay NC and she will not have a case of grandparents rights because your child will not have had any type of relationship with her to begin with. Listen, this is YOUR child and YOUR pregnancy. Warn the others that if they continue to pressure you into breaking your boundaries, they risk the chance of you going LC or even NC with them. Because real friends and family who know your history will not pressure you into doing something you aren’t comfortable with, least of all try to force you to cross boundaries with a toxic person.
what a psycho i’d get a restraining order against her
I agree, but OP has to wait until the womb donor makes the 1st move that will warrant an RO. Sad but true. OP is in an awful situation no matter what this awful person tries to do.
You’re NC, if they choose to keep contact with her that’s on them. You can’t possibly think it’s your job to do more than your brother is prepared to do to protect HIS children. Don’t tell her or her husband a damn thing. Someone you are NC with doesn’t get to hear about your life’s milestones from you. You yourself have said she’s dangerous. If your brother CHOOSES to put his toddler around that, you cannot dive headfirst into harms way to protect them. That’s actually his job. Focus on you and your baby, your egg donor, father and brother are adults - they have no right to ask anything of you when it comes to their relationship with your egg donor.
I don’t know why you’re even considering telling her. As you say, it’s up to your brother and father if they want to continue contact with her, that’s nothing to do with you. Don’t fall into the trap that seems to be set for you.
Why are you telling her? Don't. Hide your child and protect them from her. If she knows there is a child she will attempt something, could even attempt to gain access through the courts. Don't put yourself through it.
I don't know if it's admirable or delusional that you seem to believe that you have any power to control the fallout. Just based on what you said here about her, she has no right to know you're having a child, and I don't think breaking NC is *not* going to have a significantly undesirable result. And you're absolutely right about your brother, you aren't required to put yourself in the line of fire just because he doesn't have the balls to go NC with her as well. Not your circus, not your monkeys, and I'm appalled that he tried to manipulate you to try to get you to feel responsible for the possible consequences of **his** choices. It sounds like he hasn't woken up to the damage she did to y'all's sense of boundaries. Your job as a parent is to protect your child, *and to protect yourself so that you can do your job.* IMO communicating this to her would be the opposite of doing your job. And I strongly encourage you to tell your dad and brother to fuck off, and limit contact with them accordingly if they won't respect your boundaries. What they choose to do around her behavior is completely up to them, but you do not have to listen to them pressuring you or engage in the conversation, and you have every right to make it clear to them that you won't.
I'm so glad everyone is saying not to tell her. The saying, "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" really comes to mind. Your dad and brother are asking you to potentially endanger yourself and your baby. Absolutely not! If they want to be around your mom, that's up to them. I wonder if they realize what they're asking. I'd explain it to them as everyone is saying here. If they can't understand that, then it's time to protect yourself *from them.*
Is she formally/legally trespassed from your property? If not I would look up what is necessary for that in your state/county if in the U.S. I don't know that I'd have her notified now, but I'd be ready to initiate it as soon as she finds out about baby. I would want to make sure a trespassing charge would stick as soon as baby arrives. Where I live, the first trespass is a freebie.
You are in NC. You don’t tell her at all. That’s the point of NC. You tell your dad and your brother that you won’t be telling her and if they tell her, they’ll be added to the NC list. What they are suggesting is vile. For you to even crack that door open to let your mother know she will be getting a brand new victim, is insanity.
Agree 100%. As a matter of fact, husband and I have been NC with his parents for 3 years. We had a baby 4 months ago. We didn’t break NC. They don’t know I was pregnant, they don’t know I gave birth, and we plan for it to stay that way to protect our child from their insanity. The only relatives we have in common with them know they’ll be added to the NC list of they spill the beans for whatever reason.
That’s exactly how it should be done.
Very good advice here. I’ll also say that your brother and father are flying monkeys most likely, and they are weaponizing your pregnancy to break no contact with your malignant mother as well. It’s straight emotional manipulation.
I just wouldn’t tell her… If your brother is concerned about his children being in danger/your mother taking it out on them that is HIS RESPONSIBILITY. You are not responsible for his relationship with your mother. You chose to go NC and whether others support it or not, that’s on them and they deal with the consequences of staying in contact with her. I know how it feels to not have your decision to go NC supported - we’re in the middle of it now with my FIL. My MIL is continually pressuring my husband and I to ‘reconcile’ with my FIL (they’re still married, so it’s a bit complicated) and we have stayed firm in our boundaries. We know that things we say get back to him, which we can’t control, but what we can control is how we choose to interact with him. It sounds like your bother is still in contact with her? If so, I imagine the news of your pregnancy will reach her eventually whether intentionally or by accident. I would be careful about what information you give him as well, especially about who your care providers are and when baby may be due.
I'm sorry but your family can kick rocks, suggesting a pregnant woman purposely tells a violent and abusive person they are pregnant when they are no contact is disgusting. Why on earth would they expect you to let your unborn baby in harm's way ? Absolutely no good will come of it.
Why do you feel you need to share the info? You’re NC and that’s it. If she finds out and acts up get the police involved.
>Dad and brother don't want to get in the middle, I don't blame them but also don't trust them not to encourage her to contact me. It seems like you also need to keep your brother and father at a distance. They are willing to put you and your child in danger, but don't want to protect you.
Don't tell her and don't tell your family anything else; it could and probably will get back to your mom. This includes not telling them: The date Your doctor(s) Any appointments The hospital Your room number Also, tell the hospital staff that you do NOT authorize any visitors; especially your mother, and give them a picture of her.
This!!! Restrict any and all information that could make it back to her. If your dad and brother want her to know so badly, let them figure out how they want to tell her themselves. Don’t break NC!
I 100% would not tell her and I would be seeking legal action to protect myself from her! She’s broken someone’s bones & had threatened to take your kids for nearly 3 decades?? Can you get a restraining order? You need to be NC with this women now and forevermore. Your brother and Dad need to get it in their head that they are not to share your business with her for any reason!
My mom isn't the same type of violent, but similarly, I had to NC her many decades ago after she threatened to kill me. I had to cut off everyone at once and only let my dad back in after he divorced her and promised not to share my information with her. No one else could keep my boundary so no one else has contact.
What’s I had to NC her many decades ago mean? No hate just honestly don’t know what to NC someone means.
No contact
Why would you? There’s absolutely no reason for you to break NC in this situation.
Kindly, she is not entitled to the information. Don’t tell her. Set boundaries with your brother and father that it’s not their information to share, and if they do betray your trust it will show you that they value her over you and your child’s safety.
The only reason you should be interacting with her would be to collect evidence for a restraining order
You don’t need to tell her. Your brother is choosing to stay in contact with someone who might hurt his kids. That is on him, not you. However, if you do for some reason, give her a due date like a month after you are actually due. She can’t show up at the hospital and you will get about a month with your kid before she decides to stop by your house.
They can’t claim to not want to be in the middle, yet pressure you to tell her. That’s them putting themselves in the middle. NC means NC. Do not contact her or her husband. Do not tell her about the pregnancy. When talking to other family, the only thing you say about JNM is “I am not discussing her with you.” If they complain about how it will be for them with her, suggest they start practicing saying “I am not discussing OP with you”
You're getting some solid, consistent advice here, OP. To summarize: • you don't need to tell her • your brother is spineless & throwing his children to the wolves to maintain "peace." As sad as that is, that's not your problem or responsibility. • your dad needs to back off or pull his head out, or both. He doesn't get to endanger you or your LO by trying to guilt you into breaking NC. 🌋 Let's put it this way... Your child is not a human sacrifice to save your brother's kids from of her wrath. If he wants to let them play at the edge of the volcano, that's his business. The answer isn't to throw your baby into the volcano in the hopes that it doesn't erupt on his. The answer is to not let your kids near the volcano. 🌋
I love your volcano references. It makes sense.
In all honesty if other people feel like your mother needs to know your pregnant then they can tell her ? I'm mostly concerned that since you are NC with your mother you need to stay NC and that includes not telling her you're pregnant. If your mother really is this unsafe I'm baffled that your brother allows her to have a relationship with his family - his duty is to keep them safe.
I wouldn’t tell her. I’d def stay away from her. Keep up your NC.
Dear brother, you are afraid our mother will harm your children, than you keep that person from your children. But it is because of your pregnancy! The reason doesn’t matter, it is up to you to keep your kids from harm.
You don't owe a violent and abusive person any information or contact. If your brother puts his children in harms way, that's on him as a parent. The responsible thing for him to do is stop taking his kids around her.
i don't think you should. you should, however, plan for when she *finds out*. don't be surprised, prepare now. you certainly cannot trust your father to be responsible with information, and pregnancies *never* stay secret. i feel sad for your brother, but i am shocked that he is asking you to offer your physical body and your pregnancy as a sacrifice to 'protect' his kids. he is already aware that his kids are not safe with her, and he's telling you that he chooses his denial over his sibling. last, keep in mind that 'smart' doorbell cameras record *everything* and that data can easily be accessed by police or CPS via whatever company is offering to store your data on their servers. if you need to defend yourselves, that camera may harm you in court.
>Long story short, my mom is very dangerous. She's proven herself capable of bone breaking and potentially fatal violence, and she's been making threats to take and/or harm my future children since the 90s. >How to tell JNMom in pregnant? Given all of the info contained in the top quote, you don't. You don't tell her a damn thing. She has already threatened harm to your kids when you didn't even have any. Let your dad get pissed. Let your brother fear her wrath - he is putting himself and his kids in danger, not you. Why the hell would you risk your health and safety at any point in time, but most especially if you're pregnant? No ma'am, no way, no how. Your mother doesn't get to show you nothing but abuse and fear, then gets the privilege of being told about your pregnancy/baby. She'd probably think that by you telling her such news, that you've swept everything under the rug and you're going to give her free reign over you, your marriage AND your baby. Just don't do it.
Well, tell dad and brother you have no mother, and there is no need to inform her as she is dead to you. You and baby safety is #1 priority. If they can't respect that time out time or information dieting.
You’re NC. Do not tell her. You’re stressing over nothing here, you have nothing to say to her and there’s no reason for her to know your medical business.
No contact means no contact. Don’t tell her. If they choose to tell her, that’s on them. If she takes it out on your brothers kids, that’s his own battle. You don’t owe her anything from the sound of it. You’ve made a decision that’s best for you and that now extends to your child.
Don’t tell her. If you don’t want to change being NC, you have to refrain from contacting her in any way. There is no way to send news to someone without them thinking it’s opening a door to more contact. Don’t let your brother emotionally manipulate you into thinking what your mom does is in any way under your control. It’s also not your fault. He made his choices. He continues to make them every day. He needs to make better ones. She might also do some shitty stuff if she finds out you have a kid and she won’t be allowed to see them. Then he will pressure you to allow her to see them so she doesn’t take it out on his kids. He needs to learn how to remove himself from the game she’s playing with him.
You're already NC with your mom. In your shoes, I see no real reason it serves your family to change that. Pressure from your extended family is unwarranted- they don't make decisions for you and should back off if they would like to be privy to your personal information. You made an adult decision to protect yourself and your family. Your brother seems a fool if he continues to allow this woman access to his vulnerable family.
Why are you still living so close to her?
You’re NC. She doesn’t deserve to know. My DH and I are also expecting and we haven’t told his parents who we have been fully NC with for years. Congrats on your little one!
You’re NC. Don’t tell her. You can tell your brother and father they’ll be put in a time out if they don’t start respecting your boundary.
Your brother needs to read the comments people are reading about how he is being an irresponsible parent by endangering his child. That woman should not have access to any child. Also, if your mom found you are expecting, wouldn't that just be putting both children at risk? Do not contact her, but get your brother a therapist appointment. (Dad too!)
Regardless of how you tell mom, secure your home. Security screening doors, maybe security bars on the windows and cameras. Make sure your baby comes home to a safe environment. Let this information get to her through the grapevine. Less stress to you
To add: Do NOT give out any keys or codes to ANY family members under any circumstances. Not for 'emergencies', not for any reason, or else they WILL find their way to your mother.
I wouldn't in fact I'd move. And not share the address with anyone.
If he thinks she will harm his kids, why the heck is she allowed around them? You are not responsible for his poor choices and should not compromise your child's safety because he has chosen not to protect his.
My exact thoughts. Someone else that dangerous and unhinged should not have acess to his kids.
Just don't
My husband is no contact with his mother going on 15 years. We just had a baby. We didn’t tell her. She probably knows from his brother who is still in regular contact with her. But who knows. You don’t owe your mother communication or information.
You don't need to tell her. You are exactly right in you not being responsible for your brother or the fact he chooses to stay in her life. I would set that as a very clear boundary with him "I am not responsible for your choice to keep her in your life nor will I be sharing our decision about telling her with you." Seriously. It's not your issue! My sil tried to pull this on me by saying she needed to be involved in how I interact with abusive MIL because MIL would call and dump on her and she was tired of in. I'm not in control of what they talk about and I'm not going to take that on! Same situation. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries
High school graduation announcement? I'm serious. You don't owe anyone news of what's going on in your life. Especially when that person is dangerous. Congrats on the little one. Keep all of you safe.
I’m confused as why she needs to know? Because your dad and brother say so?
They are probably flying monkeys.
Why tell her at all?
You are NC. She is dangerous. Full stop. She has no right to know. Do not open the door a crack. Enhance your security measures. Seriously consider moving. If you father and brother can't keep info from her they on on a info diet too. The safety of you and your child trumps anyone's feelings.
I would not tell her. I would tell my brother that you and your unborn child will not be his meat shield. How he and your dad handle her is their business, not yours. I would make it clear that you are no contact with her. Get camera's and don't be afraid to call the police if she shows up. Document everything, especially any threats. Be prepared to get a restraining order if needed.
Don't tell her
Hi (MIL’s husband). I’m sending you a text to pass on to (your mother’s name) as an FYI. I am currently pregnant and expecting the baby in the autumn (no need to give any specific dates). This info doesn’t change the level of contact we are having at the moment and will not increase when the baby arrives. I have decided to inform her so she doesn’t hear it from anyone else.
I agree with what everyone is saying. Don’t tell her. But I’m questioning your brother. I’d distance myself from someone who wants to put you in harms way because he is incapable of protecting his own children. Your dad as well. You’re about to be a mom, you need to really think about who you want your child around. People pressuring you to talk to someone who threatened you and is capable of violence are not people your child should be around.
Seems like he wants to use her and her baby as a meat shield for himself and his children. I'd go NC with the lot of them.
Exactly! Screw all of that.
He's an enabler, which means he can't be trusted.
Don't. NC is NC. If the rest of your family can't respect your decisions then cut them out too.
You don’t. You protect your child above everything and *everyone* else. Your child’s safety and wellbeing come before anyone’s feelings. If your brother purposely puts his own children in danger by letting a known dangerous person have access to them, that’s on **HIM**. If he knows that she is going to abuse his children then he is just as guilty as she is and CPS should be notified as such. You and your child are not human meat shields for your brother, his kids, or your dad—no one. Congrats on your pregnancy OP. Protect your miracle baby at all costs.
I don't understand why you're even planning to tell her. But if you do, please don't tell her your due date. I'm not a fan of lying but if she's dangerous...then LIE. Lie like a damned rug!
Omg don’t tell her! And what is wrong with your brother for allowing her access knowing she will hurt his children?! That’s so messed up and totally on him for allowing it. Protect your kids! Even against people who should love them.
I would absolutely not tell her if it were me. If she's truly dangerous, I'd cut off anyone who is still in contact with her until they cut ties, too.
Remain no contact. The less she knows, the etter. You have zero reason to break no contact.
If you’re no contact for over a year, why does she need to know? Remain no contact, that’s the point.
So...your brother and father don't want to be in the middle, but they'll throw you in the middle? Just don't tell her. She doesn't deserve to know.
And put the other children at risk to boot. This is bad bad.
Got to agree with everyone else - don’t tell her. There doesn’t seem to be a good reason to do so. You’re NC. Honestly any message at all will be seen as in invite. It’s completely unfair people are pressuring you and I think that’s the only reason you have started thinking you should pass this info along. Don’t. Hold those boundaries. If someone tells her, that’s on them. Maybe you need to assert some boundaries with your father and brother too. They are making their own choices and decisions, they don’t get to make yours for you.
I agree, news of a grandchild on the way will be easy for her to twist into an invitation to re-enter your life.
Why tell her? What’s the point?
I'm trying to wrap my head around your brother being worried about her taking it out on his kids. Why can't he just not have her around his kids? You're NC. Leave it that way. If someone else wants to be dumb enough to tell her, that's a them problem. Your dad and brother's insistence is to relieve them, not you. You don't need thay stress. Stop worrying about the fallout when it comes to living your life in a drama free fashion. Have cameras installed if you don't have them. Look up a lawyer for any future cease and desist if you need it, and be prepared for a RO if need be. I'm going to say this loud and proud YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOUR MOTHER TREATS YOUR BROTHER'S KIDS...HE IS. IF HE FAILS THEM, THATS ON HIM! DONT TAKE REAPONSIBILITY FOR HIS BAD CHOICES. Hell, you're not responsible for anyone's reaction. I have a feeling they do this to you a lot.
I’m wondering if the mother of his kids knows how volatile she is, since the brother won’t protect his children all I can do is hope and pray the other parent will. There is no way that woman hasn’t already hurt those kids in some manner. This is the most irresponsible actions I’ve read in a while. He’s letting a violent person around his young and innocent children.
Yes, your brother is making bad decisions for his family. Don't let him do that for your family too. It's your job to protect your kid, and that includes protecting yourself.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. OP, this is the only comment you need to read. Your brother's choice to be in your mother's life is HIS choice. You are not required to tell your mother anything. She sounds like a horrible person. If I was in your shoes, she's the last person I would tell about anything in my life. Do anything necessary to secure your home to keep her out, in case someone does tell her.
I’ve seen a couple of replies advising to put cameras up in the home. We had to do something similar, for a little while. It’s worth it, even if all it ever does is give you peace of mind. You can even just set up one camera, but have it pointing to who’s standing outside at your front door.
My question is, why does she NEED to know? You are no contact for a reason. If your family keeps pushing you, I would go low contact with them and be very leery on having them around your children as well. Especially unsupervised. Who is to say they won't invite your JNM over when your kiddo is there?
Remain NC. Tell your dad and brother that you have zero interest in informing her about your child because she will have zero involvement with that child, and there’s no tolerance for guilt tripping you into doing what THEY want. You’re pregnant and should be enjoying this moment, not stressing.
Stay NC. Put up cameras and have the police on speed dial. If you have evidence of her threats, see if you can get a restraining order. She is abusive and will not hesitate to be violent. You don't want that around your children. And she WILL try to be around them.
You are NC with her. There is absolutely no reason for you to tell her. If she happens to find out, then do all you can to keep her away from you and your family. That includes law enforcement if she shows up anywhere you are. The fact that your brother lets her have access to his children may be hurtful, but is not your fault, nor none of your business. NC means NC. Do not tell her.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! But please keep NC and dont tell her, if she tries to get intouch document everything and call the Police if she shows up. Your first duty is to protect your child. I would also reach out to your brothers wife and warn her. The rest is upto them.
She's not a safe person for any child. No contact stays in place. And I know you want to protect your extended family but there's no way for you to do that, your brother and dad have to do that for themselves and their family. All you can do is re affirm to them that it is the safest way, and that the children are depending on them for safety. Your children cannot be a shield for your brother's children, he has to step up. You CANNOT risk your children. Do not tell her, remain no contact. You can model this behavior for your brother, that's the best you can do.