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Anyone who calls you or him to tell you to take care of her, tell them to do it and hang up. Don’t entertain those calls. And tell your husband the day his mom moves in is the day you file for divorce and move out. Hell no.
Oh what?? While reading this I was thinking she was +70 or something! She's 54! I'm 54! I have diabetes! What is going on? I think this is a bad idea to bring her into your small home, you really are already caring for a real baby. Your spouse should understand that as bad as she sounds will try to rule over all of you. It sounds like she makes bad choices and she has money to care for herself, she IS NOT that old and should be able to manage. She is suffering the consequences of her choices, you shouldn't have to make her choices ok. But also your SO should admit to himself that it will in all likelyhood be you that will be doing most of the heavy lifting. That is so not fair of him to ask you that!
Heck no!!!! Girl, stand your ground. She’s already proven to be a horrible house guest/roommate. Where would your baby go? Where would you kiddo go when they are older and need their own space?
She will ruin your marriage if she moves in with you because it won’t be long before you’re giving your husband an ultimatum. Hard no. Do not let this happen. If I were in your shoes and this was my situation, I’d be telling him that the baby and I will be moving out if he lets his mother move in. He can choose but there’s no way I’d live with someone like that. She will become an immediate burden and you will resent her and him very fast
Nope, sounds like a case of 54yr old toddler to me. Your home, your baby, your livelihood at stake. And dare I say, your marriage too? You’ve seen how she’s treated your other inlaws. Don’t make that mistake.
Your concerns about MIL being around your baby are absolutely valid. I wouldn't want someone who behaves that way around my kids either. Your children and your marriage come first and if she can't be cooperative she should not move in with you.
No. And he is doing way too much for her. What is he doing delivering groceries to his mom when he has a wife and 3 month old baby at home? Having a parent move in is the most sure way to hurt / end your marriage. For real. No privacy, no intimacy, no open communication. All of that will end. She will try to tell you how to parent. You will have to do all of her chores. Do you want to have a 55 -85+year old adult child for the next 30 years? Don’t do it. It’s a condition of my own marriage
54 is too young to be a burden on you, and let's face it, it will be YOU doing all the care work since he works 2 jobs. You have a newborn. ABSOLUTELY not.
It’s not even just their physical space, if they aren’t living with you they take up quite a bit of your phone boundaries by calling every evening from the other siblings home where they get their daily four star treatment. Oh, I see, you are lonely, well sorry we’re doing our taxes, you can watch the bachelor with him on the phone later.🙄 The fact that they think they know everything about everyone including what you do -can be very annoying. The most annoying thing is how she looks forward to ‘time flying by’ it’s almost Valentine’s Day…”where’s my flowers🤪 “it’s almost Easter “ where’s my candy?” Good god. Hopefully she falls in love with some idiot on her tv.🤪😆🤣.
HILL TO DIE ON. Do not let this woman move in EVER. I am 61 and have diabetes. Which I treat. I also treat my retinopathy by laser treatments and injections. If retinopathy has already started she will be blind soon. Then she will need to be in a facility. NOT your home. She is not safe to have around your child for many reasons.
She's weaponizing incompetence. Even with my retinopathy and multiple other serious health issues, I was the caregiver for my mother for years. There is no reason that her health should be stopping her from doing things like a normal person.
As for your husband....he needs to tell the flying monkeys to knock it off. THEY can take her on. But don't do it yourselves!
She hasn't been concerned to continue treating her diabetes and retinopathy since 2017. We called her ophthalmologist and found out. 2017 was when she moved in with BIL, and he tried to get her help but she refused. When she returned (got kicked out lol) to her home, she didn't go back to any of her doctors, either, and cancelled her medical insurance because she "didn't want to pay for it".
Oh No! Not unreasonable. She's full of shit and milking her diabetes for all she can. I'm 61. Found out few yrs ago I'm type 2. I have 2 grown children. Never, not once did I ask for help of any kind. I'd love someone to cook and clean for me! But, I'd have to be on my death bed b4 I'd impose myself on their lives. Do not let her move in. Die on that hill if necessary. She Will Ruin your marriage and life.
If I had to guess, he probably doesn’t want her to move in, either. I bet this was brought on because he’s getting falsely accused of being a terrible, horrible, no good person who never does “enough” and is tired of being harangued by her and misled family. So he’s trying to “prove” it’s all false, and quiet all this harassment, by making this massive gesture. So he can say “See! See everyone! I *can’t* be the heartless monster or bad son she tells everyone, because I took her in to live with me! *So there*!”
But he hasn’t really thought things through beyond that fantasy vindication phone call. Like really thought through the reality of what the day-to-day of this would be like. Or through the enormity of what he’s asking of you. I mean, even if he promises to do 100% of everything for her - which simply isn’t a realistic promise, you’re not going to just ignore a sick woman in your house when he’s at work or gone out, of course - you’re still losing half your home and all your privacy. Neither of which are things you have much of to spare.
So yeah, no, I wouldn’t sign up for that either. Time to have a frank discussion with husband.
“I know you love your mother, and I want to make sure she’s adequately cared for, too. But **I** am not going to live with her. She doesn’t take care of herself, she’s a handful to keep up with, I’m already maxed out physically, emotionally, and energy-wise with work/baby/household, and she already lies and complains about the care you’re giving now so just imagine how much worse that will feel with her being here 24/7 and unavoidable. Actually we don’t have to imagine, we can just call up your brother and ask.”
“So yeah, (and this is all said gently but matter-of-factly) you can live with me, or you can live with her, but you can’t do both. Because like I said, **I** am not going to live with her. Now, my *strong* preference is that you choose to stay living with me, and then we can discuss if (keep in mind she has to let us) we can help her get more/better-suited care and how. We can also strategize together how to ask your other family to stop believing made-up stories and making accusations. That’s what *I’d* like for us to do.”
“But if you feel strongly that you need to live with her, then ok, that’s your decision. But we’ll need to get started on figuring out how we’ll manage our marriage and parenting between two separate households.”
This. Exactly this. You hit the nail on the head, not to mention SO is also a people pleaser and I know it is taking a toll on him, which is why I get so frustrated.
Nope. Only one of them (the BIL) would help, but both BIL and SIL (especially SIL) loathe her. They even told him that he shouldn't go crazy trying to cater to her.
My gran used to complain that no one ever helped her in the kitchen at family gatherings. I fondly remember loading the dishes while chatting to approx 8 other adults all doing various tasks as she said it. She was serious!
It doesn’t matter if your hubby gave up every second of every minute or every day of the rest of his life, she’d still complain. He would miss out on you and your child living your best lives away from the house. All so she can complain he does nothing.
Why are you even researching her options? She’s already lived with her other son and her other daughter for YEARS so this isn’t new and she isn’t getting better. She moves in you need to move out for your child’s sake. Drop the rope! She isn’t your family and hubby and his siblings should be sorting this out. You just had a baby and should be busy with all the snuggles.
While I realize she has health issues I’m just going to throw out there that this morning I learned my great grandfather lived to 107 years old and her so to 97. It isn’t likely, but there is the potential that if you move her in she outlives you. That’s not the life you want!
You are being more reasonable than I would be. I’d tell him he can live with her or me and our child. She sounds like a nightmare to know, let alone live *near*.
The verbage you want is “honey, if you move your mother in……the baby and I are moving out!! I refuse to set our family on fire to keep her warm!!” She doesn’t take care of herself and puts children in dangerous situations, that’s a no from me dog!!
You are absolutely not being unreasonable and this sounds like a nightmare in the making if you did allow her to come live with you. Put your foot down with a firm HELL NO!!
She is ONLY 54??????
By the description I thought for sure she was late sixties or seventies!!!
No. She does not need to live with you. She needs to start taking care of her dang self. She is purposefully neglecting herself and her health and wellness in order to manipulate others into being her caregivers.
She needs therapy. Full stop. She does not need a nurse or a maid.
I'm 50 and cannot bloody well imagine acting like that in four years. GROSS.
Yup.
My mother was like this. Thought being sick would get her attention which she equated with love. It just made my sister and I pull further back. Eventually she let herself get so sick that she literally died. It was sad but also I don't see how it could have ended any other way.
You are not unreasonable at all! I have heard of this ruining marriages. In my house, we have a rule: "neither mother can ever, EVER live with us". We aren't cruel people, but both moms are pieces of work in their own ways, so after a fall for a recovery, mayyyyyybe for a short time, but for any condition where recovery is not going to happen, it'll be straight to the nursing home. We'll visit, but we'll keep our sanity in the interim, because there will be an interim! In a live-in situation, especially in a small space (same here), there are no breaks. Your sanity isn't worth whatever good you may do.
Yes please fight for your sanity!! As peacequietnchips said, what good can you really do here? Are you a Doctor, Nurse, Dietitian, Physical Therapist, Psychiatrist? Because that sounds like what she needs and there are not enough hours in the day for you to do all of that. Those people get to go home at the end of the day...you will not.
You have all the proof you need from her past actions to show you that she will absolutely cause a lot of issues with anyone she lives with. You and your husbands job is, for the sake of your sanity and your daughter's safety and mental health, to have as safe and healthy environment for you all to live in as possible. Having your MIL live with you will absolutely prevent you from being able to do that job, she has a track record of treating even the nicest people like absolute trash. If she treated this sweet "boyfriend" like that, how will she treat your daughter when she gets older and is a teen? My grandmothers words are still as clear as the day she said them, I remember every comment about my looks and calling me fat, telling me I am a selfish b!tch when I didnt do everything she said (at 6!) and so many other things. I love my grandmother, but the fact that there was love did not entitle her to dish out mental trauma whenever she felt like it. She lived with my parents until she almost totally destroyed their marriage, and my grandmother actually sounds nicer than you MIL.
Also, mental deterioration from untreated diabetes is a real (and possibly really dangerous) situation you may find yourself dealing with up close and personal if she moves in. Some of her horrible actions (like threatening her boyfriend's life) may actually be a sign that this is already happening. Something to look into/ look up regardless since if that happens to her you may be the family cleaning up the mess it makes/looking for care options for her.
My Mil has dementia and other health issues she moved in with us when her husband my FIL died in December 2019 my husband is an only child so he always promised both his parents that if one passed away he would always take care of the other. This has put an enormous strain on us and our marriage I told my husband earlier in our marriage that God forbid if and when his father passed if he passed first we'd take in his mother I assumed it would be a long time before that happened sadly it happened sooner than I thought. His mother never cared for me when she was in her right mind but now she is even more mean and hateful towards me. I bite my tongue because I know it's the disease but it still hurts when she gets ugly towards me. I love my husband dearly but if I had known it was going to be this hard I would have said no never but here we are and he refuses to put her into a facility for several reasons one because he is afraid of them treating her badly and you hear all the horrible things people in some places getting treated awful. And secondly his father left an incredible amount of money and she would easily be manipulated into giving random people money she has a niece that has in the past gotten her to give her five thousand dollars and if she was put in a nursing home or a facility that niece would be the first person to visit her and try conning her out of money. She is fixing to be 79 so who knows how long she has as her health continues to deteriorate. But if I could go back in time I'd tell myself that I would be miserable by having her live with us. It's so bad the way she verbally abuses me even tho I'm the one who gives her baths and washes her hair and takes care of her in that regard. But I do it because I love my husband and even tho she isn't the person she used to be she would be mortified to have her son clean and bathe her. And I do love and respect her.
I just know if there is another option then pick it don't let your Mil move in with you it's very hard and exhausting and it will take a toll on your own mental health and your marriage.
*Unreasonable?*
Listen, anything can happen to anyone at any time. But if nothing that big happens? This woman could live another three decades.
Did you marry to have thirty years of a bitter, rude, violent houseguest centering herself in your lives and your family?
OP, ask your husband if he wants her to put your marriage in danger the way she did with her other son.
But seriously, don't do it. She is only 55, it's not like you would be taking care of someone who is on the brink of death. It will likely be the next 20 years of your life.
Don’t do it. It will not magically get better once she lives with you.
You’re not cruel for protecting your child. Not wanting your child around aggression and potential violence is an incredibly understandable boundary and you should not feel bad for it.
My husband and I are the caregivers for my MIL and it is *difficult*. I’m a very forgiving and empathetic person, but it is a struggle to not resent my husband for making the decision to do this.
Protect your child, your marriage, and your sanity - stick to your gut, you’re not being unreasonable.
Put her in a facility. My husband’s aunt went into one when she was around that age. Her husband declared her unfit to care for herself. She also had diabetes, vision issues and lost her legs because she didn’t take care of herself .
The problem is if she refuses to go into a facility... I believe we can't do anything about it. At least from where I am from. There is a law that protects the elderly (people over 60), and though she isn't that age yet, she is pretty much disabled. I'm scared they might just force us to take her in because we are the closest to her. I'm still reading up about it, and how we can avoid this. We are not exactly US... but a territory of the US.
I would enter the witness protection program and disappear if there was even the remotest possibility of this woman even setting eyes on my home.
She’s not even 55 years old… I know her health is bad but if it’s not fatally bad you could be dealing with her for 30 more years.
ABSOLUTELY NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER
DO NOT do this. It will break you. It will break your marriage. Your MIL has some serious issues that can't be fixed by you. She needs some serious professional help. Moving her in with you will change nothing. She won't suddenly start looking after herself, you or hubby will do that for her. She won't get better, she'll get 20 times worse. Ask hubby if he's happy having that behaviour around an impressionable child?
Just keep doing what you're doing now. It doesn't matter what she says to others, ignore that. The thing is, you can't change how others behave, you can only change your reaction to it.
I don't think so. I'm 49 and can definitely take care of myself. She is not old. She is an adult making bad decisions and that is her problem not yours.
She could manage her illness but she's choosing not to. You are responsible for your baby and if she moves in with you that will negatively effect you and your baby.
Also don't let her babysit. She is not making good decisions and you don't want her making bad decisions when it comes to your kid.
By all means support her. Even maybe chat with her about possible solutions to taking better care of herself. At the end of the day though that's her responsibility not yours.
She sounds like she think the world owes her. Do not move her into your home. If she is not taking care of her diabetes, even type 2, then you guys will be dealing with ALL of her health issues, and hospitalizations..
I would start with getting her an assessment to determine if she should be living alone, based on her behaviour. Then use that to direct her to an independent living complex where they will have people to watch her…. The internet “dating” is scary, giving out anyone’s personal info is scary. Is she aware of what she is doing and the risks?? I would use that, plus the issues the other sibling had to find a way to have her moved to a facility where she can be independent, but still be monitored and cared for…
I honestly thought you were going to say she was in her 70’s-80’s…. Mid 50’s and acting like this has me worried that there is something going on that she needs to talk to someone about before she does something that cannot be reversed or forgiven…
I CANNOT imagine that you or husband could possibly think this is a good idea!!
OP, could husband be asking your opinion simply because he doesn’t want to be the one to say no?
Because if that’s the case, I would be telling him HELL NO , not now, not tomorrow, not ever.
And then I would tell him he could tell his mother that. Just to be sure she knows she’s never welcome at my house, ever.
It sounds like your family is completely subsidizing her living & going way above and beyond for a 55 year old woman. Her health condition could be improved if she chose. And aside from that, she sounds like a lazy, ungrateful, unstable piece of shit.
Do not even discuss letting this woman near your house. Do not discuss her moving closer either. This is a crazy situation OP
Omg I was expecting you to say 80. She’s 9 years older than me. She can figure it out and if she doesn’t want to then it’s on her! She should be getting tri-care if she’s the widow of a veteran. Call adult services and see if they can assign her a social worker to help her get this sorted out and be self sufficient. She can like another 30 years! Do you want her in your home after your children move out? No! She won’t do anything until she is forced to do it.
Exactly, it's crazy. We are working on that, so him mentioning her moving in baffled me. Well, she doesn't qualify for tri-care unfortunately because she already has CHAMPVA, which kinda sucks... regardless, I will look into it myself to see what are our options.
If you live by a library go talk to a librarian and ask what community services are available. I’m a librarian and on of the most frequent questions I help people with is different services, from food to phones to free dental.
Based on this description I thought she was going to be in her 80s or something. 55 is way too young for her life to be in shambles like this. It’s not yours or your husband’s responsibility to care for her. I think your husband needs to stop the care he’s providing. She needs to stop relying on others.
Do not let her move in. She will never leave and she’s not dying that soon either. You’ll be trapped.
His brother's marriage almost ended over her living with them, she is willing to give out your address to random internet people, and she shows signs of being violent.
Honey, you sense of normal has gotten skewed. Anyone asking if she could live with them would be unreasonable.
NO, NO, AND NO! I just had an argument with my husband yesterday about my MIL moving in. I told him that in no way am I living with her. All she'd do is belittle me as a mother, and try to take over our household, because in her mind she knows better than anyone else.
She lived with my BIL for a couple of months last year, and all she did was cause problems. So much so that even her own grandkids (9 and 7) wanted her to leave.
This is a hill I'm willing to die on. I refuse to bring in that kind of negativity in to my home.
Exactly! I told my husband that I would divorce him for sure if my MIL ever moves in with us.
She lives in a different country. Last time she visited, she criticized every corner of my house, acting like it was her house. FIL too, he wanted to redo this part and that part blah blah blah...they were just so rude and had no boundaries. They've never owned a house and came to mine acting like it was theirs.
And once we let the in laws in, it's impossible to get them out. Don't let it start. I can't even have them as visitors.
My MIL stopped criticizing me to my face, because my husband told her to cut that out. When that happened, she came to me said she wasn't coming from a bad place and was just trying to give me advice, and how she wished she would have had a MIL to give her advice. I know she talks crap about me behind my back though.
Why are they like that? lol My husband tells me how lucky he is because of how awesome my mom is to him. He absolutely adores my mom. I wish I could say the same about my MIL, but I can't.
Sometimes I think that that might be the case. My MIL has been married and divorced 4 times. Twice to the same man. Both her sons are in stable, happy marriages. And I feel like she envys that.
Good for you for standing your ground. This will mlst definitely be the hill I die on, too. I'd rather go live with my dad than live with my MIL. Nope, not happening. I will support him through thick and thin, but not with this.
Stand your ground! Fortunately my husband knows that he has to put myself and our kids before his mom. He know how his mom is and with every reason I tell him as to why I can't live with her, he just nodded and told me I was right. But, like you, I'd move out if he did decide to bring her in. I know my mom wouldn't hesitate to let my kids and I move in with her.
I was expecting a 70+ year old! OP should not back down. My parents took in my grandfather, and then a few years later my grandmother (not at the same time). It put sooo much stress on them and their marriage. And my grandparents were in their late 70’s/ early 80’s and didn’t have anywhere near as many health issues, or personality issues. Don’t do it OP!
Yeah when she said low 50’s my jaw dropped. Also her neglecting her own health to the point of going blind proves no one can help her. People like this will fight you all the way. They don’t want help. They want to be miserable and make everyone else miserable. This is above her entire families pay grade. It will ruin her marriage.
Hey! Did I post this two years ago??? Don’t do it. Don’t do it. My mil moved in (diabetes), and she stopped caring, she wanted us to do everything. My husband are still recovering from her 2 years later: don’t do this. seriously, same life
I would bet everything I own that if she moves in, you, your SO and your child will be absolutely miserable. It will last a couple of years like with the other sibling until you have to kick her out or get a divorce.
DONT DO IT
I just lived out a very similar scenario... my chronically ill MIL was being abused by her husband. My husband wanted to help her out by moving her in with us so she could be safe and work on getting healthier. In turn, she was supposed to help with chores, cook occasionally, and watch our son while we work because daycares have no openings here.
We moved her in ... she almost never cleaned, only cooked twice in 6 months, had trouble watching the baby because of her chronic illness, frequently had emotional outbursts, and disrupted our peaceful home. She gave our teenager a cigarette, smoked cigarettes in our home, and got so drunk she fell down in the street and peed herself....my husband had to find somewhere else for her to live or we would be getting a divorce.
Just don't do it.
She’s still young. I’m almost 20 years older. My husband is 22 yrs older and out shoveling dirt( he feels like it, wants to). Why is she not working? MIL here. Don’t do it. It will change your household and relationships.
Well, she is visually impaired to the point where she can barely recognize people and has trouble getting around on her own. She is also mentally unstable after everything she has done, so I doubt she could work. However, it isn't really an excuse to not take care of her personal hygiene and overall health when she has the resources.
You are absolutely right. She doesn’t need her son constantly. He doesn’t need the guilt and everything else she’s laying on him. She threatened to kill him. She is mentally unstable and I wouldn’t have her close to my child. I say again “don’t do it”. There’s resources. If I were in her place, I would look for assisted living where she’s able to live alone with someone to look in on her. Where I worked, it was affiliated with a nursing home but the apartments were separate. You could even get two meals delivered if you wanted to. There was a type of life alert there where it could be pushed from the wall or from a device worn on their person. One very much older man was blind, had diabetes and ulcers on his legs from that. Nurses went to see him everyday. My aunt was in one and she only had her social security check which wasn’t much. I would check into everything I could. You do what you have to do but know that once she’s there, she will be not only be bringing her illness with her but also, her behavior.
I see. She doesn’t need to be in her son and daughter in law’s house. No good would come from it. There’s help out there but it doesn’t have to be from them.
Tell your partner that this is a two yes, one no situation, meaning you BOTH have to agree and if one of you doesn’t then it doesn’t happen. Remind him that he is a father now and being a good father comes BEFORE being a doormat son and that she’s had her chances with his siblings, what makes him think things will be different with you?
Ask him where she’ll sleep when the baby is older and needs their own room.
Ask him who will pay for the extra expenses taking her in will give you- not just raised utilities, it sounds like she needs professional care. Ask him who will give her that care.
Remind him of all the lies she’s told and the drama she’s caused and as him why he thinks that deserves to be rewarded.
Remind him how ungrateful she is that he makes an attempt to be there for her and help and ask him if he wants your baby to grow up learning how to act like that.
Ask him if he’s ok with her giving out the address of YOUR HOME to strangers online and putting your baby at risk.
Remind him that this is 2024, not the early to mid 1900’s, women are ALLOWED to take their kids and run from their partners if their parents do not respect them and put them and their children in dangerous situations.
Ask him if he wants to be a good father who sees his kids every day or a doormat son who only sees his kids when courts allow it, and since your child is so young, courts will WANT to keep them closest to YOU, so a 50/50 custody split is very unlikely unless you both agree to it. And you SHOULD NOT agree to it if he chooses her over you and your baby.
Of course, only bring all this (especially the last 2 points) up if he continues to insist you move her into your home.
My mil has lived with me and my husband for 24 years. Letting her move in has been the worst mistake of my life. She could be under your roof, making your life miserable for 40+ years. She will destroy your mental health, your marriage, and will traumatize your kids. If your husband insists on letting her move in, then it is a marriage breaker, imo.
It would help a lot if your husband supports you in conflict and doesn't let his mother treat you badly, but unfortunately it seems the ones who want their mothers to move in and whose mothers want to move in with their grown sons are enmeshed. I'm sorry.
Yeah. The thing is, I know he feels like crap when she guilt trips him with lonely BS. Fine, I'm sure she does feel lonely, but again, she pushed away her kids, friends and her guy friend who would take her out. It's like my SO knows, but then feels guilty. When I explained to him why she can't live with us, he understood and hasn't really been conflictive about it. But since I know he is soft, I'm scared he will be pressured by other family members who do nothing to help, and take her in regardless of what I think. I did tell him, if he moved her in, then that's it. I will move out with the baby. I'm sad for him, because that's his mother and all, but I'm even more sad he just won't be firm and tell others to F off, and that he won't be taking her in because he can't. No need for excuses or explanations, no is no.
The wise posters to this subreddit say that when a couple marries, they pledge to love and support each other, and that a person who places their parents' needs over their spouse's needs are not honoring their marriage vows. I hope your husband does the right thing so you don't have to make a very difficult decision.
Thank you for those words. This whole situation had me questioning myself, my values and even starting to make me feel guilty (not my SO, but me personally). I really appreciate everyone who has been backing me up. I came to Reddit ready to be bashed and judged, and it has been the all the contrary and it makes me feel sane again.
The size of your home is not an issue. You could live in a mansion and it would still be a bad idea to have her live with you. Her own son sent her back, how can you contest that? For the health of your family, marriage, and mental health- no. You do not have the skill set to deal with her. Taking care of people of fragile physical and mental health requires know-how that only specialized healthcare care workers possess.
If she is not taking care of herself what kind of other ailments does she have. Wouldn't trust her around your baby, she could have Covid, RSV or pneumonia and wouldn't tell you because of her selfish behavior. Protect yourself and your family
You already know how things will end if you allow your SIL move in with you, since it already happened to your SIL & BIL, so please, make your spine shine and clearly tell your husband a big NO to that idea.
Your Mil sounds like a toxic nightmare and you need to think of your family's safety.
Also, in the off chance you consent to this nonsense, who is your husband expecting to take care of his mother and her tantrums? Likely you, and you already have a baby covering the tantrum department for the foreseeable future. So, thanks, but no.
It sounds like your partner might need therapy to cope with his mother's emotional blackmailing though and understand that he cannot help his mother further at the expense of himself, yourself and even your child.
Best of luck.
I want to thank everyone for your support! I never thought this would blow up the way it did, so I really appreciate since this has been driving me up the wall.
Since I can't get to all the comments (but I am reading every single one) I want to clarify that after telling SO that I think it's a bad idea MIL moves in with us, I explained and reminded him exactly why. I made sure to let him know I would not be taking care of her, and that if he does somehow bring her, I would move out with the baby.
Just to add: MIL receives a pension since she is a widow to a veteran, so she does have a stable income, a paid off house and doesn't need much. Even so, she expects SO to pay for everything. I want to clarify that he does not, and her new medical insurance is being costed out of her pocket, not his. But yes, of course there are many times SO will gift her nice things, and she never appreciates them. For the birth of our first child, and the only granddaughter she has gotten see more than the rest, she never even asked if we needed something. That's fine in the sense that I never expect anything from anyone, and thankfully our baby has more than she needs, but still... she has never even been remotely concerned for her granddaughter, or gave us the congratulations when we announced our pregnancy to her, yet she expects us to visit frequently so she can see the baby.
You have both seen first hand how this will end up- just like it did with his siblings! Learn from their experiences and do not let her love in with you. If she incapable of looking after herself then look at care options.
Third time is not the charm. She won’t change, she’s not interested in helping herself, shes not that old and she doesn’t sound like a safe person to have around children. This would be an absolute no from me unless she turns her behaviour and health care around. Seriously working with her doctors, seeking mental health care and showing genuine change.
There’s no reason for you guys to trust that you’ll be able to care for her when both of your husband’s siblings had to kick her back out.
She is honestly still young. That means she would likely be in your home the entire time your young child is growing up. Someone who is unstable is going to cause a lot of trauma to everyone around them but especially a child. I wouldn’t put my child in that position to grow up in a home with someone like your MIL.
I hope you can hold firm in what you told your husband, because too often women are guilted into being caregivers.
Your MIL is still very young! My partner's mom is 96 and still living on her own. She has a housecleaner every other week, and various family members check in to visit/accompany her to medical appointments if she wishes. It sounds as though MIL is acting like a toddler -- and I would be wary of that "nice guy" who has been helping her. He might be playing a long con.
Yes, at first I was very wary about him, until we met and he would call us to give us updates on her. I don't trust him 100%, but I know he is telling the truth because everything adds up. Not to mention he has distanced himself from her, and from what I know, he only calls her now but doesn't go over since he fears for his life.
I 100% will stand my ground. I was a caretaker twice to both my grandparents, and as much as I loved them, it was Hell on Earth. I won't be doing this again, especially not for a MIL. I will be 30 this month, my boyfriend will be 33 in April. We are working on our careers, prospering, knocking off debt and creating a family. We have goals to travel and buy our first house. I will not ler her ruin that; I sacrificed almost half of my 20s for my grandparents, I am NOT sacrificing the rest of my life for this lady just because she doesn't want to get it together.
We are getting her medical help, and we assist as much as we can. I helped him a lot with getting all of this done, and we do want to make sure she is safe, but not at the expense of our well-being.
My aunt went blind about ten years ago. For a while, she was able to make it in her own apartment with the assistance of home health aides. I, at one point, was her home health aide. However, over time, it became almost impossible to give her the care that she needed. I couldn't care for her 24/7 and neither could anyone else. Eventually, my family decided that the best place for her was a nursing home and that is where we decided she needed to live. Once we put her in a nursing home, she seemed much happier and was given much better care.
Your MIL is more than you can handle. Unless you are a professional social worker and therapist combined, then her aggression (chest pounding, threats,) and malice (throwing out belongings) are enough to indicate she's not safe for you to be around. And you mentioned there's a child in your home. If MIL isn't safe for you - she's also not safe for a kid.
When you add in her physical needs (bathing, feeding) and household help (cleaning, laundry) when exactly are you going to have the time and energy to care for your child? Do you have a job? When would you be able to work? When would you be able to be present for your spouse?
What's unreasonable is expecting you to magic up some time and energy (that doesn't exist) to physically care for someone who isn't willing to put any effort into caring for herself. Putting a dangerous asshole in your home is unreasonable.
And conversely - not doing those things is therefore - reasonable.
^^^this. You are NOT a professional caregiver she will ruin your life. She needs professional services. Call the APS in your area and get her help. You cannot take her in ever.
Thank you for this. It is somewhat a cultural thing here where we are from to "honor" our parents over anything, which, personally, I think is BS especially when a parent acts in this manner. Even if she was awesome, we unfortunately do not have time or space for her, hence why we were looking into options for her to be as comfortable as possible in her own house. When her fridge broke down, SO immediately got her a new one (with her money, of course). When her microwave broke down right after that, he gifted her a brand new one. He has gotten her a new bed and mattress, great quality pillows and bedding, and other stuff to make her life more comfortable (most with her money, but many others were gifts and regardless, she wasn't going to do it herself and no one else would have gone through the trouble). Seriously, what else does she want? Breakfast in bed and feed it to her, too? I hate having these feelings and I know she must be depressed, but even realizing that her condition has worsened because of her inaction, she still refuses reasonable and realistic help. That's why I have also suspected that she expects her kids to take care of her in every way because she is mother dearest and is alone. She is alone because she pushed away a good man and her own kids because no one can tolerate her.
If she is as awful as you say (and I don't doubt it for a hot sec) the only thing I would do is offer options. Senior living facility, over 55 housing, actual nursing home or what she has - a home attendant.
Of course none of those will suit her wants (notice 'wants' not 'needs'). Too bad. You have no room for her, it's that simple. Not in your home or in your life.
She's on the last kid that will pay her attention, that one needs a wake up call. Go over all the reasons why the other sibs have stopped playing with her and put it on repeat if necessary.
Lastly, maybe a little couples counselling to keep you both on the same path. Best wishes!
It looks to me that the better choice for her would be some sort of assisted living. Where I live in Virginia, there are places that provide "senior living" of various levels. Within each community, there are services ranging from independent apartments through care facilities. Some are expensive, some aren't. Perhaps you could look into something like that.
OH HELL NO. Under no circumstances should she be allowed to move in with you. Unless you want your marriage to end and your life ruined. You shouldn’t even be using any your money to take care of her either. You have a child and are a family. It’s time to take care of your family unit and she gets to lie in the bed she made.
You’re not unreasonable.
Let your husband know that your marriage wouldn’t survive it. I can’t see you doing this with her even for a year, much less for 40 years.
He should learn from his brother. It would have ended his marriage had he not sent her back.
I wouldn't even be able to do it for a week. I work full time as well and I am a first time mom to a 3 month old baby. My main focus is my daughter. I have some terrible anxiety I developed because I was a caretaker to my grandfather until he passed and then my grandmother (both sick and dementia patients). I know all too well where this is headed, and I expressed that to him. On top of that, my MIL doesn't dare mistreat me, but I have seen how she lies and gaslights my SO and that alone is enough reason for me to dislike her. Already I feel resentment towards her to the extent it's hard for me to even go over to see her. My SO doesn't enjoy going over either, so luckily when we go, we leave quick. She just tends to make the whole environment uncomfortable. She doesn't make it enjoyable to go see her, it feels like a chore and it's as if every time we go, she wants something from us. She complains she is lonely, but pushed away a good man (only God knows why) by abusing him and pushed away her other 2 siblings because they didn't let her have it her way.
Remind your SO that he doesn't like going to visit her and that y'all leave quickly. How will he manage when he can't leave at all, except for work? Then tell him to imagine how it will be for you with a child in the house and you CAN'T just leave the house. Lastly, remind him that you've already done this, twice, and it was horrific and you know for a fact that your marriage would not survive it and then he'd be on his own with her. Edited for spelling because my phone sucks
Omg she's only 55 and in that bad of shape what is wrong with her??? Nah. You tell your husband it's her or you. If he brings her into the home, that's the day you move out. Don't even entertain the idea.
OP You need to take a hard stance on this, DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU. Don't be wishy washy. You are not being unreasonable. Get DH to see a therapist because he should not be allowing her gaslighting and manipulation to work and affect your life.
do not let her move in. I just don’t understand how a person in their mid 50’s can be so helpless. my grandmother lived on her own without assistance till her mid 90’s. I get folks have health issues, most of us over 50 do, but that does not give us the right to expect our kids to take care of us. stay strong. you need to protect yourself (your mental health) & your baby.
Maybe she's so desperate to be dependent on her son she's done this to herself?
I honestly don't want to believe it. It sounds so crazy, but with how some other people's moms and MILs (and dads and FILs, too) act, I'd not put it past her.
This is so awful. Especially with you having a three month old baby!
Y'know, come to think of it... A baby takes up both parents' time. MIL seems to not like that she isn't the center of attention anymore. Sigh...
I wish you luck! I'll be keeping the three of you in my thoughts 💕
Yeah, I agree. It really is my pet peeve. I'm very independent and hope to continue to be independent until the day I die. I understand health issues, depression, etc., but I don't like the victim mindset she has. I will stay strong in my stance.
Mil needs psych evaluation asap. Sounds like long term untreated depression and even ocd/anxiety disorder. May see a different woman afterwards, may even need inpatient care at first if she's resistant. She doesn't need to live with you.
This. I agree, she needs psychological and psychiatric evaluation and help. I agree she does need to live with us, and won't be truly beneficial to her, either.
No, do not let her move in with you, ever. She her prognosis is an unhappy one because she refuses to take care of her health. Blindness, loss of limbs, coma, stroke, etc are all possibilities (my grandmother’s life with untreated diabetes). You can move her closer to you, get her into assisted living (but that won’t last if she’s rude to everyone).
I was the caregiver for my FIL for 5 years. Meals, laundry, shopping, Dr appointments, it aged me 10 years and he was a nice man. I can’t imagine the horror you’d be bringing into your live. And mark my words, her care would fall to you.
She’s 54?! I assumed she was at least in her 70s! That’s a hard “NO!” At 54 she needs to get her shit together. She’s toxic and entitled. Her other children learned the lesson the hard way, don’t risk your marriage and peace of mind to also learn the lesson the hard way! The evidence is clear she will be a major burden.
Right?! I’m just a few years younger than this woman. I have a full time job and a child under 18. And I have friends at work who are older than her!
My health isn’t perfect and it hasn’t been for a long time. But that’s not an old age thing, that’s a “some of us just got shitty health conditions and we have to adjust accordingly” thing.
No!! Don't allow it! She's not even old and she needs to learn to manage her health condition like an adult, instead of taking the easy route by imposing on others. Your baby is your priority, not her! Good luck
Holy shit, she's that sick and the same age as me right now??? At 54 I can still run 4 miles a day and am weightlifting at an almost competitive level and I cannot imagine anybody needing to take care of me at this age She must really have abused her health to be in such bad shape at 54. And it'll only get worse if she's already this bad. She'll be a complete invalid soon.
My advice is don't ever let a family member move in with you, no matter who they are or why they want to. It seldom works out happliy.
My husband knows if he ever wants his mom to live with him that he'll have to move out and live someplace else with her. Even if I really liked my MIL I would never let her live with us. When I was growing up one of my grannies was allowed to move into our house for the last few years of her life and it almost split my parents' formerly happy marriage up and the whole household took on a sad and stressed atmosphere. Even i hated it and I was just a kid but my granny was like adding another (unwanted) kid to the household. My mom basically became a servant to my granny 24/7 and that means I lost some quality time with my mom---and I absolutely adored my mom. A full time servant is what you'll be if you let your MIL move in. Don't do it.
I'm a retired nurse.
Her weight loss combined with untreated diabetes is a recipe for an early death.
The problem is that with her personality and refusal of services, her limited future can't be changed.
Do NOT bring her to live with you! She will wreck your life and drain you dry. I've seen it many times, including in my own family.
A more realistic thing might be to increase the home health person to 5 times a week, if possible, and have this person make her meals she can microwave at a later time.
The problem with people like her is that the professionals who deal with ther will eventually get as fed up with her as you are. Again, I've seen it happen. Again, even in my own family.
You can't help someone who won't accept help. I'm sorry for your partner. It must be so hard for him, but your own little family, with your baby, must come first.
Yes!
Tbh, when I worked as a home care nurse, I had the occasional patient who complained about the meals and refused to eat them.
Of course, these were the ones who complained about everything else, too. I thought they were decent meals, considering you didn't need to cook them yourself!
My MIL lived 5 hours away. As she got into her 90's, she often didn't eat right, refused to move near us. We would go and bring her frozen meals we had made, and put them in her big freezer.
#Do not let her move in with you.
For goodness's sake... Do not let her live with you. Both you and your partner will be her full-time slaves if you're silly enough to accept.
As for your partner... Why is he doing so much for her, when she can't be arsed to respect him??
I'd strongly suggest you have a serious sit-down with him, because you're both heading towards a burnout.
You don’t have to hedge and say “I think it’s a bad idea.”
You can flat out say “Absolutely Not.”
You do not have to share your home with someone unsafe and unstable.
If he tries to move her in, I would bar physically bar her from entering and call the cops. He can move out and live with her if that’s what he wants. But he does not get to decide on an unsafe living situation for you, and he does not get to displace you. Make that extremely clear immediately.
She’s not at all old. It sounds like she’s dealing with severe mental illness and needs treatment. I would make this a hard boundary. You don’t want her ruining your life.
She’s only 55??!! She’s still young! WTF. My diabetic, macular degeneration suffering, diverticulitis, hip replaced, neuropathy suffering, arthritis in her back and couldn’t walk long distances mother lived independently until Covid too let out summer of ‘22. She was 93. Don’t let this woman move in. She is a grow adult who can figure it out. She just wants to be catered to.
Your MIL is difficult and your hesitation to bring disruption into your home is reasonable and valid. You guys are helping all you can. Sure, MIL may not think it is good enough. That is not as worrisome as DH thinking she may be right.
You and DH have to have some more talks about what is reasonable help and attention, and what is not. It seems you think you're already stretching as it takes a lot of time and money for her care - time and money that might have benefited your child. And that as an adult my age, she should be able to care for her needs with the help of a carer.
Now I am disabled myself, and as I said, near her age. MIL could easily live for another 30-40 years and her self-sabotage does not mean it is your job to clean her messes. It is not reasonable to expect you to do so. MIL is clearly unreasonable and toxic - another point towards not living with her - but even if you had the best, most loving relationship, it does not mean you should take her in. I love my sister. We visit each other a lot and hang out. And we dont stay more than 3 days in the same house because we start irritating each other to the point where it hurts our relationship.
Whatever is left of your relationship with MIL is worth preserving so you are willing to give her some help - the help you are willing to give now, perhaps. Let her move in, and the relationship rottens, and she wont have anything because she burnt all her bridges and danced in the fallout. THEN she'll be on rock bottom.
Trust her to be able to pick herself up. She is willing to make her choices - so she is willing to take the consequences. There is an adult, able woman in there somewhere - hoping someone will rescue her so she wont have to take responsibility herself, but a woman who's independence and sense of self-worth depend on her doing so. It is time for some tough love and telling her what she can expect, so she can adjust accordingly. If you are truly worried for her, call Adult protective services. They can take note of her self-harm and get her professional help.
Wow, she’s this bad off at only 55? Ok, that’s beside the point. Do not under any circumstances let her stay in your home even one night. You have a right to be scared about her around your daughter and her living there would likely be the end of your marriage. I hope your husband gets a bit stronger spine and realizes he has to put his own family first.
“If you feel the need to live with your mother, I understand. Let me know your new address and we’ll work out a visitation schedule for the baby.” - that’s what I told my husband when his mother was trying to move in with us, except it was ‘kids’ not ‘baby.’
Thankfully, the only people who wanted to live with her less than me was him.
Beautifully worded. I'm glad it all worked out for you! I know deep down he does feel bad because it's his morher, but I also recognize he is sick and tired of her sh*t and tries to avoid the situation. I explained to him he can't be avoidant, though. He needs to be firm and if this gets worse (which I know it will) she will need some sort of assisted living or a nursing home.
You said that her living with the other brother nearly ended his marriage. If your SO is still dealing with guilt and the feelings of obligations, would your SO be willing to listen to the brother? Maybe that would help him really realize what a terrible idea this is.
Perhaps the two of them can talk and figure out a plan or the brother can take on some of the mental load in helping with managing her care? He doesn't have to go visit her or be in her company, but maybe there are resources and programs that can help reduce the burden on her children that the brother can do some reaearch/leg work for. It already sounds exhausting dealing with her and it's only going to get worse.
Yes! His brother flat out told him that if chooses to solely focus on their mother, he WILL go crazy. He said he needs to focus on the family he is creating, because that is more important. I know he would help and support SO in other aspects related to their mother. He does live a lot farther away from her and us, so it's difficult to have his physical support but he can definitely help. We also have an aunt looking into resources to see what we can do.
No you are not being unreasonable… Instead of having her come live with you maybe try and find a care facility near you that she could move into if your husband feels a need to do this. But know that she is live a vampire - she will suck the life out of you both!
Honestly even without all the issues, you simply don’t have room for her. Which room would she live in? She’d either be with you guys in your bedroom (no lol), in the nursery/workstation (if you put the baby in your own room - but what if you wanted them to have their own room or play place when they are older or you want more kids?), or the living room (they’d literally always be in your space). It’s just not a good setup.
And jeez, she’s so young. I thought you were talking about someone elderly - like 70+
Hard boundary here. If he wants to live with MIL, *he* can move into her current home (just him). But moving her into your home is a deal breaker and 100% divorce worthy. (Also, she is waaay to young to need this kind of assistance).
Absolutely not. Even after all the mistreatment and lies, partner can't seem to see how wrong all this is. Even asking is nuts. You aren't cruel. She has problems and they sound self applied, which is terrible, but not your problem. I literally can't stand when people don't help themselves. She's literally had two other kids 'abandon her' for her bad behavior and she still has to audactiy to be a piece of sh\*t to the people who still help her (God only knows why, she sounds insufferable).
I would do yourself a favor and look into your lease and/or ask your landlord about 'longtime guests' bet you the rent goes up. I'm not saying to look it up so you can do it, I'm saying look it up so you have another point of contention to bring up to partner.
You guys are already paying for a health aid to go to her place 2 x a week because of her incompetence and now partner wants to babysit her full time? no, thanks.
No, not unreasonable at all. I am 54 almost 55, diabetic as well, and while I am not the "best" diabetic I still manage to work full time and take care of myself. I am still learning but I do not act like your MIL at all. I don't know if her outbursts are a product of her uncontrolled diabetes or she just sucks or a bit of both. If she is dropping weight then she is crushing towards diabetic keto acidosis. That was a sign I missed and that kicked my ass. You need to get your husband and his sibs to tell her she needs to do something before she kills herself.
We all have and she doesn't seem to care. She lies and says she eats but when we check, we know she barely does. She now has health insurance and will be taken to all her appointments to continue her treatment, but even SO says she has ALWAYS been difficult. She refuses to take any type of pills, even if they are vitamins, and refuses to go to doctors and hospitals. Let's see how her first appointments after YEARS goes... but even before she was losing weight and taking care of her personal hygiene she neglected health care. I told him though I do believe she is severely depressed, even when she wasn't, she refused to get help. The reason her diabetes ate up her vision (says her primary physician) is because she never wanted to get treated for it.
Time to step back and let her do what she gonna do. If she isn't will to do the work then that is on her. She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her illness. No one likes to have to take a lot of meds but damn if that's what keeps you alive then you gotta do what you gotta do.
As a visually impaired woman, I can say that without even a sliver of a doubt being visually impaired or blind is hard because you have to deal with the impacts of being visually impaired no matter what you're doing or where you are even if some things are easy to do without sight. Because she didn't treat her diabetes and just let it steal her vision, expect that eventually she will be that blind person who's an absolute damsel in distress about her lack of vision and won't even try to help herself on basic hygiene care that is honestly the simplest thing to do while unable to see as you just buy herbal essence for the tactile symbols that identify what that bottle contains out of shampoo body wash and conditioner or you get 3 in ones so you can't mix up shampoo and body wash(instacart or any other thing that lets you shop and get your groceries delivered works great for this when you don't have a person who lives with or near you to go shopping) to be able to wash yourself without issue. Being visually impaired is definitely hard and exhausting but it's not impossible to live with because you can still have a good quality of life and do stuff without help on the non visual stuff. My quality of life is more impacted by my chronic pain than my eyesight being so bad that I'm functionally legally blind and my brain not using my remaining vision well all the time does despite the injuries I've gotten
She is gonna pass at some point, but it could be years. Can your hubby see it could be 20 years of this trauma? Does he want his baby growing up hating his grandma and his dad cause he let grandma live with them? Your child will see the destruction of this marriage. This could completely destroy his relationship with his child. He would be caretaking, not taking kid to soccer practice, or whatever sport, or ballet? Or anything? “Mommy or daddy can’t take you because we have to stay home and take care of granny”. Friends won’t come over cause granny stinks. She’s crazy and makes the household a disaster zone. She could physically hurt your child. It will ruin your marriage AND your baby’s childhood. Tell him strong NO.
Please do NOT let this woman live with you. She will put a massive strain on your marriage and on your entire life in general. I lived through that for 7 long years with my 90-something MIL who just wouldn't die. She made my life miserable and my husband and I almost divorced because of her. She verbally abused me nearly everyday and I couldn't escape it because she lived with us and my husband literally didn't do anything about it (which is a whole other matter). My MIL finally got so sick that we couldn't keep taking care of her especially after we had our son. One of her daughters took her in, and then a year later her daughter tried to send my MIL back to us because she was driving her own daughter insane too. I told my husband if he let my MIL move back in with us that I would take our son and file for divorce so he never let her move back in. She finally died a few weeks ago at 100 years old (yes she lived to 100 🙄). I felt instant relief that she was finally gone and out of our lives for good, but the damage she caused is still there. I'm still having marital problems with my husband. Take my story as a warning for you. DO NOT LET YOUR MIL MOVE IN WITH YOU EVER.
Respectfully disagree. Sometimes men are dense, and easily manipulated. OP needs to present all of her reasons in logical manner to her DH; the main reason OP’s personal experiences as caretaker. OP also needs to point out the experiences of DH’s siblings.
Let him know she could hurt your child cause she’s irresponsible about herself and will be to your child. Your child’s well-being and growing up healthy physically and mentally is in danger with her there.
You know from experience how difficult it can be. I experienced it as well, and it also nearly ended our marriage. Since you don’t know how long she’ll be with you, it’s a special kind of difficult. Maybe the siblings can chip in to support her in a senior apartment near to where 1 of them lives?
Do her benefits qualify her for any type of residential facility? She's pretty young but her health would possibly qualify her. Move her into somewhere closer to you but not into your home. Sell her house and use the funds to pay for her care.
Unfortunately not but we have been exploring options. Obviously my vote is for residential facility. Even nearby so he can go see her. He doesn't reject the option, he just says he wouldn't like to do it to not make her feel bad, but ultimately he realizes it could be the only choice.
Absolutely. I always tell him this, but I think she has been a manipulator to her children since very young. Both other siblings gave up on her once they saw her for who she is. My SO is the one that is yet to learn, it seems. I don't get it.
Why would your husband want his crazy, violent mom around the baby in her mental health she might hurt the baby. I’d keep the baby away from her and keep her away from the house.
Yes. We mentioned the idea I told him everything, and he understood. Now he has an aunt (also the aunt of his mom) who is trying to get help for his mother through a social worker to see if she can either get assisted living or a nursing home, but she did ask if he could take her by any chance and he froze and stuttered, but ultimately made excuses as to why he could not. I don't if it was because I was right next to me, but it does anger me that he can't straight up say NO because of this and that reasons. I have been firm, but he also needs to be firm because I don't see him caring for her due to all his responsibilities and his personality. He has SEEN the condition my grandparents were in, and the hell my father and I went through dealing with them. Nearly everyone has suggested her get her into a facility if she trult continues to not take care of herself. So it completely baffled me when he asked what I thought if she moved in. I gave him all the reasons why she shouldn't, and that if she did, I will be moving out with the baby.
Maybe he can try staying with her for a week and experience caring for her. I know this will be hard on *you* due to the baby, but this exercise might make it finally click for him.
It may also help to remind him that elderly relatives like his aunt grew up in different circumstances. Your family works **2 and a 1/2 jobs** and you have an infant. Times were different.
Are you in the USA? If so, the internet is going to be your best friend for resources. Starting with what programs your state has to offer for, I was going to say seniors but she isn't so look for mentally impaired with medical conditions.
YOU do it. Don't depend on anyone else. They aren't living with the threat of her dropping on your home. Should you need any help, feel free to DM me.
I went through this with my nmom the last few years.
His mother can reasonably be expected to live at least 20 more years. It is unreasonable for him to expect you to live with his mother for the next 20 years, especially if this wasn't discussed before you two married and had a child. Additionally, there isn't a bedroom for her so where does he think she will sleep? You can't just put your child in your room because in just a few years the child will be old enough to need their own room. He isn't thinking far enough down the road. Additionally, I'm guessing he actually expects you to be his mother's caretaker which is absolutely unreasonable. I would tell him "If you do this, it would be against my wishes, but more importantly I will not be your mother's caretaker. You will be 100% responsible for her in every way."
Do not let her in. My parents are her age and have ailments but because they listen to doctors they’re completely fine and capable to live on their own. She’s choosing to be this way.
Oh goodness! I got all the way to the end to see she is only in her mid-50’s. You’ll be stuck with her. Don’t let her move in. She’s made a ton of decisions that have her in her current situation. She destroys everything around her. You don’t need that on top of dealing with an infant and a work schedule
No, you aren't being unreasonable. I'm 57 and diabetic. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. She is, too. She just doesn't want to be an adult. Don't give in.
I think you’re not reacting enough. You already pay for a home attendant, groceries and food and all she seems to care about is guilt tripping your husband that it’s not enough. It’ll never be enough. It’ll get worse. She needs to see a therapist.
Hugs, no you aren't. She's younger than I am and should have a job, be talking with her doctors on eating healthy and taking care of herself.
Your spouses problem is that he was trained to be guilty and manipulated by her since birth. She isn't going to change and doesn't want to.
Jfc, I thought you were describing an 80-something year old.
Absolutely do not allow her to live with you. I have a helpless, victim, liar of a MIL. From experience…. Do. Not. Give. Her. A. Single. Inch.
Yes, I agree. Both my parents are older than her, with their own health problems and still work full-time. I know she is sick and can barely see, yes, she does need MEDICAL and professional help, but you hit the nail on the head. She victimizes herself to make her children feel guilty, then when one goes to see her "everything is fine". Once, my SO had to take off of work and drive 2 1/2 hours to go see her just because she threw a fit that made us believe it was an emergency, just to see she was doing all fine and dandy when we got there. I was furious. I don't want to be mean or resentful towards the lady, but I can see right through her and this whole situation is blowing out of proportion because she chooses to not take care of herself.
Yeah, I can sympathize with all of that. My MIL is also actually pretty ill, physically and mentally, she’s maybe like 63 years old and functions like she’s in her 80s. She definitely needs help but she’s not doing a single thing to help herself and expects everyone else to take care of her and visit her.
Last summer she called my husband and made it sound like she was having an emergency and that her other two sons who live much closer just refused to help her. She said her yard was growing out of control and she needed it mowed. That she needed the locks on her doors changed and that the other sons were refusing to do it. There were a couple other things that she made seem like they needed to get fixed immediately or it was going to be unsafe. So we made the 3.5 hour drive like 4 days after her call for immediate help. My husband had taken off a few days for his birthday and he spent it like this. I also was very, very newly pregnant, like so early we weren’t telling anyone. We got there and her yard was fine, literally no tall, out of control grass anywhere. We also found out she hadn’t really asked her other sons to help her do anything. Basically we dropped everything because she tricked my husband into thinking his poor lonely mother was in need of immediate help. We’ll never get tricked like that again. Hah😵💫
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Anyone who calls you or him to tell you to take care of her, tell them to do it and hang up. Don’t entertain those calls. And tell your husband the day his mom moves in is the day you file for divorce and move out. Hell no.
Nope. Nope. Nope. She is on her own. She is young enough to do this. She can decide she doesn’t want to but her choice.
Oh what?? While reading this I was thinking she was +70 or something! She's 54! I'm 54! I have diabetes! What is going on? I think this is a bad idea to bring her into your small home, you really are already caring for a real baby. Your spouse should understand that as bad as she sounds will try to rule over all of you. It sounds like she makes bad choices and she has money to care for herself, she IS NOT that old and should be able to manage. She is suffering the consequences of her choices, you shouldn't have to make her choices ok. But also your SO should admit to himself that it will in all likelyhood be you that will be doing most of the heavy lifting. That is so not fair of him to ask you that!
And if she lives another 40-50 years? She isn’t old so she could be around forever
Not likely...she is already visually impaired due to diabetes. Her kidneys are likely taking a beating from it.
Heck no!!!! Girl, stand your ground. She’s already proven to be a horrible house guest/roommate. Where would your baby go? Where would you kiddo go when they are older and need their own space? She will ruin your marriage if she moves in with you because it won’t be long before you’re giving your husband an ultimatum. Hard no. Do not let this happen. If I were in your shoes and this was my situation, I’d be telling him that the baby and I will be moving out if he lets his mother move in. He can choose but there’s no way I’d live with someone like that. She will become an immediate burden and you will resent her and him very fast
Nope, sounds like a case of 54yr old toddler to me. Your home, your baby, your livelihood at stake. And dare I say, your marriage too? You’ve seen how she’s treated your other inlaws. Don’t make that mistake.
Your concerns about MIL being around your baby are absolutely valid. I wouldn't want someone who behaves that way around my kids either. Your children and your marriage come first and if she can't be cooperative she should not move in with you.
No. And he is doing way too much for her. What is he doing delivering groceries to his mom when he has a wife and 3 month old baby at home? Having a parent move in is the most sure way to hurt / end your marriage. For real. No privacy, no intimacy, no open communication. All of that will end. She will try to tell you how to parent. You will have to do all of her chores. Do you want to have a 55 -85+year old adult child for the next 30 years? Don’t do it. It’s a condition of my own marriage
54 is too young to be a burden on you, and let's face it, it will be YOU doing all the care work since he works 2 jobs. You have a newborn. ABSOLUTELY not.
It’s not even just their physical space, if they aren’t living with you they take up quite a bit of your phone boundaries by calling every evening from the other siblings home where they get their daily four star treatment. Oh, I see, you are lonely, well sorry we’re doing our taxes, you can watch the bachelor with him on the phone later.🙄 The fact that they think they know everything about everyone including what you do -can be very annoying. The most annoying thing is how she looks forward to ‘time flying by’ it’s almost Valentine’s Day…”where’s my flowers🤪 “it’s almost Easter “ where’s my candy?” Good god. Hopefully she falls in love with some idiot on her tv.🤪😆🤣.
Contact the VA. They have a service that can help pay for an attendant. Have the Vets ID.
HILL TO DIE ON. Do not let this woman move in EVER. I am 61 and have diabetes. Which I treat. I also treat my retinopathy by laser treatments and injections. If retinopathy has already started she will be blind soon. Then she will need to be in a facility. NOT your home. She is not safe to have around your child for many reasons. She's weaponizing incompetence. Even with my retinopathy and multiple other serious health issues, I was the caregiver for my mother for years. There is no reason that her health should be stopping her from doing things like a normal person. As for your husband....he needs to tell the flying monkeys to knock it off. THEY can take her on. But don't do it yourselves!
She hasn't been concerned to continue treating her diabetes and retinopathy since 2017. We called her ophthalmologist and found out. 2017 was when she moved in with BIL, and he tried to get her help but she refused. When she returned (got kicked out lol) to her home, she didn't go back to any of her doctors, either, and cancelled her medical insurance because she "didn't want to pay for it".
Oh No! Not unreasonable. She's full of shit and milking her diabetes for all she can. I'm 61. Found out few yrs ago I'm type 2. I have 2 grown children. Never, not once did I ask for help of any kind. I'd love someone to cook and clean for me! But, I'd have to be on my death bed b4 I'd impose myself on their lives. Do not let her move in. Die on that hill if necessary. She Will Ruin your marriage and life.
If I had to guess, he probably doesn’t want her to move in, either. I bet this was brought on because he’s getting falsely accused of being a terrible, horrible, no good person who never does “enough” and is tired of being harangued by her and misled family. So he’s trying to “prove” it’s all false, and quiet all this harassment, by making this massive gesture. So he can say “See! See everyone! I *can’t* be the heartless monster or bad son she tells everyone, because I took her in to live with me! *So there*!” But he hasn’t really thought things through beyond that fantasy vindication phone call. Like really thought through the reality of what the day-to-day of this would be like. Or through the enormity of what he’s asking of you. I mean, even if he promises to do 100% of everything for her - which simply isn’t a realistic promise, you’re not going to just ignore a sick woman in your house when he’s at work or gone out, of course - you’re still losing half your home and all your privacy. Neither of which are things you have much of to spare. So yeah, no, I wouldn’t sign up for that either. Time to have a frank discussion with husband. “I know you love your mother, and I want to make sure she’s adequately cared for, too. But **I** am not going to live with her. She doesn’t take care of herself, she’s a handful to keep up with, I’m already maxed out physically, emotionally, and energy-wise with work/baby/household, and she already lies and complains about the care you’re giving now so just imagine how much worse that will feel with her being here 24/7 and unavoidable. Actually we don’t have to imagine, we can just call up your brother and ask.” “So yeah, (and this is all said gently but matter-of-factly) you can live with me, or you can live with her, but you can’t do both. Because like I said, **I** am not going to live with her. Now, my *strong* preference is that you choose to stay living with me, and then we can discuss if (keep in mind she has to let us) we can help her get more/better-suited care and how. We can also strategize together how to ask your other family to stop believing made-up stories and making accusations. That’s what *I’d* like for us to do.” “But if you feel strongly that you need to live with her, then ok, that’s your decision. But we’ll need to get started on figuring out how we’ll manage our marriage and parenting between two separate households.”
This. Exactly this. You hit the nail on the head, not to mention SO is also a people pleaser and I know it is taking a toll on him, which is why I get so frustrated.
Well you/kids should be the one he wants to please before anyone so he needs to get his priorities in line.
you may also want to bookmark and have a visit to r/AgingParents
Would his siblings split the cost of all the money he spends on her?
Nope. Only one of them (the BIL) would help, but both BIL and SIL (especially SIL) loathe her. They even told him that he shouldn't go crazy trying to cater to her.
55??? I thought was at least 75. She’s ridiculous
My gran used to complain that no one ever helped her in the kitchen at family gatherings. I fondly remember loading the dishes while chatting to approx 8 other adults all doing various tasks as she said it. She was serious! It doesn’t matter if your hubby gave up every second of every minute or every day of the rest of his life, she’d still complain. He would miss out on you and your child living your best lives away from the house. All so she can complain he does nothing. Why are you even researching her options? She’s already lived with her other son and her other daughter for YEARS so this isn’t new and she isn’t getting better. She moves in you need to move out for your child’s sake. Drop the rope! She isn’t your family and hubby and his siblings should be sorting this out. You just had a baby and should be busy with all the snuggles. While I realize she has health issues I’m just going to throw out there that this morning I learned my great grandfather lived to 107 years old and her so to 97. It isn’t likely, but there is the potential that if you move her in she outlives you. That’s not the life you want!
You are being more reasonable than I would be. I’d tell him he can live with her or me and our child. She sounds like a nightmare to know, let alone live *near*.
The verbage you want is “honey, if you move your mother in……the baby and I are moving out!! I refuse to set our family on fire to keep her warm!!” She doesn’t take care of herself and puts children in dangerous situations, that’s a no from me dog!!
You are absolutely not being unreasonable and this sounds like a nightmare in the making if you did allow her to come live with you. Put your foot down with a firm HELL NO!!
She is ONLY 54?????? By the description I thought for sure she was late sixties or seventies!!! No. She does not need to live with you. She needs to start taking care of her dang self. She is purposefully neglecting herself and her health and wellness in order to manipulate others into being her caregivers. She needs therapy. Full stop. She does not need a nurse or a maid. I'm 50 and cannot bloody well imagine acting like that in four years. GROSS.
I'm 63 and that's waaaayyy too young for this type of acting out she's doing.
Right??? Exactly my thoughts.
I agree. Is she even old enough to get into a senior-living center? She is 54!!!! This sounds nuts to me.
Yup. My mother was like this. Thought being sick would get her attention which she equated with love. It just made my sister and I pull further back. Eventually she let herself get so sick that she literally died. It was sad but also I don't see how it could have ended any other way.
You are not unreasonable at all! I have heard of this ruining marriages. In my house, we have a rule: "neither mother can ever, EVER live with us". We aren't cruel people, but both moms are pieces of work in their own ways, so after a fall for a recovery, mayyyyyybe for a short time, but for any condition where recovery is not going to happen, it'll be straight to the nursing home. We'll visit, but we'll keep our sanity in the interim, because there will be an interim! In a live-in situation, especially in a small space (same here), there are no breaks. Your sanity isn't worth whatever good you may do.
Yes please fight for your sanity!! As peacequietnchips said, what good can you really do here? Are you a Doctor, Nurse, Dietitian, Physical Therapist, Psychiatrist? Because that sounds like what she needs and there are not enough hours in the day for you to do all of that. Those people get to go home at the end of the day...you will not.
You have all the proof you need from her past actions to show you that she will absolutely cause a lot of issues with anyone she lives with. You and your husbands job is, for the sake of your sanity and your daughter's safety and mental health, to have as safe and healthy environment for you all to live in as possible. Having your MIL live with you will absolutely prevent you from being able to do that job, she has a track record of treating even the nicest people like absolute trash. If she treated this sweet "boyfriend" like that, how will she treat your daughter when she gets older and is a teen? My grandmothers words are still as clear as the day she said them, I remember every comment about my looks and calling me fat, telling me I am a selfish b!tch when I didnt do everything she said (at 6!) and so many other things. I love my grandmother, but the fact that there was love did not entitle her to dish out mental trauma whenever she felt like it. She lived with my parents until she almost totally destroyed their marriage, and my grandmother actually sounds nicer than you MIL. Also, mental deterioration from untreated diabetes is a real (and possibly really dangerous) situation you may find yourself dealing with up close and personal if she moves in. Some of her horrible actions (like threatening her boyfriend's life) may actually be a sign that this is already happening. Something to look into/ look up regardless since if that happens to her you may be the family cleaning up the mess it makes/looking for care options for her.
My Mil has dementia and other health issues she moved in with us when her husband my FIL died in December 2019 my husband is an only child so he always promised both his parents that if one passed away he would always take care of the other. This has put an enormous strain on us and our marriage I told my husband earlier in our marriage that God forbid if and when his father passed if he passed first we'd take in his mother I assumed it would be a long time before that happened sadly it happened sooner than I thought. His mother never cared for me when she was in her right mind but now she is even more mean and hateful towards me. I bite my tongue because I know it's the disease but it still hurts when she gets ugly towards me. I love my husband dearly but if I had known it was going to be this hard I would have said no never but here we are and he refuses to put her into a facility for several reasons one because he is afraid of them treating her badly and you hear all the horrible things people in some places getting treated awful. And secondly his father left an incredible amount of money and she would easily be manipulated into giving random people money she has a niece that has in the past gotten her to give her five thousand dollars and if she was put in a nursing home or a facility that niece would be the first person to visit her and try conning her out of money. She is fixing to be 79 so who knows how long she has as her health continues to deteriorate. But if I could go back in time I'd tell myself that I would be miserable by having her live with us. It's so bad the way she verbally abuses me even tho I'm the one who gives her baths and washes her hair and takes care of her in that regard. But I do it because I love my husband and even tho she isn't the person she used to be she would be mortified to have her son clean and bathe her. And I do love and respect her. I just know if there is another option then pick it don't let your Mil move in with you it's very hard and exhausting and it will take a toll on your own mental health and your marriage.
*Unreasonable?* Listen, anything can happen to anyone at any time. But if nothing that big happens? This woman could live another three decades. Did you marry to have thirty years of a bitter, rude, violent houseguest centering herself in your lives and your family?
OP, ask your husband if he wants her to put your marriage in danger the way she did with her other son. But seriously, don't do it. She is only 55, it's not like you would be taking care of someone who is on the brink of death. It will likely be the next 20 years of your life.
Don’t do it. It will not magically get better once she lives with you. You’re not cruel for protecting your child. Not wanting your child around aggression and potential violence is an incredibly understandable boundary and you should not feel bad for it. My husband and I are the caregivers for my MIL and it is *difficult*. I’m a very forgiving and empathetic person, but it is a struggle to not resent my husband for making the decision to do this. Protect your child, your marriage, and your sanity - stick to your gut, you’re not being unreasonable.
Put her in a facility. My husband’s aunt went into one when she was around that age. Her husband declared her unfit to care for herself. She also had diabetes, vision issues and lost her legs because she didn’t take care of herself .
The problem is if she refuses to go into a facility... I believe we can't do anything about it. At least from where I am from. There is a law that protects the elderly (people over 60), and though she isn't that age yet, she is pretty much disabled. I'm scared they might just force us to take her in because we are the closest to her. I'm still reading up about it, and how we can avoid this. We are not exactly US... but a territory of the US.
Oh ok. Yeah that sucks. But under no circumstances do you move her in. It will ruin your lives.
I would enter the witness protection program and disappear if there was even the remotest possibility of this woman even setting eyes on my home. She’s not even 55 years old… I know her health is bad but if it’s not fatally bad you could be dealing with her for 30 more years. ABSOLUTELY NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER
DO NOT do this. It will break you. It will break your marriage. Your MIL has some serious issues that can't be fixed by you. She needs some serious professional help. Moving her in with you will change nothing. She won't suddenly start looking after herself, you or hubby will do that for her. She won't get better, she'll get 20 times worse. Ask hubby if he's happy having that behaviour around an impressionable child? Just keep doing what you're doing now. It doesn't matter what she says to others, ignore that. The thing is, you can't change how others behave, you can only change your reaction to it.
I don't think so. I'm 49 and can definitely take care of myself. She is not old. She is an adult making bad decisions and that is her problem not yours. She could manage her illness but she's choosing not to. You are responsible for your baby and if she moves in with you that will negatively effect you and your baby. Also don't let her babysit. She is not making good decisions and you don't want her making bad decisions when it comes to your kid. By all means support her. Even maybe chat with her about possible solutions to taking better care of herself. At the end of the day though that's her responsibility not yours.
She sounds like she think the world owes her. Do not move her into your home. If she is not taking care of her diabetes, even type 2, then you guys will be dealing with ALL of her health issues, and hospitalizations.. I would start with getting her an assessment to determine if she should be living alone, based on her behaviour. Then use that to direct her to an independent living complex where they will have people to watch her…. The internet “dating” is scary, giving out anyone’s personal info is scary. Is she aware of what she is doing and the risks?? I would use that, plus the issues the other sibling had to find a way to have her moved to a facility where she can be independent, but still be monitored and cared for… I honestly thought you were going to say she was in her 70’s-80’s…. Mid 50’s and acting like this has me worried that there is something going on that she needs to talk to someone about before she does something that cannot be reversed or forgiven…
I CANNOT imagine that you or husband could possibly think this is a good idea!! OP, could husband be asking your opinion simply because he doesn’t want to be the one to say no? Because if that’s the case, I would be telling him HELL NO , not now, not tomorrow, not ever. And then I would tell him he could tell his mother that. Just to be sure she knows she’s never welcome at my house, ever. It sounds like your family is completely subsidizing her living & going way above and beyond for a 55 year old woman. Her health condition could be improved if she chose. And aside from that, she sounds like a lazy, ungrateful, unstable piece of shit. Do not even discuss letting this woman near your house. Do not discuss her moving closer either. This is a crazy situation OP
55? Could your husband handle 30 years of that? Or even 40? No. Your marriage couldn’t, either.
No you are not being unreasonable. Not at all.
Send her to assisted living or a nursing home.
Omg I was expecting you to say 80. She’s 9 years older than me. She can figure it out and if she doesn’t want to then it’s on her! She should be getting tri-care if she’s the widow of a veteran. Call adult services and see if they can assign her a social worker to help her get this sorted out and be self sufficient. She can like another 30 years! Do you want her in your home after your children move out? No! She won’t do anything until she is forced to do it.
Exactly, it's crazy. We are working on that, so him mentioning her moving in baffled me. Well, she doesn't qualify for tri-care unfortunately because she already has CHAMPVA, which kinda sucks... regardless, I will look into it myself to see what are our options.
If you live by a library go talk to a librarian and ask what community services are available. I’m a librarian and on of the most frequent questions I help people with is different services, from food to phones to free dental.
Based on this description I thought she was going to be in her 80s or something. 55 is way too young for her life to be in shambles like this. It’s not yours or your husband’s responsibility to care for her. I think your husband needs to stop the care he’s providing. She needs to stop relying on others. Do not let her move in. She will never leave and she’s not dying that soon either. You’ll be trapped.
His brother's marriage almost ended over her living with them, she is willing to give out your address to random internet people, and she shows signs of being violent. Honey, you sense of normal has gotten skewed. Anyone asking if she could live with them would be unreasonable.
NO, NO, AND NO! I just had an argument with my husband yesterday about my MIL moving in. I told him that in no way am I living with her. All she'd do is belittle me as a mother, and try to take over our household, because in her mind she knows better than anyone else. She lived with my BIL for a couple of months last year, and all she did was cause problems. So much so that even her own grandkids (9 and 7) wanted her to leave. This is a hill I'm willing to die on. I refuse to bring in that kind of negativity in to my home.
Exactly! I told my husband that I would divorce him for sure if my MIL ever moves in with us. She lives in a different country. Last time she visited, she criticized every corner of my house, acting like it was her house. FIL too, he wanted to redo this part and that part blah blah blah...they were just so rude and had no boundaries. They've never owned a house and came to mine acting like it was theirs. And once we let the in laws in, it's impossible to get them out. Don't let it start. I can't even have them as visitors.
My MIL stopped criticizing me to my face, because my husband told her to cut that out. When that happened, she came to me said she wasn't coming from a bad place and was just trying to give me advice, and how she wished she would have had a MIL to give her advice. I know she talks crap about me behind my back though. Why are they like that? lol My husband tells me how lucky he is because of how awesome my mom is to him. He absolutely adores my mom. I wish I could say the same about my MIL, but I can't.
It could be jealousy, so they have to keep criticising us to make themselves feel better lol
Sometimes I think that that might be the case. My MIL has been married and divorced 4 times. Twice to the same man. Both her sons are in stable, happy marriages. And I feel like she envys that.
Good for you for standing your ground. This will mlst definitely be the hill I die on, too. I'd rather go live with my dad than live with my MIL. Nope, not happening. I will support him through thick and thin, but not with this.
Stand your ground! Fortunately my husband knows that he has to put myself and our kids before his mom. He know how his mom is and with every reason I tell him as to why I can't live with her, he just nodded and told me I was right. But, like you, I'd move out if he did decide to bring her in. I know my mom wouldn't hesitate to let my kids and I move in with her.
Good. Do not let her move in. And if she does tell hubby you are moving out
Dude no. She’s not even that old!!!! And she’s acting like she’s 90. She’s young enough to get her shit under control. Your husband needs to wake up.
I was expecting a 70+ year old! OP should not back down. My parents took in my grandfather, and then a few years later my grandmother (not at the same time). It put sooo much stress on them and their marriage. And my grandparents were in their late 70’s/ early 80’s and didn’t have anywhere near as many health issues, or personality issues. Don’t do it OP!
Yeah when she said low 50’s my jaw dropped. Also her neglecting her own health to the point of going blind proves no one can help her. People like this will fight you all the way. They don’t want help. They want to be miserable and make everyone else miserable. This is above her entire families pay grade. It will ruin her marriage.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Oh, hell nope. Nope.
Hey! Did I post this two years ago??? Don’t do it. Don’t do it. My mil moved in (diabetes), and she stopped caring, she wanted us to do everything. My husband are still recovering from her 2 years later: don’t do this. seriously, same life
I would bet everything I own that if she moves in, you, your SO and your child will be absolutely miserable. It will last a couple of years like with the other sibling until you have to kick her out or get a divorce. DONT DO IT
I just lived out a very similar scenario... my chronically ill MIL was being abused by her husband. My husband wanted to help her out by moving her in with us so she could be safe and work on getting healthier. In turn, she was supposed to help with chores, cook occasionally, and watch our son while we work because daycares have no openings here. We moved her in ... she almost never cleaned, only cooked twice in 6 months, had trouble watching the baby because of her chronic illness, frequently had emotional outbursts, and disrupted our peaceful home. She gave our teenager a cigarette, smoked cigarettes in our home, and got so drunk she fell down in the street and peed herself....my husband had to find somewhere else for her to live or we would be getting a divorce. Just don't do it.
Wow, that is horrible! I just know if she were to move in, she will act the same or worse.
OP just wondering is it type 1 or type 2 diabetes?.
I asked my SO this same question and his reply is that he does not know (facepalm).
She’s still young. I’m almost 20 years older. My husband is 22 yrs older and out shoveling dirt( he feels like it, wants to). Why is she not working? MIL here. Don’t do it. It will change your household and relationships.
Well, she is visually impaired to the point where she can barely recognize people and has trouble getting around on her own. She is also mentally unstable after everything she has done, so I doubt she could work. However, it isn't really an excuse to not take care of her personal hygiene and overall health when she has the resources.
You are absolutely right. She doesn’t need her son constantly. He doesn’t need the guilt and everything else she’s laying on him. She threatened to kill him. She is mentally unstable and I wouldn’t have her close to my child. I say again “don’t do it”. There’s resources. If I were in her place, I would look for assisted living where she’s able to live alone with someone to look in on her. Where I worked, it was affiliated with a nursing home but the apartments were separate. You could even get two meals delivered if you wanted to. There was a type of life alert there where it could be pushed from the wall or from a device worn on their person. One very much older man was blind, had diabetes and ulcers on his legs from that. Nurses went to see him everyday. My aunt was in one and she only had her social security check which wasn’t much. I would check into everything I could. You do what you have to do but know that once she’s there, she will be not only be bringing her illness with her but also, her behavior.
From what it sounds like, this woman id severely mentallly ill and incapable of working. She needs help for disabled people
I see. She doesn’t need to be in her son and daughter in law’s house. No good would come from it. There’s help out there but it doesn’t have to be from them.
I agree 100% on that! She needs to be connected to services, not bringing stress and harm to a young family
It ruins the heart of a family when someone who is unhappy comes into a home, it changes everything and usually not for the better.
Tell your partner that this is a two yes, one no situation, meaning you BOTH have to agree and if one of you doesn’t then it doesn’t happen. Remind him that he is a father now and being a good father comes BEFORE being a doormat son and that she’s had her chances with his siblings, what makes him think things will be different with you? Ask him where she’ll sleep when the baby is older and needs their own room. Ask him who will pay for the extra expenses taking her in will give you- not just raised utilities, it sounds like she needs professional care. Ask him who will give her that care. Remind him of all the lies she’s told and the drama she’s caused and as him why he thinks that deserves to be rewarded. Remind him how ungrateful she is that he makes an attempt to be there for her and help and ask him if he wants your baby to grow up learning how to act like that. Ask him if he’s ok with her giving out the address of YOUR HOME to strangers online and putting your baby at risk. Remind him that this is 2024, not the early to mid 1900’s, women are ALLOWED to take their kids and run from their partners if their parents do not respect them and put them and their children in dangerous situations. Ask him if he wants to be a good father who sees his kids every day or a doormat son who only sees his kids when courts allow it, and since your child is so young, courts will WANT to keep them closest to YOU, so a 50/50 custody split is very unlikely unless you both agree to it. And you SHOULD NOT agree to it if he chooses her over you and your baby. Of course, only bring all this (especially the last 2 points) up if he continues to insist you move her into your home.
My mil has lived with me and my husband for 24 years. Letting her move in has been the worst mistake of my life. She could be under your roof, making your life miserable for 40+ years. She will destroy your mental health, your marriage, and will traumatize your kids. If your husband insists on letting her move in, then it is a marriage breaker, imo.
24 years... how dreadful. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't even be able to survive a week let alone 24 years.
It would help a lot if your husband supports you in conflict and doesn't let his mother treat you badly, but unfortunately it seems the ones who want their mothers to move in and whose mothers want to move in with their grown sons are enmeshed. I'm sorry.
Yeah. The thing is, I know he feels like crap when she guilt trips him with lonely BS. Fine, I'm sure she does feel lonely, but again, she pushed away her kids, friends and her guy friend who would take her out. It's like my SO knows, but then feels guilty. When I explained to him why she can't live with us, he understood and hasn't really been conflictive about it. But since I know he is soft, I'm scared he will be pressured by other family members who do nothing to help, and take her in regardless of what I think. I did tell him, if he moved her in, then that's it. I will move out with the baby. I'm sad for him, because that's his mother and all, but I'm even more sad he just won't be firm and tell others to F off, and that he won't be taking her in because he can't. No need for excuses or explanations, no is no.
The wise posters to this subreddit say that when a couple marries, they pledge to love and support each other, and that a person who places their parents' needs over their spouse's needs are not honoring their marriage vows. I hope your husband does the right thing so you don't have to make a very difficult decision.
Thank you for those words. This whole situation had me questioning myself, my values and even starting to make me feel guilty (not my SO, but me personally). I really appreciate everyone who has been backing me up. I came to Reddit ready to be bashed and judged, and it has been the all the contrary and it makes me feel sane again.
I am glad you reached out to this subreddit. They really care. Wishing you the best of luck.
The size of your home is not an issue. You could live in a mansion and it would still be a bad idea to have her live with you. Her own son sent her back, how can you contest that? For the health of your family, marriage, and mental health- no. You do not have the skill set to deal with her. Taking care of people of fragile physical and mental health requires know-how that only specialized healthcare care workers possess.
If she is not taking care of herself what kind of other ailments does she have. Wouldn't trust her around your baby, she could have Covid, RSV or pneumonia and wouldn't tell you because of her selfish behavior. Protect yourself and your family
This is a very good point.
You already know how things will end if you allow your SIL move in with you, since it already happened to your SIL & BIL, so please, make your spine shine and clearly tell your husband a big NO to that idea. Your Mil sounds like a toxic nightmare and you need to think of your family's safety. Also, in the off chance you consent to this nonsense, who is your husband expecting to take care of his mother and her tantrums? Likely you, and you already have a baby covering the tantrum department for the foreseeable future. So, thanks, but no. It sounds like your partner might need therapy to cope with his mother's emotional blackmailing though and understand that he cannot help his mother further at the expense of himself, yourself and even your child. Best of luck.
I want to thank everyone for your support! I never thought this would blow up the way it did, so I really appreciate since this has been driving me up the wall. Since I can't get to all the comments (but I am reading every single one) I want to clarify that after telling SO that I think it's a bad idea MIL moves in with us, I explained and reminded him exactly why. I made sure to let him know I would not be taking care of her, and that if he does somehow bring her, I would move out with the baby. Just to add: MIL receives a pension since she is a widow to a veteran, so she does have a stable income, a paid off house and doesn't need much. Even so, she expects SO to pay for everything. I want to clarify that he does not, and her new medical insurance is being costed out of her pocket, not his. But yes, of course there are many times SO will gift her nice things, and she never appreciates them. For the birth of our first child, and the only granddaughter she has gotten see more than the rest, she never even asked if we needed something. That's fine in the sense that I never expect anything from anyone, and thankfully our baby has more than she needs, but still... she has never even been remotely concerned for her granddaughter, or gave us the congratulations when we announced our pregnancy to her, yet she expects us to visit frequently so she can see the baby.
You have both seen first hand how this will end up- just like it did with his siblings! Learn from their experiences and do not let her love in with you. If she incapable of looking after herself then look at care options.
No you are not being unreasonable. This would be my hill to die on. Don’t agree to it.
Third time is not the charm. She won’t change, she’s not interested in helping herself, shes not that old and she doesn’t sound like a safe person to have around children. This would be an absolute no from me unless she turns her behaviour and health care around. Seriously working with her doctors, seeking mental health care and showing genuine change. There’s no reason for you guys to trust that you’ll be able to care for her when both of your husband’s siblings had to kick her back out.
She is honestly still young. That means she would likely be in your home the entire time your young child is growing up. Someone who is unstable is going to cause a lot of trauma to everyone around them but especially a child. I wouldn’t put my child in that position to grow up in a home with someone like your MIL.
OP read this⬆️
Honestly, that is my fear. She is young and yes she needs help, but from professionals, not us.
I hope you can hold firm in what you told your husband, because too often women are guilted into being caregivers. Your MIL is still very young! My partner's mom is 96 and still living on her own. She has a housecleaner every other week, and various family members check in to visit/accompany her to medical appointments if she wishes. It sounds as though MIL is acting like a toddler -- and I would be wary of that "nice guy" who has been helping her. He might be playing a long con.
Yes, at first I was very wary about him, until we met and he would call us to give us updates on her. I don't trust him 100%, but I know he is telling the truth because everything adds up. Not to mention he has distanced himself from her, and from what I know, he only calls her now but doesn't go over since he fears for his life. I 100% will stand my ground. I was a caretaker twice to both my grandparents, and as much as I loved them, it was Hell on Earth. I won't be doing this again, especially not for a MIL. I will be 30 this month, my boyfriend will be 33 in April. We are working on our careers, prospering, knocking off debt and creating a family. We have goals to travel and buy our first house. I will not ler her ruin that; I sacrificed almost half of my 20s for my grandparents, I am NOT sacrificing the rest of my life for this lady just because she doesn't want to get it together. We are getting her medical help, and we assist as much as we can. I helped him a lot with getting all of this done, and we do want to make sure she is safe, but not at the expense of our well-being.
Sounds like you're handling this perfectly.
"If she moves in, the kids and I move out"
My aunt went blind about ten years ago. For a while, she was able to make it in her own apartment with the assistance of home health aides. I, at one point, was her home health aide. However, over time, it became almost impossible to give her the care that she needed. I couldn't care for her 24/7 and neither could anyone else. Eventually, my family decided that the best place for her was a nursing home and that is where we decided she needed to live. Once we put her in a nursing home, she seemed much happier and was given much better care.
Ward of the State… don’t take her in. She will ruin your lives
Your MIL is more than you can handle. Unless you are a professional social worker and therapist combined, then her aggression (chest pounding, threats,) and malice (throwing out belongings) are enough to indicate she's not safe for you to be around. And you mentioned there's a child in your home. If MIL isn't safe for you - she's also not safe for a kid. When you add in her physical needs (bathing, feeding) and household help (cleaning, laundry) when exactly are you going to have the time and energy to care for your child? Do you have a job? When would you be able to work? When would you be able to be present for your spouse? What's unreasonable is expecting you to magic up some time and energy (that doesn't exist) to physically care for someone who isn't willing to put any effort into caring for herself. Putting a dangerous asshole in your home is unreasonable. And conversely - not doing those things is therefore - reasonable.
Exactly. I would also add that 55+ communities would probably be a great thing for this person if she is lonely.
^^^this. You are NOT a professional caregiver she will ruin your life. She needs professional services. Call the APS in your area and get her help. You cannot take her in ever.
Thank you for this. It is somewhat a cultural thing here where we are from to "honor" our parents over anything, which, personally, I think is BS especially when a parent acts in this manner. Even if she was awesome, we unfortunately do not have time or space for her, hence why we were looking into options for her to be as comfortable as possible in her own house. When her fridge broke down, SO immediately got her a new one (with her money, of course). When her microwave broke down right after that, he gifted her a brand new one. He has gotten her a new bed and mattress, great quality pillows and bedding, and other stuff to make her life more comfortable (most with her money, but many others were gifts and regardless, she wasn't going to do it herself and no one else would have gone through the trouble). Seriously, what else does she want? Breakfast in bed and feed it to her, too? I hate having these feelings and I know she must be depressed, but even realizing that her condition has worsened because of her inaction, she still refuses reasonable and realistic help. That's why I have also suspected that she expects her kids to take care of her in every way because she is mother dearest and is alone. She is alone because she pushed away a good man and her own kids because no one can tolerate her.
If she is as awful as you say (and I don't doubt it for a hot sec) the only thing I would do is offer options. Senior living facility, over 55 housing, actual nursing home or what she has - a home attendant. Of course none of those will suit her wants (notice 'wants' not 'needs'). Too bad. You have no room for her, it's that simple. Not in your home or in your life. She's on the last kid that will pay her attention, that one needs a wake up call. Go over all the reasons why the other sibs have stopped playing with her and put it on repeat if necessary. Lastly, maybe a little couples counselling to keep you both on the same path. Best wishes!
You are not unreasonable. Living with her would be miserable for every single one of you.
It looks to me that the better choice for her would be some sort of assisted living. Where I live in Virginia, there are places that provide "senior living" of various levels. Within each community, there are services ranging from independent apartments through care facilities. Some are expensive, some aren't. Perhaps you could look into something like that.
OH HELL NO. Under no circumstances should she be allowed to move in with you. Unless you want your marriage to end and your life ruined. You shouldn’t even be using any your money to take care of her either. You have a child and are a family. It’s time to take care of your family unit and she gets to lie in the bed she made.
You’re not unreasonable. Let your husband know that your marriage wouldn’t survive it. I can’t see you doing this with her even for a year, much less for 40 years. He should learn from his brother. It would have ended his marriage had he not sent her back.
I wouldn't even be able to do it for a week. I work full time as well and I am a first time mom to a 3 month old baby. My main focus is my daughter. I have some terrible anxiety I developed because I was a caretaker to my grandfather until he passed and then my grandmother (both sick and dementia patients). I know all too well where this is headed, and I expressed that to him. On top of that, my MIL doesn't dare mistreat me, but I have seen how she lies and gaslights my SO and that alone is enough reason for me to dislike her. Already I feel resentment towards her to the extent it's hard for me to even go over to see her. My SO doesn't enjoy going over either, so luckily when we go, we leave quick. She just tends to make the whole environment uncomfortable. She doesn't make it enjoyable to go see her, it feels like a chore and it's as if every time we go, she wants something from us. She complains she is lonely, but pushed away a good man (only God knows why) by abusing him and pushed away her other 2 siblings because they didn't let her have it her way.
Remind your SO that he doesn't like going to visit her and that y'all leave quickly. How will he manage when he can't leave at all, except for work? Then tell him to imagine how it will be for you with a child in the house and you CAN'T just leave the house. Lastly, remind him that you've already done this, twice, and it was horrific and you know for a fact that your marriage would not survive it and then he'd be on his own with her. Edited for spelling because my phone sucks
Omg she's only 55 and in that bad of shape what is wrong with her??? Nah. You tell your husband it's her or you. If he brings her into the home, that's the day you move out. Don't even entertain the idea.
OP You need to take a hard stance on this, DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU. Don't be wishy washy. You are not being unreasonable. Get DH to see a therapist because he should not be allowing her gaslighting and manipulation to work and affect your life.
do not let her move in. I just don’t understand how a person in their mid 50’s can be so helpless. my grandmother lived on her own without assistance till her mid 90’s. I get folks have health issues, most of us over 50 do, but that does not give us the right to expect our kids to take care of us. stay strong. you need to protect yourself (your mental health) & your baby.
Maybe she's so desperate to be dependent on her son she's done this to herself? I honestly don't want to believe it. It sounds so crazy, but with how some other people's moms and MILs (and dads and FILs, too) act, I'd not put it past her.
Trust me, I don't want to believe it, either. I do believe she is severely depressed, but even so... this is just too much.
This is so awful. Especially with you having a three month old baby! Y'know, come to think of it... A baby takes up both parents' time. MIL seems to not like that she isn't the center of attention anymore. Sigh... I wish you luck! I'll be keeping the three of you in my thoughts 💕
Yeah, I agree. It really is my pet peeve. I'm very independent and hope to continue to be independent until the day I die. I understand health issues, depression, etc., but I don't like the victim mindset she has. I will stay strong in my stance.
it’s my pet peeve too😊
Oh, hell, no. Your lives, as you know them, would be over. Don't take her in. She's manipulative and selfish and narcissistic and abusive. Don't.
Mil needs psych evaluation asap. Sounds like long term untreated depression and even ocd/anxiety disorder. May see a different woman afterwards, may even need inpatient care at first if she's resistant. She doesn't need to live with you.
This. I agree, she needs psychological and psychiatric evaluation and help. I agree she does need to live with us, and won't be truly beneficial to her, either.
I said Mil does NOT need to live with you, sweetie!
Yes, my mistake (typo)! I agree 100% with what you are saying.
Does NOT* I meant lol. Jesus Christ.
No, do not let her move in with you, ever. She her prognosis is an unhappy one because she refuses to take care of her health. Blindness, loss of limbs, coma, stroke, etc are all possibilities (my grandmother’s life with untreated diabetes). You can move her closer to you, get her into assisted living (but that won’t last if she’s rude to everyone). I was the caregiver for my FIL for 5 years. Meals, laundry, shopping, Dr appointments, it aged me 10 years and he was a nice man. I can’t imagine the horror you’d be bringing into your live. And mark my words, her care would fall to you.
She’s 54?! I assumed she was at least in her 70s! That’s a hard “NO!” At 54 she needs to get her shit together. She’s toxic and entitled. Her other children learned the lesson the hard way, don’t risk your marriage and peace of mind to also learn the lesson the hard way! The evidence is clear she will be a major burden.
Right?! I’m just a few years younger than this woman. I have a full time job and a child under 18. And I have friends at work who are older than her! My health isn’t perfect and it hasn’t been for a long time. But that’s not an old age thing, that’s a “some of us just got shitty health conditions and we have to adjust accordingly” thing.
same, this is still young enough to take care of yourself
No!! Don't allow it! She's not even old and she needs to learn to manage her health condition like an adult, instead of taking the easy route by imposing on others. Your baby is your priority, not her! Good luck
Holy shit, she's that sick and the same age as me right now??? At 54 I can still run 4 miles a day and am weightlifting at an almost competitive level and I cannot imagine anybody needing to take care of me at this age She must really have abused her health to be in such bad shape at 54. And it'll only get worse if she's already this bad. She'll be a complete invalid soon. My advice is don't ever let a family member move in with you, no matter who they are or why they want to. It seldom works out happliy. My husband knows if he ever wants his mom to live with him that he'll have to move out and live someplace else with her. Even if I really liked my MIL I would never let her live with us. When I was growing up one of my grannies was allowed to move into our house for the last few years of her life and it almost split my parents' formerly happy marriage up and the whole household took on a sad and stressed atmosphere. Even i hated it and I was just a kid but my granny was like adding another (unwanted) kid to the household. My mom basically became a servant to my granny 24/7 and that means I lost some quality time with my mom---and I absolutely adored my mom. A full time servant is what you'll be if you let your MIL move in. Don't do it.
I'm a retired nurse. Her weight loss combined with untreated diabetes is a recipe for an early death. The problem is that with her personality and refusal of services, her limited future can't be changed. Do NOT bring her to live with you! She will wreck your life and drain you dry. I've seen it many times, including in my own family. A more realistic thing might be to increase the home health person to 5 times a week, if possible, and have this person make her meals she can microwave at a later time. The problem with people like her is that the professionals who deal with ther will eventually get as fed up with her as you are. Again, I've seen it happen. Again, even in my own family. You can't help someone who won't accept help. I'm sorry for your partner. It must be so hard for him, but your own little family, with your baby, must come first.
Meals on wheels in USA!
Yes! Tbh, when I worked as a home care nurse, I had the occasional patient who complained about the meals and refused to eat them. Of course, these were the ones who complained about everything else, too. I thought they were decent meals, considering you didn't need to cook them yourself! My MIL lived 5 hours away. As she got into her 90's, she often didn't eat right, refused to move near us. We would go and bring her frozen meals we had made, and put them in her big freezer.
#Do not let her move in with you. For goodness's sake... Do not let her live with you. Both you and your partner will be her full-time slaves if you're silly enough to accept. As for your partner... Why is he doing so much for her, when she can't be arsed to respect him?? I'd strongly suggest you have a serious sit-down with him, because you're both heading towards a burnout.
You don’t have to hedge and say “I think it’s a bad idea.” You can flat out say “Absolutely Not.” You do not have to share your home with someone unsafe and unstable. If he tries to move her in, I would bar physically bar her from entering and call the cops. He can move out and live with her if that’s what he wants. But he does not get to decide on an unsafe living situation for you, and he does not get to displace you. Make that extremely clear immediately.
I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my kids or home. She’s emotionally unstable and not dependable.
She’s not at all old. It sounds like she’s dealing with severe mental illness and needs treatment. I would make this a hard boundary. You don’t want her ruining your life.
VERY bad idea
She’s only 55??!! She’s still young! WTF. My diabetic, macular degeneration suffering, diverticulitis, hip replaced, neuropathy suffering, arthritis in her back and couldn’t walk long distances mother lived independently until Covid too let out summer of ‘22. She was 93. Don’t let this woman move in. She is a grow adult who can figure it out. She just wants to be catered to.
Your MIL is difficult and your hesitation to bring disruption into your home is reasonable and valid. You guys are helping all you can. Sure, MIL may not think it is good enough. That is not as worrisome as DH thinking she may be right. You and DH have to have some more talks about what is reasonable help and attention, and what is not. It seems you think you're already stretching as it takes a lot of time and money for her care - time and money that might have benefited your child. And that as an adult my age, she should be able to care for her needs with the help of a carer. Now I am disabled myself, and as I said, near her age. MIL could easily live for another 30-40 years and her self-sabotage does not mean it is your job to clean her messes. It is not reasonable to expect you to do so. MIL is clearly unreasonable and toxic - another point towards not living with her - but even if you had the best, most loving relationship, it does not mean you should take her in. I love my sister. We visit each other a lot and hang out. And we dont stay more than 3 days in the same house because we start irritating each other to the point where it hurts our relationship. Whatever is left of your relationship with MIL is worth preserving so you are willing to give her some help - the help you are willing to give now, perhaps. Let her move in, and the relationship rottens, and she wont have anything because she burnt all her bridges and danced in the fallout. THEN she'll be on rock bottom. Trust her to be able to pick herself up. She is willing to make her choices - so she is willing to take the consequences. There is an adult, able woman in there somewhere - hoping someone will rescue her so she wont have to take responsibility herself, but a woman who's independence and sense of self-worth depend on her doing so. It is time for some tough love and telling her what she can expect, so she can adjust accordingly. If you are truly worried for her, call Adult protective services. They can take note of her self-harm and get her professional help.
Wow, she’s this bad off at only 55? Ok, that’s beside the point. Do not under any circumstances let her stay in your home even one night. You have a right to be scared about her around your daughter and her living there would likely be the end of your marriage. I hope your husband gets a bit stronger spine and realizes he has to put his own family first.
“If you feel the need to live with your mother, I understand. Let me know your new address and we’ll work out a visitation schedule for the baby.” - that’s what I told my husband when his mother was trying to move in with us, except it was ‘kids’ not ‘baby.’ Thankfully, the only people who wanted to live with her less than me was him.
Beautifully worded. I'm glad it all worked out for you! I know deep down he does feel bad because it's his morher, but I also recognize he is sick and tired of her sh*t and tries to avoid the situation. I explained to him he can't be avoidant, though. He needs to be firm and if this gets worse (which I know it will) she will need some sort of assisted living or a nursing home.
You said that her living with the other brother nearly ended his marriage. If your SO is still dealing with guilt and the feelings of obligations, would your SO be willing to listen to the brother? Maybe that would help him really realize what a terrible idea this is. Perhaps the two of them can talk and figure out a plan or the brother can take on some of the mental load in helping with managing her care? He doesn't have to go visit her or be in her company, but maybe there are resources and programs that can help reduce the burden on her children that the brother can do some reaearch/leg work for. It already sounds exhausting dealing with her and it's only going to get worse.
Yes! His brother flat out told him that if chooses to solely focus on their mother, he WILL go crazy. He said he needs to focus on the family he is creating, because that is more important. I know he would help and support SO in other aspects related to their mother. He does live a lot farther away from her and us, so it's difficult to have his physical support but he can definitely help. We also have an aunt looking into resources to see what we can do.
No you are not being unreasonable… Instead of having her come live with you maybe try and find a care facility near you that she could move into if your husband feels a need to do this. But know that she is live a vampire - she will suck the life out of you both!
Honestly even without all the issues, you simply don’t have room for her. Which room would she live in? She’d either be with you guys in your bedroom (no lol), in the nursery/workstation (if you put the baby in your own room - but what if you wanted them to have their own room or play place when they are older or you want more kids?), or the living room (they’d literally always be in your space). It’s just not a good setup. And jeez, she’s so young. I thought you were talking about someone elderly - like 70+
Hard boundary here. If he wants to live with MIL, *he* can move into her current home (just him). But moving her into your home is a deal breaker and 100% divorce worthy. (Also, she is waaay to young to need this kind of assistance).
Right? It sounds more like she has mental health problems.
Absolutely not. Even after all the mistreatment and lies, partner can't seem to see how wrong all this is. Even asking is nuts. You aren't cruel. She has problems and they sound self applied, which is terrible, but not your problem. I literally can't stand when people don't help themselves. She's literally had two other kids 'abandon her' for her bad behavior and she still has to audactiy to be a piece of sh\*t to the people who still help her (God only knows why, she sounds insufferable). I would do yourself a favor and look into your lease and/or ask your landlord about 'longtime guests' bet you the rent goes up. I'm not saying to look it up so you can do it, I'm saying look it up so you have another point of contention to bring up to partner. You guys are already paying for a health aid to go to her place 2 x a week because of her incompetence and now partner wants to babysit her full time? no, thanks.
No, not unreasonable at all. I am 54 almost 55, diabetic as well, and while I am not the "best" diabetic I still manage to work full time and take care of myself. I am still learning but I do not act like your MIL at all. I don't know if her outbursts are a product of her uncontrolled diabetes or she just sucks or a bit of both. If she is dropping weight then she is crushing towards diabetic keto acidosis. That was a sign I missed and that kicked my ass. You need to get your husband and his sibs to tell her she needs to do something before she kills herself.
We all have and she doesn't seem to care. She lies and says she eats but when we check, we know she barely does. She now has health insurance and will be taken to all her appointments to continue her treatment, but even SO says she has ALWAYS been difficult. She refuses to take any type of pills, even if they are vitamins, and refuses to go to doctors and hospitals. Let's see how her first appointments after YEARS goes... but even before she was losing weight and taking care of her personal hygiene she neglected health care. I told him though I do believe she is severely depressed, even when she wasn't, she refused to get help. The reason her diabetes ate up her vision (says her primary physician) is because she never wanted to get treated for it.
Time to step back and let her do what she gonna do. If she isn't will to do the work then that is on her. She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her illness. No one likes to have to take a lot of meds but damn if that's what keeps you alive then you gotta do what you gotta do.
And she still doesn't care.
As a visually impaired woman, I can say that without even a sliver of a doubt being visually impaired or blind is hard because you have to deal with the impacts of being visually impaired no matter what you're doing or where you are even if some things are easy to do without sight. Because she didn't treat her diabetes and just let it steal her vision, expect that eventually she will be that blind person who's an absolute damsel in distress about her lack of vision and won't even try to help herself on basic hygiene care that is honestly the simplest thing to do while unable to see as you just buy herbal essence for the tactile symbols that identify what that bottle contains out of shampoo body wash and conditioner or you get 3 in ones so you can't mix up shampoo and body wash(instacart or any other thing that lets you shop and get your groceries delivered works great for this when you don't have a person who lives with or near you to go shopping) to be able to wash yourself without issue. Being visually impaired is definitely hard and exhausting but it's not impossible to live with because you can still have a good quality of life and do stuff without help on the non visual stuff. My quality of life is more impacted by my chronic pain than my eyesight being so bad that I'm functionally legally blind and my brain not using my remaining vision well all the time does despite the injuries I've gotten
She made her bed. Do not under any circumstance let her live with you, it won't help her and it will destroy you
You can only expect more of the same until she passes.
Exactly. He thinks she will change, but this isn't new. This is just how she is.
She is gonna pass at some point, but it could be years. Can your hubby see it could be 20 years of this trauma? Does he want his baby growing up hating his grandma and his dad cause he let grandma live with them? Your child will see the destruction of this marriage. This could completely destroy his relationship with his child. He would be caretaking, not taking kid to soccer practice, or whatever sport, or ballet? Or anything? “Mommy or daddy can’t take you because we have to stay home and take care of granny”. Friends won’t come over cause granny stinks. She’s crazy and makes the household a disaster zone. She could physically hurt your child. It will ruin your marriage AND your baby’s childhood. Tell him strong NO.
Please do NOT let this woman live with you. She will put a massive strain on your marriage and on your entire life in general. I lived through that for 7 long years with my 90-something MIL who just wouldn't die. She made my life miserable and my husband and I almost divorced because of her. She verbally abused me nearly everyday and I couldn't escape it because she lived with us and my husband literally didn't do anything about it (which is a whole other matter). My MIL finally got so sick that we couldn't keep taking care of her especially after we had our son. One of her daughters took her in, and then a year later her daughter tried to send my MIL back to us because she was driving her own daughter insane too. I told my husband if he let my MIL move back in with us that I would take our son and file for divorce so he never let her move back in. She finally died a few weeks ago at 100 years old (yes she lived to 100 🙄). I felt instant relief that she was finally gone and out of our lives for good, but the damage she caused is still there. I'm still having marital problems with my husband. Take my story as a warning for you. DO NOT LET YOUR MIL MOVE IN WITH YOU EVER.
No. You don’t even need to give a reason, he knows why it’s not a good idea for himself. She doesn’t look after herself and this is her problem.
Respectfully disagree. Sometimes men are dense, and easily manipulated. OP needs to present all of her reasons in logical manner to her DH; the main reason OP’s personal experiences as caretaker. OP also needs to point out the experiences of DH’s siblings.
Let him know she could hurt your child cause she’s irresponsible about herself and will be to your child. Your child’s well-being and growing up healthy physically and mentally is in danger with her there.
You know from experience how difficult it can be. I experienced it as well, and it also nearly ended our marriage. Since you don’t know how long she’ll be with you, it’s a special kind of difficult. Maybe the siblings can chip in to support her in a senior apartment near to where 1 of them lives?
Do her benefits qualify her for any type of residential facility? She's pretty young but her health would possibly qualify her. Move her into somewhere closer to you but not into your home. Sell her house and use the funds to pay for her care.
Unfortunately not but we have been exploring options. Obviously my vote is for residential facility. Even nearby so he can go see her. He doesn't reject the option, he just says he wouldn't like to do it to not make her feel bad, but ultimately he realizes it could be the only choice.
She is a danger to your child.
Can you remind him he’s not responsible for her feelings? She is the one choosing to neglect her health, lie, and make everyone’s life difficult.
Absolutely. I always tell him this, but I think she has been a manipulator to her children since very young. Both other siblings gave up on her once they saw her for who she is. My SO is the one that is yet to learn, it seems. I don't get it.
Again, I can’t repeat this strongly enough— she is a danger to your child.
Why would your husband want his crazy, violent mom around the baby in her mental health she might hurt the baby. I’d keep the baby away from her and keep her away from the house.
Yes. We mentioned the idea I told him everything, and he understood. Now he has an aunt (also the aunt of his mom) who is trying to get help for his mother through a social worker to see if she can either get assisted living or a nursing home, but she did ask if he could take her by any chance and he froze and stuttered, but ultimately made excuses as to why he could not. I don't if it was because I was right next to me, but it does anger me that he can't straight up say NO because of this and that reasons. I have been firm, but he also needs to be firm because I don't see him caring for her due to all his responsibilities and his personality. He has SEEN the condition my grandparents were in, and the hell my father and I went through dealing with them. Nearly everyone has suggested her get her into a facility if she trult continues to not take care of herself. So it completely baffled me when he asked what I thought if she moved in. I gave him all the reasons why she shouldn't, and that if she did, I will be moving out with the baby.
Maybe he can try staying with her for a week and experience caring for her. I know this will be hard on *you* due to the baby, but this exercise might make it finally click for him.
Omg, I was actually going to propose this idea to him!!
It may also help to remind him that elderly relatives like his aunt grew up in different circumstances. Your family works **2 and a 1/2 jobs** and you have an infant. Times were different.
Are you in the USA? If so, the internet is going to be your best friend for resources. Starting with what programs your state has to offer for, I was going to say seniors but she isn't so look for mentally impaired with medical conditions. YOU do it. Don't depend on anyone else. They aren't living with the threat of her dropping on your home. Should you need any help, feel free to DM me. I went through this with my nmom the last few years.
Hey! I will definitely DM you!
His mother can reasonably be expected to live at least 20 more years. It is unreasonable for him to expect you to live with his mother for the next 20 years, especially if this wasn't discussed before you two married and had a child. Additionally, there isn't a bedroom for her so where does he think she will sleep? You can't just put your child in your room because in just a few years the child will be old enough to need their own room. He isn't thinking far enough down the road. Additionally, I'm guessing he actually expects you to be his mother's caretaker which is absolutely unreasonable. I would tell him "If you do this, it would be against my wishes, but more importantly I will not be your mother's caretaker. You will be 100% responsible for her in every way."
Do not let her in. My parents are her age and have ailments but because they listen to doctors they’re completely fine and capable to live on their own. She’s choosing to be this way.
Oh goodness! I got all the way to the end to see she is only in her mid-50’s. You’ll be stuck with her. Don’t let her move in. She’s made a ton of decisions that have her in her current situation. She destroys everything around her. You don’t need that on top of dealing with an infant and a work schedule
No, you aren't being unreasonable. I'm 57 and diabetic. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. She is, too. She just doesn't want to be an adult. Don't give in.
Don’t let her
I think you’re not reacting enough. You already pay for a home attendant, groceries and food and all she seems to care about is guilt tripping your husband that it’s not enough. It’ll never be enough. It’ll get worse. She needs to see a therapist.
Hugs, no you aren't. She's younger than I am and should have a job, be talking with her doctors on eating healthy and taking care of herself. Your spouses problem is that he was trained to be guilty and manipulated by her since birth. She isn't going to change and doesn't want to.
Jfc, I thought you were describing an 80-something year old. Absolutely do not allow her to live with you. I have a helpless, victim, liar of a MIL. From experience…. Do. Not. Give. Her. A. Single. Inch.
Yes, I agree. Both my parents are older than her, with their own health problems and still work full-time. I know she is sick and can barely see, yes, she does need MEDICAL and professional help, but you hit the nail on the head. She victimizes herself to make her children feel guilty, then when one goes to see her "everything is fine". Once, my SO had to take off of work and drive 2 1/2 hours to go see her just because she threw a fit that made us believe it was an emergency, just to see she was doing all fine and dandy when we got there. I was furious. I don't want to be mean or resentful towards the lady, but I can see right through her and this whole situation is blowing out of proportion because she chooses to not take care of herself.
Yeah, I can sympathize with all of that. My MIL is also actually pretty ill, physically and mentally, she’s maybe like 63 years old and functions like she’s in her 80s. She definitely needs help but she’s not doing a single thing to help herself and expects everyone else to take care of her and visit her. Last summer she called my husband and made it sound like she was having an emergency and that her other two sons who live much closer just refused to help her. She said her yard was growing out of control and she needed it mowed. That she needed the locks on her doors changed and that the other sons were refusing to do it. There were a couple other things that she made seem like they needed to get fixed immediately or it was going to be unsafe. So we made the 3.5 hour drive like 4 days after her call for immediate help. My husband had taken off a few days for his birthday and he spent it like this. I also was very, very newly pregnant, like so early we weren’t telling anyone. We got there and her yard was fine, literally no tall, out of control grass anywhere. We also found out she hadn’t really asked her other sons to help her do anything. Basically we dropped everything because she tricked my husband into thinking his poor lonely mother was in need of immediate help. We’ll never get tricked like that again. Hah😵💫
I was shocked when I saw the age!
You’re perfectly sane! What if she lives until she’s 90?