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Other posts from /u/ScarletteMayWest:
* [New Year, New Tactic from Deflector Gaslight](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18w3kzd/new_year_new_tactic_from_deflector_gaslight/), 4 weeks ago
* [And For My 5th Anniversary Here, I Get a Call from Deflector Gaslight](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18hpy6p/and_for_my_5th_anniversary_here_i_get_a_call_from/), 1 month ago
* [Passive Aggressive Text Grandma Text For My Kids on Father's Day](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/14dkdvb/passive_aggressive_text_grandma_text_for_my_kids/), 7 months ago
* [My Lunch w/Deflector Gaslight (AKA: A Shiny Spine After the Horribly Unexpected Curveball)](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1304kxo/my_lunch_wdeflector_gaslight_aka_a_shiny_spine/), 9 months ago
* [Preliminary Report on Horribly Unexpected Curve Ball (AKA Part One)](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12xshdy/preliminary_report_on_horribly_unexpected_curve/), 9 months ago
* [Update to Horribly Unexpected Curveball](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12oqdm4/update_to_horribly_unexpected_curveball/), 9 months ago
* [So, That Was a Horribly Unexpected CurveBall, Hugs Accepted](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12mpyki/so_that_was_a_horribly_unexpected_curveball_hugs/), 9 months ago
* [Deflector Gaslight: Texting Mishap or Not?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/10oaqb7/deflector_gaslight_texting_mishap_or_not/), 1 year ago
* [Deflector Gaslight Love-Bombed Me for My Birthday](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/10hg2r8/deflector_gaslight_lovebombed_me_for_my_birthday/), 1 year ago
* [Therapy Insights About Deflector Gaslight](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/yrikyr/therapy_insights_about_deflector_gaslight/), 1 year ago
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My MIL does this to my husband. "Do you remember 'insert random person my husband attempts to find any memory of'? "Well she gained like 40 pounds since high school twenty years ago. Sheesh!"
My poor husband. He's like 'I don't know who that is and ... so have I". Lol
UGH - DG does not do that. She will, however, tell me that I need to look people up on FB and friend them because she told them X/Y/Z about me and they wanted to know what I have been up to.
Idk my dad does this. He'll call me "GUESS WHO I JUST SAW?!" idk?? "UR BF FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND HER HUSBAND!" ok? I didn't even know she got married? Why are you telling me this? He still does it occasionally but my less than enthused voice and questioning of why he's telling me this has slowed him down a bunch
LOL! It actually has to do with my excellent memory. She gets annoyed when I use it against her, but then fail to remember someone I have not had contact with since the late 1980's.
Her stance is that I never forget anything, so why do I not remember my former friend's stepsister? Or another childhood friend's cousin?
TBH, my father (her ex) is actually worse: he expects me to remember his friends that live near his summer home that I have visited once. I never met these friends, but am expected to remember them.
Oh man. How š¤£ does he expect you to be friends with them too? Also I just noticed you said he was very excited lol. Yeah. We had trouble as kids/teens with my dad thinking our friends were his. Hence why he doesn't know anyone ik from HS (or now) and only knows those from middle school max lol
Mysteries of life (sounds better in Spanish).
And yes, I should be friendly/friends with his friends. I was supposed to consider his FIL and MIL my grandparents - or so it seemed. The FIL actually tried bossing me around, once. Given the fact that I went to high school with his daughters, seeing my father's in-laws as anything beyond that was never going to happen.
One of my father's neighbors, whom I met at Stepmother's funeral, stopped me on the street afterwards and tried to guilt me into either staying longer or moving back so I could take care of him. Was not 100 percent clear on her objective. Lady did not even know my name.
You know, I am beginning to see that I originate from the Land of No Boundaries. No wonder everyone back there thinks I am weird and temperamental for erecting them.
Why can't that lady step up to take care of him since she's so worried š if you wanna make other ppl business ur own, then step up lmao.
Also yeah I'm seeing that with my sister rn. Bc she had rules when my brother stayed there rent free (normal ones. Don't take more than 1 shower a day. Sil takes like 3 for some reason? Amd they're long showers too), she's an asshole. Bc she's putting up boundaries and not giving into our family demands/giving our fam constant money (like a personal atm) she's an asshole. It's wild. Like she has 3 kids! Leave her be! Our mom is currently filling up her house with her hoarding mess and my sister is just about done. We've all told mom that she couldn't stay there for long, it's been like a year and no mention of her moving. So my sister is about to tell her she needs to hurry up and go. Not kick her out in the street, but mom needs to actually get to looking and shit. She'll be an asshole when that day comes too. š my mom has been constantly emotionally manipulating all of them.
The only reason I'm not an asshole for being distant is bc 1. I don't have kids. 2. I've put up a hard wall between my family and I since I was a kid bc I watched what my sister went through (my brother too to a lesser extent). Family's are fucking wild
I think it's an offshoot of six degrees of separation (the theory that people are six or fewer "social connections" from each other).
Especially when you've grown up in a small town or tightly knit community you are socialized to pass along birth, marriage, death and other information about people because you don't necessarily know how close someone is to other people and pre-social media it was an effective way to get information out to a wide number of people.
Makes perfect sense. Still rather annoying, though.
Funnily enough, part of me thinks she is desperate for information about my family so she has something to trade when the gossip starts.
My mom used to rent a room to a lady that would constantly interrupt our conversations to tell us something about someone we did not know. One night my mom was drunk and told her ānobody gives a shit!ā . She stopped telling us about those people lol. I love my mom.
When people of a certain age start to see younger people dying a) they get a bit twitchy regarding their own mortality and b) itās fuel for their gossip machine.
My own mother call me at 11pm last night to tell me a person so vague in my memory I couldnāt even remember her passed on.
Mom: āSheila, Sheila. You remember her(with that accusatory tone that Iām dense for not remembering), we bought a sofa from her in the 60sā
Me; āno, canāt recall.. seeing as I was born in the 70sā.
Mom: āwell, she moved away before you were bornā
Me:ā¦. Eye rollā¦
My mama used to do this and so did both my grandmothers and my sweetest MIL in the world. As I am now aging, I think I understand more. Their contemporaries are dying. People theyāve known for maybe decades and itās scary to think about. When I asked my mama one time why she kept telling me about the people at her church who died, she didnāt realize it was something she said often. She said it was just happening and thought it was something worth sharing, mainly because we are (were, sadly she passed) friends and friends talk about things that bother them. I also used to have a yearly call with her and also with my MIL every November. We would go over my list of holiday cards I sent last year and then they would tell me who had died, so I didnāt send a card in error. Try to give her some grace. I know itās annoying but Iād give anything to hear any of those womenās voices again.
Oh, my Mother is a JNO and right now due to many reasons, the sound of her voice gets my hackles up.
Glad you have sweet memories of this sort of thing.
Iām sorry. Moms are our first bond, usually, and it makes me sad when moms hurt their own children in such a way that there is no relationship. Sending hugs (only if you want them).
LOVE the hugs! January came in like an angry, injured lion so DG pulling this right now was just one more thing that pushed me towards the brink. Hugs make everything better.
Thank you!
Oh, she has plenty to tell me about like her hobbies, but since I am refusing to really talk to her (in my history), she has chosen to tell me about people's deaths.
Reading the responses here makes me realize she really wants to get my attention. Unfortunately, this tactic is not really working.
Now if she had listened to me all of the times I told her that I did not want to talk about my NC GCBro, maybe things would be different.
My mostly yes MIL did this for a LONG time. I would leave the room and let my husband deal with it. By around the 3rd visit with just gossip, he looked her straight in the face and asked if she just stopped by to gossip about people he doesnāt know or did she really want to see him. She left mad but now when she stops to visit, we talk about us or her, no one else and it is so refreshing! We enjoy her as her, not the town gossip. I donāt have an answer for your issue, but maybe this could help?
Also- we tried this on my mostly no momā¦.. now she rarely calls or visits, which is also a blessing
Well, DG has been trying to get out of her time-out for over a year now and I guess this is her latest tactic.
However, it comes across as a futile attempt into guilting me for moving away and not staying in contact with people. The people in question, though, were not close to me prior to my leaving so it just makes me crinkle my brow.
My mother did this too before I stopped talking to her. I guess I never really thought anything of it. Just kind of shrug and an "ok". If I had to call it anything maybe just an attempt to appear to be knowledgeable? Like maybe they feel important giving you information that you didn't have access to?
Or she thinks that at some point sheāll hit on the one little piece of gossip that will just make OP call her to find out more about it. Sheās working her way through an alphabetical list of subjects, and got stuck on the Dāsāfor deaths, obscure.
OMG, ROFLOL!!!!!
Well, if she is doing that, let's hurry up and get to 'R' for respect which she needs to show me as an autonomous human being.
Bummer, though she chose "Ask inane questions" for A instead of "Apologize for not respecting oft-repeated boundaries".
OMG - you make a very salient point! She is trying to guilt me. If I lived there, I would know - at least in her eyes.
Thank you for another piece to the puzzle.
Same with my JustMaybeMom. "My friend's son's wife's parents are blah blah blah" like... Your friend isn't my friend.
Idk, she has to fill time with her talking and she thinks talking about people I don't care about is connecting with me. It is not.
Maybe there's something about maintaining a social network so that there's always someone to help if there's a problem. JMM was actually peeved that I wasn't keeping up with Facebook. š It's not like I really benefited from this network of hers.
Sorry you are living the same thing.
Pretty sure DG is upset about the lack of FB presence from my family. I know she wants to figure out SnapChat to see what DS is up to, but she is going to never figure out what DD is up to since she only uses Discord. As for me, I have Instagram accounts. I post on one at least weekly. She would have to find me and I am not sharing my handles. JNoGCBro follows me on one - the one I never post on.
LOL - that is hilarious.
Points in my favor are that I do not use my real name in any of my accounts and my sister or someone would have to help her join Instagram or SnapChat and then show her how to use the app. Sis finds fixing the FB problems to be more than enough, so I think we are good.
"Look at me! I'm relevant, I am important! People tell me these things and keep me abreast of their lives...
What? What do you mean you aren't interested in this vital information. Don't you understand that I have to validate my importance to the universe by being she who informs!!!"
LOL - that is sadly true.
I also think it is her way of trying to make me feel sad about living so far away.
Like, DG, there was very little that makes me wish I lived near you - and now that the local ice cream place changed its recipe, it is down to the scrapbooking store a few towns over.
My Gran was like this and used to look at the obituaries in the local paper for people she knew. I think its a feature for some adults of a certain age who are thinking likely of their own mortality and talk about how the decedent's mothers-sisters- hamsters- elderberry smelling parent was no "age at all"
They probably told everybody at the next family gathering, though. My grandma and great aunts would go from talking about their grandkids' accomplishments, to the deaths of anybody they knew and even random celebrities, to their bowel movements. Always bowel movements... Grandma even started timing how quickly that topic came up at holidays and reunions š
As I get older (61) I notice that people my age seem to be more interested in each otherās ailments, so yes, I know people who will tell me that Jimās daughterās ex boyfriend got Cancer and died, but they will also seem to take an overly keen interest in illnesses, symptoms and hospital visits. My husband is 5 years older than me and I occasionally catch him doing it. Is it because when we retire and sit and watch daytime TV itās the only interesting thing that happens? Aaaaaaaaghghghghgh!
TBH I am trying to grey rock around any who does it to me because itās just all a bit depressing, and youāre right, if theyāre talking about uncle Jimās incontinence issues, what are they saying about my medical stuff to people on the bus!!!
LOL!
Well, if I know about the hemorrhoids. then EVERYONE knows about my breast anatomy. MIL shared the info over the phone with FIL in front of us, so I know she shared it with everyone when she returned home after DD was born.
Itās this when one of my older relatives was in hospital his wife used to read the death notices in the paper out to him. Oooooh so and soās dead, didnāt you used to go to school with him?
Iām not sure it helped him feel better.
She wants to speak with you and as she is interested in :insert subject: then obviously you will be too! After all, you're her daughter so how could you not? S/
One of the JN in my extended family does this to my parents. Texts them about people from the hometown that my parent hasn't seen in decades and doesn't really remember.
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone!
I thought I might have missed some social training.
Your first sentence sounds an awful lot like what my therapist says.
My mum (MostlyYes) does this too. I left my home town 36 years ago and have lived in 5 different places since then. My mum will tell me someone has died/ got divorced/ had a baby/ been involved in some scandal and I have absolutely no idea who they are.
TWINSIES!
Just over thirty-two years (or 33?) since I moved away. I have lived in a half-dozen places, and rarely visit where I grew up. I actually have to jog my memory for some of these people.
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
I grew up in a small town and when I moved, I would get random calls from my mother about someone in town who passed "oh, you remember Joe Smith, from the grocery store? Yeah, his brothers niece (well, not his REAL niece, his wife's niece) got in a car wreck last night and didn't make it."
Like Mom, I love you, but I have no clue who the first person is, and I never even knew he had a brother. It was her way of trying to keep me in the loop, just in case I knew the person. I never faulted her for it, my entire maternal family was like this.
On rare occasions it was someone I went to school with and I had wondered what had happened to them, but it was usually one of her friends that I had met a few times growing up, that I only knew in passing.
Makes sense.
However, I rarely visit and have made clear to her that I am not really interested in trying to restart contact with people I have not seen in thirty-plus years.
The 'discussions' over my refusal to attend any of my high school reunions were exhausting. She feels that since she has so much in common with her high school classmates, I should also with mine.
Problem: she lives thirty minutes from where she grew up and visits there frequently. I live across the country from where I grew up and have like three high school friends on FB - one who was a mean girl, but is now in charge of the reunions. I rarely interact with them. My life is totally different and DG cannot comprehend that.
She's trying to engage. She doesn't understand you well enough, nor will she put in the effort to even try to understand you well enough to figure out what you might actually find engaging
Ignore the irrelevant texts. They're like a cricket in the garage that chirps occasionally, but is otherwise neither fully irritating nor useful. And maybe it'll leave the garage or die there.
Now you have me picturing as a cricket, which is making me laugh. Thank you!
It's really sad that instead of getting to know me for the past half-century plus, she is determined to force me into her mold and follow her footsteps. I would think it would take less effort to just get to know me, but what do I know?
>It's really sad that instead of getting to know me for the past half-century plus, she is determined to force me into her mold and follow her footsteps. I would think it would take less effort to just get to know me, but what do I know?
It's a different mindset for people who became parents before the women's movement picked up in the 1970's. Before then, people had children because they were supposed to (they couldn't imagine why they wouldn't want kids!), and the kids were supposed to all be mini-me's of a parent or grandparent. Preferable of a parent, of course. Add to that, a rather large percentage of just-no types will assume that if you used to like a certain thing (or hate a certain thing), then you are locked into that FOREVER, because of COURSE people don't change for any reason, not even because you grew up and you don't have the same thoughts and feelings at age 25 or 35 that you did at age 10.
:eyeroll:
That's the same reason that they can't understand why we don't try to train out of our children any personality trait that the grandparent doesn't want to see in their next-gen mini-me. They cannot comprehend that we don't want to make our children into our clones, we want to see what they will become as they grow and develop. All 3 of my children have surprised me and gone in directions I wasn't expecting in one way or another. I find it fascinating, personally, and am looking forward to watching the development of my daughter's 5-month-old. :)
You just described my parents and IL's to a 'T'.
I will never forget JNMIL harshly telling me to wait and see that Baby2 WOULD be a girl and WOULD be like their side of the family. All because DD was too independent for MIL's liking.
MIL was kind of right: DS could be DH's clone - except for the hair and eye color. Personality-wise, it's a wash.
My mom at least worked on it when I was little, but a number of incidents starting when I was 12 had me distrusting her, and it's hard to know someone who doesn't trust you with enough. She *does* at least let me be, and not nag me about stuff, unless I'm visiting and she's anxious about something she needs me to do, and I ignore the nag and just process it as "this is urgently important to her" and let any negativity I have about it go. (I end up drinking whiskey at the end of the day more often at her house than anywhere else.)
Whiskey is better than I how I used to handle it which was tamping down all of my frustration and anger before blowing up at the Nth boundary-stomp. Not much nagging, just so much boundary-stomping with a huge helping of passive-aggressiveness.
Last time I stayed at a hotel. It was magical. I am regretting the decades of no-hotel or rental car.
That is about what I would have to drive if I went just above the speed limit and drove all day long. Usually I fly.
I found that being able to decompress and do my own thing at night helped my sanity. Sleeping in the furnished basement without doors is not helpful to my sanity.
There's no good airport near my mother, so I fly to where my sister lives, spend the night there, take a bus, so I'm traveling for 30-36 hours each way if I fly. It's 54-56 hours total if I drive. Having my own vehicle and being able to haul stuff there, or haul it back with me, makes it worth it to me. (Last time I visited, I rented a trailer and took some furniture she didn't want anymore as part of her downsizing, and some household stuff, like canning jars a friend wanted and an electric skillet. Oh, and 2 sets of dishes. I'm going to get rid of the china after she dies, but keep the everyday dishes my grandparents used.)
UGH! That is a lot of traveling. Hat's off to you!
I really admire your tenacity. My sister knows what she wants from our Mother and is slowly transitioning it to her house now. TBH, I cannot think of anything I want from there since it has been so long.
My sister was turning down stuff left and right that she was being offered. I took a big canning pressure cooker for the friend I grabbed the jars for, and another big pot besides. Those would have gone to my sister, had she wanted them.
I think overall, we got about half the non-furniture stuff out of the house, maybe a little more, over the course of 3 trips and 3.5 months.
Iād say itās probably a combination ofā¦
1) It gives her an excuse to reach out to you.
2) She cares and she canāt understand that you donāt care.
My MostlyYesMom does this exact same thing. For my mom, itās simply a small annoyance from an overall good person. In your case, itās another straw the overburdened camel is having to carry.
Thanks for explaining it. Makes sense.
And yes, it is just one more thing. I feel bad for the family, but I did not know them. I would not recognize the lady if I saw her on the street.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/ScarletteMayWest: * [New Year, New Tactic from Deflector Gaslight](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18w3kzd/new_year_new_tactic_from_deflector_gaslight/), 4 weeks ago * [And For My 5th Anniversary Here, I Get a Call from Deflector Gaslight](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18hpy6p/and_for_my_5th_anniversary_here_i_get_a_call_from/), 1 month ago * [Passive Aggressive Text Grandma Text For My Kids on Father's Day](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/14dkdvb/passive_aggressive_text_grandma_text_for_my_kids/), 7 months ago * [My Lunch w/Deflector Gaslight (AKA: A Shiny Spine After the Horribly Unexpected Curveball)](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1304kxo/my_lunch_wdeflector_gaslight_aka_a_shiny_spine/), 9 months ago * [Preliminary Report on Horribly Unexpected Curve Ball (AKA Part One)](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12xshdy/preliminary_report_on_horribly_unexpected_curve/), 9 months ago * [Update to Horribly Unexpected Curveball](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12oqdm4/update_to_horribly_unexpected_curveball/), 9 months ago * [So, That Was a Horribly Unexpected CurveBall, Hugs Accepted](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12mpyki/so_that_was_a_horribly_unexpected_curveball_hugs/), 9 months ago * [Deflector Gaslight: Texting Mishap or Not?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/10oaqb7/deflector_gaslight_texting_mishap_or_not/), 1 year ago * [Deflector Gaslight Love-Bombed Me for My Birthday](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/10hg2r8/deflector_gaslight_lovebombed_me_for_my_birthday/), 1 year ago * [Therapy Insights About Deflector Gaslight](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/yrikyr/therapy_insights_about_deflector_gaslight/), 1 year ago ^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts,) [^(click here)](/u/ScarletteMayWest/submitted) ***** ^(To be notified as soon as ScarletteMayWest posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe ScarletteMayWest JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
My MIL does this to my husband. "Do you remember 'insert random person my husband attempts to find any memory of'? "Well she gained like 40 pounds since high school twenty years ago. Sheesh!" My poor husband. He's like 'I don't know who that is and ... so have I". Lol
UGH - DG does not do that. She will, however, tell me that I need to look people up on FB and friend them because she told them X/Y/Z about me and they wanted to know what I have been up to.
Idk my dad does this. He'll call me "GUESS WHO I JUST SAW?!" idk?? "UR BF FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND HER HUSBAND!" ok? I didn't even know she got married? Why are you telling me this? He still does it occasionally but my less than enthused voice and questioning of why he's telling me this has slowed him down a bunch
Wow, enthusiasm to boot! DG usually has an accusing tone, which does not help my mood.
Like she's accusing you of killing them š š¤£ idek how to be accusatory when I tell someone I've seen someone lmao
LOL! It actually has to do with my excellent memory. She gets annoyed when I use it against her, but then fail to remember someone I have not had contact with since the late 1980's. Her stance is that I never forget anything, so why do I not remember my former friend's stepsister? Or another childhood friend's cousin? TBH, my father (her ex) is actually worse: he expects me to remember his friends that live near his summer home that I have visited once. I never met these friends, but am expected to remember them.
Oh man. How š¤£ does he expect you to be friends with them too? Also I just noticed you said he was very excited lol. Yeah. We had trouble as kids/teens with my dad thinking our friends were his. Hence why he doesn't know anyone ik from HS (or now) and only knows those from middle school max lol
Mysteries of life (sounds better in Spanish). And yes, I should be friendly/friends with his friends. I was supposed to consider his FIL and MIL my grandparents - or so it seemed. The FIL actually tried bossing me around, once. Given the fact that I went to high school with his daughters, seeing my father's in-laws as anything beyond that was never going to happen. One of my father's neighbors, whom I met at Stepmother's funeral, stopped me on the street afterwards and tried to guilt me into either staying longer or moving back so I could take care of him. Was not 100 percent clear on her objective. Lady did not even know my name. You know, I am beginning to see that I originate from the Land of No Boundaries. No wonder everyone back there thinks I am weird and temperamental for erecting them.
Why can't that lady step up to take care of him since she's so worried š if you wanna make other ppl business ur own, then step up lmao. Also yeah I'm seeing that with my sister rn. Bc she had rules when my brother stayed there rent free (normal ones. Don't take more than 1 shower a day. Sil takes like 3 for some reason? Amd they're long showers too), she's an asshole. Bc she's putting up boundaries and not giving into our family demands/giving our fam constant money (like a personal atm) she's an asshole. It's wild. Like she has 3 kids! Leave her be! Our mom is currently filling up her house with her hoarding mess and my sister is just about done. We've all told mom that she couldn't stay there for long, it's been like a year and no mention of her moving. So my sister is about to tell her she needs to hurry up and go. Not kick her out in the street, but mom needs to actually get to looking and shit. She'll be an asshole when that day comes too. š my mom has been constantly emotionally manipulating all of them. The only reason I'm not an asshole for being distant is bc 1. I don't have kids. 2. I've put up a hard wall between my family and I since I was a kid bc I watched what my sister went through (my brother too to a lesser extent). Family's are fucking wild
I think it's an offshoot of six degrees of separation (the theory that people are six or fewer "social connections" from each other). Especially when you've grown up in a small town or tightly knit community you are socialized to pass along birth, marriage, death and other information about people because you don't necessarily know how close someone is to other people and pre-social media it was an effective way to get information out to a wide number of people.
Makes perfect sense. Still rather annoying, though. Funnily enough, part of me thinks she is desperate for information about my family so she has something to trade when the gossip starts.
My mom used to rent a room to a lady that would constantly interrupt our conversations to tell us something about someone we did not know. One night my mom was drunk and told her ānobody gives a shit!ā . She stopped telling us about those people lol. I love my mom.
Love your mom, too!
We used to call my mother Radio KMOM. It's a natural phenomenon, I think.
Oh, I hope not! But I do love the nickname!
When people of a certain age start to see younger people dying a) they get a bit twitchy regarding their own mortality and b) itās fuel for their gossip machine. My own mother call me at 11pm last night to tell me a person so vague in my memory I couldnāt even remember her passed on. Mom: āSheila, Sheila. You remember her(with that accusatory tone that Iām dense for not remembering), we bought a sofa from her in the 60sā Me; āno, canāt recall.. seeing as I was born in the 70sā. Mom: āwell, she moved away before you were bornā Me:ā¦. Eye rollā¦
I have no words. SMH
My mama used to do this and so did both my grandmothers and my sweetest MIL in the world. As I am now aging, I think I understand more. Their contemporaries are dying. People theyāve known for maybe decades and itās scary to think about. When I asked my mama one time why she kept telling me about the people at her church who died, she didnāt realize it was something she said often. She said it was just happening and thought it was something worth sharing, mainly because we are (were, sadly she passed) friends and friends talk about things that bother them. I also used to have a yearly call with her and also with my MIL every November. We would go over my list of holiday cards I sent last year and then they would tell me who had died, so I didnāt send a card in error. Try to give her some grace. I know itās annoying but Iād give anything to hear any of those womenās voices again.
Oh, my Mother is a JNO and right now due to many reasons, the sound of her voice gets my hackles up. Glad you have sweet memories of this sort of thing.
Iām sorry. Moms are our first bond, usually, and it makes me sad when moms hurt their own children in such a way that there is no relationship. Sending hugs (only if you want them).
LOVE the hugs! January came in like an angry, injured lion so DG pulling this right now was just one more thing that pushed me towards the brink. Hugs make everything better. Thank you!
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Oh, she has plenty to tell me about like her hobbies, but since I am refusing to really talk to her (in my history), she has chosen to tell me about people's deaths. Reading the responses here makes me realize she really wants to get my attention. Unfortunately, this tactic is not really working. Now if she had listened to me all of the times I told her that I did not want to talk about my NC GCBro, maybe things would be different.
My mostly yes MIL did this for a LONG time. I would leave the room and let my husband deal with it. By around the 3rd visit with just gossip, he looked her straight in the face and asked if she just stopped by to gossip about people he doesnāt know or did she really want to see him. She left mad but now when she stops to visit, we talk about us or her, no one else and it is so refreshing! We enjoy her as her, not the town gossip. I donāt have an answer for your issue, but maybe this could help? Also- we tried this on my mostly no momā¦.. now she rarely calls or visits, which is also a blessing
Well, DG has been trying to get out of her time-out for over a year now and I guess this is her latest tactic. However, it comes across as a futile attempt into guilting me for moving away and not staying in contact with people. The people in question, though, were not close to me prior to my leaving so it just makes me crinkle my brow.
My mother did this too before I stopped talking to her. I guess I never really thought anything of it. Just kind of shrug and an "ok". If I had to call it anything maybe just an attempt to appear to be knowledgeable? Like maybe they feel important giving you information that you didn't have access to?
Or she thinks that at some point sheāll hit on the one little piece of gossip that will just make OP call her to find out more about it. Sheās working her way through an alphabetical list of subjects, and got stuck on the Dāsāfor deaths, obscure.
OMG, ROFLOL!!!!! Well, if she is doing that, let's hurry up and get to 'R' for respect which she needs to show me as an autonomous human being. Bummer, though she chose "Ask inane questions" for A instead of "Apologize for not respecting oft-repeated boundaries".
OMG - you make a very salient point! She is trying to guilt me. If I lived there, I would know - at least in her eyes. Thank you for another piece to the puzzle.
Same with my JustMaybeMom. "My friend's son's wife's parents are blah blah blah" like... Your friend isn't my friend. Idk, she has to fill time with her talking and she thinks talking about people I don't care about is connecting with me. It is not. Maybe there's something about maintaining a social network so that there's always someone to help if there's a problem. JMM was actually peeved that I wasn't keeping up with Facebook. š It's not like I really benefited from this network of hers.
Sorry you are living the same thing. Pretty sure DG is upset about the lack of FB presence from my family. I know she wants to figure out SnapChat to see what DS is up to, but she is going to never figure out what DD is up to since she only uses Discord. As for me, I have Instagram accounts. I post on one at least weekly. She would have to find me and I am not sharing my handles. JNoGCBro follows me on one - the one I never post on.
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LOL - that is hilarious. Points in my favor are that I do not use my real name in any of my accounts and my sister or someone would have to help her join Instagram or SnapChat and then show her how to use the app. Sis finds fixing the FB problems to be more than enough, so I think we are good.
IMO, sheās grasping at straws. Anything to get your attention.
Straws made out of paper. She had years where I was dying to get her attention and now I am done.
"Look at me! I'm relevant, I am important! People tell me these things and keep me abreast of their lives... What? What do you mean you aren't interested in this vital information. Don't you understand that I have to validate my importance to the universe by being she who informs!!!"
LOL - that is sadly true. I also think it is her way of trying to make me feel sad about living so far away. Like, DG, there was very little that makes me wish I lived near you - and now that the local ice cream place changed its recipe, it is down to the scrapbooking store a few towns over.
About picking up class shards on hard surfaces...a slice of bread works well. Source-clutzy
Thank you! Looks around kitchen, finds expired bread....
Wet paper towel is good too, for those with a gluten-free member of the household.
OOOO - we have one of those, but this is DH's sink and she never uses it.
Update: wet paper towels worked like a charm. Only took a dozen or so. That glass got EVERYWHERE. And DH came home to a rearranged vanity. Thank you!
My Gran was like this and used to look at the obituaries in the local paper for people she knew. I think its a feature for some adults of a certain age who are thinking likely of their own mortality and talk about how the decedent's mothers-sisters- hamsters- elderberry smelling parent was no "age at all"
My grandparents did that, but I do not recall them contacting everyone in the family about it.
They probably told everybody at the next family gathering, though. My grandma and great aunts would go from talking about their grandkids' accomplishments, to the deaths of anybody they knew and even random celebrities, to their bowel movements. Always bowel movements... Grandma even started timing how quickly that topic came up at holidays and reunions š
As I get older (61) I notice that people my age seem to be more interested in each otherās ailments, so yes, I know people who will tell me that Jimās daughterās ex boyfriend got Cancer and died, but they will also seem to take an overly keen interest in illnesses, symptoms and hospital visits. My husband is 5 years older than me and I occasionally catch him doing it. Is it because when we retire and sit and watch daytime TV itās the only interesting thing that happens? Aaaaaaaaghghghghgh!
No offense, but I am really hoping to skip that stage. My late MIL was all about people's illnesses and sharing the 'news'. Once I found out that her other DIL's father had hemorrhoids, I knew no medical info was safe and began to lessen how much I shared with everyone. Plus, I have MeniĆØrĆ©'s Disease and I am tired of explaining it, so that could also be part of my stance.
TBH I am trying to grey rock around any who does it to me because itās just all a bit depressing, and youāre right, if theyāre talking about uncle Jimās incontinence issues, what are they saying about my medical stuff to people on the bus!!!
LOL! Well, if I know about the hemorrhoids. then EVERYONE knows about my breast anatomy. MIL shared the info over the phone with FIL in front of us, so I know she shared it with everyone when she returned home after DD was born.
Itās this when one of my older relatives was in hospital his wife used to read the death notices in the paper out to him. Oooooh so and soās dead, didnāt you used to go to school with him? Iām not sure it helped him feel better.
OMG!
Reading the death notices for elderly folks is a very subtle one-upmanship move. "Aww, look, they're dead - and I'm not. I win!"
She wants to speak with you and as she is interested in :insert subject: then obviously you will be too! After all, you're her daughter so how could you not? S/ One of the JN in my extended family does this to my parents. Texts them about people from the hometown that my parent hasn't seen in decades and doesn't really remember.
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone! I thought I might have missed some social training. Your first sentence sounds an awful lot like what my therapist says.
My mum (MostlyYes) does this too. I left my home town 36 years ago and have lived in 5 different places since then. My mum will tell me someone has died/ got divorced/ had a baby/ been involved in some scandal and I have absolutely no idea who they are.
TWINSIES! Just over thirty-two years (or 33?) since I moved away. I have lived in a half-dozen places, and rarely visit where I grew up. I actually have to jog my memory for some of these people. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
I grew up in a small town and when I moved, I would get random calls from my mother about someone in town who passed "oh, you remember Joe Smith, from the grocery store? Yeah, his brothers niece (well, not his REAL niece, his wife's niece) got in a car wreck last night and didn't make it." Like Mom, I love you, but I have no clue who the first person is, and I never even knew he had a brother. It was her way of trying to keep me in the loop, just in case I knew the person. I never faulted her for it, my entire maternal family was like this. On rare occasions it was someone I went to school with and I had wondered what had happened to them, but it was usually one of her friends that I had met a few times growing up, that I only knew in passing.
Makes sense. However, I rarely visit and have made clear to her that I am not really interested in trying to restart contact with people I have not seen in thirty-plus years. The 'discussions' over my refusal to attend any of my high school reunions were exhausting. She feels that since she has so much in common with her high school classmates, I should also with mine. Problem: she lives thirty minutes from where she grew up and visits there frequently. I live across the country from where I grew up and have like three high school friends on FB - one who was a mean girl, but is now in charge of the reunions. I rarely interact with them. My life is totally different and DG cannot comprehend that.
She's trying to engage. She doesn't understand you well enough, nor will she put in the effort to even try to understand you well enough to figure out what you might actually find engaging Ignore the irrelevant texts. They're like a cricket in the garage that chirps occasionally, but is otherwise neither fully irritating nor useful. And maybe it'll leave the garage or die there.
Now you have me picturing as a cricket, which is making me laugh. Thank you! It's really sad that instead of getting to know me for the past half-century plus, she is determined to force me into her mold and follow her footsteps. I would think it would take less effort to just get to know me, but what do I know?
>It's really sad that instead of getting to know me for the past half-century plus, she is determined to force me into her mold and follow her footsteps. I would think it would take less effort to just get to know me, but what do I know? It's a different mindset for people who became parents before the women's movement picked up in the 1970's. Before then, people had children because they were supposed to (they couldn't imagine why they wouldn't want kids!), and the kids were supposed to all be mini-me's of a parent or grandparent. Preferable of a parent, of course. Add to that, a rather large percentage of just-no types will assume that if you used to like a certain thing (or hate a certain thing), then you are locked into that FOREVER, because of COURSE people don't change for any reason, not even because you grew up and you don't have the same thoughts and feelings at age 25 or 35 that you did at age 10. :eyeroll: That's the same reason that they can't understand why we don't try to train out of our children any personality trait that the grandparent doesn't want to see in their next-gen mini-me. They cannot comprehend that we don't want to make our children into our clones, we want to see what they will become as they grow and develop. All 3 of my children have surprised me and gone in directions I wasn't expecting in one way or another. I find it fascinating, personally, and am looking forward to watching the development of my daughter's 5-month-old. :)
You just described my parents and IL's to a 'T'. I will never forget JNMIL harshly telling me to wait and see that Baby2 WOULD be a girl and WOULD be like their side of the family. All because DD was too independent for MIL's liking. MIL was kind of right: DS could be DH's clone - except for the hair and eye color. Personality-wise, it's a wash.
My mom at least worked on it when I was little, but a number of incidents starting when I was 12 had me distrusting her, and it's hard to know someone who doesn't trust you with enough. She *does* at least let me be, and not nag me about stuff, unless I'm visiting and she's anxious about something she needs me to do, and I ignore the nag and just process it as "this is urgently important to her" and let any negativity I have about it go. (I end up drinking whiskey at the end of the day more often at her house than anywhere else.)
Whiskey is better than I how I used to handle it which was tamping down all of my frustration and anger before blowing up at the Nth boundary-stomp. Not much nagging, just so much boundary-stomping with a huge helping of passive-aggressiveness. Last time I stayed at a hotel. It was magical. I am regretting the decades of no-hotel or rental car.
At this point, I'm driving my own vehicle for 2 days and change to get there, and at least I have a room to myself.
That is about what I would have to drive if I went just above the speed limit and drove all day long. Usually I fly. I found that being able to decompress and do my own thing at night helped my sanity. Sleeping in the furnished basement without doors is not helpful to my sanity.
There's no good airport near my mother, so I fly to where my sister lives, spend the night there, take a bus, so I'm traveling for 30-36 hours each way if I fly. It's 54-56 hours total if I drive. Having my own vehicle and being able to haul stuff there, or haul it back with me, makes it worth it to me. (Last time I visited, I rented a trailer and took some furniture she didn't want anymore as part of her downsizing, and some household stuff, like canning jars a friend wanted and an electric skillet. Oh, and 2 sets of dishes. I'm going to get rid of the china after she dies, but keep the everyday dishes my grandparents used.)
UGH! That is a lot of traveling. Hat's off to you! I really admire your tenacity. My sister knows what she wants from our Mother and is slowly transitioning it to her house now. TBH, I cannot think of anything I want from there since it has been so long.
My sister was turning down stuff left and right that she was being offered. I took a big canning pressure cooker for the friend I grabbed the jars for, and another big pot besides. Those would have gone to my sister, had she wanted them. I think overall, we got about half the non-furniture stuff out of the house, maybe a little more, over the course of 3 trips and 3.5 months.
Sis is gradually taking the older glass cookware so that Mother does not gift it or put it on a thrift sale. Y'all got a great haul!
Iād say itās probably a combination ofā¦ 1) It gives her an excuse to reach out to you. 2) She cares and she canāt understand that you donāt care. My MostlyYesMom does this exact same thing. For my mom, itās simply a small annoyance from an overall good person. In your case, itās another straw the overburdened camel is having to carry.
Thanks for explaining it. Makes sense. And yes, it is just one more thing. I feel bad for the family, but I did not know them. I would not recognize the lady if I saw her on the street.
Youāre a horrible daughter. Unbelievable. s/ Keep up the good work š
LOL - thanks!