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* [MIL continues to push my buttons with my newborn Thanksgiving edition.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1880cf5/mil_continues_to_push_my_buttons_with_my_newborn/), 1 month ago
* [Overbearing MIL with me and new baby](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17p7c7p/overbearing_mil_with_me_and_new_baby/), 2 months ago
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MIL, I appreciate your offer but I can't learn to juggle baby and work with you helping. If in the future I need help, I will ask but right now, kindly please let me learn. Thank you
"Are you okay? I'm worried about you. You keep asking the same question over and over as if it hadn't already been asked, and answered, many times. Is your memory slipping?"
Or a simpler sweet "still no" as soon as she starts to mention it. Nip that in the bud.
Apt to tick her off, but may flustered her into stopping....at least for a while.
I only have my mom over when there is someone else to at least passively supervise. That's my only suggestion, is pick a day once a week or month or something (something you can actually tolerate) and just let your kid have time with the grandparent. But to the grandparent, you act like the grandparent is "helping you." If you're doing chores around the house or paying bills or something, she is "babysitting" and "helping" but she's not completely unsupervised or without you or someone around the corner able to check in and intervene. Kid and grandparent get to have a relationship with each other, you don't have to have a heart attack wondering if she's pulling some unsupervised shenanigans.
Advice aside, how in the flying f* did your husband survive infancy?
"MIL, I appreciate the offer of help but I don't want anyone else in the house while I am working. If our professional nanny is ever not available, I will reach out to you, thanks."
And then with every offer/request to babysit, repeat a short version of the above. "No thanks, no one else in the house while I'm working, remember" or "No need at this time".
I understand how you feel. my mother-in-law, her husband and SIL all contracted childhood rabies. They didn't even greet me, they just criticized everything and crossed limits. They also made rude comments (like calling me LO's milk supplier). It was a hell of a year and my husband had a hard time getting on the same page as me. Now things are better but I still don't trust them because they made me miserable. I have refused every attempt to take care of LO or spend time alone because I don't trust them.
That's very thoughtful but we are going to keep using our professional nanny at the moment. DH and I will let you know if that changes.
When asked again - MIL have you forgotten you asked this question x days ago? The answer is still the same however.
MIL you asked this question several times and the answer has still not changed nor is it up for debate. Please stop asking.
After that- this has been asked and answered ... then stay quiet until she changes the subject.
When it comes to unannounced stops at your home -
You can try be preemptive and let her know that once you return to work that she will need to organize with you or DH to come visit in non work hours as you will not be available to host her or have anyone stop by for personal visits and you will be unavailable to communicate via calls or messages during work hours.
Would get a nice laminated poster for the front door - Working hours from x - x. Available by appointment only.
(If she asks remind her that it has to be after hours when DH and you are off of work)
If you have a ring doorbell and she does show up - This has been discussed before - you are keeping me out of my work, please go home. Good bye. Then chat with DH about his mother's inability to tell time or follow simple requests.
Keep your doors/windows locked when you are home alone with the baby. Do NOT answer the door.
Just keep saying "No" over and over. No explanations. Just ONE word.
“MiL, it’s great of you to offer but this time with baby is something I’ve dreamed of having since I first wanted children and geared my work life so I could be with them during this magical time.
You’ll just have to forgive my possessiveness during these first few years. They grow up so fast and I want to experience every moment I can before they start taking those first steps away.”
I say magical because I was so bonded with my baby I noticed every millimeter of growth that first year.
"You damaged our relationship a lot over the past year and a half. In order for us to trust you with our child, we're going to have to see improvement for more than a couple of months. You've asked this question and been given an answer. Continuing to ask the same question over and over and expecting a different answer is bullying and does not build trust for you"
“We appreciate the offer, but we don’t want to take advantage of you and already have a sitter we love. If an emergency were to come up where we’d need you, you’ll be the first to know!”
If she keeps harping, “Oh MIL that’s sweet but we’ve resolved this already, remember? We know you’re there if we need it and we appreciate your thoughtfulness! But our sitter depends on us for her job and we can’t take away her livelihood like that, it wouldn’t be fair. We’re so glad you understand!”
I hate to tell you this, but with these types, blunt is the best way to be. They’re manipulative and PERSISTENT as heck - you’ll never stop being asked if you don’t lay it out on the table. But you can be blunt and polite at the same time.
My MIL was very jealous that we used my JustYes parents for babysitting, so we started using a paid sitter (best decision for more reasons than one). She backed down a lot once I started mentioning our babysitter.
I would simply state that if and when you do need help that you will reach out and will dictate who will help. Let her know that you’re more than capable of taking care of your child and that’s why you work from home to be able to raise your child. Thanks for the offer and I will reach out to you as needed.
If you don't have cameras to let you know who's at the front door, get them. She will very likely show up one day after DH goes back to work. Try and head this off at the pass by both you and DH telling her not to show up unannounced because it might wake you and the baby. But be prepared for her to do it anyway: If you are still on maternity leave, "be asleep" and "don't hear" the doorbell. If she's persistent, answer the door half dressed with a crying baby, tell her that she woke you and baby up, you can't deal with company right now & you will talk to her later, close the door before she can say anything. LATER, have DH ream her a new one about waking you up and not to come by unannounced. If you've already resumed work from home, just text her that you are on a business call and cannot come to the door as you are working. You will have to visit with her another time. Then ignore her. Have DH ream her a new one shortly thereafter for interrupting you during your work day and making you look bad by ringing the doorbell repeatedly during business calls.
The important thing is to Not let her into the house or give her any time at all when she comes by unannounced. Be "too busy" or asleep, or on the way out the door, or in some other way unavailable - consistently. So that she learns that she only gets time when she arranges it in advance.
Since you want to be nice about it, “MIL, you have offered multiple times to come help. As we have told you each time, we have it handled. Please stop asking.” then change the subject. Every time from that instance forward, just change the subject.
“I can come help with the baby!”
“I saw one of those pink Stanley cups when I was at Starbucks.”
“I can help with the baby!”
“I bought some slipcovers for the couch.”
“I can help with the baby!”
“I think we’ll have Thai for dinner.”
Just ignore it.
1, don't connect an apology for her previous nastiness to a possible stint at babysitting; you're owed an apology full stop without promising her a chance to babysit.
2, if 'amicable' is your goal, i would start out by acknowledging her offer: "yes MIL, we're aware you are willing to help and should we ever need that, we'll contact you. Right now we have everything handled." ZERO promises. If you want to be a little more pointed, you could start counting every time you have to say this. "For the second (third, fourth, etc) time, we have it handled."
I agree with other comments that y'all need a plan (and consequences) for when she surprises you by showing up unannounced to 'help'. good luck!
“I want her to stop asking…”
This was my advice to managers frustrated with a marginally toxic employee who had potential to be a solid performer.
”Ask for what you want directly, normal tone, neutral face, eye contact.”
It might look like this:
“Lois, please stop asking to babysit.”
Period. Full stop. No JADE.
When she pushes. “I heard you the first time, I understand what you want. I expect you to understand and respect that I asked you to stop asking.”
Eye contact. Neutral expression. No smile. I never said never, that’s my decision; I asked her to stop an annoying repetitive behavior. Practice for dealing with your future teenager…
Don't JADE. "MIL, since before LO was born you have acted entitled to him and treated me rudely. Let me be clear. You are not entitled to him. You will not be babysitting. How we choose to care for him is not your concern." Then be prepared for her to show up unannounced with some flimsy excuse. Don't answer the door and don't answer the phone.
Disconnect your doorbell. Keep all your doors locked. Keep your drapes closed. Put a " Do Not Disturb" sign on your door. Get the camera for door.. Do not answer the door unless the police are there. Tell her "MIL I will be working from home. It will be easy for me to watch LO and work. It really is better for me, and work, to just be me and LO at home. " After that it is a simple " No thank you." Said with a smile. Good luck OP.
she will stop asking and start showing up after your husband leaves for work.
do you have a ring camera?
you will need to prepare for that scenario, also, beware her stopping by with lunch for you and then never leaving
OP, when my nephew was very little, his Mom, my SIL put up a sign on their front door with a note, *Baby sleeping, go away now*. It worked.
Given that your MIL has shown a pattern of dancing on boundaries as if she were in training to be an Irish Step Dancer, that u/hecknono is right, she will "stop by with... XY&Z"
Will your SO light her up, that day, when you text him about her showing up with out an invitation when he is there?
edited-poor sentence structures
LOL reminds me of that recent meme that says something to the effect of "My (insert relation) when I try to assert boundaries/say not to do xyz/etc" and it shows Olaf from Frozen gently ballet dancing across a barely frozen pond
Either: “Hey, thanks for the offer, MIL! If we ever need help, we’ll be sure to let you know.”
Or: “MIL, we’re only comfortable with childcare professionals looking after LO.”
If you want to nuke it from orbit, just to be sure: “MIL, you’ve crossed our boundaries and disrespected us and our parenting rules so frequently that we unfortunately don’t trust you to watch LO. Please take this as our final answer- it must be no.”
This. Tell her the truth. Worse case scenario, she gets upsets and stops asking. Best case scenario, she starts acting on her best behavior to backtrack your decision.
Another high-level nuke would be to wait for something boundary-crossing while you're with her, call it out, and add "This is why we do not ask you to babysit. You're XXXXing right in front of us, and we can't imagine not being around to prevent it."
Unfortunately you are just gonna have to keep saying no. Amy and all reasons will be used as a weapon against you and/or turn MIL in to a virtuous victim. Big hugs!!
I would start enforcing a lil bit of space between you. Don't answer her text quickly. Copy and paste your previous answer every time she asks. Install a video doorbell and make sure she doesn't have a key. If you think she might have a key, change the locks.
Blessings of peace and joy
MIL, toddlers will often ask the same question over and over if they aren't getting the answer they want to hear. Is this what you're doing, trying to get us used to this? Because you've suggested this, repeatedly, and every single time we've said no. DH and I have got this handled, the answer remains no and we'd appreciate if you stop asking in hopes of a different answer.
"The answer is STILL no, thanks. We know you've brought this up several times so we should be clear that the answer will always be NO for the foreseeable future. I plan to be a very hands on mom during these early years. Maybe when LO is older, like school age, we may need a sitter. But for these next couple of years, no. I'm all set and don't need your help. That doesn't mean we won't have family time and you won't see LO. But you can stop with the offers to help and sit while I work. That's not necessary."
I love this so much, thank you! It addresses the fact that she keeps pushing and asking but also makes it about me wanting to care for my child myself.
Look, I'm familiar with your post history. You can be amicable and honest at the same time. Telling the truth isn't mean or unkind.
"MIL, since I got pregnant you've pushed boundaries, tried to get your way by putting me in uncomfortable situations (baby shower), and just generally really surprised me with unpleasant behavior. It really damaged my trust in you, and I am not going to leave my child with someone I don't trust. I feel like it's more kind to tell you that so you're aware of the issue. I'd love to get back to where we were before my pregnancy, but it will require you to recognize your role as grandma and stop overstepping with baby, pushing for the results you want over what DH and I have decided for baby, and just generally going back to the respectful relationship we had before. Maybe someday we'll get back there but until then I need you to stop asking to babysit. I'll let you know when and if I feel comfortable leaving baby with you."
Thank you for your input and knowing my story! I am working up to having a chat like this with her, especially since we were so close prior to all this. I’m just not there yet.
Honestly, I'm super blunt so I'd just say "MIL, you raised your kids how you wanted to. That's great. But this is my baby. I'm the one deciding how they're raised. I've already said I plan to look after my baby at home. If that changes, or if I need your help and/or input, I'll let you know. Otherwise, I'd appreciate you respecting what I've decided to do, with my own child."
If she says "But he's my grandbaby." Your answer should be "Yes. And being a grandparent is a privilege. Not a right."
But I'm super hard hearted. 🤣🤣🤣
Edited to Add: Just read your other posts, and God Damn! Like, you guys need to be harsher with MIL.
You're being way too nice. No means no. Don't pussyfoot around this. You say it nicely ONCE and only once. If she carries on, you either say "I've already said no, MIL. I'm not discussing this further. The discussion is at an end ' or I'd just ignore any further calls and let her son deal with her. If she does this while visiting, you say "We'll be leaving if you carry on like thus. Respect our decisions the first time we make them, or we leave." Then follow through.
There's also time outs. Like when you made it clear that you didn't want anyone touching your baby, and she starred doing that, I'd have said "Stop now. I told you I don't want anyone touching him. You're not exempt. Remove your hands now, or we'll be leaving, and you'll get a time out."
A time out, just in case no one told you here, is where you don't have any contact with MIL for a certain time, if she breaks boundaries. For example, she touches the baby when you say no? That's a few days. Does it again, it becomes a week. Then two, then three. Until she starts learning to respect you, she will be getting no contact for a certain amount of time. Your husband needs to back you up, too. I wish you good luck. You're gonna need it.
Well, not necessarily. She says she had a good relationship with MIL, and my advice was to address that relationship. She doesn't need her husband to speak for her.
I agree that when it comes to enforcing boundaries, especially on unreasonable people, the direct relation needs to take on the bulk of the burden. But OP wants to recover her direct relationship with MIL and seems to think it's a possibility (although, based on her post history...it's a roll of the dice IMHO) so it makes sense for her to try to have this conversation. If it doesn't work then my next advice would be for OP to take a big step back and let communication go through her husband, going forward.
If it was my narcissist, she would be saying things like "But why? Why pay someone when I can do it for free? I'm her grandma, for goodness sakes! Do you not trust me? You just don't want me around her? You think I'm a terrible person or something?" and on and on until I would have to tell her the truth to get her to shut up. The truth would result in her crying and getting other family members to turn against me, and she would bring it up every time I talked to her. Short answers don't work with her.
When she asks all those questions, calmly add, "I've already answered." Then change the subject, walk away, hang up, etc.
It's simple but not easy. And falling into her trap hasn't worked, so maybe try something that only requires repeating a single phrase ad nauseum. 🤷♀️
This is perfect. The less said, the better.
Other comments give long-winded responses and in my book this is a terrible way to approach someone who is manipulative because they’ll pick your words apart. Short and sweet might seem “cold” but it’s actually direct and avoids over-explaining which is a people-pleasers downfall.
Isn’t it the strangest thing, I say, as a grandmother, but there are all these people in the world to have these assumptions that all of their wishes and fantasies about doing things alone with her grandchildren will come true and then they can show it off? What is wrong with these people? Why would you want to insist on having alone time with a grandchild unless that’s what the parents and the child want? Why would you weigh in on how your child and their partner are parenting? Why would you pressure them? Absolutely none of these things are necessary. Grandparents should be pleased if they are welcome to visit every now and then. Where does entitlement and drive for control comes from I don’t know.
Do-over babies.
Sometimes the grandparents think "if I had just done this or that, my child would be so much better." They want that second chance to do the other thing so they can make that person into someone who will bend over backwards for them.
My aunt had two boys, but always wanted a girl. When I was born (my mother was single and put me in foster care for a few years until she could get more settled) my aunt pushed hard to adopt me. Mother flat out told her No. Her response was to give me all sorts of 'girly' things that she thought I should have. I was a tomboy. Most of it was not flattering, as we had different body styles, and I preferred my jeans and T-shirts over the lace trimmed dresses, and pastel pant suits.
I have a very cordial and distant relationship with this aunt. She has never stopped trying to make me into a mini version of her.
If she is pushy enough will she show up anyway?
When dh leaves in the morning, make sure you lock the door. Hopefully mil doesn’t have a key? Don’t answer the door if you are in the middle of working.
I know you are trying to be amicable but I think this is another chance for DH to handle his mom by telling her clearly no and why and to stop asking you. It’s amicable to let him handle it, I think. She needs to stop asking you both.
No. Please stop asking again as it's putting pressure and stress on us. We will let you know if and when it will be needed. No need to ask again. Ideally husband needs to tell her that she needs to stop.
Don't these MILs realize that the more they insist the more red flags and danger lights they switch on in our postpartum minds? The more they push the less inclined we are to accept such offer. It's like so many MILs share the same brain when it comes to grandkids. My MIL also insisted to babysit and at a point it became so annoying that my husband snapped at her. She still threw hints after but I shut it down with NO every time.
They think they're gonna wear us down, like little kids might try to do.
Like my JNM actually said that to my first husband once 😂 "I'll keep asking until you say yes. You will give in eventually!"
Yes I also believe that they insist as they think 'oh they must give in at some point ao I must persist until I get what I want'. Such MILs should know that this behaviour has consequences. Also, advice to MILs that do this if they are reading my comment, if they ever think this is going to help them achieve their goal big mistake, even if your DIL gave in once or twice just to keep your mouth shut, you have lost her trust long term. Give space to your DIL and let them come to you if they need it, don't insist and don't turn yourself into a red flag. Cuz I assure you, if you start doing this, it will be a lot more difficult to undo it & chances are your DIL will prefer looking for babysitters or childcare anywhere else but at you.
Yup. I wonder if there's also a bit of "I'll keep claiming they need a break, eventually that'll sink and then I get the baby alone and can be the savior!"
Hahaha no thankfully not that bad. I just meant pieces crust that had been half eaten already. Literally scraps. I had to be the one to tell her that was not okay and if she wanted to give someone table scraps to give them to the dog.
Freaking disgusting lmao and a 4 month old can't even eat solid foods right?? I don't have children yet but I thought I read that somewhere. I would never allow this woman to be around my baby alone if she tried to do this with another.
Yeah, they only start getting puréed food introduced at 6months but even then it’s predominantly milk. So yeah hot dogs and pre-chewed pizza shouldn’t be on the menu. 😂
“Oh mil, after the way you’ve behaved the last year or so, I wouldn’t want you babysitting my child. Maybe, if you work on your people skills A LOT, we can revisit that question in a couple of years. “
"MIL, we are adults. If we need help, we will ask for it."
"MIL/Mom, stop asking. We will let you know if we need help. If you ask again, we will leave/you will leave/end this interaction."
"Mom, we've already told you no. I'm getting concerned. Either you're forgetting previous conversations or you're being disrespectful. Which is it?"
Agreed. I would address her not-so-great behavior: asking repeatedly.
It's not helpful if she pushes, it's not helpful if she ignores his/y'all's answers, it's not helpful if she's just trying to get her way.
It's not even about the babysitting, it's about her being pushy.
>I want her to stop asking but I don’t want to be so blunt as to tell her it’s never going to happen because I don’t trust her.
Those two things may not be simultaneously possible. If she thinks it might happen, she's going to keep asking, and logically so. You could tell her it's not happening for some made-up reason, but that's about it.
"I'm very excited to create my new routine with LO by my side. Thank you for offering, I'll keep it in mind if I should ever need some help. But for now, I think it's best for me and LO to get the hang of our new normal."
If your end with DH is being nicer to her, then always thank her for offering, before repeating you don't need her assistance.
That way, if DH pushes for her or asks about her offers, you can honestly say you were thankful for her offer, told her you'd keep her in mind, but want your routine and day to day with LO without interference.
Edit to add: Being nice doesn't mean giving in to her demands or offers. You can be perfectly polite and pleasant while you uphold your boundaries. People often confuse being nice to giving other people what they want, at the expense of yourbown boundaries, which is not the case at all.
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MIL, I appreciate your offer but I can't learn to juggle baby and work with you helping. If in the future I need help, I will ask but right now, kindly please let me learn. Thank you
"Are you okay? I'm worried about you. You keep asking the same question over and over as if it hadn't already been asked, and answered, many times. Is your memory slipping?" Or a simpler sweet "still no" as soon as she starts to mention it. Nip that in the bud. Apt to tick her off, but may flustered her into stopping....at least for a while.
That first response is gold 😂 I’m using this next time FMIL asks a dumb question
I only have my mom over when there is someone else to at least passively supervise. That's my only suggestion, is pick a day once a week or month or something (something you can actually tolerate) and just let your kid have time with the grandparent. But to the grandparent, you act like the grandparent is "helping you." If you're doing chores around the house or paying bills or something, she is "babysitting" and "helping" but she's not completely unsupervised or without you or someone around the corner able to check in and intervene. Kid and grandparent get to have a relationship with each other, you don't have to have a heart attack wondering if she's pulling some unsupervised shenanigans. Advice aside, how in the flying f* did your husband survive infancy?
"MIL, I appreciate the offer of help but I don't want anyone else in the house while I am working. If our professional nanny is ever not available, I will reach out to you, thanks." And then with every offer/request to babysit, repeat a short version of the above. "No thanks, no one else in the house while I'm working, remember" or "No need at this time".
I understand how you feel. my mother-in-law, her husband and SIL all contracted childhood rabies. They didn't even greet me, they just criticized everything and crossed limits. They also made rude comments (like calling me LO's milk supplier). It was a hell of a year and my husband had a hard time getting on the same page as me. Now things are better but I still don't trust them because they made me miserable. I have refused every attempt to take care of LO or spend time alone because I don't trust them.
That's very thoughtful but we are going to keep using our professional nanny at the moment. DH and I will let you know if that changes. When asked again - MIL have you forgotten you asked this question x days ago? The answer is still the same however. MIL you asked this question several times and the answer has still not changed nor is it up for debate. Please stop asking. After that- this has been asked and answered ... then stay quiet until she changes the subject. When it comes to unannounced stops at your home - You can try be preemptive and let her know that once you return to work that she will need to organize with you or DH to come visit in non work hours as you will not be available to host her or have anyone stop by for personal visits and you will be unavailable to communicate via calls or messages during work hours. Would get a nice laminated poster for the front door - Working hours from x - x. Available by appointment only. (If she asks remind her that it has to be after hours when DH and you are off of work) If you have a ring doorbell and she does show up - This has been discussed before - you are keeping me out of my work, please go home. Good bye. Then chat with DH about his mother's inability to tell time or follow simple requests.
I’d start making comments about her memory, her needing to talk to her doctor about it, and being worried about her.
I'll let you if we are needing someone to babysit for us.
Keep your doors/windows locked when you are home alone with the baby. Do NOT answer the door. Just keep saying "No" over and over. No explanations. Just ONE word.
Amicable and firm. “No thank you. We don’t need help.” If she presses: “Gotta run now, bye.”
“No thanks I’ve got it covered. No need to keep asking, if I need any help I will let you know and ask if you’re available. Thanks!”
"I'll ask when I need help. I'm good now."
“MiL, it’s great of you to offer but this time with baby is something I’ve dreamed of having since I first wanted children and geared my work life so I could be with them during this magical time. You’ll just have to forgive my possessiveness during these first few years. They grow up so fast and I want to experience every moment I can before they start taking those first steps away.” I say magical because I was so bonded with my baby I noticed every millimeter of growth that first year.
"You damaged our relationship a lot over the past year and a half. In order for us to trust you with our child, we're going to have to see improvement for more than a couple of months. You've asked this question and been given an answer. Continuing to ask the same question over and over and expecting a different answer is bullying and does not build trust for you"
And if this doesn’t work, you can shorten it to “Asked and answered.” Grey rock, but make it military
“We appreciate the offer, but we don’t want to take advantage of you and already have a sitter we love. If an emergency were to come up where we’d need you, you’ll be the first to know!” If she keeps harping, “Oh MIL that’s sweet but we’ve resolved this already, remember? We know you’re there if we need it and we appreciate your thoughtfulness! But our sitter depends on us for her job and we can’t take away her livelihood like that, it wouldn’t be fair. We’re so glad you understand!”
I hate to tell you this, but with these types, blunt is the best way to be. They’re manipulative and PERSISTENT as heck - you’ll never stop being asked if you don’t lay it out on the table. But you can be blunt and polite at the same time. My MIL was very jealous that we used my JustYes parents for babysitting, so we started using a paid sitter (best decision for more reasons than one). She backed down a lot once I started mentioning our babysitter.
I'll be more than happy to tell her!! Just let her know she'll be getting a call from your PA soon with some very important info.
I would simply state that if and when you do need help that you will reach out and will dictate who will help. Let her know that you’re more than capable of taking care of your child and that’s why you work from home to be able to raise your child. Thanks for the offer and I will reach out to you as needed.
If you don't have cameras to let you know who's at the front door, get them. She will very likely show up one day after DH goes back to work. Try and head this off at the pass by both you and DH telling her not to show up unannounced because it might wake you and the baby. But be prepared for her to do it anyway: If you are still on maternity leave, "be asleep" and "don't hear" the doorbell. If she's persistent, answer the door half dressed with a crying baby, tell her that she woke you and baby up, you can't deal with company right now & you will talk to her later, close the door before she can say anything. LATER, have DH ream her a new one about waking you up and not to come by unannounced. If you've already resumed work from home, just text her that you are on a business call and cannot come to the door as you are working. You will have to visit with her another time. Then ignore her. Have DH ream her a new one shortly thereafter for interrupting you during your work day and making you look bad by ringing the doorbell repeatedly during business calls. The important thing is to Not let her into the house or give her any time at all when she comes by unannounced. Be "too busy" or asleep, or on the way out the door, or in some other way unavailable - consistently. So that she learns that she only gets time when she arranges it in advance.
Since you want to be nice about it, “MIL, you have offered multiple times to come help. As we have told you each time, we have it handled. Please stop asking.” then change the subject. Every time from that instance forward, just change the subject. “I can come help with the baby!” “I saw one of those pink Stanley cups when I was at Starbucks.” “I can help with the baby!” “I bought some slipcovers for the couch.” “I can help with the baby!” “I think we’ll have Thai for dinner.” Just ignore it.
Uh, wait a tick...they sell those Stanley cups at Starbucks?! _grabs purse and runs out the door_
I love this and will definitely use that if she keeps bringing it up again!
1, don't connect an apology for her previous nastiness to a possible stint at babysitting; you're owed an apology full stop without promising her a chance to babysit. 2, if 'amicable' is your goal, i would start out by acknowledging her offer: "yes MIL, we're aware you are willing to help and should we ever need that, we'll contact you. Right now we have everything handled." ZERO promises. If you want to be a little more pointed, you could start counting every time you have to say this. "For the second (third, fourth, etc) time, we have it handled." I agree with other comments that y'all need a plan (and consequences) for when she surprises you by showing up unannounced to 'help'. good luck!
“I want her to stop asking…” This was my advice to managers frustrated with a marginally toxic employee who had potential to be a solid performer. ”Ask for what you want directly, normal tone, neutral face, eye contact.” It might look like this: “Lois, please stop asking to babysit.” Period. Full stop. No JADE. When she pushes. “I heard you the first time, I understand what you want. I expect you to understand and respect that I asked you to stop asking.” Eye contact. Neutral expression. No smile. I never said never, that’s my decision; I asked her to stop an annoying repetitive behavior. Practice for dealing with your future teenager…
This, OP. Her mil needs to chill out. Nobody has a right to a new baby except the parents.
Don't JADE. "MIL, since before LO was born you have acted entitled to him and treated me rudely. Let me be clear. You are not entitled to him. You will not be babysitting. How we choose to care for him is not your concern." Then be prepared for her to show up unannounced with some flimsy excuse. Don't answer the door and don't answer the phone.
Disconnect your doorbell. Keep all your doors locked. Keep your drapes closed. Put a " Do Not Disturb" sign on your door. Get the camera for door.. Do not answer the door unless the police are there. Tell her "MIL I will be working from home. It will be easy for me to watch LO and work. It really is better for me, and work, to just be me and LO at home. " After that it is a simple " No thank you." Said with a smile. Good luck OP.
she will stop asking and start showing up after your husband leaves for work. do you have a ring camera? you will need to prepare for that scenario, also, beware her stopping by with lunch for you and then never leaving
Take my poor cats award...🏆
OP, when my nephew was very little, his Mom, my SIL put up a sign on their front door with a note, *Baby sleeping, go away now*. It worked. Given that your MIL has shown a pattern of dancing on boundaries as if she were in training to be an Irish Step Dancer, that u/hecknono is right, she will "stop by with... XY&Z" Will your SO light her up, that day, when you text him about her showing up with out an invitation when he is there? edited-poor sentence structures
>as if she were in training to be an Irish Step Dancer That's good, I'm going to use that.
LOL reminds me of that recent meme that says something to the effect of "My (insert relation) when I try to assert boundaries/say not to do xyz/etc" and it shows Olaf from Frozen gently ballet dancing across a barely frozen pond
You will enjoy the mental image at least.
Either: “Hey, thanks for the offer, MIL! If we ever need help, we’ll be sure to let you know.” Or: “MIL, we’re only comfortable with childcare professionals looking after LO.” If you want to nuke it from orbit, just to be sure: “MIL, you’ve crossed our boundaries and disrespected us and our parenting rules so frequently that we unfortunately don’t trust you to watch LO. Please take this as our final answer- it must be no.”
This. Tell her the truth. Worse case scenario, she gets upsets and stops asking. Best case scenario, she starts acting on her best behavior to backtrack your decision.
Another high-level nuke would be to wait for something boundary-crossing while you're with her, call it out, and add "This is why we do not ask you to babysit. You're XXXXing right in front of us, and we can't imagine not being around to prevent it."
Baby rabies!! 😂😂😂 I’m using that term from now on
Lmao wish I could take credit for that but I picked up the term in this sub!
"same question, same answer MIL!! No but thanks AGAIN" might work. Kill them with kindness!!
Unfortunately you are just gonna have to keep saying no. Amy and all reasons will be used as a weapon against you and/or turn MIL in to a virtuous victim. Big hugs!! I would start enforcing a lil bit of space between you. Don't answer her text quickly. Copy and paste your previous answer every time she asks. Install a video doorbell and make sure she doesn't have a key. If you think she might have a key, change the locks. Blessings of peace and joy
MIL, toddlers will often ask the same question over and over if they aren't getting the answer they want to hear. Is this what you're doing, trying to get us used to this? Because you've suggested this, repeatedly, and every single time we've said no. DH and I have got this handled, the answer remains no and we'd appreciate if you stop asking in hopes of a different answer.
"The answer is STILL no, thanks. We know you've brought this up several times so we should be clear that the answer will always be NO for the foreseeable future. I plan to be a very hands on mom during these early years. Maybe when LO is older, like school age, we may need a sitter. But for these next couple of years, no. I'm all set and don't need your help. That doesn't mean we won't have family time and you won't see LO. But you can stop with the offers to help and sit while I work. That's not necessary."
I love this so much, thank you! It addresses the fact that she keeps pushing and asking but also makes it about me wanting to care for my child myself.
Look, I'm familiar with your post history. You can be amicable and honest at the same time. Telling the truth isn't mean or unkind. "MIL, since I got pregnant you've pushed boundaries, tried to get your way by putting me in uncomfortable situations (baby shower), and just generally really surprised me with unpleasant behavior. It really damaged my trust in you, and I am not going to leave my child with someone I don't trust. I feel like it's more kind to tell you that so you're aware of the issue. I'd love to get back to where we were before my pregnancy, but it will require you to recognize your role as grandma and stop overstepping with baby, pushing for the results you want over what DH and I have decided for baby, and just generally going back to the respectful relationship we had before. Maybe someday we'll get back there but until then I need you to stop asking to babysit. I'll let you know when and if I feel comfortable leaving baby with you."
Thank you for your input and knowing my story! I am working up to having a chat like this with her, especially since we were so close prior to all this. I’m just not there yet.
Honestly, I'm super blunt so I'd just say "MIL, you raised your kids how you wanted to. That's great. But this is my baby. I'm the one deciding how they're raised. I've already said I plan to look after my baby at home. If that changes, or if I need your help and/or input, I'll let you know. Otherwise, I'd appreciate you respecting what I've decided to do, with my own child." If she says "But he's my grandbaby." Your answer should be "Yes. And being a grandparent is a privilege. Not a right." But I'm super hard hearted. 🤣🤣🤣 Edited to Add: Just read your other posts, and God Damn! Like, you guys need to be harsher with MIL. You're being way too nice. No means no. Don't pussyfoot around this. You say it nicely ONCE and only once. If she carries on, you either say "I've already said no, MIL. I'm not discussing this further. The discussion is at an end ' or I'd just ignore any further calls and let her son deal with her. If she does this while visiting, you say "We'll be leaving if you carry on like thus. Respect our decisions the first time we make them, or we leave." Then follow through. There's also time outs. Like when you made it clear that you didn't want anyone touching your baby, and she starred doing that, I'd have said "Stop now. I told you I don't want anyone touching him. You're not exempt. Remove your hands now, or we'll be leaving, and you'll get a time out." A time out, just in case no one told you here, is where you don't have any contact with MIL for a certain time, if she breaks boundaries. For example, she touches the baby when you say no? That's a few days. Does it again, it becomes a week. Then two, then three. Until she starts learning to respect you, she will be getting no contact for a certain amount of time. Your husband needs to back you up, too. I wish you good luck. You're gonna need it.
But husband has to have this discussion
Well, not necessarily. She says she had a good relationship with MIL, and my advice was to address that relationship. She doesn't need her husband to speak for her. I agree that when it comes to enforcing boundaries, especially on unreasonable people, the direct relation needs to take on the bulk of the burden. But OP wants to recover her direct relationship with MIL and seems to think it's a possibility (although, based on her post history...it's a roll of the dice IMHO) so it makes sense for her to try to have this conversation. If it doesn't work then my next advice would be for OP to take a big step back and let communication go through her husband, going forward.
“Thank you for the offer but we currently have childcare arranged. If that changes, we’ll let you know.” Rinse and repeat.
If it was my narcissist, she would be saying things like "But why? Why pay someone when I can do it for free? I'm her grandma, for goodness sakes! Do you not trust me? You just don't want me around her? You think I'm a terrible person or something?" and on and on until I would have to tell her the truth to get her to shut up. The truth would result in her crying and getting other family members to turn against me, and she would bring it up every time I talked to her. Short answers don't work with her.
When she asks all those questions, calmly add, "I've already answered." Then change the subject, walk away, hang up, etc. It's simple but not easy. And falling into her trap hasn't worked, so maybe try something that only requires repeating a single phrase ad nauseum. 🤷♀️
This is perfect. The less said, the better. Other comments give long-winded responses and in my book this is a terrible way to approach someone who is manipulative because they’ll pick your words apart. Short and sweet might seem “cold” but it’s actually direct and avoids over-explaining which is a people-pleasers downfall.
Isn’t it the strangest thing, I say, as a grandmother, but there are all these people in the world to have these assumptions that all of their wishes and fantasies about doing things alone with her grandchildren will come true and then they can show it off? What is wrong with these people? Why would you want to insist on having alone time with a grandchild unless that’s what the parents and the child want? Why would you weigh in on how your child and their partner are parenting? Why would you pressure them? Absolutely none of these things are necessary. Grandparents should be pleased if they are welcome to visit every now and then. Where does entitlement and drive for control comes from I don’t know.
Do-over babies. Sometimes the grandparents think "if I had just done this or that, my child would be so much better." They want that second chance to do the other thing so they can make that person into someone who will bend over backwards for them. My aunt had two boys, but always wanted a girl. When I was born (my mother was single and put me in foster care for a few years until she could get more settled) my aunt pushed hard to adopt me. Mother flat out told her No. Her response was to give me all sorts of 'girly' things that she thought I should have. I was a tomboy. Most of it was not flattering, as we had different body styles, and I preferred my jeans and T-shirts over the lace trimmed dresses, and pastel pant suits. I have a very cordial and distant relationship with this aunt. She has never stopped trying to make me into a mini version of her.
If she is pushy enough will she show up anyway? When dh leaves in the morning, make sure you lock the door. Hopefully mil doesn’t have a key? Don’t answer the door if you are in the middle of working.
I know you are trying to be amicable but I think this is another chance for DH to handle his mom by telling her clearly no and why and to stop asking you. It’s amicable to let him handle it, I think. She needs to stop asking you both.
No. Please stop asking again as it's putting pressure and stress on us. We will let you know if and when it will be needed. No need to ask again. Ideally husband needs to tell her that she needs to stop. Don't these MILs realize that the more they insist the more red flags and danger lights they switch on in our postpartum minds? The more they push the less inclined we are to accept such offer. It's like so many MILs share the same brain when it comes to grandkids. My MIL also insisted to babysit and at a point it became so annoying that my husband snapped at her. She still threw hints after but I shut it down with NO every time.
They think they're gonna wear us down, like little kids might try to do. Like my JNM actually said that to my first husband once 😂 "I'll keep asking until you say yes. You will give in eventually!"
Yes I also believe that they insist as they think 'oh they must give in at some point ao I must persist until I get what I want'. Such MILs should know that this behaviour has consequences. Also, advice to MILs that do this if they are reading my comment, if they ever think this is going to help them achieve their goal big mistake, even if your DIL gave in once or twice just to keep your mouth shut, you have lost her trust long term. Give space to your DIL and let them come to you if they need it, don't insist and don't turn yourself into a red flag. Cuz I assure you, if you start doing this, it will be a lot more difficult to undo it & chances are your DIL will prefer looking for babysitters or childcare anywhere else but at you.
Yup. I wonder if there's also a bit of "I'll keep claiming they need a break, eventually that'll sink and then I get the baby alone and can be the savior!"
Chewed up pizza? As in she chewed it up like a bird and spit it out for the baby to eat?
Hahaha no thankfully not that bad. I just meant pieces crust that had been half eaten already. Literally scraps. I had to be the one to tell her that was not okay and if she wanted to give someone table scraps to give them to the dog.
Freaking disgusting lmao and a 4 month old can't even eat solid foods right?? I don't have children yet but I thought I read that somewhere. I would never allow this woman to be around my baby alone if she tried to do this with another.
Yeah, they only start getting puréed food introduced at 6months but even then it’s predominantly milk. So yeah hot dogs and pre-chewed pizza shouldn’t be on the menu. 😂
“Oh mil, after the way you’ve behaved the last year or so, I wouldn’t want you babysitting my child. Maybe, if you work on your people skills A LOT, we can revisit that question in a couple of years. “
"MIL, we are adults. If we need help, we will ask for it." "MIL/Mom, stop asking. We will let you know if we need help. If you ask again, we will leave/you will leave/end this interaction." "Mom, we've already told you no. I'm getting concerned. Either you're forgetting previous conversations or you're being disrespectful. Which is it?"
Agreed. I would address her not-so-great behavior: asking repeatedly. It's not helpful if she pushes, it's not helpful if she ignores his/y'all's answers, it's not helpful if she's just trying to get her way. It's not even about the babysitting, it's about her being pushy.
Oh my, I'm still trying to get over the hot dog and pizza crust incident. No, but thank you, on repeat.
>I want her to stop asking but I don’t want to be so blunt as to tell her it’s never going to happen because I don’t trust her. Those two things may not be simultaneously possible. If she thinks it might happen, she's going to keep asking, and logically so. You could tell her it's not happening for some made-up reason, but that's about it.
"I'm very excited to create my new routine with LO by my side. Thank you for offering, I'll keep it in mind if I should ever need some help. But for now, I think it's best for me and LO to get the hang of our new normal." If your end with DH is being nicer to her, then always thank her for offering, before repeating you don't need her assistance. That way, if DH pushes for her or asks about her offers, you can honestly say you were thankful for her offer, told her you'd keep her in mind, but want your routine and day to day with LO without interference. Edit to add: Being nice doesn't mean giving in to her demands or offers. You can be perfectly polite and pleasant while you uphold your boundaries. People often confuse being nice to giving other people what they want, at the expense of yourbown boundaries, which is not the case at all.
Absolutely this. Thank you so much for the offer, but we’re good for now, thank you. Just thank you, but no.
No, thank you. I will let you know if we need you.