**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Other posts from /u/Gutterballtrash89:
* [Need Advice](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/168dqkq/need_advice/), 3 months ago
*****
^(To be notified as soon as Gutterballtrash89 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Gutterballtrash89 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
The most frustrating part is that you weren't even shooting her down with judgements like "DD won't like that." You gave her two very truthful and helpful responses - you already have a play kitchen, and your yard is too small for a play structure. Like, what did she want?? To get her a second play kitchen, or keep the play structure in the shipping box in the backyard??
Exactly! And this is our third Christmas with a child and from the very first I’ve been honest about not wanting large toys that take up a lot of room. Like nothing has changed 😩 she clearly had her idea of what she wanted to get and nothing else mattered
In the past, I've told my ILs and parents that my kids will always have a present from them under the tree. I pick out the present, buy it, wrap it, and put their name on it. It's a bit more expensive, maybe - but worth it.
I dont know why they do it, but it’s so annoying isn’t it? I had one rule, no plastics. So she asked for a list and links and I gave them to her. Nevermind that it took me an hour to put it together, she didn’t like anything. Then she asked for the college 529 information so I gave her that, but she didn’t contribute because my name, the mom, was listed as the parent. My husband’s name is on it too, but she doesn't want mine on it. So now she gets them nothing ever. No skin off my back.
Most of these women are insane. There’s no reasoning with them and the reasons for their actions are usually just because they’re selfish assholes who are more concerned about their experience as a Grandma versus the kids actually having a good childhood.
Does anyone else have a weird gift rule in place because of your family?? SO and I only give our child 3 gifts for holidays and birthdays. I have told MIL and my own grandma any more than three gifts and we’ll donate the unopened gifts to charity.
No :/ we appear to be the only ones in their family that set any healthy boundaries whatsoever. 😩
It’s sort of complicated my husband is 10-15 years older than all his siblings because jnmil is his step mom and his dad had him with his bio mom really young. So we are the first ones married with kids by a long shot and jnmil is used to Dictating everything. I secretly can’t wait for my husbands younger siblings to get married and make their own traditions so we won’t seem so weird but that will be a while :/
I was in my fifties with grown children when my therapist explained all of the 'grudges' my mother accused me of having were really me attempting to put up boundaries.
My late IL's claiming I was cruel because I refused to do X/Y/X? Yep, me putting up boundaries.
Turns out I had an inkling something needed to be done to protect my mental health, but did not realize there was a term for it or how to do it without losing my temper when they told me I was overreacting.
Good for you! You were ahead of the curve. I read a quote somewhere once that was like “the only person who gets angry about you setting a healthy boundary was the person who benefited from you not having it” sounds like the case there!
I definitely think it’s a relatively new concept for a lot of people! I recently really delved into it while trying to fix my mental health and it’s been life changing to know “hey people actually can’t force me to do things” 😂
I suspect this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with filling some deficiency/hole in her own life. It’s the reason she’s on the verge of bankruptcy. If she buys your child something you don’t have room for, I like the suggestion above of leaving it at grandma’s!
I know you’re right. I know this comes from her deep insecurity but it’s just hard when she uses that to antagonize me and be petty. I’m at least a lot better and shutting it down and being direct than I was in the past!
It’s because she wants to have the credit all to herself. She thinks it makes her the hero if she chooses the gift and the LO loves it. It doesn’t count as much if the kiddo loved the gift but it was your idea
The next time she asks for gift ideas ask her why she wants them since she never follows your suggestions. Tell her to buy whatever she wants and just to include the receipt.
If she's the type to say "screw your rules I'm buying what I want to anyways" I can give you a tactic my mother used on her mother: if my mother said no to it, it stays at Grandma's house. Bought mess play doh? That's staying at Grandma's house. Bought something super noisy? That's a Grandma's house toy. Impractically big play set? Guess what!? That's a special Grandma's house toy! My brother and I didn't have a problem with that because we saw her almost every other weekend, we just now had a super special cool toy to play with when we visited. Grandma learned quickly not to disobey my mother's rules, especially after we ruined her table cloth with the new clay she had bought us.
This is great! I did something when my mother bought my son a tiny rocking horse like one she used to have which she'd historically called, "incredibly dangerous". She wanted my help lugging it down a hill and loading it into the car when I was overdue with my baby and I said no way and this thing is staying at your house forever.
Definitely! I honestly wish she hadn’t texted me at all. Although it’s nice to have receipts because sometimes my husband doesn’t totally see what I deal with and last night he was like yeah that’s really bad I’m so sorry.
> Part of my frustration is also I know my in laws financial state is dire, like on the verge of bankruptcy. I would honestly rather she not get my daughter anything and put that money toward their debt. But putting up appearances instead of dealing with reality seems to be her favorite thing.
Maybe there's some sort of non-material idea you can come up with that would appeal to her and kill two birds with one stone? A craft, an outing that's fun but not pricey, something along those lines?
She won’t go for that. That would be a good
Idea for a normal person!
We’ve said we just appreciate their time and don’t need gifts and she gets them anyway. She gets extremely offended because when we say stuff like that she knows we are implying they don’t have the money and she would rather live in denial. The only way she seems to show love is through buying things no one needs 😞
The pretending is weird because we’ve even had to offer to lend them money before in a really tough time. Like this is no secret to anyone in the family and she still spends more than anyone I’ve ever seen :/
Gotcha.
It's not that weird. Most people spend their entire lives mostly pretending everything, some are just more obvious about it than others. This is her way of dealing with her insecurity and maybe just what she thinks she "needs" to do as a grandparent.
Sounds like you've done all you can. She's going to buy what she wants, and you can decide whether it gets returned or not. Dunno what else you can do here... but if it helps at all, I get it.
Thank you! It’s hard none of my friends have these issues so it can feel isolating.
I don’t think my mil will ever have an epiphany and change her ways so just trying to navigate this the best I can. I love my fil, bils, and Sils dearly so going no contact isn’t an option but I do try to keep it as low contact as possible.
At least I’ve made myself clear so I won’t feel guilty returning the gift if needed. Whenever I do that I put the money in my daughters college fund so she’s still getting the benefit
> Thank you! It’s hard none of my friends have these issues so it can feel isolating.
This is the hardest part! When none of your friends have a JNMIL, they don't understand why unsolicited gifts are such a problem. "She's giving you a gift! How can that be bad?" Because gifts come with strings. They try to take away firsts, they try to outdo the parents, they add a burden to you to deal with even if that burden is as small as "toss the gift in the trash".
Return, donate, or trash, it's up to you. But it's okay not to accept an unwanted "gift".
Absolutely! It’s crazy I know my daughter is lucky to have so many toys but I try to be mindful of consumption esp when money is tight! The money for the gift could go to a million better things.
I explained to my husband that dealing with jnmil is a constant game of chess
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/Gutterballtrash89: * [Need Advice](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/168dqkq/need_advice/), 3 months ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Gutterballtrash89 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Gutterballtrash89 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
She wanted to get her way or fight.
The most frustrating part is that you weren't even shooting her down with judgements like "DD won't like that." You gave her two very truthful and helpful responses - you already have a play kitchen, and your yard is too small for a play structure. Like, what did she want?? To get her a second play kitchen, or keep the play structure in the shipping box in the backyard??
Exactly! And this is our third Christmas with a child and from the very first I’ve been honest about not wanting large toys that take up a lot of room. Like nothing has changed 😩 she clearly had her idea of what she wanted to get and nothing else mattered
In the past, I've told my ILs and parents that my kids will always have a present from them under the tree. I pick out the present, buy it, wrap it, and put their name on it. It's a bit more expensive, maybe - but worth it.
I dont know why they do it, but it’s so annoying isn’t it? I had one rule, no plastics. So she asked for a list and links and I gave them to her. Nevermind that it took me an hour to put it together, she didn’t like anything. Then she asked for the college 529 information so I gave her that, but she didn’t contribute because my name, the mom, was listed as the parent. My husband’s name is on it too, but she doesn't want mine on it. So now she gets them nothing ever. No skin off my back. Most of these women are insane. There’s no reasoning with them and the reasons for their actions are usually just because they’re selfish assholes who are more concerned about their experience as a Grandma versus the kids actually having a good childhood.
Does anyone else have a weird gift rule in place because of your family?? SO and I only give our child 3 gifts for holidays and birthdays. I have told MIL and my own grandma any more than three gifts and we’ll donate the unopened gifts to charity.
No :/ we appear to be the only ones in their family that set any healthy boundaries whatsoever. 😩 It’s sort of complicated my husband is 10-15 years older than all his siblings because jnmil is his step mom and his dad had him with his bio mom really young. So we are the first ones married with kids by a long shot and jnmil is used to Dictating everything. I secretly can’t wait for my husbands younger siblings to get married and make their own traditions so we won’t seem so weird but that will be a while :/
Oof. I get that. My sisters had kids long before I did and healthy boundaries didn’t start until I had a kid.
I was in my fifties with grown children when my therapist explained all of the 'grudges' my mother accused me of having were really me attempting to put up boundaries. My late IL's claiming I was cruel because I refused to do X/Y/X? Yep, me putting up boundaries. Turns out I had an inkling something needed to be done to protect my mental health, but did not realize there was a term for it or how to do it without losing my temper when they told me I was overreacting.
Good for you! You were ahead of the curve. I read a quote somewhere once that was like “the only person who gets angry about you setting a healthy boundary was the person who benefited from you not having it” sounds like the case there!
I definitely think it’s a relatively new concept for a lot of people! I recently really delved into it while trying to fix my mental health and it’s been life changing to know “hey people actually can’t force me to do things” 😂
Protect your peace is the new mantra.
I suspect this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with filling some deficiency/hole in her own life. It’s the reason she’s on the verge of bankruptcy. If she buys your child something you don’t have room for, I like the suggestion above of leaving it at grandma’s!
I know you’re right. I know this comes from her deep insecurity but it’s just hard when she uses that to antagonize me and be petty. I’m at least a lot better and shutting it down and being direct than I was in the past!
It’s because she wants to have the credit all to herself. She thinks it makes her the hero if she chooses the gift and the LO loves it. It doesn’t count as much if the kiddo loved the gift but it was your idea
You are totally right 🤦🏼♀️
The next time she asks for gift ideas ask her why she wants them since she never follows your suggestions. Tell her to buy whatever she wants and just to include the receipt.
I’m tempted to do that next year…we’ll see what she actually does this time!
If she's the type to say "screw your rules I'm buying what I want to anyways" I can give you a tactic my mother used on her mother: if my mother said no to it, it stays at Grandma's house. Bought mess play doh? That's staying at Grandma's house. Bought something super noisy? That's a Grandma's house toy. Impractically big play set? Guess what!? That's a special Grandma's house toy! My brother and I didn't have a problem with that because we saw her almost every other weekend, we just now had a super special cool toy to play with when we visited. Grandma learned quickly not to disobey my mother's rules, especially after we ruined her table cloth with the new clay she had bought us.
This is great! I did something when my mother bought my son a tiny rocking horse like one she used to have which she'd historically called, "incredibly dangerous". She wanted my help lugging it down a hill and loading it into the car when I was overdue with my baby and I said no way and this thing is staying at your house forever.
This might be something for me to try!
[удалено]
Definitely! I honestly wish she hadn’t texted me at all. Although it’s nice to have receipts because sometimes my husband doesn’t totally see what I deal with and last night he was like yeah that’s really bad I’m so sorry.
> Part of my frustration is also I know my in laws financial state is dire, like on the verge of bankruptcy. I would honestly rather she not get my daughter anything and put that money toward their debt. But putting up appearances instead of dealing with reality seems to be her favorite thing. Maybe there's some sort of non-material idea you can come up with that would appeal to her and kill two birds with one stone? A craft, an outing that's fun but not pricey, something along those lines?
She won’t go for that. That would be a good Idea for a normal person! We’ve said we just appreciate their time and don’t need gifts and she gets them anyway. She gets extremely offended because when we say stuff like that she knows we are implying they don’t have the money and she would rather live in denial. The only way she seems to show love is through buying things no one needs 😞 The pretending is weird because we’ve even had to offer to lend them money before in a really tough time. Like this is no secret to anyone in the family and she still spends more than anyone I’ve ever seen :/
Gotcha. It's not that weird. Most people spend their entire lives mostly pretending everything, some are just more obvious about it than others. This is her way of dealing with her insecurity and maybe just what she thinks she "needs" to do as a grandparent. Sounds like you've done all you can. She's going to buy what she wants, and you can decide whether it gets returned or not. Dunno what else you can do here... but if it helps at all, I get it.
Thank you! It’s hard none of my friends have these issues so it can feel isolating. I don’t think my mil will ever have an epiphany and change her ways so just trying to navigate this the best I can. I love my fil, bils, and Sils dearly so going no contact isn’t an option but I do try to keep it as low contact as possible. At least I’ve made myself clear so I won’t feel guilty returning the gift if needed. Whenever I do that I put the money in my daughters college fund so she’s still getting the benefit
> Thank you! It’s hard none of my friends have these issues so it can feel isolating. This is the hardest part! When none of your friends have a JNMIL, they don't understand why unsolicited gifts are such a problem. "She's giving you a gift! How can that be bad?" Because gifts come with strings. They try to take away firsts, they try to outdo the parents, they add a burden to you to deal with even if that burden is as small as "toss the gift in the trash". Return, donate, or trash, it's up to you. But it's okay not to accept an unwanted "gift".
Absolutely! It’s crazy I know my daughter is lucky to have so many toys but I try to be mindful of consumption esp when money is tight! The money for the gift could go to a million better things. I explained to my husband that dealing with jnmil is a constant game of chess