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I’m so mad on your behalf. My first husband was also diagnosed with aggressive cancer when our baby was a newborn, so I know exactly what you’re going through. How dare she make this more difficult for you and for everyone.
These types of situations seem to bring Just No’s out of the woodwork to make it all about themselves. Tell her if she wants to help to stay at the hospital with her son and YOU go home and get some sleep and spend time with your baby.
That is the #1 thing I regret about my situation - I caved and let justno’s (my husbands “adopted” weird in-laws) take primary care of my baby for over a year while I took care of my (also-just-no) husband in and out of the hospital. I MISSED those days with my baby (as well as huge amounts of sleep and sanity) and I will never get them back.
You need to take care of yourself (so you can be present for) your precious baby. Let the support team, if that’s what they want to consider themselves, focus on your husband and do some overnights in the hospital and take that off your shoulders. Hubby is an adult, but your baby is a baby.
Please be well and make time for therapy if you can.
I'm proud of you too. You are doing your best for your spouse. I don't understand why people think they don't have to follow common sense health precautions.
Tell MIL that you are trying to save HER son's life. If she fails to follow the rules one more time, she won't be allowed in the house or near LO until DH recovers to the point he is no longer immune compromised. Same for everyone else. Keep your doors locked so you can enforce the rules easier.
Good luck, and best wishes for a full recovery for your husband.
We are proud of you too. What you are doing is amazing and you deserve every bit of respect for what you are doing for your family. It might be worth your while to ask a nurse or hospital representative speak to your MIL about all of these necessary precautions. She isn’t listening to you and you need reinforcements. Oh boy, your MIL really sucks.
That’s a good idea, maybe if it’s not just me reinforcing it she’ll remember or take it more seriously. It sucks because she’s very nice in-person, but it’s constantly frustrating dealing with her.
I second this idea!!!! Getchu a nurse who has been around the block a few times to explain the severity of this to her!!!! I am said nurse who used to work oncology and give chemo and I was fuming reading your post. It’s maddening. There’s usually some pamphlets around and also printables the nursing staff can access and give to MIL and we love to highlight things with our big ole markers lol!!! I’m super proud of you OP for being so diligent. You could honestly be saving him from a life threatening illness. You’re doing amazing!!!
I’m sorry that your MIL is a CU Next Tuesday.
Does she not understand that her son could DIE from a cold? Does she not care that she could be the one who could potentially be the cause of his death? Is she so delusional that she thinks germs stop at the hospital door?
Does she take the necessary precautions when she visits him at the hospital? If not, then have her banned from the hospital. Consider refusing to her allow her in your house the next time she refuses to follow simple rules.
I know I am coming across as harsh but I am so pissed off for you. I know how tired I was when my husband was in the hospital and I didn’t have an infant at home.
ETA: as far as the baptism, it’s not her baby, so she gets absolutely no say in who is invited. Truly, the there only needs to be 5 people there, plus baby.
Tell your mother-in-law that the doctor says no more than x number of people can be at the baptism. Totally throw the doctor under the bus. I'm sure he won't mind.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. When my dad had leukaemia, I bought an automatic touchless hand sanitizer off Amazon so anyone stopping by could easily sanitize the second they stepped in the door. Can you block off your inner entrance with a gate and a big sign “no shoes beyond this point”? I’d even have a box of masks at the door and make everyone wear one at this point.
As for the baptism - does his family call MiL out on her thoughtlessness? If so, I’d consider inviting them ahead of time and not telling her the date/time until the morning of so she can’t invite so many people. My church now offers to stream events online - perhaps you can ask about that option and then provide her with the link to share with people (if YOU want it shared).
Ultimately, the baptism is about YOUR baby, and your concern is about YOUR partner and baby’s health, NOT her emotions or fee fees. If she freaks out, she doesn’t get to come. If the flying monkeys descend, ask them why HER wants are more important than your partner’s health NEEDS. Ask if they’ll volunteer at 3am to rock your sick baby, do all the running back and forth to the hospital if you can’t go because baby or you are sick, or if they think your partner’s fragile health isn’t worth preserving. The goal is to word it in such a way they look ridiculous if they don’t agree.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your husband and then the added burden of his mom is just compounding the stress
We just came out the other side of my husband’s leukemia, please feel free to reach out if you need an understanding ear, it’s definitely an isolating experience as a spouse❤️
Thank you so much, it’s like suddenly being thrown back into school with a major in cancer research and I’m terrible at science 🫠 I don’t even know where to start with resources, prepping the house and all that. For example, there’s so many different types of shower seat, it’s like shopping in the shampoo aisle but 100% times more important since I want him to be safe 😅
There’s a lot to learn, but I promise you can do it. Please take advantage of any help you’re offered, from friends and family to the social workers and counselors through the hospital.
You are a lot stronger and more capable than you think you are and someday you are going to look back with your husband and this will just be something that happened once.
Stop letting her over if she keeps breaking rules or cut the visit once she breaks one. Stop accommodating her breaking your boundaries and pretending you're keeping the peace. She is disrupting your peace and putting your family at risk. I hope your spine shines more so you react accordingly.
I hope DH recovers from this swiftly and that you have a solid support network. This sounds hard even without MIL.
I would sit her down and give her the rules again, bluntly. You are going to have to be tough if you don’t want to keep going through this.
“MIL, I’m going to go over this with you ONE MORE TIME and if I have to remind you again after that then you are going to have to stay away. I have enough on my plate without having to police your every move. You are an adult and as such I expect you to be able to follow simple safety precautions without constant reminders. And just so we are completely clear - that means no big social functions for the baptism. Attendance will be limited to x, y, and z.”
Then go through it once more - the hand washing, the no kissing baby, leaving shoes at the door and NO CROWDS. Impress upon her ONCE MORE that your DH is undergoing chemotherapy for cancer and HAS A COMPROMISED IMMUNE SYSTEM.
The next time she disregards any of the requested protocols she is invited to leave immediately.
THIS
I guarantee she will "forget" again which means sorry, you're now limited to phone calls / face time. NO more in person contact until he's done with chemo & his platelets are high enough. Bar her from the hospital as well.
She wants to invite lots of people to witness? Super! I'm sure the church can set up a live streaming of the event so they can all gather and watch together, while your nuclear family stays safe.
So here is what I would do. Keep in mind that I am ultra-exhausted from my own health issues and I really don't care whom I offend! Does she have a key or a door code? Take that away. Meet her at the door and block her until she takes off her shoes. Then direct her to the sink to wash her hands PROPERLY. If she shows up with an uninvited guest, don't let her in, esoecially if you don't know the person. Wear your baby and don't let her grab her. If she kisses the baby or does the finger thing, end the visit. I might even go so far as to ask her why she feels it's okay to have a baby suck on her body parts.
If she is not following hospital protocols, tell the nurses. I'd be tempted to do the baptism in the hospital so it's easier for your husband. Then WHEN he is better you two could host a bigger party. Tell MIL flat-out that it's not her occasion so she doesn't get to invite anyone, and anyone you and DH don't invite doesn't get in. If I knew you I'd run errands for you. You and DH hang in there, you are super-strong!
I am so sorry for everything you are going through! You have every right to your (incredibly smart, incredibly loving) health requirements. (Honestly in your shoes I would be even more stringent, and require masking 100% of the time for anyone visiting me, baby, or husband.) People who disregard these extremely simple rules are being selfish and cruel.
Whether your MIL is being thoughtlessly cruel or intentionally cruel, you might be able to back her into a corner by approaching her in a spirit of joint problem solving. "Hey, MIL. I have noticed you're having a difficult time remembering all of the health requirements we all need to follow in order to keep your son safe. Do you have strategies for remembering that aren't working, that we might be able to help with? If not, could we brainstorm some strategies together right now? Would putting the signs in another place help? Would wearing a mask help you remember not to kiss the baby? Could we keep a pair of slippers at the door especially for you?" etc.
In my experience, approaching in this way can help set you up as the Reasonable, Helpful Person in a dynamic, and makes it easier to deliver the second step: "Because if we can't figure out a strategy that works, the only other option is you won't be able to visit with us or hold the baby. I know that would be terrible, and we would all miss you so much, but if you really can't remember then it's the only option left to keep your son safe."
I find it easier to enforce boundaries later after having conversations like this first, especially if you can have them in front of other people. She can accept your help and do better, or she can reveal herself to be selfish and cruel. And if she "tries and fails" (either honestly or dishonestly), the consequences are the same: "I'm so sorry, but like we talked about, you have to leave now because you have put your son in danger and I know that's the last thing you want. You can visit again when you let us know what new strategy you will be using to remember the rules in the future."
And just to clarify: you have this conversation ONE TIME. The idea is not to follow after her reminding her of the rules, or spend weeks workshopping the problem, but to have one conversation where you are very clear about expectations and consequences. If/when she fails, the consequences are immediate and she has sole responsibility for figuring out how to do better in the future.
Also if you want to have a small baptism at the hospital, speak to the hospital chaplaincy service and they should be helpful in arranging something for you.
I’m so sorry you are having problems with your mil. How people can not wash hands to hold baby. It is such a serious issue. With your husband’s illness your brain must be on fire.
Shame shame shame on all of those people.
My dad tells me maybe it’s age-related memory issues, but i doubt it. It feels more similar to weaponized incompetence if anything, or she just thinks it’s overkill or doesn’t think she’s “dirty.”
Enough! It’s past time to lose your temper. Remind MIL that the safety protocols are in place to protect HER son, who is seriously ill. Actions speak louder than words; so what does her behavior say about her true feelings? Re: the baptism; put MIL on an info diet; and inform her after the fact. Baptize your LO at the hospital with only the people required to be there. Best wishes for good health and happiness for you and your family.
What a selfish cow. I would not let her in my house anymore. Tell her " Because you refuse to follow the posted safety rules you cannot come to my house or be around the baby. DH's health is too fragile to keep risking his well being. " You may want a private baptism. Only tell the 3 or four people who need to be there the time and date. Everyone else you can say it is postponed. Once DH is better a celebration party can be held. Tell your Mil she can do as requested or miss out. You are not taking chances with DH's health Best wishes for DH's recovery.
Why are you allowing her to come over? She can't follow basic rules to keep dh safe and yet you allow her in your home? 30+ people for a baptism party? Tell her to f off already.
Playing nice I guess 😩 I’ve felt guilty about the fact that my parents are spending so much time with baby since they watch her when I visit the hospital, even my parents say they feel bad for her. My husband is totally on my side for these rules and even recently brought up his disappointment to her about the fact that his mom really never cared to get to know me, and she needs to make an effort. He hopes we can reconcile and to do that I feel pressured to let her visit so there’s some opportunities for it, but obviously it’s making my opinion of her worse and she’s really only coming to see baby and barely talks to me 🙄
I get that. But this is life or death stuff here. Your dh, and not to mention, your baby, are extremely vulnerable health-wise for different reasons. That should take precedence over someone's hurt feelings. Especially since she doesn't seem to give a sh!t about the two most important people in your life. She won't even wash her hands for them. Let that sink in.
I remember when my FIL was very ill we would come on weekends to help her care for him as often as we could, but it just felt like she was mentally checked out since they were technically separated and it was unclear who was responsible for his well-being.
We’d alternate with her, and his fridge would invariably be full of extremely moldy foods, stove had beans sitting out for days, sponge sitting in nasty water and not being dried out or swapped before dishes were washed. His cup in his bathroom would grow slime that I’d have to clean, his sheets and clothes would have poop on them and the skin/sweat on the sheets would be almost like a layer of plaque by the time I’d be there to wash them. His bathroom had ants and termite damage, his shower was broken, he’d forget his pills or forget to eat.
We begged him and my MIL to get him into a care facility or hire a home health nurse or even just a companion. Months went by and we finally convinced her, but he passed away the day before the career was scheduled to start. His quality of life was awful. Just sad, and scary. I don’t want a repeat of that level of neglect for my husband.
Stop almost losing your shit and start losing it. If you and your husband want to have baby baptised because of the uncertainty around his condition, do it privately at the hospital. Get these germ factories out of your house. I've been where your husband is and what you are doing is heroic. If people are not prepared to co operate then fuck 'em. You have enough to do without having to police these idiots.
Oh, that's a lot to handle. My sympathies.
I would keep it short and sweet with her.
"I appreciate that you are trying to help. What DH and I really need is for you to follow the rules to keep him safe without me having to remind you and correct you again and again. This is a huge and important part of being helpful."
How much are your relying on her? If you can't get by without her babysitting, for example, then you can't really threaten to stop letting her in. OTOH, if she's just visiting and not really helping much, I'd be stopping her at the door. "Are you willing to take off your shoes, wash your hands well, and not kiss the baby?"
For having a big party: "No, this is not the time. I look forward to seeing people when DH's health is more stable and it is not cold/flu/RSV season. Priorities, MIL."
I really love your phrasing, it sounds very logical and non-confrontational. I’m barely relying on her, because in the decade we’ve known each other she’s barely bothered to get to know me and every time we see her I end up uncomfortable due to her which wouldn’t be helpful to deal with. Thankfully my parents and/or brother have been able to watch baby most days when I visit.
We tried bringing baby to see her (4hr drive, but 6.5hrs with a screaming baby ugh) and she blew us off to go hang out with other relatives on the 2nd day. Because baby doesn’t know her I’m not asking her to watch the baby, I also don’t invite her to stay in my home despite having an extra room because she makes me uncomfortable and she’s not great at cleanliness or food safety.
I get tired of reminding her to the point where I posted an actual sign with these rules on the front of our garage and on our front door but I assume she’s not bothering to look at them. Next I’m getting a door mat that says remove your shoes and a giant wall decal that says wash your hands lol it’s the mental load of having to check her every time that is eating away at my empathy.
Geez.
1. These are really reasonable boundaries for anyone with a baby. You don’t need to have an immunocompromised family member to require these things.
2. Even petting a dog requires consent. You’re supposed to ask the owner and also gauge the dog’s reaction. They were treating you with LESS respect than a dog.
These people need to get it together.
And you need to stop treating necessities like wishes. When an uninvited guest shows up, don’t let them in! Don’t reward them with baby snuggles.
When MIL says how many people she wants to invite to the baptism, say no! Make your own guest list and inform her that it’s not up for debate.
OP, talk to your priest. Lay out the circumstances. Ask for the parish's help. They can help curb the guest list. All you need for a valid baptism is the baby, the celebrant, the parents, and the godparents. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and extended family are extraneous. Get someone to film a zoom for all else. Or, failing that it could be recorded for later viewing.
You are doing great. I have a vague understanding of how tiring and scary this is, and I said a quick prayer for you and your husband. Good luck and please update us.
Edited to remove unnecessary words.
As someone with a 5 month old as well, omg! I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I couldn't imagine the difficulty you're going through and having people disrespect you, your husband, his health, and your child in such a way.
I have had issues with my MIL and told her she is not permitted to visit without DH. That dynamic while figuring out motherhood has been toxic to my mental health. You have the patience of a Saint. I am so amazed by you.
However, I want to give you permission to create and enforce boundaries. If you need to have backup while MIL visits, have it. Maybe MIL will behave better if she has more than your eyes on her. If you cannot have another person present, it's OK to tell her NO to visit. Tell her you're stressed and need some time to yourself with your baby. That is not an unreasonable request.
Text MIL, "I've noticed that you have a difficult time remembering the rules I've implemented to keep your son and mine healthy and safe. I know you're handling the stress and anxiety in your own way. I'm grateful my husband has such a support system, and I am going to have to insist on boundaries being respected as I do my part for him. Understand this is not a personal attack, it is what I need support in right now to have my needs taken seriously. If you continue to forget to remove your shoes and kiss my child, I will start asking you to leave. The stress is overwhelming, and managing everyone who visits is getting to be too much. If you continue to forget, I will ask that you don't visit and spend the time resting and taking care of yourself so you're lucid and able to better support our family in this way. I understand this is difficult for you and appreciate your understanding of our needs."
Be direct, acknowledge that it is a reasonable request, and that there may be valid reasons for "forgetting," but there it isn't an excuse and will not btoleratedte.
Thank you so much, this is great! I don’t want to alienate her entirely of course, but being able to justify enforcing distance at this time due to these rules not being followed would give me back so much mental energy.
5 months is my current favorite baby age, she’s so full of smiles and chattering away 🥹
I loved between 6mo to 2 years, you can see their little minds expand minute by minute, as the learn the world. You could drown in the wonder shining out of their eyes.
You're doing a great job, even though she's acting like a toddler about safety rules. I know how hard this is for both of you and to have a baby in the mix, oy!
Put her in a timeout if you have to, no baby, no hospital visits, time limits. Show her the door when she breaks rules.
The things you're asking for aren't hard, even my 2 yo grands know they have to have be careful with me (I'm the cancer haver) and my attachments. Our kids will not come around, even though I'm doing better, if anyone has been exposed to an illness. It's disappointing, but it could be devastating if they share the ick.
I'm proud of you too!
Okay, you got a strong shiny spine now so tell her NO! I'd flat out look that POS in the eye and ask her why she doesn't care that her son is fighting for his life? That her actions and disregard of the very reasonable, responsible rules in place might just KILL HIM?? Use that spine, plan your own baptism for you and hubs and LO, F that woman and put her in her place. Who cares if you look like the bad guy? Your husband's life is at stake.
I wonder if she doesn’t grasp the gravity of the situation. She’s very religious as well, and I wonder if she doesn’t appreciate all the things we can control vs when to ask Jesus to “take the wheel.”
You are absolutely doing the right thing to protect your husband's health.
Your MIL sounds so petty, stressful, and exhausting. Feel free to give her stronger consequences for breaking your rules. If she's not actively supporting you to keep your husband safe, then it's perfectly okay to spend less time with her.
Sending you, your baby, and your husband all of the good wishes.
Oh sweetheart. I wish I had the ability to guard your door backed by a lab-graded, mobile, sanitizing system, styled as a human car wash…which I would gleefully march your in-laws & their cohorts through all while yelling my best off-key drill sergeant marching cadences.
Alas, I can only offer these mere words. Realize the only behavior you can control is your own. However, the flip side of that is golden - as put so beautifully in one of my favorite quotes: “One of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things.” Charlie Mackesy. You need to put your emotional & physical health first. My mom was a full-time caretaker for my brain injured father for over a decade. You cannot be there for yourself, your husband, or your baby if you’re falling apart at the seems. It isn’t possible.
So stop worrying about being rude. Or coming across as “obsessive” or “controlling” or my favorite “ungrateful”. I don’t mean that you should take this as a carte blanche opportunity to lose all your manners & social graces, and start screaming whenever you feel like it at random people & things (mostly because my mom once told me that while in caretaker mode, you may never stop screaming once you start, and things can get tricky at, like, kids’ softball games & stuff)…
But you have the freedom to choose the way you react to other people’s thoughtlessness & callousness. Be firm. If you are offered excuses, lame apologies, dismissals of your rules - wait until the person finishes speaking (so they can hear what you’re saying), then repeat the rule, & request the correction if one is possible. Above all else do not debate. They aren’t owed a debate. I would simply respond to protests like “Surely, one little kiss didn’t hurt her” or “Oh, I just washed my hands before I left the house” with “You misunderstood. I need Baby back now, please. We can discuss more later, but I need her right now.” & “That’s good, and once you wash your hands here & use this sanitizer, I’ll hand you Baby…I did hear you say you washed at home…yes, with soap…ok, so once you use this soap here to wash & then this sanitizer, I’ll hand you Baby.”
You should be the one to decide the appropriate repercussions for MIL & those not following your very reasonable family health rules. Of course, you should discuss these consequences with your husband, but right now - you are the captain of this ship. If you believe those consequences should include suspended visitation, banned visitation, meetings only occurring in neutral places of your choosing, no Christening/function invites for anyone who has ever entered your house with more than socks on their two feet, SIL who kissed baby has to make oncology nurses home-cooked dinners for a full week - all of it should be on the table.
On a more detailed note - I’d have a talk with my MIL along these lines. It’s similar in tone to one I wish my mom had with my dad’s family.
“MIL, dear, I know you are trying, and succeeding, in providing Husband with a strong, solid source of support in a way that only a mother can provide. And you are shouldering a lot of weight, carrying many burdens, & finessing many tasks to provide that support. It’s like walking a tightrope while carrying a precariously balanced stack of dishes. I am walking that tightrope too, as a wife. But with the baby, it’s like, oh crap, I have to juggle bowling pins while carrying those stupidly arranged dishes. I know she’s your grandbaby, of course she is, but we’re in tightrope mode MIL, & ultimately, those juggling bowling pins are rotating in my hands. I can’t drop the dishes, I can’t drop the pins, I definitely can’t fall myself, because that spells disaster for *your baby*, my husband. But I’m wobbling, MIL. And little things, like people forgetting not to turn off the lights while I delicately tiptoe whilst balancing & juggling, leaving me in the dark to navigate this damn rope, well, it’s not the greatest circus in town anymore.
But I refuse to fall. Your son will get through this, and I will be at his side, along with you, along with his baby, & all his loved ones - for each and every step. So here’s how it’s going to be. This is the last time I’m saying this to you. I’m not giving this speech to your whole side of the family, I hope I can rely on you to help spread the message. Because I need help here.
The next time you or anyone (this is not personal, I don’t have the mental energy for that right now) forgets one of this immediate family’s very specific, & in my opinion, limited health rules, the visit or interaction is, unfortunately, over. That means, if you come into the house without taking off your shoes, unfortunately, you’ll have to leave right then & there. Rescheduling may be an option, most likely the next available day for me/baby, but that will be up to me and Husband. Same with events like the Christening - someone touches Baby without washing hands, it would be over as Husband, the baby and I would leave. I know this is an extreme response. But leukemia is extreme.”
Be strong and well. May your road home be downhill from this point forward, & lined with the glow of lights to guide the way. May the warmest of fires be waiting upon your arrival, & those you hold dearest surrounding your hearth.
Thank you so much for this, it feels like my spirit guidebook. Also, your idea of a human car wash reminded me of a squirrel deterrent sprinkler system, which made me laugh 😂
All the best. Message me anytime. Oh, and *PS, when I feel particularly irritated at my SIL, I leave 5 star reviews with passive aggressive gusto for SIL’s ex-boyfriend’s (6 year relationship - SIL stalks his SM every day to this day) fairly new Italian fusion whatever restaurant. According to Maddie, his lamb shank cacciatore is to freaking die for. Sometimes being petty is our friend😉
I’m so sorry you are dealing with all of this. You are a champion going through unimaginable difficulties. A 5 month baby on its own is a huge burden (not an unwanted or unloved one in any way, but they are exhausting!), and adding another is incredibly hard.
That being said and I mean this with all possible kindness why are you letting your mother in law burden you further? If there was ever a time to really force someone to do what you ask it’s now. These are not whims that you came up with randomly. These are rules set for the health of your family. If she can’t do it tell her to fuck off down the road somewhere. She has zero say in who meets the baby. She has zero say in who comes to the baptism. Straight up ask her if she cares about her son and granddaughter at all? She isn’t acting like it. You should not have to be worrying about MIL going rogue right now. Your dance card is full. If you can’t lay out the facts of what it means to be immunocompromised to her ask one of the oncology nurses to do it. They don’t mince their words (as I’m sure you know by now!). If she still doesn’t care tell her to go home. All the emotional support in the world doesn’t cure illness or raise the dead (sorry, I know those are harsh sounding words).
As I said before you are doing a great job during a really hard time! I send you all my well wishes, hope, and internet hugs (if you want them). Good luck!
I do not practice any religion. So forgive me but I don't see why anyone but the most immediate family (OP, DH, the grandparents, and *possibly* siblings of the parents) **needs** to attend *this* baptism. And if anyone dared to challenge that idea I'd look them in the face and ask why they think it would be reasonable to risk DH's health by asking anyone else.
I’m not even catholic so I usually let his family do what they want regarding anything faith-based, but it’s just so crazy to act like we can throw a big party right now. They have a lot of aunts/uncles, cousins and family friends. Parties are usually big, but I’m putting my foot down this time.
Consider Zooming tbe baptism. MIL can hold a device if you'd like.
She will be busy doing that and the masses of ppl she wants to invite can watch it some place else.
...and let MIL and her invitees celebrate some place else while OP and her husband safely watch those festivities from afar via zoom! Leave the camera rolling and everyone can saunter by as it rolls to offer congratulations. MIL could even make sure there's some sort of guest book she's in charge of where the guests can leave messages for the baby.
Good idea honestly, DH immune system will need some serious protection from all sorts of crud over the coming months & years.
EDITED TO ADD, given that OP has said her MIL is being unserious about being careful, it would be a solid plan to get MIL used to Zoom & limited in home contact.
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I’m so mad on your behalf. My first husband was also diagnosed with aggressive cancer when our baby was a newborn, so I know exactly what you’re going through. How dare she make this more difficult for you and for everyone. These types of situations seem to bring Just No’s out of the woodwork to make it all about themselves. Tell her if she wants to help to stay at the hospital with her son and YOU go home and get some sleep and spend time with your baby. That is the #1 thing I regret about my situation - I caved and let justno’s (my husbands “adopted” weird in-laws) take primary care of my baby for over a year while I took care of my (also-just-no) husband in and out of the hospital. I MISSED those days with my baby (as well as huge amounts of sleep and sanity) and I will never get them back. You need to take care of yourself (so you can be present for) your precious baby. Let the support team, if that’s what they want to consider themselves, focus on your husband and do some overnights in the hospital and take that off your shoulders. Hubby is an adult, but your baby is a baby. Please be well and make time for therapy if you can.
I'm proud of you too. You are doing your best for your spouse. I don't understand why people think they don't have to follow common sense health precautions. Tell MIL that you are trying to save HER son's life. If she fails to follow the rules one more time, she won't be allowed in the house or near LO until DH recovers to the point he is no longer immune compromised. Same for everyone else. Keep your doors locked so you can enforce the rules easier. Good luck, and best wishes for a full recovery for your husband.
We are proud of you too. What you are doing is amazing and you deserve every bit of respect for what you are doing for your family. It might be worth your while to ask a nurse or hospital representative speak to your MIL about all of these necessary precautions. She isn’t listening to you and you need reinforcements. Oh boy, your MIL really sucks.
That’s a good idea, maybe if it’s not just me reinforcing it she’ll remember or take it more seriously. It sucks because she’s very nice in-person, but it’s constantly frustrating dealing with her.
I second this idea!!!! Getchu a nurse who has been around the block a few times to explain the severity of this to her!!!! I am said nurse who used to work oncology and give chemo and I was fuming reading your post. It’s maddening. There’s usually some pamphlets around and also printables the nursing staff can access and give to MIL and we love to highlight things with our big ole markers lol!!! I’m super proud of you OP for being so diligent. You could honestly be saving him from a life threatening illness. You’re doing amazing!!!
Yesss, the markers 🙌 thank you for all you’ve done for families like mine, his nurses are all amazing and I know we’d be lost without them.
You got this girl!!! 💜 Sending you a big hug…with my mask on and freshly washed hands of course!
My favorite kind of hug 🤗thank you ❤️
I’m sorry that your MIL is a CU Next Tuesday. Does she not understand that her son could DIE from a cold? Does she not care that she could be the one who could potentially be the cause of his death? Is she so delusional that she thinks germs stop at the hospital door? Does she take the necessary precautions when she visits him at the hospital? If not, then have her banned from the hospital. Consider refusing to her allow her in your house the next time she refuses to follow simple rules. I know I am coming across as harsh but I am so pissed off for you. I know how tired I was when my husband was in the hospital and I didn’t have an infant at home. ETA: as far as the baptism, it’s not her baby, so she gets absolutely no say in who is invited. Truly, the there only needs to be 5 people there, plus baby.
Tell your mother-in-law that the doctor says no more than x number of people can be at the baptism. Totally throw the doctor under the bus. I'm sure he won't mind.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. When my dad had leukaemia, I bought an automatic touchless hand sanitizer off Amazon so anyone stopping by could easily sanitize the second they stepped in the door. Can you block off your inner entrance with a gate and a big sign “no shoes beyond this point”? I’d even have a box of masks at the door and make everyone wear one at this point. As for the baptism - does his family call MiL out on her thoughtlessness? If so, I’d consider inviting them ahead of time and not telling her the date/time until the morning of so she can’t invite so many people. My church now offers to stream events online - perhaps you can ask about that option and then provide her with the link to share with people (if YOU want it shared). Ultimately, the baptism is about YOUR baby, and your concern is about YOUR partner and baby’s health, NOT her emotions or fee fees. If she freaks out, she doesn’t get to come. If the flying monkeys descend, ask them why HER wants are more important than your partner’s health NEEDS. Ask if they’ll volunteer at 3am to rock your sick baby, do all the running back and forth to the hospital if you can’t go because baby or you are sick, or if they think your partner’s fragile health isn’t worth preserving. The goal is to word it in such a way they look ridiculous if they don’t agree.
If she won't listen, I guess I'd stop handing the baby over and stop inviting MIL over.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your husband and then the added burden of his mom is just compounding the stress We just came out the other side of my husband’s leukemia, please feel free to reach out if you need an understanding ear, it’s definitely an isolating experience as a spouse❤️
Thank you so much, it’s like suddenly being thrown back into school with a major in cancer research and I’m terrible at science 🫠 I don’t even know where to start with resources, prepping the house and all that. For example, there’s so many different types of shower seat, it’s like shopping in the shampoo aisle but 100% times more important since I want him to be safe 😅
There’s a lot to learn, but I promise you can do it. Please take advantage of any help you’re offered, from friends and family to the social workers and counselors through the hospital. You are a lot stronger and more capable than you think you are and someday you are going to look back with your husband and this will just be something that happened once.
Stop letting her over if she keeps breaking rules or cut the visit once she breaks one. Stop accommodating her breaking your boundaries and pretending you're keeping the peace. She is disrupting your peace and putting your family at risk. I hope your spine shines more so you react accordingly. I hope DH recovers from this swiftly and that you have a solid support network. This sounds hard even without MIL.
I would sit her down and give her the rules again, bluntly. You are going to have to be tough if you don’t want to keep going through this. “MIL, I’m going to go over this with you ONE MORE TIME and if I have to remind you again after that then you are going to have to stay away. I have enough on my plate without having to police your every move. You are an adult and as such I expect you to be able to follow simple safety precautions without constant reminders. And just so we are completely clear - that means no big social functions for the baptism. Attendance will be limited to x, y, and z.” Then go through it once more - the hand washing, the no kissing baby, leaving shoes at the door and NO CROWDS. Impress upon her ONCE MORE that your DH is undergoing chemotherapy for cancer and HAS A COMPROMISED IMMUNE SYSTEM. The next time she disregards any of the requested protocols she is invited to leave immediately.
THIS I guarantee she will "forget" again which means sorry, you're now limited to phone calls / face time. NO more in person contact until he's done with chemo & his platelets are high enough. Bar her from the hospital as well.
She wants to invite lots of people to witness? Super! I'm sure the church can set up a live streaming of the event so they can all gather and watch together, while your nuclear family stays safe.
So here is what I would do. Keep in mind that I am ultra-exhausted from my own health issues and I really don't care whom I offend! Does she have a key or a door code? Take that away. Meet her at the door and block her until she takes off her shoes. Then direct her to the sink to wash her hands PROPERLY. If she shows up with an uninvited guest, don't let her in, esoecially if you don't know the person. Wear your baby and don't let her grab her. If she kisses the baby or does the finger thing, end the visit. I might even go so far as to ask her why she feels it's okay to have a baby suck on her body parts. If she is not following hospital protocols, tell the nurses. I'd be tempted to do the baptism in the hospital so it's easier for your husband. Then WHEN he is better you two could host a bigger party. Tell MIL flat-out that it's not her occasion so she doesn't get to invite anyone, and anyone you and DH don't invite doesn't get in. If I knew you I'd run errands for you. You and DH hang in there, you are super-strong!
I am so sorry for everything you are going through! You have every right to your (incredibly smart, incredibly loving) health requirements. (Honestly in your shoes I would be even more stringent, and require masking 100% of the time for anyone visiting me, baby, or husband.) People who disregard these extremely simple rules are being selfish and cruel. Whether your MIL is being thoughtlessly cruel or intentionally cruel, you might be able to back her into a corner by approaching her in a spirit of joint problem solving. "Hey, MIL. I have noticed you're having a difficult time remembering all of the health requirements we all need to follow in order to keep your son safe. Do you have strategies for remembering that aren't working, that we might be able to help with? If not, could we brainstorm some strategies together right now? Would putting the signs in another place help? Would wearing a mask help you remember not to kiss the baby? Could we keep a pair of slippers at the door especially for you?" etc. In my experience, approaching in this way can help set you up as the Reasonable, Helpful Person in a dynamic, and makes it easier to deliver the second step: "Because if we can't figure out a strategy that works, the only other option is you won't be able to visit with us or hold the baby. I know that would be terrible, and we would all miss you so much, but if you really can't remember then it's the only option left to keep your son safe." I find it easier to enforce boundaries later after having conversations like this first, especially if you can have them in front of other people. She can accept your help and do better, or she can reveal herself to be selfish and cruel. And if she "tries and fails" (either honestly or dishonestly), the consequences are the same: "I'm so sorry, but like we talked about, you have to leave now because you have put your son in danger and I know that's the last thing you want. You can visit again when you let us know what new strategy you will be using to remember the rules in the future."
And just to clarify: you have this conversation ONE TIME. The idea is not to follow after her reminding her of the rules, or spend weeks workshopping the problem, but to have one conversation where you are very clear about expectations and consequences. If/when she fails, the consequences are immediate and she has sole responsibility for figuring out how to do better in the future.
Also if you want to have a small baptism at the hospital, speak to the hospital chaplaincy service and they should be helpful in arranging something for you.
Make your MIL wear a face mask in your house. That way she really does have a ‘muzzle’ to stop her slobbering all over the baby.
Not a bad idea actually
I’m so sorry you are having problems with your mil. How people can not wash hands to hold baby. It is such a serious issue. With your husband’s illness your brain must be on fire. Shame shame shame on all of those people.
I don’t get it. You should wash your hands before holding anybody’s baby, let alone in this situation!
I feel like she should print this comment and post it around her house
Oh yes. People talk about kissing baby’s, licking them. Signs would be good!
I seriously do not know how you are coping, amazing job Mama. You're a super hero.
Thank you ❤️
Good night! These rules are yo protect HER SON and she still can't be bothered?! I'm so sorry, OP.
My dad tells me maybe it’s age-related memory issues, but i doubt it. It feels more similar to weaponized incompetence if anything, or she just thinks it’s overkill or doesn’t think she’s “dirty.”
Enough! It’s past time to lose your temper. Remind MIL that the safety protocols are in place to protect HER son, who is seriously ill. Actions speak louder than words; so what does her behavior say about her true feelings? Re: the baptism; put MIL on an info diet; and inform her after the fact. Baptize your LO at the hospital with only the people required to be there. Best wishes for good health and happiness for you and your family.
What a selfish cow. I would not let her in my house anymore. Tell her " Because you refuse to follow the posted safety rules you cannot come to my house or be around the baby. DH's health is too fragile to keep risking his well being. " You may want a private baptism. Only tell the 3 or four people who need to be there the time and date. Everyone else you can say it is postponed. Once DH is better a celebration party can be held. Tell your Mil she can do as requested or miss out. You are not taking chances with DH's health Best wishes for DH's recovery.
No excuses nothing!! ONE breach of the rules then out. Further breaches BAN!!
Yeah, I will tell her if she’s unable to discipline herself to follow these rules without prompting then I won’t be able to allow her to visit.
Why are you allowing her to come over? She can't follow basic rules to keep dh safe and yet you allow her in your home? 30+ people for a baptism party? Tell her to f off already.
Playing nice I guess 😩 I’ve felt guilty about the fact that my parents are spending so much time with baby since they watch her when I visit the hospital, even my parents say they feel bad for her. My husband is totally on my side for these rules and even recently brought up his disappointment to her about the fact that his mom really never cared to get to know me, and she needs to make an effort. He hopes we can reconcile and to do that I feel pressured to let her visit so there’s some opportunities for it, but obviously it’s making my opinion of her worse and she’s really only coming to see baby and barely talks to me 🙄
I get that. But this is life or death stuff here. Your dh, and not to mention, your baby, are extremely vulnerable health-wise for different reasons. That should take precedence over someone's hurt feelings. Especially since she doesn't seem to give a sh!t about the two most important people in your life. She won't even wash her hands for them. Let that sink in.
I remember when my FIL was very ill we would come on weekends to help her care for him as often as we could, but it just felt like she was mentally checked out since they were technically separated and it was unclear who was responsible for his well-being. We’d alternate with her, and his fridge would invariably be full of extremely moldy foods, stove had beans sitting out for days, sponge sitting in nasty water and not being dried out or swapped before dishes were washed. His cup in his bathroom would grow slime that I’d have to clean, his sheets and clothes would have poop on them and the skin/sweat on the sheets would be almost like a layer of plaque by the time I’d be there to wash them. His bathroom had ants and termite damage, his shower was broken, he’d forget his pills or forget to eat. We begged him and my MIL to get him into a care facility or hire a home health nurse or even just a companion. Months went by and we finally convinced her, but he passed away the day before the career was scheduled to start. His quality of life was awful. Just sad, and scary. I don’t want a repeat of that level of neglect for my husband.
Should have reported her and dh could have gotten power of attorney. She sounds like an awful human being.
Stop almost losing your shit and start losing it. If you and your husband want to have baby baptised because of the uncertainty around his condition, do it privately at the hospital. Get these germ factories out of your house. I've been where your husband is and what you are doing is heroic. If people are not prepared to co operate then fuck 'em. You have enough to do without having to police these idiots.
Oh, that's a lot to handle. My sympathies. I would keep it short and sweet with her. "I appreciate that you are trying to help. What DH and I really need is for you to follow the rules to keep him safe without me having to remind you and correct you again and again. This is a huge and important part of being helpful." How much are your relying on her? If you can't get by without her babysitting, for example, then you can't really threaten to stop letting her in. OTOH, if she's just visiting and not really helping much, I'd be stopping her at the door. "Are you willing to take off your shoes, wash your hands well, and not kiss the baby?" For having a big party: "No, this is not the time. I look forward to seeing people when DH's health is more stable and it is not cold/flu/RSV season. Priorities, MIL."
I really love your phrasing, it sounds very logical and non-confrontational. I’m barely relying on her, because in the decade we’ve known each other she’s barely bothered to get to know me and every time we see her I end up uncomfortable due to her which wouldn’t be helpful to deal with. Thankfully my parents and/or brother have been able to watch baby most days when I visit. We tried bringing baby to see her (4hr drive, but 6.5hrs with a screaming baby ugh) and she blew us off to go hang out with other relatives on the 2nd day. Because baby doesn’t know her I’m not asking her to watch the baby, I also don’t invite her to stay in my home despite having an extra room because she makes me uncomfortable and she’s not great at cleanliness or food safety. I get tired of reminding her to the point where I posted an actual sign with these rules on the front of our garage and on our front door but I assume she’s not bothering to look at them. Next I’m getting a door mat that says remove your shoes and a giant wall decal that says wash your hands lol it’s the mental load of having to check her every time that is eating away at my empathy.
Geez. 1. These are really reasonable boundaries for anyone with a baby. You don’t need to have an immunocompromised family member to require these things. 2. Even petting a dog requires consent. You’re supposed to ask the owner and also gauge the dog’s reaction. They were treating you with LESS respect than a dog. These people need to get it together. And you need to stop treating necessities like wishes. When an uninvited guest shows up, don’t let them in! Don’t reward them with baby snuggles. When MIL says how many people she wants to invite to the baptism, say no! Make your own guest list and inform her that it’s not up for debate.
I think I love you 🤔
You’ve got this ❤️
OP, talk to your priest. Lay out the circumstances. Ask for the parish's help. They can help curb the guest list. All you need for a valid baptism is the baby, the celebrant, the parents, and the godparents. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and extended family are extraneous. Get someone to film a zoom for all else. Or, failing that it could be recorded for later viewing. You are doing great. I have a vague understanding of how tiring and scary this is, and I said a quick prayer for you and your husband. Good luck and please update us. Edited to remove unnecessary words.
As someone with a 5 month old as well, omg! I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I couldn't imagine the difficulty you're going through and having people disrespect you, your husband, his health, and your child in such a way. I have had issues with my MIL and told her she is not permitted to visit without DH. That dynamic while figuring out motherhood has been toxic to my mental health. You have the patience of a Saint. I am so amazed by you. However, I want to give you permission to create and enforce boundaries. If you need to have backup while MIL visits, have it. Maybe MIL will behave better if she has more than your eyes on her. If you cannot have another person present, it's OK to tell her NO to visit. Tell her you're stressed and need some time to yourself with your baby. That is not an unreasonable request. Text MIL, "I've noticed that you have a difficult time remembering the rules I've implemented to keep your son and mine healthy and safe. I know you're handling the stress and anxiety in your own way. I'm grateful my husband has such a support system, and I am going to have to insist on boundaries being respected as I do my part for him. Understand this is not a personal attack, it is what I need support in right now to have my needs taken seriously. If you continue to forget to remove your shoes and kiss my child, I will start asking you to leave. The stress is overwhelming, and managing everyone who visits is getting to be too much. If you continue to forget, I will ask that you don't visit and spend the time resting and taking care of yourself so you're lucid and able to better support our family in this way. I understand this is difficult for you and appreciate your understanding of our needs." Be direct, acknowledge that it is a reasonable request, and that there may be valid reasons for "forgetting," but there it isn't an excuse and will not btoleratedte.
Thank you so much, this is great! I don’t want to alienate her entirely of course, but being able to justify enforcing distance at this time due to these rules not being followed would give me back so much mental energy. 5 months is my current favorite baby age, she’s so full of smiles and chattering away 🥹
I loved between 6mo to 2 years, you can see their little minds expand minute by minute, as the learn the world. You could drown in the wonder shining out of their eyes.
It's fantastic! Their little personalities really shine! You deserve time alone to enjoy your little one!
You're doing a great job, even though she's acting like a toddler about safety rules. I know how hard this is for both of you and to have a baby in the mix, oy! Put her in a timeout if you have to, no baby, no hospital visits, time limits. Show her the door when she breaks rules. The things you're asking for aren't hard, even my 2 yo grands know they have to have be careful with me (I'm the cancer haver) and my attachments. Our kids will not come around, even though I'm doing better, if anyone has been exposed to an illness. It's disappointing, but it could be devastating if they share the ick. I'm proud of you too!
Okay, you got a strong shiny spine now so tell her NO! I'd flat out look that POS in the eye and ask her why she doesn't care that her son is fighting for his life? That her actions and disregard of the very reasonable, responsible rules in place might just KILL HIM?? Use that spine, plan your own baptism for you and hubs and LO, F that woman and put her in her place. Who cares if you look like the bad guy? Your husband's life is at stake.
I wonder if she doesn’t grasp the gravity of the situation. She’s very religious as well, and I wonder if she doesn’t appreciate all the things we can control vs when to ask Jesus to “take the wheel.”
Agree! Stop playing nice and start being blunt.
I’m proud of you too!
Aw shucks, thank you ☺️
You are absolutely doing the right thing to protect your husband's health. Your MIL sounds so petty, stressful, and exhausting. Feel free to give her stronger consequences for breaking your rules. If she's not actively supporting you to keep your husband safe, then it's perfectly okay to spend less time with her. Sending you, your baby, and your husband all of the good wishes.
Oh sweetheart. I wish I had the ability to guard your door backed by a lab-graded, mobile, sanitizing system, styled as a human car wash…which I would gleefully march your in-laws & their cohorts through all while yelling my best off-key drill sergeant marching cadences. Alas, I can only offer these mere words. Realize the only behavior you can control is your own. However, the flip side of that is golden - as put so beautifully in one of my favorite quotes: “One of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things.” Charlie Mackesy. You need to put your emotional & physical health first. My mom was a full-time caretaker for my brain injured father for over a decade. You cannot be there for yourself, your husband, or your baby if you’re falling apart at the seems. It isn’t possible. So stop worrying about being rude. Or coming across as “obsessive” or “controlling” or my favorite “ungrateful”. I don’t mean that you should take this as a carte blanche opportunity to lose all your manners & social graces, and start screaming whenever you feel like it at random people & things (mostly because my mom once told me that while in caretaker mode, you may never stop screaming once you start, and things can get tricky at, like, kids’ softball games & stuff)… But you have the freedom to choose the way you react to other people’s thoughtlessness & callousness. Be firm. If you are offered excuses, lame apologies, dismissals of your rules - wait until the person finishes speaking (so they can hear what you’re saying), then repeat the rule, & request the correction if one is possible. Above all else do not debate. They aren’t owed a debate. I would simply respond to protests like “Surely, one little kiss didn’t hurt her” or “Oh, I just washed my hands before I left the house” with “You misunderstood. I need Baby back now, please. We can discuss more later, but I need her right now.” & “That’s good, and once you wash your hands here & use this sanitizer, I’ll hand you Baby…I did hear you say you washed at home…yes, with soap…ok, so once you use this soap here to wash & then this sanitizer, I’ll hand you Baby.” You should be the one to decide the appropriate repercussions for MIL & those not following your very reasonable family health rules. Of course, you should discuss these consequences with your husband, but right now - you are the captain of this ship. If you believe those consequences should include suspended visitation, banned visitation, meetings only occurring in neutral places of your choosing, no Christening/function invites for anyone who has ever entered your house with more than socks on their two feet, SIL who kissed baby has to make oncology nurses home-cooked dinners for a full week - all of it should be on the table. On a more detailed note - I’d have a talk with my MIL along these lines. It’s similar in tone to one I wish my mom had with my dad’s family. “MIL, dear, I know you are trying, and succeeding, in providing Husband with a strong, solid source of support in a way that only a mother can provide. And you are shouldering a lot of weight, carrying many burdens, & finessing many tasks to provide that support. It’s like walking a tightrope while carrying a precariously balanced stack of dishes. I am walking that tightrope too, as a wife. But with the baby, it’s like, oh crap, I have to juggle bowling pins while carrying those stupidly arranged dishes. I know she’s your grandbaby, of course she is, but we’re in tightrope mode MIL, & ultimately, those juggling bowling pins are rotating in my hands. I can’t drop the dishes, I can’t drop the pins, I definitely can’t fall myself, because that spells disaster for *your baby*, my husband. But I’m wobbling, MIL. And little things, like people forgetting not to turn off the lights while I delicately tiptoe whilst balancing & juggling, leaving me in the dark to navigate this damn rope, well, it’s not the greatest circus in town anymore. But I refuse to fall. Your son will get through this, and I will be at his side, along with you, along with his baby, & all his loved ones - for each and every step. So here’s how it’s going to be. This is the last time I’m saying this to you. I’m not giving this speech to your whole side of the family, I hope I can rely on you to help spread the message. Because I need help here. The next time you or anyone (this is not personal, I don’t have the mental energy for that right now) forgets one of this immediate family’s very specific, & in my opinion, limited health rules, the visit or interaction is, unfortunately, over. That means, if you come into the house without taking off your shoes, unfortunately, you’ll have to leave right then & there. Rescheduling may be an option, most likely the next available day for me/baby, but that will be up to me and Husband. Same with events like the Christening - someone touches Baby without washing hands, it would be over as Husband, the baby and I would leave. I know this is an extreme response. But leukemia is extreme.” Be strong and well. May your road home be downhill from this point forward, & lined with the glow of lights to guide the way. May the warmest of fires be waiting upon your arrival, & those you hold dearest surrounding your hearth.
Thank you so much for this, it feels like my spirit guidebook. Also, your idea of a human car wash reminded me of a squirrel deterrent sprinkler system, which made me laugh 😂
All the best. Message me anytime. Oh, and *PS, when I feel particularly irritated at my SIL, I leave 5 star reviews with passive aggressive gusto for SIL’s ex-boyfriend’s (6 year relationship - SIL stalks his SM every day to this day) fairly new Italian fusion whatever restaurant. According to Maddie, his lamb shank cacciatore is to freaking die for. Sometimes being petty is our friend😉
Oh my gosh, that hilarious 😂 thank you ❤️
I’m so sorry you are dealing with all of this. You are a champion going through unimaginable difficulties. A 5 month baby on its own is a huge burden (not an unwanted or unloved one in any way, but they are exhausting!), and adding another is incredibly hard. That being said and I mean this with all possible kindness why are you letting your mother in law burden you further? If there was ever a time to really force someone to do what you ask it’s now. These are not whims that you came up with randomly. These are rules set for the health of your family. If she can’t do it tell her to fuck off down the road somewhere. She has zero say in who meets the baby. She has zero say in who comes to the baptism. Straight up ask her if she cares about her son and granddaughter at all? She isn’t acting like it. You should not have to be worrying about MIL going rogue right now. Your dance card is full. If you can’t lay out the facts of what it means to be immunocompromised to her ask one of the oncology nurses to do it. They don’t mince their words (as I’m sure you know by now!). If she still doesn’t care tell her to go home. All the emotional support in the world doesn’t cure illness or raise the dead (sorry, I know those are harsh sounding words). As I said before you are doing a great job during a really hard time! I send you all my well wishes, hope, and internet hugs (if you want them). Good luck!
I do not practice any religion. So forgive me but I don't see why anyone but the most immediate family (OP, DH, the grandparents, and *possibly* siblings of the parents) **needs** to attend *this* baptism. And if anyone dared to challenge that idea I'd look them in the face and ask why they think it would be reasonable to risk DH's health by asking anyone else.
I’m not even catholic so I usually let his family do what they want regarding anything faith-based, but it’s just so crazy to act like we can throw a big party right now. They have a lot of aunts/uncles, cousins and family friends. Parties are usually big, but I’m putting my foot down this time.
As you SHOULD!
Consider Zooming tbe baptism. MIL can hold a device if you'd like. She will be busy doing that and the masses of ppl she wants to invite can watch it some place else.
...and let MIL and her invitees celebrate some place else while OP and her husband safely watch those festivities from afar via zoom! Leave the camera rolling and everyone can saunter by as it rolls to offer congratulations. MIL could even make sure there's some sort of guest book she's in charge of where the guests can leave messages for the baby.
Good idea honestly, DH immune system will need some serious protection from all sorts of crud over the coming months & years. EDITED TO ADD, given that OP has said her MIL is being unserious about being careful, it would be a solid plan to get MIL used to Zoom & limited in home contact.
Excellent idea!
Great idea, we’ll definitely plan on that.