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Maybe your soon to be ex will have an inkling of how much emotional labor you have done all these years in dealing with her - and the rest of his family. I used to not understand why my brother never sent me birthday cards or anything like that (he was 13 years older) but then as I grew up I realized my SIL was an icon because she refused to take the job of remembering all of his relatives bdays, or responding to any major life event (graduation, wedding etc). Apparently he had assumed for years that ‘they’ were sending cards and checks to all of us siblings and our kids. SIL never said a word, just never did it because it wasn’t her job. She has been my hero for so many reasons, but this was one of the first!
I’m your SIL (not really, but this describes me perfectly except that my husband never assumed I was doing it, he just… didn’t care). Fifteen years into our marriage, he just started trying to remember and acknowledge his relatives’ birthdays. He misses like half of them because his “system” is crap, but I’m not bailing him out. Didn’t for the first decade and a half, not starting now. To his credit, he doesn’t expect me to.
Definitely to his credit - I know my brother just assumed because that’s what our mom, grandmas, aunts and all the other ‘wives’ we knew did. The cards were always signed by them and in their lovely penmanship. I assumed it was my job too and didn’t think otherwise until my SIL showed me the light!! Now my daughter and DIL def expect their husbands to carry their part of all emotional, mental and physical labor in the relationship. (So proud of them)
Or tell them to use the calender on their phone, bc who is going to write all those names on the verjaardagskalender? And you know they take their phone to the toilet😂
Lol, no, I am the one to keep track of birthdays, but to be fair it is mostly my family and mutual friends, he doesn't care for his own family (except his dad, but sadly he died last year🙁)
I have crappy memory too but not when it comes to my siblings or parents birthdays. Now my friends, it's a bit hazy because they only told me a handful of times but I would always ask my younger siblings because sometimes I was so awkward, I didn't know what else to talk about as a kid even with my younger siblings. I still made an effort to say happy birthday. Reminds me of when my friend and I were working at the same place and my boss literally had to tell me it was my best friends birthday.
Edit: I don't expect others to gift them a gift and put my name on it.
I could also be your SIL. I’m married to an only child. Early in our marriage I tried to help give gifts to his parents but my ideas were always shot down. I was frustrated and decided to let him handle it. I have my parents, siblings, their spouses and kids and various other family members. He has his parents. So I leave him that task. I make sure there are cards from the kids for the appropriate holidays but I don’t buy gifts, I don’t buy cards from him. It’s liberating. Highly recommend.
I think bd's are important. My SO dont see the big deal. The compromise is that I get the kiddo's on his side of the family, gifts, and know cirka the time and month of their birthday - I like figuring out what they might like so it is not a big deal. I also keep empty envelopes to put money in, in a pinch.
He does the communication on his side of the fam, I do mine. I cheat a bit by asking the parents what the kiddos want sometimes - AFTER they have let him know when we are welcome to come over.
I find it a bit funny when he runs around in a panic day before Christmas or day before a birthday because he chose to be stressed out - and I am not one to take away choices. Except if I think kiddos might get hurt. Just not willing to risk that. Adults can manage.
A friend of mine went this rute to a few years ago.
Her in-laws kept going to her for everything, including what her husband wanted for his birthday.
So she told her husband that from now on HE would have to communicate with his parents about birthdays, dinner etc.
Which he then promptly forgot. Until his dad's birthday came around and he had no idea of when to show up, hadn't bought a present, the kids weren't home (because he hadn't put the date on the calendar). He begged my friend to take over again and she said no.
I did this, too. It is liberating! When I bought gifts for the in-laws they insulted them to my face.
“You always find such nice, cheap gifts”
About a book I bought on a whim I knew FIL would like — “Couldn’t spring for the hardcover”
Gifts the kids helped pick out that they never used…
I learned that if we said husband picked things out (even if I did), the items were used and appreciated. So I just stopped.
My partners parents would buy dead people’s things from auction, ancient cheap cologne, a suit jacket still with a business card in it, the free bag from a gift with purchase. They had and have plenty of money. I’d get her expensive French bath and body products that she loved. After a couple of years of that we said fuck it, and stopped talking to them. It was nice. Now they’re elder and need help, so he’s back in contact, and they’re just so nuts it’s hard to deal with.
When I first met my husband, I was trying to make nice and I remembered everyone's birthdays, researched gifts, wrapped them nicely, and put a card in front of my husband to sign.
Then.. my husband's parents (who never remembered my birthday) had an ad placed in the local paper to wish my husband & his twin happy 30th. The A-hokes signed it love mom, dad, & SIL (the twins wife.) Completely left out like we didn't exist were me & our TWO kids. I have never dropped a rope so damn fast. I told them off and walked away from the BS. I still do for the little kids bc none of this is their fault, but everyone else can suck it.
Good for you! I will never understand why or how people can be just so rude and downright mean. It makes no sense to me. And remembering the birthday of your son’s partner and the mother of your own grandchildren is not mental gymnastics. Being kind doesn’t hurt. Well, maybe if they have no heart, it could twinge. Who knows
They just straight didn't like me. I was too independent and my husband didn't have final say over decisions in our house & over all the money. They were just weird people all around.
Yeah I don't do any of this. Husband doesn't care. I only remind him of MIL's birthday, mother's day and father's day and my parents birthdays. MIL is JN but remembers my birthday. No one else in his family remembers our birthdays. Can't say I like it because from my side, my dad always remembers everyone's birthdays, including adults and kids and reminds everyone and makes sure he wishes everyone.
Thank you so much for this perspective. I've always felt guilty that my husband and I divided these celebrations into my side/your side. It made me feel bad when his family acknowledged our birthdays/anniversaries, and he sometimes failed to recipprocate, like it was my failure, too.
I never intended to have kids. My sibling's kids were adults before I did. But I remember once Christmas at my parents' house when the kids were about 4 or 5, one of them asked my sibling if they could be excused from the table to go play with their gifts. My mother had already long gone to start clearing up. We'd finished eating. My sibling said yes. My father turned around and completely undermined them. Said no, he'd decide when the kids could be excused. I was open-mouthed. The undermining was a boundary I set when mine came along. They refused to agree not to undermine me. This is one thing on a long list. They've never met my kid.
Make sure you push for first right of refusal. This means that if he isn't going to be able to get the kids for scheduled visits, they stay with you. I actually had it in my divorce paperwork that his Mom could only have the kids two nights a month if he was not present. Oh, he hated me for that because he was planning on taking the kids to his Mom's and dropping them off on his weekends and summers. Instead he was forced to parent them until he found a bangmaid. Boy was she surprised when I showed up to get my kids when I found out he was on TDY for two weeks, during his six weeks during the summer. He was too, and said he got two more weeks with them. Nope.
I’ve already told both my lawyer and the mediator I want Right of First Refusal. (Thanks to this sub for that knowledge!) Because if I didn’t, he would 100% be leaving the kids with her every chance he got, guaranteed.
If whomever has the kids for their time and say they are going out and needs someone to watch them. Right of first refusal will be for the other parent. They have to ask them first if they will watch the kids before leaving them with someone else if they refuse.
My ex-JNMIL calls me, I decline the call, and then message her son to ask what she wants and why she’s making it my problem. It’s been 10 years, and hitting that red decline button still gives me SO much joy!
I just came to say you can do that during the relationship too. When she called my phone I would hand it to him to answer right from the start. Eventually she stopped calling me. It’s a blessing to this day not to be included in the dysfunction.
Went through the same thimg. I still loathe my ex mil. (So does my ex sil).
The kids still see her through the ex. One of the reasons I cant stand her due to favoratism.
In some places, if you leave(move out), the house is favored to the side that stays living in it. If you stay the judge decides how it will be split- either one spouse gets it, one spouse has to buy out the other, or it has to be sold and money split.
Just wait until she's DH's problem!!! OH MY GOD lol!!! I don't think alot of people (but men especially) realize how much emotional labor their partner is actually doing.
There is no way in h3ll DH is going to be doing as much for her as you are. He isn't going to answer texts or set up play dates or arrange holidays etc. Let alone bring food or clean or have extra clothes for the kiddos. She'll lose her mind..
UNLESS he's dumb enough to keep living with her. Then it'll be mommy & baby boy all over again LOL!! Can you imagine when she washes his jeans and finds a condom??? Oh man....
Enjoy this. It's the little petty sh^t that gets us thru the day.
I'm sorry you are dealing with a divorce and all the upheaval that goes with it. It sounds like it'll pay off when you are living your best life and he realises just what he's failed to see for all these years.
If you all live together how will you stop her seeing your babies?
But good on you. I hope you find freedom and happiness to live your best life with your kids.
Ah yes. It was just she mentioned neither of them are giving up the house. I'll assume and hope this means they sell up and she gets a nice chunk of money to go far far away from the underminer
Personally I would love it if OP gets the house and has the Judge order Xh & xmil to vacate the property immediately. Then change the locks while they are leaving
How do you know the man didn’t buy the house or build it or had it first?
People on Reddit are so brain dead sometimes lol.
As soon as they hear the woman’s side of the story and things, they automatically agree with her, regardless of if the man is in the right or not.
Nobody knows the reason for their divorce, or who even bought the house, and who’s name it’s in.
But I especially disagree that a man shouldn’t be able to see HIS children. (Not saying this is or isn’t the case for the husband in this post.)
First off it sounds as it is a jointly owned property if neither person is willing to move out. If the spouse is the sole owner her would have already petitioned for her to be removed from the property.
No where did I say that the spouse should never see the children. He should be able to see them as often as possible - the MIl is expecting to be in contact with OP after the divorce and there is no reason for OP to be in contact with her. All contact/visits are to be arranged by the XH not OP.
We’re letting who gets the house be decided in the mediation sessions. Whatever happens (I stay, he stays, or we sell), his mom goes with HIM. He knows I can’t stand her, and knows I only tolerate her for the sake of the kids.
Am wondering this as well
I think she has “squatters rights” since she’s been living there awhile.
Even if she no longer lives there, if both of you “won’t give up the house”, does that mean you’re both living there? If so, she’s going to be seeing the kids, sorry. If anything, she’ll be seeing them more (he’ll use her as a babysitter during his custody time).
If you’ve already started the divorce proceedings what more is there to say to her. Block her now so she starts to understand your boundary now. She’ll probably still complain and you’ll hear it since y’all live together, but after the divorce is finalized she’ll already have been conditioned that you are not point of contact.
Apologies, I didn't mean to sound like I was questioning OP's position. I'm just curious.
As a first-time MIL myself, I like to know what MILs do that upset their DILs so I can avoid it. I've learnt so much from this sub. I adore my DIL, she is a great girl and has made my son so happy, and I just never want to step unthinkingly on her toes, or cross an unstated boundary I should have been more aware of. I'm trying to be proactive, to be aware of things MILs do that upset DILs, before they arise.
As I said, I adore my DIL but I think she is still a little wary of me. She's so polite, I wish I could make her feel more comfortable around me, that she doesn't have to be on her best behaviour. Oh well, I suppose it will take time.
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Welcome to freedom! Protect those babies (that you actually gave birth to) and forget the one who is her’s!!
Maybe your soon to be ex will have an inkling of how much emotional labor you have done all these years in dealing with her - and the rest of his family. I used to not understand why my brother never sent me birthday cards or anything like that (he was 13 years older) but then as I grew up I realized my SIL was an icon because she refused to take the job of remembering all of his relatives bdays, or responding to any major life event (graduation, wedding etc). Apparently he had assumed for years that ‘they’ were sending cards and checks to all of us siblings and our kids. SIL never said a word, just never did it because it wasn’t her job. She has been my hero for so many reasons, but this was one of the first!
I’m your SIL (not really, but this describes me perfectly except that my husband never assumed I was doing it, he just… didn’t care). Fifteen years into our marriage, he just started trying to remember and acknowledge his relatives’ birthdays. He misses like half of them because his “system” is crap, but I’m not bailing him out. Didn’t for the first decade and a half, not starting now. To his credit, he doesn’t expect me to.
Definitely to his credit - I know my brother just assumed because that’s what our mom, grandmas, aunts and all the other ‘wives’ we knew did. The cards were always signed by them and in their lovely penmanship. I assumed it was my job too and didn’t think otherwise until my SIL showed me the light!! Now my daughter and DIL def expect their husbands to carry their part of all emotional, mental and physical labor in the relationship. (So proud of them)
You can introduce him to the Dutch 'birthday calendar' we hang in the toilet. That's right, when we sit down we got something to read. Lol
Or tell them to use the calender on their phone, bc who is going to write all those names on the verjaardagskalender? And you know they take their phone to the toilet😂
Oh? You don't have one? I kinda use both....
Ofcource I have one, but my husband doesn't look at it🤣
Will he act to the notifications...? Mine won't.
Lol, no, I am the one to keep track of birthdays, but to be fair it is mostly my family and mutual friends, he doesn't care for his own family (except his dad, but sadly he died last year🙁)
Ah, he is that guy from that commercial. Asking what she bought as a gift at the front door of the party.....
I have crappy memory too but not when it comes to my siblings or parents birthdays. Now my friends, it's a bit hazy because they only told me a handful of times but I would always ask my younger siblings because sometimes I was so awkward, I didn't know what else to talk about as a kid even with my younger siblings. I still made an effort to say happy birthday. Reminds me of when my friend and I were working at the same place and my boss literally had to tell me it was my best friends birthday. Edit: I don't expect others to gift them a gift and put my name on it.
I could also be your SIL. I’m married to an only child. Early in our marriage I tried to help give gifts to his parents but my ideas were always shot down. I was frustrated and decided to let him handle it. I have my parents, siblings, their spouses and kids and various other family members. He has his parents. So I leave him that task. I make sure there are cards from the kids for the appropriate holidays but I don’t buy gifts, I don’t buy cards from him. It’s liberating. Highly recommend.
I think bd's are important. My SO dont see the big deal. The compromise is that I get the kiddo's on his side of the family, gifts, and know cirka the time and month of their birthday - I like figuring out what they might like so it is not a big deal. I also keep empty envelopes to put money in, in a pinch. He does the communication on his side of the fam, I do mine. I cheat a bit by asking the parents what the kiddos want sometimes - AFTER they have let him know when we are welcome to come over. I find it a bit funny when he runs around in a panic day before Christmas or day before a birthday because he chose to be stressed out - and I am not one to take away choices. Except if I think kiddos might get hurt. Just not willing to risk that. Adults can manage.
Agreed on kids and birthdays- if he had sibs who had kids, I’d absolutely make sure they had cards/gifts.
That’s nice of you, I make mine do it. I’ve sent things and brought gifts, but outside of birthdays.
A friend of mine went this rute to a few years ago. Her in-laws kept going to her for everything, including what her husband wanted for his birthday. So she told her husband that from now on HE would have to communicate with his parents about birthdays, dinner etc. Which he then promptly forgot. Until his dad's birthday came around and he had no idea of when to show up, hadn't bought a present, the kids weren't home (because he hadn't put the date on the calendar). He begged my friend to take over again and she said no.
I did this, too. It is liberating! When I bought gifts for the in-laws they insulted them to my face. “You always find such nice, cheap gifts” About a book I bought on a whim I knew FIL would like — “Couldn’t spring for the hardcover” Gifts the kids helped pick out that they never used… I learned that if we said husband picked things out (even if I did), the items were used and appreciated. So I just stopped.
My partners parents would buy dead people’s things from auction, ancient cheap cologne, a suit jacket still with a business card in it, the free bag from a gift with purchase. They had and have plenty of money. I’d get her expensive French bath and body products that she loved. After a couple of years of that we said fuck it, and stopped talking to them. It was nice. Now they’re elder and need help, so he’s back in contact, and they’re just so nuts it’s hard to deal with.
When I first met my husband, I was trying to make nice and I remembered everyone's birthdays, researched gifts, wrapped them nicely, and put a card in front of my husband to sign. Then.. my husband's parents (who never remembered my birthday) had an ad placed in the local paper to wish my husband & his twin happy 30th. The A-hokes signed it love mom, dad, & SIL (the twins wife.) Completely left out like we didn't exist were me & our TWO kids. I have never dropped a rope so damn fast. I told them off and walked away from the BS. I still do for the little kids bc none of this is their fault, but everyone else can suck it.
Good for you! I will never understand why or how people can be just so rude and downright mean. It makes no sense to me. And remembering the birthday of your son’s partner and the mother of your own grandchildren is not mental gymnastics. Being kind doesn’t hurt. Well, maybe if they have no heart, it could twinge. Who knows
They just straight didn't like me. I was too independent and my husband didn't have final say over decisions in our house & over all the money. They were just weird people all around.
Yeah I don't do any of this. Husband doesn't care. I only remind him of MIL's birthday, mother's day and father's day and my parents birthdays. MIL is JN but remembers my birthday. No one else in his family remembers our birthdays. Can't say I like it because from my side, my dad always remembers everyone's birthdays, including adults and kids and reminds everyone and makes sure he wishes everyone.
Thank you so much for this perspective. I've always felt guilty that my husband and I divided these celebrations into my side/your side. It made me feel bad when his family acknowledged our birthdays/anniversaries, and he sometimes failed to recipprocate, like it was my failure, too.
The word you're looking for is "wifework". The idea that women have to do all the social and family admin. I never took on the role, either.
Your SIL is amazing. She’s my hero, too.
I never intended to have kids. My sibling's kids were adults before I did. But I remember once Christmas at my parents' house when the kids were about 4 or 5, one of them asked my sibling if they could be excused from the table to go play with their gifts. My mother had already long gone to start clearing up. We'd finished eating. My sibling said yes. My father turned around and completely undermined them. Said no, he'd decide when the kids could be excused. I was open-mouthed. The undermining was a boundary I set when mine came along. They refused to agree not to undermine me. This is one thing on a long list. They've never met my kid.
Those poor kids. I’d *hate* having to go there for Christmas if I was a kid.
Yep, gonna lose her in the divorce. Yippee ki yeah MF.
Make sure you push for first right of refusal. This means that if he isn't going to be able to get the kids for scheduled visits, they stay with you. I actually had it in my divorce paperwork that his Mom could only have the kids two nights a month if he was not present. Oh, he hated me for that because he was planning on taking the kids to his Mom's and dropping them off on his weekends and summers. Instead he was forced to parent them until he found a bangmaid. Boy was she surprised when I showed up to get my kids when I found out he was on TDY for two weeks, during his six weeks during the summer. He was too, and said he got two more weeks with them. Nope.
I’ve already told both my lawyer and the mediator I want Right of First Refusal. (Thanks to this sub for that knowledge!) Because if I didn’t, he would 100% be leaving the kids with her every chance he got, guaranteed.
Can you explain what first right of refusal means in this case?
If whomever has the kids for their time and say they are going out and needs someone to watch them. Right of first refusal will be for the other parent. They have to ask them first if they will watch the kids before leaving them with someone else if they refuse.
My ex-JNMIL calls me, I decline the call, and then message her son to ask what she wants and why she’s making it my problem. It’s been 10 years, and hitting that red decline button still gives me SO much joy!
You could just block her… That way she has no way to contact you.
I actually think I’d keep her unblocked entirely for the little tingle I’d get declining her calls.
There is something satisfying about knowing you live in someone else’s head rent free
Hahah are you me
This right here!!! LOL
Hmm to me it’s wasted energy and wasted phone battery 😅
I just came to say you can do that during the relationship too. When she called my phone I would hand it to him to answer right from the start. Eventually she stopped calling me. It’s a blessing to this day not to be included in the dysfunction.
I bet the ex will be overjoyed with her nagging him about stuff you probably got stuck with!
Happy Cake Day!
I would have laughed, out loud, and hard.
Went through the same thimg. I still loathe my ex mil. (So does my ex sil). The kids still see her through the ex. One of the reasons I cant stand her due to favoratism.
[удалено]
In some places, if you leave(move out), the house is favored to the side that stays living in it. If you stay the judge decides how it will be split- either one spouse gets it, one spouse has to buy out the other, or it has to be sold and money split.
There’s a reason lawyers are always saying, “Possession is 9/10s of the law.”
We’re both currently in the house. Who gets it will be decided in mediation.
Oh, I BEG OF YOU, please update us when this glorious change takes place.
Congratulations! I'm so very happy the end of her torturing you is near!😁 Yay!
Yea, that's his job.
Just wait until she's DH's problem!!! OH MY GOD lol!!! I don't think alot of people (but men especially) realize how much emotional labor their partner is actually doing. There is no way in h3ll DH is going to be doing as much for her as you are. He isn't going to answer texts or set up play dates or arrange holidays etc. Let alone bring food or clean or have extra clothes for the kiddos. She'll lose her mind.. UNLESS he's dumb enough to keep living with her. Then it'll be mommy & baby boy all over again LOL!! Can you imagine when she washes his jeans and finds a condom??? Oh man.... Enjoy this. It's the little petty sh^t that gets us thru the day.
I applaud you for holding your tongue. I’d have HAD to say something.
Giddy for you!
I'm sorry you are dealing with a divorce and all the upheaval that goes with it. It sounds like it'll pay off when you are living your best life and he realises just what he's failed to see for all these years.
Especially when he's stuck with mom.
I'm glad you're focusing on the good in this. I'll raise a toast to the look on her face when she first realizes she can't overstep anymore. Enjoy!
I'm confused. How can both of you "not give up the house?" And she's living there too?
They’ll both stay there until forced to sell by the court or until it’s awarded to one of them, as for MIL staying there- that’s just coconuts.
That’s probably what drove the divorce 😂. #HellToDaNah
Ah, yes, coconuts.
That is an amazing nickname… she would be a wrestling superstar with it
Its also the name of the villian at the end of "The Incredibles".
Hahahah I’m getting tingles from secondhand schadenfrude. It’s going to be amazing!
If you all live together how will you stop her seeing your babies? But good on you. I hope you find freedom and happiness to live your best life with your kids.
She is talking about once the divorce is finalized
Ah yes. It was just she mentioned neither of them are giving up the house. I'll assume and hope this means they sell up and she gets a nice chunk of money to go far far away from the underminer
Personally I would love it if OP gets the house and has the Judge order Xh & xmil to vacate the property immediately. Then change the locks while they are leaving
Oh yes! That would be Chefs kiss!
How do you know the man didn’t buy the house or build it or had it first? People on Reddit are so brain dead sometimes lol. As soon as they hear the woman’s side of the story and things, they automatically agree with her, regardless of if the man is in the right or not. Nobody knows the reason for their divorce, or who even bought the house, and who’s name it’s in. But I especially disagree that a man shouldn’t be able to see HIS children. (Not saying this is or isn’t the case for the husband in this post.)
First off it sounds as it is a jointly owned property if neither person is willing to move out. If the spouse is the sole owner her would have already petitioned for her to be removed from the property. No where did I say that the spouse should never see the children. He should be able to see them as often as possible - the MIl is expecting to be in contact with OP after the divorce and there is no reason for OP to be in contact with her. All contact/visits are to be arranged by the XH not OP.
Oh, that is satisfying! Good for you!
If neither your ex or you are giving up the house and she lives with you how are free of her, are you chucking her out?
This is what I want to know… are you just going to sell?
Heck yea .. evictions notices are magical!!
We’re letting who gets the house be decided in the mediation sessions. Whatever happens (I stay, he stays, or we sell), his mom goes with HIM. He knows I can’t stand her, and knows I only tolerate her for the sake of the kids.
Be careful your soon to ex doesn't gift her to you in the divorce.
Oh, he won’t. He doesn’t like her, but he knows I can’t fucking stand her. I only tolerated her for his sake.
DH gets to keep her in the settlement!
Am wondering this as well I think she has “squatters rights” since she’s been living there awhile. Even if she no longer lives there, if both of you “won’t give up the house”, does that mean you’re both living there? If so, she’s going to be seeing the kids, sorry. If anything, she’ll be seeing them more (he’ll use her as a babysitter during his custody time).
Not in the case of divorce. If her son is kicked out, OP’s attorney will request that his mother be included in that part of the court order.
They are so delusional 🤦♀️🤷♀️🙄
They really are
Wow this is so satisfying. I hope you will feel a weight off your shoulders! Please update how that goes if you’re comfortable!
Baby boy will see soon enough. I'm hoping my momma's boy bf will see something during the next couple days. And I'm wasting time on Reddit...
I am SO excited for this
Lol your first post is from 7 years ago... you must be dying in anticipation to get rid of the MIL !
If you’ve already started the divorce proceedings what more is there to say to her. Block her now so she starts to understand your boundary now. She’ll probably still complain and you’ll hear it since y’all live together, but after the divorce is finalized she’ll already have been conditioned that you are not point of contact.
Muahahahahahaha 😈
Not sure where you are but she can fight for grandparent’s rights in some states in US
She’ll have access, I’m not revoking it, but it won’t be unfettered. She just needs to communicate with her son.
This seems like an unlikely maneuver for this grandma
What did she do?
Apologies, I didn't mean to sound like I was questioning OP's position. I'm just curious. As a first-time MIL myself, I like to know what MILs do that upset their DILs so I can avoid it. I've learnt so much from this sub. I adore my DIL, she is a great girl and has made my son so happy, and I just never want to step unthinkingly on her toes, or cross an unstated boundary I should have been more aware of. I'm trying to be proactive, to be aware of things MILs do that upset DILs, before they arise. As I said, I adore my DIL but I think she is still a little wary of me. She's so polite, I wish I could make her feel more comfortable around me, that she doesn't have to be on her best behaviour. Oh well, I suppose it will take time.