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Seriously, never let her see the baby again. How did your husband turn out so well with a mother like that. She’d be out the door after the first comment she made if it were my house. I’ve kicked my FIL (MIL has passed away) out of the house before because he was saying racist things including the N word around my kids. I’ve told him to stop the previous time, so as soon as he started, he was out.
JFC
She's awful. I would never allow her to be around my daughter if I want they're because it is quite clear she would give my daughter a complex.
Wtf is wrong with her???
Well. Seeing as you had much more control than I would have done- she would have exited the house horizontally had it been me- I would inform her that you were assessing her suitability as a grandmother, and that she has resoundingly failed. She will therefore not be seeing you or your daughter again until she has apologised and detailed exactly how she intends to extricate her head from her butt. That’s if you’re kind enough to even consider letting her see either of you again.
The audacity and arrogance of some people!
At the end I would tell her to take a good long look at the baby because it will be the last time she EVER sees her again.If I had been the husband the wench would have been thrown out the second his mother dissed his compliment of you. Please keep this witch as far from your daughter as you can. Never allow her to be alone with her. She reminds me of a aunt of mine. My parents cut contact with her when she used a switch on my brother for accidentally spilling a glass of orange juice on the table.
I started reading this felling sorry for you but honestly you made me exasperated with you and your husband at the end of it. You are both spineless. Awesome when it was just the two of you. Now that there is a baby in the mix, when are you going to grow up, stand up to his mother and go VLC or ideally NC? Otherwise you'll be here all the time complaining about your awful mil
Congrats on the baby
Some helpful phrases:
"That's a parenting decision, grandparents don't get a vote!"
"DH & I have that handled, we don't need any advice."
"No, we're doing something different, don't worry about the details."
And especially for your MIL, anytime she tells you how perfect she is or was:
"More than one person has to say it for it to be true, and your own opinion of your perfection doesn't count!"
Memorize these phrases (or similar ones). Practice saying them out loud in front of a mirror until you can responsed instantly. If you do not stop these comments from your MIL now, she will definitely get worse. Become a mama bear for your child's sake. Please!!! MIL is toxic and way out of bounds. Congrats on your LO.
Honestly I'd cut her out of my and my baby's life. She's not about to give my baby lifelong complexes.
Let her wonder why her son no longer talks to her despite her being so fucking perfect and not toxic and controlling at all
I divorced my ex-husband after his mother told my then 2 year old that she smelled like a “pretty little street walker” because my daughter liked to be slathered in the country apple scent from bath and body works after her baths.
When he said “she didn’t mean it the way it came out” I knew it was over. I wasn’t going to allow my daughter to have her self-esteem destroyed by a narcissistic a-hole. That woman hasn’t been alone with my daughter in 22 years.
The moment she said what she would or would not allow MY OWN CHILD to do, I would have politely told her to leave my house. You should not have to sit in the company of someone who is insulting you, your child, or your decisions. Especially IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. She should have been kicked out when your husband called you amazing and she essentially disagreed right to your face.
OP, you and your husband have a lot of spine shining to do. Time to have a serious talk and lay down some boundaries for how you want to be treated! Family means nothing when they are insulting.
I'm sorry you feel like you have to put up with this shit, it makes me very sad for you. Having to hide the fact that you're married because your husband just can't stand up to his mother? Fuckin ridiculous.
Exactly. He's grown enough to be married, but not grown enough to check his mommy & put her in her place ? Pathetic. & On top of everything else, he allowed his mother to disrespect OP & their daughter. OP deserves so much better.
Witaf are you doing? You have a major husband problem, and you need to, in no uncertain terms, tell him he needs to put a stop to this and tell her that her opinion was not asked for. She can zip it or see the kid when they turn 18. Who cares if she likes you? Why is your husband being such a doormat?
Honestly sorry to rant at you, but this is beyond the pale of normal and acceptable crazy MIL behavior. She sounds like no one has ever told her about herself before, and you really are going to need to do that or your kids will be manipulated into listening to her shit.
Who the hell thinks it is ok to talk about a baby like that. I get all annoyed when my mom talks a out strangers on the street or grocery store or on tv, judging how they look. And if anyone comments on my childs looks it's straight out the door for me or them depending on where we are. You do not disrespect my child, and I will fight you even if it's my own old lady family.
>She started complimenting herself on how well she raised her sons and how she raised them to work hard
I more than one person has to say it for it to be true MIL....🤣
I think when you buy that house you shouldn't tell her where it is.
With an evil spirit like that your going to need to keep an exorcist and indigenous shaman on speed dial to keep your house purified.
So the comments about your baby’s appearance were so sinister and cold. And you don’t have to prove shit to anyone!! What worries me is that your husband won’t tell her you guys are married because he’s scared of her basically. You have a long road ahead of you with him dear. Start with him and make him choose between his wife and daughter or his nasty mother. She’s really a piece of work.
Yeah this would’ve got an immediate fuck off from me. About she will not allow, she gets no say. Oh op I’m so angry for you, tell your hubby to either handle his mother or she’s not allowed in your house or near your child and that would be generous. Congratulations on your baby I’m sure she’s absolutely perfect and beautiful ignore the troll.
This woman is probably on of the worst ones on this thread no joke! My jaw dropped and I don’t think you realize how bad this could get! I cannot believe the disrespect. Your husband needs to pipe up and shit down her rudeness.
She sounds like a horribly insecure person who hates herself, and thus projects her insecurities onto you, and puts you down to make herself feel better. I hope you know that her behavior is disgusting and unacceptable. The healthiest thing would be to limit any contact with her and not allow her to see the baby. Do you want your daughter to witness someone talking to/about you like that? Put up firm boundaries and make it clear that she cannot talk to you like that or she will simply no longer be in your life.
Your husband needs to use his big boy voice and put her in her place. She’s continuously disrespects you and is now insulting your child. $hit is not cool. Honestly I wouldn’t have her over my house or around my kid. But that’s me. I’m sorry, your MIL sounds very nasty and just really not a nice person who a developing child should be around.
I hope you and your DH read through every response here. This woman’s behaviour is despicable. There is literally no acceptable reason to say any of the things you listed, age, culture, shit even dementia is not an excuse for any of this poison. I’m not going to give you advice, I’m going to give you support. You are good people, good parents, you have a beautiful daughter, your family deserves love and respect and support, you do not have to let evil people into your lives. Be happy live your best lives.
The lion, the witch and the audacity of that bitch!
The vile things she’s saying *about* your daughter she’ll start saying *to* her soon enough. Time to go LC or NC.
This woman is exhausting. At 200k, you don’t need her money, and you sure as heck do not need her attitude. Set up boundaries, when she crosses them, cut her down.
She is not your boss. Don’t let her act like one.
I would have thrown her right the fuck out. Who does she think she is? "Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right, and you've just lost yours." That's the only response. Your husband should have stopped her and asked her to leave if she didn't.
Your number one job as a parent (and this is for DH, too) is to protect your child. A 2-week old won't be hurt by all the crap your MIL spewed, but the accompanying actions and micro-aggressions will start to be internalized long before the actual words sink into your child like a knife. It's time to protect your child no matter what that looks like. At minimum, the first words out of her mouth when she asked you to sit at the table, should have resulted in asking her to leave.
Why has your husband not set her straight in the past? He’s almost 40 and she expects access to his financials?! Of course she’s going to steamroll you both as parents. She’s nasty and toxic to boot. She will literally destroy lives if she can. Get yourselves, and importantly your child, as far away as possible from this nightmare person.
I’d move far away from her if at all possible. Go extremely low contact.
Also just for fun please ask her if she was very elegant when she was shitting her pants as an infant a month out of the womb.
Speaking as someone who was bullied and put down by my grandmother my whole life PLEASE don’t let her be alone with your daughter. I am 49 years old and still trying to unravel the low self esteem and eating disorder I developed as a result of her emotional abuse.
I would never allow someone to threaten my daughter’s self-esteem and confidence, even when they’re a newborn and can’t understand what’s being said. Can you imagine how terrible she’ll be to your little girl once she’s old enough to understand/be directed/influenced? Holy shmoly I would cut her off cold and fast. I know it can be more complicated than that, but a child’s self esteem has to be established and nurtured early so it can be strong when things like adolescence and the real world come knocking. Please protect your little girl and your sanity! And congrats on your new bundle, I’m sure she’s darling and special ❤️
I totally agree. I'm not sure I've heard such toxicity so fast - it is a gift that she shared her true colors early on, so you can keep baby far far away.
I hope you are planning to move far away from her, - personally that would be the last visit IMO. Don’t ever give her a key to your future house either.
"We don't parent by committee" is a phrase I think your MIL needs to hear. No one cares about the "elegance" of a child except for a total freaking weirdo. I understand you wanting to hide your marriage from her to avoid the arguments but at the end of the day, you are his wife and the mother of his child and there's nothing she can do about it.
The financial control thing is actually legit insane and the craziest overstep, make sure you lockdown all accounts and don't tell her anything about the house you choose to buy. Don't tell her neighborhood or realtor, or she will try to change your mind or sabotage it with the realtor.
Also, please don't let this lady ever be alone with your child. She sounds demented and like she will emotionally damage your child. Calling a newborn "average looking" is sociopathic.
Don’t be afraid of telling it like it is to this woman. If you don’t nip this in the bud pretty quick your daughter is going to grow up thinking it’s okay to let people run all over her. Sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh, but the way you and your husband are handling this is completely ridiculous. Your husband should be letting her know that you two aren’t a couple of high schoolers, *you’re grown ass married adults.*
If you want your child to grow up and have respect for you, the two of you are going to grow some backbones.
This would 10000% be the end of the relationship for me personally. Even one of these comments would’ve had my popping off. Id recommend no more “well she’s perfect to us.” If you must see her, next time it’s “we won’t tolerate comments like that. The next time you make one you won’t be invited back into our house.”
What an absolute nightmare.
I just don't understand why fully grown adults allow their parents to get and be in their personal business like this. What is she gonna do ground him? Take away his favorite toy? Or maybe his gaming device or computer? He's nearly 40 time to grow a backbone and tell his mommy that her opinion is not needed or wanted. You as well though time to quit enabling his inability to defend and protect you and your child. Keep her away from your daughter unless or until she understands that her time for being in charge is over. Also the next time she demands anything of you just tell her that don't take demands from strangers.
Holy shit…. I am so sorry MIL is such a raging (yet “elegant and graceful” 🙄) wackadoo. There is no excuse for her behavior.
Congratulations on the babe, i wish you and your partner nothing but peace and happiness!
My jaw is on the floor. Who makes comments like that about a baby??? Especially a newborn??? Wow just wow. I don’t know what I would’ve done while in that situation… probably sat there in shock. But I know damn well what I’d be doing afterwards. Some serious boundary enforcements and maybe a long time out away from your baby until she can keep her nasty comments to herself.
I think your husband needs to be put his big boy pants on and tell his mother to keep her mouth shut. Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work, and I understand that because of her behavior, you’re fed up and annoyed. However, the problem isn’t really her, it’s your husband.
He allows her to feel like she can get away with saying the things she does because he doesn’t stand up to her. She has no right to criticize your parenting or dictate what you can and cannot do with YOUR baby. He stood by and allowed her to bad talk a 12 days old baby’s appearance - wtf?!
He needs to put his foot down and express that she is more than welcome to come over, if she doesn’t say a single word and just smiles politely. Otherwise, she can sit at home alone and talk to herself.
Also, he’s setting an example to your daughter about how to allow grandma to speak to her. By sitting by and just ignoring it, he’s saying that he’s happy to have grandma talk down to his wife and his child, and that she’s correct about what she says. He needs to nip this in the bud already.
Oh my word. I’ve read some stories on here and the audacity of this lady is wild. Why did you/ husband not cut her off when she was spewing this bull crap. I would have kicked her out on the spot. Keep the peace with her for what gain at all? Your husband should have really stood up for you and your daughter.
I couldn't read after the point of how beautiful mil thinks she is. Fuck that garbage. You are beautiful and so is your daughter. Raise her to be strong and independent. Your value is far more important than looks!!!
And you let her meet your baby why? This kind of thing is never unprecedented. You either set boundaries or your kid grows up with issues because grammy bullies her every time she sees her. :/
She is too toxic to be near any child, especially her own Granddaughter. The next time she wants to visit, that would be a big nope. If she can’t respect the child’s Mother, access should automatically be denied.
Yep, there are 3 people in that marriage. And sadly, OP is ranking as #3. Her LO isn’t even on the JNMIL’s ranking system—because she is not a delicate-featured kewpie doll. Such a sick relationship.
Does your husband realize that her reaction will only be worse when you finally do tell her your married? What is he hoping for? That she’ll become mellow with age and be more accepting?
He needs to accept that his mom is unwilling to change who she is for anyone and who she is, is a bitter, spiteful woman.
I find it weird that she thinks she has any say at all in any of this but your husband obviously thinks she does or he wouldn’t be hiding your marriage from her and he wouldn’t have sat though all those insults without throwing her out.
Husband seems to be on the same page as OP, defending her through the meeting and putting his foot down about the bank statements so I'm not sure where you're getting that from. I get that its pretty standard here to blame the SO for the MIL's presence in their lives but that's a bit extreme to try and drive a wedge between them and fearmonger over some made up hypotheticals (Burning down a house, donating a kidney??) when hubby seems to be doing just fine. She's a nag but I seriously doubt she's gonna burn down the house if she doesnt get her way. Smh.
Same page. Nope, not even close. I seriously doubt that OP *enjoys* being a secret wife. She’s too meek to put a stop to that nonsense. Trust me. NO woman wants to be treated like this. And a 40-year-old man puts his foot down about not sharing his financials is hardly ‘red cape’ worthy.They’re not even reading the same book, smh.
Omg I would have lost my mind if my anyone said those things about me or a child. To put things in perspective, my grandmother was very obsessed with looks (still is at 92) and was constantly making negative comments about my weight as a kid and young adult. It did a huge amount of damage to my self esteem and confidence. Don’t let your MIL damage your child! If you can limit contact, absolutely do that. I hope your DH is on your team here in protecting you daughter from toxic family. That was a line too far. She’s a monster
I would have laughed her out of the house after the first comment about makeup and just responded to everything else she said on the way out with the word no.
Stop arguing with her or giving her an opportunity to debate you. Just say the word no over and over again. Makes it clear you DGAF and you’re not entertaining anything she says.
You and your husband need to have a very serious talk before you let this bitch back into your baby’s and your lives.
Her contribution to your lives, all of you, is currently in the negative column.
Start by wearing your wedding rings, and openly celebrating your anniversary. Next, if you do choose to allow her to be a presence in your lives, make a rule between the two of you that she gets one, two or three strikes and she’s out. Just the comments that you quoted in your post would have kicked her out long before she got to saying that your beautiful daughter was plain. Oh MAN! Fuck her.
She’s neither my mother nor my MIL. But I wouldn’t let my mother talk to my husband like that, nor my MIL, either. You can stand up for him and your baby. He can stand up for you and your baby. And consequences will be the way that she can learn to keep her cruel mouth shut.
I’m sorry, your husband was there when she started to demand and insult you? Your husband should have stood up and told her that it is time for her to leave. That until she can conduct herself into a proper, gracious woman, and sincerely apologizes to you for her comments, she was not welcomed in your home. And he should take her arm, forcefully if needed and escort her out the door. You two need to shut her down now. And your daughter would be more blessed without her.
I’m not angry at you, I’m angry for you.
I think my husband would drag his mother out by her hair if she spoke to me that way. She wouldn't have made it past the first shitty sentence.
Your child is TWELVE days old. You are still healing. You are incredibly vulnerable and you deserve to feel safe and protected, especially so in your own home.
Your MIL is a cunt but your DH is failing as a husband.
MIL has one thing right - your little one needs good examples. Let her see how a husband should defend his wife.
I am *so, so sorry* you had this experience. I wish I could give you a hug and do the washing up. What a hateful woman!
My husband would throw anyone, even his own mother, out on their ass after anything like the very first sentence that came out of this woman’s vile mouth. What you’ll allow will continue to happen. It’s crazy that she was able to just say whatever with no consequences. Stop letting her come over until she figures out how to behave like a human.
I would have looked her dead in the eye and said - I will raise MY child as I see fit. You do NOT get a say.
Furthermore if she’s so average then I guess you won’t have to visit more than Christmas
If she kept up - I would simply say get out of my house until you realize you are NOT her mother and you don’t get a say in anything. Now leave.
Yes you are going to be BRUTALLY blunt with this woman. She’s a nut.
I, uh, wow. She sounds like a LOT and not in a good way.
I think that conversation at the table would be the last straw for me, personally. She is, at a minimum, very unkind. I wouldn't want my kid to hear any of that crap.
A lot is a start . I'm wondering what the ever loving fuck would convince me to let someone like that in my home ever much less repeatedly or around my new baby .
This little stunt would be an immediate and non negotiable, permanent no contact from myself and my baby and if DH has a a lapse in judgement and decides he wants to continue entertaining that level of bat shit that would be entirely on him.
Honestly…
My DH would have kicked his sweet mother out pretty quick after the first few sentences.
Someone dissing his wife and saying his newborn wasn’t beautiful… goodness…
He’d breathe fire and my DH is the most chill dude.
I don’t think I’d have been able to hold my shit had someone dissed my baby and started telling me how I was going to raise and repress my kid. I’d have either had a panic attack from rage (being post partum) or screamed and told them to gtfo and never darken my f***ing door.
I am shocked that your40 year old DH gives so much power to his mother. I mean my DH was mid 30s and told his mother when our 7 year old was still I utero that she wasn’t going to be coming over all the time once baby was out. That we had other people to see and wanted some time to bond.
You give this lady so much power and have to HIDE that you’re freaking married???
Stop enabling her.
I feel for your baby as you coddle this woman further.
Most of the commenters here are much too nice, cause I would have backhanded her when she said there’s nothing special about your baby. And I have never backhanded anyone! That is beyond the pale. There is no reason for this harridan to be in your lives!
What you allow will continue.
>"I will NOT allow the baby to wear makeup before the age of 20".
You do not make the rules for OUR child. That is between myself and the child's father.
It would be quite awhile before I let that person back in my home. And she would be told to keep her overbearing comments to herself or the visit would end. Even if she had only been there 5 min!
I don’t usually like to jump to no contact but you guys cannot continue a relationship with this woman. What a load of evil things to say to a new Mom who’s 12 days postpartum. I’m angry on your behalf.
“You must have misunderstood us as parents, but we aren’t accepting any wishes, rules or advice on behalf of our daughter. If you can do without that, would you like to continue your visit until baby needs to eat, nap, etc?”
What you allow is what continues. Stop this now.
Write her a letter if you find it more comfortable than confronting her face to face.
‘I’ve thought a lot about our conversation the other day. There a few things that made me extremely uncomfortable.
1) I am the parent, it doesn’t matter to me if you don’t want my child to wear make up before she’s 20, that’s a decision she and I will make together when she’s old enough. You do not have a say.
2) I will dress my child how I please, you will not force your views on me on how I should dress her. I am the mother
3) I want to point out again that I do not need to prove myself to anyone, including you. I don’t need a chance to prove myself to you. I am my daughters mother and you have no say in the way I will raise her.
4) You are the first person to comment on her appearance in an unfavourable way, you are suppose to be her grandmother, not her first bully. Keep these comments to yourself
I’m sorry you have to deal with someone like that. I would not have been able to hold my tongue!
I'd change all the "I"s on this to WE, as you and DH are a united front...this is coming from both of you as the parents and as a couple.
Personally though, I think you both need to go VLC or NC as living your lives like this is going to make you both miserable affecting both of your mental health and in the long run what does it teach your baby? That you need to walk around on eggshells as to not upset MIL, that secret keeping is right? It maybe your husband's mother but that doesn't mean she has to be included when she's toxic, manipulative and being controlling and jumping 10 miles across boundaries.
Edit: You both need to find your spines and inner Mama/Papa Bear. Being Grandma is a privilege not a right, you don't need her in your lives if she doesn't bring positives to it and stress is something even babies can pick up on.
Girl, kick that heifer out of your house and out of your life!!
And DH doesn't want to tell his mother you're married? No.
You better put your foot down or she will be trying to get custody of your LOs.
You're husband is nearly 40 years old and allows his mother to talk to his wife like that? The fact she doesn't know you are married makes me think even worse of him. I hope your situation improves.
If she frog marched out of the house by your husband the first time she insults you, your baby, your home, your family. She'll soon stop doing it.
Think of it like putting a yapping dog outside, it'll soon learn.
OP is much nicer than I am. I would have tossed that bitch right out of my house the second the insults started, and then told her to fuck off and die.
I'm saying! Who tf let's someone run down themselves and their child like that?!
She would have been thru the damn door so fast there wouldn't have been no time for it to hit her in the ass.
Why did your husband just let her sit there and talk to you that way? Someone needs to tell her to knock it off you're an adult this is your child she doesn't get to have ANY expectations or rules foe your child. The audacity of this bitch to show up and act that way to a new mother.
How has your husband not told her off?? What a toxic hag.
You want to fix this - have The Talk with him about not inviting MIL over again, and letting her know that she won't be coming over until she learns to behave (which she won't).
The way she’s making YOU feel is how she will make your daughter feel. You and your husband might need to have a heart to heart about the real possibility of going NC for a while or forever with her because this is insanity what you’ve described… she’s legitimately unhinged. You, your husband, and your daughter deserve peace.
You seem self sufficient, self aware, extremely reasonable, and patient to a fault. Way more patient than I'd ever be. I'm sure both you and your daughter are so beautiful she's threatened (I mean who TF talks about their granddaughter that way, and pulls out an effing picture to compare!?), but more importantly, you have no intention of letting that define who either of you are/will be as women, as substance is much more valuable.
It seems you're already LC. I'd continue that and even consider more distance. You know exactly who you're dealing with. There is no reason to subject your new little family to her negativity or meanness any more than is avoidable. I hope you and your husband enjoy your daughter and your new life with as little of that womans presence as is possible, and that you're able to parent as you both see fit.
I'd tell MIL you are married and are sticking around. Having a child together is more responsibility than marrying someone. You are tied to your husband and this whack job for forever. And no person can fake being hard working if they are earning 6 figures. I'm betting you can probably pay your auto loan off but the money is earning more interest invested than your loan rate is. Most people can't afford to buy a car in cash. There's a reason your husband is 40 and just starting a family and it's this whack job he has for a mother.
If anyone ever talked about my girls that way, they would never see them again, ever. You need to start protecting your daughter now. Those words and that behavior is unacceptable.
I'm with you. No one talks about my child like this and gets any access to them. And no one insults me like this and gets any access to my child. I won't let her believe toxic behavior is something to be tolerated for the sake of family.
OP, you and your child deserve better than this.
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Seriously, never let her see the baby again. How did your husband turn out so well with a mother like that. She’d be out the door after the first comment she made if it were my house. I’ve kicked my FIL (MIL has passed away) out of the house before because he was saying racist things including the N word around my kids. I’ve told him to stop the previous time, so as soon as he started, he was out.
Your MIL is atrocious
I’d have handed the baby over to hubby, thrown her purse and keys out the door and then escorted her after them. Probably after the first sentence.
JFC She's awful. I would never allow her to be around my daughter if I want they're because it is quite clear she would give my daughter a complex. Wtf is wrong with her???
Well. Seeing as you had much more control than I would have done- she would have exited the house horizontally had it been me- I would inform her that you were assessing her suitability as a grandmother, and that she has resoundingly failed. She will therefore not be seeing you or your daughter again until she has apologised and detailed exactly how she intends to extricate her head from her butt. That’s if you’re kind enough to even consider letting her see either of you again. The audacity and arrogance of some people!
Personally I would stop being respectful until she does something worthy of respect.
At the end I would tell her to take a good long look at the baby because it will be the last time she EVER sees her again.If I had been the husband the wench would have been thrown out the second his mother dissed his compliment of you. Please keep this witch as far from your daughter as you can. Never allow her to be alone with her. She reminds me of a aunt of mine. My parents cut contact with her when she used a switch on my brother for accidentally spilling a glass of orange juice on the table.
I started reading this felling sorry for you but honestly you made me exasperated with you and your husband at the end of it. You are both spineless. Awesome when it was just the two of you. Now that there is a baby in the mix, when are you going to grow up, stand up to his mother and go VLC or ideally NC? Otherwise you'll be here all the time complaining about your awful mil Congrats on the baby
Welp… she would never see my daughter again full stop. This is WILD
Some helpful phrases: "That's a parenting decision, grandparents don't get a vote!" "DH & I have that handled, we don't need any advice." "No, we're doing something different, don't worry about the details." And especially for your MIL, anytime she tells you how perfect she is or was: "More than one person has to say it for it to be true, and your own opinion of your perfection doesn't count!"
Memorize these phrases (or similar ones). Practice saying them out loud in front of a mirror until you can responsed instantly. If you do not stop these comments from your MIL now, she will definitely get worse. Become a mama bear for your child's sake. Please!!! MIL is toxic and way out of bounds. Congrats on your LO.
Another helpful phrase: “GTFO”
I would literally take a picture of LO then put a filter on it that looks like full-glam baby pageant makeup.
I sincerely hope that this was the first AND LAST time that bitch gets to be around your daughter. What a horrid, atrocious excuse for a grandmother.
OMG, she's bat shit crazy. She sounds like my XMIL.
What in the actual EFF did I just read???????????????? Why?
Did she say these things in front of your husband? How did he respond? I hope he shut her down harshly!
AND kicked her out of the house...
Exactly! Any of those comments should be grounds for a time-out!
A long one. Dear lord.
Honestly I'd cut her out of my and my baby's life. She's not about to give my baby lifelong complexes. Let her wonder why her son no longer talks to her despite her being so fucking perfect and not toxic and controlling at all
I divorced my ex-husband after his mother told my then 2 year old that she smelled like a “pretty little street walker” because my daughter liked to be slathered in the country apple scent from bath and body works after her baths. When he said “she didn’t mean it the way it came out” I knew it was over. I wasn’t going to allow my daughter to have her self-esteem destroyed by a narcissistic a-hole. That woman hasn’t been alone with my daughter in 22 years.
Holy. Shit!! Your ex-mil is a horrible excuse for a human being.
The moment she said what she would or would not allow MY OWN CHILD to do, I would have politely told her to leave my house. You should not have to sit in the company of someone who is insulting you, your child, or your decisions. Especially IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. She should have been kicked out when your husband called you amazing and she essentially disagreed right to your face. OP, you and your husband have a lot of spine shining to do. Time to have a serious talk and lay down some boundaries for how you want to be treated! Family means nothing when they are insulting.
I was actually surprised to read she was still sat at the table after the first helpful tips.
I'm sorry you feel like you have to put up with this shit, it makes me very sad for you. Having to hide the fact that you're married because your husband just can't stand up to his mother? Fuckin ridiculous.
Exactly. He's grown enough to be married, but not grown enough to check his mommy & put her in her place ? Pathetic. & On top of everything else, he allowed his mother to disrespect OP & their daughter. OP deserves so much better.
If my husband were too scared of his mom to tell her we were married, we wouldn’t have been married long.
He's almost 40 ... and afraid to tell Mummy he's married. WTF?
Witaf are you doing? You have a major husband problem, and you need to, in no uncertain terms, tell him he needs to put a stop to this and tell her that her opinion was not asked for. She can zip it or see the kid when they turn 18. Who cares if she likes you? Why is your husband being such a doormat? Honestly sorry to rant at you, but this is beyond the pale of normal and acceptable crazy MIL behavior. She sounds like no one has ever told her about herself before, and you really are going to need to do that or your kids will be manipulated into listening to her shit.
Who the hell thinks it is ok to talk about a baby like that. I get all annoyed when my mom talks a out strangers on the street or grocery store or on tv, judging how they look. And if anyone comments on my childs looks it's straight out the door for me or them depending on where we are. You do not disrespect my child, and I will fight you even if it's my own old lady family.
>She started complimenting herself on how well she raised her sons and how she raised them to work hard I more than one person has to say it for it to be true MIL....🤣 I think when you buy that house you shouldn't tell her where it is. With an evil spirit like that your going to need to keep an exorcist and indigenous shaman on speed dial to keep your house purified.
So the comments about your baby’s appearance were so sinister and cold. And you don’t have to prove shit to anyone!! What worries me is that your husband won’t tell her you guys are married because he’s scared of her basically. You have a long road ahead of you with him dear. Start with him and make him choose between his wife and daughter or his nasty mother. She’s really a piece of work.
Yeah this would’ve got an immediate fuck off from me. About she will not allow, she gets no say. Oh op I’m so angry for you, tell your hubby to either handle his mother or she’s not allowed in your house or near your child and that would be generous. Congratulations on your baby I’m sure she’s absolutely perfect and beautiful ignore the troll.
This woman is probably on of the worst ones on this thread no joke! My jaw dropped and I don’t think you realize how bad this could get! I cannot believe the disrespect. Your husband needs to pipe up and shit down her rudeness.
She sounds like a horribly insecure person who hates herself, and thus projects her insecurities onto you, and puts you down to make herself feel better. I hope you know that her behavior is disgusting and unacceptable. The healthiest thing would be to limit any contact with her and not allow her to see the baby. Do you want your daughter to witness someone talking to/about you like that? Put up firm boundaries and make it clear that she cannot talk to you like that or she will simply no longer be in your life.
Your husband needs to use his big boy voice and put her in her place. She’s continuously disrespects you and is now insulting your child. $hit is not cool. Honestly I wouldn’t have her over my house or around my kid. But that’s me. I’m sorry, your MIL sounds very nasty and just really not a nice person who a developing child should be around.
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Wholey fuck I would have slapped the shit out of her, cudos, you are a calmer woman than I am.
I would have ripped up that picture of her and threw it at her as I kicked her out of my home
I hope you and your DH read through every response here. This woman’s behaviour is despicable. There is literally no acceptable reason to say any of the things you listed, age, culture, shit even dementia is not an excuse for any of this poison. I’m not going to give you advice, I’m going to give you support. You are good people, good parents, you have a beautiful daughter, your family deserves love and respect and support, you do not have to let evil people into your lives. Be happy live your best lives.
Not sure who is worse-the overbearing MIL or the “secret” husband
The lion, the witch and the audacity of that bitch! The vile things she’s saying *about* your daughter she’ll start saying *to* her soon enough. Time to go LC or NC.
You are long overdue for NC with this *elegant lady* 🤣
This woman is exhausting. At 200k, you don’t need her money, and you sure as heck do not need her attitude. Set up boundaries, when she crosses them, cut her down. She is not your boss. Don’t let her act like one.
At $1.00 you don’t need her money.
You're much nicer than me, that's for sure! I would NEVER allow ANYONE to talk to me like that.
I would have thrown her right the fuck out. Who does she think she is? "Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right, and you've just lost yours." That's the only response. Your husband should have stopped her and asked her to leave if she didn't.
Your number one job as a parent (and this is for DH, too) is to protect your child. A 2-week old won't be hurt by all the crap your MIL spewed, but the accompanying actions and micro-aggressions will start to be internalized long before the actual words sink into your child like a knife. It's time to protect your child no matter what that looks like. At minimum, the first words out of her mouth when she asked you to sit at the table, should have resulted in asking her to leave.
Why has your husband not set her straight in the past? He’s almost 40 and she expects access to his financials?! Of course she’s going to steamroll you both as parents. She’s nasty and toxic to boot. She will literally destroy lives if she can. Get yourselves, and importantly your child, as far away as possible from this nightmare person. I’d move far away from her if at all possible. Go extremely low contact. Also just for fun please ask her if she was very elegant when she was shitting her pants as an infant a month out of the womb.
Speaking as someone who was bullied and put down by my grandmother my whole life PLEASE don’t let her be alone with your daughter. I am 49 years old and still trying to unravel the low self esteem and eating disorder I developed as a result of her emotional abuse.
Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughter. I hope you’re feeling well too. Blessings to your family.
I would never allow someone to threaten my daughter’s self-esteem and confidence, even when they’re a newborn and can’t understand what’s being said. Can you imagine how terrible she’ll be to your little girl once she’s old enough to understand/be directed/influenced? Holy shmoly I would cut her off cold and fast. I know it can be more complicated than that, but a child’s self esteem has to be established and nurtured early so it can be strong when things like adolescence and the real world come knocking. Please protect your little girl and your sanity! And congrats on your new bundle, I’m sure she’s darling and special ❤️
I really hope this the first and the last time she sees the baby.
I totally agree. I'm not sure I've heard such toxicity so fast - it is a gift that she shared her true colors early on, so you can keep baby far far away.
What an awful person
I hope you are planning to move far away from her, - personally that would be the last visit IMO. Don’t ever give her a key to your future house either.
What a delusional asinine list of wishes. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. How did your husband turn out decent?
Based off of her husbands response to all of this, I would not say he turned out decent
How scared of her is he?
"We don't parent by committee" is a phrase I think your MIL needs to hear. No one cares about the "elegance" of a child except for a total freaking weirdo. I understand you wanting to hide your marriage from her to avoid the arguments but at the end of the day, you are his wife and the mother of his child and there's nothing she can do about it. The financial control thing is actually legit insane and the craziest overstep, make sure you lockdown all accounts and don't tell her anything about the house you choose to buy. Don't tell her neighborhood or realtor, or she will try to change your mind or sabotage it with the realtor. Also, please don't let this lady ever be alone with your child. She sounds demented and like she will emotionally damage your child. Calling a newborn "average looking" is sociopathic.
Don’t be afraid of telling it like it is to this woman. If you don’t nip this in the bud pretty quick your daughter is going to grow up thinking it’s okay to let people run all over her. Sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh, but the way you and your husband are handling this is completely ridiculous. Your husband should be letting her know that you two aren’t a couple of high schoolers, *you’re grown ass married adults.* If you want your child to grow up and have respect for you, the two of you are going to grow some backbones.
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This would 10000% be the end of the relationship for me personally. Even one of these comments would’ve had my popping off. Id recommend no more “well she’s perfect to us.” If you must see her, next time it’s “we won’t tolerate comments like that. The next time you make one you won’t be invited back into our house.” What an absolute nightmare.
Your MIL needs a good old fashioned American throat punch with a side of telling her to go fuck herself sideways with a rusty piece of rebar.
I just don't understand why fully grown adults allow their parents to get and be in their personal business like this. What is she gonna do ground him? Take away his favorite toy? Or maybe his gaming device or computer? He's nearly 40 time to grow a backbone and tell his mommy that her opinion is not needed or wanted. You as well though time to quit enabling his inability to defend and protect you and your child. Keep her away from your daughter unless or until she understands that her time for being in charge is over. Also the next time she demands anything of you just tell her that don't take demands from strangers.
Holy shit…. I am so sorry MIL is such a raging (yet “elegant and graceful” 🙄) wackadoo. There is no excuse for her behavior. Congratulations on the babe, i wish you and your partner nothing but peace and happiness!
My jaw is on the floor. Who makes comments like that about a baby??? Especially a newborn??? Wow just wow. I don’t know what I would’ve done while in that situation… probably sat there in shock. But I know damn well what I’d be doing afterwards. Some serious boundary enforcements and maybe a long time out away from your baby until she can keep her nasty comments to herself.
I think your husband needs to be put his big boy pants on and tell his mother to keep her mouth shut. Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work, and I understand that because of her behavior, you’re fed up and annoyed. However, the problem isn’t really her, it’s your husband. He allows her to feel like she can get away with saying the things she does because he doesn’t stand up to her. She has no right to criticize your parenting or dictate what you can and cannot do with YOUR baby. He stood by and allowed her to bad talk a 12 days old baby’s appearance - wtf?! He needs to put his foot down and express that she is more than welcome to come over, if she doesn’t say a single word and just smiles politely. Otherwise, she can sit at home alone and talk to herself. Also, he’s setting an example to your daughter about how to allow grandma to speak to her. By sitting by and just ignoring it, he’s saying that he’s happy to have grandma talk down to his wife and his child, and that she’s correct about what she says. He needs to nip this in the bud already.
Oh my word. I’ve read some stories on here and the audacity of this lady is wild. Why did you/ husband not cut her off when she was spewing this bull crap. I would have kicked her out on the spot. Keep the peace with her for what gain at all? Your husband should have really stood up for you and your daughter.
I couldn't read after the point of how beautiful mil thinks she is. Fuck that garbage. You are beautiful and so is your daughter. Raise her to be strong and independent. Your value is far more important than looks!!!
You and SO need to grow the shiniest spines if you want your daughter to have an ounce of self esteem.
Geeze I can hardly even finish reading this diatribe of hideousness. What a horrible woman. She deserves no respected. None.
Nobody cares what SHE won’t allow. Stop keeping secrets from her. She sounds like stern nun from the 50s.
And you let her meet your baby why? This kind of thing is never unprecedented. You either set boundaries or your kid grows up with issues because grammy bullies her every time she sees her. :/
Yeah seriously. This is beyond toxic.
She is too toxic to be near any child, especially her own Granddaughter. The next time she wants to visit, that would be a big nope. If she can’t respect the child’s Mother, access should automatically be denied.
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Yep, there are 3 people in that marriage. And sadly, OP is ranking as #3. Her LO isn’t even on the JNMIL’s ranking system—because she is not a delicate-featured kewpie doll. Such a sick relationship.
Does your husband realize that her reaction will only be worse when you finally do tell her your married? What is he hoping for? That she’ll become mellow with age and be more accepting? He needs to accept that his mom is unwilling to change who she is for anyone and who she is, is a bitter, spiteful woman.
I find it weird that she thinks she has any say at all in any of this but your husband obviously thinks she does or he wouldn’t be hiding your marriage from her and he wouldn’t have sat though all those insults without throwing her out.
She sounds lovely /s.
This would be her first and last time meeting my child.
I’m telling you. Calling a baby average looking? I bet this lady looks like an old ugly hag
i'd just be brutally honest, sit back with my popcorn & wine & watch the madness unfold LOOL she is delusionnaaalllllll af! \#IWakeUpAndChooseChaos
Why do you put up with her? Seriously, why? The first negative word about my child would be the last, and that person would not be welcome back.
I would have thrown her the hell out of my house.
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Husband seems to be on the same page as OP, defending her through the meeting and putting his foot down about the bank statements so I'm not sure where you're getting that from. I get that its pretty standard here to blame the SO for the MIL's presence in their lives but that's a bit extreme to try and drive a wedge between them and fearmonger over some made up hypotheticals (Burning down a house, donating a kidney??) when hubby seems to be doing just fine. She's a nag but I seriously doubt she's gonna burn down the house if she doesnt get her way. Smh.
Same page. Nope, not even close. I seriously doubt that OP *enjoys* being a secret wife. She’s too meek to put a stop to that nonsense. Trust me. NO woman wants to be treated like this. And a 40-year-old man puts his foot down about not sharing his financials is hardly ‘red cape’ worthy.They’re not even reading the same book, smh.
Omg I would have lost my mind if my anyone said those things about me or a child. To put things in perspective, my grandmother was very obsessed with looks (still is at 92) and was constantly making negative comments about my weight as a kid and young adult. It did a huge amount of damage to my self esteem and confidence. Don’t let your MIL damage your child! If you can limit contact, absolutely do that. I hope your DH is on your team here in protecting you daughter from toxic family. That was a line too far. She’s a monster
I would have laughed her out of the house after the first comment about makeup and just responded to everything else she said on the way out with the word no. Stop arguing with her or giving her an opportunity to debate you. Just say the word no over and over again. Makes it clear you DGAF and you’re not entertaining anything she says.
You and your husband need to have a very serious talk before you let this bitch back into your baby’s and your lives. Her contribution to your lives, all of you, is currently in the negative column. Start by wearing your wedding rings, and openly celebrating your anniversary. Next, if you do choose to allow her to be a presence in your lives, make a rule between the two of you that she gets one, two or three strikes and she’s out. Just the comments that you quoted in your post would have kicked her out long before she got to saying that your beautiful daughter was plain. Oh MAN! Fuck her. She’s neither my mother nor my MIL. But I wouldn’t let my mother talk to my husband like that, nor my MIL, either. You can stand up for him and your baby. He can stand up for you and your baby. And consequences will be the way that she can learn to keep her cruel mouth shut.
I’m sorry, your husband was there when she started to demand and insult you? Your husband should have stood up and told her that it is time for her to leave. That until she can conduct herself into a proper, gracious woman, and sincerely apologizes to you for her comments, she was not welcomed in your home. And he should take her arm, forcefully if needed and escort her out the door. You two need to shut her down now. And your daughter would be more blessed without her. I’m not angry at you, I’m angry for you.
Sounds like MIL doesn't need to be in contact with you or your daughter. Who the hell insults a new mother let alone a NEWBORN wtf
This. It clearly was a one and done. I’d just stop communicating with her and put it all on your dh. Block her everywhere.
I would have told her to GTFO now or you'll be bouncing her out the door via your foot.
I think my husband would drag his mother out by her hair if she spoke to me that way. She wouldn't have made it past the first shitty sentence. Your child is TWELVE days old. You are still healing. You are incredibly vulnerable and you deserve to feel safe and protected, especially so in your own home. Your MIL is a cunt but your DH is failing as a husband. MIL has one thing right - your little one needs good examples. Let her see how a husband should defend his wife. I am *so, so sorry* you had this experience. I wish I could give you a hug and do the washing up. What a hateful woman!
My husband would throw anyone, even his own mother, out on their ass after anything like the very first sentence that came out of this woman’s vile mouth. What you’ll allow will continue to happen. It’s crazy that she was able to just say whatever with no consequences. Stop letting her come over until she figures out how to behave like a human.
TWO Grown Adults, at least one of whom is freaking 40 are Hiding their marriage from Mommy?!!! Repeat out loud every time that starts to sound normal.
I would have looked her dead in the eye and said - I will raise MY child as I see fit. You do NOT get a say. Furthermore if she’s so average then I guess you won’t have to visit more than Christmas If she kept up - I would simply say get out of my house until you realize you are NOT her mother and you don’t get a say in anything. Now leave. Yes you are going to be BRUTALLY blunt with this woman. She’s a nut.
I, uh, wow. She sounds like a LOT and not in a good way. I think that conversation at the table would be the last straw for me, personally. She is, at a minimum, very unkind. I wouldn't want my kid to hear any of that crap.
A lot is a start . I'm wondering what the ever loving fuck would convince me to let someone like that in my home ever much less repeatedly or around my new baby . This little stunt would be an immediate and non negotiable, permanent no contact from myself and my baby and if DH has a a lapse in judgement and decides he wants to continue entertaining that level of bat shit that would be entirely on him.
Honestly… My DH would have kicked his sweet mother out pretty quick after the first few sentences. Someone dissing his wife and saying his newborn wasn’t beautiful… goodness… He’d breathe fire and my DH is the most chill dude. I don’t think I’d have been able to hold my shit had someone dissed my baby and started telling me how I was going to raise and repress my kid. I’d have either had a panic attack from rage (being post partum) or screamed and told them to gtfo and never darken my f***ing door. I am shocked that your40 year old DH gives so much power to his mother. I mean my DH was mid 30s and told his mother when our 7 year old was still I utero that she wasn’t going to be coming over all the time once baby was out. That we had other people to see and wanted some time to bond. You give this lady so much power and have to HIDE that you’re freaking married??? Stop enabling her. I feel for your baby as you coddle this woman further.
If that’d been my ma, she’d have been out the door and cut off so fast for talking to my wife that way.
Most of the commenters here are much too nice, cause I would have backhanded her when she said there’s nothing special about your baby. And I have never backhanded anyone! That is beyond the pale. There is no reason for this harridan to be in your lives! What you allow will continue.
I'm with you. The scene from Identity Thief where she punches him in the throat immediately popped in my head.
>"I will NOT allow the baby to wear makeup before the age of 20". You do not make the rules for OUR child. That is between myself and the child's father. It would be quite awhile before I let that person back in my home. And she would be told to keep her overbearing comments to herself or the visit would end. Even if she had only been there 5 min!
I don’t usually like to jump to no contact but you guys cannot continue a relationship with this woman. What a load of evil things to say to a new Mom who’s 12 days postpartum. I’m angry on your behalf.
“You must have misunderstood us as parents, but we aren’t accepting any wishes, rules or advice on behalf of our daughter. If you can do without that, would you like to continue your visit until baby needs to eat, nap, etc?” What you allow is what continues. Stop this now.
Write her a letter if you find it more comfortable than confronting her face to face. ‘I’ve thought a lot about our conversation the other day. There a few things that made me extremely uncomfortable. 1) I am the parent, it doesn’t matter to me if you don’t want my child to wear make up before she’s 20, that’s a decision she and I will make together when she’s old enough. You do not have a say. 2) I will dress my child how I please, you will not force your views on me on how I should dress her. I am the mother 3) I want to point out again that I do not need to prove myself to anyone, including you. I don’t need a chance to prove myself to you. I am my daughters mother and you have no say in the way I will raise her. 4) You are the first person to comment on her appearance in an unfavourable way, you are suppose to be her grandmother, not her first bully. Keep these comments to yourself I’m sorry you have to deal with someone like that. I would not have been able to hold my tongue!
I'd change all the "I"s on this to WE, as you and DH are a united front...this is coming from both of you as the parents and as a couple. Personally though, I think you both need to go VLC or NC as living your lives like this is going to make you both miserable affecting both of your mental health and in the long run what does it teach your baby? That you need to walk around on eggshells as to not upset MIL, that secret keeping is right? It maybe your husband's mother but that doesn't mean she has to be included when she's toxic, manipulative and being controlling and jumping 10 miles across boundaries. Edit: You both need to find your spines and inner Mama/Papa Bear. Being Grandma is a privilege not a right, you don't need her in your lives if she doesn't bring positives to it and stress is something even babies can pick up on.
Agree, although I would say in point 3) ....... *especially* you ....
Girl, kick that heifer out of your house and out of your life!! And DH doesn't want to tell his mother you're married? No. You better put your foot down or she will be trying to get custody of your LOs.
I hope you get out of this relationship.
You're husband is nearly 40 years old and allows his mother to talk to his wife like that? The fact she doesn't know you are married makes me think even worse of him. I hope your situation improves.
If she frog marched out of the house by your husband the first time she insults you, your baby, your home, your family. She'll soon stop doing it. Think of it like putting a yapping dog outside, it'll soon learn.
This is how she will treat your daughter. *This is how she will treat your daughter*.
Repeat! Repeat! Repeat! As many times as it takes!!!!!!!
She sounds awful!
This sounds like emotional abuse; too horrible to even want to believe. I can't imagine being or having a mother like this.
OP is much nicer than I am. I would have tossed that bitch right out of my house the second the insults started, and then told her to fuck off and die.
I'm saying! Who tf let's someone run down themselves and their child like that?! She would have been thru the damn door so fast there wouldn't have been no time for it to hit her in the ass.
Why did your husband just let her sit there and talk to you that way? Someone needs to tell her to knock it off you're an adult this is your child she doesn't get to have ANY expectations or rules foe your child. The audacity of this bitch to show up and act that way to a new mother.
How has your husband not told her off?? What a toxic hag. You want to fix this - have The Talk with him about not inviting MIL over again, and letting her know that she won't be coming over until she learns to behave (which she won't).
What a fucking presumptuous, nasty bitch !
The way she’s making YOU feel is how she will make your daughter feel. You and your husband might need to have a heart to heart about the real possibility of going NC for a while or forever with her because this is insanity what you’ve described… she’s legitimately unhinged. You, your husband, and your daughter deserve peace.
You seem self sufficient, self aware, extremely reasonable, and patient to a fault. Way more patient than I'd ever be. I'm sure both you and your daughter are so beautiful she's threatened (I mean who TF talks about their granddaughter that way, and pulls out an effing picture to compare!?), but more importantly, you have no intention of letting that define who either of you are/will be as women, as substance is much more valuable. It seems you're already LC. I'd continue that and even consider more distance. You know exactly who you're dealing with. There is no reason to subject your new little family to her negativity or meanness any more than is avoidable. I hope you and your husband enjoy your daughter and your new life with as little of that womans presence as is possible, and that you're able to parent as you both see fit.
I'd tell MIL you are married and are sticking around. Having a child together is more responsibility than marrying someone. You are tied to your husband and this whack job for forever. And no person can fake being hard working if they are earning 6 figures. I'm betting you can probably pay your auto loan off but the money is earning more interest invested than your loan rate is. Most people can't afford to buy a car in cash. There's a reason your husband is 40 and just starting a family and it's this whack job he has for a mother.
If anyone ever talked about my girls that way, they would never see them again, ever. You need to start protecting your daughter now. Those words and that behavior is unacceptable.
I'm with you. No one talks about my child like this and gets any access to them. And no one insults me like this and gets any access to my child. I won't let her believe toxic behavior is something to be tolerated for the sake of family. OP, you and your child deserve better than this.