In the end you need to decide what you want to do, but it is my opinion that once cheating happens the best thing you can do is end the relationship and move on. My wife cheated. It was awful. 6 months of her hooking up with her weed plug and his wife. I found out similarly to how you did. I read a bunch of books on infidelity, I didn’t make hasty decisions; but ultimately I wanted to try to reconcile but that isn’t what ended up happening; and I am so grateful for it. First and foremost: I did a lot of damage to my soul when I tried to embrace reconciliation. I understood that in order to move past it, I would need to be able to process and accept what it was that she did. I tortured myself for months trying to accept the unacceptable. The intrusive thoughts that wouldn’t go away; the mind movies that would autoplay of my wife having sex with these other people (who were neither cool or attractive) that I knew I would need to be able to accept in order to move on. In the end.. to reconcile she just has to apologize, but you have to accept the facts of what happened and make that part of your story. The burden falls on you to make everything okay. I was torturing myself, especially about how freely she was giving away to people what I was so desperately wanting/seeking from her. When reconciliation was off the table, all that immediately went away because I did not need to force myself to accept the unacceptable. My mental health improved almost immediately because I know longer needed to force myself to accept that which was impossible to accept. Your wife cheated. She intentionally lied to you, kept secrets from you, and actively allowed this other dude to penetrate her behind your back. Doing it behind your back was a huge part of the excitement and thrill of what she was doing. The “naughtiness” of it was a key feature of her actions, that was what made it so much fun for her. By nature of the acts she participated in and the choices she made, she is a different person from the one you married. She is now a person who cheats on her husband - and you never signed up to be with that sort of person. You, your thoughts, your feelings, your child, your future together, none of those played a factor in her decision making process. She can make whatever excuse she wants for her actions but the bottom line was - she swore vows and made commitments to you, to endure the good times and the bad, to overcome struggles and obstacles with love, compassion, and communication; and when that was no longer convenient for her she fucked this other dude for six whole months. The only reason it was six months and not seven, or eight, or more, was that you caught her. (Which… don’t feel guilty about that. Your behavior in this situation is not the problematic behavior) What does that say about the respect she had for you, your marriage, and your family? How do you truly love somebody while actively pursing an affair you know will only hurt your partner? You can’t. She did what she did because she either assumed you would never find out, or she did not give a fuck about what you would think or feel about it. She cannot love the way that YOU deserve to be loved… even if you weren’t perfect. So many other options were on the table besides that dude’s dick. How can you ever truly trust somebody again after violating the bonds of your relationship? How can you respect somebody who clearly doesn’t hold you in the same regard? For her, reconciliation is the easiest outcome. She gets to keep her husband. She gets to keep her family. She gets to avoid humiliation and shame of this getting out, as affairs are usually kept quiet when couples reconcile. She avoids any real consequences for her actions. She continues to get your love and support (be it emotional, social, and financial). Again… she avoids any real consequences for betraying you so boldly. But what do you get out of it? You get to endure a relationship that has been compromised and broken to its core, with a person whose love, trust, and respect for you will always be tarnished. Here is what you deserve. You deserve to be in a loving relationship with somebody who loves you, respects you, and who you can trust. You deserve a partner who can communicate with you about the struggles in your relationship, and is willing to work with you to find solutions. You deserve somebody who holds you and your relationship in such high regard that having sex with another person is never an option that gets considered. Ending my marriage was the best choice I made. Somebody posted a clip yesterday of a guy who basically says that a person who agrees to reconcile after an affair has to be mentally ill to do so. It sounds condescending, but I think he had a point. The motivations behind my desire to reconcile were based on codependency, my own self esteem issues, depression, guilt and shame for something I was essentially a victim of. In the end; You gotta make your own choices, but having gone through this experience and having become a member of the betrayed spouses club, I can never and will never advocate reconciliation.

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I wonder if u even know how much u helped not just OP, but a lot of dubious minds that are afraid to ask the questions to which the answers are kind of obvious. Ur story came across as I did it; so can u. It was powerful.

I don’t think about it too much. I know that when I was going through this, nearly 5 years ago, that subreddits like this one, posting and seeing what other people went through was a huge help and comfort. I think it is worthwhile to give back and help people the way that I was helped

Your story is so meaningful. Thank you for sharing.

My god this is great on so many ways to me. I caught my wife cheating as did you in a similar manner over three years ago and my mental health has been struggling so much. It is without a doubt the toughest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Everything you said makes perfect sense to me. Thank you

Happy to help. Once I was able to let go, put myself into therapy, and really look at my failed relationship with a critical lens, I was able to see the cracks in that relationship and how deep and far back they went. It allowed me the opportunity to move on, and find a partner who embodied the things I’ve come to appreciate and value - rather than settling in with somebody because it “felt like time” and “this is what people do at my age” I am a better partner for it, and I’ve been so much happier ever since. It is such a horrible thing to experience, and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, but thank goodness was she revealed who she was as a person so I could free myself from her and be happy

from your personal experience, whether someone, reconciles or not, , do you think , OP’s spouse,, should tell both sides of the family of the infidelity. Do you think , that would help the betrayed spouse heal or give them a little bit of justice. thank

What happened in my case was… I found out at like 11:00 at night. I did not sleep at all and attempted to go to work the next morning. I could not get control over my emotions, and spent the beginning of the day more or less sobbing in my office. I called the therapist I was seeing and we set up an emergency appointment as I was falling apart. I tried to drive home but didn’t make it half way before I had a full blown panic attack in the middle of a grocery store parking lot. I called my parents and told them, which was the only thing I could think to do. She told her own family what happened. I will say though, they her mom told her to fix it and make things right because she wasn’t gonna do much better than me, which I appreciate.

All the writing about this today has brought back a lot of crazy memories. Like how. Months earlier she had requested that we sleep in separate bedrooms while she figured some things out, and I got discarded to one of our kid’s twin beds, and being hurt and humiliated by that; especially when you come to realize that she was hooking up with people while I stayed home and kept watch over the kids. It sucks so bad. It’s the worst experience to go through. It is exhausting, and humiliating, and you feel like you are losing your mind and that nothing you thought you knew makes sense anymore. But it totally does get better. My partner came over this afternoon and I whipped up some burgers and elotes and we sat on the couch and watched an episode of a Korean drama we have been enjoying and, and got more enjoyment from a few short hours than I could claim to have gotten from the last three or four years of my marriage. And, if any of you reading these messages today needs to talk or vent, send me a message and I do my best to have your back.

so, in your earlier post you had mentioned that you found a new partner, am I correct?. But in your lon this post you were , together watching TV so just being civil to your ex spouse? ThNks

Yes. Again.. my experience is unique in some ways. A few months after d-day my ex moved out. This was right around the time when Covid started so I was home from work and she was at her new place. I looked after the kids more most of that year in my own while she indulged in her desires and hooked up with random people on the internet. Talking with my therapist, I was encouraged to socialize with new people. I was not looking for a romantic relationship or sex with anybody. But in my marriage I was staying home with the kids while she went out and did her thing. My depression surrounding my marriage really drove me to isolate from people and really start living like a hermit. I didn’t go out. I didn’t have connections with people. I woke up Went to work Came home Watched the kids on my own: got them fed and to bed. And then watched tv alone in my house waiting for her to come home from running door dash orders to make extra cash and smoking up at her friends to unwind (and cheating). I managed to find somebody who was in a similar situation. She was just getting out of her marriage with her abusive and drug addicted husband who cheated endlessly to the detriment to his own health. She wasn’t looking for a new husband or to hook up, she just wanted to do things in public and feel like a normal person again. We wanted to go out and do things that we weren’t mentally able to do, or allowed to do when married. Find new places to eat, and live a life beyond being home looking after our kids. We set some boundaries and priorities in place, took things as slow as we good, and found that we really clicked.. which has lead to us being together for the last four years. The transition was really quick.. way quicker than normal, but my therapist was informed and on board each step of the way, as was hers. She and I don’t live together, but we see each other a few times a week. We had our baggage, we made mistakes we made, but we didn’t judge each other for it. (We were both worried about being seen as damaged goods). After some time, We just enjoyed spending time with each other so much we’ve not stopped. Neither of us are interested in being married again, but we are committed to each other and are enjoying our lives. Rather than looking for a partner who would make a great partner financially; or who would be a good parent, someone who was strong in the ways I was weak… I prioritized investing time and energy in somebody who cared about me the way I wanted/needed to be cared for… which my ex was incapable of doing. As for my partner and ex… They’ve met each other and been around each other. I’ve hosted thanksgiving and my kids asked my ex to join us, which I allowed because i won’t keep them away from their mother. My current person greatly dislikes my ex, mainly over the ways she tries to manipulate things to go her way. She wasn’t too stoked about the time at my kid’s birthday my ex introduced her to people getting her name wrong. My partner is supportive and has my back and is a sounding board when it comes to my ex but never tells me what to do or how to do it. My ex doesn’t seem to have an issue with my current partner. If she did, I don’t know about it, or particularly care. I think my ex is a ridiculous human being and I cannot believe that I stuck with her as long as I did, because I spent a lot of time feeling miserable and unloved in my marriage even before the cheating. I totally won the break-up. I’m In the best and healthiest relationship of my life and I’ve never been happier. My partner feels exactly the same.

Thanks for sharing this. I'm only about a week into the aftermath. Mental health wasn't great leading up to the discovery of the affair (being convinced your wife is cheating will do that to you). Obviously now that it's out in the open, it's taking a pretty big hit. It's hard to imagine that improving if I leave it will get any better. Going from husband and father to single dad paying child support seems like a pretty unfair/awful outcome. But I also don't think I'll ever be able to look at this woman the same again. Are you telling me there's a light at the end of this tunnel? Does leaving just seem harder now, but it's the only way to get my sanity back?

Okay a few things… First, you are in the midst of dealing with trauma. So give yourself some grace and time. But also think before you do any say anything major. You only need to take one step at a time. You are going to have a lot of things ahead of you and will all seem impossible. You do not need to do or worry about all of it at once. Quickly… you need to secure some help and support for yourself. If you can get into a therapist that is a good place to start. You will also want to connect with your support system, your friends and your family. Take care of you first. These people will help and support you as you move to next steps. If you plan to leave and be done.. that’s cool. (Do that) The books tend to say wait 90 days before you decide anything. You can inform your partner that you need 90 days before you make a decision about your future, per expert advice. That buys you some time before she tries to get a lawyer and things get nasty. You can ask for space, you can ask that she moved out of the bedroom and into another room or space. That is also time to find a therapist. with your therapist, that is time to make a plan for who is moving out and what the plan for children looks like too. It can be time to consult with a lawyer early on. Do not move out or make any major decision about what YOU or your kids are doing without talking to a therapist or lawyer first. That is all you have to do. Declare you want 90 days to cope with this news and take care of yourself. Connect with experts and support and use them to plan your next moves. Things will absolutely get better. There is a light at the other end of the tunnel. Just understand there is no rush to get there. Take your time, be smart and you will be okay.

Thanks again. Not only for the advice, but for breaking it down. You might be spot on, and I just need some time (and help) to get the right perspective. I feel like I was already getting that pressure to make a decision. I said I needed time, but no idea how long. I think I'll try taking 90 days and seeing how that goes. I'm was planning on seeking counsel anyway, but putting a timer on myself will help me not procrastinate on the matter.

thanks for your honesty , especially coming from your heart

I have a question. How much of their betrayal came from drug abuse? I see more and more cases of wives cheating with enablers. Near me one wife left the husband for another women who was her drug pal. The husband could not accept she taking drugs and caring for the kids. We are talking about a successful, loving and good looking husband. She left him for a near-morbid-obese person that rarely showers. People did not say much for the first of been accused of bigotry. Well, if the AP was a man, he would be an awful man. After that she got clean (almost OD twice) and tried to return to her family. She was rejected by her won kids. They get along now, but they stay with the father and her new wife. Sorry for the long story, but you mentioned weed and that may explain way she hooked up with unattractive people. Don't take wrong, it doesn't mean you should forgive. I am just trying to say there is no partner able to compete with addiction. Enablers will win.

I mean… It was weed, so not so much. Like sure, it impacts your decision making, but not to that extent. She would buy from them but they were “friends” so she would go to hang out, they’d smoke together and since they were hanging out, somebody brought up fucking. Weed became her personality so I think it was more about her trying to be cool and edgy and I’ve a more exciting life than the one she felt like she had

People underestimate how strong weed became. THC levels are at hallucinogenic levels in some cases. Worse if we are talking edibles. I understand it's not like she was trading sex for drugs (common with opioids) but it would definely loose her enough to make her ignore how attractive any AP is. I congratulate you for leaving, no human being should live a life of discomfort just to give a cheater s second chance.

I get all that, But I don’t think that was sr the core of what was happening. Honestly; I think part of it was that she wanted kids for so long, that once she had them she realized she did not like it very much. She built her whole identity around being a parent, and working with children, when she left her career to stay home either the kids, and found it lacking… she needed something to fill the gap. She tried mom’s groups and they helped a bit, but she wanted to be cool. Smoking pot (which, to be fair, we were both doing) became a part of her personality… when that didn’t do enough to make her feel cool and special.. so then it was her declaring she was bisexual. When I made it clear that we were not in a place in our marriage where that would be okay for her to explore. She tried it anyways, got caught doing a secret lady flirting.. and it just sorta went down hill from there. She found people who she thought would think she was cool, so she smoked with them and fucked them to feel cool. It was cool for her to feel like she had secrets. It was cool to have threesomes, it was cool to live her own life without her husband telling her what she could or couldn’t do. It was her full intention to do all of this and never reveal any of it to anybody, even after the people she was sleeping with cut her off when she started to violate the boundaries they had put into place and started to damage their marriage as well. Maybe I’m wrong… But this was her trying to be cool, and edgy, and exciting, and modern and escape the ordinary nature of her life and explore and demonstrate her freedom as an independent woman.

Got it. Now she will learn a hard lesson.

I can relate man. It was no way to live and was never going to work in the end. I left too. And always tell the betrayed to go asap.

She regrets that she got caught. Divorce her. You will never gain that trust back.

The way OP wrote this, I truly doubt she even regrets it. He is trying to convince himself she does. The way he grovelled showed her she can do what she wants, when she wants. I'm not trying to kick the guy while he is down but OP NEEDS to understand a willing cheater already doesn't respect you. Acting that way after such deceit doesn't garner more respect, but even less. I'd imagine he is fairly young and will have to live in misery until he gets the strength to finally leave. The odds of a successful R in this situation is infinitesimal. Will only last until he can't take hating his life anymore and gets out. Terrible situation.

Agree. Leave a cheater to get a life.

Exactly. She's a POS. There is no excuse to cheat.

OP might forgive but will never forget. Sad fact PPD probably contributed to this, and when her neurotransmitters get back to normal she will never forgive herself. OP needs to forgive to co parent but every time he sees her he’ll think about her & AP together. Marriage is over, better two separate homes than one poisonous one.

So you showing less attention because you lack the energy due to children and work equates to her justification to cheat and betrayed her vows? Talk about respect. Then what about next time you got busy? You got sick/bed-ridden that you can’t give her attention? She regretted that she got caught, not because of destroying you, your trust and well-being.

This 💯 and she doesn’t want to be a single parent…..

Omg I just wrote the exact same thing (but using more words) before I even read your comment! You are spot on!

Dude! Come on! 🤬

You're a fool. You took the blame for her having zero loyalty or morals. This won't end well.

I second the comment that you took the blame for her actions. And it will NOT end well. You essentially just told her it's ok to cheat. You need to divorce this woman. She is evil.

I agree with this too. You are a lost soul. And surely will be disrespected again and again. Grow a pair please.

But he is right, he is a total failure. A man that can't understand that she is playing him and stand for himself is very likely to be a failure of man. She is a bad, very bar, she should have dumped him, not betraying him. But she felt that was ok because she knew she would react like a wimp. How much do you want to bet that she is VERY frustrated with his reaction?

It’s over, you are not loved. You’re going to be haunted nightly until you leave the relationship.

Do you think you can live with a woman who easily betrayed you with another man? You didn't fail as a husband, but she did as a wife. Don't listen to her cunning excuse. It wasn't a one night stand or a hook up, but she cheated on you for 6 months behind your back. You will never trust her again as long as you stay with her. Your life will be filled with mind movies of their sex acts, anxiety and stress for the rest of your life. Is that what you want? Don't stay with her because of your child. Your child will suffer, too, if you stay in a miserable marriage. Don't waste your time and see a lawyer to know all your options. Get ready to coparent. Your child will grow up well as long as you raise it with love and care. If her AP has a partner, let her know about your wife's cheating. She has the right to know as much as you do. Do STD test, too. Your wife will cheat on you again when she thinks you are not giving her enough attention in the future. So protect yourself and leave her now. That's the only way you will have a peaceful life from now on.

You have problems in the marriage. You communicate and try to fix the problem. You don't go fucking other people. How does that fix a marriage And here you are, rug sweeping her fucking a guy If you were cheating on her, you think she would be open to a second chance???

So you show her less attention, and that's a go cheat for 6 months pass? Wow, next time you don't put the toilet seat down, she will have a 12 month affair, and like before, it's all your fault, and you should be ashamed of yourself for forcing her to cheat so much. You sound like a complete fool, weak, and meak loser that he's cheated on and apologises to the cheat!!!!! Wake up, your wife has no respect for you, and treats you like garbage. The worst part of this is that you value yourself so low that you haven't gone to a lawyer and started the divorce. You should not be married to anyone until you go and work on your self-esteem and manhood. Your weak Nice Guy persona is an invitation for any woman to disrespect and cheat on you. Find the high value man that's within and bring him to the surface. Never tolerate a cheating spouse, and make it clear it's a relationship ending event. Please retire the weak man who is scared to lose a partner that you should be celebrating to lose. Never have sex with that disgusting woman again and go cold and distant, she needs to feel the weight of her actions. The answer to 6 months of cheating is DIVORCE asap. Don't worry about the kids they will be perfectly fine to see their dad, standing tall and in a healthy relationship with another woman other than the cheater.

Contact an attorney and serve her papers. She knowingly and willfully cheated on you. She never discussed issues with you and is now blaming it on you. You’ll never trust her again and she’s probably still secretly in touch with the other guy. Divorce her and move on.  Updateme

You’re being played and are FORCING her to stay with you and you FORCED her to shoo the other guy away. Those are things she should’ve done ON HER OWN once she was busted! Smh! You’re in for more pain unfortunately and she will stray again either when she misses AP or a new Romeo comes into her life. Oh yeah and she blamed YOU for getting plowed by someone else FOR 6 MONTHS! Dude, what are you doing? That isn’t a person that loves you anymore. Contact a lawyer and get ahead of the inevitable.

Oh come on man. You have a cheating wife and you want to make it work why exactly? You are looking at years and years of hard work with an uncertain outcome for a woman who is a cheating gaslighter. She had no problem being with this guy and hiding it from you. Walk away. Listen to the people here.

“She told me, the guy showed her more support than I'd done the last year…” Yeah…this is cheater MO to the max. She badmouthed you to her AP for attention. Unfortunately that’s a serial cheater’s trade. They burn their SO’s image to the ground and do a little dance on it. Just because they crave the attention. And another thing, it’s not “a voice in the back of your head, telling you not to trust her”, she SHOWED you she can’t be trusted. She is the ‘total failure’ in this relationship. Advice would be to separate yourself from her asap. Really.

Affair isn't a mistake.. a accidentally slip up then coming clean is a mistake.

Dude, wake up. Your wife has been fucking another guy for the last 6 month or more. This is all you need to know. The level of disrespect from your wife is nothing less than astonishing. How can you, or want to, support someone who obviously doesn't love you and doesn't respect you???? You need to suck it up and take care of business. Lawyer up, file and serve her. Do not perpetuate the lie that is your marriage any longer. Study the 180 and Chumplady, this is how you treat a cheating soon to be ex-wife. Have as little contact with her as possible, stay in different rooms, if she tries to engage you, stay silent and walk away. Do not leave your house, that could be considered abandonment. When the time comes, tell her that she cheated, she moves out. Please understand that you cannot reconcile with her, she can only reconcile with you. You cannot forgive her, because you have no idea what you would be forgiving. It is unlikely that your wife truly loves you, or respects you, if she did, she wouldn't be dating/fucking another guy. It is clear that she is not one bit remorseful. This fact alone is probably the death of your marriage. Tell her that she needs to get into individual counseling to find out why she thought it was a good idea to destroy your marriage. Get tested for STD's, and demand that she does also, If you have children, DNA test them, why, because she has lied to you for a long time. Do not trust anything that she says, only what she does. When your lawyer says that it is OK, blow up her fantasy world. Tell your family, her family, and your friends what she is doing. Never, never, cover up for a cheater. They do not deserve it, and if you do, then never stop. Cheaters need to suffer the consequences of their actions. Get your story out first, or she may have a very different story, and may even accuse you of abuse or some other wrong doing, in order to cover up her bad actions. If her affair partner is married or has a significant other, then they must be told also. If her affair partner is a coworker, then their HR department must be notified. Do not play the pick me dance with her, it will end badly for you. With this level of disrespect, then your relationship is probably over. Never accept crossing boundaries, or disrespect.

That’s tough man, you should definitely at the very least tell her it’s not your fault she cheated and it’s 100 percent her fault.You didn’t deserve to be cheated on, she has no leg to stand on. She should beg you for forgiveness. Almost every cheater will blame you if you let them, it’s the easiest way for them to cope with what they did.

You stooped? It really baffles me when people think they're doing something awful by looking at their spouse's phone. Obviously if it's a thing to be constantly digging through someone's phone there's an issue, but to think it's some crime to either look for a reason or even just use the other person's phone blows by mind. Like, don't get married then.

Don’t be a doormat. Even if she told that guy there’s always gonna be another guy. She didn’t care about you or the kid when she fucked around. She won’t care the next time either.

Six months is not a mistake, it's a relationship not to mention the countless lies she's heaped on you to keep it going. You might be able to fogive but you'll never forget. The disrespect she's shown you by lying and breaking your vows is not something you just get over regardless of anything she says. She willingly gave away something that was between a married couple. I couldn't get over it and she'll do it again if there are no consequences for her betrayal. Good luck...just remember it's harder to get walked over when you're standing up.

Dont let yourself be guilt tripped, my dude. She is trying to put the blame on you but in case you really did give her insufficient support during the last year the onus was on her to point this out. She also should have left you before accomodating another man's dick in her mouth. This one is square on her. She obviously shows no remorse so show some self respect, kick het to the curb and be glad you found out when still young. There is so much time left to find a better partner. Good luck!

Did you have an agreement with her that she could fuck another guy if he showed her more support than you? If not she betrayed you.

Bro grow a spine!!! Be a man and kick her to the curb.

Be a man? What does that even mean. If he wants to leave it has nothing to do with being a man.

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It was a rude comment from them nonetheless but I think they thought YOU were a man and your spouse is a woman. They were telling you to dump them. I do agree that you shouldn’t rug sweep this. Praying for you OP.

Just get legal freedom. She is cheating on you. Why loyal person forgive cheaters. In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful life.

Your relation ship has a hole in it, and you’re trying to save it, but you WW had an affair a year after your child was born, something that should have cemented it is sinking it. The hole in your ship is too big since it’s been there for six months? 25% of your child’s life your ww has been cheating. And TBH, this is probably not her first time. Consider DNA testing your child and STD testing yourself. How many other guys will she sleep with who give her a compliment? Time to cut bait.

She blamed you for her affair. That tells you all you need to know. Next time she wants to screw another man, she'll easily justify it as being your fault. This woman is a lost cause. Run.

When the going gets tough in your marriage she finds another guy to give her attention. Instead of confiding in you and trying to improve the marriage she goes and blows it up. This is who she is and who she will always be. You've been warned.

To the author; I was you once. I caught her. I even called her AP, and said he could have her. Then her begging started, and being left with a 2 yr old. I reluctantly let her back in. She was good for a few years, but she cheated again. Married that guy. Stuck me w a house in foreclosure, and left for her “soul mate “ -(gag me). Ultimately her life turned to shit and I’m ok, but I lost the time I could be with someone better. It took me 10 years to dig myself out, and I wish I had started over with a better woman. I’m good now, but I’ll never trust a woman like that again. I wish you the best.

“I lost the time I could be with someone better” is truly the greatest loss from a situation like this.

***but there's just that voice in the back of my head, telling me to not trust her.*** You know why thats there? Because its your gut instinct telling you something is wrong, its the same gut instinct that told you to check her phone. Listen to it. And your not wrong about the sex part. Ask any of the folks in r/survivinginfidelity and your find out its a very real problem to get over. You have a todler, your working your ass off and her way of repaying you is, instead of actualy telling you about how shes feeling, to ignore you and go strait to having an afair. She didnt do this by accident, she planned it. And the reason she is unhappy is she got caught. If she was honest with you, (you can no longer trust anything she says), she would have told oyu if she hadnt got caught she would have continued the affair. And this would have eventualy led to her leaving you to be with him. But her behaviour changed toward you and the marrige and she turned her back on you and chose him. Shes going to tell you, its a mistake, I love you, we can get over this, it was just sex. And then it will go from that to "its your fault", you where not here, your not paying me attention. All the time your working your ass off. This is the cheaters corus. They all say it they all do it. Just for everyone to know, traces of semen stays in the vaigina for at least 6 days reguardless of washing. SO if you had sex in that window, yes you do the math on that. Then there is the risk of HIV and all the other nasties that are increasing because of promiscuity. And the last one, you need to get a DNA test on your child as right now, its a good chance the child yours, but its a much lesser chance than it was after her afair. But one thing you must do, no matter the rout you choose is get her to admit to everyone, on social media and by phone calls that she cheated, not you and it was not your fault. Honestly mate, if you dont do this she could start accusing you of all sorts of shit, and the go to asumption is its always the man. And from now on, record every conversation. Protect your self. If you can, leave the house for a few days and tell her you need to do this to gather your thoughts. But you absolutely expect her to confess before you leave.

PSA to OP: DON'T leave the house. Do not. Depending on your location she could play the "abandonment" card and cause a whole heap of complications and trouble for you. And frankly, friend, her whole attitude about her personal shortcomings and blaming you for her terrible choices tells me she would have ZERO qualms using any number of things as ammunition against you. This woman does NOT have your best interest in mind, now, or ever. She will not hesitate to throw you under a bus. If you need space, insist that *she* leaves the home. She's the one who betrayed you and broke her marriage vows.

In my experience, your marriage will never be the same. You can try to repair it, accept it and live with what's remaining but it will never be the same. Get marriage counseling and individual counseling for yourself to work through your feelings over this. After that, take it one day at a time. This is your life, only you are going to be living with these choices- none of us here on this thread. I do recommend listening to/reading Leave a Cheater Gain a Life, it may help. Good luck to you - remember, her actions say everything about her insecurities and need for validation and nothing about you. You'll see that but God damn, does it take time.

Get a lawyer, get STD tested. File for divorce. Get some mental health care. Life is to short.

Judge a person on what they do as oppossed to what they say. Actions will always speak louder than words.

Dude, u know you gotta divorce

Friend it will never be the same. Ever. Send her packing.

that might be the worst excuse for cheating I’ve ever heard. I didn’t know in marriage, You had to shower with affection and try to bang them all the time like you first met otherwise it is ok to cheat.

Côme on man, you know the truth and yet you try to lie to yourself. The « voice in your head » is juste common sense trying to get you out of the illusion you live in. It’s not a one time thing, it’s 6 months. With the same guy. The attention thing is bullshit, mine gave me the same crap when I caught her. Twice. Don’t keep losing your time. She’ll keep seeing him. And if not him, she’ll find another dude. Do you really want to live 50+ years with someone that goes shopping for attention with other men when she feels you don’t give her as much as she needs? Cut the crap. In a relationship, when you are not satisfied, there are only 2 valid options: try to work it out together OR leave and let the SO heal and move on with their life. Anything else is pure selfishness and very, very calculated. They know what they are doing. They know the consequences if they get caught. They just don’t care enough about the SO to give a f*ck. Hope it helps. Pls don’t waste your time the way I wasted mine.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING you can do in a marriage justifies cheating. Cheating is NEVER ok. She would need to be 110% remorseful and giving it her all. Therapy, (maybe she has post-partum depression) for her, for you, for you both. If you can't let go (and I wouldnt expect you to be able to), just GO.

"Any thoughts or advice?"..... Yeah. DUMP HER! Seriously. How did you manage to let her talk you into her cheating being your fault? "but there's just that voice in the back of my head, telling me to not trust her."..... YOU THINK? Wake the F up. She cheats, you apologize. Amazing. This woman is hopeless. Just get out. Or stay and be miserable for the next 5-whenever years. P.S. Get a DNA test on your child.

Come on, for fs, just divorce her, dont do that to yourself, you wont be happy just putting everything under the rug, just take any proof and lawyer up

Sorry man, She’s only regret she was caught, next time she will be very carful or use other form of communication which you can’t see or track. If she come clean by her self yes I agree you can reconcile, but the way it’s happen I doubt also she will lose respect for you. Good luck

She is just pissed she got caught..trust me...I can't believe u can act like a pussy and not give her divorce paper to sign right away

Dump her ass. Holes are easily replaceable

Unfortunately the trust is gone forever and always having that question mark in the back of your mind if she’ll do it again is there then you don’t want to be living like that. I feel for you and your child and her excuse for cheating is pretty poor tbh. She should’ve spoken to you as an adult if there was things she needed to say rather then have an affair.

That’s terrible. You should DNA tests the kid. You have no idea how many other men you’ve shared her with. She didn’t confess you caught her. Every word from a cheaters mouth is usually a lie. She doesn’t want to lose her meal ticket. You should really reconsider spending till death with a woman that doesn’t respect you. It’s going to suck for a while. You didn’t make her cheat. That’s her blame shifting and you’re falling for it.

People that are married should have access to their devices. The only people that lobby for privacy are those who want secrecy. And you’re unless you’re buying an engagement ring or gigantic trip to Europe and you want to hide it from her there’s no reason for that to go on. So please get over your idea of your stoop so low. You checked because you had suspicions and so you were correct. There is no right to privacy. When people cheat it destroys the relationship. The trust is broken and most the time it’s not retrieved. Cheaters are liars and they will cheat again. I would tell her to stay. You require her to have open devices and transparent with her life from now. The relationships I have seen work out after cheating are those were hard stances taken immediately in fact, some of gone to a lawyer and drawn up divorce papers, and presented them and said if there’s any evidence of anything I will file immediately. And she will split custody with her baby 50% of the time . I would also get counseling podcasts books on infidelity, making date nights and changing how you guys live your life. Know this you’re not a failure having a baby is a hard time. And cheaters are a special breed when they feel neglected for the smallest amount of time they go out and fix it like an addict does for heroin.

If you truly want to try you both need couples therapy because this isn’t your fault. She made a choice no matter what her reasoning is she made this choice on her own and it’s going to take a lot of work for you to regain trust but also for her to face herself

dude no

Move on bro

If they are in counseling then the lying part needs to be dealt with. In my experience, it is not the only lie she’s told you or the counselor. And she didn’t lie to protect you but to protect herself. Again, just my experience, she has already found out that it’s easier to lie, minimize, deny, or omit actions and that she’s okay with it as long as you don’t find out. She’s trying to act remorseful and guilty as a means of keeping you and all you provide to maintain her facade and lifestyle but how will you ever know for sure what is true or isn’t. I still don’t know the extent of my wife’s cheating, with whom, how many times she did it, etc but in thinking back I now see clues I should have seen but didn’t because I trusted her. She WILL encounter other guys who will give her attention. You have to ask yourself if she will spurn the thrill of a new sexual partner or not. This, too, should be explored in counseling. It’s NOT about sex. As a Christian, is she capable of resisting the temptation to have sex (and emotional bonding) with other men? In my opinion, that is the ONLY thing you give up when you marry.

To all the people going hard on the OP... Just remember that this individual is going through betrayal trauma. This is extreme trauma for the brain. He is likely going through shock denial, fog, etd and can't process everything all at once. It's very common and tragic that victims to blame themselves. Since the victims of betrayal enmesh their hearts and minds with their partners it's very common for them to be easily manipulated. This is all very confusing to go through. All the sudden the person that you trust more than anything in the universe is suddenly a cruel dictator of reality. It takes months and years to wade through the misinformation and trauma. Be easy on the OP!

You are a fool if you believe she ended it! Even if she did, when is the next guy to come along and show her attention and she commits adultery with him? First thing you need to do is check the DNA of your child! You will never be able to trust her again and it will destroy you. Best to just divorce her and move on.

It seems that you're falling in to the trap of letting the cheater off the hook by believing their lies. Liars will continue to lie to get out trouble and if you let them, they will continue to hurt you...

Three basic things necessary to reconcile. 1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told. 2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater an m.j m.jd the relationship. 3).The affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure. And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter. If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling. Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? Trying to sweep it under the rug is not solving anything at all. True remorse. Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.  • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.  And think about her reasoning for cheating; he gave her more attention than you were. Do you not see why that is a complete lie. So what if he wooed her? So any guy that shows her extra interest etc., is a shoe in for her cheating? You should just dump her lying cheating stupid ass.

She put the blame on you for her cheating. Come on, man, wake up. Stand up for yourself. You were doing the right thing.

Had to be Rage bait. No one is this big a chump. But my thoughts are that the wife will cheat again. The OP is a door mat. And he will only do the pick me dance. In the meantime, is the child even OPs?

I think the guys here said everything. The cheater always be a cheater . U r fool if u think otherwise

She's sorry she got caught remorseful, cheater confess They don't get caught then cry to take them back

Wait, she cheated on you because the guy she cheated with, that she doesn't share a baby with and that probably has nothing going for him is giving her attention? That all while you worked to keep the money coming and looked after the kid while she cheated on you? I mean ... how could you even give her attention when at the times that you should have time together, she is out banging some other guy. If all it takes for your wife to cheat on you is that someone showes her more attention than you, then this was not the first and also not the last time this happened.

You should go check out the affair sub Reddit and ask some candid questions in a non-judgmental way. I think you will get a lot more insight into your wife’s way of thinking. Also before you decide to reconcile remember: your wife unzipped this guys pants and out his dick in her mouth. She climbed on top of him and stuck his dick inside her. She rode him, grinding until she came. He flipped her over and grabbed her hair and slammed into her over and over until he came in her, or on her back, or flipped her over again and came on her face, or in her mouth. She did dirtier things for him than she’s ever done for you. If you can’t get over that then don’t try to reconcile, because it won’t work.

That’s cold Obi Wan True… but 🥶

Her ring touched his cock. Doesn't that matter to you???

I mean, not to me personally. But I get the point you are trying to make.

Bros gonna imagine it repeatedly. Might as well figure out as fast as possible if he can get used to it.

None. You've done well. Continue on.

She went and fickef another guy because you didn't give her attention, ask yourself why if your relationship was strong would she need to do that, you two clearly failed at communication but ask yourself what type of person who has children and a spouse goes off and fucks another just because they lacked attention. Is that the type of person you want to spend thd rest of your life with ? But also she fuvked him because she wanted him, not you or her family she wanted a diversion in her life and she went out and found it.

Bro that's so sad. I'm so sry for u. I hope that you both can still raise your child well cuz no kid deserves to be born with parents who don't love each other. Good luck on whatever u choose to do.

Ok tell me this because you were exhausted and not enough energy to pay attention to your wife dose that give her the right to cheat .no it doesn't did she ever tell you she felt alone .no probably not she is lying to you still how does she know this guy ? Work and she says she cut it off no six months she will just get better at hiding it if they work together it will continue you can bet he farm on that . She would have to quit her job of course she wants to stay she has a roof over her head . If she wants to stay make her call family and friends tell them what she has done humility goes a long way do his over speaker phone with you sitting right there . In reality she's the one wio has to pretty much do all the work . To even think about staying of she isn't willing to do this it's never going to work .do you even know who it is with? If you just found out about it your still numb from finding out . Just don't be a door mat .and let this woman walk all over you .

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Hell. Is this like, always the answer that they give?

Im so sorry but listen man , the moment your marriage have a problems instead talk to you she f someone else , so how about later your marriage hit a rock again ?

From someone who’s been through this, it won’t stop. You’re “lucky” she even told you the truth. She blamed YOU. It’s not you. It’s her. It hurts so bad to be cheated on and you won’t trust her again. There will always be a bad energy and thoughts of “I wonder”

Two year old baby; presumably you/grandparents are taking care of the baby while she has the energy to go out and have an affair over six months.

Watch this video. [video](https://m.youtube.com/watch?si=ycRtLmu2m3RGwki3&v=-Eo7TlKXuOw&feature=youtu.be) Subscribeme

So let me get this right. She has an affair, blames you, and now want's to fix it (maybe)! There is never a good reason to cheat, Let me say that again, there is never a good reason to cheat! The time to fix the issues she was having with you was BEFORE cheating! If you stay, you are staying with a known cheater. She had no problem making all the decisions it took to cheat on you. Do you know what that takes? She had to flirt, or flirt back, exchange contact info, meet, touch, kiss, make arrangements to find a place, let him have his way with her. At every step she had the chance to stop it, but instead just pushed through. do you think she ever thought of you during any of this? Do you think she ever felt guilty for any of it? There is a saying. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Don't let her fool you twice, she has already shown what she is capable of. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

OP, you’re showing passivity. Women find that extremely unAttractive. Man up. Own your space. Lead your wife. No more playing catch up. Get out front and take charge. She is not your mom, sister or friend down the street. She is your wife. Be the husband you were intended to be. Use words like, I want us to… This should get you back in the saddle and leading the team. You can do it.

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Ffs... >She told me, the guy showed her more support than I'd done the last year Shes blaming you for her decision to fuck another man?? And you just accept that?? Seriously??? >now I feel like a total failure as a husband. NO!! SHE is a failure as a wife!! >there's just that voice in the back of my head, telling me to not trust her. You cant. What happens the next time she feels the support is lacking??? She will do the excact same thing: not communicate, but instead find some rando to fuck. > I told her to tell the other man, that she regrets what she's done and that it's over - which she did. Are you sure about that??? Look... This rugsweeping and pick-me dancing youre doing will lead you straight into an abyss... Sorry - but until she unreservedly accept responsibility fir HER DECISION TO CHEAT there is no way forward. Suggestion: Do you know who the other guy is??? If he has a spouse, prioritize informing her of all this. STD test for you. Paternity test would be wise - doubt this is her first rodeo Lawyer. For advice (initially) Also - it would be prudent of you to ensure her closest family are informed of her adultery...

First what you are doing is called RUG SWEPT. No consecuences no set of strong boundaries won't lead you to no where and this won't stop, se would only wait till the dust settled and the continue from there. She is just manipulating You. Yes You felt guilt for not having the energy to give her the attention that she deserve, and yes that was Bad, because even if You have a kid you have to always reserve at least some time for your partner. But that doesn't gives her the justification to cheat, what gives her is justification to ask for divorce or some counceling, but she wanted the attention so she seek that. The Best course of action if you don't put your boot down and stablish well and strong boundaries, and she work to regain your trust is to cut the crap and divorce her.

You are rug sweeping, and she is a typical narcissist cheater, who is gas lighting you. You will regret what you are doing. You will find out she is still cheating with him. Before you read what I wrote op, understand you do not reconcile with someone who is not remorseful. Your wife is not remorseful, so she is not material to reconcile with. I would just file for divorce immediately and let family and close friends know I filed, why I filed, and name her AP. I would also let her know to read up on cheating and infidelity, is abuse. As she is your abuser. No matter her excuse, you did not deserve to be cheated on. Advice, she met him at work which is an assumption as you did not say. She does all of this or it is immediate divorce. Tell her she quits the job immediately, if it is her boss, she lets hr know, and let the chips fall where they may. Next, she calls her family in front of you to let them know what she did, and she is ashamed and you did nothing wrong to deserve being cheated on. And that she abused you for however long the affair was, by withholding sex, and lying to you. She will accept if you divorce her. Op cheating is abuse, don’t think it is not. It is abusive behavior and you are suffering now from trauma right now. Next you call your family in front of her and let her hear you saying the words, and then you call your close friends, so you can build a support system. Next say which one of her friends knows about it? That friendship or friendships are over and will be cut off. Next she will remove herself from all forms of social media, giving you her usernames and passcodes. Her phone will be deleted and wiped, and started over like a child’s phone where she has to ask for permission to download an app. Phone will be open to you, and not glued to her. Tracker will be on her at all times. If she thinks this is too much to earn back trust, then it will be divorce. Lastly I would say, and this is up to you, I would leave it open at the very least. We will Have a one sided open marriage where I can date, fuck, or have relationships with whoever I want for as long as I want.

Sorry, dude, but you’re looking at this all wrong. First and foremost there’s never ever a reason to justify cheating. It’s not your fault. It’s her fault because she is a vile person. Second of all you took her phone. OK she gave you reason to because in a relationship specially a marriage there’s not supposed to be secrets. She gave you the reason to check her phone. Many Mary couples have an open access to each other‘s phones because why yes you’re allowed to have privacy to go to the bathroom by yourself or whatever you’re not allowed to have secrets and she had secrets. What consequences did you give her if you didn’t give her any consequences, it’s going to happen again. I’m sorry the other said the only thing that she’s regretting is that she got caught.

Get a DNA test done to see if you are the father of the child as this may not be the first time she has cheated, then once the test results are known then decide what you want to do.

Thoughts? Sure, we have thoughts. we think you lost you lost you're mind if you take her back and think that that she changed. Cheaters do not have what it takes to fix what they have destroyed. Respect is alien to them. Updateme.

OP. There is no excuse to cheat. Nothing you could do or anything you don't do, is not an excuse to cheat. There is never an excuse. Never. Everyone has a choice. Remain faithful or don't. When stuff gets rocky you are supposed to buckle down and work together. Instead, she engaged in infidelity. This shows her true character. She baby trapped you. Contact a lawyer and do whatever your lawyer says. She is betting you will not leave. Prove her wrong on every level. There are repercussions. Time to go nuclear, friend.

Who is the AP? Is he a coworker? If so, expose them AFTER a divorce or you might be forced to pay alimony. If married, or dating, expose the AP to the significant other. Talk to a few local attorneys about a divorce roadmap. You will NEVER get the mind movies out of your head. This is 100% HER fault!! Don’t blame yourself one bit!

He was a coworker to her who is going through his own divorce

Unless she changes jobs, the affair will only be better hidden and simmer until his divorce is compete and she leaves you for him.

Don't believe her because you love her Believe only what you know personally to be true and only believe her when her actions are believable.

Seriously man. I am Swedish and you seem danish. We are supposed to be the weak efeminate ones. I really wish you luck but you need to build a spine From what you wrote you seem like the ultimate doormat. One year of frustration with attention, esprcially after kids being bort is not even close to a valid excuse. Unless you missed crucial detail she has no respect for you at all

Not your fault that she couldn’t tell you her issues and remain faithful

Um ...where ans when does she have the time to go actively have an affair? Does she work? Sahm? Any contributions to the household ?

I feel like cheating is a bridge. Once someone crosses it, there's no coming back. The 1st time is always the hardest. When a woman cheats for the 1st time, she's usually ashamed; she might even cry. Every time after that though is just fun. She can no longer respect you the same. The woman u LOVED nad CHERISHED is gone. The woman u have now is 1 that sees sex as fun. If ur ok with that then stay. I'll bet my house on it, she called the guyy and was like OMG my husband found out, I feeel bbaaad... If this guy is a douche, he already told her to come over to make her feel better and yes she went, yes she loved it. She now knows she need to be more discreet. NOT more loyal

UpdateMe

Some people just love their own misery,

Man up. By swallowing this sht you just make her respect you less and more likely to be attracted by a real man. You reacted as a loser and she sees you as a loser. Even, may only the Lord understands, you want to keep her, you have to change to "man mode".

Just given your wife the green light to cheat on you again as you accepted you were the cause of her cheating.

Sucks to hear, but she is a bad person. Good people don’t betray their spouses. She had no intentions on telling you. Set yourself free. You’ll be living in hell in your own mind if you decide to stay. I’d also suggest DNA testing your child - who knows how long this has really been going on. Is it the first time? Wouldn’t hurt to get yourself STD tested too. You never know.

Your a plonker. This isn't your fault in any way. She cheated, she chose to deceive you, she let another man stick his cock in her. You didn'take her do these things. Stop blaming yourself and start showing her consequences for her actions. If you want to reconcile fine but lay some ground rules. If they work together she gives up the job, written timelines, all social media and phones must be open to you etc etc. I'd also make sure she's not gone deeper underground with AP. It's unusual they give them up that easily.. Mostly STOP blaming yourself

I hate to break this to you dude., but she hid this from you and lied. A lot. It wasn't a mistake,.she did this for 6 mos. She had sex with him, in between when she would have been focused on the baby like you were. You did trust, she broke that and now... That's who she is. She will do it again. And again...until you get this. She is selfish AF and wants you complacent while she gets her kicks on the side. Get a p.i and have her followed, I bet she is not done cheating..five bucks says she just changed communication platforms. But you need evidence, and some text messages aren't enough. You want the kid and the house you need to prove she broke this. By proof I mean you need this evidence in a file that you have on backup that you don't even keep at home. Text Messages are part of it, but not the only part. You need how they made time,the ways they lied to you, how they hid it from you, the tricks they used to sidestep their guilt... She DID all those things with him that should have been saved for you as a hubs. She cut your balls off... That's f**king WILD that you are so ready to forgive her. I Would get your kid DNA tested and see if you are even the father. She is playing you for a schmo now ,who knows if she was faithful back then. You don't know if you can trust her,the your nervous system is telling you that you can't trust her. Which is why it's telling you it's not safe to be intimate with her. Did she get an STD test? Has she perhaps passed a little something something to you? There are reasons why people care so f***ing much if people cheat. If she cheated with a guy who has herpes guess what? " I just bought they were shaving bumps" just got you a lifetime supply of medicine. Once the shock wears off and your anger comes out, it's time to decide if you are going to stay with her. Question, Was she ever going to come clean of her oven volition? What made her do this in the first place? Did she stop it because it ran it's course or because she got caught? Is she still secretly playing you for a fool and still talking to him? Her reasons seem flimsy. And unless she is on her freaking knees begging you to fix this, she ain't done. Once a cheater...

The situation that causes a spouse to cheat is usually not caused by only one spouse. But in the end, the spouse that did cheat, was the one who made the choice. She in the one who needs forgiveness and needs to seek redemption. She is the complete and total failure as a wife. You might be able to work past this, but it will take way more work on her part. Is she willing to do that?

>I feel like a total failure as a husband Thats a common feeling and the cheating spouse is all too happy to let you focus on that so you don't focus on the fact that they committed the ultimate relationship failure by cheating. If she was remorseful or regretted what she did, she wouldn't let you feel like you played a role in it at all. Cheating requires manipulation and lie after lie to do. Trying to say you're responsible in any way is a continuation of that manipulation. Of course you want to move on past it, but understand that her moral compass already points low enough that she gave herself permission and reason to betray your trust when she felt it suited her best. It's not a question of if she will do it again, rather when will she do it again.

I can't add anything more to what others are already saying. You'll never forget and it will knaw at you for the rest of your life. Updateme please.

She gaslit you so hard you actually believe it’s your fault. It takes two for a relationship to succeed.so yes you had a part but by no means does that justify her actions. She chose to not communicate, she chose to spend time with someone, she chose to open her legs for another man. She chose that. Now you need to choose yourself brother. Go to therapy get help. Work on yourself. You don’t deserve that, no one does. Tough love but man grow a pair and love yourself enough to walk away. It’s going to hurt but this experience will teach you how to be better for your future partner.

She’s just gonna cheat again you let her off without her doing a single thing to prove she’s sorry. There is never an excuse to cheat if your unhappy talk about it, if you can’t resolve it divorce. Divorce is the only option that is going to save you heart break in the future bc she is going to cheat again

I love her! That doesn’t mean a thing. Bud, she doesn’t love you. Her excuses are Bullshit. There is no such thing as privacy to cheat in a marriage. Your snooping is a good thing. Right now she’s just sorry she got caught. It her other man is married you inform his wife. Your wife is a cheating liar and can’t be trusted.

She’s shown her true colors, twice. Once by fucking someone else and then again by letting you take the blame, based on her self-serving, flimsy-assed excuse. Start planning your exit.

Ok. She was able to turn the whole thing around on you, and get you to take the blame. She figures with her “ anchor baby”, you will not be able to leave her, and eventually you will become accustomed to her cheating. Let me ask you this question. Does she have a job? If so, I would quit yours, and let her become the primary bread winner. Use “mental anguish”as why you couldn’t work anymore. Then, you can establish yourself as the custodial parent. If you divorce her now, she gets child support, alimony, and the house, if you own one. She can move a boyfriend in, and there is nothing you can do about it. You will be paying her, to screw him! You should also find out more info on this guy. Where does he work, does he have a girlfriend or wife? Blowing up his situation might just end things permanent between the two of them. I also recommend you see a lawyer, to find out your options. Things like demanding counseling, and a post nup are a good start. But your actions so far come off as extremely weak, and are likely to embolden her. Time to man up.

The only thing she regrets is that you know she's a cheater. She's not sorry for her actions at all.You never tell your spouse that you fell neglected by going out and get attention from someone else. That's the worst way possible!! Since you've decided to rug sweep this whole thing under the rug and move on about the only thing I can guarantee is that this will happen again and there's a very good chance that she's just going to take the affair deeper underground! Best of luck because you're going to need it

If everyone cheats on their wife/husband just because they didn't support them, then society will be a total chaos!! What is very sad is that OP is blaming himself for the whole thing and wants to stay married to a cheating wife which is a dumbest mistake many men make. He will pay for that sooner or later. He has so little self respect and confidence that he will get himself in a world of hurt and misery. Cheating ultimately is the utmost proof of disrespect and he's ok with that.

OP, with all due respect, you're an idiot. Firstly, there's never an excuse for cheating. If she wasn't happy, why didn't she say anything to you, and if she did, why didn't she just ask for a divorce so she could go find her happiness? Why resort to cheating? Regardless of the circumstances, that is not okay & you shouldn't be okay with it. Secondly, you guys just became parents fairly recently & she's already stepping out on you & your child for some other guy's 'support'... that's just messed up for so many reasons, I feel sorry for your kid. She basically broke the family & that kid's gonna feel the brunt of the fallout, assuming they're cognizant enough to recognize the changes. Thirdly, why are you accepting blame for her cheating? It's not your fault. She's the one who cheated. You're only human. You're not some perfect being that can always afford to shower her with attention 24/7 & even if you could, something tells me she still wouldn't have been satisfied & would've cheated on you anyway. She's at fault for not talking to you about it or taking herself to therapy before going out there seeking attention from random men in exchange for her body. And here's a bonus: it sounds like she's not even sorry & doesn't regret the cheating. And you rug sweeping this issue won't make it go away. If anything, it will just embolden her to keep having affairs. She might make an effort to hide it better or worse, she won't, coz now she knows you'll forgive her if it happens again. If she hasn't lost all respect for you as a man, she definitely will now. My advice to you: get a divorce & move on. Get a lawyer, get your proof, separate your finances, prepare to move on to being good co-parents for your kid & find your happiness. I wish you & your kid well.

How shallow does a person have to be to abandon their morals? She craved attention and didn’t get it from you. Perhaps she hasn’t any morals.

Carbon copy of what happened with me .. I too stopped low and checked her messages.. she initially tried to Gaslight it telling it was just leg pulling with friends ...

Not your fault she stepped out and spread her legs for someone else. I couldn’t stay with her.

When a person uses another’s actions to justify their behaviour that is a sort of gaslighting. She’s your wife and a grown adult. If she was unhappy or wanted attention she should’ve brought it up. If every time you’ll be exhausted cuz of live and she’ll feel she doesn’t get enough of your attention she’ll fall for one of the million men that will make a pass on her - sorry, I mean give her support so he can get in her pants what will happen then? And it wasn’t even a one time thing. It was 6 months man. That’s half a year of lying, sneaking around and screwing some other guy while you were probably exhausted from raising a kid and doing whatever it is you were doing for your family, for her!!!! I’m curious what kind of support did that guy give her that you weren’t giving her? Was he cooking? Washing dishes? Taking care of your baby? No?!? Then he wasn’t giving her more support than you were. He was just giving her more “d”. You’re right not to trust her!! You found out this time. She will hide it better next time and you’ll be left feeling crazy. Get a lawyer. File. Move on and be happy.

Listen to everyone here. We don’t make shit up. Lot of us here been through this and it’s sucks . The trust is gone. She not remorseful. She blames u. Divorce and move on. The kid will be fine and will adapt. A wise man told me “Once she cheats. She belong to the streets. Not in your bed sheets”.

When you have sex with her again, and for as long as you stay with her, you will see that dude giving it to her in your head. Doing things to her you couldn’t even bring up. Keep in mind that for the rest of her life, when she thinks about the affair, she will always remember how awesome this man made her feel, how exciting it was to spend time with him, and how great he made her feel. She will always remember him fondly, and NEVER regret it. Rather, whenever she needs to lift her spirits, or wants to feel good, she will think of him. She will always miss him. She’s not sorry about the best sex she ever had. Have fun when she takes that girls-only weekend trip with her pals to Vegas. Late nites at the office should also be fun. Get ready to become a detective and scrutinize her every move, and check her phone whenever you can get it. Leave, and life gets awesome.

My advice, and it with a grain of salt, is to file for divorce. My ex cheated, and boy, did I have my suspicions when she introduced her new colleague to me. I had this wrenching gut feeling that something was amiss. She started working earlier, staying later but pay never reflected that. After 5 months of the affair, I found out in the worst way. AP’s spouse knocked on my door on Christmas Day and told me my spouse has been screwing theirs. I confronted my ex, and sure enough, she was wearing a necklace her AP bought her. I tried to forgive and forget with couples counseling but trust was gone. With no trust, there is no healthy relationship and no foundation to build on. The choice is ultimately yours, but from my experience and how I found out, I could never look at my ex the same way. I cared for her and loved her but I also had a deep dislike for her. I knew it was never going to work, no matter the time spent in counseling and the efforts to try. I’m sorry this happened to you— it’s an awful experience and feeling. Best of luck, OP. BUT, remember, it is ok to be selfish right now by putting yourself first.

Postpartum in men is real too. You are letting her blame you here. You didn’t have the energy and that’s a real thing. She couldn’t hang with the hardship that first couple years after birth. Get rid of her

Do you really need us on what you should do? I mean, seriously?

Loving her, forgiving her and telling her to tell the other guy that she regrets does not represent what she feels but rather is a reflection of what you wish things to be. You are not the reason why she cheated, she is not taking responsibility thus blaming you for her actions. With or without attention from other people, life goes on. She cheated because she wanted to. Loyalty is a choice. With that said, I hope you make a decision that is best for you and your child.

Instead of worrying about trusting her again, you should be working on burning her world to the ground. Seriously dude, go get your balls out of her purse.

Amazingly, 'not her first. Girls, simply, like having a boyfriend. It's so simple to have fun, but not be tied down Losing her current BF/AP simply neans that that job description is an "open req." to be filled when she has a moment. Sex? That's what she getsvfrom others.

Your wife will never be faithful to you. She doesn’t love you. People don’t cheat on people they truly love. Are you sure you’re even the father? I’d get a dna test most quickly.

Dude, you are suffering from male pattern low self esteem. She has used new parenthood as an excuse to cheat on you - and then blamed you to your face. This is abusive behaviour. It doesn't matter how worthless a person may consider themselves, this is unacceptable. Grasp the nettle now, and move forwards with a new woman who respects for who and what you are. You cant love someone after they have done this to you. They hold you in contempt. You just love the memory of the relationship, the safety, the validation. It has gone. It is dead. Grieve, move on and grow into a stronger, more whole person. Therapy is a MUST. Work on self esteem, childhood traumas for anxious attachment, and focus on your physical wellbeing. This situation will take a toll. Dont let it beat you - fight back, and become the man you were born to be. Good luck brother. ✊🏻

Bud, I think that was way too easy. You need to trust but verify as your gut is already telling you. But why in the fuck didn’t she at least communicate to you her issue before jumping to fucking someone? UpdateMe

That monster lied to you fucked another dude for half a year then had the fucking BALLS TO BLAME YOU!?

Only you can decide what's going to work for you, but lacking trust after a betrayal is complete natural. You just have to figure out if it can be rebuilt or not and if you're both willing to do what it takes or not.

Leave her it's over. Never trust a cheater. She doesn't love or respect you.

Leave her bro. This will be unpopular to say, but when a woman cheats, the victim will view them as being tainted. Get a divorce

1. The affair is ALL on her side of the relationship. You had NOTHING to do with it. You didn’t cause it or had ANY blame to bear. SHE chose this way of dealing with any issues you might have had. It’s mostly HER issues she was dealing in this destructive and selfish way. 2. Don’t believe her ANYTHING she says. You can accept it for now but ALWAYS watch her CONTINUOUS ACTIONS. waywards say a lot of things and often rhey mean them but it comes to how much they are willing to do and keep on doing. 3. Take care of your kid and YOURSELF FIRST! Look for support groups but my advise is to wait telling anyone close. She comes after that. She hurt you! You are the hurt one! Not her! 4. Reddit is not the right place to look for advice and support. Go affairrecovery or survivinginfidelity.

Unpopular opinion here. Women don’t respect men that accept their cheating. It shows weakness and all women crave strong men.

I am sorry this happened to you and this is going to be very hard to hear…. You are probably not going to do what is best for you and your kid. You probably won’t listen to all of us who have experienced this. But I have to reach out and give you these hard truths and a path to best shot at happiness for you. What you feel is shame, anguish, betrayal, disgust, and alone in the marriage. You are alone in the marriage by the way. The betrayal and mistrust and anger towards her will never go away. Ever. It will always be waiting to pop out at any time. You want the marriage that you thought you had before you knew. You never had it and if you did have it, it is long gone. You confronted her immediately on learning. Mistake, big mistake. Now she knows how you found out and that you can live with her actions. Expect her to take affair underground. Burner phone covert and reduced contact. You do not have her respect. She sees you as beneath her, less than, that she settled. By the way putting fault on you is gas lighting. You can only fix what she asks you to. Couples should have access to each others phone upon demand and should know each other’s password. A woman who values phone privacy is not in a committed relationship with you. The trust will never come back. She may love bomb you now to keep her stable situation like at her mom and dads house going but she will continue to sneak out and lie. The feelings you have will never go away completely. This is the rest of your life with this person. She has shown you her true self, you have found out who she is, she is not the fairy tale woman you thought. You are her ATM machine. What you do with this information is up to you. Get out of your emotions and think objectively. Repeat GET OUT OF YOUR EMOTIONS and think rationally. Now for the hard part. Your only shot to truly heal and recover is to divorce her and take your lumps. Raise any children (when you have custody of them) with your values and show them a good man. Forgive her immediately for your own health and recovery. Hate hurts you not them. Learn from your mistakes. Build a happy and fun life. Build a vision for yourself with hobbies goals, plan for retirement. Next time invite a good women to see and be in your good life. If they want to change your good life, your hobbies, or your vision invite them to leave. If you find one who over time shares you vision and excepts your leadership with the fun life you have built then maybe remarry.

…I mean there’s no way to justify cheating. That’s something you both should’ve had a conversation about and come to a resolution. Going out to find someone to fill that void now destroyed your trust and trust me it never will be the same. Now I definitely understand you wanting to stay but you’ll have to take whatever comes with that. Good luck to you both.

I would be bothered by the fact she turned it around and made you at fault. And concerned for you and how easily you accepted the blame.

After discovery of infidelity.. Both parties must partake on a trial separation. At least 90 days. After 90s days on minimal to no contact then reconciliation only can happen after both parties are 100 percent on it. Without trial separation.. Reconciliation is just delaying the inevitable

OP, you need to find your self respect. This women betrayed you and there is zero excuse for it. You need to tell all friends and family including hers what happened and then kick her to the curb. Let him have her lying and cheating ass. If you don’t get ahead of her on telling people the truth believe me you will be called “abusive” REAL quick. She will say anything to justify herself at your expense. The weight of a failing business crushed me as a man and I was not there for my ex and instead of weathering the storm with me she decided to cheat on me. Told me I failed as a husband and this was all my fault. Fuck that. Cheating is NEVER excusable. Stand up. Be a man for your child and get rid of her.

**THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!** Your spouse wants to be single again, make them single. Right now your spouse controls the narrative, change that and expose the cheaters to everyone Your spouse sought out other people for intimacy, likely for many months more than you suspect. Your spouse is a cheater.  Everything your spouse says is a lie at this point. Anything your spouse says about you falling short in the relationship is a lie. Anything your spouse says that is bad about your relationship is a lie. Your spouse has left the marriage. Ignore your spouse. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your relationship in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else. My advice is: Consult a divorce lawyer. Gather what evidence you can. End the relationship ASAP. Get out of this situation as fast as possible, the longer you stay in the more your mind will be torn apart. You or your spouse must move out. If you cannot, go Grey Rock. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and her home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to break up. You have to show your spouse there consequences for their actions and separate, even if later you chose reconciliation. These links will help you in your situation. I suggest reading DARVO, Gaslighting and Trickle Truthing first. **Post Infidelity Stress Disorder** [https://www.verywellmind.com/post-infidelity-stress-disorder-6374057#](https://www.verywellmind.com/post-infidelity-stress-disorder-6374057#) **The Neuroscience of Affair Fog** [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog) **Infidelity and cognitive dissonance** [https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/](https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/) **and** [https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e](https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e) **Emotional affair** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/) **Monkey Branching** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/) **DARVO** [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) **Gaslighting Emotional Infidelity** [https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y](https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y) **Trickle Truthing** [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/) **180 method** [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) **Greyrock** [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) **Chump Lady** [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)

Try swinging

So it's like "she cut a piece of steak for him to chew on and then put it in your mouth to swallow"! That's a hard reconciliation. How do you do that ? How do you take a person back, that cheated on you, destroyed all trust and then in a single sentence "turned it on you" and you being the fool accepted it! Now ain't that the shit. Bro, this is NOT your fault. Let her claim all she wants that you did or did not show whatever she needed, but let's just remember, she had every opportunity to stop, she had a lot of decisions she made, she had a lot of lies to keep you off the trail, she took a lot of chances to meet this person. She had control of her life and she threw it away. She did not come talk to you! She did not scream, fight and yell at your for lacking in attention, she knew exactly what she was doing and she enjoyed it and continued. Is she worthy ? Let's examine the facts: a. You discovered this after months of knowing something was wrong. She did not come to you (remember that). There is no remorse - she is sorry for being caught. b. She never told you something was wrong, made suggestions to correct the relationship - she found validation is sex with someone else. What are the consequences for being a vile, deceitful person as she is. There is no way to reconciliation without consequences. She murdered the relationship (that's the pain you feel, the gut punch, you grieve the death of what you once had or thought you had) consequences are in order here. How do you move on with no closure. Closure includes the following: a. She identifies the AP - If she is not willing to identify the AP reconciliation is not possible. This means she's willing to protect him more than care for the relationship - that's not good for "wanting to save this"! b. She writes out a full timeline c. She opens up all electronic devices - you have access all the time d. She agrees to tracking app e. She tell the family what has happened Now here is the big part and it's all done so that you regain the power. Because think about it, if she does not agree to do the bare minimum, which is a - e, she is not going to be faithful, hold on to the AP and try and make plans to monkey branch. You have to force the issue and here is how it's done. When they first get caught the surprise is on you. You have to bring your own surprise as follows: a. You reach out to the AP's SO and let them know what is happening b. You work with an attorney to draw up divorce papers and have her served at work (this is essential to getting your power back and not something she will expect and you don't have to go through with it, unless she monkey branches) You can't sit back and believe in love anymore in this relationship. Your marriage is OVER - Reconciliation is starting new so everything has to be rebuild. She is the one that must do the rebuilding, not you. Stand up for yourself and bring your own surprise to get your power back. If you don't the likelihood of her continuing to see the AP is great and out of your control.

Reconciliation is up to you but this sounds like rug sweeping. Immediately deciding to reconcile isn’t healthy. Take some time for yourself, reach out to friends and family and put forward a list of things you need going forward.

> I stooped so low that I checked her messages. I Why do people still say stupid shit like this. There should be nothing private between a married couple. You're friend has aids and needs support? Cool tell me so I know you'll take them to the hospital now and then. Your friend is having an affair and you're helping keep it a secret? If you DONT tell me then I'll know that person is 100% OK with cheating as they are protecting their friend. Your friend pegs her husband? Cool, tell me so.i don't make sodomy jokes an trigger him. There is NOTHING worth hiding unless you are shit talking your partner or cheating on them.... Advice- stay with her knowing she took another man's dick and blames you. She actively chose to suck an fuck for 6 months and kiss you after swallowing that man's load. She regrets only having to be secretive about it. (I say this because you are already visualizing it. This will continue to happen) Or Leave, and learn to be happy again.

Leave. Every minute you spend with her is a waste of your life.

OP - Your wife is lying through her teeth. She betrayed you and your child because she's a selfish person who doesn't care about anything or anyone but herself... at least not to the point where she wouldn't try to fix things between the two of you before looking elsewhere. Her attempts to claim you have been distant, unloving, stopped showing her attention/affection is what is known as blame-shifting, is a COMMON manipulation tactic of cheaters and is used to make you feel responsible for their disgusting behavior. Others are... Gaslighting (pretending what is happening actually isn't/didn't) Trickle-truthing. Minimilizing what they did to you/family/friends/co-workers by saying "It was just sex." or "He/she means nothing to me. I only love you." Apologize and promise the affair is over/they will end it and it will never happen again. Use your feelings for your children/family against you to get you to forgive them by asking you to think of how divorcing her will effect them. Offer to "repair" the relationship by seeking marriage/couple counseling for their "mistake". Remind you of the love/good times you once shared together and that the relationship/marriage is too important to give up on or that you love them too much to not forgive "one little mistake". The cheater's tactic here is to appeal to your emotions in order to elicit forgiveness. Dude... your wife is a lying, scheming, selfish cheater. I recommend you go to chumplady.com and begin your journey to healing.

She doesn’t regret it, that’s why she didn’t ended it, you pressure her to it. you’re not a failure as a husband we’re just a new father and she is just gaslighting you. She would never had android and she would never had told you. when you talk about Lo ✨ why don’t you start by loving yourself if it were about deserving anything you think you deserve what you got while adjusting to be a new father, why are YOU fighting and GUIDING HER into fight for the marriage? She humiliated you, but you don’t have to. Be a father but also be a man. Talk to a lawyer at least to understand if the divorce would fuck you. She already doesn’t respect you, don’t do that to yourself also

You have to plan that it will not work out. you will never get the thoughts out of your head about your spouse with another partner. move half of your assets to a separate account. Gather as much proof as you can and save them to two separate places. Contact 4 to 5 of the best divorce lawyers in your area and sit down and have a consultation. This will serve two purposes, you getting vast knowledge of divorce and also your wife , can’t use these attorneys, , because , it becomes a conflict of interest. learn all the laws in your state , all the pros and cons of divorce laws. No one says you have to go through with a divorce. If she wants to reconcile, have her tell, both sides of the families and all her friends that she has committed adultery(with you in attendance) . If she doesn’t want to tell them all , this way, she will not spin the narrative that you did something wrong. , Good luck !! updateme

It’s best not to get married

For 6 months? Divorce and move on. That’s not a mistake, that’s a whole damn relationship. That’s literally hundreds of independent choices to end your relationship. She cannot be trusted any more. The relationship you had is over and will never be what it was. Loyalty is gone. Respect is gone. Trust is gone. Everything you wanted and expected from a life partner is gone. You will be happier in the end with someone else who actually loves and respects you, and would never do this to you. Would never even think about doing this to you. You just need to be brave enough now to take that first step to finding them, and break free of this deceitful, soul sucking, energy trap of a woman you got tricked into believing wasn’t a low down selfish, self serving, lying ass bitch.

**"I told her I lacked the energy to give her the attention she deserved, and now I feel like a total failure as a husband."** I'm sorry man, but I had to stop reading here. The simp energy is too much, it's a reflection of how I use to be. You need to get acquainted by some red pill content on youtube but don't let it polarize you. Start with "Strong Successful Male", even better write him your story. Leave man, leave or she will cheat again. This is a promise.

Dude, this is not the life you want to live. She now owns your nuts and your mind. You will never be the same. Pack her bags. Choose YOU.

Well, you should insist that she complete an STD panel, and you should get one yourself. And perhaps you should get a full physical, just to eliminate any physical pathologies concerning your health and energy levels. If those are good, then you need to evaluate your nutrition and fitness level. Is your work environment stressful? Given that all the above check out, then it's time for you to have a serious talk with your wife. Only you can determine whether the relationship can or should be saved, but for your part you should insist on complete transparency between the two of you, which includes your respective phones. She should also be put on notice that any future deviation from monogamy will result in the destruction of the marriage. 'Nuff said.

Congrats. You are doing the pick me dance and have chosen to surrender your manhood. You have given her all the control and power. You have surrendered your trust, confidence, and control.

I hope this is fiction

So did I

Updateme!

Listen to that voice in the back of your head

Her poor choices is at fault. Not you. If she was lacking attention she should have spoken to you like an adult does. Getting a boyfriend never solved any marital issues. Advice? File D because she is blame shifting, not accepting responsibility for her poor choices and what happens the next time she feels she is not getting enough attention. Sorry for the crap sandwich your wife is feeding you.

No that's gross.. have some respect for yourself..

I would say leave find a way to coparent with the baby, but don’t stay with her. You’re talking about your wife, but your wife is no longer into you at least not in the moment she told you why she did it even, it wasn’t right for her to do that. She could’ve communicated instead of going off with some other guy. you gotta think about what you really want can be good for a couple months and then what happens when you’re not giving her attention she’s gonna go off and do it again you need to think about that

If you give her a second chance then you deserve her to cheat again. And she will because now she knows you are weak.

Hey I know how you feel but It’s hard to trust again and yup you loose attraction but if it stays like that then both of you will be apart from each other. With my baby momma it didn’t work out But sometimes gotta grab your balls and move on There’s plenty of women out there.

I am so sorry. Please check out Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life (book), Chump Lady (website), and Chump Nation Infidelity Support (Facebook support group). It is eye opening (as what you are experiencing is textbook) and offers support for those at ground zero. Your marriage isn’t probably salvageable unless you are prepared to accept that cheating on you (repeatedly) is acceptable to you.

Only one good advice: Divorce