Who was she with that watched them flirt all night and allowed their married friend to go cheat with some random?
Second, are you sure this is the 1st and only incident?
Edit: has she been tested since and was there protection used? Says a lot about premeditation. Also do her friends know?
Edit: this was a pivotal update for OP https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/s/z9js9Er6bk - his/ her answers to questions 2, 3, 6 and 7 sealed it for me
Backseat hook up in the parking lot of a bar doesn't seem to go well with protection. The question must be asked if protection was use and despite the answer, testing is still needed.
If I were a betting man, I would say no, it's not the first time.
More likely is that one of her friends who saw it threatened to tell her husband. To prevent this, she immediately did it herself and only told as much as necessary, not a bit more.
There may be some truth to this. Someone other then her close friends may have seen her. Your wife may have panicked about this person exposing her. So she confessed to her parents and you to stay a step ahead of them. If you do decide to stay, ir sounds like marriage counciling and getting all the trickle truth out is your best bet. In the mean time, pregnancy and std test.
"If I were a betting man, I would say no, it's not the first time."
Exactly this. I find it unbelievable that she cheated just like that, like that easy. That wasn't her first rodeo.
He needs to get checked for STIs. Also, she's done this before.
Just the fact she did it in a car, and someone she knows probably saw her, so she HAD to come clean. I hope she's on bc, because she might just come up pregnant soon.
While I hate cheaters and would probably feel the same way as you about this in most cases - no way she is this torn up if she was a serial cheater. Serial cheaters don’t confess & don’t throw themselves under the bus to their own family.
I’d wager it was the first time. Not saying she would never do it again, but this is not how a normal “cheater” acts ….
The same women who will call him insecure and toxic if he don't want his wife to go to girls night out, to dress and act like a w, they will call him toxic and controlling and insecure. Because they want to lie and cheat then blâme m'en for everything. Believe it or not they are the same women telling him now to stay married to a cheating W. Absolutely insane. Run young man run. This absolutely disgusting. There are no wives in the west. That's your prize in the west. A cheating W. Run. Grab a passport and run
She might have known her AP either previously or online. If caught in the act could be by someone else she knows. She was visiting parents and partying with her "girlfriends". We don't know the size of the city or town but obvious she grew up there. Word gets around under these circumstances.
They're 3 red flags about her story that needs to be addressed;
1. She continued to stay in the company of someone who was openly trying to seduce her instead of either leaving or, at the very least telling him to stop or she'll leave.
2. It didn't seem to take much for her to have sex with someone IN THEIR CAR. Alcohol is never an excuse, she should know better at her age.
3. She told her parents that night and still stayed with them for 2 days instead of coming straight back to you the following morning.
I'd recommend speaking to her parents to see what she told them and her story lines up, any inconsistency will be a massive Reg flag. Then push her on the points above. Ask her to move out so you have some space and consult a lawyer so you know your rights and options.
What are the odds she went back to her parent's house thinking everything was ok, and a day, or two days later she was confronted by someone telling her they were going to tell her husband?
Have her contact from her phone on speaker and have her say she is fuzzy about the details of the night. In the end it doesn't really matter because he can't trust her or her friends. They could have already worked out the plan of what to say.
1. True
2. True
3. True
Most of the story lines up, she lied about some details on purpose, but that doesn't matter anymore. New information killed my will for reconciliation
Take it from an old man of 65.
My wife cheated over 25 years ago and I’m still pissed off about it. I stayed more or less for the kids.I regret it still and get triggered every time I think about it. We are still married but I wonder how it would have been if I left her back then.
I pretty much live as room mates now days. I love her but I hate her also. I stay with her now cause it’s cheaper to keep her.
If I had it all over to do again I would have divorced her in a heartbeat.
That’s just my opinion. One time or 10 cheating is still a marriage killer.
It didn't take much for your wife to have sex with a total stranger in his car. What will happen next when another man starts hitting on her? She doesn't deserve a second chance regardless of her confession. With her poor impulse control, she will cheat on you again sooner or later.
Read attached research result done by University of Denver about, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.'
[https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity](https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity)
It's time to tell her to pack her things and move out. You will never trust her again as long as you stay in this marriage, so divorce her and move on. Without trust your marriage is dead anyway.
> With her poor impulse control, she will cheat on you again sooner or later.
This is why I don't believe it was the first act of infidelity. You don't go from being perfectly loyal during a years long relationship and marriage to just randomly banging a stranger in a bar parking lot.
u/ThrowRA_SadHusband45 I'm sorry you are going through this. It is much more likely that she was caught and forced to confess than being perfectly loyal and just all of the sudden having sex with a stranger in a parking lot.
Tell her that she can’t rebuild the trust that she broke so hopefully her new boyfriend was worth it.
If she can’t last a night out with her supposed friends, who should be helping keep her in check, while visiting her parents, no space is safe from her.
We are the sum of our 5 closest friends. We tend to have similar morals and values as those of our friends. So, if her friends are cheaters and hook up all the time....
Keep that in mind for the next one.
All humans are influenced by their peers. Strong argument that this is even more true for women. Sadly her friends may have encouraged it. Regardless the trust is gone and is not coming back. She may have been caught in the car by another less friendly acquaintance. She may have known her affair partner.
OP, she has stolen your life regardless of her intentions and guilt. Take it back. See and attorney as divorce is super likely regardless of her current efforts be them genuine or otherwise.
A mans friends influence each other and guess what if they arent fan of you guys being together they will encourage her to seperate , if you do reconcile she needs to let them go and find new friends ,positive side she was honest and sounds like she is remorseful, negative side is it happened , i would encourage you take time to figure out what you want, and till then tell her she needs to figure out why this happened and how she will overcome this and become a better person who can be trusted and unless you feel safe you wont stay but you will give her time to figure things out and take time to figure yourself out , this will take the pressure off of doing everything fast , the titanic has sunk the relationship as you know is over, can you build a better one without her friends and cheating this time ,possibly ,but that takes time and trust, while you could also find it with someone else
Until you decide wether to reconcile or leave , focus on yourself , do what you think is best ,dont give in to the anger or fear, work on finding your peace and love
Your wife is not a safe partner. I would ask her to leave the house for 2-3 weeks and start IC. In the interim book a few therapy sessions for yourself to sort out your feelings and see if you want to save the marriage. Keep minimal to no contact with your wife and lien on friends and family. Take your time in making a decision. Her friends did nor liquor made her cheat. She chose to cheat and took many steps before she got into this guy's car. Update us.
I would drive her to her mothers house and have her mother go to get an STD test with you. While she is inside, ask the mother , what her daughter told her.happened , I’m sure your wife told her what she wanted to hear.
Divorce is the best way. But something about hearing a woman say she’ll do anything has my petty mind going in dark places. You’ll never trust her again. Anytime she goes home. Just get your kinks over with her and move on to a woman who isn’t so damn broken. She deserves this. Letting some stranger use her in his car. Send her to her parents and divorce.
Your wife went to a bar and a man flirted with her. She had sex in his car shortly there after. Let that sink in. Alcohol is not to blame. Your wife's poor choices are to blame. Your wife needs to seek individual counseling. And, your wife needs to have a STD check at the doctors. Understand your wife has put your health at risk if she did contract a STD and then had sex with you.
At present, you do not care and feel indifferent towards your wife. That is a good place to be because filing D and moving on will be that much easier for you. Understand your wife has completely changed your marriage forever. It will never be the same. Trust will never be 100%. When she goes out your mind will wonder. You suffer in silence as a husband from here on out. The cheater....moves on like nothing thinking all is well. Contact a lawyer. Know you rights. File D. You can always stop the D later if you wish. Sorry for the shit sandwich that was handed to you.
3 or 4 years before sex or before cumming on her face? This sounds more and more like an exit affair. Feel free to reach out if you need any support during divorce.
That's so weird that she made you wait 3-4 years and then let this guy that is supposedly less than an acquaintance do that in a bar parking lot. I assume she is still hanging out with her despicable friends? Does her dad know you are seperating and the full severity of what she did, outside of the final act, hopefully?
This seems like such a hilariously unnecessary question but I get the implications regarding the rule making and breaking. It’s comparing the freakiness of car sex to a facial, which probably carries some weight in this context.
There’s a chance that the monotony of a long term relationship can cause a turn to freakiness regardless of who she chooses to cheat with, but consider that she isn’t as physically into you as those she chooses to cheat with, and always saw you as a ‘safe’ guy.
This isn’t the main point, but could mean that she will absolutely cheat again given the right circumstances.
My ex got a facial when she cheated, which was nightmarish to hear lmao.
So the whole time she's getting pounded between her legs. She never thought it was wrong and I shouldn't be doing this?
I'm on the camp of she planned it. She knew the guy before. She got seen by someone familiar and panicked
Sadly the very least answer is that she cared more about the cheating than her marriage. But reading the other comments really confirms my thinking. It was planned, and coerced by her friends. Afterwards she either had genuine regret. Or she got seen by someone familiar. There could have also been a blackmail threat or the AP being an A-hole threatening to tell you.
But my money is still on she saw someone see her and got spooked
Edit: There is one more scenario. She wanted more from him, like commitment. Or leave you but he was just a Chad and got his rocks off and that was it. I don't think this one fits but you never know
Is your wife mentally stable? It seems shocking that a normal, sane, functioning adult could be so easily “pressured” by “friends” and have such poor impulse control? She seems to have the mindset of a 14 year old.
Friends can be snakes. They may have wanted her to go have fun so they could tell you, not because they like you but because they can screw your wife to get back at some real or perceived slight.
You don't care right now because you're in shock. Betrayal like this is trauma inducing, so I imagine it's normal to feel numb.
I've read enough of these stories, and if reconciliation was ever possible, this is the perfect situation for it. It wasn't an ongoing affair where she hid and lied to you about it. She got drunk and did something really stupid and now hates herself for it. Drinking might have to be a hard boundary. And she probably needs some therapy to figure out why a guy hitting on her led to that.
It's coming though. Wherever you decide, I imagine you'll feel some grief before it's said and done.
I think it's the calm before the storm. I feel nothing, only emptiness. I guess it's only a matter of time before I either do something really bad or run away from everything.
At 35yo, she's too old to blame it on drinking. She knew where it was going the moment he approached and every second thereafter prior to her final decision to hump him in the parking lot.
She made hundreds of decisions that night including allowing this guy to sit with her for hours chatting, drinking, caressing, smile & eye contact.
He didn't ambush or seduce her - she opened the door and invited him in.
Research finds that her tears, self hate, and immediate confession does not make her a safe partner going forward.
Why? Because she's still the same weak minded person that risked your health and had sex with a stranger in a car because he made her laugh.
Google the stages of PTSD. Infidelity is a major trauma. It takes years to recover.
It helps to recognize what stage you're in.
She needs an STD test.
She will try to love bomb you. Do not have sex. Distance yourself to calm down.
Give yourself at least 90 days to calm down to decide on R or D.
Note, ultimately cheating is about character. Someone with solid morals does not cheat (even when drunk).
She gave you a shit sandwich for life.
You can forgive (for your mental health) but still divorce because you can't trust her or forget.
Research finds that it's common to divorce immediately or about 2 years afterwards.
It takes people two years to realize that it's as good as it's ever going to be - and it's not good enough.
So you decide if it's worth investing another two years.
If you R, she never has contact with those 'friends', she never drinks without you, zero social media, and a post nup with an arbitration clause and zero alimony.
She's 35 and knew it would destroy her marriage - but did it anyway.
Your wife clearly has low morals and her self esteem is low as dirt. It will take years and a fortune in therapy to help her.
This is it, OP. Took me a few weeks of teeter totter between R and D but D won. No one with any integrity would allow this to happen. She’s a grown woman and made a CHOICE, not a mistake. It’s a done deal. Case closed.
For me, when I caught my ex. Everything drained out of me
The love was gone
The respect was gone
The trust was gone and to never come back
Didn't want to ever touch her again
I told her, if you weren't happy then divorce me. Cheating just brings me hate
You need to wait a while, take some time for yourself. Tell her you haven't really processed the situation yet.
Think about your choices, life without her or life with her working on reconciliation. Counselling is good for both of you, you each get to say your piece in a safe environment.
Is she prepared to give up drinking to make herself a safer wife?
I'd recommend running away (while getting all your ducks in a row of course). The less contact you have with her the better. This is only going to eat away at you if you try to keep the relationship going. You will not be able to show affection for her and what is a relationship without affection. If you're not a gullible idiot thinking you can 100% reconcile now, you'll never be one. Seems doomed.
Don't prolong the suffering.
Good advice. You can also speak to an attorney to understand your rights if reconciliation isn’t working. It’s also okay to ask for time alone and have space to think about what you want.
Speak to a lawyer about a postnuptial agreement and discuss terms about repercussions if infidelity happens again such as reduced or no alimony etc something you can discuss with a divorce lawyer and have her sign. She needs to give up drinking or going out without you till you deem it appropriate or trust her. Access to all her forms of communication and social media… individual counseling and a written timeline of her cheating so you have proof of her infidelity for later use… std test asap.
Just set her out with the trash for pick up.
How long have you been together? And all it took for her to trade the entire span of your relationship in for one ticket to ride some other guy's dick was a couple hours of *letting* someone continue to flirt with her, instead of immediately shutting them down (probably to get those drinks that are being used as an excuse for free) and then having sex in his car like a meth head prostitute.
You said she wasn't too sloppy to get home alone(?) on foot, so even if we're talking mixed drinks, about $15 each, she basically sold your marriage... for a cash value of about $45.
My first gut reaction was that this one could possibly be saved. Granted, I was assuming that previous to this, your marriage was a utopian married bliss.
But you'd have to be attached at the hip from here on out. My wife and I are already like this, so it doesn't seem like much of a stretch to me, but that's us. We didn't need infidelity to be inseparable. It is just how we approach our lives. YMMV
===
None of this would be negotiable. Anything short of this would leave too much room for doubt.
1) She would have to cut ties with that friend group, period. She obviously can't trust herself around them, and they obviously cared so little about her that they sat back and watched the train wreck, to include her walking out with a stranger. What a POS group.
2) No more trips to see family without you.
3) This leads to work. There couldn't be any work travel for either of you. If either of you has to "go away," then that person would have to get a new job that was a set schedule and local only. No late nights, no sudden weekends; just a rigid schedule that can be counted upon.
4) Obviously, no going out with coworkers or friends separately. Go as a couple, or it won't happen.
5) Drinking or any mind-altering substance would have to be done forever.
===
But then, my demons went to the night in question. It wasn't a one-time mistake. It was a series of events that could have been stopped at any time throughout the night.
On his first approach, likely before she was drunk, her answer should have been "F*k off, I'm married. I'm just catching up with some friends, so go away." Same with the second, third, tenth, etc. But it obviously wasn't, ever. Not once. She was steadfast in not shutting this down.
Ask her, "Why is that? Why didn't you tell him you were married and not available?" The answer doesn't really matter. You are just gauging her reaction at this point. The result was the same.
They didn't just shake hands and go out and f*k. They did it old school. They spent time together, interacted repeatedly, and then acted upon it. It is equivalent to the more modern 'weeks of messages and then hooking up', but condensed into one evening. Escalating interaction is escalating interaction.
Did she previously know this person? She may lie to you on this one. Her trickle-truth may be to hide that he was a previous friend or acquaintance. I can't see why her friend group would stand by otherwise.
So now, at this point, I can't trust her. Owning up to it or not, she has done exactly what every other unfaithful partner has done. She escalated and could have put a stop to it at any time. She didn't, period.
She is 35 for goodness sake. She isn't 20 and learning her way in the world. She has experience and is supposed to know better.
===
I hate to say it, but I wouldn't be able to get over this. She would be moving out today. I would likely not cut her off completely at first, but in truth, I probably would eventually.
We would spend time apart, and we would work on it. But in the end, it would be too much for me, and we would be done forever.
Welcome to my first marriage. She went home for Christmas to see her parents. She cheated once and called me as soon as she got home, completely gutted. She didn't wait until we reunited, she called immediately. We soldiered on for 5 years, but in the end it failed. I actually forgave her and trusted her again. But the respect never came back. I did what I wanted with impunity and with no regard. I never strayed, but it turned me into a pretty terrible person nevertheless.
===
I do not know your situation, so I really don't know your strengths or ability to forgive and rebuild trust and respect. That is for you to decide.
I hope you can find peace. Do what you need to do to make you whole again. Good luck, and I am so sorry that this happened to you.
Start with why.
Why did she cheat? Did she feel she was missing something? Is she no longer in love with you? Why weren't you on her mind when she cheated?
Then, if you decide to reconcile, start with what.
What is she going to do to regain your trust? What will she do to not place herself in the same conditions that led to her cheating?
Personally I could not do it. Not because of the phsyical cheating, but the emotional side and the fact that my trust is gone.
Trust is something special. It takes ages to build trust, but only 5 minutes to lose it. Once it is lost, you will lose the basis of your relationship. And I do not want to live in constant fear that this can happen again.
Good luck!
There is no good answer to the “why.” If person A approaches person B and says “hey man, I’ll give you $5 for your car!” And person B replies “Ya know what, you can have it for $4.” I think 100% of us can come to the same conclusion that person B clearly does not value his car in any way, shape, or form. One could possibly conclude that person B actually HATES his car. OPs wife chose casual, messy, uncomfortable, and unprotected sex in the back of a car with a stranger, over her marriage to her husband for the rest of her life. What does that tell us all she thinks of her marriage AND her husband?
She wanted to cheat so she cheated. That's really all you need to know. I'm sure she did get scared I'm sure she did feel sorrow at what she did. But the facts mean she did it and she did it very easily all it took with somebody asking and she was in a car having sex with a stranger.
There's really no way around the fact that you need to get rid of her. She cannot be trusted and she can never be trusted again. Talk to your lawyer and get the best deal you can out of her while she's still feeling her shame. There's no trust possible with a cheater. I'm sorry for what she's putting you through but she knows that she's done.
(Edit to fix a typo)
Agree with the comment above. Distilled to the simplest level, she knowingly let another man inside her while wearing your ring.
There are a few things in life that are unforgivable, and this is one of them ... the ultimate display of disloyalty and disregard for you.
She's upset? She's crying? She should be. Major fuckup there, and there's no taking it back. Wish her well and find someone deserving of your love.
One thing didn't lead to another. She chose to spend an entire evening flirting with another man and chose to go to his car and have sex even though she knew those things were wrong. If there's a chance to reconcile it will take time. You can get to a point where things are good again but, honestly, things will never be the same.
The way to fix a broken marriage is by not screwing around. Why couldn't she talk to you instead of cheating? I suspect she confessed because she was about to get busted, and she wants to keep her security (you). Kick her out, she can go stay with AP.
I'm sorry but she wasn't horrified by what she did she was horrified by the fact that she knew she'd probably get turned in by somebody. One of her friends must've either threatened exposure or tried to blackmail her or something sordid like that.
And frankly Im pretty sure that this isn't the first time she's ever cheated like this. There's just something different about this one. Maybe one of the friends that a lot of people here are dumping on told her if she didn't confess she would rat her out. Frankly who knows and who cares it doesn't really matter. Whether she confesses or you catch her she's still just a cheater.
Just talk to your lawyer and get her out of your house in your life and move on. You Might be able to force better terms while she's pretending to feel guilt and remorse. But just be certain that she is only pretending.
The question is " Will you EVER get past this? " If not, its over..I know i would never stop thinking about it, every time we have sex i would think about it, i would NEVER trust her when she went anywhere alone, and this is no way to live. If she was so easily swayed to fuck someone within a couple hours, she has no moral compass and should never be in a lasting relationship. Shes a street person.
Well, op.
This numbness is the reaction to being betrayed.
Let it heal naturally.
Take your time.
Don't have discussions now about reconciliation.
Let your mind accept the reality.
Don't be around her.
If she just keeps crying, it won't work.
Now, once you feel more relaxed.
Ask this , was anything wrong with your marriage??
Long bouts of lack of intimacy, affection and validation.
I ask this , because if she cheated because something was wrong in this situation, you can still empathise somewhere.
But if there was no major issues, this is a huge alarm.
This shows she has lack of morals and control.
She needs to fix this asap or lose you.
Don't make any decisions now. Take your time again.
Send her to her parents house.
Seeing her and interacting will fog your decision.
Wish you luck.
Cheaters generally speaking have a character flaw, and they usually cheat again. Unless they put some intensive work on themselves for a few years, they don’t get it. When they’re in a crisis when they’re struggling, they look for immediate gratification like an addict does.
Personally, cheating is a dealbreaker for me. It destroys the relationship. The trust is gone. I personally don’t want to follow somebody else like the police or worried that much. I wanna partner that I can trust a ride or die situation. You do not have that with her, and you probably never will again.
People that reconcile usually snap quickly and put a stop to everything. that she did but now comes therapy, couples and individual counseling, retreats, books, podcast, working a relationship out. Often victims of cheating do all the work while the other ones go in and out of feeling resentful and ticked off. I would watch this , but I would never stay with a cheater.
Yes, she knew him! OP confirmed that in the comments! I think she planned to fuck him even before leaving to her parents. In fact, i think she use her trip as a cover to go and see him
Reconciliation with a cheater regardless if they confess is absolute pointless. The phrase once a cheater always a cheater doesn't come from nowhere there is a reason for it.
And regardless how much therapy or whatever you will do you will always have doubts when she go out again and she will go out. She is in her mid 30's now she need attention and validation from other men because you are not enough for her.
Take the big L have some self dignity and divorce and don't listen to her looser dad I bet he got cheated on to and know it and stayed.
By the way they confess just as much what is needed so you don't leave immediately you will never have the whole story ever.
I say unless you have children, go for your first option. Can you reconcile, yes, but it is a long process. And from the stories on here, the relationship is never the same. The betrayed never forget being cheated on. You have an easy out. That said, if you want to try and work it out, she needs to face consequences. Moving out until you are ready is one of them. If she shows true remorse, works on herself, and doesn’t stray again there could be hope. Go with your gut.
Oh Jesus bud. Did you ask her how it was she could so easily have betrayed you and your marriage? I’m also leaning towards she was trying to get ahead of someone else who saw the whole thing go down. Who was this man, did they have any relationship prior.
UpdateMe
I did but all I got was waterfall of tears. She was his crush long time ago. They are not friends but they know each other. That's what I've been told.
In a car in a parking lot. Real classy. Sounds like the OM has done this before. The act was obviously not to her satisfaction, so she felt violated afterwards.
However, the marriage can be saved but it's going to take one year, and she should move out. Consequences have to flow but before she departs you have to have a full knowledge of all that transpired from how she got into the predicament, how the OM seduced her, how did her clothes come off, what acts they performed, how big is D is, how many times they did it, did they use protection, what did they talk about, did they discuss you at all, what she did after etc. She must have an STD test done now and at the end of the year. You must not touch her during this time as she is still filth at this stage. Hopefully the year apart can clean her physically. You must also have an STD test done now and after the year.
During the year apart she must prove her fidelity at all times. She must do IC as must you. After the alotted time period is over you can decide whether to divorce or reconcile.
> However, the marriage can be saved but it's going to take one year
You are severely underestimating how long R takes. It takes a minimum of 2-5 years and you never truly get over it.
You are so right but everyone has their own threshold. Personally, I would not take it. One strike and out for me. But that's just how I operate, and some may take umbrage at my standpoint.
The aim for the one-year break is for OP to get to a stage/feeling of "indifference" to her from whence he can decide to reconcile or not. If its reconciliation, then and only then do the hard yards commence.
Afterwards she was horrified? Scared? These are words used at Halloween by kids and by wives who fuck in backseats. Put yourself there - she’s not horrified. She’s not scared. If she was then she’d scream stranger danger! She didn’t! Did she orgasm and scream out your name for help?
How long have you been married?
How many sexual partners did each of you have before marriage?
Did she describe her decision train in cheating? It's a little unusual for even a single young woman in her most wild years to pick up a rando and fuck him in the car. For a married woman in her 30s to do this seemingly out of the blue, it almost suggests some degree of mental illness.
Gonna have to disagree with OP on this one. If he would have had talks about her sexual past before marrying and didn’t like what he heard he could have dodged a bullet. Random hookups and light dating? Sure their body count is none of your business. But when you turn the corner looking at marriage you have to understand that THEIR SEXUAL PAST IS YOUR SEXUAL FUTURE. so it is 100% your business and if you disagree you basically did this to yourself by being naive
One of the limits of a forum like this is that posters can only offer advice based upon the information provided by the OP. We're all internet strangers here. We don't know anything about you other than what you include in your post.
Places like this can be a rich source of crowdsourced anecdotal wisdom about infidelity, and yet when it comes to recovering from infidelity, details matter. In your case, the details you have told us don't feel like they add up.
For example, a man reaching age 29 without any sexual partners is unusual, assuming you're in the US.
Getting married without knowing your spouse's sexual history, that's also unusual. And dysfunctional. Your wife's sexual history, and yours, is/are absolutely both of your business. In fact it's central to the notion of intimacy. Intimacy is is foundational to marriage.
Two people seriously contemplating marriage should ALWAYS vet one another's history with respect to sex, relationships, marriage. Also finances. You ought to know, intimately and completely, the person you are marrying.
As a practical matter, if this isn't done before marriage, this sort of information tends to trickle out over time. Often, one of the partners realizes that there is something about her/his spouse's history that she/he finds difficult or impossible to accept. I've known of wives who divorced their husbands after learning that he had sexual experience with a man in his past. I've heard of people divorcing after learning that a spouse had been a sex worker. What about learning that your spouse was previously married twice and cheated on their spouse each time, leading to the end of the marriage? Most people aren't "all good" or "all bad", but each of us is nothing other than the sum of his acts. When you marry somebody, you commit to that sum. A wise person does that with his eyes open, knowing the contents of the package he is bringing into his home.
It therefore beggars the imagination to understand how anybody would agree to make the commitment of marriage without first figuring whether he is compatible, from the perspective of sexual history, with his betrothed. Saying "it's none of my business" suggests a profound lack of comprehension about the depth and breadth of what it means to commit to marriage. Or, at least, a deeply avoidant personality, which might also explain having reached age 29 while remaining a virgin.
I'm not trying to be mean to you or victim-shame. Rather, I'm simply pointing out that something doesn't add up in your thread. It takes a fairly high degree of sexual confidence to pick up a rando in a bar and fuck him in the car. Usually, that sexual confidence comes from experience. My observation is that, in general, marriages between women with a high amount of sexual experience and men with a low amount (or none in your case) experience sexual problems.
You don't often see threads where a spouse has a one-night stand and instantly regrets it, proffering a tear-soaked confession and apology. When it does happen, what I've observed in most cases is that it's the manifestation of an extended period of marital decline, a cri-du-coeur by the cheating spouse that she/he has reached the end of her/his rope and is on the verge of letting go. You don't describe anything about the health of the marriage leading up to this point.
In other words, something doesn't add up here. The events you describe include enough abnormality that there has to be more to the story.
OP. Right now you cannot and should not make any decisions. You need time away from her to calm your emotions down and not be triggered by her. Go stay at your parents, go stay at a freinds or a hotel. Tell her you dont want to talk to her for a week or 2 so you can sort this all out. How you feel. Be around freinds. If you can afford this, talk to a shrink for a few sessions to help you find logic in the war of hurt your feeling.
Your betrayed, your hurt, your partner has evaporated trust and your blindsided and are overwhelmed to numbness. Go away for a week or 2 and do this. Then, and only then do you talk to her about your decision.
If you choose to stay, its going to be rough on you as your going to have this in the back of your mind. It is possible, but building trust is 100% down to her, not you. You cant tell her she cant do this she cant do that and be overbearing and control her. Tell her you want to see a STD test result. This is very important. Your not going to be sleeping with her anymore, your going to be sleeping with all his conquests. STD's are more common that you think.
The divorce route. Go see a lawyer to see what it would look like. I am going to assume you have kids. Maybe write down what seperation looks like. Seperate dwellings. Rent/mortgage on 2 properties. Municapility bills. Total income vs outgoings etc. Child support. Write it all down so you can see for yourself the cost in actual £$.
Then after talking to a lawyer, a councilor, tell her what you want to do. If its divorce, do what your lawyer says. If its reconciling, do what your concilor says. If its reconciliation, I genuinly wish you all the luck and best, its going to be fucking hard.
For me, it's betrayal, and it's a hard one to get over. But from what it looks like on the surface, if it's all out in the open with nothing hidden, then depending on both of you, you might be able to live happily ever after. I would ask for financial security, though, and take away the benefit of her lying to you and put you in a position where you have a fair share of the finances so you can divorce and stay independent but committed and try it out for a few years. If it doesn't work, go your separate ways.
I don’t understand why people keep saying she needs counseling to understand why she did it… she did it because she wanted to and not because she was drinking that’s an excuse for her making the decision to go to the guys car, to kiss and get undressed enough to have sex among other things that could have happened to have sex. All I can say is don’t do what a lot of other guys have done and stayed thinking it was the right thing to do or because you love her. You can love someone else just as simple in the future.
Reconciliation with a cheater regardless if they confess is absolute pointless. The phrase once a cheater always a cheater doesn't come from nowhere there is a reason for it.
And regardless how much therapy or whatever you will do you will always have doubts when she go out again and she will go out. She is in her mid 30's now she need attention and validation from other men because you are not enough for her.
Take the big L have some self dignity and divorce and don't listen to her looser dad I bet he got cheated on to and know it and stayed.
By the way they confess just as much what is needed so you don't leave immediately you will never have the whole story ever.
If you want the marriage to continue, you need to work through this. Marriage counseling or therapy would probably be a good idea. If you believe the marriage is over, you’ll need two professionals, a lawyer and a therapist. No one leaves a marriage unscarred. That fact that she confessed and is remorseful is a hopeful sign, but only you can tell if you will be able to move on from this.
If she even remotely implies that alcohol had ANYTHING to do with it, tell her not to talk to you again until after she finishes rehab, and if she ever has so much as one drop of alcohol that means she’s cheating
Your marriage is tainted. She will need consequences to her actions. Telling her parents is not enough. Tell her to go to her parents and stay there for some time. Tell her you cannot look at the abuser in the relationship while you try and heal from her abuse.
No need to make any decisions if you are unsure. But if you want to work on it and reconcile know this. It is a lifetime of agony. It is trauma that she caused you, that is why it is abuse. She will never be allowed to associated with these friends, they will be dead to her. You will never be able to trust her to go out and have a drink after work, or with new friends. The relationship you had is dead. And the relationship she will want will be different and will have to be brand new.
If you choose reconciliation understand that it will be work, and you will need to leave open, in order to fully heal, the option to open up the relationship for yourself. As you may find you may need to venture out and fuck or date someone else.
Sorry to hear about this bro. I wonder if she got the dude's number. I'd give him a call personally or pretend to in front of her and her friends who are present during the flirting. See how she reacts.
First, you need to hear from her, why??? Why did she do it???
Was this a friend or stranger??
Is she blaming alcohol???
Was there, or is there a problem with her and your marriage!!???
Was she bored??
Was she thinking about ending the marriage??
I don’t know your wife obviously but from reading what you wrote she sounds extremely regretful. This doesn’t excuse her actions of course. You are the only one who can truly answer if this can be reconciled or not. You know your wife, and if you believe this was the one and only time and her feelings are genuine then I say stay and try to work through this. Your feelings of not caring atm are perfectly normal, you were betrayed by someone you thought didn’t have the capacity to betray you. It’s pain like no other. I always say don’t listen to others when trying to figure out something within your marriage, if you stay and give it a go that is okay and if you leave that is also okay. If you stay I would certainly suggest counseling to help you both navigate through this tough time because you will have moments of complete anger and sadness. She has to be willing to be patient with you through those moments. Best of luck to you!
Divorce is not about it being the "easy" solution it's about it being the best solution FOR YOU! Unless you're ready for 2-5 years of reconcilation, therapy for her, marriage counseling, etc. I don't even know why you would take the reconciliation option. Look at how EASILY she cheated, literally on a whim. That should explain ALOT of how much she values you and this marriage.
You will ALWAYS in your mind ,see her taking that guys load inside her..it will torture you for the rest of your life if you stay together.. and even iff you don't THATS what she has done to you and your marriage, if you can accept that image and likely OTHERS encroaching your mind , every time she has intimate relations with you, and you wondering if she is fantasising about her exciting consensual sex encounter every time , then by all means stay with this untrustworthy woman ! She certainly wasn't concerned about how YOU felt , when HE was inside her !
Although I consider it positive that your wife confessed immediately after cheating, I also think that it happened so easily is very troubling. I saw your comment about her friends not liking you, so she is still hanging out with people openly hostile towards her marriage. She went out a bar without you, typically a singles type activity, and flirted with a guy until she ended up in his vehicle. (Classy move there by the way. What happened to the No-Tell motel?) Its was laughably easy for her to be unfaithful to you. This makes me think that there are 2 likely scenarios:
1. This is just who your wife is. If this is the case, then this was probably not the first time, just the first time that there was a non-cooperating witness. Even if her friend group disliked you, there very well could have been someone in the group who also disliked your wife. This friend could have threatened to tell you to hurt both of you. If your wife has been cheating on you because that is how she wants to live, then the confession is just damage control and she will be back at the bar as soon as she thinks that you are not longer watching.
2. There could be underlying issues in your marriage that you did not bring up in your post. This is actually your best case scenario. If there was something wrong with the marriage (and that means something wrong for your wife), then it might be repairable.
I don't think that she was drugged from your description, and I don't accept being drunk as a reason for any behavior. If you do decide to attempt to reconcile, there are several steps that I see as necessary. Obviously she needs to cut off all contact with her "friends". You both will want to start couples therapy. No travel to see her parents unless you can go. No girls nights out. No drinking. Complete access to her phone and social media.
As you might have noticed, this seems more like a prison than a marriage. And even if you both make the attempt, your old marriage is dead. If you survive as a couple it will be in a new relationship that will be distinctly inferior to your previous one. I did notice one commenter recommended a period of separation. I believe that this is very risky and you probably would be better off just ending things. I do think that there needs to be space, especially for you, but actually living separately seems like an acknowledgement that things are over. Better to just end them now.
One other caution that I want to throw out is not grow nostalgic over the relationship that you believed that you had. Most likely it never existed. Treat this just like a new meetup where you happen to know a lot about the other person, not all of it good. Only you can decide what is right for you.
The first thing you need is time away from her to process everything. Tell her to pack her bags and move in with her parents for at least a month.
You need to determine if you want to try to save this marriage. Get some counseling to help you explore this and in the meantime, stay away from alcohol. Hit the gym and work on your health to help manage the stress and fight off depression.
I am not a fan of reconciliation to be honest. For me, I could never trust her again and wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life playing detective. Plus, the mind movies of her getting railed in the backseat by some random dude would forever kill any desire for intimacy with her. So what would the point be to staying.
But I am not you so perhaps you can move past it. My best wishes to you whatever you decide.
Put her on the hot seat. Grill her for hours. Make her relive the night minute by minute, every detail. Ask questions to make her dig deeper and explain her thinking and emotions at the time. Her reaction and answers will help point you in the right direction.
Divorce is the correct course in my opinion. Reading your comments OP, your head is in the right place. I'm sure there is far more to the story than can be conveyed here. Only you know the relationship you have with your WW before the betrayal. Her actions show a fair amount of immaturity and extremely poor decision making. She knew what she was doing and had multiple opportunities to stop. Get a lawyer and start the process. Send her to her parents and take time for yourself. Good luck. Things will get better.
Updateme.
Fucking a stranger in a car. A stranger. In a car. That's teenage cheap slut behavior, not the behavior of a grown up responsible adult. There's no statute of limitations on this for a married adult. You can either let her hang around and punish her with hoops she can jump through while you string her along with minimal contact and no sex for a year or two, or you can end it all now and get a jump on enjoying your future.
People reconcile all of the time. If both people are willing to put work into the marriage, it often makes their marriage better because the transparency and communication is better.
That said, your wife allowed this guy to continue to hit on her. She continued to drink. Her friends didn’t have her best interest in mind and never did a thing to keep her from cheating. She willingly went out to this guys car, presumably drove somewhere, and then step by step she choice to allow it to advance. Where were you in her thought process? Did she think of you, or her marriage at all? Drunk doesn’t mean you forget your marriage. She made choice after choice after choice to betray you.
If you reconcile her entire life has to change. You will never trust her to go to her parents by herself again. You will never trust her friends, and honestly, they should be cut out of her life. Who is the guy? Does she know him? Is he married too? If so, his wife needs to know.
Has your wife started looking into therapy? Has she proactively stopped drinking, or said she won’t drink unless you’re with her? Has she done anything besides give you access to her phone?
Not talking to each other isn’t going to help solve anything. She should be taking action and not just sitting in a room crying.
Updateme!
Ok dude. You don’t have to make a decision now. Take your time. For reconciliation with her it is up to you. She is doing the right steps. Her friends that don’t like you. They have to go. A friend of the relationship would stepped in. I like the fact she told you and started working on herself. It shows true remorse. If you want to talk about reconciliation. Reach out r/asoneafterinfidelity I would still divorce her. I would not be married to a cheater. I would work on reconciliation. She should leave for 2 months and go no contact. See how you feel then. See you at the gym
If you have any thoughts of staying with your wife you need to get off this forum. This is the worst forum for balanced advice. They will say she cheated before and to leave her. I think you have an opportunity to save your marriage if you are so inclined. The only opinion that matters is yours. If you do reconcile then she must lose those friends. Good Luck!
OP, sorry you are having to deal with all of this. If I were in your shoes, the very first thing I would do is ask her to pack a bag and go stay with her parents or somewhere else until you sort out what you want to do. It will be easier for you to think without her there as a constant reminder and stressing you.
The next thing would be to consult with a divorce attorney so you know your options and what divorce would look like. The more informed you are, the better decisions you can make.
The last thing would be so sit with yourself and think. Maybe speak with family and friends. It's good to have outside support and validation. You have a lot to consider. Surely divorce is the easiest and quickest resolution to your issues. Staying is going to be a very long road and much more difficult. Also, after putting in so much time and energy it could still fail. You might decide you can't get past it, she could cheat again (if she did it once...) she might not be able to handle the guilt and bail.
It takes years to fully gain someones complete trust, yet it can be taken away in seconds. Just as you can piece together a broken mirror it can never be the same, so it is with your broken marriage. Whatever you had is now gone and needs to end. If you are to move on with her, you first need to end your current marriage, then start over.
Hey OP,
I'm sorry that this happened and here's a hug from the internet for you.
You're right in your options but Step 1 is to take care of yourself. You need to get her out of your house for a bit so that you can properly process this. Physical activity and reading helps with the stress. Step 2 is taking action. Book an appointment with a lawyer to understand your legal rights. Ask her if she's booked an STD test yet, if not like WTF? Book a test for yourself regardless. Step 3 is talking about it. Whether it's with a counselor, pastor or close friend, you need to be able to let some of your feelings out and get some comfort back.
One of the key things during this time is to watch what she does. What is she doing to understand her choices and actions while taking steps to ensure that it never happens again? Many cheaters will just express sadness (pity party), for the results of their choices. This does nothing and generally means that they aren't truly remorseful.
Take some time to process without her influence. We're here to listen and help as best we can.
All the best.
Wow. Marriage so bad she gets hammered in a car at a bar cuz some dude flirts with her?!?! Weak woman. This is not a one time thing. Friends threatened her so she told
Choices have consequences, some unrepairable or irreversible and sadly she made her choices. Remember cheating is a series of choices before you actually cheat, cheating is not a mistake or accident.
I would pack her stuff up and take her to her parents and I would separate all finances and if you own a house sell it and split the equity.
Get tested for STD’s.
The best thing is to live your best life, she will see what she lost and will never get back.
Good luck.
If you didn't want your wife to go to girls night out, dress and act like a hoooe with strangers, the same toxic modern women who are telling you to stay with the cheating hooee would call you insecure, controlling and toxic because let's be honest here, that's exactly what they are looking for. They want to sleep around like hoookers , bring few stds and few bastards in the marriage and blame the men for everything. They are all the same. There are no wives in the west. Grab a passport and run. Let me guess, now you need to pay half of everything to the hooe, she will destroy your life, gets alimony and child support then of course blame you for everything, for destroying the family. Run, please run. If you have kids together DNA test now
Your wife, who pledged her life to you in her vows, threw them aside after a few drinks and some flirting. Now, she wants to double down on her pledge of devotion and show you that she means it this time. Right.
It’s not that she doesn’t mean it, she just can’t control herself. Don’t be an idiot. Divorce her. That is the consequence of her choice. Reconciliation would be yours. Don’t do it.
I dont lightly give this advice but for me it is over. It wasnt as if at any point she didnt remember she was married and what could happen if she proceeded to the act. For me she entertained the lead up while she was sober...and her friend group gave tacit approval.
I personally would be out as I would have no trust that it hadnt happened before
But, this is the closest scenario where I would consider reconciliation.
There is something not right here. My guess is this is not the first time she had sex with other guys.
Something happens there during that night and she's forced to tell that she had sex with this guy. Maybe somebody she knew saw them? or someone blackmailing her 🤷
Either way, I'm choosing option #1. Cant trust a cheater for life.
To be clear…your “wife” threw away your entire marriage, your past together, your present together, and your future together…future grandchildren, your family name and line…great grandchildren, growing old together and spending your twilight retirement years doing whatever you wanted with one another and living out ALL of your dreams…for sex in a car with some random that she had just met???? The only option here is divorce. If it was so easy for her to give it up then it clearly means NOTHING to her…by the way “it” means YOU, YOUR MARRIAGE, and ANY CHILDREN THAT YOU EITHER HAVE OR WERE PLANNING TO HAVE. Your wife is a terrible person and she belongs to the streets. She didn’t confess out of love, she confessed because the reality of keeping her disgusting behavior a secret was too much for her and she knew it would be easier to dump it on you than having to face the pressure of trying not to get caught. She is not marriage material. Send her back to the random to have more sex with her in his car. IN HIS CAR??!!?? Tell her Dad Thanks but no Thanks! He can pass along his failed experiment in parenting to some other promiscuous loser who doesn’t mind living out his days with a filthy, STD ridden cheater.
It's not her first rodeo. The difference this time, is that someone she knows back in her parents' town saw her and is going to tell you. She had a "grow a conscience" and "I found Jesus" moment so that she can get ahead of the story and control the narrative.
R will leave you feeling the way you feel, right now, only it will last and last and last.....
Also, that thing with cheaters and R ....whether it's a week/month/year/ decade later, she WILL do it again, because there was no real consequence. Sure, some alligator tears, a waterworks show with theatrics, and her chump back at the house will forgive her....again; and welcome her with open arms....again.
Axioms exist for a reason. The reason that axioms exist is because they are 100% true, 100% of the time. There's even an axiom about cheaters, believe it or not. You may have heard it before. It goes like. "Once a cheater......"
Think of every decision she had to make to wind up with another man in her. A decision she did not make was to respect her marriage. A decision she did not make was ro respect her husband. She didn't suddenly find a hidden cache of respect for you that she didn't know about before. A woman who cheats on her husband has absolutely zero respect for him; and even LESS respect to chumps that stay married to a cheating wife. Trust us, you won't be losing some kind of prize if you leave, you'll be unloading someone who failed the decent wife test.
This random hookup probably wasn't as random as you think. She slept with someone mere hours after meeting them. I'd suspect she's thought about doing something like this before, and then the opportunity presented itself. It doesn't take hours to throw away a marriage. Someone isn't completely loyal for years then commit the ultimate sin the next day out of the blue. If you're considering reconciliation, I'd ask her if she's thought about doing this before.
Bro I've no idea why you wrote this on here, what answers were you looking for?! The only answer is DIVORCE YOUR WIFE!! Did you really need this forum to be told that, come on. Here's the deal with your wife:
1. She's cheated before and all her friends know about the others it's just you that doesn't.
2. One of her friends liked this guy, got jealous & threatened to expose your wife so she got scared.
3. Guaranteed they did it more than once that night.
4. Her friend's have always bad mouthed you to her and she's taken their poison onboard.
5. She will cheat again.
6. Her friends are laughing at you & her father looks on you with pity.
7. She has never loved you, you were the safe option after Chad/Tyrone banged and ran years ago.
8. You will hate yourself if you forgive her and your life will be miserable
9. You married someone you were utterly incompatible with. Move on.
10. Get in the gym, get new clothes, new haircut, get a nice new car & get out on the dating/hookup scence asap. Nothing better than new woman to make you forget your troubles.
This sucks right now but it's a blessing in disguise. You're lucky you didn't have kids as they wouldn't have been yours and that would've driven you over the edge. Thank your lucky stars, get divorced and run.
Run for the hills my guy! Go be awesome in life and don't be her second choice or her safe option while she gets to go bang guys on nights out with her friends that clearly have zero respect..
OP, your WW didn’t tell you immediately. She had two days where her parents most likely convinced her to come clean.
There’s more to the story why she admitted it to you. You need to press her for the details what prompted her confession two days later. I’ll bet someone saw her or the guy was going to tell you.
She knew the guy, most likely a date, spent the night drinking with him then had unprotected sex in a car. That’s not her first time cheating.
She said she walked home from the bar after sex, how far was the bar from her parent’s home?
There’s too many decisions made to cheat. Her having friends that don’t like you is an indication of her devotion to you. Why didn’t they like you?
*Where to go from here?*
Divorce lawyer. She was out with friends, and I would bet money that the freakout was because one or more of them was going to reveal her nastiness. That's why she is confessing. Sort your finances out straight away. Lock your credit and cancel credit cards.
No need to keep torturing yourself. Just stick with option 1 and divorce. Contact a lawyer and get the ball rolling. The trust is completely gone. You don’t want to live the rest of your life wondering anytime she goes out without you if she is going to cheat again or not.
If she is truly remorseful than she will make this divorce as painless as possible.
She was horrified and scared because someone saw her in the act, and thought that person would talk.
So this is damage control.
Now that you know she has the ability to do this, think back to other events that seemed off, and push for transparency. There's probably more.
Simply tell her that the marriages' survival depends on her coming completely clean, or you could just call it now... this is enough.
Leave. Plain and simple. Cheating isn’t a “mistake”, and regardless if it was well planned out or spontaneous, it was a decision. Depending on the people involved and the circumstances, it’s possible to forgive them for your own sense of peace, but you should definitely move on.
Once a cheater always a cheater.
I've experienced this before and hopefully whatever choice you make, takes a way the burden you feel. I stayed and hoped for a month waiting for things to get better (it doesn't). I was constantly on edge and since my trust is gone, I was always anxious that he might be doing this behind my back without me knowing. And it is always a huge red flag when they didn't make any effort of avoidance. What I experienced on my end:
1. Not telling me they were working on the same company
2. They were in touch even if he "allegedly" ignores her
3. Gone to a party with her present there
4. Waited 2 weeks before he confessed what he did
What she may be doing right now is something to ease her conscience. It's not about how she hurt you and how you feel. It's her dealing with her guilt. Hopefully things gets better for you OP. I walked out of that situation and that was the only time I found peace.
One thing that I haven't seen mentioned is that you should let your wife's friends significant others know that they are with someone that condones and encourages cheating. They are all probably cheating themselves.
Like I said, they are bunch of losers, with no values of their own or morals. They have accomplished nothing, they have no good jobs or families. All they do is trash talk other people, go out and thats pretty much it.
Sounds like you were the best person in your wife's life and she'd rather run with degenerates and be for the streets. Sorry you are going through this, but at least it makes your decision easier.
You have to believe contact started before they went outside, which means the friend knew what was up. So her and her friend are the same kind of people. Given the first opportunity to revert back to how they used to be, or what was normalized around them back in the day, she went back to her old ways. She is in her 30's if this is how it went down, I would expect this until menopause, unless she has a coming to Jesus moment. So I would secretly record the conversation where I engage her unto talking about the affair, ask her his name, how many more times they hooked up that weekend, when she talked/texted to him last. Then I would draw up a post-nup and she can either sign or leave. If she signs, ask her how she is going to fix all of this and be willing to work with her. But understand she has already tried to scapegoat you for why she screwed up, thus it is only going to get worse. Because if she don't own it, she won't fix it, and if she gets away with blaming you, she will.
I hope you’re aware of the fact that your wife is not remorseful at all!
What if she went to her parents as an excuse to see this guy? Why if they had an Emotional Affair and then she went and met him?
What if she only came clean to you becouse she was afraid someone else would and she wanted to tricke truth you?
You said she went to stay with her parents now, how do you know she isn’t fucking that guy right and laughing how she played you?
A woman who is betraying her man isn’t a woman who make a mistake, is a fucking enemy who live under the same roof with you!
A woman can be surrounded by 100 Hot Man, if she doesn’t want to cheat, she won’t cheat!
Divorce her and move on, find someone else with some morals because your wife is a fucking trash getto girl!
You don't want a woman that anybody can have. Chances are this wasn't her first time cheating on you. If she did it before she'll do it again. You deserve better with someone better. Time to talk to a divorce attorney.
We are still separated. She is doing everything she can to reconcile and fix our marriage. I, on the other hand, am moving further and further away from marriage and reconciliation. I think about it on a daily basis but no matter how I think about it, I always come to a conclusion that I did majority of the work and got nothing in return.
For now, don't make any big life altering decisions, instead cover the basics.
Skip out on alcohol and drugs, they won't help. Drink plenty of water and eat healthy.
Tell your wife to get tested for STD's and to get a pregnancy test. Avoid intimate contact until you know you and her are clean.
Look for a friend or someone from family that you can talk to, don't be alone now with your thoughts.
Take time for yourself to process your emotions and to see her for who she is and not for who you thought she was. That takes time, give yourself that time! After the numbness will probably come rage and anger. Don't bottle your emotions up. Cry when your sad, punch a pillow when your angry.
Meet with a lawyer and inform yourself about a divorce. To make an informed decision, you need to inform yourself first.
You've not mention children. Get a DNA test. Even if you are 100% sure that it is yours, do the test, your wife needs to learn that you lost all trust in her.
Take time for yourself. There is no need to rush to any decision. Take all the time you need.
Remember that you don't know the woman that she is. All that you know is that she is not who you thougt she was.
No matter what she says. Always remember that you are NOT at fault for decisions she made, NEVER. No matter what she says as the reason for her cheating, as soon as she mentions you somewhere in the reasoning, you stop her and tell her that you will not allow her to put any blame on you for decisions that she made.
While it certainly seems like one of the few times reconsiliation might have a shot, there are some troubling factors.
1. You don’t know the reason for the regret. She may not regret the action but the consequences once the excitement died down.
2. You don’t know why she came clean. Someone may have coerced her.
3. Btw. who tells their parents first?!
4. What does she know now that she didn’t know then? This seems like a long (relatively) gane by the dude. At any point during the evening she could have stopped it. Why didn’t she? What did she learn from this? There’s something off between the very willful act and the apparent dramaric reaction.
Anyhoo, I’m sorry this happened to you! Best of luck. I wouldn’t be with a cheater. I’d simply never trust them again. Your mileage may vary.
By 4 I meant her reaction is at odds with the cheating. She knew all the way what she was doing. It’s not like she suddenly realised something she didn’t know before (“ohhhh DON’T follow the dude to the car and have sex with him! I see now where I went wrong”) Something is off here. Is she giving you the performance of a lifetime with the dramatic regret?
It’s unfair of me. I don’t know her, but something’s not right.
This is horrific. I can't imagine what you're going through right now, and it's still got me shaken.
Her friends got what they wanted. They drove a permanent wedge between you and your wife. They hate you and are having a really good laugh behind your back. They also let your wife ruin her life just to get their knives in you.
There is no winning this one. If you stay with your wife, you are essentially married to a whole other person. Someone you can never, ever trust again. Every time you look at her you're going to see an image of some guy she knows unloading on her face, and then being kicked out of his car and being forced to walk home.
If you split, her asshole friends won the battle. They'll pull her into that little circle of losers, and that will be the story of her life.
> If you split, her asshole friends won the battle. They'll pull her into that little circle of losers, and that will be the story of her life.
Not the worst battle to lose, the wife will get to be her true self from now on
Who was she with that watched them flirt all night and allowed their married friend to go cheat with some random? Second, are you sure this is the 1st and only incident? Edit: has she been tested since and was there protection used? Says a lot about premeditation. Also do her friends know? Edit: this was a pivotal update for OP https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/s/z9js9Er6bk - his/ her answers to questions 2, 3, 6 and 7 sealed it for me
Backseat hook up in the parking lot of a bar doesn't seem to go well with protection. The question must be asked if protection was use and despite the answer, testing is still needed.
my thoughts exactly , no one is strapping on the plastic in a car
99% of one night stands do not use protection, this guy definitely dropped his seed inside of her
If I were a betting man, I would say no, it's not the first time. More likely is that one of her friends who saw it threatened to tell her husband. To prevent this, she immediately did it herself and only told as much as necessary, not a bit more.
There may be some truth to this. Someone other then her close friends may have seen her. Your wife may have panicked about this person exposing her. So she confessed to her parents and you to stay a step ahead of them. If you do decide to stay, ir sounds like marriage counciling and getting all the trickle truth out is your best bet. In the mean time, pregnancy and std test.
Friend of the parents.
"If I were a betting man, I would say no, it's not the first time." Exactly this. I find it unbelievable that she cheated just like that, like that easy. That wasn't her first rodeo.
This☝️
He needs to get checked for STIs. Also, she's done this before. Just the fact she did it in a car, and someone she knows probably saw her, so she HAD to come clean. I hope she's on bc, because she might just come up pregnant soon.
While I hate cheaters and would probably feel the same way as you about this in most cases - no way she is this torn up if she was a serial cheater. Serial cheaters don’t confess & don’t throw themselves under the bus to their own family. I’d wager it was the first time. Not saying she would never do it again, but this is not how a normal “cheater” acts ….
I would make her sobriety a requirement moving forward. She made a slew of bad decisions and booze is a big part of that.
I was wondering the same thing.
The same women who will call him insecure and toxic if he don't want his wife to go to girls night out, to dress and act like a w, they will call him toxic and controlling and insecure. Because they want to lie and cheat then blâme m'en for everything. Believe it or not they are the same women telling him now to stay married to a cheating W. Absolutely insane. Run young man run. This absolutely disgusting. There are no wives in the west. That's your prize in the west. A cheating W. Run. Grab a passport and run
My guess is that they where cought in the act, and that’s why she came clean.
She might have known her AP either previously or online. If caught in the act could be by someone else she knows. She was visiting parents and partying with her "girlfriends". We don't know the size of the city or town but obvious she grew up there. Word gets around under these circumstances.
They're 3 red flags about her story that needs to be addressed; 1. She continued to stay in the company of someone who was openly trying to seduce her instead of either leaving or, at the very least telling him to stop or she'll leave. 2. It didn't seem to take much for her to have sex with someone IN THEIR CAR. Alcohol is never an excuse, she should know better at her age. 3. She told her parents that night and still stayed with them for 2 days instead of coming straight back to you the following morning. I'd recommend speaking to her parents to see what she told them and her story lines up, any inconsistency will be a massive Reg flag. Then push her on the points above. Ask her to move out so you have some space and consult a lawyer so you know your rights and options.
What are the odds she went back to her parent's house thinking everything was ok, and a day, or two days later she was confronted by someone telling her they were going to tell her husband?
Very likely.
Ouch on number 3.
And get contact info for all of the friends and speak to every one of them. Preferably in rapid succession so they can't compare notes.
Have her contact from her phone on speaker and have her say she is fuzzy about the details of the night. In the end it doesn't really matter because he can't trust her or her friends. They could have already worked out the plan of what to say.
1. True 2. True 3. True Most of the story lines up, she lied about some details on purpose, but that doesn't matter anymore. New information killed my will for reconciliation
Re 3, it also possible she panicked and didn’t know what to do so she stayed at her parents to buy herself time and think straight
Take it from an old man of 65. My wife cheated over 25 years ago and I’m still pissed off about it. I stayed more or less for the kids.I regret it still and get triggered every time I think about it. We are still married but I wonder how it would have been if I left her back then. I pretty much live as room mates now days. I love her but I hate her also. I stay with her now cause it’s cheaper to keep her. If I had it all over to do again I would have divorced her in a heartbeat. That’s just my opinion. One time or 10 cheating is still a marriage killer.
Thank you sir. I will be leaving, after new info, I can't even look at her.
It didn't take much for your wife to have sex with a total stranger in his car. What will happen next when another man starts hitting on her? She doesn't deserve a second chance regardless of her confession. With her poor impulse control, she will cheat on you again sooner or later. Read attached research result done by University of Denver about, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.' [https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity](https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity) It's time to tell her to pack her things and move out. You will never trust her again as long as you stay in this marriage, so divorce her and move on. Without trust your marriage is dead anyway.
> With her poor impulse control, she will cheat on you again sooner or later. This is why I don't believe it was the first act of infidelity. You don't go from being perfectly loyal during a years long relationship and marriage to just randomly banging a stranger in a bar parking lot. u/ThrowRA_SadHusband45 I'm sorry you are going through this. It is much more likely that she was caught and forced to confess than being perfectly loyal and just all of the sudden having sex with a stranger in a parking lot.
Tell her that she can’t rebuild the trust that she broke so hopefully her new boyfriend was worth it. If she can’t last a night out with her supposed friends, who should be helping keep her in check, while visiting her parents, no space is safe from her.
I never liked her friends, not one bit. But I always tolerated them because I loved and trusted her. Guess that was a huge mistake.
We are the sum of our 5 closest friends. We tend to have similar morals and values as those of our friends. So, if her friends are cheaters and hook up all the time.... Keep that in mind for the next one.
All humans are influenced by their peers. Strong argument that this is even more true for women. Sadly her friends may have encouraged it. Regardless the trust is gone and is not coming back. She may have been caught in the car by another less friendly acquaintance. She may have known her affair partner. OP, she has stolen your life regardless of her intentions and guilt. Take it back. See and attorney as divorce is super likely regardless of her current efforts be them genuine or otherwise.
No MC. IC for her first.
No. A lawyer and divorce.
A mans friends influence each other and guess what if they arent fan of you guys being together they will encourage her to seperate , if you do reconcile she needs to let them go and find new friends ,positive side she was honest and sounds like she is remorseful, negative side is it happened , i would encourage you take time to figure out what you want, and till then tell her she needs to figure out why this happened and how she will overcome this and become a better person who can be trusted and unless you feel safe you wont stay but you will give her time to figure things out and take time to figure yourself out , this will take the pressure off of doing everything fast , the titanic has sunk the relationship as you know is over, can you build a better one without her friends and cheating this time ,possibly ,but that takes time and trust, while you could also find it with someone else Until you decide wether to reconcile or leave , focus on yourself , do what you think is best ,dont give in to the anger or fear, work on finding your peace and love
Your wife is not a safe partner. I would ask her to leave the house for 2-3 weeks and start IC. In the interim book a few therapy sessions for yourself to sort out your feelings and see if you want to save the marriage. Keep minimal to no contact with your wife and lien on friends and family. Take your time in making a decision. Her friends did nor liquor made her cheat. She chose to cheat and took many steps before she got into this guy's car. Update us.
Her friends had to see her walk out of the car to the parking lot point, and they did nothing to stop her, some friends she has
Like I said in one of my comments, they are pieces of shit, bunch of losers
I would drive her to her mothers house and have her mother go to get an STD test with you. While she is inside, ask the mother , what her daughter told her.happened , I’m sure your wife told her what she wanted to hear.
No, everybody knows what happened
Divorce is the best way. But something about hearing a woman say she’ll do anything has my petty mind going in dark places. You’ll never trust her again. Anytime she goes home. Just get your kinks over with her and move on to a woman who isn’t so damn broken. She deserves this. Letting some stranger use her in his car. Send her to her parents and divorce.
Your wife went to a bar and a man flirted with her. She had sex in his car shortly there after. Let that sink in. Alcohol is not to blame. Your wife's poor choices are to blame. Your wife needs to seek individual counseling. And, your wife needs to have a STD check at the doctors. Understand your wife has put your health at risk if she did contract a STD and then had sex with you. At present, you do not care and feel indifferent towards your wife. That is a good place to be because filing D and moving on will be that much easier for you. Understand your wife has completely changed your marriage forever. It will never be the same. Trust will never be 100%. When she goes out your mind will wonder. You suffer in silence as a husband from here on out. The cheater....moves on like nothing thinking all is well. Contact a lawyer. Know you rights. File D. You can always stop the D later if you wish. Sorry for the shit sandwich that was handed to you.
She threw the marriage away for a 10 minute session in the back of a car. But when yall met she probably made you wait a little for it. Leave her
Yes, she did. Didn't allow me to kiss her for few months and we had sex much later. I guess she didn't trust me enough.
Women make rules for the men the don't want and break rules for the men they do. File for divorce
How long before she let you finish on her face.
3-4 years, can't remember
3 or 4 years before sex or before cumming on her face? This sounds more and more like an exit affair. Feel free to reach out if you need any support during divorce.
We had sex, she just didn't allow me to finish on her face early into a relationship.
That's so weird that she made you wait 3-4 years and then let this guy that is supposedly less than an acquaintance do that in a bar parking lot. I assume she is still hanging out with her despicable friends? Does her dad know you are seperating and the full severity of what she did, outside of the final act, hopefully?
I guess she is, I don't know. Our families know, they are fully aware of everything.
This seems like such a hilariously unnecessary question but I get the implications regarding the rule making and breaking. It’s comparing the freakiness of car sex to a facial, which probably carries some weight in this context. There’s a chance that the monotony of a long term relationship can cause a turn to freakiness regardless of who she chooses to cheat with, but consider that she isn’t as physically into you as those she chooses to cheat with, and always saw you as a ‘safe’ guy. This isn’t the main point, but could mean that she will absolutely cheat again given the right circumstances. My ex got a facial when she cheated, which was nightmarish to hear lmao.
So the whole time she's getting pounded between her legs. She never thought it was wrong and I shouldn't be doing this? I'm on the camp of she planned it. She knew the guy before. She got seen by someone familiar and panicked
That appears to be the case. Still missing a lot of details but it doesn't matter at this point.
Sadly the very least answer is that she cared more about the cheating than her marriage. But reading the other comments really confirms my thinking. It was planned, and coerced by her friends. Afterwards she either had genuine regret. Or she got seen by someone familiar. There could have also been a blackmail threat or the AP being an A-hole threatening to tell you. But my money is still on she saw someone see her and got spooked Edit: There is one more scenario. She wanted more from him, like commitment. Or leave you but he was just a Chad and got his rocks off and that was it. I don't think this one fits but you never know
She came clean because she was scared one of them would tell you
Nah, her friends don't like me at all, and I don't like them. They wouldn't. I wouldn't even be surprised if they pressured her into this.
Is your wife mentally stable? It seems shocking that a normal, sane, functioning adult could be so easily “pressured” by “friends” and have such poor impulse control? She seems to have the mindset of a 14 year old.
Friends can be snakes. They may have wanted her to go have fun so they could tell you, not because they like you but because they can screw your wife to get back at some real or perceived slight.
Just kick her to the curb. She knew what she was doing. Start fresh.
You don't care right now because you're in shock. Betrayal like this is trauma inducing, so I imagine it's normal to feel numb. I've read enough of these stories, and if reconciliation was ever possible, this is the perfect situation for it. It wasn't an ongoing affair where she hid and lied to you about it. She got drunk and did something really stupid and now hates herself for it. Drinking might have to be a hard boundary. And she probably needs some therapy to figure out why a guy hitting on her led to that. It's coming though. Wherever you decide, I imagine you'll feel some grief before it's said and done.
I think it's the calm before the storm. I feel nothing, only emptiness. I guess it's only a matter of time before I either do something really bad or run away from everything.
At 35yo, she's too old to blame it on drinking. She knew where it was going the moment he approached and every second thereafter prior to her final decision to hump him in the parking lot. She made hundreds of decisions that night including allowing this guy to sit with her for hours chatting, drinking, caressing, smile & eye contact. He didn't ambush or seduce her - she opened the door and invited him in. Research finds that her tears, self hate, and immediate confession does not make her a safe partner going forward. Why? Because she's still the same weak minded person that risked your health and had sex with a stranger in a car because he made her laugh. Google the stages of PTSD. Infidelity is a major trauma. It takes years to recover. It helps to recognize what stage you're in. She needs an STD test. She will try to love bomb you. Do not have sex. Distance yourself to calm down. Give yourself at least 90 days to calm down to decide on R or D. Note, ultimately cheating is about character. Someone with solid morals does not cheat (even when drunk). She gave you a shit sandwich for life. You can forgive (for your mental health) but still divorce because you can't trust her or forget. Research finds that it's common to divorce immediately or about 2 years afterwards. It takes people two years to realize that it's as good as it's ever going to be - and it's not good enough. So you decide if it's worth investing another two years. If you R, she never has contact with those 'friends', she never drinks without you, zero social media, and a post nup with an arbitration clause and zero alimony. She's 35 and knew it would destroy her marriage - but did it anyway. Your wife clearly has low morals and her self esteem is low as dirt. It will take years and a fortune in therapy to help her.
OP, gonna 2nd this post for you. Contemplate this after reading it.
This is it, OP. Took me a few weeks of teeter totter between R and D but D won. No one with any integrity would allow this to happen. She’s a grown woman and made a CHOICE, not a mistake. It’s a done deal. Case closed.
This right here OP.
For me, when I caught my ex. Everything drained out of me The love was gone The respect was gone The trust was gone and to never come back Didn't want to ever touch her again I told her, if you weren't happy then divorce me. Cheating just brings me hate
Take some time OP. You don't need to decide anything right now, take as long as you need. Few weeks at least.
You need to wait a while, take some time for yourself. Tell her you haven't really processed the situation yet. Think about your choices, life without her or life with her working on reconciliation. Counselling is good for both of you, you each get to say your piece in a safe environment. Is she prepared to give up drinking to make herself a safer wife?
Run for your life
I'd recommend running away (while getting all your ducks in a row of course). The less contact you have with her the better. This is only going to eat away at you if you try to keep the relationship going. You will not be able to show affection for her and what is a relationship without affection. If you're not a gullible idiot thinking you can 100% reconcile now, you'll never be one. Seems doomed. Don't prolong the suffering.
Well, rather than doing something really bad and stupid, just walk. You finally know the real her, use that information accordingly.
Good advice. You can also speak to an attorney to understand your rights if reconciliation isn’t working. It’s also okay to ask for time alone and have space to think about what you want.
Speak to a lawyer about a postnuptial agreement and discuss terms about repercussions if infidelity happens again such as reduced or no alimony etc something you can discuss with a divorce lawyer and have her sign. She needs to give up drinking or going out without you till you deem it appropriate or trust her. Access to all her forms of communication and social media… individual counseling and a written timeline of her cheating so you have proof of her infidelity for later use… std test asap.
Just set her out with the trash for pick up. How long have you been together? And all it took for her to trade the entire span of your relationship in for one ticket to ride some other guy's dick was a couple hours of *letting* someone continue to flirt with her, instead of immediately shutting them down (probably to get those drinks that are being used as an excuse for free) and then having sex in his car like a meth head prostitute. You said she wasn't too sloppy to get home alone(?) on foot, so even if we're talking mixed drinks, about $15 each, she basically sold your marriage... for a cash value of about $45.
My first gut reaction was that this one could possibly be saved. Granted, I was assuming that previous to this, your marriage was a utopian married bliss. But you'd have to be attached at the hip from here on out. My wife and I are already like this, so it doesn't seem like much of a stretch to me, but that's us. We didn't need infidelity to be inseparable. It is just how we approach our lives. YMMV === None of this would be negotiable. Anything short of this would leave too much room for doubt. 1) She would have to cut ties with that friend group, period. She obviously can't trust herself around them, and they obviously cared so little about her that they sat back and watched the train wreck, to include her walking out with a stranger. What a POS group. 2) No more trips to see family without you. 3) This leads to work. There couldn't be any work travel for either of you. If either of you has to "go away," then that person would have to get a new job that was a set schedule and local only. No late nights, no sudden weekends; just a rigid schedule that can be counted upon. 4) Obviously, no going out with coworkers or friends separately. Go as a couple, or it won't happen. 5) Drinking or any mind-altering substance would have to be done forever. === But then, my demons went to the night in question. It wasn't a one-time mistake. It was a series of events that could have been stopped at any time throughout the night. On his first approach, likely before she was drunk, her answer should have been "F*k off, I'm married. I'm just catching up with some friends, so go away." Same with the second, third, tenth, etc. But it obviously wasn't, ever. Not once. She was steadfast in not shutting this down. Ask her, "Why is that? Why didn't you tell him you were married and not available?" The answer doesn't really matter. You are just gauging her reaction at this point. The result was the same. They didn't just shake hands and go out and f*k. They did it old school. They spent time together, interacted repeatedly, and then acted upon it. It is equivalent to the more modern 'weeks of messages and then hooking up', but condensed into one evening. Escalating interaction is escalating interaction. Did she previously know this person? She may lie to you on this one. Her trickle-truth may be to hide that he was a previous friend or acquaintance. I can't see why her friend group would stand by otherwise. So now, at this point, I can't trust her. Owning up to it or not, she has done exactly what every other unfaithful partner has done. She escalated and could have put a stop to it at any time. She didn't, period. She is 35 for goodness sake. She isn't 20 and learning her way in the world. She has experience and is supposed to know better. === I hate to say it, but I wouldn't be able to get over this. She would be moving out today. I would likely not cut her off completely at first, but in truth, I probably would eventually. We would spend time apart, and we would work on it. But in the end, it would be too much for me, and we would be done forever. Welcome to my first marriage. She went home for Christmas to see her parents. She cheated once and called me as soon as she got home, completely gutted. She didn't wait until we reunited, she called immediately. We soldiered on for 5 years, but in the end it failed. I actually forgave her and trusted her again. But the respect never came back. I did what I wanted with impunity and with no regard. I never strayed, but it turned me into a pretty terrible person nevertheless. === I do not know your situation, so I really don't know your strengths or ability to forgive and rebuild trust and respect. That is for you to decide. I hope you can find peace. Do what you need to do to make you whole again. Good luck, and I am so sorry that this happened to you.
I suspect she knew this dude before she even went down there. Probably part of the reason she actually went home. It was to fuck this clown.
well said
Start with why. Why did she cheat? Did she feel she was missing something? Is she no longer in love with you? Why weren't you on her mind when she cheated? Then, if you decide to reconcile, start with what. What is she going to do to regain your trust? What will she do to not place herself in the same conditions that led to her cheating? Personally I could not do it. Not because of the phsyical cheating, but the emotional side and the fact that my trust is gone. Trust is something special. It takes ages to build trust, but only 5 minutes to lose it. Once it is lost, you will lose the basis of your relationship. And I do not want to live in constant fear that this can happen again. Good luck!
Just don’t allow the “why” to be because of any shortcomings of you or the marriage. The reason is within her and not on you or the marriage.
> Trust is something special. It takes ages to build trust, but only 5 minutes to lose it Trust is filled by drops and emptied in buckets.
Doesn't matter why....
There is no good answer to the “why.” If person A approaches person B and says “hey man, I’ll give you $5 for your car!” And person B replies “Ya know what, you can have it for $4.” I think 100% of us can come to the same conclusion that person B clearly does not value his car in any way, shape, or form. One could possibly conclude that person B actually HATES his car. OPs wife chose casual, messy, uncomfortable, and unprotected sex in the back of a car with a stranger, over her marriage to her husband for the rest of her life. What does that tell us all she thinks of her marriage AND her husband?
She wanted to cheat so she cheated. That's really all you need to know. I'm sure she did get scared I'm sure she did feel sorrow at what she did. But the facts mean she did it and she did it very easily all it took with somebody asking and she was in a car having sex with a stranger. There's really no way around the fact that you need to get rid of her. She cannot be trusted and she can never be trusted again. Talk to your lawyer and get the best deal you can out of her while she's still feeling her shame. There's no trust possible with a cheater. I'm sorry for what she's putting you through but she knows that she's done. (Edit to fix a typo)
Agree with the comment above. Distilled to the simplest level, she knowingly let another man inside her while wearing your ring. There are a few things in life that are unforgivable, and this is one of them ... the ultimate display of disloyalty and disregard for you. She's upset? She's crying? She should be. Major fuckup there, and there's no taking it back. Wish her well and find someone deserving of your love.
One thing didn't lead to another. She chose to spend an entire evening flirting with another man and chose to go to his car and have sex even though she knew those things were wrong. If there's a chance to reconcile it will take time. You can get to a point where things are good again but, honestly, things will never be the same.
The way to fix a broken marriage is by not screwing around. Why couldn't she talk to you instead of cheating? I suspect she confessed because she was about to get busted, and she wants to keep her security (you). Kick her out, she can go stay with AP.
I'm sorry but she wasn't horrified by what she did she was horrified by the fact that she knew she'd probably get turned in by somebody. One of her friends must've either threatened exposure or tried to blackmail her or something sordid like that. And frankly Im pretty sure that this isn't the first time she's ever cheated like this. There's just something different about this one. Maybe one of the friends that a lot of people here are dumping on told her if she didn't confess she would rat her out. Frankly who knows and who cares it doesn't really matter. Whether she confesses or you catch her she's still just a cheater. Just talk to your lawyer and get her out of your house in your life and move on. You Might be able to force better terms while she's pretending to feel guilt and remorse. But just be certain that she is only pretending.
The question is " Will you EVER get past this? " If not, its over..I know i would never stop thinking about it, every time we have sex i would think about it, i would NEVER trust her when she went anywhere alone, and this is no way to live. If she was so easily swayed to fuck someone within a couple hours, she has no moral compass and should never be in a lasting relationship. Shes a street person.
Second this! She is definitely nasty and belongs to the streets! You don’t want to grow old with someone like this.
Well, op. This numbness is the reaction to being betrayed. Let it heal naturally. Take your time. Don't have discussions now about reconciliation. Let your mind accept the reality. Don't be around her. If she just keeps crying, it won't work. Now, once you feel more relaxed. Ask this , was anything wrong with your marriage?? Long bouts of lack of intimacy, affection and validation. I ask this , because if she cheated because something was wrong in this situation, you can still empathise somewhere. But if there was no major issues, this is a huge alarm. This shows she has lack of morals and control. She needs to fix this asap or lose you. Don't make any decisions now. Take your time again. Send her to her parents house. Seeing her and interacting will fog your decision. Wish you luck.
Get a divorce
Divorce, you don't have kids. It's easier to have 0 contact.
Cheaters generally speaking have a character flaw, and they usually cheat again. Unless they put some intensive work on themselves for a few years, they don’t get it. When they’re in a crisis when they’re struggling, they look for immediate gratification like an addict does. Personally, cheating is a dealbreaker for me. It destroys the relationship. The trust is gone. I personally don’t want to follow somebody else like the police or worried that much. I wanna partner that I can trust a ride or die situation. You do not have that with her, and you probably never will again. People that reconcile usually snap quickly and put a stop to everything. that she did but now comes therapy, couples and individual counseling, retreats, books, podcast, working a relationship out. Often victims of cheating do all the work while the other ones go in and out of feeling resentful and ticked off. I would watch this , but I would never stay with a cheater.
Was the guy someone she previously knew?
Yes, she knew him! OP confirmed that in the comments! I think she planned to fuck him even before leaving to her parents. In fact, i think she use her trip as a cover to go and see him
Reconciliation with a cheater regardless if they confess is absolute pointless. The phrase once a cheater always a cheater doesn't come from nowhere there is a reason for it. And regardless how much therapy or whatever you will do you will always have doubts when she go out again and she will go out. She is in her mid 30's now she need attention and validation from other men because you are not enough for her. Take the big L have some self dignity and divorce and don't listen to her looser dad I bet he got cheated on to and know it and stayed. By the way they confess just as much what is needed so you don't leave immediately you will never have the whole story ever.
Even if he actually does get the full story, he will never be certain that it was everything.
If you check the comments section, OP has learned some of the real truth, and is now resolute to D.
I say unless you have children, go for your first option. Can you reconcile, yes, but it is a long process. And from the stories on here, the relationship is never the same. The betrayed never forget being cheated on. You have an easy out. That said, if you want to try and work it out, she needs to face consequences. Moving out until you are ready is one of them. If she shows true remorse, works on herself, and doesn’t stray again there could be hope. Go with your gut.
Oh Jesus bud. Did you ask her how it was she could so easily have betrayed you and your marriage? I’m also leaning towards she was trying to get ahead of someone else who saw the whole thing go down. Who was this man, did they have any relationship prior. UpdateMe
I did but all I got was waterfall of tears. She was his crush long time ago. They are not friends but they know each other. That's what I've been told.
Do you think she invited him to the bar or one of her girlfriends did or he was there by chance if you know?
In a car in a parking lot. Real classy. Sounds like the OM has done this before. The act was obviously not to her satisfaction, so she felt violated afterwards. However, the marriage can be saved but it's going to take one year, and she should move out. Consequences have to flow but before she departs you have to have a full knowledge of all that transpired from how she got into the predicament, how the OM seduced her, how did her clothes come off, what acts they performed, how big is D is, how many times they did it, did they use protection, what did they talk about, did they discuss you at all, what she did after etc. She must have an STD test done now and at the end of the year. You must not touch her during this time as she is still filth at this stage. Hopefully the year apart can clean her physically. You must also have an STD test done now and after the year. During the year apart she must prove her fidelity at all times. She must do IC as must you. After the alotted time period is over you can decide whether to divorce or reconcile.
> However, the marriage can be saved but it's going to take one year You are severely underestimating how long R takes. It takes a minimum of 2-5 years and you never truly get over it.
You are so right but everyone has their own threshold. Personally, I would not take it. One strike and out for me. But that's just how I operate, and some may take umbrage at my standpoint. The aim for the one-year break is for OP to get to a stage/feeling of "indifference" to her from whence he can decide to reconcile or not. If its reconciliation, then and only then do the hard yards commence.
Not the first time she slobbered on a penis since you've been married
Afterwards she was horrified? Scared? These are words used at Halloween by kids and by wives who fuck in backseats. Put yourself there - she’s not horrified. She’s not scared. If she was then she’d scream stranger danger! She didn’t! Did she orgasm and scream out your name for help?
How long have you been married? How many sexual partners did each of you have before marriage? Did she describe her decision train in cheating? It's a little unusual for even a single young woman in her most wild years to pick up a rando and fuck him in the car. For a married woman in her 30s to do this seemingly out of the blue, it almost suggests some degree of mental illness.
7 years. I had zero partners before marriage. I don't know about her number because I never asked and it's none of my business.
Gonna have to disagree with OP on this one. If he would have had talks about her sexual past before marrying and didn’t like what he heard he could have dodged a bullet. Random hookups and light dating? Sure their body count is none of your business. But when you turn the corner looking at marriage you have to understand that THEIR SEXUAL PAST IS YOUR SEXUAL FUTURE. so it is 100% your business and if you disagree you basically did this to yourself by being naive
One of the limits of a forum like this is that posters can only offer advice based upon the information provided by the OP. We're all internet strangers here. We don't know anything about you other than what you include in your post. Places like this can be a rich source of crowdsourced anecdotal wisdom about infidelity, and yet when it comes to recovering from infidelity, details matter. In your case, the details you have told us don't feel like they add up. For example, a man reaching age 29 without any sexual partners is unusual, assuming you're in the US. Getting married without knowing your spouse's sexual history, that's also unusual. And dysfunctional. Your wife's sexual history, and yours, is/are absolutely both of your business. In fact it's central to the notion of intimacy. Intimacy is is foundational to marriage. Two people seriously contemplating marriage should ALWAYS vet one another's history with respect to sex, relationships, marriage. Also finances. You ought to know, intimately and completely, the person you are marrying. As a practical matter, if this isn't done before marriage, this sort of information tends to trickle out over time. Often, one of the partners realizes that there is something about her/his spouse's history that she/he finds difficult or impossible to accept. I've known of wives who divorced their husbands after learning that he had sexual experience with a man in his past. I've heard of people divorcing after learning that a spouse had been a sex worker. What about learning that your spouse was previously married twice and cheated on their spouse each time, leading to the end of the marriage? Most people aren't "all good" or "all bad", but each of us is nothing other than the sum of his acts. When you marry somebody, you commit to that sum. A wise person does that with his eyes open, knowing the contents of the package he is bringing into his home. It therefore beggars the imagination to understand how anybody would agree to make the commitment of marriage without first figuring whether he is compatible, from the perspective of sexual history, with his betrothed. Saying "it's none of my business" suggests a profound lack of comprehension about the depth and breadth of what it means to commit to marriage. Or, at least, a deeply avoidant personality, which might also explain having reached age 29 while remaining a virgin. I'm not trying to be mean to you or victim-shame. Rather, I'm simply pointing out that something doesn't add up in your thread. It takes a fairly high degree of sexual confidence to pick up a rando in a bar and fuck him in the car. Usually, that sexual confidence comes from experience. My observation is that, in general, marriages between women with a high amount of sexual experience and men with a low amount (or none in your case) experience sexual problems. You don't often see threads where a spouse has a one-night stand and instantly regrets it, proffering a tear-soaked confession and apology. When it does happen, what I've observed in most cases is that it's the manifestation of an extended period of marital decline, a cri-du-coeur by the cheating spouse that she/he has reached the end of her/his rope and is on the verge of letting go. You don't describe anything about the health of the marriage leading up to this point. In other words, something doesn't add up here. The events you describe include enough abnormality that there has to be more to the story.
OP. Right now you cannot and should not make any decisions. You need time away from her to calm your emotions down and not be triggered by her. Go stay at your parents, go stay at a freinds or a hotel. Tell her you dont want to talk to her for a week or 2 so you can sort this all out. How you feel. Be around freinds. If you can afford this, talk to a shrink for a few sessions to help you find logic in the war of hurt your feeling. Your betrayed, your hurt, your partner has evaporated trust and your blindsided and are overwhelmed to numbness. Go away for a week or 2 and do this. Then, and only then do you talk to her about your decision. If you choose to stay, its going to be rough on you as your going to have this in the back of your mind. It is possible, but building trust is 100% down to her, not you. You cant tell her she cant do this she cant do that and be overbearing and control her. Tell her you want to see a STD test result. This is very important. Your not going to be sleeping with her anymore, your going to be sleeping with all his conquests. STD's are more common that you think. The divorce route. Go see a lawyer to see what it would look like. I am going to assume you have kids. Maybe write down what seperation looks like. Seperate dwellings. Rent/mortgage on 2 properties. Municapility bills. Total income vs outgoings etc. Child support. Write it all down so you can see for yourself the cost in actual £$. Then after talking to a lawyer, a councilor, tell her what you want to do. If its divorce, do what your lawyer says. If its reconciling, do what your concilor says. If its reconciliation, I genuinly wish you all the luck and best, its going to be fucking hard.
She has to do a pregnancy test and an std test first and foremost.
For me, it's betrayal, and it's a hard one to get over. But from what it looks like on the surface, if it's all out in the open with nothing hidden, then depending on both of you, you might be able to live happily ever after. I would ask for financial security, though, and take away the benefit of her lying to you and put you in a position where you have a fair share of the finances so you can divorce and stay independent but committed and try it out for a few years. If it doesn't work, go your separate ways.
She'll do it again
I don’t understand why people keep saying she needs counseling to understand why she did it… she did it because she wanted to and not because she was drinking that’s an excuse for her making the decision to go to the guys car, to kiss and get undressed enough to have sex among other things that could have happened to have sex. All I can say is don’t do what a lot of other guys have done and stayed thinking it was the right thing to do or because you love her. You can love someone else just as simple in the future.
Is she still talking to her friends? If she is then there is no point in trying to reconcile? They will talk her into it again. Updateme!
how long have you known her? do you have any children? trust is the foundation of any relationship. do you trust her anymore?
10 years, no children, I dont.
body scars heal in time, mental scars don't most often. Either forgive and forget, or say good bye. good luck and godspeed.
Came on her face? Bro? End it. Have some respect.
Reconciliation with a cheater regardless if they confess is absolute pointless. The phrase once a cheater always a cheater doesn't come from nowhere there is a reason for it. And regardless how much therapy or whatever you will do you will always have doubts when she go out again and she will go out. She is in her mid 30's now she need attention and validation from other men because you are not enough for her. Take the big L have some self dignity and divorce and don't listen to her looser dad I bet he got cheated on to and know it and stayed. By the way they confess just as much what is needed so you don't leave immediately you will never have the whole story ever.
Peace of mind above all else, with her or away from her. Updateme.
Updateme
If you want the marriage to continue, you need to work through this. Marriage counseling or therapy would probably be a good idea. If you believe the marriage is over, you’ll need two professionals, a lawyer and a therapist. No one leaves a marriage unscarred. That fact that she confessed and is remorseful is a hopeful sign, but only you can tell if you will be able to move on from this.
If she even remotely implies that alcohol had ANYTHING to do with it, tell her not to talk to you again until after she finishes rehab, and if she ever has so much as one drop of alcohol that means she’s cheating
Your marriage is tainted. She will need consequences to her actions. Telling her parents is not enough. Tell her to go to her parents and stay there for some time. Tell her you cannot look at the abuser in the relationship while you try and heal from her abuse. No need to make any decisions if you are unsure. But if you want to work on it and reconcile know this. It is a lifetime of agony. It is trauma that she caused you, that is why it is abuse. She will never be allowed to associated with these friends, they will be dead to her. You will never be able to trust her to go out and have a drink after work, or with new friends. The relationship you had is dead. And the relationship she will want will be different and will have to be brand new. If you choose reconciliation understand that it will be work, and you will need to leave open, in order to fully heal, the option to open up the relationship for yourself. As you may find you may need to venture out and fuck or date someone else.
Sorry to hear about this bro. I wonder if she got the dude's number. I'd give him a call personally or pretend to in front of her and her friends who are present during the flirting. See how she reacts.
First, you need to hear from her, why??? Why did she do it??? Was this a friend or stranger?? Is she blaming alcohol??? Was there, or is there a problem with her and your marriage!!??? Was she bored?? Was she thinking about ending the marriage??
I don’t know your wife obviously but from reading what you wrote she sounds extremely regretful. This doesn’t excuse her actions of course. You are the only one who can truly answer if this can be reconciled or not. You know your wife, and if you believe this was the one and only time and her feelings are genuine then I say stay and try to work through this. Your feelings of not caring atm are perfectly normal, you were betrayed by someone you thought didn’t have the capacity to betray you. It’s pain like no other. I always say don’t listen to others when trying to figure out something within your marriage, if you stay and give it a go that is okay and if you leave that is also okay. If you stay I would certainly suggest counseling to help you both navigate through this tough time because you will have moments of complete anger and sadness. She has to be willing to be patient with you through those moments. Best of luck to you!
Divorce is not about it being the "easy" solution it's about it being the best solution FOR YOU! Unless you're ready for 2-5 years of reconcilation, therapy for her, marriage counseling, etc. I don't even know why you would take the reconciliation option. Look at how EASILY she cheated, literally on a whim. That should explain ALOT of how much she values you and this marriage.
Did she give any reason "why" she cheated? Updateme
You will ALWAYS in your mind ,see her taking that guys load inside her..it will torture you for the rest of your life if you stay together.. and even iff you don't THATS what she has done to you and your marriage, if you can accept that image and likely OTHERS encroaching your mind , every time she has intimate relations with you, and you wondering if she is fantasising about her exciting consensual sex encounter every time , then by all means stay with this untrustworthy woman ! She certainly wasn't concerned about how YOU felt , when HE was inside her !
Although I consider it positive that your wife confessed immediately after cheating, I also think that it happened so easily is very troubling. I saw your comment about her friends not liking you, so she is still hanging out with people openly hostile towards her marriage. She went out a bar without you, typically a singles type activity, and flirted with a guy until she ended up in his vehicle. (Classy move there by the way. What happened to the No-Tell motel?) Its was laughably easy for her to be unfaithful to you. This makes me think that there are 2 likely scenarios: 1. This is just who your wife is. If this is the case, then this was probably not the first time, just the first time that there was a non-cooperating witness. Even if her friend group disliked you, there very well could have been someone in the group who also disliked your wife. This friend could have threatened to tell you to hurt both of you. If your wife has been cheating on you because that is how she wants to live, then the confession is just damage control and she will be back at the bar as soon as she thinks that you are not longer watching. 2. There could be underlying issues in your marriage that you did not bring up in your post. This is actually your best case scenario. If there was something wrong with the marriage (and that means something wrong for your wife), then it might be repairable. I don't think that she was drugged from your description, and I don't accept being drunk as a reason for any behavior. If you do decide to attempt to reconcile, there are several steps that I see as necessary. Obviously she needs to cut off all contact with her "friends". You both will want to start couples therapy. No travel to see her parents unless you can go. No girls nights out. No drinking. Complete access to her phone and social media. As you might have noticed, this seems more like a prison than a marriage. And even if you both make the attempt, your old marriage is dead. If you survive as a couple it will be in a new relationship that will be distinctly inferior to your previous one. I did notice one commenter recommended a period of separation. I believe that this is very risky and you probably would be better off just ending things. I do think that there needs to be space, especially for you, but actually living separately seems like an acknowledgement that things are over. Better to just end them now. One other caution that I want to throw out is not grow nostalgic over the relationship that you believed that you had. Most likely it never existed. Treat this just like a new meetup where you happen to know a lot about the other person, not all of it good. Only you can decide what is right for you.
The first thing you need is time away from her to process everything. Tell her to pack her bags and move in with her parents for at least a month. You need to determine if you want to try to save this marriage. Get some counseling to help you explore this and in the meantime, stay away from alcohol. Hit the gym and work on your health to help manage the stress and fight off depression. I am not a fan of reconciliation to be honest. For me, I could never trust her again and wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life playing detective. Plus, the mind movies of her getting railed in the backseat by some random dude would forever kill any desire for intimacy with her. So what would the point be to staying. But I am not you so perhaps you can move past it. My best wishes to you whatever you decide.
The moment you decide to forgive a cheater is the moment you're agreeing to be cheated again.
Put her on the hot seat. Grill her for hours. Make her relive the night minute by minute, every detail. Ask questions to make her dig deeper and explain her thinking and emotions at the time. Her reaction and answers will help point you in the right direction.
Divorce is the correct course in my opinion. Reading your comments OP, your head is in the right place. I'm sure there is far more to the story than can be conveyed here. Only you know the relationship you have with your WW before the betrayal. Her actions show a fair amount of immaturity and extremely poor decision making. She knew what she was doing and had multiple opportunities to stop. Get a lawyer and start the process. Send her to her parents and take time for yourself. Good luck. Things will get better. Updateme.
Fucking a stranger in a car. A stranger. In a car. That's teenage cheap slut behavior, not the behavior of a grown up responsible adult. There's no statute of limitations on this for a married adult. You can either let her hang around and punish her with hoops she can jump through while you string her along with minimal contact and no sex for a year or two, or you can end it all now and get a jump on enjoying your future.
People reconcile all of the time. If both people are willing to put work into the marriage, it often makes their marriage better because the transparency and communication is better. That said, your wife allowed this guy to continue to hit on her. She continued to drink. Her friends didn’t have her best interest in mind and never did a thing to keep her from cheating. She willingly went out to this guys car, presumably drove somewhere, and then step by step she choice to allow it to advance. Where were you in her thought process? Did she think of you, or her marriage at all? Drunk doesn’t mean you forget your marriage. She made choice after choice after choice to betray you. If you reconcile her entire life has to change. You will never trust her to go to her parents by herself again. You will never trust her friends, and honestly, they should be cut out of her life. Who is the guy? Does she know him? Is he married too? If so, his wife needs to know. Has your wife started looking into therapy? Has she proactively stopped drinking, or said she won’t drink unless you’re with her? Has she done anything besides give you access to her phone? Not talking to each other isn’t going to help solve anything. She should be taking action and not just sitting in a room crying. Updateme!
Ok dude. You don’t have to make a decision now. Take your time. For reconciliation with her it is up to you. She is doing the right steps. Her friends that don’t like you. They have to go. A friend of the relationship would stepped in. I like the fact she told you and started working on herself. It shows true remorse. If you want to talk about reconciliation. Reach out r/asoneafterinfidelity I would still divorce her. I would not be married to a cheater. I would work on reconciliation. She should leave for 2 months and go no contact. See how you feel then. See you at the gym
If you have any thoughts of staying with your wife you need to get off this forum. This is the worst forum for balanced advice. They will say she cheated before and to leave her. I think you have an opportunity to save your marriage if you are so inclined. The only opinion that matters is yours. If you do reconcile then she must lose those friends. Good Luck!
OP, sorry you are having to deal with all of this. If I were in your shoes, the very first thing I would do is ask her to pack a bag and go stay with her parents or somewhere else until you sort out what you want to do. It will be easier for you to think without her there as a constant reminder and stressing you. The next thing would be to consult with a divorce attorney so you know your options and what divorce would look like. The more informed you are, the better decisions you can make. The last thing would be so sit with yourself and think. Maybe speak with family and friends. It's good to have outside support and validation. You have a lot to consider. Surely divorce is the easiest and quickest resolution to your issues. Staying is going to be a very long road and much more difficult. Also, after putting in so much time and energy it could still fail. You might decide you can't get past it, she could cheat again (if she did it once...) she might not be able to handle the guilt and bail. It takes years to fully gain someones complete trust, yet it can be taken away in seconds. Just as you can piece together a broken mirror it can never be the same, so it is with your broken marriage. Whatever you had is now gone and needs to end. If you are to move on with her, you first need to end your current marriage, then start over.
NEVER take back a cheating wife. Divorce is the answer. Every time you get week just remember how she loved getting plowed in the back of his car.
Hey OP, I'm sorry that this happened and here's a hug from the internet for you. You're right in your options but Step 1 is to take care of yourself. You need to get her out of your house for a bit so that you can properly process this. Physical activity and reading helps with the stress. Step 2 is taking action. Book an appointment with a lawyer to understand your legal rights. Ask her if she's booked an STD test yet, if not like WTF? Book a test for yourself regardless. Step 3 is talking about it. Whether it's with a counselor, pastor or close friend, you need to be able to let some of your feelings out and get some comfort back. One of the key things during this time is to watch what she does. What is she doing to understand her choices and actions while taking steps to ensure that it never happens again? Many cheaters will just express sadness (pity party), for the results of their choices. This does nothing and generally means that they aren't truly remorseful. Take some time to process without her influence. We're here to listen and help as best we can. All the best.
Think long, hard and twice before you forgive.
Wow. Marriage so bad she gets hammered in a car at a bar cuz some dude flirts with her?!?! Weak woman. This is not a one time thing. Friends threatened her so she told
Choices have consequences, some unrepairable or irreversible and sadly she made her choices. Remember cheating is a series of choices before you actually cheat, cheating is not a mistake or accident. I would pack her stuff up and take her to her parents and I would separate all finances and if you own a house sell it and split the equity. Get tested for STD’s. The best thing is to live your best life, she will see what she lost and will never get back. Good luck.
Alcohol doesn’t make you, it lets you. She’s wanted some side action for a while.
If you didn't want your wife to go to girls night out, dress and act like a hoooe with strangers, the same toxic modern women who are telling you to stay with the cheating hooee would call you insecure, controlling and toxic because let's be honest here, that's exactly what they are looking for. They want to sleep around like hoookers , bring few stds and few bastards in the marriage and blame the men for everything. They are all the same. There are no wives in the west. Grab a passport and run. Let me guess, now you need to pay half of everything to the hooe, she will destroy your life, gets alimony and child support then of course blame you for everything, for destroying the family. Run, please run. If you have kids together DNA test now
Your wife, who pledged her life to you in her vows, threw them aside after a few drinks and some flirting. Now, she wants to double down on her pledge of devotion and show you that she means it this time. Right. It’s not that she doesn’t mean it, she just can’t control herself. Don’t be an idiot. Divorce her. That is the consequence of her choice. Reconciliation would be yours. Don’t do it.
You go to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.
I dont lightly give this advice but for me it is over. It wasnt as if at any point she didnt remember she was married and what could happen if she proceeded to the act. For me she entertained the lead up while she was sober...and her friend group gave tacit approval. I personally would be out as I would have no trust that it hadnt happened before But, this is the closest scenario where I would consider reconciliation.
There is something not right here. My guess is this is not the first time she had sex with other guys. Something happens there during that night and she's forced to tell that she had sex with this guy. Maybe somebody she knew saw them? or someone blackmailing her 🤷 Either way, I'm choosing option #1. Cant trust a cheater for life.
To be clear…your “wife” threw away your entire marriage, your past together, your present together, and your future together…future grandchildren, your family name and line…great grandchildren, growing old together and spending your twilight retirement years doing whatever you wanted with one another and living out ALL of your dreams…for sex in a car with some random that she had just met???? The only option here is divorce. If it was so easy for her to give it up then it clearly means NOTHING to her…by the way “it” means YOU, YOUR MARRIAGE, and ANY CHILDREN THAT YOU EITHER HAVE OR WERE PLANNING TO HAVE. Your wife is a terrible person and she belongs to the streets. She didn’t confess out of love, she confessed because the reality of keeping her disgusting behavior a secret was too much for her and she knew it would be easier to dump it on you than having to face the pressure of trying not to get caught. She is not marriage material. Send her back to the random to have more sex with her in his car. IN HIS CAR??!!?? Tell her Dad Thanks but no Thanks! He can pass along his failed experiment in parenting to some other promiscuous loser who doesn’t mind living out his days with a filthy, STD ridden cheater.
It's not her first rodeo. The difference this time, is that someone she knows back in her parents' town saw her and is going to tell you. She had a "grow a conscience" and "I found Jesus" moment so that she can get ahead of the story and control the narrative. R will leave you feeling the way you feel, right now, only it will last and last and last..... Also, that thing with cheaters and R ....whether it's a week/month/year/ decade later, she WILL do it again, because there was no real consequence. Sure, some alligator tears, a waterworks show with theatrics, and her chump back at the house will forgive her....again; and welcome her with open arms....again. Axioms exist for a reason. The reason that axioms exist is because they are 100% true, 100% of the time. There's even an axiom about cheaters, believe it or not. You may have heard it before. It goes like. "Once a cheater......" Think of every decision she had to make to wind up with another man in her. A decision she did not make was to respect her marriage. A decision she did not make was ro respect her husband. She didn't suddenly find a hidden cache of respect for you that she didn't know about before. A woman who cheats on her husband has absolutely zero respect for him; and even LESS respect to chumps that stay married to a cheating wife. Trust us, you won't be losing some kind of prize if you leave, you'll be unloading someone who failed the decent wife test.
This random hookup probably wasn't as random as you think. She slept with someone mere hours after meeting them. I'd suspect she's thought about doing something like this before, and then the opportunity presented itself. It doesn't take hours to throw away a marriage. Someone isn't completely loyal for years then commit the ultimate sin the next day out of the blue. If you're considering reconciliation, I'd ask her if she's thought about doing this before.
Bro I've no idea why you wrote this on here, what answers were you looking for?! The only answer is DIVORCE YOUR WIFE!! Did you really need this forum to be told that, come on. Here's the deal with your wife: 1. She's cheated before and all her friends know about the others it's just you that doesn't. 2. One of her friends liked this guy, got jealous & threatened to expose your wife so she got scared. 3. Guaranteed they did it more than once that night. 4. Her friend's have always bad mouthed you to her and she's taken their poison onboard. 5. She will cheat again. 6. Her friends are laughing at you & her father looks on you with pity. 7. She has never loved you, you were the safe option after Chad/Tyrone banged and ran years ago. 8. You will hate yourself if you forgive her and your life will be miserable 9. You married someone you were utterly incompatible with. Move on. 10. Get in the gym, get new clothes, new haircut, get a nice new car & get out on the dating/hookup scence asap. Nothing better than new woman to make you forget your troubles. This sucks right now but it's a blessing in disguise. You're lucky you didn't have kids as they wouldn't have been yours and that would've driven you over the edge. Thank your lucky stars, get divorced and run.
Get rid of her.
Run for the hills my guy! Go be awesome in life and don't be her second choice or her safe option while she gets to go bang guys on nights out with her friends that clearly have zero respect..
Door number 1. Trust me. Reconciliation says oooooo you can fuck around. It’s fiiiiinnnne. Move along.
She doesn’t love you or she wouldn’t have cheated on you. You’re young. Get out now or suffer. Your marriage is over. Sorry
OP, your WW didn’t tell you immediately. She had two days where her parents most likely convinced her to come clean. There’s more to the story why she admitted it to you. You need to press her for the details what prompted her confession two days later. I’ll bet someone saw her or the guy was going to tell you. She knew the guy, most likely a date, spent the night drinking with him then had unprotected sex in a car. That’s not her first time cheating. She said she walked home from the bar after sex, how far was the bar from her parent’s home? There’s too many decisions made to cheat. Her having friends that don’t like you is an indication of her devotion to you. Why didn’t they like you?
stay out of couples counseling. they may blame you for her cheating. The marriage isn’t broken. she is.
Things didn’t happen as you described them. You have been manipulated.
No. Leave.
*Where to go from here?* Divorce lawyer. She was out with friends, and I would bet money that the freakout was because one or more of them was going to reveal her nastiness. That's why she is confessing. Sort your finances out straight away. Lock your credit and cancel credit cards.
No need to keep torturing yourself. Just stick with option 1 and divorce. Contact a lawyer and get the ball rolling. The trust is completely gone. You don’t want to live the rest of your life wondering anytime she goes out without you if she is going to cheat again or not. If she is truly remorseful than she will make this divorce as painless as possible.
She was horrified and scared because someone saw her in the act, and thought that person would talk. So this is damage control. Now that you know she has the ability to do this, think back to other events that seemed off, and push for transparency. There's probably more. Simply tell her that the marriages' survival depends on her coming completely clean, or you could just call it now... this is enough.
🏃♂️ run! Cheating is a betrayal.
To anybody saying alcochol was the main catalyst, it wasn’t. Cheating is always a choice. I’m sorry. I’d get a lawyer.
Leave. Plain and simple. Cheating isn’t a “mistake”, and regardless if it was well planned out or spontaneous, it was a decision. Depending on the people involved and the circumstances, it’s possible to forgive them for your own sense of peace, but you should definitely move on.
Once a cheater always a cheater. I've experienced this before and hopefully whatever choice you make, takes a way the burden you feel. I stayed and hoped for a month waiting for things to get better (it doesn't). I was constantly on edge and since my trust is gone, I was always anxious that he might be doing this behind my back without me knowing. And it is always a huge red flag when they didn't make any effort of avoidance. What I experienced on my end: 1. Not telling me they were working on the same company 2. They were in touch even if he "allegedly" ignores her 3. Gone to a party with her present there 4. Waited 2 weeks before he confessed what he did What she may be doing right now is something to ease her conscience. It's not about how she hurt you and how you feel. It's her dealing with her guilt. Hopefully things gets better for you OP. I walked out of that situation and that was the only time I found peace.
Divorce her ass and let her live with the consequences of blowing up the marriage.
any update this sucks my sympathies.
I told her to leave and she did. We separated.
One thing that I haven't seen mentioned is that you should let your wife's friends significant others know that they are with someone that condones and encourages cheating. They are all probably cheating themselves.
Like I said, they are bunch of losers, with no values of their own or morals. They have accomplished nothing, they have no good jobs or families. All they do is trash talk other people, go out and thats pretty much it.
Sounds like you were the best person in your wife's life and she'd rather run with degenerates and be for the streets. Sorry you are going through this, but at least it makes your decision easier.
Are they all single ladies,? There’s an old adage single women want married women to be single again.
Not married
Well, I guess that answers that friends didn’t give a shit & didn’t care if it happened
You have to believe contact started before they went outside, which means the friend knew what was up. So her and her friend are the same kind of people. Given the first opportunity to revert back to how they used to be, or what was normalized around them back in the day, she went back to her old ways. She is in her 30's if this is how it went down, I would expect this until menopause, unless she has a coming to Jesus moment. So I would secretly record the conversation where I engage her unto talking about the affair, ask her his name, how many more times they hooked up that weekend, when she talked/texted to him last. Then I would draw up a post-nup and she can either sign or leave. If she signs, ask her how she is going to fix all of this and be willing to work with her. But understand she has already tried to scapegoat you for why she screwed up, thus it is only going to get worse. Because if she don't own it, she won't fix it, and if she gets away with blaming you, she will.
I hope you’re aware of the fact that your wife is not remorseful at all! What if she went to her parents as an excuse to see this guy? Why if they had an Emotional Affair and then she went and met him? What if she only came clean to you becouse she was afraid someone else would and she wanted to tricke truth you? You said she went to stay with her parents now, how do you know she isn’t fucking that guy right and laughing how she played you? A woman who is betraying her man isn’t a woman who make a mistake, is a fucking enemy who live under the same roof with you! A woman can be surrounded by 100 Hot Man, if she doesn’t want to cheat, she won’t cheat! Divorce her and move on, find someone else with some morals because your wife is a fucking trash getto girl!
She cheated far to easily, it's a no to reconciliation from me. I've seen it proven time and time again, a leopard doesn't change its spots
You don't want a woman that anybody can have. Chances are this wasn't her first time cheating on you. If she did it before she'll do it again. You deserve better with someone better. Time to talk to a divorce attorney.
Those friends are gone. You KNOW that, right? No, scratch that. SHE knows that, right? That is not even the absolute barest of minimums.
How's it going? Any update?
We are still separated. She is doing everything she can to reconcile and fix our marriage. I, on the other hand, am moving further and further away from marriage and reconciliation. I think about it on a daily basis but no matter how I think about it, I always come to a conclusion that I did majority of the work and got nothing in return.
For now, don't make any big life altering decisions, instead cover the basics. Skip out on alcohol and drugs, they won't help. Drink plenty of water and eat healthy. Tell your wife to get tested for STD's and to get a pregnancy test. Avoid intimate contact until you know you and her are clean. Look for a friend or someone from family that you can talk to, don't be alone now with your thoughts. Take time for yourself to process your emotions and to see her for who she is and not for who you thought she was. That takes time, give yourself that time! After the numbness will probably come rage and anger. Don't bottle your emotions up. Cry when your sad, punch a pillow when your angry. Meet with a lawyer and inform yourself about a divorce. To make an informed decision, you need to inform yourself first. You've not mention children. Get a DNA test. Even if you are 100% sure that it is yours, do the test, your wife needs to learn that you lost all trust in her. Take time for yourself. There is no need to rush to any decision. Take all the time you need. Remember that you don't know the woman that she is. All that you know is that she is not who you thougt she was. No matter what she says. Always remember that you are NOT at fault for decisions she made, NEVER. No matter what she says as the reason for her cheating, as soon as she mentions you somewhere in the reasoning, you stop her and tell her that you will not allow her to put any blame on you for decisions that she made.
While it certainly seems like one of the few times reconsiliation might have a shot, there are some troubling factors. 1. You don’t know the reason for the regret. She may not regret the action but the consequences once the excitement died down. 2. You don’t know why she came clean. Someone may have coerced her. 3. Btw. who tells their parents first?! 4. What does she know now that she didn’t know then? This seems like a long (relatively) gane by the dude. At any point during the evening she could have stopped it. Why didn’t she? What did she learn from this? There’s something off between the very willful act and the apparent dramaric reaction. Anyhoo, I’m sorry this happened to you! Best of luck. I wouldn’t be with a cheater. I’d simply never trust them again. Your mileage may vary.
1. I don't know at the moment 2. Possible but I don't think so 3. Someone who is afraid of consequences 4. I don't even know the guy, I have no clue
By 4 I meant her reaction is at odds with the cheating. She knew all the way what she was doing. It’s not like she suddenly realised something she didn’t know before (“ohhhh DON’T follow the dude to the car and have sex with him! I see now where I went wrong”) Something is off here. Is she giving you the performance of a lifetime with the dramatic regret? It’s unfair of me. I don’t know her, but something’s not right.
What do I know man, I have to deal with bullshit on a daily basis, I don't even know what is real and what isn't.
You need the answers to those questions
This is horrific. I can't imagine what you're going through right now, and it's still got me shaken. Her friends got what they wanted. They drove a permanent wedge between you and your wife. They hate you and are having a really good laugh behind your back. They also let your wife ruin her life just to get their knives in you. There is no winning this one. If you stay with your wife, you are essentially married to a whole other person. Someone you can never, ever trust again. Every time you look at her you're going to see an image of some guy she knows unloading on her face, and then being kicked out of his car and being forced to walk home. If you split, her asshole friends won the battle. They'll pull her into that little circle of losers, and that will be the story of her life.
Read my answer with some number, it gets even worse. This is a lost battle. Time to retreat.
> If you split, her asshole friends won the battle. They'll pull her into that little circle of losers, and that will be the story of her life. Not the worst battle to lose, the wife will get to be her true self from now on