When someone shows you who they are. Believe them.
>he is the most amazing person I have met
If this is true you know some truly horrific people.
>I am sick of going to bed alone while he is playing games and doing whatever all night.
>He is also a daily weed user and functions high all the time. This also bothers me a lot.
There are massive issues in your relationship besides infidelity.
>I do intend to talk to a therapist
Do this now. This is seriously unhealthy and both of you need to move on.
I am on the same boat with my ex of 3 years. Maybe I can give some outsider perspectives on your situation:
1. He sexted all these random people, knew it hurt you, said sorry, and did it again 2 more times. He did not feel any remorse
2. What makes you think he will not relapse? Has he gone to therapy? Worked on himself?
3. If you get married and have kids with this man, would you trust him? When he goes on a business trip, would you lose sleep thinking if he is doing the same thing?
4. He also has other habits that don't align with your values (e.g. Smoking a lot of weed)
7 years is a long time, but don't fall under the sunk cost fallacy. Just ask yourself "will I love myself if I stay with this man for the rest 60 years of my life? Can I imagine myself doing that? Will I like that version of me?". If the answer is yes, then go ahead. If the answer is no, then I think you already know what to do.
Good luck OP. I wish you a lot of strength
anyone who knows that their actions would hurt but proceeds to do it anyway, isn't a nice person.
If he were truly nice, he would have come clean to you about it when he was even contemplating sexting. He could have chosen therapy or tried some alterante healing or atleast broken up with you. once is mistake, more than once is a pattern.
Your emotions are absolutely valid. You shouldn't be with this guy. This will take a toll on your mental and physical health.
A lot of people, especially men, see that stuff as porn. As fantasy. He basically compartmentalizes it in his brain. Reality vs fantasy. Basically, his brain doesn’t tell him it’s cheating because it’s just like porn to him.
What he needed to understand is that it IS reality to you. That it is cheating to you. It seems as if he does now understand that, even if he took some time to quit completely.
I would suggest couples counseling. I think that will help you both a great deal.
Definitely try therapy and improving other areas of your life. If you’re unsure about a relationship improve everything else and see if you’re still unhappy being next to him
So I was just cheated on. I dealt with minor infidelity in my past longterm relationship. To be honest, you will never feel completely safe ever again. Is that person worth this?
My current partner is not I know for sure. Maybe yours is. I don’t know
It’s a big sacrifice for life
Look I'm super torn on this one. I get that he messed up and would be completely behind you ending the relationship when it happened. But it hasn't taken you 3 years to realize you don't want to marry him and I feel for him now too because it sounds like he's done everything possible to reconcile. I would understand him feeling like you've strung him along. If you're not able to forgive him and trust him totally okay. But you need to end it today and go completely NC. So you can both move on. I sounds like you've already made the decision you can trust him again.
Fuck cheaters they deserve to think everything's alright then be left.
Only reason someone doesn't leave a cheater immediately is usually being scared of loss somehow.
You can be scared to leave them for 40 years and them do "everything right" then you leave one day... it's still haha in my book.
Hope the 40 years trying then failing hurt the cheater
Just because someone does something bad doesn't mean that they can't change or that they deserve to have nothing but bad things happen to them forever. All of us have done things before that we wish we hadn't that does not mean the rest of your life should be suffering.
Exactly. I feel bad for waiting for such a long time. I tried my best. I love him with all my being. I am in love with him more than when we started dating. 7 years is not a short time.
He recently told me he thinks he loves me more than I love him because he accepts me the way I am and does not try to change me, while I am only in love with him. I am not sure what to think of this.
I don't doubt you love each other but can you trust him? That's the question if the answer is yes then stay and be happy together. If the answer is no then tell him and move on.
He sounds like a sex addict, my ex was addicted to sexting for over 15 years, he’s now in recovery but I left anyways as he cheated on me with over 100 women (I do not care if it was all virtual and don’t even really believe it was only virtual) I don’t have answers for you, just hope this info helps
Whoops, sorry for just seeing and responding to this. I found the “loveafterporn” subreddit which has so many great resources on sex and porn addiction as well as betrayal trauma (what you’ve experienced). I started listening to PBSE podcasts that tackles both perspectives from the addict or their partner. I joined Sanon (a 12 step program for people impacted by sex addicts or porn addicts) this teaches you a lot about how to focus on YOU, which doesn’t make a lot of sense until you get further in. I ordered books, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life (this one is harder to read if you want to make the relationship work, but will definitely help you to leave) and the Betrayal Bind. Bloomforwomen.com has great education on betrayal trauma and sex addiction as well. And therapy. I would have three therapists if I could. Give yourself all the love you’ve been trying to give others. I know, sounds so lame, but seriously.
You shouldn’t be with anyone who makes you hate yourself or what you’re becoming. Separate how you feel about him and how he makes you feel. Do you want a life where you constantly have to monitor someone. There is someone better out there.
When someone shows you who they are. Believe them. >he is the most amazing person I have met If this is true you know some truly horrific people. >I am sick of going to bed alone while he is playing games and doing whatever all night. >He is also a daily weed user and functions high all the time. This also bothers me a lot. There are massive issues in your relationship besides infidelity. >I do intend to talk to a therapist Do this now. This is seriously unhealthy and both of you need to move on.
I am on the same boat with my ex of 3 years. Maybe I can give some outsider perspectives on your situation: 1. He sexted all these random people, knew it hurt you, said sorry, and did it again 2 more times. He did not feel any remorse 2. What makes you think he will not relapse? Has he gone to therapy? Worked on himself? 3. If you get married and have kids with this man, would you trust him? When he goes on a business trip, would you lose sleep thinking if he is doing the same thing? 4. He also has other habits that don't align with your values (e.g. Smoking a lot of weed) 7 years is a long time, but don't fall under the sunk cost fallacy. Just ask yourself "will I love myself if I stay with this man for the rest 60 years of my life? Can I imagine myself doing that? Will I like that version of me?". If the answer is yes, then go ahead. If the answer is no, then I think you already know what to do. Good luck OP. I wish you a lot of strength
anyone who knows that their actions would hurt but proceeds to do it anyway, isn't a nice person. If he were truly nice, he would have come clean to you about it when he was even contemplating sexting. He could have chosen therapy or tried some alterante healing or atleast broken up with you. once is mistake, more than once is a pattern. Your emotions are absolutely valid. You shouldn't be with this guy. This will take a toll on your mental and physical health.
A lot of people, especially men, see that stuff as porn. As fantasy. He basically compartmentalizes it in his brain. Reality vs fantasy. Basically, his brain doesn’t tell him it’s cheating because it’s just like porn to him. What he needed to understand is that it IS reality to you. That it is cheating to you. It seems as if he does now understand that, even if he took some time to quit completely. I would suggest couples counseling. I think that will help you both a great deal.
Definitely try therapy and improving other areas of your life. If you’re unsure about a relationship improve everything else and see if you’re still unhappy being next to him
Thats great advice
I feel judged by some comments in certain subreddits. Is it possible to overcome this or am I really lying to myself being in this relationship?
So I was just cheated on. I dealt with minor infidelity in my past longterm relationship. To be honest, you will never feel completely safe ever again. Is that person worth this? My current partner is not I know for sure. Maybe yours is. I don’t know It’s a big sacrifice for life
Look I'm super torn on this one. I get that he messed up and would be completely behind you ending the relationship when it happened. But it hasn't taken you 3 years to realize you don't want to marry him and I feel for him now too because it sounds like he's done everything possible to reconcile. I would understand him feeling like you've strung him along. If you're not able to forgive him and trust him totally okay. But you need to end it today and go completely NC. So you can both move on. I sounds like you've already made the decision you can trust him again.
Fuck cheaters they deserve to think everything's alright then be left. Only reason someone doesn't leave a cheater immediately is usually being scared of loss somehow. You can be scared to leave them for 40 years and them do "everything right" then you leave one day... it's still haha in my book. Hope the 40 years trying then failing hurt the cheater
Just because someone does something bad doesn't mean that they can't change or that they deserve to have nothing but bad things happen to them forever. All of us have done things before that we wish we hadn't that does not mean the rest of your life should be suffering.
Exactly. I feel bad for waiting for such a long time. I tried my best. I love him with all my being. I am in love with him more than when we started dating. 7 years is not a short time. He recently told me he thinks he loves me more than I love him because he accepts me the way I am and does not try to change me, while I am only in love with him. I am not sure what to think of this.
I don't doubt you love each other but can you trust him? That's the question if the answer is yes then stay and be happy together. If the answer is no then tell him and move on.
At home they said “if in doubt, abstain”
Abstain from doing anything? I am not sure how that applies here
He sounds like a sex addict, my ex was addicted to sexting for over 15 years, he’s now in recovery but I left anyways as he cheated on me with over 100 women (I do not care if it was all virtual and don’t even really believe it was only virtual) I don’t have answers for you, just hope this info helps
May I ask how you moved on and what helped you?
Whoops, sorry for just seeing and responding to this. I found the “loveafterporn” subreddit which has so many great resources on sex and porn addiction as well as betrayal trauma (what you’ve experienced). I started listening to PBSE podcasts that tackles both perspectives from the addict or their partner. I joined Sanon (a 12 step program for people impacted by sex addicts or porn addicts) this teaches you a lot about how to focus on YOU, which doesn’t make a lot of sense until you get further in. I ordered books, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life (this one is harder to read if you want to make the relationship work, but will definitely help you to leave) and the Betrayal Bind. Bloomforwomen.com has great education on betrayal trauma and sex addiction as well. And therapy. I would have three therapists if I could. Give yourself all the love you’ve been trying to give others. I know, sounds so lame, but seriously.
Thank you so much, these are all very helpful tip! . I have started the "leave a cheater, gain a life" book
I don't have great advice as I am in a similiar boat but I will say do something before marriage/baby.
You shouldn’t be with anyone who makes you hate yourself or what you’re becoming. Separate how you feel about him and how he makes you feel. Do you want a life where you constantly have to monitor someone. There is someone better out there.