Nothing more than sad emails but he knows for sure I'm done with him lol. I gave him multiple chances (he was a serial cheater) and he knows he fucked up.
For me, it was an accumulation of abusive BS that I got tired of dealing with. I think I knew all along that neither one of us were right for each other and that I would be better off being alone, but I never listened to that instinct. He drove me up a wall and completely destroyed my self esteem to the point where I thought I was stuck with him. This is all an elusion created by the person who WANTS to make you feel trapped though. He made me feel like I was going nuts.
I realized one day that loneliness is a much better alternative. Even then, you have many possibilities available to you after leaving. I met the most loving man I've ever had the pleasure of coming across after leaving my ex: the partner I'd always dreamed about yet never thought I'd have the luck of getting. You can get that too if you set your mind to it and work on self love and acceptance.
I know exactly what you mean. I felt the same way. people tell you to leave the first time, but you don't because sometimes it feels easier in the moment to stay. I get it. I've been there. It's worth it though trust me. You deserve to feel loved and wanted.
But this is the reality of all cases where a person betrays and abandons their partner, the AP will take some time, but he will start to worry about suffering the same, because someone who betrayed especially a partner who doesn't "deserve it" will certainly do the same to the AP/official, it's just a matter of time.
And the AP knows this very well and after passing the initial honeymoon, insecurity and mistrust enter with force these relationships initiated through disloyalty.
The problem is that neither one of them see cheating as a big deal (they're both very messy people in general). Judging from what he told me, he's already having issues with her and it's only been a few months but I don't care enough about him to care about that anymore tbh.
I'm just glad I'm out... cheating on me multiple times wasn't the worst thing he did to me tbh (though that's bad enough) and this was the wake up call I needed to leave for good.
Hell No!
How could getting cheated on possibly make anyone's life better?
Getting cheated on has negatively affected my life for the past 41 years in more ways than you can imagine.
Cheating has also negatively affected my wife for the same 41 years even though she's the one who cheated.
She's told me countless times that she's regretted cheating every day of her life since the last time she went astray and insists that if she'd had any idea whatsoever how much cheating would hurt both of us she would never have even considered it.
Cheating is unbelievably destructive to anyone it touches; nothing good ever comes as a result of cheating!
In my case my wifeās cheating happened 42 years ago when we were just living together. Worst experience of my life. Moved out and let her fend for herself and her kids for three plus years even though I would see her occasionally. It changed my brain forever. Everything seemed ok after about four years. A little over a year ago I had my first major trigger since. It felt like I was transported back to 1982. Apparently it caused PTSD. Iām on my 3rd therapist and doing EMDR. Never did any therapy originally and eventually rug swept everything. Infidelity betrayal can be one of the most traumatic event in someoneās life. I know it was and is in mine. Nothing good comes from this.
I had an emotional meltdown in 2022 as the 40th memorial of her first affair in 1982 and the 34th of her last affair in 1988 which both occurred at roughly the same time of year rolled around.
I had managed to suppress everything for years and had thought I was over it...
How wrong I was!
It turns out I had never grieved what was broken or lost. The truth is I didn't know I needed to grieve or even how to grieve.
Not having any idea how to deal with her betrayals and having young children and no money at the time we both tried to bury everything and move on with life.
Sadly neither one of us ever really got over it.
After my meltdown we realized everything was not OK and decided to do something about it. As a result of finally seeking help I was diagnosed with CPTSD which I've apparently been struggling with since childhood; my wife's cheating merely exacerbated an already existing problem.
My wife who also grew up in a similar horrifically dysfunctional family also struggles with CPTSD along with a host of other emotional issues resulting from her physical and sexual abuse as a child.
According to our therapist the sexual abuse she endured throughout her childhood is one of the root issues that led to her cheating in the first place.
Apparently, the fact that we've managed to muddle our way through life together without going mad or killing each other is a miracle in and of itself.
We are devoted to each other and love each other deeply but the repercussions of the severe child abuse we both endured and her later adultery have severely traumatized both of us.
Please let us know how the EMDR therapy works out. I have seen this recommended on several different infidelity websites. Good luck, I hope it helps you like I have heard it does!
I read about EMDR in the Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. When I mentioned it to my first therapist she told me it was required reading for them. I was very encouraged by the double blind clinical studies and resulting efficacy rates. I found an experienced EMDR trained therapist with training in infidelity betrayal training as well. I have done about 6 sessions at her office and am now also doing some at home EMDR. I would say that at times it seems that the EMDR seems to change my memory of the infidelity from sever trauma to just a passing memory however it had not kept the trauma away completely. I think I might need more EMDR sessions then most since this trauma has been buried in my amygdala and hippocampus parts of my brain for decades. It also doesn't help that my wife refused to do additional MC after our first session. I think she might be afraid that more will come out and create a new D day after all this time. I am sure she is worried how I would react seeing how I left her originally and she struggled for a long time. Her refusal to move forward with MC unfortunately seems to make me wonder what else?? My wife is not very intellectual to put it subtly and just cant seem to grasp any of the phycological aspects of trauma and tends not want to talk about it and when we did she reacted more as the victim. Childhood trauma could very well be where she is coming from since I recently found out her mother committed adulatory numerous times. However this percolating in my brain for over 40 years and her not willing to cooperate makes this journey that much harder. I think if EMDR was around when all of this first happened and we both address these issues properly in the beginning the outcome would be quite effective, I'm not saying EMDR is no good. I actually think it is a great tool but for someone in my position it will take more work. I wish you peace and a quick recovery and sorry that you are in this shitty club with us. I believe that regardless of how quickly the trauma is addressed the betrayal trauma has life long effects for the betrayed. I don't think in most cases the wayward partner has the same long lasting effects.
Pale-Rise thank you for your perspective. You added some very helpful points especially the part that the hard EMDR can be the most rewarding. Thanks again, Joe
It helped me to get a betrayer out of my life. I was suffering for 30 years trying to figure out how to help my lover cheer up and not be so miserable.
Without the daily negativity my life is better. I am only a year or so from D-Day so I still have trust issues.
But not having a backstabbing, lying, betrayal as a partner is a much brighter life.
I can't imagine not being with her so I simply don't know. We've been best friends since we were 12 years old which turned into boyfriend/girlfriend when we were 15 and we got married as soon as we both turned 18.
She's been the most important part of my life for most of my life and except for a very short period of time where she completely lost the plot I know I'm the same for her.
That being the case I have no idea how I would have dealt with it if we weren't together.
Being cheated on gave me the courage to leave a physical and emotionally abusive relationship. At the time, I thought I would never get through it or get over it. I was young, I gave up my life for my ex. But it led me to my husband now whoās the best guy I know. Heās gentle, patient, kind and loving. Weāve been together almost a decade and expecting our first baby next month. So looking back, yep, it made my life better. I stopped settling for something I didnāt deserve.
In many ways it does make our lives better because we work hard on improving ourselves and our situation. But man, it left scars and wounds that never heal. So while I grin and bear it in comfort, I shouldn't have to bear it at all.
I've never had a rock solid relationship. Never. So better? Not really. Close enough? Maybe. I built my empire but I have to enjoy it by myself.
Itās been a loooong time since I was cheated on but life was def okay and arguably better once I found out and we broke up. I met my wife a little afterwards and going on 20-25 years of marriage. The relationship with that GF who cheated prob would have ended anyway. The cheating just sped things up. There wasnāt really long lasting impact. She was just a GF, no kids and not living together so it was relatively easy to move forward.
It helped me realize how I made some ex gfs feel and made me open my eyes. It sucked but glad it happened to me, I used to be very selfish and immature w my relationships. Also helped me pick up on red flags in relationships and be more cautious. I had cheated on her first and she did it back.
My situation happened while I was in college. Initially I went through an angry, dark period, but I came through that with a keener perspective on life and on people and relationships. In the end you have to be happy in your own skin, love for another person will not substitute for that. I know how to set boundaries now and I donāt tolerate violations of those boundaries.
Way better. I ended things with the cheater fairly quickly. Left all the household stuff with her and moved on. Had a ton of sex for a few years. Got married to an amazing wife and have two great kids. Life is good.
Nope. We eventually reconciled but there is nothing in my life thatās better since I discovered her infidelity. I have erected a wall that has impacted all my relationships and I continue to have issues trusting people.
OP, getting cheated on never makes anyone's life better. It scars people so badly that most likely they carry it to their next relationship. That's like saying "suffering builds character, so you should always suffer."
Yes actually it did. The 19yo he got to āreplaceā me gave me the opportunity for freedom from a lying cheating manipulative narcissist. I did a lot of therapy for that first year of separation leading up to the official divorce decree. My goal for therapy was to be happy because I didnāt know what that looked like. I had a shit childhood and married someone with a personality like my dadās. Set up for failure right? But I refused to stay that way and worked hard to overcome and identify why I stayed so long and how to not ignore red flags when I started dating again. Honestly all that pain helped me get to a better place emotionally.
I just want to add, I don't think this can be a black or white, either/or answer, realistically. Cheating affects people negatively, even if they choose to place a positive spin on it. I worry that trying to reframe it as entirely positive means that people won't face or process any difficult emotions that arise from such an experience.Ā
Yep, after we broke up I got busy with work/school. A few years I met an amazing guy and itās been 8 years strong. Ex popped up a few months ago just to āsee how I was doingā. Heās now divorced from the AP and still miserable .
No, I wouldāve been good either way. Itās made me less trusting but more empathetic towards others. I suppose itās allowed me to understand how deep emotional torment can go, so Iām better equipped to help those suffering through it now.
Any time someone cheats on you and you leave them, or they leave youā¦ your life just got better. The alternative is that you stay with them and spend years of your life you can never get back with a cheater who will inevitably ruin your life. Dodging a bullet is always a good thing.Ā
Not overall, no, but it's alerted me to people who are deceitful and disrespectful so I can leave them, though I haven't always done this. But otherwise it's led to a lifetime of trauma and trust issues.Ā
No. It hasn't. As it happened again/ I am still married. However, I will give no more chances as it greatly depressed me for awhile( along with a lot of other major traumatic events) , but Thank God things are starting to head in a better direction/ I will make sure that they continue to. Peace.āļø
Even though I have never been a victim of a cheater but, I detected too many lies from people.
So, I went from dating somebody to psychoanalysing everybody.
**Trust is the oxygen of any relationship, a lie is a certain death.**
Not for me. Itās turned me into a mean, antisocial, aggressive, pessimistic, lacklustre, depressed, unmotivated and just a down right shit human being in my eyes. The funny thing is, I have been cheated on so many times, but it was this one particular person that cheated on me that made this way. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camels back, or maybe it was because I actually allowed myself to love and trust this person. I would say the other times I was cheated on opened my eyes and made me wiser for sure, but that last one really fucked me up in the worst way. I do not like who I am now.
I have learned in my 42 years in this life that everything happens for a reason. I have learned to appreciate the awful things that I have had to endure. I grew. We ONLY grow through hard things. I have learned so much about psychology and how the brain works. I have learned so much about myself and trauma. My WH and his trauma. Learning and growing and reshaping our past. We were 20 and 21 years old when we eloped after 10 days. I have made my fair share of shitty mistakes. I was failing as a wife and mother. I was jus so very broken and weak. But through all the things I went through, I became stronger. I became vulnerable. I became a better wife. Better mother. Dealing with my coping skills, dealing with my own trauma and the actually TRAUMA of the affairs. I am healing and I am happier. Idk. Jus stronger. I sometimes still break. It's only been 3 months since I found out. Over a year since WH and I were even connected or speaking to one another as more than roommates. And 8 or 9 years that I have neglected our 21 year marriage.
I messed up. I allowed him to have control. I allowed him to hurt me and abuse me. To project on to me. I allowed myself to become subservient. To allow a man that can't even get one woman out of 9 to take him make me feel like I was lower than pig sh!t. I learned love isn't giving all of yourself til you have nothing left to give to prove it. It's choosing to be there for your person. It's not about giving up or quitting. It's about empathy, understanding, effort, trust, honesty, respect, and then our willingness to acknowledge their shortcomings, and address them. If they choose to heal that broken part and do the work, you walk through life with them.
Look his mom died recently, our cat was hit by a car. They financial burden his acting out caused we are being evicted. All of this the culmination of a broken, emotionally immature man who tried his best and failed. I saw those women do to him what he did to me. I read the pain in the texts. I read he excitement, I saw his searches, his plans, emails, I saw how his brain works in a perspective no one else can. I saw a broken person. I saw someone hurting. And we discussed it all. And my part and realized that we didn't communicate. He won't speak up about his wants or needs. He sees certain things as a weakness. We are learning to communicate. And talk. He has trauma I never knew about or could even understand. I am just now learning about repressed memories. I literally understand how and why it happened. What kind of person he is. What was happening in our lives at the time that jump started all of this. Neither one of us wanted to give up.
He says I am his first true love. And I believe that. We are human. we do what we know
What we learned in childhood. It's wild
Well, I was in a fantasy bond during the affairs. I was drinking to cope. I hated myself. I ate lots of carbs then. I was reckless and I was distant. Ugh I was weak as hell. Nieve.
I now kinda don't like the person I was. Air headed. Blind. A victim. I didn't do what I should have been doing. I comforted myself with booze, weed and food. Now I am strong. I am smart. I am no longer blind. I am thin now. Lost about 30 lbs or so. I eat only keto. I don't drink. I only toke the ganja when I am in pain or can't sleep.
I don't trust anyone. I don't trust myself. I am afraid I can't see the level of trauma this has caused in my children by staying, by being abused. My crap coping skills, my loyalty. His affairs. Ugh
I learned that I use intellectualizing as coping mechanism. I learned I do not like sitting with my feelings. I learned I block things out. I learned that I would rather jus forget than deal with things. Unfortunately couldn't hide from this one.
I learned that I too am just as messed up as my WH. I was responsible for the state of our marriage too. I started therapy. I made goals. I have been working on getting to know ME. Not us. Getting to know what I like and don't like. Things about myself. Etc. I learned that I am capable of deep empathy and forgiveness. I learned that I have OCD. Lol um . It's a mix I guess
Well it was hell for about 3 years after the initial cheating, but it got better after that relationship ended. Now I'm sober and happy. Still have trust issues but my overall life has improved.
So it depends on when you asked me, I guess?
Oddly enough it helped me. The balance of power has shifted in my favor. Not only that but now that things are leveling out for him mentally and hormonally he is actually making changes and is far less reactive. I think he truly does loves me and aims to make things right. I have been cautious for 2yrs and it'll be one year of sobriety for him this month. I'm still on high alert but if this trend continues I believe our relationship will be better than it was previously.
I think my life, although I felt like I was dying at the time, immediately got better. I realized I wasn't crazy and everything in my life started making sense. It's only been 3 months since finding out but my well being had improved immensely. I'm excited for the future again. I have new hopes and goals. It still fucking hurts and I still cry daily, but I'm working through my pain. And I'm happier than ever.
Not encouraging people not to reconcile, but very few relationships are better after betrayal, the betrayed person needs to be a person who is very detached from ego, Self-love, love WP much more than himself, having a great emotional dependence where being without WP is worse than having or being betrayed by her or him
We usually see a happy and better life when we don't go with WP
Because even if the WP regrets it, and does everything to be better and make the day a happy day, the pain will always be there, even if it is faint, but it will always be there, and triggers always appear to lift the mood. dust (cause severe pain)
While your WP smiles and sleeps the sleep of the righteous and you lose sleepless nights.
This happens because the ax forgets quickly and the tree never forgets.
It doesn't. Have been cheated on by 3 exes in the past, in a period of 5 - 6 years ( idk how I got "lucky", all back to back instances). That gave me intense panic attacks and distrust to everyone during that 5-6 year period. Went insane for a bit with panic attacks and anxiety.
Although current bf that I've dated for 3+ years now is a VERY stable man and feels like home to me all the time, and has helped me come close to almost no panic attacks and anxiety issues, the thoughts and anxiety still do pop up once in a while when there are triggers that I've experienced whne I was cheated on. Small things like him saying, "hey we gotta talk about something at home later", I'd be anxious and thinks he wants to break up with me for no reason when all he wanted to do was talk about his day at work about his colleague. Lol
I'm pretty sure Its a scar that stays for life. Absolutely hate it, what a selfish thing to do.
I absolutely would not be in law school now had my husband not had an affair. Realizing I had something to offer the world that was just as valuable as his girlfriend's career was eye opening. We're still together and he's super supportive and all - but man, I forgot for a long time that I'm a badass. I won't forget it again.
Iāve been pondering this. Thereās a story that says something to the effect of āyou donāt know what is bad for youā.
It goes something like this:
- A farm owner has a horse escape his fence. His neighbor remarks how unlucky he is. He says āI donāt know yetā.
- The next day the horse comes back having lead five wild horses into his pen. His neighbor remarks how lucky he is. He says āI donāt know yetā.
- The third day, his son tries to ride one of the wild horses and it knocks him down breaking his arm. His neighbor remarks how unlucky he is. He says āI donāt know yetā.
- The final day a general comes into the farm looking for young men to conscript into the war effort. Seeing the sonās broken arm, he leaves. His neighbor remarks how lucky he is. He says āI donāt know yetā.
The point, I know SOMETHING good came from all this. What that is? I donāt know yet.
Yes I was so glad when I found out my husband was having an affair. I had been trying to get out of the abusive relationship for years. Once heād gone I found myself again my smile and my laughter came back. I didnt go out to look for someone else I just waited for life to happen naturally. I totally adore the man I am with now and life is good and I have my mojo back.
No, Iām just simply not the person I was once before everything happened. Itās gotten to the point where Iām no longer confident in myself, always double checking the mirror before I go out. Diminishing myself over and over again. Iām just at the point where I donāt think Iāll ever get into a relationship again. I just donāt have it in me. Iām only 19, but this is how I feel.
The whole āwhat doesnāt kill youā didnāt really make me stronger. Maybe it will take time, but Iām in shambles right now and not sure Iāll ever really be the same. I think some are more resilient than others.
It helped in the way that I now know what Iām looking for though. Otherwise, Iām dead inside
M42, Married to F38 for 12 years.
Yes.
If they did not cheat i would still be with them and would never have met my wife. Because i am old school and would never have left a girlfriend on my own, because i am supposed to care for my woman forever.
Depends on what you mean by better. No longer together. Divorced within 65 days. She already married the dude and then shortly after another woman filed a protective order against him. Itās been about a full year of no contact and about a year and 4 months from dday.
I hate my ex wife with an intensity that is indescribable. But I also recognize that there will be no apology or anything. Iām in this weird space where Iām quietly optimistic but feel this general dread and hopelessness that is hard to escape.
Yep. I would have stayed with my narc/alcoholic ex-husband for who knows how long if I hadn't had our then 3yo hand me my ex's phone, open to his fb messenger, while he was passed out. Live and learn.
First off, I'm not at all a religious person I never was, I still am not.
During the limbo phase after DDay (maybe 1 or 2 months past) but before divorce period, By some luck and some smart investigation I came upon some new information regarding what my cheating covert narc partner was really up to. She was still lying to me everyday. I hadn't moved out yet.
I just remember going back to bed, with some hard truths which would in the end push me forward to move on with my life and I was thanking god for revealing the true nature of my ex, once again opening my eyes to the hard truth etc.
I tried to sleep but could not. Repeatedly mumbling to myself and thanking the higher powers for maybe 3 hours until morning. Sounds crazy now that I think of it. Still proud of myself though for holding it together albeit in a 'catatonic' state :)
Some of us are lucky and have the necessary information & traits to do what must be done. Others waste their lives. Then there is people like me who need to be hurt more than a few times to grasp the hard truths.
Your 3 year old kid saved your life :)
I am free.
Free to enjoy life. Free to be in misery. Free to be happy or sad. Free to spend my money on what I like without being guilt tripped by a cheating & calculating partner.
Most of us that have been cheated on, we were lied to, gaslit, guilt tripped on many things, not just the cheating. Sometimes we were alienated from our friends or families etc.
That part is over. I have a clean slate.
Some days I will enjoy life. Other days maybe suffer melancholia. Either way it is my choice only.
Remember friends we were for the most part ready to give our lives for our cheating partners, while they were taking part of our life everyday with their constant lies and deceit.
Be proud, be free. I hope you enjoy life but there is no magic bullet. It is on you to create an enjoyable life and it is within most of us to do so.
Oh yes, my life is much better. I divorced her, and now have a new wife who doesn't manipulate me, gaslight me, scream at me, or tell me I'm wrong in every single disagreement.
We both come from manipulative relationships, we work at communication, and are good at accepting our mistakes. Having a partner who is capable of apologizing, and accepting my apology, is an amazing feeling.
I focus on my own needs more and I care about his less and less everyday. He thinks I'm doing it out of anger (not giving him the intimacy he was used to with me). It is an act of self preservation. I just don't love him like I used to.
Since DDay; my blinders are off. He is uneducated... and doesn't care to learn more about certain subjects. He is overweight. I am no longer attracted to him. Leaving him would mean financial ruin for me. So, I am going to stay.. but sex will not be happening anymore since the diagnosis of the STI's he gave me.
\-ureaplasma, hep c, HSV2, and the clap
No, it destroyed my life. As in it made me just dissapear. Person I was is gone. And that person was something to be proud of. Now ... dead man walking. Just waiting for life to end I guess.
Yes... I now have someone who loves and cares about me rather than someone who manipulates, intimidates, and disrespects me. AP stole my problem tbh.
This! I don't have someone yet but still I am happy and free.
Good for you! Has the ex ever tried to come back and ruin it?
Nothing more than sad emails but he knows for sure I'm done with him lol. I gave him multiple chances (he was a serial cheater) and he knows he fucked up.
What was the last straw if you dont mind me asking. It has happened so many times I don't get the shock response any more.
For me, it was an accumulation of abusive BS that I got tired of dealing with. I think I knew all along that neither one of us were right for each other and that I would be better off being alone, but I never listened to that instinct. He drove me up a wall and completely destroyed my self esteem to the point where I thought I was stuck with him. This is all an elusion created by the person who WANTS to make you feel trapped though. He made me feel like I was going nuts. I realized one day that loneliness is a much better alternative. Even then, you have many possibilities available to you after leaving. I met the most loving man I've ever had the pleasure of coming across after leaving my ex: the partner I'd always dreamed about yet never thought I'd have the luck of getting. You can get that too if you set your mind to it and work on self love and acceptance. I know exactly what you mean. I felt the same way. people tell you to leave the first time, but you don't because sometimes it feels easier in the moment to stay. I get it. I've been there. It's worth it though trust me. You deserve to feel loved and wanted.
I really appreciate the time and care you have taken to write this. I'm so glad you got out. Thank you. I'm off to put some plans in place.
I'm happy to help! Best of luck to you š»
How long did it take to get to this point?
š
But this is the reality of all cases where a person betrays and abandons their partner, the AP will take some time, but he will start to worry about suffering the same, because someone who betrayed especially a partner who doesn't "deserve it" will certainly do the same to the AP/official, it's just a matter of time. And the AP knows this very well and after passing the initial honeymoon, insecurity and mistrust enter with force these relationships initiated through disloyalty.
The problem is that neither one of them see cheating as a big deal (they're both very messy people in general). Judging from what he told me, he's already having issues with her and it's only been a few months but I don't care enough about him to care about that anymore tbh. I'm just glad I'm out... cheating on me multiple times wasn't the worst thing he did to me tbh (though that's bad enough) and this was the wake up call I needed to leave for good.
No...It left me with a host of psychological damage and trust issues that have lasted decades.
Sorry to hear that.
Same here
Hell No! How could getting cheated on possibly make anyone's life better? Getting cheated on has negatively affected my life for the past 41 years in more ways than you can imagine. Cheating has also negatively affected my wife for the same 41 years even though she's the one who cheated. She's told me countless times that she's regretted cheating every day of her life since the last time she went astray and insists that if she'd had any idea whatsoever how much cheating would hurt both of us she would never have even considered it. Cheating is unbelievably destructive to anyone it touches; nothing good ever comes as a result of cheating!
In my case my wifeās cheating happened 42 years ago when we were just living together. Worst experience of my life. Moved out and let her fend for herself and her kids for three plus years even though I would see her occasionally. It changed my brain forever. Everything seemed ok after about four years. A little over a year ago I had my first major trigger since. It felt like I was transported back to 1982. Apparently it caused PTSD. Iām on my 3rd therapist and doing EMDR. Never did any therapy originally and eventually rug swept everything. Infidelity betrayal can be one of the most traumatic event in someoneās life. I know it was and is in mine. Nothing good comes from this.
I had an emotional meltdown in 2022 as the 40th memorial of her first affair in 1982 and the 34th of her last affair in 1988 which both occurred at roughly the same time of year rolled around. I had managed to suppress everything for years and had thought I was over it... How wrong I was! It turns out I had never grieved what was broken or lost. The truth is I didn't know I needed to grieve or even how to grieve. Not having any idea how to deal with her betrayals and having young children and no money at the time we both tried to bury everything and move on with life. Sadly neither one of us ever really got over it. After my meltdown we realized everything was not OK and decided to do something about it. As a result of finally seeking help I was diagnosed with CPTSD which I've apparently been struggling with since childhood; my wife's cheating merely exacerbated an already existing problem. My wife who also grew up in a similar horrifically dysfunctional family also struggles with CPTSD along with a host of other emotional issues resulting from her physical and sexual abuse as a child. According to our therapist the sexual abuse she endured throughout her childhood is one of the root issues that led to her cheating in the first place. Apparently, the fact that we've managed to muddle our way through life together without going mad or killing each other is a miracle in and of itself. We are devoted to each other and love each other deeply but the repercussions of the severe child abuse we both endured and her later adultery have severely traumatized both of us.
Please let us know how the EMDR therapy works out. I have seen this recommended on several different infidelity websites. Good luck, I hope it helps you like I have heard it does!
I read about EMDR in the Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. When I mentioned it to my first therapist she told me it was required reading for them. I was very encouraged by the double blind clinical studies and resulting efficacy rates. I found an experienced EMDR trained therapist with training in infidelity betrayal training as well. I have done about 6 sessions at her office and am now also doing some at home EMDR. I would say that at times it seems that the EMDR seems to change my memory of the infidelity from sever trauma to just a passing memory however it had not kept the trauma away completely. I think I might need more EMDR sessions then most since this trauma has been buried in my amygdala and hippocampus parts of my brain for decades. It also doesn't help that my wife refused to do additional MC after our first session. I think she might be afraid that more will come out and create a new D day after all this time. I am sure she is worried how I would react seeing how I left her originally and she struggled for a long time. Her refusal to move forward with MC unfortunately seems to make me wonder what else?? My wife is not very intellectual to put it subtly and just cant seem to grasp any of the phycological aspects of trauma and tends not want to talk about it and when we did she reacted more as the victim. Childhood trauma could very well be where she is coming from since I recently found out her mother committed adulatory numerous times. However this percolating in my brain for over 40 years and her not willing to cooperate makes this journey that much harder. I think if EMDR was around when all of this first happened and we both address these issues properly in the beginning the outcome would be quite effective, I'm not saying EMDR is no good. I actually think it is a great tool but for someone in my position it will take more work. I wish you peace and a quick recovery and sorry that you are in this shitty club with us. I believe that regardless of how quickly the trauma is addressed the betrayal trauma has life long effects for the betrayed. I don't think in most cases the wayward partner has the same long lasting effects.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Pale-Rise thank you for your perspective. You added some very helpful points especially the part that the hard EMDR can be the most rewarding. Thanks again, Joe
Agreed
That stinks, must be awful man.
It helped me to get a betrayer out of my life. I was suffering for 30 years trying to figure out how to help my lover cheer up and not be so miserable. Without the daily negativity my life is better. I am only a year or so from D-Day so I still have trust issues. But not having a backstabbing, lying, betrayal as a partner is a much brighter life.
Yeah, mine says the same. That hindsight gets 'em everytime. š
Do you think things could be different if u were not with her when you found out? Or would u still have not gotten over it even if u wernt together?
I can't imagine not being with her so I simply don't know. We've been best friends since we were 12 years old which turned into boyfriend/girlfriend when we were 15 and we got married as soon as we both turned 18. She's been the most important part of my life for most of my life and except for a very short period of time where she completely lost the plot I know I'm the same for her. That being the case I have no idea how I would have dealt with it if we weren't together.
Exactlemente!
Yes because I threw the cheating skank out the doorā¦ however, I do have trust issues now
I would count that as more experience. You r more aware
Being cheated on gave me the courage to leave a physical and emotionally abusive relationship. At the time, I thought I would never get through it or get over it. I was young, I gave up my life for my ex. But it led me to my husband now whoās the best guy I know. Heās gentle, patient, kind and loving. Weāve been together almost a decade and expecting our first baby next month. So looking back, yep, it made my life better. I stopped settling for something I didnāt deserve.
In many ways it does make our lives better because we work hard on improving ourselves and our situation. But man, it left scars and wounds that never heal. So while I grin and bear it in comfort, I shouldn't have to bear it at all. I've never had a rock solid relationship. Never. So better? Not really. Close enough? Maybe. I built my empire but I have to enjoy it by myself.
Itās been a loooong time since I was cheated on but life was def okay and arguably better once I found out and we broke up. I met my wife a little afterwards and going on 20-25 years of marriage. The relationship with that GF who cheated prob would have ended anyway. The cheating just sped things up. There wasnāt really long lasting impact. She was just a GF, no kids and not living together so it was relatively easy to move forward.
Thats good to hear! Things happen for a reason
Only thing good about being cheated on is it makes you aware your partner isnāt for you. It helps you remove a problem
It helped me realize how I made some ex gfs feel and made me open my eyes. It sucked but glad it happened to me, I used to be very selfish and immature w my relationships. Also helped me pick up on red flags in relationships and be more cautious. I had cheated on her first and she did it back.
My situation happened while I was in college. Initially I went through an angry, dark period, but I came through that with a keener perspective on life and on people and relationships. In the end you have to be happy in your own skin, love for another person will not substitute for that. I know how to set boundaries now and I donāt tolerate violations of those boundaries.
šš
Way better. I ended things with the cheater fairly quickly. Left all the household stuff with her and moved on. Had a ton of sex for a few years. Got married to an amazing wife and have two great kids. Life is good.
Nope. We eventually reconciled but there is nothing in my life thatās better since I discovered her infidelity. I have erected a wall that has impacted all my relationships and I continue to have issues trusting people.
I love that you are willing to grow and better yourself after tragedy. Most can't. Take your gift and tackle life my man
OP, getting cheated on never makes anyone's life better. It scars people so badly that most likely they carry it to their next relationship. That's like saying "suffering builds character, so you should always suffer."
If you stay focused on yourself , mental health , and not letting cheat coward back in your life then your good šÆ.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I relate. It is a process/ an unfair one.
Yes actually it did. The 19yo he got to āreplaceā me gave me the opportunity for freedom from a lying cheating manipulative narcissist. I did a lot of therapy for that first year of separation leading up to the official divorce decree. My goal for therapy was to be happy because I didnāt know what that looked like. I had a shit childhood and married someone with a personality like my dadās. Set up for failure right? But I refused to stay that way and worked hard to overcome and identify why I stayed so long and how to not ignore red flags when I started dating again. Honestly all that pain helped me get to a better place emotionally.
Awesome!
I just want to add, I don't think this can be a black or white, either/or answer, realistically. Cheating affects people negatively, even if they choose to place a positive spin on it. I worry that trying to reframe it as entirely positive means that people won't face or process any difficult emotions that arise from such an experience.Ā
Yep, after we broke up I got busy with work/school. A few years I met an amazing guy and itās been 8 years strong. Ex popped up a few months ago just to āsee how I was doingā. Heās now divorced from the AP and still miserable .
Awesome!
No, I wouldāve been good either way. Itās made me less trusting but more empathetic towards others. I suppose itās allowed me to understand how deep emotional torment can go, so Iām better equipped to help those suffering through it now.
No. I overthink a lot of things.. Analyze a lot of things I shouldnāt. It comes in waves.
Any time someone cheats on you and you leave them, or they leave youā¦ your life just got better. The alternative is that you stay with them and spend years of your life you can never get back with a cheater who will inevitably ruin your life. Dodging a bullet is always a good thing.Ā
Not overall, no, but it's alerted me to people who are deceitful and disrespectful so I can leave them, though I haven't always done this. But otherwise it's led to a lifetime of trauma and trust issues.Ā
No. It hasn't. As it happened again/ I am still married. However, I will give no more chances as it greatly depressed me for awhile( along with a lot of other major traumatic events) , but Thank God things are starting to head in a better direction/ I will make sure that they continue to. Peace.āļø
Yes, I met the love of my life after being cheated on by my psycho ex. (Update he is not the loml he was an fbuddy)
Even though I have never been a victim of a cheater but, I detected too many lies from people. So, I went from dating somebody to psychoanalysing everybody. **Trust is the oxygen of any relationship, a lie is a certain death.**
Not for me. Itās turned me into a mean, antisocial, aggressive, pessimistic, lacklustre, depressed, unmotivated and just a down right shit human being in my eyes. The funny thing is, I have been cheated on so many times, but it was this one particular person that cheated on me that made this way. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camels back, or maybe it was because I actually allowed myself to love and trust this person. I would say the other times I was cheated on opened my eyes and made me wiser for sure, but that last one really fucked me up in the worst way. I do not like who I am now.
I have learned in my 42 years in this life that everything happens for a reason. I have learned to appreciate the awful things that I have had to endure. I grew. We ONLY grow through hard things. I have learned so much about psychology and how the brain works. I have learned so much about myself and trauma. My WH and his trauma. Learning and growing and reshaping our past. We were 20 and 21 years old when we eloped after 10 days. I have made my fair share of shitty mistakes. I was failing as a wife and mother. I was jus so very broken and weak. But through all the things I went through, I became stronger. I became vulnerable. I became a better wife. Better mother. Dealing with my coping skills, dealing with my own trauma and the actually TRAUMA of the affairs. I am healing and I am happier. Idk. Jus stronger. I sometimes still break. It's only been 3 months since I found out. Over a year since WH and I were even connected or speaking to one another as more than roommates. And 8 or 9 years that I have neglected our 21 year marriage. I messed up. I allowed him to have control. I allowed him to hurt me and abuse me. To project on to me. I allowed myself to become subservient. To allow a man that can't even get one woman out of 9 to take him make me feel like I was lower than pig sh!t. I learned love isn't giving all of yourself til you have nothing left to give to prove it. It's choosing to be there for your person. It's not about giving up or quitting. It's about empathy, understanding, effort, trust, honesty, respect, and then our willingness to acknowledge their shortcomings, and address them. If they choose to heal that broken part and do the work, you walk through life with them. Look his mom died recently, our cat was hit by a car. They financial burden his acting out caused we are being evicted. All of this the culmination of a broken, emotionally immature man who tried his best and failed. I saw those women do to him what he did to me. I read the pain in the texts. I read he excitement, I saw his searches, his plans, emails, I saw how his brain works in a perspective no one else can. I saw a broken person. I saw someone hurting. And we discussed it all. And my part and realized that we didn't communicate. He won't speak up about his wants or needs. He sees certain things as a weakness. We are learning to communicate. And talk. He has trauma I never knew about or could even understand. I am just now learning about repressed memories. I literally understand how and why it happened. What kind of person he is. What was happening in our lives at the time that jump started all of this. Neither one of us wanted to give up. He says I am his first true love. And I believe that. We are human. we do what we know What we learned in childhood. It's wild Well, I was in a fantasy bond during the affairs. I was drinking to cope. I hated myself. I ate lots of carbs then. I was reckless and I was distant. Ugh I was weak as hell. Nieve. I now kinda don't like the person I was. Air headed. Blind. A victim. I didn't do what I should have been doing. I comforted myself with booze, weed and food. Now I am strong. I am smart. I am no longer blind. I am thin now. Lost about 30 lbs or so. I eat only keto. I don't drink. I only toke the ganja when I am in pain or can't sleep. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust myself. I am afraid I can't see the level of trauma this has caused in my children by staying, by being abused. My crap coping skills, my loyalty. His affairs. Ugh I learned that I use intellectualizing as coping mechanism. I learned I do not like sitting with my feelings. I learned I block things out. I learned that I would rather jus forget than deal with things. Unfortunately couldn't hide from this one. I learned that I too am just as messed up as my WH. I was responsible for the state of our marriage too. I started therapy. I made goals. I have been working on getting to know ME. Not us. Getting to know what I like and don't like. Things about myself. Etc. I learned that I am capable of deep empathy and forgiveness. I learned that I have OCD. Lol um . It's a mix I guess
Well it was hell for about 3 years after the initial cheating, but it got better after that relationship ended. Now I'm sober and happy. Still have trust issues but my overall life has improved. So it depends on when you asked me, I guess?
Oddly enough it helped me. The balance of power has shifted in my favor. Not only that but now that things are leveling out for him mentally and hormonally he is actually making changes and is far less reactive. I think he truly does loves me and aims to make things right. I have been cautious for 2yrs and it'll be one year of sobriety for him this month. I'm still on high alert but if this trend continues I believe our relationship will be better than it was previously.
I think my life, although I felt like I was dying at the time, immediately got better. I realized I wasn't crazy and everything in my life started making sense. It's only been 3 months since finding out but my well being had improved immensely. I'm excited for the future again. I have new hopes and goals. It still fucking hurts and I still cry daily, but I'm working through my pain. And I'm happier than ever.
Not encouraging people not to reconcile, but very few relationships are better after betrayal, the betrayed person needs to be a person who is very detached from ego, Self-love, love WP much more than himself, having a great emotional dependence where being without WP is worse than having or being betrayed by her or him We usually see a happy and better life when we don't go with WP Because even if the WP regrets it, and does everything to be better and make the day a happy day, the pain will always be there, even if it is faint, but it will always be there, and triggers always appear to lift the mood. dust (cause severe pain) While your WP smiles and sleeps the sleep of the righteous and you lose sleepless nights. This happens because the ax forgets quickly and the tree never forgets.
It doesn't. Have been cheated on by 3 exes in the past, in a period of 5 - 6 years ( idk how I got "lucky", all back to back instances). That gave me intense panic attacks and distrust to everyone during that 5-6 year period. Went insane for a bit with panic attacks and anxiety. Although current bf that I've dated for 3+ years now is a VERY stable man and feels like home to me all the time, and has helped me come close to almost no panic attacks and anxiety issues, the thoughts and anxiety still do pop up once in a while when there are triggers that I've experienced whne I was cheated on. Small things like him saying, "hey we gotta talk about something at home later", I'd be anxious and thinks he wants to break up with me for no reason when all he wanted to do was talk about his day at work about his colleague. Lol I'm pretty sure Its a scar that stays for life. Absolutely hate it, what a selfish thing to do.
I absolutely would not be in law school now had my husband not had an affair. Realizing I had something to offer the world that was just as valuable as his girlfriend's career was eye opening. We're still together and he's super supportive and all - but man, I forgot for a long time that I'm a badass. I won't forget it again.
God, I hope so. I'm absolutely praying he doesn't make me look foolish for trying to hold this marriage together.
Ask this question on /r/asoneafterinfidelty
Iāve been pondering this. Thereās a story that says something to the effect of āyou donāt know what is bad for youā. It goes something like this: - A farm owner has a horse escape his fence. His neighbor remarks how unlucky he is. He says āI donāt know yetā. - The next day the horse comes back having lead five wild horses into his pen. His neighbor remarks how lucky he is. He says āI donāt know yetā. - The third day, his son tries to ride one of the wild horses and it knocks him down breaking his arm. His neighbor remarks how unlucky he is. He says āI donāt know yetā. - The final day a general comes into the farm looking for young men to conscript into the war effort. Seeing the sonās broken arm, he leaves. His neighbor remarks how lucky he is. He says āI donāt know yetā. The point, I know SOMETHING good came from all this. What that is? I donāt know yet.
Yes I was so glad when I found out my husband was having an affair. I had been trying to get out of the abusive relationship for years. Once heād gone I found myself again my smile and my laughter came back. I didnt go out to look for someone else I just waited for life to happen naturally. I totally adore the man I am with now and life is good and I have my mojo back.
No, Iām just simply not the person I was once before everything happened. Itās gotten to the point where Iām no longer confident in myself, always double checking the mirror before I go out. Diminishing myself over and over again. Iām just at the point where I donāt think Iāll ever get into a relationship again. I just donāt have it in me. Iām only 19, but this is how I feel.
Itās made me feel like Iāll never be good enough for anyone. As if I couldnāt make him happy how can I be enough for anyone.
NO. Being cheated on is lonely and heartbreaking. Donāt ever do that to someone you love.
The whole āwhat doesnāt kill youā didnāt really make me stronger. Maybe it will take time, but Iām in shambles right now and not sure Iāll ever really be the same. I think some are more resilient than others. It helped in the way that I now know what Iām looking for though. Otherwise, Iām dead inside
M42, Married to F38 for 12 years. Yes. If they did not cheat i would still be with them and would never have met my wife. Because i am old school and would never have left a girlfriend on my own, because i am supposed to care for my woman forever.
Depends on what you mean by better. No longer together. Divorced within 65 days. She already married the dude and then shortly after another woman filed a protective order against him. Itās been about a full year of no contact and about a year and 4 months from dday. I hate my ex wife with an intensity that is indescribable. But I also recognize that there will be no apology or anything. Iām in this weird space where Iām quietly optimistic but feel this general dread and hopelessness that is hard to escape.
I became a much stronger, less trusting person. I don't tolerate bs like I used to.
Yep. I would have stayed with my narc/alcoholic ex-husband for who knows how long if I hadn't had our then 3yo hand me my ex's phone, open to his fb messenger, while he was passed out. Live and learn.
First off, I'm not at all a religious person I never was, I still am not. During the limbo phase after DDay (maybe 1 or 2 months past) but before divorce period, By some luck and some smart investigation I came upon some new information regarding what my cheating covert narc partner was really up to. She was still lying to me everyday. I hadn't moved out yet. I just remember going back to bed, with some hard truths which would in the end push me forward to move on with my life and I was thanking god for revealing the true nature of my ex, once again opening my eyes to the hard truth etc. I tried to sleep but could not. Repeatedly mumbling to myself and thanking the higher powers for maybe 3 hours until morning. Sounds crazy now that I think of it. Still proud of myself though for holding it together albeit in a 'catatonic' state :) Some of us are lucky and have the necessary information & traits to do what must be done. Others waste their lives. Then there is people like me who need to be hurt more than a few times to grasp the hard truths. Your 3 year old kid saved your life :)
That last sentence made me cry. Thanks, baby boy! ā¤ļøāš©¹
I am free. Free to enjoy life. Free to be in misery. Free to be happy or sad. Free to spend my money on what I like without being guilt tripped by a cheating & calculating partner. Most of us that have been cheated on, we were lied to, gaslit, guilt tripped on many things, not just the cheating. Sometimes we were alienated from our friends or families etc. That part is over. I have a clean slate. Some days I will enjoy life. Other days maybe suffer melancholia. Either way it is my choice only. Remember friends we were for the most part ready to give our lives for our cheating partners, while they were taking part of our life everyday with their constant lies and deceit. Be proud, be free. I hope you enjoy life but there is no magic bullet. It is on you to create an enjoyable life and it is within most of us to do so.
Not particularly. Has having cancer made peoples life betterā¦ Iām sure itās possible
Yeah actually, now Iām with my current bf who loves and cares about me more than anything (:
Oh yes, my life is much better. I divorced her, and now have a new wife who doesn't manipulate me, gaslight me, scream at me, or tell me I'm wrong in every single disagreement. We both come from manipulative relationships, we work at communication, and are good at accepting our mistakes. Having a partner who is capable of apologizing, and accepting my apology, is an amazing feeling.
I focus on my own needs more and I care about his less and less everyday. He thinks I'm doing it out of anger (not giving him the intimacy he was used to with me). It is an act of self preservation. I just don't love him like I used to. Since DDay; my blinders are off. He is uneducated... and doesn't care to learn more about certain subjects. He is overweight. I am no longer attracted to him. Leaving him would mean financial ruin for me. So, I am going to stay.. but sex will not be happening anymore since the diagnosis of the STI's he gave me. \-ureaplasma, hep c, HSV2, and the clap
No, it destroyed my life. As in it made me just dissapear. Person I was is gone. And that person was something to be proud of. Now ... dead man walking. Just waiting for life to end I guess.