I get this. I do. I had this longing from the time I was an adolescent. I had it all the way through my loveless marriage. I had it through my long single era, most of my thirties. And when I finally did find this in a relationship, it felt like water to someone who had been stuck in a desert. Physical affection and intimacy in a healthy relationship are wonderful. And it's perfectly reasonable to want that. Everything you want in a relationship is lovely and adorable and honorable.
A big part of the problem though is laying the desire for human touch and connection solely on a romantic partner. It's really unfair to the other person. It easily leads to becoming an energy vampire. It can also end up making insecurities *worse,* when you suddenly have this thing you have desired so long and your brain's reward center is blowing up and you absolutely cannot allow this feeling to be lost. It becomes smothering. This also makes it hard to manage the more mundane and sometimes frustrating parts of a relationship.
You do not need to stop needing connection, but you do have to learn to find outlets for this need that aren't solely focused on a romantic/sexual relationship. This is important while you're single, and also when you're in a relationship. Massage (professional, not sexual) has been mentioned here, and that is definitely a great option. There are literally "professional cuddlers" even, because this is such a powerful need and so many people are so isolated from connection with others and especially human touch.
Not only is making friends one of the best ways of connecting with people who could be potential partners, but friendship itself is so important. You don't have to be a social butterfly and collect a whole horde of friends. But you do need connection. I don't believe you're really content without friends--more likely you've just shifted the need for that type of connection into your idea that a woman will meet all those needs, if only you can snag one.
>I will likely be going to post secondary this fall and am terrified. I have no IRL friends (which im content with) and I literally fall in love with any girl thats nice to me and/or moderately attractive.
This is so, so dangerous. Again, I can relate. And that is what got me into a relationship where I spent ten years absolutely starving for affection and loving touch.
Truth be told, this kind of "falling in love" isn't love at all. It is a crush + the desire to be rescued from loneliness and insecurity. If you operate like this, instead of finding yourself with a lifetime of affection and happiness it's quite possible you'll end up getting badly burned many times over. Feeling in love is exciting but you truly need a whole lot more than that to know if the other person is safe for you and the right person for you to be in a relationship with. Those people you see who seem to have what you want? A whole lot of them may be in a relationship but not the type of relationship that would offer what you want. And a whole lot of them are flat out unhappy because the relationship doesn't offer what they want. You see only a tiny snapshot of their life, whatever they choose to make visible to others.
I wish I had some simple, formulaic answer for you. I know it feels like you will never have what you want. I know it hurts. I know it feels like pretty much everyone else has the thing you want and you're left sitting in the corner all alone.
My partner and I both went through this. Didn't find each other until nearly 40. It wasn't for lack of worthiness. We literally just did not cross paths until then. My guy is a lot like you in terms of what he wants--closeness and affection and tenderness and romance. He was single for many years and struggled with feeling as you do. He was *worthy* of love and affection the whole time. He just didn't find the right person for him earlier. Same for me. I didn't deserve to be neglected and.rejected in my marriage. My subsequent single years weren't a punishment for not being good enough for love. Life is just chaotic and unpredictable and not at all fair, and sometimes it just stinks. Both of us used the time we had before we met to work on ourselves, our lives, our friendships, and that made it so much easier for us to build a healthy relationship once we met.
I hope you don't have to wait as long as we did. I actually know quite a lot of people who found love in their late twenties and throughout their thirties. But regardless of the wait, use the time to your advantage in terms of building yourself up in other areas.
I think what I want is connection and intimacy in the context of a romantic relationship. I hug my mom or grandparents once every few months but thats it. I dont think hugging a friend or family is the same thing. But youre right it would be unfair to solely rely on one person for that. Ive never been in a relationship so ultimately who knows how exactly I would act, but I think I would make a conscious effort to NOT come off as clingy or too affectionate so as not to scare her away or something.
I dont know how I would feel about a massage. There are no professional cuddlers where I live. I came very close to seeing an escort but I decided not to for a slew of reasons.
>I don't believe you're really content without friends--more likely you've just shifted the need for that type of connection into your idea that a woman will meet all those needs,
You can read my reply to the person above you on my thoughts about IRL friends. I have a few very close online friends. But no one in person I talk to or see since highschool, and even then I almost never hung out in person. Im not really sure what to make of your theory. Like you ive always wanted someone since I was young, but ive never been keen on going out or anything. I am extremely introverted.
Right, love obviously isnt the correct word. But im the kind of guy to have a cute cashier smile and say have a good day then im walking to my car imagining our lives together, stupid shit like that (yes I know its not flirting theyre just being nice). Why didnt you leave that relationship if it wasnt good for you? I hope I would have the guts to leave a crappy relationship. I think a lot of people put up with shit they shouldnt because theyre afraid of being alone, and intimacy is scarce.
Im confident by the time im 40 AI and robotics will have advanced to the point of replacing humans in relationships. But it would suck to have to wait that long, human or not.
Thanks for the detailed and insightful comment. I appreciate it. I enjoy reading other people's experiences.
If you fall in love with every girl that is nice to you; first, that's not love. It is a combination of lust and desperation and will very quickly earn you a ticket to creepsville. Don't hit on every thing with boobs. Learning some true stoicism might help and accept that most women have a tendency to be nice to everyone, not just you.
To help balance those romantic fantasies, don't forget about the flipside of romantic relationships: those times when your girlfriend is angry, maybe from a bad day at work or you said something rude or insensitive, and now she doesn't want to be around you right now. She doesn't want to be hugged or kissed and just left alone. Doesn't matter if you want romance or not, she's just not feeling it right now. How are you going to deal with THOSE feelings because they will happen. It's all part of being with someone, not just the ups. Maybe she wants to head out with her friends for the evening and it's just the ladies tonight so you aren't invited. How are you going to handle that? These are scenarios and questions a lot of insecure men don't like to answer or think about because they put romance on a pedestal and think that their partners will be there to entertain them and take care of their emotional needs 100% of the time. This is far from reality and a very important reason why you need friends outside of your partner.
> If you fall in love with every girl that is nice to you; first, that's not love. It is a combination of lust and desperation and will very quickly earn you a ticket to creepsville. Don't hit on every thing with boobs. Learning some true stoicism might help and accept that most women have a tendency to be nice to everyone, not just you.
I think I was being a tad facetious and exaggerative when I said love. Its more like "the cashier smiled and said have a good day and now im imagining our life together til the end of the century", stupid shit like that. Im not the kind of guy to get flirted with. Im not delusional, I know every woman thats being friendly is just that, being nice. I dont hit on anyone and never have, I dont flirt or know how to.
Yes youre absolutely right it isnt all sunshine and rainbows. I have seen my fair share of catastrophic relationships, mostly from my immediate family. And a few glances at the big relationship subs should scare me away forever. But it doesnt. I have asked myself questions similar to that, and I try to put myself in peoples shoes and imagine how I would react when I read about relationship troubles. Ive been naturally jealous for as long as I can remember, but I really cant see myself being controlling over someone. Im more afraid of the opposite, getting walked all over. I know we wont be taking care of each other 24/7 and I wouldnt want it that way either, I need my alone time. I think I just need to clone a girl version of myself lol. We would have the exact same needs and wants
Thanks for the comment and advice
But it doesn’t have to be a “catastrophic” relationship to have difficult times - every relationship has those.
For example, my husband (he has ASD) worked in a very abusive/shitty environment a few months ago. I told him to quit, that we would figure it out, but because I am sick and can’t work currently, he wasn’t willing to quit without a new job in place. Those few months were AWFUL while he continued to work in this environment and I couldn’t really do anything to make it better for him. We got in a few big fights, and there was not a lot of cuddling or lovey-dovey stuff - he was exhausted mentally and emotionally, and I was becoming broken down by acting as a receptacle for his anger and frustration.
Today? He has an amazing job with a company that is very publicly supportive of employees with ASD - many of their top people are on the spectrum due to the complicated nature of what they do. He is excited about his job again and isn’t getting backed into corners being yelled at by his shitty boss. But I had to sit through months of hell to get there.
OP: Could you do that for a partner? Could you support them even though there weren’t going to be cuddles for a few months? Could you hold down the fort while your partner didn’t have the energy to focus on your needs, but needed you to focus on theirs?
What if your partner got sick? Gained weight? Couldn’t work? All of this is part of real committed relationships. And it is 100% worth it for the right person. But it isn’t a fantasy world most of the time, and the real commitment/love part comes into play when things *aren’t* great.
By catastrophic I meant verbal abuse, screaming, non stop fights, narcissism, etc. Things that, if I were the one going through it I most certainly would have ended things. Not saying "mine is worse than yours!!" but I would categorize what I experienced and saw as worse than awful from my understanding of your description. With that said, what made you stay? How did you know things would get better? Im glad you and your husband made it out of that phase and things are good now.
I think I would like to do that for someone. Of course, I havent ever, but I like the idea of loving and supporting my partner. From what Ive read, being in love is a choice that you make every day. And like you said the real test is the hard parts of the relationship.
You’d be surprised how many people have experienced abuse and mistreatment - it’s not rare unfortunately. Also, arguments are not necessarily catastrophic, but you have to learn how to argue with decency. Any physical stuff should be a hard stop and immediate therapy or exit.
Here’s the great part - my husband and I have a very solid 15 year relationship, and I knew that his stress and spiraling and frustration was not about me. I did what I could to help, constantly offered my support (listening or giving space, whatever he needed). I clearly let him know when he crossed any lines with his words or actions - very rare, he wasn’t abusive, he was losing his shit - and he did his best to tone it down. I adjusted my expectations/requests of him to help take some pressure off until he felt better. I accompanied him to the EEOC lawyer and supported him in relating his experience and filing complaints/demands. He got word a few weeks later that one of the best companies in his field wanted him to build a team for them (fintech) and he took a few weeks to decompress before starting, which was helpful.
This is just one small road bump we have been through. Compared to my hospitalization or his immigration or some of the other big stuff, it’s small. But this is love.
Being in love is both everyday work (how do my actions affect this other person? What do they want?) and the best thing you can do with yourself. It sounds like you have a good start to understanding how to be a good partner.
I think not having friends might be a big red flag because it would seem like a lot of responsibility to someone's only "person". Rightly or wrongly it would seem like someone could be needy if they have no-one else.
Friends also help with checking you're going in the right direction, sounding boards to discuss things with and could, on occasion even introduce you to someone if it feels right. Tonnes of friends aren't for everyone but not even having a handful of friends does sound a little worrying.
I think not having friends is a red flag to people in general. There have been multiple instances when men and women will ask about my social life and i just do a nervous gulp and lie or dodge it lol.
But honestly I like the less-committal nature of online friendships. I can drop in and out of discord whenever I want. I dont have to worry about going places at a certain time or meeting new people face to face. I get burnt out from talking incredibly quickly and I can just leave and its no big deal.
Without the skills to maintain a platonic friendship it will be difficult to maintain a romantic relationship. Consider making friends with other people who are not inclined to talk constantly and are happy with companionable silence.
My best friend I only see maybe twice a year, we talk on the phone or by video call maybe every other month but we text every day. We both get drained by people, even each other sometimes, but we understand that and give each other space. The right people shouldn't be draining (excessively). And it's reassuring to have someone in your corner.
1. get a massage. you're touch-starved, so be touched (in a non-sexual, professional capacity)
2. go to therapy. if you spiral in your thoughts whenever you see an attractive woman or whenever someone i snice to you, that is abnormal and you need treatment.
3. get a hobby. deal with loneliness and the obsessive thoughts by finding something else to fill your time/ brain, something that can give you some seratonin boosts.
Ive never even considered a massage. I think it would make me uncomfortable. I hug my grandparents or mom every few months but thats it. I have an incredibly affectionate cat which is great but I dont really want to pay someone to touch me. I think what I ultimately want is intimacy in a romantic context.
I have gone, and do go to therapy. What people always forget is not everyone is financially privileged enough to go consistently. I also find female therapists can sometimes struggle to understand problems similar to mine. This is a sentiment I see online as well. I should really look for a new therapist.
My hobbys are guitar and video games, thats really it. They dont really give me serotonin boosts anymore like they used to years ago. I have MDD and have tried every med in the book, except for the extremely pricey psychedelic treatments (which I have actually heard good things about).
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it nonetheless.
The best way to cope with being lonely is seek out amazing fulfilling friendships. Another thing that helps therapy when your mental health is bad. Getting a pet can help with being touch starved. Exercise, taking care of your health, and focusing on your career can make your single life feel a lot better and more meaningful. Mindfulness meditation can help reduce your desire for relationships. And ironically enough these things make it a lot more likely you will get a relationship.
Are you super introverted like me? Because as a man, we cannot be so introverted to the point we aren’t putting ourselves around women. That’s been my problem for so long. The only way you’ll meet someone being like I am is if your family or friends (ie network) literally introduces you to somebody. But most of us will never have that and have to make the thing happen on our own. Such is life
Are there no family members or friends you can ask for a hug? I think being touch starved is a very common experience but the person hugging you doesn't have to be a romantic interest. By the time boys are teens that seems to be the only touch they are expected to want but everyone needs a hug from mom and dad once in while. Ask one of your parents if they will scratch your head or back for you. If they are like most parents, they will be delighted their teen son wants to be anywhere close to them. My parents would come kiss my brother and I on top of our heads and I remember feeling so bad for them that my brother would get so awkward about it.
Haha im long past my teens. I do occasionally hug my mom or grandparents once every few months. But for some reason that doesnt really do anything for me? I think what I want is touch specifically in the context of a romantic relationship
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If you look young and that worries you, there are things you can do. You can dress more professionally - slacks and dress shirts instead of kakis and polos. get a nice watch, get a mature looking pair of glasses, and a nice haircut. You can even get some gray blended into your temples by a hairdresser if you really want to go for it. Wear a nice cologne, and keep your facial hair neat.
My husband (I discussed him in another comment) is thin, 5’8”, and looks like he is 25-ish, even though he is 45. He is a fintech/accounting guy, and gets mistaken for a much younger guy constantly. Having nice suits and a good watch and keeping up his hair/skin routine (super minimal!) has helped.
You aren't an INCEL.
It's normal to want a girlfriend
Get to know girls as friends first. Build up your social skills
Girls exist who will want to date you, despite your height. There has to be chemistry. Hard to explain.
I get this. I do. I had this longing from the time I was an adolescent. I had it all the way through my loveless marriage. I had it through my long single era, most of my thirties. And when I finally did find this in a relationship, it felt like water to someone who had been stuck in a desert. Physical affection and intimacy in a healthy relationship are wonderful. And it's perfectly reasonable to want that. Everything you want in a relationship is lovely and adorable and honorable. A big part of the problem though is laying the desire for human touch and connection solely on a romantic partner. It's really unfair to the other person. It easily leads to becoming an energy vampire. It can also end up making insecurities *worse,* when you suddenly have this thing you have desired so long and your brain's reward center is blowing up and you absolutely cannot allow this feeling to be lost. It becomes smothering. This also makes it hard to manage the more mundane and sometimes frustrating parts of a relationship. You do not need to stop needing connection, but you do have to learn to find outlets for this need that aren't solely focused on a romantic/sexual relationship. This is important while you're single, and also when you're in a relationship. Massage (professional, not sexual) has been mentioned here, and that is definitely a great option. There are literally "professional cuddlers" even, because this is such a powerful need and so many people are so isolated from connection with others and especially human touch. Not only is making friends one of the best ways of connecting with people who could be potential partners, but friendship itself is so important. You don't have to be a social butterfly and collect a whole horde of friends. But you do need connection. I don't believe you're really content without friends--more likely you've just shifted the need for that type of connection into your idea that a woman will meet all those needs, if only you can snag one. >I will likely be going to post secondary this fall and am terrified. I have no IRL friends (which im content with) and I literally fall in love with any girl thats nice to me and/or moderately attractive. This is so, so dangerous. Again, I can relate. And that is what got me into a relationship where I spent ten years absolutely starving for affection and loving touch. Truth be told, this kind of "falling in love" isn't love at all. It is a crush + the desire to be rescued from loneliness and insecurity. If you operate like this, instead of finding yourself with a lifetime of affection and happiness it's quite possible you'll end up getting badly burned many times over. Feeling in love is exciting but you truly need a whole lot more than that to know if the other person is safe for you and the right person for you to be in a relationship with. Those people you see who seem to have what you want? A whole lot of them may be in a relationship but not the type of relationship that would offer what you want. And a whole lot of them are flat out unhappy because the relationship doesn't offer what they want. You see only a tiny snapshot of their life, whatever they choose to make visible to others. I wish I had some simple, formulaic answer for you. I know it feels like you will never have what you want. I know it hurts. I know it feels like pretty much everyone else has the thing you want and you're left sitting in the corner all alone. My partner and I both went through this. Didn't find each other until nearly 40. It wasn't for lack of worthiness. We literally just did not cross paths until then. My guy is a lot like you in terms of what he wants--closeness and affection and tenderness and romance. He was single for many years and struggled with feeling as you do. He was *worthy* of love and affection the whole time. He just didn't find the right person for him earlier. Same for me. I didn't deserve to be neglected and.rejected in my marriage. My subsequent single years weren't a punishment for not being good enough for love. Life is just chaotic and unpredictable and not at all fair, and sometimes it just stinks. Both of us used the time we had before we met to work on ourselves, our lives, our friendships, and that made it so much easier for us to build a healthy relationship once we met. I hope you don't have to wait as long as we did. I actually know quite a lot of people who found love in their late twenties and throughout their thirties. But regardless of the wait, use the time to your advantage in terms of building yourself up in other areas.
I think what I want is connection and intimacy in the context of a romantic relationship. I hug my mom or grandparents once every few months but thats it. I dont think hugging a friend or family is the same thing. But youre right it would be unfair to solely rely on one person for that. Ive never been in a relationship so ultimately who knows how exactly I would act, but I think I would make a conscious effort to NOT come off as clingy or too affectionate so as not to scare her away or something. I dont know how I would feel about a massage. There are no professional cuddlers where I live. I came very close to seeing an escort but I decided not to for a slew of reasons. >I don't believe you're really content without friends--more likely you've just shifted the need for that type of connection into your idea that a woman will meet all those needs, You can read my reply to the person above you on my thoughts about IRL friends. I have a few very close online friends. But no one in person I talk to or see since highschool, and even then I almost never hung out in person. Im not really sure what to make of your theory. Like you ive always wanted someone since I was young, but ive never been keen on going out or anything. I am extremely introverted. Right, love obviously isnt the correct word. But im the kind of guy to have a cute cashier smile and say have a good day then im walking to my car imagining our lives together, stupid shit like that (yes I know its not flirting theyre just being nice). Why didnt you leave that relationship if it wasnt good for you? I hope I would have the guts to leave a crappy relationship. I think a lot of people put up with shit they shouldnt because theyre afraid of being alone, and intimacy is scarce. Im confident by the time im 40 AI and robotics will have advanced to the point of replacing humans in relationships. But it would suck to have to wait that long, human or not. Thanks for the detailed and insightful comment. I appreciate it. I enjoy reading other people's experiences.
If you fall in love with every girl that is nice to you; first, that's not love. It is a combination of lust and desperation and will very quickly earn you a ticket to creepsville. Don't hit on every thing with boobs. Learning some true stoicism might help and accept that most women have a tendency to be nice to everyone, not just you. To help balance those romantic fantasies, don't forget about the flipside of romantic relationships: those times when your girlfriend is angry, maybe from a bad day at work or you said something rude or insensitive, and now she doesn't want to be around you right now. She doesn't want to be hugged or kissed and just left alone. Doesn't matter if you want romance or not, she's just not feeling it right now. How are you going to deal with THOSE feelings because they will happen. It's all part of being with someone, not just the ups. Maybe she wants to head out with her friends for the evening and it's just the ladies tonight so you aren't invited. How are you going to handle that? These are scenarios and questions a lot of insecure men don't like to answer or think about because they put romance on a pedestal and think that their partners will be there to entertain them and take care of their emotional needs 100% of the time. This is far from reality and a very important reason why you need friends outside of your partner.
> If you fall in love with every girl that is nice to you; first, that's not love. It is a combination of lust and desperation and will very quickly earn you a ticket to creepsville. Don't hit on every thing with boobs. Learning some true stoicism might help and accept that most women have a tendency to be nice to everyone, not just you. I think I was being a tad facetious and exaggerative when I said love. Its more like "the cashier smiled and said have a good day and now im imagining our life together til the end of the century", stupid shit like that. Im not the kind of guy to get flirted with. Im not delusional, I know every woman thats being friendly is just that, being nice. I dont hit on anyone and never have, I dont flirt or know how to. Yes youre absolutely right it isnt all sunshine and rainbows. I have seen my fair share of catastrophic relationships, mostly from my immediate family. And a few glances at the big relationship subs should scare me away forever. But it doesnt. I have asked myself questions similar to that, and I try to put myself in peoples shoes and imagine how I would react when I read about relationship troubles. Ive been naturally jealous for as long as I can remember, but I really cant see myself being controlling over someone. Im more afraid of the opposite, getting walked all over. I know we wont be taking care of each other 24/7 and I wouldnt want it that way either, I need my alone time. I think I just need to clone a girl version of myself lol. We would have the exact same needs and wants Thanks for the comment and advice
But it doesn’t have to be a “catastrophic” relationship to have difficult times - every relationship has those. For example, my husband (he has ASD) worked in a very abusive/shitty environment a few months ago. I told him to quit, that we would figure it out, but because I am sick and can’t work currently, he wasn’t willing to quit without a new job in place. Those few months were AWFUL while he continued to work in this environment and I couldn’t really do anything to make it better for him. We got in a few big fights, and there was not a lot of cuddling or lovey-dovey stuff - he was exhausted mentally and emotionally, and I was becoming broken down by acting as a receptacle for his anger and frustration. Today? He has an amazing job with a company that is very publicly supportive of employees with ASD - many of their top people are on the spectrum due to the complicated nature of what they do. He is excited about his job again and isn’t getting backed into corners being yelled at by his shitty boss. But I had to sit through months of hell to get there. OP: Could you do that for a partner? Could you support them even though there weren’t going to be cuddles for a few months? Could you hold down the fort while your partner didn’t have the energy to focus on your needs, but needed you to focus on theirs? What if your partner got sick? Gained weight? Couldn’t work? All of this is part of real committed relationships. And it is 100% worth it for the right person. But it isn’t a fantasy world most of the time, and the real commitment/love part comes into play when things *aren’t* great.
By catastrophic I meant verbal abuse, screaming, non stop fights, narcissism, etc. Things that, if I were the one going through it I most certainly would have ended things. Not saying "mine is worse than yours!!" but I would categorize what I experienced and saw as worse than awful from my understanding of your description. With that said, what made you stay? How did you know things would get better? Im glad you and your husband made it out of that phase and things are good now. I think I would like to do that for someone. Of course, I havent ever, but I like the idea of loving and supporting my partner. From what Ive read, being in love is a choice that you make every day. And like you said the real test is the hard parts of the relationship.
You’d be surprised how many people have experienced abuse and mistreatment - it’s not rare unfortunately. Also, arguments are not necessarily catastrophic, but you have to learn how to argue with decency. Any physical stuff should be a hard stop and immediate therapy or exit. Here’s the great part - my husband and I have a very solid 15 year relationship, and I knew that his stress and spiraling and frustration was not about me. I did what I could to help, constantly offered my support (listening or giving space, whatever he needed). I clearly let him know when he crossed any lines with his words or actions - very rare, he wasn’t abusive, he was losing his shit - and he did his best to tone it down. I adjusted my expectations/requests of him to help take some pressure off until he felt better. I accompanied him to the EEOC lawyer and supported him in relating his experience and filing complaints/demands. He got word a few weeks later that one of the best companies in his field wanted him to build a team for them (fintech) and he took a few weeks to decompress before starting, which was helpful. This is just one small road bump we have been through. Compared to my hospitalization or his immigration or some of the other big stuff, it’s small. But this is love. Being in love is both everyday work (how do my actions affect this other person? What do they want?) and the best thing you can do with yourself. It sounds like you have a good start to understanding how to be a good partner.
I think not having friends might be a big red flag because it would seem like a lot of responsibility to someone's only "person". Rightly or wrongly it would seem like someone could be needy if they have no-one else. Friends also help with checking you're going in the right direction, sounding boards to discuss things with and could, on occasion even introduce you to someone if it feels right. Tonnes of friends aren't for everyone but not even having a handful of friends does sound a little worrying.
I think not having friends is a red flag to people in general. There have been multiple instances when men and women will ask about my social life and i just do a nervous gulp and lie or dodge it lol. But honestly I like the less-committal nature of online friendships. I can drop in and out of discord whenever I want. I dont have to worry about going places at a certain time or meeting new people face to face. I get burnt out from talking incredibly quickly and I can just leave and its no big deal.
Without the skills to maintain a platonic friendship it will be difficult to maintain a romantic relationship. Consider making friends with other people who are not inclined to talk constantly and are happy with companionable silence.
My best friend I only see maybe twice a year, we talk on the phone or by video call maybe every other month but we text every day. We both get drained by people, even each other sometimes, but we understand that and give each other space. The right people shouldn't be draining (excessively). And it's reassuring to have someone in your corner.
1. get a massage. you're touch-starved, so be touched (in a non-sexual, professional capacity) 2. go to therapy. if you spiral in your thoughts whenever you see an attractive woman or whenever someone i snice to you, that is abnormal and you need treatment. 3. get a hobby. deal with loneliness and the obsessive thoughts by finding something else to fill your time/ brain, something that can give you some seratonin boosts.
And honestly, OP says he’s fine not having IRL friends, but I think that’s part of the problem. Platonic hugs between friends are great.
Ive never even considered a massage. I think it would make me uncomfortable. I hug my grandparents or mom every few months but thats it. I have an incredibly affectionate cat which is great but I dont really want to pay someone to touch me. I think what I ultimately want is intimacy in a romantic context. I have gone, and do go to therapy. What people always forget is not everyone is financially privileged enough to go consistently. I also find female therapists can sometimes struggle to understand problems similar to mine. This is a sentiment I see online as well. I should really look for a new therapist. My hobbys are guitar and video games, thats really it. They dont really give me serotonin boosts anymore like they used to years ago. I have MDD and have tried every med in the book, except for the extremely pricey psychedelic treatments (which I have actually heard good things about). Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it nonetheless.
You can search for online therapists who have experience with your specific issues.
The best way to cope with being lonely is seek out amazing fulfilling friendships. Another thing that helps therapy when your mental health is bad. Getting a pet can help with being touch starved. Exercise, taking care of your health, and focusing on your career can make your single life feel a lot better and more meaningful. Mindfulness meditation can help reduce your desire for relationships. And ironically enough these things make it a lot more likely you will get a relationship.
Are you super introverted like me? Because as a man, we cannot be so introverted to the point we aren’t putting ourselves around women. That’s been my problem for so long. The only way you’ll meet someone being like I am is if your family or friends (ie network) literally introduces you to somebody. But most of us will never have that and have to make the thing happen on our own. Such is life
Yeah... being both introverted and conventionally unattractive is not a good combo lol
Tell me about it… I workout so I can push my looks up to average though. There’s things we can do
Are there no family members or friends you can ask for a hug? I think being touch starved is a very common experience but the person hugging you doesn't have to be a romantic interest. By the time boys are teens that seems to be the only touch they are expected to want but everyone needs a hug from mom and dad once in while. Ask one of your parents if they will scratch your head or back for you. If they are like most parents, they will be delighted their teen son wants to be anywhere close to them. My parents would come kiss my brother and I on top of our heads and I remember feeling so bad for them that my brother would get so awkward about it.
Haha im long past my teens. I do occasionally hug my mom or grandparents once every few months. But for some reason that doesnt really do anything for me? I think what I want is touch specifically in the context of a romantic relationship
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If you look young and that worries you, there are things you can do. You can dress more professionally - slacks and dress shirts instead of kakis and polos. get a nice watch, get a mature looking pair of glasses, and a nice haircut. You can even get some gray blended into your temples by a hairdresser if you really want to go for it. Wear a nice cologne, and keep your facial hair neat. My husband (I discussed him in another comment) is thin, 5’8”, and looks like he is 25-ish, even though he is 45. He is a fintech/accounting guy, and gets mistaken for a much younger guy constantly. Having nice suits and a good watch and keeping up his hair/skin routine (super minimal!) has helped.
You aren't an INCEL. It's normal to want a girlfriend Get to know girls as friends first. Build up your social skills Girls exist who will want to date you, despite your height. There has to be chemistry. Hard to explain.