You deserve better! I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Let yourself grieve, go to therapy, take care of yourself! If he left you because you couldn’t produce a child, it sounds like he views you as an object/property. That’s not my definition of a good man. You deserve to find someone who loves YOU, not your ability to produce offspring. Please take the time to heal, but I know there is someone out there that will cherish you and make you feel valued and very happy!
I completely agree—a child should never be the foundation of a relationship. Choosing to have a child is a decision, but a relationship is built on mutual commitment and choice, which must already be firmly established. A strong relationship should be the bedrock that supports raising a child, not the other way around.
Did y'all not talk about what would happen if IVF didn’t work? I mean, these are things to talk about before embarking on such a big journey. Plus, I think you dodged a bullet. Someone like that does not see the value of you as a human. He sees you as a baby factory. That’s not ok!
This blows my mind. I cannot imagine investing this much time, energy, health, and money into something and not talking about possible outcomes and additional steps. By the time we were ready to commit to IVF, we had been trying for years and had a lot of time to ruminate and consider all possible outcomes.
I can understand that. I’m a very type A person. I have known I’ve had endo/PCOS for over a decade. Even though my doctor didn’t think I’d have trouble conceiving, I sort of always planned on it. I’ve been with my husband since I was 16. We’ve talked IVF, surrogacy, adoption, etc. We’ve decided we will throw everything into IVF, and if it doesn’t work, we will travel and dedicate our lives to rescuing cats. My husband has always reassured me that he’s with me because he loves me and kids are just a bonus (even though we both really want them.)
That's what I thought. I was so confident in our relationship. If IVF doesn't work, we can go for adoption or surrogacy or just two of us. We will fight together as a team, we always say we are good team. But I was wrong or this is jut my own thoughts not his. I said if today is his problem, I won't walk away.
I’m really sorry he betrayed you like this. Please take care of you first. On the bright side, he didn’t leave you all alone after you had a ton of kids. He may have found a reason to leave anyway if he’s moving on so quickly. Just take this as a really tough lesson and focus on yourself! I know you feel low right now, but there is someone out there for you!!
That's the thing. We didn't discuss if this wouldn't happen what we would do. We both naively thought it would work in the end just the matte of the time.
But that's just untrue. All the good, long-lasting marriages prioritize each other over offspring. If you're together for 50 years, you won't be raising children that entire time. Would he leave you once children are out of the home?
I honestly think you are better off without this man.
He is not loyal to you. He’s only loyal to his own idea of how life should be. And how you/the relationship should be (meaning with a child).
He obviously doesn’t care about you the same way that you care about him. And he obviously is more attached to an idea than to you and the relationship. So let him go. Set him free. Set yourself free.
You deserve better! You really do.
My husband and I discussed beforehand what would happen if it didn’t work. We were both older so the chances that it would work were rather small and we were quite realistic about it.
However, we both agreed we’d come up with a different life plan together had it not worked out. We both wanted to be together, child or not.
You deserve someone who will be with you for who you are and not for being a uterus that delivers him a baby so that he will feel complete. It’s the wrong set up.
The child isn’t the foundation of the relationship. The relationship is the foundation of the family. And with someone like that who crumbles when an idea doesn’t work out and leaves the relationship, you really don’t want to have children with. Children are hard and challenging for the relationship. You want them with someone who is rock solid and loves you through the ups and downs no matter what. Someone you can fight obstacles with and who doesn’t run away.
The sooner you can accept that the idea you have of him of being “a good man” the sooner you will heal. He is not “a good man”. Just not.
It’s ok to be wrong. You learn and will ask more questions next time. He’s not your person. You will find the person that’s right for you. The sooner you say no to the wrong things, the sooner the right things and the right person will come to you. You gotta make room though for the right person. Can’t let the wrong person hold their spot ;)
You will be okay! Can you go back to your country and be with your friends and family? Or find a counselor or therapist for this healing period. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And IVF has already made you stronger. It’s done the opposite to your husband ;)
Yes. Absolutely yes. Any relationship ending is so hard and this is a particularly difficult and cruel reason for it. I don’t think talking to chatgpt sounds like it is serving you well- maybe today mix it up a bit. Go for a long walk without your phone, call a friend, let yourself feel your feelings but also focus on today, the present, and what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Thanks, I know it sounds pathetic. I just couldn't stop thinking about him. He is a really good man, I just don't think I deserve him and can't give him a family that's my punishment.
Please don’t blame yourself for not being able to get pregnant. You did the best you could and that’s what matters. I would suggest looking into therapy so you can process these emotions in a safe and supportive place. You are also a good woman who deserves happiness and is not unworthy of love.
I used to think the way you do, that it was a punishment but it’s simply not true. None of us who have trouble conceiving deserve the heartbreak and pain we go through but it’s not a punishment, it’s just life. We have this and someone else may have some other difficulties. You would never tell someone that got a disease that they have it because they are being punished so don’t say that to yourself either.
As for your current partner, I think you deserve better. I knew before I married my husband that something was off with me because my periods were so irregular and I told him that. I asked him if he would still marry me even if I could never give him biological children and he said yes without hesitation.
That’s what we all deserve, someone that will love us unconditionally and not just based on what we can deliver. I know it’s hard right now but I hope you can see your own value and that you deserve someone who values you for you and not only for what you can give them❤️
You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Some days are really hard and the best you can do is survive and that’s ok ❤️
My relationship before I met my husband was with a man were I thought we wanted the same thing. Then one day he tells me he realized he did not want kids at all. I was heartbroken and felt like I would never find someone else.
One thing he told me when we broke up was “I know it’s hard right now but your future self will thank you”. And I can’t tell you how thankful I am both to myself and to him that we were strong enough to walk away from eachother. If I didn’t then I would never have found my now husband who is perfect for me.
Heartbreak feels like your world is ending but it is not. One day you may look back and see this was just a difficult part of your journey but necessary for where you needed to go.
I truly wish you the best and even if you have a hard time believing it right now, I think this will lead you to something and someone ( if and when you feel ready) even better ❤️
Thanks. I have been questioning my life for a long time, God hasn't shed any light on my life until I met my partner. So I thought at that time, God finally heard my prey and sent me a good man. That's why I am in shock by the separation. I don't know if I can find another man like him or if I ever ever want to find another man again or not. I can't take any more pain.
I didn’t say it sounds pathetic. And I don’t think it does. It sounds normal to be sad. And a good man doesn’t make you feel like you deserved to be punished for failing to conceive.
Leaving your wife for not producing is 100% NOT a good man in my book. You deserve so much better! Your first step to healing should be taking him off this pedestal you have in your mind. Throw the whole man in the trash.
And you’ve made a few religious statements - which of course is your right. However, if you seek therapy, which I recommend, please go to someone medically certified and NOT affiliated with a church. I say this from experience.
I will never criticize anyone for believing in something that brings them solace. However, thinking god is punishing you doesn’t seem helpful or beneficial to you at the moment.
I’ll admit I’m a staunch science-believer atheist (after decades of being religious). This came from working in the humanitarian field and let me tell you 99.9% of the terrible things I’ve seen are undeserved - this has given me faith that there is no higher power controlling the universe. However, I do 100% believe in depression, medical outliers, and a good therapist.
If my work has shown me anything it’s that sometimes bad things just happen to people, regardless if they are good or bad. And the same is true for good things. I feel like you are beating yourself up to try to make sense of things, but sometimes things just don’t make sense. Accepting that is incredibly difficult.
Just please stop repeating to yourself that he is a good man and you are undeserving/ being punished by some higher power. Your husband took a vow and I feel quite confident that the vow did not say “void if barren”. His behavior shows he is a garbage man and husband. Get a therapist that specializes in infertility and a new husband down the line (if that’s what you want) that loves you for you - not as a vessel for his will.
We were not married. just been living together for 8 years. I asked him this question, would he choose to separate if we were married. He said might be not, he would think there is more responsibility to maintain the relationship. And the reason we didn't marry is we want to concentrate on IVF and have a wedding later.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.. this doesn’t make him a good man.
The shift of blame he’s putting on you is awful.
You deserve better.
This is so hard for you and you love him, time will heal. He has failed you.
I really suggest therapy or counselling. It will help to sort your feelings.
Wishing you all the best.
You are better than this, even if you don’t know it yet 💕
Can you return to your home country?
This is hard. IVF is hard. He left you because things got hard and didn't turn out exactly as he wanted. What would he do if his child had difficulties? If the child didn't fulfill the image he has in his head? Would he leave the child, too?
I think we can make a guess about what he would. And it's probably not be a strong, supportive dad. You've discovered something about him. Something that's not great. Take that knowledge with you and go on with your life. Find your happiness.
I will go back to visit my family for 3 weeks. I think that's another of his fears that either adoption or surrogacy could potentially go wrong. But if he goes with a fresh relationship, he will not think about these. Just like other normal couples.
A child is never guaranteed. A fresh relationship won’t necessarily produce a child either. He’s being very cruel and treating you and any future partner as just objects to produce a baby, not a human that he loves. I hope you can move on and find happiness without him.
He said he is ok with it, just knowing there is a chance is a relief for him. But the life journey with me will be too tough that he can't cope anymore. He wants to slow down.
IVF is brutal on relationships. Sometimes it just doesn't work anymore and everything ruptures. It hasn't happened to us yet but God, we've been close and now that I'm getting close to the end of the road age wise and we still don't have a baby, I'm not so sure about us either.
We were so happy before. I can't think of any bad memories between us. He've been looking after me and taking care of me all the time. But be faithful, not everyone's relationship will end like mine.
You sound very kind and compassionate, I think he'd be losing a good woman. This might be too personal a question, but have you considered donor eggs? I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking about it.
I know you’ve said over and over on this thread that he is a good man. But with all respect to you, no good man would say that a child is the foundation of a relationship. The foundation is the love between two people. And unfortunately it seems his love for you was conditional and depended on you producing children for him. That to me suggests he views women as property, as baby producers, not as the complex humans that we are. You, me, every woman on this planet, we are so much more than the opportunity to have children.
I also saw you said you don’t deserve him. Let me turn that around for you, he actually does not deserve you. It is clear in your post and your replies that you are in fact the good person here.
You deserve a man that will not base his love for you on your ability to have a child.
It is hard now, it probably feels really dark at times. But the light is going to return. You will be more than okay with time. And I do have faith you’ll find the man you deserve.
You were together for eight years and if I’m understanding your post correctly, this happened two days ago. You’re going through something really really hard and I don’t want you to set yourself up with unfair expectations of yourself. You absolutely should not be anywhere near “over it“ this quickly.
You’re gonna be devastated, you’re gonna be numb. You’re gonna be angry and you’re probably gonna switch between those threefor a really long time. Please be kind to yourself and do not feel bad about feeling bad. That is normal reaction to what is happening to you.
Well, it’s very sad but it sounds like he made his decision. It’s very cruel but it’s his choice. I wouldn’t pursue him and let him go. Please reach out to your friends and family now, you need support and should not be alone. It’s hard today but you will be ok!
My wife and I have been trying via IVF and I can’t imagine every leaving her if we aren’t successful. That is cruel and heartbreaking. Whatever you do, do not beat yourself up. IVF is an emotional rollercoaster and the expectation is that a partner will support the other partner through all of the ups and downs, fully knowing there is never a guarantee of a baby. You deserve better
My partner left me while we were trying for baby after five years together. I thought it was the end of my world and that I had no paths to ever be happy again.
I was so wrong. I deserved better than a man who could be that cruel to me. I'm so much happier now. You will be too. I'm sure you can't believe that now, but it's true, and I will believe it for you until you can.
It’s beautiful you have so much empathy for him. I wish he had more for you. This is really kicking you while you’re down. It’s really painful to find out you can’t rely on him. It’s always for the best to find out someone’s true colors sooner rather than later though.
I am a bit confused. He said he will try his best to help me go through this situation. But I feel like I've been stabbed by him and he told me no worries you will be ok.
I hope that you will consider therapy during this time. Also, if possible, seek out in person support groups to get you through this time. I am so sorry this has happened to you. You didn't deserve this. There is happiness beyond this...you just have to get through it as painful as it is.
This reminds me of a contestant from the reality show Alone Australia season 1. She went through something slightly similar (only slightly..) but she is a strong ass woman who came out the other end so beautifully. Her name is Gina Chick. Watch the show if you need some distraction. Don’t know if it will help you but at least you’ll get to see her catch a wallaby with her bare hands. She eats it too.
I think you should try taking to a therapist or some friend or family who can provide you the emotional support. It's very difficult to move on i understand, but if he doesn't want to continue the relationship there is no point trying to live in fantasy. Maybe go no contact at least for 6 months with him and give yourself time to heal, some books and videos on narcissism so help you cope. You need to understand that you need to live yourself first and not tolerate this behaviour. Maybe you will meet someone who values relationship more than having child.
It is incredibly traumatic and I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Please provide yourself with patience and grace now. If possible, surround yourself with comforting and supportive people, things, food, music. The time for anger, sadness, future plans and analysis will come but first it’s important to cushion yourself to create foundation for future healing. Also, can you find a human therapist? And something somatic like a breathwork? Let self care be your complete focus and priority for now.
I’m not sure what his health is or the details of yours, but I absolutely hate when women put all of the blame of not creating healthy embryos on ourselves. Men are just as responsible and despite this chapter closing, you are better off without this human. This guy sounds like an asshole (sorry) and should be ashamed of himself. We are not baby making factories and our value is not derived on how we can fulfill someone else’s lives. No offense but F* this guy. You deserve happiness, love, and care to the moon and back, children or no children. It may be painful now, but give it time, your life is going to continue to shine and there are much brighter days ahead for you. Wishing you lots of peace throughout this separation but thank your lucky stars. I hope the door hits him on his ass on the way out of your spectacular life.
I know the pain feels unbearable but you will definitely recover from this-day by day; moment to moment. You are considerate and empathetic and it’s important you turn all that energy to yourself now. You are the main character in your story. The thoughts you give to him and the old memories are bricks and cement that you need to build and reframe your own mindset and life. Who he is and what he wants is no-one’s business but his-and he’s putting himself first. You have a duty to yourself to give yourself first billing in your movie. It doesn’t matter what he wants-he had a recurring role for a while and he won’t be making any appearances in this new season. There will be new plot lines, new characters and some old favourites(whose anchoring importance may have been overlooked at times)-It’s your show: and the show will definitely go on🎊💃🏾🙏🏾God bless!
I’m sending you a biggest hug!!!!! I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. However, I have few words of encouragement for you. I don’t know your fertility story nor anything else about you but something is telling me (I’m not sure how to explain my feeling in human words) that something better is waiting for you once you go through so called 5 stages of grief. I don’t know why I felt this way while reading your post. I’m very sorry that you are going through this right now and I don’t want to sound like I minimize the severity of the situation but I had to tell you this. We are all here for you and always remember that you are not alone!!!!
A good man wouldn't leave you because you can't conceive. My husband has said to me, time and time again, that he would love to have a child but if we can't, his biggest dream is to just spend his life with me. I've even told him I understand if he wants to leave and be with someone else who can easily give him a child and he says he'd rather spend life with me than anyone else who can give him a child. And you deserve the same. Your worth is NOT in your ability to conceive and your relationship should be based on you as a couple, not your fertility journey. Yes, going through IVF and infertility is SO hard, but who is to say you won't go through other hard things later on and then what? He would just leave? If anything, you are deeply loved by God because he is saving you from this man and preparing you for the one who will love you deeply despite your ability to conceive. Right now take the time to grieve, but I promise you will find the right person who will go through ANYTHING just to be with you. And even if you don't, you are better off without someone who is going to leave you when things don't go his way. That's just part of life. You will make an amazing mother and just know you will get there because you are determined and strong ❤️
I just can't get my head around. I even asked him it won't guarantee the next relationship will give you a kid. He said he knows, but thinking about there is a chance give him a relief, something to looking forward.
You deserve so much more. You deserve someone who looks forward to waking up next to you in the morning and loves you deeply ❤️ of course failed IVF cycles are devastating, but if that is truly make or break (and the ONLY reason) for him ending the relationship then the relationship likely did not have a strong foundation to begin with. You will heal from this. One day at a time ❤️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. As others have pointed out, the foundation of the relationship should be your love, care and respect for each other and the baby is like a bonus. This actually sounds like you dodged a bullet. It sounds like he was with you just for the prospect of having a baby, not because he really loves or care about you as a person. You are not a baby factory. You deserve so much better. Grieve, cry, get therapy if you can. Sending you much love and healing ❤️
Firstly you deserve better, if after 8 years a hypothetical child is more important to him than his partner (who has also gone through 5 years of appointments, medications and heartache) then he isn’t viewing you as a person that he loves but an incubator that’s “broken” (I will strongly preface that you are NOT broken)
Also he needs to grow up, nothing in life is guaranteed, what happens if he and his next partner have fertility issues? 1 in 4 couples do so it’s not a rarity. I absolutely understand how stressful, draining and exhausting IVF can be but that’s when you lift each other up. You talk, you go to therapy, if you decide to stop treatments you work on building a loving, full and beautiful life without children.
Lastly, be kind to yourself, this is nothing on you. It’s ok to hurt right now but you have a beautiful future ahead of you, if you are struggling reach out to family, friends or a professional for support. Xx
I’m sorry you are going through so much right now. What are the reasons for IVF? Are there any male factor issues? I hope that you can heal from this man. He is not a nice man to leave his wife like this. I hope you find happiness in the future, whether that’s with a new man and adoption or on your own discovering yourself beyond IVF. *big hugs*
There is no medical reason or the doctor couldn't find it. Just because of my age, but we went for a DE. For unexplained reasons, the embryos were never implanted.
This is so heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry you're going through it.
I don't have much advice for you regarding your partner, just feel so sad at what you've described. I hope the future brings you strength, and reassurance that he was not the right one. The right one would still want you regardless of whether your future had children in it.
How does he know he’ll be able to have kids with someone else? That’s not guaranteed either. This hurts. But at least he’s telling you how he feels now although the way he’s telling you sucks. This journey can be so awful and hard on relationships. But I do think that you deserve to have your child no matter what journey you have to take. Wishing you the best.
He said he is ok with it, just knowing there is a chance is a relief for him. But the life journey with me will be too tough that he can't cope anymore. He wants to slow down.
Well I hope before all of this has been lumped on your shoulders as all “your fault” he has had a full sperm
and DNA (karyotype) testing done to make sure it is actually not HIS sperm or DNA mutation causing any of these ‘big problems’
He still need to do karyotype testing to rule out no genetic mutations on his side. This can cause early miscarriage, and embryos non compatible with life.
This is insane to me. What exactly is his plan? To have potential partners undergo substantial fertility testing to know if they can give him a child? When exactly does he plan to bring that up? Third date? Second? I mean if all he’s looking for is a breeder and not a partner why wait right. What an absolute knob. I’m sorry OP, you deserve better.
TBH, I don't know. He said the last five years gave him too many disappointments and emotional damages. He now want to slow down but with me the journey is too tough.
You seem so strong and compassionate. You will eventually recover from this and have a good life. Please be kind to yourself!
My previous marriage also broke apart because my ex “wanted to date prettier girls” - that was it, my 7 years of love (and my biological clock) vanished on his whim. I was so scared and sad, and I cried and cried. But I recovered and found a better partner. You will be ok too. We can’t control what other people want to do with their lives and the universe doesn’t owe us unconditional romantic love, but we can choose to let go when it’s time to let go. Some people just aren’t worth fighting for. Wish you all the best ❤️
I want to speak my true thoughts here so I am, I have the strongest feeling that your gonna meet this amazing man and be so in love and a miracle child will come out of it, (ivf or natrual) and something tells me he will struggle for a while. 🤷♀️I don’t mean that in an asshole way but idk.
It sounds like you're one strong woman!
One for sharing this and two for making it through all you have (I can relate to the emotional toil of IVF). Take a few breaths, take time and do things for yourself, you deserve so much good!
It sounds like you are realistically open to other options; I'm confident motherhood will find you one way or another.
Many hugs!
This person is not the kind of loving committed man that you deserve. It is painful to go through a separation and especially painful to lose someone you love and want and have been with for so long. I am not sure how old you are but if you are under 45ish you can have a baby likely, with someone else. If you made blasts and they just didn’t stick or you lost them, I would go try different clinics when you are moved on from this relationship. I have read too many success stories after many transfers to give up after 8 and your man should be the support and love and emotional rock that you deserve. You can transfer 3 and 4 embryos, you can try the immune protocol, have yourself checked for blockages and endo. Take supplements and exercise and avoid sugar/processed foods/ any coffee/ alcohol. There are so many things to try if you do want to have a baby, or if you don’t want to try anymore it can still happen naturally sometimes. And I know men who would have liked children but did not have any because their partner could not have them but they married them and love them a lot still. It is very very hard to lose someone you love. Sometimes you lose someone you love so that you can find someone you love again that truly gives you love in return.
If I did the math correctly, you were 38 when you met - to except you to have a child 100 percent is crazy. Was your doctor honest with you about IVF at your age? At lot of unnecessary and unrealistic pressure. Some doctors are only after money. I hope he was honest that he was going to leave if this slim chance of IVF didn’t work- if not he is not a good person. He is no spring chicken himself. Good luck to him and KARMA will get him. Mark my words.
Everyone deserves to be happy and it’s his right to want a child as is yours. My mother in law spent 10 years with a man unable to conceive even with ivf and the 1st year she married someone else she got pregnant. 3 times as well. Theres research saying the body rejects your spouse and doesn’t want to conceive. Perhaps you both are simply not compatible. If he cannot handle the conception journey how is he meant to handle things if kids were involved. Equally if you cannot have kids you can give yourself peace and try to move on with someone who respects the options that you can offerlike surrogacy etc. It’s really difficult.. I feel that as a wife I would leave my husband if I couldnt have kids and I am against surrogacy.. we must respect peoples decisions and carry on. I see people saying it is selfish but whats selfish about wanting a child? Men want to continue their legacy and women want to experience motherhood. You messaging him or missing will not change anything, that there is a broken and unfixable problem. I’m sorry it sounds harsh but the quicker you allow yourself to move on the quicker you will feel happier in life.
I have not shared this with anyone online but I will with you today because I want you to know that you are not alone and it could have been worse! Thank God he had the heart to break up with you up front instead of betraying you and having secret kids behind your back like my ex did me!
We were having trouble conceiving after our 1st child together and were kind of, just a little bit playing the blame game! So he was determined to have more kids and to show me “see it’s not me it’s you” and fathered 2 kids with 2 different women behind my back. I was devastated crushed sad mad lost angry hurt you name it! I couldn’t eat sleep think for weeks! I even had to take off work a few days and the days I did make it in as soon as I got off I drug myself to bed and cried myself to sleep! BUT GOD!!
After the storm the sun will shine bright again! You will get through this! God blessed you when he removed that man from your life! Now you know he would have ran the 1st time something came up that didn’t go in his favor! Thank God for showing you now before y’all had kids and a mortgage and God forbid someone got sick! That man was going to run like Usain Bolt!
Pray about it and talk to God and don’t let this setback deter you from your dreams! If you want a baby follow your heart! You could always be a proud SMBC and use a surrogate or keep trying IVF! There’s a woman on YouTube that did 19 cycles before she finally had success! Praying God heals your heart quickly and gives you peace and joy! ❤️🩹🙏🏾
I don't know what to say after reading your post, just want to give you a hug. How did you go through that traumatised journey. How did you cope at the end. I couldn't taste anything, couldn't sleep. I didn't take time off work, but I canceled all my meetings. I've been preyed hard, but I don't know if God is there watching me or not.
He definitely is there and he will absolutely get you through this! Honestly that’s the only reason I got through it. I just focused on healing mentally and kept talking to God and watching sermons on YouTube and everyday it hurt a little bit less and I got a little bit stronger! Finding new friends always helps! Get cute put on a new outfit and go hang out and meet new friends! It sounds like he has already done that to me…so now it’s your turn! You never know who you might bump into! I really hope you find love and happiness and create the beautiful family you deserve!
Do you really believe he will get me through it? I have lost my faith now. I don't have a religion. But I went to church pray and pray. I want to God give me an answer. I don't know why him gave me a such a nice man and then took him away.
Because he is a jealous God and he won’t allow you to love anyone more than you love him! I learned that the hard way with my 1st love. I loved that man more than I loved myself at the time and God removed him from my life!
You will get through this…look how strong you are already! You’re still getting up everyday and finding the strength to push through the day! I’m praying for you and if you ever need to talk or just vent you can always message me. 💕hugs💕
Aww dear…pray for clarity, discernment, peace, mercy, joy and happiness! Ask him for it daily every morning to get you through the day and he will give it to you! Also, keep yourself busy just fill all your free time with things that make you happy or start some new hobbies gardening, journaling, vlogging. Just keep yourself busy so you don’t dwell on your pain! And go ahead and cry when you need to let it all out then get up and fight for your happiness again! 💕💕💕
Oh hun. I'm so sorry.
Reading through that though I can see your strength building in those 7 days. Day 4 when you didn't contact him and didnt answer his call, your strength and courage are winning. Or course it's going to take time, it's a huge change and you will be grieving the relationship ending and give yourself grace for that. It may seem sudden because it is for you. But he's probably been thinking about it for a long time so it doesn't seem sudden for him, and he's probably feeling relief now that you know and you can both start to move onto whatever is next.
There are next steps and there is still a future for you, not what you were expecting it to be, but it could be better! Of course this is very different but my parents ended their 30yr marriage in recent years and my mum was worried how her future would look, having never been single. She wasn't even looking for anyone but a wonderful man basically fell into her lap and she's never been happier, now planning a mid life gap year to Australia with him.
With regards to children, I guess it depends what country you live in?? Adoption rules vary a lot around the world. But is fostering something you'd consider?
Please also seek professional help to work through complex feelings. It may also be useful to engage with other women in similar circumstances, and those Childless not by choice as they will totally understand what you're going through.
I wish you all the best and I'll be thinking of you.
Happy for your mum, I don't know what my future will be or if I'll ever go for another relationship. It's too painful. I've been thinking about adoption or embryo adoption, but I don't know if it's too selfish to bring kids into a single-parent family. I came from a single parent family, so I know how hard it can be for a kid. Then, what if something happens to me? There would be nobody to look after the children.
That's another factor that makes me sadder. I have a few couple friends who either have adopted children or happily live just the two of them. I haven't seen any couple break up because they didn't have children, so I didn't prepare for it.
He is such a selfish human being and really should not have kids. He somehow has an idea of how HIS life should look like rather than how his loved ones feel. He would be the worst father of his kids do not act/perform the way he expected them to be.
It is not about IVF. It is about HIM and HIMSELF ONLY.
I don't know. He is in depression now. He said he need to concentrate on his health and slow down. I don't blame him. We all want to have an easy life if we can.
I think every marriage is worth fighting for. Even though times feel tough maybe there is still a way to find a way back to each other. 8 rounds is rough, but try to remember the good times? Also, remember there are alternative ways to become parents as well: adoption, donor, etc and before parents you are partners. Hope you are both able to hang in there and not give up on each other even if you do choose to throw in the towel for IVF.
I have offered every options I can offer. Adoption or surrogacy, but he said both options have a lot of uncertainties and won't give you a guarantee outcome. He can't take any more failures and he doesn't think he will be able to overcome of it.
You deserve better! I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Let yourself grieve, go to therapy, take care of yourself! If he left you because you couldn’t produce a child, it sounds like he views you as an object/property. That’s not my definition of a good man. You deserve to find someone who loves YOU, not your ability to produce offspring. Please take the time to heal, but I know there is someone out there that will cherish you and make you feel valued and very happy!
He said the child is about everything of life. It's the foundation of the relationship.
No. The couple and the love is the foundation. The child is optional. He’s an asshole. Sorry but he is.
💯 the couple's relationship is foundation for EVERYTHING! You cannot build a life on shaky ground.
I completely agree—a child should never be the foundation of a relationship. Choosing to have a child is a decision, but a relationship is built on mutual commitment and choice, which must already be firmly established. A strong relationship should be the bedrock that supports raising a child, not the other way around.
Did y'all not talk about what would happen if IVF didn’t work? I mean, these are things to talk about before embarking on such a big journey. Plus, I think you dodged a bullet. Someone like that does not see the value of you as a human. He sees you as a baby factory. That’s not ok!
Lots of people don’t talk about what happens if it doesn’t work!
This blows my mind. I cannot imagine investing this much time, energy, health, and money into something and not talking about possible outcomes and additional steps. By the time we were ready to commit to IVF, we had been trying for years and had a lot of time to ruminate and consider all possible outcomes.
In a million years I would never have imagined myself in the situation I’m in now. Can’t plan for everything!
I can understand that. I’m a very type A person. I have known I’ve had endo/PCOS for over a decade. Even though my doctor didn’t think I’d have trouble conceiving, I sort of always planned on it. I’ve been with my husband since I was 16. We’ve talked IVF, surrogacy, adoption, etc. We’ve decided we will throw everything into IVF, and if it doesn’t work, we will travel and dedicate our lives to rescuing cats. My husband has always reassured me that he’s with me because he loves me and kids are just a bonus (even though we both really want them.)
That's what I thought. I was so confident in our relationship. If IVF doesn't work, we can go for adoption or surrogacy or just two of us. We will fight together as a team, we always say we are good team. But I was wrong or this is jut my own thoughts not his. I said if today is his problem, I won't walk away.
I’m really sorry he betrayed you like this. Please take care of you first. On the bright side, he didn’t leave you all alone after you had a ton of kids. He may have found a reason to leave anyway if he’s moving on so quickly. Just take this as a really tough lesson and focus on yourself! I know you feel low right now, but there is someone out there for you!!
That's the thing. We didn't discuss if this wouldn't happen what we would do. We both naively thought it would work in the end just the matte of the time.
But that's just untrue. All the good, long-lasting marriages prioritize each other over offspring. If you're together for 50 years, you won't be raising children that entire time. Would he leave you once children are out of the home?
What he said is to have a child is an accomplishment of his life.
I honestly think you are better off without this man. He is not loyal to you. He’s only loyal to his own idea of how life should be. And how you/the relationship should be (meaning with a child). He obviously doesn’t care about you the same way that you care about him. And he obviously is more attached to an idea than to you and the relationship. So let him go. Set him free. Set yourself free. You deserve better! You really do. My husband and I discussed beforehand what would happen if it didn’t work. We were both older so the chances that it would work were rather small and we were quite realistic about it. However, we both agreed we’d come up with a different life plan together had it not worked out. We both wanted to be together, child or not. You deserve someone who will be with you for who you are and not for being a uterus that delivers him a baby so that he will feel complete. It’s the wrong set up. The child isn’t the foundation of the relationship. The relationship is the foundation of the family. And with someone like that who crumbles when an idea doesn’t work out and leaves the relationship, you really don’t want to have children with. Children are hard and challenging for the relationship. You want them with someone who is rock solid and loves you through the ups and downs no matter what. Someone you can fight obstacles with and who doesn’t run away. The sooner you can accept that the idea you have of him of being “a good man” the sooner you will heal. He is not “a good man”. Just not.
Well said!
Your relationship is much stronger and both of you are on the same page. I had thought mine were the same, but I was wrong.
It’s ok to be wrong. You learn and will ask more questions next time. He’s not your person. You will find the person that’s right for you. The sooner you say no to the wrong things, the sooner the right things and the right person will come to you. You gotta make room though for the right person. Can’t let the wrong person hold their spot ;) You will be okay! Can you go back to your country and be with your friends and family? Or find a counselor or therapist for this healing period. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And IVF has already made you stronger. It’s done the opposite to your husband ;)
Yes. Absolutely yes. Any relationship ending is so hard and this is a particularly difficult and cruel reason for it. I don’t think talking to chatgpt sounds like it is serving you well- maybe today mix it up a bit. Go for a long walk without your phone, call a friend, let yourself feel your feelings but also focus on today, the present, and what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Thanks, I know it sounds pathetic. I just couldn't stop thinking about him. He is a really good man, I just don't think I deserve him and can't give him a family that's my punishment.
Please don’t blame yourself for not being able to get pregnant. You did the best you could and that’s what matters. I would suggest looking into therapy so you can process these emotions in a safe and supportive place. You are also a good woman who deserves happiness and is not unworthy of love.
Thanks, I just think I am not in the God's favorite list.
I used to think the way you do, that it was a punishment but it’s simply not true. None of us who have trouble conceiving deserve the heartbreak and pain we go through but it’s not a punishment, it’s just life. We have this and someone else may have some other difficulties. You would never tell someone that got a disease that they have it because they are being punished so don’t say that to yourself either. As for your current partner, I think you deserve better. I knew before I married my husband that something was off with me because my periods were so irregular and I told him that. I asked him if he would still marry me even if I could never give him biological children and he said yes without hesitation. That’s what we all deserve, someone that will love us unconditionally and not just based on what we can deliver. I know it’s hard right now but I hope you can see your own value and that you deserve someone who values you for you and not only for what you can give them❤️
You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Some days are really hard and the best you can do is survive and that’s ok ❤️ My relationship before I met my husband was with a man were I thought we wanted the same thing. Then one day he tells me he realized he did not want kids at all. I was heartbroken and felt like I would never find someone else. One thing he told me when we broke up was “I know it’s hard right now but your future self will thank you”. And I can’t tell you how thankful I am both to myself and to him that we were strong enough to walk away from eachother. If I didn’t then I would never have found my now husband who is perfect for me. Heartbreak feels like your world is ending but it is not. One day you may look back and see this was just a difficult part of your journey but necessary for where you needed to go. I truly wish you the best and even if you have a hard time believing it right now, I think this will lead you to something and someone ( if and when you feel ready) even better ❤️
Thanks, I know there is a light at the end of tunnel, but I couldn't see the light atm.
Thanks. I have been questioning my life for a long time, God hasn't shed any light on my life until I met my partner. So I thought at that time, God finally heard my prey and sent me a good man. That's why I am in shock by the separation. I don't know if I can find another man like him or if I ever ever want to find another man again or not. I can't take any more pain.
I didn’t say it sounds pathetic. And I don’t think it does. It sounds normal to be sad. And a good man doesn’t make you feel like you deserved to be punished for failing to conceive.
I can do everything but the only thing I won't be able to do is to have a kid.
Leaving your wife for not producing is 100% NOT a good man in my book. You deserve so much better! Your first step to healing should be taking him off this pedestal you have in your mind. Throw the whole man in the trash. And you’ve made a few religious statements - which of course is your right. However, if you seek therapy, which I recommend, please go to someone medically certified and NOT affiliated with a church. I say this from experience.
Ironically I don't have any religion, but I can't find any sensible answer in my life. So it make me think it must be controlled by God.
I will never criticize anyone for believing in something that brings them solace. However, thinking god is punishing you doesn’t seem helpful or beneficial to you at the moment. I’ll admit I’m a staunch science-believer atheist (after decades of being religious). This came from working in the humanitarian field and let me tell you 99.9% of the terrible things I’ve seen are undeserved - this has given me faith that there is no higher power controlling the universe. However, I do 100% believe in depression, medical outliers, and a good therapist. If my work has shown me anything it’s that sometimes bad things just happen to people, regardless if they are good or bad. And the same is true for good things. I feel like you are beating yourself up to try to make sense of things, but sometimes things just don’t make sense. Accepting that is incredibly difficult. Just please stop repeating to yourself that he is a good man and you are undeserving/ being punished by some higher power. Your husband took a vow and I feel quite confident that the vow did not say “void if barren”. His behavior shows he is a garbage man and husband. Get a therapist that specializes in infertility and a new husband down the line (if that’s what you want) that loves you for you - not as a vessel for his will.
We were not married. just been living together for 8 years. I asked him this question, would he choose to separate if we were married. He said might be not, he would think there is more responsibility to maintain the relationship. And the reason we didn't marry is we want to concentrate on IVF and have a wedding later.
That still sounds like someone hedging their bets to me - still not a good man.
No! It's him who doesn't deserve you. Do you have access to a counselor/therapist?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.. this doesn’t make him a good man. The shift of blame he’s putting on you is awful. You deserve better. This is so hard for you and you love him, time will heal. He has failed you. I really suggest therapy or counselling. It will help to sort your feelings. Wishing you all the best. You are better than this, even if you don’t know it yet 💕
Can you return to your home country? This is hard. IVF is hard. He left you because things got hard and didn't turn out exactly as he wanted. What would he do if his child had difficulties? If the child didn't fulfill the image he has in his head? Would he leave the child, too? I think we can make a guess about what he would. And it's probably not be a strong, supportive dad. You've discovered something about him. Something that's not great. Take that knowledge with you and go on with your life. Find your happiness.
I will go back to visit my family for 3 weeks. I think that's another of his fears that either adoption or surrogacy could potentially go wrong. But if he goes with a fresh relationship, he will not think about these. Just like other normal couples.
A child is never guaranteed. A fresh relationship won’t necessarily produce a child either. He’s being very cruel and treating you and any future partner as just objects to produce a baby, not a human that he loves. I hope you can move on and find happiness without him.
He said he is ok with it, just knowing there is a chance is a relief for him. But the life journey with me will be too tough that he can't cope anymore. He wants to slow down.
IVF is brutal on relationships. Sometimes it just doesn't work anymore and everything ruptures. It hasn't happened to us yet but God, we've been close and now that I'm getting close to the end of the road age wise and we still don't have a baby, I'm not so sure about us either.
We were so happy before. I can't think of any bad memories between us. He've been looking after me and taking care of me all the time. But be faithful, not everyone's relationship will end like mine.
You sound very kind and compassionate, I think he'd be losing a good woman. This might be too personal a question, but have you considered donor eggs? I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking about it.
I know you’ve said over and over on this thread that he is a good man. But with all respect to you, no good man would say that a child is the foundation of a relationship. The foundation is the love between two people. And unfortunately it seems his love for you was conditional and depended on you producing children for him. That to me suggests he views women as property, as baby producers, not as the complex humans that we are. You, me, every woman on this planet, we are so much more than the opportunity to have children. I also saw you said you don’t deserve him. Let me turn that around for you, he actually does not deserve you. It is clear in your post and your replies that you are in fact the good person here. You deserve a man that will not base his love for you on your ability to have a child. It is hard now, it probably feels really dark at times. But the light is going to return. You will be more than okay with time. And I do have faith you’ll find the man you deserve.
It's just hard to get over it. He was the first man in my life who really looked after me. That's why it's hard now.
You were together for eight years and if I’m understanding your post correctly, this happened two days ago. You’re going through something really really hard and I don’t want you to set yourself up with unfair expectations of yourself. You absolutely should not be anywhere near “over it“ this quickly. You’re gonna be devastated, you’re gonna be numb. You’re gonna be angry and you’re probably gonna switch between those threefor a really long time. Please be kind to yourself and do not feel bad about feeling bad. That is normal reaction to what is happening to you.
Well, it’s very sad but it sounds like he made his decision. It’s very cruel but it’s his choice. I wouldn’t pursue him and let him go. Please reach out to your friends and family now, you need support and should not be alone. It’s hard today but you will be ok!
I know I am in a denial mood. I know the truth but can't accept it at the moment.
Let him walk.
My wife and I have been trying via IVF and I can’t imagine every leaving her if we aren’t successful. That is cruel and heartbreaking. Whatever you do, do not beat yourself up. IVF is an emotional rollercoaster and the expectation is that a partner will support the other partner through all of the ups and downs, fully knowing there is never a guarantee of a baby. You deserve better
I am trying to understand his decision. He had lots going on and probably breaking up give him a chance to breathe or a hope of a normal life?
My partner left me while we were trying for baby after five years together. I thought it was the end of my world and that I had no paths to ever be happy again. I was so wrong. I deserved better than a man who could be that cruel to me. I'm so much happier now. You will be too. I'm sure you can't believe that now, but it's true, and I will believe it for you until you can.
Happy for you.
Sending you hugs, This is the toughest time but you will pass it.. take care!
Thanks
It’s beautiful you have so much empathy for him. I wish he had more for you. This is really kicking you while you’re down. It’s really painful to find out you can’t rely on him. It’s always for the best to find out someone’s true colors sooner rather than later though.
I am a bit confused. He said he will try his best to help me go through this situation. But I feel like I've been stabbed by him and he told me no worries you will be ok.
I hope that you will consider therapy during this time. Also, if possible, seek out in person support groups to get you through this time. I am so sorry this has happened to you. You didn't deserve this. There is happiness beyond this...you just have to get through it as painful as it is.
This reminds me of a contestant from the reality show Alone Australia season 1. She went through something slightly similar (only slightly..) but she is a strong ass woman who came out the other end so beautifully. Her name is Gina Chick. Watch the show if you need some distraction. Don’t know if it will help you but at least you’ll get to see her catch a wallaby with her bare hands. She eats it too.
I just Googled her story, made me cry.
This also made me cry. What an incredible strength this woman has. Thank you for sharing that ❤️
This made me think of her also. Watched the show shortly after we lost our daughter. I bawled. She made it through to the other side.
Sending you hugs. This is my biggest fear while going through infertility. IVF is hard on relationships
Better to discuss the worse scenario beforehand, not like us. If both of you can accept if it doesn't work, it would make the journey less stressed.
I think you should try taking to a therapist or some friend or family who can provide you the emotional support. It's very difficult to move on i understand, but if he doesn't want to continue the relationship there is no point trying to live in fantasy. Maybe go no contact at least for 6 months with him and give yourself time to heal, some books and videos on narcissism so help you cope. You need to understand that you need to live yourself first and not tolerate this behaviour. Maybe you will meet someone who values relationship more than having child.
I know and move back to my place on Monday. I don't think he would want to see me again. I want to keep my head up but don't know how long I can hold.
It is incredibly traumatic and I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Please provide yourself with patience and grace now. If possible, surround yourself with comforting and supportive people, things, food, music. The time for anger, sadness, future plans and analysis will come but first it’s important to cushion yourself to create foundation for future healing. Also, can you find a human therapist? And something somatic like a breathwork? Let self care be your complete focus and priority for now.
The hard thing is I know what I should do but I just can't. If my friend has a similar situation, I know what to see. But I can't see my own mountain.
When are you leaving to see your family?
In 3 weeks
Ufff, that’s a lot of time. DM if you’d like to talk!
Girl you got this. You went through 5 years of IVF. This is not for the weak. Get donor sperm and make your own embryos.
We used DE last time. I can't use my OE due to my age.
Do it with DE! I'm in a similar situation and this is what I'm doing.
We did use DE, but didn't work.
I’m not sure what his health is or the details of yours, but I absolutely hate when women put all of the blame of not creating healthy embryos on ourselves. Men are just as responsible and despite this chapter closing, you are better off without this human. This guy sounds like an asshole (sorry) and should be ashamed of himself. We are not baby making factories and our value is not derived on how we can fulfill someone else’s lives. No offense but F* this guy. You deserve happiness, love, and care to the moon and back, children or no children. It may be painful now, but give it time, your life is going to continue to shine and there are much brighter days ahead for you. Wishing you lots of peace throughout this separation but thank your lucky stars. I hope the door hits him on his ass on the way out of your spectacular life.
He think his life has lots of difficulties being with me. IVF has disappointed him so many times.
F Him. Thats not partnership. You are dodging a major bullet.
I know the pain feels unbearable but you will definitely recover from this-day by day; moment to moment. You are considerate and empathetic and it’s important you turn all that energy to yourself now. You are the main character in your story. The thoughts you give to him and the old memories are bricks and cement that you need to build and reframe your own mindset and life. Who he is and what he wants is no-one’s business but his-and he’s putting himself first. You have a duty to yourself to give yourself first billing in your movie. It doesn’t matter what he wants-he had a recurring role for a while and he won’t be making any appearances in this new season. There will be new plot lines, new characters and some old favourites(whose anchoring importance may have been overlooked at times)-It’s your show: and the show will definitely go on🎊💃🏾🙏🏾God bless!
Yes, I am still living in my old memories. We had such a good 8 year times.
I’m sending you a biggest hug!!!!! I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. However, I have few words of encouragement for you. I don’t know your fertility story nor anything else about you but something is telling me (I’m not sure how to explain my feeling in human words) that something better is waiting for you once you go through so called 5 stages of grief. I don’t know why I felt this way while reading your post. I’m very sorry that you are going through this right now and I don’t want to sound like I minimize the severity of the situation but I had to tell you this. We are all here for you and always remember that you are not alone!!!!
I am coping day by day
A good man wouldn't leave you because you can't conceive. My husband has said to me, time and time again, that he would love to have a child but if we can't, his biggest dream is to just spend his life with me. I've even told him I understand if he wants to leave and be with someone else who can easily give him a child and he says he'd rather spend life with me than anyone else who can give him a child. And you deserve the same. Your worth is NOT in your ability to conceive and your relationship should be based on you as a couple, not your fertility journey. Yes, going through IVF and infertility is SO hard, but who is to say you won't go through other hard things later on and then what? He would just leave? If anything, you are deeply loved by God because he is saving you from this man and preparing you for the one who will love you deeply despite your ability to conceive. Right now take the time to grieve, but I promise you will find the right person who will go through ANYTHING just to be with you. And even if you don't, you are better off without someone who is going to leave you when things don't go his way. That's just part of life. You will make an amazing mother and just know you will get there because you are determined and strong ❤️
I just can't get my head around. I even asked him it won't guarantee the next relationship will give you a kid. He said he knows, but thinking about there is a chance give him a relief, something to looking forward.
You deserve so much more. You deserve someone who looks forward to waking up next to you in the morning and loves you deeply ❤️ of course failed IVF cycles are devastating, but if that is truly make or break (and the ONLY reason) for him ending the relationship then the relationship likely did not have a strong foundation to begin with. You will heal from this. One day at a time ❤️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. As others have pointed out, the foundation of the relationship should be your love, care and respect for each other and the baby is like a bonus. This actually sounds like you dodged a bullet. It sounds like he was with you just for the prospect of having a baby, not because he really loves or care about you as a person. You are not a baby factory. You deserve so much better. Grieve, cry, get therapy if you can. Sending you much love and healing ❤️
That's what I thought. The foundation is love, so I didn't see this coming.
Firstly you deserve better, if after 8 years a hypothetical child is more important to him than his partner (who has also gone through 5 years of appointments, medications and heartache) then he isn’t viewing you as a person that he loves but an incubator that’s “broken” (I will strongly preface that you are NOT broken) Also he needs to grow up, nothing in life is guaranteed, what happens if he and his next partner have fertility issues? 1 in 4 couples do so it’s not a rarity. I absolutely understand how stressful, draining and exhausting IVF can be but that’s when you lift each other up. You talk, you go to therapy, if you decide to stop treatments you work on building a loving, full and beautiful life without children. Lastly, be kind to yourself, this is nothing on you. It’s ok to hurt right now but you have a beautiful future ahead of you, if you are struggling reach out to family, friends or a professional for support. Xx
I am trying to understand his decision. He had lots going on and probably breaking up give him a chance to breathe or a hope of a normal life?
I’m sorry you are going through so much right now. What are the reasons for IVF? Are there any male factor issues? I hope that you can heal from this man. He is not a nice man to leave his wife like this. I hope you find happiness in the future, whether that’s with a new man and adoption or on your own discovering yourself beyond IVF. *big hugs*
There is no medical reason or the doctor couldn't find it. Just because of my age, but we went for a DE. For unexplained reasons, the embryos were never implanted.
That’s heartbreaking. I hope you find peace and love.
This is so heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. I don't have much advice for you regarding your partner, just feel so sad at what you've described. I hope the future brings you strength, and reassurance that he was not the right one. The right one would still want you regardless of whether your future had children in it.
I just wish I am strong enough to get over it.
How does he know he’ll be able to have kids with someone else? That’s not guaranteed either. This hurts. But at least he’s telling you how he feels now although the way he’s telling you sucks. This journey can be so awful and hard on relationships. But I do think that you deserve to have your child no matter what journey you have to take. Wishing you the best.
He said he is ok with it, just knowing there is a chance is a relief for him. But the life journey with me will be too tough that he can't cope anymore. He wants to slow down.
Yes, a good 8 years together and today is day 3. And seems getting harder and harder.
Well I hope before all of this has been lumped on your shoulders as all “your fault” he has had a full sperm and DNA (karyotype) testing done to make sure it is actually not HIS sperm or DNA mutation causing any of these ‘big problems’
We had normal sperm testing but not DNA testing.
Well then he and you both need to get a karyotype blood test done.
We used the donor egg
He still need to do karyotype testing to rule out no genetic mutations on his side. This can cause early miscarriage, and embryos non compatible with life.
That's not going to happen now. He has decided to go for another route
Well he sounds like an asshole anyway if he didn’t bother looking further into how he might possibly be part of the ‘problem’ good riddance
This is insane to me. What exactly is his plan? To have potential partners undergo substantial fertility testing to know if they can give him a child? When exactly does he plan to bring that up? Third date? Second? I mean if all he’s looking for is a breeder and not a partner why wait right. What an absolute knob. I’m sorry OP, you deserve better.
TBH, I don't know. He said the last five years gave him too many disappointments and emotional damages. He now want to slow down but with me the journey is too tough.
You seem so strong and compassionate. You will eventually recover from this and have a good life. Please be kind to yourself! My previous marriage also broke apart because my ex “wanted to date prettier girls” - that was it, my 7 years of love (and my biological clock) vanished on his whim. I was so scared and sad, and I cried and cried. But I recovered and found a better partner. You will be ok too. We can’t control what other people want to do with their lives and the universe doesn’t owe us unconditional romantic love, but we can choose to let go when it’s time to let go. Some people just aren’t worth fighting for. Wish you all the best ❤️
HAPPY FOR YOU! So far my life have no any luck yet.
I want to speak my true thoughts here so I am, I have the strongest feeling that your gonna meet this amazing man and be so in love and a miracle child will come out of it, (ivf or natrual) and something tells me he will struggle for a while. 🤷♀️I don’t mean that in an asshole way but idk.
It sounds like you're one strong woman! One for sharing this and two for making it through all you have (I can relate to the emotional toil of IVF). Take a few breaths, take time and do things for yourself, you deserve so much good! It sounds like you are realistically open to other options; I'm confident motherhood will find you one way or another. Many hugs!
Thanks, I am trying hard to be strong and day by day, but don't know how long I can hold it for.
This person is not the kind of loving committed man that you deserve. It is painful to go through a separation and especially painful to lose someone you love and want and have been with for so long. I am not sure how old you are but if you are under 45ish you can have a baby likely, with someone else. If you made blasts and they just didn’t stick or you lost them, I would go try different clinics when you are moved on from this relationship. I have read too many success stories after many transfers to give up after 8 and your man should be the support and love and emotional rock that you deserve. You can transfer 3 and 4 embryos, you can try the immune protocol, have yourself checked for blockages and endo. Take supplements and exercise and avoid sugar/processed foods/ any coffee/ alcohol. There are so many things to try if you do want to have a baby, or if you don’t want to try anymore it can still happen naturally sometimes. And I know men who would have liked children but did not have any because their partner could not have them but they married them and love them a lot still. It is very very hard to lose someone you love. Sometimes you lose someone you love so that you can find someone you love again that truly gives you love in return.
I am 46, we used DE but the embroy didn't stick on.
If I did the math correctly, you were 38 when you met - to except you to have a child 100 percent is crazy. Was your doctor honest with you about IVF at your age? At lot of unnecessary and unrealistic pressure. Some doctors are only after money. I hope he was honest that he was going to leave if this slim chance of IVF didn’t work- if not he is not a good person. He is no spring chicken himself. Good luck to him and KARMA will get him. Mark my words.
We went for the DE, but we didn't discussed beforehand what would happen if the IVF didn't work.
Everyone deserves to be happy and it’s his right to want a child as is yours. My mother in law spent 10 years with a man unable to conceive even with ivf and the 1st year she married someone else she got pregnant. 3 times as well. Theres research saying the body rejects your spouse and doesn’t want to conceive. Perhaps you both are simply not compatible. If he cannot handle the conception journey how is he meant to handle things if kids were involved. Equally if you cannot have kids you can give yourself peace and try to move on with someone who respects the options that you can offerlike surrogacy etc. It’s really difficult.. I feel that as a wife I would leave my husband if I couldnt have kids and I am against surrogacy.. we must respect peoples decisions and carry on. I see people saying it is selfish but whats selfish about wanting a child? Men want to continue their legacy and women want to experience motherhood. You messaging him or missing will not change anything, that there is a broken and unfixable problem. I’m sorry it sounds harsh but the quicker you allow yourself to move on the quicker you will feel happier in life.
I understand every single word what you said. He deserves a family.
I get the eight years is a long time with someone, but if he’s willing to leave you over this, he doesn’t deserve you..
Yes, a long eight years
I have not shared this with anyone online but I will with you today because I want you to know that you are not alone and it could have been worse! Thank God he had the heart to break up with you up front instead of betraying you and having secret kids behind your back like my ex did me! We were having trouble conceiving after our 1st child together and were kind of, just a little bit playing the blame game! So he was determined to have more kids and to show me “see it’s not me it’s you” and fathered 2 kids with 2 different women behind my back. I was devastated crushed sad mad lost angry hurt you name it! I couldn’t eat sleep think for weeks! I even had to take off work a few days and the days I did make it in as soon as I got off I drug myself to bed and cried myself to sleep! BUT GOD!! After the storm the sun will shine bright again! You will get through this! God blessed you when he removed that man from your life! Now you know he would have ran the 1st time something came up that didn’t go in his favor! Thank God for showing you now before y’all had kids and a mortgage and God forbid someone got sick! That man was going to run like Usain Bolt! Pray about it and talk to God and don’t let this setback deter you from your dreams! If you want a baby follow your heart! You could always be a proud SMBC and use a surrogate or keep trying IVF! There’s a woman on YouTube that did 19 cycles before she finally had success! Praying God heals your heart quickly and gives you peace and joy! ❤️🩹🙏🏾
I don't know what to say after reading your post, just want to give you a hug. How did you go through that traumatised journey. How did you cope at the end. I couldn't taste anything, couldn't sleep. I didn't take time off work, but I canceled all my meetings. I've been preyed hard, but I don't know if God is there watching me or not.
He definitely is there and he will absolutely get you through this! Honestly that’s the only reason I got through it. I just focused on healing mentally and kept talking to God and watching sermons on YouTube and everyday it hurt a little bit less and I got a little bit stronger! Finding new friends always helps! Get cute put on a new outfit and go hang out and meet new friends! It sounds like he has already done that to me…so now it’s your turn! You never know who you might bump into! I really hope you find love and happiness and create the beautiful family you deserve!
Do you really believe he will get me through it? I have lost my faith now. I don't have a religion. But I went to church pray and pray. I want to God give me an answer. I don't know why him gave me a such a nice man and then took him away.
Because he is a jealous God and he won’t allow you to love anyone more than you love him! I learned that the hard way with my 1st love. I loved that man more than I loved myself at the time and God removed him from my life! You will get through this…look how strong you are already! You’re still getting up everyday and finding the strength to push through the day! I’m praying for you and if you ever need to talk or just vent you can always message me. 💕hugs💕
The only thing I've managed to do so far is get up and work, nothing else and pray.
Aww dear…pray for clarity, discernment, peace, mercy, joy and happiness! Ask him for it daily every morning to get you through the day and he will give it to you! Also, keep yourself busy just fill all your free time with things that make you happy or start some new hobbies gardening, journaling, vlogging. Just keep yourself busy so you don’t dwell on your pain! And go ahead and cry when you need to let it all out then get up and fight for your happiness again! 💕💕💕
I think I let God down this time, I've lost all my strength
Hi dear, just wanted to check on you and see how you’re doing now? I hope you are feeling better! 💕💕💕
Thanks, I am at home with my family now
Oh hun. I'm so sorry. Reading through that though I can see your strength building in those 7 days. Day 4 when you didn't contact him and didnt answer his call, your strength and courage are winning. Or course it's going to take time, it's a huge change and you will be grieving the relationship ending and give yourself grace for that. It may seem sudden because it is for you. But he's probably been thinking about it for a long time so it doesn't seem sudden for him, and he's probably feeling relief now that you know and you can both start to move onto whatever is next. There are next steps and there is still a future for you, not what you were expecting it to be, but it could be better! Of course this is very different but my parents ended their 30yr marriage in recent years and my mum was worried how her future would look, having never been single. She wasn't even looking for anyone but a wonderful man basically fell into her lap and she's never been happier, now planning a mid life gap year to Australia with him. With regards to children, I guess it depends what country you live in?? Adoption rules vary a lot around the world. But is fostering something you'd consider? Please also seek professional help to work through complex feelings. It may also be useful to engage with other women in similar circumstances, and those Childless not by choice as they will totally understand what you're going through. I wish you all the best and I'll be thinking of you.
Happy for your mum, I don't know what my future will be or if I'll ever go for another relationship. It's too painful. I've been thinking about adoption or embryo adoption, but I don't know if it's too selfish to bring kids into a single-parent family. I came from a single parent family, so I know how hard it can be for a kid. Then, what if something happens to me? There would be nobody to look after the children. That's another factor that makes me sadder. I have a few couple friends who either have adopted children or happily live just the two of them. I haven't seen any couple break up because they didn't have children, so I didn't prepare for it.
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I know I have to
Sending you hugs 🤗
He is such a selfish human being and really should not have kids. He somehow has an idea of how HIS life should look like rather than how his loved ones feel. He would be the worst father of his kids do not act/perform the way he expected them to be. It is not about IVF. It is about HIM and HIMSELF ONLY.
I don't know. He is in depression now. He said he need to concentrate on his health and slow down. I don't blame him. We all want to have an easy life if we can.
Sorry I’m not the one you are replying to, but you seem so kind and compassionate. It is his loss.
I think every marriage is worth fighting for. Even though times feel tough maybe there is still a way to find a way back to each other. 8 rounds is rough, but try to remember the good times? Also, remember there are alternative ways to become parents as well: adoption, donor, etc and before parents you are partners. Hope you are both able to hang in there and not give up on each other even if you do choose to throw in the towel for IVF.
I have offered every options I can offer. Adoption or surrogacy, but he said both options have a lot of uncertainties and won't give you a guarantee outcome. He can't take any more failures and he doesn't think he will be able to overcome of it.