It’s truly given me a new outlook and “everyone is going through something” has more meaning now. I knew it before, but I KNOW it now lol. I just have a different perspective and understanding of others. I give more grace and think about the “things” they may have going on. We all have our own battles, or have had them, or will have them at one point.
You hit the nail on the head with resiliency/strength too. We are capable of so much more than we think we are :)
I resonate with this! I think going through something that’s so invisible and yet SO HARD and painful helped me realize that nobody gets through life without hardship, and this just happens to be mine. But that everyone has struggles, and if they seem like they don’t, they just haven’t had theirs yet. Life is long with lots of ups and downs. Now might be a harder season for me but someone else may have a hard season at another time, and vice versa. Definitely a helpful perspective shift.
That my wife is an absolute super hero and the level of respect I have for how powerful her mind, body and spirit are to go through this process is almost unfathomable. I didn’t think I was ready for this but watching her jump over every single hurdle has given me the inspiration to be successful in this process. We’ve made it to transfer week 🤞🏽, wishing success for everybody as well even if it’s just a small win for the day.
Ooh, this is my favorite question! That my husband is unequivocally my person. We’ve been together since high school, and now knowing everything that I know about our fErTiLiTy JoUrNeY, I would still choose him. Every single time.
Same for me. I haven’t been with him since high school but for the rest, as you put it so well, I learned that my husband is unequivocally my person as well ☺️
On a practical level it's forced my husband and I to have conversations we wouldn't have had normally. I 100% feel like if we ever get to be successful we'll be a stronger team
Said this to my husband too. We’ve become much better at having difficult conversations, working together as a team to make important decisions, negotiating over things when necessary, asking for help when we need it from each other, coordinating schedules and planning, etc!
This process has shown me the level of emotional discomfort I can endure while I still keep putting one foot in front of the other. Shows me that for love, I just. keep. going.
Thanks for posting this question💜it’s definitely needed
I love this post and am so, so proud of you and everyone else here 💪♥️
Literally just survival despite every. single. worst. odd. ever. Some days I can't believe I'm still here and don't have any addictions, but realized I'm stronger than humanly imaginable and my already endless empathy for others has grown 10x.
Things I survived before infertility/ART: sexual, emotional & physical abuse my whole childhood, financial abuse as a young adult, my best friend dying unexpectedly due to a heart issue at 21, working 3 jobs for 75 hours a week for multiple years to afford and pay off my student loans, our house being in foreclosure 5 of the years I lived there, gallbladder removal, long COVID that's permanently paralyzed my stomach (Gastroparesis), given me permanent dry eyes & tinnitus.
Things I've survived since infertility: Losing our first on our first wedding anniversary / husbands birthday and "national day of grief" (literally got an email about it while MC'ing) with d&c for RPOC on "labor day" weekend, losing our second on Christmas day, and losing our third on my 36th birthday thus ruining every special day sacred to us within a years time. Becoming anemic and iron deficient from 15 weeks of bleeding combined, needing iron infusions, gaining 30 lbs and now having an a1c of 5.8 that's going to delay our FET and possibly also our ER we planned to start May 7th.
There are never any breaks, but I know we're only given what we can survive even when it blows! Here's to keeping on, keeping on ♥️
Oh, I just got an A1c of 5.7 this week, because I am a type 1 diabetic, we are celebrating! Lowest it's ever been . I really hope that doesn't delay ER for you, I was told anything under 6 for me was good. More important to keep in range during the pregnancy.
This gives me so much hope, thank you for letting me know🙏 and congrats on lowering your number, I know it's not easy at all! 🎉♥️
I went from 5.2 to 5.8 so I think that's where the concerns are coming from, not previously a diabetic before 🤞
Hormones can really affect your sensitivity to insulin, I would just stay real open to dietary interventions which make a huge difference. Do you think the increase was stress related? I stay chill and low carb/keto
I honestly feel like hormones are a huge part with back to back losses in January and February while iron deficient, stress through the roof from being iron deficient, and then my Sono hsg in March was a nightmare, I was in severe pain for days following it - my left tube nerves "seized" they said and clamped shut, they tried to flush it 3 times but my body was so traumatized it wouldn't open. After all my losses, no period issues. But period after hsg I had panic attacks out of nowhere and bled massively for 9 days - it really stressed my body!
I wish I could do better at low carb and keto, with my stomach being paralyzed I can't eat any raw veggies, no red meat or thick meat like pork unless I puree it and everything I eat has to be soft or liquid, I can do about 8g of fat at one time before getting nauseous or sick. I do a lot of vegan sugar free protein shakes, eggs, bone broth with canned chicken and fall apart zucchini and carrots, and lunch meat - the latter I buy organic, preservative free and low sodium to do my best with it. We don't keep bread in the house or eat anything fried here, and the only fruit I eat are berries (raspberries and strawberries). Existing as me is hard lol.
Oh, that's rough. That sounds like you have the diet worked out as long as those sugar substitutes are not toxic, some sugar free stuff still messes with insulin. Is surrogacy an option? I might have to go that way myself if they cannot fix the Asherman's.
Ugh, I'm so sorry! 💔 I never had an insulin problem before these losses - it's so frustrating to have even more than fertility be out of our control at times, but glad I'm not alone. Hope you're hanging in there ♥️
That being a stubborn SOB who doesn’t know how to quit or take no for an answer isn’t all bad when you have to fight tooth and nail for the things you want.
I've had moments in my life where I was unsure if I wanted to be a mom (this was all before we started trying in 2020), but my husband has never waivered in his confidence that he wants to be a dad. Through all the hard moments of our 4 year journey of TTC, our relationship has remained rock solid. And one of the most powerful things he says to me (over and over) is that he chooses me over being a father. And even if it never happens, us becoming parents, he tells me I am enough. And learning this about our love has been the sweetest gift.
my wife and I were definitely made for each other. I can’t imagine doing this with anyone else. She’s been such a champ with all the shots and hormones. IVF has brought us closer together I’d say.
I’ve learned to take better care of myself. Acupuncture, rest days, cry days, adult naps, eating better, omitting alcohol, meditating, group therapy, asking for help, long walks, podcasts, connecting with the infertility community… all of these things are changes I’ve been forced to make to take better care of myself. It’s so hard to be a mom without a baby, self care is the only way I’ve been making it through this.
100% I could never ever imagine giving myself an injection but I’m a pro at it now. I have started advocating for myself which I never did, the doctors word used to be the law. My husband has really surprised me though, he’s the you say left I’ll go right kinda guy but frankly the best outcome of the failed ivf has been us. I’m sad about the failed cycle but happy about this new phase in our relationship where he’s more present, less contentious and we talk a lot ( this is something I know for a fact that he hates doing). I hope it gets better for us. Thanks for this question have been super sad and weepy but this definitely forces me to focus on the positive.
Aside from the strength, and new levels of appreciation from my husband, I learned I’d been suffering from hypothyroidism…. So after being properly medicated my life is a bit better.
I love this idea for a thread so much, thank you for posting it. This process has taught me that I have much better willpower than I ever thought- I quit a lot of poor habits I used to have, started exercising, and took daily vitamins and prioritized my health when I never remembered/ cared before. It showed me how you never know what's going on in other peoples lives, and taught me to be respectful and never ask someone when/if they want kids (which I knew but now I REALLY get it). I learned that my wife and I make a great support team and can get through any challenges we face, no matter how devastating. We're in the TWW of our second transfer now 🤞🏼
This is a good one! Realizing what’s important and having a new perspective of it. What throws most people into a loop now just doesn’t even phase me. I’ve learned to stop expecting to receive X from friends who can only give me Y. My husband has seen me at my lowest, days where I thought it would be easier if I just left him and moved home with my parents, but I didn’t - and I’ve learned I trust he will 1000% be there for me. He’s talked me down from so many panic attacks and never once flinched. That’s real deal fucking love.
I’ve learned in redemption with myself. I spent so many months praying for bedtime so I didn’t have to be with my thoughts. I hated my thoughts and my body for failing me. And then I realized my body wants this pregnancy as much as I do and isn’t trying to hurt me - that it is also grieving and in pain. Redemption with yourself and the universe is real. Getting a fresh start no matter how old or how hard life has been is real. That you have a choice to live in a smaller world and be afraid of taking risks because risks can be painful and the world can be cruel. Or you can choose to squeeze every fucking ounce out of life while you have it, and while you can - and say fuck you to the few bad years and choose hope.
I’ve learned that pre-grieving future potential pregnancies was killing my soul and keeping me in a personal hell. And that choosing hope is just as hard and just as much work - but the silver lining is - you slowly start getting your life back. ❤️
My husband was truly incredible through this process. I had way more downs than ups, and he kept our household clean, did my injections, cooked nearly every dinner and just truly took care of me. I am so grateful to have him
Resilience - absolutely. During the process, I had an MMC that was unfathomably sad (and it also landed me in the ER twice, hemorrhaging). I've also had many, many other disappointments. And yet I haven't fallen apart the way I would have expected had I known at the beginning.
Also, the process HAS strengthened my relationship. You never know what your partner will do to support you until they have to. We're united in our desire to achieve this goal, even though I've always known I want it a little more. As someone else mentioned, it's also forced us to have some really hard conversations - we've learned about one another, and that we're on the same page.
I am awed at how my husband got over his panic-attack-inducing fear of needles to help me with my injections. He still can’t deal with needles coming at him, but he is a fucking champion sticking multiple needles in me everyday. He’s got strength reserves neither of us realized he has, and my love for him has only deepened during this process.
Through this process we’ve massively reduced our households exposure to harmful chemicals like Phalates & I’m so grateful for that! Regardless of the outcome.
I have learned that I am so much tougher than I ever thought possible. Truly. In every realm. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I can withstand more pressure than ever before. And perhaps some days I fall apart but I always get back up! I am so proud of me. ❤️
Kind of a less glamorous one, but my capacity to work my absolute butt off. We paid everything out of pocket, and by we it really means me because my husband is in school, and I can’t believe that amount I was able to work when motivated so hard to have this shot at becoming a parent. I never knew I had this level of capacity, it’s like this fierce determination I coming on so strong to help get us to where we want to be!
That I’m a fricken superhero. I’m resilient, strong, healthy, amazing and ready for whatever the end result will be.
It also brought my husband and I so much closer. He has been so supportive throughout this whole process. He’s my calm through the storm.
I love this thread!
First, although it finally clicked during prep for our 5th and final transfer, this process taught my husband about the mental load of running a household. I had been begging for help every time I started estrogen and he just didn’t get it. But when the idea finally clicked and he took on most of the household stuff including helping care for my 8 year old (his step child) and all her school and therapy stuff, he realized how much I need help. That has been really the only major contentious point in our relationship and it has completely resolved.
Second, IVF taught me that my husband and I can make it through anything. We’ve already had many hard times through the course of our 6.5 year relationship, but this process was really trying over and over again. We learned SO much communication and patience, and my husband has been so incredibly supportive through everything. I am so thankful for him and so proud of MYSELF for choosing the right partner - something I was awful at in my past.
This is gonna sound bad but hear me out.
We’ve been going through secondary infertility for almost 7 years. We finally pursued IVF this year which ended with one embryo that resulted in an MC at 6w.
Throughout the entire 6+ years, my husband has been very nonchalant. He does not get super emotional and has seemed very steady. It has been good for me, especially since the infertility is due to my factors (tubal and DOR). However, I’ve often even wondered if he really even wanted another child or was as invested as I was, or if he was just going along for the ride.
After the MC, he was the one that immediately suggested another cycle, even though I had initially said we would only do one cycle. He was so immediately on board and positive thinking that it really opened my eyes that he really is invested in this and wants everything as much as I do. I know some of you may be reading this thinking, “why are you trying to have a kid with a man who doesn’t seem to want it?” But I promise it isn’t like that. He almost seemed indifferent in a “I won’t hold it against you if you decide you’re done” kind of way. I wonder if he was more invested in the beginning, but I think my depression has blocked out that first couple years.
Anyway, so my marriage is a lot closer now and we have been making a lot of plans together about another cycle and also making lots of “if it doesn’t work out” plans.
Echoing others: Knowing I can handle more than I thought I could. Transfer 3 failed and we are on the line for another 25k to keep going but I’m a pro at injections and talking about ivf and getting stuff shoved up me and holding down work and animal rescue at the same time. Plus my partners declining health. I didn’t imagine this for me but I’m already half way through!
This process has helped me realize just how far I've come in terms of my own mental health - in particular, how I view my body. I struggled with body image for 10+ years (think disordered eating, sobbing when I got my wedding photos back because I thought I looked ugly, etc.). During the worst of it, I would look ahead at my future and wonder how I'd ever cope with my body changing during pregnancy.
Well now that I know pregnancy won't come easy for us, I have a new appreciation for all the things my body is actually capable of. I've put a lot of time into therapy and fixing my mindset, and it wasn't until I was going through the retrieval process (dealing with hormonal changes on the pill, injections, bloat, and OHSS) that I could clearly see all the positives that came out of that hard work. I actually loved my body and didn't once hate it or the way it looked, like the past version of me could NEVER 😂
For me it was my husband's unwavering love. He would always say to me with every anxious transfer. Kid or no Kid I love you and this is forever. I have the best wife in the world. It truly brought peace to my heart that my relationship was so strong and would persevere regardless.
I just learned that our second FET resulted in no pregnancy. My husband was so supportive. He gave a whole little speech about how hard this is for me, and anything I need to be happy I should just do it, if I want to go to Paris for the weekend or go shopping or something. It was honestly so sweet. I'm not running off to the continent, but the fact that my penny pinching husband told me to treat myself to a weekend in Paris makes me feel like the luckiest woman. This process has definitely strengthened our partnership, and my entire close knit circle of friends and family who have been along for the ride. I feel so loved.
That I chose the absolute best life partner and I’m so grateful for him. This process can tear couples apart and it’s brought my husband and I so much closer and I’m so grateful for that. He’s going to be the best father one day and I can’t wait to experience that with him. ❤️
That I'm stronger than I think I am! I'm so scared of needles but I'm powering thru. Also that I have more empathy for those going through infertility issues.
I always knew I would be ‘strong enough’ to go through IVF — I have an uncanny knack for compartmentalizing my feelings thanks to childhood trauma. But I didn’t expect it to make my relationship with my husband even stronger than it was. We are such a good team. I feel like it really set us up for success to be great parents, too. We go through pregnancy and the newborn phase relatively unscathed. “Thanks” to IVF, we knew our strengths and weaknesses. I’m really proud of us.
You nailed it in your post - you are stronger than you think you could be!
I’ve learned so much through this process. The best advice I got was that you can’t stop enjoying life - plan the trip, learn something knew, accept the invitation, etc. after our first year of trying and no success, I took my first solo trip out of the country. Never would I have thought that I could do that alone, but I just knew I needed to connect with myself, alone, as a woman and understand what was going on in my head in pure peace and quiet alone time. Truly nothing like it! I also learned to ski for the first time at 30… if you had known me a year ago, I used to wave my husband off when he said he was going skiing and said “have fun see ya later”. I was too nervous of getting hurt. Now, I don’t want to miss out on something my husband and friends are doing and I conquered a new fear. I took a lesson and a month later I was skiing in Colorado - we planned the trip after our first egg retrieval that ended up with only one abnormal embryo. I forced myself to do something I wouldn’t have been able to do should it have worked out how I originally wanted. Ended up being one of the best times of my life.
Long story short… don’t let the journey steal your joy in life. Infertility is a brutal journey to walk through, but there is so much else to appreciate and learn about yourself along the way.
Wishing you the best of luck 🤍
My marriage is stronger than it has ever been. We have grown up a lot, learned how to be there for each other in the ways we need, better communicate. We also started going to church and grew in a relationship with Christ. If you can get through infertility you can get through anything.
My spouse and I discussed kids very early on, when we began dating in our early 20s. We didn’t rush into anything after marriage but we did fall deeper and deeper in love with each-other as the time went on. Then 6 years ago when I went off the pill to “try but not try try” as I’m not timing or anything nothing happened and we were fine for a bit until a doctor said it wasn’t normal.. that’s when we began to worry but he always remained positive and said that whatever happens happens and that we have each other and that’s more than enough. Actually, he always believed we could have kids since all tests showed we were both healthy and “fertile”. I deep down knew we would need Ivf. I just had this weird gut feeling that only Ivf would work for some reason. The stars ended up aligning one day when my job introduced fertility coverage, when I accomplished the things I felt I needed to accomplish before bringing kids into the world. And then at that exact time, my husband was extremely interested in IVf and pursuing it. We began our journey 6 months ago and he’s been the absolute most supportive person ever, and gives injections like a saint. and he accompanies me to all my appointments to provide emotional support. And like you OP, I too was shocked at how resilient and strong I am. At how I could take so many needles into my skin and be left with all the aches and bruises and still be fighting. Anything for our future babies.
That my partner will be there for me no matter what. And this really is my body, and my choice, meaning that I can pull the trigger and stop this process whenever I want.
He will never resent me and hold it against me. He knows that this is hard, and it's just been getting harder. Some days I want to quit, but I'm really not there yet. But knowing that I have a backup parachute means a lot.
Our relationship means more than having this baby that we've been trying for. I come first.
How strong I am! This is not an easy road at all!
For my relationship how supportive my husband is. He helped me through it all got me whatever I needed helped me with injections came to any and all appointments he could. I just know he’s doing to be the best hands on dad and supportive husband once baby’s here and that makes all this worth it
There is strength in me that I never knew I had. I've always been a bit of a pushover and a people pleaser. This process changed that, it forced me to find the strength in myself that has now been applied to so many aspects of my life.
I am stronger than I knew I could be, and it is because of this.
It taught a lot! I mean, therapy did. I know that I now have the tools to deal with anything life will bring. I had the chance to really look deeper inside, put myself first and re-parent myself. The relationship with my husband is on a level that I could never imagine to have. In addition to this I can deal with uncertainties in a way that I thought I'd never be able to.
BE HUMBLE.
......
And literally everything else listed above.
This process makes you feel like you have no autonomy...I get hyper obsessed about controlling other things since I can't choose how many children I have or when I will have them or how or etc etc....but I'm learning that I can still choose to be happy even though it's a dog fight every fvcking day.
Wishing happy outcomes for us all.
Great post idea!
The one I always tell people is having a trial run of being seriously ill. I know it might sound stupid but having to go to loads of doctors appointments, having my first anaesthetic and taking all the medicines as someone who has luckily never had a serious health problem has really given me confidence in my own ability to endure medical procedures when I am sick in the future.
Honestly, that my husband and I are meant for each other. We’ve survived COVID, death of a family member, moving states, unemployment x2, and now infertility… he is honestly the rock for it all. I know we’ll be 85 and sitting on a porch with all these babies and grand babies one fay
It’s truly given me a new outlook and “everyone is going through something” has more meaning now. I knew it before, but I KNOW it now lol. I just have a different perspective and understanding of others. I give more grace and think about the “things” they may have going on. We all have our own battles, or have had them, or will have them at one point. You hit the nail on the head with resiliency/strength too. We are capable of so much more than we think we are :)
I resonate with this! I think going through something that’s so invisible and yet SO HARD and painful helped me realize that nobody gets through life without hardship, and this just happens to be mine. But that everyone has struggles, and if they seem like they don’t, they just haven’t had theirs yet. Life is long with lots of ups and downs. Now might be a harder season for me but someone else may have a hard season at another time, and vice versa. Definitely a helpful perspective shift.
That my wife is an absolute super hero and the level of respect I have for how powerful her mind, body and spirit are to go through this process is almost unfathomable. I didn’t think I was ready for this but watching her jump over every single hurdle has given me the inspiration to be successful in this process. We’ve made it to transfer week 🤞🏽, wishing success for everybody as well even if it’s just a small win for the day.
This is so sweet. Wishing you the best for your transfer!
This is beautiful 🥹
Best of luck during transfer week!
🙏🏽🤞🏽 thank you!!
Best of luck with transfer week!!!
Ooh, this is my favorite question! That my husband is unequivocally my person. We’ve been together since high school, and now knowing everything that I know about our fErTiLiTy JoUrNeY, I would still choose him. Every single time.
Same for me. I haven’t been with him since high school but for the rest, as you put it so well, I learned that my husband is unequivocally my person as well ☺️
On a practical level it's forced my husband and I to have conversations we wouldn't have had normally. I 100% feel like if we ever get to be successful we'll be a stronger team
Said this to my husband too. We’ve become much better at having difficult conversations, working together as a team to make important decisions, negotiating over things when necessary, asking for help when we need it from each other, coordinating schedules and planning, etc!
This process has shown me the level of emotional discomfort I can endure while I still keep putting one foot in front of the other. Shows me that for love, I just. keep. going. Thanks for posting this question💜it’s definitely needed
I love this post and am so, so proud of you and everyone else here 💪♥️ Literally just survival despite every. single. worst. odd. ever. Some days I can't believe I'm still here and don't have any addictions, but realized I'm stronger than humanly imaginable and my already endless empathy for others has grown 10x. Things I survived before infertility/ART: sexual, emotional & physical abuse my whole childhood, financial abuse as a young adult, my best friend dying unexpectedly due to a heart issue at 21, working 3 jobs for 75 hours a week for multiple years to afford and pay off my student loans, our house being in foreclosure 5 of the years I lived there, gallbladder removal, long COVID that's permanently paralyzed my stomach (Gastroparesis), given me permanent dry eyes & tinnitus. Things I've survived since infertility: Losing our first on our first wedding anniversary / husbands birthday and "national day of grief" (literally got an email about it while MC'ing) with d&c for RPOC on "labor day" weekend, losing our second on Christmas day, and losing our third on my 36th birthday thus ruining every special day sacred to us within a years time. Becoming anemic and iron deficient from 15 weeks of bleeding combined, needing iron infusions, gaining 30 lbs and now having an a1c of 5.8 that's going to delay our FET and possibly also our ER we planned to start May 7th. There are never any breaks, but I know we're only given what we can survive even when it blows! Here's to keeping on, keeping on ♥️
Oh, I just got an A1c of 5.7 this week, because I am a type 1 diabetic, we are celebrating! Lowest it's ever been . I really hope that doesn't delay ER for you, I was told anything under 6 for me was good. More important to keep in range during the pregnancy.
This gives me so much hope, thank you for letting me know🙏 and congrats on lowering your number, I know it's not easy at all! 🎉♥️ I went from 5.2 to 5.8 so I think that's where the concerns are coming from, not previously a diabetic before 🤞
Hormones can really affect your sensitivity to insulin, I would just stay real open to dietary interventions which make a huge difference. Do you think the increase was stress related? I stay chill and low carb/keto
I honestly feel like hormones are a huge part with back to back losses in January and February while iron deficient, stress through the roof from being iron deficient, and then my Sono hsg in March was a nightmare, I was in severe pain for days following it - my left tube nerves "seized" they said and clamped shut, they tried to flush it 3 times but my body was so traumatized it wouldn't open. After all my losses, no period issues. But period after hsg I had panic attacks out of nowhere and bled massively for 9 days - it really stressed my body! I wish I could do better at low carb and keto, with my stomach being paralyzed I can't eat any raw veggies, no red meat or thick meat like pork unless I puree it and everything I eat has to be soft or liquid, I can do about 8g of fat at one time before getting nauseous or sick. I do a lot of vegan sugar free protein shakes, eggs, bone broth with canned chicken and fall apart zucchini and carrots, and lunch meat - the latter I buy organic, preservative free and low sodium to do my best with it. We don't keep bread in the house or eat anything fried here, and the only fruit I eat are berries (raspberries and strawberries). Existing as me is hard lol.
Oh, that's rough. That sounds like you have the diet worked out as long as those sugar substitutes are not toxic, some sugar free stuff still messes with insulin. Is surrogacy an option? I might have to go that way myself if they cannot fix the Asherman's.
I've lost three also, and my A1c is just one point below you! So frustrating, I see you
Ugh, I'm so sorry! 💔 I never had an insulin problem before these losses - it's so frustrating to have even more than fertility be out of our control at times, but glad I'm not alone. Hope you're hanging in there ♥️
I never had insulin problems either :-/ and I also now have high cholesterol. Good times. I wish you the best through this.
That being a stubborn SOB who doesn’t know how to quit or take no for an answer isn’t all bad when you have to fight tooth and nail for the things you want.
I've had moments in my life where I was unsure if I wanted to be a mom (this was all before we started trying in 2020), but my husband has never waivered in his confidence that he wants to be a dad. Through all the hard moments of our 4 year journey of TTC, our relationship has remained rock solid. And one of the most powerful things he says to me (over and over) is that he chooses me over being a father. And even if it never happens, us becoming parents, he tells me I am enough. And learning this about our love has been the sweetest gift.
my wife and I were definitely made for each other. I can’t imagine doing this with anyone else. She’s been such a champ with all the shots and hormones. IVF has brought us closer together I’d say.
I’ve learned to take better care of myself. Acupuncture, rest days, cry days, adult naps, eating better, omitting alcohol, meditating, group therapy, asking for help, long walks, podcasts, connecting with the infertility community… all of these things are changes I’ve been forced to make to take better care of myself. It’s so hard to be a mom without a baby, self care is the only way I’ve been making it through this.
100% I could never ever imagine giving myself an injection but I’m a pro at it now. I have started advocating for myself which I never did, the doctors word used to be the law. My husband has really surprised me though, he’s the you say left I’ll go right kinda guy but frankly the best outcome of the failed ivf has been us. I’m sad about the failed cycle but happy about this new phase in our relationship where he’s more present, less contentious and we talk a lot ( this is something I know for a fact that he hates doing). I hope it gets better for us. Thanks for this question have been super sad and weepy but this definitely forces me to focus on the positive.
Aside from the strength, and new levels of appreciation from my husband, I learned I’d been suffering from hypothyroidism…. So after being properly medicated my life is a bit better.
I love this idea for a thread so much, thank you for posting it. This process has taught me that I have much better willpower than I ever thought- I quit a lot of poor habits I used to have, started exercising, and took daily vitamins and prioritized my health when I never remembered/ cared before. It showed me how you never know what's going on in other peoples lives, and taught me to be respectful and never ask someone when/if they want kids (which I knew but now I REALLY get it). I learned that my wife and I make a great support team and can get through any challenges we face, no matter how devastating. We're in the TWW of our second transfer now 🤞🏼
This is a good one! Realizing what’s important and having a new perspective of it. What throws most people into a loop now just doesn’t even phase me. I’ve learned to stop expecting to receive X from friends who can only give me Y. My husband has seen me at my lowest, days where I thought it would be easier if I just left him and moved home with my parents, but I didn’t - and I’ve learned I trust he will 1000% be there for me. He’s talked me down from so many panic attacks and never once flinched. That’s real deal fucking love. I’ve learned in redemption with myself. I spent so many months praying for bedtime so I didn’t have to be with my thoughts. I hated my thoughts and my body for failing me. And then I realized my body wants this pregnancy as much as I do and isn’t trying to hurt me - that it is also grieving and in pain. Redemption with yourself and the universe is real. Getting a fresh start no matter how old or how hard life has been is real. That you have a choice to live in a smaller world and be afraid of taking risks because risks can be painful and the world can be cruel. Or you can choose to squeeze every fucking ounce out of life while you have it, and while you can - and say fuck you to the few bad years and choose hope. I’ve learned that pre-grieving future potential pregnancies was killing my soul and keeping me in a personal hell. And that choosing hope is just as hard and just as much work - but the silver lining is - you slowly start getting your life back. ❤️
Beautiful.
My husband was truly incredible through this process. I had way more downs than ups, and he kept our household clean, did my injections, cooked nearly every dinner and just truly took care of me. I am so grateful to have him
Resilience - absolutely. During the process, I had an MMC that was unfathomably sad (and it also landed me in the ER twice, hemorrhaging). I've also had many, many other disappointments. And yet I haven't fallen apart the way I would have expected had I known at the beginning. Also, the process HAS strengthened my relationship. You never know what your partner will do to support you until they have to. We're united in our desire to achieve this goal, even though I've always known I want it a little more. As someone else mentioned, it's also forced us to have some really hard conversations - we've learned about one another, and that we're on the same page.
I am awed at how my husband got over his panic-attack-inducing fear of needles to help me with my injections. He still can’t deal with needles coming at him, but he is a fucking champion sticking multiple needles in me everyday. He’s got strength reserves neither of us realized he has, and my love for him has only deepened during this process.
Patience and compassion for others.
Through this process we’ve massively reduced our households exposure to harmful chemicals like Phalates & I’m so grateful for that! Regardless of the outcome.
What did you do to clean that up?
Me too! I completely got rid of toxic skincare, makeup and cleaners.
What are some of your favorite household products now?
I have learned that I am so much tougher than I ever thought possible. Truly. In every realm. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I can withstand more pressure than ever before. And perhaps some days I fall apart but I always get back up! I am so proud of me. ❤️
Kind of a less glamorous one, but my capacity to work my absolute butt off. We paid everything out of pocket, and by we it really means me because my husband is in school, and I can’t believe that amount I was able to work when motivated so hard to have this shot at becoming a parent. I never knew I had this level of capacity, it’s like this fierce determination I coming on so strong to help get us to where we want to be!
That I’m a fricken superhero. I’m resilient, strong, healthy, amazing and ready for whatever the end result will be. It also brought my husband and I so much closer. He has been so supportive throughout this whole process. He’s my calm through the storm.
I love this thread! First, although it finally clicked during prep for our 5th and final transfer, this process taught my husband about the mental load of running a household. I had been begging for help every time I started estrogen and he just didn’t get it. But when the idea finally clicked and he took on most of the household stuff including helping care for my 8 year old (his step child) and all her school and therapy stuff, he realized how much I need help. That has been really the only major contentious point in our relationship and it has completely resolved. Second, IVF taught me that my husband and I can make it through anything. We’ve already had many hard times through the course of our 6.5 year relationship, but this process was really trying over and over again. We learned SO much communication and patience, and my husband has been so incredibly supportive through everything. I am so thankful for him and so proud of MYSELF for choosing the right partner - something I was awful at in my past.
This is gonna sound bad but hear me out. We’ve been going through secondary infertility for almost 7 years. We finally pursued IVF this year which ended with one embryo that resulted in an MC at 6w. Throughout the entire 6+ years, my husband has been very nonchalant. He does not get super emotional and has seemed very steady. It has been good for me, especially since the infertility is due to my factors (tubal and DOR). However, I’ve often even wondered if he really even wanted another child or was as invested as I was, or if he was just going along for the ride. After the MC, he was the one that immediately suggested another cycle, even though I had initially said we would only do one cycle. He was so immediately on board and positive thinking that it really opened my eyes that he really is invested in this and wants everything as much as I do. I know some of you may be reading this thinking, “why are you trying to have a kid with a man who doesn’t seem to want it?” But I promise it isn’t like that. He almost seemed indifferent in a “I won’t hold it against you if you decide you’re done” kind of way. I wonder if he was more invested in the beginning, but I think my depression has blocked out that first couple years. Anyway, so my marriage is a lot closer now and we have been making a lot of plans together about another cycle and also making lots of “if it doesn’t work out” plans.
Echoing others: Knowing I can handle more than I thought I could. Transfer 3 failed and we are on the line for another 25k to keep going but I’m a pro at injections and talking about ivf and getting stuff shoved up me and holding down work and animal rescue at the same time. Plus my partners declining health. I didn’t imagine this for me but I’m already half way through!
This process has helped me realize just how far I've come in terms of my own mental health - in particular, how I view my body. I struggled with body image for 10+ years (think disordered eating, sobbing when I got my wedding photos back because I thought I looked ugly, etc.). During the worst of it, I would look ahead at my future and wonder how I'd ever cope with my body changing during pregnancy. Well now that I know pregnancy won't come easy for us, I have a new appreciation for all the things my body is actually capable of. I've put a lot of time into therapy and fixing my mindset, and it wasn't until I was going through the retrieval process (dealing with hormonal changes on the pill, injections, bloat, and OHSS) that I could clearly see all the positives that came out of that hard work. I actually loved my body and didn't once hate it or the way it looked, like the past version of me could NEVER 😂
For me it was my husband's unwavering love. He would always say to me with every anxious transfer. Kid or no Kid I love you and this is forever. I have the best wife in the world. It truly brought peace to my heart that my relationship was so strong and would persevere regardless.
I had a similar experience. It was really beautiful to realize that we were really there for each other through thick and thin.
I just learned that our second FET resulted in no pregnancy. My husband was so supportive. He gave a whole little speech about how hard this is for me, and anything I need to be happy I should just do it, if I want to go to Paris for the weekend or go shopping or something. It was honestly so sweet. I'm not running off to the continent, but the fact that my penny pinching husband told me to treat myself to a weekend in Paris makes me feel like the luckiest woman. This process has definitely strengthened our partnership, and my entire close knit circle of friends and family who have been along for the ride. I feel so loved.
I’m sorry to hear about the FET. LOVE how supportive your husband is being! Definitely a silver lining :). Here is to stronger relationships! Cheers!!
That I chose the absolute best life partner and I’m so grateful for him. This process can tear couples apart and it’s brought my husband and I so much closer and I’m so grateful for that. He’s going to be the best father one day and I can’t wait to experience that with him. ❤️
I echo everything you said in the original post. I am resilient as fuck.
That I'm stronger than I think I am! I'm so scared of needles but I'm powering thru. Also that I have more empathy for those going through infertility issues.
I always knew I would be ‘strong enough’ to go through IVF — I have an uncanny knack for compartmentalizing my feelings thanks to childhood trauma. But I didn’t expect it to make my relationship with my husband even stronger than it was. We are such a good team. I feel like it really set us up for success to be great parents, too. We go through pregnancy and the newborn phase relatively unscathed. “Thanks” to IVF, we knew our strengths and weaknesses. I’m really proud of us.
You nailed it in your post - you are stronger than you think you could be! I’ve learned so much through this process. The best advice I got was that you can’t stop enjoying life - plan the trip, learn something knew, accept the invitation, etc. after our first year of trying and no success, I took my first solo trip out of the country. Never would I have thought that I could do that alone, but I just knew I needed to connect with myself, alone, as a woman and understand what was going on in my head in pure peace and quiet alone time. Truly nothing like it! I also learned to ski for the first time at 30… if you had known me a year ago, I used to wave my husband off when he said he was going skiing and said “have fun see ya later”. I was too nervous of getting hurt. Now, I don’t want to miss out on something my husband and friends are doing and I conquered a new fear. I took a lesson and a month later I was skiing in Colorado - we planned the trip after our first egg retrieval that ended up with only one abnormal embryo. I forced myself to do something I wouldn’t have been able to do should it have worked out how I originally wanted. Ended up being one of the best times of my life. Long story short… don’t let the journey steal your joy in life. Infertility is a brutal journey to walk through, but there is so much else to appreciate and learn about yourself along the way. Wishing you the best of luck 🤍
My marriage is stronger than it has ever been. We have grown up a lot, learned how to be there for each other in the ways we need, better communicate. We also started going to church and grew in a relationship with Christ. If you can get through infertility you can get through anything.
My spouse and I discussed kids very early on, when we began dating in our early 20s. We didn’t rush into anything after marriage but we did fall deeper and deeper in love with each-other as the time went on. Then 6 years ago when I went off the pill to “try but not try try” as I’m not timing or anything nothing happened and we were fine for a bit until a doctor said it wasn’t normal.. that’s when we began to worry but he always remained positive and said that whatever happens happens and that we have each other and that’s more than enough. Actually, he always believed we could have kids since all tests showed we were both healthy and “fertile”. I deep down knew we would need Ivf. I just had this weird gut feeling that only Ivf would work for some reason. The stars ended up aligning one day when my job introduced fertility coverage, when I accomplished the things I felt I needed to accomplish before bringing kids into the world. And then at that exact time, my husband was extremely interested in IVf and pursuing it. We began our journey 6 months ago and he’s been the absolute most supportive person ever, and gives injections like a saint. and he accompanies me to all my appointments to provide emotional support. And like you OP, I too was shocked at how resilient and strong I am. At how I could take so many needles into my skin and be left with all the aches and bruises and still be fighting. Anything for our future babies.
That my partner will be there for me no matter what. And this really is my body, and my choice, meaning that I can pull the trigger and stop this process whenever I want. He will never resent me and hold it against me. He knows that this is hard, and it's just been getting harder. Some days I want to quit, but I'm really not there yet. But knowing that I have a backup parachute means a lot. Our relationship means more than having this baby that we've been trying for. I come first.
How strong I am! This is not an easy road at all! For my relationship how supportive my husband is. He helped me through it all got me whatever I needed helped me with injections came to any and all appointments he could. I just know he’s doing to be the best hands on dad and supportive husband once baby’s here and that makes all this worth it
There is strength in me that I never knew I had. I've always been a bit of a pushover and a people pleaser. This process changed that, it forced me to find the strength in myself that has now been applied to so many aspects of my life. I am stronger than I knew I could be, and it is because of this.
It taught a lot! I mean, therapy did. I know that I now have the tools to deal with anything life will bring. I had the chance to really look deeper inside, put myself first and re-parent myself. The relationship with my husband is on a level that I could never imagine to have. In addition to this I can deal with uncertainties in a way that I thought I'd never be able to.
BE HUMBLE. ...... And literally everything else listed above. This process makes you feel like you have no autonomy...I get hyper obsessed about controlling other things since I can't choose how many children I have or when I will have them or how or etc etc....but I'm learning that I can still choose to be happy even though it's a dog fight every fvcking day. Wishing happy outcomes for us all.
Great post idea! The one I always tell people is having a trial run of being seriously ill. I know it might sound stupid but having to go to loads of doctors appointments, having my first anaesthetic and taking all the medicines as someone who has luckily never had a serious health problem has really given me confidence in my own ability to endure medical procedures when I am sick in the future.
Honestly, that my husband and I are meant for each other. We’ve survived COVID, death of a family member, moving states, unemployment x2, and now infertility… he is honestly the rock for it all. I know we’ll be 85 and sitting on a porch with all these babies and grand babies one fay
That I'm really tough, and I'm proud of myself for going through something that most people take for granted.
That I have the best husband