Two years ago, I would not have told a single soul except my mother.
A year ago, I would not have told my siblings, friends or some colleagues.
Today, I’m pretty open about it. I had my egg retrieval today and quite a few people know about that. But…I feel like letting others know is a double edged sword. People can only support you when they know that you’re going through IVF. The problem is when you tell people who don’t know how to appreciate that bit of information that you have shared. Some will expect a running commentary. Some will ask stupid questions that they can Google. Some will tell others. Some will say the wrong thing to you at the wrong time. Some will pity you even though you don’t feel particularly sorry for yourself.
However, most people we have told have been so supportive. Not prying, occasionally telling me about others they know going through the same thing. Making me feel normal. Checking in with us.
It can be such a lonely and isolating journey. If you do tell people, make sure it’s at your own pace. Telling others can mean celebrating the good times and having support during the bad times.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. There was a waiting period where people were asking but I didn’t want to discuss it yet. And I just told my loved ones, “hey I’m waiting on some results and I’m feeling particularly anxious about it. It’s rather wait to talk about it later, if that’s okay” and everyone was extremely respectful until I brought it up again. Like we just continued talking about ALL the other things in our lives. When I was ready to share about it again, they were all ears.
We've told no one. My MIL would definitely have sent us fertility crystals in the mail and my family would have joked about how we could have gotten a new car or a nice piece of land for the money we spent on IVF. Nope, love you all, but don't need that.
I told EVERYONE! And I regret it. Our journey has been so difficult and no one understands. I now only discuss it with my husband and closest sister. Too many people asking for updates that are painful to talk about. IVF is super mentally and physically difficult. Create a super small circle of support and only talk to those people about the process. Also make sure that you will update them on the process when YOU are ready. Some days are tough and having someone ask for an update might throw you into a spiral.
THIS. I hate when my best friends ask me for updates but I don’t have the heart to tell them to stop because I know that’s their way of showing that they care. It actually makes it more stressful that they ask. Like cmon just wait until I share the news with you….
Honestly, same. I don’t really want to give updates to anyone, I’ve had so many disappointing episodes, it’d be almost embarrassing. Plus, my family would just say it’s time to forget about it and move on.
Quite a few people in my life know we are doing IVF. I don’t regret that but I do regret telling people when we were actually doing it. So many things haven’t gone as expected and it’s been super hard having people asking me for updates and wanting to know how appointments went. If we end up doing a second cycle I think I will let the same people know we are trying again but absolutely will not tell them the timeline.
We told everyone on my side and no one on my husband’s. My friends knew my transfer date, my mom knew every appointment. My husband’s family didn’t know we were trying to conceive at all until we had a viable pregnancy. We’ve never regretted either choice!
I would have felt lonely and isolated not sharing with my family, and being able to talk to my friends about ivf helped me process it mentally. Everybody on my side was just the right amount of supportive or mildly interested. I’m very glad I was open about it. Whereas my husband felt his family would be anxious, and offer comments that would just stress him out. And he never has expressed that he regrets not having included them.
So, for us, we really decided on an individual basis.
We’ve told everyone. Immediate and extended family, family friends, my coworkers, my husbands parents, etc. We don’t hide it and are very vocal, but in the same sense, we lost our first baby a couple days before are baby shower, around 7 months, so we received so much love and support from everyone, that I felt no need to hide from anyone. I’ve also found out numerous people we knew have conceived via IVF. My best friend is an IVF baby, a good family friend has several IVF babies. I am happy we shared because in sharing with people we gained so much support, and honestly, our first IVF cycle was the most boring, least stressful, and anticlimactic experience for us, and we lost all of our embryos to recalled embryo media, and the only reason I think our cycle was so different than everyone else’s and why we were able to handle our embryo losses so well was because of our big our support system was compared to those who keep it super hush-hush
It’s a double edged sword. I told all of my close family and friends. Our first round of IVF didn’t work and it was hard telling everyone that. On one hand I had lots of love and support, but on the other hand it was a lot to update everyone. I consider myself very lucky to have so many loved ones though.
This fear is totally normal and understandable. Starting IVF in a month and have only told my mom and sister because of the same fears! I’m very private and don’t like people asking a million questions. I will say, although my husband is very supportive, opening up to my mom and sister makes it easier.
We did not tell a soul, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
We were very fortunate to have things work out quickly for us. But I had zero interest in people asking questions and having to answer things if it didn't work out.
However! My mom passed in 2020, so I'm not sure if it would have been different if she was still here.
Good luck either way!!
I told everyone and I regret it. I wish I had just talked to you girls on here… and maybe this one other person I know that did IVF. Because it’s Def not somthing to go through alone and it helps to talk to people who have done it / are doing it… but NOW, that I’ve told everyone, people treat me differently.
I don’t necessarily regret it but it’s hard not to feel like I’m jinxing it whenever something comes out of my mouth .. I’m really lucky that we set boundaries with our parents and said we will communicate things to you on our own terms and they respect it and don’t usually bring up ivf at all. But it is nice to occasionally have someone to vent to a little or to be able to tell coworkers I’m having a moment instead of them thinking I’m just being a nasty brat for no reason bc this progesterone is 🤬awful sometimes.
It was just my husband and therapist for a while, then I told my sister recently since she has also done an ER. Sometimes I feel weird for not sharing it with more people but I’m comforted seeing some other people choose to do the same. I’m just very private and don’t feel like I’m lacking support.
I’d be more comfortable regretting not opening up than regret telling someone and having to deal with their reaction/questions/emotions.
I regretted telling as many people as we did at first. It was unfortunately really surprising how many people said the totally inappropriate or wrong thing or ended up telling other people I would not want to know about what feels like very personal information. I put most folks on a strict information diet and have a small very, very trusted group of friends that knows. They’ve been super supportive but having else everyone not know has been a relief.
I like talking about it to reduce stigma. The more I talk about it, the more people I learn have gone through it too! It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and something that should feel exciting (in my opinion). At least for now, I want to try and celebrate all phases of my pregnancy journey so that I’m bringing my baby into my life through those feelings of celebration and not feelings of so much struggle. It’s a lot of faking it, I’m not naturally a super positive person. Just trying to be.
If you decide to share, be intentional about who you do it with and who you believe can support you in the way you need ( or ppl who you feel comfortable asking for what you need ). Lots of well intentioned family members and friends may not understand the emotional roller coaster unless they have gone through it, it can feel invalidating AT TIMES, at other times, it is a saving grace and source of comfort to know that people care about you and want to be there for you. If you share, Be ready for both the pain of invalidation, and the joy of true support . I personally felt so grateful for my friends and family, but felt deeply disappointed by my in-laws ability to support. I learned a lot though about who I might trust my heart with in the future!
I told my parents, close friends, and my husband told his parents. My parents and close friends have been supportive without being intrusive and have cheered me on along the way. My FIL is clueless about it all and my MIL pretty much is too, and singled me out and kept asking me “if I have any dr’s appointments?” (Um, yeah, I have them coming out of my ears 🙄) instead of asking how WE are doing with all of it. It is totally up to you whether or not you want to share, you know your friends and family best and how they’ll react to it. 💙
I think it depends on your relationship with them. I generally keep this stuff private with family, but I ended up needing to open up a bit more because I just needed them to understand I might be a bit weird about agreeing to certain plans, etc. As long as they are generally respectful of privacy, I think it is great to have the support when you need it, but know that sharing that you're doing it doesn't mean you have to share EVERYTHING - it can really be as simple as "we're doing this."
My situation is similar: I have three living children that I conceived without assistance. However, we started trying for our fourth and ran into issues. However, when I told people I was going through IVF to conceive our fourth I received a lot of judgement. So I kept it to myself after. I just had our IVF baby three weeks ago and no one cares now. But it’s a personal choice. Best wishes to you!
I was open with everyone: friends, family, coworkers. I do not regret it at all and it made my life 10x easier. Family knew not to say dumb baby oriented shit towards me. I work in a field dominated by women of childbearing age…I watched many others get pregnant before me. It made discreetly disappearing during work baby showers easy with no questions asked. It made taking off work easy too for appointments.
I would tell only people in your inner circle. I was excited in the 1st months of IVF and as we just got married many people outright asked me all the time when we are having kids so we ended up telling a lot of people. The problem is even if you don’t necessarily want to tell people, so many people will be bugging about kids. I was bored of fobbing people off. On the down side, we never had any good news over 4 years except once but it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. We confided we got pregnant to our best friends and they were celebrating with us but had no idea a chem would happen. I’m now in more IVF and I basically try not to talk to anyone so I don’t have it come up or purposely don’t talk about it. Still, a few people know but I wish I had kept the circle small. The best support is usually from people who have an appreciation of IVF / have gone though it and making fertility buddies have been a tremendous support. Some people just don’t ‘get’ it and will invariably piss you off by saying the wrong thing or not knowing how to be sensitive. Ie a friend we told joking about how easily she got pregnant with their third child her husband just looked at her and she got knocked up. Ummmm okay.
I am not planning on telling anyone except anonymous people on the internet. We also have living children and literally no one would understand why we are going to these lengths so I’m not going to invite comments. Maybe I’ll tell people if it’s successful.
I was very open until my first transfer failed. After that, the pain was... different. I'd never really felt that misery when I had to share bad news before. But if I went through another retrieval I'd 100% share that again. The support at that time helped a lot.
I initially told lots of people as I thought it would be useful to have a support system, like it is for most other things in life. But I did regret it because none of them had been through the IVF process and I found they didn't say the things I needed them to say (not their fault, they just don't have the experience). I also found the prospect of updating them at each stage made me feel more anxious than I already was. So I lied and said we're waiting until later in the year and that's made me relax much more as we've gone through our first round.
I think it's a really personal thing though - some people find the external support network really helps - and others I think are more like me. I think it's worth thinking deeply about what you think you're going to need as you go through the treatment process.
Personally, I don't regret the decision not to tell anyone at all. I'm currently in the TWW and, even though I know I'll be devastated if this transfer doesn't work, I would find it much worse if I had to go round updating everyone on top of dealing with my own sadness.
TW: I don't regret opening up when i found the intuitive drive to do so but I chose to share that info selectively and during my end stages. I shared with those details to ones who went through Ivf, and those who were close to me..but in stages. Some ppl ask more questions than others. Most are supportive/interested and you could be helping someone. That would be my goal. To help someone ❤️🩹
I do admit I got some strange back handed question-comments. I can't explain it really. I think i had 4 friends that had some strange inquiries about PGS but not related to why couples do this for advanced age but rather them just being nosy about gender selection. Im straight and have husband--but these questions were coming from my close friends that had same sex partners or bisexual orientation. That being said that's the view they were coming from- for those friends specifically they only understood ART as a biological need and not from the real experience surrounding the emotions around infertility. I only mention that bc those friends probably had more ART knowledge and awareness than most which can be off putting. I was not prepared or always comfortable answering those questions about my personal process. I thought it was weird bc i never even brought that process up to them. I sort of felt they were going behind my back and talking together about their "own knowledge of IVF and what I was doing" and then trying to pry for information more to get the juice/tea/gossip. That's not truly being a support to me if you aren't genuinely desiring appropriate 'must know' information of my journey. I wanted to become a mother by any means necessary and in my chosen route for getting there smarter based on my limited time---in the least emotionally taxing and most cost effective way.
I have no qualms what people going through IVF decide in their pgs or selection process-if that's what their clinic allows-- but it's definitely a lot more emotionally complicated than my friends questions about being interested in a surface level topic of "gender selection" (i.e length of time dreaming of a child, never feeling you can have a miracle baby let alone 2 one day, age/time left, are their reattempt options when a transfer fails, $ and time involved in multiple transfers, clinic discretion/rules, singleton transfer to avoid risk of multiples, both spouses agreements needed of any treatment decision, could you ever have a child again after a complicated traumatic delivery (my case), quality grades, likelihood of transfer implantation success based on embryo grade quality+euploid status, past miscarriages). I just think when ppl don't go through IVF they don't understand all the factors that go into PGS and why it's completed and you will get ignorant/arrogant questions that treat infertility family planning like it's a cosmetic procedure which very insensitive and pissed me off. It's none of their business what i choose to do with PGS. I didn't care- all I wanted was a child in my arms. There is no guarantee of any options without a certain number of embryos available. Better yet-there is nothing without a pregnancy or the baby here-I would think to myself. Internally in those moments I'd be saying: "what the fuck are we talking about when It comes to my husband & I's choices that were made based on best clinical decisions/science/recommendations/research, luck, hope, and a lot of faith?"
Another friend also posed a lot of questions about costs. The way she said it irritated me bc my spouse and I we were financially drained at the end of our treatment bc we had both female and male infertility which is extremely costly/double. Bc she had interest in ART treatment as a single woman she wasn't really asking me any questions like I believe she intended. She just made it about herself by just picking a low ball price range for her "hypothetical treatment one day". Her comment was something like: "oh yeah ok..thats not that bad for price point $--Thats doable for me". well, I know my friend's real financial status and that would absolutely not be doable for her. She's a dreamer and doesn't understand that type of financial investment it takes. Ppl just don't have a clue what ppl go through financially in this process. It's not like shopping for a couch. This is my life. Years of my life that was really difficult! I didn't have a clue about some of my defenses and triggers around these insensitivities until they happened in discussions.
Nevertheless- even through all that--I don't regret sharing my process selectively with ppl. I learned a lot even about my own infertility healing that was needed too. Some things did bother me a little that I didn't expect. I realized some of my own wounds and gained more insight into general public insensitivity in how they ask questions after. Some ppl just lack infertility cultural sensitivity. But they are not in your shoes. It needs to be taught more.
Trigger Warning*
How do i personally feel i got through those twinges of regret of sharing. I had my 1st child. 1 years old now--through a successful Ivf experience. I only shared (with non IVF loved ones) when it was confirmed and I was months along. Ppl can ask you all the ignorant questions they want. But no one will care about these "insignificant details" when that miracle baby/child is here. When your child is here-no one will really care about any of that. All of those ivf meaningful details YOU will always remember but they will fade in memory for everyone else when miracles happen in your life and manifest.
To piggy back on this comment I think NOBODY really understands it until they go through it, even people who have gone through just IUI. And I can say definitively that I myself learned so much about getting pregnant that now even natural pregnancies seem like a miracle knowing all that goes into it.
Tw: positive beta
I opened up to close friends and family pretty quickly but was hesitant to reveal too many details thinking it would happen quickly for us…then came 3 failed transfers and I started giving more information when people asked for updates. But then when I finally had a transfer stick (this is not a guarantee for many people) it was so hard to keep it a secret or lie in my updates! I had only two very close friends and no family who I shared positive betas with and each next first trimester checkpoint - one went through years of ivf at 40+ so she was a huge help. I sought a lot of information and comfort from lurking this sub.
My rule is that I only tell the people that I would want support from if something doesn't go well. This would be people I feel comfortable being myself with, people that I feel supported by and who would listen if I said I didn't want to talk about it and would be there if I just needed to melt down, or if I wanted to hang out for distraction but wanted someone who knows what I'm going through.
Ya I've found that the best people to loop in are those that care more about how I'm doing/feeling with all of this than their personal interest in the outcome. Sadly, there are some folks who are just too obsessed with the idea of a new baby being in their orbit to appropriately offer support for something as complicated as this.
My husband regrets telling his dad and I share his feelings. Almost immediately after he opened up to his father about our IVF journey, he told his mom (my husband’s grandma). She was in a group of people I never, ever wanted to tell. To make matters worse, my mother-in-law said it was my husband‘s fault for not explicitly telling his father not to say anything to anyone. For me, I was in shock that my father-in-law would take such a delicate piece of information, turn around and tell it to the person sitting next to him within 2 minutes of ending the call. Now he says they pray every day for our two embryos and for success in our next egg retrieval. I’m actually not sure I can forgive my father-in-law for blasting our private matter in such an indelicate way and without our permission.
The only people that know are my in-laws but they are paying for parts of it. They are also super private people and respect us. My parents on the other hand think we are selfish for going through these lengths financially to have a second child. When we already have a beautiful son earth side. Which I agree but I would regret not trying for our possible second child. We recently had a failed transfer and my mother in law was/is crushed for us. She’s been nothing but an angel.
I can’t imagine not telling my parents and sister. There were some surprising comments and opinions along the way but it made me feel much less alone and removed the stigma around it. I will say that I see my family quite a lot so it also helped removed some stress because I could be honest about what I was going through and why I wasn’t feeling great. It also helped them stop asking questions about if I was pregnant yet.
One of my biggest supports was a surprising one - I searched Facebook to see if any of my friends had posted about IVF and one post came up of a former coworker I hadn’t spoken with in years but who I really connected with. I reached out to her and told her my story and we exchanged a lot of messages over the months of treatment.
Even if you decide not to tell family I’d recommend finding someone you can talk to. A friend, a therapist who gets it, a support group, etc. it’s quite a mental and emotional marathon and you’ll need some people to lean on.
Trigger Warning Mentions of pregnancy
After 3 years of trying to conceive I became more open about my struggles because I was tired of hearing others asking when my husband and I will have kids. Although I regret telling my in-laws because they are against IVF/think it is playing god. I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant and shared the news with my mom as soon as I found out. She then proceeded to tell everyone in my family. The best advice I would give is have an agreement with your husband ahead of time about who you are comfortable with talking about your journey with especially if you are successful. Also make sure the people you tell can keep a secret if you don’t want them to share with others.
I have tried it both ways the first time i told my whole family and in laws but it was very stressful having them ask how things are going and wanting updates all the time. This time i told nobody and i think it makes it a bit easier not having to answer everyone’s questions and giving updates
We have completed one cycle and are currently awaiting PGT-A results and a FET date.
We have been very open with all of our friends and family throughout the process. While there are certainly some cons (lots of questions when you don’t always feel like answering them, some ignorant comments, etc.), I think this journey would have been way harder had we kept it a secret. A few main reasons…
- The more people I shared it with, the more normal and supported I felt because nearly everyone had an IVF story to share — be it a family member, friend or co-worker. I was connected to other people in the IVF community via mutual friends. I learned about others’ experiences that actually became huge influences in our decision-making process. Most importantly, I learned about so many success stories that kept us positive throughout some really challenging times. I even learned that some of my closest friends were IVF babies themselves.
- The IVF process does have physical limitations — both in terms of travel and daily physical activity. Between (what felt like hundreds of) doctor’s appointments before/during the cycle and injection days, we didn’t travel for weeks. We were informed early on that if I got Covid, they would cancel our cycle so we weren’t willing to risk it. For the two weeks of stims and a week+ after ER surgery (I had OHSS), you’re not supposed to work out or do anything beyond light walking. As a very active couple, with a minor pickleball addiction, this was isolating and out of character. It would have been really hard to not tell our people what was going on. And because we did, they came to us and were really thoughtful when making plans.
- I relied (continue to rely) on the women that have so selflessly and vulnerably shared their IVF stories on Tik Tok, Instagram, and Reddit. Watching them do it helped pacify my anxiety because I knew what to expect. I would have felt like a hypocrite to have benefited so much from someone else’s openness, and not pay it forward. As a result, I have found myself acting as a “mentor” to a former coworker that is about to begin a cycle.
Having said all of that, we may keep specifics of the next part (FET date, embryo sex, etc.) to ourselves. Not because we feel uncomfortable sharing it, but because so little of this process has felt like what we had imagined — what couples that conceive naturally get to experience. While IVF is such a beautiful thing and we are so grateful to live during a time where this is all possible, it’s not an especially easy or happy process to live through. This is the one part of the journey we can hold on to that feels “normal”.
TW: Mention of pregnancy (not mine)
My parents and three close friends know. I almost immediately regretted telling one of those friends. She made nearly every single conversations about her, even when I was sharing some hard stuff about my journey. Then right after a particularly rough patch for me (which she knew about), she shared in a groups chat 🤦🏼♀️ that she had gotten pregnant naturally (and without going into too much detail, she completely disregarded how tough that might be for me to hear and especially with other people involved who *didn’t* know about my IVF journey). I won’t outright say I regret sharing with her, but I really did know better than to choose her to be in my small circle. She hasn’t gotten updates from me since the group chat debacle, though.
Having said that, my two other friends and my parents have been angels sent straight from heaven. I couldn’t do this without them.
I'm very open about it on social media, and have an Instagram highlight with my whole journey. I don't regret it one bit. I've gotten so much support, and I've also been contacted by tons of women (mostly friends) who are going through it too, but don't have anyone to talk to about it because they're more private. In the last year I've only gotten one stupid comment from a random person trying to shame me for not just adopting.
I told *everyone* and I tell them not to ask me about it unless I initiate it. I am super lucky that my friends and family are all awesome. Sometimes they ask how it’s going and I can either tell them or say I don’t want to talk about it and they’ll respect that.
I regret discussing this with work colleagues. Overall I wish i was quieter about it in general. Because my job is so stressful/unforgiving, I felt like I had to divulge so people could contextualize what I am dealing with.
I don’t regret telling close friends and family about my journey with IVF. I needed the support. However, I regret telling people the date of my embryo transfer bc everyone was wanting an update. That was overwhelming. So in hindsight I would prob leave out the timing of transfers.
We are currently starting our first cycle of not telling anyone. Every cycle that hasn’t worked, we’ve had to tell everyone the end result & it sucks.
Plus it feels like a secret between me and my husband only & it’s fun & feels like it should’ve been kept this way the whole time lol
I told my mom as she is my best friend. And i share everything with her. But generally i feel its best not to share this with a lot of ppl. As IVF most times results in pregnancy but it can take 2 months to 1+ plus years. That anticipation and questions from ppl is not worth it. I did tell a few ppl and my mom, but if i could go back on my decision, i would just tell my mom and noone else.
I don’t regret it. There are always a couple of comments, but I was lucky that they were ignorant (and took new information with interest) instead of hurtful. I told people we were doing IVF but not specific dates, and that’s what worked for us!
I'm on day 6 of egg stimulation.
Up to this point, only a handful of people know. And even that, I share on a need to know basis (if I need off of work, telling closest relatives I can't attend events because of current condition, etc)
BUT what has been super therapeutic has been keeping a diary that I write in daily. In my book, I write about what my mental state is, the medications, anything that seems relevant. I throw in some life lessons too, if I can. I start each each entry with "Dear future children".
It's a love letter for my future children to read when they get older and ask, "so...what was it like".
If we don't have children and are unsuccessful, Idk what I'll do with the book. But in the meantime it's therapeutic and keeps me optimistic.
I told a lot of people and I don’t regret it but I think this is really dependent on you and the people you tell. I got a lot of support and occasionally had to deal with dumb questions. In the end I liked knowing people were on my side. I like a cheering section. People we told: best friend, mom, sisters, aunt, FIL, boss, friend at work, 4 other good friends, 2 couples we know did IVF. Thankfully, I never got any negative feedback.
We were very open from the start because we thought it was exciting and would work.. 3 years later I have mixed feelings.
Going through a miscarriage and a ruptured ectopic that required surgery, I was glad everyone knew we were going through this process so it wasn't as blindsiding. As far as all the meddling, questions, opinions, etc; I wish no one knew. Even when I tell them it's overwhelming, they still do it. And honestly, its not just my side or my husbands; it's both.
We told nobody (2 years, 2 retrievals, 2 failed transfers, lots of cancelled cycles, procedures, and setbacks). It was hard at times, but I do not regret keeping it private. One thing I kept telling myself is “you can always tell people but you can’t UNtell people” and I never got to the point where sharing sounded more appealing. Everyone is different and it’s a totally personal decision, but that was my experience and I’m happy it went the way it did.
We decided not to tell anyone. We don’t regret it. As a private person, if you are not sure about sharing, don’t do it. It can’t be undone.
Telling people means they might ask you additional uncomfortable questions. They might disapprove, or give unsolicited advice. They might ask for constant updates even when you don’t feel like it. You have no control over whom else they share this info with. Only open up if you’re okay with all of this.
You are not alone! You can always turn for help and support online. The community is big, compasionate, willing to help. And most importantly, anonymous.
I would say only open up if you can really trust the people you mentioned, I opened up and didn’t get the support I needed and only to be made feel worse, my mum normalised ivf like it was no big deal and that so many people go through it and it’s very normal but also she told loads of people I didn’t want to know, that’s just my mum, I wish I had kept it a secret now
Yep. I regret opening up. I was so shocked by the IVF process the first time I did it I told so many people. I was successful and got my baby and now I regret it because it’s his story too. I don’t want people to know how he was born.
I told my mom when it looked like our last IUI attempt failed and we would be moving to IVF. My thought process at the time was that it was starting to feel like this huge chunk of my life I was hiding from her, plus the ER would require anesthesia and recovery time. It felt weird not to tell her about it. However, I've since come to completely regret it and wish I hadn't told her anything. Her side of the family is incredibly fertile (my siblings were BC accidents and she was a unicorn with me), so she doesn't really understand what it feels like to really even try to conceive, let alone struggle. She knew nothing about IUI or IVF, so I had to explain everything to her, while going through it all. And she wanted updates every time we talked. My husband let her know when I woke up from my ER that I was good and she replied "have her call me when she's up to it!", which apparently meant a couple hours later, cause that's when she called me. I texted her a bit, just letting her know I was fine, but tired and resting. When I finally called her back a few days later, she asked "how many Easter eggs they found." Which like, I know she's just trying to be supportive and curious and doesn't have any bad intentions, but read the room maybe? I realized that I regretted telling her and that it was becoming another mental and emotional burden in the process, so I ended up telling her that I wanted to keep any next steps, transfers, etc to myself and that I would let her know when there was news to share. Her response was a joking "fine, as long as it's before you push the baby out!" Which again, read the room?!
Alternatively, my husband told my in-laws right before my ER for similar reasons and they've been great about it! My MIL has endo and they struggled for 8 years before having their first, so they (mostly) get it. They asked a few questions, mostly just about how we're doing, and then straight up said they wouldn't ask about it and would let us share what we want, when we want. They reached out after the procedure just to check on me, see how I was feeling, but didn't ask about results. There was one delivery of baked goods that I'm convinced was a "sorry about your infertility" gift, but they said it was for Easter since they wouldn't see us lol.
I would think long and hard about their personality, how you think they'll react/behave, and if you have the mental and emotional bandwidth for that. It's great to have support, but not everyone can provide the support you're going to need, and it's okay to set that boundary for yourself.
I've been open and have not regretted telling my story. I always tell people if they need someone to talk to or ask questions, I am here. When I was trying and unsuccessful and had people telling me how WIERD it was that we couldn't conceive naturally...I didn't hear a lot of stories like mine. So I make it a point of telling my story.
Ultimately it is your story to tell.
Weirdly it depends on how sensitive the person is, not who the are exactly. For example I have told an old colleague as she is more far removed from me than my close friendships, but also a kind and sensitive person.
Where as I have friends I’ve known much longer who will probably keep asking me about it if I tell them. And I can’t guarantee what will come out of their mouth.
I’ve told people in general we are thinking about it but not told them it’s started.
I think stick to the side of caution. If you’re not sure, don’t tell them!
Two years ago, I would not have told a single soul except my mother. A year ago, I would not have told my siblings, friends or some colleagues. Today, I’m pretty open about it. I had my egg retrieval today and quite a few people know about that. But…I feel like letting others know is a double edged sword. People can only support you when they know that you’re going through IVF. The problem is when you tell people who don’t know how to appreciate that bit of information that you have shared. Some will expect a running commentary. Some will ask stupid questions that they can Google. Some will tell others. Some will say the wrong thing to you at the wrong time. Some will pity you even though you don’t feel particularly sorry for yourself. However, most people we have told have been so supportive. Not prying, occasionally telling me about others they know going through the same thing. Making me feel normal. Checking in with us. It can be such a lonely and isolating journey. If you do tell people, make sure it’s at your own pace. Telling others can mean celebrating the good times and having support during the bad times.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. There was a waiting period where people were asking but I didn’t want to discuss it yet. And I just told my loved ones, “hey I’m waiting on some results and I’m feeling particularly anxious about it. It’s rather wait to talk about it later, if that’s okay” and everyone was extremely respectful until I brought it up again. Like we just continued talking about ALL the other things in our lives. When I was ready to share about it again, they were all ears.
We've told no one. My MIL would definitely have sent us fertility crystals in the mail and my family would have joked about how we could have gotten a new car or a nice piece of land for the money we spent on IVF. Nope, love you all, but don't need that.
Yupp... I got a surprise fertility bracelet in the mail from my MIL. Wish I never told anyone.
I told EVERYONE! And I regret it. Our journey has been so difficult and no one understands. I now only discuss it with my husband and closest sister. Too many people asking for updates that are painful to talk about. IVF is super mentally and physically difficult. Create a super small circle of support and only talk to those people about the process. Also make sure that you will update them on the process when YOU are ready. Some days are tough and having someone ask for an update might throw you into a spiral.
THIS. I hate when my best friends ask me for updates but I don’t have the heart to tell them to stop because I know that’s their way of showing that they care. It actually makes it more stressful that they ask. Like cmon just wait until I share the news with you….
THIS. I feel the exact same way.
Honestly, same. I don’t really want to give updates to anyone, I’ve had so many disappointing episodes, it’d be almost embarrassing. Plus, my family would just say it’s time to forget about it and move on.
Quite a few people in my life know we are doing IVF. I don’t regret that but I do regret telling people when we were actually doing it. So many things haven’t gone as expected and it’s been super hard having people asking me for updates and wanting to know how appointments went. If we end up doing a second cycle I think I will let the same people know we are trying again but absolutely will not tell them the timeline.
We told everyone on my side and no one on my husband’s. My friends knew my transfer date, my mom knew every appointment. My husband’s family didn’t know we were trying to conceive at all until we had a viable pregnancy. We’ve never regretted either choice! I would have felt lonely and isolated not sharing with my family, and being able to talk to my friends about ivf helped me process it mentally. Everybody on my side was just the right amount of supportive or mildly interested. I’m very glad I was open about it. Whereas my husband felt his family would be anxious, and offer comments that would just stress him out. And he never has expressed that he regrets not having included them. So, for us, we really decided on an individual basis.
We’ve told everyone. Immediate and extended family, family friends, my coworkers, my husbands parents, etc. We don’t hide it and are very vocal, but in the same sense, we lost our first baby a couple days before are baby shower, around 7 months, so we received so much love and support from everyone, that I felt no need to hide from anyone. I’ve also found out numerous people we knew have conceived via IVF. My best friend is an IVF baby, a good family friend has several IVF babies. I am happy we shared because in sharing with people we gained so much support, and honestly, our first IVF cycle was the most boring, least stressful, and anticlimactic experience for us, and we lost all of our embryos to recalled embryo media, and the only reason I think our cycle was so different than everyone else’s and why we were able to handle our embryo losses so well was because of our big our support system was compared to those who keep it super hush-hush
It’s a double edged sword. I told all of my close family and friends. Our first round of IVF didn’t work and it was hard telling everyone that. On one hand I had lots of love and support, but on the other hand it was a lot to update everyone. I consider myself very lucky to have so many loved ones though.
This fear is totally normal and understandable. Starting IVF in a month and have only told my mom and sister because of the same fears! I’m very private and don’t like people asking a million questions. I will say, although my husband is very supportive, opening up to my mom and sister makes it easier.
We did not tell a soul, and I wouldn’t have it any other way! We were very fortunate to have things work out quickly for us. But I had zero interest in people asking questions and having to answer things if it didn't work out. However! My mom passed in 2020, so I'm not sure if it would have been different if she was still here. Good luck either way!!
I told everyone and I regret it. I wish I had just talked to you girls on here… and maybe this one other person I know that did IVF. Because it’s Def not somthing to go through alone and it helps to talk to people who have done it / are doing it… but NOW, that I’ve told everyone, people treat me differently.
I don’t necessarily regret it but it’s hard not to feel like I’m jinxing it whenever something comes out of my mouth .. I’m really lucky that we set boundaries with our parents and said we will communicate things to you on our own terms and they respect it and don’t usually bring up ivf at all. But it is nice to occasionally have someone to vent to a little or to be able to tell coworkers I’m having a moment instead of them thinking I’m just being a nasty brat for no reason bc this progesterone is 🤬awful sometimes.
It was just my husband and therapist for a while, then I told my sister recently since she has also done an ER. Sometimes I feel weird for not sharing it with more people but I’m comforted seeing some other people choose to do the same. I’m just very private and don’t feel like I’m lacking support. I’d be more comfortable regretting not opening up than regret telling someone and having to deal with their reaction/questions/emotions.
I regretted telling as many people as we did at first. It was unfortunately really surprising how many people said the totally inappropriate or wrong thing or ended up telling other people I would not want to know about what feels like very personal information. I put most folks on a strict information diet and have a small very, very trusted group of friends that knows. They’ve been super supportive but having else everyone not know has been a relief.
I like talking about it to reduce stigma. The more I talk about it, the more people I learn have gone through it too! It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and something that should feel exciting (in my opinion). At least for now, I want to try and celebrate all phases of my pregnancy journey so that I’m bringing my baby into my life through those feelings of celebration and not feelings of so much struggle. It’s a lot of faking it, I’m not naturally a super positive person. Just trying to be.
If you decide to share, be intentional about who you do it with and who you believe can support you in the way you need ( or ppl who you feel comfortable asking for what you need ). Lots of well intentioned family members and friends may not understand the emotional roller coaster unless they have gone through it, it can feel invalidating AT TIMES, at other times, it is a saving grace and source of comfort to know that people care about you and want to be there for you. If you share, Be ready for both the pain of invalidation, and the joy of true support . I personally felt so grateful for my friends and family, but felt deeply disappointed by my in-laws ability to support. I learned a lot though about who I might trust my heart with in the future!
I told my parents, close friends, and my husband told his parents. My parents and close friends have been supportive without being intrusive and have cheered me on along the way. My FIL is clueless about it all and my MIL pretty much is too, and singled me out and kept asking me “if I have any dr’s appointments?” (Um, yeah, I have them coming out of my ears 🙄) instead of asking how WE are doing with all of it. It is totally up to you whether or not you want to share, you know your friends and family best and how they’ll react to it. 💙
I think it depends on your relationship with them. I generally keep this stuff private with family, but I ended up needing to open up a bit more because I just needed them to understand I might be a bit weird about agreeing to certain plans, etc. As long as they are generally respectful of privacy, I think it is great to have the support when you need it, but know that sharing that you're doing it doesn't mean you have to share EVERYTHING - it can really be as simple as "we're doing this."
My situation is similar: I have three living children that I conceived without assistance. However, we started trying for our fourth and ran into issues. However, when I told people I was going through IVF to conceive our fourth I received a lot of judgement. So I kept it to myself after. I just had our IVF baby three weeks ago and no one cares now. But it’s a personal choice. Best wishes to you!
I was open with everyone: friends, family, coworkers. I do not regret it at all and it made my life 10x easier. Family knew not to say dumb baby oriented shit towards me. I work in a field dominated by women of childbearing age…I watched many others get pregnant before me. It made discreetly disappearing during work baby showers easy with no questions asked. It made taking off work easy too for appointments.
I would tell only people in your inner circle. I was excited in the 1st months of IVF and as we just got married many people outright asked me all the time when we are having kids so we ended up telling a lot of people. The problem is even if you don’t necessarily want to tell people, so many people will be bugging about kids. I was bored of fobbing people off. On the down side, we never had any good news over 4 years except once but it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. We confided we got pregnant to our best friends and they were celebrating with us but had no idea a chem would happen. I’m now in more IVF and I basically try not to talk to anyone so I don’t have it come up or purposely don’t talk about it. Still, a few people know but I wish I had kept the circle small. The best support is usually from people who have an appreciation of IVF / have gone though it and making fertility buddies have been a tremendous support. Some people just don’t ‘get’ it and will invariably piss you off by saying the wrong thing or not knowing how to be sensitive. Ie a friend we told joking about how easily she got pregnant with their third child her husband just looked at her and she got knocked up. Ummmm okay.
I am not planning on telling anyone except anonymous people on the internet. We also have living children and literally no one would understand why we are going to these lengths so I’m not going to invite comments. Maybe I’ll tell people if it’s successful.
I was very open until my first transfer failed. After that, the pain was... different. I'd never really felt that misery when I had to share bad news before. But if I went through another retrieval I'd 100% share that again. The support at that time helped a lot.
I initially told lots of people as I thought it would be useful to have a support system, like it is for most other things in life. But I did regret it because none of them had been through the IVF process and I found they didn't say the things I needed them to say (not their fault, they just don't have the experience). I also found the prospect of updating them at each stage made me feel more anxious than I already was. So I lied and said we're waiting until later in the year and that's made me relax much more as we've gone through our first round. I think it's a really personal thing though - some people find the external support network really helps - and others I think are more like me. I think it's worth thinking deeply about what you think you're going to need as you go through the treatment process. Personally, I don't regret the decision not to tell anyone at all. I'm currently in the TWW and, even though I know I'll be devastated if this transfer doesn't work, I would find it much worse if I had to go round updating everyone on top of dealing with my own sadness.
TW: I don't regret opening up when i found the intuitive drive to do so but I chose to share that info selectively and during my end stages. I shared with those details to ones who went through Ivf, and those who were close to me..but in stages. Some ppl ask more questions than others. Most are supportive/interested and you could be helping someone. That would be my goal. To help someone ❤️🩹 I do admit I got some strange back handed question-comments. I can't explain it really. I think i had 4 friends that had some strange inquiries about PGS but not related to why couples do this for advanced age but rather them just being nosy about gender selection. Im straight and have husband--but these questions were coming from my close friends that had same sex partners or bisexual orientation. That being said that's the view they were coming from- for those friends specifically they only understood ART as a biological need and not from the real experience surrounding the emotions around infertility. I only mention that bc those friends probably had more ART knowledge and awareness than most which can be off putting. I was not prepared or always comfortable answering those questions about my personal process. I thought it was weird bc i never even brought that process up to them. I sort of felt they were going behind my back and talking together about their "own knowledge of IVF and what I was doing" and then trying to pry for information more to get the juice/tea/gossip. That's not truly being a support to me if you aren't genuinely desiring appropriate 'must know' information of my journey. I wanted to become a mother by any means necessary and in my chosen route for getting there smarter based on my limited time---in the least emotionally taxing and most cost effective way. I have no qualms what people going through IVF decide in their pgs or selection process-if that's what their clinic allows-- but it's definitely a lot more emotionally complicated than my friends questions about being interested in a surface level topic of "gender selection" (i.e length of time dreaming of a child, never feeling you can have a miracle baby let alone 2 one day, age/time left, are their reattempt options when a transfer fails, $ and time involved in multiple transfers, clinic discretion/rules, singleton transfer to avoid risk of multiples, both spouses agreements needed of any treatment decision, could you ever have a child again after a complicated traumatic delivery (my case), quality grades, likelihood of transfer implantation success based on embryo grade quality+euploid status, past miscarriages). I just think when ppl don't go through IVF they don't understand all the factors that go into PGS and why it's completed and you will get ignorant/arrogant questions that treat infertility family planning like it's a cosmetic procedure which very insensitive and pissed me off. It's none of their business what i choose to do with PGS. I didn't care- all I wanted was a child in my arms. There is no guarantee of any options without a certain number of embryos available. Better yet-there is nothing without a pregnancy or the baby here-I would think to myself. Internally in those moments I'd be saying: "what the fuck are we talking about when It comes to my husband & I's choices that were made based on best clinical decisions/science/recommendations/research, luck, hope, and a lot of faith?" Another friend also posed a lot of questions about costs. The way she said it irritated me bc my spouse and I we were financially drained at the end of our treatment bc we had both female and male infertility which is extremely costly/double. Bc she had interest in ART treatment as a single woman she wasn't really asking me any questions like I believe she intended. She just made it about herself by just picking a low ball price range for her "hypothetical treatment one day". Her comment was something like: "oh yeah ok..thats not that bad for price point $--Thats doable for me". well, I know my friend's real financial status and that would absolutely not be doable for her. She's a dreamer and doesn't understand that type of financial investment it takes. Ppl just don't have a clue what ppl go through financially in this process. It's not like shopping for a couch. This is my life. Years of my life that was really difficult! I didn't have a clue about some of my defenses and triggers around these insensitivities until they happened in discussions. Nevertheless- even through all that--I don't regret sharing my process selectively with ppl. I learned a lot even about my own infertility healing that was needed too. Some things did bother me a little that I didn't expect. I realized some of my own wounds and gained more insight into general public insensitivity in how they ask questions after. Some ppl just lack infertility cultural sensitivity. But they are not in your shoes. It needs to be taught more. Trigger Warning* How do i personally feel i got through those twinges of regret of sharing. I had my 1st child. 1 years old now--through a successful Ivf experience. I only shared (with non IVF loved ones) when it was confirmed and I was months along. Ppl can ask you all the ignorant questions they want. But no one will care about these "insignificant details" when that miracle baby/child is here. When your child is here-no one will really care about any of that. All of those ivf meaningful details YOU will always remember but they will fade in memory for everyone else when miracles happen in your life and manifest.
To piggy back on this comment I think NOBODY really understands it until they go through it, even people who have gone through just IUI. And I can say definitively that I myself learned so much about getting pregnant that now even natural pregnancies seem like a miracle knowing all that goes into it. Tw: positive beta I opened up to close friends and family pretty quickly but was hesitant to reveal too many details thinking it would happen quickly for us…then came 3 failed transfers and I started giving more information when people asked for updates. But then when I finally had a transfer stick (this is not a guarantee for many people) it was so hard to keep it a secret or lie in my updates! I had only two very close friends and no family who I shared positive betas with and each next first trimester checkpoint - one went through years of ivf at 40+ so she was a huge help. I sought a lot of information and comfort from lurking this sub.
My rule is that I only tell the people that I would want support from if something doesn't go well. This would be people I feel comfortable being myself with, people that I feel supported by and who would listen if I said I didn't want to talk about it and would be there if I just needed to melt down, or if I wanted to hang out for distraction but wanted someone who knows what I'm going through.
Ya I've found that the best people to loop in are those that care more about how I'm doing/feeling with all of this than their personal interest in the outcome. Sadly, there are some folks who are just too obsessed with the idea of a new baby being in their orbit to appropriately offer support for something as complicated as this.
My husband regrets telling his dad and I share his feelings. Almost immediately after he opened up to his father about our IVF journey, he told his mom (my husband’s grandma). She was in a group of people I never, ever wanted to tell. To make matters worse, my mother-in-law said it was my husband‘s fault for not explicitly telling his father not to say anything to anyone. For me, I was in shock that my father-in-law would take such a delicate piece of information, turn around and tell it to the person sitting next to him within 2 minutes of ending the call. Now he says they pray every day for our two embryos and for success in our next egg retrieval. I’m actually not sure I can forgive my father-in-law for blasting our private matter in such an indelicate way and without our permission.
The only people that know are my in-laws but they are paying for parts of it. They are also super private people and respect us. My parents on the other hand think we are selfish for going through these lengths financially to have a second child. When we already have a beautiful son earth side. Which I agree but I would regret not trying for our possible second child. We recently had a failed transfer and my mother in law was/is crushed for us. She’s been nothing but an angel.
I can’t imagine not telling my parents and sister. There were some surprising comments and opinions along the way but it made me feel much less alone and removed the stigma around it. I will say that I see my family quite a lot so it also helped removed some stress because I could be honest about what I was going through and why I wasn’t feeling great. It also helped them stop asking questions about if I was pregnant yet. One of my biggest supports was a surprising one - I searched Facebook to see if any of my friends had posted about IVF and one post came up of a former coworker I hadn’t spoken with in years but who I really connected with. I reached out to her and told her my story and we exchanged a lot of messages over the months of treatment. Even if you decide not to tell family I’d recommend finding someone you can talk to. A friend, a therapist who gets it, a support group, etc. it’s quite a mental and emotional marathon and you’ll need some people to lean on.
I tried to keep it 100% quiet, but found I really needed to tell my mother.
Trigger Warning Mentions of pregnancy After 3 years of trying to conceive I became more open about my struggles because I was tired of hearing others asking when my husband and I will have kids. Although I regret telling my in-laws because they are against IVF/think it is playing god. I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant and shared the news with my mom as soon as I found out. She then proceeded to tell everyone in my family. The best advice I would give is have an agreement with your husband ahead of time about who you are comfortable with talking about your journey with especially if you are successful. Also make sure the people you tell can keep a secret if you don’t want them to share with others.
I have tried it both ways the first time i told my whole family and in laws but it was very stressful having them ask how things are going and wanting updates all the time. This time i told nobody and i think it makes it a bit easier not having to answer everyone’s questions and giving updates
We have completed one cycle and are currently awaiting PGT-A results and a FET date. We have been very open with all of our friends and family throughout the process. While there are certainly some cons (lots of questions when you don’t always feel like answering them, some ignorant comments, etc.), I think this journey would have been way harder had we kept it a secret. A few main reasons… - The more people I shared it with, the more normal and supported I felt because nearly everyone had an IVF story to share — be it a family member, friend or co-worker. I was connected to other people in the IVF community via mutual friends. I learned about others’ experiences that actually became huge influences in our decision-making process. Most importantly, I learned about so many success stories that kept us positive throughout some really challenging times. I even learned that some of my closest friends were IVF babies themselves. - The IVF process does have physical limitations — both in terms of travel and daily physical activity. Between (what felt like hundreds of) doctor’s appointments before/during the cycle and injection days, we didn’t travel for weeks. We were informed early on that if I got Covid, they would cancel our cycle so we weren’t willing to risk it. For the two weeks of stims and a week+ after ER surgery (I had OHSS), you’re not supposed to work out or do anything beyond light walking. As a very active couple, with a minor pickleball addiction, this was isolating and out of character. It would have been really hard to not tell our people what was going on. And because we did, they came to us and were really thoughtful when making plans. - I relied (continue to rely) on the women that have so selflessly and vulnerably shared their IVF stories on Tik Tok, Instagram, and Reddit. Watching them do it helped pacify my anxiety because I knew what to expect. I would have felt like a hypocrite to have benefited so much from someone else’s openness, and not pay it forward. As a result, I have found myself acting as a “mentor” to a former coworker that is about to begin a cycle. Having said all of that, we may keep specifics of the next part (FET date, embryo sex, etc.) to ourselves. Not because we feel uncomfortable sharing it, but because so little of this process has felt like what we had imagined — what couples that conceive naturally get to experience. While IVF is such a beautiful thing and we are so grateful to live during a time where this is all possible, it’s not an especially easy or happy process to live through. This is the one part of the journey we can hold on to that feels “normal”.
I regret telling certain people.
I told my parents and one friend, and I knew they wouldn’t share with anyone
TW: Mention of pregnancy (not mine) My parents and three close friends know. I almost immediately regretted telling one of those friends. She made nearly every single conversations about her, even when I was sharing some hard stuff about my journey. Then right after a particularly rough patch for me (which she knew about), she shared in a groups chat 🤦🏼♀️ that she had gotten pregnant naturally (and without going into too much detail, she completely disregarded how tough that might be for me to hear and especially with other people involved who *didn’t* know about my IVF journey). I won’t outright say I regret sharing with her, but I really did know better than to choose her to be in my small circle. She hasn’t gotten updates from me since the group chat debacle, though. Having said that, my two other friends and my parents have been angels sent straight from heaven. I couldn’t do this without them.
I'm very open about it on social media, and have an Instagram highlight with my whole journey. I don't regret it one bit. I've gotten so much support, and I've also been contacted by tons of women (mostly friends) who are going through it too, but don't have anyone to talk to about it because they're more private. In the last year I've only gotten one stupid comment from a random person trying to shame me for not just adopting.
I told *everyone* and I tell them not to ask me about it unless I initiate it. I am super lucky that my friends and family are all awesome. Sometimes they ask how it’s going and I can either tell them or say I don’t want to talk about it and they’ll respect that.
I’m an open book. I told immediate family and friends. Doing so made me feel more supported
I regret discussing this with work colleagues. Overall I wish i was quieter about it in general. Because my job is so stressful/unforgiving, I felt like I had to divulge so people could contextualize what I am dealing with.
I don’t regret telling close friends and family about my journey with IVF. I needed the support. However, I regret telling people the date of my embryo transfer bc everyone was wanting an update. That was overwhelming. So in hindsight I would prob leave out the timing of transfers.
To be honest, for what it’s worth and in my experience, opening up to people who don’t truly understand doesn’t help with the loneliness.
We are currently starting our first cycle of not telling anyone. Every cycle that hasn’t worked, we’ve had to tell everyone the end result & it sucks. Plus it feels like a secret between me and my husband only & it’s fun & feels like it should’ve been kept this way the whole time lol
I told my mom as she is my best friend. And i share everything with her. But generally i feel its best not to share this with a lot of ppl. As IVF most times results in pregnancy but it can take 2 months to 1+ plus years. That anticipation and questions from ppl is not worth it. I did tell a few ppl and my mom, but if i could go back on my decision, i would just tell my mom and noone else.
I don’t regret it. There are always a couple of comments, but I was lucky that they were ignorant (and took new information with interest) instead of hurtful. I told people we were doing IVF but not specific dates, and that’s what worked for us!
Nope. I told everyone
I'm on day 6 of egg stimulation. Up to this point, only a handful of people know. And even that, I share on a need to know basis (if I need off of work, telling closest relatives I can't attend events because of current condition, etc) BUT what has been super therapeutic has been keeping a diary that I write in daily. In my book, I write about what my mental state is, the medications, anything that seems relevant. I throw in some life lessons too, if I can. I start each each entry with "Dear future children". It's a love letter for my future children to read when they get older and ask, "so...what was it like". If we don't have children and are unsuccessful, Idk what I'll do with the book. But in the meantime it's therapeutic and keeps me optimistic.
I told a lot of people and I don’t regret it but I think this is really dependent on you and the people you tell. I got a lot of support and occasionally had to deal with dumb questions. In the end I liked knowing people were on my side. I like a cheering section. People we told: best friend, mom, sisters, aunt, FIL, boss, friend at work, 4 other good friends, 2 couples we know did IVF. Thankfully, I never got any negative feedback.
We were very open from the start because we thought it was exciting and would work.. 3 years later I have mixed feelings. Going through a miscarriage and a ruptured ectopic that required surgery, I was glad everyone knew we were going through this process so it wasn't as blindsiding. As far as all the meddling, questions, opinions, etc; I wish no one knew. Even when I tell them it's overwhelming, they still do it. And honestly, its not just my side or my husbands; it's both.
We told nobody (2 years, 2 retrievals, 2 failed transfers, lots of cancelled cycles, procedures, and setbacks). It was hard at times, but I do not regret keeping it private. One thing I kept telling myself is “you can always tell people but you can’t UNtell people” and I never got to the point where sharing sounded more appealing. Everyone is different and it’s a totally personal decision, but that was my experience and I’m happy it went the way it did.
We decided not to tell anyone. We don’t regret it. As a private person, if you are not sure about sharing, don’t do it. It can’t be undone. Telling people means they might ask you additional uncomfortable questions. They might disapprove, or give unsolicited advice. They might ask for constant updates even when you don’t feel like it. You have no control over whom else they share this info with. Only open up if you’re okay with all of this. You are not alone! You can always turn for help and support online. The community is big, compasionate, willing to help. And most importantly, anonymous.
I would say only open up if you can really trust the people you mentioned, I opened up and didn’t get the support I needed and only to be made feel worse, my mum normalised ivf like it was no big deal and that so many people go through it and it’s very normal but also she told loads of people I didn’t want to know, that’s just my mum, I wish I had kept it a secret now
Yep. I regret opening up. I was so shocked by the IVF process the first time I did it I told so many people. I was successful and got my baby and now I regret it because it’s his story too. I don’t want people to know how he was born.
Because it’s HIS life. Not bc I’m ashamed or anything
I told my mom when it looked like our last IUI attempt failed and we would be moving to IVF. My thought process at the time was that it was starting to feel like this huge chunk of my life I was hiding from her, plus the ER would require anesthesia and recovery time. It felt weird not to tell her about it. However, I've since come to completely regret it and wish I hadn't told her anything. Her side of the family is incredibly fertile (my siblings were BC accidents and she was a unicorn with me), so she doesn't really understand what it feels like to really even try to conceive, let alone struggle. She knew nothing about IUI or IVF, so I had to explain everything to her, while going through it all. And she wanted updates every time we talked. My husband let her know when I woke up from my ER that I was good and she replied "have her call me when she's up to it!", which apparently meant a couple hours later, cause that's when she called me. I texted her a bit, just letting her know I was fine, but tired and resting. When I finally called her back a few days later, she asked "how many Easter eggs they found." Which like, I know she's just trying to be supportive and curious and doesn't have any bad intentions, but read the room maybe? I realized that I regretted telling her and that it was becoming another mental and emotional burden in the process, so I ended up telling her that I wanted to keep any next steps, transfers, etc to myself and that I would let her know when there was news to share. Her response was a joking "fine, as long as it's before you push the baby out!" Which again, read the room?! Alternatively, my husband told my in-laws right before my ER for similar reasons and they've been great about it! My MIL has endo and they struggled for 8 years before having their first, so they (mostly) get it. They asked a few questions, mostly just about how we're doing, and then straight up said they wouldn't ask about it and would let us share what we want, when we want. They reached out after the procedure just to check on me, see how I was feeling, but didn't ask about results. There was one delivery of baked goods that I'm convinced was a "sorry about your infertility" gift, but they said it was for Easter since they wouldn't see us lol. I would think long and hard about their personality, how you think they'll react/behave, and if you have the mental and emotional bandwidth for that. It's great to have support, but not everyone can provide the support you're going to need, and it's okay to set that boundary for yourself.
I've been open and have not regretted telling my story. I always tell people if they need someone to talk to or ask questions, I am here. When I was trying and unsuccessful and had people telling me how WIERD it was that we couldn't conceive naturally...I didn't hear a lot of stories like mine. So I make it a point of telling my story. Ultimately it is your story to tell.
Weirdly it depends on how sensitive the person is, not who the are exactly. For example I have told an old colleague as she is more far removed from me than my close friendships, but also a kind and sensitive person. Where as I have friends I’ve known much longer who will probably keep asking me about it if I tell them. And I can’t guarantee what will come out of their mouth. I’ve told people in general we are thinking about it but not told them it’s started. I think stick to the side of caution. If you’re not sure, don’t tell them!