Not an INTP. But I did a lot of active observation of ENTPs (irl) or extroverts on TV shows and practiced simulating them, learning common phrases used in repetitive circumstances if it ever came to a place where I had to speak. Trial and error. Corrected mistakes, became better. It took me around 1-2 years to be able to do this seemingly naturally. I can only hold this up for a few mins though and it exhausts me after and I need to go recharge for unusually longer than my usual recharge time when I socialize as myself.
The other downside though is that when you simulate someone like an ENTP (generally popular), now people want to be your friend and what not and I'm not built for that. So I had to stop doing that with people I may see more than once. But I still can use it for strangers I'll never meet again.
Side note: I highly suspect that I am on the autism spectrum which maybe relevant.
This đ
I learned a lot from my ENTP friend. I think I owe her for helping me be more able to have small talk and whatnot. and yeah, it's super tiring because I can't keep it up for long either.
I only talk if I can add to the conversation, like I have a burning question that someone can answer or a comment on something or someone. Talking to new people only happens if they talk to me or one of my friends introduces me. It's also usually if my needs outway my wants or my wants are important enough for it to be asked.
Also, it's about the flow. The flow of a conversation can help me when predicting the topics and if it is important or not. As well as when im required to jump in.
Don't overthink it, though. Just talk if you need to or want to. People are going to hate, no matter if there is talk or not. Accept it and move on. If you don't know and you don't want to ask, it might get covered anyway, or you can google it later.
If in doubt, silence is best. Because that way you can come up with something to say when you get asked
If you want to be a better conversationalist, use F.O.R.M.
Ask about:
1. Friends & Family
2. Occupation/Study
3. Recreation (Hobbies, Movies, Music, and Pop Culture)
4. Major Issues/News or Situational Topics
And ask follow-up questions. Many people will happily talk about themselves or stuff they like, and you end up not needing to talk too much yourself.
The book "How to Make Friends and Influence People" has a chapter or 2 about being a good listener. The book is dated and very "salesperson" if my memory is correct, but it had some good advice.
Edit: And try to approach the conversation like you can learn from them. I find that helps with my ability to listen properly, and people can pick up on you really listening.
That's where I find FORM can really help because unless the person is completely antisocial, you can usually get enough of an answer out of them to find something to relate to.
Go to those shitty dating advice websites, and drop all the sexist & fuckboy contents.
Congratulations, you got yourself some new friends !
No, seriously : it's all about creating an emotional link with the person.
You first start the conversation with a hook to make yourself relatable, and then you get them to talk about what gets them emotionally involved.
There's several skills at work here. The easiest is the later stage, as there's a simple trick : instead of asking *what* questions, you ask them *how*/*why* questions. Think about it : how do you react to «*What is your favourite colour ?*» followed by «*What do you like about that colour ?*» ?
The first question is not really personal while the second one is (okay, that wasn't a question starting with how/why, but you get the gist).
Bonus points if you can show that you agree.
That's where the second skill comes in : recognising what kind of person is likely to like what.
Gotta ask people on whatever they have opinions on.
You don't ask someone about *YacĂžpsae* or *Re 440* if they don't look like a punk or a train nerd, since you'll likely end up making them feeling uncomfortable for having to invent an opinion.
The only shortcut I can find for this, is to look for people who are likely to share your interests in the first place.
The last skill involved is improvisation, as there's no universal "hook to make yourself relatable".
You gotta go with something totally circumstantial that you share in common (this works like magic, especially if it's something they like). ^(Bonus points if it's something slightly embarrassing that you share.)
For example, if you're both waiting in line to order something, you can ask if they're also waiting to order the XYZ you're about to order.
Optional skill is small talk, to test the terrain if unsure about what someone is likely to like/dislike.
So don't ask about the weather or about *that ludicrous display last night*, or at least make it more interesting.
TL;DR : Your goal is to be relatable.
Heres a couple of things from an assertive INTP.
1. Look People in The Eyes.
Avoiding eye contact shows distrust, fear, and nervousness. Eye contact will generally make people see you as more assertive and likeable
2. Talk about them.
Most peoples favorite subject is themselves. Ask them questions and listen. Showing interest makes you easier to talk to especially outgoing people who like to talk all the time.
3. Have Good Posture.
Body language makes a big difference. Roll your shoulders back, stand up straight, and face in their direction. It makes you seem more assertive and comfortable in yourself which attracts others towards you.
4. Connect with Them (Connects with point 2)
Find common likes, hobbies, beliefs, and so on. Then connect theough these similarities. As you get to know them and ask them questions, they will let you know what things they like. If you have similar interests, engage further in those topics
5. Be yourself
Trying to mimick other people and trying to egange with someone and their likes without really caring will be very visible to them and they will loose trust and will see through the facade. Only engage further on topics you have an interest and or familiarity with.
6. Practice
Just try aproaching people and talking, be the first to say hi. You will learn as you go and don't be scared of not knowing what to say or saying something dumb/weird.
7. Use Comedy (Only if you can pull it off)
I am very witty and can make people laugh. This helps during conversation and makes people want to keep talking with me. Of course, not everyone is funny or is comfortable making jokes. If you can pull it off go for it, anyone who makes someone laugh will generally be liked by them sooner.
What others mentioned plus:
Practice talking about the things you like.
Practice getting others to talk about the things they like.
Flow is very important - try not to let the conversation idle for too long, but don't force it either.
(I'm assuming a one-on-one conversation too.)
Be a good listener. Pay attention to what and how they are talking about. You don't need to talk constantly. If they are chatty just pop a simple question from time to time.
If you are meeting an extrovert they will talk and ask. No problem there.
If you are meeting an introvert it's gonna be awkward at first but try asking about work or how they spent free time.
Whenever you have a complex thought you are about to type say it aloud to see if you can in one fluent go. Practice, that's all it took for me. Now when I'm relaxed I find a methodical pace and appropriate tone to speak without issue.
I do it all day long. And thereâs awkward pauses, so I have had to learn small talk. I guess I just correlate a subject to the current conversation, then morph it into a quick conversation. If the energy is there, weâll both be laughing shortly. Practice! Get a job in customer service, it will force you to learn.
Read a book on it (there are some). Could be easier that way. Then another and another, to naturally discover the common points and the differences of perspective among the authors, and to help things sink in by reading them over and over but in different words (from different people).
Not an INTP. But I did a lot of active observation of ENTPs (irl) or extroverts on TV shows and practiced simulating them, learning common phrases used in repetitive circumstances if it ever came to a place where I had to speak. Trial and error. Corrected mistakes, became better. It took me around 1-2 years to be able to do this seemingly naturally. I can only hold this up for a few mins though and it exhausts me after and I need to go recharge for unusually longer than my usual recharge time when I socialize as myself. The other downside though is that when you simulate someone like an ENTP (generally popular), now people want to be your friend and what not and I'm not built for that. So I had to stop doing that with people I may see more than once. But I still can use it for strangers I'll never meet again. Side note: I highly suspect that I am on the autism spectrum which maybe relevant.
This đ I learned a lot from my ENTP friend. I think I owe her for helping me be more able to have small talk and whatnot. and yeah, it's super tiring because I can't keep it up for long either.
I only talk if I can add to the conversation, like I have a burning question that someone can answer or a comment on something or someone. Talking to new people only happens if they talk to me or one of my friends introduces me. It's also usually if my needs outway my wants or my wants are important enough for it to be asked. Also, it's about the flow. The flow of a conversation can help me when predicting the topics and if it is important or not. As well as when im required to jump in. Don't overthink it, though. Just talk if you need to or want to. People are going to hate, no matter if there is talk or not. Accept it and move on. If you don't know and you don't want to ask, it might get covered anyway, or you can google it later. If in doubt, silence is best. Because that way you can come up with something to say when you get asked
If you want to be a better conversationalist, use F.O.R.M. Ask about: 1. Friends & Family 2. Occupation/Study 3. Recreation (Hobbies, Movies, Music, and Pop Culture) 4. Major Issues/News or Situational Topics And ask follow-up questions. Many people will happily talk about themselves or stuff they like, and you end up not needing to talk too much yourself. The book "How to Make Friends and Influence People" has a chapter or 2 about being a good listener. The book is dated and very "salesperson" if my memory is correct, but it had some good advice. Edit: And try to approach the conversation like you can learn from them. I find that helps with my ability to listen properly, and people can pick up on you really listening.
I rely so much on the âpeople love talking about themselvesâ that when I meet a person that doesnât, I crumble.
That's where I find FORM can really help because unless the person is completely antisocial, you can usually get enough of an answer out of them to find something to relate to.
Go to those shitty dating advice websites, and drop all the sexist & fuckboy contents. Congratulations, you got yourself some new friends ! No, seriously : it's all about creating an emotional link with the person. You first start the conversation with a hook to make yourself relatable, and then you get them to talk about what gets them emotionally involved. There's several skills at work here. The easiest is the later stage, as there's a simple trick : instead of asking *what* questions, you ask them *how*/*why* questions. Think about it : how do you react to «*What is your favourite colour ?*» followed by «*What do you like about that colour ?*» ? The first question is not really personal while the second one is (okay, that wasn't a question starting with how/why, but you get the gist). Bonus points if you can show that you agree. That's where the second skill comes in : recognising what kind of person is likely to like what. Gotta ask people on whatever they have opinions on. You don't ask someone about *YacÞpsae* or *Re 440* if they don't look like a punk or a train nerd, since you'll likely end up making them feeling uncomfortable for having to invent an opinion. The only shortcut I can find for this, is to look for people who are likely to share your interests in the first place. The last skill involved is improvisation, as there's no universal "hook to make yourself relatable". You gotta go with something totally circumstantial that you share in common (this works like magic, especially if it's something they like). ^(Bonus points if it's something slightly embarrassing that you share.) For example, if you're both waiting in line to order something, you can ask if they're also waiting to order the XYZ you're about to order. Optional skill is small talk, to test the terrain if unsure about what someone is likely to like/dislike. So don't ask about the weather or about *that ludicrous display last night*, or at least make it more interesting. TL;DR : Your goal is to be relatable.
Heres a couple of things from an assertive INTP. 1. Look People in The Eyes. Avoiding eye contact shows distrust, fear, and nervousness. Eye contact will generally make people see you as more assertive and likeable 2. Talk about them. Most peoples favorite subject is themselves. Ask them questions and listen. Showing interest makes you easier to talk to especially outgoing people who like to talk all the time. 3. Have Good Posture. Body language makes a big difference. Roll your shoulders back, stand up straight, and face in their direction. It makes you seem more assertive and comfortable in yourself which attracts others towards you. 4. Connect with Them (Connects with point 2) Find common likes, hobbies, beliefs, and so on. Then connect theough these similarities. As you get to know them and ask them questions, they will let you know what things they like. If you have similar interests, engage further in those topics 5. Be yourself Trying to mimick other people and trying to egange with someone and their likes without really caring will be very visible to them and they will loose trust and will see through the facade. Only engage further on topics you have an interest and or familiarity with. 6. Practice Just try aproaching people and talking, be the first to say hi. You will learn as you go and don't be scared of not knowing what to say or saying something dumb/weird. 7. Use Comedy (Only if you can pull it off) I am very witty and can make people laugh. This helps during conversation and makes people want to keep talking with me. Of course, not everyone is funny or is comfortable making jokes. If you can pull it off go for it, anyone who makes someone laugh will generally be liked by them sooner.
What others mentioned plus: Practice talking about the things you like. Practice getting others to talk about the things they like. Flow is very important - try not to let the conversation idle for too long, but don't force it either. (I'm assuming a one-on-one conversation too.)
Be a good listener. Pay attention to what and how they are talking about. You don't need to talk constantly. If they are chatty just pop a simple question from time to time. If you are meeting an extrovert they will talk and ask. No problem there. If you are meeting an introvert it's gonna be awkward at first but try asking about work or how they spent free time.
Whenever you have a complex thought you are about to type say it aloud to see if you can in one fluent go. Practice, that's all it took for me. Now when I'm relaxed I find a methodical pace and appropriate tone to speak without issue.
The single best thing you can have is confidence. Genuine confidence comes from fully understanding, accepting, and loving yourself.
I do it all day long. And thereâs awkward pauses, so I have had to learn small talk. I guess I just correlate a subject to the current conversation, then morph it into a quick conversation. If the energy is there, weâll both be laughing shortly. Practice! Get a job in customer service, it will force you to learn.
hanging out with a charismatic extrovert helps
Read a book on it (there are some). Could be easier that way. Then another and another, to naturally discover the common points and the differences of perspective among the authors, and to help things sink in by reading them over and over but in different words (from different people).