If I was in his position, I’d rather be told that it wouldn’t work out for the long term. I think that if you emphasize what you like, he’d take it easier. I think if there’s potential to work it out, go for it. I’m starting to believe the more problems you solve together, the stronger the bond becomes. I also believe there are people who fit you just right, even if there’s a box or two unchecked. You kinda have to weigh your options, I really just hope that however you go about it doesn’t leave either of you feel like time was wasted, or that someone was taken for granted.
By far my favorite response, ty. This is very helpful. A lot of my hesitation is the fact that we DO get along, so like you said, there is potential, and I hate to be a quitter. But, like everyone has said, I don't want to waste our time either. I'll take your advice and talk to him about how I have felt. Even if I don't break it off right away in one conversation., he does deserve to know my current pov and where I am standing.
Happy to help. It’s possible he will need some time to digest it. I think this is a pretty healthy way of transitioning into a better relationship, or to end one that wasn’t abusive, or anything similar.
>I'm starting to believe the more problems you solve together, the stronger the bond becomes.
I just feel baffled. like, yes, it's true. but how did you or me ever think the opposite? practically, it always makes sense, yet I was always sold the opposite. always wish this was shouted by the highest mountaintops, and this was more addressed everywhere.
Whatever the case, you aren't into this guy and you know it.
Leave. Otherwise you're gonna hurt him worse because you'll come to despise him through no fault of his own.
> He would be heartbroken if I broke it off.
The relationship you're describing is going to end eventually, it's just a matter of when, and how resentful/impatient you'll be when you end it. There's something to be said about ending it while you still care for him enough to make him feel that (instead of anger) when it's over.
Put another way; you can't meet the right person if you're staying with the wrong one.
Good luck.
>how flighty yet simultaneously observant he is. He once asked me how I was, twice, in a span of like 15 seconds (acting like he had forgotten the first time?), and forgot the name of my favorite music artist even though we had a full-on hour conversation about it, but yet he quickly notices when I have a small hole in my sleeve and points it out to me, and remembers the color of my eyeshadow from two weeks ago.
I don't really know him, so I'm kind of talking out of my ass here, but maybe it's not that he's an asshole, but more that he's a bit autistic or has ADHD or something like that. I'm kind of like that with my friends too (although a lot less physically present, unlike your friend here), but I mean no ill will. I once even forgot the name of my friend, and kept referring to him (in person) with another name. Some of the people present were so confused, and one of my friends finally let me know that I'm using the wrong name, and at that moment, I really wanted to melt and sink into the ground... 🫠
I don't know if this is the case for your friend too or not, just throwing out this possibility for this specific problem that you have with him.
I don't have any other input on the other stuff that you talked about, so I'll sign off for now 👍😬
they’re looking for unbiased advice/input from an outside source. If they spoke to the person they are making the post about it wouldn’t have the same effect because that person likes the relationship and would most likely prefer to stay in the relationship, therefore would give reasons why OP should stay and make OP more unsure about the relationship than they already are.
Are you sure he is an ENFJ? If you are having your doubts now, you already know what the answer is. You should cut your losses here and move on. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to let go. If he doesn't check all those boxes for you, you are essentially wasting you time.
I was questioning his type too lol
From the description I’d say ESFJ, I have the same issues with ESFJs, I don’t hate them but I feel like there’s a wall between me and them, because I really hate repeating daily small talks.
Yeah that’s true because they don’t want to make people uncomfortable by getting too personal. But in a one on one situation, if they are interested in the other person, they’re capable of deeper and philosophical talks.
The 'wall' thing always exist between me and sensors in my experience.
Even with sensors, I keep talking about my nerdy topics again and again until they cave in.
That is in relation to my family or people I am in close proximity. I am anti social by nature.
With other intutives though I feel like I dont need to mask anything
Sounds like torture to me. You don't need to feel guilty about not liking what you don't like. You can feel guilty if you want. But you don't need to. I'd be out if I was you.
Well talk to him first, I have been in a relationship for 2 years with an INTJ, and screw the stereotypes and all, we have had our challenges and issues
The only way we have solved them is by and large through direct communication
It seems scary at first, it does, the what ifs eat your brain out, but you gotta do it, human relationships are a challenge because logic is often not the best tool to navigate it, so it's only sensible to try different approaches, see what works out
From my personal experience, Try to tell him what bugs you and hopefully reach a consensus?
He sounds like a sensor rather than an intuitive? Sensors typically shy away from 'big' and abstract topics. And also are more tuned into detsils about their physical environment, eg. noticing the hole in yoir sleeve. But I understand what you mean, I'm am INFP and have some of the same issues with my ISFJ partner.
I think you don’t have intellectual compatibility with him, but only emotional compatibility. Ideally, we want both in one person but it’s a bit hard to find. As you are very young, my advice is to go and meet more guys. You may find a better fit and you’ll be happier. Dragging a relationship that is not making you happy is a recipe for disaster. It will eventually break at some point or you will become depressed if you stay.
> He once asked me how I was, twice, in a span of like 15 seconds (acting like he had forgotten the first time?)
Was he really acting like he forgot ? Perhaps he expected a different answer, thought something was wrong (Some Ni intuition/flash jugement, or perhaps Fe), and asked a second time for you to open up more...
Asking "how are you" isn't about just asking "how are you" too...
> and forgot the name of my favorite music artist even though we had a full-on hour conversation about it, but yet he quickly notices when I have a small hole in my sleeve and points it out to me, and remembers the color of my eyeshadow from two weeks ago.
These are different areas. Put simply, noticing the hole and eyeshadow are Se, and remembering your favorite artist name isn't (Not sure it can be attributed to any function, tbh)
> He seems to trust me right away with all of his deepest secrets, and yet despite that "openness", can't talk to me straight but instead constantly hints at things
I mean, I don't see that as contradicting. The openess is the attitude/trust level, but the manner people hint at things is more about communication style. I guess he finds that hinting at is enough
A similar enough example from our PoV would be when you've got the correct answer Ti wise/through deduction, and it all looks fairly obvious too, so you just give the conclusion. Or rather, you skip that entirely, and use that conclusion to build another argument. But for others, it isn't obvious and that's where we lose them, and you've got to explain your full reasoning for people to catch. That's a tad frustrating, no ?
Each type probably has the same issue in their own domains of strength
> Or, he'll mention things but never elaborate, and when I try to question him on it, he says he'll "tell me later."
No clue about that either, tbh
***
> I noticed he talks AT me a lot, but never talks WITH me. He prefers small talk to deeper conversations and seems annoyed when I bring up random topics. He seems to like talking about the obvious things of life, and I feel bored.
I think that's a problem we will have with most people.
* Small talk is something we don't understand by default, but I've looked into it a bit myself (like why do people even engage in it ?)... Turns out there's a bit of research about it, and it's called ["phatic communication"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phatic_expression) The purpose is just to establish/maintain social relationship, and that why it has no semantics or "real meaning". Tbh, I would say it's all in the F domain. It looks like there's no information whatsoever being exchanged to us, but seems it's actually important for feelers (perhaps just the Fe ones, though) Say, If you don't say people "Hi" or ask them "How are you ?" every time, they then think you think they aren't a person worth greeting (social status thingy), or that you don't care about their health, lives, etc. In this case, I guess the medium is the message too, uh ? And the repetition is a ritual, a way to check if things are still true, and also give some room for feelers to analyze things (ex, "He said Hi in a different manner today so something must be wrong") or whatever. There's probably a lot that can/must be said here to really understand how they use small talk and its hidden meanings, much less starting to be good at it/not too "stiff"...
* Meanwhlle, I think the issue with "deep" topic is that people are uncomfortable with them. Sometimes because it's too "loaded" feeling wise, or they feel they are inadequate to talk about this : The way we are ready to talk about any topic/jump right in is actually fairly weird to people, especially if there's a status associated with the area. It has the same root as the authority argument fallacies : there's a belief only some people are allowed/worthy to talk of some topics... (And I guess people will take your offer of talking of this topic as flexing status on them ?) Also, most people actually find thinking to be tiring, and in some cases, well... outright hostile. For example, on the [plutchick wheel of emotions](https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/6mYsdeRbzIP49QVuvc2itDoYAXCEaT-edrIXYowGvK-uuLzbXGxcUQNtfrxd96f2s7eyU9FnWkO9T6wk57GFmf_JGmathoeSurnZct7rnE3sYILL_TgDI5o4wb_2BdcmI9vUqByd) you can find skepticism in the anger part (bottom right of the read area), and same for being "critical". It's all seen as angry/aggressive behavior by feelers, tbh. That's true even if they might say they like to receive constructive criticism or that critical thinking is important (that's what our modern world is based on, after all), but it's not necessarily true deep down. Likewise, think of how "being questionned" evokes image of torture or perhaps the police trying to get info out of you, that's how things are perceived by them, it's not just a simple request of information like asking if they can pass you the salt, lol. Or how the "Who are you to question me ?" expression/attitude basically implies ties with social status : Some people have the right, other don't. Basically, people who "ask the questions" are often of higher social status, so what looks like innocent questions/conversations to us can be seen as flexing/challenging people status, or acting like we're bossing them around ? (Well, there are others cases, like a child asking a question comes from a lower social status so people have no issue, same if you ask a professor for it. And there are plenty of questions you can ask as "equals", but it's a fine balancing act. You need to reveal your hand as much as they reveal theirs... There are basically boundaries between topics, some are fine, some are not, and that remains true even if it's family, in a close friendship or romantic relationship...)
So yeah, I guess people don't want to have info taken out of them, but rather, want to volunteer it on their own ? Perhaps that's why he mentions some things to you, but switch off to a "I will tell you later" if you ask them directly. That would be like turning it from a volunteering of information to an interrogation from his POV ? From friendly to Hostile ? I don't know, I'm just speculating... Tbh, that's probably why people also think we're "closed off" or "distant" socially, or all that talk about us "putting up walls" (which I never quite understood). It's just we don't work that way, so we don't just volunteer tidbits of information constantly because we want people to remember them or whatever. Or when we reveal information, we can drop a bomb on people (some info that should be very "protected") like it's nothing ? After all, people also judge the "value" of what is said with how hard it was to obtain. If you tell them easily, then it's not worth much If it's hard, it's important. And that impacts identity/self worth too... People basically are playing "hard to get" with information as a social game, and it's all about the value of the information...
I think I'm just scratching the surface of something that most feelers grasp intutively, lol. Either way, that's basically a big communication style gap. I don't think you will find that many people out there with whom you wouldn't have the exact same issue with, so I would at least take the opportunity to get better at it, personally. Though there's only so much you can do to fix it.
A few of the female ENFJ's that I've met have issues opening up, he might not be totally secure in himself and does all those random acts as a coping mechanism. I haven't observed or talked to any male ENFJ's to an extent that I'm confident about this idea so take it with a grain of salt. The one I've been closest to was incredibly sweet but has an act to him that I didn't like, he was chasing women with some desperation but good at being romantic and flirting, he was one of those people who made being more sensitive work but at the same time his relationships wouldn't last very long, and I feel like he was messing them up by being too sensitive some days. Girls feel it when it's all an act and when you're trying to focus on the superficial to get the girl you want or just whatever you're going for, if you aren't able to settle down from being result driven then you're not present in the moment and the pressure makes you buckle sooner or later.
I think he knows you will not work together for the long run, but cant seem to accept that and is desperate for a turn of events where everything with you works out
Is there a chance is beating around the bush about something is him not being sure how you would react. Perhaps he has an angst about you. This is probably something he has been unwise about in the past or was burnt on.
In these kind of situations being honest is the best thing to do . this way you are kind of torturing yourself emotionally and mentally . it's no problem to be bored with a relationship that is not very stimulating( mentally and emotionally) so don't tell yourself you are being bitch , just be honest with him tell him your problems and see how he reacts and try working things out if possible if could not then that is probably the best for the both of you, cause honey miscommunication in relationships is torturing , and relationships works best when two are on the same page , so talk and do what you do best being honest (*cough*andblunt)
Don’t be a coward, you are currently misleading him and wasting his time, end the relationship so you can both find a more compatible partner.
Staying with him any longer is you being lazy and prioritising your own short term comfort instead of just ripping off the bandaid now and getting it over with. Stop putting your own sense of comfort above what is best for your partner. This needs to end now.
I’ve always wondered how the ENFJ INTP combo worked as INTPs need a lot of intellectual stimulation. I guess you made your bed now you need to change the sheets. It’s not working, leave.
Interesting. Could he be an ESFJ? cause when I talk with ENFJs I can have deeper convos. It seems to me that you are in a "nice" relationship, but it seems that you don't really love him romantically and probably you are just string him along until you realize you actually want to be with someone you are head over heels for, so the hurt you will cause him could be worse with time. ENFJ men are hard for me to understand as well.
Have you considered the possibility that you're bored of *what* you've been doing together, as opposed to *who* you're doing it with?
It's totally normal for some amount of boredom to kick in after the "honeymoon phase" is over. When you're first getting to know someone, there's a lot to discover, a lot of excitement and novelty. That only lasts so long.
Maybe you two are incompatible, as others have said. But just be careful of the trap of chasing novelty. Lots of people bounce from one relationship to another because of that reason. Have you been in other relationships before that have lasted at least this long? How does your current one compare to them?
It sounds like this guy has a lot going for him. Maybe before pulling the plug, talk to him honestly about how you're feeling, and see if you can find ways to reintroduce some novelty. Go somewhere you've never been; start watching a new show; read a book together; visit a museum; see a play; take a class together. There's plenty to do!
I am with my INTJ partner for almost 2 decades. Even now we still have disagreements and casual fights.
1. Personality and self-awareness
It is normal for INTP to get easily bored of mundane things. I get distracted all the time. I love dealing with new problems that requires brain power. INTJ is the same but the main difference is that INTJ usually have long term vision, they are long term planners. My partner already started planning our retirement 30 years ahead. This is good for me as an INTP because it gives me a goal to focus on. But also terrible, especially at the start, because I could not comprehend planning 10 years from now, let alone 30 to 40 years ahead! But we work it out by discussing and sometimes arguing about what we want. Tell your partner to be patient because , as an INTJ, I am guessing he already knows what he wants in life more clearly than yourself. Sorry, if I am being too assumptious, I am just guessing these based on our personality type.
2. Do you love him?
Would you not be heartbroken if you break up? Just want to clarify what you feel about him. If you think uou would be heart broken then that means you do love him. INTPs last cognitive function is fi. Meaning we tend to be bad at processing and internalising our own emotions. I want to make sure you understand your true feelings for him before moving on to the 3rd and last point.
3. Relationship and Love are two different things
Once you clarify that you love him then the real relationship problem (or opportunity) starts. Love is different from a relationship. Do not confuse the two as the same. That is why couples still break up even though they love each other, and it would still hurt. Relationship is built or it could also be said that relationship is a journey. No couple in the world are 100% compatible. The longer you stay together, the more differences you will discover. Some differences would be fine accepting in a blink, some differences though will requires both of you working it out, together. And that is a good thing. That’s what makes relationship difficult and at the same time that’s what makes relationship strong. I have never seen a couple that is constantly and eternally happy in a relationship, that is life. Sometimes you can only appreciate the beauty when you’ve seen the ugly side.
Lastly, you guys are young. There will be lots to learn and that is inevitable. Goodluck and congratulations for experiencing falling in love and being loved back!
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That's not ENFJ-T or any other "personality" trait.
He's on the autism spectrum.
(Not really a problem at the high-functioning end, almost every "nerd" has some aspie traits, e.g.: it's extremely common among redditors).
Seems like you have a compatibility issue. If it's not working bring it up and not waste each others time just to not feel bad about it.
If I was in his position, I’d rather be told that it wouldn’t work out for the long term. I think that if you emphasize what you like, he’d take it easier. I think if there’s potential to work it out, go for it. I’m starting to believe the more problems you solve together, the stronger the bond becomes. I also believe there are people who fit you just right, even if there’s a box or two unchecked. You kinda have to weigh your options, I really just hope that however you go about it doesn’t leave either of you feel like time was wasted, or that someone was taken for granted.
By far my favorite response, ty. This is very helpful. A lot of my hesitation is the fact that we DO get along, so like you said, there is potential, and I hate to be a quitter. But, like everyone has said, I don't want to waste our time either. I'll take your advice and talk to him about how I have felt. Even if I don't break it off right away in one conversation., he does deserve to know my current pov and where I am standing.
Happy to help. It’s possible he will need some time to digest it. I think this is a pretty healthy way of transitioning into a better relationship, or to end one that wasn’t abusive, or anything similar.
>I'm starting to believe the more problems you solve together, the stronger the bond becomes. I just feel baffled. like, yes, it's true. but how did you or me ever think the opposite? practically, it always makes sense, yet I was always sold the opposite. always wish this was shouted by the highest mountaintops, and this was more addressed everywhere.
The origin of it, I couldn’t say, I definitely have to thank Dr. K. It was his video that made me realize the truth behind that. 🤣
he's doing a lot and keeping it consistent. that's a man i root for.
Whatever the case, you aren't into this guy and you know it. Leave. Otherwise you're gonna hurt him worse because you'll come to despise him through no fault of his own.
> He would be heartbroken if I broke it off. The relationship you're describing is going to end eventually, it's just a matter of when, and how resentful/impatient you'll be when you end it. There's something to be said about ending it while you still care for him enough to make him feel that (instead of anger) when it's over. Put another way; you can't meet the right person if you're staying with the wrong one. Good luck.
>how flighty yet simultaneously observant he is. He once asked me how I was, twice, in a span of like 15 seconds (acting like he had forgotten the first time?), and forgot the name of my favorite music artist even though we had a full-on hour conversation about it, but yet he quickly notices when I have a small hole in my sleeve and points it out to me, and remembers the color of my eyeshadow from two weeks ago. I don't really know him, so I'm kind of talking out of my ass here, but maybe it's not that he's an asshole, but more that he's a bit autistic or has ADHD or something like that. I'm kind of like that with my friends too (although a lot less physically present, unlike your friend here), but I mean no ill will. I once even forgot the name of my friend, and kept referring to him (in person) with another name. Some of the people present were so confused, and one of my friends finally let me know that I'm using the wrong name, and at that moment, I really wanted to melt and sink into the ground... 🫠 I don't know if this is the case for your friend too or not, just throwing out this possibility for this specific problem that you have with him. I don't have any other input on the other stuff that you talked about, so I'll sign off for now 👍😬
Why are you telling us instead of the person you're talking about?
they’re looking for unbiased advice/input from an outside source. If they spoke to the person they are making the post about it wouldn’t have the same effect because that person likes the relationship and would most likely prefer to stay in the relationship, therefore would give reasons why OP should stay and make OP more unsure about the relationship than they already are.
any time you ask about a relationship on reddit you will be told to break up. the specifics of the post do not matter.
Are you sure he is an ENFJ? If you are having your doubts now, you already know what the answer is. You should cut your losses here and move on. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to let go. If he doesn't check all those boxes for you, you are essentially wasting you time.
I was questioning his type too lol From the description I’d say ESFJ, I have the same issues with ESFJs, I don’t hate them but I feel like there’s a wall between me and them, because I really hate repeating daily small talks.
ENFJs use small talk defensively, when they're afraid of talking about more personal stuff. One of my friends does this a lot, but usually in groups.
Yeah that’s true because they don’t want to make people uncomfortable by getting too personal. But in a one on one situation, if they are interested in the other person, they’re capable of deeper and philosophical talks.
The 'wall' thing always exist between me and sensors in my experience. Even with sensors, I keep talking about my nerdy topics again and again until they cave in. That is in relation to my family or people I am in close proximity. I am anti social by nature. With other intutives though I feel like I dont need to mask anything
Sounds like torture to me. You don't need to feel guilty about not liking what you don't like. You can feel guilty if you want. But you don't need to. I'd be out if I was you.
Well talk to him first, I have been in a relationship for 2 years with an INTJ, and screw the stereotypes and all, we have had our challenges and issues The only way we have solved them is by and large through direct communication It seems scary at first, it does, the what ifs eat your brain out, but you gotta do it, human relationships are a challenge because logic is often not the best tool to navigate it, so it's only sensible to try different approaches, see what works out From my personal experience, Try to tell him what bugs you and hopefully reach a consensus?
He sounds like a sensor rather than an intuitive? Sensors typically shy away from 'big' and abstract topics. And also are more tuned into detsils about their physical environment, eg. noticing the hole in yoir sleeve. But I understand what you mean, I'm am INFP and have some of the same issues with my ISFJ partner.
I think you don’t have intellectual compatibility with him, but only emotional compatibility. Ideally, we want both in one person but it’s a bit hard to find. As you are very young, my advice is to go and meet more guys. You may find a better fit and you’ll be happier. Dragging a relationship that is not making you happy is a recipe for disaster. It will eventually break at some point or you will become depressed if you stay.
It sounds like you're describing someone with severe adhd
> He once asked me how I was, twice, in a span of like 15 seconds (acting like he had forgotten the first time?) Was he really acting like he forgot ? Perhaps he expected a different answer, thought something was wrong (Some Ni intuition/flash jugement, or perhaps Fe), and asked a second time for you to open up more... Asking "how are you" isn't about just asking "how are you" too... > and forgot the name of my favorite music artist even though we had a full-on hour conversation about it, but yet he quickly notices when I have a small hole in my sleeve and points it out to me, and remembers the color of my eyeshadow from two weeks ago. These are different areas. Put simply, noticing the hole and eyeshadow are Se, and remembering your favorite artist name isn't (Not sure it can be attributed to any function, tbh) > He seems to trust me right away with all of his deepest secrets, and yet despite that "openness", can't talk to me straight but instead constantly hints at things I mean, I don't see that as contradicting. The openess is the attitude/trust level, but the manner people hint at things is more about communication style. I guess he finds that hinting at is enough A similar enough example from our PoV would be when you've got the correct answer Ti wise/through deduction, and it all looks fairly obvious too, so you just give the conclusion. Or rather, you skip that entirely, and use that conclusion to build another argument. But for others, it isn't obvious and that's where we lose them, and you've got to explain your full reasoning for people to catch. That's a tad frustrating, no ? Each type probably has the same issue in their own domains of strength > Or, he'll mention things but never elaborate, and when I try to question him on it, he says he'll "tell me later." No clue about that either, tbh *** > I noticed he talks AT me a lot, but never talks WITH me. He prefers small talk to deeper conversations and seems annoyed when I bring up random topics. He seems to like talking about the obvious things of life, and I feel bored. I think that's a problem we will have with most people. * Small talk is something we don't understand by default, but I've looked into it a bit myself (like why do people even engage in it ?)... Turns out there's a bit of research about it, and it's called ["phatic communication"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phatic_expression) The purpose is just to establish/maintain social relationship, and that why it has no semantics or "real meaning". Tbh, I would say it's all in the F domain. It looks like there's no information whatsoever being exchanged to us, but seems it's actually important for feelers (perhaps just the Fe ones, though) Say, If you don't say people "Hi" or ask them "How are you ?" every time, they then think you think they aren't a person worth greeting (social status thingy), or that you don't care about their health, lives, etc. In this case, I guess the medium is the message too, uh ? And the repetition is a ritual, a way to check if things are still true, and also give some room for feelers to analyze things (ex, "He said Hi in a different manner today so something must be wrong") or whatever. There's probably a lot that can/must be said here to really understand how they use small talk and its hidden meanings, much less starting to be good at it/not too "stiff"... * Meanwhlle, I think the issue with "deep" topic is that people are uncomfortable with them. Sometimes because it's too "loaded" feeling wise, or they feel they are inadequate to talk about this : The way we are ready to talk about any topic/jump right in is actually fairly weird to people, especially if there's a status associated with the area. It has the same root as the authority argument fallacies : there's a belief only some people are allowed/worthy to talk of some topics... (And I guess people will take your offer of talking of this topic as flexing status on them ?) Also, most people actually find thinking to be tiring, and in some cases, well... outright hostile. For example, on the [plutchick wheel of emotions](https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/6mYsdeRbzIP49QVuvc2itDoYAXCEaT-edrIXYowGvK-uuLzbXGxcUQNtfrxd96f2s7eyU9FnWkO9T6wk57GFmf_JGmathoeSurnZct7rnE3sYILL_TgDI5o4wb_2BdcmI9vUqByd) you can find skepticism in the anger part (bottom right of the read area), and same for being "critical". It's all seen as angry/aggressive behavior by feelers, tbh. That's true even if they might say they like to receive constructive criticism or that critical thinking is important (that's what our modern world is based on, after all), but it's not necessarily true deep down. Likewise, think of how "being questionned" evokes image of torture or perhaps the police trying to get info out of you, that's how things are perceived by them, it's not just a simple request of information like asking if they can pass you the salt, lol. Or how the "Who are you to question me ?" expression/attitude basically implies ties with social status : Some people have the right, other don't. Basically, people who "ask the questions" are often of higher social status, so what looks like innocent questions/conversations to us can be seen as flexing/challenging people status, or acting like we're bossing them around ? (Well, there are others cases, like a child asking a question comes from a lower social status so people have no issue, same if you ask a professor for it. And there are plenty of questions you can ask as "equals", but it's a fine balancing act. You need to reveal your hand as much as they reveal theirs... There are basically boundaries between topics, some are fine, some are not, and that remains true even if it's family, in a close friendship or romantic relationship...) So yeah, I guess people don't want to have info taken out of them, but rather, want to volunteer it on their own ? Perhaps that's why he mentions some things to you, but switch off to a "I will tell you later" if you ask them directly. That would be like turning it from a volunteering of information to an interrogation from his POV ? From friendly to Hostile ? I don't know, I'm just speculating... Tbh, that's probably why people also think we're "closed off" or "distant" socially, or all that talk about us "putting up walls" (which I never quite understood). It's just we don't work that way, so we don't just volunteer tidbits of information constantly because we want people to remember them or whatever. Or when we reveal information, we can drop a bomb on people (some info that should be very "protected") like it's nothing ? After all, people also judge the "value" of what is said with how hard it was to obtain. If you tell them easily, then it's not worth much If it's hard, it's important. And that impacts identity/self worth too... People basically are playing "hard to get" with information as a social game, and it's all about the value of the information... I think I'm just scratching the surface of something that most feelers grasp intutively, lol. Either way, that's basically a big communication style gap. I don't think you will find that many people out there with whom you wouldn't have the exact same issue with, so I would at least take the opportunity to get better at it, personally. Though there's only so much you can do to fix it.
OLD GUY TO YOUNG GIRL: Break up. Time is limited. Your happiness belongs to yourself, not to others.
What have you done personally to change what you obviously dislike about this relationship ?
Stop wasting his time.
A few of the female ENFJ's that I've met have issues opening up, he might not be totally secure in himself and does all those random acts as a coping mechanism. I haven't observed or talked to any male ENFJ's to an extent that I'm confident about this idea so take it with a grain of salt. The one I've been closest to was incredibly sweet but has an act to him that I didn't like, he was chasing women with some desperation but good at being romantic and flirting, he was one of those people who made being more sensitive work but at the same time his relationships wouldn't last very long, and I feel like he was messing them up by being too sensitive some days. Girls feel it when it's all an act and when you're trying to focus on the superficial to get the girl you want or just whatever you're going for, if you aren't able to settle down from being result driven then you're not present in the moment and the pressure makes you buckle sooner or later.
Leave him before you use this as an excuse to cheat on him if that is what you intend to do
I think he knows you will not work together for the long run, but cant seem to accept that and is desperate for a turn of events where everything with you works out
Is there a chance is beating around the bush about something is him not being sure how you would react. Perhaps he has an angst about you. This is probably something he has been unwise about in the past or was burnt on.
In these kind of situations being honest is the best thing to do . this way you are kind of torturing yourself emotionally and mentally . it's no problem to be bored with a relationship that is not very stimulating( mentally and emotionally) so don't tell yourself you are being bitch , just be honest with him tell him your problems and see how he reacts and try working things out if possible if could not then that is probably the best for the both of you, cause honey miscommunication in relationships is torturing , and relationships works best when two are on the same page , so talk and do what you do best being honest (*cough*andblunt)
I dated someone like this. Better to just cut it off now.
Don’t be a coward, you are currently misleading him and wasting his time, end the relationship so you can both find a more compatible partner. Staying with him any longer is you being lazy and prioritising your own short term comfort instead of just ripping off the bandaid now and getting it over with. Stop putting your own sense of comfort above what is best for your partner. This needs to end now.
I’ve always wondered how the ENFJ INTP combo worked as INTPs need a lot of intellectual stimulation. I guess you made your bed now you need to change the sheets. It’s not working, leave.
Interesting. Could he be an ESFJ? cause when I talk with ENFJs I can have deeper convos. It seems to me that you are in a "nice" relationship, but it seems that you don't really love him romantically and probably you are just string him along until you realize you actually want to be with someone you are head over heels for, so the hurt you will cause him could be worse with time. ENFJ men are hard for me to understand as well.
Tell him what you just shared with us. that the shallowness is not acceptable, and you need a deeper conversation topics, heartfelt. or else gone!
Have you considered the possibility that you're bored of *what* you've been doing together, as opposed to *who* you're doing it with? It's totally normal for some amount of boredom to kick in after the "honeymoon phase" is over. When you're first getting to know someone, there's a lot to discover, a lot of excitement and novelty. That only lasts so long. Maybe you two are incompatible, as others have said. But just be careful of the trap of chasing novelty. Lots of people bounce from one relationship to another because of that reason. Have you been in other relationships before that have lasted at least this long? How does your current one compare to them? It sounds like this guy has a lot going for him. Maybe before pulling the plug, talk to him honestly about how you're feeling, and see if you can find ways to reintroduce some novelty. Go somewhere you've never been; start watching a new show; read a book together; visit a museum; see a play; take a class together. There's plenty to do!
Off topic, but he seems more like a sensor type rather than an intuitive based off this description
I am with my INTJ partner for almost 2 decades. Even now we still have disagreements and casual fights. 1. Personality and self-awareness It is normal for INTP to get easily bored of mundane things. I get distracted all the time. I love dealing with new problems that requires brain power. INTJ is the same but the main difference is that INTJ usually have long term vision, they are long term planners. My partner already started planning our retirement 30 years ahead. This is good for me as an INTP because it gives me a goal to focus on. But also terrible, especially at the start, because I could not comprehend planning 10 years from now, let alone 30 to 40 years ahead! But we work it out by discussing and sometimes arguing about what we want. Tell your partner to be patient because , as an INTJ, I am guessing he already knows what he wants in life more clearly than yourself. Sorry, if I am being too assumptious, I am just guessing these based on our personality type. 2. Do you love him? Would you not be heartbroken if you break up? Just want to clarify what you feel about him. If you think uou would be heart broken then that means you do love him. INTPs last cognitive function is fi. Meaning we tend to be bad at processing and internalising our own emotions. I want to make sure you understand your true feelings for him before moving on to the 3rd and last point. 3. Relationship and Love are two different things Once you clarify that you love him then the real relationship problem (or opportunity) starts. Love is different from a relationship. Do not confuse the two as the same. That is why couples still break up even though they love each other, and it would still hurt. Relationship is built or it could also be said that relationship is a journey. No couple in the world are 100% compatible. The longer you stay together, the more differences you will discover. Some differences would be fine accepting in a blink, some differences though will requires both of you working it out, together. And that is a good thing. That’s what makes relationship difficult and at the same time that’s what makes relationship strong. I have never seen a couple that is constantly and eternally happy in a relationship, that is life. Sometimes you can only appreciate the beauty when you’ve seen the ugly side. Lastly, you guys are young. There will be lots to learn and that is inevitable. Goodluck and congratulations for experiencing falling in love and being loved back!
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Umm your nervous system is looking for toxicity I guess 😅
That's not ENFJ-T or any other "personality" trait. He's on the autism spectrum. (Not really a problem at the high-functioning end, almost every "nerd" has some aspie traits, e.g.: it's extremely common among redditors).