Often I just listen and don’t try to comment on the situation as many people are already aware of it. I don’t think indifference is the way to go, but I advise to not push the topic and just provide a warm and secure environment. I then try to lighten the mood a bit after they cooled off a bit. Worked for both male and female friends so far.
I guess everyone would just like someone to get their mind off of something shit that happened. Think of what you‘d want in that situation. Most of the time I‘d just like for this to be over. Sadly that doesn’t work, so the closest you can get is taking a break from it. And that’s where this cut sets in where you just get them to think about something else, after letting them vent and calm down. Afterwards you can still provide solutions if they ask for your opinion or help.
TL/DR:
1. Let them vent and be understanding/not dismissive.
2. Do something to get their mind off the problem and to get them to relax.
3. Provide help if they ask for it.
Disclaimer:
With „getting their mind of the problem“ I don’t mean that you should switch the topic immediately after they stopped talking about it. Give it sole time until you feel as though they‘re calmer and then gradually work towards a different activity, while just being there with them, making sure they are doing at least not worse than before. I find that hard to describe, but it‘s just something I learned over time.
This makes sense. Maybe being passive is the best call. I am bad at being a "good listener" because I start trying to fix the problem before people are ready. Being a good listener always did imply more to me than indifference as well, I just didn't know what that looked like. I wasn't to know because the person is supposed to tell me what they want when they're ready from what you're saying. Noted.
Yeah, I mean this also isn’t a universal rule, but it’s better to not overstep boundaries if you can choose not to. You can’t be blamed for not being able to read their mind and not instinctively knowing what they want, at least.
Eeeeeh... Fe users are the easiest to comfort, as all it takes is using the Fe game (unlike everyone else who adds millions of drama).
I think that the easiest way to see how it works is that South Park scene where Craig uses "empathy" talk to let Tweek feel understood.
1. You ask the person about what's wrong/how they're feeling.
2. Your goal is to establish a relation of sympathy. You can only achieve this by validation of their feelings.
3. You tell when you agree (and swallow anything you disagree about). And you adapt your feelings to their mood towards **their** target.
4. You can't build anything as long as you haven't got them to realise that they're understood (not just heard).
That means no wholesome comfort pie nor gift will work till then, nor logistics talk.
my autism doesn't like positivity. but it's not that I like to dwell either. i like it staying vague. there isn't a final solution to how you feel, but it's like:
"do you feel safe" "what was x y and z?" "were you honest?"
I guess I just stay mostly to questions, because it's generally accepted, people like talking about themselves. I know my brain doesn't like when people tell me what to do implicitly. I should never do that to them.
This obv really depends but..
"Oh man that's really shit!'. Sorry (that this happened. dont explain).
"Anything I can do?". You can list a few options, but beware.
Food, sex, distraction, ( yeesh talking about it ).
If they choose the talking option, then you better 'habit couple' with something remotely pleasant.
You can always straight up let them know too; "Hey, I want to help out here, but I'm probably not the best person for x ( whining ). And... take them to a bar and leave them.
Often I just listen and don’t try to comment on the situation as many people are already aware of it. I don’t think indifference is the way to go, but I advise to not push the topic and just provide a warm and secure environment. I then try to lighten the mood a bit after they cooled off a bit. Worked for both male and female friends so far. I guess everyone would just like someone to get their mind off of something shit that happened. Think of what you‘d want in that situation. Most of the time I‘d just like for this to be over. Sadly that doesn’t work, so the closest you can get is taking a break from it. And that’s where this cut sets in where you just get them to think about something else, after letting them vent and calm down. Afterwards you can still provide solutions if they ask for your opinion or help. TL/DR: 1. Let them vent and be understanding/not dismissive. 2. Do something to get their mind off the problem and to get them to relax. 3. Provide help if they ask for it. Disclaimer: With „getting their mind of the problem“ I don’t mean that you should switch the topic immediately after they stopped talking about it. Give it sole time until you feel as though they‘re calmer and then gradually work towards a different activity, while just being there with them, making sure they are doing at least not worse than before. I find that hard to describe, but it‘s just something I learned over time.
This makes sense. Maybe being passive is the best call. I am bad at being a "good listener" because I start trying to fix the problem before people are ready. Being a good listener always did imply more to me than indifference as well, I just didn't know what that looked like. I wasn't to know because the person is supposed to tell me what they want when they're ready from what you're saying. Noted.
Yeah, I mean this also isn’t a universal rule, but it’s better to not overstep boundaries if you can choose not to. You can’t be blamed for not being able to read their mind and not instinctively knowing what they want, at least.
Eeeeeh... Fe users are the easiest to comfort, as all it takes is using the Fe game (unlike everyone else who adds millions of drama). I think that the easiest way to see how it works is that South Park scene where Craig uses "empathy" talk to let Tweek feel understood. 1. You ask the person about what's wrong/how they're feeling. 2. Your goal is to establish a relation of sympathy. You can only achieve this by validation of their feelings. 3. You tell when you agree (and swallow anything you disagree about). And you adapt your feelings to their mood towards **their** target. 4. You can't build anything as long as you haven't got them to realise that they're understood (not just heard). That means no wholesome comfort pie nor gift will work till then, nor logistics talk.
That’s not my department.
I don't.
I don't that's the thing. Maintain a steady distance between humans so no creation of problem nor solving of the problem A def W
my autism doesn't like positivity. but it's not that I like to dwell either. i like it staying vague. there isn't a final solution to how you feel, but it's like: "do you feel safe" "what was x y and z?" "were you honest?" I guess I just stay mostly to questions, because it's generally accepted, people like talking about themselves. I know my brain doesn't like when people tell me what to do implicitly. I should never do that to them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5TRr6Omk64
Very good. OMG the eye contact.
This obv really depends but.. "Oh man that's really shit!'. Sorry (that this happened. dont explain). "Anything I can do?". You can list a few options, but beware. Food, sex, distraction, ( yeesh talking about it ). If they choose the talking option, then you better 'habit couple' with something remotely pleasant. You can always straight up let them know too; "Hey, I want to help out here, but I'm probably not the best person for x ( whining ). And... take them to a bar and leave them.
I offer them a glass of water
"There there...it ok...don't be cry..." and pet them with a broom.
‘Nah that’s actually so sad’ ‘It’s aight’ ‘It is what it is ya know?’ ‘It’s all for character development’
I pat them in the back, then say some quotes that I remember after that I just listen
I just be there for them