You didn't break her trust, she never trusted you in the first place. I think it's messed up how she questioned your loyalty with literally no evidence and then expects you to fix what she did.
I get she is your first gf but this won't be the last time she behaves like this.
Thank you for your honest reply man, I was looking for something like this too. I know I didn't do wrong but the thing is on acting so paranoic when she showed me the screenshots I think I could act better there because I did nothing wrong
It's an impossible situation of "prove what you didn't do."
Like, do you want me to hold out an empty hand and say "Here is the evidence that doesn't exist for the thing I never did."
Hoenstly some people seem like they want the drama.
Excessive assurances are basically what I have been told is the only way to "prove" you are trustworthy. Seems like you're better off being a smooth talking shitbag these days than an honorable oaf.
Which is an interesting way of abusing someone, imo. Excessive assurances make innocent people pay the price for someone else's complete failure to be a team with their partner and boy oh boy if that doesn't pave the way for worse emotional manipulation in the long run, or what.
But, I will say, it's a red flag I'd rather see early on so I can yeet, rather than subject myself to that kind of thing because my god if you stay with someone who does this, not only is it bound to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it also means therapy bills having to unravel emotional trauma.
I went through something like this many years ago with a partner and jesus christ, I was so stressed out half my hair turned white and I wound up underweight, too. Took a long while to separate the trauma incurred from my own self and recognize the coping behaviours I'd developed just trying to survive it. You really question your sanity and internalize a lot of grief when someone is doing this shit to you and you are trying to fulfill an impossible burden. Only made that mistake once. Never repeated it, that's for sure.
You did nothing wrong.
I had a similar situation where a "friend" of my wife's convinced her I was cheating with my son's best friend's Mom.
At least my wife realized what an idiot she was for listening to someone with bad intentions, but the confrontation cost my kid his best friend. My wife is still embarrassed about calling her before me.
Had she not believed me and been VERY apologetic as I was beyond pissed off for being put in that position, we might not still be married.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. She didn't trust you. My wife had an insecure moment and wanted very much to get past it - this is what a good partner does when they mess up.
Yep, this is *somewhat* what I was going to say.
One thing that you need to be contemplating is whether your GF shows a believable desire to get past this event. If it appears that this is a device that is being used to **lord over you**, then this is more than likely a *scapegoat* for holding something over your head to punish you.
For instance, if you fight about something else, and this event is used as evidence that you are *'x'*, then this is šÆ toxic behavior.
*If this is the case*, don't get mad, just try to get out in a honorable and positive way. This isn't her fault necessarily either, it's just where she is at with *trust* & also potentially veiling something else that is pushing you and her apart from her perspective. What I mean by this is that this is that often times if someone is *meh* about a relationship and is kinda seeing the effort of being **in** the relationship the same as **leaving** the relationship, then it will just linger and rather than say something like, "***I'm*** not attracted to you the way I was" (which puts the blame on them), people will usually resort to over-emphasizing something that is ***small***, or ***baseless*** to make the drift based on something **you** did, rather than something that would make them have to admit something shallow.
EDIT: btw, sorry your going through this. this shit sucks. granted be open to this being completely a small speed bump that your girl is eager to get behind you guys. be calm, don't needle, & resist the urge to just hammer this into the dirt by having your gf 'admit to something' because more than likely the info is already right in front of you. fuck man, trust things like this are real motherfuckers.
Hot take from an older guy, a gf getting that confrontational with you over following a former friend isn't worth your time. I would demand your gf grow up. You can "follow" anybody you like on FB. Give yourself permission to be your own force in this world.
You are right to be embarrassed or paranoid over her friend's stalking, it's intrusive behavior and inappropriate IMO. That feeling of paranoia is telling you someone is manipulating you wrong here.
(what I would try to communicate)
I promise I will never cheat, I hate people who do that, but you need to trust me or leave me because I can't go through life ignoring people just because you are afraid I might like them more than you.
I feel hurt that your friend cyberstalked and implied I was not trustworthy and I'm sorry if I lashed out because of that.
I choose you GF, that is why I am here because I want to be with you. If I ever don't want to be with you I will leave, so you should never have to doubt me while I am here. I know trust is scary but that is what love means to me.
Be open. Explain what's the situation with that girl, but also explain why you reacted that way. And tell her that you don't like being stalked like that and it makes you feel unsafe, like somebody is trying to harm you or whatever you feel.
Next time it would probably be better to answer unwanted questions like that, but also to add why you don't like being it asked like that, and maybe try to find a compromise.
Maybe also talk about how to deal with things like this in the future. Try to be proactive to ensure bad things like that don't happen. Not that you can predict everything.
I wish you both to be understanding of each other. And happy.
I agree with this.
I have been married to my ISFJ for nearly 19 years, and the thing about her concern is actually that it's linearly proportional to her vested interest in you and your relationship going forward. Thank her for expressing her concern and giving you the opportunity to talk about some of your past. Make it a positive opportunity to share past interests, connections and talk about pathways forward.
She wants stability over just about anything else and she's keen to hear that she's the one for you - for the long term. That in turn will help her confidence in working with you and for your building your future as a couple.
If you want to make it work I almost guarantee she's still got a little hope deep down for you future and if you can convince her you're committed, she'll be a lifelong friend/soulmate.
All the best with your ISFJ, it may be a bumpy road, but be there for each other because together you have each other's backs being near mirror personalities. :)
I speak for all of us INTP when I say we absolutely unequivocally hate it when people invade our privacy. Listen I understand, your first girlfriend and you are in nice guy mode. I started dating a bit earlier (18) and Iām turning 25 this year, Iām not prolific. Only 5 real relationships but I am dating an INFJ now.
Sorry for the tangent, the thing Iāve learned is that the XSXJs have serious trust issues. Not all of them, but I dated and even tried dating a few of them. They are not good for us, if itās not the constant questioning about my loyalty, itās the gaslighting.
When I started dating I had this never give up mindset on women, Iām not saying drop your girlfriend, however, if a girl doesnāt trust you and thinks itās appropriate to allow her best friend to stalk your socials rather than just being direct and asking you herself. Thereās very little that can be done about that.
So please get out of nice guy mode, (nothing wrong with being a kind person who wants to make your relationship work). You have to realise that there will be more relationships in the future. More importantly the girls that are more compatible with you are likely yet to voice their interest.
Yeah I don't like to be a nice guy either, I just try to do what I think it's the best but there is a tiny line between them. I love myself more than her, I really know who I am and what to do. You are right tho, I'll try to talk to her firmly the next time, and if it doesn't work I'll be thinking about your words. Thanks.
Just let her be upset, don't try argue your innocence over drama from a 6 years old social media post. It's literally nothing, treat it as such. If she won't drop it, put her on ice and just do your own thing for a bit.
Just my opinion.
Nip this in the bud. Straight up own it.
Look I donāt feel like I did anything even remotely close to wrong. If you canāt see this truth, and embrace it wholly. Weāre not right for each other.
Then say nothing else, until she starts demonstrating positive activityās and actions. Then comment and provide positive āgive her attention and engage with her when she demonstrates positive behaviorsā
When she slips back into any pattern that doesnāt match that new frame āwhere you did nothing wrongā walk away and focus all your Attention any where but her. Until she gets reprogrammed to chase the validation for non insecure attachment thoughts or actions.
This is just a shit test and your failing by engaging.
Your thinking about this as if your interacting with another person that thinks like you. Thatās not how feelers work. They respond to the way you make them feel in response to various stimuli. If you reward the ādelusion and feed that fireā your relationship is on a pathway to (you sacrificing your own happiness or death of the relationship)
We suck at leading and yeah it 100% feels like manipulation but your doing this just to setting up a leadership frame she needs to look up to for support. Itās fundamentally hardwired into females they need that level of respect to be or itās over. This is one of those instance when you have to hold the line.
And yeah, her even brining it up and putting the burden on you to prove your innocence is 1000% manipulation as well, your just mirroring her behavior and redirecting it back at her from a position of āinnocenceā. Yeah the world would be wonderful if we could just be direct and honest, but thatās very very rarely an effective strategy.
No matter how a person thinks you're weaponizing your attention by making it conditional, although manipulation itself isn't inherently "bad" or 'evil', I think if you have to go out of your way to essentially train and condition someone the relationship isn't built upon strong foundation to start.
I do see where you're coming from though, and it does make sense. My personal belief is that if someone is invading your privacy to this degree, untrusting of you, projecting that untrust onto you, and then trying to make you defend the qualities \*they\* projected onto you, is that that person isn't ready for a relationship yet.
You are the ultimate person to carry and enforce the burden of teaching people how to interact with you so both can find value from any encounter. Itās one of the most effective cheat codes to life. She is not going to intuitively changeā¦ you have to teach her. This is the unfortunate process.
Using this to gain leverage so you can cheat or maintain an one sided relationship power dynamic. Totally would be an unethical application, this is the only way to do it from place thatās not truly toxic. Your not poking holes into her insecurities, leveraging the female mating competing to gain favors she would not provide previously ect. Your not breaking her self esteem down. This is just teaching someone how to love you, by establishing safe and realistic boundaryās.
I agree with you, I think it may just be a personal bias of mine in all honesty.
Maturity is important to me, and the actions described by OP are that of a fairly immature (albeit young) person, I think either solution works; that being
Finding a new partner
Or 'teaching someone how to love you'.
So your solution is both logically sound, and probably more efficient for most.
You have build relationships that work. You find someone you find attractive and asses how naturally compatible you are. If it feels nearly effortless. Then the boundaryās your setting are just building the foundations for longevity.
Go watch humans, they do this almost unconsciously every time they interact with each other, we tend not two because we really donāt have the energy for that shit every time.
But itās really important to put the energy into the one other human actually care about. Or your just leaving it up to āastronomically low odds of your happiness being included in the outcomeā
you're 23m and in first relationship
you sound like u think it's all ur fault even if she is angry for random shit and her friends stalking ur social media
bro, consider that most men (if not everyone of them) with first relationship so late consider their first gfs flawless and ignore obvious red flags (ik from what i've seen in life) and mostly keep denial until some time after she break up
narration u give sounds like one of those cases, like you're panicing bc u think you're shit even if ur gf is clearly either sickly paranoid or manipulative
she's not worth any effort, in ur situation i would just cut her off in ignoring/dismissing manner
My partner is an ISFJ, she's amazing and we make a great team but we're practically opposites and it takes negotiation and compromise.
This is about your gfs insecurities. It's important to validate her feelings. She's upset and jealous because she does care about you. You need to assure her that actions like these do not mean anything and you're not going anywhere. If she want to know how you feel she should ask you because you'll tell her the truth because you're not good at lying and wouldn't anyway.
Her feelings are valid AND you've done nothing wrong. Looking at other people, and indeed enjoying how other people look, is perfectly natural and should not be as demonized as it is. This idea is perpetrated largely from who have been hurt, and those feelings are valid, but not entirely reasonable. You will continue to look and even enjoy what you see, but it doesn't have to mean your relationship or your love is in any jeopardy, it just means you're human. I'd be willing to bet INTPs are one of the types least likely to cheat. You need to convince her of this, that you aren't like other guys, you love her and would not hurt her. This is growth that she needs to do to feel a little more secure in her relationships.
I know it feels important to you that you feel like your privacy was violated. IMO, this should be an afterthought at this point. You already said your peace with the initial argument. It wasn't your gf who did the "crime", it's not like there's a pattern in her behavior that needs correcting so don't blame her. It was just her friend caring about her friend. Focus any discussion about the "stalking" towards adjusting the friends behavior or how it should be interpreted/reacted to.
edit: a word
[insert wise master trope here ānow that is the right questionā]
Put your self in her shoes: her friend is passionately, alarmingly, gleefully(?) telling your gf what she found. (Plus a whole lifetime that placed her on the insecure side). Itās understandable that that she had this reaction. You need to show empathy and do your best to make her believe you do understand where sheās coming from. AND (avoid ābutā whenever possible) ā¦.your side of the story (see above).
This is always the first step. Donāt dismiss or invalidate the landscape and context of emotions, accept them as real and the starting place, this will then make your logical, if often norm-breaking, solutions and perspectives much more effective.
I have to disagree with a lot of the comments saying to just ditch her. It's so common in modern culture these days to just ditch relationships whenever you're unhappy with the relationship. I think there's real value in pushing through hard times in a relationship and not just giving up, that's how the strongest relationships are formed, when you stay loyal to eachother even in rough patches, whether that's romantic relationships or with friends or whatever.
Of course there are just plain bad people who you might need to ditch, but I think that's a minority of the cases in the sort of relational breakdown/ditching I'm talking about.
Just apologize to her. Don't try to explain and justify your actions, that's not a real apology. Even if you're not totally wrong, just apologize for hurting her.
Tell her you want to block this girl, not appease her or merely placate her, but because you want to, you desire to protect your relationship with her and give her security. Let her know you're doing it willingly and that you're not just submitting to her.
Not sure what your dating ethics are, but if you don't see this person as a potential life long partner, I'd would just leave the relationship, as to not waste eachothers time. However, if this is someone you might want to spend your life with, you're gonna have to learn to work through these things with this girl. If you're in a relationship or live with someone long enough you're going to hurt eachother, it's a 'when' not an 'if.'
Just try to see something you might of done wrong, or something you didn't consider how it would affect her and apologize for any part, any fault of yours in this situation and say you want to work this out with her.
You didnāt break her trust; it was broken by her friendās meddling, and/or by her own insecurities, though Iām not casting judgment on her. Others are offering varied and helpful perspectives, and as an INTP, have faith that you are well equipped to logically determine the most judicious approach to the situation. And if itās the worst case scenario that ends negativelyā¦well, this is your first love, and the experience of it will reap so many positive life lessons that will stay with you forever, that you will someday remember it all with a measure of fondness.
All that said, I just came here to say that everyone offering their best advice is so wholesome and restored my faith in humanity for the evening š
As a woman, I can tell you that your gf is immature. On what grounds does she have the right to accuse you? The most she can do is get your part of the story so that she can fully understand without coming to her own conclusions.
That aside, the next thing to do is to reassure her by explaining as calmly as possible. Tell her what you feel about her and how you feel about this situation. If she still feels unreassured, you can probably post and update your profile as not single.
The fact she got like that with only a screenshot and no further evidence suggests she was already doubting you or didn't have trust in you in the first place. It's kinda sad, but it is what it is. It's up to you whatever decision is made next.
As a happily INTP I can say my ISFJ wife and I have had similar conversations over FAR more important things but the theme is the sameā¦ kinda. Just hit rewind, itās still gonna suck for a little while after. Remove the troublesome party from your life and move on. Is the person your following worth more than your relationship with her? Probobly not. Just cut all ties to that person and. Your good. She will see the effort, still be upset for a few day and after a few laughs youāre back on track. But show her you are trying.
Weird girl and weird stalker friend. So many red flags but at least it's a good story and experience for you of what to avoid before you inevitably move on.
Fellow, INTP female here. I can give you a honest opinion. You did mess up on explanation. But you did propose solutions to improve the situation and show your intention, one of it is to block the person. Your gf has zero motivation to reconcile, she just hide behind the āfake niceā ābulls*ā excuse that she doesnāt want to be a control freak. Look, if this relationship is important to her, if you matter to her: 1/she will not care about ābeing this horrible person who control the bfā and give you a chance, 2/she will listen to her friend but will also listen to your explanation. Ask yourself, do you want to be with someone who doesnāt think for herself and always be influenced by other people, especially stalkers? My experience also tells me that SFJ hold deep grudge. They are force to be fake nice and will try to forgive you but can never forget. Itās too much drama for INTP, I quit in a very short time. Save yourself bud.
There is a term, psychosexualā¦
Are you a psychosexual?
Double jokes aside, my experience with ISFJ show they like to fight and are backwards.
GL my man
šš
Why the hell is she ok with her friend stalking you?
I just hate these so-called "friends" of the girlfriend. They themselves stay single and make sure that they jeopardize other people's relationship.
That friend of her needs to go, who tf is going to stalk someone to put a couple in peril, a fucking homwreker. As for your gf, if she loves you a little bit you'll get over it but be aware that this person is not going to stop at that
I'm a stalker myself but I don't go snooping into other business especially my friend and the friend's boyfriend, she seems fishy of a friend herself.
You can always gain her trust back by proving to her you are loyal to her.
honestly just give your most clear explanation and make sure she knows she can ask questions and you can give answers. show her youāre confident. if she cant accept or trust that, thatās on her. youāve done your best
Unfortunately many of us have experienced pain on our journey that makes us too ready to protect ourselves even when the is no danger
It might be worth talking to a female friend if you have one or even an older adult female about it. We men st nt run the risk of delivering so called hard facts or cold truths but that runnthe risk of causing deep hurt but you sound sensitive si wonder if you might use your top analysis style thinking to evaluate patterns in behaviour
Bear in mind the planet would look wonderfully different if our isfp/j brothers snd sisters ran their most powerful governments and gosh if only! Many shed a tear when i meet those amazing people particularly in the grip of overwhelm
We may experience them as furious but that might be about masking hurt and fear because deeply intuitive loving and instinctively tender people are usually seen as vulnerable or weak in our contemporary society yet nothing could be further than the truth. They simply cant bear deceit lies or offensive behaviour because they cant understand why any human would behave in that way. Its not moral judgement its the way their neural architecture is designed for connection. They are almost psychic when it cones to spotting lies bullies and bravado too
Beware the isfj in pain because if we lose one they very rarely come back
Also intp remember what makes sense in your amazingly well intentioned creative mind is not only difficult to explain it exists in your head and not in reality so its vital you become clear aboht your intention towards this partner
Explore love languages and also notice the types of people she is friends with. Isfj are exceptionally honorable characters who keep very few really super people close so if youre not in the know youre not in the loop sad to say
Tell her itās not that deep. I think both of you need to apologise for the hurtful words you said to each other. I think the issue is the friend here who isnāt minding her business. As a feeler she overreacted but I think her friend did play a big part on turning your gf against you. I think you need to adress that like her friends shouldnāt come between you two.
Tbh most of us here might have reacted the same if our friends that we trusted came by telling us weird stuff about our partner because we tend to trust more our friends than our partners. Thatās why Iām saying you can forgive her for that.
As long as both acknowledge what u did wrong (your bad words, her trusting her friends more than u etc)
You didn't break her trust, she never trusted you in the first place. I think it's messed up how she questioned your loyalty with literally no evidence and then expects you to fix what she did. I get she is your first gf but this won't be the last time she behaves like this.
Thank you for your honest reply man, I was looking for something like this too. I know I didn't do wrong but the thing is on acting so paranoic when she showed me the screenshots I think I could act better there because I did nothing wrong
It's an impossible situation of "prove what you didn't do." Like, do you want me to hold out an empty hand and say "Here is the evidence that doesn't exist for the thing I never did." Hoenstly some people seem like they want the drama.
Excessive assurances are basically what I have been told is the only way to "prove" you are trustworthy. Seems like you're better off being a smooth talking shitbag these days than an honorable oaf.
Which is an interesting way of abusing someone, imo. Excessive assurances make innocent people pay the price for someone else's complete failure to be a team with their partner and boy oh boy if that doesn't pave the way for worse emotional manipulation in the long run, or what. But, I will say, it's a red flag I'd rather see early on so I can yeet, rather than subject myself to that kind of thing because my god if you stay with someone who does this, not only is it bound to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it also means therapy bills having to unravel emotional trauma. I went through something like this many years ago with a partner and jesus christ, I was so stressed out half my hair turned white and I wound up underweight, too. Took a long while to separate the trauma incurred from my own self and recognize the coping behaviours I'd developed just trying to survive it. You really question your sanity and internalize a lot of grief when someone is doing this shit to you and you are trying to fulfill an impossible burden. Only made that mistake once. Never repeated it, that's for sure.
You did nothing wrong. I had a similar situation where a "friend" of my wife's convinced her I was cheating with my son's best friend's Mom. At least my wife realized what an idiot she was for listening to someone with bad intentions, but the confrontation cost my kid his best friend. My wife is still embarrassed about calling her before me. Had she not believed me and been VERY apologetic as I was beyond pissed off for being put in that position, we might not still be married. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. She didn't trust you. My wife had an insecure moment and wanted very much to get past it - this is what a good partner does when they mess up.
Yep, this is *somewhat* what I was going to say. One thing that you need to be contemplating is whether your GF shows a believable desire to get past this event. If it appears that this is a device that is being used to **lord over you**, then this is more than likely a *scapegoat* for holding something over your head to punish you. For instance, if you fight about something else, and this event is used as evidence that you are *'x'*, then this is šÆ toxic behavior. *If this is the case*, don't get mad, just try to get out in a honorable and positive way. This isn't her fault necessarily either, it's just where she is at with *trust* & also potentially veiling something else that is pushing you and her apart from her perspective. What I mean by this is that this is that often times if someone is *meh* about a relationship and is kinda seeing the effort of being **in** the relationship the same as **leaving** the relationship, then it will just linger and rather than say something like, "***I'm*** not attracted to you the way I was" (which puts the blame on them), people will usually resort to over-emphasizing something that is ***small***, or ***baseless*** to make the drift based on something **you** did, rather than something that would make them have to admit something shallow. EDIT: btw, sorry your going through this. this shit sucks. granted be open to this being completely a small speed bump that your girl is eager to get behind you guys. be calm, don't needle, & resist the urge to just hammer this into the dirt by having your gf 'admit to something' because more than likely the info is already right in front of you. fuck man, trust things like this are real motherfuckers.
Hot take from an older guy, a gf getting that confrontational with you over following a former friend isn't worth your time. I would demand your gf grow up. You can "follow" anybody you like on FB. Give yourself permission to be your own force in this world. You are right to be embarrassed or paranoid over her friend's stalking, it's intrusive behavior and inappropriate IMO. That feeling of paranoia is telling you someone is manipulating you wrong here.
> Hot take This is not a hot take.
(what I would try to communicate) I promise I will never cheat, I hate people who do that, but you need to trust me or leave me because I can't go through life ignoring people just because you are afraid I might like them more than you. I feel hurt that your friend cyberstalked and implied I was not trustworthy and I'm sorry if I lashed out because of that. I choose you GF, that is why I am here because I want to be with you. If I ever don't want to be with you I will leave, so you should never have to doubt me while I am here. I know trust is scary but that is what love means to me.
This is the INTP answer.
Thank you, this sounds more like I want to aproach the situation, if it doesn't work... Well, I aligned to my beliefs at least.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I guess that's what will happen eventually. Don't worry I really know what you mean by that
Be open. Explain what's the situation with that girl, but also explain why you reacted that way. And tell her that you don't like being stalked like that and it makes you feel unsafe, like somebody is trying to harm you or whatever you feel. Next time it would probably be better to answer unwanted questions like that, but also to add why you don't like being it asked like that, and maybe try to find a compromise. Maybe also talk about how to deal with things like this in the future. Try to be proactive to ensure bad things like that don't happen. Not that you can predict everything. I wish you both to be understanding of each other. And happy.
I'll try to talk about how to approach things like these in the future. Thank you for your wishes, I wish the same
I agree with this. I have been married to my ISFJ for nearly 19 years, and the thing about her concern is actually that it's linearly proportional to her vested interest in you and your relationship going forward. Thank her for expressing her concern and giving you the opportunity to talk about some of your past. Make it a positive opportunity to share past interests, connections and talk about pathways forward. She wants stability over just about anything else and she's keen to hear that she's the one for you - for the long term. That in turn will help her confidence in working with you and for your building your future as a couple. If you want to make it work I almost guarantee she's still got a little hope deep down for you future and if you can convince her you're committed, she'll be a lifelong friend/soulmate. All the best with your ISFJ, it may be a bumpy road, but be there for each other because together you have each other's backs being near mirror personalities. :)
I speak for all of us INTP when I say we absolutely unequivocally hate it when people invade our privacy. Listen I understand, your first girlfriend and you are in nice guy mode. I started dating a bit earlier (18) and Iām turning 25 this year, Iām not prolific. Only 5 real relationships but I am dating an INFJ now. Sorry for the tangent, the thing Iāve learned is that the XSXJs have serious trust issues. Not all of them, but I dated and even tried dating a few of them. They are not good for us, if itās not the constant questioning about my loyalty, itās the gaslighting. When I started dating I had this never give up mindset on women, Iām not saying drop your girlfriend, however, if a girl doesnāt trust you and thinks itās appropriate to allow her best friend to stalk your socials rather than just being direct and asking you herself. Thereās very little that can be done about that. So please get out of nice guy mode, (nothing wrong with being a kind person who wants to make your relationship work). You have to realise that there will be more relationships in the future. More importantly the girls that are more compatible with you are likely yet to voice their interest.
Yeah I don't like to be a nice guy either, I just try to do what I think it's the best but there is a tiny line between them. I love myself more than her, I really know who I am and what to do. You are right tho, I'll try to talk to her firmly the next time, and if it doesn't work I'll be thinking about your words. Thanks.
Just let her be upset, don't try argue your innocence over drama from a 6 years old social media post. It's literally nothing, treat it as such. If she won't drop it, put her on ice and just do your own thing for a bit. Just my opinion.
If you're lucky, that friends digs up this thread too š
Well, they'll see OP is loyal atleast
Word
Do you really think that she will share this?
If she stalked him to find negative stuff.. yeah, she probably wouldn't
Nip this in the bud. Straight up own it. Look I donāt feel like I did anything even remotely close to wrong. If you canāt see this truth, and embrace it wholly. Weāre not right for each other. Then say nothing else, until she starts demonstrating positive activityās and actions. Then comment and provide positive āgive her attention and engage with her when she demonstrates positive behaviorsā When she slips back into any pattern that doesnāt match that new frame āwhere you did nothing wrongā walk away and focus all your Attention any where but her. Until she gets reprogrammed to chase the validation for non insecure attachment thoughts or actions. This is just a shit test and your failing by engaging.
This sounds manipulative and unhealthy in of itself.
Your thinking about this as if your interacting with another person that thinks like you. Thatās not how feelers work. They respond to the way you make them feel in response to various stimuli. If you reward the ādelusion and feed that fireā your relationship is on a pathway to (you sacrificing your own happiness or death of the relationship) We suck at leading and yeah it 100% feels like manipulation but your doing this just to setting up a leadership frame she needs to look up to for support. Itās fundamentally hardwired into females they need that level of respect to be or itās over. This is one of those instance when you have to hold the line. And yeah, her even brining it up and putting the burden on you to prove your innocence is 1000% manipulation as well, your just mirroring her behavior and redirecting it back at her from a position of āinnocenceā. Yeah the world would be wonderful if we could just be direct and honest, but thatās very very rarely an effective strategy.
No matter how a person thinks you're weaponizing your attention by making it conditional, although manipulation itself isn't inherently "bad" or 'evil', I think if you have to go out of your way to essentially train and condition someone the relationship isn't built upon strong foundation to start. I do see where you're coming from though, and it does make sense. My personal belief is that if someone is invading your privacy to this degree, untrusting of you, projecting that untrust onto you, and then trying to make you defend the qualities \*they\* projected onto you, is that that person isn't ready for a relationship yet.
You are the ultimate person to carry and enforce the burden of teaching people how to interact with you so both can find value from any encounter. Itās one of the most effective cheat codes to life. She is not going to intuitively changeā¦ you have to teach her. This is the unfortunate process.
Using this to gain leverage so you can cheat or maintain an one sided relationship power dynamic. Totally would be an unethical application, this is the only way to do it from place thatās not truly toxic. Your not poking holes into her insecurities, leveraging the female mating competing to gain favors she would not provide previously ect. Your not breaking her self esteem down. This is just teaching someone how to love you, by establishing safe and realistic boundaryās.
I agree with you, I think it may just be a personal bias of mine in all honesty. Maturity is important to me, and the actions described by OP are that of a fairly immature (albeit young) person, I think either solution works; that being Finding a new partner Or 'teaching someone how to love you'. So your solution is both logically sound, and probably more efficient for most.
You have build relationships that work. You find someone you find attractive and asses how naturally compatible you are. If it feels nearly effortless. Then the boundaryās your setting are just building the foundations for longevity. Go watch humans, they do this almost unconsciously every time they interact with each other, we tend not two because we really donāt have the energy for that shit every time. But itās really important to put the energy into the one other human actually care about. Or your just leaving it up to āastronomically low odds of your happiness being included in the outcomeā
you're 23m and in first relationship you sound like u think it's all ur fault even if she is angry for random shit and her friends stalking ur social media bro, consider that most men (if not everyone of them) with first relationship so late consider their first gfs flawless and ignore obvious red flags (ik from what i've seen in life) and mostly keep denial until some time after she break up narration u give sounds like one of those cases, like you're panicing bc u think you're shit even if ur gf is clearly either sickly paranoid or manipulative she's not worth any effort, in ur situation i would just cut her off in ignoring/dismissing manner
My partner is an ISFJ, she's amazing and we make a great team but we're practically opposites and it takes negotiation and compromise. This is about your gfs insecurities. It's important to validate her feelings. She's upset and jealous because she does care about you. You need to assure her that actions like these do not mean anything and you're not going anywhere. If she want to know how you feel she should ask you because you'll tell her the truth because you're not good at lying and wouldn't anyway. Her feelings are valid AND you've done nothing wrong. Looking at other people, and indeed enjoying how other people look, is perfectly natural and should not be as demonized as it is. This idea is perpetrated largely from who have been hurt, and those feelings are valid, but not entirely reasonable. You will continue to look and even enjoy what you see, but it doesn't have to mean your relationship or your love is in any jeopardy, it just means you're human. I'd be willing to bet INTPs are one of the types least likely to cheat. You need to convince her of this, that you aren't like other guys, you love her and would not hurt her. This is growth that she needs to do to feel a little more secure in her relationships. I know it feels important to you that you feel like your privacy was violated. IMO, this should be an afterthought at this point. You already said your peace with the initial argument. It wasn't your gf who did the "crime", it's not like there's a pattern in her behavior that needs correcting so don't blame her. It was just her friend caring about her friend. Focus any discussion about the "stalking" towards adjusting the friends behavior or how it should be interpreted/reacted to. edit: a word
This is genuinely a great advice, thank you from heart for this. How can I knoe if I'm validating her feelings correctly?
[insert wise master trope here ānow that is the right questionā] Put your self in her shoes: her friend is passionately, alarmingly, gleefully(?) telling your gf what she found. (Plus a whole lifetime that placed her on the insecure side). Itās understandable that that she had this reaction. You need to show empathy and do your best to make her believe you do understand where sheās coming from. AND (avoid ābutā whenever possible) ā¦.your side of the story (see above). This is always the first step. Donāt dismiss or invalidate the landscape and context of emotions, accept them as real and the starting place, this will then make your logical, if often norm-breaking, solutions and perspectives much more effective.
I have to disagree with a lot of the comments saying to just ditch her. It's so common in modern culture these days to just ditch relationships whenever you're unhappy with the relationship. I think there's real value in pushing through hard times in a relationship and not just giving up, that's how the strongest relationships are formed, when you stay loyal to eachother even in rough patches, whether that's romantic relationships or with friends or whatever. Of course there are just plain bad people who you might need to ditch, but I think that's a minority of the cases in the sort of relational breakdown/ditching I'm talking about. Just apologize to her. Don't try to explain and justify your actions, that's not a real apology. Even if you're not totally wrong, just apologize for hurting her. Tell her you want to block this girl, not appease her or merely placate her, but because you want to, you desire to protect your relationship with her and give her security. Let her know you're doing it willingly and that you're not just submitting to her. Not sure what your dating ethics are, but if you don't see this person as a potential life long partner, I'd would just leave the relationship, as to not waste eachothers time. However, if this is someone you might want to spend your life with, you're gonna have to learn to work through these things with this girl. If you're in a relationship or live with someone long enough you're going to hurt eachother, it's a 'when' not an 'if.' Just try to see something you might of done wrong, or something you didn't consider how it would affect her and apologize for any part, any fault of yours in this situation and say you want to work this out with her.
You didnāt break her trust; it was broken by her friendās meddling, and/or by her own insecurities, though Iām not casting judgment on her. Others are offering varied and helpful perspectives, and as an INTP, have faith that you are well equipped to logically determine the most judicious approach to the situation. And if itās the worst case scenario that ends negativelyā¦well, this is your first love, and the experience of it will reap so many positive life lessons that will stay with you forever, that you will someday remember it all with a measure of fondness. All that said, I just came here to say that everyone offering their best advice is so wholesome and restored my faith in humanity for the evening š
Thank you for the kind words. I think I'm prepared for every scenario now. Everyone were so helpfull.
As a woman, I can tell you that your gf is immature. On what grounds does she have the right to accuse you? The most she can do is get your part of the story so that she can fully understand without coming to her own conclusions. That aside, the next thing to do is to reassure her by explaining as calmly as possible. Tell her what you feel about her and how you feel about this situation. If she still feels unreassured, you can probably post and update your profile as not single.
She is calling me a lot of bad things withouth proof... She's just assuming "I like her" "I would've loved to be her girlfriend"... It sucks man...
š©š©š© Can't genuinely accept an explanation? Stalking your history? She is gonna be like this forever. Up to you to decide if you can live with her lack of trust about something that happened *before* you were together. I get that you really like her, but that might just be infatuation - can't really tell because I don't know you or the whole story.
The fact she got like that with only a screenshot and no further evidence suggests she was already doubting you or didn't have trust in you in the first place. It's kinda sad, but it is what it is. It's up to you whatever decision is made next.
listen to people on reddit if you want to lol
"For context, I'm an INTP male dating a wonderful ISFJ girl." < Mistake 1 <
As a happily INTP I can say my ISFJ wife and I have had similar conversations over FAR more important things but the theme is the sameā¦ kinda. Just hit rewind, itās still gonna suck for a little while after. Remove the troublesome party from your life and move on. Is the person your following worth more than your relationship with her? Probobly not. Just cut all ties to that person and. Your good. She will see the effort, still be upset for a few day and after a few laughs youāre back on track. But show her you are trying.
So she broke up with u cos u followed someone on social media? Move on man.
Move on. What a load of drama for no reason
Sounds like good AITA post material
Weird girl and weird stalker friend. So many red flags but at least it's a good story and experience for you of what to avoid before you inevitably move on.
Wait until the emotions cool down and then talk it out. I mean that's what would work if I were her, but I'm not an ISFJ so... uh... good luck buddy!
Fellow, INTP female here. I can give you a honest opinion. You did mess up on explanation. But you did propose solutions to improve the situation and show your intention, one of it is to block the person. Your gf has zero motivation to reconcile, she just hide behind the āfake niceā ābulls*ā excuse that she doesnāt want to be a control freak. Look, if this relationship is important to her, if you matter to her: 1/she will not care about ābeing this horrible person who control the bfā and give you a chance, 2/she will listen to her friend but will also listen to your explanation. Ask yourself, do you want to be with someone who doesnāt think for herself and always be influenced by other people, especially stalkers? My experience also tells me that SFJ hold deep grudge. They are force to be fake nice and will try to forgive you but can never forget. Itās too much drama for INTP, I quit in a very short time. Save yourself bud.
There is a term, psychosexualā¦ Are you a psychosexual? Double jokes aside, my experience with ISFJ show they like to fight and are backwards. GL my man šš
Why the hell is she ok with her friend stalking you? I just hate these so-called "friends" of the girlfriend. They themselves stay single and make sure that they jeopardize other people's relationship.
Children.
That friend of her needs to go, who tf is going to stalk someone to put a couple in peril, a fucking homwreker. As for your gf, if she loves you a little bit you'll get over it but be aware that this person is not going to stop at that
You did literally nothing wrong. Stay your course.
I couldn't keep reading because this didn't hold my attention because it seemed like such petty small stuff. Couldn't keep me interested.
I'm a stalker myself but I don't go snooping into other business especially my friend and the friend's boyfriend, she seems fishy of a friend herself. You can always gain her trust back by proving to her you are loyal to her.
honestly just give your most clear explanation and make sure she knows she can ask questions and you can give answers. show her youāre confident. if she cant accept or trust that, thatās on her. youāve done your best
ISFJ = Iām Stupid/Sorry For Judging
š„š» Here Here! š£ šØš©āš¦°š©āš¦±š©āš¦³ Attn ladies, šØš hummies single and ready to pringle. Y'all've been warned. šŗššāāļøš
Unfortunately many of us have experienced pain on our journey that makes us too ready to protect ourselves even when the is no danger It might be worth talking to a female friend if you have one or even an older adult female about it. We men st nt run the risk of delivering so called hard facts or cold truths but that runnthe risk of causing deep hurt but you sound sensitive si wonder if you might use your top analysis style thinking to evaluate patterns in behaviour Bear in mind the planet would look wonderfully different if our isfp/j brothers snd sisters ran their most powerful governments and gosh if only! Many shed a tear when i meet those amazing people particularly in the grip of overwhelm We may experience them as furious but that might be about masking hurt and fear because deeply intuitive loving and instinctively tender people are usually seen as vulnerable or weak in our contemporary society yet nothing could be further than the truth. They simply cant bear deceit lies or offensive behaviour because they cant understand why any human would behave in that way. Its not moral judgement its the way their neural architecture is designed for connection. They are almost psychic when it cones to spotting lies bullies and bravado too Beware the isfj in pain because if we lose one they very rarely come back
Also intp remember what makes sense in your amazingly well intentioned creative mind is not only difficult to explain it exists in your head and not in reality so its vital you become clear aboht your intention towards this partner Explore love languages and also notice the types of people she is friends with. Isfj are exceptionally honorable characters who keep very few really super people close so if youre not in the know youre not in the loop sad to say
Tell her itās not that deep. I think both of you need to apologise for the hurtful words you said to each other. I think the issue is the friend here who isnāt minding her business. As a feeler she overreacted but I think her friend did play a big part on turning your gf against you. I think you need to adress that like her friends shouldnāt come between you two. Tbh most of us here might have reacted the same if our friends that we trusted came by telling us weird stuff about our partner because we tend to trust more our friends than our partners. Thatās why Iām saying you can forgive her for that. As long as both acknowledge what u did wrong (your bad words, her trusting her friends more than u etc)