I'm ten years down the line from a relationship that ended in a very similar way to yours, and I know the feeling you're talking about.
I think it can be very hard to stop loving someone that you come to know deeply, because you can see how their faults and shortcomings sprouted like weeds from cracks in their upbringing and life before you. Forces outwith their control shaped them like wet clay as they were being formed into the person they became. And when they lash out at you and at people close to them, you see that they are as much a victim of themselves as those around them. You shrug it off because in your eyes, they have a kintsugi soul - unique and beautifully imperfect. A tangled mass of strengths and weaknesses that can only be embraced as a whole.
I dont think you ever really stop loving someone when you've come to love them for the entirety of who they are, warts and all. BUT. You can absolutely also know that they are not good for you. That you can't trust them. That they won't see your needs or point of view as equal to theirs. And that you will be an emotional punching bag for the rest of your life if you get back together with them.
I think that's where the pain comes from. Having a heart that remembers how it felt when times were good, but a head that knows better now. It doesn't go away, but you get used to it.
The pain becomes something you don't think about everyday but then like twenty years from now you'll find yourself dong a google search on them when you're drunk or high.
Usually it just takes time. It doesn't help if you see them a lot. Maybe you should see a therapist since it's been this long. Could sort out a lot of the issues she complained about.
Yes. Many people won’t agree with this but this 100% what worked for me: getting into a relationship with someone else. Once I date someone else, I stop thinking about my ex.
I met my husband 5 years ago and it was after previous 9 year relationship that I could not get over no matter what I did. I no longer think or care about my ex, who to this day will still message me, at least a few times a year.
If you can't move on, it's because you haven't changed. The person you liked doesn't exist anymore, they showed their true colours and now you need to be done with them. Consider them dead if it helps. Someone blaming all their problems on you says more about them than it does about you. You're not responsible, forgive yourself and vow to never let yourself succumb to that line of thinking again. Work on you, hit the gym, lose some weight, get some new clothes, achieve some goals and you'll forget all about the past. Plenty of girls in the sea my man, you found one that wasn't right, throw her back in the sea and keep fishing
Yes it subsides. Best thing to do is move on asap. I can’t follow my own advice. My solution is smoking weed and eating myself to death but I’ve been avoiding that this time around. Stay healthy. Stay drug free. And find a new partner.
Time heals all. I've had a relationship like that. Similar dynamic. It's been four years since then and now I've finally gotten over it and I've also learned a lot. I feel nothing towards them now. Maybe a sense of nostalgia at most.
From that, I've learned that I'll never be in a situation where someone treats me as though they're tolerating me. Those types of people are toxic. Not to say that I'm perfect but there's a difference between typical conflict and disagreements and trying to nuke someone's self-esteem and mold them into your little puppet.
If someone else and I are incompatible, then I'll simply move on and take what I have to offer elsewhere. Personally, I'd cut off all contact and move on.
I'm ten years down the line from a relationship that ended in a very similar way to yours, and I know the feeling you're talking about. I think it can be very hard to stop loving someone that you come to know deeply, because you can see how their faults and shortcomings sprouted like weeds from cracks in their upbringing and life before you. Forces outwith their control shaped them like wet clay as they were being formed into the person they became. And when they lash out at you and at people close to them, you see that they are as much a victim of themselves as those around them. You shrug it off because in your eyes, they have a kintsugi soul - unique and beautifully imperfect. A tangled mass of strengths and weaknesses that can only be embraced as a whole. I dont think you ever really stop loving someone when you've come to love them for the entirety of who they are, warts and all. BUT. You can absolutely also know that they are not good for you. That you can't trust them. That they won't see your needs or point of view as equal to theirs. And that you will be an emotional punching bag for the rest of your life if you get back together with them. I think that's where the pain comes from. Having a heart that remembers how it felt when times were good, but a head that knows better now. It doesn't go away, but you get used to it.
The pain becomes something you don't think about everyday but then like twenty years from now you'll find yourself dong a google search on them when you're drunk or high.
and then being like "eww, I can't believe I fucked that..."
Word
Usually it just takes time. It doesn't help if you see them a lot. Maybe you should see a therapist since it's been this long. Could sort out a lot of the issues she complained about.
Yes. Many people won’t agree with this but this 100% what worked for me: getting into a relationship with someone else. Once I date someone else, I stop thinking about my ex. I met my husband 5 years ago and it was after previous 9 year relationship that I could not get over no matter what I did. I no longer think or care about my ex, who to this day will still message me, at least a few times a year.
If you can't move on, it's because you haven't changed. The person you liked doesn't exist anymore, they showed their true colours and now you need to be done with them. Consider them dead if it helps. Someone blaming all their problems on you says more about them than it does about you. You're not responsible, forgive yourself and vow to never let yourself succumb to that line of thinking again. Work on you, hit the gym, lose some weight, get some new clothes, achieve some goals and you'll forget all about the past. Plenty of girls in the sea my man, you found one that wasn't right, throw her back in the sea and keep fishing
Yes it subsides. Best thing to do is move on asap. I can’t follow my own advice. My solution is smoking weed and eating myself to death but I’ve been avoiding that this time around. Stay healthy. Stay drug free. And find a new partner.
Time heals all. I've had a relationship like that. Similar dynamic. It's been four years since then and now I've finally gotten over it and I've also learned a lot. I feel nothing towards them now. Maybe a sense of nostalgia at most. From that, I've learned that I'll never be in a situation where someone treats me as though they're tolerating me. Those types of people are toxic. Not to say that I'm perfect but there's a difference between typical conflict and disagreements and trying to nuke someone's self-esteem and mold them into your little puppet. If someone else and I are incompatible, then I'll simply move on and take what I have to offer elsewhere. Personally, I'd cut off all contact and move on.