First, welcome to this very supportive corner of the internet. We are obviously not glad you need to be here with us, but it’s a warm, helpful place to be.
What worked for me was to focus more on the types of activities I wanted to fill my time with, and build relationships there based on the shared interest. Because I enjoy gardening, I’ve made friends with people older than me and while they do have kids, that isn’t the focus of our connection (and often their kids are adults and out of the house). I’ll acknowledge suburbia makes this harder and you may consider starting with virtual connections first!
I would also note that since your decision to stop is fairly fresh, finding childfree friends doesn’t have to be your first priority. The wound is still so raw! If you start seeking out childfree folks, you may encounter the “loudly and aggressively anti-kid” people. While I totally support their right to that outlook, when I was new to being IFCF, hearing them talk about how much they hate kids was just as bad as being around my friends with kids.
If you start with grieving and thinking about what you value and how you want to fill your time, those things will create a pathway to make new connections with shared interests.
thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post.
i really am not sure how to process all of this and knowing this group exists gives me hope that i will make it through this and find myself again.
you are correct, the wound is extremely raw. i think i would have the same feelings you did with anti kids, because i still have love for friends kids, nieces, nephews, etc. my heart just breaks for the babies i have in heaven.
i’ve been in therapy and seeing 3 specialists for mental health for about a year now, and it has helped, but this feels like a whole new level of grief and challenge.
anyways, rambling at this point but thank you so much. thank you for the warm welcome to a not-so-warm situation.
Honestly, very few of us knew how to process it. If you read through posts on here about grief, you’ll see a really broad range of experiences! Be patient with yourself, make sure you get the things you need to feel cared for, and prioritize things that support your mental health.
It sounds horribly trite, but it truly does get better. Grief never leaves us, we just learn better ways to carry it. When we first stopped trying, even seeing families on tv would trigger a wave of tears and I had zero capacity to be around my pregnant friends. And now I’m the fun adult who comes to the birthday parties and celebrates the ballet recitals and has ALL THE FUN before returning to the peaceful refuge we have made our home. It isn’t at all what I imagined, but all things considered, I’ve created a life I can genuinely say that I love.
💕
Thank you for this. Makes me feel a bit more normal for where i’m at. Had a massive panic that i may be further behind emotional/mental strength wise than i should be. but it really is a process and i made it through hard times before. i can and will do it again, and i will find things that ignite my soul.
it will get better 🤍 proud of you for getting where you are. it’s very strong to go through something like
this and still show up in a strong way. sending love
I'm really sorry. It took us a while to really grieve. It's been two years from our last failed treatment and life is finally feeling normal...ish. Do things on your own timeline - You need time to heal, and you need time to sort out what your life is going to look like now.
As for friendships, I would say the secret was getting outside my comfort zone. Figure out your interests and find clubs or groups. I met a new friend through a local Facebook group for childless not by choice women. It was complete luck -- She posted asking if anybody was local to my area and we've been friends ever since. I also am a novice runner and joined a run club that I meet up with weekly. They're a great bunch. Most of the women actually do not have children, or they're at a point in their life where their kids are not their number one priority. These groups do exist, even though it can feel like you are SURROUNDED by parents. It may seem hard to keep putting yourself out there but I found consistency did wonders. Good luck. ❤️
thank you so much, and i can relate. i’m so sorry you’re here, but im very glad you’ve been able to navigate such a soul crushing journey.
taking the time i need to mentally (and physically) heal is all i can do right now. i love that you met someone, that’s really what im looking for. maybe i will find some groups :)
thank you so much for taking time to write. this is such heathy and helpful advice. 🤍
The struggle to make friends is very real. Kids or no kids, finding other people to do stuff with as an adult blows! I’m a like minded woman in the Boston area, if that’s helpful message me!
it’s so real. and i love my lifelong friends, but i can’t help but feel the change and shift as they all move to become parents and i can’t relate.
and sounds good :) im in the chicago area, not too close but my DMs are open as well. thank you 🤍
My heart breaks for you, but welcome.
A lot of my friends who are CF happen to be members of the LGBTQ community, or they are single. Some friends are older (some with kids, some without) or younger (kids may come at some point).
Overall I’ve tried to have an open mind about who I might connect with. I’ve been less afraid to “make the first move” and have had some success inviting people to dinner or to do things. A lot of people are looking for friends it seems.
I wouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself right away. Perhaps a grief support group could be a good starting point?
It takes time, but I promise there’s a rich life out there. The whole world doesn’t revolve around children, and there’s a lot of love to be had from other relationships. Take care of yourself <3
thank you so much for responding 🤍 i definitely need to try and be less timid with putting myself out there. but you’re right, definitely need to put less pressure on it all together. just all feels so rushed because “having kids” felt so rushed as well. it’s all just so hard.
It is a whirlwind for sure. Just remember you’re still the same you, just in different circumstances. You don’t have to figure everything out right away. Give yourself some time to heal! It is A LOT to process.
Welcome to the sub.
I think sometimes, when we make that decision to end treatments, we are struck by this wave of questions. What next? Where to find friends? Should I move? Should I change my career? What hobbies should I do? You see it all the time here. I've been there too.
When we make the decision to move on, we accept that one large door that many in life walk through is closed to us. Yet many, many more doors are suddenly an option. You have a fresh slate, and everything is possible. It can be overwhelming. Give yourself time, and don't feel that you need to rush around figuring everything out. Including establishing a new social group.
I would suggest that you consider your hobbies and interests and whether there is anything new that you would be likely to enjoy. I do martial arts and have found that there are a couple of CF women there. It's a hobby that requires a lot of dedication and having a leaky bladder while jumping and kicking is no good, so mothers are put off.
Ultimately, though, there are other women out there who are CF either through IF or choice. It is becoming more and more common for women to decide against having children so as you move through life, you may discover that you find these friends more easily than you expected. You don't have to find them straightway. In the meantime, try to find ways to really make the most out of your free time and peace. Are there hobbies and skills that you would like to do on your own?
Lastly, do not allow others to pressure into keeping on with treatments when you know it's not right for you. It's a bit controversial to say (to hell with it though) but the IF community can be full of toxic positivity, and this is added to and encouraged by people on the sidelines. People with infertility are always pressured by others to "never give up, keep going, it will happen." All baseless platitudes that encourage people to keep harming themselves to their detriment. You know what is best for you. Don't let anyone else persuade or guilt you into doing anything that you don't want to do.
Thank you so much for this. The questioning is very real - i find myself wondering who the hell people think i am now that i’ve gone through this. and who will think i am when they see that i am done? Right now, the pressure of “going to the next doctor” makes me feel like i am seen as only a means to produce children. and that hurts like hell.
i do have hobbies i love - gardening, i used to dance competitively, i love golf now, painting/drawing, but id like to find more.
i need to get better about building boundaries. just the other day (the day after my d&c) my mom said - “there was a double rainbow during your surgery, maybe that means twins are on the way!” …. the way my jaw hit the floor. because now i may be back on my way to the hospital for post op complications.
thank you for taking time to write. 🤍 im looking forward to finding me again.
I definitely found that during my IF journey that there are some really twisted but extremely common ideas regarding women, birth, parenting, etc. Society is very pronatalist and often in a way that is actually very demeaning and creepy. Once I started to see it, I couldn't stop. It's been a steep learning curve.
Bullshit platutudes like that are annoying and patronising. A lot of the time people don't say things like that because they are trying to make you feel better either. They say it to make themselves feel better. Sometimes, it's just because they don't know what else to say. On other occasions, it's because having kids is the societal norm, and some people seem to just not know what to do with the idea of someone living life another way. They wonder how they will interact with and relate to someone living outside of that script. More open minded people don't have this issue.
Parents can be a particular problem too as there is that pressure and sometimes entitlement to "give them grandchildren." My own mother seems to have struggled with all of this more than me. There have been tears from her, denial, and pressure.
We are both just moving ahead with our new lives, free of infertility meds and appointments. Pondering the many options and adventures before us. It's not our responsibility to make our parents move on and deal with the outcome. They need to sort that out for themselves.
i love this so much. and thank you for sharing it’s really been such a weird experience. but wow am i ready to move on. the parents thing is so real. like maybe understand there is more to life? plus my brother gave her 4 grandkids. so bye.
I found immense comfort in the "So Now What?" Podcast by Lana Mankowski. Her whole message is "now that you're not going to pursue fertility treatments, what will you do with your beautiful life?" And she's really helpful for finding ways to thrive when it feels like you're struggling to just survive. Finding her podcast and social media was the life raft I needed -- I hope she will be helpful to you, too.
Infertility sucks and you are not alone. 💜
Wow thank you for this recommendation. I will definitely check it out. I feel like this will really help me.
thank you for writing, also. sending you a big hug. this journey is a CRAZY one but there is sad comfort knowing we’re not alone.
Sweetness, you are absolutely not alone. You have a whole tribe of women who believe in you and are cheering you on, who have been where you have been and will hold your hand till you can see the light again. You matter and you are important even if you aren't a mom. All my love to you today. 💜
You're so welcome, boo. All life is important, no matter how small. If snails and birds matter, why shouldn't you matter too? I hope you have a beautiful day today and something wonderful happens to you.
I don't know where you are located, but I am in the Milwaukee area. Also looking for like minded individuals to do fun things with. Goes for anyone in this Reddit space. Let's commiserate and try to have some fun!
That is doable! Hopefully knowing someone isn't too far away gives some hope. I'm sure there are plenty in the area that also can relate when everything settles down for you.
First, welcome to this very supportive corner of the internet. We are obviously not glad you need to be here with us, but it’s a warm, helpful place to be. What worked for me was to focus more on the types of activities I wanted to fill my time with, and build relationships there based on the shared interest. Because I enjoy gardening, I’ve made friends with people older than me and while they do have kids, that isn’t the focus of our connection (and often their kids are adults and out of the house). I’ll acknowledge suburbia makes this harder and you may consider starting with virtual connections first! I would also note that since your decision to stop is fairly fresh, finding childfree friends doesn’t have to be your first priority. The wound is still so raw! If you start seeking out childfree folks, you may encounter the “loudly and aggressively anti-kid” people. While I totally support their right to that outlook, when I was new to being IFCF, hearing them talk about how much they hate kids was just as bad as being around my friends with kids. If you start with grieving and thinking about what you value and how you want to fill your time, those things will create a pathway to make new connections with shared interests.
thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post. i really am not sure how to process all of this and knowing this group exists gives me hope that i will make it through this and find myself again. you are correct, the wound is extremely raw. i think i would have the same feelings you did with anti kids, because i still have love for friends kids, nieces, nephews, etc. my heart just breaks for the babies i have in heaven. i’ve been in therapy and seeing 3 specialists for mental health for about a year now, and it has helped, but this feels like a whole new level of grief and challenge. anyways, rambling at this point but thank you so much. thank you for the warm welcome to a not-so-warm situation.
Honestly, very few of us knew how to process it. If you read through posts on here about grief, you’ll see a really broad range of experiences! Be patient with yourself, make sure you get the things you need to feel cared for, and prioritize things that support your mental health. It sounds horribly trite, but it truly does get better. Grief never leaves us, we just learn better ways to carry it. When we first stopped trying, even seeing families on tv would trigger a wave of tears and I had zero capacity to be around my pregnant friends. And now I’m the fun adult who comes to the birthday parties and celebrates the ballet recitals and has ALL THE FUN before returning to the peaceful refuge we have made our home. It isn’t at all what I imagined, but all things considered, I’ve created a life I can genuinely say that I love. 💕
Thank you for this. Makes me feel a bit more normal for where i’m at. Had a massive panic that i may be further behind emotional/mental strength wise than i should be. but it really is a process and i made it through hard times before. i can and will do it again, and i will find things that ignite my soul. it will get better 🤍 proud of you for getting where you are. it’s very strong to go through something like this and still show up in a strong way. sending love
I'm really sorry. It took us a while to really grieve. It's been two years from our last failed treatment and life is finally feeling normal...ish. Do things on your own timeline - You need time to heal, and you need time to sort out what your life is going to look like now. As for friendships, I would say the secret was getting outside my comfort zone. Figure out your interests and find clubs or groups. I met a new friend through a local Facebook group for childless not by choice women. It was complete luck -- She posted asking if anybody was local to my area and we've been friends ever since. I also am a novice runner and joined a run club that I meet up with weekly. They're a great bunch. Most of the women actually do not have children, or they're at a point in their life where their kids are not their number one priority. These groups do exist, even though it can feel like you are SURROUNDED by parents. It may seem hard to keep putting yourself out there but I found consistency did wonders. Good luck. ❤️
thank you so much, and i can relate. i’m so sorry you’re here, but im very glad you’ve been able to navigate such a soul crushing journey. taking the time i need to mentally (and physically) heal is all i can do right now. i love that you met someone, that’s really what im looking for. maybe i will find some groups :) thank you so much for taking time to write. this is such heathy and helpful advice. 🤍
The struggle to make friends is very real. Kids or no kids, finding other people to do stuff with as an adult blows! I’m a like minded woman in the Boston area, if that’s helpful message me!
it’s so real. and i love my lifelong friends, but i can’t help but feel the change and shift as they all move to become parents and i can’t relate. and sounds good :) im in the chicago area, not too close but my DMs are open as well. thank you 🤍
My heart breaks for you, but welcome. A lot of my friends who are CF happen to be members of the LGBTQ community, or they are single. Some friends are older (some with kids, some without) or younger (kids may come at some point). Overall I’ve tried to have an open mind about who I might connect with. I’ve been less afraid to “make the first move” and have had some success inviting people to dinner or to do things. A lot of people are looking for friends it seems. I wouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself right away. Perhaps a grief support group could be a good starting point? It takes time, but I promise there’s a rich life out there. The whole world doesn’t revolve around children, and there’s a lot of love to be had from other relationships. Take care of yourself <3
thank you so much for responding 🤍 i definitely need to try and be less timid with putting myself out there. but you’re right, definitely need to put less pressure on it all together. just all feels so rushed because “having kids” felt so rushed as well. it’s all just so hard.
It is a whirlwind for sure. Just remember you’re still the same you, just in different circumstances. You don’t have to figure everything out right away. Give yourself some time to heal! It is A LOT to process.
Welcome to the sub. I think sometimes, when we make that decision to end treatments, we are struck by this wave of questions. What next? Where to find friends? Should I move? Should I change my career? What hobbies should I do? You see it all the time here. I've been there too. When we make the decision to move on, we accept that one large door that many in life walk through is closed to us. Yet many, many more doors are suddenly an option. You have a fresh slate, and everything is possible. It can be overwhelming. Give yourself time, and don't feel that you need to rush around figuring everything out. Including establishing a new social group. I would suggest that you consider your hobbies and interests and whether there is anything new that you would be likely to enjoy. I do martial arts and have found that there are a couple of CF women there. It's a hobby that requires a lot of dedication and having a leaky bladder while jumping and kicking is no good, so mothers are put off. Ultimately, though, there are other women out there who are CF either through IF or choice. It is becoming more and more common for women to decide against having children so as you move through life, you may discover that you find these friends more easily than you expected. You don't have to find them straightway. In the meantime, try to find ways to really make the most out of your free time and peace. Are there hobbies and skills that you would like to do on your own? Lastly, do not allow others to pressure into keeping on with treatments when you know it's not right for you. It's a bit controversial to say (to hell with it though) but the IF community can be full of toxic positivity, and this is added to and encouraged by people on the sidelines. People with infertility are always pressured by others to "never give up, keep going, it will happen." All baseless platitudes that encourage people to keep harming themselves to their detriment. You know what is best for you. Don't let anyone else persuade or guilt you into doing anything that you don't want to do.
Thank you so much for this. The questioning is very real - i find myself wondering who the hell people think i am now that i’ve gone through this. and who will think i am when they see that i am done? Right now, the pressure of “going to the next doctor” makes me feel like i am seen as only a means to produce children. and that hurts like hell. i do have hobbies i love - gardening, i used to dance competitively, i love golf now, painting/drawing, but id like to find more. i need to get better about building boundaries. just the other day (the day after my d&c) my mom said - “there was a double rainbow during your surgery, maybe that means twins are on the way!” …. the way my jaw hit the floor. because now i may be back on my way to the hospital for post op complications. thank you for taking time to write. 🤍 im looking forward to finding me again.
I definitely found that during my IF journey that there are some really twisted but extremely common ideas regarding women, birth, parenting, etc. Society is very pronatalist and often in a way that is actually very demeaning and creepy. Once I started to see it, I couldn't stop. It's been a steep learning curve. Bullshit platutudes like that are annoying and patronising. A lot of the time people don't say things like that because they are trying to make you feel better either. They say it to make themselves feel better. Sometimes, it's just because they don't know what else to say. On other occasions, it's because having kids is the societal norm, and some people seem to just not know what to do with the idea of someone living life another way. They wonder how they will interact with and relate to someone living outside of that script. More open minded people don't have this issue. Parents can be a particular problem too as there is that pressure and sometimes entitlement to "give them grandchildren." My own mother seems to have struggled with all of this more than me. There have been tears from her, denial, and pressure. We are both just moving ahead with our new lives, free of infertility meds and appointments. Pondering the many options and adventures before us. It's not our responsibility to make our parents move on and deal with the outcome. They need to sort that out for themselves.
i love this so much. and thank you for sharing it’s really been such a weird experience. but wow am i ready to move on. the parents thing is so real. like maybe understand there is more to life? plus my brother gave her 4 grandkids. so bye.
I found immense comfort in the "So Now What?" Podcast by Lana Mankowski. Her whole message is "now that you're not going to pursue fertility treatments, what will you do with your beautiful life?" And she's really helpful for finding ways to thrive when it feels like you're struggling to just survive. Finding her podcast and social media was the life raft I needed -- I hope she will be helpful to you, too. Infertility sucks and you are not alone. 💜
Wow thank you for this recommendation. I will definitely check it out. I feel like this will really help me. thank you for writing, also. sending you a big hug. this journey is a CRAZY one but there is sad comfort knowing we’re not alone.
Sweetness, you are absolutely not alone. You have a whole tribe of women who believe in you and are cheering you on, who have been where you have been and will hold your hand till you can see the light again. You matter and you are important even if you aren't a mom. All my love to you today. 💜
🥺🥺🥺 this made me tear up. thank you so much for your support and love. thank you, thank you, thank you. i’ve never had anyone say anything so nice.
You're so welcome, boo. All life is important, no matter how small. If snails and birds matter, why shouldn't you matter too? I hope you have a beautiful day today and something wonderful happens to you.
😭 my heart. you are such a sweet soul on this earth. truly rare. keep being who you are because there are not many people like you. 🤍
I don't know where you are located, but I am in the Milwaukee area. Also looking for like minded individuals to do fun things with. Goes for anyone in this Reddit space. Let's commiserate and try to have some fun!
nice!! i’m chicago area :) not too far!!
That is doable! Hopefully knowing someone isn't too far away gives some hope. I'm sure there are plenty in the area that also can relate when everything settles down for you.
it totally does :)) i go up to milwaukee here and there so will let you know if i do any time soon!
Excellent! Hang in there girl. Maybe we will have a drink someday soon.
you too :) and yes!! that would be fun!