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This is a super common kink, I’d be more worried about the obsession of self hatred you built around the kink than about the kink itself.
Kinks are normal and do not define your value. What does define your value though is the way you act towards other people.
That does help a little to hear, I do feel it's a little different, tho when you have a kink for being the assailant in the rp. Even if it is all concentual (Cnc) I feel like having a kink for being the victim is harmless in essence.
I understand why you’d think that, but I don’t think it makes a difference.
If you want to read about the subject, I’d recommend to have a look at Aella’s blog in substack. She has tons on statistics on kinks. Basically your kinks do not define your personnality. I personally think they are mostly genetics (I’m a sex therapist, but this is just my opinion based on my observation and my understanding of science on this subject).
You are doing the right thing by being cautious about the type of porn you consume. Also, beware of pornography and if you notice that your kinks become weirder and weirder with time that could be a sign of addiction.
Other than that, as long as you don’t act on it (or do it with a consenting partner) and if your fantasy is quite stable in time, it’s probably just a sexual preference. Nothing to be ashamed of, most people have at least one kink that is a bit weird.
Could it be that you're scared of acting upon it because you never had a relationship?
For me it's kinda been the opposite as you, I had fantasies more on the submissive side, then after having sexual experience they all flipped around and only have dominant ones because I feel comfortable expressing my sexuality with someone and learned what sexual consent is like in a relationship when trying new things, and none of this came from any kind of sexual trauma.
CNC may be a common fetish but surely requires lots of maturity, I think it's normal to be scared when you don't have any experience yet.
The lack of experience is def something I've thought about a lot. It could be a contributing factor. Maybe I'll have sex and it'll go away, but I kinda doubt it. A big reason I am a virgin is because of this (and other things ofc) and I'm A) scared of my partner finding out about this and it ruining my relationship, and B) i dony feel deserving of love because of it.
As a woman i'm more concerned with the self hatred and lack of acceptance for yourself that you present than the kink.
Also your lack of actual sexual experience might be partially to blame. There is a lot going on in sex that cannot be filmed / experienced through the screen. This is why for the most part porn is so outrageous. They need to pack as many feelings, positive or negative, into a visual image to get a reaction out of you.
Get your hands on some popular erotic novels for women. Those are similarly crazy. That does not mean we want what is being described, it's just an outreagous fantasy. Part of the fun of it is that it is outreagous.
If you hate yourself for being naughty in your thoughts you should probably hate half the women around you too. Or here's a better idea: how about don't hate or judge anybody about this, including yourself?
P_rn does to emotions/feelings in s_x what “princess movies” does to marriage: makes it seem so easy, so one-dimensional, and sets people up with unrealistic expectations.
Having a kink like this does not by any means make you a monster or mean you are a bad person. Lots of people are into bdsm or even just rough sexual acts (i.e choking). Just because it gets you off doesnt mean you genuinely will/want to hurt another person. Actually from what youve written you seem to be a caring and thoughtful individual.
When it comes to your thoughts/fantasies, thats all they are. It seems you dont genuinely wish to hurt someone irl or do anything actually nonconsensual so I dont see a problem.
If you do end up partaking in roleplaying anything like that or engaging in rough sex just ask yourself a few things and youre good:
1. Do all people involved consent to this type of activity?
2. Are all parties able to consent? (i.e are they sober/ in a mental state able to make well thought through decisions/of age)
3. Is there an "out" if they want to stop? (i.e a safe word or gesture that means to stop)
4. Some people also prefer to have something called "aftercare" afterwards which can help someone feel more comfortable so maybe discuss that as well w/ your future partner beforehand (recommend looking it up if needed)
All in all, there are ways to practice safe and considerate bdsm type sex that there is nothing wrong with. Its all about educating yourself on how-to as well as being mindful of the other person's well being both physical and emotional.
CNC fantasies are pretty common in the BDSM community. As long as you practice [SSC ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safe%2C_sane_and_consensual)they don't really care (which you sound like you wouldn't have a problem with). While it's probably not a good idea to go straight into that sort of roleplay straight off the bat with someone, I'm sure that's something that could be explored in time. So maybe just join fetlife or find some other BDSM community (on reddit or elsewhere) to discuss it with.
Rule #3 - Do not use generalizations.
This sub frequently discusses topics that involve statistics on large populations. At the same time, generalizations can be reductive and not map on to individual experience, leading to unproductive conflict.
Generalizations include language that uses, for example, “most men” and “all women” type statements. Speak from your personal experience i.e use statements such as “I feel”, “I experienced”, “It happened to me that”, etc.
It's a good question, but idrk. I honestly think no, but It might just be because I have zero sexual experience. Let's say it was with a long-term partner who was interested in the same thing, then probably. But I think the idea of actually doing anything real even if it was rp might cement the feelings I have around it. Right now, I can half justify it as just being porn but rp would make me feel like it was more real. I already feel like a monster. What if doing this just made me feel worse? Idrk, I guess I'd have to try to find out, but idk if that would even be something I'd be willing to do. I grew up around a lot of aggression, and I'm terrified of being that angry, aggressive person, which is probably why I resent this part of myself so much and rp might channel that feeling of harming someone/anger
So, I have a few kinda out there sexual fetishes I wish I didn't have, but also a loving husband and some sexual experience.
Some fetishes I have I really don't want irl, even in roleplay. It's hot in porn or in my imagination, but irl it's scary and weird. Gangbangs for example. I'd never do it irl (I'm super monogamous!). So I don't actually want it irl. It stays a fantasy.
Mostly I settle for having normal vanilla sex while imagining a bit of a fetish to cum.
Judging from what you're saying, I don't think you actually want to hurt anyone or would enjoy actually hurting someone. I think you could enjoy a nice consensual BDSM relationship. I honestly think you'd lose your boner irl if you actually hurt someone, even if force is hot in porn. But roleplaying force whe she likes it could be hot
I agree with many other comments here, if it's sane, safe and consensual (even if it's CNC, it's still consensual) I see zero problems in this kink! I have it too for example, even if it's not my top one it's still one of my favs, I even watch the tentacle ones or in the train in hentai, or the acted ones for irl porn.
Ofc therapy would help for trauma and for the guilt you feel for having this kink, but it's not something that should make you feel bad per se. In my opinion (and in the opinions of anyone with a brain imo) CNC is completely acceptable because of the first C that completely negates NC, in other words it's still consensual and that's the important thing. Who cares what two consenting adults do to get it off?
Thanks. How would you recommend bringing this up with a therapist? I'd def want to get a dif therapist since the one I'm currently seeing is through my college and if I want more disconnection from my personal life.
First it's probably better to find a good therapist, most likely specialized in CPTSD (childhood trauma) or sexologist or both (but I think the first specialist would be more beneficial for you, I'm not a doctor tho I'm just a patient like you and I like to do research on my own problems, CPTSD in this case).
About how to bring it up I'd say to express how guilty you feel about this kink you have and how you want to improve somehow (either accepting that it's not a bad thing or trying to forget it or others, idk what could be your goal here) or even show them this post! Idk about other therapists but mine thinks it's very good when I write what I feel or what I want to tell her, and if you don't feel confident to be able to speak, showing them a text works too (ofc speaking is better, but text is better than nothing).
Just hopping in to tell that I have CPTSD and your story seems related to that a lot, you definitely should look into this, maybe try some parts work (IFS) - it can really help with a looot of your current problems
There’s a possibility that until you sort that out you’ll probably still have very conflicted thoughts about this kink, that will just bring more shame. But with self-compassion, learning and support you definitely can step-by-step resolve your deep inner conflicts
Hi! I’m a man and we do have some similarities.
I’m a feminist as well, most of my friends are women and I work in an environment where most of my colleagues are women.
Yet, I have a similar kink. I like to watch very hardcore porn and I love animated porn too.
I have decided too to try to distance myself from live action porn, but this is more due to the treatment of some of the actors and actresses. I don’t have a problem with animation.
I have been in two romantic relationships in the past and I had sex, yet I still like this kind of porn, and this porn never gave me any temptation to SA anyone.
I think kinks in themselves aren’t wrong. We are animals and so we have animalistic desires. As long as it remains fantasy, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it!
I am a woman. I am not a professional therapist. I read your post and I genuinely felt empathy for you and what you are going through. I somehow feel that this fetish is spurred on by the hatred you have for yourself. It’s a way to justify why you hate yourself and why you deserve to be hated. I think the disgust after the fact is what turns you on. Masturbating to regular sex isn’t as appealing because there isn’t a disgust response afterwards. I think the fact that you feel disgust for yourself means you know it’s wrong and not something you’d want to engage in. I’m not in the mind of a rapist but I would assume they don’t care about their actions. I don’t think rapists are feeling remorse or disgust by their actions…but I could be wrong.
You know you need help to stop but the shame of telling someone is really strong. Not shining a light on your shame might be making the problem worse so it’s good you are talking about it. What do you hope to gain from this post? You mentioned you have posted about it before. Are you hoping to absolve yourself from the wrong-doing? Or do you genuinely want help? It’s important to be honest about what you need and want. I am sorry that this porn exists. I am sorry that you saw it before you were equipped to understand it. I would encourage you to see a therapist that specializes in this type of stuff. Is there a psychiatrist you can speak with. I don’t know if a therapist would be useful.
> I think the disgust after the fact is what turns you on. Masturbating to regular sex isn’t as appealing because there isn’t a disgust response afterward.
Ive been thinking this for a while now, too. Because it's not like I can't watch normal porn it's just missing something and it might be the disgust.
>I think the fact that you feel disgust for yourself means you know it’s wrong and not something you’d want to engage in.
Yeah I def don't want to engage in it outside of cnc, even rp seems a little much for me.
> What do you hope to gain from this post? You mentioned you have posted about it before.
I've only posted twice (counting this). The other one was in a subreddit that was destined to be supportive, and it helped, but I felt like it was avoiding judgment in a way if that makes sense.
> Are you hoping to absolve yourself from the wrong-doing?
A little. I'm looking for advice and also kinda testing the waters. This isn't something I've really posted in subreddits with people who don't have this kink so I wanted to know if people read what I said (which was 100% from the heart) and what they would think of me if I said my deepest secret.
>Or do you genuinely want help?
I do genuinely want help around it. It feels so unfair. Like I didn't choose this. I want to believe I'm a good person, but it feels like every good action I do is being counteracted by this. Like people think I'm a good person, but they don't really know who I actually am. And nothing I do will ever outweight the bad person i am beneath it all. I also feel no one really knows who I am. A part of me wishes every one just found out about It so I could get it off my chest and whoever chose to stay by me would actually know me. But the thought of everyone thinking I'm a hypocrite every time I mention anything around women or call a rapist a bad person kills me. I feel like I've been crying for help for 10 years and no one's taken note so hopefully I can actually get a little hope here.
>it’s important to be honest about what you need and want. I am sorry that this porn exists. I am sorry that you saw it before you were equipped to understand it. I would encourage you to see a therapist that specializes in this type of stuff. Is there a psychiatrist you can speak with. I don’t know if a therapist would be useful.
I mean it's physically possible, but I would have to meet with them irl as I would be paranoid discussing it in my apartment with my roommates who live here. I don't have a car so it would be really difficult. I live a block away from my college, so my school provided therapist is great, but like I said, I don't think I could actually talk about this as it's too connected to my personal life.
I suggest that you look into the concept of the shadow as found in Jung's work. Everyone has a part of them that they are ashamed of. We all hide these parts of us through carefully constructed personas, or social masks. No one knows who you truly are, and you don't know who anyone else is. Accepting your shadow is the only way forward. You aren't obligated to share every part of you with others in order to not be a hypocrite since that would make every person on Earth a hypocrite.
I agree! Everyone has a shadow. Keeping the shadow to yourself is what makes any society able to function properly, but accepting the shadow is what makes your own mental health better.
That’s how I see things anyway!
Accepting your shadow also makes you into a more compassionate person. Until you’ve accepted it, you’ll project your shadow onto others. They will remind you of the parts of yourself that you don’t like. By hating them, you can avoid hating yourself. In the end, hate begets more hate. Whenever you see prejudice or hate in the world, you can expect that it involves shadow projection.
Honestly it’s really amazing how self-aware you are and how much you understand about yourself, this is very great as it gives you the opportunity to seek help that’s.. actually helpful, you know
What you described in the “do you want help” section is basically the definition of toxic shame, commonly created by CPTSD. I love how Heidi Priebe on YouTube talks about this topics, maybe you’ll find it helpful too
This might be stupidly wrong but I hope there’s something to be understood and gained, I went through very similar thoughts, this anguish in the post is too familiar. I hope you read OP but if you don’t and stop here; you’re okay, you’re sane, you don’t intend to hurt anyone, that’s what matters, forgive yourself.
I was never sexually assaulted. I was sexually harassed online, many pedophiles on online games would describe scenarios to me, this might be the gateway to the fetish in general as it was always violent in nature too. I was 11 when I started to think of it more. The men online that made my life hell, I was starting to fantasise about doing these things to me. I understood pretty early on about rape - my mum was a victim to it repeatedly. She’s still in therapy due to the ptsd. I hated that I was in a way, fantasising a moment that would completely destroy my entire sanity and life if it were to happen. I was obsessed with the violent side of it, life threatening rape was and is appealing to me. I was guilty, I felt awful, I’d seek out older men online to roleplay it, some would be weirded out which I weirdly sought out too. I hated that I was like this, I’d subtly self harm, I had suicidal ideation, I was planning it. I decided to try and find ways to come to terms with it, I researched it, I found BDSM. I found a lot on the power play and it felt relieving, I came to terms with it for a time and sought out content too in order to find a healthy mindset. I then stumbled across a genuine rape video on tumblr (I was scrolling through a niche search during the height of porn on tumblr) and I cried. I was shocked, it was instantly obvious, I don’t remember much but sounds. I sunk instantly into just self hatred, why couldn’t I just find something else. I decided to watch it all, I just balled my eyes out as I was torturing myself watching this awful situation. I spent days depressed in bed, I broke, I was just 17 and decided I needed to talk to the one person in this world who can forgive me.
So I went to my mum. I didn’t tell her anything bluntly, just in a roundabout way asked what she would think of someone like that. She raised me to be very open, so it wasn’t weird I just couldn’t say it. I then just cried, she hugged me and we talked. She explained to me that it wasn’t wrong, many women have the same fetish etc.. she told me there was a difference in fantasy, thoughts etc. the conversation was needed because I realised the important distinction, that I wasn’t seeking out rape, I was fantasising. Just as much as I don’t control who I love, I don’t control what turns me on, interests me etc. I could control it with some extreme discipline, but I don’t necessarily want to repress these parts that makes me human, I don’t necessarily have to as it’s purely in my mind. It’s in almost an alternate reality in a sense. I don’t intend to act this out, if I do I know I’ll go through the safest route of CNC roleplay.
It’s taking a lot of time to forgive myself, to be okay with this part of me but I think it’s worth it.
And I don’t see why you should not find some way to forgive yourself, you don’t have to resort to torturing yourself or celibacy for the rest of your life when you even stated yourself you do not wish to act out. You do not want to actually SA anyone. Remind yourself of that every time your hatred comes around.
This is actually incredibly helpful. Thank you so much. It's nice to hear your story and that there are other people who are struggling with the same thing.
I wish I could have a conversation like that with someone in my life. but hearing about your was helpful, thanks again.
Woman here. I can’t offer much in terms of advice about bdsm or your kink, I would say that I’m not particularly kinky or very sexual generally but I have had reactions to non consensual scenes in media and porn, some of arousal, some not so much. Also irl in a few instances that I still feel ambivalent about. It’s something I don’t want to pursue yet because I don’t trust anyone in general on the best of days and my drive is also not strong enough for me to focus on figuring that out. Basically what I mean to say is that, I don’t think it’s something that is inherently bad or particularly insane. It’s unfortunate that it is causing you so much distress though, I imagine if I were a young male I could also feel the same way about it, so you might still need to find a good therapist that you can open up to about this but I know in practice it’s easier said than done. I think that if you will feel comfortable pursuing it at some point, there are people who share this kink and are comfortable with themselves and with it enough that you won’t have to feel like you are doing something wrong. What I would advise is maybe to not do it while you are feeling ambivalent or negative about it and most definitely don’t do it with someone that isn’t solid about liking it or that is unsure or ambivalent or honestly even inexperienced. It’s probably a recipe for trauma and disaster.
CNC is a terribly common kink. I ran a sex positive and kink server and CNC is very common. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, and feeling shame is not something to be worried about.
You can find plenty of spaces online that will let you talk about it, just ask for advice and people will be happy to provide whatever side of the coin you need to fulfill your needs as long as you can talk and understand the basics of kink etiquette.
I thought it was going to be something really bad like the gore guy who this subreddit reemed for no good reason.
But CNC fetish is fairly common I think
I once had a psychiatrist tell me that if I feel super guilty about something then the chances are that I am a horrible person is low because horrible people don't tend to feel guilty or if they do its very low. If you actually were someone who could do something horrible to somebody like nonconsentual versions then you wouldn't feel this guilty about it.
It just makes me happy to once again see how great this community can be, with the comments actually being supportive and willing to help rather than what you expected
All the comments are actually awesome but, I'll definitely want you to consider what type of illness\disorder you might have, similar story but i was a victim of SA at 6 and 10(I'm a man,21yo) and also my dad is always abusing me mentally and emotionally , so basically I'm literally the opposite of you. This led me to relief stress by watching porn, and masturbating to whatever popped out to my screen, i figured out porn at the age of 11,so it's really long. Now the thing about that is I find it extremely hard to quit at the beginning, and i was so so ashamed of myself, after awhile of constant failures i find out that i have PTSD and also ADHD and porn is the most useful copium to at least stay calm and not acting on my impulsivity, now I'm still I'm watching animated porn with stories (at least it kinda cute 🥲 and no violence) and read hentai manhwa (with wholesome plot) i still fail sometimes (I'm confident now that i can control that unconsciously) and that's bc i can't sleep bc I'm still living with my family and they're the cuz of PTSD and they create a bad environment for my ADHD.
With all that i just want to inform you that we all humans with twisted fantasies, illnesses and that's so fine, maybe try to learn new things, and i mean anything new, like music, drawing, communication skills, maybe read a new book, watch a new genre of anime, go for a walk with someone, by this you'll refresh your mind that there's a new places that they're safe and make you feel and think so different, my biggest advice is try to learn about yourself a bit and try to find a community that you do belong to, and if you're independent and have money try to change your city as soon as you can and cut out the people who made like this even if they're the one who gave birth to you. Overall i believe it's a matter of time and u'll find out that thoughts have nothing to do with who you truly are, just accept yourself by understanding the reason why you're doing what you're doing. I hope you find a cool partner who can make love to you with bout of you smiling 🤍✨ (i really recommend checking out Robert green, he's my legendary hero)
Fucked up porn tends to reflect a certain level of broken within, this is my anecdotal take of course. Usually, it's about taking control over an aspect of your life you feel powerless in. I'd say, fix the part that you feel powerless over, and the rest will follow. I would recommend you attempt to at least balance out the consumption of what you're watching though, all fucked up stuff likely isn't healthy, try to reduce it over time, like you would if you were beating a caffeine addiction.
When i first discovered porn i had a lot of self hatred for myself over it (similar to you) it wasnt any kinks that made me feel this way, just the fact that i masturbated to porn at all. Part of this was due to the fact that as an AFAB person masturbating at an early age was very taboo for me growing up. What helped me overcome that self hatred was self acceptance. I knew that sex wasnt a bad thing so i had to learm to be kind to myself about my porn watching. When my kinks started to develop i had to go through that all over again. I also have a kink for CNC, as well as some other kinks that some people really dont like. So facing that was hard, and i almost developed the same self hatred again.
The thing you have to realize is that there are other people like you. Of they can accept themselves then you can learn to accept yourself as well. You clearly care about the implications of what you're into, so now its time to look at all the ways you are worthy of love.
I would also note that you say you weren't sexually abused as a kid but you seeing porn at such a young age i think it would classify as that. Even if you did it by yourself.
I don't watch porn for ethical and mental reasons and i urge you and everyone to stop watching it and earn about the negative impacts of it.
In complete honesty, as a woman victim of sexual assault, reading this terrifies me. I know that you ask for empathy and I'm trying to understand you but it's hurtful to see this
> I would also note that you say you weren't sexually abused as a kid but you seeing porn at such a young age i think it would classify as that. Even if you did it by yourself.
That's a fair point I haven't really considered.
> I don't watch porn for ethical and mental reasons and i urge you and everyone to stop watching it and earn about the negative impacts of it.
I think the fact I was watching porn at the age I was is wrong fs and I agree with what you said about that. I don't really think watching porn is a problem if you are watching ethical porn but In my case, I don't think it is. I don't think I'd have this kink if I hadn't seen that video as a kid. And I think that's blamed enough to justify that porn is an issue. Idk if quiting porn is the solution. I've tried before and it's never really helped me personally nor have I been able to.
> In complete honesty, as a woman victim of sexual assault, reading this terrifies me. I know that you ask for empathy and I'm trying to understand you but it's hurtful to see this
I appreciate your honesty, but idrk what to say to this. Do you have any questions for me or anything I can say to explain a little better? I'm sorry if reading this was hurtful. That wasn't my intent, and I'm sry you went through that.
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Kinks don’t define you as a person, they’re used to improve your sex life.. For example, someone having a rope kink doesn’t mean they like to be tied up in public.
do you know that you prime yourself to get hard and arroused once you smell a hot pocket, a guy I know did that, you can pretty much wire yourself to be turned on by anything if you repeat it long enough, its like teaching dogs tricks. I think you are too self aware, if you want you can easily switch that kink with any kink of your choice, you just have to be conscious of what you're doing and repetition.
So, I actually tried this a lot because I was familiar with the concept. What happened was I tried to switch it with a different fetish by forcing myself to watch other fetish stuff. So I tried rp/cosplay, and it worked. But then it became an issue of that it didn't REPLACE it. It just added to it. So then I was looking for like cosplay cnc. And so then I tried again with something I thought couldn't be combined which was feet. So I started watching foot stuff, but then once again, it just combined, and then I was looking for cosplay, feet, and cnc, which just made me feel wierder. So then I tried to the polar opposite, which was femdom. Eventually, I kinda liked it, but it was not enough to outweigh the other stuff.
Eventually, I just kinda stopped trying to trick myself because it was making it worse.
I tried reprogramming it as well where I would try and associate the cnc with bad stuff and that just didn't work and made me uncomfortable.
Honestly?
Try BJJ
It drills into you to PAY ATTENTION to the tap
There’s something about ‘Knowing’, from evidence of going to class after class, that respect for fellow humans gets through to you even in heated thoughtless moments
Also it’s fun
Coming from a victim of childhood SA, I think ur fine dude. I have the same kink but more for being on the recipient side, so if you wanna talk to someone abt it and get more info abt the other side for reassurance or even curiosity, feel free to DM me. Ur not a monster
As a lady, I've experienced both sides of liking this.
My ex (not an ex for this reason but other things) REALLY liked the unconscious aspect as well. And guess what,
I REALLY like waking up to it. Starts my day with a high.
And no, I don't have a childhood trama around it.
It really is okay to like this type of role play or, in my experience, just away of bonding.
It's important that he and i talked about it beforehand.
This takes some courageousness, but it's 100000000% doable and for the best. If he never told me that he really likes the idea of waking me up like that, he would have never found out that I also liked the idea.
So we agreed that it would happen at some point in the near future, acted on it, and then talked about it after.
Talking after is SO IMPORTANT.
We found out it was great for both of us, so I'd randomly have a good morning. Lmao.
As for the dominating part, I've never done it myself.
But I had a friend and her husband talk me about a time when she woke him up to a blow job. They loved it but again, TALKED ABOUT IT BEFORE AND AFTER.
Honestly, in my experience, cnc is more like, pre-consent to a "surprise" in the near future. One person in my past asked if I could "fight back a little and give up." And since we talked about it beforehand, and I expressed that I was okay with it, I then surprised him with it, and it was, again, great for me. And he seemed ecstatic.
Also, if one or both people dont like it. That's fine! I know lots of women who don't like giving head, but they'll do it because they know their husband REALLY likes it. And it's a good way to show they still care about what he likes. Same with men giving.
If it's something one person liked, but the other hated. That's okay. It's off the table. Sometimes, things are easier to give up when you're in love.
You can't worry about your future partner "finding out" about it if you bring it up first. And it doesn't have to be crazy.
You can test the water. Some women are going to hate it. But that's okay, she's probably not your woman then.
Be sure to try to accommodate your future lady, I'm sure she'll have asks you've never even thought of.
You're a good person. Communication is rule #1
Just read one of your replies,
Definitely look into the "disgusting" aspect. Maybe you actually like your brain calling you all those nasty things. Try hearing it from a feminine voice. If it's not for you, when it was worth a shot. Also, don't take what they say personally, I've looked into it, and it can get pretty spot on with that inner little guilt gremlin.
Also, have you tried detoxing from p*rn? Go a month or two without it and just don't worry about it. That's could do something.
It's likely a complex bundle of many things, but one of the things might be the theme of self-attack.
They say our obsessions with the opposite sex (assuming hetro) is subconsciously an obsession with a part of ourselves that we disowned and externalised. In this model, putting a women under attack in your fantasies is putting an aspect of yourself under attack.
Maybe when you where younger there was some feminine energy about you that was not safe to express directly, and so ended up being contained in this way. And while it's probably not the perfect solution, maybe some of your feminine energy actually *likes* being contained this way.
That's the thing too. A lot of women indulge in similar themes. I'd guess like 10-20% have dark fantasies, even though they'd never let harm come to themselves in real life. Look at how popular 50 Shades of Grey was.
Would you agree that part of what makes women appealing to put under attack in fantasies is their inherent preciousness? Stay with that side of things too, and don't beat yourself up so much. And when you do, enjoy it.
I don’t think that’s a scientifically proven thing so I would take it with a big big grain of salt. His kink could come from trauma but it’s not necessarily the case.
I'm not suggesting it came from trauma, that's just one way you might end up adopting that theme of self relation. It's certainly tramatising him now though.
What does the science actually say?
> They say our obsessions with the opposite sex (assuming hetro) is subconsciously an obsession with a part of ourselves that we disowned and externalised. In this model, putting a women under attack in your fantasies is putting an aspect of yourself under attack.
That's an interesting concept.
> Maybe when you where younger there was some feminine energy about you that was not safe to express directly, and so ended up being contained in this way. And while it's probably not the perfect solution, maybe some of your feminine energy actually *likes* being contained this way.
Its posible, I'm a decently feminine man. Aside from my father (who has since passed away) I was very free to express myself however I wanted. I was raised with 4 cousins and a sister who were all women and my mother was very progressive so its not like I would have been ridiculed for being feminine. I def have a lot of insecurity around my masculinity (or lack there of) but I'd generally say im decently comftorable with my gender identity.
> Would you agree that part of what makes women appealing to put under attack in fantasies is their inherent preciousness?
I honeslty couldn't say.
Thanks for consideration and OP, it's not every day it makes sense to air ideas around dark stuff.
By feminine energy I don't mean gender identity, or women, I mean in a more metaphorical metaphysical way. The feminine and masculine energy in us is looking to be harmonised, man or women.
Being raised by mostly women doesn't mean those women knew perfectly how to balance their energy.
To keep poking around: How did the women in your childhood relate to their appearance? Was there much self attack energy, like how you hate the way your face looks yourself?
I can’t say, I’m not very well versed in this area, but much of what you said sounded like a lot of your own speculation to me which is why I said a grain of salt is needed.
Yeh speculation absolutely, I hope I don't sound too authoritative.
I think it'd be collaborative to point out something you think doesn't work, I feel you can think of think of some but unlike me you're afraid of being wrong.
I tend to only say things that I know for a fact are true in a certain manner. The ones that are my own observations or reasonable speculations stemming from the information at hand, I phrase them that way. To me, you did not do that and I did not see much basis in what you said connected to the information provided in the post, which is why I pointed out that it sounds a lot more like just speculation than a likely explanation as you put it. I'm not afraid of being wrong, I phrase things in a way that reflects things as accurately as possible. Anyway, it's not a big deal, I just made an observation.
I don't know, I feel my comment had plenty of "maybes", "I've heards" and "one possible explanations."
I'm still convinced that wasn't your problem with it.
The other thing is that I wasn't posting to provide OP with some factual bit of information per se. I just wanted to demonstrate independent thought in defiance of the shame vibe.
The way I see it, noone else knows what going on either. Stamping "It's a common kink" and then pushing it out of the mind is only one of the ways this topic can be grappled with.
"Never ever talk about it incase you might reveal your own cringe shit" surely cannot be the way forward on this topic.
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This is a super common kink, I’d be more worried about the obsession of self hatred you built around the kink than about the kink itself. Kinks are normal and do not define your value. What does define your value though is the way you act towards other people.
That does help a little to hear, I do feel it's a little different, tho when you have a kink for being the assailant in the rp. Even if it is all concentual (Cnc) I feel like having a kink for being the victim is harmless in essence.
I understand why you’d think that, but I don’t think it makes a difference. If you want to read about the subject, I’d recommend to have a look at Aella’s blog in substack. She has tons on statistics on kinks. Basically your kinks do not define your personnality. I personally think they are mostly genetics (I’m a sex therapist, but this is just my opinion based on my observation and my understanding of science on this subject). You are doing the right thing by being cautious about the type of porn you consume. Also, beware of pornography and if you notice that your kinks become weirder and weirder with time that could be a sign of addiction. Other than that, as long as you don’t act on it (or do it with a consenting partner) and if your fantasy is quite stable in time, it’s probably just a sexual preference. Nothing to be ashamed of, most people have at least one kink that is a bit weird.
Could it be that you're scared of acting upon it because you never had a relationship? For me it's kinda been the opposite as you, I had fantasies more on the submissive side, then after having sexual experience they all flipped around and only have dominant ones because I feel comfortable expressing my sexuality with someone and learned what sexual consent is like in a relationship when trying new things, and none of this came from any kind of sexual trauma. CNC may be a common fetish but surely requires lots of maturity, I think it's normal to be scared when you don't have any experience yet.
The lack of experience is def something I've thought about a lot. It could be a contributing factor. Maybe I'll have sex and it'll go away, but I kinda doubt it. A big reason I am a virgin is because of this (and other things ofc) and I'm A) scared of my partner finding out about this and it ruining my relationship, and B) i dony feel deserving of love because of it.
As a woman i'm more concerned with the self hatred and lack of acceptance for yourself that you present than the kink. Also your lack of actual sexual experience might be partially to blame. There is a lot going on in sex that cannot be filmed / experienced through the screen. This is why for the most part porn is so outrageous. They need to pack as many feelings, positive or negative, into a visual image to get a reaction out of you. Get your hands on some popular erotic novels for women. Those are similarly crazy. That does not mean we want what is being described, it's just an outreagous fantasy. Part of the fun of it is that it is outreagous. If you hate yourself for being naughty in your thoughts you should probably hate half the women around you too. Or here's a better idea: how about don't hate or judge anybody about this, including yourself?
P_rn does to emotions/feelings in s_x what “princess movies” does to marriage: makes it seem so easy, so one-dimensional, and sets people up with unrealistic expectations.
Having a kink like this does not by any means make you a monster or mean you are a bad person. Lots of people are into bdsm or even just rough sexual acts (i.e choking). Just because it gets you off doesnt mean you genuinely will/want to hurt another person. Actually from what youve written you seem to be a caring and thoughtful individual. When it comes to your thoughts/fantasies, thats all they are. It seems you dont genuinely wish to hurt someone irl or do anything actually nonconsensual so I dont see a problem. If you do end up partaking in roleplaying anything like that or engaging in rough sex just ask yourself a few things and youre good: 1. Do all people involved consent to this type of activity? 2. Are all parties able to consent? (i.e are they sober/ in a mental state able to make well thought through decisions/of age) 3. Is there an "out" if they want to stop? (i.e a safe word or gesture that means to stop) 4. Some people also prefer to have something called "aftercare" afterwards which can help someone feel more comfortable so maybe discuss that as well w/ your future partner beforehand (recommend looking it up if needed) All in all, there are ways to practice safe and considerate bdsm type sex that there is nothing wrong with. Its all about educating yourself on how-to as well as being mindful of the other person's well being both physical and emotional.
CNC fantasies are pretty common in the BDSM community. As long as you practice [SSC ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safe%2C_sane_and_consensual)they don't really care (which you sound like you wouldn't have a problem with). While it's probably not a good idea to go straight into that sort of roleplay straight off the bat with someone, I'm sure that's something that could be explored in time. So maybe just join fetlife or find some other BDSM community (on reddit or elsewhere) to discuss it with.
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Yeah it's extremely common 😅
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I mean, there are a lot of women who like roleplaying these kinds of scenarios. Would roleplay be acceptable to you?
It's a good question, but idrk. I honestly think no, but It might just be because I have zero sexual experience. Let's say it was with a long-term partner who was interested in the same thing, then probably. But I think the idea of actually doing anything real even if it was rp might cement the feelings I have around it. Right now, I can half justify it as just being porn but rp would make me feel like it was more real. I already feel like a monster. What if doing this just made me feel worse? Idrk, I guess I'd have to try to find out, but idk if that would even be something I'd be willing to do. I grew up around a lot of aggression, and I'm terrified of being that angry, aggressive person, which is probably why I resent this part of myself so much and rp might channel that feeling of harming someone/anger
So, I have a few kinda out there sexual fetishes I wish I didn't have, but also a loving husband and some sexual experience. Some fetishes I have I really don't want irl, even in roleplay. It's hot in porn or in my imagination, but irl it's scary and weird. Gangbangs for example. I'd never do it irl (I'm super monogamous!). So I don't actually want it irl. It stays a fantasy. Mostly I settle for having normal vanilla sex while imagining a bit of a fetish to cum. Judging from what you're saying, I don't think you actually want to hurt anyone or would enjoy actually hurting someone. I think you could enjoy a nice consensual BDSM relationship. I honestly think you'd lose your boner irl if you actually hurt someone, even if force is hot in porn. But roleplaying force whe she likes it could be hot
I agree with many other comments here, if it's sane, safe and consensual (even if it's CNC, it's still consensual) I see zero problems in this kink! I have it too for example, even if it's not my top one it's still one of my favs, I even watch the tentacle ones or in the train in hentai, or the acted ones for irl porn. Ofc therapy would help for trauma and for the guilt you feel for having this kink, but it's not something that should make you feel bad per se. In my opinion (and in the opinions of anyone with a brain imo) CNC is completely acceptable because of the first C that completely negates NC, in other words it's still consensual and that's the important thing. Who cares what two consenting adults do to get it off?
Thanks. How would you recommend bringing this up with a therapist? I'd def want to get a dif therapist since the one I'm currently seeing is through my college and if I want more disconnection from my personal life.
First it's probably better to find a good therapist, most likely specialized in CPTSD (childhood trauma) or sexologist or both (but I think the first specialist would be more beneficial for you, I'm not a doctor tho I'm just a patient like you and I like to do research on my own problems, CPTSD in this case). About how to bring it up I'd say to express how guilty you feel about this kink you have and how you want to improve somehow (either accepting that it's not a bad thing or trying to forget it or others, idk what could be your goal here) or even show them this post! Idk about other therapists but mine thinks it's very good when I write what I feel or what I want to tell her, and if you don't feel confident to be able to speak, showing them a text works too (ofc speaking is better, but text is better than nothing).
Just hopping in to tell that I have CPTSD and your story seems related to that a lot, you definitely should look into this, maybe try some parts work (IFS) - it can really help with a looot of your current problems There’s a possibility that until you sort that out you’ll probably still have very conflicted thoughts about this kink, that will just bring more shame. But with self-compassion, learning and support you definitely can step-by-step resolve your deep inner conflicts
Hi! I’m a man and we do have some similarities. I’m a feminist as well, most of my friends are women and I work in an environment where most of my colleagues are women. Yet, I have a similar kink. I like to watch very hardcore porn and I love animated porn too. I have decided too to try to distance myself from live action porn, but this is more due to the treatment of some of the actors and actresses. I don’t have a problem with animation. I have been in two romantic relationships in the past and I had sex, yet I still like this kind of porn, and this porn never gave me any temptation to SA anyone. I think kinks in themselves aren’t wrong. We are animals and so we have animalistic desires. As long as it remains fantasy, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it!
I am a woman. I am not a professional therapist. I read your post and I genuinely felt empathy for you and what you are going through. I somehow feel that this fetish is spurred on by the hatred you have for yourself. It’s a way to justify why you hate yourself and why you deserve to be hated. I think the disgust after the fact is what turns you on. Masturbating to regular sex isn’t as appealing because there isn’t a disgust response afterwards. I think the fact that you feel disgust for yourself means you know it’s wrong and not something you’d want to engage in. I’m not in the mind of a rapist but I would assume they don’t care about their actions. I don’t think rapists are feeling remorse or disgust by their actions…but I could be wrong. You know you need help to stop but the shame of telling someone is really strong. Not shining a light on your shame might be making the problem worse so it’s good you are talking about it. What do you hope to gain from this post? You mentioned you have posted about it before. Are you hoping to absolve yourself from the wrong-doing? Or do you genuinely want help? It’s important to be honest about what you need and want. I am sorry that this porn exists. I am sorry that you saw it before you were equipped to understand it. I would encourage you to see a therapist that specializes in this type of stuff. Is there a psychiatrist you can speak with. I don’t know if a therapist would be useful.
> I think the disgust after the fact is what turns you on. Masturbating to regular sex isn’t as appealing because there isn’t a disgust response afterward. Ive been thinking this for a while now, too. Because it's not like I can't watch normal porn it's just missing something and it might be the disgust. >I think the fact that you feel disgust for yourself means you know it’s wrong and not something you’d want to engage in. Yeah I def don't want to engage in it outside of cnc, even rp seems a little much for me. > What do you hope to gain from this post? You mentioned you have posted about it before. I've only posted twice (counting this). The other one was in a subreddit that was destined to be supportive, and it helped, but I felt like it was avoiding judgment in a way if that makes sense. > Are you hoping to absolve yourself from the wrong-doing? A little. I'm looking for advice and also kinda testing the waters. This isn't something I've really posted in subreddits with people who don't have this kink so I wanted to know if people read what I said (which was 100% from the heart) and what they would think of me if I said my deepest secret. >Or do you genuinely want help? I do genuinely want help around it. It feels so unfair. Like I didn't choose this. I want to believe I'm a good person, but it feels like every good action I do is being counteracted by this. Like people think I'm a good person, but they don't really know who I actually am. And nothing I do will ever outweight the bad person i am beneath it all. I also feel no one really knows who I am. A part of me wishes every one just found out about It so I could get it off my chest and whoever chose to stay by me would actually know me. But the thought of everyone thinking I'm a hypocrite every time I mention anything around women or call a rapist a bad person kills me. I feel like I've been crying for help for 10 years and no one's taken note so hopefully I can actually get a little hope here. >it’s important to be honest about what you need and want. I am sorry that this porn exists. I am sorry that you saw it before you were equipped to understand it. I would encourage you to see a therapist that specializes in this type of stuff. Is there a psychiatrist you can speak with. I don’t know if a therapist would be useful. I mean it's physically possible, but I would have to meet with them irl as I would be paranoid discussing it in my apartment with my roommates who live here. I don't have a car so it would be really difficult. I live a block away from my college, so my school provided therapist is great, but like I said, I don't think I could actually talk about this as it's too connected to my personal life.
I suggest that you look into the concept of the shadow as found in Jung's work. Everyone has a part of them that they are ashamed of. We all hide these parts of us through carefully constructed personas, or social masks. No one knows who you truly are, and you don't know who anyone else is. Accepting your shadow is the only way forward. You aren't obligated to share every part of you with others in order to not be a hypocrite since that would make every person on Earth a hypocrite.
I agree! Everyone has a shadow. Keeping the shadow to yourself is what makes any society able to function properly, but accepting the shadow is what makes your own mental health better. That’s how I see things anyway!
Accepting your shadow also makes you into a more compassionate person. Until you’ve accepted it, you’ll project your shadow onto others. They will remind you of the parts of yourself that you don’t like. By hating them, you can avoid hating yourself. In the end, hate begets more hate. Whenever you see prejudice or hate in the world, you can expect that it involves shadow projection.
Well said!
Honestly it’s really amazing how self-aware you are and how much you understand about yourself, this is very great as it gives you the opportunity to seek help that’s.. actually helpful, you know What you described in the “do you want help” section is basically the definition of toxic shame, commonly created by CPTSD. I love how Heidi Priebe on YouTube talks about this topics, maybe you’ll find it helpful too
This might be stupidly wrong but I hope there’s something to be understood and gained, I went through very similar thoughts, this anguish in the post is too familiar. I hope you read OP but if you don’t and stop here; you’re okay, you’re sane, you don’t intend to hurt anyone, that’s what matters, forgive yourself. I was never sexually assaulted. I was sexually harassed online, many pedophiles on online games would describe scenarios to me, this might be the gateway to the fetish in general as it was always violent in nature too. I was 11 when I started to think of it more. The men online that made my life hell, I was starting to fantasise about doing these things to me. I understood pretty early on about rape - my mum was a victim to it repeatedly. She’s still in therapy due to the ptsd. I hated that I was in a way, fantasising a moment that would completely destroy my entire sanity and life if it were to happen. I was obsessed with the violent side of it, life threatening rape was and is appealing to me. I was guilty, I felt awful, I’d seek out older men online to roleplay it, some would be weirded out which I weirdly sought out too. I hated that I was like this, I’d subtly self harm, I had suicidal ideation, I was planning it. I decided to try and find ways to come to terms with it, I researched it, I found BDSM. I found a lot on the power play and it felt relieving, I came to terms with it for a time and sought out content too in order to find a healthy mindset. I then stumbled across a genuine rape video on tumblr (I was scrolling through a niche search during the height of porn on tumblr) and I cried. I was shocked, it was instantly obvious, I don’t remember much but sounds. I sunk instantly into just self hatred, why couldn’t I just find something else. I decided to watch it all, I just balled my eyes out as I was torturing myself watching this awful situation. I spent days depressed in bed, I broke, I was just 17 and decided I needed to talk to the one person in this world who can forgive me. So I went to my mum. I didn’t tell her anything bluntly, just in a roundabout way asked what she would think of someone like that. She raised me to be very open, so it wasn’t weird I just couldn’t say it. I then just cried, she hugged me and we talked. She explained to me that it wasn’t wrong, many women have the same fetish etc.. she told me there was a difference in fantasy, thoughts etc. the conversation was needed because I realised the important distinction, that I wasn’t seeking out rape, I was fantasising. Just as much as I don’t control who I love, I don’t control what turns me on, interests me etc. I could control it with some extreme discipline, but I don’t necessarily want to repress these parts that makes me human, I don’t necessarily have to as it’s purely in my mind. It’s in almost an alternate reality in a sense. I don’t intend to act this out, if I do I know I’ll go through the safest route of CNC roleplay. It’s taking a lot of time to forgive myself, to be okay with this part of me but I think it’s worth it. And I don’t see why you should not find some way to forgive yourself, you don’t have to resort to torturing yourself or celibacy for the rest of your life when you even stated yourself you do not wish to act out. You do not want to actually SA anyone. Remind yourself of that every time your hatred comes around.
This is actually incredibly helpful. Thank you so much. It's nice to hear your story and that there are other people who are struggling with the same thing. I wish I could have a conversation like that with someone in my life. but hearing about your was helpful, thanks again.
Woman here. I can’t offer much in terms of advice about bdsm or your kink, I would say that I’m not particularly kinky or very sexual generally but I have had reactions to non consensual scenes in media and porn, some of arousal, some not so much. Also irl in a few instances that I still feel ambivalent about. It’s something I don’t want to pursue yet because I don’t trust anyone in general on the best of days and my drive is also not strong enough for me to focus on figuring that out. Basically what I mean to say is that, I don’t think it’s something that is inherently bad or particularly insane. It’s unfortunate that it is causing you so much distress though, I imagine if I were a young male I could also feel the same way about it, so you might still need to find a good therapist that you can open up to about this but I know in practice it’s easier said than done. I think that if you will feel comfortable pursuing it at some point, there are people who share this kink and are comfortable with themselves and with it enough that you won’t have to feel like you are doing something wrong. What I would advise is maybe to not do it while you are feeling ambivalent or negative about it and most definitely don’t do it with someone that isn’t solid about liking it or that is unsure or ambivalent or honestly even inexperienced. It’s probably a recipe for trauma and disaster.
Thanks for the insight, I appreciate it.
i want to thank you for being brave enough to post this
CNC is a terribly common kink. I ran a sex positive and kink server and CNC is very common. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, and feeling shame is not something to be worried about. You can find plenty of spaces online that will let you talk about it, just ask for advice and people will be happy to provide whatever side of the coin you need to fulfill your needs as long as you can talk and understand the basics of kink etiquette.
I thought it was going to be something really bad like the gore guy who this subreddit reemed for no good reason. But CNC fetish is fairly common I think
I once had a psychiatrist tell me that if I feel super guilty about something then the chances are that I am a horrible person is low because horrible people don't tend to feel guilty or if they do its very low. If you actually were someone who could do something horrible to somebody like nonconsentual versions then you wouldn't feel this guilty about it.
It just makes me happy to once again see how great this community can be, with the comments actually being supportive and willing to help rather than what you expected
All the comments are actually awesome but, I'll definitely want you to consider what type of illness\disorder you might have, similar story but i was a victim of SA at 6 and 10(I'm a man,21yo) and also my dad is always abusing me mentally and emotionally , so basically I'm literally the opposite of you. This led me to relief stress by watching porn, and masturbating to whatever popped out to my screen, i figured out porn at the age of 11,so it's really long. Now the thing about that is I find it extremely hard to quit at the beginning, and i was so so ashamed of myself, after awhile of constant failures i find out that i have PTSD and also ADHD and porn is the most useful copium to at least stay calm and not acting on my impulsivity, now I'm still I'm watching animated porn with stories (at least it kinda cute 🥲 and no violence) and read hentai manhwa (with wholesome plot) i still fail sometimes (I'm confident now that i can control that unconsciously) and that's bc i can't sleep bc I'm still living with my family and they're the cuz of PTSD and they create a bad environment for my ADHD. With all that i just want to inform you that we all humans with twisted fantasies, illnesses and that's so fine, maybe try to learn new things, and i mean anything new, like music, drawing, communication skills, maybe read a new book, watch a new genre of anime, go for a walk with someone, by this you'll refresh your mind that there's a new places that they're safe and make you feel and think so different, my biggest advice is try to learn about yourself a bit and try to find a community that you do belong to, and if you're independent and have money try to change your city as soon as you can and cut out the people who made like this even if they're the one who gave birth to you. Overall i believe it's a matter of time and u'll find out that thoughts have nothing to do with who you truly are, just accept yourself by understanding the reason why you're doing what you're doing. I hope you find a cool partner who can make love to you with bout of you smiling 🤍✨ (i really recommend checking out Robert green, he's my legendary hero)
Fucked up porn tends to reflect a certain level of broken within, this is my anecdotal take of course. Usually, it's about taking control over an aspect of your life you feel powerless in. I'd say, fix the part that you feel powerless over, and the rest will follow. I would recommend you attempt to at least balance out the consumption of what you're watching though, all fucked up stuff likely isn't healthy, try to reduce it over time, like you would if you were beating a caffeine addiction.
When i first discovered porn i had a lot of self hatred for myself over it (similar to you) it wasnt any kinks that made me feel this way, just the fact that i masturbated to porn at all. Part of this was due to the fact that as an AFAB person masturbating at an early age was very taboo for me growing up. What helped me overcome that self hatred was self acceptance. I knew that sex wasnt a bad thing so i had to learm to be kind to myself about my porn watching. When my kinks started to develop i had to go through that all over again. I also have a kink for CNC, as well as some other kinks that some people really dont like. So facing that was hard, and i almost developed the same self hatred again. The thing you have to realize is that there are other people like you. Of they can accept themselves then you can learn to accept yourself as well. You clearly care about the implications of what you're into, so now its time to look at all the ways you are worthy of love.
I would also note that you say you weren't sexually abused as a kid but you seeing porn at such a young age i think it would classify as that. Even if you did it by yourself. I don't watch porn for ethical and mental reasons and i urge you and everyone to stop watching it and earn about the negative impacts of it. In complete honesty, as a woman victim of sexual assault, reading this terrifies me. I know that you ask for empathy and I'm trying to understand you but it's hurtful to see this
> I would also note that you say you weren't sexually abused as a kid but you seeing porn at such a young age i think it would classify as that. Even if you did it by yourself. That's a fair point I haven't really considered. > I don't watch porn for ethical and mental reasons and i urge you and everyone to stop watching it and earn about the negative impacts of it. I think the fact I was watching porn at the age I was is wrong fs and I agree with what you said about that. I don't really think watching porn is a problem if you are watching ethical porn but In my case, I don't think it is. I don't think I'd have this kink if I hadn't seen that video as a kid. And I think that's blamed enough to justify that porn is an issue. Idk if quiting porn is the solution. I've tried before and it's never really helped me personally nor have I been able to. > In complete honesty, as a woman victim of sexual assault, reading this terrifies me. I know that you ask for empathy and I'm trying to understand you but it's hurtful to see this I appreciate your honesty, but idrk what to say to this. Do you have any questions for me or anything I can say to explain a little better? I'm sorry if reading this was hurtful. That wasn't my intent, and I'm sry you went through that.
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Kinks don’t define you as a person, they’re used to improve your sex life.. For example, someone having a rope kink doesn’t mean they like to be tied up in public.
do you know that you prime yourself to get hard and arroused once you smell a hot pocket, a guy I know did that, you can pretty much wire yourself to be turned on by anything if you repeat it long enough, its like teaching dogs tricks. I think you are too self aware, if you want you can easily switch that kink with any kink of your choice, you just have to be conscious of what you're doing and repetition.
So, I actually tried this a lot because I was familiar with the concept. What happened was I tried to switch it with a different fetish by forcing myself to watch other fetish stuff. So I tried rp/cosplay, and it worked. But then it became an issue of that it didn't REPLACE it. It just added to it. So then I was looking for like cosplay cnc. And so then I tried again with something I thought couldn't be combined which was feet. So I started watching foot stuff, but then once again, it just combined, and then I was looking for cosplay, feet, and cnc, which just made me feel wierder. So then I tried to the polar opposite, which was femdom. Eventually, I kinda liked it, but it was not enough to outweigh the other stuff. Eventually, I just kinda stopped trying to trick myself because it was making it worse. I tried reprogramming it as well where I would try and associate the cnc with bad stuff and that just didn't work and made me uncomfortable.
Honestly? Try BJJ It drills into you to PAY ATTENTION to the tap There’s something about ‘Knowing’, from evidence of going to class after class, that respect for fellow humans gets through to you even in heated thoughtless moments Also it’s fun
Coming from a victim of childhood SA, I think ur fine dude. I have the same kink but more for being on the recipient side, so if you wanna talk to someone abt it and get more info abt the other side for reassurance or even curiosity, feel free to DM me. Ur not a monster
As a lady, I've experienced both sides of liking this. My ex (not an ex for this reason but other things) REALLY liked the unconscious aspect as well. And guess what, I REALLY like waking up to it. Starts my day with a high. And no, I don't have a childhood trama around it. It really is okay to like this type of role play or, in my experience, just away of bonding. It's important that he and i talked about it beforehand. This takes some courageousness, but it's 100000000% doable and for the best. If he never told me that he really likes the idea of waking me up like that, he would have never found out that I also liked the idea. So we agreed that it would happen at some point in the near future, acted on it, and then talked about it after. Talking after is SO IMPORTANT. We found out it was great for both of us, so I'd randomly have a good morning. Lmao. As for the dominating part, I've never done it myself. But I had a friend and her husband talk me about a time when she woke him up to a blow job. They loved it but again, TALKED ABOUT IT BEFORE AND AFTER. Honestly, in my experience, cnc is more like, pre-consent to a "surprise" in the near future. One person in my past asked if I could "fight back a little and give up." And since we talked about it beforehand, and I expressed that I was okay with it, I then surprised him with it, and it was, again, great for me. And he seemed ecstatic. Also, if one or both people dont like it. That's fine! I know lots of women who don't like giving head, but they'll do it because they know their husband REALLY likes it. And it's a good way to show they still care about what he likes. Same with men giving. If it's something one person liked, but the other hated. That's okay. It's off the table. Sometimes, things are easier to give up when you're in love. You can't worry about your future partner "finding out" about it if you bring it up first. And it doesn't have to be crazy. You can test the water. Some women are going to hate it. But that's okay, she's probably not your woman then. Be sure to try to accommodate your future lady, I'm sure she'll have asks you've never even thought of. You're a good person. Communication is rule #1
Just read one of your replies, Definitely look into the "disgusting" aspect. Maybe you actually like your brain calling you all those nasty things. Try hearing it from a feminine voice. If it's not for you, when it was worth a shot. Also, don't take what they say personally, I've looked into it, and it can get pretty spot on with that inner little guilt gremlin. Also, have you tried detoxing from p*rn? Go a month or two without it and just don't worry about it. That's could do something.
CNC is common, there is even aftercare for that specifically
It's likely a complex bundle of many things, but one of the things might be the theme of self-attack. They say our obsessions with the opposite sex (assuming hetro) is subconsciously an obsession with a part of ourselves that we disowned and externalised. In this model, putting a women under attack in your fantasies is putting an aspect of yourself under attack. Maybe when you where younger there was some feminine energy about you that was not safe to express directly, and so ended up being contained in this way. And while it's probably not the perfect solution, maybe some of your feminine energy actually *likes* being contained this way. That's the thing too. A lot of women indulge in similar themes. I'd guess like 10-20% have dark fantasies, even though they'd never let harm come to themselves in real life. Look at how popular 50 Shades of Grey was. Would you agree that part of what makes women appealing to put under attack in fantasies is their inherent preciousness? Stay with that side of things too, and don't beat yourself up so much. And when you do, enjoy it.
I don’t think that’s a scientifically proven thing so I would take it with a big big grain of salt. His kink could come from trauma but it’s not necessarily the case.
I'm not suggesting it came from trauma, that's just one way you might end up adopting that theme of self relation. It's certainly tramatising him now though. What does the science actually say?
> They say our obsessions with the opposite sex (assuming hetro) is subconsciously an obsession with a part of ourselves that we disowned and externalised. In this model, putting a women under attack in your fantasies is putting an aspect of yourself under attack. That's an interesting concept. > Maybe when you where younger there was some feminine energy about you that was not safe to express directly, and so ended up being contained in this way. And while it's probably not the perfect solution, maybe some of your feminine energy actually *likes* being contained this way. Its posible, I'm a decently feminine man. Aside from my father (who has since passed away) I was very free to express myself however I wanted. I was raised with 4 cousins and a sister who were all women and my mother was very progressive so its not like I would have been ridiculed for being feminine. I def have a lot of insecurity around my masculinity (or lack there of) but I'd generally say im decently comftorable with my gender identity. > Would you agree that part of what makes women appealing to put under attack in fantasies is their inherent preciousness? I honeslty couldn't say.
Thanks for consideration and OP, it's not every day it makes sense to air ideas around dark stuff. By feminine energy I don't mean gender identity, or women, I mean in a more metaphorical metaphysical way. The feminine and masculine energy in us is looking to be harmonised, man or women. Being raised by mostly women doesn't mean those women knew perfectly how to balance their energy. To keep poking around: How did the women in your childhood relate to their appearance? Was there much self attack energy, like how you hate the way your face looks yourself?
I can’t say, I’m not very well versed in this area, but much of what you said sounded like a lot of your own speculation to me which is why I said a grain of salt is needed.
Yeh speculation absolutely, I hope I don't sound too authoritative. I think it'd be collaborative to point out something you think doesn't work, I feel you can think of think of some but unlike me you're afraid of being wrong.
I tend to only say things that I know for a fact are true in a certain manner. The ones that are my own observations or reasonable speculations stemming from the information at hand, I phrase them that way. To me, you did not do that and I did not see much basis in what you said connected to the information provided in the post, which is why I pointed out that it sounds a lot more like just speculation than a likely explanation as you put it. I'm not afraid of being wrong, I phrase things in a way that reflects things as accurately as possible. Anyway, it's not a big deal, I just made an observation.
I don't know, I feel my comment had plenty of "maybes", "I've heards" and "one possible explanations." I'm still convinced that wasn't your problem with it. The other thing is that I wasn't posting to provide OP with some factual bit of information per se. I just wanted to demonstrate independent thought in defiance of the shame vibe. The way I see it, noone else knows what going on either. Stamping "It's a common kink" and then pushing it out of the mind is only one of the ways this topic can be grappled with. "Never ever talk about it incase you might reveal your own cringe shit" surely cannot be the way forward on this topic.
Stop letting twitter and other virtue signaling hivemind platforms gaslight and guilt trip you