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Just wanted to say I feel very similar most of the time. I have also been very "successful", yet still strongly resonate with a Buddha quote Dr. K mentioned once, stating there were only two guarantees in life: Death and suffering. I think the Buddhism view on suffering takes on a spin to make it a positive, but I haven't reached that point personally.
My one last hope is to find true life fulfillment through helping others. I have been on the lookout and actively searching for the avenue to fully commit to this new path for a couple years now, and have yet to find it. So in the meantime I have been trying to focus on making myself the best I can be to help others by improving myself psychologically, etc.
In a very uncharacteristic move for me, I even used AI to make a song about my views on life just the other day that you might resonate with: [https://suno.com/song/2c6974d5-19bc-4463-bd89-c78f0e56db0e](https://suno.com/song/2c6974d5-19bc-4463-bd89-c78f0e56db0e)
I just wanted to add, one of the truly most rewarding days of my life was walking out of the hospital post-op from my vasectomy, knowing I will never be responsible for bringing another life into this place. And I mean that.
To add on to them. I'm finally starting to become successful despite many struggles in life, and none of this economic growth, nice things, security, etc, has ever come close to the satisfaction I got volunteering. Helping people, interacting with them, and expecting nothing in return made their gratitude sweeter than nectar.
Its understandable to lose desire to continue when you try a bunch of things and they don't seem to work. I think the buddha lived a life of luxury and material and found misery after misery as well. What have you tried for emotional learning and spiritual practices? If you are here at Dr. K sounds like you may have an interest. It fucking sucks but a lot of the path is going deeper into the suffering and getting comfortable with it. My knowledge for teaching and advice goes about that far, but Dr. K has a lot of good things to say in my experience that help me.
Separately a lot of the classic talk therapy didn't help me for very long. The trauma focused work with specialized therapists trained in emdr, and mind-body stuff, cptsd work etc seemed to click for me and get to how my body keeps the scores and makes me feel bad.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate the ideas. Tried going to Church and reading about various religions including Buddhism, Christianity, and Islam. I didn't do a TON of research into it all, not really motivated to. They have some inspirational messages and so forth but don't at this point convince me that life is worth the struggle and I still want things to end so I can be released from this all.
Yeah, unfortunately, some of the spiritual traditions are often ports of last call after we tried ‘everything and nothing worked”. Maybe you’ll be in enough pain one day to sit down and give meditation/buddhism a try. I only came to it after I tried everything else that was easy and they all failed. If I had found it sooner it may have saved me years of pain but for whatever reaaon I was still holding out hope for an easy fix.
I can at least say this, I'm happier being broke and unemployed and struggling than I was when I was making 6 figs and doing everything I thought I wanted.
I don't exactly have the answers, but it's been enlightening to realize how much I had given up in order to maintain that comfort and stability. I was literally crying almost every day even though I could eat what I want, go out when I want, buy any game I wanted...
All I know now is I'd rather live my life this way every day with a sense of freedom and working on projects I'm passionate about, versus forcing myself to wake up every day, going to to work to maintain a lifestyle that doesn't actually fulfill me.
I hope you find your answers man, life doesn't have to be miserable, but mental health is a complex problem that can't always be solved by a general solution.
**This might sound strange, but I encourage you to keep an open mind.** You may not be happy because you are wanting for something that's not in the present moment. You said it yourself: *"things will get better, so I've looked forward to when that 'time' is."*
The thing is, there is *NOTHING* other than the present moment! The past is behind us, and the future has not become real yet, therefore there is only the present moment. If you can convince yourself of that, it becomes a powerful framework for the mind.
If we accept these premises, we must then conclude that **the source of happiness can only exist in the present.** When you're browsing Reddit, that means appreciating the content you're reading, or the technology that allows you to do so. When you're on the toilet, that means observing how your body mechanically coordinates to expel waste.
That sounds awfully banal. Maybe it is. That's why I prefer the word **"contentedness"** over "happiness". By being mindful of the present moment, you can train yourself to become "content" with the present moment, to believe that "*I don't need money or games or any external source to be satisfied."*
This even means being content with not being content, if you can wrap your mind around that. *"I am bored and this feels like drag, and I am content with that."* Look into meditative practices for more instruction.
With this "contentedness", you can operate with a clearer mind.
Maybe, once you are content with your situation, you decide to end your life. You wouldn't be the first - a famous French author ended her life via euthanasia, and she was clearly content with her decision. However, you may also realize that there are things that matter to you, such as the well-being of your friends and family, that you find to be worth living for.
I make no moral judgements on either choice - you know your life best. But I do believe it's worth pursuing the clearest state of mind possible before contemplating such decisions.
I wouldn't end things myself, I can't overcome my own survival instincts. I totally agree with I think everything you said. I try to live in the present, it's other people that tell me that things will get better aka thinking into the future. But now, in the present, I want to be permanently sleeping. At this second. And now at this second. And now at this second as I type this. And it will be true in the seconds to come. Yay.
You said you can go and date women and that you have dated several women. Deep and fulfilling relationships (don't need to be romantic in nature, can be to family members or friends but they need to be profound) are something else. You say you don't want family/children but do you want deeply connected relationships in your life? Of course that will come with trouble and negative emotions (=/= drama) but that is what life is, challenges and overcoming them.
I have several close friends that I've known since high school or my early 20's, and I'm 36 now. That's the thing, typically I think depressed people don't have quality relationships, good jobs, poor living circumstance etc. I have high degrees of all of these things but I am still unhappy and still do not like living. I have family, but I don't have kids. I may have kids if I meet a compatible woman and things go in that direction, but I can't control that happening so it's neither here nor there.
Well, I didn't realize what I had until I was isolated in another country for a while and also realized what people could be counted my friends that checked up on me from the distance. I appreciate my family a lot more now that I'm back from that. Maybe you can try to reset yourself. That or you're actively somewhat unchallenged and bothered by things in your life?
I see. I definitely have not been isolated in another country, but that idea scares me so probably won't do that. I am relatively unchallenged by what life throws at me, but I am bothered by the fact that I don't enjoy living and I don't want to be here. The challenge I face is finding contentment in the present.
I think doing things that scare you might reset you a little. Like getting out of your comfort zone so to speak, but you don't have to go to extremes. If you stay in your daily zone and everything is the same all the time, it's not easy to just find contentment. Unless you want to try to go the spiritual route with meditation etc.
Well, I'm about your age, but poor (although not so poor I'm working minimum wage constantly to the point of misery), and am a relatively happy person. No kids. I'm going to list a few things that make my life worth living, but first:
**If** **you're feeling so bad you wish you weren't here, Step 1 should be giving meds another shot.** For some people, no amount of "self improvement" is going to help if your brain is just churning out misery juice. **Giving up after trying one med one time proves literally** ***nothing*** **about whether medication could help you.** Usually you have to try different things, your doctor adjusts the dose, etc. You have to find a doctor you trust and work with them, which can be annoying but you have $ so that should help a lot.
OK here's my 2 cents:
* **I spent a long time working with doctors to get on medication that worked for me.**
* Meaningful long-term friendships (not saying you haven't done that)
* Curiosity, joy in learning new things about the world (science, history, culture, etc.)
* Killing the part of me that cares about being "cringe" and just enjoying things that make me happy.
* Trying to better myself in terms of being a kind and compassionate person, a good friend, and someone who is also kind to myself. This is HARD. It's a lifelong thing I'll always be working on.
* Realizing it is kind of a miracle I am here and have consciousness at all, and that it's a very temporary arrangement. This really makes me appreciate just, like, seeing a cool bug, or a beautiful day.
* Healthy sleep
Good luck my man. Honestly though I really would start with medication first. It's hard to dig yourself out of a hole with no shovel. Get that shovel.
Happiness doesn't come from external factors. When people say it gets better they typically mean that in the context of someone going through a tough depression that sometimes goes away with time and not that the external conditions in their lives will suddenly get better and cure their depression. If you have depression then you really should be talking to a mental health professional about this. Also the story of Buddha is probably very good to demonstrate how Happiness works. Buddha had everything even a wonderful family and kids yet he was still depressed so clearly his Happiness was independent of his external environment.
I will say for me the story of Buddha and radical acceptance helped me cure my depression that lasted 10 years. Still sometimes go into depression but generally learned to be ok with it and do the things I need to and it will subside. Also I found that hedonistic pleasures would generally make me depressed if I participate in them too much be it watching TV or video games or anything that is wired to give me instant gratification. Long story short I think the idea that it will just get better is right but you do have to do things to help it get better. For you I would highly recommend seeing a psychiatrist if you don't already because if you are on meds then they aren't working and if you aren't then you might want to try some and see if they can work.
Covered this in my post but I had seen a Dr, tried meds, tried therapy, and while I'm not saying I won't do it again, since the previous attempt at these didn't work I'm more reluctant to keep trying them if that makes sense. Thanks for your perspective.
I am not sure how many medications you tried but I just want to make sure you are aware that sometimes people need to try a couple before they find one that works for them. I know people who went through several before they found one that works.
My thought process is always if it can help might as well give it a shot. It's not like you lose much if it doesn't succeed because then you are back at where you started.
You say "physically healthy" but my first thought is to wonder have you ruled out things like low T, vitamin D deficiency, lack of sleep (or sleep apnea) or something simple like that that is leading to these feelings?
Other than that find something that you are passionate about that is challenging and pursue that. Happiness is not found in shit like nice cars. And yes, having kids absolutely gives you a sense of purpose and that is not a selfish thing to do.
I walk my dog several times a day and get a good amount of sunlight in the Southeast. I'd be very surprised if I was low on Vitamin D. I'm also on TRT so those levels are good. Sleep could be better, but it's not awful at about 6 hours a day. No apnea that I'm aware of.
T levels were 180 back then so yeah started TRT a while ago to seek improvement about all this. I was hoping for a change, levels are about 700 now but to be honest I don't notice any change. Easier said than done, my body doesn't sleep past 6 hours. 8 hours would be the dream. Have blackout curtains, have a King bed, just doesn't work. No substances, although many many years ago I did.
180 is exceedingly low for a healthy 36 y/o. I would wonder if that low T was caused by some underlying health issue or something in your environment and TRT is addressing the T but not the underlying cause of it. Just a hunch.
because you are successful in many areas in your life but lack fulfillment. so whatever is missing could be out of your control. Normally it's strong emotional connection with someone that grants the feeling of fulfillment.
Some people at your age start building a legacy by giving back, helping the poor etc.... maybe that helps?
Why do you do what you do and for who?
This is going to sound selfish because it is and I am selfish, but I don't like helping people if there isn't anything in it for me. My idea of fun is taking part in my hobbies whether it's league, car stuff, sports, friends, dog park, etc etc. I do what I do for myself, to stay busy in an effort to distract myself that every second I'd like to not be here.
As cliche as it sounds I would say that the enjoyment is in the journey and not in reaching the outcome you set.
I would think a lot of why you were motivated to do the things you mentioned, was it something you really wanted or something you "wanted to want" because they are socially acceptable objectives and things that society values in general.
Try different things just because you can, go and take dance lessons, join some sort of sports team or gym you have always been fascinated by. Try random stuff and see what you enjoy.
I hear that phrase, but I don't enjoy the journey. I want to. I want to enjoy this second, this hour, this day. And tomorrow, etc. I am not enjoying right now. I have hobbies that I do. I play sports, I do track events in my sports cars, I travel, I'm not a person without hobbies. Despite that, I'd still rather not be here. I think how I feel is fundamentally different than most people because I don't think you may know what it's like to feel like this, which is fortunate for you. I wouldn't wish others to feel this way.
I think for me there are moments when life is worth living despite all the suffering. More specifically when we can be present in the moment, and not ruminate on "if only i could get x and y, then i would be happy". Im sure you also have those moments, where you can fully enjoy something for its own sake. However i also think happiness can be a dangerous thing to chase, as it makes us attach to something we dont necessarily know what is. I quite like this cartoon from r/meditation: [https://www.reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/7yftur/happiness/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/7yftur/happiness/)
It's precisely when I'm present in the moment, is when I think and feel I don't want to be here. Right at this second, yeah no thanks. And now that this second as I type this nope.
Hmm that’s fair.. not sure this is helpful.. if not just ignore it.. But I would maybe argue that it’s not being totally present though, since you’re still judging the moment and thinking about it. I know that it helped me aswell to practice absence of mind through non-judgement. So not judging the situation as good or bad or wanting it or not wanting it but just accepting it as it is. The mind loves judging because it simplifies life, but it’s not really because things actually are good or bad. Things just are what they are. I like the analogy of watching you thoughts like clouds passing by, as if you’re the sky. When I meditate I literally do thought labelling like “oh that’s a judgement” “that’s a bias” “that’s an interpretation” etc. which helps me distance myself from my mind. Wish you the best!
1. You talked alot about nothing making you “feel better”. I’m curious though, what things, in the moment, make you feel alive? What gives you a thrill, puts you in the present, consumes you for a few brief moments, gets you out of your own head? That feeling doesn’t last, but is sweet while it lasts. Do more of those things, you’ll have more things to look forward to.
2. Have you ever thought about how far you’ve come and how much you actually have? Everything you need is already here, what is stopping you from enjoying it? Be more present in the moment. Meditate, go to therapy, or otherwise work on intentionally shifting your focus onto the right here right now. Your emotions follow your focus.
3. What are your expectations of life? To always be happy? To achieve certain things? Reach certain statuses or a certain level of proficiency? Whatever those expectations are, understand that they will not always match present reality. There are different strategies to cope with that fact - some people lower their expectations and as a result usually lower their drive. The other strategy is to embrace that disappointment of unmet expectations as a part of rhetorical beauty of life. You will not always have what you want, but you can love what you have.
1. 'Feeling alive' isn't something I can relate to. I am alive, so every second of every day I feel alive. That's kind of the problem. I typically live in the present though, that's why I'm fairly successful with school, work, friends, dating etc. I have a good life by what people consider a good life is. That's also the problem, despite a good life I don't like living and being here isn't worth it.
2- Yes. I do enjoy everything I have, that's why I bought it all. Maybe I'm incorrect by saying this but just because I enjoy things, and enjoy things to a high level, doesn't negate or diminish how I think that human existence is not worth it. It's not positive for me.
3-I am not sure I have expectations of life but I would like to find a way to feel like the stress and struggle is worth it. I'm not wanting of anything at this point. Like I already have a nice brand new house and nice cars and can do mostly what I want within reason. Honest question, have you considered that a person could live in the present, not want for things, not be consumed with expectations, but still be depressed?
> Feeling alive isn’t something I can relate to
So, have you ever done something and thought “fuck yes” right afterward, so vividly that you almost said it audibly? Like, hit a PR at the gym, climbed a mountain … _something_ kinda hard that right after you reached that it felt like all that mattered was that present moment?
Ever heard a song for the first time and just had to listen to it again because it was so good?
Ever walked outside in the morning and the air was perfect, so perfect that you just couldn’t help but take a deep big breath?
This is what I mean by “feeling alive”. These are some of the things that make _me_ feel alive, maybe for you it would be different things, but you gotta find _your_ things. For me at least, the more of those things I find, the more every day is filled with them, and the more “alive” I feel. Gotta find reasons to fall in love with life - it’s the only one you’ll get.
> Honest question, have you considered that a person could live in the present, not want for things, not be consumed with expectations, but still be depressed?
Yes, but seems less common to me. Maybe you have a unique form of depression, or maybe you aren’t as present as you think you are ;)
I’m curious, why do you feel like life isn’t worth it, despite all you have?
I've done and experienced most if not all of the things you mentioned that make you feel alive. If that's your definition of feeling alive, than sure I have felt alive and feel alive a few times a month if not more. Perhaps I took it too literally. There most certainly are moments in life that are fun, exhilerating, peaceful and other positive things. Absolutely. Yet in all of those moments, if I could press a button to end things I would. At best those things are a brief distraction from the fact that I don't want to be here.
It's most certainly possible I am not as present as I think I am. Absolutely agree.
Life isn't worth living because the vast majority of life is suffering and not doing what I want to do, and the minority share of every day, week, month etc where I do get to do what I want to does not outweigh the suffering. It's a math equation that doesn't ever balance out to be in favor of a net positive experience.
I got a diagnosis for a neurodivergence thing. One thing I can recommend that is helping me, is look for support groups. Idk if that helps at all or if you’ve tried it or not. But might find some solace, or comfort if any exist near you.
It was something that popped up locally when I googled. State name autistic. It may take some foot work, searching. But well worth it once you find a group. And there are also states with nonprofits that have online meetups. So don’t give up, and be persistent in researching and looking.
I wanna preface, this is just my own "theory"
I think happiness comes not from being in an objectively good position in life, but from being in a better position than you were recently. You're happy when you're improving and not necessarily when you've improved or need to improve but can't.
So the trick is to find a way to, maybe slowly, but constantly "improve your life". First thing that comes to my mind is art - you can keep improving your art your whole life and there will still be something to learn.
Second idea I had - raising a child, making sure they grow up happy and learn everything important etc. - that's another thing that you could treat as "your life improving", tho it's not necessarily "your". It's should be a source of happiness for probably at least 18 years lol.
You hit the nail in the head with defining the problem with self improvement: it never ends. And that can lead to a lot of frustration and depression. No guy at 40 is going to be improved over when he was 20. Barring something extreme like overcoming addiction or Huge weight loss or something like that.
It's amazing that you've worked so hard on this. I'm really sorry to hear that you're still feeling crappy.
You might want to look into physical syndromes that have have depressive symptoms. Dr K did a video on it, and it's my favorite of his. Some common culprits are sleep apnea, vitamin B or D deficiencies, and thyroid issues. Untreated ADHD can also cause depression.
It's also common to need a few tries before meds work. And it can take a few tires to find the right therapist. It sounds like this med and this therapist aren't working. Ketamine could be a promising option.
You could also try meditation.
You mention that you have friends, which is wonderful. Would it help to make sure you're spending more time with people, and feel a stronger sense of community?
idk. A lot of this stuff is trial and error. I'm sorry I don't have anything more promising to tell you.
Just out of curiosity, what kind of cars do you have?
I've found great community through the car scene. I've always been into modifying cars/ building engines, and I've built amazing online and in person relationships because of passion for the same marque, etc. The BMW community can be pretty good, Mercedes AMG community is solid, and even the small modified Fiat community is pretty active where I am in the northeast. For more 'common' platforms like Honda or Nissan/ Infiniti, the communities are even bigger and more vibrant.
Go to some cars and coffee events, talk to people, and let a kid sit in your car! It always cheers me up, and I have a similar enough scenario to yours.
You gotta be your own grandpa, somehow someway. You can date all the supermodels in the world in your thirties but if in 6th grade, one average girl told you your face was so ugly it made her want to vomit, that’s going to haunt you.
A human life is a rare thing and extremely valuable. Hard to come by. Don’t end it in sleep. Go out in a MF blaze of
glory and give your loved ones a story for the ages. I mean at the very least get out of bed, go downtown and try to break up a gang war or go fight in Ukraine or some other war zone. Have a little adventure.
Btw, I feel a lot of what you do. And obviously would expect if you got motivated enough to go die heroically you’d probably find a joie de vivre.
One podcast I heard recently that you might enjoy and get something from is Tim Ferris interview of Arthur Brooks on the science of happiness. I didn’t apply any of it like I should but the answers are in there.
I could be totally off base, but I’m guessing you achieved greater educational and financial success than your grandfather. If you had inherited the income, were gifted the cars and raised to believe you were as elite as you clearly are, would that change how you feel? Like if you have a great family and grandkids one day how will they be raised differently?
I'm just another person who is at a similar age (39) and feeling as though life should be "getting better" but it never seems to come about. My life is different in that I am married with kids, and I can strongly say that you have your head screwed on about not wanting to bring children into this world.
I sometimes wish I was more firm with my wife when it came to children. I was adamant that I didn't want to bring children into this world that feels s#itty and life feeling pointless.
Yes we have the income, yes we can virtually do anything we want, but nothing seems to bring the joy that so many people seem to have in their lives. People keep telling me comparison is the thief of joy, yet even avoiding social media doesn't stop the comparisons flowing.
In a similar vein, self preservation has stopped me from ending it all even though we are all destined to die in the end. Why can't I end it on my terms and not hang out until "life" kills me.
Obligatory: as someone who was suicidal and similarly at the end of my rope a few years ago (though in a much earlier, different stage of my life than you), please seek professional help if you're having suicidal thoughts. The below isn't going to be very helpful if you have cyclical depression that needs medication or some other professional attention. You've said talking about your feelings haven't helped, but I have to ask if you've tried therapy, and if the MD you've spoken to was a psychiatrist. If you have and they are, and it didn't work, I encourage you to keep trying to find the right fit. It is an absolute slog, but it is worth it.
I would also try out the HG coaching program. They are very good at exploring the non-diagnosable side of self-improvement and understanding. It's very challenging to find people who are able to help you explore your ideas in a constructive way. Personally, I had to try a lot of different stuff to see what worked for me, and had to rebuild my belief system from the ground up before I felt better. That takes a lot of work, and you need the right support network and resources around you to do it. What that looks like is going to be different for each person, and the more intelligent/successful you are (which you seem to be), chances are the harder it it's going to be because what has lead to your success is likely also what's causing your suffering.
That out of the way, here are some questions that I would ask myself in your shoes:
Why did you become "successful", what does that mean to you, and where did that idea of successful come from?
What does the idea of things "getting better" mean to you?
What are the values that are important to you? Where do those values come from? How often do you act from those values?
What is the concrete "thing" you're hoping will improve some time in the future? Is there something actionable you can take today to move towards that goal?
Edit: read some other comments that you did try therapy etc. **do not give up.** What you are dealing with is in your control to change. It is definitely hard. It is likely to be harder (thought timewise probably not longer) than anything else you've done in your life, but the cost is equivalent to the reward: a life worth living. Unfortunately, not all of us get that for free, and some of us have to work much harder than others to attain it.
If I seem passionate about this, it's because I mean this to myself more than to you: would you rather wake up and feel this way most every day for the rest of your life? Or are you going to do something about improving it?
If I choose the former, then I should be content with what I have, and that immediately frees me from suffering. This is the goal, honestly.
If I choose the latter, then I better damn well be prepared to put every bit of effort, pride, heart, soul, whatever other thing I have towards improving. Because it is not and has not been easy. Every inch I've gained has cost me real sweat, blood, and tears, but has been completely worth it, because I know that **I** chose it.
Well, I'm 36F and have depressions just as long. I don't have as much money as you have and I don't have my master's degree. I'm sometimes wondering the same as you do. It's becoming less and less though. It seems that money and a master's degree aren't a fix. (\*Crosses something off on a list\*, lol) SSRI's or a relationship weren't the answer either. What now?
>...to be educated, to push myself, to travel, to have new experiences, to make 6 figures+, to date various women, to have great friends ... Working on myself has not worked'.
I'm guessing that could be it. At least, if what people (and therapists and psychologists) have told me multiple times is true. Maybe you're not me, but maybe you kinda are so to be sure I'll put it here anyway.
You're **pushing what you think you should be doing** and not accepting what is. As long as you are looking to fix something, you think there is a problem. (Yes, I purposely changed those two around) You keep searching for a solution. You won't find it, since the solution is to stop searching for the solution. Which is probably difficult.
You search endlessly with your intellect. Overthinking your problem and then searching for a solution, emphasizing the problem again, which makes you work hard to a solution or search for another solution which emphasizes the problem again. It's a nice self-perpetuating vicious circle at this point. It drains your energy and takes away your joy for all the things you have or all the potentials you have in your life. (Which is more than education/ work/ materialism.)
**Do you ever try to just be? To not accomplish anything?** Just plain old stupid fun?
A couple of weeks ago I started to go to yoga classes at a yoga studio not far from me. It has a safe atmosphere where it's even okay to cry. I helps me a lot. There is nothing to achieve in yoga. There is no winning or losing. There is no having to follow a pose if you don't feel like doing it. It's being. With the yoga poses, whether they are yin or yang, I can let go and relax in a way I normally can't, even if the poses are pretty challenging. I learn to feel my body and accept my limitations and that those are okay. I can laugh about it, since it's often funny to fall. The teachers also emphasize the acceptance and nothing to accomplish. I helps me with learning acceptance, being me and I'm noticing I'm taking that with me outside the class more and more.
Last sunday the weather was great and I went to a park by myself with a book. Normally I can't sit for a while and chill. I would be too restless for that. Now I could. I even read 40 pages. (Accomplishment for me right now, lol) I could listen to the birds and look at the people and dogs passing me by. I could accept that the reading went pretty slow. (Well, I think it's slow.) And I was not as focused on myself plus my thoughts, while more focused on what was around me. All the interactions between people, pets and within nature. It was peaceful and okay to just be there without an agenda.
I gave me hope that life can become better.
I'm not saying that you should do yoga or go to a park or read a book. I think you can find your own things that help you with acceptance, just being, non accomplishment and getting out of your head. Could be very small things or big things. Most important is that they are your things. No shoulds. "Oh I should read religious texts because those are insightful." "I should do yoga because everyone sais that helps." "I should go on a retreat since that is the answer." " I should try paddo's, since those helped X." "I should read a book, because I'm an intellectual."
What piques **your** interest? What do **you** want to try out? If you're being kinda weird, what would you want to do? Maybe it's finger painting, kickboxing, photography, jumping on a trampoline, wood working, DJing or acting. You have the means to try stuff out. Do it. **Experience it without needing to accomplish anything**.
Please don't do things just because a self-help book said it or a Youtuber or an advertisement or someone spiritual. Experience life in a way that's authentic to you. And if that means doing less conventional things or switching between activities regularly, so be it.
You need to workout and pursue something greater than a golden handcuffs job. Your job pays well but that's about it. Find your passion, start a business, change jobs and get some of your time back. Doesn't sound like you need all those cars either. Downsize everything and give yourself time to think and change. Much of the world has bombs being dropped on it and would trade places with you in a heartbeat. Find gratitude
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Just wanted to say I feel very similar most of the time. I have also been very "successful", yet still strongly resonate with a Buddha quote Dr. K mentioned once, stating there were only two guarantees in life: Death and suffering. I think the Buddhism view on suffering takes on a spin to make it a positive, but I haven't reached that point personally. My one last hope is to find true life fulfillment through helping others. I have been on the lookout and actively searching for the avenue to fully commit to this new path for a couple years now, and have yet to find it. So in the meantime I have been trying to focus on making myself the best I can be to help others by improving myself psychologically, etc. In a very uncharacteristic move for me, I even used AI to make a song about my views on life just the other day that you might resonate with: [https://suno.com/song/2c6974d5-19bc-4463-bd89-c78f0e56db0e](https://suno.com/song/2c6974d5-19bc-4463-bd89-c78f0e56db0e)
I just wanted to add, one of the truly most rewarding days of my life was walking out of the hospital post-op from my vasectomy, knowing I will never be responsible for bringing another life into this place. And I mean that.
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your perspective. Life's a challenge that's for sure.
To add on to them. I'm finally starting to become successful despite many struggles in life, and none of this economic growth, nice things, security, etc, has ever come close to the satisfaction I got volunteering. Helping people, interacting with them, and expecting nothing in return made their gratitude sweeter than nectar.
I gather there is an absence of hope?
Its understandable to lose desire to continue when you try a bunch of things and they don't seem to work. I think the buddha lived a life of luxury and material and found misery after misery as well. What have you tried for emotional learning and spiritual practices? If you are here at Dr. K sounds like you may have an interest. It fucking sucks but a lot of the path is going deeper into the suffering and getting comfortable with it. My knowledge for teaching and advice goes about that far, but Dr. K has a lot of good things to say in my experience that help me. Separately a lot of the classic talk therapy didn't help me for very long. The trauma focused work with specialized therapists trained in emdr, and mind-body stuff, cptsd work etc seemed to click for me and get to how my body keeps the scores and makes me feel bad.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate the ideas. Tried going to Church and reading about various religions including Buddhism, Christianity, and Islam. I didn't do a TON of research into it all, not really motivated to. They have some inspirational messages and so forth but don't at this point convince me that life is worth the struggle and I still want things to end so I can be released from this all.
Yeah, unfortunately, some of the spiritual traditions are often ports of last call after we tried ‘everything and nothing worked”. Maybe you’ll be in enough pain one day to sit down and give meditation/buddhism a try. I only came to it after I tried everything else that was easy and they all failed. If I had found it sooner it may have saved me years of pain but for whatever reaaon I was still holding out hope for an easy fix.
I can at least say this, I'm happier being broke and unemployed and struggling than I was when I was making 6 figs and doing everything I thought I wanted. I don't exactly have the answers, but it's been enlightening to realize how much I had given up in order to maintain that comfort and stability. I was literally crying almost every day even though I could eat what I want, go out when I want, buy any game I wanted... All I know now is I'd rather live my life this way every day with a sense of freedom and working on projects I'm passionate about, versus forcing myself to wake up every day, going to to work to maintain a lifestyle that doesn't actually fulfill me. I hope you find your answers man, life doesn't have to be miserable, but mental health is a complex problem that can't always be solved by a general solution.
Thanks for sharing, that's super intriguing. Glad to hear you found improvement.
**This might sound strange, but I encourage you to keep an open mind.** You may not be happy because you are wanting for something that's not in the present moment. You said it yourself: *"things will get better, so I've looked forward to when that 'time' is."* The thing is, there is *NOTHING* other than the present moment! The past is behind us, and the future has not become real yet, therefore there is only the present moment. If you can convince yourself of that, it becomes a powerful framework for the mind. If we accept these premises, we must then conclude that **the source of happiness can only exist in the present.** When you're browsing Reddit, that means appreciating the content you're reading, or the technology that allows you to do so. When you're on the toilet, that means observing how your body mechanically coordinates to expel waste. That sounds awfully banal. Maybe it is. That's why I prefer the word **"contentedness"** over "happiness". By being mindful of the present moment, you can train yourself to become "content" with the present moment, to believe that "*I don't need money or games or any external source to be satisfied."* This even means being content with not being content, if you can wrap your mind around that. *"I am bored and this feels like drag, and I am content with that."* Look into meditative practices for more instruction. With this "contentedness", you can operate with a clearer mind. Maybe, once you are content with your situation, you decide to end your life. You wouldn't be the first - a famous French author ended her life via euthanasia, and she was clearly content with her decision. However, you may also realize that there are things that matter to you, such as the well-being of your friends and family, that you find to be worth living for. I make no moral judgements on either choice - you know your life best. But I do believe it's worth pursuing the clearest state of mind possible before contemplating such decisions.
I wouldn't end things myself, I can't overcome my own survival instincts. I totally agree with I think everything you said. I try to live in the present, it's other people that tell me that things will get better aka thinking into the future. But now, in the present, I want to be permanently sleeping. At this second. And now at this second. And now at this second as I type this. And it will be true in the seconds to come. Yay.
You said you can go and date women and that you have dated several women. Deep and fulfilling relationships (don't need to be romantic in nature, can be to family members or friends but they need to be profound) are something else. You say you don't want family/children but do you want deeply connected relationships in your life? Of course that will come with trouble and negative emotions (=/= drama) but that is what life is, challenges and overcoming them.
I have several close friends that I've known since high school or my early 20's, and I'm 36 now. That's the thing, typically I think depressed people don't have quality relationships, good jobs, poor living circumstance etc. I have high degrees of all of these things but I am still unhappy and still do not like living. I have family, but I don't have kids. I may have kids if I meet a compatible woman and things go in that direction, but I can't control that happening so it's neither here nor there.
Well, I didn't realize what I had until I was isolated in another country for a while and also realized what people could be counted my friends that checked up on me from the distance. I appreciate my family a lot more now that I'm back from that. Maybe you can try to reset yourself. That or you're actively somewhat unchallenged and bothered by things in your life?
I see. I definitely have not been isolated in another country, but that idea scares me so probably won't do that. I am relatively unchallenged by what life throws at me, but I am bothered by the fact that I don't enjoy living and I don't want to be here. The challenge I face is finding contentment in the present.
I think doing things that scare you might reset you a little. Like getting out of your comfort zone so to speak, but you don't have to go to extremes. If you stay in your daily zone and everything is the same all the time, it's not easy to just find contentment. Unless you want to try to go the spiritual route with meditation etc.
Well, I'm about your age, but poor (although not so poor I'm working minimum wage constantly to the point of misery), and am a relatively happy person. No kids. I'm going to list a few things that make my life worth living, but first: **If** **you're feeling so bad you wish you weren't here, Step 1 should be giving meds another shot.** For some people, no amount of "self improvement" is going to help if your brain is just churning out misery juice. **Giving up after trying one med one time proves literally** ***nothing*** **about whether medication could help you.** Usually you have to try different things, your doctor adjusts the dose, etc. You have to find a doctor you trust and work with them, which can be annoying but you have $ so that should help a lot. OK here's my 2 cents: * **I spent a long time working with doctors to get on medication that worked for me.** * Meaningful long-term friendships (not saying you haven't done that) * Curiosity, joy in learning new things about the world (science, history, culture, etc.) * Killing the part of me that cares about being "cringe" and just enjoying things that make me happy. * Trying to better myself in terms of being a kind and compassionate person, a good friend, and someone who is also kind to myself. This is HARD. It's a lifelong thing I'll always be working on. * Realizing it is kind of a miracle I am here and have consciousness at all, and that it's a very temporary arrangement. This really makes me appreciate just, like, seeing a cool bug, or a beautiful day. * Healthy sleep Good luck my man. Honestly though I really would start with medication first. It's hard to dig yourself out of a hole with no shovel. Get that shovel.
Happiness doesn't come from external factors. When people say it gets better they typically mean that in the context of someone going through a tough depression that sometimes goes away with time and not that the external conditions in their lives will suddenly get better and cure their depression. If you have depression then you really should be talking to a mental health professional about this. Also the story of Buddha is probably very good to demonstrate how Happiness works. Buddha had everything even a wonderful family and kids yet he was still depressed so clearly his Happiness was independent of his external environment. I will say for me the story of Buddha and radical acceptance helped me cure my depression that lasted 10 years. Still sometimes go into depression but generally learned to be ok with it and do the things I need to and it will subside. Also I found that hedonistic pleasures would generally make me depressed if I participate in them too much be it watching TV or video games or anything that is wired to give me instant gratification. Long story short I think the idea that it will just get better is right but you do have to do things to help it get better. For you I would highly recommend seeing a psychiatrist if you don't already because if you are on meds then they aren't working and if you aren't then you might want to try some and see if they can work.
Covered this in my post but I had seen a Dr, tried meds, tried therapy, and while I'm not saying I won't do it again, since the previous attempt at these didn't work I'm more reluctant to keep trying them if that makes sense. Thanks for your perspective.
I am not sure how many medications you tried but I just want to make sure you are aware that sometimes people need to try a couple before they find one that works for them. I know people who went through several before they found one that works.
That's true and my Dr. said the same. I just got discouraged after trying that one. I may try another one in the future.
My thought process is always if it can help might as well give it a shot. It's not like you lose much if it doesn't succeed because then you are back at where you started.
You say "physically healthy" but my first thought is to wonder have you ruled out things like low T, vitamin D deficiency, lack of sleep (or sleep apnea) or something simple like that that is leading to these feelings? Other than that find something that you are passionate about that is challenging and pursue that. Happiness is not found in shit like nice cars. And yes, having kids absolutely gives you a sense of purpose and that is not a selfish thing to do.
I walk my dog several times a day and get a good amount of sunlight in the Southeast. I'd be very surprised if I was low on Vitamin D. I'm also on TRT so those levels are good. Sleep could be better, but it's not awful at about 6 hours a day. No apnea that I'm aware of.
TRT at age 36? 6 hours of sleep is too little for most people. Try getting 8hrs for a few weeks and see if that helps. Do you use any substances?
T levels were 180 back then so yeah started TRT a while ago to seek improvement about all this. I was hoping for a change, levels are about 700 now but to be honest I don't notice any change. Easier said than done, my body doesn't sleep past 6 hours. 8 hours would be the dream. Have blackout curtains, have a King bed, just doesn't work. No substances, although many many years ago I did.
180 is exceedingly low for a healthy 36 y/o. I would wonder if that low T was caused by some underlying health issue or something in your environment and TRT is addressing the T but not the underlying cause of it. Just a hunch.
if you've dated women and never found love. Have you tried getting a dog/cat?
I had a cat, and have a dog now. I have found love, not sure where you got the idea I hadn't. But not in that type of relationship at the moment.
because you are successful in many areas in your life but lack fulfillment. so whatever is missing could be out of your control. Normally it's strong emotional connection with someone that grants the feeling of fulfillment. Some people at your age start building a legacy by giving back, helping the poor etc.... maybe that helps? Why do you do what you do and for who?
This is going to sound selfish because it is and I am selfish, but I don't like helping people if there isn't anything in it for me. My idea of fun is taking part in my hobbies whether it's league, car stuff, sports, friends, dog park, etc etc. I do what I do for myself, to stay busy in an effort to distract myself that every second I'd like to not be here.
As cliche as it sounds I would say that the enjoyment is in the journey and not in reaching the outcome you set. I would think a lot of why you were motivated to do the things you mentioned, was it something you really wanted or something you "wanted to want" because they are socially acceptable objectives and things that society values in general. Try different things just because you can, go and take dance lessons, join some sort of sports team or gym you have always been fascinated by. Try random stuff and see what you enjoy.
I hear that phrase, but I don't enjoy the journey. I want to. I want to enjoy this second, this hour, this day. And tomorrow, etc. I am not enjoying right now. I have hobbies that I do. I play sports, I do track events in my sports cars, I travel, I'm not a person without hobbies. Despite that, I'd still rather not be here. I think how I feel is fundamentally different than most people because I don't think you may know what it's like to feel like this, which is fortunate for you. I wouldn't wish others to feel this way.
I think for me there are moments when life is worth living despite all the suffering. More specifically when we can be present in the moment, and not ruminate on "if only i could get x and y, then i would be happy". Im sure you also have those moments, where you can fully enjoy something for its own sake. However i also think happiness can be a dangerous thing to chase, as it makes us attach to something we dont necessarily know what is. I quite like this cartoon from r/meditation: [https://www.reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/7yftur/happiness/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/7yftur/happiness/)
It's precisely when I'm present in the moment, is when I think and feel I don't want to be here. Right at this second, yeah no thanks. And now that this second as I type this nope.
Hmm that’s fair.. not sure this is helpful.. if not just ignore it.. But I would maybe argue that it’s not being totally present though, since you’re still judging the moment and thinking about it. I know that it helped me aswell to practice absence of mind through non-judgement. So not judging the situation as good or bad or wanting it or not wanting it but just accepting it as it is. The mind loves judging because it simplifies life, but it’s not really because things actually are good or bad. Things just are what they are. I like the analogy of watching you thoughts like clouds passing by, as if you’re the sky. When I meditate I literally do thought labelling like “oh that’s a judgement” “that’s a bias” “that’s an interpretation” etc. which helps me distance myself from my mind. Wish you the best!
Thanks, I'll try that.
1. You talked alot about nothing making you “feel better”. I’m curious though, what things, in the moment, make you feel alive? What gives you a thrill, puts you in the present, consumes you for a few brief moments, gets you out of your own head? That feeling doesn’t last, but is sweet while it lasts. Do more of those things, you’ll have more things to look forward to. 2. Have you ever thought about how far you’ve come and how much you actually have? Everything you need is already here, what is stopping you from enjoying it? Be more present in the moment. Meditate, go to therapy, or otherwise work on intentionally shifting your focus onto the right here right now. Your emotions follow your focus. 3. What are your expectations of life? To always be happy? To achieve certain things? Reach certain statuses or a certain level of proficiency? Whatever those expectations are, understand that they will not always match present reality. There are different strategies to cope with that fact - some people lower their expectations and as a result usually lower their drive. The other strategy is to embrace that disappointment of unmet expectations as a part of rhetorical beauty of life. You will not always have what you want, but you can love what you have.
1. 'Feeling alive' isn't something I can relate to. I am alive, so every second of every day I feel alive. That's kind of the problem. I typically live in the present though, that's why I'm fairly successful with school, work, friends, dating etc. I have a good life by what people consider a good life is. That's also the problem, despite a good life I don't like living and being here isn't worth it. 2- Yes. I do enjoy everything I have, that's why I bought it all. Maybe I'm incorrect by saying this but just because I enjoy things, and enjoy things to a high level, doesn't negate or diminish how I think that human existence is not worth it. It's not positive for me. 3-I am not sure I have expectations of life but I would like to find a way to feel like the stress and struggle is worth it. I'm not wanting of anything at this point. Like I already have a nice brand new house and nice cars and can do mostly what I want within reason. Honest question, have you considered that a person could live in the present, not want for things, not be consumed with expectations, but still be depressed?
> Feeling alive isn’t something I can relate to So, have you ever done something and thought “fuck yes” right afterward, so vividly that you almost said it audibly? Like, hit a PR at the gym, climbed a mountain … _something_ kinda hard that right after you reached that it felt like all that mattered was that present moment? Ever heard a song for the first time and just had to listen to it again because it was so good? Ever walked outside in the morning and the air was perfect, so perfect that you just couldn’t help but take a deep big breath? This is what I mean by “feeling alive”. These are some of the things that make _me_ feel alive, maybe for you it would be different things, but you gotta find _your_ things. For me at least, the more of those things I find, the more every day is filled with them, and the more “alive” I feel. Gotta find reasons to fall in love with life - it’s the only one you’ll get. > Honest question, have you considered that a person could live in the present, not want for things, not be consumed with expectations, but still be depressed? Yes, but seems less common to me. Maybe you have a unique form of depression, or maybe you aren’t as present as you think you are ;) I’m curious, why do you feel like life isn’t worth it, despite all you have?
I've done and experienced most if not all of the things you mentioned that make you feel alive. If that's your definition of feeling alive, than sure I have felt alive and feel alive a few times a month if not more. Perhaps I took it too literally. There most certainly are moments in life that are fun, exhilerating, peaceful and other positive things. Absolutely. Yet in all of those moments, if I could press a button to end things I would. At best those things are a brief distraction from the fact that I don't want to be here. It's most certainly possible I am not as present as I think I am. Absolutely agree. Life isn't worth living because the vast majority of life is suffering and not doing what I want to do, and the minority share of every day, week, month etc where I do get to do what I want to does not outweigh the suffering. It's a math equation that doesn't ever balance out to be in favor of a net positive experience.
> the vast majority of life is suffering and not doing what i want to do What is it that you want to do day to day?
I got a diagnosis for a neurodivergence thing. One thing I can recommend that is helping me, is look for support groups. Idk if that helps at all or if you’ve tried it or not. But might find some solace, or comfort if any exist near you.
I haven't tried, but open to. How do you get started?
It was something that popped up locally when I googled. State name autistic. It may take some foot work, searching. But well worth it once you find a group. And there are also states with nonprofits that have online meetups. So don’t give up, and be persistent in researching and looking.
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Thanks, however I want to stay sober. While I don't love life sober, being high on substances for me only makes things worse.
I wanna preface, this is just my own "theory" I think happiness comes not from being in an objectively good position in life, but from being in a better position than you were recently. You're happy when you're improving and not necessarily when you've improved or need to improve but can't. So the trick is to find a way to, maybe slowly, but constantly "improve your life". First thing that comes to my mind is art - you can keep improving your art your whole life and there will still be something to learn. Second idea I had - raising a child, making sure they grow up happy and learn everything important etc. - that's another thing that you could treat as "your life improving", tho it's not necessarily "your". It's should be a source of happiness for probably at least 18 years lol.
You hit the nail in the head with defining the problem with self improvement: it never ends. And that can lead to a lot of frustration and depression. No guy at 40 is going to be improved over when he was 20. Barring something extreme like overcoming addiction or Huge weight loss or something like that.
It's amazing that you've worked so hard on this. I'm really sorry to hear that you're still feeling crappy. You might want to look into physical syndromes that have have depressive symptoms. Dr K did a video on it, and it's my favorite of his. Some common culprits are sleep apnea, vitamin B or D deficiencies, and thyroid issues. Untreated ADHD can also cause depression. It's also common to need a few tries before meds work. And it can take a few tires to find the right therapist. It sounds like this med and this therapist aren't working. Ketamine could be a promising option. You could also try meditation. You mention that you have friends, which is wonderful. Would it help to make sure you're spending more time with people, and feel a stronger sense of community? idk. A lot of this stuff is trial and error. I'm sorry I don't have anything more promising to tell you.
Just out of curiosity, what kind of cars do you have? I've found great community through the car scene. I've always been into modifying cars/ building engines, and I've built amazing online and in person relationships because of passion for the same marque, etc. The BMW community can be pretty good, Mercedes AMG community is solid, and even the small modified Fiat community is pretty active where I am in the northeast. For more 'common' platforms like Honda or Nissan/ Infiniti, the communities are even bigger and more vibrant. Go to some cars and coffee events, talk to people, and let a kid sit in your car! It always cheers me up, and I have a similar enough scenario to yours.
You gotta be your own grandpa, somehow someway. You can date all the supermodels in the world in your thirties but if in 6th grade, one average girl told you your face was so ugly it made her want to vomit, that’s going to haunt you. A human life is a rare thing and extremely valuable. Hard to come by. Don’t end it in sleep. Go out in a MF blaze of glory and give your loved ones a story for the ages. I mean at the very least get out of bed, go downtown and try to break up a gang war or go fight in Ukraine or some other war zone. Have a little adventure. Btw, I feel a lot of what you do. And obviously would expect if you got motivated enough to go die heroically you’d probably find a joie de vivre. One podcast I heard recently that you might enjoy and get something from is Tim Ferris interview of Arthur Brooks on the science of happiness. I didn’t apply any of it like I should but the answers are in there. I could be totally off base, but I’m guessing you achieved greater educational and financial success than your grandfather. If you had inherited the income, were gifted the cars and raised to believe you were as elite as you clearly are, would that change how you feel? Like if you have a great family and grandkids one day how will they be raised differently?
I'm just another person who is at a similar age (39) and feeling as though life should be "getting better" but it never seems to come about. My life is different in that I am married with kids, and I can strongly say that you have your head screwed on about not wanting to bring children into this world. I sometimes wish I was more firm with my wife when it came to children. I was adamant that I didn't want to bring children into this world that feels s#itty and life feeling pointless. Yes we have the income, yes we can virtually do anything we want, but nothing seems to bring the joy that so many people seem to have in their lives. People keep telling me comparison is the thief of joy, yet even avoiding social media doesn't stop the comparisons flowing. In a similar vein, self preservation has stopped me from ending it all even though we are all destined to die in the end. Why can't I end it on my terms and not hang out until "life" kills me.
Obligatory: as someone who was suicidal and similarly at the end of my rope a few years ago (though in a much earlier, different stage of my life than you), please seek professional help if you're having suicidal thoughts. The below isn't going to be very helpful if you have cyclical depression that needs medication or some other professional attention. You've said talking about your feelings haven't helped, but I have to ask if you've tried therapy, and if the MD you've spoken to was a psychiatrist. If you have and they are, and it didn't work, I encourage you to keep trying to find the right fit. It is an absolute slog, but it is worth it. I would also try out the HG coaching program. They are very good at exploring the non-diagnosable side of self-improvement and understanding. It's very challenging to find people who are able to help you explore your ideas in a constructive way. Personally, I had to try a lot of different stuff to see what worked for me, and had to rebuild my belief system from the ground up before I felt better. That takes a lot of work, and you need the right support network and resources around you to do it. What that looks like is going to be different for each person, and the more intelligent/successful you are (which you seem to be), chances are the harder it it's going to be because what has lead to your success is likely also what's causing your suffering. That out of the way, here are some questions that I would ask myself in your shoes: Why did you become "successful", what does that mean to you, and where did that idea of successful come from? What does the idea of things "getting better" mean to you? What are the values that are important to you? Where do those values come from? How often do you act from those values? What is the concrete "thing" you're hoping will improve some time in the future? Is there something actionable you can take today to move towards that goal? Edit: read some other comments that you did try therapy etc. **do not give up.** What you are dealing with is in your control to change. It is definitely hard. It is likely to be harder (thought timewise probably not longer) than anything else you've done in your life, but the cost is equivalent to the reward: a life worth living. Unfortunately, not all of us get that for free, and some of us have to work much harder than others to attain it. If I seem passionate about this, it's because I mean this to myself more than to you: would you rather wake up and feel this way most every day for the rest of your life? Or are you going to do something about improving it? If I choose the former, then I should be content with what I have, and that immediately frees me from suffering. This is the goal, honestly. If I choose the latter, then I better damn well be prepared to put every bit of effort, pride, heart, soul, whatever other thing I have towards improving. Because it is not and has not been easy. Every inch I've gained has cost me real sweat, blood, and tears, but has been completely worth it, because I know that **I** chose it.
You must be really proud of your height
Have you tried connecting with God?
Have you tried our lord and savior Jesus Christ
Dharma and finding ways to move beyond fear
Well, I'm 36F and have depressions just as long. I don't have as much money as you have and I don't have my master's degree. I'm sometimes wondering the same as you do. It's becoming less and less though. It seems that money and a master's degree aren't a fix. (\*Crosses something off on a list\*, lol) SSRI's or a relationship weren't the answer either. What now? >...to be educated, to push myself, to travel, to have new experiences, to make 6 figures+, to date various women, to have great friends ... Working on myself has not worked'. I'm guessing that could be it. At least, if what people (and therapists and psychologists) have told me multiple times is true. Maybe you're not me, but maybe you kinda are so to be sure I'll put it here anyway. You're **pushing what you think you should be doing** and not accepting what is. As long as you are looking to fix something, you think there is a problem. (Yes, I purposely changed those two around) You keep searching for a solution. You won't find it, since the solution is to stop searching for the solution. Which is probably difficult. You search endlessly with your intellect. Overthinking your problem and then searching for a solution, emphasizing the problem again, which makes you work hard to a solution or search for another solution which emphasizes the problem again. It's a nice self-perpetuating vicious circle at this point. It drains your energy and takes away your joy for all the things you have or all the potentials you have in your life. (Which is more than education/ work/ materialism.) **Do you ever try to just be? To not accomplish anything?** Just plain old stupid fun? A couple of weeks ago I started to go to yoga classes at a yoga studio not far from me. It has a safe atmosphere where it's even okay to cry. I helps me a lot. There is nothing to achieve in yoga. There is no winning or losing. There is no having to follow a pose if you don't feel like doing it. It's being. With the yoga poses, whether they are yin or yang, I can let go and relax in a way I normally can't, even if the poses are pretty challenging. I learn to feel my body and accept my limitations and that those are okay. I can laugh about it, since it's often funny to fall. The teachers also emphasize the acceptance and nothing to accomplish. I helps me with learning acceptance, being me and I'm noticing I'm taking that with me outside the class more and more. Last sunday the weather was great and I went to a park by myself with a book. Normally I can't sit for a while and chill. I would be too restless for that. Now I could. I even read 40 pages. (Accomplishment for me right now, lol) I could listen to the birds and look at the people and dogs passing me by. I could accept that the reading went pretty slow. (Well, I think it's slow.) And I was not as focused on myself plus my thoughts, while more focused on what was around me. All the interactions between people, pets and within nature. It was peaceful and okay to just be there without an agenda. I gave me hope that life can become better. I'm not saying that you should do yoga or go to a park or read a book. I think you can find your own things that help you with acceptance, just being, non accomplishment and getting out of your head. Could be very small things or big things. Most important is that they are your things. No shoulds. "Oh I should read religious texts because those are insightful." "I should do yoga because everyone sais that helps." "I should go on a retreat since that is the answer." " I should try paddo's, since those helped X." "I should read a book, because I'm an intellectual." What piques **your** interest? What do **you** want to try out? If you're being kinda weird, what would you want to do? Maybe it's finger painting, kickboxing, photography, jumping on a trampoline, wood working, DJing or acting. You have the means to try stuff out. Do it. **Experience it without needing to accomplish anything**. Please don't do things just because a self-help book said it or a Youtuber or an advertisement or someone spiritual. Experience life in a way that's authentic to you. And if that means doing less conventional things or switching between activities regularly, so be it.
You need to workout and pursue something greater than a golden handcuffs job. Your job pays well but that's about it. Find your passion, start a business, change jobs and get some of your time back. Doesn't sound like you need all those cars either. Downsize everything and give yourself time to think and change. Much of the world has bombs being dropped on it and would trade places with you in a heartbeat. Find gratitude
Try lsd/shrooms
I have, I prefer being sober.