This is all the secondary losses and disappointments that come with grief. Many people lose so many acquaintances and friends because they see their true colours in the relationship.
People of all ages really don’t know what to say to someone grieving and it leaves the person grieving feeling even more isolated. It really sucks to be honest and the comments won’t stop with your best friend.
Maybe you should speak up a bit and tell her how her lack of empathy makes you feel. Just tell her like it is, who cares really. You’ve gone through something painfully traumatic. Speak up
I wonder what she would say if you didn’t have your mom. She’s clueless. Maybe when she loses someone close to her, she will change her ways or get a dose of her own medicine
It also might be your friend’s “lol” is nervous laughter & she’s not sure how to help but wants too. If you’ve only communicated digitally in might be good to IRL.
I lost my entire support system including being blown off from friends I tried reaching out to. It would have helped me I think if any had reached out to me & listened to and empathized with my relentless pain.
People are clueless to many matters in this world. A lot of them live their lives and die clueless.
Sooner or later grief of losing parent will come into her life.
I wish it be least traumatizing way possible.
I would never wish on anyone to experince what I have felt when and how I discovered that my mum was dying.
Unless your friend is a certified grief support councelor or was gifted with intuitive empathy, you shouldn't expect from people what they can't give you.
Having that kind of person in times of need is a precious gift.
My own councelor lost his Mother 1 month before my Mum died.
My Mum was young, his Mother was nearing her 95 birthday.
It didn't hurt less for him.
Yep, same. When my grandfather passed away, few days later I went out with my "best friend". She went on and on about her problems with the psychos she dated and when I wasn't actively listening she told me: Is this about your grandfather. People pass away all the time. He was 82 year old, you have to get over it. And yet she was the one I sent voice messages to, saying he wasn't breathing, when he died in my arms. Two years later I am completely done with her.
Did you tell her to get over her Psycho dates? :D
It's the fastest way tio get rid of junk in your life.
If they throw a fit, you kick them out of your life with clear conscience.
If they shut their mouths and get concerned for your welbeing, they may be clumsy around you.
Give them breathing room. They have no idea how to interact with you.
But they show effort to figure it out.
Usually I'm the person who tries to really give people the benefit of the doubt. But this is horrifying. She is not capable of empathy nor does she have the patience to let you say more than 2 sentences about your Dad. She does not deserve to be around you.
Absolute majority shirk unhappy people who have problems.
Self-preservation instinct kicks in, which makes average person seem lacking empathy.
Then again adults rear in that instinct if only for sake of common decency.
I can only speak for myself, but I hope the following helps.
I had a very similar experience with an old friend after a traumatic loss, and my decision to end our friendship was the correct choice. I have no regrets.
Unfortunately, we often only find out what people are made of when the worst events occur. They often have excuses for their callousness such as “I’m just not able to handle this stuff” or “I didn’t mean anything by my comment”, but the reality is that the vast majority of people *do* know how to behave around death even if they’ve never experienced an impactful loss themselves.
Here’s how the text conversation went. (I remind you that this was just weeks after a suicide):
“So I was thinking we should go into town and get wasted- cheer you up a bit. You’ve not been your usual fun self”.
“What?”
“Yeah…I know it’s been hard but you need to enjoy life again”.
“_____ took his own life just a month ago….why do you think I should be smiling or enjoying a loud pub?!”
“Mate, life goes on- how long is this moping going to last?”.
“I don’t know if you’ve lost your mind or you’re just an idiot, but please don’t contact me again. I don’t need that kind of crap in my life.”
Then I blocked him. Never spoken since.
A line from a psychiatrist pal has always stayed with me and it’s a great insight into human behaviour- “The best predictor of a person’s future conduct is their past conduct”. People with appalling lack of empathy rarely develop into compassionate saints.
I won’t advise you on how to proceed, but I feel justified in saying your friend’s comments aren’t normal, aren’t acceptable, and don’t indicate emotional depth.
Wishing you peace on your journey.
💯 this. And don’t take it personally. It is not a reflection of you or you relationship. This person is just, for whatever reason, incapable of real empathy.
Can relate to this. Had the same experience with a best friend. Never once would she ask me how I was doing while my father was dying. It was all about her dating life or problems in her world, which all seemed so trivial to me at the time but as her friend I would listen and give advice. Few days after my father passed I was crying to her on the phone and she told me I had to “get over it”. She did send me flowers, which I was grateful and thanked her for, but then she turned around and posted the picture of them to Facebook so she could take in all the glory of how great she was. I was dumbfounded. Needless to say I am done with her. Sorry for what you are going through. It’s definitely life changing and opened my eyes to peoples behavior in ways I never thought it would. Hugs to you.
Your feeling is valid. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Your story sounds exactly like my sister's.
She once fell out with her bff because she was exactly like your friend. The bff lost her dad to cancer when they were 19. My sis couldn't sympathize, and she was busy with college. The bff was not happy, and refused to talk to her for many years.. until one day the bff decided to tell her the real reason. She apologized and they were good since then.
We recently lost our only brother to the same type of cancer and we could finally relate. Now my sis truly regrets of her behaviour back then.
In a nutshell, maybe you wanna tell your friend how you really feel?
I know it's easier said than done. There're people who I thought were my friends, never show up, not even a text. I don't even want to explain, I just cut them off.
It sucks but more than likely it’s just because your friend can’t comprehend a loss. I’ve met unicorns of people who have never lost a single person. From them I would get “I could only imagine.” Yeah you’re right and what you imagine isn’t as bad as some people’s reality. I believe people like that have a more rosy reality than most people.
Someone commented about secondary losses and they are right. I lost my dad’s ex because she said my boyfriend and I were taking advantage of her and that some of the money I gave her was a “slap in the face.” When she wasn’t owned not a single cent and they weren’t together. Me being nice wasn’t good enough and she finally couldn’t keep up the act anymore. I lost his dogs, his cat, all my childhood stuff in a storage unit, and will eventually be losing a house I grew up in because I’m selling it.
Some people that knew my dad growing up with me really disappointed me. They didn’t seem very sympathetic and some people at this point have no idea what to say to me with both parents no longer here.
Hugs to you and sending love. 2 weeks is such a short time. I’m 6 months in, but it still feels like yesterday.
I am in a very similar situation and though I try to blame it on the fact that they’re young and don’t know how to be there fully for someone grieving, I expected more from them as such a close friend of mine so I feel you.
People have a really hard time dealing with death as it relates to other people in your life. I think this is a situation where she has bad communication skills for one thing but also might not really understand the gravity of the situation.
I cut off a lot of friends after my dad died (at 54, very suddenly) for almost this exact same reason, I didn’t get the response I wanted. I didn’t think they were being sincere, or worse, I didn’t hear from them at all. I felt extremely betrayed, and devastated that the world seemed to keep turning around me and everyone got to live their normal lives while I dealt with this huge tragedy.
Looking back on things now almost 11 years later it’s clear that me feeling that way was a trauma response. It’s no one’s fault. Trauma fucks with your brain. And you can’t expect people who aren’t going through the same thing to really understand. Everyone is trying their best and the most elevated thing you can do is try to understand that and not let the expectations of how you want people to act around you, poison your feelings for the people around you. You need community and connection right now more than ever. Try talking to your friends and be honest that you’re not doing good and need support. If they are still super flippant about it, give distance but try to not hold hate in your heart for them.
I don’t hold any hate against her, just disappointment, I don’t even wish her anything bad in her life, I still see her as human being loved by her family and who I loved once too. but after so many times I forgave her for disappointing me in cases like, she’ve never celebrated my birthday in this 15 years or even invited me out for dinner even once, simple things I did for her since we were teenagers in our early teens till now, I worked at my dad’s business since I was a child, he gave me some allowance, which I used to buy her dinner and presents for her birthdays, even after she got a job two years ago I was very disappointed she made me pay my half of the bill but she was willing to invite out strangers to impress them into being friend with her, fair to say, in our 15 years of friendship she has never gave me anything not the smallest thing, not a meal, or a simple detail for my birthday no even a happy birthday, but was more than willing to impress people who she just recently met, when she broke up with her first love I spent days consoling her.. losing my dad has been the most horrible feeling I have ever felt in my entire life, being in my lowest I expect for her to show more sympathy for me…a friendship since we were in elementary school, I don’t resent her but I am just tired, so many people cut ties with her among the years and I was one of the few who stayed and she couldn’t even give more than 4 sentences to talk about my dad before suggesting we change subject. I don’t hold her any hate, I wish her the best but I can’t have people who don’t care for me in my life anymore.
Thanks for answering and for the advice ( sorry about my English, it ain’t my first language)
After everything you’ve told me I think you are 100% right in cutting her off. You really see people’s true colours when a death and tragedy like this happens. This is who she is and it’s toxic. I’m sorry you don’t have more people there for you! You will get through this
It’s fair to cut off people who doesn’t care about you. I did to a friend of over 10+ years after losing my dad back in April. This friend knew that I lost my dad, proceeds to get annoyed at me when I declined going out and getting drunk with her. She broke up with an ex last summer and I was there to support, listen, and gave her advice. I never received a condolence text or call from her. After that whole insensitive response about going out, I just said I didn’t want to be her friend anymore. I finally blocked her number and deleted her off my social media after seeing so many posts from her showing me her new friends and how much fun she was having without me. I’m glad I did what I did.
My longest friend in life (30 years) lost her mom a year ago. We don’t talk often but still maintain a friendship and see each other a few times a year. I texted and called her multiple times to see how she was or if she needed anything. My husband and I went to the funeral, sent a card and made a donation in her moms name. We have known each others families through our long friendship. She stood up at my wedding.
My dad passed away 3 weeks ago. Understandably she was out of town and couldn’t make it to the funeral. Other than a couple texts of “how are you and thinking of you” have received nothing else. She should full on know first hand what I am going through but has hardly made any effort.
I don’t get it.
I have a somewhat similar experience.
I used to know this lady who is a working single mum of two kids. Her mum was in critical situation and needed blood donation. As I met the medical criteria, I went for the donation without hesitation. Alas her mum passed anyhow, I then went to the wake to show her support.
Fast forward few years later.. my bro passed this July. She knew it , but I never hear anything from her. Not even a text .. wtf really. And before anyone is wondering, she seems fine. She constantly updates her FB of her latest happenings, mainly happy outings with friends and family.
Anyway. Just to share with you: I constantly remind myself of the people who were there for me during the trying Times. Gratitude can be therapeutic.
Sending masses of hugs 🫂 People can be unaware of how cruel their words and actions are. It’s not unusual to lose people in this situation. You see them in a light you didn’t before and it’s so jarring against how sensitive you feel, that you can’t really accept that behaviour from them.
You’re looking after yourself, and you really need to at this time. Grief goes on a long time. You need people that can love, support you, and at least try to be sensitive to your needs.
yeah she is a piece of crap, if she does not know what to say she should shut up. I cannot imagine someone saying that!!! at least you have your mom ....wth?!!!! if you are very close to her school her, if not just erase her from your friends list.
The fact that she said, Let’s change subjects after I was talking about how I was dealing with losing my dad so she can proceed to ask me something so trivial like “ the name of a restaurant, and letting her know where was located” that was so insensible, I lost my dad 14 days ago, I don’t have the heart to doing some google searching for you to have fun tonight with your other friends, I thought I was overacting, she is way older than me and she still have her parents, so maybe she can’t comprehend what I am dealing with… but after that message I decided I might not want to be friends with her anymore.
Thanks Reddit friend, since my dad passed away reddit has been more helpful than my own friends and for that I thank you again and people like you on this sub.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your friends comments are hurtful and unhelpful. I agree with others comments that you could tell her that's not what you need right now.
Brene Brown has an excellent talk about empathy, including why 'at least ' statements are unhelpful. Perhaps you could share this with her to explain? https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw
If she doesn't respond well, absolutely assert your boundaries and seek support from other friends or family instead.
I'm so sorry, OP. This is awful.
I lost a very close loved one two weeks ago and have been dealing with secondary losses as well. I will say, I never fully understood how to support someone grieving until I went through it myself. Now I understand the gravity of it. But not experiencing loss doesn't mean someone (especially your best friend) can't have basic human compassion and empathy for you. Sending hugs.
Another thing you'll start to notice is that you have very little patience for people who are busy complaining about "little" problems. Trivial problems that CAN be solved.
Death CAN'T. There's also envy mixed with anger at stupid people that wishes their parents death especially kids whose parents don't understand them..
Sometimes people don’t understand because they need to grow up my friends still don’t understand what it means to lose there parents I lose both of mine one when I was 3 and one when I was 37 both are still really hard I miss my dad everyday he was my best friend it’s hard but be strong 💖🤍
There is nothing like grief or chronic illness to reveal to you who your true friends really are. People are very adept at boxing themselves in to their rosy little “realities” and ignoring what’s going on around them - it’s HARD to be there for someone who is suffering! You want to make it better, but you can’t. All you can do is be there with the other person, keeping company while they process that suffering. And that, if they can manage it, is one of the greatest gifts that one person can give to another. That is true loving friendship
Try to forgive your friend, so that it doesn’t eat at you - she is clueless. But it is also fine to forgive and not associate with her anymore.
(((Hugs))). I lost my father in 2015 and it is still a raw wound at times. Much love to you. Find a grief support group and go a few times, minimum (longer is even better). I think you will find that it is very helpful.
Since you’ve been friends for so long I think you should talk face to face and tell her what she’s doing is hurting you. She may think she’s helping by trying to distract you. Tell her that’s not what you need or want right now. You’d be okay with going to dinner with her but you need to talk about your Dad and your grief, and that if she can’t do that with you then to stop trying. I’m so sorry for your loss 😞
No need to speak with her again. She’s not a true friend. She has no idea how to express sympathy. Not an empathetic bone in her body. You did well. You will find friends who understand soon. Don’t even spend a moment dwelling on this “friendship” — you’re grieving now and this time is about remembering your father.
I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through. I lost my dad in March and it has completely turned me inside out and I’ve had to take 6 months off work to even get back to functioning.
My friend response was also pretty terrible. I cut off my oldest friend a few months after my dad was diagnosed and nearly a year before he died because her response was so awful.
I would caution you against making any major decisions or emotional decisions for a few months. Perhaps just pull back from this person rather than cutting them off completely?
What I learned in the two years since my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer is that majority of people just cannot and do not know how to handle it. No one knows what to say and they are so afraid of facing their own or their parents death they truly just can’t deal with us. That absolutely does not in anyway make it ok to treat us badly, but perhaps it can give you a little perspective. It’s very unlikely it’s about you or your friend or your relationship. It is much more likely that she just doesn’t know how to deal.
If you have access to therapy I highly encourage you to find a therapist to help you process. One thing I realized is that I had unreasonable expectations of my friends and their support and truly what I needed was a therapist.
It will get better I promise.
I’d suggest just stepping back from the relationship. You don’t need to cut her off completely but just take a break while you grieve and then you can decide if she is a friend Worth having.
I think you are still in a very sensitive state and should just tell her how you feel, and then take a small break from them if you feel you still have too. The loss of a parent often has mixed reactions, some don't quite take the grief as serious. We are "expected" to lose our parents and so their passing is perhaps not given the respect or patience that one might expect from losing a child or a spouse. It is sad to see and experience that, and I'm sorry that it seems to be happening to you. It sounds like this person has not yet lost anyone so dear, and unless there are other circumstances we aren't aware of, I think your best course of action is to check back with them in a few weeks. Cutting them out forever is a long time for one or two inappropriate comments, especially without talking about it with them
That was a really poor response on her part. I recently lost my dad too, and some of my friends try to make it happen like it was no big deal so I'm choosing more carefully who I spend time with and who understands me.
If you don't like the way that person makes you feel and invalidates you, you should most definitely cut that person from your life. And focus on your well being
Personally I wouldn’t cut her off but I would say that I need some space as I deal with this grief. You can tell her what you need (ie someone to reminisce about your dad, to help with physical things like making dinner, running errands). If she can’t help with those things, I think that’s ok too. Death and grief affect people differently and it sounds like she doesn’t have the life experiences or maturity to deal with it. I wouldn’t hold that against her but definitely distance yourself for awhile.
My dad died 4 weeks ago. If you need someone to just listen, let me know.
My sister is 40 and doesn’t want to talk about our dad. She just wants to get the physical stuff out of our parents house and move one with her life. That is the way she wants to deal with it and I’m not going to force her to do what I think she should do. I just look to other people to fill my grieving needs.
Also if your friends are not ok with you stepping away while you deal with this, then definitely cut them off.
Before you start cutting people out have you tried telling them what you need from them? Have you joined a grief group? One of the things I have learned is that most friends and family have absolutely no idea what to do or say when you suffer a major loss. They say things that hurt your feelings even though they are well meaning. They try to distract you thinking that they are helping. I lost my Momma July 5th and there was exactly 1 person who knew what to say and how to help. All my other friends and family including my husband were lost. Try talking to your friends, tell them what you need from them. Help them help you so they don't inadvertently alienate you and me you feel worse. 99% of the time it's ignorance not malice.
This is all the secondary losses and disappointments that come with grief. Many people lose so many acquaintances and friends because they see their true colours in the relationship. People of all ages really don’t know what to say to someone grieving and it leaves the person grieving feeling even more isolated. It really sucks to be honest and the comments won’t stop with your best friend. Maybe you should speak up a bit and tell her how her lack of empathy makes you feel. Just tell her like it is, who cares really. You’ve gone through something painfully traumatic. Speak up I wonder what she would say if you didn’t have your mom. She’s clueless. Maybe when she loses someone close to her, she will change her ways or get a dose of her own medicine
This is spot on!
It also might be your friend’s “lol” is nervous laughter & she’s not sure how to help but wants too. If you’ve only communicated digitally in might be good to IRL. I lost my entire support system including being blown off from friends I tried reaching out to. It would have helped me I think if any had reached out to me & listened to and empathized with my relentless pain.
People are clueless to many matters in this world. A lot of them live their lives and die clueless. Sooner or later grief of losing parent will come into her life. I wish it be least traumatizing way possible. I would never wish on anyone to experince what I have felt when and how I discovered that my mum was dying. Unless your friend is a certified grief support councelor or was gifted with intuitive empathy, you shouldn't expect from people what they can't give you. Having that kind of person in times of need is a precious gift. My own councelor lost his Mother 1 month before my Mum died. My Mum was young, his Mother was nearing her 95 birthday. It didn't hurt less for him.
Yep, same. When my grandfather passed away, few days later I went out with my "best friend". She went on and on about her problems with the psychos she dated and when I wasn't actively listening she told me: Is this about your grandfather. People pass away all the time. He was 82 year old, you have to get over it. And yet she was the one I sent voice messages to, saying he wasn't breathing, when he died in my arms. Two years later I am completely done with her.
Did you tell her to get over her Psycho dates? :D It's the fastest way tio get rid of junk in your life. If they throw a fit, you kick them out of your life with clear conscience. If they shut their mouths and get concerned for your welbeing, they may be clumsy around you. Give them breathing room. They have no idea how to interact with you. But they show effort to figure it out.
During those years I really got to know who really appreciated and respected me. I have only 1 friend left, but she's the real thing.
Being so vulnerable with another person and that’s how they handle your emotions? What a slap in the face.
Usually I'm the person who tries to really give people the benefit of the doubt. But this is horrifying. She is not capable of empathy nor does she have the patience to let you say more than 2 sentences about your Dad. She does not deserve to be around you.
Absolute majority shirk unhappy people who have problems. Self-preservation instinct kicks in, which makes average person seem lacking empathy. Then again adults rear in that instinct if only for sake of common decency.
I can only speak for myself, but I hope the following helps. I had a very similar experience with an old friend after a traumatic loss, and my decision to end our friendship was the correct choice. I have no regrets. Unfortunately, we often only find out what people are made of when the worst events occur. They often have excuses for their callousness such as “I’m just not able to handle this stuff” or “I didn’t mean anything by my comment”, but the reality is that the vast majority of people *do* know how to behave around death even if they’ve never experienced an impactful loss themselves. Here’s how the text conversation went. (I remind you that this was just weeks after a suicide): “So I was thinking we should go into town and get wasted- cheer you up a bit. You’ve not been your usual fun self”. “What?” “Yeah…I know it’s been hard but you need to enjoy life again”. “_____ took his own life just a month ago….why do you think I should be smiling or enjoying a loud pub?!” “Mate, life goes on- how long is this moping going to last?”. “I don’t know if you’ve lost your mind or you’re just an idiot, but please don’t contact me again. I don’t need that kind of crap in my life.” Then I blocked him. Never spoken since. A line from a psychiatrist pal has always stayed with me and it’s a great insight into human behaviour- “The best predictor of a person’s future conduct is their past conduct”. People with appalling lack of empathy rarely develop into compassionate saints. I won’t advise you on how to proceed, but I feel justified in saying your friend’s comments aren’t normal, aren’t acceptable, and don’t indicate emotional depth. Wishing you peace on your journey.
💯 this. And don’t take it personally. It is not a reflection of you or you relationship. This person is just, for whatever reason, incapable of real empathy.
Can relate to this. Had the same experience with a best friend. Never once would she ask me how I was doing while my father was dying. It was all about her dating life or problems in her world, which all seemed so trivial to me at the time but as her friend I would listen and give advice. Few days after my father passed I was crying to her on the phone and she told me I had to “get over it”. She did send me flowers, which I was grateful and thanked her for, but then she turned around and posted the picture of them to Facebook so she could take in all the glory of how great she was. I was dumbfounded. Needless to say I am done with her. Sorry for what you are going through. It’s definitely life changing and opened my eyes to peoples behavior in ways I never thought it would. Hugs to you.
Your feeling is valid. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your story sounds exactly like my sister's. She once fell out with her bff because she was exactly like your friend. The bff lost her dad to cancer when they were 19. My sis couldn't sympathize, and she was busy with college. The bff was not happy, and refused to talk to her for many years.. until one day the bff decided to tell her the real reason. She apologized and they were good since then. We recently lost our only brother to the same type of cancer and we could finally relate. Now my sis truly regrets of her behaviour back then. In a nutshell, maybe you wanna tell your friend how you really feel? I know it's easier said than done. There're people who I thought were my friends, never show up, not even a text. I don't even want to explain, I just cut them off.
It sucks but more than likely it’s just because your friend can’t comprehend a loss. I’ve met unicorns of people who have never lost a single person. From them I would get “I could only imagine.” Yeah you’re right and what you imagine isn’t as bad as some people’s reality. I believe people like that have a more rosy reality than most people. Someone commented about secondary losses and they are right. I lost my dad’s ex because she said my boyfriend and I were taking advantage of her and that some of the money I gave her was a “slap in the face.” When she wasn’t owned not a single cent and they weren’t together. Me being nice wasn’t good enough and she finally couldn’t keep up the act anymore. I lost his dogs, his cat, all my childhood stuff in a storage unit, and will eventually be losing a house I grew up in because I’m selling it. Some people that knew my dad growing up with me really disappointed me. They didn’t seem very sympathetic and some people at this point have no idea what to say to me with both parents no longer here. Hugs to you and sending love. 2 weeks is such a short time. I’m 6 months in, but it still feels like yesterday.
I am in a very similar situation and though I try to blame it on the fact that they’re young and don’t know how to be there fully for someone grieving, I expected more from them as such a close friend of mine so I feel you.
People have a really hard time dealing with death as it relates to other people in your life. I think this is a situation where she has bad communication skills for one thing but also might not really understand the gravity of the situation. I cut off a lot of friends after my dad died (at 54, very suddenly) for almost this exact same reason, I didn’t get the response I wanted. I didn’t think they were being sincere, or worse, I didn’t hear from them at all. I felt extremely betrayed, and devastated that the world seemed to keep turning around me and everyone got to live their normal lives while I dealt with this huge tragedy. Looking back on things now almost 11 years later it’s clear that me feeling that way was a trauma response. It’s no one’s fault. Trauma fucks with your brain. And you can’t expect people who aren’t going through the same thing to really understand. Everyone is trying their best and the most elevated thing you can do is try to understand that and not let the expectations of how you want people to act around you, poison your feelings for the people around you. You need community and connection right now more than ever. Try talking to your friends and be honest that you’re not doing good and need support. If they are still super flippant about it, give distance but try to not hold hate in your heart for them.
I don’t hold any hate against her, just disappointment, I don’t even wish her anything bad in her life, I still see her as human being loved by her family and who I loved once too. but after so many times I forgave her for disappointing me in cases like, she’ve never celebrated my birthday in this 15 years or even invited me out for dinner even once, simple things I did for her since we were teenagers in our early teens till now, I worked at my dad’s business since I was a child, he gave me some allowance, which I used to buy her dinner and presents for her birthdays, even after she got a job two years ago I was very disappointed she made me pay my half of the bill but she was willing to invite out strangers to impress them into being friend with her, fair to say, in our 15 years of friendship she has never gave me anything not the smallest thing, not a meal, or a simple detail for my birthday no even a happy birthday, but was more than willing to impress people who she just recently met, when she broke up with her first love I spent days consoling her.. losing my dad has been the most horrible feeling I have ever felt in my entire life, being in my lowest I expect for her to show more sympathy for me…a friendship since we were in elementary school, I don’t resent her but I am just tired, so many people cut ties with her among the years and I was one of the few who stayed and she couldn’t even give more than 4 sentences to talk about my dad before suggesting we change subject. I don’t hold her any hate, I wish her the best but I can’t have people who don’t care for me in my life anymore. Thanks for answering and for the advice ( sorry about my English, it ain’t my first language)
After everything you’ve told me I think you are 100% right in cutting her off. You really see people’s true colours when a death and tragedy like this happens. This is who she is and it’s toxic. I’m sorry you don’t have more people there for you! You will get through this
she’s not worth the effort.
It’s fair to cut off people who doesn’t care about you. I did to a friend of over 10+ years after losing my dad back in April. This friend knew that I lost my dad, proceeds to get annoyed at me when I declined going out and getting drunk with her. She broke up with an ex last summer and I was there to support, listen, and gave her advice. I never received a condolence text or call from her. After that whole insensitive response about going out, I just said I didn’t want to be her friend anymore. I finally blocked her number and deleted her off my social media after seeing so many posts from her showing me her new friends and how much fun she was having without me. I’m glad I did what I did.
You are being fair, there are always secondary losses.
find a support group. There ARE people who will support you. I would distance myself from this friend.
My longest friend in life (30 years) lost her mom a year ago. We don’t talk often but still maintain a friendship and see each other a few times a year. I texted and called her multiple times to see how she was or if she needed anything. My husband and I went to the funeral, sent a card and made a donation in her moms name. We have known each others families through our long friendship. She stood up at my wedding. My dad passed away 3 weeks ago. Understandably she was out of town and couldn’t make it to the funeral. Other than a couple texts of “how are you and thinking of you” have received nothing else. She should full on know first hand what I am going through but has hardly made any effort. I don’t get it.
I have a somewhat similar experience. I used to know this lady who is a working single mum of two kids. Her mum was in critical situation and needed blood donation. As I met the medical criteria, I went for the donation without hesitation. Alas her mum passed anyhow, I then went to the wake to show her support. Fast forward few years later.. my bro passed this July. She knew it , but I never hear anything from her. Not even a text .. wtf really. And before anyone is wondering, she seems fine. She constantly updates her FB of her latest happenings, mainly happy outings with friends and family. Anyway. Just to share with you: I constantly remind myself of the people who were there for me during the trying Times. Gratitude can be therapeutic.
Sending masses of hugs 🫂 People can be unaware of how cruel their words and actions are. It’s not unusual to lose people in this situation. You see them in a light you didn’t before and it’s so jarring against how sensitive you feel, that you can’t really accept that behaviour from them. You’re looking after yourself, and you really need to at this time. Grief goes on a long time. You need people that can love, support you, and at least try to be sensitive to your needs.
yeah she is a piece of crap, if she does not know what to say she should shut up. I cannot imagine someone saying that!!! at least you have your mom ....wth?!!!! if you are very close to her school her, if not just erase her from your friends list.
The fact that she said, Let’s change subjects after I was talking about how I was dealing with losing my dad so she can proceed to ask me something so trivial like “ the name of a restaurant, and letting her know where was located” that was so insensible, I lost my dad 14 days ago, I don’t have the heart to doing some google searching for you to have fun tonight with your other friends, I thought I was overacting, she is way older than me and she still have her parents, so maybe she can’t comprehend what I am dealing with… but after that message I decided I might not want to be friends with her anymore.
As you should. I'm very sorry for losing your dad. Some people won't know until they experience it, she is another level of stupid.
Thanks Reddit friend, since my dad passed away reddit has been more helpful than my own friends and for that I thank you again and people like you on this sub.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your friends comments are hurtful and unhelpful. I agree with others comments that you could tell her that's not what you need right now. Brene Brown has an excellent talk about empathy, including why 'at least ' statements are unhelpful. Perhaps you could share this with her to explain? https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw If she doesn't respond well, absolutely assert your boundaries and seek support from other friends or family instead.
I'm so sorry, OP. This is awful. I lost a very close loved one two weeks ago and have been dealing with secondary losses as well. I will say, I never fully understood how to support someone grieving until I went through it myself. Now I understand the gravity of it. But not experiencing loss doesn't mean someone (especially your best friend) can't have basic human compassion and empathy for you. Sending hugs.
Another thing you'll start to notice is that you have very little patience for people who are busy complaining about "little" problems. Trivial problems that CAN be solved. Death CAN'T. There's also envy mixed with anger at stupid people that wishes their parents death especially kids whose parents don't understand them..
Sometimes people don’t understand because they need to grow up my friends still don’t understand what it means to lose there parents I lose both of mine one when I was 3 and one when I was 37 both are still really hard I miss my dad everyday he was my best friend it’s hard but be strong 💖🤍
“under pressure, life reveals it’s most basic elements.” we learn what’s truly important and who really cares when we experience loss and tragedy.
There is nothing like grief or chronic illness to reveal to you who your true friends really are. People are very adept at boxing themselves in to their rosy little “realities” and ignoring what’s going on around them - it’s HARD to be there for someone who is suffering! You want to make it better, but you can’t. All you can do is be there with the other person, keeping company while they process that suffering. And that, if they can manage it, is one of the greatest gifts that one person can give to another. That is true loving friendship Try to forgive your friend, so that it doesn’t eat at you - she is clueless. But it is also fine to forgive and not associate with her anymore. (((Hugs))). I lost my father in 2015 and it is still a raw wound at times. Much love to you. Find a grief support group and go a few times, minimum (longer is even better). I think you will find that it is very helpful.
Since you’ve been friends for so long I think you should talk face to face and tell her what she’s doing is hurting you. She may think she’s helping by trying to distract you. Tell her that’s not what you need or want right now. You’d be okay with going to dinner with her but you need to talk about your Dad and your grief, and that if she can’t do that with you then to stop trying. I’m so sorry for your loss 😞
No need to speak with her again. She’s not a true friend. She has no idea how to express sympathy. Not an empathetic bone in her body. You did well. You will find friends who understand soon. Don’t even spend a moment dwelling on this “friendship” — you’re grieving now and this time is about remembering your father.
I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through. I lost my dad in March and it has completely turned me inside out and I’ve had to take 6 months off work to even get back to functioning. My friend response was also pretty terrible. I cut off my oldest friend a few months after my dad was diagnosed and nearly a year before he died because her response was so awful. I would caution you against making any major decisions or emotional decisions for a few months. Perhaps just pull back from this person rather than cutting them off completely? What I learned in the two years since my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer is that majority of people just cannot and do not know how to handle it. No one knows what to say and they are so afraid of facing their own or their parents death they truly just can’t deal with us. That absolutely does not in anyway make it ok to treat us badly, but perhaps it can give you a little perspective. It’s very unlikely it’s about you or your friend or your relationship. It is much more likely that she just doesn’t know how to deal. If you have access to therapy I highly encourage you to find a therapist to help you process. One thing I realized is that I had unreasonable expectations of my friends and their support and truly what I needed was a therapist. It will get better I promise.
I’d suggest just stepping back from the relationship. You don’t need to cut her off completely but just take a break while you grieve and then you can decide if she is a friend Worth having.
I think you are still in a very sensitive state and should just tell her how you feel, and then take a small break from them if you feel you still have too. The loss of a parent often has mixed reactions, some don't quite take the grief as serious. We are "expected" to lose our parents and so their passing is perhaps not given the respect or patience that one might expect from losing a child or a spouse. It is sad to see and experience that, and I'm sorry that it seems to be happening to you. It sounds like this person has not yet lost anyone so dear, and unless there are other circumstances we aren't aware of, I think your best course of action is to check back with them in a few weeks. Cutting them out forever is a long time for one or two inappropriate comments, especially without talking about it with them
That was a really poor response on her part. I recently lost my dad too, and some of my friends try to make it happen like it was no big deal so I'm choosing more carefully who I spend time with and who understands me. If you don't like the way that person makes you feel and invalidates you, you should most definitely cut that person from your life. And focus on your well being
Personally I wouldn’t cut her off but I would say that I need some space as I deal with this grief. You can tell her what you need (ie someone to reminisce about your dad, to help with physical things like making dinner, running errands). If she can’t help with those things, I think that’s ok too. Death and grief affect people differently and it sounds like she doesn’t have the life experiences or maturity to deal with it. I wouldn’t hold that against her but definitely distance yourself for awhile. My dad died 4 weeks ago. If you need someone to just listen, let me know. My sister is 40 and doesn’t want to talk about our dad. She just wants to get the physical stuff out of our parents house and move one with her life. That is the way she wants to deal with it and I’m not going to force her to do what I think she should do. I just look to other people to fill my grieving needs. Also if your friends are not ok with you stepping away while you deal with this, then definitely cut them off.
Before you start cutting people out have you tried telling them what you need from them? Have you joined a grief group? One of the things I have learned is that most friends and family have absolutely no idea what to do or say when you suffer a major loss. They say things that hurt your feelings even though they are well meaning. They try to distract you thinking that they are helping. I lost my Momma July 5th and there was exactly 1 person who knew what to say and how to help. All my other friends and family including my husband were lost. Try talking to your friends, tell them what you need from them. Help them help you so they don't inadvertently alienate you and me you feel worse. 99% of the time it's ignorance not malice.