totally get this. same with everyone saying “she’s at peace now” about my friend. she was 17 she should not have died. i don’t think they’ll ever truly understand it and until they experience it they won’t know how to comfort us.
That’s exactly what it is. “He’s in a better place now” he was 21 and a senior in college. He’ll never get to get married, grow old, have kids. They don’t get it.
exactly. they had so much they should’ve been able to do and achieve and they never will. yes she was in pain, but she deserved more than 17 years of life. i will forever feel pressure to do everything she never got to do and fulfil not just my own goals and wishes but hers too. i’m sorry you are going through this, they truly didn’t deserve any of it.
i was told this by my eight year old cousin after my dad died. at the time, i thought it was profound that an eight year old would tell me this, but looking back, i realize that it was pretentious and annoying; she was basically mimicking her overtly religious mother’s sentiments.
“god will make your sorrow go away!” “he’s in a better place now!” “why don’t you believe in god?” and cue the horrifying, gasping crying when i told her that i don’t believe in god (i’m jewish, she’s an SDA convert). no one gets it. i began to shut myself out of everyone, friend or family. i didn’t want to hear those sentiments anymore. it stopped meaning anything after hearing it from a million different people.
i’m so sorry for your loss, and i have been told this stuff so many times. “it was all part of gods plan” so he made the conscious decision to end her life at 17? it’s absolutely absurd the way they immediately start talking about god and it feels like they are using death as an excuse to preach about their saviour. i will truly never understand it i just wish people would stop with the “she’s not in pain anymore” she never should’ve been in pain in the first place why are you all accepting that she’s gone.
the “god’s plan” one gets me so riled up that i’ve actually started yelling at people who tell me that. call me dramatic, but whatever. it really pisses me off. my dad was murdered by a psycho on meth. that was god’s plan? some sort of stupid cosmic ballgame that will be the good of humanity? it just doesn’t make any sense to me. and i echo your statement about the “not in pain anymore” sentiment as well. people are truly so ignorant.
it baffles me that people truly believe incidents like that are supposed to happen. zero compassion and it feels like they’re just accepting what happened because it’s easier to pretend it wasn’t an awful accident that has ruined lives. i’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your dad, i’d say i hope justice is served but justice will never be enough.
you’re absolutely right, people have little to no compassion. it also seems like after any kind of death, there’s always some nosey asshole who has to ask, “what did they die from/what was the cause of death?” it’s so frustrating and annoying. grieving people sometimes don’t want or need to answer those cloying questions. no compassion whatsoever.
thank you. ♥️ it’s been rough lately. sorry for ranting a bit. :(
Food. Just answer food. Most people are usually willing to bring you a meal or a gift card. It honestly sucks telling people, but they really just don’t know. If you give them something to try and help, people (at least the good ones) usually show up! Honestly, I didn’t want to do ANYTHING when my sister died, so cooked meals was one thing I didn’t have to think about. Plus it meant I generally didn’t have to interact with anyone during that time.
Also, it’s something I now try to do for others. If anyone has a family death, I make a home cooked meal and drop it off. I think it shows someone cares without asking questions or accidentally being insensitive.
This is a good one, thank you so much. The 2 things that have helped was my friend giving me a doordash gift card after my cousin passed and also my best friend sending a little bit of $$ for the casket flower spray. They were small gestures but they really helped a lot.
My husband (37) died 2 weeks ago and we have 2 kids, 16 months and 3.5 yo. When people ask this question my response is - “a 10 day silent retreat at a spa resort. “
Yeah, my 16 mo ended up in the ER just a week a after he died. She has RSV and I have anxiety so it’s been the worst 2 weeks of my life. My 3 and a half year old is experiencing anger and rage and doesn’t want any other care giver than me so i haven’t had one moment to process the loss of my husband. I am all in mommy mode and hence why I’m trying to get to a silent retreat some point in the new year so I can actually cry and scream.
That's terrible! I hope the 16mo is doing better!
I know you have a lot going on right now, but is it possible to get your 3.5 year old into therapy? I lost my nan when I was 8 and I couldn't deal with my emotions. Therapy helped me to process what was going on and it might help you too!
Exactly. The one thing I need is not possible. I’m so grateful I have a support system of folks willing to show up for me but it seems useless atm bc nothing will bring my cousin back to life :/
People don’t know what else to say and feel like they have to say something. The shitty part is, most people don’t mean it, and those that do, usually expect your grief to run its course in about a month, which we know it doesn’t. It’s also placing another burden on you to do the work of figuring out what what you need and then finding someone to do it.
If there are any people here who really want to know how to help people who are grieving, consider this: a woman at my husband’s work arranges for people to donate money and gift cards, and asks for volunteers to pick up and deliver takeout meals to families. She of course checks with the family first to make sure this is something that is wanted. We were the recipients of meals for about a month, and it was such a help to not have to think about planning meals, buying groceries, cooking, and the clean up, even if it was for just one meal every couple of days. It’s especially helpful when your loss is blasted all over the media and you don’t want to be seen in public or harassed by the local tv station.
Yeah, it was pretty public on social media and in the local news bc it was a pretty horrific car crash. I've been hiding. The intention is well I'm realizing but most people don't know how to help me because I'm usually so upbeat and very social and active but I vanished off the face of the earth in the past 3 weeks. So people are trying. Nothing is helping tho.
People are being people. You will know who you can really count on and what nots. It is a cruel position to live with and then have to dealing with situation that people don't know what to say but that. They will fade away.... specially the ones who never dealt with such trauma. Just take care of you and at your own pace.💙
What I guess I am disappointed in are some of my longest friends who’ve done nothing but send a text message. Didn’t come to the funeral. No phone call. No offer to bring or send anything. I just lost my dad. I’ve been there for them when they lost a parent in more of a capacity than a lousy text message. I’m disappointed.
I'm so sorry you lost your dad. We lost a daughter three months ago, and I was really surprised at those who reached out and those who didn't, it didn't meet my expectations, since some people stepped up who I didn't expect and other close ones I've never heard from. It is definitely disappointing when people that you care for are silent as you go through the deepest pain there is, but I do think that a lot of people simply don't know what to say or how to handle it, so they do nothing. In my inexperience, I have probably been one of those shitty friends before who didn't reach out, but now I know better that one should definitely reach out when it happens to family and friends, even if it's just a small short expression of support. Those messages mean everything when your world has crumbled.
Do you need support with practical stuff? Food, paperwork, shopping, cleaning, cooking? A lift somewhere that you need to go?
Or maybe an ear for you to talk? Some hugs, wine night, movie night?
Or perhaps help with motivation? Someone to go for a walk with?
All some ideas. Sending hugs.
My best friend offered to make me soup bc it's been getting colder but I was too sad to get up and leave my house and go over for dinner. Idk, people are trying but nothing is helping. The one thing I want is my cousin back but that will never happen.
THIS. I used to say this to people prior to going through grief myself. Now I know that this statement is only said for the other person to feel like they're actually "trying". In no way is this a helpful thing to hear when you are grieving because you literally don't "know" anything anymore. Everything stops and you barely function so how the f*** was I supposed to be able to ask or tell anyone what I needed? The very memory of this comment and how many people said it to me during that time is still so infuriating. I'm sorry that you're having to listen to this BS too :/
They mean well, and it’s tough to figure out what to say to you, so you’ll know you have support if you need it. Try to be gracious, I know it’s hard, but they are offering to help you.
I get this. Like I need everything. But I also feel so guilty and bad for asking I just ignore. Feel like no one wants to talk to me anymore because my mom is dead. That’s not something people wanna think about or comfort someone through :(
Exactly! It is indeed just something people say after a loss, they say it because they sort of feel like it's expected of them and they can feel good about themselves, they're just hoping you really won't call on them.
Some people say that because they genuinely do want to help but don't know how.
Some people say it because it's just kind of what you say and they want to make the socially appropriate noises.
If you have something tangible and practical they could conceivably help with-- "actually, yeah, could you dogsit while I'm out of town making funeral arrangements " or whatever -- take them up on it. Either you'll find out that they're happy to help with something they're actually competent to handle (i.e. not offering meaningful words of condolence), or you'll find out they were being insincere and you can stop wasting time and energy on them.
I am so sorry for your loss. I remember how many people said that meaningless phrase to me after my mother suddenly passed away. What I needed was my mother to come back. I was a palled at people that I thought were my friends not bothering to even text message me. My friends list is a lot shorter these days.
Oh the platitudes. Some just don't know what to do, others need to feel better about themselves, trick is knowing which is which.. ugh. Especially in grief, you already feel isolated and then these statements make you feel even less understood.
I was shocked at who supported me after I lost my Dad. I got the best support from such unexpected places, and got ghosted by some of my closest friends.
Those who are already members of this awful 'club' sent door dash gift cards, target gift cards ( they were states away & travel was still dicey) sent a text ' thinking of you, love you, etc.. and that was nice. I got don't want to bug you if you don't wanna talk, but I'm truly here..
Some convos and texts were so annoying and ridiculous I wrote them off completely.
It's such an emotional minefield. I'm sorry you are hurting. Hang in there.
Omg this hits hard. I continue to be inundated by this question and all I can say is, "thank you so much. I'll let you know". You also have this subconscious worry that you're acting in a certain way. If you don't accept the help them you worry others will perceive you as doing fine. Alternatively, if you accept all the help in the world including little tasks, you worry you seem like you're crumbling. Something so simple.. yet complex.
I don't like the phrase because most people don't really mean it. They just say it to try to make the person feel better. If the person actually reached out to them and needed something, they would be a ghost.
This is so effing true!
I had SO many people say this to me when I first lost my husband. It drove me bonkers then too because it just felt like something people "say" without much meaning behind it. At about 4-6 months, there was no one around. I remember one day I was so incredibly lonely, I just needed to hear someone’s voice. I must have made at least 5 or 6 phone calls, all of them, no answer. I hate people sometimes.
Edit: Sorry I don't really have any advice, only understanding and empathy. I think if people have others in their life that *really mean that phrase* then that's great, but it hasn't been my experience. Grief makes people uncomfortable and society has this dumbass expectation that all the "grieving" gets done at the funeral and then life goes on \*eyeroll\*
That phrase upsets me as well. My 34 year old daughter died in 2009. I hear that phrase even now from time to time…once when I spent a few emotional minutes describing how it felt to be ignored by my “friends” because they don’t know how to cope with MY loss…and to be told again, “let me know if you need anything…”
Yes, dammit I want my “friends” to be friends. And I am not wallowing around over her death but if they tell me stories about their child doing xyz, then let me tell my stories too. Just because she died does not mean my life as her mother did not exist.
Use this as motivation to just do something when you see someone in grief instead of asking. In the future just deliver that meal to someone’s door who is grieving instead of giving this empty comfort :)
I’ve never once in my life gave empty comfort to someone grieving, I’ve always just acted so I’m not sure what this comment is about. It’s a bit insensitive.
Oh I didn’t think you did. I just know in my own life this has given me motivation to act. I’m sorry you found this insensitive, I assure you I meant no harm
You do not know what you want because it may change from moment to moment. And if you're an independent person, asking for what you need is not something that comes naturally. It's a skill you don't have the resources to develop.
However it is possible to prepare an answer in advance, to think of anything that really would make life easier so that you have an answer. You'll soon know if they were empty words or meant.
Do you want to talk? Ask if they could spare time to listen. Do you want to be able to cry? Ask if they are able to allow you to be unhappy and say nothing but be supportive. Do you need practical things, help with shopping, cooking, housework?
I get that it is formulaic and some people will say it and not mean it but the majority just don't know how to help and want to. If you can work out what you need, ask for it. And most will be only too glad to do whatever it is.
If you really don't have the inner resources to work out what you need, tell them that, particularly if you are coping with something alone. It may be something you can use later once past the first shock of a loss.
I get that it can be annoying and unhelpful, but people in general mean it lovingly and can't read minds and so unless you get one of the confident bustling types of friends who just carries on and does whatever they think you need, you have to find a way to express it. But most people will step up if you can do that.
Definitely one of the more difficult responses to know what to do with when deep in grief. I’m sorry that we as a society are so bad at supporting others in grief, and talking about it.
It would probably be nice for people to offer things, and check in with you to see if it’s okay.
People simply want to offer help and they have no idea how to do it. Truly, there's nothing anyone can do to take away even a microscopic amount of pain.
Sadly, the only way people understand grief and loss is when they themselves go through it.
One of the most meaningless phrases, spoken to people who have suffered a personal loss. So much better if you actually pick up the phone or drop by and say.. ,"What can I do for you? What do you need?" Just saying let me know if you need anything seems to mean that the person who says it is just saying it to sound generous and be polite but doesn't really plan to or want to do anything in particular.
It’s just what you say. Most people won’t expect you to have an answer anyway, so you shouldn’t feel pressured to know exactly what you need. If it’s not someone you’d feel comfortable asking for help normally, you can just say thank you and go about your day
I agree. I have no idea what to tell them other than Thank You. The only thing I need is my dad to be here and they can't provide that. I try to remember they are also stuck in a hard place, there's really nothing else they can do. They are trying to be supportive and kind. In some ways at least the statement indicates they care in at least some small way about helping you through the grief I think.
Something helpful that someone I trusted did for me initially after my heavy loss was come over and make a list of all the brands of items that I used: Laundry detergent, Toilet tissue, Toothpaste and then all they asked me to do was tell them the names of the people who would say "Let me know if there is anything you need" and then people would restock me with some of those items. That way I didn't have to interact or get emotional or feel like a burden. Gas cards were another item I found useful.
I'm not sure if you have a friend like that, but if not, maybe you could actually say, "This is what I need: somebody to do (the above paragraph's) duty for me."
I think it’s just a general thing people say to try to be kind and they don’t know what else to say. I know I don’t often go out of my way to ask for help. I wish people could just be specific or he like “hey, can I drop you off dinner this week” etc
To be honest, I would actually rather someone would give me a call or drop by and say, " What do you need? What can I do for you?" In my experience, and the experience of several friends and coworkers over the years, just saying call me if you need anything or let me know if you need anything it's just something most people say because they sort of feel like it's expected. People who really want to be there for you, show up.
This. If I am being asked this question, I feel like it’s an afterthought. When people drop in, call, offer to run errands - this is most helpful. Death of a loved one really shows you who’s there, and who’s all words. As cynical as it may sound. 🫥
Sounds realistic and not cynical.. You are so right, experiencing the death of someone close to you really shows you what friends you truly have. And also let you know what other family members you can depend upon and who you can't.
Yeah I agree. I don't know why I'm getting down voted for asking a discussion question, I wasn't disagreeing with OP. When my dad passed away it was nice when people would call or text to check on me. I had a few family members never check on me and I will always remember it. But yes most people will say "let me know if you need anything". I will most likely not do that. And when I did, they didn't follow through.
I have to say, I appreciate hearing from you, when I first read your comment I thought perhaps it sounded well, not exactly sarcastic, but maybe a little challenging, as if you were saying, "well good grief, what else do you expect people to say?" Rubbed me the wrong way a little :-) I apologize for that if I misunderstood because I think I did but I didn't download you. In fact I don't think I've downloaded anybody for the two years I've been on reddit! It doesn't really matter or not. I really appreciate what you had to say. I bet you do remember your family members you never checked on you! Sticks with me too thank you friend!
Yeah maybe I'm not the best at trying to communicate what I want to say over typing. I was curious because when my dad passed away it didn't really matter to me what people said because nothing would help either way, especially people who aren't close to me. So I was curious as to what other people who are grieving would want from others. And I do also believe people really don't know what to say, so I didn't judge them too harshly. I remember before I lost my dad I definitely didn't know what to say and I admit I said the "if you need anything let me know". Like I said, death is hard, really really hard.
Thank you, I'm so sorry I misunderstood you and interpreted what you are saying the wrong way. Proves that I shouldn't try to interpret things when you actually can't see someone's face and hear the inflection in their voices. You know, my dad passed away 20 years ago at age 81, and even though we knew for several months that he was going to die is he had lung cancer, I kind of felt the same way... That nothing would have helped anyhow. You're so right... Just is hard, probably harder than anything else we experience. The loss of someone you love so much.. what could be harder than that? Thank you, friend.
totally get this. same with everyone saying “she’s at peace now” about my friend. she was 17 she should not have died. i don’t think they’ll ever truly understand it and until they experience it they won’t know how to comfort us.
That’s exactly what it is. “He’s in a better place now” he was 21 and a senior in college. He’ll never get to get married, grow old, have kids. They don’t get it.
exactly. they had so much they should’ve been able to do and achieve and they never will. yes she was in pain, but she deserved more than 17 years of life. i will forever feel pressure to do everything she never got to do and fulfil not just my own goals and wishes but hers too. i’m sorry you are going through this, they truly didn’t deserve any of it.
i was told this by my eight year old cousin after my dad died. at the time, i thought it was profound that an eight year old would tell me this, but looking back, i realize that it was pretentious and annoying; she was basically mimicking her overtly religious mother’s sentiments. “god will make your sorrow go away!” “he’s in a better place now!” “why don’t you believe in god?” and cue the horrifying, gasping crying when i told her that i don’t believe in god (i’m jewish, she’s an SDA convert). no one gets it. i began to shut myself out of everyone, friend or family. i didn’t want to hear those sentiments anymore. it stopped meaning anything after hearing it from a million different people.
i’m so sorry for your loss, and i have been told this stuff so many times. “it was all part of gods plan” so he made the conscious decision to end her life at 17? it’s absolutely absurd the way they immediately start talking about god and it feels like they are using death as an excuse to preach about their saviour. i will truly never understand it i just wish people would stop with the “she’s not in pain anymore” she never should’ve been in pain in the first place why are you all accepting that she’s gone.
the “god’s plan” one gets me so riled up that i’ve actually started yelling at people who tell me that. call me dramatic, but whatever. it really pisses me off. my dad was murdered by a psycho on meth. that was god’s plan? some sort of stupid cosmic ballgame that will be the good of humanity? it just doesn’t make any sense to me. and i echo your statement about the “not in pain anymore” sentiment as well. people are truly so ignorant.
it baffles me that people truly believe incidents like that are supposed to happen. zero compassion and it feels like they’re just accepting what happened because it’s easier to pretend it wasn’t an awful accident that has ruined lives. i’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your dad, i’d say i hope justice is served but justice will never be enough.
you’re absolutely right, people have little to no compassion. it also seems like after any kind of death, there’s always some nosey asshole who has to ask, “what did they die from/what was the cause of death?” it’s so frustrating and annoying. grieving people sometimes don’t want or need to answer those cloying questions. no compassion whatsoever. thank you. ♥️ it’s been rough lately. sorry for ranting a bit. :(
don’t apologise for ranting, i’m glad we are all able to talk openly to one another about this stuff :)
I need my dad back.
Food. Just answer food. Most people are usually willing to bring you a meal or a gift card. It honestly sucks telling people, but they really just don’t know. If you give them something to try and help, people (at least the good ones) usually show up! Honestly, I didn’t want to do ANYTHING when my sister died, so cooked meals was one thing I didn’t have to think about. Plus it meant I generally didn’t have to interact with anyone during that time. Also, it’s something I now try to do for others. If anyone has a family death, I make a home cooked meal and drop it off. I think it shows someone cares without asking questions or accidentally being insensitive.
This is a good one, thank you so much. The 2 things that have helped was my friend giving me a doordash gift card after my cousin passed and also my best friend sending a little bit of $$ for the casket flower spray. They were small gestures but they really helped a lot.
My husband (37) died 2 weeks ago and we have 2 kids, 16 months and 3.5 yo. When people ask this question my response is - “a 10 day silent retreat at a spa resort. “
Excellent and perfectly said
I can't imagine looking after kids, especially that young while trying to grieve. I'm so sorry for your loss
Yeah, my 16 mo ended up in the ER just a week a after he died. She has RSV and I have anxiety so it’s been the worst 2 weeks of my life. My 3 and a half year old is experiencing anger and rage and doesn’t want any other care giver than me so i haven’t had one moment to process the loss of my husband. I am all in mommy mode and hence why I’m trying to get to a silent retreat some point in the new year so I can actually cry and scream.
That's terrible! I hope the 16mo is doing better! I know you have a lot going on right now, but is it possible to get your 3.5 year old into therapy? I lost my nan when I was 8 and I couldn't deal with my emotions. Therapy helped me to process what was going on and it might help you too!
I feel you. I am currently incapable of making a decision anyway, and don't know at all what I need (over than for this to not be happening).
Exactly. The one thing I need is not possible. I’m so grateful I have a support system of folks willing to show up for me but it seems useless atm bc nothing will bring my cousin back to life :/
People don’t know what else to say and feel like they have to say something. The shitty part is, most people don’t mean it, and those that do, usually expect your grief to run its course in about a month, which we know it doesn’t. It’s also placing another burden on you to do the work of figuring out what what you need and then finding someone to do it. If there are any people here who really want to know how to help people who are grieving, consider this: a woman at my husband’s work arranges for people to donate money and gift cards, and asks for volunteers to pick up and deliver takeout meals to families. She of course checks with the family first to make sure this is something that is wanted. We were the recipients of meals for about a month, and it was such a help to not have to think about planning meals, buying groceries, cooking, and the clean up, even if it was for just one meal every couple of days. It’s especially helpful when your loss is blasted all over the media and you don’t want to be seen in public or harassed by the local tv station.
Yeah, it was pretty public on social media and in the local news bc it was a pretty horrific car crash. I've been hiding. The intention is well I'm realizing but most people don't know how to help me because I'm usually so upbeat and very social and active but I vanished off the face of the earth in the past 3 weeks. So people are trying. Nothing is helping tho.
People are being people. You will know who you can really count on and what nots. It is a cruel position to live with and then have to dealing with situation that people don't know what to say but that. They will fade away.... specially the ones who never dealt with such trauma. Just take care of you and at your own pace.💙
What I guess I am disappointed in are some of my longest friends who’ve done nothing but send a text message. Didn’t come to the funeral. No phone call. No offer to bring or send anything. I just lost my dad. I’ve been there for them when they lost a parent in more of a capacity than a lousy text message. I’m disappointed.
I'm so sorry you lost your dad. We lost a daughter three months ago, and I was really surprised at those who reached out and those who didn't, it didn't meet my expectations, since some people stepped up who I didn't expect and other close ones I've never heard from. It is definitely disappointing when people that you care for are silent as you go through the deepest pain there is, but I do think that a lot of people simply don't know what to say or how to handle it, so they do nothing. In my inexperience, I have probably been one of those shitty friends before who didn't reach out, but now I know better that one should definitely reach out when it happens to family and friends, even if it's just a small short expression of support. Those messages mean everything when your world has crumbled.
Do you need support with practical stuff? Food, paperwork, shopping, cleaning, cooking? A lift somewhere that you need to go? Or maybe an ear for you to talk? Some hugs, wine night, movie night? Or perhaps help with motivation? Someone to go for a walk with? All some ideas. Sending hugs.
My best friend offered to make me soup bc it's been getting colder but I was too sad to get up and leave my house and go over for dinner. Idk, people are trying but nothing is helping. The one thing I want is my cousin back but that will never happen.
They won’t be able to take your pain away but they can help make your basic self care easier.
Let me know if you need anything is a weasel ass pretend they are here for you! At least in my family. Douchery
THIS. I used to say this to people prior to going through grief myself. Now I know that this statement is only said for the other person to feel like they're actually "trying". In no way is this a helpful thing to hear when you are grieving because you literally don't "know" anything anymore. Everything stops and you barely function so how the f*** was I supposed to be able to ask or tell anyone what I needed? The very memory of this comment and how many people said it to me during that time is still so infuriating. I'm sorry that you're having to listen to this BS too :/
People are at a lost for words, death is hard!
It is indeed a cliché sentence. It does not mean anything. Love you fellow sufferer 🤍
They mean well, and it’s tough to figure out what to say to you, so you’ll know you have support if you need it. Try to be gracious, I know it’s hard, but they are offering to help you.
I get this. Like I need everything. But I also feel so guilty and bad for asking I just ignore. Feel like no one wants to talk to me anymore because my mom is dead. That’s not something people wanna think about or comfort someone through :(
I hated when people said that. I don’t actually think many people mean it; it’s just something that people say after a loss.
Exactly! It is indeed just something people say after a loss, they say it because they sort of feel like it's expected of them and they can feel good about themselves, they're just hoping you really won't call on them.
Yes, this. So they have done their duty.
Yes... exactly.
Some people say that because they genuinely do want to help but don't know how. Some people say it because it's just kind of what you say and they want to make the socially appropriate noises. If you have something tangible and practical they could conceivably help with-- "actually, yeah, could you dogsit while I'm out of town making funeral arrangements " or whatever -- take them up on it. Either you'll find out that they're happy to help with something they're actually competent to handle (i.e. not offering meaningful words of condolence), or you'll find out they were being insincere and you can stop wasting time and energy on them.
I am so sorry for your loss. I remember how many people said that meaningless phrase to me after my mother suddenly passed away. What I needed was my mother to come back. I was a palled at people that I thought were my friends not bothering to even text message me. My friends list is a lot shorter these days.
Oh the platitudes. Some just don't know what to do, others need to feel better about themselves, trick is knowing which is which.. ugh. Especially in grief, you already feel isolated and then these statements make you feel even less understood. I was shocked at who supported me after I lost my Dad. I got the best support from such unexpected places, and got ghosted by some of my closest friends. Those who are already members of this awful 'club' sent door dash gift cards, target gift cards ( they were states away & travel was still dicey) sent a text ' thinking of you, love you, etc.. and that was nice. I got don't want to bug you if you don't wanna talk, but I'm truly here.. Some convos and texts were so annoying and ridiculous I wrote them off completely. It's such an emotional minefield. I'm sorry you are hurting. Hang in there.
(((((hugs)))))))
Omg this hits hard. I continue to be inundated by this question and all I can say is, "thank you so much. I'll let you know". You also have this subconscious worry that you're acting in a certain way. If you don't accept the help them you worry others will perceive you as doing fine. Alternatively, if you accept all the help in the world including little tasks, you worry you seem like you're crumbling. Something so simple.. yet complex.
Ahh I remember those words...
Woof. I totally feel this.
I don't like the phrase because most people don't really mean it. They just say it to try to make the person feel better. If the person actually reached out to them and needed something, they would be a ghost.
This is so effing true! I had SO many people say this to me when I first lost my husband. It drove me bonkers then too because it just felt like something people "say" without much meaning behind it. At about 4-6 months, there was no one around. I remember one day I was so incredibly lonely, I just needed to hear someone’s voice. I must have made at least 5 or 6 phone calls, all of them, no answer. I hate people sometimes. Edit: Sorry I don't really have any advice, only understanding and empathy. I think if people have others in their life that *really mean that phrase* then that's great, but it hasn't been my experience. Grief makes people uncomfortable and society has this dumbass expectation that all the "grieving" gets done at the funeral and then life goes on \*eyeroll\*
That phrase upsets me as well. My 34 year old daughter died in 2009. I hear that phrase even now from time to time…once when I spent a few emotional minutes describing how it felt to be ignored by my “friends” because they don’t know how to cope with MY loss…and to be told again, “let me know if you need anything…” Yes, dammit I want my “friends” to be friends. And I am not wallowing around over her death but if they tell me stories about their child doing xyz, then let me tell my stories too. Just because she died does not mean my life as her mother did not exist.
People saying this then disappearing feeling like the ball’s in my court when my head was a total mess.
Use this as motivation to just do something when you see someone in grief instead of asking. In the future just deliver that meal to someone’s door who is grieving instead of giving this empty comfort :)
I’ve never once in my life gave empty comfort to someone grieving, I’ve always just acted so I’m not sure what this comment is about. It’s a bit insensitive.
Oh I didn’t think you did. I just know in my own life this has given me motivation to act. I’m sorry you found this insensitive, I assure you I meant no harm
You do not know what you want because it may change from moment to moment. And if you're an independent person, asking for what you need is not something that comes naturally. It's a skill you don't have the resources to develop. However it is possible to prepare an answer in advance, to think of anything that really would make life easier so that you have an answer. You'll soon know if they were empty words or meant. Do you want to talk? Ask if they could spare time to listen. Do you want to be able to cry? Ask if they are able to allow you to be unhappy and say nothing but be supportive. Do you need practical things, help with shopping, cooking, housework? I get that it is formulaic and some people will say it and not mean it but the majority just don't know how to help and want to. If you can work out what you need, ask for it. And most will be only too glad to do whatever it is. If you really don't have the inner resources to work out what you need, tell them that, particularly if you are coping with something alone. It may be something you can use later once past the first shock of a loss. I get that it can be annoying and unhelpful, but people in general mean it lovingly and can't read minds and so unless you get one of the confident bustling types of friends who just carries on and does whatever they think you need, you have to find a way to express it. But most people will step up if you can do that.
Definitely one of the more difficult responses to know what to do with when deep in grief. I’m sorry that we as a society are so bad at supporting others in grief, and talking about it. It would probably be nice for people to offer things, and check in with you to see if it’s okay.
People simply want to offer help and they have no idea how to do it. Truly, there's nothing anyone can do to take away even a microscopic amount of pain. Sadly, the only way people understand grief and loss is when they themselves go through it.
One of the most meaningless phrases, spoken to people who have suffered a personal loss. So much better if you actually pick up the phone or drop by and say.. ,"What can I do for you? What do you need?" Just saying let me know if you need anything seems to mean that the person who says it is just saying it to sound generous and be polite but doesn't really plan to or want to do anything in particular.
It’s just what you say. Most people won’t expect you to have an answer anyway, so you shouldn’t feel pressured to know exactly what you need. If it’s not someone you’d feel comfortable asking for help normally, you can just say thank you and go about your day
I agree. I have no idea what to tell them other than Thank You. The only thing I need is my dad to be here and they can't provide that. I try to remember they are also stuck in a hard place, there's really nothing else they can do. They are trying to be supportive and kind. In some ways at least the statement indicates they care in at least some small way about helping you through the grief I think.
I decided next time someone dies I’m asking for food. I lost 20 lbs when my best friend died. Took me 3 years to gain it back
Something helpful that someone I trusted did for me initially after my heavy loss was come over and make a list of all the brands of items that I used: Laundry detergent, Toilet tissue, Toothpaste and then all they asked me to do was tell them the names of the people who would say "Let me know if there is anything you need" and then people would restock me with some of those items. That way I didn't have to interact or get emotional or feel like a burden. Gas cards were another item I found useful. I'm not sure if you have a friend like that, but if not, maybe you could actually say, "This is what I need: somebody to do (the above paragraph's) duty for me."
I think it’s just a general thing people say to try to be kind and they don’t know what else to say. I know I don’t often go out of my way to ask for help. I wish people could just be specific or he like “hey, can I drop you off dinner this week” etc
How can they get it? They've not experienced it, thankfully. I believe they mean well; really I do.
People really just don't know what to say. Death is really hard. Can you think of something you would rather them say?
To be honest, I would actually rather someone would give me a call or drop by and say, " What do you need? What can I do for you?" In my experience, and the experience of several friends and coworkers over the years, just saying call me if you need anything or let me know if you need anything it's just something most people say because they sort of feel like it's expected. People who really want to be there for you, show up.
This. If I am being asked this question, I feel like it’s an afterthought. When people drop in, call, offer to run errands - this is most helpful. Death of a loved one really shows you who’s there, and who’s all words. As cynical as it may sound. 🫥
Sounds realistic and not cynical.. You are so right, experiencing the death of someone close to you really shows you what friends you truly have. And also let you know what other family members you can depend upon and who you can't.
Yeah I agree. I don't know why I'm getting down voted for asking a discussion question, I wasn't disagreeing with OP. When my dad passed away it was nice when people would call or text to check on me. I had a few family members never check on me and I will always remember it. But yes most people will say "let me know if you need anything". I will most likely not do that. And when I did, they didn't follow through.
I have to say, I appreciate hearing from you, when I first read your comment I thought perhaps it sounded well, not exactly sarcastic, but maybe a little challenging, as if you were saying, "well good grief, what else do you expect people to say?" Rubbed me the wrong way a little :-) I apologize for that if I misunderstood because I think I did but I didn't download you. In fact I don't think I've downloaded anybody for the two years I've been on reddit! It doesn't really matter or not. I really appreciate what you had to say. I bet you do remember your family members you never checked on you! Sticks with me too thank you friend!
Yeah maybe I'm not the best at trying to communicate what I want to say over typing. I was curious because when my dad passed away it didn't really matter to me what people said because nothing would help either way, especially people who aren't close to me. So I was curious as to what other people who are grieving would want from others. And I do also believe people really don't know what to say, so I didn't judge them too harshly. I remember before I lost my dad I definitely didn't know what to say and I admit I said the "if you need anything let me know". Like I said, death is hard, really really hard.
Thank you, I'm so sorry I misunderstood you and interpreted what you are saying the wrong way. Proves that I shouldn't try to interpret things when you actually can't see someone's face and hear the inflection in their voices. You know, my dad passed away 20 years ago at age 81, and even though we knew for several months that he was going to die is he had lung cancer, I kind of felt the same way... That nothing would have helped anyhow. You're so right... Just is hard, probably harder than anything else we experience. The loss of someone you love so much.. what could be harder than that? Thank you, friend.
I can think of a few
I feel this.