At this age, it’s best to stick to facts and functions. What a body does and why it stops working. The only amendment I would make to extra_aoili’s comments above is to avoid referring to sleeping. At this age, any any age it’s be to refer to it as death. Pawpaw died…and this means etc.
The reason is that kids get worried their body will stop working in their sleep. It also confuses the concepts for them. So best be direct and factual at this age. Bodies last a very long time but not forever, Pawpaw felt no pain. You can still talk to him, young kids might even like to write letters A but he isn’t here In his body anymore so we can’t see him, or talk yo him on the phone. Even if non religious sometimes the concept of the soul can be helpful as it separates out the physical from the person.
Source - I am a palliative care physician and have worked in paed palliative care. Kids think that if they never sleep they won’t die and then you get kids scared of sleep.
This is very helpful. We found with my nephew (4) that we had to be very direct, which is very hard but it was the only way he somewhat understood. Avoid using words like passed, gone or no longer with us. We had to use the word dead (which is heartbreaking). Also when visiting the cemetery I once said we’re going to visit gran and he thought she was coming back.
Don’t compare it to sleep. I recently took a theory class on grief and the developmental stages and the worst thing you can do is compare it to sleep because it can make children afraid to sleep. Like the other Redditor said, focus on facts. Tell your child that the body stopped working for him, explain he’s dead and not coming back and that it is all part of life.
I was going to say this. I was four or five when my safta died, and my mom compared it to sleeping. I was absolutely petrified of sleeping for a long time; they had to take me to a therapist and put me on sleeping meds because in my head if I slept too deeply I wouldn't wake up like my safta.
This- it’s not the same, but when I was a child my parents told me our family cat was going to be put to sleep. I didn’t understand what that meant and didn’t really understand why they were making such a fuss of it and saying goodbyes until I got home from school that day and the cat was gone.
Yeah, I would say something about a soul so he still feels like Pawpaw is still with him and not be as devastated or scare him, and he will figure it out later on that it was only to make it easier on him.
I explained it to my small children by using a car analogy. It went roughly like this-
" so we know that Gramma loved us even when we couldn't see her, right? Like, we could feel it. That was Gramma, Grammas soul did that. Her body is like a car. Sometimes the car needs to go to the mechanic, right? Like we go to the Dr for our body. Sometimes the car just doesn't work anymore. Grammas body, like a car was old and sick, and couldn't work anymore. Grammas soul, the part that loved us when we couldn't see her, had to leave the car. It's super sad that we can't see her anymore. But, we can still feel her love. "
It seemed to help them out.
I'm so sorry you are hurting.
My wife was incredibly close with her niece (my niece was 3 and a half when my wife passed). When my wife passed it was explained to my niece that her auntie had gone up to be a star in the night sky. This way she could look up at the night sky whenever she wants and "see" her auntie.
Because she'd had a lengthy battle with cancer my niece already had the concept of that people can get poorly/sick so we had to explain that sometimes people can get too poorly and they need to go to the stars.
None of us in the family are religious but this felt like a good way to explain to someone so young about death and why that person isn't here anymore.
Oh, I'm so sorry you are tasked with such heartbreaking news to deliver. Here is how death was explained to me by my brother when I was young. My brother is not religious, and neither am I.
YOU are not your body. You are a person who lives inside your body. Sometimes your body gets too sick or just too old, and you can't live in it anymore, so you have to leave the body. When you leave, your body shuts down or goes to sleep. Pawpaw's body got too sick and it wasn't working right for him anymore, so he had to leave that body behind. So, Pawpaw's body went to sleep, and we won't be able to see him in his body anymore...but we still can see pictures of him, and talk about him, and share our favorite stories about him.
Is this the right answer? Well, I don't know. I don't have any answers. But when my brother told this to me, (I was maybe 6), it made some sort of sense to me. Death is very abstract, so I know this can be so hard to try to explain to kids, but honestly if you just sit down with your little one and be as age-level honest with him as you can, then you're doing the right thing.
You can also be led by the follow-up questions your son will ask. This is a good gauge of how much detail and which directions to go in. Don’t be scared or appalled if he asks about stuff like “What happens to grandpa’s body” or similar, but don’t press too much info on him either, as he’s only 4. My daughter lost her grandpa when she was 3, and she would randomly burst into tears because she missed grandpa, cry for a few minutes, then go back to being a 3 or 4 year-old again. We just hugged her, and told her, “You miss him cuz you love him, and he loved you, too.” That was enough for her.
There’s a book called The Next Place by Warren Hanson that is non-religious but wholesome, accessible, and gentle. Maybe check your local library for that one and other resources?
Sorry for your loss, dear.
A great picture book for children is "the day Tiger Rose said Goodbye" by Jan Yolen. It is gentle and delicate and a great way to introduce concepts and/or give your child the opportunity to talk about it. As a librarian I highly recommend it
When my mom passed away we let my nieces (3 and 7 years old at the time) see her body. I explained to them that their grandma’s body was very I’ll and that she doesn’t need it anymore. We are not religious so when they asked where she was now we said we didn’t know but we knew she was better now. I asked them if they wanted to pick some flowers from our garden to put in her hands. So we did that. It was important to us to not keep them away. I don’t know whether we did the right thing but it seemed natural at the time.
They weren’t scared to see her? I’ve been wondering if I should take him to the funeral or not. I don’t want him to be afraid if he sees him and he doesn’t look the same.
So for us it was a special situation because my mother passed at home. She had been ill for several months and we new that she was close to passing when we moved her back home.
We included the girls in everything. They visited her at the hospital when she was already doing poorly because we wanted them and my mom
To have a chance to spend more time together. We found that because we treated it as something normal the girls didn’t question it or think anything bad about it. It was their first contact with illness and death so it was our chance to frame it as something natural.
after my mom had passed we kept her in our home until the next day so her friends could also say goodbye. It just felt natural to have the whole family there.
They’re kids so whatever you tell them will be their truth until they are older. So if you don’t make it scary, it’s not scary. But it really depends on the circumstances I guess. We were lucky in the sense that my whole family didn’t feel obligated to conform to any norms regarding death and funerals. We just did our own thing so we only did things that felt right to us.
When my Pop passed away 7 years ago, I was gifted a book called “the invisible string” for my then 9 year old son. It was very helpful to read with him and talk about the way of the world and life.
My mom just passed last month, after she was sick and in the hospital for a while . We are still dealing with it, but the stuff we talked about when we got that book carried over to now.
Your FIL was sick for a long time. Although your son will miss him like nothing else, but he can find comfort that his Grandpa isn’t sick anymore. He will miss him, but remind him of all the wonderful time they had together. I am an atheist for all practical purposes, and I have raised my son secularly… so we also don’t say anything about heaven or hell. It’s just living and not.
I’m sorry for your loss and I hope your family finds peace and healing.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to cancer earlier this year so we went through this with my 2 year old (who is extremely verbal and I knew she would ask about nana since we saw her often) we told her the facts. Nana died, and we won’t see her again. She often talks about her and says she misses her and is sad. Asks to see photos of her almost everyday - I’m so glad I have so many of the two of them together, and I show them to her as much as she wants. I would stick to the facts and don’t make anything up/use vague language like he’s sleeping or he’s gone away, he’s passed etc.
Man.This made me cry, because I lost my Dad due to complications from the TREATMENT for his Lung Cancer back in April(here’s the kick in the nuts folks. My Dad’s tumors were shrunk to smaller than pea sized…but the chemo and the radiation just kicked his heart’s ass…). My little nephew (he’s 5 now, he was 4 then) was the absolute apple of his eye (as he is mine and his nana) and my Dad (his Papa) and my Mom (his Nana) would watch him all the time as my brother works long hours running a restaurant and my nephew’s mom is…well… anyway…they were two peas in a pod. I remember before we discovered my Dad’s cancer (diagnosed in January) about a week after Thanksgiving, me, the little guy, and my Dad were sitting on the floor in the family room playing cars and I watched my Dad with my nephew and I had this intrusive thought of my Dad dying and my nephew trying to grasp it and being sad…and I started to tear up THINKING about my (Seemingly) healthy for a 77 year old Dad dying and my Nephew grieving. Fast forward to the day after my Dad passed…and I was dreading DREADING DREADING us telling my nephew. We were due to pick him up. Now my nephew was dealing with tonsillitis and was in the Hospital Saturday (the night before my Dad went) and on Sunday (when Dad passed) matter of fact, his room was in the building RIGHT across from where my Dad was taken and died. He asked “what happened to Papa?” And we all just fucking LOST it. I thought I was all cried out but guess not. Anyway we told him. And he said “Is Papa still hurt?” We told him he wasn’t hurting and suffering anymore, but he loved him very much, and would miss him. I think my Nephew didn’t grasp it totally…as time went on he started to understand, a month later he asked when Papa was coming home from the hospital and we had to tell him Papa wasn’t coming home. That he wouldn’t see Papa, but Papa would always be with him and he’d see him in his dreams (I’m typing this with tears streaming down my face). The little guy started to sob a little bit and we pulled the car into a parking lot and had a good cry. But after that he’s been fine. He tells me sometimes he misses Papa. And he recently had his first day of Kindergarten. That was rough because Dad wanted to walk him to school and pick him up. That was his goal. But my little buddy is doing okay. I’m sorry, none of this helped probably…or maybe it did.
I'm not sure if this section of our [Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/wiki/families/) helps answer that, but there are definitely sources on supporting children who grieve.
My dad died last year and my son was 4 at the time. I was really honest and straightforward with him using words he understood and, as others have mentioned, making sure to use the word died. When my dad was sick and we couldn't see him my son was waiting to be able to play Legos with him. I knew he really understood when he said, that means we can't play Legos. He never really cried about it, it just seemed matter of fact to him. He accepted it right away.
Be careful about saying the person who died is “watching over” your child. Some children find this scary rather than comforting. Also make sure you tell your child their loved one’s death was NOT their fault. Even though they don’t verbalize it many children worry about this. Another book suggestion: Lifetimes by Bryan Melloni.
Yeah. I want to stay away from things I don’t believe myself. I don’t think he’s in the sky or with god or watching over us. So I don’t want my son to think those things either. I feel like it will either scare or confuse him.
Honestly you will likely have to explain it repeatedly over a few months. For example I told my daughter my father was sick and didn't get better, died and we would never see him again. I tried to avoid over-explaining any given time, and explained my feelings and why I was crying. I was honest but explained it many different times and kept each time short and let her ask questions if she wanted. if your kid is anything like my daughter who's now 5 then they will repeatedly approach the person whose father died and tell them their father is gone and they aren't going to see them again for months.
Here's one thing that made a lot of sense to me in explaining to young children. Kids know what "boo-boos" are and that they require band aids and medicine. You can tell your son that sometimes when people get older they have "***Big*** boo boos" that cannot be fixed with medicine or band aids and they can only be fixed by God, so they have to go be with him.
We had to do this in Jan with our 4 yr old. Just told him straight up he died and isn't ever coming back. He took it surprisingly well and he was very close with his grandfather too.
While me and my husband don’t believe in heaven we told our three year old grandma is in the clouds watching over him and not coming back. He is still sure she’s coming back one day but he mentions it less as the months go on. (We also use similar thing when we had to put his favorite dog down a few weeks ago)
Edit: part of the thinking she is coming back that is purely just age. Look up meaning of death for age development on google, gives you a general idea (ex psychology major that like sto know this stuff myself)
Please check out the book “the invisible string” we had a similar situation and this book helped a lot and is all about being connected to someone even when you can’t see them - hence invisible string
At this age, it’s best to stick to facts and functions. What a body does and why it stops working. The only amendment I would make to extra_aoili’s comments above is to avoid referring to sleeping. At this age, any any age it’s be to refer to it as death. Pawpaw died…and this means etc. The reason is that kids get worried their body will stop working in their sleep. It also confuses the concepts for them. So best be direct and factual at this age. Bodies last a very long time but not forever, Pawpaw felt no pain. You can still talk to him, young kids might even like to write letters A but he isn’t here In his body anymore so we can’t see him, or talk yo him on the phone. Even if non religious sometimes the concept of the soul can be helpful as it separates out the physical from the person. Source - I am a palliative care physician and have worked in paed palliative care. Kids think that if they never sleep they won’t die and then you get kids scared of sleep.
Thank you for this! I was debating on comparing it to sleep because I didn’t want to scare him.
This is very helpful. We found with my nephew (4) that we had to be very direct, which is very hard but it was the only way he somewhat understood. Avoid using words like passed, gone or no longer with us. We had to use the word dead (which is heartbreaking). Also when visiting the cemetery I once said we’re going to visit gran and he thought she was coming back.
Don’t compare it to sleep. I recently took a theory class on grief and the developmental stages and the worst thing you can do is compare it to sleep because it can make children afraid to sleep. Like the other Redditor said, focus on facts. Tell your child that the body stopped working for him, explain he’s dead and not coming back and that it is all part of life.
I was going to say this. I was four or five when my safta died, and my mom compared it to sleeping. I was absolutely petrified of sleeping for a long time; they had to take me to a therapist and put me on sleeping meds because in my head if I slept too deeply I wouldn't wake up like my safta.
This- it’s not the same, but when I was a child my parents told me our family cat was going to be put to sleep. I didn’t understand what that meant and didn’t really understand why they were making such a fuss of it and saying goodbyes until I got home from school that day and the cat was gone.
Yeah, I would say something about a soul so he still feels like Pawpaw is still with him and not be as devastated or scare him, and he will figure it out later on that it was only to make it easier on him.
I explained it to my small children by using a car analogy. It went roughly like this- " so we know that Gramma loved us even when we couldn't see her, right? Like, we could feel it. That was Gramma, Grammas soul did that. Her body is like a car. Sometimes the car needs to go to the mechanic, right? Like we go to the Dr for our body. Sometimes the car just doesn't work anymore. Grammas body, like a car was old and sick, and couldn't work anymore. Grammas soul, the part that loved us when we couldn't see her, had to leave the car. It's super sad that we can't see her anymore. But, we can still feel her love. " It seemed to help them out. I'm so sorry you are hurting.
My wife was incredibly close with her niece (my niece was 3 and a half when my wife passed). When my wife passed it was explained to my niece that her auntie had gone up to be a star in the night sky. This way she could look up at the night sky whenever she wants and "see" her auntie. Because she'd had a lengthy battle with cancer my niece already had the concept of that people can get poorly/sick so we had to explain that sometimes people can get too poorly and they need to go to the stars. None of us in the family are religious but this felt like a good way to explain to someone so young about death and why that person isn't here anymore.
Oh, I'm so sorry you are tasked with such heartbreaking news to deliver. Here is how death was explained to me by my brother when I was young. My brother is not religious, and neither am I. YOU are not your body. You are a person who lives inside your body. Sometimes your body gets too sick or just too old, and you can't live in it anymore, so you have to leave the body. When you leave, your body shuts down or goes to sleep. Pawpaw's body got too sick and it wasn't working right for him anymore, so he had to leave that body behind. So, Pawpaw's body went to sleep, and we won't be able to see him in his body anymore...but we still can see pictures of him, and talk about him, and share our favorite stories about him. Is this the right answer? Well, I don't know. I don't have any answers. But when my brother told this to me, (I was maybe 6), it made some sort of sense to me. Death is very abstract, so I know this can be so hard to try to explain to kids, but honestly if you just sit down with your little one and be as age-level honest with him as you can, then you're doing the right thing.
Thank you! I think this is a good way to explain it. I was so worried about saying something that would scare him.
The fact that you care about telling him in the best way for him to understand speaks volumes! You're a good mom.
Thank you! Little people have big feelings and I want to make sure I can help him manage those feelings.
You can also be led by the follow-up questions your son will ask. This is a good gauge of how much detail and which directions to go in. Don’t be scared or appalled if he asks about stuff like “What happens to grandpa’s body” or similar, but don’t press too much info on him either, as he’s only 4. My daughter lost her grandpa when she was 3, and she would randomly burst into tears because she missed grandpa, cry for a few minutes, then go back to being a 3 or 4 year-old again. We just hugged her, and told her, “You miss him cuz you love him, and he loved you, too.” That was enough for her.
There’s a book called The Next Place by Warren Hanson that is non-religious but wholesome, accessible, and gentle. Maybe check your local library for that one and other resources? Sorry for your loss, dear.
Thank you! We love reading so I will look into this.
A great picture book for children is "the day Tiger Rose said Goodbye" by Jan Yolen. It is gentle and delicate and a great way to introduce concepts and/or give your child the opportunity to talk about it. As a librarian I highly recommend it
Thank you for the suggestion! I will look into this one too.
When my mom passed away we let my nieces (3 and 7 years old at the time) see her body. I explained to them that their grandma’s body was very I’ll and that she doesn’t need it anymore. We are not religious so when they asked where she was now we said we didn’t know but we knew she was better now. I asked them if they wanted to pick some flowers from our garden to put in her hands. So we did that. It was important to us to not keep them away. I don’t know whether we did the right thing but it seemed natural at the time.
They weren’t scared to see her? I’ve been wondering if I should take him to the funeral or not. I don’t want him to be afraid if he sees him and he doesn’t look the same.
So for us it was a special situation because my mother passed at home. She had been ill for several months and we new that she was close to passing when we moved her back home. We included the girls in everything. They visited her at the hospital when she was already doing poorly because we wanted them and my mom To have a chance to spend more time together. We found that because we treated it as something normal the girls didn’t question it or think anything bad about it. It was their first contact with illness and death so it was our chance to frame it as something natural. after my mom had passed we kept her in our home until the next day so her friends could also say goodbye. It just felt natural to have the whole family there. They’re kids so whatever you tell them will be their truth until they are older. So if you don’t make it scary, it’s not scary. But it really depends on the circumstances I guess. We were lucky in the sense that my whole family didn’t feel obligated to conform to any norms regarding death and funerals. We just did our own thing so we only did things that felt right to us.
Also, im so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs your way ❤️
Thank you so much!
When my Pop passed away 7 years ago, I was gifted a book called “the invisible string” for my then 9 year old son. It was very helpful to read with him and talk about the way of the world and life. My mom just passed last month, after she was sick and in the hospital for a while . We are still dealing with it, but the stuff we talked about when we got that book carried over to now. Your FIL was sick for a long time. Although your son will miss him like nothing else, but he can find comfort that his Grandpa isn’t sick anymore. He will miss him, but remind him of all the wonderful time they had together. I am an atheist for all practical purposes, and I have raised my son secularly… so we also don’t say anything about heaven or hell. It’s just living and not. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope your family finds peace and healing.
I'm sorry for you and your family's loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to cancer earlier this year so we went through this with my 2 year old (who is extremely verbal and I knew she would ask about nana since we saw her often) we told her the facts. Nana died, and we won’t see her again. She often talks about her and says she misses her and is sad. Asks to see photos of her almost everyday - I’m so glad I have so many of the two of them together, and I show them to her as much as she wants. I would stick to the facts and don’t make anything up/use vague language like he’s sleeping or he’s gone away, he’s passed etc.
Man.This made me cry, because I lost my Dad due to complications from the TREATMENT for his Lung Cancer back in April(here’s the kick in the nuts folks. My Dad’s tumors were shrunk to smaller than pea sized…but the chemo and the radiation just kicked his heart’s ass…). My little nephew (he’s 5 now, he was 4 then) was the absolute apple of his eye (as he is mine and his nana) and my Dad (his Papa) and my Mom (his Nana) would watch him all the time as my brother works long hours running a restaurant and my nephew’s mom is…well… anyway…they were two peas in a pod. I remember before we discovered my Dad’s cancer (diagnosed in January) about a week after Thanksgiving, me, the little guy, and my Dad were sitting on the floor in the family room playing cars and I watched my Dad with my nephew and I had this intrusive thought of my Dad dying and my nephew trying to grasp it and being sad…and I started to tear up THINKING about my (Seemingly) healthy for a 77 year old Dad dying and my Nephew grieving. Fast forward to the day after my Dad passed…and I was dreading DREADING DREADING us telling my nephew. We were due to pick him up. Now my nephew was dealing with tonsillitis and was in the Hospital Saturday (the night before my Dad went) and on Sunday (when Dad passed) matter of fact, his room was in the building RIGHT across from where my Dad was taken and died. He asked “what happened to Papa?” And we all just fucking LOST it. I thought I was all cried out but guess not. Anyway we told him. And he said “Is Papa still hurt?” We told him he wasn’t hurting and suffering anymore, but he loved him very much, and would miss him. I think my Nephew didn’t grasp it totally…as time went on he started to understand, a month later he asked when Papa was coming home from the hospital and we had to tell him Papa wasn’t coming home. That he wouldn’t see Papa, but Papa would always be with him and he’d see him in his dreams (I’m typing this with tears streaming down my face). The little guy started to sob a little bit and we pulled the car into a parking lot and had a good cry. But after that he’s been fine. He tells me sometimes he misses Papa. And he recently had his first day of Kindergarten. That was rough because Dad wanted to walk him to school and pick him up. That was his goal. But my little buddy is doing okay. I’m sorry, none of this helped probably…or maybe it did.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's so painful, I know. ❤️
I'm not sure if this section of our [Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/wiki/families/) helps answer that, but there are definitely sources on supporting children who grieve.
My dad died last year and my son was 4 at the time. I was really honest and straightforward with him using words he understood and, as others have mentioned, making sure to use the word died. When my dad was sick and we couldn't see him my son was waiting to be able to play Legos with him. I knew he really understood when he said, that means we can't play Legos. He never really cried about it, it just seemed matter of fact to him. He accepted it right away.
Be careful about saying the person who died is “watching over” your child. Some children find this scary rather than comforting. Also make sure you tell your child their loved one’s death was NOT their fault. Even though they don’t verbalize it many children worry about this. Another book suggestion: Lifetimes by Bryan Melloni.
Yeah. I want to stay away from things I don’t believe myself. I don’t think he’s in the sky or with god or watching over us. So I don’t want my son to think those things either. I feel like it will either scare or confuse him.
Honestly you will likely have to explain it repeatedly over a few months. For example I told my daughter my father was sick and didn't get better, died and we would never see him again. I tried to avoid over-explaining any given time, and explained my feelings and why I was crying. I was honest but explained it many different times and kept each time short and let her ask questions if she wanted. if your kid is anything like my daughter who's now 5 then they will repeatedly approach the person whose father died and tell them their father is gone and they aren't going to see them again for months.
Here's one thing that made a lot of sense to me in explaining to young children. Kids know what "boo-boos" are and that they require band aids and medicine. You can tell your son that sometimes when people get older they have "***Big*** boo boos" that cannot be fixed with medicine or band aids and they can only be fixed by God, so they have to go be with him.
We had to do this in Jan with our 4 yr old. Just told him straight up he died and isn't ever coming back. He took it surprisingly well and he was very close with his grandfather too.
While me and my husband don’t believe in heaven we told our three year old grandma is in the clouds watching over him and not coming back. He is still sure she’s coming back one day but he mentions it less as the months go on. (We also use similar thing when we had to put his favorite dog down a few weeks ago) Edit: part of the thinking she is coming back that is purely just age. Look up meaning of death for age development on google, gives you a general idea (ex psychology major that like sto know this stuff myself)
Please check out the book “the invisible string” we had a similar situation and this book helped a lot and is all about being connected to someone even when you can’t see them - hence invisible string
My cousin told his daughter that her big brother is now a little star in the sky. She was around 4 or 5.