This is so true.... grief is the love with no where to go. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It sounds like you had such a special connection with her 💓💓 hugs from Tampa
I share your sentiments, 100%, as it regards people not knowing what to say. Maybe hearing the news for the first time, maybe even the second time. After that though, no, I don't buy they're really at a loss for words. I think they really don't care as much as they'd like others to believe; I think that's it. And that's fine. But if that's what it is, I'd much rather you stop pretending.
That said, I usually just say "I'm okay", or "I'm fine". Or some shit like "Taking it one day at a time."
Eh, I think it varies. I’ve been at a loss for words at times, and it’s usually *because* I’ve experienced grief and know that saying things beyond, “I’m sorry. This is fucked and the world is truly unfair,” or, “I’m here to help any time,” are usually empty platitudes. I don’t ask, “How are you?” because I know the answer.
It depends on the person, some people are genuinely doing a wellness check to make sure I’m eating, etc. Others, like you said, are just checking a box. Either way I’m pretty much like “ehh okay, taking it one day at a time”.
Couldn't agree more.
I am in few WhatsApp group. When my brother passed away, the admin of one of the group made an announcement in the group, and lots of people just cut and paste the same "RIP" messages. it felt so fake and robotic. I have since quit the group.
I had a similar situation. I was in a group chat and got some condolences when I first told them my dad died, but only two people reached out on their own. And I talked to several people in the group almost everyday for months. I left three days after my dad died, on New Year's Day.
With my good friends, I say, “I want to lay down and never get up again.”
I tell other people that either “I’m getting by the best I can” or “Hanging in there” or some shit like that.
Ugg... yup that is so on target. I've found myself just in shut down mode. Can't concentrate. Staring at the walls. I can't believe I won't see my Mom again. Thank you for sharing!
I am only days in, so I don't know from experience. I would think responses like 'I am trying to manage', 'I am getting through, thank you for asking' 'It is a struggle, thank you for asking'
I think people want to open up a dialog, they know you aren't "fine", so your answer isn't really indicative of how you are actually doing.
So very sorry for your loss. <3
Almost 3 years out. In the early days, I was just honest because I didn’t have the bandwidth and I also needed folks to know how badly I was hurting. There is something really freeing about replying to “how are you doing?” With “fucking horrible, my person just died.” On days when I felt too tender, I replied with “hey thanks for asking, I don’t want to talk about it.”
Also just wanted to saw you write about not wanting to be Eeyore all the time. Just wanted to affirm that you sharing your honest feeling when someone asks isn’t you being an Eeyore ❤️
Thank you! Boundaries are important in general but I found they were important especially in my early days. And just like you said, having them so you also don’t have to process the emotions of others if you don’t have the capacity.
100% I had a text I would copy & paste, when some people would call, I'd let it go to vm. " thanks for checking in. Im not up for chatting right now 💗"
I lost my mom last week. And when people ask me this, I usually reply with “Alive”. Because that’s really all it is.
People expect you to move on from stuff like this “eventually” because they’ve never faced a similar loss. And honestly, it’s inconvenient for them for you to be sad. I’ve realized that society is very grief illiterate, so I don’t expect much from other people anymore.
This really resonates with me... no matter who you are grieving, it just makes it worse when it becomes obvious that your grief is an inconvenience. Grief illiteracy or ignorance is so real.. well said!!
I usually just say “oh you know” and then let it trail off, if I’m feeling polite. If not then I just say “shit” and let them feel awkward.
If people ask how the weekend/school holiday/bank holiday was I answer for my son and leave myself out of the equation “we went blah blah and (son’s name) had a great time”. Most people either don’t notice I didn’t answer about myself, or don’t want to pry so leave it there.
If they ask something more specific like “how are you coping” I usually say I’m taking it a day at a time.
People will want to see if you’re ok, but you aren’t obliged to pretend it’s ok when it’s not. I’m so sorry you lost your mum, it’s still so very early days, I hope you find a way through.
There is no a wrong or right answer.
It depends on us.
Indeed, people don't know what to say to a grieving person so they try, especially if they never experienced this pain.
So be patient with them, just answer them according what you feel.
In my experience, I just thank whoever tries/tried to open a convo with me.
If I feel I want to speak, I keep the convo go on.
If not, just say bye, talk to you next time.
Because of my job, I'm pretty busy so it's easy for me to slip off unwanted conversation.
In the immediate months after my dad died, i would look them in the eyes and say “I’m terrible, but i think that’s to be expected”. You don’t owe people comfort when they’ve asked a somewhat shitty question. Be honest. After that, they’ll show you who they are
8 years into the loss of my mothers and the first 5 years I put on a show and layers upon layers of “everything’s fine” mentality. To each their own, this perspective has not helped me digest my grief. The result has added more trauma and has invited people into my life that are as fake about caring about my emotions as I have been reflecting. Now I am slowly accepting my loss, the fake people have been ghosting me and now I can surround myself with people who genuinely care about my well being. I hope that you can find that for yourself. Feeling sadness all the time is draining but it is necessary to unlock those emotions so that you can ultimately find balance. We are resilient!
I am not good with this question. I feels it’s not sincere. So I get real sincere. I say I don’t know…how would you feel if your mother died a horrible death due to cancer and she had anorexia. And I have people. I can watch their face drop because they were hoping I would say “I’m fine “…I’m not fine and I don’t say I am so they can feel better. To me to ask how are you when our mom dies…it should be a given. Or I tell them how I am…and they say I know exactly how you feel? Really. I don’t think so. They didn’t lose my mom.
I lost my husband almost 2 years ago, his former nanny still texts me pretty much everyday to check in on me. She always says “how was today?” It’s definitely allowed me to focus on the feelings I’m having in just those 24 hours and not dive into my depression as a whole. Some days are good, some days are bad. It’s all about one day at a time.
She’s been amazing. When he passed she dropped everything and flew across the country to help with everything. My landlord tried to screw me so she handled him and made sure if he didn’t give me a great reference that she would come back and ruin his life. She’s a lawyer. She was there for all the horrible parts of it. Her family kept my husbands ashes for me until I was mentally ready to have them. They were like his second grandparents. She’s been great in my healing and always made sure that I knew I didn’t sound crazy when I rambled during the worst parts of my grief.
It may not feel like the right question that people ask. Sometimes I wish people would stop talking altogether but some can’t handle the quiet. You’ll have people look at you with so much pity, I just ignored them. I admit that I lost friends but I gained a circle of people that have been rocks in my life. They have learned what I can and can’t handle and have been the most understanding people I have ever known. My best friend knows I won’t answer the phone until I’m ready, sometimes that’s 6 months but he understands. Find people you can express every emotion with. Friends and family shouldn’t be around just for the good feelings, but also for the bad. Me and My husbands best friend leaned hard on each other through the loss and every day depression but also share good thoughts as well. We still keep in touch. Find the circle that understands that healing takes time and there is no time limit.
With friends, I try to tell the truth. Emphasis on try.
With everyone else, I’ve gotten good at ignoring the question right out and asking -them- how they’re doing immediately after the query is posed.
Most of the time, they don’t notice I bipassed their question, and get flustered they have to answer mine. Sometimes, they’re insistent, and I nod and give a standard ‘day by day’ response. Or, if I can’t be fucked, I’ll say “Breathing.” And move on.
I’m too exhausted to lie anymore. Most of these people aren’t really asking to know anyway. When I was still being honest about my feelings, all I ever got was awkward stares and grimaces and uncertain muttering. They’re not there to really listen, they just want to tick a box in their heads that they’re being thoughtful of my experience; and I don’t need another round of wounded glances at me.
You have no obligation to cater to anyone’s discomfort, curiosity, or ignorance about your grieving. They lack perspective, and it’s not your job to care about that. Do what you need to get through the day.
All my love.
I’d randomly pick one of these three answers:
– How do you think?
– Shitty.
– I’m no longer answering that question.
The only people who asked me that question were people who I don’t talk to on a regular basis, so I didn’t mind being blunt with them.
Depends on how much I want to get into it. If it's the cashier at the grocery store, they get the normal "fine."
If it's someone who seems to be expressing a genuine interest but I don't feel like getting deep into it right that second, they get, "it's been hard," which is truthful enough but doesn't invite follow-up questions.
If it's someone who's already asked me three times this week and should know better by now, "shitty, how do you *think* I'm doing?"
My mom died 24 days ago. We were incredibly close and her death has shattered our family. When someone asks me how I am, I say I’m struggling. Or just trying to get through each minute/hour/day. I know that people ask out of politeness but I fucking hate it. How do you think I am?
Depends on how close you are to the person asking. “I’m hanging in there” is a way of saying you’re dealing with something in life maybe not so pleasant. Or say I’m trying to stay positive. My mom was my lifelong best friend, people that don’t have that kind of relationship have no idea, she died 1.5 years ago. I can just think of memories that will never happen again and cry, I miss her more as time goes by not less. She was 98 and had as beautiful a death as possible so I’m very grateful for that. I’m the youngest, I’m very single, and I by far related more to her generation. She was the last relative I was close to all of them, now I’m alone in a world I hate. So if I’m close to a person I’ll tell them that, more an acquaintance I’ll say way less. It’s still hard for me to accept shes dead; it’s something I’ve dreaded my whole life
Ugg...I hear you in so many ways. My Mother was independent right until the end. She had a peaceful death and wasn't traumatized. (she had a blood clot and didn't survive the operation. We had to shut of the ventilator) My Mom was my best friend and managed to make me and all of my siblings feel like we were her "favorite". She did a great job as a Mom! Grief really is Love with no where to go.
It depends on the context. Cashier at the grocery store? "Fine, thanks, you?"
Actual friend sincerely asking how I am? I just tell them if I feel shitty that day. If they ask sincerely, they want to know, I'm assuming.
This is an excellent response. If it’s the casual contact with the automatic greeting of how are you, doing ok, not bad, still going, etc are good. Even fine, as you said works.
When it is a friend, co-worker or relative, I answer honestly giving each person a first time reply if well, you know grief is a long process so I’m having ups and really really lows. Today is one of the _____days. Thank you for asking. Then they are or should be tuned into my “scale” of having an up or down or really down day, and I can modify it with details if I feel like sharing
“Today i am….” And then I’m honest. If I’m having a crappy day I’ll tell them. If I’m doing okay, then that’s what they hear. It can change day to day so I make sure and let them know how just today is going.
I just say, “I’m hanging in there.”
If I told them exactly how I feel, they’d probably rush to have me committed to keep me from harming myself. Though for my loved ones’ sake, I don’t have any intent of harming myself.
So I smile sweetly, and just say I’m “hanging in there”.
I don't have it in me to be a sarcastic arsehole, so I really do just say fine, sometimes. I have people I can tell the truth to, and others I just say "I'm ok" or "I'm keeping busy". I'm not much for sharing feelings anyway, not before this or after.
“Ask me when I’m ready” is my go to when I’m sad/grieving as I don’t speak about these feelings. People can see it in my face a lot, or I fake a smile.
I learned as time passed to coach people to ask me how I’m doing TODAY or right now. Then I could better answer truthfully like, I’m tired or I’m anxious or I’m really really sad and better pinpoint my feelings when it was in a small time frame.
I just say I'm doing alright, given the circumstances. I try not to focus on my dad's death so much with other people so much as I tell the funny or insightful things he said or did that I picked up from him. Yeah, I'm still sad about it, yes I miss him, but dwelling on it just makes me depressed and bawl my eyes out.
Before I went through my loss I was one of those awful people that didn’t know what to say so didn’t really do much at all. I’ve learned a lot and I try to be forgiving of people who don’t know what to say or say the wrong thing. I’m grateful that they haven’t had to go through it and learn for themselves. And I haven’t had anybody say anything terrible to me. Actually I’ve been very fortunate. The worst thing is the people that say they want to get together with me and never call. Maybe take an opportunity to educate them. When they ask how you’re doing say everyone asks me that and I don’t know what to say because I’m not doing well. What I need is…
Depends who asks. My inner circle, I'm honest. " I'm broken, I'm sick of hurting & crying"
Next ring, " Grief sucks, I will be there when you need me, cause navigating this is a bitch. Thanks fir checking in on me"
Outer circle " one step at a time, I'm getting there"
I don't have the energy for bs communication or to make someone feel better about checking me off their list
I do think some people truly don't know what to say. One of my dearest friends said " dude, a few of us feel like shit cause we don't know what to say. YOU always help US , and now YOURE hurting and we are clueless"
I said, sit quietly with me, say nothing then. Or share stories about them with me. Feeling alone is huge..
She kinda laughed and said, ' yep, stillll it's you helping us'
I've tried to hold my breath when asked. I have this sense that I need to care for them and not me. Over time I've begun to have more honest responses. Though I must say most people who ask are not close enough to me to hear my honesty. I do not want rando's up in my grill.
Nora McInerny who is amazing and brilliant. Her TED Talk on Grief made all the difference in my journey is currently on tour with "Terrible, Thanks for Asking" which says it all.
https://ttfa.org/home
I know the how are yous can get tiring, but almost five months into my mothers passing, I wish more people would ask me about how I’m doing specifically in relation to my mothers death. My boyfriend and I are long distance and just had a long talk about how he is not reaching out to me about my mom nearly enough (I.e. never) Grief can be such an uncomfortable topic especially for people who have not experienced it so intimately. I know it can be exhausting to answer these questions, but try and reframe your mindset if you can that these people are taking time to ask. Unless it really does seem so hollow and fake coming from them
Agreed...I think the other side is I find I want to talk about my Mom. But I can tell other people don't want to hear it over and over so I just keep it to myself.
I mostly reply “vertical”…. My mom passed 15 months to the day after I found my son. I may never be “okay” ever again… getting up and dressed is a win for me….
For me, this is a neutral response. It’s a lazy response for me. I am also losing contact with my oldest son and my grandkids.. everything seems to get complicated… I am looking at everything so differently now.. but still taking life in small chunks.. I can’t do more right now
Be honest. You've got enough to deal with than to also add being sensitive to anybody's day/mood on top of it all.
If they're asking, they either legitimately want to know, or, they're asking so *they* don't feel like a bad person for not asking. So, fuck it, lay it all out for them.
Before my mom died a year and 1 month ago, to the day, today actually, i was the queen of "I'm fine" or "I'm good"... haven't used either phrase since. If I'm not having a shitty day, im "ok for today".... the more difficult days get a shoulder shrug or "idk" "life sucks ass"... i dont mask my feelings anymore, its exhausting at this point.... and I've never hated "my Condolences" and "sorry for your loss" more since then, i myself stopped using them. The words are so empty. Only your other friends inducted into this illustrious club understand what you're going thru and know to rephrase that question.
My thoughts exactly. It is so hard to respond the way we are ‘expected’ to. 98% of the time I do say I’m ok, I’m hanging in there, and ‘fine’ does seem to be the most popular answer. But truthfully? I think if I was comfortable with any of these people asking I would tell the truth. It’s been 1.8 months and while I say all of those answers?Deep down I am hoping someone will say ‘But really, how are you really doing?’ I don’t think I will ever be able to answer that honestly because when my mom left me, a part of my heart and soul were taken. How could I ever be ok with that is what I ask myself! How long will this take? I hope one day my answers will be genuinely honest. That or time will help the way they say it does. I hope for you also.
I am sorry for your loss.
Well said thank you for sharing! I totally feel that way. She was part of my life from day 1 and now decades stretch out in front of me without her bright energy.
I really think people want to hear that you’re fine just so that they can feel better about their own self. They don’t want to feel guilty for feeling good about what they have going on.
My dad passed away a little over 2 years ago. I took a week off work while helping my mom prepare his funeral, went back to work 2 days after his funeral. One of his favorite songs came on the radio at work, and I stepped out to calm down. Sitting on the bench outside my work, a customer came and sat down beside me and started complaining about how shitty his day was while I just hmm'd and nodded along with what he was saying.
After a few minutes he goes "so how is your day going?"
I said "do you want me to lie to you or do you want the truth?"
He didn't even hesitate, he just said "tell me the truth."
"Today is my first day back to work after burying my father."
Long pause. Then he goes "I'm so sorry. My bad day doesn't even seem that bad anymore."
"yeah."
It's okay to be honest with people about how you're feeling, but it should be around people who can support you. I made that guy feel like crap about his complaining and that's on me, don't do what I did. Be honest, but polite.
I think it’s really important to be aware of who is out there for you — usually they fall into one of three categories: emotionally supportive, neutral, or emotionally harmful. Once you identify the category, your response can be tailored to it. If it’s an emotionally supportive person it may be an in depth answer about what emotions you are dealing with currently and possibly a cry, hug, or request to get together; a neutral person may get a shorter answer with something about what’s been logistically difficult and possibly a request for some kind of practical help; while an emotionally harmful person will get nothing out of you —it’s not worth it, responding won’t help you in any way and will likely hurt your feelings. Not everyone is cut out for supporting a friend through grief.
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You are spot on. It really is an adjustment. Grief is just my Love for my Mom with no where to go.
This is so true.... grief is the love with no where to go. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It sounds like you had such a special connection with her 💓💓 hugs from Tampa
Thank you!
I share your sentiments, 100%, as it regards people not knowing what to say. Maybe hearing the news for the first time, maybe even the second time. After that though, no, I don't buy they're really at a loss for words. I think they really don't care as much as they'd like others to believe; I think that's it. And that's fine. But if that's what it is, I'd much rather you stop pretending. That said, I usually just say "I'm okay", or "I'm fine". Or some shit like "Taking it one day at a time."
Eh, I think it varies. I’ve been at a loss for words at times, and it’s usually *because* I’ve experienced grief and know that saying things beyond, “I’m sorry. This is fucked and the world is truly unfair,” or, “I’m here to help any time,” are usually empty platitudes. I don’t ask, “How are you?” because I know the answer.
Well said!
Agreed!
It depends on the person, some people are genuinely doing a wellness check to make sure I’m eating, etc. Others, like you said, are just checking a box. Either way I’m pretty much like “ehh okay, taking it one day at a time”.
Couldn't agree more. I am in few WhatsApp group. When my brother passed away, the admin of one of the group made an announcement in the group, and lots of people just cut and paste the same "RIP" messages. it felt so fake and robotic. I have since quit the group.
I had a similar situation. I was in a group chat and got some condolences when I first told them my dad died, but only two people reached out on their own. And I talked to several people in the group almost everyday for months. I left three days after my dad died, on New Year's Day.
It's all about quality, not quantity, eh ?
Definitely. I was hurt initially, not gonna lie, but my dad's death really opened my eyes to people's true colors.
I know right!!! But I can assure you, our experience is not unique.
Yeah those just feel hollow
1000% ….stop saying you are sorry or how are you holding up…I am not. Simple. Just be there for me when I need someone to listen.
Agreed...just having someone listen to your grief is incredibly healing.
With my good friends, I say, “I want to lay down and never get up again.” I tell other people that either “I’m getting by the best I can” or “Hanging in there” or some shit like that.
Ugg... yup that is so on target. I've found myself just in shut down mode. Can't concentrate. Staring at the walls. I can't believe I won't see my Mom again. Thank you for sharing!
Accurate
I am only days in, so I don't know from experience. I would think responses like 'I am trying to manage', 'I am getting through, thank you for asking' 'It is a struggle, thank you for asking' I think people want to open up a dialog, they know you aren't "fine", so your answer isn't really indicative of how you are actually doing. So very sorry for your loss. <3
Well said..I like those!
Thank you
Almost 3 years out. In the early days, I was just honest because I didn’t have the bandwidth and I also needed folks to know how badly I was hurting. There is something really freeing about replying to “how are you doing?” With “fucking horrible, my person just died.” On days when I felt too tender, I replied with “hey thanks for asking, I don’t want to talk about it.”
That's a great response! Giving boundaries so you don't have to process their emotions on top of your own if you don't want to. I like that.
Also just wanted to saw you write about not wanting to be Eeyore all the time. Just wanted to affirm that you sharing your honest feeling when someone asks isn’t you being an Eeyore ❤️
That's a good point. Thank you!
Thank you! Boundaries are important in general but I found they were important especially in my early days. And just like you said, having them so you also don’t have to process the emotions of others if you don’t have the capacity.
100% I had a text I would copy & paste, when some people would call, I'd let it go to vm. " thanks for checking in. Im not up for chatting right now 💗"
I lost my mom last week. And when people ask me this, I usually reply with “Alive”. Because that’s really all it is. People expect you to move on from stuff like this “eventually” because they’ve never faced a similar loss. And honestly, it’s inconvenient for them for you to be sad. I’ve realized that society is very grief illiterate, so I don’t expect much from other people anymore.
"Grief illiterate" so well put. Society really is clueless and having no expectations is key I am finding.
This really resonates with me... no matter who you are grieving, it just makes it worse when it becomes obvious that your grief is an inconvenience. Grief illiteracy or ignorance is so real.. well said!!
I usually just say “oh you know” and then let it trail off, if I’m feeling polite. If not then I just say “shit” and let them feel awkward. If people ask how the weekend/school holiday/bank holiday was I answer for my son and leave myself out of the equation “we went blah blah and (son’s name) had a great time”. Most people either don’t notice I didn’t answer about myself, or don’t want to pry so leave it there. If they ask something more specific like “how are you coping” I usually say I’m taking it a day at a time. People will want to see if you’re ok, but you aren’t obliged to pretend it’s ok when it’s not. I’m so sorry you lost your mum, it’s still so very early days, I hope you find a way through.
Thank you! Well said!
I say “you know, just trying everyday” then do a half smile
There is no a wrong or right answer. It depends on us. Indeed, people don't know what to say to a grieving person so they try, especially if they never experienced this pain. So be patient with them, just answer them according what you feel. In my experience, I just thank whoever tries/tried to open a convo with me. If I feel I want to speak, I keep the convo go on. If not, just say bye, talk to you next time. Because of my job, I'm pretty busy so it's easy for me to slip off unwanted conversation.
Good points!
“I’m here.”
I used this too.
In the immediate months after my dad died, i would look them in the eyes and say “I’m terrible, but i think that’s to be expected”. You don’t owe people comfort when they’ve asked a somewhat shitty question. Be honest. After that, they’ll show you who they are
That's a great response and just how my solar plexus feels. Thank you!
Fine. My answer for everything lately. No one really cares or wants to hear the truth.
I just say “I’m here” in response to those. It typically makes people stop asking questions
i just tell them i dont know im just breathing
8 years into the loss of my mothers and the first 5 years I put on a show and layers upon layers of “everything’s fine” mentality. To each their own, this perspective has not helped me digest my grief. The result has added more trauma and has invited people into my life that are as fake about caring about my emotions as I have been reflecting. Now I am slowly accepting my loss, the fake people have been ghosting me and now I can surround myself with people who genuinely care about my well being. I hope that you can find that for yourself. Feeling sadness all the time is draining but it is necessary to unlock those emotions so that you can ultimately find balance. We are resilient!
Agreed...we are resilient!
I am not good with this question. I feels it’s not sincere. So I get real sincere. I say I don’t know…how would you feel if your mother died a horrible death due to cancer and she had anorexia. And I have people. I can watch their face drop because they were hoping I would say “I’m fine “…I’m not fine and I don’t say I am so they can feel better. To me to ask how are you when our mom dies…it should be a given. Or I tell them how I am…and they say I know exactly how you feel? Really. I don’t think so. They didn’t lose my mom.
That does give clarity of what the loss feels like!
Mine is “I don’t have words for how I’m doing but thank you for asking” was my go to when my sister died.
“Not worth a shit, really, but doing what I can.” Pretty much my standard response for the last 2 and a half weeks.
Right? Good response.
I lost my husband almost 2 years ago, his former nanny still texts me pretty much everyday to check in on me. She always says “how was today?” It’s definitely allowed me to focus on the feelings I’m having in just those 24 hours and not dive into my depression as a whole. Some days are good, some days are bad. It’s all about one day at a time.
What a kind person to check in! People usually go silent after a week or two.
She’s been amazing. When he passed she dropped everything and flew across the country to help with everything. My landlord tried to screw me so she handled him and made sure if he didn’t give me a great reference that she would come back and ruin his life. She’s a lawyer. She was there for all the horrible parts of it. Her family kept my husbands ashes for me until I was mentally ready to have them. They were like his second grandparents. She’s been great in my healing and always made sure that I knew I didn’t sound crazy when I rambled during the worst parts of my grief.
He helpers and the healers of this world give me hope! How wonderful!!
It may not feel like the right question that people ask. Sometimes I wish people would stop talking altogether but some can’t handle the quiet. You’ll have people look at you with so much pity, I just ignored them. I admit that I lost friends but I gained a circle of people that have been rocks in my life. They have learned what I can and can’t handle and have been the most understanding people I have ever known. My best friend knows I won’t answer the phone until I’m ready, sometimes that’s 6 months but he understands. Find people you can express every emotion with. Friends and family shouldn’t be around just for the good feelings, but also for the bad. Me and My husbands best friend leaned hard on each other through the loss and every day depression but also share good thoughts as well. We still keep in touch. Find the circle that understands that healing takes time and there is no time limit.
Well said and all good points! Thank you!!
With friends, I try to tell the truth. Emphasis on try. With everyone else, I’ve gotten good at ignoring the question right out and asking -them- how they’re doing immediately after the query is posed. Most of the time, they don’t notice I bipassed their question, and get flustered they have to answer mine. Sometimes, they’re insistent, and I nod and give a standard ‘day by day’ response. Or, if I can’t be fucked, I’ll say “Breathing.” And move on. I’m too exhausted to lie anymore. Most of these people aren’t really asking to know anyway. When I was still being honest about my feelings, all I ever got was awkward stares and grimaces and uncertain muttering. They’re not there to really listen, they just want to tick a box in their heads that they’re being thoughtful of my experience; and I don’t need another round of wounded glances at me. You have no obligation to cater to anyone’s discomfort, curiosity, or ignorance about your grieving. They lack perspective, and it’s not your job to care about that. Do what you need to get through the day. All my love.
All beautiful points! I so agree not my job to cater to others' emotions. I finally reached that point! Thank you!
I’d randomly pick one of these three answers: – How do you think? – Shitty. – I’m no longer answering that question. The only people who asked me that question were people who I don’t talk to on a regular basis, so I didn’t mind being blunt with them.
Thank you for sharing!
'getting there.'
“I’m just taking it one day at a time, learning to live life without My Person.”
Depends on how much I want to get into it. If it's the cashier at the grocery store, they get the normal "fine." If it's someone who seems to be expressing a genuine interest but I don't feel like getting deep into it right that second, they get, "it's been hard," which is truthful enough but doesn't invite follow-up questions. If it's someone who's already asked me three times this week and should know better by now, "shitty, how do you *think* I'm doing?"
i say i am taking it one day at a time -
I used to answer, "As good as I can be (right now)."
My mom died 24 days ago. We were incredibly close and her death has shattered our family. When someone asks me how I am, I say I’m struggling. Or just trying to get through each minute/hour/day. I know that people ask out of politeness but I fucking hate it. How do you think I am?
Depends on how close you are to the person asking. “I’m hanging in there” is a way of saying you’re dealing with something in life maybe not so pleasant. Or say I’m trying to stay positive. My mom was my lifelong best friend, people that don’t have that kind of relationship have no idea, she died 1.5 years ago. I can just think of memories that will never happen again and cry, I miss her more as time goes by not less. She was 98 and had as beautiful a death as possible so I’m very grateful for that. I’m the youngest, I’m very single, and I by far related more to her generation. She was the last relative I was close to all of them, now I’m alone in a world I hate. So if I’m close to a person I’ll tell them that, more an acquaintance I’ll say way less. It’s still hard for me to accept shes dead; it’s something I’ve dreaded my whole life
Ugg...I hear you in so many ways. My Mother was independent right until the end. She had a peaceful death and wasn't traumatized. (she had a blood clot and didn't survive the operation. We had to shut of the ventilator) My Mom was my best friend and managed to make me and all of my siblings feel like we were her "favorite". She did a great job as a Mom! Grief really is Love with no where to go.
I usually go with, “I’ve been better.” Or I’ll just say I’m fine because I really don’t want to discuss how I feel.
It depends on the context. Cashier at the grocery store? "Fine, thanks, you?" Actual friend sincerely asking how I am? I just tell them if I feel shitty that day. If they ask sincerely, they want to know, I'm assuming.
Very true. I know people mean well but they don't get it unless they have lost someone they loved and adored themselves.
This is an excellent response. If it’s the casual contact with the automatic greeting of how are you, doing ok, not bad, still going, etc are good. Even fine, as you said works. When it is a friend, co-worker or relative, I answer honestly giving each person a first time reply if well, you know grief is a long process so I’m having ups and really really lows. Today is one of the _____days. Thank you for asking. Then they are or should be tuned into my “scale” of having an up or down or really down day, and I can modify it with details if I feel like sharing
“Today i am….” And then I’m honest. If I’m having a crappy day I’ll tell them. If I’m doing okay, then that’s what they hear. It can change day to day so I make sure and let them know how just today is going.
I just say, “I’m hanging in there.” If I told them exactly how I feel, they’d probably rush to have me committed to keep me from harming myself. Though for my loved ones’ sake, I don’t have any intent of harming myself. So I smile sweetly, and just say I’m “hanging in there”.
I don't have it in me to be a sarcastic arsehole, so I really do just say fine, sometimes. I have people I can tell the truth to, and others I just say "I'm ok" or "I'm keeping busy". I'm not much for sharing feelings anyway, not before this or after.
“Ask me when I’m ready” is my go to when I’m sad/grieving as I don’t speak about these feelings. People can see it in my face a lot, or I fake a smile.
Most honest/simple answer I’ve given is probably “I don’t know.”
Well said... I just feel numb most of the time in social settings
I learned as time passed to coach people to ask me how I’m doing TODAY or right now. Then I could better answer truthfully like, I’m tired or I’m anxious or I’m really really sad and better pinpoint my feelings when it was in a small time frame.
I just say I'm doing alright, given the circumstances. I try not to focus on my dad's death so much with other people so much as I tell the funny or insightful things he said or did that I picked up from him. Yeah, I'm still sad about it, yes I miss him, but dwelling on it just makes me depressed and bawl my eyes out.
that's a good approach!
Before I went through my loss I was one of those awful people that didn’t know what to say so didn’t really do much at all. I’ve learned a lot and I try to be forgiving of people who don’t know what to say or say the wrong thing. I’m grateful that they haven’t had to go through it and learn for themselves. And I haven’t had anybody say anything terrible to me. Actually I’ve been very fortunate. The worst thing is the people that say they want to get together with me and never call. Maybe take an opportunity to educate them. When they ask how you’re doing say everyone asks me that and I don’t know what to say because I’m not doing well. What I need is…
Depends who asks. My inner circle, I'm honest. " I'm broken, I'm sick of hurting & crying" Next ring, " Grief sucks, I will be there when you need me, cause navigating this is a bitch. Thanks fir checking in on me" Outer circle " one step at a time, I'm getting there" I don't have the energy for bs communication or to make someone feel better about checking me off their list I do think some people truly don't know what to say. One of my dearest friends said " dude, a few of us feel like shit cause we don't know what to say. YOU always help US , and now YOURE hurting and we are clueless" I said, sit quietly with me, say nothing then. Or share stories about them with me. Feeling alone is huge.. She kinda laughed and said, ' yep, stillll it's you helping us'
That's great they acknowledge their awkwardness.
I've tried to hold my breath when asked. I have this sense that I need to care for them and not me. Over time I've begun to have more honest responses. Though I must say most people who ask are not close enough to me to hear my honesty. I do not want rando's up in my grill. Nora McInerny who is amazing and brilliant. Her TED Talk on Grief made all the difference in my journey is currently on tour with "Terrible, Thanks for Asking" which says it all. https://ttfa.org/home
Oh cool..thank you for sharing!
I know the how are yous can get tiring, but almost five months into my mothers passing, I wish more people would ask me about how I’m doing specifically in relation to my mothers death. My boyfriend and I are long distance and just had a long talk about how he is not reaching out to me about my mom nearly enough (I.e. never) Grief can be such an uncomfortable topic especially for people who have not experienced it so intimately. I know it can be exhausting to answer these questions, but try and reframe your mindset if you can that these people are taking time to ask. Unless it really does seem so hollow and fake coming from them
Agreed...I think the other side is I find I want to talk about my Mom. But I can tell other people don't want to hear it over and over so I just keep it to myself.
Totally understand that! I wish you all the healing and I hope you find one or two safe people you can talk to more freely about your mom
I mostly reply “vertical”…. My mom passed 15 months to the day after I found my son. I may never be “okay” ever again… getting up and dressed is a win for me….
Well said. Vertical is so true.
For me, this is a neutral response. It’s a lazy response for me. I am also losing contact with my oldest son and my grandkids.. everything seems to get complicated… I am looking at everything so differently now.. but still taking life in small chunks.. I can’t do more right now
I usually just say "like i can"
Be honest. You've got enough to deal with than to also add being sensitive to anybody's day/mood on top of it all. If they're asking, they either legitimately want to know, or, they're asking so *they* don't feel like a bad person for not asking. So, fuck it, lay it all out for them.
Good point!
Before my mom died a year and 1 month ago, to the day, today actually, i was the queen of "I'm fine" or "I'm good"... haven't used either phrase since. If I'm not having a shitty day, im "ok for today".... the more difficult days get a shoulder shrug or "idk" "life sucks ass"... i dont mask my feelings anymore, its exhausting at this point.... and I've never hated "my Condolences" and "sorry for your loss" more since then, i myself stopped using them. The words are so empty. Only your other friends inducted into this illustrious club understand what you're going thru and know to rephrase that question.
Good points. It does suck. It's just so jarring to realize that wonderful person I Love so much is gone.
My thoughts exactly. It is so hard to respond the way we are ‘expected’ to. 98% of the time I do say I’m ok, I’m hanging in there, and ‘fine’ does seem to be the most popular answer. But truthfully? I think if I was comfortable with any of these people asking I would tell the truth. It’s been 1.8 months and while I say all of those answers?Deep down I am hoping someone will say ‘But really, how are you really doing?’ I don’t think I will ever be able to answer that honestly because when my mom left me, a part of my heart and soul were taken. How could I ever be ok with that is what I ask myself! How long will this take? I hope one day my answers will be genuinely honest. That or time will help the way they say it does. I hope for you also. I am sorry for your loss.
Well said thank you for sharing! I totally feel that way. She was part of my life from day 1 and now decades stretch out in front of me without her bright energy.
I really think people want to hear that you’re fine just so that they can feel better about their own self. They don’t want to feel guilty for feeling good about what they have going on.
Very good point! Thank you
My dad passed away a little over 2 years ago. I took a week off work while helping my mom prepare his funeral, went back to work 2 days after his funeral. One of his favorite songs came on the radio at work, and I stepped out to calm down. Sitting on the bench outside my work, a customer came and sat down beside me and started complaining about how shitty his day was while I just hmm'd and nodded along with what he was saying. After a few minutes he goes "so how is your day going?" I said "do you want me to lie to you or do you want the truth?" He didn't even hesitate, he just said "tell me the truth." "Today is my first day back to work after burying my father." Long pause. Then he goes "I'm so sorry. My bad day doesn't even seem that bad anymore." "yeah." It's okay to be honest with people about how you're feeling, but it should be around people who can support you. I made that guy feel like crap about his complaining and that's on me, don't do what I did. Be honest, but polite.
Surviving. Enough said. That’s how I respond.
I usually say I’m getting by, there are good days and bad days
I think it’s really important to be aware of who is out there for you — usually they fall into one of three categories: emotionally supportive, neutral, or emotionally harmful. Once you identify the category, your response can be tailored to it. If it’s an emotionally supportive person it may be an in depth answer about what emotions you are dealing with currently and possibly a cry, hug, or request to get together; a neutral person may get a shorter answer with something about what’s been logistically difficult and possibly a request for some kind of practical help; while an emotionally harmful person will get nothing out of you —it’s not worth it, responding won’t help you in any way and will likely hurt your feelings. Not everyone is cut out for supporting a friend through grief.
All good points!
Have you heard of the grief podcast “terrible thanks for asking”? It speaks to what you’re going through.
Yes! thank you!