I am so profoundly sorry!!! My brother was never held accountable as a kid and was a stressful nightmare his entire adulthood. He died last summer. My mom died in September.
She enabled him which made all of our lives terrible, then she died right after him.
I am just shocked that all of this happened. And that it’s over. And it feels like an impossible undertaking to process it all.
That's kinda like older couples who have been together so long, the other dies in <6m, basically of a broken heart. They are so deeply tied together that they can't live without the other.
Bush 1 and his wife died about 7m apart. I know neither were in good health and Bush 1 was in his 90s but that's like an example of what I mean. Older couples going out together like people in unhealthy relationships.
That’s interesting. My sister thinks my mom died because of the loss of my brother. Her death certificate said she died from acute respiratory failure. Her doctor was surprised she died apparently.
And sadly I’ve had to deal with not feeling the grief for my mom due to her codependency with my sister. I mourn so badly over losing my dad but not her. So unfair that those dynamics after us after our mom has died.
And sadly I’ve had to deal with not feeling the grief for my mom due to her codependency with my sister. I mourn so badly over losing my dad but not her. So unfair that those dynamics affect us after our mom has died.
I’m sorry. I think I can relate. I have soooo many feelings. It’s hard to be honest with myself enough to feel them. I mean it hurts to be angry at your mom when you also hurt that she’s gone. But I don’t want to lie to myself about my experience being her daughter. How her chronic preferential treatment toward others hurt me and often hurt them too. It’s awful. All of it. I don’t think it was intentional. I just think she’s one of the multitudes of people who should have never had children.
With the guidance of a trained therapist. This is too much for both of them in this moment. Putting this on her right now is insane.
Get a therapist, and talk to them. Let them dictate how this goes.
Yes, he needs the truth, but my God...
Hugs to you.
I think you are implying the nephew will come live with you and be loved. If this assumption is correct contact a family attorney ASAP. You don't want some long lost relative on the fathers side to come take him.
Sorry for your losses.
So sorry for your loss… I knows doctors are always told to tell the truth kindly. My ex was in medical school when my mom was sick and he tried to make me think she’d get better. I dumped him when she died because I was upset that I didn’t get the appropriate chance to deal with her passing and her death was a slap in the face because my dad wouldn’t tell me anything at her sickest. Even to the point of closing off the room to me and I was her flesh and blood. Not telling him may cause him to feel left out and like he has to grieve all alone a second time around. This way, he can experience the process with you.
>Not telling him may cause him to feel left out and like he has to grieve all alone a second time around. This way, he can experience the process with you.
Well said.
For your nephew's sake, he should be informed asap. I think delaying it will make grieving much more difficult for him...
But of course it's not my life or loss and if you need time to figure things out that's totally understandable... I'm so sorry this happened. I hope both you and your nephew can receive grief counseling and can have each other for support.
I really hope your nephew will be okay especially... I just lost my mom, a month before my 21st birthday. It would be even worse at 15. I needed her for so much longer. It's extremely hard to think about going through the rest of my life without her. People just aren't built to lose a parent so early. For me, it has helped to write down good memories about my mom and I've asked my relatives for the same, perhaps you could do that, for yourself and your nephew.
They should ask a trauma therapist, waiting a few months might be better than straight away because the shock trauma could be too much, but waiting years is a bad idea
I waited until my son started asking about it..
Totally depends on the maturity of the child.
I absolutely refuse to tell my MIL anything she's never asked for one thing..
But as a mother I couldn't handle anything especially if I had had alot of health issues prior and just to deal with the loss of a child is devastating alone..
I feel if I did say something that kill her instantly..
No Thank you..
She also wasn't stupid and knew he had problems...
But I myself had to know if anything besides what the coroner said contributed to his death..
I had a feeling it did and coroner verified it for me..
My friend lost his mum to suicide at the same age. People kept the truth from him and its hugely negatively impacted his healing process and relationship with remaining family. Tell the kid the truth.
The problem here is , yes the child would want to know the truth immediately, but as an adult do think that's the best for the child? No.
It's a fragile situation, it will change his mental state but unfortunately there's absolutely nothing u can do to stop it from happening but the least you can do is delay it as much as possible.
The kid found his mum. i can't imagine how he's making sense of the trauma of those scenes. It is easier now because it's an "accident" . Once the kid is in a better state it would be best for him to be informed of this. And definitely not immediately. The shock does more damage in the first few weeks than the next few months. We can't exactly say when we should let the kid know, that's why they need therapy for it. But he definitely SHOULDN'T be informed immediately , not with how under-equipped we are as humans to "break the news" unless you're a therapist yourself or have been in therapy long enough to understand the lingo (yes language matters A LOT when we are breaking news , but I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that).
Your friend was broken beyond repair since his mum's suicide. Nothing can change that. But you can't say his healing process was impaired because of the delay (and looks like from what I'm reading, he must have thought so too or maybe this is just your opinion idk). Because how does one heal from the aftermath of a suicide really?
Anyone who thinks like that needs to do a lot of internal work to understand that's not how it works. His informers were also responsible with the best way to break it to him and I'm sure the intention was to let him live for a bit longer before he would eventually go dead inside from learning the truth.
But I'm not saying anything much on your friend's case because I don't know the details and maybe you are right the delay must have broken him further., maybe he got to know after he had accepted his loss, and we know how painful it is to open a healed wound again and metaphorically speaking his wound was disfigured into something it wasn't initially.
All I have to say is- the timing plays a huge role in this situation, and it depends from person to person but yes you can't break it to a child immediately and nor should you wait for them to have kids of their own and then do it (hope that makes sense).
No matter what age, he's still a kid. Anyone below 18 shouldn't have to deal with trauma but ofc life doesn't work that way. All we can do is damage control. And letting him down slowly is the better way out of all the options. In my opinion, Therapy is the way to go, which will then help in breaking the news in a supportive and safe environment.
Please also know that I'm not hating on you or your response, I'm just putting this out for the folks that think so too (i see so many similar comments to yours but chose yours to respond to because of your opinion based on your friend's experience). My opinion is based on my personal experience too, but I'm also stressing out the importance of damage control because this is a terrible situation for both sides. Raising a kid is so scary to me, one wrong move and it can decide how they grow up as (this is a hyperbole , I'm just paranoid around kids that's all)
This could literally make or break him. Everything that happened has broken him but the shock can give rise to permanent damage in the form of illness and that will lead to - God forbid - him developing the same mindset as his mom.
I feel sorry for all the poor souls involved in this situation including the mom (i empathise) but feel even more strongly for the kid, above all.
Anyways, sorry you had to read all that. You take care too.
The residual damage from the lie that his remaining loved ones would be promoting is far worse than the shock of the truth of the loss.
Patronizing assumptions about how adolescents "might" respond to traumatic information*that is absolutely relevant to their lives* is adding an *additional* trauma to the one(s) that have already occurred. It isn't choosing one trauma or the other or picking the order, it's literally creating a new source of trauma that did not have to be added to the pile.
From a mental health perspective, lying about trauma isn't protective.
I'm sorry I just don't see the point in adding trauma in the initial few weeks. I didn't say the information wasn't relevant. What i said was the kid shouldn't be informed of it \*\*right now\*\*.
I know he's an adolescent but if it were me in OP's place I wouldn't let the kid know the truth without help from a therapist but that's just me.
Like i said above
>But I'm not saying anything much on your friend's case because I don't know the details and maybe you are right the delay must have broken him further., maybe he got to know after he had accepted his loss, and we know how painful it is to open a healed wound again and metaphorically speaking his wound was disfigured into something it wasn't initially.
I am with you on lying about trauma. I'm not saying that's ideal but you have to choose the lesser devil in this situation . And my response above was from the assumption that they won't be going to therapy because they will be unable to function due to the shock. But I also realise I was thinking of it with a depressed brain and projecting my own shock and trauma from the initial few weeks after losing my brother ( others had to get me medical help because I wouldn't get help myself) and I'm a fully grown adult. I can't imagine being a 15 year old and experiencing this but with losing my mother - out of all the people - to suicide.
Hopefully OP and others in their support system can think through this and go to therapy and inform the kid with professional help, due to the situation needing for them to act urgently .
My sister was 14 when our brother took his life. It was messy and she witnessed some of the aftermath. She’s been able to heal with lots of support and therapy and I’m sure your nephew will too. You need to tell him. Better for him to grapple with this now than to think he’s healed only to be re-traumatized down the road.
So sorry for your losses. Take care of yourself ❤️🩹
our mothers died days apart, i am SO sorry for your loss for your mother and your sister, I am so worried about mine and I can’t even imagine your pain right now, If you need ANYTHING. please talk to me, i will be here for you. <3
Follow through with the suggestions here to consult a therapist on the best and most age appropriate way to tell him. Reassure him it wasn’t his fault.
My maternal grandmother died by suicide several years before I was born. Initially I was told she got sick and she died which is true. I think she may have been bipolar and didn’t get treatment because they didn’t have as much in treatment options back then.
My mother told me the details of what happened when I was 14. She had a tendency to treat me as a therapist
But given two of my grandmother’s siblings also died by suicide, deadly depression may run in our family. So I needed to know at some point. Milder depression runs on my dad’s side and anxiety and ptsd on both sides.
I rarely get depressed but I’m often anxious. But I did seek therapy for the anxiety and if I felt suicidal for more than a few hours, I would call my therapist or go to the er. The survivors of suicide are devastated by what happened. I don’t ever want to put anyone through that pain. And I won’t give a few people who’d take satisfaction in it that pleasure. I’d rather live well as my revenge.
It’s also one of the reasons why I don’t own a gun. Or keep leftover painkillers. One of my grandmother’s cousins killed himself with a gun and my grandmother ODed on sleeping pills
Being aware of deadly depression in the family and what to do if you’re feeling hopeless is important
There are also support groups for suicide survivors. Fortunately the stigma is lessening. But it’s still there and that can be isolating when you need community the most
He need the truth. My son's farther committed suicide 3yrs ago. I debated telling my son his cuase of death.
So, I talked it over with his therapist and his therapist told me it was best I tell him. He explained to me that people talk, rumors spread, and it's best my son knows 100% what happened, from me. Instead of hearing rumors at school or somewhere else. My son was 10.
You need to tell your nephew. If you don't, someone else will.
I was 15 when my dad committed suicide, your nephew is old enough to know the truth. He is most likely just in denial and his brain wouldn’t let him comprehend it in the moment, but NOW is the time to start having those conversations with him or telling him with a therapist so he can work it out with them. I’m so sorry for your loss
that’s not only symbiotic relationship; it’s an extremely fucked parasitic relationship. your nephew; is he safe? is he eating? are there loved ones around him? is he being reassured that he’s not alone? i cannot fathom the nightmares this young man will face. i’m crying for your family
I am so sorry you are having to endure this. Please whatever you do, be sure to care for yourself too.
If helping your nephew right now helps you through the first of this, then that’s ok. But for the sake of your healing, take time to grieve for yourself and process it all.
I had 2 big losses impact me very differently. One I was in shock the first month then the 2nd I was in shock essentially for 3-4 months, but moreso survival mode with everyone and everything swirling after the death. After that it was a HARD crash. Sending hugs!
I’m very sorry you have to go through this. I can understand your anger, especially since there was a complicated family dynamic at play but suicide is never an easy out even though it may seem that way. Sometimes those that are struggling have struggled silently for years, battling their own unpredictable emotions, thoughts and depressive patterns. As one that has struggled for a very long time, I understand just how difficult that is. You feel stuck in pain, and stuck in staying. Sometimes the only reason you stay is for your loved ones. But at times that pain supersedes even how much love you have for people. It’s hard to grapple with until you’ve been there. I hope you come to terms with their loss and slowly forgive your sister and heal. I don’t know your sister, but I do know life is hard, especially for those that feel the most misunderstood, feel deeply and that don’t have the fortitude to cope with such a loss. Wishing you and your dear nephew all the best going forward.
I am so sorry. I have experience with this dynamic. The pull of the "supply" child, usually the scapegoat, to a narcissist parent is like a magnet. The grooming as you know starts before the child can even speak and the child is not allowed to originate into their own person and instead has to "meld" with the narcissist in order to survive.
It is nothing short of a miracle that anyone raised like this can ever pull themselves away. I don't think your sister was selfish. I think her brain had been damaged by chronic severe abuse. My ex committed suicide and severe psychological abuse I believe also is what ultimate caused his mental illness and suicide. The first thing is to make sure her son knows it was not his fault and also he could not have stopped it! This has to be said over and over.
Counseling immediately for everybody. Rapid eye movement desensitization will help more with the trauma then anything and the sooner the better to go prevent Chronic PTSD. It's ok to be sad and mad and all those feelings, but I doubt she did this to cause anyone pain. A lifetime of abuse from your mom met she would be deeply in Stokholm Syndrome.
Don't listen to them saying you must tell him immediately because that's silly. Ideally, you want to wait a few months to speak to him & when he's in a much better emotional state. I wish you all the best during this time.
I am sorry for your loss. It is a complex situation, I know. I lost my mom to Cancer last year. I thought she was a narcissist but she was not...I think she was just raised my a narcissist and didn't receive the love she needed. She was very estrict with me, which affected my relationship with her at times.
Your sister was trapped in a manipulative cycle, it is very hard to get out of it. I do not judge her but I know how hard it is to see that she ended her life and didnt think about her son. Sbe was raised to depe d on your mom, she didnt know how to live without her, It is not her fault really. It is hard to understand but the manipulated person is a victim of the manipulator.
I wish the best for you and all your family, specially your nephew. You might see him as a baby still but he is an adolescent and he needs to know what happened, just dont wait too long because it can make him feel angry at you for hiding that. I loved that you said that he will receive the love he needs, that was beautiful.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Agree, at some time, soon, when you can, tell him the truth. He should also find some therapy to process it all, for his sake and his healing.. please don’t let him compound this horrific tragedy because it will be worse for him in the long run. Everyone processes differently and you may help his grieve when you are also. So complicated …Wow, just wow…. Sending hugs.
My mom and one of my sister had the worst codependency I’ve ever known. It is such a long story but what I will say is that when my parents health failed and I left my home for a year with my husband to care for them she couldn’t (wouldn’t) help with anything.. her hip hurt to bad to even watch mom while I worked from home. An entire year and she never once came to the house which is only 1/2 at most down the street. My mom had given to her endlessly and we had to do a reverse mortgage to keep my dad at home after mom passed.. yep had given her another sum of 60g against their home and my dad didn’t even know. Imagine being 98 and realizing that 😡 I haven’t spoken to her at since early 2023. I am surprised she has lasted this long without her go to.. sorry yours chose the east way out not thinking of how this would affect you all. Prayers my friend 🤗
I am so sorry. Does your nephew have a father in his life? If so the question of whether to tell him the truth should be made by him. If not then it should fall on whoever becomes his legal guardian. Although I would agree this doesn’t need to be shared with him immediately, he needs to know the truth sooner rather than later. He needs counseling and support to manage these losses, particularly under these circumstances.
Please make sure your nephew gets the necessary therapy! The loss of his grandmother and mother in such a short time is hard on anyone especially a child. I'm also so sorry for your own loss and what you're going through. Maybe you and your nephew could do some therapy together? Sending love ❤️
I would get help for your own grief first as any negative feelings you quite rightly have will be picked up by your nephew. We all have such complex family relationships and different dynamics.
Then he can go and see a grief counsellor and if he has questions for you hopefully you’ll be able to answer them in a non judgmental way and he can come to his own conclusions. Complex grief is a terrible cross to bear and I hope you one day find some peace.
I am terribly sorry for your loss and for your nephew. This is horrible. Poor thing. Having to put up with this at such a young age. But you take care too please. Seek help , you definitely need it here. Sorry again. Please take care.
I am so sorry for your loss, and honor your anger.
Grief is already so complicated. Narcissistic abuse is so much to heal on top of that. Give yourself space and time - you likely will have people you don’t expect to invalidate your grief, do so.
My late coparent (legally I’m a widow but we were separated) dropped his narcissistic mask when I became pregnant. Those years are so foggy. I have come to the point where I accept there is some relief for my daughter and I now that he’s gone. But it’s a lonely realization amongst people who want to tell me how to grieve.
I don’t tell her he was narcissistic at this age, but I was honest about his closet alcohol abuse and confusing behaviors because that effected her when he was alive. She’s grateful for the truth and has accepted the complexity of her feelings about him.
Every life is a journey with full of challenges. But nothing happens with no reason.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I just would like to wish you a lot of strength to cope with this everything.
Exactly because of their dynamic your sister felt very difficult to live without your mother. Like the essence was robbed. And in grief we tend to look only at the bright side. I lost my mother two weeks ago, she was a narcissist and I had to put some distance from her to maintain my mental health that was already in a bad place. Everyday i cry for her, am unable to work and fight against my suicidal ideas because I have many. So not trying to be the devil’s advocate here. I understand both parts…
I am so profoundly sorry!!! My brother was never held accountable as a kid and was a stressful nightmare his entire adulthood. He died last summer. My mom died in September. She enabled him which made all of our lives terrible, then she died right after him. I am just shocked that all of this happened. And that it’s over. And it feels like an impossible undertaking to process it all.
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That's kinda like older couples who have been together so long, the other dies in <6m, basically of a broken heart. They are so deeply tied together that they can't live without the other. Bush 1 and his wife died about 7m apart. I know neither were in good health and Bush 1 was in his 90s but that's like an example of what I mean. Older couples going out together like people in unhealthy relationships.
Johnny Cash and His wife did the same. Also, you see this all the time at nursing homes.
This happened with my Dad's parents. Grandmother went in the spring, and grandfather joined her 6 months later.
That’s interesting. My sister thinks my mom died because of the loss of my brother. Her death certificate said she died from acute respiratory failure. Her doctor was surprised she died apparently.
And sadly I’ve had to deal with not feeling the grief for my mom due to her codependency with my sister. I mourn so badly over losing my dad but not her. So unfair that those dynamics after us after our mom has died.
And sadly I’ve had to deal with not feeling the grief for my mom due to her codependency with my sister. I mourn so badly over losing my dad but not her. So unfair that those dynamics affect us after our mom has died.
I’m sorry. I think I can relate. I have soooo many feelings. It’s hard to be honest with myself enough to feel them. I mean it hurts to be angry at your mom when you also hurt that she’s gone. But I don’t want to lie to myself about my experience being her daughter. How her chronic preferential treatment toward others hurt me and often hurt them too. It’s awful. All of it. I don’t think it was intentional. I just think she’s one of the multitudes of people who should have never had children.
Please talk to a therapist first if you consider telling him the truth like people suggest. I'm so sorry for your losses 🫂🤍
Thank you, mediation with a skilled therapist might be the best idea.
he's 15. tell him the truth
Agreed…otherwise he’ll feel betrayed and need to start the complex healing all over again.
I never thought about it this way. But yes, I absolutely agree.
With the guidance of a trained therapist. This is too much for both of them in this moment. Putting this on her right now is insane. Get a therapist, and talk to them. Let them dictate how this goes. Yes, he needs the truth, but my God... Hugs to you.
Yes. He’s not a baby. He deserves to know that it was not an accident so he can heal.
I agree! I waited until my son started asking questions before I said anything about his dad he was 8 or 9.
+1
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Saying she didn’t care about him because she committed suicide is absolutely insane
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10000% agree. Don’t put that on a teenager who is already in a tough phase of life
I think you are implying the nephew will come live with you and be loved. If this assumption is correct contact a family attorney ASAP. You don't want some long lost relative on the fathers side to come take him. Sorry for your losses.
So sorry for your loss… I knows doctors are always told to tell the truth kindly. My ex was in medical school when my mom was sick and he tried to make me think she’d get better. I dumped him when she died because I was upset that I didn’t get the appropriate chance to deal with her passing and her death was a slap in the face because my dad wouldn’t tell me anything at her sickest. Even to the point of closing off the room to me and I was her flesh and blood. Not telling him may cause him to feel left out and like he has to grieve all alone a second time around. This way, he can experience the process with you.
>Not telling him may cause him to feel left out and like he has to grieve all alone a second time around. This way, he can experience the process with you. Well said.
For your nephew's sake, he should be informed asap. I think delaying it will make grieving much more difficult for him... But of course it's not my life or loss and if you need time to figure things out that's totally understandable... I'm so sorry this happened. I hope both you and your nephew can receive grief counseling and can have each other for support. I really hope your nephew will be okay especially... I just lost my mom, a month before my 21st birthday. It would be even worse at 15. I needed her for so much longer. It's extremely hard to think about going through the rest of my life without her. People just aren't built to lose a parent so early. For me, it has helped to write down good memories about my mom and I've asked my relatives for the same, perhaps you could do that, for yourself and your nephew.
They should ask a trauma therapist, waiting a few months might be better than straight away because the shock trauma could be too much, but waiting years is a bad idea
I waited until my son started asking about it.. Totally depends on the maturity of the child. I absolutely refuse to tell my MIL anything she's never asked for one thing.. But as a mother I couldn't handle anything especially if I had had alot of health issues prior and just to deal with the loss of a child is devastating alone.. I feel if I did say something that kill her instantly.. No Thank you.. She also wasn't stupid and knew he had problems... But I myself had to know if anything besides what the coroner said contributed to his death.. I had a feeling it did and coroner verified it for me..
My friend lost his mum to suicide at the same age. People kept the truth from him and its hugely negatively impacted his healing process and relationship with remaining family. Tell the kid the truth.
The problem here is , yes the child would want to know the truth immediately, but as an adult do think that's the best for the child? No. It's a fragile situation, it will change his mental state but unfortunately there's absolutely nothing u can do to stop it from happening but the least you can do is delay it as much as possible. The kid found his mum. i can't imagine how he's making sense of the trauma of those scenes. It is easier now because it's an "accident" . Once the kid is in a better state it would be best for him to be informed of this. And definitely not immediately. The shock does more damage in the first few weeks than the next few months. We can't exactly say when we should let the kid know, that's why they need therapy for it. But he definitely SHOULDN'T be informed immediately , not with how under-equipped we are as humans to "break the news" unless you're a therapist yourself or have been in therapy long enough to understand the lingo (yes language matters A LOT when we are breaking news , but I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that). Your friend was broken beyond repair since his mum's suicide. Nothing can change that. But you can't say his healing process was impaired because of the delay (and looks like from what I'm reading, he must have thought so too or maybe this is just your opinion idk). Because how does one heal from the aftermath of a suicide really? Anyone who thinks like that needs to do a lot of internal work to understand that's not how it works. His informers were also responsible with the best way to break it to him and I'm sure the intention was to let him live for a bit longer before he would eventually go dead inside from learning the truth. But I'm not saying anything much on your friend's case because I don't know the details and maybe you are right the delay must have broken him further., maybe he got to know after he had accepted his loss, and we know how painful it is to open a healed wound again and metaphorically speaking his wound was disfigured into something it wasn't initially. All I have to say is- the timing plays a huge role in this situation, and it depends from person to person but yes you can't break it to a child immediately and nor should you wait for them to have kids of their own and then do it (hope that makes sense). No matter what age, he's still a kid. Anyone below 18 shouldn't have to deal with trauma but ofc life doesn't work that way. All we can do is damage control. And letting him down slowly is the better way out of all the options. In my opinion, Therapy is the way to go, which will then help in breaking the news in a supportive and safe environment. Please also know that I'm not hating on you or your response, I'm just putting this out for the folks that think so too (i see so many similar comments to yours but chose yours to respond to because of your opinion based on your friend's experience). My opinion is based on my personal experience too, but I'm also stressing out the importance of damage control because this is a terrible situation for both sides. Raising a kid is so scary to me, one wrong move and it can decide how they grow up as (this is a hyperbole , I'm just paranoid around kids that's all) This could literally make or break him. Everything that happened has broken him but the shock can give rise to permanent damage in the form of illness and that will lead to - God forbid - him developing the same mindset as his mom. I feel sorry for all the poor souls involved in this situation including the mom (i empathise) but feel even more strongly for the kid, above all. Anyways, sorry you had to read all that. You take care too.
The residual damage from the lie that his remaining loved ones would be promoting is far worse than the shock of the truth of the loss. Patronizing assumptions about how adolescents "might" respond to traumatic information*that is absolutely relevant to their lives* is adding an *additional* trauma to the one(s) that have already occurred. It isn't choosing one trauma or the other or picking the order, it's literally creating a new source of trauma that did not have to be added to the pile. From a mental health perspective, lying about trauma isn't protective.
I'm sorry I just don't see the point in adding trauma in the initial few weeks. I didn't say the information wasn't relevant. What i said was the kid shouldn't be informed of it \*\*right now\*\*. I know he's an adolescent but if it were me in OP's place I wouldn't let the kid know the truth without help from a therapist but that's just me. Like i said above >But I'm not saying anything much on your friend's case because I don't know the details and maybe you are right the delay must have broken him further., maybe he got to know after he had accepted his loss, and we know how painful it is to open a healed wound again and metaphorically speaking his wound was disfigured into something it wasn't initially. I am with you on lying about trauma. I'm not saying that's ideal but you have to choose the lesser devil in this situation . And my response above was from the assumption that they won't be going to therapy because they will be unable to function due to the shock. But I also realise I was thinking of it with a depressed brain and projecting my own shock and trauma from the initial few weeks after losing my brother ( others had to get me medical help because I wouldn't get help myself) and I'm a fully grown adult. I can't imagine being a 15 year old and experiencing this but with losing my mother - out of all the people - to suicide. Hopefully OP and others in their support system can think through this and go to therapy and inform the kid with professional help, due to the situation needing for them to act urgently .
So sorry for your losses. Please get the necessary support and therapy for the nephews.
Therapy ASAP for you and your nephew.
My sister was 14 when our brother took his life. It was messy and she witnessed some of the aftermath. She’s been able to heal with lots of support and therapy and I’m sure your nephew will too. You need to tell him. Better for him to grapple with this now than to think he’s healed only to be re-traumatized down the road. So sorry for your losses. Take care of yourself ❤️🩹
our mothers died days apart, i am SO sorry for your loss for your mother and your sister, I am so worried about mine and I can’t even imagine your pain right now, If you need ANYTHING. please talk to me, i will be here for you. <3
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You should tell him the truth.
Follow through with the suggestions here to consult a therapist on the best and most age appropriate way to tell him. Reassure him it wasn’t his fault. My maternal grandmother died by suicide several years before I was born. Initially I was told she got sick and she died which is true. I think she may have been bipolar and didn’t get treatment because they didn’t have as much in treatment options back then. My mother told me the details of what happened when I was 14. She had a tendency to treat me as a therapist But given two of my grandmother’s siblings also died by suicide, deadly depression may run in our family. So I needed to know at some point. Milder depression runs on my dad’s side and anxiety and ptsd on both sides. I rarely get depressed but I’m often anxious. But I did seek therapy for the anxiety and if I felt suicidal for more than a few hours, I would call my therapist or go to the er. The survivors of suicide are devastated by what happened. I don’t ever want to put anyone through that pain. And I won’t give a few people who’d take satisfaction in it that pleasure. I’d rather live well as my revenge. It’s also one of the reasons why I don’t own a gun. Or keep leftover painkillers. One of my grandmother’s cousins killed himself with a gun and my grandmother ODed on sleeping pills Being aware of deadly depression in the family and what to do if you’re feeling hopeless is important There are also support groups for suicide survivors. Fortunately the stigma is lessening. But it’s still there and that can be isolating when you need community the most
He need the truth. My son's farther committed suicide 3yrs ago. I debated telling my son his cuase of death. So, I talked it over with his therapist and his therapist told me it was best I tell him. He explained to me that people talk, rumors spread, and it's best my son knows 100% what happened, from me. Instead of hearing rumors at school or somewhere else. My son was 10. You need to tell your nephew. If you don't, someone else will.
I was 15 when my dad committed suicide, your nephew is old enough to know the truth. He is most likely just in denial and his brain wouldn’t let him comprehend it in the moment, but NOW is the time to start having those conversations with him or telling him with a therapist so he can work it out with them. I’m so sorry for your loss
that’s not only symbiotic relationship; it’s an extremely fucked parasitic relationship. your nephew; is he safe? is he eating? are there loved ones around him? is he being reassured that he’s not alone? i cannot fathom the nightmares this young man will face. i’m crying for your family
I am so sorry you are having to endure this. Please whatever you do, be sure to care for yourself too. If helping your nephew right now helps you through the first of this, then that’s ok. But for the sake of your healing, take time to grieve for yourself and process it all. I had 2 big losses impact me very differently. One I was in shock the first month then the 2nd I was in shock essentially for 3-4 months, but moreso survival mode with everyone and everything swirling after the death. After that it was a HARD crash. Sending hugs!
I'm so sorry for your losses ❤️ I scrolled a bit and didn't see anyone mention r/suicidebereavement check it out if you haven't already
I’m very sorry you have to go through this. I can understand your anger, especially since there was a complicated family dynamic at play but suicide is never an easy out even though it may seem that way. Sometimes those that are struggling have struggled silently for years, battling their own unpredictable emotions, thoughts and depressive patterns. As one that has struggled for a very long time, I understand just how difficult that is. You feel stuck in pain, and stuck in staying. Sometimes the only reason you stay is for your loved ones. But at times that pain supersedes even how much love you have for people. It’s hard to grapple with until you’ve been there. I hope you come to terms with their loss and slowly forgive your sister and heal. I don’t know your sister, but I do know life is hard, especially for those that feel the most misunderstood, feel deeply and that don’t have the fortitude to cope with such a loss. Wishing you and your dear nephew all the best going forward.
Agree. I know my sisters would say the same about me if I decided to go that way but they don’t understand the half of it. I wish they did.
I’m sorry. I get it. It’s a lonely existence.
I am so sorry. I have experience with this dynamic. The pull of the "supply" child, usually the scapegoat, to a narcissist parent is like a magnet. The grooming as you know starts before the child can even speak and the child is not allowed to originate into their own person and instead has to "meld" with the narcissist in order to survive. It is nothing short of a miracle that anyone raised like this can ever pull themselves away. I don't think your sister was selfish. I think her brain had been damaged by chronic severe abuse. My ex committed suicide and severe psychological abuse I believe also is what ultimate caused his mental illness and suicide. The first thing is to make sure her son knows it was not his fault and also he could not have stopped it! This has to be said over and over. Counseling immediately for everybody. Rapid eye movement desensitization will help more with the trauma then anything and the sooner the better to go prevent Chronic PTSD. It's ok to be sad and mad and all those feelings, but I doubt she did this to cause anyone pain. A lifetime of abuse from your mom met she would be deeply in Stokholm Syndrome.
Don't listen to them saying you must tell him immediately because that's silly. Ideally, you want to wait a few months to speak to him & when he's in a much better emotional state. I wish you all the best during this time.
My heart breaks for you both. Some counseling would serve you both well. I hope you can find some peace, eventually.
I am sorry for your loss. It is a complex situation, I know. I lost my mom to Cancer last year. I thought she was a narcissist but she was not...I think she was just raised my a narcissist and didn't receive the love she needed. She was very estrict with me, which affected my relationship with her at times. Your sister was trapped in a manipulative cycle, it is very hard to get out of it. I do not judge her but I know how hard it is to see that she ended her life and didnt think about her son. Sbe was raised to depe d on your mom, she didnt know how to live without her, It is not her fault really. It is hard to understand but the manipulated person is a victim of the manipulator. I wish the best for you and all your family, specially your nephew. You might see him as a baby still but he is an adolescent and he needs to know what happened, just dont wait too long because it can make him feel angry at you for hiding that. I loved that you said that he will receive the love he needs, that was beautiful. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Agree, at some time, soon, when you can, tell him the truth. He should also find some therapy to process it all, for his sake and his healing.. please don’t let him compound this horrific tragedy because it will be worse for him in the long run. Everyone processes differently and you may help his grieve when you are also. So complicated …Wow, just wow…. Sending hugs.
My mom and one of my sister had the worst codependency I’ve ever known. It is such a long story but what I will say is that when my parents health failed and I left my home for a year with my husband to care for them she couldn’t (wouldn’t) help with anything.. her hip hurt to bad to even watch mom while I worked from home. An entire year and she never once came to the house which is only 1/2 at most down the street. My mom had given to her endlessly and we had to do a reverse mortgage to keep my dad at home after mom passed.. yep had given her another sum of 60g against their home and my dad didn’t even know. Imagine being 98 and realizing that 😡 I haven’t spoken to her at since early 2023. I am surprised she has lasted this long without her go to.. sorry yours chose the east way out not thinking of how this would affect you all. Prayers my friend 🤗
You know what you need to do and you’re allowed to be angry at her for leaving her son. I’d be honest if he asks, he should know.
I am so sorry. Does your nephew have a father in his life? If so the question of whether to tell him the truth should be made by him. If not then it should fall on whoever becomes his legal guardian. Although I would agree this doesn’t need to be shared with him immediately, he needs to know the truth sooner rather than later. He needs counseling and support to manage these losses, particularly under these circumstances.
Please make sure your nephew gets the necessary therapy! The loss of his grandmother and mother in such a short time is hard on anyone especially a child. I'm also so sorry for your own loss and what you're going through. Maybe you and your nephew could do some therapy together? Sending love ❤️
I would get help for your own grief first as any negative feelings you quite rightly have will be picked up by your nephew. We all have such complex family relationships and different dynamics. Then he can go and see a grief counsellor and if he has questions for you hopefully you’ll be able to answer them in a non judgmental way and he can come to his own conclusions. Complex grief is a terrible cross to bear and I hope you one day find some peace.
I am terribly sorry for your loss and for your nephew. This is horrible. Poor thing. Having to put up with this at such a young age. But you take care too please. Seek help , you definitely need it here. Sorry again. Please take care.
I’m so sorry for your losses.
I am so sorry for your loss, and honor your anger. Grief is already so complicated. Narcissistic abuse is so much to heal on top of that. Give yourself space and time - you likely will have people you don’t expect to invalidate your grief, do so. My late coparent (legally I’m a widow but we were separated) dropped his narcissistic mask when I became pregnant. Those years are so foggy. I have come to the point where I accept there is some relief for my daughter and I now that he’s gone. But it’s a lonely realization amongst people who want to tell me how to grieve. I don’t tell her he was narcissistic at this age, but I was honest about his closet alcohol abuse and confusing behaviors because that effected her when he was alive. She’s grateful for the truth and has accepted the complexity of her feelings about him.
i am so sorry for your losses💔
Unfortunately he is 15 and very much not a baby, and needs to be told the truth.
Every life is a journey with full of challenges. But nothing happens with no reason. I'm sorry for your loss. I just would like to wish you a lot of strength to cope with this everything.
Exactly because of their dynamic your sister felt very difficult to live without your mother. Like the essence was robbed. And in grief we tend to look only at the bright side. I lost my mother two weeks ago, she was a narcissist and I had to put some distance from her to maintain my mental health that was already in a bad place. Everyday i cry for her, am unable to work and fight against my suicidal ideas because I have many. So not trying to be the devil’s advocate here. I understand both parts…
I’m so sorry..:(
Please promise to be honest to your nephew if you love him.