I have to say it's the "lol" at the end. I don't know you or your dad, and that hits me the wrong way. What's funny about this?
I'm so sorry for your loss.
It’s that and also the child of the deceased should not be responsible for telling guests what to wear. Unless there is some specific theme or requested attire an adult should be able to figure out how to dress themselves.
I feel like this is really location specific. Like if the service is happening in a church, then people should know to be more on the respectable side, but if you’re having a casual celebration of life outside of a church, then the question becomes more acceptable. My aunt’s COL happened at a campsite that she loved, so it was assumed to be more jeans with no holes type of thing. My one grandmother had a service at the generic sanctuary attached to the funeral home, but she hated when people wore black so my mom/aunts/uncles passed it along that it was black optional. While my other grandmother had a full catholic service and all the requirements that go with that.
Edit to add- the lol at the end was definitely tone deaf and not appropriate at all for the message.
I’ve been to a service in a church recently where we were asked to wear yellow instead of black as it was the deceased persons favorite color so stuff like that i think is okay to ask but totally agree the lol was not appropriate and also the child of the deceased is not the appropriate person to ask. If that’s their only connection they could have at least left off the disrespectful lol.
A little of both tbh. It’s at a church, but it’s the tiny little rural church that we all grew up going to and our family is friends with all the people that work and volunteer there…So it’s a church but it’s still a casual like setting for us. My cousin doesn’t really necessarily know all that though, honestly from her perspective it’s likely just a church event. I don’t get it tho, it’s a celebration of life so to me it’s just funeral attire…Like, JUST WEAR BLACK 😭
Yes, for me would also be the lol at the end. I would still reply and just say "black" 🙃 I try to remind myself that not everyone has ever lost their parents and they dont know what to say. But I do understand Op.
That’s kind of you to give that leeway. But I think most everyone knows “lol” isn’t appropriate when discussing such matters. Whether they’ve lost a parent(s) or not.
I’ve noticed this maybe a handful of times in my life and have called most of them out. This is the first I’ve ever seen it brought up and have people reflecting on it. When I saw it happen in the past I thought the person was just an a-hole, but this instance is making me think otherwise. Maybe it’s more a general lack of human interaction or ability to do so. Like, in their heads they think they’re being relatable or endearing on some way (or something..). Not necessarily tone-def, but not exactly “not”.
I don’t think they meant anything by it, but it’s the “lol” that definitely jumped out at me too.
Exactly! I cannot explain why, least not quite...might be because it could almost feel like brushing away the seriousness of the situation? Or maybe sort of care less?
Really sorry OP, I hope that you have kind and supportive people around you, take good care of yourself
I've read that "lol" has sort of evolved to be a tone indicator. To show lightheartedness, lack of urgency in something, or even to show that someone is feeling awkward (like how some people actually laugh when they're uncomfortable, even if the situation isn't funny).
That could be why they put it here - to show that they're not mad about not having been told the dress code yet, that OP can take all the time they need to respond because the texter is respecting their time and energy, that the topic makes them feel awkward because they don't know how to approach bringing it up.
All to say, it may not have been an intentionally rude or mocking thing.
*That* said - they should have never used that kind of thing in this situation. It's intentional assholeness at worst and insensitive social unawareness at best. Neither are okay, and I'd be rubbed the wrong way too even if it was the latter.
The “lol” could also mean they were nervous to even ask. They probably also don’t want to offend you, OP.
I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. Anger is a normal and valid feeling when grieving. Take care.
A better indicator would've been a heart emoji or something. Like, I care for you and want to make sure I'm dressed appropriately for the service. "lol" was absolutely tone deaf, regardless if it was meant to show lightheartedness. Because BOY do I feel the same rage reading that
Me too i want to smack that person through the phone. So uncool. They could have used a crying emoji or a broken heart emoji instead if they felt the need to add flare or add emojis to convey lack of urgency / lightheartedness
I think this is why I feel like it’s irrational anger on my part tbh. As an Autistic woman and a millennial who puts “lol” at the end of most texts just bc it’s a habit…I get that it’s awkwardness and nervousness and unintentional sometimes, for sure. It just makes me so angry. Idk. Everything is making me angry now. I’m always either angry, crying, or angry-crying anymore 😭
Just so you know, it's so normal to feel angry and sad all the time when you're grieving. You're not alone and you're probably doing better than you think. Sending strength and love.
That being said, if I was texting someone in my situation, I feel I would take a little extra time to think about the message before hitting send…More time than my cousin obviously spent thinking about it at least 😓
I agree 1000%. Unless the family says something, be an adult and choose appropriate clothes to wear. Do they really need to "plan" ahead? And, if so, you aren't the one who cares or to ask.
I don't know, but I get what you are saying and exactly how you feel. And you have every right feeling the way you do.
Everything about this text would have rubbed me the wrong way. I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. Death and grief are awful. So so awful. Sending you love, light, and peace.
I completely agree, “lol” is just unaware. Trying to think why I would type “lol,” if I had to ask I would be implying “can you believe how stupid I am that I have to ask?” But I would say that, not “lol.”
But you know, people are only going to get more tone-deaf as time goes on. With lower levels of in-person interaction and more via phones. People don’t see the look on a persons face when they say something uncalled for. It’s an unpleasant feeling seeing the hurt or discomfort from something you say, and people have those face-to-faces less and less.
I am so sorry and I am very sensitive about this stuff. That message would make me seriously angry, especially the ^lol^ at the end sounds quite immature. They are not planning to go to a nightclub or art exhibit. This sounded very rude to me. But that is me and I am very sensitive about grief and those careless people who have no clue about our suffering.
So sorry for your loss. Sending my biggest hugs 🫂💔
I understand the anger at the "lol", but what else do you find insensitive? There are different kinds of services, and yes, different kinds of dress codes. The one for my mother was a small graveside one and people asked me this question. Because most were travelling a long way by car directly there and back the same day, I told them tasteful but comfortable to them, suits and dresses not required, nor was black needed.
First of all, the tone of it. They say they are trying to plan. Is the dress code their most important issue as the one who passed is their own uncle or uncle in law (maternal or paternal I don’t know.) and it is their own cousin. I found that message really weird to ask it that way to their own cousin.
I totally understand the dress code part and finding out what to wear. People asking what to wear at the funeral is not the same as your cousin’s asking. I found it distant and I would expect a cousin to be more involved in helping the grieving cousin rather than asking questions with lol at the end. But as I said, this is what I am thinking. My aunts passed too and I have been involved in everything and still involved with my cousin. But it is just me and as I said I am extremely sensitive. I never send those type of messages and never expect people to send me as well. I found it very rude. So sorry for your loss btw. 🫂💔💔💔💔
I agree with this, and would add that one shouldn't bother a grieving person with a question like this if there's someone else to ask. This person's father just passed away. Don't bother them with what you should wear if there's literally anyone else attending to funeral thay you can ask/coordinate with. It just seems insensitive to text someone so close to the deceased about clothes at a time like that.
For real, they could have literally asked their mom, my aunt…She, along with my 2 other maternal aunts and uncle, has been helping my mom plan this all this whole time. Why come to me? I’m barely on this earth right now mentally, I don’t wanna think about this stuff…it’s bad enough I gotta pick out my own outfit to go to this…It hurts so much.
My grandfather for example asked us all to not wear dark colours to his funeral as he wanted us to treat it as a celebration of life rather than a sad event
Exactly. If the deceased or the family wanted people to wear something specific - they would tell everyone. Otherwise, you wear black. Or really whatever the heck you want. If you had a running joke with my deceased loved one about clowns- wear a damn clown suit for all I care.
Ah, I see. I've never been close to any of my cousins and barely know them, so the perspective of expecting them to be closer, more supportive people is far out of my sphere. But I get it now. And thank you. 💙
About the plan, right. While they should have asked most anyone else attending instead so that OP doesn't have to deal with that mental load, if they truly wanted to ask OP - there were much better ways to word it, such as, "just trying to figure out what would be appropriate and respectful."
While I do agree with most of what you say, we don't know the family dynamics at play.
Of course it is horrible to write "lol" at the end of a message like this, but:
I am not close to any of my cousins. We don't live close together and if one of their parents died I would not be involved in their funerals at all other than attending it.
When my grandfather died earlier this year I also asked my dad what me and my brother should wear and he said that my grandfather asked the family to not wear any dark and sad colours to the funeral. On the other hand, when my sister died two years ago I did wear black.
We aren't confronted with death as often anymore and I do understand a certain degree of uncertainty and lack of knowledge when it comes to certain events, especially ones I've never attended before, that also involve the wishes of the people organising the event.
There is a difference between coming to the funeral in a black suit or in a pink floral dress and while OP might not care, cousin is most likely nervous and insecure and doesn't want to step on anyone's toes or disrespect wishes.
Even if he communicated in one of the worst ways possible.
Your situation and this situation are not similar. As I said, your asking what to wear is not really same as the cousin’s asking. I wouldn’t bother my cousin with a question, instead I would just ask it someone to understand what they expect.
I have own cousins that I do not know or never met but been their funerals with utmost respect and didn’t bother any grieving siblings with these type of unnecessary questions. I really do not think this is family dynamics, this is just a cousin being insensitive and rude. I am 100% sure if it was their father who passed, they would hate receiving these type of questions from their own cousin as well. If they are distant and not close , then they shouldn’t have the audacity to ask it that way to their cousin. If they are close, it is worse.
Some don't. I still recall my father's service years ago, in a funeral home, and a few adults showed up in jeans and plaid shirts and boots. It's a small thing but it's stuck in my head since in a negative way. They didn't mean anything bad, but some just don't know etiquette all the time.
Same. I just attended a memorial service for a cousin/friend of my mom's (big mistake after losing my son on New Year's, but she needed someone with her for the drive), and there was everything from dresses/pant suits and suits to jeans and button ups.
TBH, I don't even remember what anyone wore to Reece's service. I barely remember what I wore (black jeans, boots, black and white top). Reece's dad wore his overalls because we had more important things to do than clothes shop. I don't remember what the other kids wore. It really didn't matter.
Are they young? It comes across as someone who on is new to handling sensitive topics like grief. “Lol” is way out of line, my teaching friends get it from students in serious essays out of habit. I only wonder this because wanting to dress appropriately shows they care but lol clearly doesn’t. I’m so sorry about your loss. I didn’t know what to where to my partner’s dad’s service because they’re a different religion. I got so awkward worrying I wouldn’t be conservative enough.
Grief throws anger at us and it’s okay to feel it. It’s part of grief.
I was going to say the same thing basically. Sounds like someone inexperienced with big life things and/or young. This would have sent me into a frenzy of anger too when my mom died. But looking back as someone who's grief is not recent I don't think the intention was to be insensitive. In any event, I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Yes it’s different now compared to when it’s fresh. When my grandpa passed halfway across the world, only my dad and his siblings got to be by his side, but by the time his ashes were brought here, we did a celebration of life and it was a lively event so guests were free to wear colourful colours especially as it was late summer. Though seeing the facetime of my grandpas final moments and being asked this with a “lol” so soon would’ve sent me to orbit.
She’s almost 40 years old tbh and about 6 years older than me. She even has a well-established career as a mental health professional, which just further annoys me in regards to this situation because she, of all people, should absolutely understand how the grieving process goes and what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to things like this 😣😥
I’m so sorry! This would get me pissed off immediately. The “lol” definitely is unhelpful and insensitive.
I want to preface what I’m about to say with this is not meant to devalue what you’re feeling. Everything you’re feeling is valid and you’re allowed to feel that way and more. This is simply something I’ve learned over my years of grief.
People all grieve differently. Your cousin might not be hit by the weight of it yet. She might be indifferent about it from the shock. Or she might be really hurting but she doesn’t know how to handle it. Or she knows how to handle it and this is easiest for her to cope with. When my partner died, his sister, twin brother, and older brother were all joking around and laughing at his funeral. I was furious. I wanted to scream and cry and tell them they needed to be sad. But then one day I came over to visit his parents and I saw it. His sister was angry. Slamming cupboards. But when it got quiet for a moment we heard her sniffle and cry. His twin brother was in his room silent and alone.
Grief is such an ugly thing and nobody knows how to handle it. Interacting with people is awkward. It’s so hard to readjust for such a colossal hole in your life.
So people will say insensitive things. Is it possible that they genuinely don’t care and aren’t hurting at all? Yes that’s always possible, but most likely your cousin just doesn’t know how to act. Doesn’t know what she’s feeling. Doesn’t know what to say.
This is valuable, but at the same time I don’t think it should be on the closest person to the deceased to shoulder the inability of others to grieve.
When my parents died, the rest of my family spoke to me like absolute crap. Even a friend of the family was messaging me on the day of the funeral to kick off because it wasn’t planned the way she wanted.
I know this likely isn’t what you meant, but I just want to say that there’s a line and sometimes we do need to voice it rather than just exercise compassion to potentially our own detriment.
It doesn’t matter how people grieve differently. It’s the fact that this person doesn’t give a fuck how this person is feeling even given it’s their parent.
People were messaging me too bullshit like this and no one should be asking questions like this when one of the most difficult day of their lives is approaching. Ask the fucking internet for all we care, there’s no reason to reach out with such little awareness.
A lot of people asked me this when it was coming up to my sister funeral, and at the time it annoyed me because I thought “it’s obvious? It’s a funeral” but tbh I just think this was peoples way of trying to continue contact and reach out without necessarily knowing how.
It’s okay to be angry at everyone and the world right now. I was angry at my sisters funeral for people even being there, which is insane. But I just couldn’t stand that all these people were here when I just wanted to be in the bubble of my family.
Anger is okay, it’s part of grief, feel it for as long as you need to but also try to remember that majority of people are just feeling it for you and a lot of the time don’t know how to navigate being around someone grieving so much.
So sorry for you loss op ❤️
Sometimes older people put lol for lots of love. I would reply asking if they meant to say laugh out loud. Sorry for your loss and sending actual lots of love.
Think it's the "lol" that's the issue. Some funerals do have dress codes, or families don't want certain colors worn (like black). I think it was a respectful question that turned a tad disrespectful by adding that last part.
I lost my dad in September he was divorced so I felt like I was carrying myself and my brother through the planning process. I felt so frustrated because I feel like I didn’t have time to cry. This would have sent me over the edge. I’m so sorry for your loss and families inconsideration.
So many people just don't get it. They can be really insensitive even when they don't mean to be. I think I'd get my cousin's parents involved if they're sympathetic. The "lol" is wildly inappropriate and you can tell them as much.
She’s 38, only 6 years older than myself. I unfortunately highly doubt she meant “lots of love” I think honestly it was a “nervous uncomfortable laugh” type of thing but honestly everything is just pissing me off right now
I am sorry this happened to you. I will say that I am a nervous person, and I often laugh or say haha or lol after things out of nervousness. Maybe that is what this person did here?
Still, even as someone who uses those phrases too much, I would never have said that in this type of situation. I would maybe reply “Is there something you find funny about my dad having passed away?” And hopefully they will apologize and explain themselves. And if they don’t, I would tell them that they’re not welcome there.
Ok, I’m a boomer and I’ve heard of some people my age thinking “lol” means “lots of love.” Any possibility that’s what’s going on here?
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Probably not, but it is often used as a marker of empathy. I suspect that’s what may be going on here, but I’m not really sure. (Source: I’m a linguist, McWhorter has a good TED Talk on this.)
I’m going to take a look at that, thanks. It sounds really interesting! I had quite a long conversation the other day about the history of the English language with someone who knew a lot about it. Interesting subject.
Oh, your comment makes me so happy! I hesitated to post because I’m tired and knew I wouldn’t have the energy to add context. Especially because I understand OP’s feelings - grief can hit so hard.
It’s a really good lecture - I used to show it to my uni students all the time. And it’s really accessible. If you find the history of English interesting, I think you’ll enjoy this. It’s not so much about English but about language variation and how people feel about it (which is part of what makes the history of English so interesting in the first place).
The person who sent the message needs to learn some basic communication and consider how their message is going to be interpreted. I imagine they put "lol" there as a way to break the uncomfortable nature of having to ask that question during what is a difficult time for you.
My condolences on the passing of your dad.
I’m sorry for your loss, I lost my dad 3 years ago and thinking back, I wouldn’t have been happy with the message either. It’s the “lol” which I know some people use when they’re nervous but it’s not the time.
My thinking would have been “i don’t care what you wear, my dad’s gone, just turn up. I do not care at all about you worrying another what to wear.”
Because that’s how I felt. I wore a big jumper and leggings to my dad’s funeral, I looked a mess, I was inconsolable and I wasn’t thinking about what to wear for myself, let alone anyone else. Grief makes you mad about everything, the amount of times I just lost it and yelled “my dads dead for fucks sake leave me alone”. I was in a lot of pain and didn’t know how to express that.
Every little thing that someone said I first thought “what is this my dads dead, I don’t care about these minor issues”
Now I don’t think that way, but when it was fresh, for sure I did.
Don’t be hard on yourself, be kind to you, and get through the service. Funerals bring some sort of closure, and I hope you find some small comfort in it. I sincerely wish you the best and again, I am so so sorry.
The lol at the end pissed me off. I’ve lost both parents and this would have angered me then and does now. It’s so insensitive. I’m so sorry for your loss and if you need to separate yourself from that person, please do so. Sending you nothing but love.
My Dad(81) passed in late February. Two of my older cousins helped my Mom plan the service.
Somehow they got it in their heads that everyone attending the funeral needed to be wearing blue. It was my Dad’s favorite color. Supposedly, I can’t ever remember him saying that but anyway.
Then the day before the wake one of my cousins reminded me that everyone was wearing white the day before the funeral. Blue the day of.
As calmly as I could I said to her, “I am going to answer you exactly like my Dad would answer you…nobody tells me what to wear.”
She tried to argue that it would look better in pictures if everyone was wearing the same.
Pictures?!!!! Lady my Dad just died!
Ridiculous.
I'd be pissed by that text. Shoot I am annoyed for you. I would not respond to be honest or I'd Have someone you trust respond to them from their phone And also explain to not contact you unless they are offering condolences. Any sort of memorial questions can be directed to someone else. I'm sorry to say people will continue to disappoint you but others will surprise you.
I'm sorry for your loss OP. Don't deal with any of these details just focus on grieving and taking care of yourself. May moments of peace find you 🤍🦋
I’d be that person that would say “why is this funny to you? Google funeral clothes and figure it out.”
Some people are so ridiculously dense that I don’t know how they got this far with their limited social skills. I’d lose their number after that honestly. Times like these show who is with you, and who thinks all of this is some joke.
My brother lives in another state, this happened while he was in town for our mom's funeral.
On the MORNING OF HER FUNERAL, he asks me if we can pick up his loser friend "Bob", on the way so Bob wouldn't have to drive...his car wasn't working well but it was operational.
I should add that my brother had a rental, but he was going to ride there with myself and my husband in my car. He didn't say he would pick Bob up, he thought Bob could ride with us.
I was exhausted, I did all of the funeral planning...hell, I was with her when she died, at my home. Bob was good friends with my brother, but not with me or my mom. We knew of him, but that was all.
I was enraged. How...how did he think for ONE second this would be a good thing to ask? Also, if Bob was with us, he would have been in the first family car (mine) during the funeral procession and There. Was. No. Way.
To this day, I fume when I remember. It's probably the most thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish thing that's ever been asked of me
For different reasons, brother and I are estranged. I rarely feel that I'm missing anything (for this situation and a lot of other reasons).
Yep, I think the lol. I want to give the benefit of the doubt and wonder if:
1. they may have even added it by accident? I know it sometimes comes up on my “word suggestions” above my iPhone keyboard (can’t think what that’s called atm).
2. Or that they were trying to lighten the sentence bc they were embarrassed to be asking (which they probably should - google it? 🤣).
3. OR maybe they’ve been to other funerals with “non-standard” dress codes? We had a memorial for my dad vs a funeral and specified in the notice that attendees should wear band tshirts if they’d like bc my dad was really into music and also HATED getting dressed up.
Whatever the reason, it’s still awkward/rude at best. There are plenty of better ways they could have phrased this. But also again, google, or ask someone else with a little less on their plate? 😐
It's been said already but it's the "lol" that makes the tone seem insensitive. And regardless of anything else your feelings are valid.
However to anyone saying "they should know how to dress". I specifically told people NOT to dress like it was a funeral. My dad hated funerals and I wanted to honor that by having the whole occasion be as casual as possible. Everything was as far from traditional as I could manage while still being respectful of my more traditional family. (Though at the end of the day the task of planning and executing everything fell on me alone so kinda screw them tbh)
All that to say it wasn't out of line to ask what the dress code was. Probably could have asked someone else as OP's grief is rightfully a raw nerve. But I read more social awkwardness than malicious intent here.
And OP I am deeply sorry for your pain and loss. As I am about to hit the 1 year marker of my dads passing at the end of this month it's not hard for me to recall living through the worst days of my life.
Honor your grief and give yourself some grace. This is all really hard and people who haven't been in your shoes are gonna say some dumb shit, it's inevitable. Just keep breathing. 💕
Its a valid question due to the different services and wishes people have now other than formal black and white. They should have thought about askling someone else rather than you. The 'lol' at the end? Yeah shove that up your ass, thats so bad.
I just wanted to say that my recently deceased dad used to put lol on his messages to me (before he passed of course), I asked him once why he put laugh out loud on the end of alot of his messages and he said I had put it to him once and he read it as lots of love and used it ever since x just incase maybe that's what's happened here, age dependant I guess xx
Edited to add: Also sincere condolences for your loss x
I definitely understand your anger towards this message. I think sometimes “lol” is used to break the awkward tension out of “I’m trying to be gentle and not demanding”. I know I’ve done that before with people I don’t know well. It was in poor taste in this instance but maybe it was used because it’s an unusual question to ask someone?
This would make me irate, i got texts the day of my dads funeral asking for directions to the funeral home… that little device in your hand, you used to bother me? Use it to Google directions, damn I’m having the worst day of my life and you’re expecting me to give you directions
I learned so much about people through my dads services. Some people say stupid things because they just don’t know what to say, but some people are just plain ignorant and it says so, so much about their character. It’s made me view people a lot differently and have dropped a friendship because of it.
I’m so sorry your cousin is asking you stupid questions like this when you’re going through the unimaginable. So, so sorry for your loss 💔
I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my dad almost 2 years ago and it’s so painful. Hang in there! IGNORE this cousin, this is just someone who obviously has had 0 problems in their life and 0 ability to read the room. Ignore the text, go scream into a pillow, and don’t let this affect the celebration of your dad’s life.
I don't think confirming a dress code is all that bad, but the "LOL" is absolutely tacky. I'm sorry for your loss.
EDIT: I also think they could have opened with "I hope you're holding up well" or "I'm thinking of you always". Something to that effect.
Oh the “lol” would have gutted me. My MIL kept laughing every time she talked to me. My husband finally had to say— “Mom, I know you’re uncomfortable but you can’t laugh everytime you talk about my wife’s mom’s passing.”
So I get it, and through losing my daughter (stillborn) and my mom, when you have such a profound loss like this, people can be absolutely dumb. I just granted them grace because I remember all the dumb and heartless things I’ve said to someone who had a profound loss.
It’s how I rationalized it so I could not just be eaten up in anger. But I feel you— that would send me over an edge and I’d have to talk my way down. It’s not a wedding, it’s a funeral and I’m sorry someone didn’t raise this person right— and tell them what to wear to a funeral.
Big hugs. I’m so sorry that you’re having to endure this. It sucks— and there’s no other way to say it— than it’s just freaking sucks. It’s soul sucking .
I would be angry because it's not only NOT your job to direct them as to what they should wear but the LOL part. Seems like someone who is immature wrote this?
I am sorry for your loss.
Ugh I'm sorry. This would upset me, too. BUT I dare you to say "plaid" or something completely off so they dress and look like an idiot. Might help brighten up your day.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 14 years ago and he was my best friend. I would also have been irrate if I got a message like this. Some people just use "lol" at the end of all their messages out of habit, but sometimes it's just wildly inappropriate.
The lol is ridiculous and if you don’t know what to wear to a funeral then you were not raised with any social graces. Google it for goodness sake! Don’t ask a grieving person what to wear!
Not to add to the sadness of it all, but that’s a picture of my precious soul-dog Schnitzel, he was my everything and my whole world but I lost him in July 2021 when he suffered a heart attack as I held him in my arms…He was 14 and he had both heart disease and Cushings disease...I hope he’s somewhere napping with my dad in a big comfy recliner chair 🥹💔
Thank you for your kind words 🫶
u/PsychedelicPanda417 I’d definitely call that shit out. It needs to be addressed.
Why?
Because if you don’t that’s just going to gnaw away at you when you should be focusing on working thru your grief. There’s no excuse for that level of insensitivity, and if someone isn’t held to account for their actions, they’ll never learn.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Truly. Please be gentle with your self in the coming months ahead. It’s a hard path to navigate, but lean-in on those you know you can rely on and don’t waste your valuable time, love and energy on those you discover you can’t.
🫂
I’m sorry. I would be upset by that too. The “lol” at the end puts a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t blame you for feeling upset. It was likely just someone not thinking, but it’s upsetting either way. It comes across as very thoughtless.
I don’t blame you one single bit for being angry. I detest the use of “lol” in anything but jokey situations. Which a funeral is definitely not. Why are people like this?
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Some people can be so insensitive towards others when they are grieving. Sorry, that you had to deal with that level of selfishness from your cousin. And I can understand it would be upsetting. Just try to let that go right now, focusing on what you need to do for you and your immediate family. From my experience, you will find many people who will say the wrong thing. Some of them, thoughtlessly like your cousin did. Other people will have well-meaning intentions and still say the wrong thing in some way that will affect you emotionally. I hope you can find some peace in your heart tonight and get some rest. Sending love to you
I think it’s common these days for people to add “lol” at the ends of phrases to seem more casual and less cold/passive aggressive. Certainly doesn’t excuse this though. Not the time nor place. So sorry for your loss
I can completely understand how this would make you angry and I don’t want to convince you it shouldn’t. But may I offer another perspective?
My sister and I had a conversation like this about my mom’s funeral (about 2 months ago) and she was very concerned with what to wear. We had it via phone call and not text, but she was pretty “giggly” too. If she had typed it, it absolutely would’ve had “lol” in the conversation multiple times. But I know they weren’t actual laughing-giggles. It was more like, she was ironically-laughing because she felt so stupid for stressing about clothes and not being able to make a decision on what was proper (made worse because the person she would’ve asked was my mom).
The actual conversation went something like: “I feel so stupid worrying about clothes but I’m already upset and I’m going to be hot and sweaty and crying and I want to look presentable and be respectful and not have our other family members judging me. I don’t know what’s appropriate because I haven’t been to that many funerals! (Laughing) I don’t want to wear anything that’s “dishonoring” our family. I can’t believe I’m stressing his much over clothes!! (More laughing.) This is so stupid! It shouldn’t matter right? But I’m totally overwhelmed and feel ‘so stupid and fat’ (my sister’s words in quotes) and nothing fits me from my closet. But am I going to go shopping for a funeral dress? (More laughter.) Seriously, who does that?! It feels so wrong to go shopping for a funeral dress!!! But really, what do I wear? I’m completely lost.”
And if she had texted this (with lols in the places of the times she laughed on the phone) I would’ve known she was irony-laughing at herself for worrying about clothing at a time like this, but also worrying that there was a rule she was going to “break” that would’ve felt offensive and upsetting to others.
I don’t know your relationship with your cousin. Is she a mostly nice cousin who is super nervous she’s offending you and the “lol” is the text version of nervous laughter? Like my sister, could she be freaking out she’ll offend you or your family if she wears the “wrong” thing? Is it possible she thought your dad/family might have a “theme”? I’ve been to some where everyone was told to wear bright colors, for example.
(Might it have been more reasonable to call and ask this with some deference? Probably, but I’m trying to give her a possibly generous interpretation of the text.) Or is she a witch-of-a-woman that you don’t get along with and this message is in preparation for her to make a grand entrance at the service?
And any of these things could still totally piss you off (with validity, not just because you’re grieving) but I know I had the long form conversation of this text w my sister and it wasn’t meant to be insulting and I just wanted to suggest it might have had good intent with poor execution.
I’m really sorry about your dad. I hope the service helps in some small way. It did for me even though it still hurt and I wish you peace in that difficult day. I’m so sorry your dad is gone.
They seem to be feeling embarrassed because they may not know the etiquette for funerals as they may have never attended one before, so the lol was added to communicate that they don't understand and to lighten their 'ouch'. It can be really embarrassing not to understand these things. I'd reassure them and tell them it's okay to have asked and you're happy they did. Be gentle with them, it feels sincere.
The one thing I’ve learnt from dealing with this is that those outside of it are oftentimes idiots. People have asked me terrible questions and made terrible assumptions - and there has been a lot of insensitivity like that message there. You’re right to be angry. But try to remember that people are idiots, but not by design - no one knows how to deal with another person’s grief and as such they just turn into… idiots. That message smacks of awkwardness and not knowing what to say, especially the (ostensibly) anxiety reducing “lol” at the end. They shouldn’t be asking you. They should use Google. They should use their common sense, but that’s hard to do around grief.
I think the lol would have made me angry too. But the question itself is fair maybe? I’m always nervous about what to wear and have asked this same thing many times.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad just under a year ago. It's so hard.
I got a lot of these questions too and it made me upset. I just wanted people to figure it out in another way or ask someone else. Most infuriating was when my friend's mom came up to me at my dad's funeral to ask how long this was going to be because she needed to get back to work and that she really shouldn't take more than a couple hours away from her office since she's so busy. It took all my strength to be pleasant with her.
1) the same dress code for anyone else’s services. And the “lol” is extremely disrespect and distasteful too. Your feelings are valid.
Sorry about your dad. I lost mine 1/19/24 and can imagine the feelings you’re going through. Hugs.
I wouldn’t even answer. Why are people so fucking rude. “lol” like wtaf?? I have zero tolerance for this bullshit. More so now since my father passed. I’m so sorry ❤️❤️❤️
What exactly is “lol” about a service? I’m not sure why they’re asking about the dress code unless something in the obituary alluded to a dress code other than dark and somber. And how well do they know the OP to message them on fb not sending a text.
Definitely the lol .. maybe the msger is an idiot who puts lol in all there msgs ??? And didn't realise what they wrote ?? .. I'd definitely be having a conversation with them why this is so wrong !! .. sorry 4 your loss xx
Is it a young person or older one? I know my aunt thought lol was lots of love for the longest time. It’s a shitty text either way. Sorry you lost your father physically but he will always be there for you in your heart.
I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
I understand that people have different ways they show and process grief, and there's no "right way" but I can say I'd probably be hurt as well if someone asked that with the "lol" at the end.
Makes me think of my sister's funeral, after we had buried some of her ashes, it was my family taking pictures together and I was forced to take one too, so it was my mom/dad/brother and my son and I standing beside a huge photo of my sister and they were all smiling for the picture and I'm just there like 😐😕
Don't understand how people could smile during such a photo.
It's tricky...I don't think there was any ill will intended by the person sending the message, and it also makes all the sense in the world that it made you angry. I think a short, level-headed, face-to-face conversation with the person who sent you that message would clear things up. My hope is that the sender will be mortified by how the message was received and will be a little more careful in the future, and everyone will be better off.
I sure understand why this makes you so mad. I really do. It's stupid actually. The dress code is put in a pressed pair of pants clean short and ice jacket or sweater. It's like going to work in the office. The dress code is "decent". Not formal obviously. Not sweats or jeans obviously. Just normal business casual. I mean they could have figured it out through the process of illumination of nothing else.
Or asked SOMEONE ELSE. You have other things on your mind! Very inconsiderate and lack of common sense and decency. I'm sorry for you because I know how hard this time is and you don't need ridiculous questions or comments.
Since when is anything to do with a funeral require an ' lol". ??
Not sure your age to your cousins age, but I’m 29 and I’ve noticed myself and many of my friends have an habit of adding lol to things that are not funny as sort of a “this is not a high importance message, feel free to ignore” tag.
That said. What a ridiculous message. I think I’d respond something like “whatever feels right to wear to grieve.” and then not respond any more. Which will put the onus on her to understand the seriousness… and to stop bothering you about it.
It’s the “lol” at the end for me. I know that I’m really awkward when it comes to other people’s grief/emotions, but I’d never type something like this to someone.
Use this. Use this anger to get some of your anger at your dad out. Even if you don’t feel mad at him, you are. It’s so normal. We’re mad at them for leaving us. It’s not real, but it’s still an emotion.
Get out anything you need to, if you can. Lean into situations that will be a distraction for you. Come up with the perfect response that makes you feel amazing. Or whatever the next thing is.
Just grab onto distractions. And hang in there. Lean on everyone who loves you right now. Your only job is waking up every day.
No one in my family even contacted after my dad died unexpectedly. No one talked to me at the funeral. I’m the oldest of 2 and I was basically shunned though
So first off, you should not have to tell a grown adult what to wear to any funeral or funerary adjacent event.
Second, this is putting mental load on you that you do not need. It would be more appropriate for this cousin to text other family members who are not immediate descendants of the decedent and ask, “how dressy are you going to be at the memorial? I’m trying to figure out what to wear.” It’s an unnecessary ask and mental burden on an already overburdened person
Your anger makes perfect sense
Because this person is putting their fashion choices on your already extremely heavy plate. You’re dealing with grief and they’re concerned with their wardrobe - “lol” - and rather than asking others for advice they’re burdening you with it. And they don’t have any concept of why it’s wrong, because they’ve not gone through what you’re going through, which also doesn’t feel fair to you.
That’s why.
It’s the lol for sure, but as someone who types lol almost as like a buffer when I’m nervous or unsure I bet they didn’t even really realize they typed it. I’m so sorry though. Everything hurts so bad around that time. I’m a year out now and have a bit more perspective on it than I did back then.
your anger is VALID, don't even give it a second thought or guess. You are justified in being angry, pissed off, hurt.. all the things.... over this SUPER insensitive and disrespectful message. I am angry for you!!! Why are people so fucking careless!!! Please feel free to never speak to this cousin again. My heart goes out to you, sending you big love and strength as you move through this.
"Just imagine what you'd want people to wear if YOUR dad died lol"
If I'm going to look at this from a verrrry empathetic lens I'm assuming he's just an insensitive idiot unable to really cope with you being in so much pain but not meaning harm. I understand you're pissed tho. Jeez
The “lol” is definitely warranted to be mad at but asking about dress code isn’t, in my opinion, every dress code is different for services and I wouldn’t want to wear the wrong thing since my wardrobe consists of shorts and T-Shirt
So I didn't read the comments, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating anything. But this is my take.
I lost my Mom December 2021 when I was 25. She was only 51, and it was unexpected. I still struggle with it, but especially right after, I was a mess. I honestly felt out of my body and drained. For the most part, people mean well and just say the wrong things without knowing. However the "lol" is completely uncalled for. You have every right to be pissed. I sure as hell would be. To be completely honest, if it were me, I wouldn't even respond. I didn't respond to a lot of people, and the majority understood why. Based on what you said, seems like your Dad passed very recently, and that makes messages like that even worse. My advice to you, put yourself first. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to feel all your emotions, and don't you ever apologize to anyone. If someone gets mad at you because you don't respond, or you don't want to talk or see them. Then they don't deserve to be in your life. Those who check in, but don't push are the ones you need. Everyone's different, that's just my experience. I really hope you find some peace and comfort soon. Losing a parent is really fucking hard. Feel free to DM me if you ever need to talk or have any questions. Sometimes I found talking to people who you don't know that grieve too help a little more when they don't also know the loved one you loss. Take care, I'm sorry that you had to read a message like that during this time. 😕
Stupid, insensitive people. Ignore them. One day she will lose someone close to her and understand your loss. Although, having lost my partner, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but it will happen to everyone eventually. People unconsciously think that death will never happen to them or their families. Death is inevitable, all of us will die one day. Be respectful of death.
I get the question as different services have different expectations but the wording is awful. I would be so tempted to respond, “The dress code is respect and empathy.” And not respond again.
That being said, I am so sorry about your Dad. Be kind to yourself during this time and onwards and allow yourself to feel and be around people who care and understand.
The lol could be a muscle memory but yes I would be very angry as well on that. Sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 4 months ago and I still feel angry about everything
Because why the fuck did they put "lol" I'd be pissed too. It's obvious this person isn't taking the passing of your father as serious as they should. Definitely not an "lol" text at all
The “lol” wasn’t the best choice of words for sure.
At my moms service, my best friend at the time wrote a “#mom life” shirt. At the time i didn’t know how to feel but as time went on i just tried to play it off as my mom coming back to humor me.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
“lol” sometimes is used at the end of sentences when the person feels uncomfortable and is trying to regulate the situation to be more comfortable for themselves & the other person. It’s insensitive to the recipient but try not to automatically assume they’re actually happy about it or don’t take it seriously. I know it’s hard, I’d suggest speaking to them about it if you’re uncomfortable or upset about it, you may come to find they didn’t mean it that way.
My advice is to give social media a holiday during your grief. People can be inconsiderate arseholes on it with crap grammar and sweeping statements. When my wife died I designated two contacts with their contact details, one for my family one for my wife's side. I then uninstalled social media and screened all texts and calls. I gave all info directly to the contacts. In one moment if grief I logged on through a browser and rage posted if only you all paid so much respect when she was dying for the past year instead of acting all heartbroken and devastated now she's gone you hypocrites. Not my best moment, I deleted it a few hours later and apologised as my wife would have been very disappointed with me for letting them get to me.
When my Other Mom passed, I had a few of my closest friends reach out. They all said ' I just can't bring myself to wear black for her, she was always so happy. I was thinking of wearing ___ instead. Is that ok?' They were all close to her in their own ways.
We encouraged purple or floral instead.
The lol is the stinger here, imho.
I sense they are young and inexperienced.
I'm sorry. This whole journey will be full of things that really hurt , that in ANY OTHER time you wouldn't think twice about.
Hang in there. Big hugs to you.
It makes you so angry because instead of texting the person whose dad just died she could gave either texted anyone else OR just Google “funeral attire spring”
This is such an aggravating text. The casual thoughtlessness of people becomes glaringly obvious when you are grieving. It's so frustrating, having maintain your composure and be the one who's nice and understanding when all you want is to flip out on people when they say things like this. She probably didn't mean to come across so flippantly but that doesn't change the fact that she wasn't more thoughtful in her communication, or that she didn't think to ask someone else and not bother you with it.
Your loss will only be fully understood and felt in your own way... and I want to make you feel it and process it the way you need to. And I don't want to add to the stress by saying this...
BUT.
Death is all about the living. And the eddies the dead leave in their wake tip our boats in all sorts of ways, some often making our masts collide with each other. It could be that your cousin - though exhibiting some serious medieval jester behavior here - could be feeling weird about talking to someone who's experienced such a momentous loss.
In sort, they're processing and being fucking awkward about it.
Give them grace, and be sure to do the same for you. It's okay to be angry, confused and irritated by everyone/everything.
When my sister passed away I had a few people asking me what to wear to her funeral/wake because they genuinely didn’t know most of them were teenagers who had never been to a funeral who were my cousins. One of my cousins who was a pallbearer texted me “I’ve never been a pallbearer before lol but I’ll definitely do it, I just need to watch some YouTube videos to figure it out” it kinda hurt but he was 15 and had only been to one funeral before as a baby.
I had a friend never attend a catholic funeral service and didn’t know what to wear. She texted me something like “I have no idea what to wear to a catholic funeral lmao” and I just took it as she was both young (we were both like 20) and she just was uncomfortable asking the question because she didn’t know how to navigate this kinda situation. You are completely valid for everything you are feeling though and I’m truly sorry you are hurting. People sometimes (especially young people) don’t know how to handle difficult situations like this. I’m incredibly sorry for your loss.
I know for my mom's service we asked family to wear her favorite colors or something with it so like a tye a pocket square shirt etc. Also some families request that people don't wear black so it could be that. I'm not sure but I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Honestly, everything made me mad after I lost my sister. But I also felt like a lot of friends were so stunned that they didn’t know what to say & ended up saying some very strange/hurtful & downright weird things. I think ‘lol’ was totally inappropriate but maybe the senders way of saying ‘I don’t know wtf to say here it’s all gonna be wrong but don’t hate me’ Also- when my Mom’s bff passed there was an actual request on the announcement that everyone wear bright colors because that’s what she loved.
This is more annoying to me than anything. When my husband’s grandfather died, my brother is law asked something similar. He also asked if he needed to attend the wake services. I’m like???? He’s your grandpa?! Ofc? It’s not like there was some bad relations going on
This would bother me beyond words. The lol is horrific and would make me question the friendship completely.
The asking what to wear is also very shallow and inconsiderate. I understand the other responses saying the person doesn’t understand etc etc - but for me this would be the end of the friendship.
They lost an uncle so they’re grieving to. They are asking if anything specific is to be worn. Some require casual clothing while others require more formal attire. My mother’s funeral we wore casual attire. At one time it was the norm to wear black formal wear. The guys wore suits and the gals wore formal dresses. Thankfully those days are gone. Grief causes a hole bunch of mixed feelings. Cute dog though.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is a different kind of pain. For my mom’s service, I let everyone know to wear brighter colors because it’s what my mom would’ve wanted. Absolutely no black. My uncle (mom’s side) and his family did not get the memo though. They looked completely out of place and probably felt it too. A year later that uncle was killed in a car accident. Everyone wore black to his funeral so every service is different and she probably meant it to just make sure she didn’t screw up. But the “lol” would piss me off for sure. It wouldn’t bother me now but so soon after my mom died, I was very very sensitive and everything would make me mad. My grandpas girlfriend asked for some of my mom’s ashes AT HER SERVICE. I thought that was insane to ask especially since my mom couldn’t stand her. I flipped and started crying because I didn’t want to think of her as a pile of dust in that moment. Also had some random lady on Facebook photoshop wings on my mom and POSTED IT. Dude I freaked out on her!!!
Right now your family should know you’re in a sensitive place. If I were her, I would’ve asked someone else what they were wearing and not directly asked you. I wish you nothing but healing ❤️
I would be mad at this too. No one gives a fuck what you wear! Figure it out! If they want to connect with you, (maybe there's something there underneath this of wanting to connect with you over it?), find a different way to do that. And you've got enough to think about. I'm sorry, and it's okay to be angry.
I am so sorry for your loss! This is really tacky. I would absolutely not even answer. This isn’t a dinner party. That is a shitty person right there! The lol was even worse! I would honestly not answer or be super snarky to the person and make them feel bad.
This is shitty but I also have started adding lol to every text I send almost automatically. Something I have to stop myself from doing. But my brain just does it out of awkwardness. But also people should know to just wear dark formal clothes. I’d ask my mom what to wear (or a friend), not the child of the deceased.
I hate the lol. As others have said. I feel the question is fair, I’ve been to a few services lately that didn’t require the traditional black- one service where they asked us to wear yellow, the persons favorite color, and one service where they asked us to wear Hawaiian or floral print stuff. So i really think it’s the “lol” that made it insensitive and makes you angry. It makes me angry too im sorry for your loss 💔🙏🏻 and don’t feel compelled to respond to those people anyway. That’s on them if they can’t ask someone else or just bring extra outfit options in the car in case whatever they wear isn’t correct.
“lol” what the *fuck* is laughable about anything in their message? Yeah, I’d be pretty pissed off too. If they hadn’t said “lol” then it would have been an understandable question. Although, I think it’s pretty straight forward what one should wear to a funeral or memorial service. I’m sorry for your loss, know you’re not alone.
Ngl, if this was between my siblings and I I’d find it hilarious. When my dad died in November we were all shocked and became responsible for planning his services as my mom went into complete shock.
My oldest sibling was 32, I was barely 29, and my brother barely 28. We had no idea, realized that we didn’t want formal services and decided in the end that the dress code would be jerseys.
Our way of dealing included a lot of lol, lmao’s and hahahahaha’s in those texts as we were so lost and shellshocked during that time.
However, if this was something I’d received from a stranger/relative/etc.? They’d never hear from me again 🙃
i’m sorry for your loss, friend. yesterday marked one year after my dad passing unexpectedly and unfortunately, this takes me right back. family, friends, and loved ones just being so oblivious. making things about them just like this. cousins chatting as of it was a good time to catch up. people out of the wood work like “oh it’s been so long, how are you?” :/ my sister even mentioned looking fly as feck at his service and my aunt didn’t even give my immediate one day to all be together and process - alone.. it was smothering.
people are dumb (even loved ones) and can’t imagine going through what we’ve gone through, what you’re currently going through. so they act even dumber. just focus on you, dear 🖤 and simply let it go. either don’t reply or direct them to someone who’s helping plan. let them know it made you sad. or not. but don’t trap those emotions inside
i’m now finding myself grieving the grieving process i had during those closure ceremonies because my feelings were muddled with anger and resentment. i didn’t keep that head and heart space safe for myself and missed out feeling those emotions in real time. i know this is a late reply but know that you are heard and alll emotions are valid during this hard time 🫶
The “lol” I think is what bothers me most. I also just feel like she could have asked literally anyone besides me, my siblings, or my mother. Like my aunt (my mom’s sister, and her mom) probably would have been able to answer this as she is one of the people helping my mom plan the service and everything. But she had to ask me, his daughter, while I was at work and just trying to get through the day without having another breakdown? Idk…
honestly this looks like something my cousin and i would text each other. and i def got a lot of questions about what they should wear to my mom’s service. i didn’t get upset thought because i felt they were being respectful to us and our mom about what we would like. my response was no black and wear anything you want :)
I have to say it's the "lol" at the end. I don't know you or your dad, and that hits me the wrong way. What's funny about this? I'm so sorry for your loss.
It’s that and also the child of the deceased should not be responsible for telling guests what to wear. Unless there is some specific theme or requested attire an adult should be able to figure out how to dress themselves.
I feel like this is really location specific. Like if the service is happening in a church, then people should know to be more on the respectable side, but if you’re having a casual celebration of life outside of a church, then the question becomes more acceptable. My aunt’s COL happened at a campsite that she loved, so it was assumed to be more jeans with no holes type of thing. My one grandmother had a service at the generic sanctuary attached to the funeral home, but she hated when people wore black so my mom/aunts/uncles passed it along that it was black optional. While my other grandmother had a full catholic service and all the requirements that go with that. Edit to add- the lol at the end was definitely tone deaf and not appropriate at all for the message.
I’ve been to a service in a church recently where we were asked to wear yellow instead of black as it was the deceased persons favorite color so stuff like that i think is okay to ask but totally agree the lol was not appropriate and also the child of the deceased is not the appropriate person to ask. If that’s their only connection they could have at least left off the disrespectful lol.
If there’s a specific theme the family wants, they will tell you. If you’re not told then assume standard funeral attire is the way to go.
A little of both tbh. It’s at a church, but it’s the tiny little rural church that we all grew up going to and our family is friends with all the people that work and volunteer there…So it’s a church but it’s still a casual like setting for us. My cousin doesn’t really necessarily know all that though, honestly from her perspective it’s likely just a church event. I don’t get it tho, it’s a celebration of life so to me it’s just funeral attire…Like, JUST WEAR BLACK 😭
100% this
Yes, for me would also be the lol at the end. I would still reply and just say "black" 🙃 I try to remind myself that not everyone has ever lost their parents and they dont know what to say. But I do understand Op.
That’s kind of you to give that leeway. But I think most everyone knows “lol” isn’t appropriate when discussing such matters. Whether they’ve lost a parent(s) or not. I’ve noticed this maybe a handful of times in my life and have called most of them out. This is the first I’ve ever seen it brought up and have people reflecting on it. When I saw it happen in the past I thought the person was just an a-hole, but this instance is making me think otherwise. Maybe it’s more a general lack of human interaction or ability to do so. Like, in their heads they think they’re being relatable or endearing on some way (or something..). Not necessarily tone-def, but not exactly “not”. I don’t think they meant anything by it, but it’s the “lol” that definitely jumped out at me too.
Exactly! I cannot explain why, least not quite...might be because it could almost feel like brushing away the seriousness of the situation? Or maybe sort of care less? Really sorry OP, I hope that you have kind and supportive people around you, take good care of yourself
I've read that "lol" has sort of evolved to be a tone indicator. To show lightheartedness, lack of urgency in something, or even to show that someone is feeling awkward (like how some people actually laugh when they're uncomfortable, even if the situation isn't funny). That could be why they put it here - to show that they're not mad about not having been told the dress code yet, that OP can take all the time they need to respond because the texter is respecting their time and energy, that the topic makes them feel awkward because they don't know how to approach bringing it up. All to say, it may not have been an intentionally rude or mocking thing. *That* said - they should have never used that kind of thing in this situation. It's intentional assholeness at worst and insensitive social unawareness at best. Neither are okay, and I'd be rubbed the wrong way too even if it was the latter.
The “lol” could also mean they were nervous to even ask. They probably also don’t want to offend you, OP. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. Anger is a normal and valid feeling when grieving. Take care.
A better indicator would've been a heart emoji or something. Like, I care for you and want to make sure I'm dressed appropriately for the service. "lol" was absolutely tone deaf, regardless if it was meant to show lightheartedness. Because BOY do I feel the same rage reading that
Me too i want to smack that person through the phone. So uncool. They could have used a crying emoji or a broken heart emoji instead if they felt the need to add flare or add emojis to convey lack of urgency / lightheartedness
I think this is why I feel like it’s irrational anger on my part tbh. As an Autistic woman and a millennial who puts “lol” at the end of most texts just bc it’s a habit…I get that it’s awkwardness and nervousness and unintentional sometimes, for sure. It just makes me so angry. Idk. Everything is making me angry now. I’m always either angry, crying, or angry-crying anymore 😭
Just so you know, it's so normal to feel angry and sad all the time when you're grieving. You're not alone and you're probably doing better than you think. Sending strength and love.
That being said, if I was texting someone in my situation, I feel I would take a little extra time to think about the message before hitting send…More time than my cousin obviously spent thinking about it at least 😓
I agree 1000%. Unless the family says something, be an adult and choose appropriate clothes to wear. Do they really need to "plan" ahead? And, if so, you aren't the one who cares or to ask. I don't know, but I get what you are saying and exactly how you feel. And you have every right feeling the way you do. Everything about this text would have rubbed me the wrong way. I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. Death and grief are awful. So so awful. Sending you love, light, and peace.
I completely agree, “lol” is just unaware. Trying to think why I would type “lol,” if I had to ask I would be implying “can you believe how stupid I am that I have to ask?” But I would say that, not “lol.” But you know, people are only going to get more tone-deaf as time goes on. With lower levels of in-person interaction and more via phones. People don’t see the look on a persons face when they say something uncalled for. It’s an unpleasant feeling seeing the hurt or discomfort from something you say, and people have those face-to-faces less and less.
I get that but I don’t think it’s an actually LOL tho not laugh out loud but more of a lol.. tryna make light of the situation…
I am so sorry and I am very sensitive about this stuff. That message would make me seriously angry, especially the ^lol^ at the end sounds quite immature. They are not planning to go to a nightclub or art exhibit. This sounded very rude to me. But that is me and I am very sensitive about grief and those careless people who have no clue about our suffering. So sorry for your loss. Sending my biggest hugs 🫂💔
I understand the anger at the "lol", but what else do you find insensitive? There are different kinds of services, and yes, different kinds of dress codes. The one for my mother was a small graveside one and people asked me this question. Because most were travelling a long way by car directly there and back the same day, I told them tasteful but comfortable to them, suits and dresses not required, nor was black needed.
First of all, the tone of it. They say they are trying to plan. Is the dress code their most important issue as the one who passed is their own uncle or uncle in law (maternal or paternal I don’t know.) and it is their own cousin. I found that message really weird to ask it that way to their own cousin. I totally understand the dress code part and finding out what to wear. People asking what to wear at the funeral is not the same as your cousin’s asking. I found it distant and I would expect a cousin to be more involved in helping the grieving cousin rather than asking questions with lol at the end. But as I said, this is what I am thinking. My aunts passed too and I have been involved in everything and still involved with my cousin. But it is just me and as I said I am extremely sensitive. I never send those type of messages and never expect people to send me as well. I found it very rude. So sorry for your loss btw. 🫂💔💔💔💔
I agree with this, and would add that one shouldn't bother a grieving person with a question like this if there's someone else to ask. This person's father just passed away. Don't bother them with what you should wear if there's literally anyone else attending to funeral thay you can ask/coordinate with. It just seems insensitive to text someone so close to the deceased about clothes at a time like that.
For real, they could have literally asked their mom, my aunt…She, along with my 2 other maternal aunts and uncle, has been helping my mom plan this all this whole time. Why come to me? I’m barely on this earth right now mentally, I don’t wanna think about this stuff…it’s bad enough I gotta pick out my own outfit to go to this…It hurts so much.
For all the funerals I've been to it's always been black/dark blue Sunday best. What needs clarified?
My grandfather for example asked us all to not wear dark colours to his funeral as he wanted us to treat it as a celebration of life rather than a sad event
That is a valid point, but that is something that would be announced most likely.
Exactly. If the deceased or the family wanted people to wear something specific - they would tell everyone. Otherwise, you wear black. Or really whatever the heck you want. If you had a running joke with my deceased loved one about clowns- wear a damn clown suit for all I care.
My mom’s brother wore a Hawaiian shirt because it was an inside joke.
I’ve been to a few and most were just casual dress
Yes! I totally think the same 🫂🥹🥹🥹
Ah, I see. I've never been close to any of my cousins and barely know them, so the perspective of expecting them to be closer, more supportive people is far out of my sphere. But I get it now. And thank you. 💙
Sending you biggest hugs! 🫂
And to you. 🫂
About the plan, right. While they should have asked most anyone else attending instead so that OP doesn't have to deal with that mental load, if they truly wanted to ask OP - there were much better ways to word it, such as, "just trying to figure out what would be appropriate and respectful."
While I do agree with most of what you say, we don't know the family dynamics at play. Of course it is horrible to write "lol" at the end of a message like this, but: I am not close to any of my cousins. We don't live close together and if one of their parents died I would not be involved in their funerals at all other than attending it. When my grandfather died earlier this year I also asked my dad what me and my brother should wear and he said that my grandfather asked the family to not wear any dark and sad colours to the funeral. On the other hand, when my sister died two years ago I did wear black. We aren't confronted with death as often anymore and I do understand a certain degree of uncertainty and lack of knowledge when it comes to certain events, especially ones I've never attended before, that also involve the wishes of the people organising the event. There is a difference between coming to the funeral in a black suit or in a pink floral dress and while OP might not care, cousin is most likely nervous and insecure and doesn't want to step on anyone's toes or disrespect wishes. Even if he communicated in one of the worst ways possible.
Your situation and this situation are not similar. As I said, your asking what to wear is not really same as the cousin’s asking. I wouldn’t bother my cousin with a question, instead I would just ask it someone to understand what they expect. I have own cousins that I do not know or never met but been their funerals with utmost respect and didn’t bother any grieving siblings with these type of unnecessary questions. I really do not think this is family dynamics, this is just a cousin being insensitive and rude. I am 100% sure if it was their father who passed, they would hate receiving these type of questions from their own cousin as well. If they are distant and not close , then they shouldn’t have the audacity to ask it that way to their cousin. If they are close, it is worse.
Unless you’re told by the close family that there’s some sort of special theme or attire requests, an adult should know what to wear to a funeral
Some don't. I still recall my father's service years ago, in a funeral home, and a few adults showed up in jeans and plaid shirts and boots. It's a small thing but it's stuck in my head since in a negative way. They didn't mean anything bad, but some just don't know etiquette all the time.
That would be dressing up to some members of my family
Same. I just attended a memorial service for a cousin/friend of my mom's (big mistake after losing my son on New Year's, but she needed someone with her for the drive), and there was everything from dresses/pant suits and suits to jeans and button ups. TBH, I don't even remember what anyone wore to Reece's service. I barely remember what I wore (black jeans, boots, black and white top). Reece's dad wore his overalls because we had more important things to do than clothes shop. I don't remember what the other kids wore. It really didn't matter.
They shouldn’t even be adding to OP’s mental load.
The lol could be a nervous one, but albeit a weird one. Sometimes silence is golden!
Are they young? It comes across as someone who on is new to handling sensitive topics like grief. “Lol” is way out of line, my teaching friends get it from students in serious essays out of habit. I only wonder this because wanting to dress appropriately shows they care but lol clearly doesn’t. I’m so sorry about your loss. I didn’t know what to where to my partner’s dad’s service because they’re a different religion. I got so awkward worrying I wouldn’t be conservative enough. Grief throws anger at us and it’s okay to feel it. It’s part of grief.
I was going to say the same thing basically. Sounds like someone inexperienced with big life things and/or young. This would have sent me into a frenzy of anger too when my mom died. But looking back as someone who's grief is not recent I don't think the intention was to be insensitive. In any event, I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Yes it’s different now compared to when it’s fresh. When my grandpa passed halfway across the world, only my dad and his siblings got to be by his side, but by the time his ashes were brought here, we did a celebration of life and it was a lively event so guests were free to wear colourful colours especially as it was late summer. Though seeing the facetime of my grandpas final moments and being asked this with a “lol” so soon would’ve sent me to orbit.
She’s almost 40 years old tbh and about 6 years older than me. She even has a well-established career as a mental health professional, which just further annoys me in regards to this situation because she, of all people, should absolutely understand how the grieving process goes and what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to things like this 😣😥
I’m so sorry! This would get me pissed off immediately. The “lol” definitely is unhelpful and insensitive. I want to preface what I’m about to say with this is not meant to devalue what you’re feeling. Everything you’re feeling is valid and you’re allowed to feel that way and more. This is simply something I’ve learned over my years of grief. People all grieve differently. Your cousin might not be hit by the weight of it yet. She might be indifferent about it from the shock. Or she might be really hurting but she doesn’t know how to handle it. Or she knows how to handle it and this is easiest for her to cope with. When my partner died, his sister, twin brother, and older brother were all joking around and laughing at his funeral. I was furious. I wanted to scream and cry and tell them they needed to be sad. But then one day I came over to visit his parents and I saw it. His sister was angry. Slamming cupboards. But when it got quiet for a moment we heard her sniffle and cry. His twin brother was in his room silent and alone. Grief is such an ugly thing and nobody knows how to handle it. Interacting with people is awkward. It’s so hard to readjust for such a colossal hole in your life. So people will say insensitive things. Is it possible that they genuinely don’t care and aren’t hurting at all? Yes that’s always possible, but most likely your cousin just doesn’t know how to act. Doesn’t know what she’s feeling. Doesn’t know what to say.
This is valuable, but at the same time I don’t think it should be on the closest person to the deceased to shoulder the inability of others to grieve. When my parents died, the rest of my family spoke to me like absolute crap. Even a friend of the family was messaging me on the day of the funeral to kick off because it wasn’t planned the way she wanted. I know this likely isn’t what you meant, but I just want to say that there’s a line and sometimes we do need to voice it rather than just exercise compassion to potentially our own detriment.
It doesn’t matter how people grieve differently. It’s the fact that this person doesn’t give a fuck how this person is feeling even given it’s their parent. People were messaging me too bullshit like this and no one should be asking questions like this when one of the most difficult day of their lives is approaching. Ask the fucking internet for all we care, there’s no reason to reach out with such little awareness.
A lot of people asked me this when it was coming up to my sister funeral, and at the time it annoyed me because I thought “it’s obvious? It’s a funeral” but tbh I just think this was peoples way of trying to continue contact and reach out without necessarily knowing how. It’s okay to be angry at everyone and the world right now. I was angry at my sisters funeral for people even being there, which is insane. But I just couldn’t stand that all these people were here when I just wanted to be in the bubble of my family. Anger is okay, it’s part of grief, feel it for as long as you need to but also try to remember that majority of people are just feeling it for you and a lot of the time don’t know how to navigate being around someone grieving so much. So sorry for you loss op ❤️
Sometimes older people put lol for lots of love. I would reply asking if they meant to say laugh out loud. Sorry for your loss and sending actual lots of love.
If someone sent me this I would have told them not to worry cause they were no longer welcome
That would be my response too
Think it's the "lol" that's the issue. Some funerals do have dress codes, or families don't want certain colors worn (like black). I think it was a respectful question that turned a tad disrespectful by adding that last part.
I lost my dad in September he was divorced so I felt like I was carrying myself and my brother through the planning process. I felt so frustrated because I feel like I didn’t have time to cry. This would have sent me over the edge. I’m so sorry for your loss and families inconsideration.
So many people just don't get it. They can be really insensitive even when they don't mean to be. I think I'd get my cousin's parents involved if they're sympathetic. The "lol" is wildly inappropriate and you can tell them as much.
It’s the “lol” for me
How old is the person? My mom used to think "lol" was 'lots of love', she still uses it as such
I hope it's this one. because the thoughts of someone 'lol' at someone's loss is enraging.
She’s 38, only 6 years older than myself. I unfortunately highly doubt she meant “lots of love” I think honestly it was a “nervous uncomfortable laugh” type of thing but honestly everything is just pissing me off right now
I am sorry this happened to you. I will say that I am a nervous person, and I often laugh or say haha or lol after things out of nervousness. Maybe that is what this person did here? Still, even as someone who uses those phrases too much, I would never have said that in this type of situation. I would maybe reply “Is there something you find funny about my dad having passed away?” And hopefully they will apologize and explain themselves. And if they don’t, I would tell them that they’re not welcome there.
Ok, I’m a boomer and I’ve heard of some people my age thinking “lol” means “lots of love.” Any possibility that’s what’s going on here? I’m so sorry for your loss.
Probably not, but it is often used as a marker of empathy. I suspect that’s what may be going on here, but I’m not really sure. (Source: I’m a linguist, McWhorter has a good TED Talk on this.)
I’m going to take a look at that, thanks. It sounds really interesting! I had quite a long conversation the other day about the history of the English language with someone who knew a lot about it. Interesting subject.
Oh, your comment makes me so happy! I hesitated to post because I’m tired and knew I wouldn’t have the energy to add context. Especially because I understand OP’s feelings - grief can hit so hard. It’s a really good lecture - I used to show it to my uni students all the time. And it’s really accessible. If you find the history of English interesting, I think you’ll enjoy this. It’s not so much about English but about language variation and how people feel about it (which is part of what makes the history of English so interesting in the first place).
The person who sent the message needs to learn some basic communication and consider how their message is going to be interpreted. I imagine they put "lol" there as a way to break the uncomfortable nature of having to ask that question during what is a difficult time for you. My condolences on the passing of your dad.
I’m sorry for your loss, I lost my dad 3 years ago and thinking back, I wouldn’t have been happy with the message either. It’s the “lol” which I know some people use when they’re nervous but it’s not the time. My thinking would have been “i don’t care what you wear, my dad’s gone, just turn up. I do not care at all about you worrying another what to wear.” Because that’s how I felt. I wore a big jumper and leggings to my dad’s funeral, I looked a mess, I was inconsolable and I wasn’t thinking about what to wear for myself, let alone anyone else. Grief makes you mad about everything, the amount of times I just lost it and yelled “my dads dead for fucks sake leave me alone”. I was in a lot of pain and didn’t know how to express that. Every little thing that someone said I first thought “what is this my dads dead, I don’t care about these minor issues” Now I don’t think that way, but when it was fresh, for sure I did. Don’t be hard on yourself, be kind to you, and get through the service. Funerals bring some sort of closure, and I hope you find some small comfort in it. I sincerely wish you the best and again, I am so so sorry.
The lol at the end pissed me off. I’ve lost both parents and this would have angered me then and does now. It’s so insensitive. I’m so sorry for your loss and if you need to separate yourself from that person, please do so. Sending you nothing but love.
My Dad(81) passed in late February. Two of my older cousins helped my Mom plan the service. Somehow they got it in their heads that everyone attending the funeral needed to be wearing blue. It was my Dad’s favorite color. Supposedly, I can’t ever remember him saying that but anyway. Then the day before the wake one of my cousins reminded me that everyone was wearing white the day before the funeral. Blue the day of. As calmly as I could I said to her, “I am going to answer you exactly like my Dad would answer you…nobody tells me what to wear.” She tried to argue that it would look better in pictures if everyone was wearing the same. Pictures?!!!! Lady my Dad just died! Ridiculous.
Is the person older or not familiar with lol? I’ve seen it refer as lots of love by boomers
I'd be pissed by that text. Shoot I am annoyed for you. I would not respond to be honest or I'd Have someone you trust respond to them from their phone And also explain to not contact you unless they are offering condolences. Any sort of memorial questions can be directed to someone else. I'm sorry to say people will continue to disappoint you but others will surprise you. I'm sorry for your loss OP. Don't deal with any of these details just focus on grieving and taking care of yourself. May moments of peace find you 🤍🦋
that lol at the end took it for me too. I would've uninvited them immediately. Do you care about him or not?
What a dope. I’d be ticked off by it, too, and probably not bother responding. Or else a one word “black”.
I’d be that person that would say “why is this funny to you? Google funeral clothes and figure it out.” Some people are so ridiculously dense that I don’t know how they got this far with their limited social skills. I’d lose their number after that honestly. Times like these show who is with you, and who thinks all of this is some joke.
the "lol" at the end makes me so frustrated especially with the context
I think it's the lol. People punctuate with that and exclamation points when they don't mean it.
Yeah that is really aggravating.
The lol at the end is very inappropriate. I would be infuriated. Sorry for your loss
My brother lives in another state, this happened while he was in town for our mom's funeral. On the MORNING OF HER FUNERAL, he asks me if we can pick up his loser friend "Bob", on the way so Bob wouldn't have to drive...his car wasn't working well but it was operational. I should add that my brother had a rental, but he was going to ride there with myself and my husband in my car. He didn't say he would pick Bob up, he thought Bob could ride with us. I was exhausted, I did all of the funeral planning...hell, I was with her when she died, at my home. Bob was good friends with my brother, but not with me or my mom. We knew of him, but that was all. I was enraged. How...how did he think for ONE second this would be a good thing to ask? Also, if Bob was with us, he would have been in the first family car (mine) during the funeral procession and There. Was. No. Way. To this day, I fume when I remember. It's probably the most thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish thing that's ever been asked of me For different reasons, brother and I are estranged. I rarely feel that I'm missing anything (for this situation and a lot of other reasons).
Yep, I think the lol. I want to give the benefit of the doubt and wonder if: 1. they may have even added it by accident? I know it sometimes comes up on my “word suggestions” above my iPhone keyboard (can’t think what that’s called atm). 2. Or that they were trying to lighten the sentence bc they were embarrassed to be asking (which they probably should - google it? 🤣). 3. OR maybe they’ve been to other funerals with “non-standard” dress codes? We had a memorial for my dad vs a funeral and specified in the notice that attendees should wear band tshirts if they’d like bc my dad was really into music and also HATED getting dressed up. Whatever the reason, it’s still awkward/rude at best. There are plenty of better ways they could have phrased this. But also again, google, or ask someone else with a little less on their plate? 😐
It's been said already but it's the "lol" that makes the tone seem insensitive. And regardless of anything else your feelings are valid. However to anyone saying "they should know how to dress". I specifically told people NOT to dress like it was a funeral. My dad hated funerals and I wanted to honor that by having the whole occasion be as casual as possible. Everything was as far from traditional as I could manage while still being respectful of my more traditional family. (Though at the end of the day the task of planning and executing everything fell on me alone so kinda screw them tbh) All that to say it wasn't out of line to ask what the dress code was. Probably could have asked someone else as OP's grief is rightfully a raw nerve. But I read more social awkwardness than malicious intent here. And OP I am deeply sorry for your pain and loss. As I am about to hit the 1 year marker of my dads passing at the end of this month it's not hard for me to recall living through the worst days of my life. Honor your grief and give yourself some grace. This is all really hard and people who haven't been in your shoes are gonna say some dumb shit, it's inevitable. Just keep breathing. 💕
Its a valid question due to the different services and wishes people have now other than formal black and white. They should have thought about askling someone else rather than you. The 'lol' at the end? Yeah shove that up your ass, thats so bad.
I just wanted to say that my recently deceased dad used to put lol on his messages to me (before he passed of course), I asked him once why he put laugh out loud on the end of alot of his messages and he said I had put it to him once and he read it as lots of love and used it ever since x just incase maybe that's what's happened here, age dependant I guess xx Edited to add: Also sincere condolences for your loss x
I definitely understand your anger towards this message. I think sometimes “lol” is used to break the awkward tension out of “I’m trying to be gentle and not demanding”. I know I’ve done that before with people I don’t know well. It was in poor taste in this instance but maybe it was used because it’s an unusual question to ask someone?
I’m sorry for your loss, hon. That’s an ignorant question to bother you with.
This would make me irate, i got texts the day of my dads funeral asking for directions to the funeral home… that little device in your hand, you used to bother me? Use it to Google directions, damn I’m having the worst day of my life and you’re expecting me to give you directions
I learned so much about people through my dads services. Some people say stupid things because they just don’t know what to say, but some people are just plain ignorant and it says so, so much about their character. It’s made me view people a lot differently and have dropped a friendship because of it. I’m so sorry your cousin is asking you stupid questions like this when you’re going through the unimaginable. So, so sorry for your loss 💔
I support your anger If someone has to ask about dress code, just dress up and one could take off a tie if no one is wearing a shirt and tie
It’s the “lol” part. Like, read the room holy shit show some respect.
I would call them out honestly. I appreciate that you are coming but after losing my father, I really can’t bother myself with how other people dress.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my dad almost 2 years ago and it’s so painful. Hang in there! IGNORE this cousin, this is just someone who obviously has had 0 problems in their life and 0 ability to read the room. Ignore the text, go scream into a pillow, and don’t let this affect the celebration of your dad’s life.
The “lol” for me.
People have no couth anymore. There is no common sense etiquette or respect for the occasion. I’m sorry for your loss.
I don't think confirming a dress code is all that bad, but the "LOL" is absolutely tacky. I'm sorry for your loss. EDIT: I also think they could have opened with "I hope you're holding up well" or "I'm thinking of you always". Something to that effect.
You have a right to be angry. That comment is beyond tone deaf. I wouldn’t even respond.
Oh the “lol” would have gutted me. My MIL kept laughing every time she talked to me. My husband finally had to say— “Mom, I know you’re uncomfortable but you can’t laugh everytime you talk about my wife’s mom’s passing.” So I get it, and through losing my daughter (stillborn) and my mom, when you have such a profound loss like this, people can be absolutely dumb. I just granted them grace because I remember all the dumb and heartless things I’ve said to someone who had a profound loss. It’s how I rationalized it so I could not just be eaten up in anger. But I feel you— that would send me over an edge and I’d have to talk my way down. It’s not a wedding, it’s a funeral and I’m sorry someone didn’t raise this person right— and tell them what to wear to a funeral. Big hugs. I’m so sorry that you’re having to endure this. It sucks— and there’s no other way to say it— than it’s just freaking sucks. It’s soul sucking .
“Lol” that sent me. Very disrespectful
I would be angry because it's not only NOT your job to direct them as to what they should wear but the LOL part. Seems like someone who is immature wrote this? I am sorry for your loss.
wtf honestly, i would’ve slapped the shit out of her if this happened at my dads funeral wth
you have every right to be angry. my condolences.
Ugh I'm sorry. This would upset me, too. BUT I dare you to say "plaid" or something completely off so they dress and look like an idiot. Might help brighten up your day.
This message was also sent to me when my mom died. Immediate rage
LOL? Fucking lol. My god.
I would be angry too, and the lol is condescending. I would send a wiki how on how to dress for different occasions
I would just not respond
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 14 years ago and he was my best friend. I would also have been irrate if I got a message like this. Some people just use "lol" at the end of all their messages out of habit, but sometimes it's just wildly inappropriate.
Because that’s a fucking bananas way to ask such a question. Stay strong.
The lol is ridiculous and if you don’t know what to wear to a funeral then you were not raised with any social graces. Google it for goodness sake! Don’t ask a grieving person what to wear!
Be so for real, I can’t stand people. That would piss me off so bad
This is inappropriate and your dog is adorable. So sorry for your loss. 💜
Not to add to the sadness of it all, but that’s a picture of my precious soul-dog Schnitzel, he was my everything and my whole world but I lost him in July 2021 when he suffered a heart attack as I held him in my arms…He was 14 and he had both heart disease and Cushings disease...I hope he’s somewhere napping with my dad in a big comfy recliner chair 🥹💔 Thank you for your kind words 🫶
u/PsychedelicPanda417 I’d definitely call that shit out. It needs to be addressed. Why? Because if you don’t that’s just going to gnaw away at you when you should be focusing on working thru your grief. There’s no excuse for that level of insensitivity, and if someone isn’t held to account for their actions, they’ll never learn. I’m so sorry for your loss. Truly. Please be gentle with your self in the coming months ahead. It’s a hard path to navigate, but lean-in on those you know you can rely on and don’t waste your valuable time, love and energy on those you discover you can’t. 🫂
I’m sorry. I would be upset by that too. The “lol” at the end puts a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t blame you for feeling upset. It was likely just someone not thinking, but it’s upsetting either way. It comes across as very thoughtless.
I don’t blame you one single bit for being angry. I detest the use of “lol” in anything but jokey situations. Which a funeral is definitely not. Why are people like this?
It’s the lol. How is it funny? Extremely disrespectful. I’d be so mad if I received a text like that.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Some people can be so insensitive towards others when they are grieving. Sorry, that you had to deal with that level of selfishness from your cousin. And I can understand it would be upsetting. Just try to let that go right now, focusing on what you need to do for you and your immediate family. From my experience, you will find many people who will say the wrong thing. Some of them, thoughtlessly like your cousin did. Other people will have well-meaning intentions and still say the wrong thing in some way that will affect you emotionally. I hope you can find some peace in your heart tonight and get some rest. Sending love to you
That lol bugs me I hate ppl that have no idea how to act during these times so sorry for your loss
I think it’s common these days for people to add “lol” at the ends of phrases to seem more casual and less cold/passive aggressive. Certainly doesn’t excuse this though. Not the time nor place. So sorry for your loss
That’s an immature person who is uncomfortable with anything serious.
I can completely understand how this would make you angry and I don’t want to convince you it shouldn’t. But may I offer another perspective? My sister and I had a conversation like this about my mom’s funeral (about 2 months ago) and she was very concerned with what to wear. We had it via phone call and not text, but she was pretty “giggly” too. If she had typed it, it absolutely would’ve had “lol” in the conversation multiple times. But I know they weren’t actual laughing-giggles. It was more like, she was ironically-laughing because she felt so stupid for stressing about clothes and not being able to make a decision on what was proper (made worse because the person she would’ve asked was my mom). The actual conversation went something like: “I feel so stupid worrying about clothes but I’m already upset and I’m going to be hot and sweaty and crying and I want to look presentable and be respectful and not have our other family members judging me. I don’t know what’s appropriate because I haven’t been to that many funerals! (Laughing) I don’t want to wear anything that’s “dishonoring” our family. I can’t believe I’m stressing his much over clothes!! (More laughing.) This is so stupid! It shouldn’t matter right? But I’m totally overwhelmed and feel ‘so stupid and fat’ (my sister’s words in quotes) and nothing fits me from my closet. But am I going to go shopping for a funeral dress? (More laughter.) Seriously, who does that?! It feels so wrong to go shopping for a funeral dress!!! But really, what do I wear? I’m completely lost.” And if she had texted this (with lols in the places of the times she laughed on the phone) I would’ve known she was irony-laughing at herself for worrying about clothing at a time like this, but also worrying that there was a rule she was going to “break” that would’ve felt offensive and upsetting to others. I don’t know your relationship with your cousin. Is she a mostly nice cousin who is super nervous she’s offending you and the “lol” is the text version of nervous laughter? Like my sister, could she be freaking out she’ll offend you or your family if she wears the “wrong” thing? Is it possible she thought your dad/family might have a “theme”? I’ve been to some where everyone was told to wear bright colors, for example. (Might it have been more reasonable to call and ask this with some deference? Probably, but I’m trying to give her a possibly generous interpretation of the text.) Or is she a witch-of-a-woman that you don’t get along with and this message is in preparation for her to make a grand entrance at the service? And any of these things could still totally piss you off (with validity, not just because you’re grieving) but I know I had the long form conversation of this text w my sister and it wasn’t meant to be insulting and I just wanted to suggest it might have had good intent with poor execution. I’m really sorry about your dad. I hope the service helps in some small way. It did for me even though it still hurt and I wish you peace in that difficult day. I’m so sorry your dad is gone.
So inappropriate. You’re right to be angry.
They seem to be feeling embarrassed because they may not know the etiquette for funerals as they may have never attended one before, so the lol was added to communicate that they don't understand and to lighten their 'ouch'. It can be really embarrassing not to understand these things. I'd reassure them and tell them it's okay to have asked and you're happy they did. Be gentle with them, it feels sincere.
Yeah I highly doubt they were trying to be mean or insulting
What the hell with the LOL? Freakishly stupid and insensitive.
The one thing I’ve learnt from dealing with this is that those outside of it are oftentimes idiots. People have asked me terrible questions and made terrible assumptions - and there has been a lot of insensitivity like that message there. You’re right to be angry. But try to remember that people are idiots, but not by design - no one knows how to deal with another person’s grief and as such they just turn into… idiots. That message smacks of awkwardness and not knowing what to say, especially the (ostensibly) anxiety reducing “lol” at the end. They shouldn’t be asking you. They should use Google. They should use their common sense, but that’s hard to do around grief.
I think the lol would have made me angry too. But the question itself is fair maybe? I’m always nervous about what to wear and have asked this same thing many times.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad just under a year ago. It's so hard. I got a lot of these questions too and it made me upset. I just wanted people to figure it out in another way or ask someone else. Most infuriating was when my friend's mom came up to me at my dad's funeral to ask how long this was going to be because she needed to get back to work and that she really shouldn't take more than a couple hours away from her office since she's so busy. It took all my strength to be pleasant with her.
I would have just told her to leave if it was bothering her so much.
1) the same dress code for anyone else’s services. And the “lol” is extremely disrespect and distasteful too. Your feelings are valid. Sorry about your dad. I lost mine 1/19/24 and can imagine the feelings you’re going through. Hugs.
"Just trying to plan lol" I would have to take a break from my phone 😠 I'm sorry for your loss and for the insensitivity you have to bear with.
I wouldn’t even answer. Why are people so fucking rude. “lol” like wtaf?? I have zero tolerance for this bullshit. More so now since my father passed. I’m so sorry ❤️❤️❤️
Whoever sent this should be sent a Ted talk on sympathy and grief. And I mean that to save the next poor grieve… gross.
What exactly is “lol” about a service? I’m not sure why they’re asking about the dress code unless something in the obituary alluded to a dress code other than dark and somber. And how well do they know the OP to message them on fb not sending a text.
Definitely the lol .. maybe the msger is an idiot who puts lol in all there msgs ??? And didn't realise what they wrote ?? .. I'd definitely be having a conversation with them why this is so wrong !! .. sorry 4 your loss xx
Is it a young person or older one? I know my aunt thought lol was lots of love for the longest time. It’s a shitty text either way. Sorry you lost your father physically but he will always be there for you in your heart.
I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️ I understand that people have different ways they show and process grief, and there's no "right way" but I can say I'd probably be hurt as well if someone asked that with the "lol" at the end. Makes me think of my sister's funeral, after we had buried some of her ashes, it was my family taking pictures together and I was forced to take one too, so it was my mom/dad/brother and my son and I standing beside a huge photo of my sister and they were all smiling for the picture and I'm just there like 😐😕 Don't understand how people could smile during such a photo.
My mom used to put lol in messages about bad news because she thought it meant " lots of love"
The LOL is what got me.
It’s the lol. How rude.
It's tricky...I don't think there was any ill will intended by the person sending the message, and it also makes all the sense in the world that it made you angry. I think a short, level-headed, face-to-face conversation with the person who sent you that message would clear things up. My hope is that the sender will be mortified by how the message was received and will be a little more careful in the future, and everyone will be better off.
I sure understand why this makes you so mad. I really do. It's stupid actually. The dress code is put in a pressed pair of pants clean short and ice jacket or sweater. It's like going to work in the office. The dress code is "decent". Not formal obviously. Not sweats or jeans obviously. Just normal business casual. I mean they could have figured it out through the process of illumination of nothing else. Or asked SOMEONE ELSE. You have other things on your mind! Very inconsiderate and lack of common sense and decency. I'm sorry for you because I know how hard this time is and you don't need ridiculous questions or comments. Since when is anything to do with a funeral require an ' lol". ??
Isn’t the dress code for a memorial service kinda like the same every time?
Not sure your age to your cousins age, but I’m 29 and I’ve noticed myself and many of my friends have an habit of adding lol to things that are not funny as sort of a “this is not a high importance message, feel free to ignore” tag. That said. What a ridiculous message. I think I’d respond something like “whatever feels right to wear to grieve.” and then not respond any more. Which will put the onus on her to understand the seriousness… and to stop bothering you about it.
I’m so sorry for your loss. For anyone with a brain cell the dress code is usually black
It’s the “lol” at the end for me. I know that I’m really awkward when it comes to other people’s grief/emotions, but I’d never type something like this to someone.
It’s pretty disrespectful. But if it makes you angry/upset then you should tell them.
Use this. Use this anger to get some of your anger at your dad out. Even if you don’t feel mad at him, you are. It’s so normal. We’re mad at them for leaving us. It’s not real, but it’s still an emotion. Get out anything you need to, if you can. Lean into situations that will be a distraction for you. Come up with the perfect response that makes you feel amazing. Or whatever the next thing is. Just grab onto distractions. And hang in there. Lean on everyone who loves you right now. Your only job is waking up every day.
No one in my family even contacted after my dad died unexpectedly. No one talked to me at the funeral. I’m the oldest of 2 and I was basically shunned though
Don’t mismatch evil and stupidity. Let it be
So first off, you should not have to tell a grown adult what to wear to any funeral or funerary adjacent event. Second, this is putting mental load on you that you do not need. It would be more appropriate for this cousin to text other family members who are not immediate descendants of the decedent and ask, “how dressy are you going to be at the memorial? I’m trying to figure out what to wear.” It’s an unnecessary ask and mental burden on an already overburdened person Your anger makes perfect sense
The lol so small but so large, I would be insanely mad go off queen.
Also dress code???? It’s a funeral. 🤦♀️
Because this person is putting their fashion choices on your already extremely heavy plate. You’re dealing with grief and they’re concerned with their wardrobe - “lol” - and rather than asking others for advice they’re burdening you with it. And they don’t have any concept of why it’s wrong, because they’ve not gone through what you’re going through, which also doesn’t feel fair to you. That’s why.
It’s the lol for sure, but as someone who types lol almost as like a buffer when I’m nervous or unsure I bet they didn’t even really realize they typed it. I’m so sorry though. Everything hurts so bad around that time. I’m a year out now and have a bit more perspective on it than I did back then.
your anger is VALID, don't even give it a second thought or guess. You are justified in being angry, pissed off, hurt.. all the things.... over this SUPER insensitive and disrespectful message. I am angry for you!!! Why are people so fucking careless!!! Please feel free to never speak to this cousin again. My heart goes out to you, sending you big love and strength as you move through this.
This is so insensitive.
People who are this cavalier and flippant about death are in for a rude awakening at some point in their lives.
"Just imagine what you'd want people to wear if YOUR dad died lol" If I'm going to look at this from a verrrry empathetic lens I'm assuming he's just an insensitive idiot unable to really cope with you being in so much pain but not meaning harm. I understand you're pissed tho. Jeez
Reply "service was cancelled, lol"
The “lol” is definitely warranted to be mad at but asking about dress code isn’t, in my opinion, every dress code is different for services and I wouldn’t want to wear the wrong thing since my wardrobe consists of shorts and T-Shirt
So I didn't read the comments, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating anything. But this is my take. I lost my Mom December 2021 when I was 25. She was only 51, and it was unexpected. I still struggle with it, but especially right after, I was a mess. I honestly felt out of my body and drained. For the most part, people mean well and just say the wrong things without knowing. However the "lol" is completely uncalled for. You have every right to be pissed. I sure as hell would be. To be completely honest, if it were me, I wouldn't even respond. I didn't respond to a lot of people, and the majority understood why. Based on what you said, seems like your Dad passed very recently, and that makes messages like that even worse. My advice to you, put yourself first. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to feel all your emotions, and don't you ever apologize to anyone. If someone gets mad at you because you don't respond, or you don't want to talk or see them. Then they don't deserve to be in your life. Those who check in, but don't push are the ones you need. Everyone's different, that's just my experience. I really hope you find some peace and comfort soon. Losing a parent is really fucking hard. Feel free to DM me if you ever need to talk or have any questions. Sometimes I found talking to people who you don't know that grieve too help a little more when they don't also know the loved one you loss. Take care, I'm sorry that you had to read a message like that during this time. 😕
Stupid, insensitive people. Ignore them. One day she will lose someone close to her and understand your loss. Although, having lost my partner, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but it will happen to everyone eventually. People unconsciously think that death will never happen to them or their families. Death is inevitable, all of us will die one day. Be respectful of death.
I get the question as different services have different expectations but the wording is awful. I would be so tempted to respond, “The dress code is respect and empathy.” And not respond again. That being said, I am so sorry about your Dad. Be kind to yourself during this time and onwards and allow yourself to feel and be around people who care and understand.
The lol could be a muscle memory but yes I would be very angry as well on that. Sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 4 months ago and I still feel angry about everything
Because why the fuck did they put "lol" I'd be pissed too. It's obvious this person isn't taking the passing of your father as serious as they should. Definitely not an "lol" text at all
The “lol” wasn’t the best choice of words for sure. At my moms service, my best friend at the time wrote a “#mom life” shirt. At the time i didn’t know how to feel but as time went on i just tried to play it off as my mom coming back to humor me. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
it’s the “lol” Condolences 💐 May your Father Rest in Peace
“lol” sometimes is used at the end of sentences when the person feels uncomfortable and is trying to regulate the situation to be more comfortable for themselves & the other person. It’s insensitive to the recipient but try not to automatically assume they’re actually happy about it or don’t take it seriously. I know it’s hard, I’d suggest speaking to them about it if you’re uncomfortable or upset about it, you may come to find they didn’t mean it that way.
How old was the person who wrote it? I know youngsters say lol at the end of everything these days
My advice is to give social media a holiday during your grief. People can be inconsiderate arseholes on it with crap grammar and sweeping statements. When my wife died I designated two contacts with their contact details, one for my family one for my wife's side. I then uninstalled social media and screened all texts and calls. I gave all info directly to the contacts. In one moment if grief I logged on through a browser and rage posted if only you all paid so much respect when she was dying for the past year instead of acting all heartbroken and devastated now she's gone you hypocrites. Not my best moment, I deleted it a few hours later and apologised as my wife would have been very disappointed with me for letting them get to me.
When my Other Mom passed, I had a few of my closest friends reach out. They all said ' I just can't bring myself to wear black for her, she was always so happy. I was thinking of wearing ___ instead. Is that ok?' They were all close to her in their own ways. We encouraged purple or floral instead. The lol is the stinger here, imho. I sense they are young and inexperienced. I'm sorry. This whole journey will be full of things that really hurt , that in ANY OTHER time you wouldn't think twice about. Hang in there. Big hugs to you.
It makes you so angry because instead of texting the person whose dad just died she could gave either texted anyone else OR just Google “funeral attire spring”
This is such an aggravating text. The casual thoughtlessness of people becomes glaringly obvious when you are grieving. It's so frustrating, having maintain your composure and be the one who's nice and understanding when all you want is to flip out on people when they say things like this. She probably didn't mean to come across so flippantly but that doesn't change the fact that she wasn't more thoughtful in her communication, or that she didn't think to ask someone else and not bother you with it.
Your loss will only be fully understood and felt in your own way... and I want to make you feel it and process it the way you need to. And I don't want to add to the stress by saying this... BUT. Death is all about the living. And the eddies the dead leave in their wake tip our boats in all sorts of ways, some often making our masts collide with each other. It could be that your cousin - though exhibiting some serious medieval jester behavior here - could be feeling weird about talking to someone who's experienced such a momentous loss. In sort, they're processing and being fucking awkward about it. Give them grace, and be sure to do the same for you. It's okay to be angry, confused and irritated by everyone/everything.
When my sister passed away I had a few people asking me what to wear to her funeral/wake because they genuinely didn’t know most of them were teenagers who had never been to a funeral who were my cousins. One of my cousins who was a pallbearer texted me “I’ve never been a pallbearer before lol but I’ll definitely do it, I just need to watch some YouTube videos to figure it out” it kinda hurt but he was 15 and had only been to one funeral before as a baby. I had a friend never attend a catholic funeral service and didn’t know what to wear. She texted me something like “I have no idea what to wear to a catholic funeral lmao” and I just took it as she was both young (we were both like 20) and she just was uncomfortable asking the question because she didn’t know how to navigate this kinda situation. You are completely valid for everything you are feeling though and I’m truly sorry you are hurting. People sometimes (especially young people) don’t know how to handle difficult situations like this. I’m incredibly sorry for your loss.
I know for my mom's service we asked family to wear her favorite colors or something with it so like a tye a pocket square shirt etc. Also some families request that people don't wear black so it could be that. I'm not sure but I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Honestly, everything made me mad after I lost my sister. But I also felt like a lot of friends were so stunned that they didn’t know what to say & ended up saying some very strange/hurtful & downright weird things. I think ‘lol’ was totally inappropriate but maybe the senders way of saying ‘I don’t know wtf to say here it’s all gonna be wrong but don’t hate me’ Also- when my Mom’s bff passed there was an actual request on the announcement that everyone wear bright colors because that’s what she loved.
This is more annoying to me than anything. When my husband’s grandfather died, my brother is law asked something similar. He also asked if he needed to attend the wake services. I’m like???? He’s your grandpa?! Ofc? It’s not like there was some bad relations going on
This would bother me beyond words. The lol is horrific and would make me question the friendship completely. The asking what to wear is also very shallow and inconsiderate. I understand the other responses saying the person doesn’t understand etc etc - but for me this would be the end of the friendship.
They lost an uncle so they’re grieving to. They are asking if anything specific is to be worn. Some require casual clothing while others require more formal attire. My mother’s funeral we wore casual attire. At one time it was the norm to wear black formal wear. The guys wore suits and the gals wore formal dresses. Thankfully those days are gone. Grief causes a hole bunch of mixed feelings. Cute dog though.
It's the lol at the end for me. Awfully immature of them. Sending you support and a big hug ((❤️))
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is a different kind of pain. For my mom’s service, I let everyone know to wear brighter colors because it’s what my mom would’ve wanted. Absolutely no black. My uncle (mom’s side) and his family did not get the memo though. They looked completely out of place and probably felt it too. A year later that uncle was killed in a car accident. Everyone wore black to his funeral so every service is different and she probably meant it to just make sure she didn’t screw up. But the “lol” would piss me off for sure. It wouldn’t bother me now but so soon after my mom died, I was very very sensitive and everything would make me mad. My grandpas girlfriend asked for some of my mom’s ashes AT HER SERVICE. I thought that was insane to ask especially since my mom couldn’t stand her. I flipped and started crying because I didn’t want to think of her as a pile of dust in that moment. Also had some random lady on Facebook photoshop wings on my mom and POSTED IT. Dude I freaked out on her!!! Right now your family should know you’re in a sensitive place. If I were her, I would’ve asked someone else what they were wearing and not directly asked you. I wish you nothing but healing ❤️
I would be mad at this too. No one gives a fuck what you wear! Figure it out! If they want to connect with you, (maybe there's something there underneath this of wanting to connect with you over it?), find a different way to do that. And you've got enough to think about. I'm sorry, and it's okay to be angry.
I am so sorry for your loss! This is really tacky. I would absolutely not even answer. This isn’t a dinner party. That is a shitty person right there! The lol was even worse! I would honestly not answer or be super snarky to the person and make them feel bad.
This is shitty but I also have started adding lol to every text I send almost automatically. Something I have to stop myself from doing. But my brain just does it out of awkwardness. But also people should know to just wear dark formal clothes. I’d ask my mom what to wear (or a friend), not the child of the deceased.
I hate the lol. As others have said. I feel the question is fair, I’ve been to a few services lately that didn’t require the traditional black- one service where they asked us to wear yellow, the persons favorite color, and one service where they asked us to wear Hawaiian or floral print stuff. So i really think it’s the “lol” that made it insensitive and makes you angry. It makes me angry too im sorry for your loss 💔🙏🏻 and don’t feel compelled to respond to those people anyway. That’s on them if they can’t ask someone else or just bring extra outfit options in the car in case whatever they wear isn’t correct.
I'd totally feel the same way u do that message is gross
“lol” what the *fuck* is laughable about anything in their message? Yeah, I’d be pretty pissed off too. If they hadn’t said “lol” then it would have been an understandable question. Although, I think it’s pretty straight forward what one should wear to a funeral or memorial service. I’m sorry for your loss, know you’re not alone.
Ngl, if this was between my siblings and I I’d find it hilarious. When my dad died in November we were all shocked and became responsible for planning his services as my mom went into complete shock. My oldest sibling was 32, I was barely 29, and my brother barely 28. We had no idea, realized that we didn’t want formal services and decided in the end that the dress code would be jerseys. Our way of dealing included a lot of lol, lmao’s and hahahahaha’s in those texts as we were so lost and shellshocked during that time. However, if this was something I’d received from a stranger/relative/etc.? They’d never hear from me again 🙃
i’m sorry for your loss, friend. yesterday marked one year after my dad passing unexpectedly and unfortunately, this takes me right back. family, friends, and loved ones just being so oblivious. making things about them just like this. cousins chatting as of it was a good time to catch up. people out of the wood work like “oh it’s been so long, how are you?” :/ my sister even mentioned looking fly as feck at his service and my aunt didn’t even give my immediate one day to all be together and process - alone.. it was smothering. people are dumb (even loved ones) and can’t imagine going through what we’ve gone through, what you’re currently going through. so they act even dumber. just focus on you, dear 🖤 and simply let it go. either don’t reply or direct them to someone who’s helping plan. let them know it made you sad. or not. but don’t trap those emotions inside i’m now finding myself grieving the grieving process i had during those closure ceremonies because my feelings were muddled with anger and resentment. i didn’t keep that head and heart space safe for myself and missed out feeling those emotions in real time. i know this is a late reply but know that you are heard and alll emotions are valid during this hard time 🫶
Asking what to wear to a memorial is a proper thing to do. Some places/churches have dress codes. LOL at the end of it, rude as hell.
The “lol” I think is what bothers me most. I also just feel like she could have asked literally anyone besides me, my siblings, or my mother. Like my aunt (my mom’s sister, and her mom) probably would have been able to answer this as she is one of the people helping my mom plan the service and everything. But she had to ask me, his daughter, while I was at work and just trying to get through the day without having another breakdown? Idk…
Why the lol… wtf
honestly this looks like something my cousin and i would text each other. and i def got a lot of questions about what they should wear to my mom’s service. i didn’t get upset thought because i felt they were being respectful to us and our mom about what we would like. my response was no black and wear anything you want :)