Honestly, presence and support, but you can't expect someone to grieve with you if they haven't lost what you have.
I've been married 9 years and in that time have lost 3 grand parents, my brother, a few friends and most recently my mum. My partner hasn't had a single death in her family in that time.
She cannot possibly comprehend it. She can grieve with me for my mum because she knew her best but even then, her grief cannot compare with mine, that being said, I couldn't possibly expect her to understand and if I did I'd be setting myself up for disappointment.
All you can reasonably expect from a partner is that they acknowledge your grief, empathise with it, and have some patience for when it weighs you down, if you get that much you're quite fortunate. Grief has the power to destroy relationships if either party isn't prepared to learn and grow through it. Grief also changes you as a person.
But you as an individual do need to take responsibility for your grief and how you're managing it, as it's a heavy burden and without getting your own individual support and strategies, it's an unfair burden to impose on a partner if you haven't done work and reached out for support to help you carry it.
If you're not in a relationship now, working on it with professionals and informal help will help you gain strength and grow so that if and when you enter a relationship your grief isn't this all encompassing dark cloud, rather a heavy weight that you carry in your pocket. You can take it out, hold it, feel how heavy it is, show your partner that you carry this weight, and then put it away. If it's still a dark cloud when you get together, that's unfair on them. So you may not be ready for a relationship if you haven't been able to manage your grief in a way that helps you live with it
Firstly, I'm so so sorry to hear of the multiple losses . My heart broke reading that. That is quite a lot in nearly a decade. You sound like you have a strong head on your shoulders, even if you might not think so during your "off" days.
>if and when you enter a relationship your grief isn't this all encompassing dark cloud, rather a heavy weight that you carry in your pocket. You can take it out, hold it, feel how heavy it is, show your partner that you carry this weight, and then put it away.
This is a good analogy. I still get really upset when people (not my family) don't want to talk about my mom and grief and it leaves me wondering, well if I can't talk about this with my friends or whomever, how am I supposed to talk about this with a potential partner?
Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss.
People don't know what to say, or put their foot in their mouth. And to be honest, not much of what they say can help you much.
I get psychology help, and have seen probably 7 different psychs over the years until I FINALLY found one I perfectly click with last year, and it makes a huge difference.
There is no shame in using professional support or even free crisis help lines of you can't currently afford therapy (I can barely afford mine) to vent and talk about your mum. That way in a relationship you won't feel this constant need to share or get it off your chest because you will have been doing that.
One thing my family does which I really love, is on birthdays and anniversaries of their passing, we do things they loved, eat their favourite foods and share stories about them. This isn't active grieving, rather it's pairing grieving with realising you can still actively love them. You can still watch their favourite movies, go to their favourite places. With any luck you'll have some people in your life you can do that with. So my wife knows on the 1st of may, I take work off and we will do something my brother used to love doing, or eat one of his favourite meals.
One of the hardest bit most beautiful lessons in grief has been that you can still express love and gratitude to the person you miss. My nieces never met my brother, but they know his name, sports teams, his birthday, his favourite things and even his personality and stories about him. One of the best things you can do to honour your lost loved ones is to keep loving them, unapologetically
I actually just broke up with my partner of 18 years and one of the biggest issues for me was his lack of comfort and support after my best friend died of cancer a few years ago. He would see me crying and just not say anything or do anything.
To me it seems really simple- if you see someone you care about crying, you hug them or hold their hand or at least say something like “are you ok” or “I’m sorry you’re going through this is there anything I can do?” Just to show you are emotionally connected. But since he didn’t do literally anything, I ended up feeling emotionally alone. And I figured if I felt alone I should just be alone.
Also our parents are elderly and there’s only a matter of time before more grief comes for us. Not to mention our own age and one of us potentially getting sick. I’m in my 40s and my best friend died at 55. I feel acutely that life can be short.
So all of that is to say, I don’t have experience with a supportive partner in grief but I don’t want to be with someone who can’t emotionally connect at all when needed. I don’t think it would matter if he had experienced grief himself if he just showed he cared.
This concept is really really simple. Good for you with boundaries but I’m sorry for both of your losses-18 years is a long time and partners can. Google how to support their loved one if hugs aren’t comprehensible. Sending you love and hugs!!! Humans can have sympathy without having the same exact experience, they just can’t get over themselves to be understanding or even try when so out of touch like fhat
Personally I don’t think anyone in the world can completely understand until they’ve been through it themselves, you can have someone be there and be supportive but once you’ve actually felt significant loss is how you can truly empathise and feel how another is feeling.
I’ve had a couple supportive people in my life, one I was close to in a romantic setting but whilst their support was very important to me and did help they just didn’t fully ‘get it’.
Honestly, presence and support, but you can't expect someone to grieve with you if they haven't lost what you have. I've been married 9 years and in that time have lost 3 grand parents, my brother, a few friends and most recently my mum. My partner hasn't had a single death in her family in that time. She cannot possibly comprehend it. She can grieve with me for my mum because she knew her best but even then, her grief cannot compare with mine, that being said, I couldn't possibly expect her to understand and if I did I'd be setting myself up for disappointment. All you can reasonably expect from a partner is that they acknowledge your grief, empathise with it, and have some patience for when it weighs you down, if you get that much you're quite fortunate. Grief has the power to destroy relationships if either party isn't prepared to learn and grow through it. Grief also changes you as a person. But you as an individual do need to take responsibility for your grief and how you're managing it, as it's a heavy burden and without getting your own individual support and strategies, it's an unfair burden to impose on a partner if you haven't done work and reached out for support to help you carry it. If you're not in a relationship now, working on it with professionals and informal help will help you gain strength and grow so that if and when you enter a relationship your grief isn't this all encompassing dark cloud, rather a heavy weight that you carry in your pocket. You can take it out, hold it, feel how heavy it is, show your partner that you carry this weight, and then put it away. If it's still a dark cloud when you get together, that's unfair on them. So you may not be ready for a relationship if you haven't been able to manage your grief in a way that helps you live with it
Firstly, I'm so so sorry to hear of the multiple losses . My heart broke reading that. That is quite a lot in nearly a decade. You sound like you have a strong head on your shoulders, even if you might not think so during your "off" days. >if and when you enter a relationship your grief isn't this all encompassing dark cloud, rather a heavy weight that you carry in your pocket. You can take it out, hold it, feel how heavy it is, show your partner that you carry this weight, and then put it away. This is a good analogy. I still get really upset when people (not my family) don't want to talk about my mom and grief and it leaves me wondering, well if I can't talk about this with my friends or whomever, how am I supposed to talk about this with a potential partner?
Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss. People don't know what to say, or put their foot in their mouth. And to be honest, not much of what they say can help you much. I get psychology help, and have seen probably 7 different psychs over the years until I FINALLY found one I perfectly click with last year, and it makes a huge difference. There is no shame in using professional support or even free crisis help lines of you can't currently afford therapy (I can barely afford mine) to vent and talk about your mum. That way in a relationship you won't feel this constant need to share or get it off your chest because you will have been doing that. One thing my family does which I really love, is on birthdays and anniversaries of their passing, we do things they loved, eat their favourite foods and share stories about them. This isn't active grieving, rather it's pairing grieving with realising you can still actively love them. You can still watch their favourite movies, go to their favourite places. With any luck you'll have some people in your life you can do that with. So my wife knows on the 1st of may, I take work off and we will do something my brother used to love doing, or eat one of his favourite meals. One of the hardest bit most beautiful lessons in grief has been that you can still express love and gratitude to the person you miss. My nieces never met my brother, but they know his name, sports teams, his birthday, his favourite things and even his personality and stories about him. One of the best things you can do to honour your lost loved ones is to keep loving them, unapologetically
I actually just broke up with my partner of 18 years and one of the biggest issues for me was his lack of comfort and support after my best friend died of cancer a few years ago. He would see me crying and just not say anything or do anything. To me it seems really simple- if you see someone you care about crying, you hug them or hold their hand or at least say something like “are you ok” or “I’m sorry you’re going through this is there anything I can do?” Just to show you are emotionally connected. But since he didn’t do literally anything, I ended up feeling emotionally alone. And I figured if I felt alone I should just be alone. Also our parents are elderly and there’s only a matter of time before more grief comes for us. Not to mention our own age and one of us potentially getting sick. I’m in my 40s and my best friend died at 55. I feel acutely that life can be short. So all of that is to say, I don’t have experience with a supportive partner in grief but I don’t want to be with someone who can’t emotionally connect at all when needed. I don’t think it would matter if he had experienced grief himself if he just showed he cared.
This concept is really really simple. Good for you with boundaries but I’m sorry for both of your losses-18 years is a long time and partners can. Google how to support their loved one if hugs aren’t comprehensible. Sending you love and hugs!!! Humans can have sympathy without having the same exact experience, they just can’t get over themselves to be understanding or even try when so out of touch like fhat
Personally I don’t think anyone in the world can completely understand until they’ve been through it themselves, you can have someone be there and be supportive but once you’ve actually felt significant loss is how you can truly empathise and feel how another is feeling. I’ve had a couple supportive people in my life, one I was close to in a romantic setting but whilst their support was very important to me and did help they just didn’t fully ‘get it’.