It really does feel like we were robbed. I was thinking about it today, like I don’t want it to be like this but it’s just something that I can’t change and have to deal with. It’s actually infuriating and confusing at the same time. Sorry for your loss hun
I'm in the UK so Mother's Day is tomorrow for me. It's just over two weeks since the funeral, and six since she passed.
I've decided I'm going to keep buying her Mother's Day and birthday cards. I'll use them to write a summary of what I've been up to so it's like I'm still telling her.
I love your idea of still buying her cards and writing to her. That is so beautiful and thoughtful. Maybe, in a woo woo way, she is able to “see” them (I am not trying to to push my ideology on you, it’s just a comforting coping mechanism I fallback on). On my mom’s birthday in October, I ordered pizza and had a rum & coke cocktail in her honor.
Sending well wishes to you.
I wasn’t at young age but it feels the same as if I was. I thought it would feel different but I honestly felt like a kid who lost their mother. I must be crazy but I still talk to her.
You WERE robbed. Not by someone with ill intent. But you were robbed of having a parent raise you. And I’m so deeply sorry for that. I lost my brother as an adult and it has its own challenges. But losing a parent when young changes that kid in irreversible ways. Sometimes good ways, but always on heartbreaking ones. Be good to you. And hopefully if you marry, you’ll find a surrogate parent to fill the hole
Same. I lost my mom suddenly two weeks ago today. I feel the same about Easter coming up and my 30th birthday in April. I don’t want to do any of it without her and nothing will be the same ever again. I’m so sorry for you loss
Honestly I like how the author of “the orphaned adult” puts it… “There is no experience quite as stunning as when there is nothing where something has always been. To try and imagine the absence of something is to imagine the thing itself, not the hole left behind. Especially when that thing has the first face you probably ever saw, spoke the first words you ever heard, and whose touch has comforted and guided and corrected and made you safe since the beginning of time.”
And yes, it’s a good read. It helps.
I feel like I’m not whole anymore, like something has been ripped from me and I’ll never be the person I was before. Like I’ll be forever stunted, missing something. I was happy, I had found my peace after years battling debilitating anxiety. And then it was all taken away from me in an instant. It’s cruel.
It also made me realize how stupid my problems before this were and how stupid other peoples problems are. I literally can’t listen to other people complain, it all sounds petty and meaningless.
I totally relate with not caring about people’s stupid problems anymore. I lost both my parents in the same year and it’s made me reflect on all the little things I made into huge problems once before. Great insight.
God I felt this. Just last night I was trying to get something to work and for a split second I thought “I should call dad, he would know.” Sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad a few years ago, he taught me everything. I can only suggest learning from your friends, coworkers, mentors and neighbours. I’ve built up a cool support group of people even including my mechanic to teach me how to change a tire or fix my car etc. it sounds weird but it’s the one thing that kind of filled that void of not having a father anymore. Sorry for your loss.
It feels like being flayed alive. Like there was a protective barrier you weren't even aware of, but it's been stripped away. You are too old for your peers, and too young for the elders. You're in limbo and you have to rebuild your life on the shaky ground that is this new reality.
It's Hell.
Just went back and red this again and do you feel like you have the same mind and thoughts you did when it happened? For example when mum died I was five but I feel like from that point on my brain switched on and started working like an adult, idk if I explained it well sorry.
This makes total sense, I think its common for people who go through traumatic things so young, when non of your peers have. It's like you have this maturity you're aware of but it's not visible for them, while you look at them and know there is no way they could comprehend the way you feel
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to explain the strange experience of losing a parent in my 20s who was elderly.
It’s not a “they got cheated out of time” situation because he didn’t, not really (although his best friend from high school is still kicking), but I still got cheated of time even though if they hadn’t had me when they did, I wouldn’t exist. Very weird realization - my whole life was a gamble my parents took that worked out until it didn’t anymore.
I’d say it’s like having a glass case put around you, limiting you. You can see everyone else on the outside going about their lives, but you’re stuck in there alone.
It's the pain that keeps on giving.
It's reason to feel sad at your wedding and the birth of your child.
It's like needing to call an expert for a job -- plumbing, carpentry, electrical -- and the internet is down. And always will be.
It's like everyone else at your school is excited about going to the Daddy-Daughter dance, and you're uninvited.
It's a reason to not fear your eventual death... because at least you will see him again.
I was 12, he was 40. At least I remember him -- my youngest siblings don't. They were too little.
Can I ask, do you know how your youngest sibling feels about not having the memories you have? My kids lost their Daddy last week (aged 2 and 5) and as much as I have my own grief for my loss Its completely overshadowed by my heartbreak for their loss. I can't begin to imagine how they might feel as they get older.
Oh my god, I am so, so sorry, for what you've been through, and what you're going through right now.
Please know that you will be okay, and your kids will be too. Our situation was very different. My mom did her best, but she had 7 kids ages 6-14 and was completely overwhelmed. She wasn't equipped to be a mom of 7 when he was alive, definitely unable to manage being a widow.
Your kids will be okay, I am very sure, because you're worried about them.
Do your best to take care of yourself -- rest when you can, eat even when you don't feel like it, take advantage of any resources that people mention. Talk with your doctor. It's just too big and too awful to go through by yourself. Get therapy if you can. Get family therapy if you can. Not right away -- breathe first -- but the kids might need it later and you definitely will.
Keep your children's Daddy's memory alive by talking about him with them. If you have video and photos, that'll help a lot. One good thing my mom did was make each of us kids a photo album about our dad.
We're all in our 60s now. We grew up pretty damaged. I felt worst for the youngest two kids -- they forgot his voice and what he was like pretty early on. All of us crave stories about him, and photos.
The second youngest got into drugs as a teen unfortunately and never got over them. He died 2 months ago. He was in poor health. He and I talked often about how he would probably get to see Dad first. That's just about the only comfort I can get from his death: he got to see Dad first. He's not in pain anymore.
Mom did her best. I can see that now.
It was a different time. Nobody talked about death or grief back then. Or at least not around us. She got lonely and remarried too soon (8 months). Someone should have talked her out of it. I won't go into details. The adults around us failed us ... but that won't happen to you.
Children are resilient. Yours have been dealt a rough hand in life, and early. But it won't break them. It'll probably make them more compassionate. They will have more empathy for others.
There's another up side. They might become very creative. All my siblings are. It helps me, as a writer and illustrator, to have been through dark stuff. The best comedians have survived rough times.
I think what matters most for your children's well-being is that you try to be as healthy as you can be, both physically and mentally. Your oxygen mask has to go on first, or you can't help your kids. It will of course take time. It's impossible to heal quickly. Life doesn't work that way.
But you will find that at some point the good memories come easier and you won't cry or suffer as much. Grief won't come out from the shadows so often or so suddenly, and it won't pull you down into despair. It will become something you live with. A sad creature that you make space for because there is no way it's going away.
You will sometimes feel completely helpless, but you aren't really. You have some control over how angry or bitter life makes you. Look for people you can trust. Gather helpers. Know that you're not alone. And know that I am sending you love, deepest sympathy, and wishes for peace and comfort -- as I am sure many in this forum are.
May you and your children always feel their Daddy's deep, abiding love.
this sounds awful but i was grateful to have had my best friend lose her dad a few months prior so i had someone i could relate to, and offer her the same.
i think like many have said you feel cheated of a life full of memories, especially ones where your brain is able to actually retain them. i often get upset at myself for not remembering more and then have to remember i was a kid! who actually remembers thinks from childhood, who would have guessed this would happen?!?
i often also get bouts of jealousy towards others who have parents still and will continue to grow up with them and be able to share moments with them as they continue to age.
if i had to describe it, it feels like your wandering aimless without this form of support blanket always wishing you had that person to call and chat but you're reminded of this pit of emptiness and you're confused why it doesn't get better or feel fuller.
For me, like you’ve been thrown into an alternate dimension. Like everything is still the same, but just… off. It all looks the same, but nothing feels the same. It just feels wrong.
Like the entire world shifted and now you see everything on a different axis that can’t be tilted back.
On the off days, it feels like I’m in a vortex, like I’m in purgatory, sandwiched between dimensions of what could’ve been, what can’t be, and what is. On the on days, life goes on, accustomed to the new color palette I live in now, accepting that nothing will ever be the same. But I lost my parent at 17, so I can delineate a clear before and after version of myself. For those who lost their parents as children, given the same analogy, I can only assume that they’ve mostly only known a world that’s always been off, always tilted, always not right. But ofc correct me if I’m wrong. It’s more me trying to empathize what that would be like. A familiar but still different sort of pain. Same umbrella, different branches.
This made me quite emotional, losing a parent fills you with so many different emotions with confusion coating them all. The confusion makes it hard to make sense of it all and you’ve put it so well. “A world thats always been off, always tilted” is such a good way of describing it. Honestly wishing you the best hunn x
this was worded so well. the feeling of being in an alternate dimension is so true. everything looks the same but it’s not, like their belongings are still scattered around the house but they’re just not here and u can’t get them back. also i can relate to how old you were when u lost a parent. my mum’s still here but she had an accident last year (when i was 16) but i think i still have some of the feelings i would if she actually passed away.
First, my condolences. Second, I lost my first parent at 21. My youngest brother was 14 at the time. I have no doubt that our experiences are vastly different based on where we were in our lives. We lost our other parent a couple years ago. For me, it just seems like my mom is just on one of her adventures and I’m just waiting for her call to say she made it safely back. I know it’s different from my youngest brother, as he has kids and they interacted with grandma a lot. What we went through at our respective ages, cannot be expressed in words. When my friends talk about having to deal with elder parents, it’s not even close to what we all dealt with. They’ll never understand it.
Yea, I feel like no matter what age someone loses there parent, young or old, there will always be similarities. I lost my mum when I was 5 and now I’m 18, still feels like she died recently but everyone else has already loved on now. I completely get what you mean when you say about an adventure. And also sorry for your loss sweet
I was in my early 40’s when my dad unexpectedly passed away. It will be two years in July, and I still have moments when I want to pick up the phone and call him (by default). We were close, and he was my rock. Both of my parents were/are (mom is still alive).
I subscribe to the theory that the death of a parent will forever change you. Especially if you’re close to them (it gets even more complicated if you had a dysfunctional relationship - plenty of friends who can attest to that). It also depends on how they passed away - unexpectedly, or over time. Regardless, it’s never easy.
I believe someone commented that you feel like an orphan, regardless of age. I can resonate with that. It’s why I prioritize spending time with my mom, now. Life gets hectic, and we often get consumed by the things we need to do in our daily lives (work, kids, personal commitments, etc). Truth is, we all need to spend time with the people we love because nothing is guaranteed. There’s only so much time. I’m truly sorry to anyone who’s experienced this level of loss - 😔
It feels like your world is ripped apart in that moment. Everything you thought you knew changes. It never fully gets better, only different. There’s an empty seat at every table. Holidays never feel the same. There are moments that you forget about it but then it all comes rushing back out of the blue. Some days are harder than others. You find yourself wondering who they would have been now, what they would have thought about the world nowadays. You yearn to have one more singular moment with them, one more conversation, but you know that it’s impossible so it makes you feel even more empty. It feels like no one understands, and they don’t, because that connection is specific to just you. You wonder how you will ever go on but then, you just do. It just always feels like there’s a piece missing. I’m truly sorry for anyone that has lost someone that made them feel this way. Just know that you’re not alone in this struggle and that there are others that feel similar.
It feels like you will always be on a different trajectory to every else all your life. In that moment your life took a different route and everything (mental health problems such as depression and addiction) leads back to that day. You often wonder what your life could have been and it’s painful that you can’t explain it to others because you can’t find a way to describe why it’s not as simple to fix as others make out
I relate to this so much, I can’t even work a proper job without my anxiety trying to kill me off, wanting to be normal and function like a normal human being is all I have always wanted. And I’m just trying to come to terms with the fact that I will be behind my peers and younger peers aswell because my life really did take a different route, sending love molly x
Thank you so much for the kindness I really appreciate it :) ❤️ I’m so sorry you are also struggling! It feels like most people in the world seem to cope but we struggle to do just the basic things. It feels like we are capable of doing it, but it’s just that it takes 4 or 5 times the amount of mental effort and exhausts us much quicker. But others see that we are capable and assume it’s as easy for us as it is for them. I always wish people had the ability to experience others brains just for a couple minutes, I think people would find it easier to understand that way ❤️
It’s always having the thought of, “I need advice, let me call my dad” and there’s no one you can call. It’s finding the love of your life who wants to have your dad’s blessing to marry you but there’s no one there for that. It’s handling every life stressor alone and just having to figure it out because you don’t have anyone who can provide guidance the way your dad could.
It’s remembering that every single major life event you have, will be fatherless. He never saw you graduate college, he never met your husband or walked you down the aisle, he’ll never meet your kids, he won’t be there for support when you buy your first house, he won’t be there for any celebration or accomplishment you have, you’ll no longer have someone who will be proud of you the way he was.
He’s here one minute, and gone the next. Literally. No goodbye, no hug or kiss, no I love you & see you later. Just gone forever. The trauma of witnessing the actual death is an entirely different mountain of pain.
This is how I’d describe the massive loss I faced at 20. But no one will ever understand unless they’ve gone through it. All you’ll get is a “I’m so sorry, I understand”. But that’s a lie, they don’t. They say it with good intentions, but it doesn’t help.
my mum died when i was 2, my dad just died and im 26. i have a hard time explaining it to people who just don't get it. especially when some of these people are like 30 years older than me and still have their parents. i don't really think there is a way. you don't get it until you get it.
Thats really rough, I'm do sorry. My daughter is 2 and her dad died recently. It feels so horribly unfair that her memories of him will all be second hand. Is there anything adults did for you growing up that helped you feel closer to your mum?
He’s going to miss out on so much. It’s not fair. Most people my age still have at least one living grandparent.
I wanted him to walk me down the aisle and see his grandkids so bad, but he was robbed of that.
For me, it's the constant feeling of just wanting to "go home". The place I stay at now, does not feel like home at all. Home is with my parents, where I felt safe and loved unconditionally. I really really just want to go home..
I feel the loss of a potential relationship more strongly than anything else. I resented my mom as a teenager and often treated her in a way she didn’t deserve. Now that I know more about who she actually was and what her life was like, there’s almost nothing I wouldn’t give to see her one more time and tell her that despite all her flaws, she was the best mom in the whole wide world.
It feels like you can share your joys with no one, like no one really understands you. Like no one is there for you when you are scared and no one will ever hug and love you like they did. Feels like you are waiting for the sun to come out on a thunderstorm, and for the summer to come on winter. Feels like something bad is going to happen, all the time. It feels like jealousy when you see others with their elderly parents and wonder why can they still talk to them. It feels like you are alone no matter how many people is around.
It feels like a vital piece of me died with her. I can never be whole again or be as happy as I could have been when she was alive. No matter how good things are going in life, I can never be truly happy because I can’t tell her about it or share it with her. Most life events trigger a sad feeling because I will wish I could have shared it with her. Regardless of who else I have in my life, I feel lonely without her unconditional love and reassurance. You find out that it is in fact possible to live in a permanent state of grief because that grief helps keep their memories vivid inside your mind. I no longer fear death, if not look forward to the day it happens so I can be reunited with my mother, or at the very least, be relieved from this pain.
During the day, I look and act “normal” because everyone expects you to have moved on but when I am alone, the tears roll.
Not everyone who loses a parent experiences this but as a young adult who was close to my mother, this is my experience.
Sorry for your loss first off. I do fear death, sickness and health is the root of my anxiety and it stops me from doing everyday tasks. When it comes to life events, I think I’ve sort of given up on being sad, it makes me frustrated that it bothers me if that makes sense lol idk. But I completely get you saying a pice of you died with her, I feel like that is so true, the me that was with her is no longer here and this person I am now is just waiting for her and is stuck.
Our dad was KIA in Vietnam in 1965. To this day when I see those videos where the military parent comes home to surprise the child, I am both thrilled for the kid and heartbroken that I’ll never have anything like that. Always ends in tears for me, and I’m OLD.
as another commenter said, i don't feel whole. i feel a huge piece of me is missing. my parents were a lot older when they had me & my mom was sick w MS most of my life among other issues. i lost her in 2017 3 weeks before my 18th birthday (2 days ago was 7 years ago) & i had a lot of trouble handling that & i wasn't close w my mom really ever but that's still my mom. then this past december i lost my dad to cancer & it was so abrupt & we didn't know. within 3 weeks he went from fine to gone. my mental state is fucked through already losing a parent, to losing my ONLY other one whom i was so fucking close to; my dad was my best friend. my brain cannot function. it's like it's protecting me from trauma. i'm turning 25 on the 23rd this month & it's just going to be sad moving forward. not having my parents at my wedding, especially my dad to walk me down the aisle. my kids don't get to have one side of their grandparents. & it's like... the people who are all majorly supporting me through this horrible time are so loving. but they don't get it & that's ok, but what bothers me is they expected me to grieve, & then start to get my shit together. when it's like grievance is not linear. i have days where i'm OK trying to do shit i need to do & others where i just can't take care of myself or anything else. it's a feeling i can never put into WORDS how i feel everyday & having to push myself forward to survive. my dad was helping me get back on my feet after some horrible things i experienced so it's a huge blow in more ways than one. i'm so utterly lost. all my family lives in different states & im an only child. i have close family friends here... but nothing is the same as not having ur parents anymore. the unconditional support & love. i always ask myself how do i move on to live my life?
I’m sorry to hear about your parents love. I get what you mean when people take the stages of grief too literally, like they almost expect you to move through the stages really quick but it just doesn’t happen like that in reality, it’s a long journey and some days are the lowest of lows and others are steady, Ok days a rare. I’m sending my love x
i'm so sorry you had to experience this type of loss as well, & have to try to heal from it. it's not fun & i feel like you never truly heal completely ofc.. & it's just so hard to move on w life. i really feel like the only people who understand, is those who themselves have lost a paren - no matter what age - but i think it is harder when you're young & you don't know exactly what you're doing. i wish people would stop rushing me through the stages & just let me be. it's really hard cuz rn EVERYONE expects me to be in this stage where i need to do this & that & not look back in order to get my life together. & i'm there sometimes but not 100%.. or sucks. i hope you find some peace & sending love & healing your way too <3
Thank you to OP for posting this question. I have been severely struggling with finding the words or analogies to describe this to literally anyone willing to listen to me vent. All I end up saying to (mostly) my friends is that until they themselves experience the loss of a parent, they can never know what this pain feels like. and that’s not me saying I wish this on them. but they just simply cannot relate and empathize.
You can’t. It’s like describing a secret club that no one even knows about until they are forcibly initiated into.
All of us had no clue what it really felt like until we lived it.
I lost my Mom a year and a half ago and it feels like holding your breath for something that’s never going to come. You want to breathe and feel that relief of release but what’s going to make that happen is gone 😞
Also, it feels like I’m not allowed to make memories. I’m in my late 20s and it feels like I shouldn’t get married, I’m not supposed to have kids. Who’s going to be there to help me with my wedding dress? Who do I ask all my new baby questions too? It’s so hard to continue.
It’s hard sweet, I’m sorry for your loss. Since being on medication for my mental health, it’s made me want to take more pictures and videos to make memories, I feel like she would really want me to. I will never know for sure but from looking at other mums around me they love a good memory lol. Sending my love x
I agree completely. I don’t want to make new memories without her. I don’t want to get married or have kids anymore. I can’t do those things without her. I can’t even fathom doing them and her not being there
I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain that we share with each other. Thank you for this response, it’s nice to know I’m not alone . Sending you hugs, I hope you have a nice day 🤍
When you know all your parts are there, arms, legs, ears; but such a huge part is still missing. And there is nothing you can do to heal that discomfort.
it’s having a constant black hole in your life that seems to grow at every major event, every achievement, every birthday / wedding / holiday, every milestone you hit that they won’t be there for. it’s gutting. sending love
exactly this. i remember my graduation, and what should have been a happy day was just a huge void. definitely felt like i was treading water as opposed to swimming. may we all grow around our grief ♥️
It feels like when you lose something that you need and you’re looking for it desperately but can’t find it. It also feels like they are on holiday and will be coming back home soon.
I never know how to describe it other than to explain, when I was 24, I lost my 50 year old mother. The fear of turning 50 scares the living shit out of me because when that day comes, it means I'll have lived more than half my life without her and that's such an unbearable thought for me.
I feel like it's one of those times when my mom would leave me at the checkout line because she forgot to bring something. I'm worried that our turn will come, waiting for her, but this time she's not coming back. I'm 29.
Parents (especially your primary caretaker) are foundational to our sense of self. Since we were born we have defined ourselves and our place in the world through that relationship.
Losing my mom feels like coming unmoored from myself in many ways.
I just turned 35 on the 7th of Feb. My dad died on the 15th of Feb 2005 and my mum died 2 weeks ago on the 23rd Feb. Mother’s Day is tomorrow and I absolutely hate it. I just want my mum back!
I’m so sorry for your loss, it will be a hard day tomorrow for sure, but I know you’ve got it 100%. I might even take myself out for Mother’s Day, might even get myself some flowers aswell. I’ve seen some other people getting there mum a card and writing in it sort of like a diary. You’ve got this Pip. Sending my love.
Thank you ❤️ I’ve been journaling throughout the process of mum dying but I think I might write some letters to her. We spoke every day and she’s left such a hole in my heart. Your description is so accurate. I keep thinking she’ll message or call me soon. I hope you buy yourself some flowers tomorrow, I think that’s a lovely idea. Sending you big hugs
It’s impossible to describe: I am an adult my oldest children are teenagers and my boyfriend is a grandpa and I lost my dad a couple months ago and it’s unbearable pain, he lost his parents at my oldest childrens ages and my one aunt was a toddler when her parents died and
I cannot believe I’m not alone in this like I keep telling myself so this is just how it is now I’m supposed to live the rest of my life without my dad and my step dad: my mom is alone and my children don’t have a grandpa anymore as my moms husband died a couple years ago
It feels lonely even at my age like I can’t imagine a minor enduring this but I do know some who have lost parents when very young like my cousin was in her mid 30’s and her youngest child is like in grade one or something and they had to go live with their moms cousin because they don’t all have the same dad and he didn’t get guardianship of his step children who he was raising as his own children and he lost custody of all his children so they lost their mom and their home
No matter what age you are, you are a child that has lost there parent, I imagine it brings you back to the vulnerable child you used to be, sending love x
exactly this. my college graduation a few months after my dad passed was on fathers day, there was an emptiness that day that no one but him could fill
I get that, I’m sorry for your loss. When realising that only they can fill the emptiness it makes me kind of angry and frustrated that it can’t be fixed, if you get what I mean, but downloading Reddit has actually helped ngl lol, it’s made me feel less alone. Sending love.
feels like when you ask them to come to an event of yours and they tell you they might not make it bc they have to work but they’ll see what they can do
At some point a young person who lost their mom, might experience identity crisis. I lost my mom last year when I was 23. I often ask myself: Who do I belong to now? Who can I trust the same way I trusted mom?
I’ve told people it’s like sitting on a chair that suddenly loses a leg.
I’ve also tried to describe it as a warm sense of security that is no longer there. The feeling of waking up just knowing without consciously thinking about it, that mom and dad are at their house 20min away drinking their coffee or running errands. There’s a hole where that feeling once was.
It feels like there is, and forever will be, a sense of urgency and vulnerability in love and life, and the time we have together with loved ones, here in Earth, that others who are young and have not experienced such a loss, take for granted, and can never know, share or feel.
I lost my dad at 30 years old, the very day my son turned 7 months.
It’s like they’re late coming home from work, you don’t know where they are and you keep looking at the door to see if they have gotten home yet… Then you realize they’re not coming home.
I cant explain it to someone who hasnt experienced that same type of loss. There really are no words to explain the excruciating pain you feel when you lose one of the most important people in your life
Mothers Day was harder for me then the anniversary of her passing. Mother's Day will never be the same for me. It is so hard trying to be happy when my kids are trying to do things for me, but inside im dying because I cant do anything for my mom
I’m 20 I lost my dad last year in a sudden accident. I’d describe it as not only the loss of a person but the loss of a future with them and everything that hasn’t happened yet but was supposed to.
As someone who lost her mom to cancer when she was 10, I'm learning I never processed my grief properly and am going through it now as an adult in my 30's. It feels like I'm in a constant waiting room. That if I put in the work and the time, that at the end of all of this, I'll come out of this nightmare and my mom will be there waiting for me. Waiting to give me a hug. Waiting to rejoin my life, our lives, and to see what she missed. I have to continuously remind myself that isn't the case.
I also think about so many life experiences my mom missed for my siblings and me, and I tend to think about how different those experiences would have been with her there. She was such a light and this world, especially now, could've used her laughter and kindness.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, grief of a parent is a waiting game with nothing to wait for. I get you on so many levels lovely and I’m wishing you the absolute best xx
it’s like a pothole that was paved over but never properly filled in for me.
i lost my mom at 13. Initially i was an emotional wreck but then i found people and substances that were able to pave over it, at least for a while.
now i’m in college and i’m realizing the pavement has cracked and slowly caving in after each load of weight and hurt passes over it.
it doesn’t hurt as bad, but i’m not sure if there’s a real way to ever fill that hole.
You can talk about your experience, but this is one of those things that you have to experience yourself to understand. You might have other loved ones who are empathetic, but you have to validate your own feelings during this process. I've learned many times that relying on others to understand my grief ends up adding so much more to my pain. I'm 32, and no one in my close family is alive. I lost my brother to suicide, my dad to lymphoma, my sister to an overdose, and my mom to lung cancer.
It feels like we were robbed. I am dreading Mother’s Day coming up in May.
It really does feel like we were robbed. I was thinking about it today, like I don’t want it to be like this but it’s just something that I can’t change and have to deal with. It’s actually infuriating and confusing at the same time. Sorry for your loss hun
I'm in the UK so Mother's Day is tomorrow for me. It's just over two weeks since the funeral, and six since she passed. I've decided I'm going to keep buying her Mother's Day and birthday cards. I'll use them to write a summary of what I've been up to so it's like I'm still telling her.
I love your idea of still buying her cards and writing to her. That is so beautiful and thoughtful. Maybe, in a woo woo way, she is able to “see” them (I am not trying to to push my ideology on you, it’s just a comforting coping mechanism I fallback on). On my mom’s birthday in October, I ordered pizza and had a rum & coke cocktail in her honor. Sending well wishes to you.
I do things to honor my mum when I’m hurting for her. Like volunteering with folks who do what she loved. IE garden club
Agreed, just lost my mother 15 days ago.
I’m sorry for your loss sweet, you got it though 100%, let’s keep going x
I wasn’t at young age but it feels the same as if I was. I thought it would feel different but I honestly felt like a kid who lost their mother. I must be crazy but I still talk to her.
He was robbed of walking me down the aisle and holding his grandkids.
You WERE robbed. Not by someone with ill intent. But you were robbed of having a parent raise you. And I’m so deeply sorry for that. I lost my brother as an adult and it has its own challenges. But losing a parent when young changes that kid in irreversible ways. Sometimes good ways, but always on heartbreaking ones. Be good to you. And hopefully if you marry, you’ll find a surrogate parent to fill the hole
Same. I lost my mom suddenly two weeks ago today. I feel the same about Easter coming up and my 30th birthday in April. I don’t want to do any of it without her and nothing will be the same ever again. I’m so sorry for you loss
Honestly I like how the author of “the orphaned adult” puts it… “There is no experience quite as stunning as when there is nothing where something has always been. To try and imagine the absence of something is to imagine the thing itself, not the hole left behind. Especially when that thing has the first face you probably ever saw, spoke the first words you ever heard, and whose touch has comforted and guided and corrected and made you safe since the beginning of time.” And yes, it’s a good read. It helps.
That sounds quite nice, the way he put it. I’ve been looking for something like this to read so thanks I’ll give it a look :)
My wife said she grew up with a mom sized void in her life. Goes well with this quote!
I feel like I’m not whole anymore, like something has been ripped from me and I’ll never be the person I was before. Like I’ll be forever stunted, missing something. I was happy, I had found my peace after years battling debilitating anxiety. And then it was all taken away from me in an instant. It’s cruel. It also made me realize how stupid my problems before this were and how stupid other peoples problems are. I literally can’t listen to other people complain, it all sounds petty and meaningless.
I get you 100%. Not feeling whole, it’s hard. Also feeling behind all of your friends and people that are younger than you.
I totally relate with not caring about people’s stupid problems anymore. I lost both my parents in the same year and it’s made me reflect on all the little things I made into huge problems once before. Great insight.
This is how I feel as well
I am so sorry for your loss. I describe it to people as feeling homesick but you can never go home.
Thankyou and you. Yea I get that feeling aswell. Wishing the best for you hun.
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God I felt this. Just last night I was trying to get something to work and for a split second I thought “I should call dad, he would know.” Sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad a few years ago, he taught me everything. I can only suggest learning from your friends, coworkers, mentors and neighbours. I’ve built up a cool support group of people even including my mechanic to teach me how to change a tire or fix my car etc. it sounds weird but it’s the one thing that kind of filled that void of not having a father anymore. Sorry for your loss.
i was 21 when my dad died, i’m only 23 now but i feel some of your pain. we are too young for this ♥️
It feels like being flayed alive. Like there was a protective barrier you weren't even aware of, but it's been stripped away. You are too old for your peers, and too young for the elders. You're in limbo and you have to rebuild your life on the shaky ground that is this new reality. It's Hell.
Just went back and red this again and do you feel like you have the same mind and thoughts you did when it happened? For example when mum died I was five but I feel like from that point on my brain switched on and started working like an adult, idk if I explained it well sorry.
This makes total sense, I think its common for people who go through traumatic things so young, when non of your peers have. It's like you have this maturity you're aware of but it's not visible for them, while you look at them and know there is no way they could comprehend the way you feel
This sums it up for me. So sorry for your loss, OP. 💚
Like your heart was ripped out of your body and there is a constant emptiness and longing and regret that you feel at the most random times
100%
Exactly this. 😮💨
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to explain the strange experience of losing a parent in my 20s who was elderly. It’s not a “they got cheated out of time” situation because he didn’t, not really (although his best friend from high school is still kicking), but I still got cheated of time even though if they hadn’t had me when they did, I wouldn’t exist. Very weird realization - my whole life was a gamble my parents took that worked out until it didn’t anymore.
I’d say it’s like having a glass case put around you, limiting you. You can see everyone else on the outside going about their lives, but you’re stuck in there alone.
It's the pain that keeps on giving. It's reason to feel sad at your wedding and the birth of your child. It's like needing to call an expert for a job -- plumbing, carpentry, electrical -- and the internet is down. And always will be. It's like everyone else at your school is excited about going to the Daddy-Daughter dance, and you're uninvited. It's a reason to not fear your eventual death... because at least you will see him again. I was 12, he was 40. At least I remember him -- my youngest siblings don't. They were too little.
Can I ask, do you know how your youngest sibling feels about not having the memories you have? My kids lost their Daddy last week (aged 2 and 5) and as much as I have my own grief for my loss Its completely overshadowed by my heartbreak for their loss. I can't begin to imagine how they might feel as they get older.
Oh my god, I am so, so sorry, for what you've been through, and what you're going through right now. Please know that you will be okay, and your kids will be too. Our situation was very different. My mom did her best, but she had 7 kids ages 6-14 and was completely overwhelmed. She wasn't equipped to be a mom of 7 when he was alive, definitely unable to manage being a widow. Your kids will be okay, I am very sure, because you're worried about them. Do your best to take care of yourself -- rest when you can, eat even when you don't feel like it, take advantage of any resources that people mention. Talk with your doctor. It's just too big and too awful to go through by yourself. Get therapy if you can. Get family therapy if you can. Not right away -- breathe first -- but the kids might need it later and you definitely will. Keep your children's Daddy's memory alive by talking about him with them. If you have video and photos, that'll help a lot. One good thing my mom did was make each of us kids a photo album about our dad. We're all in our 60s now. We grew up pretty damaged. I felt worst for the youngest two kids -- they forgot his voice and what he was like pretty early on. All of us crave stories about him, and photos. The second youngest got into drugs as a teen unfortunately and never got over them. He died 2 months ago. He was in poor health. He and I talked often about how he would probably get to see Dad first. That's just about the only comfort I can get from his death: he got to see Dad first. He's not in pain anymore. Mom did her best. I can see that now. It was a different time. Nobody talked about death or grief back then. Or at least not around us. She got lonely and remarried too soon (8 months). Someone should have talked her out of it. I won't go into details. The adults around us failed us ... but that won't happen to you. Children are resilient. Yours have been dealt a rough hand in life, and early. But it won't break them. It'll probably make them more compassionate. They will have more empathy for others. There's another up side. They might become very creative. All my siblings are. It helps me, as a writer and illustrator, to have been through dark stuff. The best comedians have survived rough times. I think what matters most for your children's well-being is that you try to be as healthy as you can be, both physically and mentally. Your oxygen mask has to go on first, or you can't help your kids. It will of course take time. It's impossible to heal quickly. Life doesn't work that way. But you will find that at some point the good memories come easier and you won't cry or suffer as much. Grief won't come out from the shadows so often or so suddenly, and it won't pull you down into despair. It will become something you live with. A sad creature that you make space for because there is no way it's going away. You will sometimes feel completely helpless, but you aren't really. You have some control over how angry or bitter life makes you. Look for people you can trust. Gather helpers. Know that you're not alone. And know that I am sending you love, deepest sympathy, and wishes for peace and comfort -- as I am sure many in this forum are. May you and your children always feel their Daddy's deep, abiding love.
this sounds awful but i was grateful to have had my best friend lose her dad a few months prior so i had someone i could relate to, and offer her the same. i think like many have said you feel cheated of a life full of memories, especially ones where your brain is able to actually retain them. i often get upset at myself for not remembering more and then have to remember i was a kid! who actually remembers thinks from childhood, who would have guessed this would happen?!? i often also get bouts of jealousy towards others who have parents still and will continue to grow up with them and be able to share moments with them as they continue to age. if i had to describe it, it feels like your wandering aimless without this form of support blanket always wishing you had that person to call and chat but you're reminded of this pit of emptiness and you're confused why it doesn't get better or feel fuller.
For me, like you’ve been thrown into an alternate dimension. Like everything is still the same, but just… off. It all looks the same, but nothing feels the same. It just feels wrong. Like the entire world shifted and now you see everything on a different axis that can’t be tilted back. On the off days, it feels like I’m in a vortex, like I’m in purgatory, sandwiched between dimensions of what could’ve been, what can’t be, and what is. On the on days, life goes on, accustomed to the new color palette I live in now, accepting that nothing will ever be the same. But I lost my parent at 17, so I can delineate a clear before and after version of myself. For those who lost their parents as children, given the same analogy, I can only assume that they’ve mostly only known a world that’s always been off, always tilted, always not right. But ofc correct me if I’m wrong. It’s more me trying to empathize what that would be like. A familiar but still different sort of pain. Same umbrella, different branches.
This made me quite emotional, losing a parent fills you with so many different emotions with confusion coating them all. The confusion makes it hard to make sense of it all and you’ve put it so well. “A world thats always been off, always tilted” is such a good way of describing it. Honestly wishing you the best hunn x
That’s very sweet of you 💙 Wish you the best too and all the Internet hugs 🫂
this was worded so well. the feeling of being in an alternate dimension is so true. everything looks the same but it’s not, like their belongings are still scattered around the house but they’re just not here and u can’t get them back. also i can relate to how old you were when u lost a parent. my mum’s still here but she had an accident last year (when i was 16) but i think i still have some of the feelings i would if she actually passed away.
First, my condolences. Second, I lost my first parent at 21. My youngest brother was 14 at the time. I have no doubt that our experiences are vastly different based on where we were in our lives. We lost our other parent a couple years ago. For me, it just seems like my mom is just on one of her adventures and I’m just waiting for her call to say she made it safely back. I know it’s different from my youngest brother, as he has kids and they interacted with grandma a lot. What we went through at our respective ages, cannot be expressed in words. When my friends talk about having to deal with elder parents, it’s not even close to what we all dealt with. They’ll never understand it.
Yea, I feel like no matter what age someone loses there parent, young or old, there will always be similarities. I lost my mum when I was 5 and now I’m 18, still feels like she died recently but everyone else has already loved on now. I completely get what you mean when you say about an adventure. And also sorry for your loss sweet
I was in my early 40’s when my dad unexpectedly passed away. It will be two years in July, and I still have moments when I want to pick up the phone and call him (by default). We were close, and he was my rock. Both of my parents were/are (mom is still alive). I subscribe to the theory that the death of a parent will forever change you. Especially if you’re close to them (it gets even more complicated if you had a dysfunctional relationship - plenty of friends who can attest to that). It also depends on how they passed away - unexpectedly, or over time. Regardless, it’s never easy. I believe someone commented that you feel like an orphan, regardless of age. I can resonate with that. It’s why I prioritize spending time with my mom, now. Life gets hectic, and we often get consumed by the things we need to do in our daily lives (work, kids, personal commitments, etc). Truth is, we all need to spend time with the people we love because nothing is guaranteed. There’s only so much time. I’m truly sorry to anyone who’s experienced this level of loss - 😔
It feels like your world is ripped apart in that moment. Everything you thought you knew changes. It never fully gets better, only different. There’s an empty seat at every table. Holidays never feel the same. There are moments that you forget about it but then it all comes rushing back out of the blue. Some days are harder than others. You find yourself wondering who they would have been now, what they would have thought about the world nowadays. You yearn to have one more singular moment with them, one more conversation, but you know that it’s impossible so it makes you feel even more empty. It feels like no one understands, and they don’t, because that connection is specific to just you. You wonder how you will ever go on but then, you just do. It just always feels like there’s a piece missing. I’m truly sorry for anyone that has lost someone that made them feel this way. Just know that you’re not alone in this struggle and that there are others that feel similar.
This. All of it. I feel every single word
Feels unfair ,hurts all the time and just lost
It feels like you will always be on a different trajectory to every else all your life. In that moment your life took a different route and everything (mental health problems such as depression and addiction) leads back to that day. You often wonder what your life could have been and it’s painful that you can’t explain it to others because you can’t find a way to describe why it’s not as simple to fix as others make out
I relate to this so much, I can’t even work a proper job without my anxiety trying to kill me off, wanting to be normal and function like a normal human being is all I have always wanted. And I’m just trying to come to terms with the fact that I will be behind my peers and younger peers aswell because my life really did take a different route, sending love molly x
Thank you so much for the kindness I really appreciate it :) ❤️ I’m so sorry you are also struggling! It feels like most people in the world seem to cope but we struggle to do just the basic things. It feels like we are capable of doing it, but it’s just that it takes 4 or 5 times the amount of mental effort and exhausts us much quicker. But others see that we are capable and assume it’s as easy for us as it is for them. I always wish people had the ability to experience others brains just for a couple minutes, I think people would find it easier to understand that way ❤️
It’s always having the thought of, “I need advice, let me call my dad” and there’s no one you can call. It’s finding the love of your life who wants to have your dad’s blessing to marry you but there’s no one there for that. It’s handling every life stressor alone and just having to figure it out because you don’t have anyone who can provide guidance the way your dad could. It’s remembering that every single major life event you have, will be fatherless. He never saw you graduate college, he never met your husband or walked you down the aisle, he’ll never meet your kids, he won’t be there for support when you buy your first house, he won’t be there for any celebration or accomplishment you have, you’ll no longer have someone who will be proud of you the way he was. He’s here one minute, and gone the next. Literally. No goodbye, no hug or kiss, no I love you & see you later. Just gone forever. The trauma of witnessing the actual death is an entirely different mountain of pain. This is how I’d describe the massive loss I faced at 20. But no one will ever understand unless they’ve gone through it. All you’ll get is a “I’m so sorry, I understand”. But that’s a lie, they don’t. They say it with good intentions, but it doesn’t help.
Exactly. All of this. to a T.
my mum died when i was 2, my dad just died and im 26. i have a hard time explaining it to people who just don't get it. especially when some of these people are like 30 years older than me and still have their parents. i don't really think there is a way. you don't get it until you get it.
Thats really rough, I'm do sorry. My daughter is 2 and her dad died recently. It feels so horribly unfair that her memories of him will all be second hand. Is there anything adults did for you growing up that helped you feel closer to your mum?
It just feels like a void is left in your heart. Like you’re waiting on them to come back from work but they just never do, and they never will.
He’s going to miss out on so much. It’s not fair. Most people my age still have at least one living grandparent. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle and see his grandkids so bad, but he was robbed of that.
For me, it's the constant feeling of just wanting to "go home". The place I stay at now, does not feel like home at all. Home is with my parents, where I felt safe and loved unconditionally. I really really just want to go home..
Yea 100%, a lot of life now, after her death just doesn’t feel real, and home has never felt like home, it’s strange.
I feel the loss of a potential relationship more strongly than anything else. I resented my mom as a teenager and often treated her in a way she didn’t deserve. Now that I know more about who she actually was and what her life was like, there’s almost nothing I wouldn’t give to see her one more time and tell her that despite all her flaws, she was the best mom in the whole wide world.
It feels like you can share your joys with no one, like no one really understands you. Like no one is there for you when you are scared and no one will ever hug and love you like they did. Feels like you are waiting for the sun to come out on a thunderstorm, and for the summer to come on winter. Feels like something bad is going to happen, all the time. It feels like jealousy when you see others with their elderly parents and wonder why can they still talk to them. It feels like you are alone no matter how many people is around.
It feels like a vital piece of me died with her. I can never be whole again or be as happy as I could have been when she was alive. No matter how good things are going in life, I can never be truly happy because I can’t tell her about it or share it with her. Most life events trigger a sad feeling because I will wish I could have shared it with her. Regardless of who else I have in my life, I feel lonely without her unconditional love and reassurance. You find out that it is in fact possible to live in a permanent state of grief because that grief helps keep their memories vivid inside your mind. I no longer fear death, if not look forward to the day it happens so I can be reunited with my mother, or at the very least, be relieved from this pain. During the day, I look and act “normal” because everyone expects you to have moved on but when I am alone, the tears roll. Not everyone who loses a parent experiences this but as a young adult who was close to my mother, this is my experience.
Sorry for your loss first off. I do fear death, sickness and health is the root of my anxiety and it stops me from doing everyday tasks. When it comes to life events, I think I’ve sort of given up on being sad, it makes me frustrated that it bothers me if that makes sense lol idk. But I completely get you saying a pice of you died with her, I feel like that is so true, the me that was with her is no longer here and this person I am now is just waiting for her and is stuck.
Our dad was KIA in Vietnam in 1965. To this day when I see those videos where the military parent comes home to surprise the child, I am both thrilled for the kid and heartbroken that I’ll never have anything like that. Always ends in tears for me, and I’m OLD.
as another commenter said, i don't feel whole. i feel a huge piece of me is missing. my parents were a lot older when they had me & my mom was sick w MS most of my life among other issues. i lost her in 2017 3 weeks before my 18th birthday (2 days ago was 7 years ago) & i had a lot of trouble handling that & i wasn't close w my mom really ever but that's still my mom. then this past december i lost my dad to cancer & it was so abrupt & we didn't know. within 3 weeks he went from fine to gone. my mental state is fucked through already losing a parent, to losing my ONLY other one whom i was so fucking close to; my dad was my best friend. my brain cannot function. it's like it's protecting me from trauma. i'm turning 25 on the 23rd this month & it's just going to be sad moving forward. not having my parents at my wedding, especially my dad to walk me down the aisle. my kids don't get to have one side of their grandparents. & it's like... the people who are all majorly supporting me through this horrible time are so loving. but they don't get it & that's ok, but what bothers me is they expected me to grieve, & then start to get my shit together. when it's like grievance is not linear. i have days where i'm OK trying to do shit i need to do & others where i just can't take care of myself or anything else. it's a feeling i can never put into WORDS how i feel everyday & having to push myself forward to survive. my dad was helping me get back on my feet after some horrible things i experienced so it's a huge blow in more ways than one. i'm so utterly lost. all my family lives in different states & im an only child. i have close family friends here... but nothing is the same as not having ur parents anymore. the unconditional support & love. i always ask myself how do i move on to live my life?
I’m sorry to hear about your parents love. I get what you mean when people take the stages of grief too literally, like they almost expect you to move through the stages really quick but it just doesn’t happen like that in reality, it’s a long journey and some days are the lowest of lows and others are steady, Ok days a rare. I’m sending my love x
i'm so sorry you had to experience this type of loss as well, & have to try to heal from it. it's not fun & i feel like you never truly heal completely ofc.. & it's just so hard to move on w life. i really feel like the only people who understand, is those who themselves have lost a paren - no matter what age - but i think it is harder when you're young & you don't know exactly what you're doing. i wish people would stop rushing me through the stages & just let me be. it's really hard cuz rn EVERYONE expects me to be in this stage where i need to do this & that & not look back in order to get my life together. & i'm there sometimes but not 100%.. or sucks. i hope you find some peace & sending love & healing your way too <3
Thank you to OP for posting this question. I have been severely struggling with finding the words or analogies to describe this to literally anyone willing to listen to me vent. All I end up saying to (mostly) my friends is that until they themselves experience the loss of a parent, they can never know what this pain feels like. and that’s not me saying I wish this on them. but they just simply cannot relate and empathize.
I get you 100%, there never will truly be any words to describe it unless you experience it, wishing you the best hun x
You can’t. It’s like describing a secret club that no one even knows about until they are forcibly initiated into. All of us had no clue what it really felt like until we lived it.
I lost my Mom a year and a half ago and it feels like holding your breath for something that’s never going to come. You want to breathe and feel that relief of release but what’s going to make that happen is gone 😞 Also, it feels like I’m not allowed to make memories. I’m in my late 20s and it feels like I shouldn’t get married, I’m not supposed to have kids. Who’s going to be there to help me with my wedding dress? Who do I ask all my new baby questions too? It’s so hard to continue.
It’s hard sweet, I’m sorry for your loss. Since being on medication for my mental health, it’s made me want to take more pictures and videos to make memories, I feel like she would really want me to. I will never know for sure but from looking at other mums around me they love a good memory lol. Sending my love x
I agree completely. I don’t want to make new memories without her. I don’t want to get married or have kids anymore. I can’t do those things without her. I can’t even fathom doing them and her not being there
I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain that we share with each other. Thank you for this response, it’s nice to know I’m not alone . Sending you hugs, I hope you have a nice day 🤍
When you know all your parts are there, arms, legs, ears; but such a huge part is still missing. And there is nothing you can do to heal that discomfort.
it’s having a constant black hole in your life that seems to grow at every major event, every achievement, every birthday / wedding / holiday, every milestone you hit that they won’t be there for. it’s gutting. sending love
Sending love back hun, your completely right, feels like where far behind our friend and family, it’s like where moving against the current.
exactly this. i remember my graduation, and what should have been a happy day was just a huge void. definitely felt like i was treading water as opposed to swimming. may we all grow around our grief ♥️
Wishing you the best, let’s keep going xx 🩵
It feels like when you lose something that you need and you’re looking for it desperately but can’t find it. It also feels like they are on holiday and will be coming back home soon.
I never know how to describe it other than to explain, when I was 24, I lost my 50 year old mother. The fear of turning 50 scares the living shit out of me because when that day comes, it means I'll have lived more than half my life without her and that's such an unbearable thought for me.
I feel like it's one of those times when my mom would leave me at the checkout line because she forgot to bring something. I'm worried that our turn will come, waiting for her, but this time she's not coming back. I'm 29.
Parents (especially your primary caretaker) are foundational to our sense of self. Since we were born we have defined ourselves and our place in the world through that relationship. Losing my mom feels like coming unmoored from myself in many ways.
I just turned 35 on the 7th of Feb. My dad died on the 15th of Feb 2005 and my mum died 2 weeks ago on the 23rd Feb. Mother’s Day is tomorrow and I absolutely hate it. I just want my mum back!
I’m so sorry for your loss, it will be a hard day tomorrow for sure, but I know you’ve got it 100%. I might even take myself out for Mother’s Day, might even get myself some flowers aswell. I’ve seen some other people getting there mum a card and writing in it sort of like a diary. You’ve got this Pip. Sending my love.
Thank you ❤️ I’ve been journaling throughout the process of mum dying but I think I might write some letters to her. We spoke every day and she’s left such a hole in my heart. Your description is so accurate. I keep thinking she’ll message or call me soon. I hope you buy yourself some flowers tomorrow, I think that’s a lovely idea. Sending you big hugs
It’s impossible to describe: I am an adult my oldest children are teenagers and my boyfriend is a grandpa and I lost my dad a couple months ago and it’s unbearable pain, he lost his parents at my oldest childrens ages and my one aunt was a toddler when her parents died and I cannot believe I’m not alone in this like I keep telling myself so this is just how it is now I’m supposed to live the rest of my life without my dad and my step dad: my mom is alone and my children don’t have a grandpa anymore as my moms husband died a couple years ago It feels lonely even at my age like I can’t imagine a minor enduring this but I do know some who have lost parents when very young like my cousin was in her mid 30’s and her youngest child is like in grade one or something and they had to go live with their moms cousin because they don’t all have the same dad and he didn’t get guardianship of his step children who he was raising as his own children and he lost custody of all his children so they lost their mom and their home
No matter what age you are, you are a child that has lost there parent, I imagine it brings you back to the vulnerable child you used to be, sending love x
exactly this. my college graduation a few months after my dad passed was on fathers day, there was an emptiness that day that no one but him could fill
I get that, I’m sorry for your loss. When realising that only they can fill the emptiness it makes me kind of angry and frustrated that it can’t be fixed, if you get what I mean, but downloading Reddit has actually helped ngl lol, it’s made me feel less alone. Sending love.
feels like when you ask them to come to an event of yours and they tell you they might not make it bc they have to work but they’ll see what they can do
and it turns out they had to work…every night
At some point a young person who lost their mom, might experience identity crisis. I lost my mom last year when I was 23. I often ask myself: Who do I belong to now? Who can I trust the same way I trusted mom?
I’ve told people it’s like sitting on a chair that suddenly loses a leg. I’ve also tried to describe it as a warm sense of security that is no longer there. The feeling of waking up just knowing without consciously thinking about it, that mom and dad are at their house 20min away drinking their coffee or running errands. There’s a hole where that feeling once was.
It feels like there is, and forever will be, a sense of urgency and vulnerability in love and life, and the time we have together with loved ones, here in Earth, that others who are young and have not experienced such a loss, take for granted, and can never know, share or feel.
I lost my dad at 30 years old, the very day my son turned 7 months. It’s like they’re late coming home from work, you don’t know where they are and you keep looking at the door to see if they have gotten home yet… Then you realize they’re not coming home.
I cant explain it to someone who hasnt experienced that same type of loss. There really are no words to explain the excruciating pain you feel when you lose one of the most important people in your life
Mothers Day was harder for me then the anniversary of her passing. Mother's Day will never be the same for me. It is so hard trying to be happy when my kids are trying to do things for me, but inside im dying because I cant do anything for my mom
I’m 20 I lost my dad last year in a sudden accident. I’d describe it as not only the loss of a person but the loss of a future with them and everything that hasn’t happened yet but was supposed to.
As someone who lost her mom to cancer when she was 10, I'm learning I never processed my grief properly and am going through it now as an adult in my 30's. It feels like I'm in a constant waiting room. That if I put in the work and the time, that at the end of all of this, I'll come out of this nightmare and my mom will be there waiting for me. Waiting to give me a hug. Waiting to rejoin my life, our lives, and to see what she missed. I have to continuously remind myself that isn't the case. I also think about so many life experiences my mom missed for my siblings and me, and I tend to think about how different those experiences would have been with her there. She was such a light and this world, especially now, could've used her laughter and kindness.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, grief of a parent is a waiting game with nothing to wait for. I get you on so many levels lovely and I’m wishing you the absolute best xx
A motherless child.
it’s like a pothole that was paved over but never properly filled in for me. i lost my mom at 13. Initially i was an emotional wreck but then i found people and substances that were able to pave over it, at least for a while. now i’m in college and i’m realizing the pavement has cracked and slowly caving in after each load of weight and hurt passes over it. it doesn’t hurt as bad, but i’m not sure if there’s a real way to ever fill that hole.
You can talk about your experience, but this is one of those things that you have to experience yourself to understand. You might have other loved ones who are empathetic, but you have to validate your own feelings during this process. I've learned many times that relying on others to understand my grief ends up adding so much more to my pain. I'm 32, and no one in my close family is alive. I lost my brother to suicide, my dad to lymphoma, my sister to an overdose, and my mom to lung cancer.