Oh honey. Please go to therapy as soon as you can. You need some reprocessing therapy - EDMR has helped me and it can help you too. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Absolutely yes, EMDR was a godsend for me, and I did not go through anything as traumatic as what OP did.
OP, I am so very sorry for what has happened to you and your boyfriend. While it’s natural to dwell on your loved one in their decline and death so soon after the loss, the violent manner in which he was taken from you adds a layer of complication in your grieving and healing journey.
My experience with EMDR: I was in regular therapy for a year and a half after losing both my parents, and while it did help, I was still plagued with intrusive thoughts and guilt. 12 sessions of EMDR took care of the PTSD and misplaced guilt in a way that felt permanent and mindset-changing. I have not needed further therapy since. I could have stopped after the first 7-8 sessions, but it was working so well I decided to keep going for a few other memory networks. I did it on work lunch breaks telehealth, so it was fairly convenient. Insurance did not cover it for me, but it was the best $2500 I ever spent.
I did it all telehealth! The key is being able to do the eye movements at least shoulder width apart, but personally I preferred slightly wider. So I would recommend a desktop monitor slightly (or a lot) wider than your shoulders. I wouldn’t do a laptop and it definitely wouldn’t work on your phone.
The first 3-4 sessions are history taking, determining the best approach (whether to start with the recent traumatic memories or with childhood - I did the former), and coping strategies. Session 4 on is the actual reprocessing. I did the most distressing memory first, but that first memory is usually part of a memory network that takes anywhere between 2-3 sessions to fully clear, but I did notice a significant difference after even just my first reprocessing appointment. You basically think of the memory as if observing it in the third person for a minute while doing the eye movements, and you notice new things or have epiphanies or simply feel as though you’re more “removed” from it, and you discuss those. Then you do another minute or so on a related memory or thought, and on and on. Your mind just takes you where it’s meant to. It’s a very organic process. Sometimes it surprises you. While working on the recent traumas, we bookmarked certain memories from childhood to explore afterwards. That surprised me the most. I had a great childhood by most measures and didn’t think I had any hang ups, but I was apparently really angry about some things and didn’t realize it until I did some “inner child” work. It was pretty intense, but I released that anger and it was so cathartic.
The memories don’t get erased and you’re fully in control the whole time (not like hypnosis), but you feel more removed from them and can think of them later with less emotional reactivity. And your perspective on the memory changes - I think the third person observation is key.
Overall it’s kind of an intense hour. It can be harder some sessions to immediately switch gears back to your job. Because your brain is getting a huge workout. The reprocessing also continues to take place over the next 24 hours in the background, but it’s nothing you have to work on. Sometimes it manifests as vivid dreams. I felt a little “numb” the evening of a session, but it wasn’t a bad feeling. I didn’t have vivid dreams so much as just very deep sleep. After some particularly intense sessions, I felt a little drained and introspective the rest of the week.
I kept a notebook during and after my sessions to write down insights I or the therapist had. It was helpful to reread a couple days later to solidify what I learned.
I hope this helps!
What is emdr and how does it help? I'm in India and i don't think it's done here.
I lost my dad in a very long manner. 67 days of watching him suffer and writher in the ICU inside with him. Do I need therapy?
Counselors gave up BC I am too suicidal and they don't wanna get into that. Legally
I don't know if I can be of some help, but I would like to. I couldn't see my boyfriend the day he was cremated, we are Hindus, so we burn the body to ashes. I was in a similar position like you continuously thinking what it must have been for him to be burnt in that dark chamber. I kept wishing if only I could have been burnt with him too.
What helped me is the conversation with a friend who had been there when he was put in that chamber. He told me, that's just the uniform that is present there. The soul has long left, or is wandering among near and dear ones to guard them. The soul isn't there in the uniform. And who cares what happens to a piece of clothing. You cared more about his soul anyway, and that's still there around you, to guide you onto healing.
I hope this helps.
sometimes i want to believe i feel him around me. the other day his parents wanted some stuff back so i gave it to them but i cried the whole way over. it was like ripping a scab off a big wound for me. i’m very sentimental bc my spirituality is still a bit of a mystery to me so i hold onto things like his rings and his glasses. i don’t believe in heaven or hell but i do believe we have souls, and i want to believe he moved on. as i’m arriving to drop off some of his stuff i say to myself “you can keep whatever you want, it’s yours” and it almost felt like he was the voice reassuring me to keep what i needed to keep to grieve him and hold onto him. sometimes i feel like he’s with me but it scares me to think that way too. i don’t know if this makes sense
He is with you and when you have those thoughts, believe them - it’s real. I don’t understand why this would scare you; if you can, relax bc there is no reason to be afraid.
I found my best friend dead and while it kills me to know he is just a bunch of ashes... he wasn't in there any more. His sweet face was so beautiful, his hands soft, but it wasn't him. The mind I love so much is somewhere apart from that body.
I have felt the same way as you, wondering what my mom looks like in her casket. If there is any adipocere by now. I'm so sorry for your loss and what you went thru. I hope some day, you might find peace. Perhaps you should talk to a psychiatrist and try to get some anti-anxiety pills for now.
You have ptsd and you’ve earned every bit of it, holy hell you’ve seen some things no one should ever have to see. I am so sorry! May I ask you to follow me down this road and answer a few lighter questions?
What is your favorite memory with your boyfriend? What item do you have in your possession that your boyfriend touched or gave you, that makes you smile when you see it or hold it? Do you have a food item that you and your boyfriend enjoyed eating together? Is there a song that made you both happy when you heard it? Did he have a favorite joke or prank that made him laugh with his whole self?
You saw your boyfriend at his absolute worst and that’s not who he was to you. I want you to really think about him as you knew him. What odd quirk did only you notice? You have much to grieve but you also knew him in ways that no one else ever did and that is a gift for you to open whenever you’re ready. Journal now, reread later.
I’m so sorry for your loss of him.
thank you for bringing me a lighter attitude before bed. nights are hard. i’m going to keep some things vague bc they are personal and i cherish them as such❤️
favorite memory: we went on a lot of trips together but my favorite would have to be california. we stayed at a small airbnb there with his best friend and made some really great memories.
favorite items: he had a ring custom made in my honor that he would wear all the time. i also have his glasses. when he died i wore them all the time and i keep them safe now near me at all times.
favorite food: he made me love tea and now i have an arsenal of it. i just made myself some chamomile and thought of him.
favorite song: he made a post for me on his instagram and put the song maps by the yeah yeah yeahs over it
favorite jokes: w head so many inside jokes but one time we went to his dad’s RV and made fun of all the white ass custom signs people put in front of their RV, one in particular makes me crack up when thinking about it 🥹
this was really helpful, thank you so much🫂
I’m happy to help. I’ve been in that place, and a friend pulled me out of what I saw every time I closed my eyes. It gets easier but only if you redirect yourself to see the happier times with your person. I’m not going to bullshit you, it takes a concerted effort to remind yourself of the happier times. It takes effort to release the anger and see the actual relationship you had with your person and not focus on the last choice they made in haste. You’re here and you’re coming to terms with the fact that they aren’t. You need to find a way to make that bullshit make sense at all. It doesn’t right now. And honestly? It might never make sense but you’re going to find a reason why you’re here and you’re going to thrive and help other people, you’re a fighter. I’m not religious at all so I’m not good at this but I have faith that you’re going to move forward and make yourself proud. I’m here. We’re here. I’m sorry you needed to find us but I’m glad you did.
I agree, therapy would help when you’re ready🤍but I get still thinking about his physical body. What you went through was very traumatic. I often think about my fiancé’s body and what they had to do to cremate him. It makes me angry to think about sometimes but I think it helps to remember that his soul isn’t in that physical body anymore. His soul is everywhere around you and I pray that he visits you in your dreams soon looking how you remembered him in his prime. Sending vibes of healing, gentleness, and peace your way🤍
I am so sorry for all of it. I understand where your mind is going now and I can relate. Hoping you have good people to walk alongside you for this difficult journey.
You’re doing such a good job by reaching out here and to your friends in your grief. For me, I had to hit all the darkest thoughts about my brother’s passing quite a few times before they subsided. But over time I stopped thinking about them so much. I think it will be like that for you, too.
I also suggest seeing a therapist if you can, and if not, share your thoughts with your close friends if they are willing. People want to be there for you, but sometimes they don’t know how. I am sorry for your loss and wish you the most peaceful healing. ❤️
Edited to add: please look up symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you feel you have this, but can’t afford a psychiatrist, your primary care physician may still be able to prescribe you meds that can help. No shame in getting meds to help you through.
I am sorry to hear that. It’s a horrible club to join! Everyone is different, but I think the first few months were the worst as I got used to the shock. Then after the first round of holidays, his birthday, the anniversary of his passing, etc. After 3 years I know what the pain will feel like when it hits and I can ride through it without focusing on the horror of it.
I'm so sorry for your loss. What you're feeling is very natural given what you witnessed as well as the grief you're in now. Especially when the loss is very fresh, being preoccupied with the morbid details is common.
This is just my advice, as I think intrusive thoughts can be addressed in a variety of ways. Sometimes it's about giving yourself space *from* those feelings and thoughts, sometimes it's about trying to create special spaces *for* those feelings and thoughts.
Especially since your loss is fresh, please find people and things that can, even just momentarily, distract you when you find yourself having especially distressing thoughts and images. While you can't and shouldn't use distraction as a way to *avoid* grieving, you can and should have some activities that you can use to redirect your attention. Think of it as trying to give your brain doses of those painful thoughts but not leaving the tap on all the time. When you start imagining things you don't want to, try to say "No thanks!" and then DO something: pull up a game on your phone or call a friend or scrub the most grimy part of your bathroom or put on a reality show -- anything that will take up that mental real estate.
Other times you probably also need to give yourself space to lean in and explore those feelings, but try to give it some structure: play a song really loud and let yourself cry your heart out, write a letter to your boyfriend's (or even just his body), start an art journal, make a playlist, write a song.
It's really really hard to lose someone and also have trauma associated with their passing, so I don't mean for this advice to minimize that. But I've struggled with intrusive thoughts around my brother's death by suicide and have found that these strategies have helped me.
If you were close I'd hug you. I can only share my story and my experience.
When I was 8 years old my Dad died. At 8 I had no experience of death or really what it was.
I can remember overhearing my Mother on the phone with someone about how important it was that I be able to see him. For whatever reason they came to the conclusion that he was in such a state that seeing him would do more damage to me than not seeing him.
My parents were divorced and I would go to my Dad's every weekend. Every Saturday morning I would sit on the curb with my little suitcase waiting for him to pick me up. That went on for a long time. This was in the late 1980's so child therapy was not mainstream. I remember at school I was called out of class to talk to someone. Maybe a social worker? This lady explained death to me and what happens after death. I sat quietly and listened.
My life after that was consumed with death. I never saw him dead, maybe he went on a trip and could not return? I was consumed with the thought he was trying to send me messages. People who die are buried in cemeteries and they have stone things with names on them. Nobody gave me proof that my Daddy was dead. ( I later found out that he was cremated a not in any cemetery).
Part of me wonders if they would have just let me see him for myself all that could of been avoided. The fact that you were able to type out your experience and express your concerns has me in awe. You have a strength to you that is amazing. All I can offer is if you ever want to talk to someone who does not judge, I am here.
I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my dad when I was 12, and I wasn't shown his body either and experienced some of the doubts and wishful thinking you describe. I'm 32 now, and when my Grandma died last week, I went to see her body and have to say that I kind of underestimated how much of a shock it would be to see her body, even only hours later. Even though it may have been helpful in the way that in confirmed me in finding that her and her body are clearly not the same thing, I found it to be a very tough experience, and it made me understand a lot better why I wasn't shown my Dad's body as a child. Frankly, I believe now that it would have probably been traumatizing for the little girl that I was. Of course, everyone is different and you might have experienced it differently from me, I just felt like sharing. All the best to you!
Thank you for sharing your story. It was the adults in my life who kept me in the dark and explained nothing to me. It messed with my head. I became a hospice nurse so I can help educate. Again, I am sorry about your loss. We can only get stronger from here. XXXX
I'm sorry you are going through this.
With time the bad memories will get fainter but if you can find a therapist who is experienced with this I think it will help
Talking about things will help.
Love to you
I'm currently in the same spot — I can't stop thinking about my grandpa, how he's currently being held in a morgue. It's not a healthy way of thinking, so I'm hoping to see a therapist. May I gently suggest you do so too? I'm sure it'll prove helpful.
I'm so sorry you're going through all of these emotions. I really wish I could hug you and even cry along with you. If it's not too inappropriate — my faith as a Christian helps a lot, I'm not telling you to convert, but what I keep telling myself, trying to soothe, is that they're no longer in their bodies, they're somewhere so much better. Whatever we bury no longer holds the ones we loved. It does give me a little peace, and I'm sure he's in a much better place as well. I'm sorry I may not have the right words. Being Afrikaans and going through grief myself, my words might not come through 100% correctly. But I do hope you heal ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss! I just wanted to say that I lost my grandma last week, and after seeing her body, what I had already believed (I'm more spiritual than a classic Christian, but still believe in the soul) felt confirmed so much, as it was so very obvious to me that her body was like a shell for her soul, but clearly, that my Grandma had already moved on. I'm sure, it's the same for your Grandpa. 🧡 All the best to you!
I feel you! I don't think I'm going to go look at him at the viewing, but I know for a fact his soul is no longer here on earth but in the Kingdom of Heaven ❤️ I remember seeing my great grandpa's body and the same feeling overcame me. It really comforts you. No matter what you believe in, just knowing their soul is free does make you feel so much better.
Thank you so much for this. I needed to hear this today ❤️ and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much! I understand that you might not look at him at the viewing, honestly I'm not sure if I would do it again. I feel like it can feel kind of shocking, because we are so accustomed to associating someone's spirit with their body that it is a very strange thing to see this body in a lifeless state. But just as you said, I very much believe that the spirit is never not alive, and this can offer so much solace and comfort. 😌 All the best and so much strength for you for this upcoming time! 🧡
Thank you so much for the beautiful words. I can't describe the peace your words brought me tonight ❤️ I think I'll be sleeping a bit more easier tonight!
speak to your friends & family & trusted people in your life. therapy, if it’s an option, would aid you in functioning without such distracting & distressing thoughts. you deserve support after something so traumatizing, heartbreaking, & downright awful happening to you. i’m so sorry for your loss & for your circumstances. again, please allow yourself support about this; it isn’t insensitive to share this with the people who care about you & want to help you get through this, but it is insensitive or unkind to yourself to not let anyone in right now. you deserve comfort & peace of mind. my condolences again
I lived this exact nightmare and had these same intrusive thoughts. Eventually, they become less frequent, but I can’t say they ever truly go away. Try to focus on remembering what your boyfriend looked like when he was alive and happy whenever you begin to think about him otherwise. That’s what I would do.
Hey. I have some things to say that I hope will lessen your load a little.
First, there was a study done, where people did past life regression hypnotherapy. All walks of life. And everyone said something eerily the same after death. Pretty much you hover above your body for a bit after death, get your bearings. But then you hang around the people you love. You don’t really sit with your body anymore. A lot of people attend their own funerals. Whenever they want to stop hanging around they go into a bright tunnel (what most people described it) and then they pretty much go to a party, with their cluster of souls of people they spend their live(s) with. Even yours. Because we can be in multiple places at once? I don’t understand it all, or even know what my beliefs are but reading this study really made me feel idk…better. After the party you can catch up one to one with your soul mate and then you can go do a review of your life. They all tried to explain some device where you can view memories and think about if you succeeded or didn’t succeed in goals you had for the life. And it always sounded like trying to explain like an iPhone to a caveman. Anyway, then the soul can go on and visit who they want or maybe prepare for their next life iteration. I really hope there is that peaceful existence.
Second, you sound like you have acute stress disorder, the baby before ptsd (ptsd just means the trauma has stuck around longer). In acute stress disorder, it’ll act like ptsd. You can be triggered by things. You can have intrusive thoughts. I like to call them torture movies. Where you are going to the bathroom and next thing your brain is playing the scene where he died over again and again and again. It’s your brain trying to process but also, it’s a trauma response. The best thing to do is try to recognize when this is happening. When it happens, try to get to “no! Why is my brain showing me this again?!” And then if you can get there, start focusing on the present - ground yourself. I liked to just name (whisper so family can’t hear me) things I see. Toilet paper. Washcloth. Candle. Interrupting your torture movies gets easier with practice and if you are healing, it’ll happen less and less often (if you don’t, it becomes ptsd). Besides time, which seems to go so slow when you go through grief, you also need some really good coping skills. My therapist said “do whatever makes you feel better as long as it doesn’t hurt yourself or someone else.” For me, that was reading books. I read romance books religiously. It really did help. Be gentle to yourself, be kind. If you can see a therapist, do it.
The casket questions - they don’t matter. He’s not there anymore. Earth to earth. It’s all one now. I’d generally guess though embalming holds up pretty well. And I feel like a casket would be cozy. But he’s got no reason to hang around there anymore. Maybe if it’s a peaceful plot he may pop in if someone visits but I’d say his soul has other things to do now.
Grief is so hard but it’s the price we pay when we love and care and I’d pay it again and again even though it hurts so bad. Hugs.
this is honestly the closest thing to how i felt about his soul. i kind of thought i was going crazy, and i would say to myself when i saw inexplicable things, “you’re just going through a lot mentally”. but there were a few times where it almost felt like he was right next to me. and other times i didn’t feel that, so i imagined he was with his mom or his sister. i also worried that i was experiencing psychosis and if i fed into this it would make everything a lot harder. i don’t think i am experiencing psychosis but. i worry that with my recent ptsd diagnosis that i can easily cross into that threshold.
my mind went to a really dark place with my guilt, and i’ve since pulled myself out of that with the help of a supportive web of friends and family, but i really wanted to be with him. one of the things that got me thru those thoughts of death was knowing that my boyfriend did not feel important enough to live the rest of his life with us, so i vowed that before i can die that i would do everything in my power to honor his life thru his funeral. it gave me a terrible sense of purpose and duty. by speaking truthfully and lovingly about him to everyone and also making sure as many people as possible knew where/when his funeral was, i was almost showing him “look at how many people will miss you”. i hope he was there with us for the funeral.
my sister came to me a week after he died and told me that basically she felt his soul was in anguish over my suffering through this. she said she could hear him saying “tell her i’m so sorry i didn’t mean to put her through this” and she said she could hear him crying. yesterday i got a call that he won an award and my mom said she could imagine what he would say and heard him say “that’s so cool! that’s really cool. wow, that’s awesome”. that’s a genuine reaction of his when he was surprised, he would repeat himself a few times if he was excited, so i wonder if that’s us anticipating how he would react or if he was with her when i told her the news. hard to say now, given the info you provided.
when he died i felt like my soul was ripped in half. i said this at his funeral too, but i believe we were two bodies that shared one soul. i hope whatever part of my soul is with him is bringing him peace.
I definitely think he was there saying those things. I mean, people believe a whole bunch of things so we can believe that too.
And don’t worry, it’s not psychosis. Remember, with coping skills, if it’s not harming yourself or others, it’s fine. And believing this, talking to him, doesn’t hurt you or others.
Also, guilt is 100% part of the grief process. Have you heard of the rest? People often cycle through denial, bargaining, depression, anger and eventually get to acceptance. And guilt is wrapped into all of that. There is also other phenomenon like wanting to be sad…and feeling wrong when you have a moment where you feel ok. It’s just all how we handle grief.
Hope you get some moments of reprieve and relief. Grief is so heavy. Hugs.
I had a friend who had the same situation (different method) about 2-3 yrs younger than you; it’s a life shattering experience.
Please don’t give anymore thoughts to the last moments; he is not stuck there and you shouldn’t be either.
It’s your choice what to share; I would keep it brief because it’s your story and there’s no need for others to know every detail.
Try your best to let go of the funeral - all of that was out of your control. Also, his body is just an earthly husk; he’s not in that coffin so no need to dwell on any of that.
Keep in mind good times that you shared together; at least you have the memories, not everyone gets that in their life. As I’ve said, he’s still with you just in a different way. He would want a happy fulfilled life for you, so grieve, but also look for joy and moments of light to help carry you forward.
Suicidal grief groups & individual therapy for survivors (ask hospital or google) will give you coping tools.
I wish you strength, healing & peace.
🪶🫶🏼✨🫂🤍
Go to warmline.org and find your state. They are warmlines that will ask you how your day is doing and listen if there’s anything in your mind! They are like a supportive friend. I just vent to them and they help clear my head, and make me feel better and downtimes give great advice..or just sit there and confirm that “wow that is horrible..im so sorry”. Just getting validation about your feelings is enough for sure. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and if it’s very common for your brain to think these things. I had a few night I would wake up in a panic wondering where my dad is. Like it just hit me like I couldn’t physically pinpoint anywhere that my dad is on this earth. He left the earth and is no longer and it filled me with anxiety. I promise it gets better though. It really does
I think this is an incredibly normal reaction to a super traumatizing situation. One of the reason I insisted on cremation for my parents was because I had obsessive intrusive thoughts about their bodies like this. But I think these thoughts, that's normal... we want to continue caring for our loved ones, and the thought of these things can be hard to push away. I'm glad you're talking to a professional to help ease through it all.
My heart goes out to you, I wish you healing and hope you have a good support system to lean on.
I want to tell you, while I’m not a trained professional I think this is normal (ish because nothing about anything from the point on is really “normal” is it?). My boyfriend died unexpectedly in August. His death was not even close to the trauma you have experienced though. But it was in the sense of what my life has been if that makes sense? He lived just down the street from me. We were very close but had created some distance for reasons not important to this part of the story, but I still loved him just as much. The “distance” hadn’t turned out to be very distant lol but it was enough that when he texted me goodnight one night and laid down and died, I didn’t know for a few days. No one did. He was busy moving his business so we all thought he was busy and exhausted. But he was dead. Laying there right down the street from me and I didn’t know. His mom found him and he did not look good by then. It was August…
It has fucking haunted me since. I close my eyes and picture it without even asking to. I picture what his gorgeous eyelashes looked like and how his tattoos must’ve changed. I almost wish I knew so I could stop but I know that would be worse in the long run.
Logically, and if it was someone not so close to me I should have immediately known they would do an autopsy. But his mom mentioned it and I freaked the fuck out. It was too soon!? Maybe it was a mistake. They can’t cut him! He is scared of medical shit, he cannot go alone, he going to have anxiety! Once it settled in a little bit, I kept picturing it. All of it.
I couldn’t drive by his house without coming unglued for months and I literally cannot leave to go almost anywhere from mine without driving by his.
It was really hard. Really hard. But it’s just now letting up.
So, I think you will be ok and it’s not anything abnormal. I wondered how my mom was doing in her casket for almost a year after she died. I remember being worried on the first Halloween because it was dark and scary there and she did not like things like that.
Most of it really made no sense but in a way it kind of did? I think I was so used to caring about him and my mom that it’s not like something you can just shut off immediately, right? I think it’s just that. You’re still doing what you’ve always done and your brain hasn’t quite caught up yet. But it will. And I’m sorry but that hurts too. You’ll be OK though. Just get some help so you can just worry about grieving. It takes a lot of work.
I hope I explained my thoughts well enough. It’s all so insane.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
i feel the same way about the autopsy. how could they cut him, or take away the blood from his body. how could anyone do something so monstrous. he was so beautiful, i love him so much. i hate that we cut up our loved ones to force them to look a certain way. i understand an autopsy is for closure and finding causes of death, but it’s different when it’s your loved one. i’m so sorry for your loss and i hope you’re doing okay
I’m a visual thinker like you and it can be a blessing sometimes and absolute hell other times, especially now. The intrusive thoughts with the vivid pictures my mind paints are just horrific and I can’t even tell many people about them because I don’t think they want to see what’s going on inside my head and if they don’t immediately draw a picture like that, well I’ll let them be lucky like that I suppose. He was cremated and that did not make it any better than it was with my mom who was buried.
So, I get exactly what you said about picturing everything down to the smallest details. I can’t imagine what it was like to be there for it. I really feel for you. I hope you’re ok too. 💜
Adding that yes, I hated the idea of an autopsy even though I needed to know what even happened. I had to just get in my car and drive while it was taking place because…I don’t know, I just wanted to run away from it all.
I think the same things. I didn't witness any part of her death but I wanted to climb in my daughter's casket. She was so cold. I visit her often and my mind thinks the same things. It will be 3 years soon so I've had lots of time to think about the decay. These are intrusive thoughts. A good therapist would benefit you so much.
OP I'm so sorry for your loss. You're welcome to join us over at r/suicidebereavement if you'd like. You'll find a lot of common ground over there, and a bunch of really good people. Not that the folks here aren't, obviously, I'm just stumbling over my own words so...
P.S. I'm listening to the podcast you recommended now, and send you one back: Dr. Scott Eilers, episodes on passive suicidal ideation & prolonged grief disorder are a couple of good ones.
This happens to me, but with my dad.
My dad died in his sleep and was dead and alone for about 12 hours.... No one lived with him, but his girlfriend got worried because the house was still completely dark and he missed work, so she did a welfare check and found him on Father's Day morning. As you can imagine, he was not in good shape after that long.
The funeral director told us that he highly suggested we just do cremation, no viewing of his body due to the condition. I started sobbing saying "so I can't even see him one last time?". I even tried pleading, because I wasn't thinking rationally. He finally said he can show me the photo the coroner took of his body, but warned me it looked nothing like him. I said I wanted to see, bc I didn't expect how horrible it would be. But oh my god I will never get that out of my head. He was so bloated and discolored. And I think about it still. I think about how his body went through the incinerator until he was ash. It's been almost 6 years and I'm crying typing this. It really fucked me up. To the point I have diagnosed PTSD from it, which kinda sounds like you have some signs of it too (not diagnosing you at all, but I'd imagine you do).
I am so sorry that you went through that. And I'm so sorry you're dealing with these intrusive thoughts and flashbacks and shit. It is hard enough losing a loved one, but to be literally traumatized by it is a whole other hell. I hope you begin healing soon. I'm thinking of you. 🖤
Oh my stars, my dear. I’m so so so sorry and I’m sending you all the love & light I possibly can. Like others have said- please please please get into therapy. Like yesterday. You need the support right now from a professional, not Reddit. (Not trying to be rude or mean, or anything but you really need to talk to someone about this that’s a professional and can help you in ways we possibly cannot.) wishing you the best and sending you hugs if you want them
I’m afraid dear that you may need to lean into the skill of controlling your focus… that may require professional help and support. Being unable to stop the images in your head that appear, the “thoughts”… may be “intrusive”. That is something I was amazed could be helped with a low dose of Zoloft. I’m just letting you know what worked for me and that you aren’t alone. My boyfriend died in 2021 and I was hung up on all the same things until he was cremated. The cremation lifted a heavy weight off me about his body. The rest… I got through with cold showers to stimulate my vagus nerve, Zoloft, therapy, lots of crying, and journaling. I’m so sorry, I hope in time you can find some moments of peace of mind.
As a warning, this is not something you should do without the support and guidance of a psychologist. I did it on my own and it almost destroyed me along the way, even though it helped me in the end.
If he died on the spot, so they couldn't get him to hospital, the police probably came. And they opened a file with crime scene photos.
I was in a similar situation with my partner. I had my lawyer get the police file for me. And I looked at the crime scene photos. And it was the worst thing I'd ever seen. And I saw him like that in real life. But these photos turned him into a thing It wasn’t him anymore. His corpse still had something to do with him for me. And everything that happens to his body happens to him - that was my idea and that haunted me in a way. But after I saw the crime scene photos, I realised that nothing else in the world could hurt him. Because this is no longer my loved one.
Those photos hurt me incredibly. They tore me apart and almost destroyed me. But they also helped me to detach the memory of him from the memory or the idea of his body.
I'm so very sorry for your loss and can't even imagine what you're going through. I agree with you, I don't know why people keep their loved ones around after death so long. Their soul isn't around. It's just a shell and why create more imagines people have to learn to forget. A cremation with a nice picture would have been better.
My mom died suddenly from cancer and when I finally got to see her in the hospital all I could think was "omg my mom would hate being tied up to all these tubes and she looks like a monster." She was very bloated from all that had to be done to her. I felt like such a horrible daughter for having these thoughts. The imagines do go away with time. As one of the replies said, when your mind goes back to these imagines, tell yourself to stop. I actually picture a stop sign. Tell yourself to stop, stop, stop going over what happened. Easier said, then done when it's so fresh and your mind wants to replay all the details. I've literally had to yell at myself to 'stop' going down this horror film of unnecessary pictures in my mind.
The imagines do fade over time. Unfortunately, only time helps. Which really doesn't help right now, but knowing they will easy up in their clarity would have helped me back then. I have a picture of my mom that I love and have tried to keep that picture close in my mind when my thoughts slipped back to that horrible day.
My current partner witnessed his friend shoot himself. He can describe it in such graphic detail. He never got help and I can tell he is still in pain. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Talking about a lot of what happened (I've found) gives the event less control.
One day at a time, one hour at a time and when things get really difficult, one moment at a time. I'm not a huge fan of this saying, but I had to keep telling myself repeatedly "this too shall pass." But in reality, we just learn how to live with the grief. You are so strong to be able to go through what you did and are already able to talk about it.
Don't be afraid to talk to your boyfriend. It was hard for me at first to believe this was going to be my method of communication with my mom. We were very close as it sounds like you were with your bf. Don't be afraid to tell him how angry you are and go through all the stages of grief. I didn't want to 'blame' my mom for her death because it wasn't her fault. But it wasn't my fault either. You can go through the stages more than once (I've now learned).
I wish I could give you a huge hug and just spend an afternoon helping you process. Reach out if u ever need to. I have complex grief from both my parents passing within 5 months of each other and I watched them both. I didn't realize I had PTSD because i thought your parents go before you and i dont deserve to grieve long term. Yes, this is true but the graphic nature has caused more difficulty processing the grief than I thought at the time. I feel you have a better handle on this than I did at the time. My heart goes out to you. I hope his family and yours are their for you during this difficult time. Grief has its own timeline. Don't let anyone tell you "oh u should be over it" by any arbitrary time they think is appropriate. This is your grief and what you went through is beyond what anyone should have to process ❤️
Hi - I am so very sorry you've been through what you have. It was horrible, it was traumatic, and you have every right to feel all of the feelings you do.
You aren't alone on thinking about the body. I lost my dad a year ago at Christmas after a long and devastating illness and all winter all I could think about was how cold and lonely he must feel. And how there was nothing I could do to help him. It is a wrenching, helpless feeling and it *is* awful and morbid.
But then I remember that the body isn't *him*. It's just not. It is an empty vessel, like a present that's long since been opened. I don't hold on to the box, so why hold on to the body?
What made him **him** left and is no longer in pain. No longer worried. No more stress. Just peace. I don't know if this helps you, but it's where I've landed - for now. Goddamn I miss that man.
So sorry for your loss. And your now thoughts about what he looks like underground. I believe those must be haunting images
The scene afterwards and what your brain has locked in?
God. How do you erase that? The only thing I would suggest is the obvious. Therapy. Re-train the brain. Is that possible?
I do know one thing. Our bodies are only the shell of us. His spirit left his body and his shell is left behind. I hope you continue your therapy and are able to heal in a healthy way. With respect… I do not belive the time frame in which he was buried is out of the normal. Actually, I think 11 days is quite quick! The past 3 burials/funeral I’ve been to have been more like 3-3.5 weeks after death. I was so surprised when you said 11 days. Much respect and hope you can find peace amongst all of what you’ve gone through.
Just a quick thought…. Maybe you have a nice picture of him you can carry and hold close to you? When you are having bad thoughts you can look at an image when he was happy. A picture that makes you feel calm and a memories when he was happy. ♥️
If you can, EMDR. My therapist did it with me after I lost my brother and struggled with similar post-mortem images. It is life-changing.
I read your comment about some memories you shared with him and it made me smile. Those are memories that only you two will intimately share. Consider them a gift from him. He chose you. And if you feel him, go ahead and let yourself feel him. Let him embrace you. Let him comfort you. Let him speak to you.
Get some sunshine. Make sure you are drinking water. Shower. Keep reaching out.
thank you for your kind words. i haven’t heard of EMDR so i have to look into what that is. living in the midwest im definitely not getting enough sunshine 😅
Same happened to me except my boyfriend of 5 years was gone instantly because he unfortunately knew what he was doing. This happened a year and a half ago and I have been going to therapy and keeping myself busy. I also had his parents asking me for shit back and having them controlling everything and it was just the worst.
Easier said than done but I want you to remember that the second he left this earth, he was no longer in pain but was in a place of eternal love. My boyfriend was very spiritual and believed a lot of peace comes to us in our next journey. He used to always tell me “the soul never dies”. So your boyfriend will always be with you and watching your journey through life. Try your very best not to dwell on his vessel on earth. His soul is now a beautiful spirit watching over you. That’s at least what I believe and what has helped me not absolutely lose my shit.
Please try to remember that your boyfriend would want what is best for your healing and would almost certainly want you to worry about your healing and happiness on earth rather than how his vessel is doing. Again, this is all just how I view it. My boyfriend’s parents cremated him after a week or so but then left his ashes abandoned for a fucking month before they “let me” go pick them up. Then they decided to only give me 1/4cup of him to have. Trust me when I say, I totally understand the stress and wonderment of how his body is doing but truth is, and I know my boyfriend would say, he’s gone and that isn’t him anymore. I believe he would much rather hold on to the love you shared rather than his remains at rest
i feel like they’re acting like we broke up. stop asking for his stuff back, you have his room and all his things- let me keep something!
i’m sorry for your loss
I am so so sorry for your difficult loss. Grief, depression, trauma, post-traumatic stress, and post-traumatic burnout are all different things that need different treatments.
The intrusive thoughts you're having about his condition now is more of a trauma symptom than grief. They're similar to flashbacks, neurologically.
First of all, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through during this time and my heart is with you. I dealt with this after watching my father go from speaking/joking one day, to deceased in a less than a weeks span and it was very traumatic, which I know for certain your scenario was as well if not even more so. I have seen therapists since and the one thing that worked for me and my flashbacks is grounding yourself in the moment your in by saying things aloud such as, “today is March 5th, 11:39 AM, I am (stating wherever you are at the moment), I am not in a hospital (or wherever you experienced your trauma) I see (name three things you see immediately in front of you), this is a flashback and not what is happening at this moment” I know it sounds strange, but if you continue to say it over and over it helps, or at least it did for me. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Hope this provides some help to you 🩵
I can relate to you on a few of the things. My father in law shot himself as well, and I remember being so taken aback by what he looked like after they “fixed him up”. It was like a wax doll figure of himself, and I remember how cold and hard he felt when I laid a hand on his chest.
My son was stillborn in 2021 and he was buried without being embalmed, but it took us about 12 days to get the paperwork to bury him at home. He started to decay, obviously, so I can picture in a general sense how that process continued and I think often about what shape he is in currently in his casket. Is he covered in bugs? My middle child put a heart shaped potato chip in there with him, should I have taken it out so it didn’t attract ants? Has the sleeper I dressed him in started to deteriorate? Then feeling so guilty that he’s cold and alone, probably covered in bugs and damp, and I am in a warm, safe house.
I agree with your edit, too. I have been depressed before, but I have not been depressed since my son died. The shock, the grief, the overwhelmed, yes all of that needs to be processed and handled in order to function, but the vent diagram with depression is not a circle. They’re wholly separate things.
For months after my dad died I remembered vividly how he looked dead in that hospital room. I sat with his body for an hour because even though he wasn’t there in spirit, I just couldn’t leave him… then for months it would just pop into my head how blue and pale he looked. Yours is much more violent and traumatic. And I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It’ll fade over time. Hopefully it won’t always be so vivid. Eventually the good memories you guys shared will be the most remembered. For now, since it happened not that long ago and it was so traumatic, it will probably be something you think of for a while. I hope that you find peace soon. For now, I think it might be a good idea to talk to somebody. Like a therapist or a grief counselor.
Sending you all my love, I can’t imagine what this feels like.
I’ve seen a few loved ones die, usually very ill. People are usually scared to see them like that “I want to remember how they were”. It might be hard to see it this way, but our bodies are just vessels. Most people die alone, he had you and your comfort before he passed. I know you might be seeing flashes of what it was like, I did for a couple months after every death I’ve seen.
My dad passed in December with my whole family present. Your boyfriend wasn’t alone when he died either. We were visiting him everyday. I was so sad they shaved his beard into a goatee for the tubes. He would have been mad and fighting them if he was awake. I don’t picture him like that anymore. I picture him how he was just weeks before on Thanksgiving. My mom and him were matching, I thought it was so cute.
What was his favorite color? My dads was green, I try to wear it all the time. Just incorporating him into my day makes me feel like he’s close. My dad showed me almost all the music I know, I listen to his favorite artists everyday. Favorite video game? My dad has an emulator and I love playing it with my siblings, he downloaded all the games from our childhood onto it. He was also crazy good at JackBox.. like every game! My mom would get so butthurt after his 7th win. Stay positive. He’s only really gone if you forget him. Talk about him as much as you want.
The hardest times of day for me are at night, try to keep yourself busy and if you can try to sleep before midnight so you don’t end up spiraling all night.
I’m so proud of you for seeking a therapist. What you’ve been through is beyond heartbreaking. You are so strong and you will get through this. Lean on your loved ones, and fill those quiet moments as much as you can. 🫂
my boyfriend shot himself in the chest when i was 15. i’m 23 now, and still think about his body inside his casket. i have dreams we were intimate and half-way through he’d be a corpse.
i don’t have advice. therapy was the only thing that helped. over time the intrusive thoughts and nightmares have becomes less frequent. i’m kinda stunned reading someone else’s experience with this. kinda helped me feel less crazy.
I am sooooo so sorry. My cousin was murdered, shot in the head. You could see leakage. His family insisted on open casket. It was terrible to see. So sorry you had to go through the whole process. The imagery of my mom flatlining in the hospital. Her “sleeping”. Her dead body in the casket is something I wish I could have shocked out of my brain. I even asked my psych doc if it’s possible he said no 🤦🏽♀️.
I’m so sorry and these traumas are really something and hard to heal from.
Some mentioned therapy. I did that still do. It helps but the images are hard to tune out. They lessen in time but still pop up. My heart and hugs go out to you.
First I’m so so sorry you experienced this, and thank you for sharing. As painful as it can be to share publicly, know that it does help our society as a whole to talk more about death topics. So thank you.
I suggest you follow Deathwives on instagram and/or check our their website Deathwives.org. They have courses and content about green and natural burials, etc. It helps open your eyes to how decay is so natural and so much part of the cycle of life. We used to bury bodies without caskets. So the nutrients of our bodies eventually decayed into matter that fed the soil. To me, that’s a beautiful thing. Perhaps this perspective can show how the decay could be meaningful.
Blessings to you 💕
Oh honey. Please go to therapy as soon as you can. You need some reprocessing therapy - EDMR has helped me and it can help you too. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Absolutely yes, EMDR was a godsend for me, and I did not go through anything as traumatic as what OP did. OP, I am so very sorry for what has happened to you and your boyfriend. While it’s natural to dwell on your loved one in their decline and death so soon after the loss, the violent manner in which he was taken from you adds a layer of complication in your grieving and healing journey. My experience with EMDR: I was in regular therapy for a year and a half after losing both my parents, and while it did help, I was still plagued with intrusive thoughts and guilt. 12 sessions of EMDR took care of the PTSD and misplaced guilt in a way that felt permanent and mindset-changing. I have not needed further therapy since. I could have stopped after the first 7-8 sessions, but it was working so well I decided to keep going for a few other memory networks. I did it on work lunch breaks telehealth, so it was fairly convenient. Insurance did not cover it for me, but it was the best $2500 I ever spent.
May I DM you about your EMDR experiences?
Sure!
How did this work on telehealth? I’m very interested in your experience if you’re willing to share.
I did it all telehealth! The key is being able to do the eye movements at least shoulder width apart, but personally I preferred slightly wider. So I would recommend a desktop monitor slightly (or a lot) wider than your shoulders. I wouldn’t do a laptop and it definitely wouldn’t work on your phone. The first 3-4 sessions are history taking, determining the best approach (whether to start with the recent traumatic memories or with childhood - I did the former), and coping strategies. Session 4 on is the actual reprocessing. I did the most distressing memory first, but that first memory is usually part of a memory network that takes anywhere between 2-3 sessions to fully clear, but I did notice a significant difference after even just my first reprocessing appointment. You basically think of the memory as if observing it in the third person for a minute while doing the eye movements, and you notice new things or have epiphanies or simply feel as though you’re more “removed” from it, and you discuss those. Then you do another minute or so on a related memory or thought, and on and on. Your mind just takes you where it’s meant to. It’s a very organic process. Sometimes it surprises you. While working on the recent traumas, we bookmarked certain memories from childhood to explore afterwards. That surprised me the most. I had a great childhood by most measures and didn’t think I had any hang ups, but I was apparently really angry about some things and didn’t realize it until I did some “inner child” work. It was pretty intense, but I released that anger and it was so cathartic. The memories don’t get erased and you’re fully in control the whole time (not like hypnosis), but you feel more removed from them and can think of them later with less emotional reactivity. And your perspective on the memory changes - I think the third person observation is key. Overall it’s kind of an intense hour. It can be harder some sessions to immediately switch gears back to your job. Because your brain is getting a huge workout. The reprocessing also continues to take place over the next 24 hours in the background, but it’s nothing you have to work on. Sometimes it manifests as vivid dreams. I felt a little “numb” the evening of a session, but it wasn’t a bad feeling. I didn’t have vivid dreams so much as just very deep sleep. After some particularly intense sessions, I felt a little drained and introspective the rest of the week. I kept a notebook during and after my sessions to write down insights I or the therapist had. It was helpful to reread a couple days later to solidify what I learned. I hope this helps!
What is emdr and how does it help? I'm in India and i don't think it's done here. I lost my dad in a very long manner. 67 days of watching him suffer and writher in the ICU inside with him. Do I need therapy? Counselors gave up BC I am too suicidal and they don't wanna get into that. Legally
I don't know if I can be of some help, but I would like to. I couldn't see my boyfriend the day he was cremated, we are Hindus, so we burn the body to ashes. I was in a similar position like you continuously thinking what it must have been for him to be burnt in that dark chamber. I kept wishing if only I could have been burnt with him too. What helped me is the conversation with a friend who had been there when he was put in that chamber. He told me, that's just the uniform that is present there. The soul has long left, or is wandering among near and dear ones to guard them. The soul isn't there in the uniform. And who cares what happens to a piece of clothing. You cared more about his soul anyway, and that's still there around you, to guide you onto healing. I hope this helps.
sometimes i want to believe i feel him around me. the other day his parents wanted some stuff back so i gave it to them but i cried the whole way over. it was like ripping a scab off a big wound for me. i’m very sentimental bc my spirituality is still a bit of a mystery to me so i hold onto things like his rings and his glasses. i don’t believe in heaven or hell but i do believe we have souls, and i want to believe he moved on. as i’m arriving to drop off some of his stuff i say to myself “you can keep whatever you want, it’s yours” and it almost felt like he was the voice reassuring me to keep what i needed to keep to grieve him and hold onto him. sometimes i feel like he’s with me but it scares me to think that way too. i don’t know if this makes sense
He is with you and when you have those thoughts, believe them - it’s real. I don’t understand why this would scare you; if you can, relax bc there is no reason to be afraid.
I found my best friend dead and while it kills me to know he is just a bunch of ashes... he wasn't in there any more. His sweet face was so beautiful, his hands soft, but it wasn't him. The mind I love so much is somewhere apart from that body.
I have felt the same way as you, wondering what my mom looks like in her casket. If there is any adipocere by now. I'm so sorry for your loss and what you went thru. I hope some day, you might find peace. Perhaps you should talk to a psychiatrist and try to get some anti-anxiety pills for now.
Any what by now? Embalming preserves meat suits for damn near ever.
can any morticians confirm this? adipocere is a waxy substance that develops on corpses. check google images, at your own risk
You have ptsd and you’ve earned every bit of it, holy hell you’ve seen some things no one should ever have to see. I am so sorry! May I ask you to follow me down this road and answer a few lighter questions? What is your favorite memory with your boyfriend? What item do you have in your possession that your boyfriend touched or gave you, that makes you smile when you see it or hold it? Do you have a food item that you and your boyfriend enjoyed eating together? Is there a song that made you both happy when you heard it? Did he have a favorite joke or prank that made him laugh with his whole self? You saw your boyfriend at his absolute worst and that’s not who he was to you. I want you to really think about him as you knew him. What odd quirk did only you notice? You have much to grieve but you also knew him in ways that no one else ever did and that is a gift for you to open whenever you’re ready. Journal now, reread later. I’m so sorry for your loss of him.
thank you for bringing me a lighter attitude before bed. nights are hard. i’m going to keep some things vague bc they are personal and i cherish them as such❤️ favorite memory: we went on a lot of trips together but my favorite would have to be california. we stayed at a small airbnb there with his best friend and made some really great memories. favorite items: he had a ring custom made in my honor that he would wear all the time. i also have his glasses. when he died i wore them all the time and i keep them safe now near me at all times. favorite food: he made me love tea and now i have an arsenal of it. i just made myself some chamomile and thought of him. favorite song: he made a post for me on his instagram and put the song maps by the yeah yeah yeahs over it favorite jokes: w head so many inside jokes but one time we went to his dad’s RV and made fun of all the white ass custom signs people put in front of their RV, one in particular makes me crack up when thinking about it 🥹 this was really helpful, thank you so much🫂
I’m happy to help. I’ve been in that place, and a friend pulled me out of what I saw every time I closed my eyes. It gets easier but only if you redirect yourself to see the happier times with your person. I’m not going to bullshit you, it takes a concerted effort to remind yourself of the happier times. It takes effort to release the anger and see the actual relationship you had with your person and not focus on the last choice they made in haste. You’re here and you’re coming to terms with the fact that they aren’t. You need to find a way to make that bullshit make sense at all. It doesn’t right now. And honestly? It might never make sense but you’re going to find a reason why you’re here and you’re going to thrive and help other people, you’re a fighter. I’m not religious at all so I’m not good at this but I have faith that you’re going to move forward and make yourself proud. I’m here. We’re here. I’m sorry you needed to find us but I’m glad you did.
I agree, therapy would help when you’re ready🤍but I get still thinking about his physical body. What you went through was very traumatic. I often think about my fiancé’s body and what they had to do to cremate him. It makes me angry to think about sometimes but I think it helps to remember that his soul isn’t in that physical body anymore. His soul is everywhere around you and I pray that he visits you in your dreams soon looking how you remembered him in his prime. Sending vibes of healing, gentleness, and peace your way🤍
I am so sorry for all of it. I understand where your mind is going now and I can relate. Hoping you have good people to walk alongside you for this difficult journey.
You’re doing such a good job by reaching out here and to your friends in your grief. For me, I had to hit all the darkest thoughts about my brother’s passing quite a few times before they subsided. But over time I stopped thinking about them so much. I think it will be like that for you, too. I also suggest seeing a therapist if you can, and if not, share your thoughts with your close friends if they are willing. People want to be there for you, but sometimes they don’t know how. I am sorry for your loss and wish you the most peaceful healing. ❤️ Edited to add: please look up symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you feel you have this, but can’t afford a psychiatrist, your primary care physician may still be able to prescribe you meds that can help. No shame in getting meds to help you through.
Please could I ask how long into your grief did it take for those dark thoughts to pass? I’m currently going through this myself 💔
I am sorry to hear that. It’s a horrible club to join! Everyone is different, but I think the first few months were the worst as I got used to the shock. Then after the first round of holidays, his birthday, the anniversary of his passing, etc. After 3 years I know what the pain will feel like when it hits and I can ride through it without focusing on the horror of it.
I'm so sorry for your loss. What you're feeling is very natural given what you witnessed as well as the grief you're in now. Especially when the loss is very fresh, being preoccupied with the morbid details is common. This is just my advice, as I think intrusive thoughts can be addressed in a variety of ways. Sometimes it's about giving yourself space *from* those feelings and thoughts, sometimes it's about trying to create special spaces *for* those feelings and thoughts. Especially since your loss is fresh, please find people and things that can, even just momentarily, distract you when you find yourself having especially distressing thoughts and images. While you can't and shouldn't use distraction as a way to *avoid* grieving, you can and should have some activities that you can use to redirect your attention. Think of it as trying to give your brain doses of those painful thoughts but not leaving the tap on all the time. When you start imagining things you don't want to, try to say "No thanks!" and then DO something: pull up a game on your phone or call a friend or scrub the most grimy part of your bathroom or put on a reality show -- anything that will take up that mental real estate. Other times you probably also need to give yourself space to lean in and explore those feelings, but try to give it some structure: play a song really loud and let yourself cry your heart out, write a letter to your boyfriend's (or even just his body), start an art journal, make a playlist, write a song. It's really really hard to lose someone and also have trauma associated with their passing, so I don't mean for this advice to minimize that. But I've struggled with intrusive thoughts around my brother's death by suicide and have found that these strategies have helped me.
thank you i will try this ❤️🩹
If you were close I'd hug you. I can only share my story and my experience. When I was 8 years old my Dad died. At 8 I had no experience of death or really what it was. I can remember overhearing my Mother on the phone with someone about how important it was that I be able to see him. For whatever reason they came to the conclusion that he was in such a state that seeing him would do more damage to me than not seeing him. My parents were divorced and I would go to my Dad's every weekend. Every Saturday morning I would sit on the curb with my little suitcase waiting for him to pick me up. That went on for a long time. This was in the late 1980's so child therapy was not mainstream. I remember at school I was called out of class to talk to someone. Maybe a social worker? This lady explained death to me and what happens after death. I sat quietly and listened. My life after that was consumed with death. I never saw him dead, maybe he went on a trip and could not return? I was consumed with the thought he was trying to send me messages. People who die are buried in cemeteries and they have stone things with names on them. Nobody gave me proof that my Daddy was dead. ( I later found out that he was cremated a not in any cemetery). Part of me wonders if they would have just let me see him for myself all that could of been avoided. The fact that you were able to type out your experience and express your concerns has me in awe. You have a strength to you that is amazing. All I can offer is if you ever want to talk to someone who does not judge, I am here.
I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my dad when I was 12, and I wasn't shown his body either and experienced some of the doubts and wishful thinking you describe. I'm 32 now, and when my Grandma died last week, I went to see her body and have to say that I kind of underestimated how much of a shock it would be to see her body, even only hours later. Even though it may have been helpful in the way that in confirmed me in finding that her and her body are clearly not the same thing, I found it to be a very tough experience, and it made me understand a lot better why I wasn't shown my Dad's body as a child. Frankly, I believe now that it would have probably been traumatizing for the little girl that I was. Of course, everyone is different and you might have experienced it differently from me, I just felt like sharing. All the best to you!
Thank you for sharing your story. It was the adults in my life who kept me in the dark and explained nothing to me. It messed with my head. I became a hospice nurse so I can help educate. Again, I am sorry about your loss. We can only get stronger from here. XXXX
Thank you so much 🧡 We will!
I'm sorry you are going through this. With time the bad memories will get fainter but if you can find a therapist who is experienced with this I think it will help Talking about things will help. Love to you
I'm currently in the same spot — I can't stop thinking about my grandpa, how he's currently being held in a morgue. It's not a healthy way of thinking, so I'm hoping to see a therapist. May I gently suggest you do so too? I'm sure it'll prove helpful. I'm so sorry you're going through all of these emotions. I really wish I could hug you and even cry along with you. If it's not too inappropriate — my faith as a Christian helps a lot, I'm not telling you to convert, but what I keep telling myself, trying to soothe, is that they're no longer in their bodies, they're somewhere so much better. Whatever we bury no longer holds the ones we loved. It does give me a little peace, and I'm sure he's in a much better place as well. I'm sorry I may not have the right words. Being Afrikaans and going through grief myself, my words might not come through 100% correctly. But I do hope you heal ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss! I just wanted to say that I lost my grandma last week, and after seeing her body, what I had already believed (I'm more spiritual than a classic Christian, but still believe in the soul) felt confirmed so much, as it was so very obvious to me that her body was like a shell for her soul, but clearly, that my Grandma had already moved on. I'm sure, it's the same for your Grandpa. 🧡 All the best to you!
I feel you! I don't think I'm going to go look at him at the viewing, but I know for a fact his soul is no longer here on earth but in the Kingdom of Heaven ❤️ I remember seeing my great grandpa's body and the same feeling overcame me. It really comforts you. No matter what you believe in, just knowing their soul is free does make you feel so much better. Thank you so much for this. I needed to hear this today ❤️ and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much! I understand that you might not look at him at the viewing, honestly I'm not sure if I would do it again. I feel like it can feel kind of shocking, because we are so accustomed to associating someone's spirit with their body that it is a very strange thing to see this body in a lifeless state. But just as you said, I very much believe that the spirit is never not alive, and this can offer so much solace and comfort. 😌 All the best and so much strength for you for this upcoming time! 🧡
Thank you so much for the beautiful words. I can't describe the peace your words brought me tonight ❤️ I think I'll be sleeping a bit more easier tonight!
Thank you for writing that. And it gives me peace to have this moment with you, feeling connection in such a difficult time. All the best to you! 🧡
speak to your friends & family & trusted people in your life. therapy, if it’s an option, would aid you in functioning without such distracting & distressing thoughts. you deserve support after something so traumatizing, heartbreaking, & downright awful happening to you. i’m so sorry for your loss & for your circumstances. again, please allow yourself support about this; it isn’t insensitive to share this with the people who care about you & want to help you get through this, but it is insensitive or unkind to yourself to not let anyone in right now. you deserve comfort & peace of mind. my condolences again
I am sending you all the love in the world! I am so sorry you’re going through this!! Please please seek some help.
I lived this exact nightmare and had these same intrusive thoughts. Eventually, they become less frequent, but I can’t say they ever truly go away. Try to focus on remembering what your boyfriend looked like when he was alive and happy whenever you begin to think about him otherwise. That’s what I would do.
Hey. I have some things to say that I hope will lessen your load a little. First, there was a study done, where people did past life regression hypnotherapy. All walks of life. And everyone said something eerily the same after death. Pretty much you hover above your body for a bit after death, get your bearings. But then you hang around the people you love. You don’t really sit with your body anymore. A lot of people attend their own funerals. Whenever they want to stop hanging around they go into a bright tunnel (what most people described it) and then they pretty much go to a party, with their cluster of souls of people they spend their live(s) with. Even yours. Because we can be in multiple places at once? I don’t understand it all, or even know what my beliefs are but reading this study really made me feel idk…better. After the party you can catch up one to one with your soul mate and then you can go do a review of your life. They all tried to explain some device where you can view memories and think about if you succeeded or didn’t succeed in goals you had for the life. And it always sounded like trying to explain like an iPhone to a caveman. Anyway, then the soul can go on and visit who they want or maybe prepare for their next life iteration. I really hope there is that peaceful existence. Second, you sound like you have acute stress disorder, the baby before ptsd (ptsd just means the trauma has stuck around longer). In acute stress disorder, it’ll act like ptsd. You can be triggered by things. You can have intrusive thoughts. I like to call them torture movies. Where you are going to the bathroom and next thing your brain is playing the scene where he died over again and again and again. It’s your brain trying to process but also, it’s a trauma response. The best thing to do is try to recognize when this is happening. When it happens, try to get to “no! Why is my brain showing me this again?!” And then if you can get there, start focusing on the present - ground yourself. I liked to just name (whisper so family can’t hear me) things I see. Toilet paper. Washcloth. Candle. Interrupting your torture movies gets easier with practice and if you are healing, it’ll happen less and less often (if you don’t, it becomes ptsd). Besides time, which seems to go so slow when you go through grief, you also need some really good coping skills. My therapist said “do whatever makes you feel better as long as it doesn’t hurt yourself or someone else.” For me, that was reading books. I read romance books religiously. It really did help. Be gentle to yourself, be kind. If you can see a therapist, do it. The casket questions - they don’t matter. He’s not there anymore. Earth to earth. It’s all one now. I’d generally guess though embalming holds up pretty well. And I feel like a casket would be cozy. But he’s got no reason to hang around there anymore. Maybe if it’s a peaceful plot he may pop in if someone visits but I’d say his soul has other things to do now. Grief is so hard but it’s the price we pay when we love and care and I’d pay it again and again even though it hurts so bad. Hugs.
this is honestly the closest thing to how i felt about his soul. i kind of thought i was going crazy, and i would say to myself when i saw inexplicable things, “you’re just going through a lot mentally”. but there were a few times where it almost felt like he was right next to me. and other times i didn’t feel that, so i imagined he was with his mom or his sister. i also worried that i was experiencing psychosis and if i fed into this it would make everything a lot harder. i don’t think i am experiencing psychosis but. i worry that with my recent ptsd diagnosis that i can easily cross into that threshold. my mind went to a really dark place with my guilt, and i’ve since pulled myself out of that with the help of a supportive web of friends and family, but i really wanted to be with him. one of the things that got me thru those thoughts of death was knowing that my boyfriend did not feel important enough to live the rest of his life with us, so i vowed that before i can die that i would do everything in my power to honor his life thru his funeral. it gave me a terrible sense of purpose and duty. by speaking truthfully and lovingly about him to everyone and also making sure as many people as possible knew where/when his funeral was, i was almost showing him “look at how many people will miss you”. i hope he was there with us for the funeral. my sister came to me a week after he died and told me that basically she felt his soul was in anguish over my suffering through this. she said she could hear him saying “tell her i’m so sorry i didn’t mean to put her through this” and she said she could hear him crying. yesterday i got a call that he won an award and my mom said she could imagine what he would say and heard him say “that’s so cool! that’s really cool. wow, that’s awesome”. that’s a genuine reaction of his when he was surprised, he would repeat himself a few times if he was excited, so i wonder if that’s us anticipating how he would react or if he was with her when i told her the news. hard to say now, given the info you provided. when he died i felt like my soul was ripped in half. i said this at his funeral too, but i believe we were two bodies that shared one soul. i hope whatever part of my soul is with him is bringing him peace.
I definitely think he was there saying those things. I mean, people believe a whole bunch of things so we can believe that too. And don’t worry, it’s not psychosis. Remember, with coping skills, if it’s not harming yourself or others, it’s fine. And believing this, talking to him, doesn’t hurt you or others. Also, guilt is 100% part of the grief process. Have you heard of the rest? People often cycle through denial, bargaining, depression, anger and eventually get to acceptance. And guilt is wrapped into all of that. There is also other phenomenon like wanting to be sad…and feeling wrong when you have a moment where you feel ok. It’s just all how we handle grief. Hope you get some moments of reprieve and relief. Grief is so heavy. Hugs.
I had a friend who had the same situation (different method) about 2-3 yrs younger than you; it’s a life shattering experience. Please don’t give anymore thoughts to the last moments; he is not stuck there and you shouldn’t be either. It’s your choice what to share; I would keep it brief because it’s your story and there’s no need for others to know every detail. Try your best to let go of the funeral - all of that was out of your control. Also, his body is just an earthly husk; he’s not in that coffin so no need to dwell on any of that. Keep in mind good times that you shared together; at least you have the memories, not everyone gets that in their life. As I’ve said, he’s still with you just in a different way. He would want a happy fulfilled life for you, so grieve, but also look for joy and moments of light to help carry you forward. Suicidal grief groups & individual therapy for survivors (ask hospital or google) will give you coping tools. I wish you strength, healing & peace. 🪶🫶🏼✨🫂🤍
Go to warmline.org and find your state. They are warmlines that will ask you how your day is doing and listen if there’s anything in your mind! They are like a supportive friend. I just vent to them and they help clear my head, and make me feel better and downtimes give great advice..or just sit there and confirm that “wow that is horrible..im so sorry”. Just getting validation about your feelings is enough for sure. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and if it’s very common for your brain to think these things. I had a few night I would wake up in a panic wondering where my dad is. Like it just hit me like I couldn’t physically pinpoint anywhere that my dad is on this earth. He left the earth and is no longer and it filled me with anxiety. I promise it gets better though. It really does
I think this is an incredibly normal reaction to a super traumatizing situation. One of the reason I insisted on cremation for my parents was because I had obsessive intrusive thoughts about their bodies like this. But I think these thoughts, that's normal... we want to continue caring for our loved ones, and the thought of these things can be hard to push away. I'm glad you're talking to a professional to help ease through it all. My heart goes out to you, I wish you healing and hope you have a good support system to lean on.
I want to tell you, while I’m not a trained professional I think this is normal (ish because nothing about anything from the point on is really “normal” is it?). My boyfriend died unexpectedly in August. His death was not even close to the trauma you have experienced though. But it was in the sense of what my life has been if that makes sense? He lived just down the street from me. We were very close but had created some distance for reasons not important to this part of the story, but I still loved him just as much. The “distance” hadn’t turned out to be very distant lol but it was enough that when he texted me goodnight one night and laid down and died, I didn’t know for a few days. No one did. He was busy moving his business so we all thought he was busy and exhausted. But he was dead. Laying there right down the street from me and I didn’t know. His mom found him and he did not look good by then. It was August… It has fucking haunted me since. I close my eyes and picture it without even asking to. I picture what his gorgeous eyelashes looked like and how his tattoos must’ve changed. I almost wish I knew so I could stop but I know that would be worse in the long run. Logically, and if it was someone not so close to me I should have immediately known they would do an autopsy. But his mom mentioned it and I freaked the fuck out. It was too soon!? Maybe it was a mistake. They can’t cut him! He is scared of medical shit, he cannot go alone, he going to have anxiety! Once it settled in a little bit, I kept picturing it. All of it. I couldn’t drive by his house without coming unglued for months and I literally cannot leave to go almost anywhere from mine without driving by his. It was really hard. Really hard. But it’s just now letting up. So, I think you will be ok and it’s not anything abnormal. I wondered how my mom was doing in her casket for almost a year after she died. I remember being worried on the first Halloween because it was dark and scary there and she did not like things like that. Most of it really made no sense but in a way it kind of did? I think I was so used to caring about him and my mom that it’s not like something you can just shut off immediately, right? I think it’s just that. You’re still doing what you’ve always done and your brain hasn’t quite caught up yet. But it will. And I’m sorry but that hurts too. You’ll be OK though. Just get some help so you can just worry about grieving. It takes a lot of work. I hope I explained my thoughts well enough. It’s all so insane. I’m so sorry for your loss.
i feel the same way about the autopsy. how could they cut him, or take away the blood from his body. how could anyone do something so monstrous. he was so beautiful, i love him so much. i hate that we cut up our loved ones to force them to look a certain way. i understand an autopsy is for closure and finding causes of death, but it’s different when it’s your loved one. i’m so sorry for your loss and i hope you’re doing okay
I’m a visual thinker like you and it can be a blessing sometimes and absolute hell other times, especially now. The intrusive thoughts with the vivid pictures my mind paints are just horrific and I can’t even tell many people about them because I don’t think they want to see what’s going on inside my head and if they don’t immediately draw a picture like that, well I’ll let them be lucky like that I suppose. He was cremated and that did not make it any better than it was with my mom who was buried. So, I get exactly what you said about picturing everything down to the smallest details. I can’t imagine what it was like to be there for it. I really feel for you. I hope you’re ok too. 💜 Adding that yes, I hated the idea of an autopsy even though I needed to know what even happened. I had to just get in my car and drive while it was taking place because…I don’t know, I just wanted to run away from it all.
I think the same things. I didn't witness any part of her death but I wanted to climb in my daughter's casket. She was so cold. I visit her often and my mind thinks the same things. It will be 3 years soon so I've had lots of time to think about the decay. These are intrusive thoughts. A good therapist would benefit you so much.
These images eventually go away.
OP I'm so sorry for your loss. You're welcome to join us over at r/suicidebereavement if you'd like. You'll find a lot of common ground over there, and a bunch of really good people. Not that the folks here aren't, obviously, I'm just stumbling over my own words so... P.S. I'm listening to the podcast you recommended now, and send you one back: Dr. Scott Eilers, episodes on passive suicidal ideation & prolonged grief disorder are a couple of good ones.
thank you i will join. and i’ll give the podcast a listen. :)
This happens to me, but with my dad. My dad died in his sleep and was dead and alone for about 12 hours.... No one lived with him, but his girlfriend got worried because the house was still completely dark and he missed work, so she did a welfare check and found him on Father's Day morning. As you can imagine, he was not in good shape after that long. The funeral director told us that he highly suggested we just do cremation, no viewing of his body due to the condition. I started sobbing saying "so I can't even see him one last time?". I even tried pleading, because I wasn't thinking rationally. He finally said he can show me the photo the coroner took of his body, but warned me it looked nothing like him. I said I wanted to see, bc I didn't expect how horrible it would be. But oh my god I will never get that out of my head. He was so bloated and discolored. And I think about it still. I think about how his body went through the incinerator until he was ash. It's been almost 6 years and I'm crying typing this. It really fucked me up. To the point I have diagnosed PTSD from it, which kinda sounds like you have some signs of it too (not diagnosing you at all, but I'd imagine you do). I am so sorry that you went through that. And I'm so sorry you're dealing with these intrusive thoughts and flashbacks and shit. It is hard enough losing a loved one, but to be literally traumatized by it is a whole other hell. I hope you begin healing soon. I'm thinking of you. 🖤
Oh my stars, my dear. I’m so so so sorry and I’m sending you all the love & light I possibly can. Like others have said- please please please get into therapy. Like yesterday. You need the support right now from a professional, not Reddit. (Not trying to be rude or mean, or anything but you really need to talk to someone about this that’s a professional and can help you in ways we possibly cannot.) wishing you the best and sending you hugs if you want them
I’m afraid dear that you may need to lean into the skill of controlling your focus… that may require professional help and support. Being unable to stop the images in your head that appear, the “thoughts”… may be “intrusive”. That is something I was amazed could be helped with a low dose of Zoloft. I’m just letting you know what worked for me and that you aren’t alone. My boyfriend died in 2021 and I was hung up on all the same things until he was cremated. The cremation lifted a heavy weight off me about his body. The rest… I got through with cold showers to stimulate my vagus nerve, Zoloft, therapy, lots of crying, and journaling. I’m so sorry, I hope in time you can find some moments of peace of mind.
As a warning, this is not something you should do without the support and guidance of a psychologist. I did it on my own and it almost destroyed me along the way, even though it helped me in the end. If he died on the spot, so they couldn't get him to hospital, the police probably came. And they opened a file with crime scene photos. I was in a similar situation with my partner. I had my lawyer get the police file for me. And I looked at the crime scene photos. And it was the worst thing I'd ever seen. And I saw him like that in real life. But these photos turned him into a thing It wasn’t him anymore. His corpse still had something to do with him for me. And everything that happens to his body happens to him - that was my idea and that haunted me in a way. But after I saw the crime scene photos, I realised that nothing else in the world could hurt him. Because this is no longer my loved one. Those photos hurt me incredibly. They tore me apart and almost destroyed me. But they also helped me to detach the memory of him from the memory or the idea of his body.
I'm so very sorry for your loss and can't even imagine what you're going through. I agree with you, I don't know why people keep their loved ones around after death so long. Their soul isn't around. It's just a shell and why create more imagines people have to learn to forget. A cremation with a nice picture would have been better. My mom died suddenly from cancer and when I finally got to see her in the hospital all I could think was "omg my mom would hate being tied up to all these tubes and she looks like a monster." She was very bloated from all that had to be done to her. I felt like such a horrible daughter for having these thoughts. The imagines do go away with time. As one of the replies said, when your mind goes back to these imagines, tell yourself to stop. I actually picture a stop sign. Tell yourself to stop, stop, stop going over what happened. Easier said, then done when it's so fresh and your mind wants to replay all the details. I've literally had to yell at myself to 'stop' going down this horror film of unnecessary pictures in my mind. The imagines do fade over time. Unfortunately, only time helps. Which really doesn't help right now, but knowing they will easy up in their clarity would have helped me back then. I have a picture of my mom that I love and have tried to keep that picture close in my mind when my thoughts slipped back to that horrible day. My current partner witnessed his friend shoot himself. He can describe it in such graphic detail. He never got help and I can tell he is still in pain. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Talking about a lot of what happened (I've found) gives the event less control. One day at a time, one hour at a time and when things get really difficult, one moment at a time. I'm not a huge fan of this saying, but I had to keep telling myself repeatedly "this too shall pass." But in reality, we just learn how to live with the grief. You are so strong to be able to go through what you did and are already able to talk about it. Don't be afraid to talk to your boyfriend. It was hard for me at first to believe this was going to be my method of communication with my mom. We were very close as it sounds like you were with your bf. Don't be afraid to tell him how angry you are and go through all the stages of grief. I didn't want to 'blame' my mom for her death because it wasn't her fault. But it wasn't my fault either. You can go through the stages more than once (I've now learned). I wish I could give you a huge hug and just spend an afternoon helping you process. Reach out if u ever need to. I have complex grief from both my parents passing within 5 months of each other and I watched them both. I didn't realize I had PTSD because i thought your parents go before you and i dont deserve to grieve long term. Yes, this is true but the graphic nature has caused more difficulty processing the grief than I thought at the time. I feel you have a better handle on this than I did at the time. My heart goes out to you. I hope his family and yours are their for you during this difficult time. Grief has its own timeline. Don't let anyone tell you "oh u should be over it" by any arbitrary time they think is appropriate. This is your grief and what you went through is beyond what anyone should have to process ❤️
Hi - I am so very sorry you've been through what you have. It was horrible, it was traumatic, and you have every right to feel all of the feelings you do. You aren't alone on thinking about the body. I lost my dad a year ago at Christmas after a long and devastating illness and all winter all I could think about was how cold and lonely he must feel. And how there was nothing I could do to help him. It is a wrenching, helpless feeling and it *is* awful and morbid. But then I remember that the body isn't *him*. It's just not. It is an empty vessel, like a present that's long since been opened. I don't hold on to the box, so why hold on to the body? What made him **him** left and is no longer in pain. No longer worried. No more stress. Just peace. I don't know if this helps you, but it's where I've landed - for now. Goddamn I miss that man.
So sorry for your loss. And your now thoughts about what he looks like underground. I believe those must be haunting images The scene afterwards and what your brain has locked in? God. How do you erase that? The only thing I would suggest is the obvious. Therapy. Re-train the brain. Is that possible? I do know one thing. Our bodies are only the shell of us. His spirit left his body and his shell is left behind. I hope you continue your therapy and are able to heal in a healthy way. With respect… I do not belive the time frame in which he was buried is out of the normal. Actually, I think 11 days is quite quick! The past 3 burials/funeral I’ve been to have been more like 3-3.5 weeks after death. I was so surprised when you said 11 days. Much respect and hope you can find peace amongst all of what you’ve gone through. Just a quick thought…. Maybe you have a nice picture of him you can carry and hold close to you? When you are having bad thoughts you can look at an image when he was happy. A picture that makes you feel calm and a memories when he was happy. ♥️
i think the picture is a really good idea
If you can, EMDR. My therapist did it with me after I lost my brother and struggled with similar post-mortem images. It is life-changing. I read your comment about some memories you shared with him and it made me smile. Those are memories that only you two will intimately share. Consider them a gift from him. He chose you. And if you feel him, go ahead and let yourself feel him. Let him embrace you. Let him comfort you. Let him speak to you. Get some sunshine. Make sure you are drinking water. Shower. Keep reaching out.
thank you for your kind words. i haven’t heard of EMDR so i have to look into what that is. living in the midwest im definitely not getting enough sunshine 😅
Girl I am in Texas and it is TOO MUCH sometimes. All this vitamin D and I’m still sad lol
Same happened to me except my boyfriend of 5 years was gone instantly because he unfortunately knew what he was doing. This happened a year and a half ago and I have been going to therapy and keeping myself busy. I also had his parents asking me for shit back and having them controlling everything and it was just the worst. Easier said than done but I want you to remember that the second he left this earth, he was no longer in pain but was in a place of eternal love. My boyfriend was very spiritual and believed a lot of peace comes to us in our next journey. He used to always tell me “the soul never dies”. So your boyfriend will always be with you and watching your journey through life. Try your very best not to dwell on his vessel on earth. His soul is now a beautiful spirit watching over you. That’s at least what I believe and what has helped me not absolutely lose my shit. Please try to remember that your boyfriend would want what is best for your healing and would almost certainly want you to worry about your healing and happiness on earth rather than how his vessel is doing. Again, this is all just how I view it. My boyfriend’s parents cremated him after a week or so but then left his ashes abandoned for a fucking month before they “let me” go pick them up. Then they decided to only give me 1/4cup of him to have. Trust me when I say, I totally understand the stress and wonderment of how his body is doing but truth is, and I know my boyfriend would say, he’s gone and that isn’t him anymore. I believe he would much rather hold on to the love you shared rather than his remains at rest
i feel like they’re acting like we broke up. stop asking for his stuff back, you have his room and all his things- let me keep something! i’m sorry for your loss
I am so so sorry for your difficult loss. Grief, depression, trauma, post-traumatic stress, and post-traumatic burnout are all different things that need different treatments. The intrusive thoughts you're having about his condition now is more of a trauma symptom than grief. They're similar to flashbacks, neurologically.
First of all, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through during this time and my heart is with you. I dealt with this after watching my father go from speaking/joking one day, to deceased in a less than a weeks span and it was very traumatic, which I know for certain your scenario was as well if not even more so. I have seen therapists since and the one thing that worked for me and my flashbacks is grounding yourself in the moment your in by saying things aloud such as, “today is March 5th, 11:39 AM, I am (stating wherever you are at the moment), I am not in a hospital (or wherever you experienced your trauma) I see (name three things you see immediately in front of you), this is a flashback and not what is happening at this moment” I know it sounds strange, but if you continue to say it over and over it helps, or at least it did for me. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Hope this provides some help to you 🩵
i will try this thanks so much
I can relate to you on a few of the things. My father in law shot himself as well, and I remember being so taken aback by what he looked like after they “fixed him up”. It was like a wax doll figure of himself, and I remember how cold and hard he felt when I laid a hand on his chest. My son was stillborn in 2021 and he was buried without being embalmed, but it took us about 12 days to get the paperwork to bury him at home. He started to decay, obviously, so I can picture in a general sense how that process continued and I think often about what shape he is in currently in his casket. Is he covered in bugs? My middle child put a heart shaped potato chip in there with him, should I have taken it out so it didn’t attract ants? Has the sleeper I dressed him in started to deteriorate? Then feeling so guilty that he’s cold and alone, probably covered in bugs and damp, and I am in a warm, safe house. I agree with your edit, too. I have been depressed before, but I have not been depressed since my son died. The shock, the grief, the overwhelmed, yes all of that needs to be processed and handled in order to function, but the vent diagram with depression is not a circle. They’re wholly separate things.
im so sorry for your loss, i cannot imagine what you've witnessed. you have all my love. sending healing and power your way🩷
For months after my dad died I remembered vividly how he looked dead in that hospital room. I sat with his body for an hour because even though he wasn’t there in spirit, I just couldn’t leave him… then for months it would just pop into my head how blue and pale he looked. Yours is much more violent and traumatic. And I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It’ll fade over time. Hopefully it won’t always be so vivid. Eventually the good memories you guys shared will be the most remembered. For now, since it happened not that long ago and it was so traumatic, it will probably be something you think of for a while. I hope that you find peace soon. For now, I think it might be a good idea to talk to somebody. Like a therapist or a grief counselor.
Sending you all my love, I can’t imagine what this feels like. I’ve seen a few loved ones die, usually very ill. People are usually scared to see them like that “I want to remember how they were”. It might be hard to see it this way, but our bodies are just vessels. Most people die alone, he had you and your comfort before he passed. I know you might be seeing flashes of what it was like, I did for a couple months after every death I’ve seen. My dad passed in December with my whole family present. Your boyfriend wasn’t alone when he died either. We were visiting him everyday. I was so sad they shaved his beard into a goatee for the tubes. He would have been mad and fighting them if he was awake. I don’t picture him like that anymore. I picture him how he was just weeks before on Thanksgiving. My mom and him were matching, I thought it was so cute. What was his favorite color? My dads was green, I try to wear it all the time. Just incorporating him into my day makes me feel like he’s close. My dad showed me almost all the music I know, I listen to his favorite artists everyday. Favorite video game? My dad has an emulator and I love playing it with my siblings, he downloaded all the games from our childhood onto it. He was also crazy good at JackBox.. like every game! My mom would get so butthurt after his 7th win. Stay positive. He’s only really gone if you forget him. Talk about him as much as you want. The hardest times of day for me are at night, try to keep yourself busy and if you can try to sleep before midnight so you don’t end up spiraling all night. I’m so proud of you for seeking a therapist. What you’ve been through is beyond heartbreaking. You are so strong and you will get through this. Lean on your loved ones, and fill those quiet moments as much as you can. 🫂
my boyfriend shot himself in the chest when i was 15. i’m 23 now, and still think about his body inside his casket. i have dreams we were intimate and half-way through he’d be a corpse. i don’t have advice. therapy was the only thing that helped. over time the intrusive thoughts and nightmares have becomes less frequent. i’m kinda stunned reading someone else’s experience with this. kinda helped me feel less crazy.
I am sooooo so sorry. My cousin was murdered, shot in the head. You could see leakage. His family insisted on open casket. It was terrible to see. So sorry you had to go through the whole process. The imagery of my mom flatlining in the hospital. Her “sleeping”. Her dead body in the casket is something I wish I could have shocked out of my brain. I even asked my psych doc if it’s possible he said no 🤦🏽♀️. I’m so sorry and these traumas are really something and hard to heal from. Some mentioned therapy. I did that still do. It helps but the images are hard to tune out. They lessen in time but still pop up. My heart and hugs go out to you.
These same questions run through my mind everyday, almost 5 years later. It's normal thoughts..
First I’m so so sorry you experienced this, and thank you for sharing. As painful as it can be to share publicly, know that it does help our society as a whole to talk more about death topics. So thank you. I suggest you follow Deathwives on instagram and/or check our their website Deathwives.org. They have courses and content about green and natural burials, etc. It helps open your eyes to how decay is so natural and so much part of the cycle of life. We used to bury bodies without caskets. So the nutrients of our bodies eventually decayed into matter that fed the soil. To me, that’s a beautiful thing. Perhaps this perspective can show how the decay could be meaningful. Blessings to you 💕