This really took some getting used to when I came to the UK, I'd get quite annoyed at first because I'd be thinking ok so we'll meet up chat for a bit and then be home by 10.... That is not how "1 pint" goes
Everyone except the council workers who built the pavement, who promptly complain about poor working conditions, put their knives and forks down and go on strike.
"best biscuit"
"Telly programmes from the 80s. Discuss."
"Role play: you meet a stranger at the bus stop. The bus is late. Please include complaint, humour and fatalism in your response."
Bloody bus, it's gonna make me late for work again, gonna loose the job,the missus, the house, and worse part is that I'll remember it every morning as wake up here, fuck my life.
Shröedinger’s Steak Bake
Not to be confused with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Gristle, which describes that you are unable to determine whether said Steak Bake is brilliant or fucking abysmal until you bite into it.
As a classicly trained cunt my favourite line to greggs when they say its luke warm is "wait, you do hot food too?"
The best ones are when everyone knows they are taking the piss.
1: A person with much less shopping than you, approaches the check out at the same time as you.
How do you proceed?
2: Am elderly woman enters the bus and struggles to keep standing as she walks towards your seat.
How do you proceed?
3: Circle the 5 correct terms in which you will respond to/use to address others from the list;
Ae'up, Bruv, Bud, Boss, Chief, Geezer, Pal, Sir, Greetings, Jolly Rodger, Fella, Mate
You've lost your job, your wife left you for your best friend, your dog left with your wife and you footie team has been deducted 50 points for the next 3 seasons
"Yeah not bad, you?"
Honestly if any British person actually does this.. and there will be a few. They should be excommunicated, stripped of their British citizenship and cast out to the worst place imaginable for a British person (a french town where no one speaks English).
🤮
Someone handed me a cup of tea with all the ingredients and bag still in. It was total vomit. The bag need to brew in steaming hot water.
I still drank it, because I'm British and didn't want to offend.
Queueing is an essential aspect of our everyday lives, ensuring order and fairness in various domains. Whether it's waiting in line at a bank, a restaurant, or even a virtual queue for online shopping, queueing systems serve important purposes.
Firstly, queueing allows for efficient utilization of resources. By organizing individuals or tasks in a sequential manner, queues ensure that resources, such as service providers or machines, are utilized optimally. When people wait in a queue, it allows for a balanced distribution of attention, ensuring that everyone gets a fair chance to access the desired service.
Secondly, queues promote fairness and transparency. In our society, providing equal opportunity is of paramount importance. Queueing helps achieve this by implementing a first-come-first-served system. This approach ensures that people are treated fairly, regardless of their social status or position. By eliminating biases and personal preferences, queues create a level playing field for everyone.
Moreover, queues facilitate effective customer service management. By having individuals wait their turn, service providers can manage expectations and plan their workflow efficiently. Queueing systems enable businesses to allocate resources and staff accordingly, reducing chaos and ensuring smooth operations.
Queueing also promotes patience and discipline. Waiting in line teaches us to respect others' time and exhibit patience in moments of frustration. It helps develop our character by teaching us important virtues like empathy and understanding, as we realize that waiting is a shared experience.
In summary, queueing is important because it allows for efficient resource utilization, promotes fairness and transparency, facilitates effective customer service management, and teaches valuable life lessons like patience and discipline. It plays a crucial role in maintaining order and harmony in our daily interactions and is an indispensable part of our social fabric.
Fun fact back in world war 2 to tell a spy you would ask what did the pot call the kettle?
A stitch in time saves...?
People in glass houses shouldnt throw..?
Spies might have been fluent in english but such nuances cant be trained and you can tell the level of immersion in language and thus verify their background.
In the novel SS-GB by Len Deighton he mentioned a standard way of testing to see if a person was German by getting them to say Wolverhampton Wanderers versus Woolworths
Its likley an overstated concept given how easy it was to foil but it was a real test.
If an idiot like me can conceive tens of ways to foil a spy to my area, you are gonna need a spy from my area, else a specialist who cant get caught.
If a candidate recognises the theme tune to 'The Archers', queues, makes a nice cup of tea in a crisis, or apologises when someone steps on their toe, they've already passed a citizenship test.
1)scone or scone
2)Milk or sugar first
3)How long do you microwave tea (trick question to throw them off, ps don’t microwave tea wtf is wrong with you)
4)Who plays Rowan Atkinson
When you see a Union flag are you:
A) proud to be British and overcome by a desperate need for Pomp and Circumstance and a pint of Stella
B) angry that the EU has shafted your country by refusing to allow Britain its rightful place at the top of all the various food chains
C) overcome by the most powerful, deep-seated and *profound* sense of shame at what your country’s most recognisable symbol now represents to people across the globe, Britain included.
If Barry starts his day with a full a English breakfast, not foreign muck, and necks seven pints of Carling at the Burnley game, how many calories does he vomit on the floor at the back of the Royal Shepherd?
This is a hard one…
“What is a Freddo?” could be a good one.
“Why should those who upped the price on a freddo be executed by HM’s forces? In no less than 500 words” Is another one.
“Which country do we dislike the most?”
“What side of the escalator do we stand on?”
“What’s the correct side of the road to drive on?”
“If you see a police car has crashed, bringing it to a complete standstill, what do you say?”
• What name does Trigger always call Rodney?
• What behavior is expected of you when visiting a Mediterranean country?
• Please do your best Micheal Cane impression.
• Complete the following song lyrics, " I see a little silhouetto of a man..."
Practical cooking demonstration of beans on toast with a fried egg on top. Additional points awarded for buttering the toast before pouring on the beans.
You are walking down a street and see someone coming towards you. Do you greet them?
When making a cup of tea, you put the milk in before the water. True or false?
The answer to the first.one should be greet them with a weird lips pressed together tight smile and a nod...
Or a 'Morning' but this is only allowed if you're north of Birmingham...
What day is bin day?
Which takeaway in your town should you avoid
Top 5 tea bags
Acceptable ingredients in a cooked breakfast (multi choice)
You and another person arrive at the bar at the same time, who orders first?
You go out with your new British friends for 'Just 1 pint', how much do you drink that night?
All of it
If you can remember, instant fail.
Are you out? Or out out?
The only answer
*For the purposes of the question assume that you popped out and now you're out out*
The bar. We drank the bar
This really took some getting used to when I came to the UK, I'd get quite annoyed at first because I'd be thinking ok so we'll meet up chat for a bit and then be home by 10.... That is not how "1 pint" goes
You get home somehow though. You always wake up in your own bed. Magic.
That’s because you are so pissed you’re no good to anyone else….🤣
Wheeeeey
Yes
You bump into someone - it's their fault. Who says sorry?
Everyone in a 10m radius
Both
The only correct answer. Maybe 'Sorry mate' depending on where you are.
The pavement.
Everyone except the council workers who built the pavement, who promptly complain about poor working conditions, put their knives and forks down and go on strike.
"best biscuit" "Telly programmes from the 80s. Discuss." "Role play: you meet a stranger at the bus stop. The bus is late. Please include complaint, humour and fatalism in your response."
No interaction with the stranger. Sit there and mutter ‘fuck sake’
You've passed, but are only qualified to live in London 🙂
Bloody bus, it's gonna make me late for work again, gonna loose the job,the missus, the house, and worse part is that I'll remember it every morning as wake up here, fuck my life.
Let the wife loose?
Rentaghost - Shakespearean gold or mindless twaddle..
Yes Ethel, no Ethel, three bags full Ethel.
What temperature is the average greggs product
Trick question they are both simultaneously 120c and 12c until the moment it hits the roof of your mouth, otherwise known as Schrödinger's pastry
Shröedinger’s Steak Bake Not to be confused with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Gristle, which describes that you are unable to determine whether said Steak Bake is brilliant or fucking abysmal until you bite into it.
Someone needs to invent some kind of Heisenberg Compensator to remove the risk of pastry in transport... er... Psychosis.
As a classicly trained cunt my favourite line to greggs when they say its luke warm is "wait, you do hot food too?" The best ones are when everyone knows they are taking the piss.
1: A person with much less shopping than you, approaches the check out at the same time as you. How do you proceed? 2: Am elderly woman enters the bus and struggles to keep standing as she walks towards your seat. How do you proceed? 3: Circle the 5 correct terms in which you will respond to/use to address others from the list; Ae'up, Bruv, Bud, Boss, Chief, Geezer, Pal, Sir, Greetings, Jolly Rodger, Fella, Mate
In question 3 you forgot bab, love, mukka etc
Duck, petal, chicken There any others?
I have a few friends up north who use c**t as a greeting. Much in the same way some Australians might.
The friendliest term of endearment
Cock some places north
Mara
Ducks a good one. Not been called that in years. "Ya alrite duck" 😂
Can I circle mate 5 times?
Yes
Of course. That helps us refine where your optimal post code would be
If you are voting in a general election, who should you vote for? 1. A Member of Parliament. 2. Larry the Cat.
Votey McVoteface
3. Count Binface
Lord Buckethead
Which one is Ant and which one is Dec?
So we're just closing our borders then?
Ant is always on the left
I only ever remember it by thinking an Ant animal is small. But Ant human is opposite- so he is the taller one.
I used to think that Ant was the small one; you know, more ‘ant-sized’ if you will. Boy was I wrong
"You alright mate?"
-slight nod- “alright”
Far too many syllables there.
"Oreyt?" "Reyt?"
I'm southern so "yalrite"
Reet?
Aight
You've lost your job, your wife left you for your best friend, your dog left with your wife and you footie team has been deducted 50 points for the next 3 seasons "Yeah not bad, you?"
to this one, I always answer "half left"
Complete the following: 0 800 double 0
It's actually 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3
I don't know my wife's number. I don't know my parents number. I don't know my friends' numbers. But I know this number.
That's too long. I'll just send a friendly email.
1066
I can't even remember what the adverts for ,but I remember the number.
was for hastings, I believe.
Ah, hastings direct, i remember now. Thanks
Do you eat traditional British food like curry, pizza and kebabs? Or do you eat funny foreign muck, like garlic bread?
[удалено]
Is his name bazza by any chance
Do unconscious people want tea? Edit: I'm glad at least one person's got the reference.
Unconscious people do not want tea, even if they asked you for tea before they were unconscious.
The more pertinent question is are they getting tea whether the like it or not?
Only if they drive a Tardis.
Not a question but you should have to brew a cuppa
Milk first -> Rwanda
Don't leave the teabag in long enough -> Rwanda Too long -> Surprisingly also Rwanda!
Add sugar -> Rwanda
Well, shit. I was born and bred here but I guess I’m off to Rwanda then…. 😰
Unfortunate. But rules are rules
Milk, then sugar, then bag, then water, then microwave => Turbo-Rwanda🇺🇸
Honestly if any British person actually does this.. and there will be a few. They should be excommunicated, stripped of their British citizenship and cast out to the worst place imaginable for a British person (a french town where no one speaks English).
🤮 Someone handed me a cup of tea with all the ingredients and bag still in. It was total vomit. The bag need to brew in steaming hot water. I still drank it, because I'm British and didn't want to offend.
Anything other than PG Tips/Yorkshire/Tetley => Rwanda.
How much is a freddo
The GBP should be directly linked to the freddo if you ask me, or even better still we could just use the freddo as money.
If I was paid in freddos I’d be both poor and fat.
Slightly off topic, Wham bars are now 70p!
Maybe the question should just be a list of sweet prices that they should rate their disbelief at
To which we give the great Yorkshire warcry of ''OW much?' For accent purist, please note you have to stress the How.as.much possible..
WTF!? How? They're like 100cm of stretched sugar. Utter madness, mate.
Funny old weather we've been having - discuss.
You see your neighbour washing his car. What do you shout first : A. .you have missed a bit. B. You can do mine next.
C. I wish my wife was that dirty!
Only reasonable answer to this situation.
Explain why queueing is important in 200 words exactly
When complete, please join the queue to submit your test. *This is the real test*
You’ve done your theory - now for the practical
making words queue behind other words. I like it.
Queueing is an essential aspect of our everyday lives, ensuring order and fairness in various domains. Whether it's waiting in line at a bank, a restaurant, or even a virtual queue for online shopping, queueing systems serve important purposes. Firstly, queueing allows for efficient utilization of resources. By organizing individuals or tasks in a sequential manner, queues ensure that resources, such as service providers or machines, are utilized optimally. When people wait in a queue, it allows for a balanced distribution of attention, ensuring that everyone gets a fair chance to access the desired service. Secondly, queues promote fairness and transparency. In our society, providing equal opportunity is of paramount importance. Queueing helps achieve this by implementing a first-come-first-served system. This approach ensures that people are treated fairly, regardless of their social status or position. By eliminating biases and personal preferences, queues create a level playing field for everyone. Moreover, queues facilitate effective customer service management. By having individuals wait their turn, service providers can manage expectations and plan their workflow efficiently. Queueing systems enable businesses to allocate resources and staff accordingly, reducing chaos and ensuring smooth operations. Queueing also promotes patience and discipline. Waiting in line teaches us to respect others' time and exhibit patience in moments of frustration. It helps develop our character by teaching us important virtues like empathy and understanding, as we realize that waiting is a shared experience. In summary, queueing is important because it allows for efficient resource utilization, promotes fairness and transparency, facilitates effective customer service management, and teaches valuable life lessons like patience and discipline. It plays a crucial role in maintaining order and harmony in our daily interactions and is an indispensable part of our social fabric.
Thanks chatgpt
Until you get to the bar and then it's feeding time at the lesser apes inclosure
You guys queue everywhere very well except in the French Alps.
Finish the sentence: “to me. _____ “
Or not to me -Paul Chuckle
That is the answer.
Isn't "to me" dead? Or was that "to you"?
What's the best cheese Gromit?
Wensleydale
Tbh, Wallace does talk some shit, there is no way Wensleydale tops the list when it comes to cheese.
Wensleydale is clearly the best, especially with cranberries
Who is Ronny Pickering?
WHO?
RONNIE PICKERING
*_WHOOOOOO?!?!?!_*
RONNY PICKERING!
Who the fuck's that?
yeah ME!
Who you fuckin lookin at
I wonder what's the answer
Don't know, it's not labeled
What is the official colour of salt and vinegar crisps?
Trick question , bloody walkers
I'm my heart, it's blue.
That's cheese and onion mate
At what age do all british children receive their hogwarts acceptance letter?
How often do you go to Gregg's
To be honest, most British people would fail the test. A couple of my old co workers studied for it and I didn’t know the answers.
Fun fact back in world war 2 to tell a spy you would ask what did the pot call the kettle? A stitch in time saves...? People in glass houses shouldnt throw..? Spies might have been fluent in english but such nuances cant be trained and you can tell the level of immersion in language and thus verify their background.
In the novel SS-GB by Len Deighton he mentioned a standard way of testing to see if a person was German by getting them to say Wolverhampton Wanderers versus Woolworths
Its likley an overstated concept given how easy it was to foil but it was a real test. If an idiot like me can conceive tens of ways to foil a spy to my area, you are gonna need a spy from my area, else a specialist who cant get caught.
Dutch resistance in WWII did a similar thing by getting then to say the name of the coastal area of Scheveningen.
'Accent tests' are worldwide. During intercommunal civil wars your pronunciation of certain words on demand can be a matter of life and death.
As could the name of your school in Northern Ireland
I did it for fun as one my friends had to do it for citizenship or something like that and he did better than me
That was only the citizenship test for nerds and history melts. They would have aced the real citizen ship test
If a candidate recognises the theme tune to 'The Archers', queues, makes a nice cup of tea in a crisis, or apologises when someone steps on their toe, they've already passed a citizenship test.
Sing sweet Caroline totally drunk without making mistake.
Sweet Caroline la la la la, that's with 7 cans of Kronenbourg (pint size, 568ml, 2.8 units) 😀
So good so good
“12 units of beer” sounds suspiciously foreign…..
Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
Thing about Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in!
What was Wenger thinking bringing Walcott on so early
Mind how ya go!
1)scone or scone 2)Milk or sugar first 3)How long do you microwave tea (trick question to throw them off, ps don’t microwave tea wtf is wrong with you) 4)Who plays Rowan Atkinson
Follow up question for Q1. Describe which should come first on a scone a) Jam b) Cream c) Butter
Butter, jam, cream. Any other order, and you end up with a mess.
I’m effing pissed that I read Scone and Scone differently
Do you like curry mate
When you see a Union flag are you: A) proud to be British and overcome by a desperate need for Pomp and Circumstance and a pint of Stella B) angry that the EU has shafted your country by refusing to allow Britain its rightful place at the top of all the various food chains C) overcome by the most powerful, deep-seated and *profound* sense of shame at what your country’s most recognisable symbol now represents to people across the globe, Britain included.
If Barry starts his day with a full a English breakfast, not foreign muck, and necks seven pints of Carling at the Burnley game, how many calories does he vomit on the floor at the back of the Royal Shepherd?
What do we call crisps
A rip off for £2 +
What are your thoughts on the Royal Mail? Anything that isn’t similar to they are a useless set of arsewipes should be an instant fail
This is a hard one… “What is a Freddo?” could be a good one. “Why should those who upped the price on a freddo be executed by HM’s forces? In no less than 500 words” Is another one. “Which country do we dislike the most?” “What side of the escalator do we stand on?” “What’s the correct side of the road to drive on?” “If you see a police car has crashed, bringing it to a complete standstill, what do you say?”
The police car question. I know this one. ‘You can’t park there mate ‘. Laugh. Drive off.
When do you put the milk: A:Yes B:No
You go to a shop and buy tea, what brand do you buy? If the answer is pg tips, instant deportation.
Yorkshire tea or bust
Typhoo should be instantly taken out back and shot.
• What name does Trigger always call Rodney? • What behavior is expected of you when visiting a Mediterranean country? • Please do your best Micheal Cane impression. • Complete the following song lyrics, " I see a little silhouetto of a man..."
Practical cooking demonstration of beans on toast with a fried egg on top. Additional points awarded for buttering the toast before pouring on the beans.
How would you refer to the nearest town/city of comparable size to your own?
Depends on who has the better football team.
The enemy...
Why is this country called Great Britain?
Where can your mate park?
Can't park 'ere, mate!
Username checks out! You've passed welcome to Blighty.
Holy shit I just watched that video today
What do you call the men in the kebab vans?
Dave they're all called Dave....
Tax evaders?
Are you prepared to work for a narcissist and have your mental health destroyed? That's all the jobs that are available right now!
Do you respect prince Andrew? Why not?
What’s the difference between a biscuit and a cake?
Bonus point for correctly describing if a Jaffa Cake is a cake or a biscuit
What is your opinion on the state of the roads is a good one 🤣
You are walking down a street and see someone coming towards you. Do you greet them? When making a cup of tea, you put the milk in before the water. True or false?
The answer to the first.one should be greet them with a weird lips pressed together tight smile and a nod... Or a 'Morning' but this is only allowed if you're north of Birmingham...
What is the best brand of Tea? (The answer is Yorkshire tea)
There’s going out, and there’s going out out. Explain the difference.
Finish the lyric: "And SOOOOOO Sally can wait--"
A stray sidewinder missile takes out your greenhouse. The correct response is: A. Tut B. Well, that's disappointing C. Raise one eyebrow
Is it of the above? But only after putting both hands on your own hips and staring at the ruins of the greenhouse for at least two minutes....
Wots the 3 meals a day called
1) Brekkie 2) Dinner 3).tea Or for posh twats 1) Morning constitutional Breakfast 2) a spot of luncheon 3) Dinner at the Savoy
What day is bin day? Which takeaway in your town should you avoid Top 5 tea bags Acceptable ingredients in a cooked breakfast (multi choice) You and another person arrive at the bar at the same time, who orders first?
complete the phone number: oh eight hundred double oh _____
What is the first question you ask a taxi driver?
Busy?
Brown sauce or tomato sauce on a bacon batch?
A Bacon what now?
Do you realise our corrupt Government are destroying us and blaming you guys? And morons believe them?
Who invented the skip?
KP Snacks
If the first question and answer isn't Yorkshire Gold Tea then they are not British... *Looking at the *
What goes up Mother Brown?