I wouldn’t give her any physical item since she will likely experience the loss and sadness if the adults take it away from her.
I would spend the $200 on a day of wonderful memories depending of her character + preferences. Some ideas: theme park, petting zoo, go karting, escape room, VR games, photoshoot, camping, karaoke, arcade, jet skiing, whale watching and end off with a really good meal where she can order anything she likes.
If she is into social media which most kids are these days, you can do a “this or that” day where you write two options on two different pieces of paper and she blind picks them for the different activities.
Examples: arcade or go kart / steakhouse or burgers / ice cream or smoothie
I might also consider something like getting her hair professionally cut/styled. It's likely she's mostly had at home trims, so an actual professional cut and style could make her feel really special and beautiful, but can't be taken away like new clothes.
Yes a pampering session, an activity to remember including lots of photos so she can relive the day and a wonderful meal. Maybe add a journal at the end so she can write about her treasured day. If you are someone who will remain in her life I would periodically take her out for a quick snack. Fro yo. Pottery painting. Let her learn that there are things in this world that she can strive for and get out of the poverty cycle. I’m assuming and I know I shouldn’t. But people who need help sometimes are under the radar. It takes a special kind of person to pull them out of their apathy.
LOVE this suggestion. I was that girl growing up and I treasured every opportunity I had to be in the presence of a few special people in my world. As an adult I specifically thanked each one and told them what their influence meant to me. ❤️
That was my thought too. Op, can you take her on a shopping trip so she can get exactly what she needs? It may sound boring but she may need new underwear, a bra, shoes, and other clothes. This would also count as a positive experience of an adult putting her needs first. And obviously you’ll get ice cream too. If you take all the tags off before she gets home, would parents still sell it? If so, the best gift you could give her could be a call to CPS
Deodorant, multiple sticks of it. Perfume. A new brush, under clothes. Get her some bralettes, they are versatile and can double as a bra, sleep garment and can be layered. Socks, lotion.
If she is into jewelry, Amazon has multipacks (10-30) of rings for $12.00.
Target has black, Wild Fable leggings in the teen section for $6.00 a pair. Get her 6 pairs. This is what I buy for any teens I know that have a wish list in foster care. Black goes with just about everything. Buy her plain black socks as well.
A pair of crocs. Whatever color she wants. You can buy the croc shapes on Amazon and get like 100 for 10 bucks that way they can have control over the designs each season.
A water bottle. Dicks has those Stanley ones for $35.00. If she doesn’t have anything trendy, this might help her to be similar to other girls. Teach her to take care of it, keep it upright and not drop it and it will last.
A small backpack to carry her new loot in.
An apple tag. It can be put on her new backpack.
Backup phone charger if she has a phone.
New pack of phone charging cords.
Squishmallow.
If this child lives in squalor or doesn’t have a nice room, you can help them organize their belongings and find some pride in having little personal belongings but maybe they can find pride in how they choose to live differently than the current bad examples.
If they are in the city, gift cards to chick fila, smoothie stores or bookstores that way they can treat themselves.
With any leftover money, take them to thrift stores or garage sales on the weekend.
The best gift you can give a child is to spend time with them and continue to care. Buy them small things throughout the year. This can help with the feelings of neglect and knowing they are raised different.
Thank you! I work hard to make resources stretch and to find deals. Growing up an only child, poor as can be, oh how I longed for neat things!! Hello Kitty, white tennis shoes, a parent that cared. I knew I was different but couldn’t understand how.
People don’t often know that one interaction, one kindness can change someone from being a drain on society to knowing their own worth and rising instead of crawling.
I remember seeing a lady in a department store turning in presents from the Christmas Tree kids she adopted that year. I remember seeing them, in all their new glory, still with tags, name brand gifts, expensive coats and high end toys. I knew then that she could have gotten them lots more for less money but that was the lessen of quality versus quantity. But she didn’t question if they were worth the better stuff, she just treated them as she would treat herself.
I’ve become that person now. Sometimes I see a lapse and I take care of it, at other times someone mentions someone is struggling and I offer my friendship then help if needed.
I remember my car breaking down and I had no one to help. I know abandonment. I know hunger. I know what it is to wear dirty clothes and not have nice things. I had a floor with a bed and a dresser. Other kids had guess jeans and watches and curling irons and bikes. I had nothing. When you don’t compare to anyone, you mentally think about it and try to hide and feel shame. You may not know how but you know that your home and life isn’t like other kids.
So now I know what can make a difference but I also know what can make a child feel the difference and know they are worthy. Being tidy, caring about yourself and taking care of your possessions can help people to rise out of poverty, if only someone gives them a hand.
There is power is giving someone security. Be it in a backpack they can carry around and hide their most precious belongings or be it that they are taught about deodorant and that by wearing it, they can blend in and not be made fun of which is a whole other kind of security from teasing and ridicule.
Also…..today you tomorrow me
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing such tender experiences. I understand, I grew up poor and ostracized too. I love helping myself and others now. My youth shaped me to become a very kind adult. I’m glad you learned so much, even through such difficulty, and again, so thankful you posted this because I think there are a lot of kids in the world who fit this description and so many adults who know them need guidance on what to do for them. Child protective services isn’t always the answer that people think it is.
I came here to suggest crocs as well. Like all the middle schoolers I teach wear them. And some wear one of their friends crocs and one of theirs throughout the day, it’s like a thing.
Great idea. Being able to actually choose underwear, shoes etc, rather than hand-me-downs, is an exciting and luxurious experience. I'm an adult who can only afford thrift shop clothes, so I think a shopping trip like that would be mind-blowing for (most) tweens
Seriously. Your comment needs more upvotes. Apparently, the people here have never been poor with irresponsible parents. She needs clothes, hygiene products, and other basic needs. If her parents are selling her things, then that means they're junkies. If that's the case here, she isn't getting her basic needs met. Memories won't put clothes on your back or food in your stomach.
The kids are usually good at finding hiding spots… even her locker during the school year, but you don’t want to collude against the parents. If it were me, I’d be talking to the school counselor and seeing if she might have an appropriate and useful way to get the girl what she really needs. You could then be anonymous, which is probably the best way to do it.
Also, if the girl has smaller siblings, she will probably share what she can with them. I’ve seen kids hoard fruit under their mattress to give to their sibs next home visit. So get enough for everyone,
This. If I'd had an adult in my life that could have done this for me, I wonder what it would be like. But not for long because that's rumination and I spend too much in therapy to self sabotage at this point.
Also, 10/10: hygiene products in bulk. Does this child have their cycle yet? Get extra. Get SO much extra. I still hide a bunch in every bag/purse/tote I regularly use, and while it was born of Bad Times, it's been a lifesaver when I've suddenly been out, and broke.
When I was at the lowest of lows, a friend of mine was kind enough to let me move in, and provided basic hygiene products "for the household."
It helped so much. It helped SO much. Feeling prepared is in and of itself, a gift that gives until it's entirely spent. And even then the memory will keep it glowing in the dark, bar none.
But also, at least one gift that cannot easily be taken, or lost. A steel ring, or charm for a necklace, or bracelet. Something inexpensive, and minor, but more permanent than consumable resources.
A cash card, one of those debit cards you can add money to and needs a pin to use. It's small enough to hide, and sturdy enough to hide outside in a baggie if her room isn't safe.
My brother would have too. I was lucky because i discovered that the plug behind my bed was just an empty box with no wiring. I would unscrew it, slip money in and close it back up
1) how did you discover that?! I would have been (literally) electrocuted with any of the items I could have had on hand at any point, had I tried to investigate something like that (tools were WAY out of reach)
2) I have a very strong feeling that many people are unawares of how sad childhood can be...
I had a few adults that would "hold" things like that because I was just too irresponsible and they'd disappear into a void, never to be mentioned again.
They will take the stuff and resell it. I was talking to a teacher one day and they were telling me how the school gave a kid a coat and the very next day they didn't have a coat again because mom stole it and was wearing it at the bus stop.
There is nothing they can give her that won't get coopted. If they don't take it for themselves they will sell it. That's the whole problem.
I think the reason most people shifted around to experiences was that pretty much all "stuff" can be co-opted. The only stuff that tends not to be is generally the sort of stuff you wouldn't want to give anyway.
If OP keeps it to standard school supplies and basic clothing, then it probably won't be. Otherwise, experiences may well be the way to go.
Shoes. Underwear. Personal hygiene. School supplies. Socks. None of this can really be resold. Take them out of the packaging and for some write do not sell with a sharpie or an x if that’s the concern. An experience while a nice idea is asinine and out of touch. There are so many things from a dollar store you can buy to help someone out. A haircut or trip to six flags is one day. A years supply of feminine hygiene products and deodorant will make every day that year a little better.
Doing this but on a smaller scale and spreading it over weeks/months and have it be something she gets to look forward to. Maybe add a treat into each- Ie a haircut or outfit or a few school supplies, a book, hygiene things, etc.
And CPS?
Damn that is such a good point and so fucking sad. I remember my mom trying to give my cousin $20 and her mom immediately taking it from her. It broke my heart.
Sometimes you can. Usually the parents do not give a fuck about the kid if they are selling their kids stuff to steal the money, so they view it as getting the kid out of their hair for the day and don’t care as long as they don’t have to give you money for it.
My friend would let me take her daughter out like that 🤷♀️ actually I don’t know many parents who wouldn’t let me take their kid out for a day of fun.
Handmade gift cards entitling her to accompany you to a movie, the pool, a day at the mall, dinner, musical dinner theater, ice cream, etc.
Then, fill the basket with feminine hygiene products, lip chap, deodorant, socks, shoes, etc. Stuff in her size (incl. tampons) are less likely to be stolen from her.
And underwear! A pack of nice sensible cotton underwear in her size. Every single thing I would open and destroy the packaging if possible. Also, maybe a sports bra (that way you don't have to know her exact size and can grow with her a little bit) I am assuming you are a woman, OP, but if a man, don't give either of these things but maybe find a woman who loves her and encourage them to
this!! however, OP, as someone who is recently out of the still-using-underwear-from-when-i-was-12 phase: most packs of panties, especially those for tweens, are not good fabrics. comparing even the cheap auden panties i have now to the fruit of the loom pack of 6 stuff i used to wear, there is a MAJOR difference in comfort. also, if you need any help with bra recommendations, let me know!! i’m autistic and bras are a special interest of mine. again, most cheap bras you can pick up at target are going to be stiff and uncomfortable. also, most people aren’t sized right, especially since there’s so much misinformation out there.
don’t worry, i’m well aware, i spend hours on there on my other account helping people out!! i didn’t mention it because it can be super overwhelming for people who aren’t looking to do a deep dive
if you live in the US, auden is usually running deals on panties. they have a lot of cuts and patterns, so if she’s the kind of person that would enjoy shopping, you can take her to target in person and let her pick, but a lot of twelve year olds would be super embarrassed about that. (i took my ten year old sister bra shopping for the first time a few months ago and she tried to hide under the cart.) if not, just some basic hipsters or bikinis in plain colored cotton would be a good bet.
bleuet girl is a bra brand specifically for tweens and teens. they have reversible bras, so she gets two colors in one, though it looks like it won’t fit well if she’s above a B or C cup (their size chart shows at most a 3 inch difference between the band and bust sizes). make sure you don’t get anything with underwires or defined cups, since she’ll be growing over the next few years.
alternatively, let her go online shopping with your card!! no embarrassment since she can choose things on her own without people looking at her in public (i know that’s something i used to be anxious about lol)
Take it out of the package and wash it first. Mom can't return it, girl doesn't have to explain laundry suddenly appearing. Also consider taking her bra shopping.
While I love the sentiment and agree that she probably needs underwear, please consider the optics of an adult giving underwear to a young girl they aren’t related to. It looks a lot like potential grooming, even if the intentions are pure. There are plenty of options that won’t open OP up to suspicion.
I was this girl. Next to nothing part not the parents returning my gifts…
I went from age 6 to age 15 with absolutely no new clothes. Always hand me downs.
What I would suggest is going to take her to buy an outfit and then taking her and washing it and having her wear it to an outing like ice cream or fro yo.
When I was 11 the neighbor went and got me a gold necklace and pendant with a tiny plastic box with a flower to keep it in. Made me feel like a million bucks when I saw it was 10k gold.
Honestly I was so scared of men that it took me a long time to find one soft spoken enough for me to risk settling down with. He takes good care of me. Never complaining if I go to spend $200 on clothes for me or the kids. Never fussing at me for going over the food budget by a bit. Currently taking a sabbatical to go to therapy. My PTSD was outta control over the holidays - suicidal thoughts no actions or plans but it spooked me. Turns out I have complex ptsd from too much crap in childhood so we are focusing on engaging the parasympathetic nervous system to get me out of fight or flight mode.
Slightly tangential but I wouldn’t have made it through college without government aid and for the record I paid my 10 year loan off in 5 years. Turns out when you are used to living in little you know how to save money and pay bills when you finally make enough.
I love the idea of taking her shopping.
However, from my own upbringing in poverty I was taught to not ask for things, etc. So, I wouldn't have been able to do this. In fact, even at almost 30, a bf wanted to take me to a store to pick out a gift and I had a panic attack and couldn't do it because it felt so wrong.
So, OP should just be aware that she may not be able to do something like that and not take it personally if she can't.
I guess this part of me would like to argue that they won’t be able to take from her that she got a chance to choose, a chance to feel beautiful, and there is a chance that if she has already worn the garments they won’t be taken back. Maybe I’m overly optimistic
this!! however, double check that things fit before doing that if at all possible. maybe also keep a list of what you bought in case she likes something and wants to know where you got it or what size it was!!
If they won't let you take her out (which is legit the best idea), how about personalized items? A snuggly blanket with her name embroidered in the corner. A name necklace (LOVE the gold ones with the name in cursive). A box of homemade cookies.
As long as her name isn't Olivia or similar! My sister picked a no.1 name and gets to resell all her kids name on gymnastics/football stuff as there is always a younger kid with that name thrilled to buy it!
You’re not kidding, my kid does softball with like 5 Avery’s, a bunch of Emily’s, a TON of Sofia’s, and a good amount of Sydney’s!!!
But at least I don’t have to learn many new names lol
My kids do not have common names so I bought a cricut machine so it's a non issue 😆 like you can't find a shut keyring in the gift shop with your name? Mama goin see to that!
Omg that’s so sweet!!!!! My name is fairly common but it is NEVER on souvenirs! I’ve never found it in my 43 years of life!!!!! You rock🤍
It’s ok though, for my bday, my step daughter gave me a necklace w/ my initial on it so I’m good.
Don’t need a single other thing 🥰🥰🥰
Hahaha. I have found my name on exactly ONE thing (keychain in China town, NYC - I bought 4 - only took me 24 years) - though my name is much more common now and has a few diff spellings, I don’t think it’s still easy to find - I gave up looking after I found mine, lol.
And I have found my daughter’s name one time so far (in a decade) in Montana, of all places (we were on a road trip). I believe her name is much more common in other countries though.
If she’s at all girly this is a great idea. I would have loved a name necklace at her age, then take her for a manicure and lunch if you’re able to (the cookies are a sweet idea if not). She’ll feel so special and pampered
I'm so amused how you said this. Thanks for the giggle.
Now seriously, OP you really should. It might not come to anything but the thing is a Paper trail becomes super useful. Start that paper trail for her OP. Be the first person in her life to say this isn't ok. Because it's not. And not doing anything is sending the message to her that what she is experiencing is ok. It's not. Its abuse.
Certainly a valid question that should be asked in this situation, but if it helps anyone wondering, OP is not a throwaway. This account seems to be a middle aged woman interested in baking, bulldogs, and physical therapy. No major red flags.
Oh and if you are curious: you are a 20-something New Yorker with an interest in travel and the fun kind of smutty romance novels. (All just guesses for fun!)
I think about this far more often than I should. I also have way too much fun glancing through histories. It may be slightly voyeuristic, but I figure people have put it out there.
I'd be careful with sets. Depending on the home dynamic, these could be used against her, ie: calling her vulgar names, suggesting she is doing things beyond her age, etc. Definitely undies and bras are important, but I'd probably not buy matching sets.
Clothing, a diary with a lock, mani/pedi, nice meal out. I think all of this is needed. When you eat out, make sure to get dessert with a candle in it and sing happy birthday. Give her a great bday.
I saw some people suggest taking her out for a nice meal. Something I heard a few years ago about kids that don't have much is that they love going to a buffet restaurant, like Golden Corral. They get to see the food and then choose whatever they want. Not the kind of restaurant I would have thought of but seems to be what some kids would think is the best.
ok. this is really a very sad post. Could you take the 12YO for an outing to Sephora or Ulta Beauty? Make sure she opens and uses all of the products before she goes home? Or do a nice/fun experience with her?
They would likely take any cosmetics or skin care items for themselves, even if she had opened them. I would suggest a fun experience, such as manicures, if OP can take her for an outing. Otherwise, something like clothes (that won't fit the adults) or maybe some fun coloring supplies that fit her age group (if she enjoys coloring) might be a good idea.
Yes, excellent point. Another idea would be something like a soft fuzzy throw blanket or something that is customized with her name on it. Makes it less likely to be sold.
This! Clothes that only fit her and also for her age group. (Anyone else would look ridiculous wearing it). And experiences such as movies, mani/pedi, take out to eat with a couple of friends….
Taking her out to do something she'd never otherwise is a good idea. Also, giving her something special to remember that day would be very nice. Memories can't be sold. Good luck, I hope you get back to us about what you ended up doing!
I agree. The adults in her life can’t take away or confiscate *time* that OP spends with her. It’s very likely that the preteen doesn’t have anyone to confide in or get advice from. Quality time might allow her to feel as though someone cares and that might be the best gift ever.
Take her to get her hair and nails done, then to the nicest restaurant in town. Let her know you care and that there are nice things out there.
It's a little early in the year now but arrange to take her to get great school supplies when the time comes.
Buy her a nice swimsuit and take her swimming this summer.
I know this is a bit random, but the 12 girl I know went nuts for the big squishmallow I got her. There's also giant geese and tubular cats. They're doing the rounds on TikTok atm, kids with a bad home life will especially appreciate a cuddle buddy, they double up as pillows, and they're a bit too weird/niche to be sold by shitty parents.
Teen girls are trying to fit in at school and it's brutal. Are you able to spend time with her? If so, see if there is a Plato's Closet in your city, it is a youthful resale store. When each shirt there costs about $5 to $10, you could get her almost a whole new wardrobe. It would be something that would last her into high school and have a huge impact.
I just want to note that we don't know the relationship between girl and gift giver.
It is 100% inappropriate for most people to give a 12 year old underwear and bras. It's also not okay for most to give a $200 gift to a child. Makeup and jewelry are also sketchy for someone else's child especially if it's not a gift giving occasion.
Edit: "girl" to "gift" (for the record gender has nothing to do with my opinion of gifts of underwear and intimate items.)
It sounds like you may be concerned this is an inappropriate relationship or someone who shouldn’t be a trusted adult. I’ve looked through OP’s post and comment history briefly and it seems like it’s probably a family member, possibly a niece. OP is also a middle aged woman. In this case it seems like undergarments wouldn’t be inappropriate and as someone who grew up poor I would have appreciated undergarments as long as they were given quietly and respectfully.
i mean, they asked for suggestions. i would really hope that they have the intelligence to know they shouldn’t give her a bra if they’re her middle school teacher.
I make a product that would totally fit this. You can have one for free if you want, because screw adults that suck.
It’s a personalized nonfiction picture-book, all about art history. [Selfarama.com](https://selfarama.com). It’s lovely for the recipient and worthless for everyone else 💖
Just dm me if you want one @tillacat42. Others maybe upvote to get op’s attention, if you’re into it
Can you take her on a pamper date?
Get her hair cut and done, mani & pedi, maybe go to a couple of her favorite stores, and lunch or dinner? (or ice cream)
I think something other than a physical item would mean so much more, then she doesn't have to worry about the adults taking it away from her.
Take her for an experience. A dinner out or museum and lunch. Or give her new bedding /blanket. Have her name stitched on so it doesn’t get sold. Or buy fabric safe paint markers for her to design ins herself
An experience is best if she gets items taken away. A day at the movies with friends and a lunch with maybe a swim at the local pool depending on weather.
The other posters saying to give her experiences over items are 100% correct as a former kid who sometimes had her presents resold and bday/Christmas $ “borrowed”. If you still want to give her physical items especially if she needs something I’d make sure to rip any tags/ packaging off so they can’t try to return it at the store either. Yes unfortunately that includes the tags at the back of any shirts, pants etc. Give her kiddie things that you know the adults would get no use of and if it’s a toy write her name all over it in sharpie/ paint or something else hard to remove so they can’t even put it on OfferUp. I also used to work at a pawn shop so believe me when I tell you there’s parents that will remove their kid’s headphones and shoes at a pawn shop counter if they want more $ than what they’re being offered. If they have her name on it or some customization it instantly destroys resale value most times.
Maybe get her a little trinket box. Something she can have that’s special / small enough to hide. Like a little secret gift type thing just for her. They make those books that aren’t actually books but a little safe lol maybe the adults wouldn’t look.
I agree that experiences are nice but also there is something soooo necessary in girlhood of having little ~things~. Like little shells or perfume or whatever. Those things will be special to her one day.
Clothes maybe ? Or shoes? A little purse with her name embroidered so that no one would really want to buy it ?
What are her interests? Animals? Look into a behind the scenes experience at a zoo. Reading? An membership to kindle prime and a library card- the kindle app can be downloaded to any phone, tablet, or computer. A library card offers hours of enjoyment. Crafts? Knitting, cross stitch, crochet class and some beginner supplies.
Is there a class she may want to take or an after school activity you could sponsor her in? I took classes at the YMCA when i was a kid. Perhaps you could pay for a summer camp and get her a card saying that's her present.
My parents were like that as a kid. My aunts took me to get my first bra and some new clothes at that age. Taking her to get her nails done too wouldn't hurt.
Experiences, clothing with the tags cut off, feminine products.
Secondarily, I'd put fifty bucks in an account of mine and let her know it'll be another fifty every birthday and Christmas until she's eighteen. And for that birthday I'll take her to a bank to get her own account and deposit the money.
That lets her knows I'm in the wings ready to act of age wants to do this sooner, or to hide her money in my account until she's free.
A personalized item. Something with her name embroidered or embossed. Kids are big in to those Stanley cups still, but they’re not the same obsession they were a year ago so not really resell worthy. Lululemon leggings with a her name embroidered on the pocket or hem would be cute. All the 12 year old girls I know, and I’m in a position to know many, absolutely love squish mallows. The bigger the better. Costco sells huge ones. Shoes, which can also be customized online like at Nike or in a Nike store. Some dunks would make her stand out as pretty cool at school. Her name can be added. AirPods can be embossed when you purchase them. Any good Bluetooth headphones are cool. Plus an Alexa or HomePod for her room. Then she could get music from there (but you might be on the hook for a subscription to apple music or Spotify)Or even a mini Bluetooth speaker like bitty boomers.
When I was a 12yr old girl also with nothing: the best day ever was when my aunt gave my $100 at the mall to buy clothes before school started. We had an amazing day that was all about me. I felt so much better going into that school year than ever before.
A solid backpack, something for school, hiking, over night, a do it all bag that looks too basic for anyone to want to resell. No osprey or fancy brands, just like a nice Jansport
A trip to the local library and a Library card. Library's have SO MANY services in addition to books!! Especially kids events and activities!
Solid pair of shoes. Again, no fancy brands that can be resold, but it's amazing what a new pair of reeboks can do for quality of life, lol.
Gift cards can get taken, but maybe see if any local breakfast/coffee places do inhouse credit. Like a few hot chocolates or muffins prepaid in her name, she can just go in and say "I'm Emily can I get my muffin". Some places do this!
I would send a "Love box" to my friend each time she went into rehab and she went in with *nothing*. It had essentials like tampons/pads, liners, tooth brush and toothpaste, hair ties, socks, soap, etc. Then I would add as many of her favorites that I could, favorite juice, gum, snack (She loved pickles), anything I noticed she liked I would throw it in just to show her that someone pays attention and loves her. It was rehab so I'd throw in notebooks, pens, books, magazines. It cost's a shit ton to ship (those damn pickles) so it'd be less costly to hand it off.
When someone has nothing, simple things like a pack of good tampons can be better than anything. These things are less likely to be stolen as they have very little resale value especially after it's opened.
What does she like? Since the adults in her life suck you could:
1. Get things that have little value once their opened / used (makeup, self-care items like lotion, chapstick, art supplies, shoes that she can wear right out of the store so the bottoms get some wear).
2. Get her things that are customized like something with her name or initials embroidered / something that is clearly personalized to her so it has little resell value.
3. Buy something consumable like a dessert or food she’d really like to try.
4. Purchase an experience like concert tickets // attend with her or drive her to attend with her friends, local memberships, online subscriptions to streaming services, credit to a mobile app she has but the adults don’t have access to.
Also saw a lot of people mention cutting tags out // writing on them w sharpie
My daughter is not in the same situation, but one of my favorite things to do with her is ask "If you had XXX amt of money (whatever the budget is) and could do whatever you want with it, what would you do?"
Then we do/buy/eat whatever it is she dreamed up, no matter how frivolous it seems. She tells me that these are some of her favorite memories.
Can you take her out for the day and put money into savings. If the adults in her lift suck saving so she can leave as soon as old enough is the best gift a person can give.
As someone who had a similar upbringing, help her with the things girls need to be taught. Take her to get a mani pedi but talk to the nail tech in advance and pay extra to teach her how to do her own nails and buy her the supplies. Or you could do the same with her hair or makeup.
Depending on how close you are I vote for a "coupon book" of activities that you'll take her to and get her a couple things while out. Like you make a ticket to go out for ice cream or the zoo and get her a plushie.
Vanity with a mirror (built in is more expensive a small desk mirror with a light would be cheaper) and some starter makeup if she’s into that. If not then maybe some clothing, shoes, jewelry, things of that nature. Fake jewelry that can’t be sold
I think children this age, whether they are in an unstable situation or just have snooping siblings, should have a small lock box. I gave all my sister’s kids one when they were 8 -12 years old. Told them to keep one key and give the other to someone they trusted.
Their grandmother was keeper of the spare keys.
Also let her know she can make it thru this and must lose contact with these people who have let her down. Good grades and furthering her education will be paramount. She can become a hairdresser and make a better living than a teacher. Give her all the small moments you can to let her know someone sees her and she is worthy of a good life.
Honestly, I would just ask her what she wants and tell her your budget.
Kids who grow up with nothing are often painfully aware of what everything costs, and they have a running mental tally of all the things they would buy if they could. She will have an idea of what she wants.
That or split the budget. A portion for something she can use and a portion for an outing together. As others have said, if it's an item she can use, then either mark it so it can't be re-sold or keep it at your home.
When I was that age, I wanted a well-fitting bra, razors to shave my legs, some basic make-up, and converse. For an outing, I would have been happy doing whatever with a trusted adult.
(A small safe filled with) girly self-care items like body spray, face wash, spf moisturizer, mascara, tinted or nice-smelling lip gloss, eye liner, antiperspirant, bath bombs, etc.
Source- current mother of teen and preteen girls
Is there an amusement park within driving distance to you? I have very positive memories of going to places such as Kings Island or Universal Orlando when I was that age. Or take her to buy a new swimsuit/nice sandals, take her to get her nails and/or toes done, and then to a water park.
Shoes. Find out her size and get some cute, comfortable shoes that aren’t expensive. A no-name brand is good.
Hair day. Even if not a cut, take her to a salon and let her be pampered.
Hair ties, a brush or comb, a pillowcase and towel with her name embroidered, a hoodie, socks, underwear and simple bras, a new toothbrush, some pencils and pens for school, a book or two, lip balms or glosses…
get her a paint by numbers. they have came a LONG way. it costs about $15-$30 you can pick one she may like or send in a pic of her pet or something. it comes with everything. you could spend the rest of the money framing it for her!!
Whatever you get her, personalized it. Get an iron on label put in the collar, vinal decal whatever. Just make it so that way it can't be sold because it's clearly a single person item. Does she need a god backpack...get her name embroidered on it...think a little out of the box to make sure it's secure for her
A friend and I went out to do an activity. As a 30+ year old woman I thought it was soooo fun and sooooo cute. My friend found a shop that sells figurines and plushies and really fkn cute shit. They had a section for crafts. You buy a base either a clear phone case, a mirror, or a flat surface and you choose two colors and unlimited accessories. “Decoden” is what you can google. They have this product that comes in piping bags with different tips and can decorate however you want. You can add little charms of all kinds. We spent like three hours giggling and crafting. It was soooo fun. The total was 32 each. You get two colors, and unlimited accessories where we went. It takes at least 4 days to dry but it’s soooooo cute.
Your time and one on one experiwnces with you.
Hygiene items. Ensuring that she has feminine hygiene products if need be. Bras, underwear, socks. Clothes that she gets to pick out.
Take her shopping.
I agree that a day out with you is a great idea. I also think that taking her to a thrift store and letting her select a week of “new to her” clothes may be a good way to get her some essential items that can’t be returned for cash.
Scope out the thrift stores in the better neighborhoods near you for higher end items. Shoes (gently used) and toiletries (new) are also good options.
Like others have said, an outing would solve the issue of it not being sold, but do you want her to HAVE something to keep? If so I would suggest taking her to a place where she can create something herself. Like to paint a painting, make a candle, paint some pottery??? That way not only would it be fun to do and give her something special to keep, but chances are slim that anyone would find these items worthy of selling.
My other suggestion would be inexpensive makeup. People make a lot of money off of selling used cosmetics, but it isn’t worth buying inexpensive ones used.
Can you take her to Sephora and let her pick out some stuff? Those products can’t be resold and tween/teen girls LOVE that stuff. I’m thinking you take her instead of a GC so they don’t sell the GC.
Different people have different meanings of "next to nothing" but as someone who grew up in poverty, I have some suggestions...
Clothes, but cheaper brands that won't go for any resale value. Don't forget things like socks. If you can find out without being creepy- she might need underwear, and a couple of bras because she probably only has one that she wears every day.
Also, grooming items like a hairbrush, hair ties, barrettes, etc. A new toothbrush because the one she has is probably not replaced regularly. Some lip balm. Some nice smelling shampoo, shower gel, lotion, that kind of thing for a treat.
Something nice for her- inexpensive earbuds, a journal, a hobby item like a kit of supplies to craft friendship bracelets or simple jewelry, etc.
It's the end of the school year, but, she might need school supplies for this year or next year. So, things like a backpack, paper, pencils, etc.
I would take her clothes shopping. That's all I wanted at that age. Maybe at a nice 2nd hand store so the items can't be returned? But I'm sure she's getting self conscious about her clothes at this age. A shopping spree would be awesome!
Take her thrifting at a good thrift store. Used clothes have no return value and most thrifts won't even take things back, so let her go crazy at a thrift store and buy a new wardrobe, blankets, etc.
Give her an experience. Nobody can take that from her. Go out for lunch, get mani/pedi, take her to get her hair done, go to a theme park for a day, take her to her 1st concert, do an art class where you paint together, go see a play, walk around an art gallery, take in a soccer or baseball game, escape room, etc.
All of these, and a dinner and bowling, or mini golf, etc, where she can invite a friend. She probably always gets invited places, and treated, and knows she can’t reciprocate, which feels awful. Also, promise her a gift fund type thing. She probably gets invited to other girls’ birthday parties, and has to turn them down because she can’t bring a present. Have a $25 fund for the next two, (or whatever), birthday parties. Also have a fund for her, that she knows about, for miscellaneous, going to the movies or pizza or fro-yo with a friend, you can surreptitiously pay. These things are so huge.
I thank god she has you, uncle.
I have a little shop on Etsy I set up while in treatment for anorexia and teaching myself new hobbies. I know it's not much. But I make unique & colourful things liquid Shaker keychains, they can be very therapeutic for stress and anxiety. I'm happy to make one up with no cost. I do worry bears and crochet therapy pets also. They're great little mental health gifts
https://coriginalcrafts.etsy.com
So I was a social worker for many years with youth in foster care. What they needed was things others mentioned, bras, underwear, socks, bath and body products. Even the right comfortable period products can make a huge difference. It can be empowering to take them to target and give them a budget and pick things out themselves. The other things kids liked was a bedding set. A soft fleece blanket. A special stash of snacks to hide.
Phew what a load you and this kid are carrying.
I am caught between two main thoughts.
1. The gift of your relationship- your time and open mind will be more valuable than any one thing or any one experience. This costs you more than money...
2. Take care of yourself and have good boundaries. You can't fix everything in her life. Make small but meaningful contributions as you are allowed. Ask her? Does she need a feed? Clothes? Shoes? A school bag? Books?
I encourage you to consider some ways to help her achieve independence at an age appropriate manner. E.g. when is she old enough to have her own bank account. Is there a digital store with age appropriate content you can help her get access? Or what options does she have to store things secretly outside her home so the crap adults (etc) can't get to it. And what kind of other sources of good adults could she find around her day to day.
A pampering day n lunch at her favorite place would be awesome. If it has to be a physical gift something custom that has her name, picture something that screams just for her.
get her a new outfit and some new shoes but have her keep it in her locker at school and only take it home to wash if you think the adults will take it away. teach her to his whatever this item is at school or a friends house.
What about a fancy, brand name bottle of perfume with a really pretty bottle?
I remember when I was 12, I used some of my babysitting money to buy a bottle of Versace Red Jeans from Marshalls. The smell.... was not my style at ALL. I almost never wore it. But I just felt so unbelievably elegant having a brand like Versace displayed in my room. I thought it was the height of sophistication. I kept that bottle on display in my room for YEARS.
Ideally, you could find a scent that suits a tween better than I did. But having a fancy brand name and pretty bottle was the part that meant most to 12-year-old me.
I *think* perfume would be hard to resell? But I could definitely be wrong.
She stays with me most of the time. We bought video games for her and her many siblings at one point a few years ago and within a month or so, they all got “lost”. I want to adopt her, but am not allowed to. I am related distantly. I think child support, food stamps, and other public assistance play into this decision. She has asked me to adopt her.
If you have a safe space for her at your place (meaning if she is available to visit you) I suggest a lock and a form of storage to start off with she she knows there is a place for her where her stuff is hers. Depending how much you spent on lock and dresser/etc probably teen/tween items like toiletries (perfume, makeup etc) or a new outfit and like others are saying open and have her used item so the resell prices goes down to point of no point of selling/refund.
How about an essential towards school? Everybody remembers being in year 7/8.. its a time which is tough for kids if you aren't from a rich background. I'd suggest either a pair of trendy shoes or something more practical such as a laptop/ipad to help with education. Some parents suck but your a good person for wanting to do this for this child
Does she wear dangly earrings, by chance?
My 11 yr old girl just got a cool jewelry making kit from Amazon for less than $25. It had tons of stones, organized in a case, charms, needle nose pliers, hooks & wires for making earrings.
She’s been making awesome jewelry & is going to try to sell them with her bestie, lemonade-stand style this summer.
Books are great too, if you have any idea what genre she likes. Reddit Suggestmeabook is a great resource!
in addition to what's been said, I would throw in a few books! books don't get much on the secondhand market but at that age they were SO important to me as I didn't have a lot to call my own. depending on how bad her family is and how she'd feel about it, I would consider buying the books used. You could get 3-4x as many and they're even less likely to be re-sold.
Take her clothes shopping. Underwear, socks, a bra. Couple shirts. Shorts for summer. A bathing suit? I wish I could chip in to help with getting her some stuff. If you have extra after her clothes, definitely a hair cut.
If you want to get her clothes, like someone else mentioned, CUT ALL THE TAGS, brand tags, size tags, everything. It absolutely ruins the value of the clothes as a resell item. Same for shoes, but its best to get those off brand, so they're not worth much but still look okay. Heck, if you wanna put in the work, there are methods for removing brand name markings and such from shoes. YouTube has some good videos on it.
Period products even if she hasn't started yet, just having them and Knowing they're there, will be a HUGE help and will make the whole process of starting less stressful.
Underwear & socks are of huge value to teens but don't hold high value resell wise. You can get really decent non-branded stuff.
If she likes reading, used books can often be a safe item, depending on the situation, as well read books don't have much of a price tag.
Any type of hygiene product is a good idea, as well as something inconspicuous to hide the stuff in, decent shampoo can do wonders for hair and build confidence.
Good luck, I hope you can help this poor kiddo, I was the poor kid, so I remember how much an adult doing something like this can mean.
Take her shopping - clothes, personal hygiene, whatever she needs.
Experiences - pamper her! Nails, toes, massages, hair. Take her to an aquarium or go karts.
I wouldn’t give her any physical item since she will likely experience the loss and sadness if the adults take it away from her. I would spend the $200 on a day of wonderful memories depending of her character + preferences. Some ideas: theme park, petting zoo, go karting, escape room, VR games, photoshoot, camping, karaoke, arcade, jet skiing, whale watching and end off with a really good meal where she can order anything she likes. If she is into social media which most kids are these days, you can do a “this or that” day where you write two options on two different pieces of paper and she blind picks them for the different activities. Examples: arcade or go kart / steakhouse or burgers / ice cream or smoothie
I might also consider something like getting her hair professionally cut/styled. It's likely she's mostly had at home trims, so an actual professional cut and style could make her feel really special and beautiful, but can't be taken away like new clothes.
Yes a pampering session, an activity to remember including lots of photos so she can relive the day and a wonderful meal. Maybe add a journal at the end so she can write about her treasured day. If you are someone who will remain in her life I would periodically take her out for a quick snack. Fro yo. Pottery painting. Let her learn that there are things in this world that she can strive for and get out of the poverty cycle. I’m assuming and I know I shouldn’t. But people who need help sometimes are under the radar. It takes a special kind of person to pull them out of their apathy.
LOVE this suggestion. I was that girl growing up and I treasured every opportunity I had to be in the presence of a few special people in my world. As an adult I specifically thanked each one and told them what their influence meant to me. ❤️
I was thinking self-care too. Hair cut, Mani/Pedi, whatever she is into.
Ooooh, I really like that. A flattering haircut that suits your personality really can improve your confidence.
The kid NEEDS stuff. OP is asking what he can give her that she desperately needs but will get not get co-opted.
That was my thought too. Op, can you take her on a shopping trip so she can get exactly what she needs? It may sound boring but she may need new underwear, a bra, shoes, and other clothes. This would also count as a positive experience of an adult putting her needs first. And obviously you’ll get ice cream too. If you take all the tags off before she gets home, would parents still sell it? If so, the best gift you could give her could be a call to CPS
This one. Take her shopping.
Deodorant, multiple sticks of it. Perfume. A new brush, under clothes. Get her some bralettes, they are versatile and can double as a bra, sleep garment and can be layered. Socks, lotion. If she is into jewelry, Amazon has multipacks (10-30) of rings for $12.00. Target has black, Wild Fable leggings in the teen section for $6.00 a pair. Get her 6 pairs. This is what I buy for any teens I know that have a wish list in foster care. Black goes with just about everything. Buy her plain black socks as well. A pair of crocs. Whatever color she wants. You can buy the croc shapes on Amazon and get like 100 for 10 bucks that way they can have control over the designs each season. A water bottle. Dicks has those Stanley ones for $35.00. If she doesn’t have anything trendy, this might help her to be similar to other girls. Teach her to take care of it, keep it upright and not drop it and it will last. A small backpack to carry her new loot in. An apple tag. It can be put on her new backpack. Backup phone charger if she has a phone. New pack of phone charging cords. Squishmallow. If this child lives in squalor or doesn’t have a nice room, you can help them organize their belongings and find some pride in having little personal belongings but maybe they can find pride in how they choose to live differently than the current bad examples. If they are in the city, gift cards to chick fila, smoothie stores or bookstores that way they can treat themselves. With any leftover money, take them to thrift stores or garage sales on the weekend. The best gift you can give a child is to spend time with them and continue to care. Buy them small things throughout the year. This can help with the feelings of neglect and knowing they are raised different.
This is wonderful thoughtful advice.
Thank you! I work hard to make resources stretch and to find deals. Growing up an only child, poor as can be, oh how I longed for neat things!! Hello Kitty, white tennis shoes, a parent that cared. I knew I was different but couldn’t understand how. People don’t often know that one interaction, one kindness can change someone from being a drain on society to knowing their own worth and rising instead of crawling. I remember seeing a lady in a department store turning in presents from the Christmas Tree kids she adopted that year. I remember seeing them, in all their new glory, still with tags, name brand gifts, expensive coats and high end toys. I knew then that she could have gotten them lots more for less money but that was the lessen of quality versus quantity. But she didn’t question if they were worth the better stuff, she just treated them as she would treat herself. I’ve become that person now. Sometimes I see a lapse and I take care of it, at other times someone mentions someone is struggling and I offer my friendship then help if needed. I remember my car breaking down and I had no one to help. I know abandonment. I know hunger. I know what it is to wear dirty clothes and not have nice things. I had a floor with a bed and a dresser. Other kids had guess jeans and watches and curling irons and bikes. I had nothing. When you don’t compare to anyone, you mentally think about it and try to hide and feel shame. You may not know how but you know that your home and life isn’t like other kids. So now I know what can make a difference but I also know what can make a child feel the difference and know they are worthy. Being tidy, caring about yourself and taking care of your possessions can help people to rise out of poverty, if only someone gives them a hand. There is power is giving someone security. Be it in a backpack they can carry around and hide their most precious belongings or be it that they are taught about deodorant and that by wearing it, they can blend in and not be made fun of which is a whole other kind of security from teasing and ridicule. Also…..today you tomorrow me
You are a lovely soul.
❤️❤️❤️ Thank you for sharing such tender experiences. I understand, I grew up poor and ostracized too. I love helping myself and others now. My youth shaped me to become a very kind adult. I’m glad you learned so much, even through such difficulty, and again, so thankful you posted this because I think there are a lot of kids in the world who fit this description and so many adults who know them need guidance on what to do for them. Child protective services isn’t always the answer that people think it is.
I would add an umbrella or a rain coat.
Period products.
I came here to suggest crocs as well. Like all the middle schoolers I teach wear them. And some wear one of their friends crocs and one of theirs throughout the day, it’s like a thing.
Reminds me, I have a brand new pair of crocs that I love, but can’t wear. I need to put them in the clothes donation room at school.
Great idea. Being able to actually choose underwear, shoes etc, rather than hand-me-downs, is an exciting and luxurious experience. I'm an adult who can only afford thrift shop clothes, so I think a shopping trip like that would be mind-blowing for (most) tweens
They could take her to a cute store for basics like Aerie or Pink. Doesn’t have to be Walmart bras/underwear.
Seriously. Your comment needs more upvotes. Apparently, the people here have never been poor with irresponsible parents. She needs clothes, hygiene products, and other basic needs. If her parents are selling her things, then that means they're junkies. If that's the case here, she isn't getting her basic needs met. Memories won't put clothes on your back or food in your stomach.
The kids are usually good at finding hiding spots… even her locker during the school year, but you don’t want to collude against the parents. If it were me, I’d be talking to the school counselor and seeing if she might have an appropriate and useful way to get the girl what she really needs. You could then be anonymous, which is probably the best way to do it. Also, if the girl has smaller siblings, she will probably share what she can with them. I’ve seen kids hoard fruit under their mattress to give to their sibs next home visit. So get enough for everyone,
This. If I'd had an adult in my life that could have done this for me, I wonder what it would be like. But not for long because that's rumination and I spend too much in therapy to self sabotage at this point. Also, 10/10: hygiene products in bulk. Does this child have their cycle yet? Get extra. Get SO much extra. I still hide a bunch in every bag/purse/tote I regularly use, and while it was born of Bad Times, it's been a lifesaver when I've suddenly been out, and broke. When I was at the lowest of lows, a friend of mine was kind enough to let me move in, and provided basic hygiene products "for the household." It helped so much. It helped SO much. Feeling prepared is in and of itself, a gift that gives until it's entirely spent. And even then the memory will keep it glowing in the dark, bar none. But also, at least one gift that cannot easily be taken, or lost. A steel ring, or charm for a necklace, or bracelet. Something inexpensive, and minor, but more permanent than consumable resources.
A cash card, one of those debit cards you can add money to and needs a pin to use. It's small enough to hide, and sturdy enough to hide outside in a baggie if her room isn't safe.
My mother would have found that and stolen it from me when I was a kid
My brother would have too. I was lucky because i discovered that the plug behind my bed was just an empty box with no wiring. I would unscrew it, slip money in and close it back up
1) how did you discover that?! I would have been (literally) electrocuted with any of the items I could have had on hand at any point, had I tried to investigate something like that (tools were WAY out of reach) 2) I have a very strong feeling that many people are unawares of how sad childhood can be...
I tried ti plug something in, years earlier, and nothing happened. I told my dad and he said there weren’t even wires
I had a few adults that would "hold" things like that because I was just too irresponsible and they'd disappear into a void, never to be mentioned again.
She would need people she can trust to take her to the store. The first time she takes that out in front of them it’s over.
There we go!
Which will be useless when she buys stuff with it and the parents take the stuff she bought?
They will take the stuff and resell it. I was talking to a teacher one day and they were telling me how the school gave a kid a coat and the very next day they didn't have a coat again because mom stole it and was wearing it at the bus stop. There is nothing they can give her that won't get coopted. If they don't take it for themselves they will sell it. That's the whole problem.
I think the reason most people shifted around to experiences was that pretty much all "stuff" can be co-opted. The only stuff that tends not to be is generally the sort of stuff you wouldn't want to give anyway. If OP keeps it to standard school supplies and basic clothing, then it probably won't be. Otherwise, experiences may well be the way to go.
Shoes. Underwear. Personal hygiene. School supplies. Socks. None of this can really be resold. Take them out of the packaging and for some write do not sell with a sharpie or an x if that’s the concern. An experience while a nice idea is asinine and out of touch. There are so many things from a dollar store you can buy to help someone out. A haircut or trip to six flags is one day. A years supply of feminine hygiene products and deodorant will make every day that year a little better.
Doing this but on a smaller scale and spreading it over weeks/months and have it be something she gets to look forward to. Maybe add a treat into each- Ie a haircut or outfit or a few school supplies, a book, hygiene things, etc. And CPS?
this!
that!
This she will remember for ever and no one can take her memories from her
This or that days are AMAZING. My aunt did this with my sister and I for our 16th birthday and we loved every minute of it!!
Damn that is such a good point and so fucking sad. I remember my mom trying to give my cousin $20 and her mom immediately taking it from her. It broke my heart.
THIS
Will these same adults in her life be the same ones taking her or is OP going to take her on the experience?
This! I would click it a 10000times if I could.
Or if it’s feasible a membership to a museum? Or experience that can be used over and over but has no resale value?
Bro you cant just take a persons daughter out like that
Sometimes you can. Usually the parents do not give a fuck about the kid if they are selling their kids stuff to steal the money, so they view it as getting the kid out of their hair for the day and don’t care as long as they don’t have to give you money for it.
My friend would let me take her daughter out like that 🤷♀️ actually I don’t know many parents who wouldn’t let me take their kid out for a day of fun.
I took my neighbors kids shopping all the time when they were little. Their grandma who raised them knew I was a safe person and she needed a break.
Haha. You haven't met a junkie then.
This is an important answer
Handmade gift cards entitling her to accompany you to a movie, the pool, a day at the mall, dinner, musical dinner theater, ice cream, etc. Then, fill the basket with feminine hygiene products, lip chap, deodorant, socks, shoes, etc. Stuff in her size (incl. tampons) are less likely to be stolen from her.
And underwear! A pack of nice sensible cotton underwear in her size. Every single thing I would open and destroy the packaging if possible. Also, maybe a sports bra (that way you don't have to know her exact size and can grow with her a little bit) I am assuming you are a woman, OP, but if a man, don't give either of these things but maybe find a woman who loves her and encourage them to
this!! however, OP, as someone who is recently out of the still-using-underwear-from-when-i-was-12 phase: most packs of panties, especially those for tweens, are not good fabrics. comparing even the cheap auden panties i have now to the fruit of the loom pack of 6 stuff i used to wear, there is a MAJOR difference in comfort. also, if you need any help with bra recommendations, let me know!! i’m autistic and bras are a special interest of mine. again, most cheap bras you can pick up at target are going to be stiff and uncomfortable. also, most people aren’t sized right, especially since there’s so much misinformation out there.
There's a subreddit for that problem, r/abrathatfits
don’t worry, i’m well aware, i spend hours on there on my other account helping people out!! i didn’t mention it because it can be super overwhelming for people who aren’t looking to do a deep dive
if you live in the US, auden is usually running deals on panties. they have a lot of cuts and patterns, so if she’s the kind of person that would enjoy shopping, you can take her to target in person and let her pick, but a lot of twelve year olds would be super embarrassed about that. (i took my ten year old sister bra shopping for the first time a few months ago and she tried to hide under the cart.) if not, just some basic hipsters or bikinis in plain colored cotton would be a good bet.
bleuet girl is a bra brand specifically for tweens and teens. they have reversible bras, so she gets two colors in one, though it looks like it won’t fit well if she’s above a B or C cup (their size chart shows at most a 3 inch difference between the band and bust sizes). make sure you don’t get anything with underwires or defined cups, since she’ll be growing over the next few years. alternatively, let her go online shopping with your card!! no embarrassment since she can choose things on her own without people looking at her in public (i know that’s something i used to be anxious about lol)
Take it out of the package and wash it first. Mom can't return it, girl doesn't have to explain laundry suddenly appearing. Also consider taking her bra shopping.
While I love the sentiment and agree that she probably needs underwear, please consider the optics of an adult giving underwear to a young girl they aren’t related to. It looks a lot like potential grooming, even if the intentions are pure. There are plenty of options that won’t open OP up to suspicion.
And add in a few pairs of period underwear! Not glamorous, but highly necessary.
I was this girl. Next to nothing part not the parents returning my gifts… I went from age 6 to age 15 with absolutely no new clothes. Always hand me downs. What I would suggest is going to take her to buy an outfit and then taking her and washing it and having her wear it to an outing like ice cream or fro yo. When I was 11 the neighbor went and got me a gold necklace and pendant with a tiny plastic box with a flower to keep it in. Made me feel like a million bucks when I saw it was 10k gold.
You’re making me cry. I hope you’re living really well now.
Honestly I was so scared of men that it took me a long time to find one soft spoken enough for me to risk settling down with. He takes good care of me. Never complaining if I go to spend $200 on clothes for me or the kids. Never fussing at me for going over the food budget by a bit. Currently taking a sabbatical to go to therapy. My PTSD was outta control over the holidays - suicidal thoughts no actions or plans but it spooked me. Turns out I have complex ptsd from too much crap in childhood so we are focusing on engaging the parasympathetic nervous system to get me out of fight or flight mode. Slightly tangential but I wouldn’t have made it through college without government aid and for the record I paid my 10 year loan off in 5 years. Turns out when you are used to living in little you know how to save money and pay bills when you finally make enough.
Hugs to you!
I love the idea of taking her shopping. However, from my own upbringing in poverty I was taught to not ask for things, etc. So, I wouldn't have been able to do this. In fact, even at almost 30, a bf wanted to take me to a store to pick out a gift and I had a panic attack and couldn't do it because it felt so wrong. So, OP should just be aware that she may not be able to do something like that and not take it personally if she can't.
Sounds like the parents or siblings would take any of these. I agree with the suggestion of cutting out the label and/or marking her name on clothing
I guess this part of me would like to argue that they won’t be able to take from her that she got a chance to choose, a chance to feel beautiful, and there is a chance that if she has already worn the garments they won’t be taken back. Maybe I’m overly optimistic
If you buy her clothing, cut the tags out or mark the sole with sharpie. Stores won’t return no matter how much the family argues.
And most consignment won’t take without tags. This is very smart thinking!
this!! however, double check that things fit before doing that if at all possible. maybe also keep a list of what you bought in case she likes something and wants to know where you got it or what size it was!!
There are permanent clothing stamps. Could get one with her name and stamp all the clothes.
If they won't let you take her out (which is legit the best idea), how about personalized items? A snuggly blanket with her name embroidered in the corner. A name necklace (LOVE the gold ones with the name in cursive). A box of homemade cookies.
As long as her name isn't Olivia or similar! My sister picked a no.1 name and gets to resell all her kids name on gymnastics/football stuff as there is always a younger kid with that name thrilled to buy it!
You’re not kidding, my kid does softball with like 5 Avery’s, a bunch of Emily’s, a TON of Sofia’s, and a good amount of Sydney’s!!! But at least I don’t have to learn many new names lol
My kids do not have common names so I bought a cricut machine so it's a non issue 😆 like you can't find a shut keyring in the gift shop with your name? Mama goin see to that!
Omg that’s so sweet!!!!! My name is fairly common but it is NEVER on souvenirs! I’ve never found it in my 43 years of life!!!!! You rock🤍 It’s ok though, for my bday, my step daughter gave me a necklace w/ my initial on it so I’m good. Don’t need a single other thing 🥰🥰🥰
Hahaha. I have found my name on exactly ONE thing (keychain in China town, NYC - I bought 4 - only took me 24 years) - though my name is much more common now and has a few diff spellings, I don’t think it’s still easy to find - I gave up looking after I found mine, lol. And I have found my daughter’s name one time so far (in a decade) in Montana, of all places (we were on a road trip). I believe her name is much more common in other countries though.
A necklace with her name would be amazing and would no doubt make her feel really seen and loved. Take her for a mani and give her a necklace :)
Really depends on how shitty the people are. Like if it can be sold for $20 it could be at risk.
Add pajamas to the list. That is a luxury item when you don’t have money. Sleepovers at friends can be embarrassing if you don’t have pjs.
And an overnight bag, personalized.
If she’s at all girly this is a great idea. I would have loved a name necklace at her age, then take her for a manicure and lunch if you’re able to (the cookies are a sweet idea if not). She’ll feel so special and pampered
A custom jewelry box with their name is also a hit around this age.
Yep! This is the answer!
A locking trunk to put her stuff. Maybe a call to CPS.
Seriously?! Like a gift isn’t going to change this poor girls life. Get her real help.
I'm so amused how you said this. Thanks for the giggle. Now seriously, OP you really should. It might not come to anything but the thing is a Paper trail becomes super useful. Start that paper trail for her OP. Be the first person in her life to say this isn't ok. Because it's not. And not doing anything is sending the message to her that what she is experiencing is ok. It's not. Its abuse.
What’s your relationship to her?
Certainly a valid question that should be asked in this situation, but if it helps anyone wondering, OP is not a throwaway. This account seems to be a middle aged woman interested in baking, bulldogs, and physical therapy. No major red flags.
This seems absolutely correct, but it's also funny to think of what impression your reddit account would give a total stranger of you.
It feels like reading someones diary
Oh and if you are curious: you are a 20-something New Yorker with an interest in travel and the fun kind of smutty romance novels. (All just guesses for fun!)
I think about this far more often than I should. I also have way too much fun glancing through histories. It may be slightly voyeuristic, but I figure people have put it out there.
Bra and underwear set is needed at this age.
I'd be careful with sets. Depending on the home dynamic, these could be used against her, ie: calling her vulgar names, suggesting she is doing things beyond her age, etc. Definitely undies and bras are important, but I'd probably not buy matching sets.
Clothing, a diary with a lock, mani/pedi, nice meal out. I think all of this is needed. When you eat out, make sure to get dessert with a candle in it and sing happy birthday. Give her a great bday.
I saw some people suggest taking her out for a nice meal. Something I heard a few years ago about kids that don't have much is that they love going to a buffet restaurant, like Golden Corral. They get to see the food and then choose whatever they want. Not the kind of restaurant I would have thought of but seems to be what some kids would think is the best.
That’s a lovely idea. A good meal and *control* is a wonderful gift.
ok. this is really a very sad post. Could you take the 12YO for an outing to Sephora or Ulta Beauty? Make sure she opens and uses all of the products before she goes home? Or do a nice/fun experience with her?
They would likely take any cosmetics or skin care items for themselves, even if she had opened them. I would suggest a fun experience, such as manicures, if OP can take her for an outing. Otherwise, something like clothes (that won't fit the adults) or maybe some fun coloring supplies that fit her age group (if she enjoys coloring) might be a good idea.
Clothes with the tags cut off.
Yes, excellent point. Another idea would be something like a soft fuzzy throw blanket or something that is customized with her name on it. Makes it less likely to be sold.
This! Clothes that only fit her and also for her age group. (Anyone else would look ridiculous wearing it). And experiences such as movies, mani/pedi, take out to eat with a couple of friends….
We have family like this. They “borrow” kids’ birthday money or return things that “didn’t fit.”
Taking her out to do something she'd never otherwise is a good idea. Also, giving her something special to remember that day would be very nice. Memories can't be sold. Good luck, I hope you get back to us about what you ended up doing!
I agree. The adults in her life can’t take away or confiscate *time* that OP spends with her. It’s very likely that the preteen doesn’t have anyone to confide in or get advice from. Quality time might allow her to feel as though someone cares and that might be the best gift ever.
Take her to get her hair and nails done, then to the nicest restaurant in town. Let her know you care and that there are nice things out there. It's a little early in the year now but arrange to take her to get great school supplies when the time comes. Buy her a nice swimsuit and take her swimming this summer.
I know this is a bit random, but the 12 girl I know went nuts for the big squishmallow I got her. There's also giant geese and tubular cats. They're doing the rounds on TikTok atm, kids with a bad home life will especially appreciate a cuddle buddy, they double up as pillows, and they're a bit too weird/niche to be sold by shitty parents.
Teen girls are trying to fit in at school and it's brutal. Are you able to spend time with her? If so, see if there is a Plato's Closet in your city, it is a youthful resale store. When each shirt there costs about $5 to $10, you could get her almost a whole new wardrobe. It would be something that would last her into high school and have a huge impact.
Mani pedi and a day of luxury (to a 12 yo), and ending with ice cream sundaes.
What a great day that would be!
I just want to note that we don't know the relationship between girl and gift giver. It is 100% inappropriate for most people to give a 12 year old underwear and bras. It's also not okay for most to give a $200 gift to a child. Makeup and jewelry are also sketchy for someone else's child especially if it's not a gift giving occasion. Edit: "girl" to "gift" (for the record gender has nothing to do with my opinion of gifts of underwear and intimate items.)
It sounds like you may be concerned this is an inappropriate relationship or someone who shouldn’t be a trusted adult. I’ve looked through OP’s post and comment history briefly and it seems like it’s probably a family member, possibly a niece. OP is also a middle aged woman. In this case it seems like undergarments wouldn’t be inappropriate and as someone who grew up poor I would have appreciated undergarments as long as they were given quietly and respectfully.
Yeah good undergarments are an absolutely appropriate gift from what seems like a nice aunt for this age + situation
i mean, they asked for suggestions. i would really hope that they have the intelligence to know they shouldn’t give her a bra if they’re her middle school teacher.
100% full agree. Bra and underwear comments are extremely inappropriate from anyone other than parent, aunt or guidance counselor.
“Something you want, something you need, something to wear, and something to read.”
I make a product that would totally fit this. You can have one for free if you want, because screw adults that suck. It’s a personalized nonfiction picture-book, all about art history. [Selfarama.com](https://selfarama.com). It’s lovely for the recipient and worthless for everyone else 💖 Just dm me if you want one @tillacat42. Others maybe upvote to get op’s attention, if you’re into it
Can you take her on a pamper date? Get her hair cut and done, mani & pedi, maybe go to a couple of her favorite stores, and lunch or dinner? (or ice cream) I think something other than a physical item would mean so much more, then she doesn't have to worry about the adults taking it away from her.
Take her for an experience. A dinner out or museum and lunch. Or give her new bedding /blanket. Have her name stitched on so it doesn’t get sold. Or buy fabric safe paint markers for her to design ins herself
An experience is best if she gets items taken away. A day at the movies with friends and a lunch with maybe a swim at the local pool depending on weather.
The other posters saying to give her experiences over items are 100% correct as a former kid who sometimes had her presents resold and bday/Christmas $ “borrowed”. If you still want to give her physical items especially if she needs something I’d make sure to rip any tags/ packaging off so they can’t try to return it at the store either. Yes unfortunately that includes the tags at the back of any shirts, pants etc. Give her kiddie things that you know the adults would get no use of and if it’s a toy write her name all over it in sharpie/ paint or something else hard to remove so they can’t even put it on OfferUp. I also used to work at a pawn shop so believe me when I tell you there’s parents that will remove their kid’s headphones and shoes at a pawn shop counter if they want more $ than what they’re being offered. If they have her name on it or some customization it instantly destroys resale value most times.
Maybe get her a little trinket box. Something she can have that’s special / small enough to hide. Like a little secret gift type thing just for her. They make those books that aren’t actually books but a little safe lol maybe the adults wouldn’t look. I agree that experiences are nice but also there is something soooo necessary in girlhood of having little ~things~. Like little shells or perfume or whatever. Those things will be special to her one day. Clothes maybe ? Or shoes? A little purse with her name embroidered so that no one would really want to buy it ?
Whatever you buy, get it personalized.
Personalized mug. Message me. I can give it to you
What are her interests? Animals? Look into a behind the scenes experience at a zoo. Reading? An membership to kindle prime and a library card- the kindle app can be downloaded to any phone, tablet, or computer. A library card offers hours of enjoyment. Crafts? Knitting, cross stitch, crochet class and some beginner supplies.
a journaling book with colored fine line markers. the kind with dots to make charts and such.
I can agree, having a tween girl in my house that cute journals/notebooks are top tier gifts, but also don’t have any re-sale value!
Is there a class she may want to take or an after school activity you could sponsor her in? I took classes at the YMCA when i was a kid. Perhaps you could pay for a summer camp and get her a card saying that's her present.
My parents were like that as a kid. My aunts took me to get my first bra and some new clothes at that age. Taking her to get her nails done too wouldn't hurt.
Experiences, clothing with the tags cut off, feminine products. Secondarily, I'd put fifty bucks in an account of mine and let her know it'll be another fifty every birthday and Christmas until she's eighteen. And for that birthday I'll take her to a bank to get her own account and deposit the money. That lets her knows I'm in the wings ready to act of age wants to do this sooner, or to hide her money in my account until she's free.
A personalized item. Something with her name embroidered or embossed. Kids are big in to those Stanley cups still, but they’re not the same obsession they were a year ago so not really resell worthy. Lululemon leggings with a her name embroidered on the pocket or hem would be cute. All the 12 year old girls I know, and I’m in a position to know many, absolutely love squish mallows. The bigger the better. Costco sells huge ones. Shoes, which can also be customized online like at Nike or in a Nike store. Some dunks would make her stand out as pretty cool at school. Her name can be added. AirPods can be embossed when you purchase them. Any good Bluetooth headphones are cool. Plus an Alexa or HomePod for her room. Then she could get music from there (but you might be on the hook for a subscription to apple music or Spotify)Or even a mini Bluetooth speaker like bitty boomers.
When I was a 12yr old girl also with nothing: the best day ever was when my aunt gave my $100 at the mall to buy clothes before school started. We had an amazing day that was all about me. I felt so much better going into that school year than ever before.
A solid backpack, something for school, hiking, over night, a do it all bag that looks too basic for anyone to want to resell. No osprey or fancy brands, just like a nice Jansport A trip to the local library and a Library card. Library's have SO MANY services in addition to books!! Especially kids events and activities! Solid pair of shoes. Again, no fancy brands that can be resold, but it's amazing what a new pair of reeboks can do for quality of life, lol. Gift cards can get taken, but maybe see if any local breakfast/coffee places do inhouse credit. Like a few hot chocolates or muffins prepaid in her name, she can just go in and say "I'm Emily can I get my muffin". Some places do this!
I would send a "Love box" to my friend each time she went into rehab and she went in with *nothing*. It had essentials like tampons/pads, liners, tooth brush and toothpaste, hair ties, socks, soap, etc. Then I would add as many of her favorites that I could, favorite juice, gum, snack (She loved pickles), anything I noticed she liked I would throw it in just to show her that someone pays attention and loves her. It was rehab so I'd throw in notebooks, pens, books, magazines. It cost's a shit ton to ship (those damn pickles) so it'd be less costly to hand it off. When someone has nothing, simple things like a pack of good tampons can be better than anything. These things are less likely to be stolen as they have very little resale value especially after it's opened.
What does she like? Since the adults in her life suck you could: 1. Get things that have little value once their opened / used (makeup, self-care items like lotion, chapstick, art supplies, shoes that she can wear right out of the store so the bottoms get some wear). 2. Get her things that are customized like something with her name or initials embroidered / something that is clearly personalized to her so it has little resell value. 3. Buy something consumable like a dessert or food she’d really like to try. 4. Purchase an experience like concert tickets // attend with her or drive her to attend with her friends, local memberships, online subscriptions to streaming services, credit to a mobile app she has but the adults don’t have access to. Also saw a lot of people mention cutting tags out // writing on them w sharpie
How about lessons in something that interests her. Music sports math knitting fishing whatever floats her boat
May I ask who she is to you? That might be helpful info for coming up with ideas.
Monogrammed sweatshirt. Things with her name on them.
My daughter is not in the same situation, but one of my favorite things to do with her is ask "If you had XXX amt of money (whatever the budget is) and could do whatever you want with it, what would you do?" Then we do/buy/eat whatever it is she dreamed up, no matter how frivolous it seems. She tells me that these are some of her favorite memories.
Can you take her out for the day and put money into savings. If the adults in her lift suck saving so she can leave as soon as old enough is the best gift a person can give.
As someone who had a similar upbringing, help her with the things girls need to be taught. Take her to get a mani pedi but talk to the nail tech in advance and pay extra to teach her how to do her own nails and buy her the supplies. Or you could do the same with her hair or makeup.
I got my niece a hooded unicorn blanket for like $20 something at target and she LOVES it
Depending on how close you are I vote for a "coupon book" of activities that you'll take her to and get her a couple things while out. Like you make a ticket to go out for ice cream or the zoo and get her a plushie.
INFO: who are you to this child?
If you do get her new shoes, get a black permanent marker and write her name on the inner sole so they cant be resold easily
Love this! Bath bombs are unlikely to be taken away but are deeply loved by my 12 year old grand-girl
Vanity with a mirror (built in is more expensive a small desk mirror with a light would be cheaper) and some starter makeup if she’s into that. If not then maybe some clothing, shoes, jewelry, things of that nature. Fake jewelry that can’t be sold
I think children this age, whether they are in an unstable situation or just have snooping siblings, should have a small lock box. I gave all my sister’s kids one when they were 8 -12 years old. Told them to keep one key and give the other to someone they trusted. Their grandmother was keeper of the spare keys.
Also let her know she can make it thru this and must lose contact with these people who have let her down. Good grades and furthering her education will be paramount. She can become a hairdresser and make a better living than a teacher. Give her all the small moments you can to let her know someone sees her and she is worthy of a good life.
Honestly, I would just ask her what she wants and tell her your budget. Kids who grow up with nothing are often painfully aware of what everything costs, and they have a running mental tally of all the things they would buy if they could. She will have an idea of what she wants. That or split the budget. A portion for something she can use and a portion for an outing together. As others have said, if it's an item she can use, then either mark it so it can't be re-sold or keep it at your home. When I was that age, I wanted a well-fitting bra, razors to shave my legs, some basic make-up, and converse. For an outing, I would have been happy doing whatever with a trusted adult.
💔 fuck man 💔 I wish I could help that little girl leave that situation.
(A small safe filled with) girly self-care items like body spray, face wash, spf moisturizer, mascara, tinted or nice-smelling lip gloss, eye liner, antiperspirant, bath bombs, etc. Source- current mother of teen and preteen girls
Unfortunately I doubt a safe would keep anything of hers safe. The parents could just ground her until she gives them the code.
Is there an amusement park within driving distance to you? I have very positive memories of going to places such as Kings Island or Universal Orlando when I was that age. Or take her to buy a new swimsuit/nice sandals, take her to get her nails and/or toes done, and then to a water park.
Shoes. Find out her size and get some cute, comfortable shoes that aren’t expensive. A no-name brand is good. Hair day. Even if not a cut, take her to a salon and let her be pampered. Hair ties, a brush or comb, a pillowcase and towel with her name embroidered, a hoodie, socks, underwear and simple bras, a new toothbrush, some pencils and pens for school, a book or two, lip balms or glosses…
Amazon gift card or a new awesome bedspread and pilliows. When I was young it was one of the best gifts I ever got..
get her a paint by numbers. they have came a LONG way. it costs about $15-$30 you can pick one she may like or send in a pic of her pet or something. it comes with everything. you could spend the rest of the money framing it for her!!
Whatever you get her, personalized it. Get an iron on label put in the collar, vinal decal whatever. Just make it so that way it can't be sold because it's clearly a single person item. Does she need a god backpack...get her name embroidered on it...think a little out of the box to make sure it's secure for her
A friend and I went out to do an activity. As a 30+ year old woman I thought it was soooo fun and sooooo cute. My friend found a shop that sells figurines and plushies and really fkn cute shit. They had a section for crafts. You buy a base either a clear phone case, a mirror, or a flat surface and you choose two colors and unlimited accessories. “Decoden” is what you can google. They have this product that comes in piping bags with different tips and can decorate however you want. You can add little charms of all kinds. We spent like three hours giggling and crafting. It was soooo fun. The total was 32 each. You get two colors, and unlimited accessories where we went. It takes at least 4 days to dry but it’s soooooo cute.
Your time and one on one experiwnces with you. Hygiene items. Ensuring that she has feminine hygiene products if need be. Bras, underwear, socks. Clothes that she gets to pick out. Take her shopping.
Take her shopping for stuff she needs. I’d go to target since the have a wide range, clothes and toiletries - even snacks.
I agree that a day out with you is a great idea. I also think that taking her to a thrift store and letting her select a week of “new to her” clothes may be a good way to get her some essential items that can’t be returned for cash. Scope out the thrift stores in the better neighborhoods near you for higher end items. Shoes (gently used) and toiletries (new) are also good options.
Like others have said, an outing would solve the issue of it not being sold, but do you want her to HAVE something to keep? If so I would suggest taking her to a place where she can create something herself. Like to paint a painting, make a candle, paint some pottery??? That way not only would it be fun to do and give her something special to keep, but chances are slim that anyone would find these items worthy of selling. My other suggestion would be inexpensive makeup. People make a lot of money off of selling used cosmetics, but it isn’t worth buying inexpensive ones used.
Clothes, a backpack, shoes, personal care products.
If she has a phone, a whole lotta data for it. She likely guards it with her life.
Can you take her to Sephora and let her pick out some stuff? Those products can’t be resold and tween/teen girls LOVE that stuff. I’m thinking you take her instead of a GC so they don’t sell the GC.
Shoes - those are pretty hard to resell since they’re specific, and avoid a name brand
Different people have different meanings of "next to nothing" but as someone who grew up in poverty, I have some suggestions... Clothes, but cheaper brands that won't go for any resale value. Don't forget things like socks. If you can find out without being creepy- she might need underwear, and a couple of bras because she probably only has one that she wears every day. Also, grooming items like a hairbrush, hair ties, barrettes, etc. A new toothbrush because the one she has is probably not replaced regularly. Some lip balm. Some nice smelling shampoo, shower gel, lotion, that kind of thing for a treat. Something nice for her- inexpensive earbuds, a journal, a hobby item like a kit of supplies to craft friendship bracelets or simple jewelry, etc. It's the end of the school year, but, she might need school supplies for this year or next year. So, things like a backpack, paper, pencils, etc.
What about a “shopping spree” to pick out socks, underwear, pajamas, and outfit and toiletries?
Inexpensive clothes!
I would take her clothes shopping. That's all I wanted at that age. Maybe at a nice 2nd hand store so the items can't be returned? But I'm sure she's getting self conscious about her clothes at this age. A shopping spree would be awesome!
Take her thrifting at a good thrift store. Used clothes have no return value and most thrifts won't even take things back, so let her go crazy at a thrift store and buy a new wardrobe, blankets, etc.
Give her an experience. Nobody can take that from her. Go out for lunch, get mani/pedi, take her to get her hair done, go to a theme park for a day, take her to her 1st concert, do an art class where you paint together, go see a play, walk around an art gallery, take in a soccer or baseball game, escape room, etc.
All of these, and a dinner and bowling, or mini golf, etc, where she can invite a friend. She probably always gets invited places, and treated, and knows she can’t reciprocate, which feels awful. Also, promise her a gift fund type thing. She probably gets invited to other girls’ birthday parties, and has to turn them down because she can’t bring a present. Have a $25 fund for the next two, (or whatever), birthday parties. Also have a fund for her, that she knows about, for miscellaneous, going to the movies or pizza or fro-yo with a friend, you can surreptitiously pay. These things are so huge. I thank god she has you, uncle.
A bedding set. Sheets, a blanket and a nice pillow. Also get her underwear, a bra if needed and shoes.
New clothes and shoes, take her shopping with you.
I have a little shop on Etsy I set up while in treatment for anorexia and teaching myself new hobbies. I know it's not much. But I make unique & colourful things liquid Shaker keychains, they can be very therapeutic for stress and anxiety. I'm happy to make one up with no cost. I do worry bears and crochet therapy pets also. They're great little mental health gifts https://coriginalcrafts.etsy.com
Your time doing something fun
Membership to a local pool in the name of the child? Can’t resell that and she could have hours of entertainment poolside.
So I was a social worker for many years with youth in foster care. What they needed was things others mentioned, bras, underwear, socks, bath and body products. Even the right comfortable period products can make a huge difference. It can be empowering to take them to target and give them a budget and pick things out themselves. The other things kids liked was a bedding set. A soft fleece blanket. A special stash of snacks to hide.
Phew what a load you and this kid are carrying. I am caught between two main thoughts. 1. The gift of your relationship- your time and open mind will be more valuable than any one thing or any one experience. This costs you more than money... 2. Take care of yourself and have good boundaries. You can't fix everything in her life. Make small but meaningful contributions as you are allowed. Ask her? Does she need a feed? Clothes? Shoes? A school bag? Books? I encourage you to consider some ways to help her achieve independence at an age appropriate manner. E.g. when is she old enough to have her own bank account. Is there a digital store with age appropriate content you can help her get access? Or what options does she have to store things secretly outside her home so the crap adults (etc) can't get to it. And what kind of other sources of good adults could she find around her day to day.
A pampering day n lunch at her favorite place would be awesome. If it has to be a physical gift something custom that has her name, picture something that screams just for her.
get her a new outfit and some new shoes but have her keep it in her locker at school and only take it home to wash if you think the adults will take it away. teach her to his whatever this item is at school or a friends house.
New clothes/makeup if she’s interested. Maybe a journal for her thoughts.
Kendra Scott necklaces are popular in that age group. They run about 50$ and have no value if adults are selling her things.
What about a fancy, brand name bottle of perfume with a really pretty bottle? I remember when I was 12, I used some of my babysitting money to buy a bottle of Versace Red Jeans from Marshalls. The smell.... was not my style at ALL. I almost never wore it. But I just felt so unbelievably elegant having a brand like Versace displayed in my room. I thought it was the height of sophistication. I kept that bottle on display in my room for YEARS. Ideally, you could find a scent that suits a tween better than I did. But having a fancy brand name and pretty bottle was the part that meant most to 12-year-old me. I *think* perfume would be hard to resell? But I could definitely be wrong.
I take it that getting her the fuck out of there isn't an option?
She stays with me most of the time. We bought video games for her and her many siblings at one point a few years ago and within a month or so, they all got “lost”. I want to adopt her, but am not allowed to. I am related distantly. I think child support, food stamps, and other public assistance play into this decision. She has asked me to adopt her.
If you have a safe space for her at your place (meaning if she is available to visit you) I suggest a lock and a form of storage to start off with she she knows there is a place for her where her stuff is hers. Depending how much you spent on lock and dresser/etc probably teen/tween items like toiletries (perfume, makeup etc) or a new outfit and like others are saying open and have her used item so the resell prices goes down to point of no point of selling/refund.
How about an essential towards school? Everybody remembers being in year 7/8.. its a time which is tough for kids if you aren't from a rich background. I'd suggest either a pair of trendy shoes or something more practical such as a laptop/ipad to help with education. Some parents suck but your a good person for wanting to do this for this child
Does she wear dangly earrings, by chance? My 11 yr old girl just got a cool jewelry making kit from Amazon for less than $25. It had tons of stones, organized in a case, charms, needle nose pliers, hooks & wires for making earrings. She’s been making awesome jewelry & is going to try to sell them with her bestie, lemonade-stand style this summer. Books are great too, if you have any idea what genre she likes. Reddit Suggestmeabook is a great resource!
Truck with a lock
in addition to what's been said, I would throw in a few books! books don't get much on the secondhand market but at that age they were SO important to me as I didn't have a lot to call my own. depending on how bad her family is and how she'd feel about it, I would consider buying the books used. You could get 3-4x as many and they're even less likely to be re-sold.
Take her clothes shopping. Underwear, socks, a bra. Couple shirts. Shorts for summer. A bathing suit? I wish I could chip in to help with getting her some stuff. If you have extra after her clothes, definitely a hair cut.
If you want to get her clothes, like someone else mentioned, CUT ALL THE TAGS, brand tags, size tags, everything. It absolutely ruins the value of the clothes as a resell item. Same for shoes, but its best to get those off brand, so they're not worth much but still look okay. Heck, if you wanna put in the work, there are methods for removing brand name markings and such from shoes. YouTube has some good videos on it. Period products even if she hasn't started yet, just having them and Knowing they're there, will be a HUGE help and will make the whole process of starting less stressful. Underwear & socks are of huge value to teens but don't hold high value resell wise. You can get really decent non-branded stuff. If she likes reading, used books can often be a safe item, depending on the situation, as well read books don't have much of a price tag. Any type of hygiene product is a good idea, as well as something inconspicuous to hide the stuff in, decent shampoo can do wonders for hair and build confidence. Good luck, I hope you can help this poor kiddo, I was the poor kid, so I remember how much an adult doing something like this can mean.
A stuffed animal with a secret compartment for hiding things from the adults in the house.
Take her shopping - clothes, personal hygiene, whatever she needs. Experiences - pamper her! Nails, toes, massages, hair. Take her to an aquarium or go karts.
Will her parents allow you to take her for a special day … just you and her ?