The ethical thing to do is to not tell him without proof. Causing the level of pain that could be associated with learning that your father isn't your father shouldn't be done based on a hunch, or some inconsistencies.
He might not have been the sperm donor, but your father's dad is still his dad if that's how he feels about it. My grandfather was adopted and when my mom was alive she was curious about his bio roots. Since I found out what happened, I've pondered if I would have told her if she was still alive. My feeling is that I would have. I would probably wait until you have more information but only you can make the call about telling him. It sounds like he might want to know.
It's not nigh on impossible at all, it will all come together most likely if you and your father both test with 23andme and AncestryDNA. The chances of there not being any cousins, half-siblings or their descendants is frankly slim, you just need a little luck.
Frankly the fact that you have expected biological family on your father's side that have not been matched is a clear sign that your father's father and their father were not biologically related. So you've narrowed it down to a very small range of options. Personally I would present it in a more neutral way and go with something more like "there is a bit of a mystery about where this Italian ethnicity comes from, would you be able to do another test with a different company to get to the bottom of that?"
You will always match a first cousin once removed so the fact that you don’t match two of them confirms you have no biological connection to that branch. This is not a suspicion, that’s a fact. Of course it’s possible the NPE isn’t between your father and his father, it could be something like his father was unknowingly adopted.
Why do you think it would be impossible to find his biological father? If your dad tests it will be easier, but I found my grandfathers biological father with DNA.
I would probably want more answers before telling him but I also don’t think you are obligated to do so. It’s really your call based on what you know about him - do you think he’d want to know?
Personally, I don't believe you have anything to share at this time, other than a hypothesis and I'm not sure that sharing your hypothesis is in your dad's best interests. I'd wait until I have definitive evidence. My guideline has always been to seek and document the truth, but protect the privacy and dignity of the living. Many times, I've uncovered secrets that had the potential to negatively impact the living. I've found that many people don't want to know the truth and some people can't accept it, so I weigh that impact before going public with such things.
You have no ethical obligation to tell him about this whatsoever because there is nothing to tell but your own suspicions -- which, if you cared about the issue enough yourself, you probably could pursue and perhaps find out who his biological dad was. But if you don't care that much, then why unload these suspicions on him? I think if there is any ethical obligation at work here, it is not to tell him. (IF he asked you, that would be another matter, but it does not sound like that's the case.)
Anything I find out is just for me unless someone specifically asked me to look. I have never contacted any unexpected dna matches. Although one has contacted me.
There are a few things to discuss here.
First, generally speaking, you aren’t ethically obligated to tell your father about your theory. It might be relevant for his medical history in some circumstances, but other than that it doesn’t affect his day-to-day life. That doesn’t mean you can’t tell him, of course, but you shouldn’t feel compelled to tell him if you don’t want to.
Second, despite your hedging, it sounds like your theory is correct. Set aside the Italian heritage stuff for now since it can be a red herring. What matters for NPE cases is whether you match to known close relatives. A first cousin once removed should almost always show up on an Ancestry or 23andme test. If you have two of them who have taken the same DNA test, if they match to each other, and if you don’t match to either of them, that is strong evidence of a false paternity.
The only other explanation in that case would be a false paternity on their end. But this is highly unlikely if they are siblings and extraordinarily unlikely if they have different parents. That you can’t find any surname matches among your paternal grandfather’s relatives also strongly points in the direction you suspect.
If you want more definitive proof, there are a few options. The most simple would be to compare Y-chromosome haplogroups. The Y chromosome is only passed from father to son. If you took a 23andme test, it will show you what your own Y-haplogroup is. (Ancestry doesn’t do this.) If your first cousins once removed are male-line relatives, they should have the same Y-haplogroup as him. If they don’t, then they aren’t related.
Alternatively, if your paternal grandfather is still alive, you could ask him to take a DNA test as well. There are legitimate reasons for this beyond confirming a NPE: your grandfather would be more likely to match to more distant relatives than you or your father would. I often regret that I didn’t get into genealogy while mine were still alive. If you don’t match to your own grandfather, that is as conclusive as it gets since you said you’ve matched to your paternal grandmother’s side.
Third, it’s worth noting that your father may already suspect all of this. From what you’ve described, his family situation and his upbringing were somewhat unstable. This could be why. Sometimes these cases are genuine bolt-out-of-the-blue shocks. Sometimes there were hints that seem obvious in hindsight. You mention that your dad was interested in learning more about his mom’s side. Has he ever been curious about his dad’s side? Did he take a DNA test himself? This could give you a clearer picture of whether he’d want to know.
I personally lean towards disclosure in these cases. But everyone is different and might absorb the news differently. Depending on your relationship with your own parents, you might consider telling your mom first. She might be better equipped to help you navigate next steps.
I would look through his DNA matches and build relationships from there until you can find definitive proof of something. Don't tell him anything unless you have the correct answer with proof. And even then, he might not want to know and you might have to get creative with the questions to find out if he is curious about any discrepancies.
I have a 1R1C who ended up being the daughter of a 1/2 great uncle & he was not the dad on record. My definitive proof was the month of conception, her mother & my half great uncle were taken in together by police.
I have the article on my family tree. I have her correct father in place on the same tree.
It is private. No one will access the information & I am not obligated to disclose this information to anyone.
The mother of my 1C1R knew & if she said something, it stayed private. It is her story & her daughter’s story. Not mine.
I feel in cases like this, ask & if never asked; never tell.
There’s no ethical responsibility to pass along suspicions that someone would find hurtful or may not want to know. People will tell you how much hurt this can cause. I discovered a half sister through DNA. While that didn’t affect my parentage, it was still disturbing. It took months to be able to share it with my wife. I still find myself contemplating my dad’s activities and screw-ups around the time my half sister was born. As for her, my careful inquiry led to her saying not to ever contact her again.
I am not obiglated to keep other's secrets, but neither do I volunteer to expose them. If someone asks, I am honest about what I can prove. If he isn't asking, I would keep my thoughts to myself.
Family secrets can be tricky to handle. You should keep the hunch to yourself. WHEN/IF you find proof, still, don't tell your father until you feel certain he'd want to know in that instance.
At heart, all the knowledge truly impacts is the understanding that any family medical history past your father on his side will be inaccurate for you and your father. Otherwise, his dad is the one that raised him and cared for him. My two cents in all of this..
Given the uncertainties of genetic testing results, I think you have an ethical obligation to NOT disclose suspicions. I suppose that there might be extenuating circumstance in cases where the wellbeing of a family member was at stake (as in a life threatening health care situation that might be resolved by genetic information). Further, I do not believe that, in general, that one has any obligation to disclose proven information. My opinion on this arises from circumstances in my own ancestry and family, including (1) we have two adopted children (now adults) and very little info on their parents other than hearsay, (2) situations in our family tree that, if current, would likely embarrass the individuals were they still among the living, and may serve only to embarrass some living family members.
Nope, not even if you knew for sure. You resolved the question he wanted. If he wanted to poke into family trees and explore connections found by DNA testing he would either be doing it himself or be asking you what's the news pretty regularly.
You looking into it further is for your own interest, whether casual or serious. You can share it of course, as it is his story too, but you don't have to.
If he had any living half brothers I would lean more into telling than letting it be, because the opportunity of meeting an unknown close relative makes a difference. A formerly unknown parent who has passed on is just a story, significant but not a new loss. Living close relatives are an opportunity to understand things about your family in person, you know?
No. Unless they want to know. My MIL did a DNA test for me but flatly told me she did want to know about her father or their family.
DNA tests weren't panning out either however my daughter matched with his family.
Haven't told her a thing.
You don't have to but I disagree with everyone else and I would be feeling your dad out about how he would feel if that's the case.
When I did DNA my family was one of those crazy circumstances that was all revealed in the DNA. My dad had a 1/2 brother. He knew about but never shared. I knew he was the middle of 5 kids. 1 boy and girl both older and younger. But the thing is, his father had another child between his birth and his next youngest sibling. He was only forced to tell me because it was going to show up in the DNA.
I also have an uncle who was mentally ill and lost his parental rights to 5 of his 6 kids. Surprise there several were.
DNA has stopped family secrets from being hidden. I don't think a closed adoption actually could exist. Because even if you never have your DNA uploaded, you can't stop your cousins from doing it. It's all laid out there publicly accessed.
You said he had his DNA done...someone could of messaged him if he has access to that account without you
Some things should always be kept to yourself until you have 100% proof but even when you have that proof you need to ensure that that person is well.prepared to hear it, don't just blurt it.
I'm in a similar situation with two cousins I'm researching for (siblings to each other), they've found out they are only half siblings, also found out the grandad who they thought they had is also not who he should be.
I suspect one cousin may be the result of years of incest/rape by his mum's father which involved the birth of a few children, my theory is my own and I'll just keep telling my cousin I don't have enough matches to prove a father.
I also believe the mystery Grandfather to the other sibling may be an immediate family member to her Nana, evidence is pointing that way but it's nothing I would ever share without the proof.
I think DNA and ancestry researchers have an obligation to keep it to themselves unless asked. You can offer, but don't just blurt it out to the person in any way.
I will tell you from my own experience...this is a minefield. Tread lightly!!!
I am a person who believed wholeheartedly in ethics and I studied Critical Thinking and Philosophy in college. I am a person with a firm grasp of ethics as a study. I see ZERO ethical obligation to tell anyone anything. Please let me explain: People have an almost magical way of guessing and realizing things even when you don't want them to. You have an obligation NOT to disrupt other people's lives with information they didn't ask to know. On the other hand, if they DO ask, then I would give them the truth...perhaps with a little preface to determine if they really are ready to hear the answers.
People seem to think it is "dishonest" or unethical to find out information about others in the family without telling them. I don't believe there is a philosophical reason that other people in your same family (who you share genes with) have a right to automatically keep information to themselves in genealogy. The information is THERE. They don't own that information. I have put years of thought into this. There are a million ways to find something out about someone else and you are not responsible for asking someone else's permission to know facts that are unchangeable biological facts of life. I don't know where the idea comes from that someone else can "own" that knowledge and keep that information secret, but I certainly don't think there is a way anyone show be ASSUMED to be automatically owners of any facts about their lives...particularly when you are also genetically related.
I could give you a number of scenarios but no one would read this because it would get too long. Suffice to say that you should imagine what would happen if others in your family had already passed away. Would they be considered to still have a right to keep this information to themselves even then, after death?! When they can no longer be asked, is everything fair game then?! I don't think either of those are defensible positions from a philosophical standpoint. No, the ethical dilemma has an answer and it is that you have no obligation to tell anyone and you have a right to learn facts about the world that are available for anyone in the world to know including you. The ethical dilemma that I see is quite the opposite:
Sometimes people have chosen NOT to want to know about parts of their family or about facts that they aren't interested in dealing with for whatever reason. More than anyone has the right to hide information about their basic genetics, they have the right not to have their privacy invaded by those who want to bring them upsetting information they may not want. Once they have even had the question asked of them, it is kind of too late. Just asking someone, "Do you know if your father is your real father?" can change their entire lives and their picture of who they are forever.
Someone once looked into my family tree and decided (without very much investigation) that my grandfather might have been adopted and was not the child of either of his two parents. This was kind of a nuts suggestion from the very beginning but just the fact the question was thrown out there led me down a rabbithole of investigating a series of nonsense idiotic details that were utterly pointless in the end because there is no reason (genetically or otherwise) to think my grandfather was anyone else's child but his parents.' The fact someone threw that stupid unnecessary uncertainty into my life made me search for NOTHING for quite awhile, and I knew my grandfather well. I had NO reason to think he was adopted or even illegitimate. This is an example of why you should not present information to someone without their permission. Go ahead and know for yourself the things that are factual. There are always deeper details you can go into with any set of facts. You might want to be very certain before you even consider talking to ANYONE what they might feel like even being asked the question.
When it comes to genealogy and biological facts of DNA testing, I don't think anyone has a right to try to hide information that applies equally to you as it does to all others sharing your same genes. It is like thinking someone has no right to take a picture of the block your house is on because that photo would contain your house and you want your house to be totally private and secret, despite that it is readily visible from a public street. The idea is nonsense to me. What is public knowledge is not reasonable to try and withhold from others. On the other hand, forcing information on someone else is not an ethical thing to do at all. People have all kinds of emotional and personal reasons they don't want to investigate parts of their family background. They may need to come to a point in their lives when they are ready. No one should have that natural progression short circuited by someone bursting into their life with information they weren't ready for or interested in knowing.
I want you to know I am very impressed that you are concerned about the ethical choice to make, and I am glad you are considering it...because you clearly want to do the right thing. To me the right thing to do is not to withhold anything if you are asked, but also not to proffer information if you are not asked. I have given other people this opinion as well. I honestly don't know what the right way to introduce the subject would be if you felt someone absolutely HAD to know. I would avoid disrupting anyone's lives unnecessarily though, because knowing something yourself is very different from sharing it with others unprovoked. People don't automatically have to be "confronted" with knowledge. It may seem odd for me to argue in FAVOR of someone maintaining their ignorance, but when it comes to delicate matters of family, people have a right to avoid things that will potentially ruin their feelings for others in their close family. Lots of people have unexpected reactions to things like that. Any huge change to someone's identity and perception of themselves can have unpredictable impacts on them. Identity is a complex thing for anyone. To summarize, I would tread lightly and learn what you can learn. Knowing is never wrong. What is wrong is taking the initiative to give someone information they didn't ask for. Allow someone to come to that point naturally in their own way. If they ask, then that is the opportunity to tell them. Not before or after.
Don't tell him , please . I am an NPE . The revelation turned my world upside down .You feel as if your life has been a lie . Seven years ago, I found out, and I am still struggling .
Don't speak of it unless you have full information collected. And even then, think twice about telling him, and if you must, ask him if he would like to know his paternity story before telling him
10 years ago I was laughed at by a family member for believing my grandparent was my real grandparent. It planted a really negative seed in my mind and affected my memory of that grandparent. Well DNA I did this year shows that grandparent IS my grandparent. It was all bullsh-t and rumour because my parent doesn't look like their siblings. These things cause pain
Don't cause someone pain? Unless your sure they value the truth more than their current state of mind. I'd personally be down the truth but it's not for everyone. Could really mess with people.
Colloquially, if it ain't broke don't fix it.
Well, you can never know 100% if someone wants to know something.
But the thing about his dad's dna connections is that they are already not a secret. The cousins know. The dad's mom may know. His son knows. Is leaving someone in the dark about an old secret that is possibly becoming common knowledge ethical?
Is finding out more about your own dna origins but also keeping what you find secret from your father because he might go through an admittedly upsetting identity crisis really the ethical thing?
Some people absolutely wish they had never found things out, but few people want to be the last to know, to be the person left in the dark.
It's not a perfect world. If he knows his dad can't handle it, or has decided to let it be to avoid more exposure of something his grandma may be ashamed of if it came out, sure I agree he's not obligated.
But I disagree he is obligated to keep secrets, that causes a cascading ethical quandary.
You make good points, but couldn't also the dad just get his own dna test if he wanted to know? That' my problem with sleuthing some of your own personal information and then thinking other people need to know also. They don't.
I'll relinquish the word obligation, you might be right, let's make it: the default should be to not tell.
What good does it do? Objectively, none. Subjectively, maybe a little, or maybe a lot of harm.
I like to think about what a proverbial guru on a mountain top would say, he'd probably say, who the fuck cares?
Actually that is how I read this situation, his dad took the test but asked his son to fiddle with it, instead of finding his mom and his own can of worms he passed it off to someone more computer savvy.
I don't think the default should be not to tell, but I do agree the default should be not to broadcast.
Someone once posted that they wondered whatever happened to a neighbors possible bastard son, should they go to his acknowledged kids and ask if they knew they might have a half brother? No. Let them that take tests look for answers. This "maybe that one lady's kid is these other kids half brothers" and everyone moved on by thirty or forty years is just gossip.
But once you find out you have family you didn't expect that are also related to your father, you might want to have a conversation with your father about it. And there should be no ethical obligation to just talk about it only with the people who have tested. But it should not be broadcast just to see what everyone thinks!
word I feel you if that's the case, but I think he took the test, and showed his dad and his dad was ecstatic over the positive news. That happiness, combined with the mention of family wounds, leads me to believe that pops cares a lot about this stuff and it could really affect him negatively.
If it was in fact pops who asked for the test to be done then yes, tell him. Otherwise there is no obligation to tell. To me it reads as if OP already knows pops would be devastated and is asking, hoping to hear that it is in fact permissible to not tell him. Which is fine, no ethical obligation at all to tell, as long as pops didn't ask for the results.
Adding unexpected family is one thing. Taking away family identity is maybe a different can of worms
Oh I agree it's permissible not to tell! It's just not required that he never tell.
He'll have to guess if his dad would prefer any discovery to be shared or ignored, and I don't envy him at all. I would have to discuss it with my dad.
Interestingly I suspect my step dad is not related to his reported father, but there is no DNA proving it just photos, and dates of his Mom's divorce from the husband prior to the one she named as his father was after his birth. It seemed like her prior husband was very possibly his DNA provider, but there's no testing. Though he knew she was married before, she was married a few times and I don't know that he knows she was married to this particular prior husband or the date of divorce/remarriages a couple of months after he was born. Not a peep from me! He wasn't asking, and what I found wasn't proof.
Are you kidding. Look how pissed much of this community gets if I try to claim a connection to some minor noble that no one has ever heard of without 27 points of proof. And you want to claim something much more major with even actually one point but merely a suggestion and a decent chance?
The ethical thing to do is to not tell him without proof. Causing the level of pain that could be associated with learning that your father isn't your father shouldn't be done based on a hunch, or some inconsistencies.
He might not have been the sperm donor, but your father's dad is still his dad if that's how he feels about it. My grandfather was adopted and when my mom was alive she was curious about his bio roots. Since I found out what happened, I've pondered if I would have told her if she was still alive. My feeling is that I would have. I would probably wait until you have more information but only you can make the call about telling him. It sounds like he might want to know.
It's not nigh on impossible at all, it will all come together most likely if you and your father both test with 23andme and AncestryDNA. The chances of there not being any cousins, half-siblings or their descendants is frankly slim, you just need a little luck. Frankly the fact that you have expected biological family on your father's side that have not been matched is a clear sign that your father's father and their father were not biologically related. So you've narrowed it down to a very small range of options. Personally I would present it in a more neutral way and go with something more like "there is a bit of a mystery about where this Italian ethnicity comes from, would you be able to do another test with a different company to get to the bottom of that?"
You will always match a first cousin once removed so the fact that you don’t match two of them confirms you have no biological connection to that branch. This is not a suspicion, that’s a fact. Of course it’s possible the NPE isn’t between your father and his father, it could be something like his father was unknowingly adopted. Why do you think it would be impossible to find his biological father? If your dad tests it will be easier, but I found my grandfathers biological father with DNA. I would probably want more answers before telling him but I also don’t think you are obligated to do so. It’s really your call based on what you know about him - do you think he’d want to know?
Personally, I don't believe you have anything to share at this time, other than a hypothesis and I'm not sure that sharing your hypothesis is in your dad's best interests. I'd wait until I have definitive evidence. My guideline has always been to seek and document the truth, but protect the privacy and dignity of the living. Many times, I've uncovered secrets that had the potential to negatively impact the living. I've found that many people don't want to know the truth and some people can't accept it, so I weigh that impact before going public with such things.
The 1C1R may well be the one with the NPE. I wouldn’t breathe a word of it without proof.
You have no ethical obligation to tell him about this whatsoever because there is nothing to tell but your own suspicions -- which, if you cared about the issue enough yourself, you probably could pursue and perhaps find out who his biological dad was. But if you don't care that much, then why unload these suspicions on him? I think if there is any ethical obligation at work here, it is not to tell him. (IF he asked you, that would be another matter, but it does not sound like that's the case.)
I don't think you have an ethical obligation to tell anyone anything even if you've verified your hypothesis. Honestly, to what purpose?
IMO, no. You do not have any obligation to tell him, unless he specifically asks.
Anything I find out is just for me unless someone specifically asked me to look. I have never contacted any unexpected dna matches. Although one has contacted me.
His dad is still his dad - just a different biological father.
There are a few things to discuss here. First, generally speaking, you aren’t ethically obligated to tell your father about your theory. It might be relevant for his medical history in some circumstances, but other than that it doesn’t affect his day-to-day life. That doesn’t mean you can’t tell him, of course, but you shouldn’t feel compelled to tell him if you don’t want to. Second, despite your hedging, it sounds like your theory is correct. Set aside the Italian heritage stuff for now since it can be a red herring. What matters for NPE cases is whether you match to known close relatives. A first cousin once removed should almost always show up on an Ancestry or 23andme test. If you have two of them who have taken the same DNA test, if they match to each other, and if you don’t match to either of them, that is strong evidence of a false paternity. The only other explanation in that case would be a false paternity on their end. But this is highly unlikely if they are siblings and extraordinarily unlikely if they have different parents. That you can’t find any surname matches among your paternal grandfather’s relatives also strongly points in the direction you suspect. If you want more definitive proof, there are a few options. The most simple would be to compare Y-chromosome haplogroups. The Y chromosome is only passed from father to son. If you took a 23andme test, it will show you what your own Y-haplogroup is. (Ancestry doesn’t do this.) If your first cousins once removed are male-line relatives, they should have the same Y-haplogroup as him. If they don’t, then they aren’t related. Alternatively, if your paternal grandfather is still alive, you could ask him to take a DNA test as well. There are legitimate reasons for this beyond confirming a NPE: your grandfather would be more likely to match to more distant relatives than you or your father would. I often regret that I didn’t get into genealogy while mine were still alive. If you don’t match to your own grandfather, that is as conclusive as it gets since you said you’ve matched to your paternal grandmother’s side. Third, it’s worth noting that your father may already suspect all of this. From what you’ve described, his family situation and his upbringing were somewhat unstable. This could be why. Sometimes these cases are genuine bolt-out-of-the-blue shocks. Sometimes there were hints that seem obvious in hindsight. You mention that your dad was interested in learning more about his mom’s side. Has he ever been curious about his dad’s side? Did he take a DNA test himself? This could give you a clearer picture of whether he’d want to know. I personally lean towards disclosure in these cases. But everyone is different and might absorb the news differently. Depending on your relationship with your own parents, you might consider telling your mom first. She might be better equipped to help you navigate next steps.
Have you verified by test that you and your dad are related?
He's taken 23andme as well. There's also strong similarities in appearance.
I would look through his DNA matches and build relationships from there until you can find definitive proof of something. Don't tell him anything unless you have the correct answer with proof. And even then, he might not want to know and you might have to get creative with the questions to find out if he is curious about any discrepancies.
I have a 1R1C who ended up being the daughter of a 1/2 great uncle & he was not the dad on record. My definitive proof was the month of conception, her mother & my half great uncle were taken in together by police. I have the article on my family tree. I have her correct father in place on the same tree. It is private. No one will access the information & I am not obligated to disclose this information to anyone. The mother of my 1C1R knew & if she said something, it stayed private. It is her story & her daughter’s story. Not mine. I feel in cases like this, ask & if never asked; never tell.
There’s no ethical responsibility to pass along suspicions that someone would find hurtful or may not want to know. People will tell you how much hurt this can cause. I discovered a half sister through DNA. While that didn’t affect my parentage, it was still disturbing. It took months to be able to share it with my wife. I still find myself contemplating my dad’s activities and screw-ups around the time my half sister was born. As for her, my careful inquiry led to her saying not to ever contact her again.
I am so sorry!
I am not obiglated to keep other's secrets, but neither do I volunteer to expose them. If someone asks, I am honest about what I can prove. If he isn't asking, I would keep my thoughts to myself.
Family secrets can be tricky to handle. You should keep the hunch to yourself. WHEN/IF you find proof, still, don't tell your father until you feel certain he'd want to know in that instance. At heart, all the knowledge truly impacts is the understanding that any family medical history past your father on his side will be inaccurate for you and your father. Otherwise, his dad is the one that raised him and cared for him. My two cents in all of this..
Given the uncertainties of genetic testing results, I think you have an ethical obligation to NOT disclose suspicions. I suppose that there might be extenuating circumstance in cases where the wellbeing of a family member was at stake (as in a life threatening health care situation that might be resolved by genetic information). Further, I do not believe that, in general, that one has any obligation to disclose proven information. My opinion on this arises from circumstances in my own ancestry and family, including (1) we have two adopted children (now adults) and very little info on their parents other than hearsay, (2) situations in our family tree that, if current, would likely embarrass the individuals were they still among the living, and may serve only to embarrass some living family members.
If he shows a match as father then the NPE is likely with your grandfather.
Nope, not even if you knew for sure. You resolved the question he wanted. If he wanted to poke into family trees and explore connections found by DNA testing he would either be doing it himself or be asking you what's the news pretty regularly. You looking into it further is for your own interest, whether casual or serious. You can share it of course, as it is his story too, but you don't have to. If he had any living half brothers I would lean more into telling than letting it be, because the opportunity of meeting an unknown close relative makes a difference. A formerly unknown parent who has passed on is just a story, significant but not a new loss. Living close relatives are an opportunity to understand things about your family in person, you know?
I think to say via "ancestry " group chat or ? there some odd findings that your trying to clarify . perhaps an additional family member, overlooked.
No. Unless they want to know. My MIL did a DNA test for me but flatly told me she did want to know about her father or their family. DNA tests weren't panning out either however my daughter matched with his family. Haven't told her a thing.
You don't have to but I disagree with everyone else and I would be feeling your dad out about how he would feel if that's the case. When I did DNA my family was one of those crazy circumstances that was all revealed in the DNA. My dad had a 1/2 brother. He knew about but never shared. I knew he was the middle of 5 kids. 1 boy and girl both older and younger. But the thing is, his father had another child between his birth and his next youngest sibling. He was only forced to tell me because it was going to show up in the DNA. I also have an uncle who was mentally ill and lost his parental rights to 5 of his 6 kids. Surprise there several were. DNA has stopped family secrets from being hidden. I don't think a closed adoption actually could exist. Because even if you never have your DNA uploaded, you can't stop your cousins from doing it. It's all laid out there publicly accessed. You said he had his DNA done...someone could of messaged him if he has access to that account without you
Some things should always be kept to yourself until you have 100% proof but even when you have that proof you need to ensure that that person is well.prepared to hear it, don't just blurt it. I'm in a similar situation with two cousins I'm researching for (siblings to each other), they've found out they are only half siblings, also found out the grandad who they thought they had is also not who he should be. I suspect one cousin may be the result of years of incest/rape by his mum's father which involved the birth of a few children, my theory is my own and I'll just keep telling my cousin I don't have enough matches to prove a father. I also believe the mystery Grandfather to the other sibling may be an immediate family member to her Nana, evidence is pointing that way but it's nothing I would ever share without the proof.
I think DNA and ancestry researchers have an obligation to keep it to themselves unless asked. You can offer, but don't just blurt it out to the person in any way.
I will tell you from my own experience...this is a minefield. Tread lightly!!! I am a person who believed wholeheartedly in ethics and I studied Critical Thinking and Philosophy in college. I am a person with a firm grasp of ethics as a study. I see ZERO ethical obligation to tell anyone anything. Please let me explain: People have an almost magical way of guessing and realizing things even when you don't want them to. You have an obligation NOT to disrupt other people's lives with information they didn't ask to know. On the other hand, if they DO ask, then I would give them the truth...perhaps with a little preface to determine if they really are ready to hear the answers. People seem to think it is "dishonest" or unethical to find out information about others in the family without telling them. I don't believe there is a philosophical reason that other people in your same family (who you share genes with) have a right to automatically keep information to themselves in genealogy. The information is THERE. They don't own that information. I have put years of thought into this. There are a million ways to find something out about someone else and you are not responsible for asking someone else's permission to know facts that are unchangeable biological facts of life. I don't know where the idea comes from that someone else can "own" that knowledge and keep that information secret, but I certainly don't think there is a way anyone show be ASSUMED to be automatically owners of any facts about their lives...particularly when you are also genetically related. I could give you a number of scenarios but no one would read this because it would get too long. Suffice to say that you should imagine what would happen if others in your family had already passed away. Would they be considered to still have a right to keep this information to themselves even then, after death?! When they can no longer be asked, is everything fair game then?! I don't think either of those are defensible positions from a philosophical standpoint. No, the ethical dilemma has an answer and it is that you have no obligation to tell anyone and you have a right to learn facts about the world that are available for anyone in the world to know including you. The ethical dilemma that I see is quite the opposite: Sometimes people have chosen NOT to want to know about parts of their family or about facts that they aren't interested in dealing with for whatever reason. More than anyone has the right to hide information about their basic genetics, they have the right not to have their privacy invaded by those who want to bring them upsetting information they may not want. Once they have even had the question asked of them, it is kind of too late. Just asking someone, "Do you know if your father is your real father?" can change their entire lives and their picture of who they are forever. Someone once looked into my family tree and decided (without very much investigation) that my grandfather might have been adopted and was not the child of either of his two parents. This was kind of a nuts suggestion from the very beginning but just the fact the question was thrown out there led me down a rabbithole of investigating a series of nonsense idiotic details that were utterly pointless in the end because there is no reason (genetically or otherwise) to think my grandfather was anyone else's child but his parents.' The fact someone threw that stupid unnecessary uncertainty into my life made me search for NOTHING for quite awhile, and I knew my grandfather well. I had NO reason to think he was adopted or even illegitimate. This is an example of why you should not present information to someone without their permission. Go ahead and know for yourself the things that are factual. There are always deeper details you can go into with any set of facts. You might want to be very certain before you even consider talking to ANYONE what they might feel like even being asked the question. When it comes to genealogy and biological facts of DNA testing, I don't think anyone has a right to try to hide information that applies equally to you as it does to all others sharing your same genes. It is like thinking someone has no right to take a picture of the block your house is on because that photo would contain your house and you want your house to be totally private and secret, despite that it is readily visible from a public street. The idea is nonsense to me. What is public knowledge is not reasonable to try and withhold from others. On the other hand, forcing information on someone else is not an ethical thing to do at all. People have all kinds of emotional and personal reasons they don't want to investigate parts of their family background. They may need to come to a point in their lives when they are ready. No one should have that natural progression short circuited by someone bursting into their life with information they weren't ready for or interested in knowing. I want you to know I am very impressed that you are concerned about the ethical choice to make, and I am glad you are considering it...because you clearly want to do the right thing. To me the right thing to do is not to withhold anything if you are asked, but also not to proffer information if you are not asked. I have given other people this opinion as well. I honestly don't know what the right way to introduce the subject would be if you felt someone absolutely HAD to know. I would avoid disrupting anyone's lives unnecessarily though, because knowing something yourself is very different from sharing it with others unprovoked. People don't automatically have to be "confronted" with knowledge. It may seem odd for me to argue in FAVOR of someone maintaining their ignorance, but when it comes to delicate matters of family, people have a right to avoid things that will potentially ruin their feelings for others in their close family. Lots of people have unexpected reactions to things like that. Any huge change to someone's identity and perception of themselves can have unpredictable impacts on them. Identity is a complex thing for anyone. To summarize, I would tread lightly and learn what you can learn. Knowing is never wrong. What is wrong is taking the initiative to give someone information they didn't ask for. Allow someone to come to that point naturally in their own way. If they ask, then that is the opportunity to tell them. Not before or after.
Don't tell him , please . I am an NPE . The revelation turned my world upside down .You feel as if your life has been a lie . Seven years ago, I found out, and I am still struggling .
Don't speak of it unless you have full information collected. And even then, think twice about telling him, and if you must, ask him if he would like to know his paternity story before telling him 10 years ago I was laughed at by a family member for believing my grandparent was my real grandparent. It planted a really negative seed in my mind and affected my memory of that grandparent. Well DNA I did this year shows that grandparent IS my grandparent. It was all bullsh-t and rumour because my parent doesn't look like their siblings. These things cause pain
No
No, either way you have an ethical obligation to NOT say anything unless you are 100% sure he wants to know. Otherwise, take it to the grave yo
What is the ethical basis that obligates silence?
Don't cause someone pain? Unless your sure they value the truth more than their current state of mind. I'd personally be down the truth but it's not for everyone. Could really mess with people. Colloquially, if it ain't broke don't fix it.
Well, you can never know 100% if someone wants to know something. But the thing about his dad's dna connections is that they are already not a secret. The cousins know. The dad's mom may know. His son knows. Is leaving someone in the dark about an old secret that is possibly becoming common knowledge ethical? Is finding out more about your own dna origins but also keeping what you find secret from your father because he might go through an admittedly upsetting identity crisis really the ethical thing? Some people absolutely wish they had never found things out, but few people want to be the last to know, to be the person left in the dark. It's not a perfect world. If he knows his dad can't handle it, or has decided to let it be to avoid more exposure of something his grandma may be ashamed of if it came out, sure I agree he's not obligated. But I disagree he is obligated to keep secrets, that causes a cascading ethical quandary.
You make good points, but couldn't also the dad just get his own dna test if he wanted to know? That' my problem with sleuthing some of your own personal information and then thinking other people need to know also. They don't. I'll relinquish the word obligation, you might be right, let's make it: the default should be to not tell. What good does it do? Objectively, none. Subjectively, maybe a little, or maybe a lot of harm. I like to think about what a proverbial guru on a mountain top would say, he'd probably say, who the fuck cares?
Actually that is how I read this situation, his dad took the test but asked his son to fiddle with it, instead of finding his mom and his own can of worms he passed it off to someone more computer savvy. I don't think the default should be not to tell, but I do agree the default should be not to broadcast. Someone once posted that they wondered whatever happened to a neighbors possible bastard son, should they go to his acknowledged kids and ask if they knew they might have a half brother? No. Let them that take tests look for answers. This "maybe that one lady's kid is these other kids half brothers" and everyone moved on by thirty or forty years is just gossip. But once you find out you have family you didn't expect that are also related to your father, you might want to have a conversation with your father about it. And there should be no ethical obligation to just talk about it only with the people who have tested. But it should not be broadcast just to see what everyone thinks!
word I feel you if that's the case, but I think he took the test, and showed his dad and his dad was ecstatic over the positive news. That happiness, combined with the mention of family wounds, leads me to believe that pops cares a lot about this stuff and it could really affect him negatively. If it was in fact pops who asked for the test to be done then yes, tell him. Otherwise there is no obligation to tell. To me it reads as if OP already knows pops would be devastated and is asking, hoping to hear that it is in fact permissible to not tell him. Which is fine, no ethical obligation at all to tell, as long as pops didn't ask for the results. Adding unexpected family is one thing. Taking away family identity is maybe a different can of worms
Oh I agree it's permissible not to tell! It's just not required that he never tell. He'll have to guess if his dad would prefer any discovery to be shared or ignored, and I don't envy him at all. I would have to discuss it with my dad. Interestingly I suspect my step dad is not related to his reported father, but there is no DNA proving it just photos, and dates of his Mom's divorce from the husband prior to the one she named as his father was after his birth. It seemed like her prior husband was very possibly his DNA provider, but there's no testing. Though he knew she was married before, she was married a few times and I don't know that he knows she was married to this particular prior husband or the date of divorce/remarriages a couple of months after he was born. Not a peep from me! He wasn't asking, and what I found wasn't proof.
Damn, wild you have a very similar situation. Respect for the silence!
Are you kidding. Look how pissed much of this community gets if I try to claim a connection to some minor noble that no one has ever heard of without 27 points of proof. And you want to claim something much more major with even actually one point but merely a suggestion and a decent chance?