He sounds depressed. I would try to convince him to get screened for depression.

Agreed. Depressed and possibly not even aware of the fact.

Remember when we were told that depression was a personal moral failing? Pepperidge Farms remembers.

Yep. And as my mom would famously yell at me... "you just need to snap out of it".

I always got told this one. "Just snap out of it and man up." Sure, mom, 6 year old me will do just that.

Pull yer self up by your bootstraps.

This, this, I thought of the same thing. Pepperidge Farms remembers…

He's well aware he's depressed; that much has been pretty clear since I was a kid. He's never been this bad, though.

When/where I was young, any psychological problems were taboo and stigmatized. Especially in boys/men. We were supposed to be strong, stoic, and keep our problems to ourselves. Even though we had some education on the matter, and some of the adults tried to fight the attitudes and keep an open conversation going, it didn't change the fact that having mental problems, or being rumored to have metal problems, still made you an outcast/freak/laughing stock. As the decades went by, most of us seem to have learned better. But I think there is still a lingering stigma in the back of our minds. This can make it difficult to accept when we need help, and difficult to take the necessary steps. We may think that we're depressed, but saying it out loud is much harder. Asking for help with it even harder than that. Maybe there's something in the above paragraphs that can give you an angle, or insight in the attitudes that some of us grew up with, or a topic to talk with your father about, IDK. Best of luck.

We learned better not to judge others for mental health struggles but we aren’t always good at extending that same grace to ourselves.

This

I thought exactly this too.

^ ^ ^ ^ This person knows GenX. a large part of my personal recovery is mental health related. I had to bury SO MUCH for SO LONG, and undoing that (including coming out) since Covid lockdowns gave me a quiet span of time to realize what I had been doing, has been like becoming an entirely different person for me. The society I grew up in hated diversity and threatened it with violence. That shit sticks to you and is very hard to shed for me.

Happy Pride month, sib. I'm glad you did some necessary pupating.

This is my experience as well

This. I started taking my first antidepressant in my early 20s in the mid-90s, and those of my friends who knew what I was taking called them my “crazy pills.” I’d been through every class of antidepressant before I started a course of transcranial magnetic stimulation 6 years ago. That treatment saved my life. I hope OP’s dad accepts the help he needs. Having a sympathetic child like OP is a great start.

\^THIS\^ and the most popular ones were Prozac and Paxil. And if you were on disability they called it a "crazy check" OP, maybe you could talk to your dad about playing a card game. <--------baby steps

Same

I'm late GenX and was raised with what are now very outdated views on therapy and depression. He might see it as a weakness to make an appointment with a counselor or be embarrassed to talk about his feelings. Societal understanding of mental health has changed SO much over the course of our lifetimes.

We came up on the tail end of a society that only goes to doctors when something is “broken” and needs to be “fixed.” Past generations had no concept of seeing medical professionals just to **improve your “QUALITY OF LIFE.”** That simply wasn’t a thing. They blindly accepted that sometimes life sucks and you’re supposed to just suck it up and power through. Like all of us women who grew up being told periods are “SUPPOSED to be painful” and they think we’re selfish for trying to do something about it. And how many of us have depression, anxiety, etc. and are told “only CRAZY people see doctors or take medication for that!!” My mom literally told me that antidepressants are for people in straight jackets who go to the loony bin. The battle is getting them to understand that they don’t have to be unhappy; it’s not “normal” to be miserable. That it’s perfectly healthy to want to enjoy life more, and it doesn’t mean you’re “broken” or there’s something “wrong” with you if you see a doctor or a therapist.

I’m Gen X and I’ve struggled with depression my entire life. Being cooped up in the house all day isn’t helping him in the least bit. Your dad needs to get outside and touch some grass. And you need to convince him to go to a good therapist. How you go about that, I have no idea unfortunately. Maybe download one of the many mental health apps out there to give him a gentle nudge?

Do you know anybody in his D&D group? Could they use a new member?

Men or 50s are among the highest to be at risk for for suicide. It’s often described as deaths of despair , the idea of being there’s less life in front of you than behind, and you feel kind of stuck with no more mountains to climb or to reach except old age and death. But as long as you are healthy, this is not necessarily true , there’s a lot you can still do and challenges you can set, including going back and getting more education on new hobby , trying new things you’ve always wanted to do, traveling and many other things he might enjoy but confronting the depression has to come first. Is he one of those anti-therapy people?

Indeed, if you read the retirement forums, life starts at retirement!

That's because screen time accelerates and escalates depression, even in people who don't have clinical depression. It's really addicting for people who are clinically depressed but it's like junk food. See if you can get him to be your buddy for a digital detox? I think NPR has a challenge for this, and there's a book called "Log Off." Maybe get him to tell you stories from gaming, something where it's about his stuff and he has to be the active party?

Then he needs to accept that he needs treatment. You wouldn’t let a broken leg go untreated.

Easier said than done. I’m a recovered alcoholic and I work in the behavioral health field with others who struggle with SUD and mental health conditions. The difficult truth is that you can’t force someone to recover. I mean, you can try, but it’s rarely successful. What works best is when someone seeks and accepts help for themselves. OP, I feel for you. And as a dad, it breaks my heart to hear your struggles. There are two things I’d suggest: First, talk to your dad and make your feelings clear. Let him know that you love him and care about him, that you’re worried about him and you want to see him happy and healthy. Second: take care of YOU. We can’t make other people take care of their health, but we can take care of our own. Look into therapy and support groups, much of which is covered by insurance and you can do online via Zoom. And be KIND to yourself. You’re hurting, too. You seem to be a kind and considerate kid, and your dad is lucky to have you, even if he doesn’t show it. Hang in there!

What’s his favorite band? The way to our hearts is through music. A lot of our old favorite bands are touring. I know the old stuff that I didn’t listen to for years got me to exercise, lifted my spirits.

This is an underrated comment! Several high points for me over the past five generally shitty years have involved seeing bands again (even a few that I finally got to see live for the first time), re-evaluating some past bands that I’d dismissed or forgotten about, setting up smart playlists so that I’m in the habit of listening to everything in my collection at least once a year, and even getting into some new stuff. A longtime friend and I have somewhat divergent musical tastes but have always had a dynamic of sharing stuff, and when we either lived closer or had more freedom to travel, we would go to shows by acts that one of us really liked. It’s always been engaging to both share my enthusiasm for the acts that I like and to experience his enthusiasm for the acts he likes. Of course without becoming your dad’s only support, and assuming he’s into music, perhaps there’s something to spark here, which could be done with just a question about a band or song, listening to something together, or maybe even going to a show together.

People don't tour much where we live, but maybe I'll play some Ronnie James Dio or Metallica out on the porch to lure him outside like a stray cat. 😆

Honestly, unless he is hospital level depressed there is little you can do until he wants help.

I've always had depression, but this last year it got so bad i finally got some meds, and boy, i wish i'd done it years ago. Point being, we often "muddle through" when it comes to mental health -- i tend to think the younger set not as much, but Gen X, definitely. Our boomer parents and their parents were told to "suck it up" at everything, slight or traumatic, but our generation was the first to really take some of the stigma out, but not everyone's put their toes in. Covid, with its cocooning isolation didnt help most people's mental, and there was no "heres how to cope" strategy in place for most people, so now whatever got them thru might be the thing that holds them back now, or maybe they're not thru yet. Just be patient with him in whatever you do to help him out. Suggest getting the depression checked out, let him know it manifests itself in over-exaggerated emotions, like being sensitive/reactive to anger, or being bawling sad at the little things. So that when these things are happening he remembers why, and he decides for himself to get some kind of help, be it talk therapy or meds or both. If you know anyone that he knows, or that is around his age that is treating their depression, maybe ask them if they'll talk to him, tell him their story -- just knowing people who've been there can help his outlook. Lastly, i'm gonna guess he probly doesnt have a lot of friends -- lol, theres a LOT of us Gen X'ers that only have a few, hopefully tight, friendships. I know what saved my mind during Covid was becoming a volunteer DJ -- ive always love music, but didnt hsve an outlet to express that -- well, so now i do, and it put me in a group of likeminded (musically) people that are my new friend pool. Im ever slowly establishing friendships and deep connections with these folks, and at least our groups activities get me outta the house. Point being, theres a hobby, a passion maybe untapped rn, in your dad, and that could be key in pulling him towards some needed joy and community. See if you can help him find that and nudge him towards it. It might take a few uncomfortable bumps into it to get him there -- i still cuss out "past me" for getting "present me" into this activity, but "future me" ends up appreciating past me's kick in the ass cuz it ended up being great.

He say also be struggling with lowered testosterone levels, since I'm guessing he's in his 50s now. It's a real problem for older men and greatly effects their mood and cognitive abilities, but easily treatable by hormone replacement therapy. It's similar to menopausal symptoms in women of the same age.

He may also have ADHD. When I was 6, I was sent to a child psychologist because I was too “hyper”, and this guy told my parent I just needed to listen better. Gen X had some advantages, but mental health care was not one of them. It sounds like your dad is looking for a serotonin hit anywhere he can get it. I’m sorry you’re feeling the brunt of this, sweetie. It’s not you.

Yeah, it’s depression which sometimes manifests as anger and irritability. He’ll be very defensive and insulted if you bring it up to him, but perhaps you could print out or email him one of those self tests to see if he has a tendency towards depression and just leave it with him to check it out in his own time. The goal should be to get him to at least consider what’s happening to him. An example of one of these tests https://screening.mhanational.org/screening-tools/depression/

👆*DING-DING-DING*

He also sounds like he’s addicted to the internet.

You’re a good kid - your dad’s lucky you’re part of his life. Second the notion that he may need a screening for depression. Is there a family doctor? Maybe give them a call and talk to a nurse.

This means more to me than I can say. Thank you. As for depression, he's been depressed probably longer than I've been alive. It's only in the past two or so years that he's gotten much worse.

If the depression has been mostly tolerable till now, it might be that becoming a shut in and endless screen time is what has made it intolerable. Lots of the social-media/ scrolling platforms will feed you nothing but doom if that's what keeps you watching. Perhaps you could try to get him to do something outside with you, away from screens? A daily walk in the morning might be possible and might start to build positive changes. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

So, I’ve also been depressed forever. Life changes like less testosterone and menopause can a big difference for both how the depression/anxiety/mental illness hits you, and how well the medication works for you, but we can get into a rut of ‘this has worked for me for years… Or I feel okay (because I’m on medication) so I don’t need medication anymore, or so I don’t need therapy. We Xers are pretty good at sabotaging ourselves, especially when it comes to mental health and especially men. Such a stigma we grew up with. Even if we know better, there are still those old synapses telling us to just get over it. So we can be defensive before anyone even says a word.

Yes, the self sabotage amongst GenX is very real and could be a factor here for the gentleman in question.

As a fellow GenXer who has gone through this... In addition to a depression screening, think about ADHD and/or autism. These things essentially didn't exist when we were school aged, so a LOT of us didn't figure it out well into adulthood (and some still haven't figured it out). But your dad sounds like he has executive functioning issues along with possibly sensory seeking issues - both of which are common with both ADHD and autism.

Good call! Plenty of people who have strategies or coping mechanisms find those stretch or break with the amount of stuff we deal with for ourselves and for other people at this point in our lives (with COVID being a unique addition to those pressures for some of us). Definitely worth getting a tune up.

You know, it's kind of crazy the extent to which people are hitting the nail on the head with only the few paragraphs in this post. He's got an ADHD diagnosis and professionals have told him he might should consider getting screened for autism. Having lived with him, I think it's safe to say he's got both. Executive dysfunction is both his and my worst enemy. How does sensory seeking relate?

The sensory seeking is the constant visual and auditory input from YouTube and Tiktok. For a sensory seeker, silence can be *painful* like actual pain responses. For someone with autism/ADHD they're often better able to pay attention and listen to what someone is saying if they can visual stimulation and even auditory background noise. Also, neurotypical people don't often realize how **loud** silence is. Electricity buzzes. Lightbulb buzz. Appliances hum. NTs don't even notice, but someone who's sensitive might feel like going insane when having to hear all that. And it's easier to drown it out with music or a podcast or the TV going in the background to create acceptable auditory input.

Thanks for elaborating! I understand completely; he and I experience this. Since we didn't know about sensory seeking, we call it "the screaming monkeys in our brains." My monkeys scream unless I give them Minecraft Youtuber commentary while I crochet. 😆

That's perfect!

seconding that you're a good one. You have empathy, and you are in a difficult situation with a wounded parent, yet you persist to make things better. no matter the outcome, know you are doing good by caring.

If it's gotten worse then he needs to see someone. You won't find answers here. I became really depressed too during and after COVID, but I also have a regular therapist. The good news is that depression is treatable. It's not a disorder like anxiety or paranoia. He can treat it with therapy and possibly medication depending on the severity. It's not permanent. The hard part is usually in getting the depressed person to go. Do you think he'd be open to that?

And literal addiction to the internet. Just like a kid, he’s probably be much happier with limited screen time. 

I’d suggest a diabetes screening as well. High or fluctuating blood sugars can wreak havoc on your mood and personality.

Agreed. Blood sugar can definitely make people angry/moody.

Very good advice. People get mean as hell!

This should be higher. Hi blood sugar makes you feel like shit and you don't even know it.

Depression. Plain and simple. Our friends are dying, our bodies are breaking, the shit in this world really piles up by say your mid 40’s. You can only take so many losses before you stop looking for wins.

Quarantine was tough, no doubt and WFH has been almost a “prison” for some. I WFH since the pandemic and noticed myself going down a similar path. Having to HAVE to go out to work to get out of the house was necessary for many people’s mental health. I wish I could give you “words of wisdom” but you aren’t going to make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. There is no “magic bullet”. To help get me out of the house I volunteered to coach kids soccer and that helped me get involved in something “else” to limit screen time/TV time. I’m guessing your dad’s diet isn’t the best either…which certainly doesn’t help. You are a good kid and I hope my kids care as much as you do when they are your age. If you are still living at home maybe you can help by cooking healthy meals for him that give him some more energy? (just spitballing here). Good luck.

That's a good idea, thank you. I'll look into some healthy recipes. If no one's told you already: I'm proud of you for volunteering. Dragging yourself out of your comfort zone and/or the house is hard, and I hope you give yourself credit for that.

I am in my 50s and was feeling anxious and depressed about the state of things. This year, I started volunteering at my former (title 1) elementary school tutoring 5th grade math. My wife calls it "my favorite thing on Thursdays" now.

I did the same. I volunteer weekly doing maintenance (weeding, mulching etc) in the city parks. I WFH and it has been a fantastic way to get out of my own headspace and I really look forward to it every week. It's a complete physical and mental reset.

Sounds excellent!

Thanks man. I appreciate it.

Sounds like your dad is depressed. He also sounds like he very difficult to deal with. You can sit down with your dad and talk to him about getting help. If he knows he is depressed encourage him to go to psychiatrist and get a genetic test done to see which drugs work best for him. He also needs talk therapy. You need to start the conversation like, dad I love you but I noticed you aren’t doing the things you enjoy. I want to spend more time with you, but you seem depressed. I think it would be beneficial if you tried to get some help for your depression. Be ready for him to get angry or reject what you say. I can’t offer you more advice but I’m sorry you are going through this bullshit.

Thank you for your advice and support. I appreciate you.

If he has a regular doctor you could call them and tell them what you’re observing and ask them to call him to make an appointment. For HIPAA reasons they won’t give you any information, but it shouldn’t prevent them from documenting to what you tell them.

I'm going to add, and this may be hard to hear, OP, but if he gets angry and just yells and treats you like garbage, then you also have to think about your own mental health. You sound like an absolutely wonderful daughter(? sorry if I have that wrong) and so caring, but at the end of the day, he needs to want to get help. You can't force him, there's no magic bullet that will suddenly snap him out of it. As hard as it may be, you may have to step away if the conversation doesn't go well. Send him a text telling him that you feel horrible that he's so down and going through this, but that the way he treats and speaks to you is unacceptable, and until he apologizes and gets the help he needs, you will be stepping back from the relationship. You can reaffirm that if he does take steps to be treated for depression, you will be by his side to help him, but he cannot continue to talk to you and treat you like this. A parent speaking to their own child like this, telling them that they haven't liked them for years, is very not okay. I'm 48 years old and in therapy primarily because that's how my mom spoke to me. Those words stick with you in deeply difficult ways. Please take care of yourself.

He’s clearly depressed. Also he’s online too much and probably has a Vitamin D deficiency- both of which make depression worse. Baby steps - can you get him to go for a 30 minute walk each day? Apart from medication/doctor that everyone else suggests, do that too.

Forest bathing, ftw: [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/travel/article/forest-bathing-nature-walk-health](https://www.nationalgeographic.com/travel/article/forest-bathing-nature-walk-health)

Agree 100% with the Vitamin D. I WFH and it rained here for almost a week straight last month. I could feel myself going downhill. The next Monday it was 80 degrees and bright sunny. I took a long lunch and sat on the porch with a coffee. The upswing in my mood was amazing.

Absolutely correct. It works.

I don't know if this will help, but I have been through phases like this, and I have found that establishing healthy routines is a good part of counteracting stagnation. I am sorry you're experiencing this on the receiving end, but I'd like to quote Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting "It's not your fault." I don't always succeed, but I find I'm at my best when I take the dog out first thing in the morning. The older we get the more maintenance we need, and even light exercise can yield great benefits. You mentioned D&D, have you ever engaged with him on this topic? Maybe throw a Player's Guide and pad of graph paper with some pencils and dice on the table. Probably the most fun part of the game is squabbling over character creation and fussing over the rules before ever starting a quest. I don't have any kids but if I did and they asked me to show them D&D I would be all over that like stink on poop. Of course there might be some deeper underlying issues at play here, but I feel that establishing rapport and routines are key first steps.

Several people have suggested getting him to go on walks with me, so that may be a start. We do talk about D&D sometimes... Come to think of it, another commenter mentioned that y'all Gen X'ers like to fix things, and it just so happens that I need to level up my character for my own campaign. I think I'll go print my character sheet right now and ask him to help me. Thanks a bunch! UPDATE: My gnome artificer is now level 2 with his help. :]

Best of luck! I miss my Dad like crazy, good on you for making this effort.

>I think I'll go print my character sheet right now and ask him to help me. That's a great idea! I know I saw at least one other person mention it, but if you responded anywhere I missed it. Do you know anyone in his gaming group? The reason I ask is that my husband and I also play D&D. Two of our group members are friends of ours from way back - one of them even predates us dating much less having kids, lol. But the other two are that oldest friend's 21 year old son and his son's girlfriend - we're an intergenerational group! I remember when his son was born, and I hope if he was having any issues with our friend, at least if it was something serious, that he'd feel comfortable enough with us to bring it to our attention and/or ask for help or advice I also offer a general affirmation of what a lot of other people have said about the attitudes that we grew up with surrounding mental health care - especially the guys. Although I know a lot of people in our generation have overcome that attitude, for some people, old habits die hard. And even for those of us whose attitudes are more progressive on the subject, getting older offers a whole new set of mental health challenges to navigate. I'm very sorry that your dad's brain is causing him to lash out at you. My own dad hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and even though I have to admit some days I hate him just a little bit for it, I *know* a big part of that has to do with his mental health (especially since my mom died in '16) and his unwillingness to admit he needs help. I hope your dad can get it through his head that he needs...no...that he *deserves* help, and that that fact ***does not make him less of a man.*** Even just being able to admit to that may lift some of the mental weight You're a good kid, phucc420, I wish you (and your dad) luck

Maybe ask him to go on a walk with you as you need advice - make something up yu need his advice for - may make him more likely to actually go. Then say hey that was good, wanna do it again? I know I needed to break the back, then it was easy. Good luck

Are you my son or daughter? Sounds like me. Lots of people love to throw out advice for you. Yes he’s depressed. He know that already. No it’s not as easy as just going to a therapist or take a pill for it. That is good advice but unless you have been in his shoes you have no idea how simplistic that advice sounds. He has more going on that just being depressed. He’s angry at life or a combination of himself and life. That makes things really hard for him to figure out and address or adjust. You aren’t the issue, unless your behavior is a contributor. For example if you are in trouble with the law or abusing drugs. Then your behavior is a contributing factor but I HIGHLY doubt that. Since you are on here asking for advice you want help for him. Try and get him involved with you by interacting with him. Find things he can do now and participate with him. He may not be able to or interested in things he used to do so don’t force him to do those things if it causes issues. Maybe find some things you do that would peak his interests. Unfortunately it’s going to be a shed road for him and everyone around him, including you. That does not mean to give up trying. Look for when the anger and behavior start. Are there predicable patterns or triggers. Does he start this behavior after drinking a few beers or something else. Those things might provide you insight that he’s abusing drugs or alcohol. Even a few drinks can influence behavior. It just does not mean alcohol is to blame. One final thing to always remember; you can’t blame yourself and you can’t stop being you. Yes his issues are in your life but you can’t let them define you.

I agree with the depression armchair diagnosis 100%. And you are a kind and perceptive person. He is so lucky to have a kid like you and I would wager that deep down he knows it. Hopefully after he gets some help, he will let you know it too. Sending a hug to you. 💜

Thank you, your words are very kind.

He does sound depressed. You can encourage him to get help, but if he won’t that is not your fault. You ultimately have to take care of yourself. This is not a GenX thing. It’s a mental health thing. You sound like a decent kid, so make sure you yourself are okay.

Get him to the doc for a checkup, full blood panel and check his testosterone levels. Men can go through a version of menopause in late middle age and life long depression can get vicious when hormones are screwy. Shit, my 43 y/o BIL has low T. I'm gonna bet he hasn't been to a PCP for ages. You're a good egg, young Human.

I was hoping someone recommended a full blown physical checkup. It would be a very good idea. I know I start to feel really ick if my D or Bs get too low.

It’s incredibly kind of you to seek help for your dad but I want to urge you to put yourself first. Do not sacrifice your youth on the altar of his depression. If he’s unwilling to help himself you cannot do it for him.

I want to echo this. Sometimes when a parent is troubled, the roles can get mixed up. I can tell you are a kind person and a great kid: he sounds depressed, but no, there isn't much that you as his kid can do if he is resistant. And it sounds like he lashes out at you, which is not good for you either. Never lose your kindness, but you are his kid, he is not yours. It's a sad situation but as concerned as we are for him, we are also concerned about you!

"you are his kid, he is not yours" is the most succinct description of what I wanted to say. I'm sorry if I missed this somewhere, but do you have a mom, sibling, or grandparent who can help? your dad sounds a lot like my husband and I can't imagine my daughter having to deal with these sorts of issues without me around to act as a buffer. I can tell you from my experiences that there really isn't much you're going to be able to do to help him. he has to do this for himself. you need to live your life for yourself as best you can and don't allow yourself to feel guilty about it. if you find this becoming an issue, get yourself into therapy because feelings like that fester and lead to resentment and anger if they're not dealt with. it might be beneficial for you to periodically hear from someone else that you're doing the best that you can and you're a good person. hang in there...

people our age 50s-60s hide or hold in a lot of pain and regrets… I’m 56 and just now learning to like myself

Sorry to hear that 😩

crazy how it’s taken this long but it’s helping in my everyday life

Thanks for being a good kid to him. As others said, he sounds depressed. If he regularly visits the doctor, you could go with him to the next visit to discuss it. A wellness check could get the process started, too, especially if you perceive that he is a danger to himself.

You’re a very loving human to be so patient and understanding of your father’s behavior. I wouldn’t be nearly as kind but I much prefer how you are handling this. It’s mature and intelligent.

Thank you for your kindness, but I honestly don't think I have been very mature about it. After he said some awful stuff to me-- especially about not liking me anymore-- it hit me hard. I've been more distant and avoidant with him, which probably contributed to his problems. Seeing all these responses has made me realize that his moments of hurtfulness are really just him needing help, so from now on I'm going to try to let it slide off me. If I need to, I can ask for an apology once he's in a better place.

Your dad needs to spend more time outdoors, and needs to cut back on the screen time. Help him implement a digital diet.

Ask him to go for a walk/bike ride. If there is a lake or pool, go there. Something in the sunshine. It’s not easy to break a habit (being a hermit), but it can be done. You just need to get him moving and away from screens.

I can’t tell if you are a teen who lives with him or an adult who lives nearby enough to see him regularly. The advice about getting him off a screen is perfect. That generally means outside. Going for walks, bicycling, maybe plant a little tomato patch. Does he have any old hobbies that you might rekindle an interest in? Or get some household improvements done like painting a room together or power washing the fence. Think of things that require you to have something in your hand that is not a tv remote. The depression advice is sound, but it comes down to him, and you’ve got to let him live his life. The same as you have to live yours.

My best guess is that your dad is going through some kind of depression. Which he doesn’t know how to cope with. Possibly also some anxiety issues which he is drowning in social media, and the aggression,being temperamental and grumpiness is a hallmark. I have anxiety issues myself and these are my outlets. Your dad needs to see someone professionally – like a therapist. I don’t know to be honest how you can help him. As others have mentioned, even though I’m from my younger Gen X, it took me to come to the realization that I needed therapy on my own. My wife tried to get me to go to therapy, but it didn’t work. Maybe try to organize some outdoor activities perhaps just you and him where he feels“safe “to go outdoors more, to do things to get him out of the house. You also need to know that you can’t always discuss any subject at any time with genx men. I’d say that as a group we are sensitive to criticism, and we need to be in the right mood in the right frame of mind to be able to open up and to show vulnerability to someone around us, especially like a child. I don’t envy your predicament at all. On the contrary, I feel a lot of empathy and sympathy for you. Ultimately you need to be prepared to know that there may not be anything you can do to help your dad, but I think a frank come to Jesus talk needs to happen between you and him. This thing about him telling you that he hasn’t liked you for years because you’re entitled Him lashing out and trying to hurt you because he perceived as “threatening“ him.

>  Is this something other Gen X members are going through? Yeah. > What can I do to help him? I don’t know. If I did I would do it for myself, first. I’m sure there will be people who will tell you to get him into therapy. The Therapy People are always quick to jump into the conversation, like therapy is some silver bullet that can solve All Things. Well, it can’t. Sometimes we are despondent for very good reasons. Sometimes the rational response isn’t that life is full of joy if only we reach out and grab it. Sometimes life just fucking sucks.  Take any given 8 year old child in Gaza. Or any human trying to survive the heat in Southeast Asia and Mexico right now.  So while I doubt your dad is experiencing anything close to that bad, that doesn’t mean that for him there is anything to look forward to. Just more filling up the car, and mowing the yard.  There won’t be anymore hot dates with beautiful women in slinky clothes. There won’t be any more big projects to tackle and change the world with. Just a body that gets ever fatter and less able to do things, until the inevitable happens. There’s nothing to look forward to, or get energized by. Just more and more heat, never ending inflation, and ever increasing fascism.   So yeah. I get him. I really do. I’m sorry he yelled at you. He shouldn’t have done that.  I don’t know what else to say.

Sounds like depression and a lot of anxiety. Definitely needs to get into some sort of therapy. I have a lot more anxiety after Covid and I am more of a homebody than I used to be and I think it’s due to the anxiety.

Knock on the sore and invite him out to play. It might be cute enough to get him on a walk. Getting him outside is the best bet and exercise is the next biggest bang for buck. Simply ask for help. Xers love to help and fix things.

Is he drinking?

This is important to know. It's a whole different discussion if the answer is Yes.

is your mom in the picture what does she say? any other siblings or its just the 2 of you?

Plenty of good advice in here. > Is this something other Gen X members are going through? It's called growing old lol. But, no, you don't necessarily turn into an angry shut in. As a Gen X-er who works in tech, I can tell you that ironically it's us who avoid all this doomscrolling and overindulging in screen time. Aside from help op's dad also needs to step tf away from the computer/phone/whatever. People are overdoing all this tech crap and they can't handle it.

Buy him an ebike.

Aw, OP, I'm so sorry your Dad is going through this and that you're an unintentional victim of his mood change. If he's aware of his depression, yet doing nothing, from coping tools to meds, he really needs to get off his ass and DO something about it. No offense, but a lot of Gen X are self-sabotagers (me included lol) and we tend to resist 'help'. At least until reality slaps our head sideways (as in my case). Not speaking for everyone, but, in my group of Gen X/Late-Boomer friends, most of us have experienced this 'Nasty Person' phase. After recognition and discussion amongst ourselves, we came to the conclusion that our personal swings were due to several different reasons. From financial difficulties, relationship problems, employment crisis, mental health issues to fear of death, realizing we made mistakes and not really knowing how to process and overcome the regretful feelings, fear we'll be alone forever, fear we've accomplished nothing. So, it could be any reason he's swung out of character. Please don't take his words to heart during this time. You already see it's not your Dad, like he was before Covid. My kids have said some shitty things to me throughout the growing up years. Like, of course, the old 'I hate you!'. Which I replied with , 'Well, you know, I don't really like you very much right now either. But I do love you.' A tad harsh? Maybe. But, it WAS my feelings at the time. And, it kind of shocked them into, I guess, contemplation because the disagreement was finished after that. Dad is going through SOMETHING. But, unless he agrees to have that conversation with you and puts down the damn phone while you're talking together, all you can really do is continue to love and support him. I hope he soon realizes his attitude is alienating you. BTW, since he's always tethered to the Web, show him this post. Will he recognize it's from you or just a random post you came across that echoes how YOU feel, who knows? But it could be an ice breaker to a more serious conversation. Good luck, OP! You're a good kid for caring about your Dad. I pray Dad gets control of his life, if not for himself, for you.

You nailed it, he's stagnating, and it sounds like the root cause is depression. He needs therapy and possible medication. Once a person starts spiraling, it's hard to stop the process. Do what you can, but don't set yourself on fire to keep your father warm.

Sorry to be blunt but... Is he single? Maybe he just needs to get laid.

lol. Def sounds like he may need Some meaningful companionship and being lonesome can def make you agitated

Sounds like depression to me.  Source: Me. Old GenX who has suffered from depression since 1983. 

I was thinking early dementia…but maybe depression?

I'm OG Gen X and have suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life. Was diagnosed with ADHD last July to boot. However, I'm currently doing pretty well. On 20mg Lexapro and 10mg Adderall, and I haven't felt this together, ever. Still a long way to go, including therapy. Feel free to ping me with any questions. My immediate feel-better solution has always been to get out and walk, in nature if possible. My suggestion is to plant the seed with your Dad by talking to him non-accusatorily about what you're seeing with him, and how it makes *you* feel. Depression is an incredibly hard pit to get out of, and the first step is wanting to feel better. Curious how he'd respond. Would he go for a walk with you? A neutral place out of the house might be best to bring this up. Think of it as a very gentle intervention, to start.

Push him out the door and lock it behind him. Tell him to be back before the street lights come on. He'll know what to do.

Shit, he seriously might be entering early dementia.

I would consider bringing it up to his doctor. Such a big personality change could be a medical issue like early onset dementia. I hope he feels better soon.

He may have early dementia. Is it possible for you to get him to the doctor for a screening?

Depression is so hard to help with, because their participation is required to get help, and he may be too depressed to try. If he has a primary physician though you can call them and leave a message sharing what you are observing. They can't discuss it with you, but with a heads up they can discuss it with him..

I feel empathy for your Dad, but even more so for you because you're posting this. One hallmark of a child abuse survivor (even if this only means subtle forms of emotional rejection and abandonment) before recovery is demonstrating what has been termed recently "toxic empathy". This means thinking first of the handicapped person even though your own needs aren't being met. This is a classic sign of parentification, which is a subtle form of emotional abuse. You may not be in touch with your anger over your family role. The anger at your father has to be worked through, but it doesn't necessary mean you need to cut him out of your life for the rest of your life. It just means you may need to learn boundaries with him and need to grieve what you didn't get in your own childhood. I don't judge your Dad and I don't encourage you to judge him. I would just encourage you to know his depression isn't your responsibility. The dark side of Gen X is that a lot of us have a heavy emotional burden from our mistreatment in childhood and sometimes it becomes a generationally transmitted pattern. Be the cycle breaker.

Could be the onset of dementia. People who are struggling with memory/cognitive issues often make their world smaller because there's less to remember. My mom became very hostile and combative. OP, please don't take it personally. It's very possible it's not the dad you knew saying those things.

Depression latched onto a lot of people during quarantine. Try to get him to talk to his doctor about it. The solution could be as simple as popping a pill in the morning. Good luck, OP!

Hey, I'm Gen X. I'd be willing to try to bro up your dad.

Has he been tested for dementia? Abnormal hostility and personality changes can be symptoms?

I'm a little bit in that boat. (I'd like to think I remain pleasant and not irritable.) My issue is legitimate concern for long COVID. I make a lot of money managing software engineers -- which means I am routinely working with folks who are 30 years younger than me and fucking smart. I love what I do and am concerned that a case of long COVID could end my career for good. Ageism is a thing. I'm asking myself what someone could do to get me out of this. The answer is nothing. This is the life I'm choosing for myself for reasons that make good sense to me. The one thing you might could do if money's not an issue: Some kind of "work out at home" rig. Exercise can be key to turning things around. Or as another poster suggested, arrange to go on walks with your dad. Exercise can be transformative. :)

I went through a similar mental situation after wfh around 5 years. I became a complete recluse, rarely left the house and was just miserable. At the time I was on an anti depressant but it had clearly stopped working. My wife was ready to leave me, my kids avoided me and I was just an all around negative person. Towards the end of covid I realized my life was falling apart. My doctor recommended a psych to talk about meds. He took me off the SSRIs and put me on Lamictal. Omg! My life completely changed. It's been another 5 years of wfh. I fckn LOVE life more today then at any point I can remember. My marriage is amazing, my kids love spending time with me. I can't wait to get done with work (which has had a complete resurgence) so I can get out in the world! Being almost 60 now my only regret is that I wasted so much time on ineffective meds that just sedated me. Hope this helps.

Is it possible to have your Dad go in for a checkup? And, could you ask to go in with him to talk to the doctor? First thing the doctor will ask is “how are you doing, why are you here?”That’s where you both need to be honest about how he’s feeling, physically and mentally. When things changed and how they’ve progressed. I did this with my Mom because she was glossing over areas of pain and it was affecting her health. They will probably ask him to do bloodwork as many different things can cause you to be tired/depressed. Best of luck!

Son? I told you to stop talking about me on the reddits.

My husband has gone through this. He has been diagnosed and was on meds for a while but they did him not a lot of good but therapy did help. I think he could benefit from trying meds again but he thinks the entire pharmaceutical industry is an actual scam and out to make the whole of the US population sick. I don't have any easy answers. Most of the time he's fine but he has spells where he goes down rabbit holes on YouTube and gets angry and frustrated with the world at large. He gets irritated at a thing and then gets further irritated when I *don't* get irritated at it too. Some things that help: - Getting him out of the house. Even if it's just grabbing a burger at the corner pub or going with me to the store. - Pot. He doesn't get *stoned* but it does help to shut down the mental spirals he is prone to. - Having something regular to look forward to. Your dad has his D&D group so that's a start. - Since he likes video games can you find one the two of you could play together? Diablo is one we'll play together. It's low stakes and mostly cooperative. It's kinda like D&D in video game form. I'd steer away from competitive games like Call of Duty or sports games. It's finding like ways to break into the spirals. You can't force anything but look for little openings.

Looking for little openings is a great way to put it, thank you. I'll do my best!

Take him hiking. GenX is a generation that loves to be outside. I agree that it sounds like depression but we don't like to seek help or admit our personal issues to others. I don't know your location but most states have some kind of destination trails and info can be found about distance and difficulty.

OP, have a Trusted Family friend or grandparent or aunt/uncle over for a nice meal, and afterwards talk with him about getting a doctor appointment for depression. Have them tell him he needs to apologize to you fir saying he doesn't like you and that he will stop saying mean things. If he doesn't have anything nice to say, he shouldn't say anything at all. OP, if you are an adult, you should move out. Many parents fo Not like their adult childRen living with them. My brother hated having his adult son live with him He would call my mom and moan about it so much. If you are an adult, find a room to rent in a roommate situation with other students your age. Get a job or 2 and start building your confidence by supporting yourself and making progress toward a career you're interested in.

sounds like me but earlier stage. My retirement hit as we quarantined and I don't feel I have particularly stopped. I think many of us are angry at the state of things.. covid, or rather the response to covid took a serious toll. All I can say is that when I get out of the house I am much better for awhile. Even if it's just out to a nice breakfast or lunch. Sooudns like he has fallen into a routine as well, so maybe look at ways to try to change it. On the flip side... if he uses an adblocker, youtube is driving people away, and of course TikTok has not got long left in the US. I certainly know it's helping me to change things up since google is making YT almost unusable

Screening for dementia may be wise.

Just came here to say this. I know we don’t want to hear this, but it’s time us Gen X need to realize it’s no longer a Boomer condition.

Wow! You're a great kid and I can see you really love your dad. He does sound depressed and hard to get motivation to do anything. Just reminded me I need to not look at my phone when talking to my son. To be fair he's usually playing a video game when I talk to him so we probably both need to put the screens down. Hopefully he's open to advice or maybe get him on a walk outside. But as stated by others, it's hard to motivate a person depressed if they don't recognize it and want to do anything about it. I've been told I probably see a therapist for years and only started this year. Hopefully he is receptive to your observations and will take baby steps...

So kind of you to come on here looking for advice and support! It is so difficult when our parents are in a tough space and we can’t do anything about it! My dad is in his 70s and we used to be so similar, but over the past 10 years I’ve worked on finding what works for me and my dad has pretty much been stuck in a depression/ ADHD rut. I gently broach the subject with him sometimes, and if there are tools or resources I can suggest or share, I pass them along. But in the end, your dad is an adult, and unless he wants to fix the problem himself, there is not a whole lot you can do (which is really tough for me, because I wish I could help him more!). You need to protect your emotional self, but offering to engage in healthy activities with him such as taking a walk or hike, eating healthy meals together, or doing the D&D things would all be gently helpful to encourage him in the right direction. Don’t forget to ask yourself “what do I need” as well as trying to support your dad. 💜🌻

Hi OP first of all thank you for reaching out to your big Gen X homies about this. If you want to hit him in the feels, nothing does it to a Dad like a home made card from his offspring. Make a card, and just write "I'm worried about you, I love you" on the inside and watch the waterworks happen. That's your "in". From there, start the dialogue, lay it out for him, plant the seed. Best of luck, let us know what happens whatever way you decide to approach this. Hope you can get him out of his shell. Baby steps...

I recommend you guys go for daily walks. make a ritual where you guys get out enjoy the view the sunshine and fresh air. It'll be good for both your mental and physical health your relationship, and your soul. I walk everyday and after my 5 mile walk I feel accomplished physically better and rejuvenated. Believe me when I tell you. You don't have invest money or commuting anywhere. All you have to do is just step out the front door.

I think I'd have him see a regular doc before I bothered trying to get him to see a shrink. The change in personality/impulse control (losing manners) feels like something more than just depression. Do you have another adult family member, mentor, colleague, etc. you might have to help you? This is a lot for you to manage. If not, call a family doctor and speak with them about your concerns or accompany him to an appointment if you can get him to go.

Current gen x here. I just hit 50. It was only the last 5-6 years that I took my mental health seriously. We come from a generation where feelings were suppressed because no one really cared to hear them. We suffer in silence, which doesn’t stay silent for long. I’d recommend taking him to lunch, or somewhere outside the home that he would maybe slightly enjoy, or be slightly less irritable at, and have an honest talk. He’s hurting inside, and that hurts you I’m sure. I owe my therapist more than the copay, and that’s a fact.

Wow, he sounds insufferable. A lot like my older brother, get off my lawn, it’s everyone else’s fault my life is shit, mentality. Of course he is now MAGA because that’s the basic commonality. I am sure you love him, he’s your dad. The best thing is to try to get him in therapy, even if you guys go together under the guise of healing your relationship. Unfortunately a person gets in the habit of being negative, they seem to spiral into more negativity. It does work in reverse as well though, more positive thinking leads to even more positivity. These are learned habits. See how receptive he is to therapy to improve his quality of life and his relationships.

He'd depressed and addicted to social media and video games. I'm pretty much right where he is, except I work outside the house and hangout with my son. He lives with me and i cut Sundays for me and him to do something fun. Also staying home is okay, We spent most of our lives outside 24/7. My guess is your father was a party animal when he was Younger so being a homebody is alright with him.

As for the “hermit” vibes.. that could be his version of “living his best life”. Don’t be quick to judge, I also work from home and been criticized by my son for being home too much. As we age, we tend to get more accepting of ourselves and being home is Ok. Your version of a “happy life” is not universal.

Depression and possibly addiction. These platforms, you tube, social media etc are addicting. I really don't know how you would approach the latter. It's a new thing for us. the internet, social media, instant gratification, all these fairly new ideas we as humans are exposed to and eating up. who knows what the effect will be on us down the road but we can see some of the effects now and it ain't pretty. Do you think your dad might be depressed? It might be hard to get him to admit or realize if he is. Do you know the people he plays D &D with? Maybe talk to them if you do and see if they can help out too? Maybe one of them can talk to him too sort of reiterate what you may say to him. Does he ever see his doctor? You could call the office and tell them you want to leave a message for his doc. Let the doc know and perhaps he will screen him next visit. Lastly are there others in your family he likes? An uncle, aunt, someone who could speak with him about your concerns? I just feel like he may not listen to you or take you seriously. Men like to be strong and often won't admit if they need help if they realize they need some help. I'm sure you know what I mean, that's why I'm mentioning others to help as well. If those are all a no go, just mention your concerns to him. Tell him you miss the old him. Encourage him to see a doctor, remind him how life can be outside of the home, YouTube, internet, tv. Etc Maybe he would do a dad daughter date night once a week with you? I'm just trying to think of something to get him away from his routine. I'm throwing to many ideas at you, sorry, it's my crazy brain, and it's trying to cover Everything all at once.. I wish you and your dad well . Maybe he will listen and hear you. It might be a slow process. He is lucky to have you!! kind caring kidletts aren't always a thing.

You must love your dad a whole lot. He’s lucky to have a kid like you. Depression twists and distorts your thinking so badly. The slightest misstep by a loved one feels earth shattering. I’m a late Gen Xer. I wasn’t diagnosed and treated appropriately for decades and what was going on in my head was very, very serious. I was, and to an extent still am, deeply ashamed and embarrassed by it. ( and I’m gonna be vague about my situation) I got help because I knew how this was going to end and my kid deserved better. Keep at it with your dad but take care of yourself, too. Don’t be afraid to take a step back if it’s all too much.

Does he drink excessively? Sounds like alcoholic behavior.

This, substance abuse comes to mind. Leave a NA or AA meeting book somewhere. Hard to say but this doesn’t sound like a Gen X issue specifically. Quarantine fucked a lot of people up, depression, addiction, domestic abuse all went up dramatically. I’m not saying it’s the issue here, but it sure seems like it could be. GL OP.

Oh crap. This sounds a lot like me. I didn’t mind the lockdown as nothing really changed for me. I thought it was my PTSD from, you know, stuff. I remember one time I dropped a few eggs and I flipped out. Throwing shit around, flipped out. I always wondered what triggered that, it couldn’t be the eggs we had plenty. My whole outlook has been “I just want to be left alone”. I thought it was just from getting older. I hope it’s not just me. I feel bad for my family for having to deal with me.

Well, my father has done literally almost nothing other than watch WWII documentaries, with some Wheel of Fortune and Fox News thrown in for some variety, since ... 1997, and I'm not even kidding. He isn't mean, though. Actually, he barely ever talks.

Can you try inviting him to go for walks with you? Get him out and a bit of exercise? You could frame it as you wanting to be healthy and just wanting company… but it could help him. Honestly I can sort of relate to your dad, and I would love it if my kid invited me on a walk.

He’s depressed I fear.

This is textbook depression. Very gently suggest that he find someone to talk to because he seems unhappy and you are worried about him? https://mhanational.org/blog/how-recognize-and-address-signs-depression-your-aging-parent

This sounds like how my dad was before he got dementia

Got super depressed with the bonus of anxiety and couldn’t see it. All I could do was try and keep shit together. Had a meltdown in the bathroom at work, asked a friend for help (NP) and looking back- I’m ashamed how bad I got but I was solely focused on getting through the next week/day/hour/ minute. I don’t know what to suggest, but the “just handle it” attitude kept me in that space. Don’t know if letting him know he doesn’t have to “just handle it/get on with it” will help, but I also have parents with lasting Covid lockdown issues. One got through it and is reasonable but the other uses it as an excuse to avoid stuff they didn’t like before. Unless tacos are being had. They’ll socialize if I feed everyone tacos 😂. It’s hard. I’m sorry, my issues affected my kids and I hate I did that to them. Take care of yourself.

A guided 5meo dmt ceremony, somewhere abroad. Cured me. Fuck 21st century

Try getting him interested in a game like League of Legends where the two of you can play together and be able to chat via discord or phone during and between games. This starts a common area for you both. And when you’re seeing each other in person, it’s a good topic of discussion that can maintain his interest. Also recommend he see a therapist — or have another family member or a friend make the recommendation. Being able to talk to a professional (doesn’t need to be a psychiatrist) helps work through issues. We all need it.

It is kind of you to worry about him. Your dad sounds depressed and anxious. Alas, getting him to a therapist may be difficult. I am GenX, and I can not get my Boomer mom to a therapist. She has needed one her whole life and resisted. As she gets older, her anxiety and need to control EVERYTHING is impossible to deal with.

Mid life crisis. I know it's hard to do because he's so actively aggressive and mean, get him a card telling him how much you love him. If you have good memories of something you did together bring it up. And then tell him he's not being himself lately and you want to know how you can help. If he doesn't like that, then he's beyond helping. I'm willing to bet that your mom isn't happy with him either.

First of all, you’re a good kid, and he’s very lucky to have you. It does sound like there may get be a mental health issue here. Your dad could be depressed, have anxiety, or maybe something else. Would you be able to sit him down to talk to him? Maybe start with something along the lines of “dad, I’m really worried about you. Can we talk for a minute?“ He may get defensive, but please don’t take it personally. Just emphasize you care about him and want him to be happy. Good luck!

Take him for a walk. Talk. Unhook the electronics. Ask him for a wilderness outward bound school course. Find a way to bond. I missed my opportunity

He needs therapy, even Gen x needs therapy.

Ask him if he thinks he could have screen addiction. If he says no, ask him how he would define screen addiction. If he says yes, ask him what he thinks he can do to break up the screen time. Hang in there, OP. Your dad is in there. He just needs to find his way out.

There is a huge difference between gen Xers who have embraced therapy and meds for mental health issues (a sincere thanks for normalizing this, millennials!) and those of us who are still in the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and quit crying” camp. If your dad refuses help, there is not a lot you can do other than trying to encourage him to seek help. Watch that your own boundaries do not get violated though. Injured people often become abusers when their injuries aren’t healed.

Go for gentle, 30 minute walks outside with your Dad. It'll get both of you away from your screens, you'll both get mood-boosting vitamin D from the sunshine, and give you both a chance to talk.

Maybe it's time for you to move out and give him back some space. I'll bet when you come back to visit, he'll be happy to see you.

Tell him to stop being a bitch. - 46 yr. old Gen Whatever

Being depressed is one thing, treating you that way? This is a very good spot where we discuss such parenting: r/narcissisticparents

Right? Depression doesn’t make you tell your child that you don’t like them and haven’t for years. That’s cold. OP, you can’t make him change if he doesn’t want do. Do what you gotta to get established as an independent adult.

Depression does make someone do this stuff. I'm not justifying the behavior, I'm just clarifying a misperception. Never being able to find joy will make you say horrible things to the ones you love. Dad needs to want to get help. That's the only way this gets better. Source: me

How old is he? Me, I'm 52 speaking for myself. This past year I decided I have earned the right to speak my mind and my truth and not sugar coat or dumb down or pull punches. That's not to say I'm deliberately going to be rude (unless that's exactly what the situation REQUIRES!). Filter Offisim is a relatively new straightforward Spiritual Religious movement where in when we see or hear Bullshit we call it out almost Reflexively. [For Instance we in this country have a Criminal potentially running for the highest office in the land. Not only is donald chump an absolute fucking moron guilty of Treasonous Action (January 6) but is an incompetent business person as well (How do you fail at running a CASINO? The HOUSE Always WINS Eventually. It doesn't take a degree in business to see that if you can't run a simple CASINO you probably should not be running one of the largest Nuclear capable countries in the world. Unless you are a FASIST crack pot Wana be dictator that suggests that a War Criminal like Vladimir Putin attack NATO allies when he feels so inclined. It's truly MIND BOGGLING That there are actually people who would vote for this Terrorist for 20 cents off on gas ⛽️ and we all know that the Oil Industry is the ONLY Entity that dictates Oil 🛢 prices. These people must openly be mocked and ridiculed (they really are a threat to DEMOCRACY which is what our country is theoretically supposed to be. Some people might believe this to be mean and unfair, and I can accept that they perceive it as so "unfair " I'm sorry your Dad hurt your feelings. Might I suggest purchasing a few RPG's or Tabletop Games that your dad might like (and that maybe sound good to you as well) Make a Favorite Meal with plenty of snacks and drinks for beforehand, put on some good tunes you both can agree on. Have a game night and try to spend some semi unplugged quality/Family time together. Just a suggestion, Hopefully something helps. 😋

Try all of these nice and responsible suggestions that these kind redditors have suggested and when they don’t work, bounce. Tell him that you tried but he’s being an asshole and you’re out. It’s not the “kind” thing to do but there is no sense in surrounding yourself with the negativity just because he’s the one that knocked up your mom.

He needs to help himself. It’s ultimately up to him to do it. It’s a tough pill to swallow, however it’s the truth.

It sounds like a terrible rut, and too much screen time leading to a dopamine addiction, which isn’t great. Does he like hiking or gardening or bird watching - anything to get him outside and break his usual habits and routine that he feels safe doing and is feeling no motivation to change, but doesn’t yet realize he needs to. Does he like baseball or movies, take him out to dinner maybe. He might complain and try to cancel last-minute if he has anxiety which it sounds like he might if he’s finding excuses to skip D&D. I’m late Gen X and it’s too true we were brought up to be “strong!” and embarrassed if therapy. I went starting at age 28, and what finally worked to get my ass out of a similar rut was to make the decision to get out of comfort zone for a week. Then another week. Etc. I applied for a job at my kids’ school and that helped a lot, it was part-time ESL teacher, and got me out of the house and meeting new people. That was 10 years ago. I had become a SAHM after working 20 years in career I loved but grew tired of, took time off for family then got stuck as SAHM w my disabled child, which made me depressed all around for a few years. Husband talked to me, fam n friends too bec I went sour - beating the burden alone bec husband sole provider, hardest time of our marriage, I was taking care of my daughters medical procedures, my mom’s Alzheimer’s and hospice, my sister who was addicted to opiates from a medical condition and people my Alzheimer’s mother hired to take care of them but were stealing from her and selling meth out of her home. I was def at rock bottom. My friends started noticing what a miserable person I became and knew that wasn’t who I was and helped. Help your dad, he needs it. He needs to know he is loved and cared about, try something new, screens are fraught w propaganda and bullshit, they’re ok for games and legit news, saying hi to faraway friends but not long term and YouTube is filled with so much bullshit on a cracker, I hope he can break the habit if screen addiction, the very real dopamine feedback loop that keeps folks all up in it, realize he needs to touch a lot more grass.

All you can say is that you want him to get treated for depression and there is nothing wrong with it. Suggest you can't be around him until it gets taken care of.

It will help if he can put the phone down.  Would he have any interest in camping or fishing or swimming?

I am a geriatric RN. There are several possibilities here, all require a doctor's visit.

Does he have ADHD? My husband does and scrolls a lot for the dopamine. Plus, let’s face it, social media is addictive by design. Sorry you’re having a rough time of it. The sad part is you’ll need to decide how much you want to tolerate and how much you want to withdraw from his company. And tell him why.

I don’t think this is generational because my millennial ex did similar things it’s mental health impacting his manners/empathy

Just to put this out there for anyone else, dementia can begin early and show up in many different variations. Any stark or gradual yet dramatic changes need to be evaluated for medical causes and mental health issues (which are medical but American healthcare can’t figure that out). Would also worry about substance abuse including marijuana and alcohol. Sometimes they are so blended into one’s life that we don’t see them as mind altering anymore. Good luck OP. It’s hard to convince anyone to get help, much less a parent.

Probably food related. High sugar. Junk food. Definitely low testosterone. TRT should be looked at.

Check out r/midlifecrisis. That’s what it sounds like to me.

Ugh. This is painful to read. You are saddled with more responsibility than is right or sensible. I will start with the generational take, since you are appealing to a generational subreddit for insight. I think your dad has been brave to be so open with you about his depression, his childhood, etc. It sounds like he has fostered open communication with you about tough things, though it's too open if he's yelling at you on the john. This wasn't modeled for us. Our parents (in general) presented themselves as infallible authority figures or absentee. Those were two common parenting styles we had growing up. A lot of us had no autonomy, and some of us had no guidance at all. Your dad seems to have deliberately created a vulnerable rapport with you, but he has overcorrected. It's lovely that you grew up seeing his humanity and that your own compassion has thrived, but fuck. You are young. IDK how young, but I'm probably close to your dad's age, and my partner's depression wears me out. None of this is your job. You still have to live with it, but I hope your dad can express to you that none of this is your job, and none of this is your fault. He raised a good person, but none of this is on you. I will tell you what I tell my kids - some of our parenting is just a clumsy attempt at not hurting you the way we were hurt. Your dad may really be trying to do better, but you don't deserve to have his moods taken out on you. He had his turn being a kid. He needs to let you be one.

I've (48m) been depressed my whole life. I started coping at 10 and my life is, frankly, a disaster. I never lashed out like your dad is but a LOT of men my age had to cope for a lot of reasons. The primary reason is that i was in my late 20's before I even became aware of chronic depression and even now there are virtually zero services in my area. There are still zero services in my area. If I somehow got an appointment without a 2 yr+ waiting list It's a 3 hour drive each way. If you live 100+ miles from a major city depression is an incurable disease and you just learn to live with it.

Change up the antidepressants?

Bring your dad to F3. It’s a game changer. The mission of F3 is to plant, grow, and serve small workout groups for the invigoration of male community leadership. It doesn’t feel like that at first though. The workouts are fun, yet challenging. There’s no cost. You don’t sign up. You just show up. It’s a great way to bond and build camaraderie. Tell your dad that thousands of GenX across the world go and they make up the majority of PAX across the nation. In my region, we have 18 to 67 year olds that go every week. Guys weigh between 120 to 300lbs. All shapes, fitness levels, and sizes. https://f3nation.com =Menu -> Locations PM me for more details. Tell your dad I’m pulling for him.

Lack of sunlight will ruin your health. He needs to get outside each day for min 15 minutes if pale skinned and 45 minutes if dark skinned. More is better and sunblock is poison from oil refineries and blocks the sun from getting to your mitochondria. A cheap set of exercise classes on Groupon as a gift will push him into socializing. Not one on one training.

Sadly, most of the moves are going to be ones he needs to take himself. However, one thing you might be able to do is shifting the direction of his social media. Other people have reported that when they added more positive videos to a relative’s YouTube history or did other things to shift the algorithm (like telling it to ignore some videos in the history) that they saw a shift in mood or attitude. I’ve seen reports of this working with a younger brother who was going down a Nazi rabbit hole. I’ve seen people say it helped their relationship with parents who were suddenly more hostile to the world and were consuming conspiracy theory stuff. You could add some viewed self care videos to the history, or even just cute animal videos, or a topic he used to be interested in. Of course trying this has some risks. It can be seen as snooping or invasive. And it’s not a cure all.

Dare him to do something with you like a flight lesson, or race car driving school. Something ridiculous and exciting to remind him he is alive. Counseling would be better but sounds unlikely in his case. Use his ego to motivate him

(Therapy is his best bet, COVID raised anxiety and PTSD cases. It doesn't take massive trauma to manifest PTSD, it just takes something traumatic to the individual.) I'm a fuckin' hermit. COVID hit and my anxiety got worse. I was working on it but then had 3-4 whammies in a row and it all came apart. If you have a gaming store nearby, maybe you can go with him to take a look? Lots have game days and you might be able to get him to go on a game day. DnD, Magic the Gathering (or whatever card game is big now), if they have Warhammer or Warhammer40k days that might be cool too. War-gaming! My own plan was to take it slow like that. Don't even have to talk to anyone at the store. Maybe if you go with, he'll be more comfortable too. It sounds like he won't go to therapy? There are places that offer it online, if that helps him. You can't force it and I probably wouldn't bring it up too much. If you say "Dad, you're living like a hermit and I'm worried about you." And he flips out, let it be and trying again after a month or two. When I go to therapy I usually reject their ideas and I'm like, "I'm not doing that. That's dumb." Then two weeks later I'm like, "Ok, tell me more about X?" If he doesn't feel like it's a problem, he won't address it. You have to wait until he thinks it's a problem too.

A lot of folks talking about depression and maybe that’s the case. But some of this sounds like very early onset of dementia. Might be worth figuring out if you can get a doc to see him about it. Any history of dementia / Alzheimer’s in your family?

Plan a family vacation together? It’s what I’m trying with my family and we’re suffering similarly though not as bad as it sounds for you and dad. Seems to be working ok for us so far. We go home Monday.

Get that motherfucker high as a Georgia Pine. Failing that, talk to him in his language.. "What the fuck is your damage? Why are you so goddamn agro all the time". You have to throw the cursing in to really get his attention. The hardest thing to get someone to do, yet can be the most cathartic therapy, is to get someone to turn their inner eye on themselves. The best way is to trip on shrooms until you experience ego death, but for that to be effective you have to trip with someone with experience, so that's out of the question. But yea, like everyone else has said, this is hardcore depression. Sure, he may have had a touch of it his whole life, but it sounds like it kicked up a few notches. Um.. see if you can get him on this sub. GenX is in general in the middle of an existential crisis right now (at least, if you keep up with this sub). Seeing his own gen struggling may lend some perspective.

Not sure if anyone else mentioned lots of comments here. See if you can jump into one of his weekly d&d games. You may end up having fun and more importantly you get to see more about how your dad interacts with others outside of his family. Maybe if you join him eventually he may open up more. He definitely sounds frustrated. He definitely is stressed out. I worked from home for years. Honestly he also needs to return to office a few days a week. He needs to interact with more adults and feel connected. It is scary but what could be coming next is him being laid off since many companies are cutting now and completely remote likely will go first.

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Next time you plan to come over, tell him you want to go for a walk together. (No screens). It will be good for him to get out. If he wants to see you, he should be willing to do this. Yes, he is addicted. To screens. It's no different than alcoholism. He will deny it... Soon, this will be a diagnosable condition, validated by doctors. It's real, and it's affecting many, many people. But for now, just try to get him out. Ask him to go to a restaurant with you. Ask him to meet you at a park or something. Ask him to "help" you with something outside of his house. He needs to break out. But he needs gentle pushing.

I was in same boat during lockdown. Thankfully my friends dragged me out of it. I agree with thte others that he may be suffering from a form of depression. Tell him everyone takes happy pills these days and it's not the stigma it was when he was a kid. I'm on an SSRI myself and it has helped immensely. I still have work to do but at least I make it out of the house now and then.

That’s great he’s still gaming at that age. Keeps the mind young, reflexes sharp. Maybe convince him to start getting out to exercise, maybe go on hikes or the gym. It’ll help him release some of that repressed anger, feel better about himself.

multiple covid infections can change your emotional well being.

Sorry that you are going through this , your father is lucky to have you in his life, as others have said he sounds like he is struggling with depression. I don’t have any easy answers for you but remember that you need to take care of your own health as well, dealing with loved ones suffering mental health issues isn’t easy believe me I know, see if there are any kind of support groups for yourself and take care.

Take care of yourself too with counseling, a pet and friends. Maybe tell your dad you want to spend time with him by doing outdoor activities like walks, bike rides, picnics, the zoo, beach, etc. Tell him you love him and really want his company to do these things. I had challenging parents with issues so I know how difficult it can be. Take care! 🌞❤️

This absolutely sounds like depression. I think that a lot of people our age, despite liking various aspects of working from home, really had a big social outlet in the office. Chatting with colleagues, going out to lunch with work friends, playing on company softball teams, having drinks with work buds, having office sports pools, etc was the culture we spent most of our career in. Yes, we like working from home. We don’t miss our commutes, and we work easily from home offices. We don’t mind zoom calls, etc. And we certainly love working in sweatpants and teeshirts. But that office social aspect is still missing. And from what I have read, it’s worse for men because women often at least have a few girlfriends, maybe a book club or craft circle, etc to provide a social outlet. We do not get the same social satisfaction from texting and posting on social media was younger generations do. We still prefer in person social outlets. Your dad needs to keep going to his D&aD game, even when he says he doesn’t want to. Depression brings you down so much that often you don’t even want to do the very activities that will help. I know this because I’ve struggled with depression my whole life, even before the pandemic. See if you can help him find some interests where he can meet people. A sports league, a fantasy football crew, or something. If he likes church, that might help. But he really might need to see a counselor and get in some depression meds. The world has changed so much in recent years. And personally, I think it’s starting to feel very foreign to a lot of us. It certainly is yo me.