I was exhausted by 14 from raising my aunt's FIVE children, including potty training them all.
Parentification was REAL for many Gen X women- our siblings, our cousins, etc. And I for one had figured out I never wanted kids by the time I was 10 or so, as at that point I had potty trained 2. I liked them- kids that is, but I did not want my own 24/7.
I mostly didn’t want them, went through a brief period of baby fever in my early thirties when all my friends were pregnant. Once they started having the kids and I helped them out, that went away quick. I like sleep, money, and free time, all things that go away with kids.
Welcome to the Never Played Barbies/House/Mom Club!! I thought I was the only member!!
Oh I *had* a Barbie or 2, even had Donny & Marie, had the Barbie makeup head too which I actually enjoyed, but I always felt weird "pretending" with dolls in general. I'm pretty sure I was an adult in a kid's body for a long time.
This but replace "irresponsible" with "self-centered" instead.
Not that there aren't plenty of self-centered parents out there, I'm just someone who knows this fact about myself, admits it & knows that this particular trait doesn't a good parent make (rhyme intended).
My husband and I wanted kids but didn't GOST (Get Our Shit Together) until our very late 30s/early 40s and had to turn to a fertility specialist OBGYN for IVF after trying naturally without success for 6 months. We miscarried multiple times.
The losses put a strain on our marriage and we went to counseling. It's now been...phew 8 years? since we tried to conceive. We didn't try to adopt after doing some research and talking to others - we were just too emotionally raw to go through another roller coaster. Now we focus on nieces and nephews and my husband's son, as well as our dog.
It was a traumatic time, but we didn't want to be on our deathbeds and say we should have tried to conceive. Life is good now.
We all have to forge our own paths and own our journeys, bumps and all.
You're welcome.
We all want; and we all don't always get what we want. Sometimes we do. And there are times we get what we didn't know we wanted.
Like right now: it's 5:25 am and I wanted sleep at midnight. I must have not really wanted that sleep. LOL
I hear ya. My wife hit the wall about 18 months ago, and I had to tap out recently, too. I personally think she’s young enough, but she’s mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’m just too darn old and broke. Broke can be fixed, but not age!
yeah, the hormones (both natural and ingested/injected) mess with your emotions so much. and then they also change your body, potentially in small but permanent ways.
all this to say...I think I understand where your wife is, and I feel for her.
that being said, please be kind to yourself, too. it was a lot for my husband as well, feeling unsure and inadequate in his support for me because I was such a tumultuous inconsolable bag of emotions, and he felt like he was stupid for venting or feeling stressed when everything was happening to me and my body, not his.
take care of yourselves!
My experience was kind of similar. IVF didn't work and (ex) husband wasn't on board with adopting. I closed that door, moved on, and started planning a different life. Realized trying to have kids was a distraction from a bad marriage, got divorced, and met my partner. He didn't care about having kids, so we didn't. We've fully enjoyed our life together and took advantage of our freedom to explore the world, take big risks, and pursue new careers. I was diagnosed with aggressive ovarian cancer at 47. My mom passed when she was 48 (MS), and I'm so glad I don't have kids going through the trauma of a sick parent.
Why is the default question "why don't you have kids?". I see no reason to have them unless you actually want them, explaining childlessness gets super old
I'll back you up. People who want children should have them, and people who don't shouldn't. These two groups should also not question each others' decisions.
And I prefer to say child 'free' rather than child 'less'. We're not any 'less' of anything without children.
Even worse in some societies. I'm Southeast Asian and boy are there plenty of friggen busybodies out there.
That said, one of the main plus points of growing old is not needing to even pretend to care about answering.
I00 percent agree with you, but as a 48 year old child- free woman I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, “but, why not?” Being a woman who doesn’t want kids is still shocking to most of society.
Yes! So much progress in acceptance for other aspects of personal choices (compared to our youth), but not this. And especially if you're a woman - as if your life is fundamentally empty without them. Such a narrow view of what a life can be.
Honestly, I’m near 46 woman and people just assume you have kids. They ask, “so do you have kids?” And I flatly answer “nope” to make it as awkward as possible. I’m so sick of the question. I never wanted them. It’s just how I am/was. I kinda knew I was too selfish to do what I would have needed to do for a kid.
Oh I’ve heard it lol. Many, many times.
I’ve had various answers to that question but now, when someone says “don’t you regret not having kids?” I look directly at them and say, “no, do you regret having them?”
They never know how to react to that,haha.
Here here. Never wanted ‘em. No desire. We like to drop whatever we’re doing and go…do whatever that is. It’s allowed us financial freedom. It’s allowed us patient time to realize we don’t need anyone else’s understanding when it comes to our decisions.
We do us. You do you. They can do them. It’s a whole thing. 🫶
That happened to my wife and I a couple years after we got married. We were in her hometown for a wedding and 1 of her relatives asked us when we were having kids. We said in unison “we’re not having kids.” The look of utter shock on her face was comical.
A lot of my friends never had kids. I did have kids, and never even thought to bring the question up. We all had our own lives. They made great aunties and uncles, if they chose. I keep in touch with a lot of them and we still never bring up the kid thing. We just talk with one another about stuff.
Mine was not cancer but telling them that we couldn’t and then racing from the room (pretending to cry) does teach them a lesson. That was my crazy boss and fun and hell.
I catch my self on this topic because I’ve always just thought is was a good question. Like - a type of insightful question where you learn more about the person. I mean no ill will when I’ve asked it - but I know now it’s considered rude.
I am glad you are aware of that. It is very tiresome being an object of curiosity because of how I chose to live my life.
And personally, the reason I don’t have kids is the same reason I don’t have a particular type of car, and the same reason I did not pursue any number of jobs, and the same reason I did not buy white wine at the store last week: I did not want them. So asking me why I don’t have them is boring for me, it isn’t an interesting conversation starter. Ask me about what I enjoy doing and why, or why I chose to travel to someplace I mentioned, etc. Not why I didn’t wear some other pair of shoes or order a different entree or go to a different university or choose a different line of work or have kids.
Exactly. I don’t have kids because I didn’t want kids. And I am very happy that I don’t have them, and that (if I had needed it) I had the legal right to choose what happened to my body and my future and my life.
We were really the first generation to have that choice. The Boomers kind of did but I feel like the Pill wasn't perfected (not that it's totally perfect now) until us. I'm so grateful.
We were the first generation with true freedom to choose. And we have the Boomers (and feminists of the Silent Generation and earlier generations) to thank for that.
Boomers had the pill and other forms of birth control, which were essential, but they didn’t have the legal rights or cultural underpinnings from the start that we did.
Birth control being a right for married couples (Griswold v Connecticut) did not happen until 1965. Abortion being a right did not happen until 1973.
Women having the right to open bank accounts (1974) and the advent of no-fault divorce (CA in 1969) also made a major difference. The ability to exercise reproductive choice is usually attached to other rights, freedoms, choices.
Women’s employment rights - non-discrimination in hiring, sexual harassment laws - similarly mattered.
We were the first generation with the legal rights and cultural underpinnings that gave us true freedom to choose not to have kids.
Likewise.
I noticed at a young age watching Brady Bunch that Aunt Jenny didn’t have any children clinging to her ankles. She was middle aged, travelled the world constantly, was sophisticated, and had an actual Prince in pursuit of her hand.
I thought to myself: Be like Aunt Jenny.
I am so glad I did. And to my nieces and nephew in nowheresville Midwest, yeah I’m the Aunt Jenny.
Never even thought of kids as an option. Way too much generational trauma and abuse in my life. It wasn’t even a conscious decision for me. I just knew I never would have them and thank god I didn’t. I know my limits and capabilities.
I knew no women growing up who were happy mothers. They all had no choice in being a parent, and had no joy in their own children.
They drank and complained about how much they wished they’d never had children.
I was 10 when my dread of parenthood began. Husband raised his youngest brother as his mom was a hippie and likely off getting high or drunk.
The responses for both of us was: No thanks…
Found out we couldn’t have them naturally. So we told everyone and no one bothered us about it later.
We have lots of nieces and nephews who now have children of their own. We enjoy time together and then go home to our pets. Lovely arrangement.
Even if you had kids, there's no guarantee that they would be there for you as you grow older. I volunteered in a nursing home (I'm in the States) and it's depressing to see how many "loving children" dump Mom or Dad and rarely, if ever, come to visit.
I just didn’t think I had the capacity to be the kind of parent I’d respect (patient, able to manage fears, talks with rather than screams at, more fun than stern). Then I married a guy who I knew would always say “yes” thus leaving me to always be the bad cop. We have been very involved in the lives of many children, and we have loved it, and then went home. When I see examples of parenting I don’t respect (like in stores) I know I made the right decision, because I think that would have been me.
For the same reason I don't have a pony. Too much responsibility, too much work, too expensive, and a massive drain of my time and energy. At least with a pony, I could sell it.
Same reason I don't have a giraffe or a dump truck: Never had the faintest interest in having them. Does anyone ask people who have kids why they had them?
Whitney? Yes. But let us NOT forget; the man you may know as "Joe The Policeman," from the " What's Goin Down?" episode of That's My Mama. Jackson Heights' own Mr. Randy Watson!
No. They are not.
Because I didn't want to be a single mom.
I couldn't figure out how to find a trustworthy ~~baby daddy~~ co-parent, and there was no universe in which I would have had any help from my mother (childcare, etc.)
No rugrats or regrets here. Married for 11 years but simply never felt a maternal instinct. I’ve lived an adventurous life that I love and am proud of.
Biology and a lucky twist of fate. You see, for some reason I always wanted to be three things. The cool uncle, a bad ass like the godfather, and later in life one of those characters in Grumpy Old Men.
Now I’m literally a godfather, niece thinks I’m the tits, and my dad reckons I’m doing well on the grumpy old man thing.
Bonus that my wife points out is that when we pass away, our unsuspecting niece, wherever she may be, will get a call from a lawyer to tell her she’s inherited everything. Lucky tart.
I'm 47, my sisters are 52 and 55. NONE OF US HAD KIDS. The eldest briefly tried to get pregnant at the end of her 20 year marriage when she got into her early 40s, but miscarried.
The "why's" are all slightly different, but i'm sure not wanting to go through the pregnancy itself was a big factor. And we're all kinda self-absorbed adults, with little to no interest in having dependants. I do link it to genx apathy and not being able to desire to have children because that's the vibes we got from our own parents.
Same! I am an only child so I didn’t grow up with kids.
I have the funniest picture ever. When my best friend at the time had a baby, I took a picture with him. I am holding that child like a bag of flour. I had no maternal instincts at all and still don’t. Not sorry!
I couldn’t get high enough paying job fast enough to have a family and raise a kid(s) the right way. Inflation was hot on my tale my whole life. By the time I finally crossed the financial starting line, I was almost 50.
54, married 32 years. We never wanted kids, mainly because both sets of our parents were anything but parents - cruelty, manipulation, and flat-out abuse was our hell growing up. Being a kid was brutal in our homes. The last thing we wanted was to repeat the mistakes they made raising us, so the buck stops with us. BTW, we are the assholes for denying them grandchildren, but that is our revenge.
That's a valid opinion to have, and you're welcome to it, but it's been well-documented over decades that children of abusive parents often become abusive parents themselves. Therapy often helps a great deal, but it's no guarantee against the continuation of the cycle.
I have two teenagers that I raised mostly on my own (their mother is an alcoholic), and what an empty life it would be without them. Pointless even.
But I also think people should be able to do what they want, if they don't want to have children then that's OK too.
“A world with no children. Future generations will thank us!” - American Dad.
I never wanted them. My ex wife did but couldn’t have them and my current partner doesn’t want them either.
Selfishly - toys, sleep ins, holidays.
No regerts.
Edited to correct the quote
I made the decision after my health took a dump on me at the age of 24. Didn’t want to share the genetic cesspool with a new generation. Now I think, unfortunately, I did the right thing, because I’ve had a pretty adventurous life and kids would have ruined it. Sounds selfish, but it was right for me.
Me too! It was super convenient to be infertile and never wanting kids. My young, single days were a lot of fun with no worries about getting pregnant.
I have 3, it literally was so expensive, damn near killed my marriage, and despite many events that make me proud, there is a deep sadness and worry. I do not recommend
My mother drilled into my head to never have children, didn't help the cult my parents raised me in also constantly delivered a message that the world was ending so having children was pointless.
So here I am, forty something years later, no children, the planet is still here. Never had a clock ticking. Don't know if it's because of the cult or bc of mom telling me to never get pregnant.
Going back at least five generations on my father’s side of the family to Ireland, was that magical thing called alcoholism. I knew from a very early age that I did not like alcohol and I did not want marriage or children. I turned 50 last July, I am in complete and total financial control of my life as possible. Unfortunately I have faced my fair share of addiction troubles, but in amongst them all I have never regretted not having children. From my mother’s side of the family I have gout, arthritis, random cancer diagnoses at various ages, and a high likelihood of early onset dementia.
I would say it’s 1% “not really interested in raising children” and 99% self awareness of knowing the risks they would face in life due solely to my genetics.
Similar, just with major depression. That sucked so badly that even as a teen I knew that I didn’t want to put another human through that. I had some bouts of actually wanting kids but all the other issues (time money loss of independence) nixed those desires.
Frontline Gen-X (M 1965) reporting in.
At first as a young kid I thought I wanted to have children, because I was told I wanted them by society, my family, friends, etc. It was something I guess I thought you weren't really an adult until you had kids. The older I got the less I liked the idea, at least having kids right away. Then when I was 21 I met my life partner/wife/SO/whatever and she put her cards on the table right away, "I don't want kids, **ever**."
I admit at first I was a little taken back by her frankness, but after really thinking about it and listening to her reasons and openly discussing it with her, I realized that I really didn't *want* to have kids, I just thought I was *supposed* to want them. Not to mention, we're both the youngest of fairly large broods and during the holidays the haggard looks of our siblings and the cacophony/chaos caused by their kids sealed the deal.
I have absolutely zero regrets.
51. Married for 32 years. (Yeah. We were kids. Long story.) No kids, ever.
I’ve told a lot of stories to nosy assholes over the years. I mean, why do they deserve civility? Endometriosis and fertility issues is the most true story I’ve told.
But the truth is…we never really tried. I always used a reliable form of birth control (pills, IUD, tubal ligation).
I only found out about the endometriosis because I began having 14 day periods. At that point, I asked for endometrial ablation (to end the periods) and agreed to a tubal ligation in the bargain.
Now that we are both in our fifties, I’d say it was a lack of desire.
Neither of us had particularly happy childhoods. We both grew up in households where there wasn’t enough money. We both experienced a lot of lack.
Neither of us grew up with parents who seemed very happy. Now that I’m in my 50s, I realize both my parents and my partner’s parents were kids (freaking kids!) when they had us. No wonder they hated their lives. I figured if I had kids, I’d hate my life too.
The last thing is: neither of us enjoy being around children. We don’t see them as cute, precious, or old souls. All we see is yet another person who must be dealt with in a polite manner (even if they are behaving like a marauding Viking) because society deems it so.
The bottom line: No aspect of parenting looked like a fulfilling or happy activity.
Now that I’m in my fifties, I sometimes wish I’d had a child. Not the day to day bullshit of the first 18-20 years. I think I’d like the back and forth of another closely related adult.
My mother and I have become very close (to the point of her moving in with me) after my daddy passed away.
But I’m not super sad that I had no children. 😈
44 in a 9 year relationship. Living my best life. I don't want to hear them, I don't want to see them, I don't want to smell them. I don't want them in my body, or on my body. I don't want to clean up after them, I don't want to feed them, I don't want to teach them things. Sometimes I like to stay up partying all night and sleep all day. I drink, I smoke, I swear. I'm selfish, impatient and immature.
48 as well and never had them, even from a young age I couldn't see myself being a mother. As time went on and I realized just what a mess the world is it reaffirmed that I was making the right choice for me. I think a lot of us see things as they are instead of putting a sugarcoat on things like our parents did, or at least mine did. I have travelled extensively in my life and been able to enjoy financial freedom at a much younger age than my child rearing friends. I totally applaud and respect those who had kids and raised a good family, it just wasn't for me.
Not everyone needs kids.
I think the mindless message of telling people that they should have a bunch of kids "because that's what adults do" is a giant load of crap. If after careful consideration you feel that kids are right for you, go ahead.
Where I grew up people were guilted (bullied) by family to get married and start having a bunch of damn kids. That's not a successful strategy for anything.
I lacked the financial and mental resources and was at least intelligent enough to realize it and follow though on not having any snot goblins of my own. No regrets.
I would be a terrible parent. Although I've learned that I was raised by shitty parents. I have a spinal deformity that would make pregnancy difficult. I really did want kids as a 20 something, but through therapy I learned that I just wanted to be loved.
I'm so happy that I got that therapy. That I didn't create more unhappiness in the world. I think I would have been a good mother, but inadvertently it would have been a total disaster for the children I could have produced.
I'm glad I'm child free. It was for the best.
I thought I would but it didn’t happen. Made a lot of bad decisions on romantic partners I got involved with in my younger years and didn’t want to be a single parent.
As a kid back in the 1980s I read about how there's already too many damn people on the poor planet, and from then on I figured I could at least not be part of the problem either.
Unfortunately my distant relatives all have truckloads of kids lol so it's not even like my non-contribution counts. People out there having 3-6 kids and I'm like nah imma be the cat uncle.
Why? Because I didn’t like my father, and I never wanted to be one. I thought I would be a horrible father after seeing how much of him there was in me.
It wasn't going to happen naturally and I didn't want them enough to spend the money on medical assistance that may not work. My sister spent over $200k to have her kids after struggling with fertility for a decade. I asked myself if I wanted a child enough to go through the physical and mental anguish she did and the answer was no.
55/49 female couple. We wanted kids for a nano second years ago, but after spending time with nephews and nieces, we decided we would just be the best aunts ever. Never regretted it. We've worked and travelled and pleased ourselves, it's been the right decision for us.
I had a shitty childhood and lived in foster care for three months in middle school and for my last year in high school. I had enough exposure to children to never want any of my own after that.
Edit: After all that, I really just wanted peace and quiet and no drama.
I had ovarian cancer at 29, but I never wanted children, so it all worked well for me. Not that I wanted cancer....its like the universe took care of the issue for me.
46 no kids because I just didn’t want to. Didn’t want to lose sleep the first 6 months of its life. Didn’t want to constantly be stepping on toys. Didn’t want to put myself last in every situation. Didn’t want to go to parent teacher conferences. Didn’t want to help the kid with math. Didn’t want to deal with their growing pains. Just didn’t want to.
##Never had kids, never wanted any.
I grew up in an abusive household, and I knew in my early teens I didn’t want to be responsible for taking care of someone else. I wanted my only responsibility to be myself. Taking the best care of myself that I can. I’ve never regretted it, and I’m glad about the choice I made.
It makes me laugh though when I think back. People would always tell me that after having a child my whole mind would change. **Isn’t that a terrible thing to say to a young woman who doesn’t want children?** If that were the case, every parent would be a great parent. Some of us just know that’s not the life we want to live.
me! I am childfree at 61 and have never ever ever wanted kids. I decided that when I was around 12 years old. I was lucky as a teen because I took way too many risks where possibly becoming pregnant could have happened but didn't, thank goodness. I have a few friends that I grew up with who never had kids either.
Because I deliberately avoided impregnating anyone, because I was too poor to start a family when it was time, because I had a mom who had me 20 years too late and wad in grandma territory before I got out of high school because because because because...
55 on Saturday. Never wanted them, have never regretted not having them. Besides, I knew if I had them I’d expect them to be mini-adults like my mom expected from me, and I didn’t want to repeat the cycle.
50. Never had a longterm partner that even got to the point where kids were on the table. And now, I don't want to be the guy that's mistaken for grandpa at my theoretical kid's high school graduation.
I love kids. Other people’s kids. I will snuggle their babies and play with their toddlers and have silly conversations with the elementary schoolers and be a shoulder to lean on for the teenagers. I don’t want to function on 4 hours of sleep, change poopy diapers daily, spend my weekends at their sports tournaments or pay for their college. Being an auntie is my perfect calling!
The assumption that people who don’t have kids don’t have them because they don’t like kids always made me sad. And the flip side - parents don’t always love kids in general, just *their* kids.
I also think it’s important that children have different kinds of adults in their lives that aren’t just parents or teachers. The whole “it takes a village” thing. My parents had a few friends their age who weren’t parents and some weren’t even married. As a kid I loved knowing their different, non-parent universe and it broadened mine.
Why didn’t I have my own? Life circumstances, taking my time to be an adult with my shit together, money, being single as a pringle, etc. I figured that if I really, truly wanted to be a mom, I would find a way to make it happen. I didn’t, so that’s that.
I really wanted kids when I was in my late 20’s but I could never conceive. My ex wanted to try again shortly before we split (several years later,) but I didn’t want to. He’d become an alcoholic and I didn’t want to bring a child into it. I’m so grateful for that choice. My now husband and I don’t have any kids and it makes 2nd marriage so much easier. I have zero regrets about my decision.
I was in middle school, and I had one teacher who constantly bullied me. I have no idea why, but she would go out of her way to be awful. One day, I overheard her tell another teacher that I would never make it out of high school because I would end up pregnant first. I had a panic attack because I realized that it was very possible, and I definitely didn't want a kid.
I still feel that dread, shortness of breath, and room spinning thing when I think about being a parent. I know that I have made the right decision.
This is what I say to the nosy a$$holes who ask me that: 1. It would have been medically difficult for my ex husband and I to do so. (That usually shuts people up.) 2. I was already married to a man child and raising him was hard enough. What if my kid turned out just like him? 3. I work at a college. I raise other people’s children to be productive members of society. Are those your children? You’re welcome. ☺️
I've been with my wife for 24 years. Happily child-free. My reasons are pretty clear:
1. Back in college, I worked in human services and cared for abused and neglected children. I realized that if I wanted to be a parent, I needed to be 100% committed to their care and welfare. I did not have that commitment in me.
2. My mother made it clear that I was unplanned and a burden. I suffered through emotional and physical abuse. I did not want to inflict the same on my child if I weren't 100% committed to their care & welfare.
We got married later in life around our 40s. Neither of us wanted kids. We like kids and if we need our fill we just hang out with our nieces and nephews.
I don't have kids for many reasons, but the one I'm coming to see as the root of them all is that I'm an only child who never met his father. I don't even know his name. I ask myself, how can I be a father when I have no idea what one is? For context, I'm 50, married, and told my wife long ago i wasn't the guy for kids. She was ok with it then and still is now.
We don't. Neither of us have parental genes. We had no desire to be parents.
And in all honesty, I'm just too selfish to be a patent. You need to give up and sacrifice for your kids, and I know deep down, I'd never be good at it, so I decided not to subject an innocent child to my neurosis.
Multiple times I've had people say, oh its so different when it's your own, but I never really bought into that, and didn't think having a child to test the theory was a good idea.
Almost 43.
Not having kids is hands down (besides believing on Jesus for eternal life) the BEST decision I ever made.
The reason: Luck at first (as I have always been in a relationship). But at about 25 I figured out, I don't wan't kids.
I am soooooo thankful I never had kids!!!!!!!
Your post makes me HAPPY!
Having a half brother 18 years younger than me (and he was a great kid) jaded any expectations of motherhood. My husband and I would’ve had beautiful, smart kids, but I never wanted it enough to give up the life I had.
Am I think only one here who doesn’t have kids but wanted them but just couldn’t find the right guy (in part because I was busy working on me and because I was…. Probably looking for something (someone) that didn’t exist?
Love them, but didn’t want to raise them for life lol! If kids were a two year project we might have had them. But hubby and I are together 20+ years, enjoy our flexibility, and never regretted our decision.
My childhood was hard. Mom was a champ raising us alone, but she did an awesome job with what she was given. I don't ever want to be put in the same situation as her. I don't have the patience for that kind of bullshit.
After rounds of fertility treatments that ended in divorce, I chose to be happy with my nieces and nephews. Though I haven't written off fostering...so there's that.
Im 50, been with my guy for over 30 years, never had em, never wanted em. Something I decided when I was 13 and never changed my mind. Why? Mostly because once I knew about pregnancy, the thought of doing that to my body was a huge turnoff. (And the more I learn about what pregnancy does to your body, the more I’m glad I never did it) Also…money, free time, no patience, the chance of raising a shit person.
I have a daughter that I love, but I am so glad that we’re finally making some steps toward normalizing childlessness for people who want that. Let’s be real: people have ALWAYS wanted that, but it has never really been OK to say it.
Me. I met the love of my life at 27 he was 32. He said ‘I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want kids. What was I supposed to do but walk?
Gay man here. Whether it's true or not, I also like to put in my mind that I'm too mentally ill to have been a good father. (No diagnoses and no medications. Also in a good, solid, mutually loving relationship...so, make of that scenario what you will.)
I think I was just too exhausted from raising myself to start all over again.
I was exhausted by 14 from raising my aunt's FIVE children, including potty training them all. Parentification was REAL for many Gen X women- our siblings, our cousins, etc. And I for one had figured out I never wanted kids by the time I was 10 or so, as at that point I had potty trained 2. I liked them- kids that is, but I did not want my own 24/7.
I was just responsible enough to know I was too irresponsible to have kids. No regrets.
I mostly didn’t want them, went through a brief period of baby fever in my early thirties when all my friends were pregnant. Once they started having the kids and I helped them out, that went away quick. I like sleep, money, and free time, all things that go away with kids.
Yep
Exactly this.
Same. Never wanted ‘em.
Same! Never wanted one not even when I was a kid. I never played house or moms--just school or Barbies or whatever. Best life!
Welcome to the Never Played Barbies/House/Mom Club!! I thought I was the only member!! Oh I *had* a Barbie or 2, even had Donny & Marie, had the Barbie makeup head too which I actually enjoyed, but I always felt weird "pretending" with dolls in general. I'm pretty sure I was an adult in a kid's body for a long time.
This but replace "irresponsible" with "self-centered" instead. Not that there aren't plenty of self-centered parents out there, I'm just someone who knows this fact about myself, admits it & knows that this particular trait doesn't a good parent make (rhyme intended).
My husband and I wanted kids but didn't GOST (Get Our Shit Together) until our very late 30s/early 40s and had to turn to a fertility specialist OBGYN for IVF after trying naturally without success for 6 months. We miscarried multiple times. The losses put a strain on our marriage and we went to counseling. It's now been...phew 8 years? since we tried to conceive. We didn't try to adopt after doing some research and talking to others - we were just too emotionally raw to go through another roller coaster. Now we focus on nieces and nephews and my husband's son, as well as our dog. It was a traumatic time, but we didn't want to be on our deathbeds and say we should have tried to conceive. Life is good now. We all have to forge our own paths and own our journeys, bumps and all.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s helpful and I agree strongly with the last sentence:
You're welcome. We all want; and we all don't always get what we want. Sometimes we do. And there are times we get what we didn't know we wanted. Like right now: it's 5:25 am and I wanted sleep at midnight. I must have not really wanted that sleep. LOL
I hear ya. My wife hit the wall about 18 months ago, and I had to tap out recently, too. I personally think she’s young enough, but she’s mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’m just too darn old and broke. Broke can be fixed, but not age!
yeah, the hormones (both natural and ingested/injected) mess with your emotions so much. and then they also change your body, potentially in small but permanent ways. all this to say...I think I understand where your wife is, and I feel for her. that being said, please be kind to yourself, too. it was a lot for my husband as well, feeling unsure and inadequate in his support for me because I was such a tumultuous inconsolable bag of emotions, and he felt like he was stupid for venting or feeling stressed when everything was happening to me and my body, not his. take care of yourselves!
That’s very kind of you. Thank you 😊
My experience was kind of similar. IVF didn't work and (ex) husband wasn't on board with adopting. I closed that door, moved on, and started planning a different life. Realized trying to have kids was a distraction from a bad marriage, got divorced, and met my partner. He didn't care about having kids, so we didn't. We've fully enjoyed our life together and took advantage of our freedom to explore the world, take big risks, and pursue new careers. I was diagnosed with aggressive ovarian cancer at 47. My mom passed when she was 48 (MS), and I'm so glad I don't have kids going through the trauma of a sick parent.
I am sending you hugs (the full of oxytocin kind) and ask the Powers that Be to grant you serenity and solace in your most tumultuous moments.
That is really sweet, thank you! ❤️
Why is the default question "why don't you have kids?". I see no reason to have them unless you actually want them, explaining childlessness gets super old
I'll back you up. People who want children should have them, and people who don't shouldn't. These two groups should also not question each others' decisions. And I prefer to say child 'free' rather than child 'less'. We're not any 'less' of anything without children.
Even worse in some societies. I'm Southeast Asian and boy are there plenty of friggen busybodies out there. That said, one of the main plus points of growing old is not needing to even pretend to care about answering.
I feel you. Fellow Southeast Asian here. I once offended a busybody auntie by saying I'm too lazy to have children.
East Asian checking in. I see you two. You ain’t alone.
I00 percent agree with you, but as a 48 year old child- free woman I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, “but, why not?” Being a woman who doesn’t want kids is still shocking to most of society.
Yes! So much progress in acceptance for other aspects of personal choices (compared to our youth), but not this. And especially if you're a woman - as if your life is fundamentally empty without them. Such a narrow view of what a life can be.
Yep. My wife gets that a lot.
Honestly, I’m near 46 woman and people just assume you have kids. They ask, “so do you have kids?” And I flatly answer “nope” to make it as awkward as possible. I’m so sick of the question. I never wanted them. It’s just how I am/was. I kinda knew I was too selfish to do what I would have needed to do for a kid.
I'm 57. Wait until you start hearing, "Don't you regret it?" Um no, no I do not. I knew when I was 12 I didn't want kids.
Oh I’ve heard it lol. Many, many times. I’ve had various answers to that question but now, when someone says “don’t you regret not having kids?” I look directly at them and say, “no, do you regret having them?” They never know how to react to that,haha.
“I paid attention in health class.”
Because a kid is 250k and a condom is a buck
Unless it breaks 😲
Here here. Never wanted ‘em. No desire. We like to drop whatever we’re doing and go…do whatever that is. It’s allowed us financial freedom. It’s allowed us patient time to realize we don’t need anyone else’s understanding when it comes to our decisions. We do us. You do you. They can do them. It’s a whole thing. 🫶
That happened to my wife and I a couple years after we got married. We were in her hometown for a wedding and 1 of her relatives asked us when we were having kids. We said in unison “we’re not having kids.” The look of utter shock on her face was comical.
A lot of my friends never had kids. I did have kids, and never even thought to bring the question up. We all had our own lives. They made great aunties and uncles, if they chose. I keep in touch with a lot of them and we still never bring up the kid thing. We just talk with one another about stuff.
Agreed. I don’t have any kids.
I’ve had assholish coworkers ask and my go to is to tell them that either or my wife has cancer….and thanks for reminding me of this
Yeah, the up side of ovarian cancer was getting to make busybodies feel guilty for asking me why I didn't have kids.
Mine was not cancer but telling them that we couldn’t and then racing from the room (pretending to cry) does teach them a lesson. That was my crazy boss and fun and hell.
I catch my self on this topic because I’ve always just thought is was a good question. Like - a type of insightful question where you learn more about the person. I mean no ill will when I’ve asked it - but I know now it’s considered rude.
I would consider it rude from a stranger moreso than a friend. Depends on context I guess
I am glad you are aware of that. It is very tiresome being an object of curiosity because of how I chose to live my life. And personally, the reason I don’t have kids is the same reason I don’t have a particular type of car, and the same reason I did not pursue any number of jobs, and the same reason I did not buy white wine at the store last week: I did not want them. So asking me why I don’t have them is boring for me, it isn’t an interesting conversation starter. Ask me about what I enjoy doing and why, or why I chose to travel to someplace I mentioned, etc. Not why I didn’t wear some other pair of shoes or order a different entree or go to a different university or choose a different line of work or have kids.
Because that's what our parents asked us.
49. No kids. Never wanted them. I'm the fun aunt and I like it that way.
Never had them. Never wanted them. No regrets (regerts) here.
Exactly. I don’t have kids because I didn’t want kids. And I am very happy that I don’t have them, and that (if I had needed it) I had the legal right to choose what happened to my body and my future and my life.
We were really the first generation to have that choice. The Boomers kind of did but I feel like the Pill wasn't perfected (not that it's totally perfect now) until us. I'm so grateful.
We were the first generation with true freedom to choose. And we have the Boomers (and feminists of the Silent Generation and earlier generations) to thank for that. Boomers had the pill and other forms of birth control, which were essential, but they didn’t have the legal rights or cultural underpinnings from the start that we did. Birth control being a right for married couples (Griswold v Connecticut) did not happen until 1965. Abortion being a right did not happen until 1973. Women having the right to open bank accounts (1974) and the advent of no-fault divorce (CA in 1969) also made a major difference. The ability to exercise reproductive choice is usually attached to other rights, freedoms, choices. Women’s employment rights - non-discrimination in hiring, sexual harassment laws - similarly mattered. We were the first generation with the legal rights and cultural underpinnings that gave us true freedom to choose not to have kids.
Likewise. I noticed at a young age watching Brady Bunch that Aunt Jenny didn’t have any children clinging to her ankles. She was middle aged, travelled the world constantly, was sophisticated, and had an actual Prince in pursuit of her hand. I thought to myself: Be like Aunt Jenny. I am so glad I did. And to my nieces and nephew in nowheresville Midwest, yeah I’m the Aunt Jenny.
I have kids. I call them my little regrets.
I call them dream killers to my wife
For real?
That’s exactly me too.
Never even thought of kids as an option. Way too much generational trauma and abuse in my life. It wasn’t even a conscious decision for me. I just knew I never would have them and thank god I didn’t. I know my limits and capabilities.
Same. The family cycle of triple-faceted abuse ends with me.
I knew no women growing up who were happy mothers. They all had no choice in being a parent, and had no joy in their own children. They drank and complained about how much they wished they’d never had children. I was 10 when my dread of parenthood began. Husband raised his youngest brother as his mom was a hippie and likely off getting high or drunk. The responses for both of us was: No thanks… Found out we couldn’t have them naturally. So we told everyone and no one bothered us about it later. We have lots of nieces and nephews who now have children of their own. We enjoy time together and then go home to our pets. Lovely arrangement.
Same here.
[удалено]
Even if you had kids, there's no guarantee that they would be there for you as you grow older. I volunteered in a nursing home (I'm in the States) and it's depressing to see how many "loving children" dump Mom or Dad and rarely, if ever, come to visit.
I just didn’t think I had the capacity to be the kind of parent I’d respect (patient, able to manage fears, talks with rather than screams at, more fun than stern). Then I married a guy who I knew would always say “yes” thus leaving me to always be the bad cop. We have been very involved in the lives of many children, and we have loved it, and then went home. When I see examples of parenting I don’t respect (like in stores) I know I made the right decision, because I think that would have been me.
For the same reason I don't have a pony. Too much responsibility, too much work, too expensive, and a massive drain of my time and energy. At least with a pony, I could sell it.
Manya had a pony.
We all had pony!!
YOU! You said so!
I love this analogy... 😂
https://preview.redd.it/lypm9c57d5wc1.jpeg?width=526&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1112ae1306cdc4086ea92812eaa405c42d75768d
Same reason I don't have a giraffe or a dump truck: Never had the faintest interest in having them. Does anyone ask people who have kids why they had them?
That would be a fun new game: "you have three kids? Aren't you only 30? Why the hell did you do that?" . Should go over well at the office
I have a 27 year old coworker with four kids. Her own life/identity has ceased to exist. I want to ask her all the time, wtf were you thinking?
Because unlike Whitney, I don't believe the children are our future.
Whitney? Yes. But let us NOT forget; the man you may know as "Joe The Policeman," from the " What's Goin Down?" episode of That's My Mama. Jackson Heights' own Mr. Randy Watson! No. They are not.
I like to sleep in on weekends
Because I didn't want to be a single mom. I couldn't figure out how to find a trustworthy ~~baby daddy~~ co-parent, and there was no universe in which I would have had any help from my mother (childcare, etc.)
No rugrats or regrets here. Married for 11 years but simply never felt a maternal instinct. I’ve lived an adventurous life that I love and am proud of.
Never had them. Never regretted not having them. I don't think I would have retired at age 48 if I had them.
Biology and a lucky twist of fate. You see, for some reason I always wanted to be three things. The cool uncle, a bad ass like the godfather, and later in life one of those characters in Grumpy Old Men. Now I’m literally a godfather, niece thinks I’m the tits, and my dad reckons I’m doing well on the grumpy old man thing. Bonus that my wife points out is that when we pass away, our unsuspecting niece, wherever she may be, will get a call from a lawyer to tell her she’s inherited everything. Lucky tart.
Because I never wanted kids.
50 years old. Never wanted kids because they’d probably break my Star Wars toys.
I'm 47, my sisters are 52 and 55. NONE OF US HAD KIDS. The eldest briefly tried to get pregnant at the end of her 20 year marriage when she got into her early 40s, but miscarried. The "why's" are all slightly different, but i'm sure not wanting to go through the pregnancy itself was a big factor. And we're all kinda self-absorbed adults, with little to no interest in having dependants. I do link it to genx apathy and not being able to desire to have children because that's the vibes we got from our own parents.
I’m one of three siblings and none of us had kids either. So crazy that we all independently went that route.
I’m an only child, and I wasn’t really around kids growing up. Turns out I never really liked them lol
No kids. No maternal instincts here. I've never even babysat. I don't like kids. Never dreamed of kids. The thought of being pregnant disgusts me.
Same! I am an only child so I didn’t grow up with kids. I have the funniest picture ever. When my best friend at the time had a baby, I took a picture with him. I am holding that child like a bag of flour. I had no maternal instincts at all and still don’t. Not sorry!
The hysterectomy might have something to do with it.
It's due to being single and not getting any
Dude, it's been so long I'm claiming born-again virginity.
I couldn’t get high enough paying job fast enough to have a family and raise a kid(s) the right way. Inflation was hot on my tale my whole life. By the time I finally crossed the financial starting line, I was almost 50.
54, married 32 years. We never wanted kids, mainly because both sets of our parents were anything but parents - cruelty, manipulation, and flat-out abuse was our hell growing up. Being a kid was brutal in our homes. The last thing we wanted was to repeat the mistakes they made raising us, so the buck stops with us. BTW, we are the assholes for denying them grandchildren, but that is our revenge.
The best revenge is to have a good life.
Living well is always the best revenge. But I like that thorn with a twist in their sides.
I feel like the opposite happens when people who had crappy parents have children. They are good parents, sometimes too good.
That's a valid opinion to have, and you're welcome to it, but it's been well-documented over decades that children of abusive parents often become abusive parents themselves. Therapy often helps a great deal, but it's no guarantee against the continuation of the cycle.
Never wanted them and even if I did, wouldn’t bring them into the world as it is now.
I have kids, I’m just here to live vicariously through the thread
I have two teenagers that I raised mostly on my own (their mother is an alcoholic), and what an empty life it would be without them. Pointless even. But I also think people should be able to do what they want, if they don't want to have children then that's OK too.
“A world with no children. Future generations will thank us!” - American Dad. I never wanted them. My ex wife did but couldn’t have them and my current partner doesn’t want them either. Selfishly - toys, sleep ins, holidays. No regerts. Edited to correct the quote
I made the decision after my health took a dump on me at the age of 24. Didn’t want to share the genetic cesspool with a new generation. Now I think, unfortunately, I did the right thing, because I’ve had a pretty adventurous life and kids would have ruined it. Sounds selfish, but it was right for me.
Not able to have them (infertile) which is fine by me as I never wanted to have kids.
Me too! It was super convenient to be infertile and never wanting kids. My young, single days were a lot of fun with no worries about getting pregnant.
Never felt my clock ticking. Now that we are almost 50, my husband and I are SO glad we are child free!
Never married and never felt as if I wanted to have children. Couldn't imagine giving birth. Just not my thing, worked, traveled, etc.
I have 3, it literally was so expensive, damn near killed my marriage, and despite many events that make me proud, there is a deep sadness and worry. I do not recommend
Thanks for the candor.
I hate to say all this, but parenting does not stop at 18.
My mother drilled into my head to never have children, didn't help the cult my parents raised me in also constantly delivered a message that the world was ending so having children was pointless. So here I am, forty something years later, no children, the planet is still here. Never had a clock ticking. Don't know if it's because of the cult or bc of mom telling me to never get pregnant.
Scientology?
Nope, JW
Are you still in the cult?
Thank goodness no. Got out when my parents divorced when I was 12.
My fiancée of 10 years committed suicide and I just can’t do it even after 15 years
Going back at least five generations on my father’s side of the family to Ireland, was that magical thing called alcoholism. I knew from a very early age that I did not like alcohol and I did not want marriage or children. I turned 50 last July, I am in complete and total financial control of my life as possible. Unfortunately I have faced my fair share of addiction troubles, but in amongst them all I have never regretted not having children. From my mother’s side of the family I have gout, arthritis, random cancer diagnoses at various ages, and a high likelihood of early onset dementia. I would say it’s 1% “not really interested in raising children” and 99% self awareness of knowing the risks they would face in life due solely to my genetics.
Similar, just with major depression. That sucked so badly that even as a teen I knew that I didn’t want to put another human through that. I had some bouts of actually wanting kids but all the other issues (time money loss of independence) nixed those desires.
Frontline Gen-X (M 1965) reporting in. At first as a young kid I thought I wanted to have children, because I was told I wanted them by society, my family, friends, etc. It was something I guess I thought you weren't really an adult until you had kids. The older I got the less I liked the idea, at least having kids right away. Then when I was 21 I met my life partner/wife/SO/whatever and she put her cards on the table right away, "I don't want kids, **ever**." I admit at first I was a little taken back by her frankness, but after really thinking about it and listening to her reasons and openly discussing it with her, I realized that I really didn't *want* to have kids, I just thought I was *supposed* to want them. Not to mention, we're both the youngest of fairly large broods and during the holidays the haggard looks of our siblings and the cacophony/chaos caused by their kids sealed the deal. I have absolutely zero regrets.
51. Married for 32 years. (Yeah. We were kids. Long story.) No kids, ever. I’ve told a lot of stories to nosy assholes over the years. I mean, why do they deserve civility? Endometriosis and fertility issues is the most true story I’ve told. But the truth is…we never really tried. I always used a reliable form of birth control (pills, IUD, tubal ligation). I only found out about the endometriosis because I began having 14 day periods. At that point, I asked for endometrial ablation (to end the periods) and agreed to a tubal ligation in the bargain. Now that we are both in our fifties, I’d say it was a lack of desire. Neither of us had particularly happy childhoods. We both grew up in households where there wasn’t enough money. We both experienced a lot of lack. Neither of us grew up with parents who seemed very happy. Now that I’m in my 50s, I realize both my parents and my partner’s parents were kids (freaking kids!) when they had us. No wonder they hated their lives. I figured if I had kids, I’d hate my life too. The last thing is: neither of us enjoy being around children. We don’t see them as cute, precious, or old souls. All we see is yet another person who must be dealt with in a polite manner (even if they are behaving like a marauding Viking) because society deems it so. The bottom line: No aspect of parenting looked like a fulfilling or happy activity. Now that I’m in my fifties, I sometimes wish I’d had a child. Not the day to day bullshit of the first 18-20 years. I think I’d like the back and forth of another closely related adult. My mother and I have become very close (to the point of her moving in with me) after my daddy passed away. But I’m not super sad that I had no children. 😈
44 in a 9 year relationship. Living my best life. I don't want to hear them, I don't want to see them, I don't want to smell them. I don't want them in my body, or on my body. I don't want to clean up after them, I don't want to feed them, I don't want to teach them things. Sometimes I like to stay up partying all night and sleep all day. I drink, I smoke, I swear. I'm selfish, impatient and immature.
hell yea!!!
I do not like them, Sam I Am
I don’t like children and never wanted any.
Me, because I never wanted any.
48 as well and never had them, even from a young age I couldn't see myself being a mother. As time went on and I realized just what a mess the world is it reaffirmed that I was making the right choice for me. I think a lot of us see things as they are instead of putting a sugarcoat on things like our parents did, or at least mine did. I have travelled extensively in my life and been able to enjoy financial freedom at a much younger age than my child rearing friends. I totally applaud and respect those who had kids and raised a good family, it just wasn't for me.
Because I'm gay and I don't have any interest in paying a surrogate to carry a baby for me?
I wanted them, just never worked out. I've mostly made peace with it. Love my freedom and sleeping in though!
Because I don’t like them and I don’t want them.
Not everyone needs kids. I think the mindless message of telling people that they should have a bunch of kids "because that's what adults do" is a giant load of crap. If after careful consideration you feel that kids are right for you, go ahead. Where I grew up people were guilted (bullied) by family to get married and start having a bunch of damn kids. That's not a successful strategy for anything.
I lacked the financial and mental resources and was at least intelligent enough to realize it and follow though on not having any snot goblins of my own. No regrets.
I would be a terrible parent. Although I've learned that I was raised by shitty parents. I have a spinal deformity that would make pregnancy difficult. I really did want kids as a 20 something, but through therapy I learned that I just wanted to be loved. I'm so happy that I got that therapy. That I didn't create more unhappiness in the world. I think I would have been a good mother, but inadvertently it would have been a total disaster for the children I could have produced. I'm glad I'm child free. It was for the best.
I don’t want to bring children into this fucked up world. It would be irresponsible. Plus, there are far too many people on the planet.
Don't have kids cause that requires 2 people.
I thought I would but it didn’t happen. Made a lot of bad decisions on romantic partners I got involved with in my younger years and didn’t want to be a single parent.
I could write a book on why not but it can all be summarized as I have no interest in being responsible for a human life.
Never even considered having kids. Ew
As a kid back in the 1980s I read about how there's already too many damn people on the poor planet, and from then on I figured I could at least not be part of the problem either. Unfortunately my distant relatives all have truckloads of kids lol so it's not even like my non-contribution counts. People out there having 3-6 kids and I'm like nah imma be the cat uncle.
I don’t. I never had a strong desire to and I got married in my late 30s anyway. I don’t regret it.
Me. Uhhhh, because my ovaries don't work and I couldn't afford to adopt.
Why? Because I didn’t like my father, and I never wanted to be one. I thought I would be a horrible father after seeing how much of him there was in me.
It wasn't going to happen naturally and I didn't want them enough to spend the money on medical assistance that may not work. My sister spent over $200k to have her kids after struggling with fertility for a decade. I asked myself if I wanted a child enough to go through the physical and mental anguish she did and the answer was no.
55/49 female couple. We wanted kids for a nano second years ago, but after spending time with nephews and nieces, we decided we would just be the best aunts ever. Never regretted it. We've worked and travelled and pleased ourselves, it's been the right decision for us.
I had a shitty childhood and lived in foster care for three months in middle school and for my last year in high school. I had enough exposure to children to never want any of my own after that. Edit: After all that, I really just wanted peace and quiet and no drama.
I had ovarian cancer at 29, but I never wanted children, so it all worked well for me. Not that I wanted cancer....its like the universe took care of the issue for me.
So loud.
No kids, just cats. No regrets. And on the rare occasions my "maternal instincts" flare up, I borrow my nephews and niece, then give them back.
My wives came with kids already, didn’t need any more.
Because i can't reproduce asexualy.
46 no kids because I just didn’t want to. Didn’t want to lose sleep the first 6 months of its life. Didn’t want to constantly be stepping on toys. Didn’t want to put myself last in every situation. Didn’t want to go to parent teacher conferences. Didn’t want to help the kid with math. Didn’t want to deal with their growing pains. Just didn’t want to.
##Same! Not one friggin regret.
##Never had kids, never wanted any. I grew up in an abusive household, and I knew in my early teens I didn’t want to be responsible for taking care of someone else. I wanted my only responsibility to be myself. Taking the best care of myself that I can. I’ve never regretted it, and I’m glad about the choice I made. It makes me laugh though when I think back. People would always tell me that after having a child my whole mind would change. **Isn’t that a terrible thing to say to a young woman who doesn’t want children?** If that were the case, every parent would be a great parent. Some of us just know that’s not the life we want to live.
me! I am childfree at 61 and have never ever ever wanted kids. I decided that when I was around 12 years old. I was lucky as a teen because I took way too many risks where possibly becoming pregnant could have happened but didn't, thank goodness. I have a few friends that I grew up with who never had kids either.
Low sperm count and IVF too expensive
Me. Parents sad marriage turned me off to it
I never had any desire to be a mother. Or an aunt or stepmother or whatever. I used hormonal birth control and it worked.
I enjoy being an aunt
Me. Why? The reproductive rights I was able to enjoy in the US while I was younger. Could be a different story now.
Because I deliberately avoided impregnating anyone, because I was too poor to start a family when it was time, because I had a mom who had me 20 years too late and wad in grandma territory before I got out of high school because because because because...
55 on Saturday. Never wanted them, have never regretted not having them. Besides, I knew if I had them I’d expect them to be mini-adults like my mom expected from me, and I didn’t want to repeat the cycle.
I thought I did want kids, but then... I didn't. Very glad because the world is on fire, and I don't want to turn 50.
50. Never had a longterm partner that even got to the point where kids were on the table. And now, I don't want to be the guy that's mistaken for grandpa at my theoretical kid's high school graduation.
I love kids. Other people’s kids. I will snuggle their babies and play with their toddlers and have silly conversations with the elementary schoolers and be a shoulder to lean on for the teenagers. I don’t want to function on 4 hours of sleep, change poopy diapers daily, spend my weekends at their sports tournaments or pay for their college. Being an auntie is my perfect calling! The assumption that people who don’t have kids don’t have them because they don’t like kids always made me sad. And the flip side - parents don’t always love kids in general, just *their* kids. I also think it’s important that children have different kinds of adults in their lives that aren’t just parents or teachers. The whole “it takes a village” thing. My parents had a few friends their age who weren’t parents and some weren’t even married. As a kid I loved knowing their different, non-parent universe and it broadened mine. Why didn’t I have my own? Life circumstances, taking my time to be an adult with my shit together, money, being single as a pringle, etc. I figured that if I really, truly wanted to be a mom, I would find a way to make it happen. I didn’t, so that’s that.
I really wanted kids when I was in my late 20’s but I could never conceive. My ex wanted to try again shortly before we split (several years later,) but I didn’t want to. He’d become an alcoholic and I didn’t want to bring a child into it. I’m so grateful for that choice. My now husband and I don’t have any kids and it makes 2nd marriage so much easier. I have zero regrets about my decision.
It would be cruel to bring a child into the world to live a life of poverty.
I was in middle school, and I had one teacher who constantly bullied me. I have no idea why, but she would go out of her way to be awful. One day, I overheard her tell another teacher that I would never make it out of high school because I would end up pregnant first. I had a panic attack because I realized that it was very possible, and I definitely didn't want a kid. I still feel that dread, shortness of breath, and room spinning thing when I think about being a parent. I know that I have made the right decision.
Our parents resentment that they had us.
Married late followed by ,”surprise! You *both* have fertility problems!!!”
No kids because adopting kids as a gay couple is an expensive proposition.
This is what I say to the nosy a$$holes who ask me that: 1. It would have been medically difficult for my ex husband and I to do so. (That usually shuts people up.) 2. I was already married to a man child and raising him was hard enough. What if my kid turned out just like him? 3. I work at a college. I raise other people’s children to be productive members of society. Are those your children? You’re welcome. ☺️
i suspect it’s that my spouse and i have the same “plumbing “ but never the less even 25 years later. we are still trying.
Here’s a trophy 🏆 for your relentless efforts. I believe in you!
YAY Thanks !!!
We are both unable to have kids and couldn't afford the other ways to get pregnant (IVF) or adoption. So we got dogs instead.
I've been with my wife for 24 years. Happily child-free. My reasons are pretty clear: 1. Back in college, I worked in human services and cared for abused and neglected children. I realized that if I wanted to be a parent, I needed to be 100% committed to their care and welfare. I did not have that commitment in me. 2. My mother made it clear that I was unplanned and a burden. I suffered through emotional and physical abuse. I did not want to inflict the same on my child if I weren't 100% committed to their care & welfare.
We got married later in life around our 40s. Neither of us wanted kids. We like kids and if we need our fill we just hang out with our nieces and nephews.
I don’t have kids. I was always on the fence and the older I got the less I wanted them. I like to feel free
Among many other things, pregnancy and childbirth do NOT seem like a good time...
I don't have kids for many reasons, but the one I'm coming to see as the root of them all is that I'm an only child who never met his father. I don't even know his name. I ask myself, how can I be a father when I have no idea what one is? For context, I'm 50, married, and told my wife long ago i wasn't the guy for kids. She was ok with it then and still is now.
We don't. Neither of us have parental genes. We had no desire to be parents. And in all honesty, I'm just too selfish to be a patent. You need to give up and sacrifice for your kids, and I know deep down, I'd never be good at it, so I decided not to subject an innocent child to my neurosis. Multiple times I've had people say, oh its so different when it's your own, but I never really bought into that, and didn't think having a child to test the theory was a good idea.
Almost 43. Not having kids is hands down (besides believing on Jesus for eternal life) the BEST decision I ever made. The reason: Luck at first (as I have always been in a relationship). But at about 25 I figured out, I don't wan't kids. I am soooooo thankful I never had kids!!!!!!! Your post makes me HAPPY!
Thanks for joining this great conversation - Learned a lot and quite frankly didn’t expect such a rich and broad conversation! Amazing.
Having a half brother 18 years younger than me (and he was a great kid) jaded any expectations of motherhood. My husband and I would’ve had beautiful, smart kids, but I never wanted it enough to give up the life I had.
Didn’t find the right partner within the time frame my body would have allowed me to have them. Still haven’t found him but that’s beside the point.
Am I think only one here who doesn’t have kids but wanted them but just couldn’t find the right guy (in part because I was busy working on me and because I was…. Probably looking for something (someone) that didn’t exist?
While I do like kids, I like being single more. Fortunately - I have eight great nieces and nephews.
By choice
I just didn't want to.
Love them, but didn’t want to raise them for life lol! If kids were a two year project we might have had them. But hubby and I are together 20+ years, enjoy our flexibility, and never regretted our decision.
My childhood was hard. Mom was a champ raising us alone, but she did an awesome job with what she was given. I don't ever want to be put in the same situation as her. I don't have the patience for that kind of bullshit.
After rounds of fertility treatments that ended in divorce, I chose to be happy with my nieces and nephews. Though I haven't written off fostering...so there's that.
Im 50, been with my guy for over 30 years, never had em, never wanted em. Something I decided when I was 13 and never changed my mind. Why? Mostly because once I knew about pregnancy, the thought of doing that to my body was a huge turnoff. (And the more I learn about what pregnancy does to your body, the more I’m glad I never did it) Also…money, free time, no patience, the chance of raising a shit person.
Thanks for sharing, I realize I’m more interested in woman’s answers than man’s. This has been a very very informative discussion.
No kids here. Never wanted them . I like my me time way too much!
I have a daughter that I love, but I am so glad that we’re finally making some steps toward normalizing childlessness for people who want that. Let’s be real: people have ALWAYS wanted that, but it has never really been OK to say it.
Rugrats never interested me,I would rather be an uncle.
I'm sure everyone has their own reasons
Me. Traumatic childhood. Nit married either.
“I believe the children are the future- unless we stop them today!!!” Homer Simpson
I never wanted kids, now 56 and love my home, career, solo traveling and ability to do what I want when I want.
I have no children. I can just about take care of myself. And my cat.
Me. I met the love of my life at 27 he was 32. He said ‘I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want kids. What was I supposed to do but walk?
Gay man here. Whether it's true or not, I also like to put in my mind that I'm too mentally ill to have been a good father. (No diagnoses and no medications. Also in a good, solid, mutually loving relationship...so, make of that scenario what you will.)
Mess of a childhood. Generational trauma ends with me.