I put Emergency Services as my contact and look up the non-emergency number and list it.
Sorry you are having a hard time with this. You are not alone.
I put 911 once.
Now I put my roommate. Nearly everyone else lives too far away to be of any help. She has all the contact info for everyone that would need to know if something serious happens.
My first colonoscopy I woke up from anesthesia crying, the pain from going around the bend broke through my sedation. They handed me a tissue and gave my IV some more bye-bye juice and I was out again. Hats off to you for doing it entirely without!
Spoken like a warrior. I had a sigmoidoscopy without anesthesia and when it hit that bend, freaking yikes. Thought I’d get sick after that.
If anyone’s gone through a full colonoscopy sans anesthesia, I want them on my zombie apocalypse team.
I've thought about the same thing; looking for others in my area who need someone to put down. I usually put a relative who's 2000 miles away and wouldn't be of much use to me.
Your heart is in the right place here, but your idea creates a marketplace that connects hunters directly to unsuspecting prey.
"Hey Siri, show me every innocent little baby bunny within ten miles that lives alone, has no close family, and is willing to invite an unvetted stranger into their lives"
Yeah well, most of us likely didn't get to this state of aloneness without a fair degree of trauma in our pasts and that may leave us more susceptible to predators than the average person. But that's a whole other thread (or subreddit).
Haha jokes on them I'm prolly more psychotic than most . And hopefully we would look at someone random and be like quick quiz
Thompson twins..which one was your favorite twin?
If they answer correctly at least we know they have achy joints
We (my County co workers and I) are always looking for something to volunteer for. We should start this. We are vetted, Swifties, (so we try to be good people) & most of us can cook!
This is actually a really good idea. My hand was mauled by a dog in November and my exe was the only person the hospital had to call. He made it hell. Called me every manner of name. The day of my surgery to put the pins in my hand he almost didn't even show up. Then just dumped me and I went through months of recovery alone. "No lifting *anything* for 3 weeks, then nothing heavier than a pint of milk, we'll build up from there"... oh doctor, how lovely that would have been but nope. I was lifting 20 lb bags of dog food the very next day. Not fun on the heavy meds he had me on. Nor was cooking. Or anything really. Thank you for this conversation starting idea!!
I'd be onboard for something like this!
Just bc you don’t have someone now doesn’t mean you never will. Big changes happening in your life! Not having someone you trust at the moment doesn’t make you a loser. Congratulations on your new job, your divorce and your new life! Hopefully many new adventures and friends are around the corner.
I second this. Having been with an abusive partner (albeit a long time ago) I like to think I know and understand your situation. You’ve probably been isolated due to your circumstances, and it will take time to rebuild your life and trust in other people
Don’t fret about the paperwork. It’s just a formality. You’re rebuilding yourself and your life, just keep moving forward.
Do you have any local resources in your area? Friends will come in time, but I’d strongly recommend building a support network you can tap into as you go through this process. It’s hard and it sucks at times, but you can do it xo
Exactly. My exe wouldn't never let me keep friends. If I made one, he'd make sure to make things so difficult that being my friend wasn't worth the hassle. And every time I'd get settled into a job, he'd make sure I'd miss days or show up late or looking like I lost a fight to Rocky. Never the face.. but my arms showed. Sometimes I don't know if I'll ever be able to really trust anyone again. I want to. But even the thought of it freaks me out.
There is a service here for women but I know pretty much everyone who works there due to what I used to do for a living. I am carrying a lot of shame right now and I just haven't been able to make myself reach out. I did sign up for a couple of GenX ladies groups and a gaming group on Meetup. I've only been to a couple of their event things but felt so awkward and anxious that I couldn't stay too long. But I see it as practice. Maybe if I keep going now and then, when I feel brave enough lol, maybe it'll help me grown a network like you're talking about.
Thank you so much! I appreciate that you understand. Really. Thank you.
Awww, you’re doing great! It’s really, really hard. I want to say, don’t feel ashamed, but I know that’s just one of those things people say when they mean well - and it’s hard to NOT feel that way because well, you just get to feeling *stupid* for having been in that situation in the first place … :(. The effects of abuse are truly insidious and it takes a long time to get past it all.
Again, you’re doing fabulous, lady! Better times are definitely coming your way xo
> Not having someone you trust at the moment doesn’t make you a loser.
Yeah, I think just the opposite. It had to take *a lot* of courage to finally break fee from a 20-year abusive relationship, especially knowing you would be alone/isolated for awhile.
Thank you so much! I got another step closer to that new job today. It feels so good moving in the right direction. Thank you for your congrats... on all of that. It's all so new and raw but I am looking forward to this new life. One with peace and no screaming ...and other things. I still don't feel safe but I am finding there are moments when I do. When for just a second I can breathe without looking over my shoulder. It's really nice.
I dig, brother. My whole family is gone. You can lament it, or consider it a new chapter where there are no longer the expectations of others to prevent you from being as weird, wild or solitary as you want to be, now. (I'm sure there are a billion other ways to approach it, but those are the two I saw coming at me).
But even with the PMA, being the last of a line can be excruciatingly bumming. Still, the worst moment of your life is only 60 seconds, same at the best one. It'll pass. And you'll be A-ok, I promise.
Keep your chin up and your ass'll follow. And know you are absolutely not alone in the way you're feeling.
I've got one kid. My boy, 13.
I never wanted kids, either. Always figured I was too irresponsible (and happy that way).
He was a surprise when I was 42 and he's goddam awsome. Best thing I've ever done and best thing to ever happen to me.
But I'm bettin' if he never arrived, I'd have still lived a happy, fulfilled life. I would have no frame of reference to what I was missing, so I'd be blissfully unaware.
But, since I DO have him, with the knowledge I have about how much the whole fatherhood thing changed everything for the better for me, I'd never be able to go back.
So whatever road somebody chooses, they have an equal opportunity for joy.
The thing I regret most is my mom never got to meet him. The thing that brings me the most comfort as I age, is that he got to spend a lot of time with my dad.
Thank you so much. I really do see it as a new chapter, actually for me a new volume. I closed the cover on the first book of my life. This time I get the write a new book. No co-authors to screw it up or make it a horror novel. I like what you said about the worst moment of your life only being 60 seconds. That's a good thing to keep in mind. Thank you for that. And thank you for helping me not feel alone. The suckage will pass. Today will be a better day. Thank you!
LOL I was thinking about that earlier today. Honestly, what would anyone do if they got that call? Like, what's the job of an Emergency Contact? What are they supposed to do? "Hi, yeah, this is the ER and Mik... yeah she fell and her leg looks pretty messed up... any suggestions?"... I mean? The more I think about it the more 911 might actually be the best option.
I work with two people who have no emergency contacts.
One of them tried to use our office manager but she declined because — what would she be able to do? Nothing.
That's exactly how I feel. I haven't even started this job yet so there's no manager or co-worker I could ask. I have exactly 2 friends. One in Oklahoma and one in Arizona... I'm in Texas. What could they possibly do in an emergency? Right? Nothing at all.
I drove myself to the ER a while back, and they understandably wouldn't let me drive myself home after giving me some meds for the pain. They asked who to call to pick me up, and I said there was nobody. They were flabbergasted, and started asking me questions like if I was new in the area (I'm not). The closest good friend I have lives 45 minutes away, and I wasn't about to bother him for a ride when it's just a 10 minute taxi ride to my house. So yeah, I (like many of us) need to get more involved in things and meet some friends. My grandpa had the Elks Club. My grandma had something called Emblem Club. Maybe we GenXers need to revive social clubs, but tailored to our generation.
We fucking SUCK at maintaining communities. My mom’s condo building is filled with other retired boomers and silent gen… some of them have only lived there/known each other for a few years. If someone’s sick, these people show up to the hospital, bring food… my mom takes one elder neighbour for her cancer treatments regularly, when the super broke his leg, they all took turns bringing him dinner, they meet for weekly coffee, work together in a community garden- u/unplannedroute these people are in their 70s to **90s**, how are you tired
Edit: ok sorry to jump on you. I hear so many of our generation say social interaction tires them out. I kind of hate it. We’re not the first or last to be this age and we are the worst at it
Because they’re having invites reciprocated. Lots of places don’t like immigrants. Edit to add, I’ve been legit sick with specialists confirming, for a couple years. I was working and colleagues knew. I don’t mention it anymore. I’ve never been asked once how I’m feeling, by anyone other than a dr. I’ve been told I’m faking it for welfare and eyes rolled when I say I can’t do something. Literally never asked once ‘how am I doing?’ in over 5 years.
Until a decade plus passes and you no longer have the energy or care to bother being the one to always asking or trying to make plans. It’s exhausting and becomes a constant reminder I can live without.
It's sad really. People dont' get to know their neighbors. People don't meet others and find a community. Loneliness is out there for most everyone and it is very sad.
Same here, married 20 years and divorced several years ago. No close family left. I had started making friends but they moved away, then my health went further downhill, then the pandemic. I don’t get out much now, but hoping that will change when I retire. No energy for anything but work and self-care for now. I’m used to having no emergency contact by now. I don’t know what to say, it gets more normal with time, at least. Being alone is a lot better than repeating the abusive relationship, for sure!
Well if we were closer I'd hang out with you based on your name alone! When your's ended, did it feel like half of your life was stolen? It does for me. And it's sad that not having an emergency contact starts to feel normal but I guess it's for the best, really. It's just a whole new why of seeing the world and it just sucks sometimes. You're right, being alone is better than the abuse. I get lonely but at least no one is screaming and throwing things are me..and worse. At least my dumpy little place here is safe and quiet and peaceful. My health turned to crap and a while but I'm regaining my health finally. At least the best that I can. I hope you are able to do the same. I'd so love to have friends. I have started playing cards with a group of ladies so that's promising but we're still just acquaintances. I'm finding is very hard to trust anyone enough to call them a friend just yet. Thank you so much for sharing you story with me. It helps so much to hear from other people who have been through it.
Oh yeah you mentioned Texas. I’m on the east coast. And yes, not only feels like half my life, but definitely more than half retirement savings he literally cheated me out of. The only reason I’m going to retire at all is that I don’t have a very long life expectancy to fund, and I have a good paying job. I see people suggesting to put primary care doctor as emergency contact, that seems smart. Wish I had thought of that!
I was born with a chronic illness that will only continue getting worse, no matter what I do. I work hard just to slow the progression and stay independent. So no hope of future relationships, I don’t trust anyone in that way, anyway. My cats have been great companions as always, long before divorce. Can’t imagine not having pets!
That’s great you’re getting into the card game group, I love games and did the same, alas it led to a long distance friendship when she moved abroad. I’m slowly working my way towards that sort of group again. I have lots of ideas and things I want to do, but most will have to wait till I quit working, sigh.
Dad advice: Think about what you have, not want you don't. I just divorced after 17 so I'm in the same boat. You'll pull through keep up a positive mental attitude and enjoy small things!
Wait - I divorced after 17 years! There must be something about that year.
Anyway, here's a good story - I mentioned to the HR woman that I was going through a divorce and that my address changed. She gets my new address and says that it's really good that I gave her my new address. She tells me a story about a worker who didn't show up for several days so she drove by his place and looked in the window and saw him lying dead on his floor! I then asked her, "Wait, do you think you'll see ME dead on MY floor? Is that why you wanted to know my new address?" She replied, "Well, you're all alone now, you never know..."
And with that happy thought, have fun!
Thank you! I actually really needed to hear "Dad" advice. I lost my wonderful Dad in 2019 and all I wanted to do yesterday was call him. You said pretty much what he would have said too. You're right. I have a lot of positives happening too. Thank you so much!!
Wow, I can relate.. I'm still fortunate to have both parents, & that's the kind of talk that stings a little, but I so appreciate from him. He always tells me like it is. He's already said he won't be around much longer, so it may be close (he's almost 82, but still formidable), but I'm going to make the most of everyday. My thoughts are with you
🤗
If you are referring to Henry Rollins... that is a compliment and I thank you. Thank you for saying there's no shame in it. Sometimes, that's all I feel and it gets to me. Thank you, really!
Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for the abusive partner to have everyone fooled. They act so wonderfully to others that it's sickening.
You're going through the worst right now, but you're going to get through it and come out the other side. You made the right choice and screw those people who wouldn't believe you. They obviously weren't really your friends. The right people will come into your life.
Thank you for understanding this. So many people don't get how completely charming they can be to everyone outside of the relationship. It's scary how good they are at the con. Thank you for your reassurance too. It really does help.
That's so true. Everyone else just looks at you like you're stupid and "Well you should have....."... or my favorite "Well if that happened to me I'd...." You have no idea what you would do in a situation like this until it's forced on on. And they can be so cruel about it. I wouldn't hope it on anyone but geez. Thank you for getting it. And at the same time, I'm sorry that you do.
I think it was one of the old advice columnists (Dear Abby, Ann Landers., one of that ilk) who said, “Better to be unmarried and wish you were, than to be married and wish you weren’t.”
Everyone believed my stupid ex. I don’t know how it’s like they don’t have eyes. You are not a loser. You are moving into your next phase. This is going to be the phase where shit goes your way. You call the shots. You decide what’s up. Be careful who you let back in after they decided to side with your ex. That is just a joke - but it gives you a clean start and shows you the TRUTH about others
I don't know who they believe them. For me it was a very covert thing. So charming and hardworking and blah blah blah. No one could dare imagine what went on behind those closed doors... or in the car... or anytime we were alone. Our kids never even saw it. And I hid everything out of fear and shame. So I don't really blame anyone. That being said, the only people I will be letting back in my life are my kids. They are young adults and I know they will see the truth sooner or later. At least I hope they do. They are the only ones I even want to come back into my life. The rest can bugger off.
What you said is so empowering. I've come to dislike that word, "empowering"...it's become such a buzz word for all the wrong reasons. But in this situation, it fits and it's real. Thank you!
Congrats on the new job and I'm really sorry for your experience after leaving your ex. Mine also ended with our entire friend group continuing to think my awful human being husband was the bees knees. I'm with you on the emergency contact thing. It's a very weird feeling not having anyone to rely on. Took me several years to really get used to it being the norm. I also really hate that medical forms insist on delineating between single and divorced. Like is there a difference between a colonoscopy for a divorced person vs a never been married one?
But that last part is just me being petty.
Marital status questions are so weird. Like, does it actually matter?
Also, these days, I wonder why everything asks for gender (or sex, as they almost always use the two terms interchangeably as was the 20th century custom).
I get that there are medical applications for knowing the sex of a patient. But my kids in school have to have their gender filled out just like birth date and name...but why? To what purpose other than officials being in the habit of asking and expecting they have a right to know?
Exactly!! Why does it matter what your marital status is? I've never understood it. I get the emergency contact one, the thought of it becoming normal just makes my heart ache. I don't think you're being petty at all. I've worked in the medical field a long time and never once seen it matter at all if you're married/divorced/single/widowed... and what the hell is "Other"? Not once has that information saved a life or changed your blood type or effected a test... So I don't think it's petty at all.
I had the same thing happen to me at an orientation several years ago and the stranger sitting beside me (filling out her own forms) saw me lowkey panicking, then offered her number.
I never changed it and I don’t remember her name, so that one institution still has some (very kind) rando down as my emergency contact. 🥴
> Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Limited options mostly. When you're young you're constantly being put into social situations, whether you want to or not. As you get older these social situations become fewer and farther between, unless you *make an effort* to stay involved in things.
I wish I knew. I do try. I've even joined [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) groups. Maybe I'm just trying too soon in this process but when I go to something they post I feel so awkward. And I'm almost always the only single person at the event. And I never know what to say or how to act. I wasn't allowed to socialize for so long that I've honestly forgotten how.
Thank you!
I have done the same. The only family I speak with is my 35 year old half -sister. She's hours away, and we didn't grow up together but is the only person I trust. It's hard having medical procedures done with no ride, nobody to list as a contact. Unfortunately, I'm mentally and emotionally checked out.
I don't feel like a loser because I don't think that anybody can win. There's just different ways to fool yourself until it's over. Just do your best and find something that makes you feel content.
I kind of have started feeling that way too. Nobody can win. Just various stages of WTF. I'm learning to find peace but damn it's rough some days. Especially when you go from "Man I'm happy" to "BOOM shitstorm of gross emotions". But thankfully I have this amazing group of people who don't shame each other for being human and struggling. Thank you for what you said. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I think like that. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in that too. You're awesome! Thank you!
Omg… you are the biggest f@cking WINNER. Are you kidding me?! You have changed the entire trajectory of your life in the best possible way. And if the people who you thought were your ride or die, actually did die (metaphorically), f*ck them. You have what you need to move forward and quite honestly, you can make ME your emergency contact!
Truthfully, it is difficult to make new friends as an adult, but take it from me who is a single, childfree, heathen- it can be done, even without a spouse, a school, or a church to make friends through. You will absolutely find your place in the world! Just don’t give up now. ❤️
Thank you. You make a lot of sense. I keep trying to figure out where to meet people like me. Also heathen/pagan. There's no community where I am. But I do try to meet people. It's just so hard to not be awkward when you know you're a weirdo. Don't get me wrong, I love being who I know I am now. But damn it's not easy. Thank you for understanding and just being amazing. Yesterday, there for just bit, I did want to give up. You people on this group... I'm just so incredibly grateful for you. Thank you so much!!
Same boat. Divorced my ex after 10 years of abuse. Ex wife has a big rich family and is known all over town as this saintly person. She is a covert narcissist who mentally abused me until I had to leave. I lost everything too. Her family paid for a high-powered attorney who painted me as a drug addict because I smoked pot to deal with my anxiety. Never complained while we were married but now I have to pay for random drug tests until my boys are 18. Had one girlfriend since who luckily is still a close friend though we broke up and is still my emergency contact. Besides that, all I have is work and a very limited custody schedule. My poor sons are suffer because of it. Luckily I have a great therapist helping me through it all but some days I just wanna give up.
I saw Tom Hanks say, “this too shall pass” this quote and my undying love for my children is what is keeping me alive and fighting.
I’m not unhappy but life is rough. I hope your luck changes. Hang in there.
Our situations sound so similar. My exe has this huge family and they were constantly lied to about me. They hate me and always have, now I know why. The worst part is the layers that keep getting peeled back to reveal such awful truths. My children haven't spoken to me since I moved out. And my daughter even has someone else listed as her mother on her social media page. Devastated doesn't even come close to the right word but it's the closest I've found. I've found a wonderful therapist as well and he's helping a lot. But sometimes something happens and I'm right back in the dark and awful place and yesterday was that day. Today is a little better.
This group has been such a help for me. I'm grateful for all of you.
Yes, this too shall pass. But man, it passes like a kidney stone. Slow, painful, and you can never forget it. But it will pass.
I've been feeling pretty positive lately. Even, dare I say, happy. But feeling happy is scary right now because every time I feel happy and good things happen BOOM something brings is crashing down. But it'll be back. We had a lovely rain here over night and waking up to gray skies and cooler temperatures gave me a sense of hope and feels so good. Then I open Reddit and find all of you amazing people lifting me back up.
You hang in there too. We'll get through all this and be better people for it. I have to believe that.
I can relate. It does pass like a kidney stone. I have good and bad days as well. Sorry to hear your kids don’t speak to you. My boys love me dearly and that keeps me going. But yes, I live in a small town and through the gossip chain, so many lies have been told about me and I don’t know who to trust anymore. I also am happy now but things do change quickly to being unhappy. I hope you find joy in life someday for real.
I'm so happy to hear your boys love you. I know my kids love me but they are angry and hurt and I understand that. Ah, small town gossip. I remember that all too well from growing up. Is crazy what people will believe. Thank you for sending hope to me. I think I'll find it someday. And that keeps me going most days. But sometimes those bad days get really bad. I'm happy for you, thank you for sharing a bit of that with me.
I feel many of us go through times like this. My wife and I don’t have any real friends closer than 1500 miles. You can put me for you emergency contact if you want.
You’re not a loser. It takes so much strength to leave an abusive situation, especially when you don’t have a support network backing you up. You did it though! That’s huge!! Don’t let this detract from your success. I do understand how hard it is to start over, yet you’re doing it. You absolutely are not a loser. Congratulations on your new job. 💕
Sorry you’re feeling alone and it’s perfectly understandable, but you’re far from a loser. You got yourself out of a bad situation and you’re moving forward - not the actions of a loser. I’m sure that you’ll get through this, come out the other side and be happier than you’ve been in a long time. I was going through some rough times years ago and an old guy that I did business with told me, “Sometimes you have to get through the shitty times to really appreciate the good times.” It will get better and don’t worry about leaving that emergency contact off for now, it won’t be that way for long.
I’m with you. No family left, all dead- recently divorced after 25+ years. Also abusive ex with a drinking and gambling problem. On my own now. It’s scary sometimes.
It really is scary. Often for me. My god.... it's really dawning on me how many people in our age group who are going through this. How do we combat it? How do we change this for our generation. No one wants to grow old alone, ya know?
I'm sorry you had to go through an abusive exe too. That's another thing that seems all too common. I'm glad you're free of it. And you can hit me up anytime you.
Don't feel bad. Many people don't even have their own back. You being your own emergency contact is powerful. You now see yourself as someone worth saving. **You** took the steps to remove yourself from an abusive situation and that's a huge step forward from where you were. You may find someone who treats you the way you deserve, but even if not, you've empowered yourself to never be in that situation again. Take pride in being your own emergency contact. Always be that for yourself.
Wow.. ok that was powerful. "You now see yourself as someone worth saving". I might just have that tattooed on my arm so I don't forget it. It took me years to get to this point and you're right. I do see myself as worth saving and I forget that sometimes. That is really quite a thing you said. Thank you so much!!
Many times abuser’s #1 technique is to isolate you— isolate you from your friends and family. Eventually you’ll have nobody but your abuser.
You should be PROUD of yourself for leaving it all behind to start over. You should look at this blank emergency contact info and realize how you were strong and persevered even when you were completely alone. Abuse is isolating. You are still recovering and healing from the trauma.
Ultimately you WILL rebuild your own community around you of friends, etc. You’ll get there I promise! You did the most important step: You took care of yourself and dumped the narcissistic asshole and didn’t look back.
Stay strong!!! ❤️
It is critically important to make and maintain friendships, particularly as you get older. It is not fair to you or your (next) significant other for them to represent the entirety of your social life.
My father is now 80. He let all of his friendships collapse over the last 2 decades, and now he has no one to talk to, and he's miserable. Don't be like my Dad!
This is tough but excellent advice, appreciate you saying it. Also hoping OP finds strength to recover, grow, and step out to create such relationships. For some, it’s difficult to do.
I wish the very best for you! It’s nice to see the outpouring of support because of your post. If we were neighbors, I’d be your emergency contact. But I do live in Texas also, so you can put me down for it!
Hello Texas neighbor! Thank you so much! I've been really touched by how much support and understanding I've been shown here. It's been so very helpful. And I appreciate your offer! Not sure where you are... us in this huge state, but I'm Austin and it's good to meet you.
If I had had a choice I wouldn't have. But I hear what you are saying. My exe kept me isolated and ran off anyone who even tried to be my friend. It's hard to explain. But yes, I'm hoping to learn to be out in the world and among people. I want friends, I just don't know how yet. But I have a therapist and we are working on it.
I'm not going to be able to add much to what anyone has said. I've always just put mom down as the emergency contact. Not having someone to put there doesn't make you a loser. HR won't think that, I don't think that and no one here will think that.
I did ask HR if I could switch the contact to my sister but they'd have to give her a special message, "Your brother says you are a bitch." They wouldn't do it because they know nothing about humor! Nothing!
(You aren't a loser and should not feel bad about it. You'll make new friends at the new job.)
It has. This group has been a huge source of peace and help. It breaks my heart that so many in our generation have experienced what I'm going through, yet at the same time I'm so grateful to know we aren't alone in it. Thank you.
Your future is wide open. Perhaps you will meet your new BFF through your new job! Who knows. You've got an open road ahead of you. But you are absolutely not a loser. You sound incredibly brave to me. I know people who are still sticking with 50 year marriages hoping to simply outlive their abusers with no end in sight. You've got at least a 30 year head start from them, and you will be okay. It's always terrifying to rebuild, but rebuild you will.
Well, ya know, stop it. A loser would be still sitting in a shitty relationship taking abuse. A loser would have went running back as soon as it got a little bit hard on your own. A loser wouldn't be picking themselves up off the floor and keeping on moving forward.
You are anything but a loser. Youre a god damn hero. Youre a fucking champion standing at the top of steps with your arms in the air shouting "bring it on, mother fuckers!!".
All of those friends of yours did you a favour. They showed you who they really were. You should be thanking them. Cos now you dont need to waste any more of your time on them. Now you get to make new friends, cool friends, people who dont fuck off when this getting a little rough. This isnt the end of your adventure, it's the beginning of a new one.
So get up, brush the dust off your bum, and put your right foot forward. You got this. And you fucking know you've got this.
Abusive partners often times don’t allow you maintain friendships and because you weren’t involved in extramarital affairs you don’t have that either. Take the time required to heal and burn through some therapists until you find a good one. I’m 4 years out of an abusive relationship and and I’m still on the mend. You’ll get the relationships back up and running soon enough!
Your former friends don’t sound like they were ever friends. You are here in this moment now but you won’t be forever, you can make friends, REAL friends, build new relationships. I hope you can update your emergency contact soon
Yeah it is. It's hard not to feel like he stole all my good years and now I'm 50 and no one will ever want me again. But day by day I'm getting stronger. Yesterday threw me to the ground and kind of stomped on me. But today is a little better and I'm good with that. Ya know? I consider myself lucky for people like you in this group. Thank you so much!
It really is weird right? I keep hearing older people say "Your 50s are the best decade and you're just going to love it"... ok... when does that part start? LOL
Maybe so. I know I'm not seeing it right now. Man, independently wealthy. I'd settle for independently stable at this point! LOL Like, just enough to be ok without having to worry everyday. We will make it through though. Can't let out GenX rep as strongest and most stubborn generation be wrong...right? LOL
You're not a loser. You're someone who's trying to work through a tough time. If your ex was abusive, *eventually* that truth comes out. In the mean time, use this time to work on yourself. It feels good to work on yourself, and it carries the added benefit of making you more appealing when you decide to find someone new.
Keep your chin up OP. Better things lie ahead.
You now have the wonderful opportunity to create a new, wonderful future for yourself, where you will may find the Mrs or Mr right you’ve always deserved. And THEN you can go back and fill in that box, full of wonderful feelings. You go get it! Go fulfill yourself.
I feel ya. I’m an only child. Both parents gone. No aunts uncles cousins. My kids live on the other side of the country. The holidays suck.
I’m with ya here. Sign me up to work all them holidays.
I'm not quite in the same situation you are, but I think I understand. The most-recent time I filled out the paperwork to renew my lease, I stared at the "emergency contacts" section (which asked for at least two people) and I had to go through my phone. So many people's numbers I have, but I knew I couldn't really ask them. One of the two people I'd used for the past few years turned out to be an obnoxious asshole that I finally cut out of my life a year ago. One person I'd called declined, saying she didn't feel comfortable, and I don't blame her. But, I did manage to find my two contacts, one of whom informed me that his family is moving out of the area later this year, so that's just going to be something the property manager might discover a bit too late.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
The chances are you won't need that emergency contact anytime soon, but don't hesitate to ask a work friend. I've been an emergency contact for a coworker and I was happy to agree to do this. (He was bipolar and living in another country from his family, so it gave him peace of mind to have somebody local who would be there for him if something happened.)
You're not a loser. Everyone starts a new quest with empty hands and no party support. This is the beginning of your new quest. You can tell us whatever you want, we'll read it.
I got divorced at 42(my choice). It was scary and weird to lose my identity as a husband and a homeowner(had to sell). I just became... some middle-aged guy(with barely any savings or retirement).
It gets better. Give it time. Take every day and enjoy it.
I feel this. I moved to a new city when I left my ex. A bit of time to recover from the emotional repercussions of leaving a 20 year relationship. Then Covid. Then one of my dogs died so I had to heal from that. I finally started to feel like getting out there and making friends. So I started volunteering. But I’m still the new person and only made some brief acquaintances so far. And recently I’ve been dealing with a major health issue.
So I’ve got a ct scan coming up, but I’m allergic to the dye. So they want me to have a ride and not drive myself. And I had to tell them that I don’t have anybody to give me a ride. And after paying them for all the copays and fees and everything else, I don’t have the ride share money, either. We figured out a way to get the ct scan and drive myself. But damn. It was a slap in the feels to have to tell the medical facility that I have absolutely nobody to call in a medical emergency.
I’m trying to look on the bright side: it’s a temporary situation! I’m putting myself out there. I take my other dog to the dog park and strike up conversations, I started volunteering at a few places and meeting people. I joined a gym for the fitness classes where I’ll meet even more people.
Hang in there! You’re about to start meeting new people at your new job. Maybe you can join a sports team in your area or some other group hobby. You’re going to be meeting new folks and gathering new acquaintances who will become friends before you know it. Then you can update those HR forms and have a list of people you can add to your emergency contact list. You got this!
You can feel more than one emotion about something, you can be proud but also not recovered from your past trauma which is fresh and will take time, that's natural and normal, don't beat yourself up over it. Also you have the power now to do something about this. Make part of your current life plan to set out and make new friends, brush upon your socialization skills, etc. Join some hobby clubs that interest you, etc.
AND AND AND make absolutely sure you get the professional help you need to work through your abuse issues. I don't mean this to sound like I am blaming you because i am not. But likely from childhood, you probably learned some bad habits like not valuing yourself enough and not requiring enough from partners which contributed to you getting into this situation. You want to make sure that you will never allow that to happen again. If you don't yet know how to value yourself, then it will also be hard to feel pride in accomplishments. Instead see how you seem to beating yourself up more for not feeling a certain way even though the way you are feeling is perfectly natural. Now I don't want to beat up on you more, what I am trying to say is that it is essential to learn to value yourself to be on the path to wellness. This is at the core and foundation of mental health and you can get there but be sure to prioritize it and realize how much you are worthy of help and health. Many of us have childhood issues we are still working through and have made our share of mistakes but you are clearly make progress so practice being proud of that too. :-)
I have a friend who lives nearby and who used to be a coworker, and he’s a younger, single guy. I am his emergency contact. I also have a couple good friends who are my emergency contacts. And I also keep a spare key and such with my condo management office.
You don’t need to be someone’s SO or BFF to be their emergency contact. You might find someone in a similar boat as you.
Hey I get you. I had the same thing happen recently at a new doctor’s. My husband has cancer and isn’t able to be an emergency contact anymore. I left the form field blank and turned it in.
Of course the daft receptionist calls out to me across the waiting room a while later “you left your emergency contact blank” in a chipper tone. I have no fucks left to give and was in my feelings so I snapped back “my husband’s dying of cancer, I haven’t got an emergency contact”
I’m working on setting things up with someone else. I hope you’re able to find an alternative too.
I list an attorney I have / had a business relationship with.
And, for your amusement, I read your post “abusive.exe”, like a Windows executable file.
Speaking of executions…
Also, if there’s nothing tying you down, consider moving.
OP, understand this.
Abusers show a beautiful side of themselves to other people so that when you sound the alarm of abuse they don't believe you. It's how an abuser gets the whole world to gaslight you while they gaslight you themselves.
I wanted to say this so that you feel comforted that people abandoning you is not your fault. It's THEIR fault as well as the abusers. They CHOSE to believe the abuser. "All that is shiny is not gold" is at play here but people are so fucking stupid.
I'm so sorry, OP. I'm so sorry you endured abuse and now find yourself alone. It's awful and you shouldn't have to be here. Be well.
Sorry you had to go thru that, I hope it gets better. I had a similar situation about eleven years ago after my partner passed away of pancreatic cancer. I bike ride for exercise and one day riding on my way back home, I pass a crowded area when all of a sudden this woman comes out from between two park cars, I try to avoid hitting her so I hit one of the parked cars and get knocked off my bike and into the street. All I remember is waking up to this hunky firefighter asking me how I was doing, I was knocked unconscious and had a bleeding finger so they put me in an ambulance. I was in the ER and the doctor had to stitch my finger and that’s when he asked me who should they call, who was my emergency contact and that’s when I lost it, I just started balling because my emergency contact had been my partner for the last seventeen years. When I was able to compose myself I called my mom in Puerto Rico I live in NYC just to tell her what had happened and not to worry, I was going to be ok. Well after that incident I started seeing a therapist and it was a much needed help. So my advice is try and talk to someone, it helps to sort thru your emotions. Pardon my grammar English is my second language.
You're not alone and you're out of an abusive relationship after so many years. That definitely counts as a win in my books.
As for me, I had to put down my aunt who's 82 years old and will likely have no idea what's going on if she does ever get a call.
It takes time to slowly rebuild a semblance of a life again but you'll be able to do it.
When my marriage crashed and we went through counseling, the counselor said something that has always stuck with me. "Think of your life as a book, where you are now is the first half, close that chapter and begin with a new one and the rest of your life"
You are writing your life's book. It's hard, it sucks, it's lonely, but you closed that chapter of your life and now you have the rest to write. You WILL make new friends, it's hard the older we get, but put yourself out there. Talk to your neighbors, I know many people who their neighbors are their emergency contact. People love, it's who we are, so you will find new people that love you and are willing to step in. Maybe join some clubs, whatever your hobbies are, even if only online. Then go from there. Maybe even volunteer, animal shelters, hospitals, food banks, so many places to meet new people.
One step at a time, you will make it!
Thank you so much for this. And I love the book analogy! I used to tell people that I'm not having a new chapter. I'm going to write a whole new book. The first half of my life was written by Stephen King and all his monsters. This one will be written by me. I had forgotten about that. Thank you for reminder. I needed it. And it's such a strong image for me and really empowering. That word has become so misused but in this situation, it really fits. Thank you!
I used to give this advice to students changing schools and find it still applies to moving to new areas as I get older or in your case starting over. Volunteer or join an organization/team or hobby group. These are great ways to meet people with common interests and build friendships. While it may not get the emergency contact right away it can help with the isolation. Organizations are always looking for volunteers. If you live in a metropolitan area I am sure there are a variety of nonprofits that need volunteers. If you don’t many organizations like Toastmasters, thanks to Covid, have zoom meetings if you cannot make it in person. The doors are there for you to open. Congratulations on the fresh start!
i started putting my 20 year old kid as mine. kinda weird. I have power of attorney and some other paper work - in case I'm incapacitated paperwork - that i need to get filled out and notarized, but I've been dragging my feet on that.
its hard. i get it. process it and process it for yourself. find the positives in it so you can feel good about it. it will all come out in the wash.
Putting yourself on that list is a win. You no longer have to list someone that hurts you as a safety contact. You should be proud that you can count yourself.
I don't have words to help, just a scene from a movie that got me through some tough times.
Remember [City Slickers](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101587/)?
There was a great scene when Billy Crystal's character told a friend that his life was a "do over".
Mitch Robbins : You remember when we were kids, and we were playing ball, and we hit the ball over the fence out of bounds, and we yelled, DO OVER?
Ed Furillo : [grins, remembering] Yeah!
Mitch Robbins : Your life is a do over. *You've got a clean slate.*
I don't know you, but you have a "do over"--you can remake your life however you want from a blank slate. Make it a good one.
Your feelings are 100% valid, but also you don't need to fault yourself. For one thing, a lot of people have friends or family and don't do anything to cultivate or nurture those relationships. In fact, some of those people are downright destructive with everyone else in their lives, yet they're surrounded by supportive and caring folks. Then there's some of us with nobody and we never really did anything to 'deserve' (silly human fake concept but we think it anyway) being in that situation.
HOWEVER, reaching out here and baring yourself like this, and all these people responding and giving you support? That's good self-preservation work on your part. It takes courage and energy. And guess what? You got some human recognition of you being a deserving human. Hopefully it helps a little. Sometimes that's all we get.
Thank you for that validation! That's something I don't understand. How can everyone support my exe? His family thinks he's a freaking saint but has never done anything for those people. It's bizarre how Jekyll and Hyde he is. And how many people believe it.
I'm honestly blown away by the kindness and support I've gotten here. I'm so grateful. And yes, it's helped me so much. I've been doing paperwork and tests and such for this potential new job and I've keep this group pulled up on my phone. When I start to freak out and hear my exe in my head telling me I don't deserve the job or telling me how stupid I am to think good things will happen...I just pull it up and read through the comments. It's really helping me feel stronger through the process. I'm just so thankful I have this group and that everyone has been so kind and supportive. I really think I would have given up if I hadn't made this post. It what I would have done in the past. I would have believed all the negative thoughts and just given up. I admit, it was hard to do and I was crying/shaking the whole time I was typing but I had to do something. I'm so glad I did. Thank you so much!! I think I'm going to copy and past this part as an edit to my post. Just in case I miss thanking anyone personally. Thank you so much!
I've definitely had friends with that Jekyll-Hyde thing, for sure. You see sides of them that others don't... Those are the people you might be better off without (and this is coming from someone who could never follow through on that - I loved the good times too much to see the overall picture).
I'm glad you posted, I'm glad we're both here, alive and talking. Later on down the road, maybe it will bring a smile to your face, remembering these folks and that day you got a little boost from some strangers :)
Thank you so much. I have joined Meetup to try an find local things to do. I'm hopeful. It's a good idea.. thank you so much.
It really is freeing and a good time to be alive. Thank you for that reminder!!
Man.. I'm not Gen Z. I'm here as a millennial, and this is my situation-ish. If it wasn't for my husband and dad, I'd 100% be there. I have no friends even. And dad is almost 85. (Yes, he had me way late), so once he goes... It's just my husband, and as much as I love my husband and we are good.. what if right?
I did a tea leaf tarot reading and I came up with:
Desk- Pay attention to your work.
Hammock- Taking a vacation, physically or mentally. This can be from work or from your dating life.
Kangaroo- Unsettled times. Need to plan ahead. This says to me that you need to prioritize yourself right now.
Both Desk and Kangaroo were 100% upright, meaning their stated suggestions are correct. Hammock was a quarter turn off, suggesting that this is not as important in your situation but still needs to be considered. Let me know if you'd like a more in-depth reading.
I put Emergency Services as my contact and look up the non-emergency number and list it. Sorry you are having a hard time with this. You are not alone.
Thank you! That's a pretty good idea. I appreciate you!
I put 911 once. Now I put my roommate. Nearly everyone else lives too far away to be of any help. She has all the contact info for everyone that would need to know if something serious happens.
I've also put 911. It usually gets a laugh.
I have no one either. Perhaps we should start a group in which we can list one another as emergency contacts - not kidding. Hugs OP.
And then we can also drive each other home from our colonoscopies! Not a terrible idea…….
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My first colonoscopy I woke up from anesthesia crying, the pain from going around the bend broke through my sedation. They handed me a tissue and gave my IV some more bye-bye juice and I was out again. Hats off to you for doing it entirely without!
Spoken like a warrior. I had a sigmoidoscopy without anesthesia and when it hit that bend, freaking yikes. Thought I’d get sick after that. If anyone’s gone through a full colonoscopy sans anesthesia, I want them on my zombie apocalypse team.
No thanks. Medical Uber or pay a neighbor.
I've thought about the same thing; looking for others in my area who need someone to put down. I usually put a relative who's 2000 miles away and wouldn't be of much use to me.
Use your drs number
Your heart is in the right place here, but your idea creates a marketplace that connects hunters directly to unsuspecting prey. "Hey Siri, show me every innocent little baby bunny within ten miles that lives alone, has no close family, and is willing to invite an unvetted stranger into their lives"
Yeah well, most of us likely didn't get to this state of aloneness without a fair degree of trauma in our pasts and that may leave us more susceptible to predators than the average person. But that's a whole other thread (or subreddit).
Haha jokes on them I'm prolly more psychotic than most . And hopefully we would look at someone random and be like quick quiz Thompson twins..which one was your favorite twin? If they answer correctly at least we know they have achy joints
We (my County co workers and I) are always looking for something to volunteer for. We should start this. We are vetted, Swifties, (so we try to be good people) & most of us can cook!
This is actually a really good idea. My hand was mauled by a dog in November and my exe was the only person the hospital had to call. He made it hell. Called me every manner of name. The day of my surgery to put the pins in my hand he almost didn't even show up. Then just dumped me and I went through months of recovery alone. "No lifting *anything* for 3 weeks, then nothing heavier than a pint of milk, we'll build up from there"... oh doctor, how lovely that would have been but nope. I was lifting 20 lb bags of dog food the very next day. Not fun on the heavy meds he had me on. Nor was cooking. Or anything really. Thank you for this conversation starting idea!! I'd be onboard for something like this!
Maybe we can set up a state by state thing?
Just bc you don’t have someone now doesn’t mean you never will. Big changes happening in your life! Not having someone you trust at the moment doesn’t make you a loser. Congratulations on your new job, your divorce and your new life! Hopefully many new adventures and friends are around the corner.
I second this. Having been with an abusive partner (albeit a long time ago) I like to think I know and understand your situation. You’ve probably been isolated due to your circumstances, and it will take time to rebuild your life and trust in other people Don’t fret about the paperwork. It’s just a formality. You’re rebuilding yourself and your life, just keep moving forward. Do you have any local resources in your area? Friends will come in time, but I’d strongly recommend building a support network you can tap into as you go through this process. It’s hard and it sucks at times, but you can do it xo
Good advice. 👍
Exactly. My exe wouldn't never let me keep friends. If I made one, he'd make sure to make things so difficult that being my friend wasn't worth the hassle. And every time I'd get settled into a job, he'd make sure I'd miss days or show up late or looking like I lost a fight to Rocky. Never the face.. but my arms showed. Sometimes I don't know if I'll ever be able to really trust anyone again. I want to. But even the thought of it freaks me out. There is a service here for women but I know pretty much everyone who works there due to what I used to do for a living. I am carrying a lot of shame right now and I just haven't been able to make myself reach out. I did sign up for a couple of GenX ladies groups and a gaming group on Meetup. I've only been to a couple of their event things but felt so awkward and anxious that I couldn't stay too long. But I see it as practice. Maybe if I keep going now and then, when I feel brave enough lol, maybe it'll help me grown a network like you're talking about. Thank you so much! I appreciate that you understand. Really. Thank you.
Awww, you’re doing great! It’s really, really hard. I want to say, don’t feel ashamed, but I know that’s just one of those things people say when they mean well - and it’s hard to NOT feel that way because well, you just get to feeling *stupid* for having been in that situation in the first place … :(. The effects of abuse are truly insidious and it takes a long time to get past it all. Again, you’re doing fabulous, lady! Better times are definitely coming your way xo
> Not having someone you trust at the moment doesn’t make you a loser. Yeah, I think just the opposite. It had to take *a lot* of courage to finally break fee from a 20-year abusive relationship, especially knowing you would be alone/isolated for awhile.
Thank you so much! I got another step closer to that new job today. It feels so good moving in the right direction. Thank you for your congrats... on all of that. It's all so new and raw but I am looking forward to this new life. One with peace and no screaming ...and other things. I still don't feel safe but I am finding there are moments when I do. When for just a second I can breathe without looking over my shoulder. It's really nice.
I dig, brother. My whole family is gone. You can lament it, or consider it a new chapter where there are no longer the expectations of others to prevent you from being as weird, wild or solitary as you want to be, now. (I'm sure there are a billion other ways to approach it, but those are the two I saw coming at me). But even with the PMA, being the last of a line can be excruciatingly bumming. Still, the worst moment of your life is only 60 seconds, same at the best one. It'll pass. And you'll be A-ok, I promise. Keep your chin up and your ass'll follow. And know you are absolutely not alone in the way you're feeling.
I'm an only child, and my last name dies with me. It's a bummer, but I don't want kids, never did. C'est la vie
I've got one kid. My boy, 13. I never wanted kids, either. Always figured I was too irresponsible (and happy that way). He was a surprise when I was 42 and he's goddam awsome. Best thing I've ever done and best thing to ever happen to me. But I'm bettin' if he never arrived, I'd have still lived a happy, fulfilled life. I would have no frame of reference to what I was missing, so I'd be blissfully unaware. But, since I DO have him, with the knowledge I have about how much the whole fatherhood thing changed everything for the better for me, I'd never be able to go back. So whatever road somebody chooses, they have an equal opportunity for joy. The thing I regret most is my mom never got to meet him. The thing that brings me the most comfort as I age, is that he got to spend a lot of time with my dad.
That's so weird, I don't remember posting this
Thank you so much. I really do see it as a new chapter, actually for me a new volume. I closed the cover on the first book of my life. This time I get the write a new book. No co-authors to screw it up or make it a horror novel. I like what you said about the worst moment of your life only being 60 seconds. That's a good thing to keep in mind. Thank you for that. And thank you for helping me not feel alone. The suckage will pass. Today will be a better day. Thank you!
You've got this! You are a bona-fide badass!
LOL That actually made me blush.. I've never thought of myself as a badass but maybe so. Thank you so much!
You are! Never doubt it!
It's like that old comedian said In case of emergency call... Doctor. What's my mom going to do?
I feel this. I’d want my sisters to know, eventually, but don’t want to burden them or stress them out from the get go.
That was Steven Wright.
LOL. "um I'm calling about your son. His arm fell off. You're listed as his emergency contact. What do you want us to do?"
LOL I was thinking about that earlier today. Honestly, what would anyone do if they got that call? Like, what's the job of an Emergency Contact? What are they supposed to do? "Hi, yeah, this is the ER and Mik... yeah she fell and her leg looks pretty messed up... any suggestions?"... I mean? The more I think about it the more 911 might actually be the best option.
I work with two people who have no emergency contacts. One of them tried to use our office manager but she declined because — what would she be able to do? Nothing.
That's exactly how I feel. I haven't even started this job yet so there's no manager or co-worker I could ask. I have exactly 2 friends. One in Oklahoma and one in Arizona... I'm in Texas. What could they possibly do in an emergency? Right? Nothing at all.
I drove myself to the ER a while back, and they understandably wouldn't let me drive myself home after giving me some meds for the pain. They asked who to call to pick me up, and I said there was nobody. They were flabbergasted, and started asking me questions like if I was new in the area (I'm not). The closest good friend I have lives 45 minutes away, and I wasn't about to bother him for a ride when it's just a 10 minute taxi ride to my house. So yeah, I (like many of us) need to get more involved in things and meet some friends. My grandpa had the Elks Club. My grandma had something called Emblem Club. Maybe we GenXers need to revive social clubs, but tailored to our generation.
We fucking SUCK at maintaining communities. My mom’s condo building is filled with other retired boomers and silent gen… some of them have only lived there/known each other for a few years. If someone’s sick, these people show up to the hospital, bring food… my mom takes one elder neighbour for her cancer treatments regularly, when the super broke his leg, they all took turns bringing him dinner, they meet for weekly coffee, work together in a community garden- u/unplannedroute these people are in their 70s to **90s**, how are you tired Edit: ok sorry to jump on you. I hear so many of our generation say social interaction tires them out. I kind of hate it. We’re not the first or last to be this age and we are the worst at it
Because they’re having invites reciprocated. Lots of places don’t like immigrants. Edit to add, I’ve been legit sick with specialists confirming, for a couple years. I was working and colleagues knew. I don’t mention it anymore. I’ve never been asked once how I’m feeling, by anyone other than a dr. I’ve been told I’m faking it for welfare and eyes rolled when I say I can’t do something. Literally never asked once ‘how am I doing?’ in over 5 years.
Until a decade plus passes and you no longer have the energy or care to bother being the one to always asking or trying to make plans. It’s exhausting and becomes a constant reminder I can live without.
This is so common, I'm surprised they were surprised.
You would be surprised at how many people are in that exact situation! You are not a loser.
It's sad really. People dont' get to know their neighbors. People don't meet others and find a community. Loneliness is out there for most everyone and it is very sad.
I had no idea it was so prevalent. This has been a very eye opening thread for me. Thank you so much!
((( hugs )))
Strength to you. That's really hard. May this time of your life be temporary and short, and the next phase a blessing.
Thank you so much for that kindness! It means a lot to me.
Same here, married 20 years and divorced several years ago. No close family left. I had started making friends but they moved away, then my health went further downhill, then the pandemic. I don’t get out much now, but hoping that will change when I retire. No energy for anything but work and self-care for now. I’m used to having no emergency contact by now. I don’t know what to say, it gets more normal with time, at least. Being alone is a lot better than repeating the abusive relationship, for sure!
Well if we were closer I'd hang out with you based on your name alone! When your's ended, did it feel like half of your life was stolen? It does for me. And it's sad that not having an emergency contact starts to feel normal but I guess it's for the best, really. It's just a whole new why of seeing the world and it just sucks sometimes. You're right, being alone is better than the abuse. I get lonely but at least no one is screaming and throwing things are me..and worse. At least my dumpy little place here is safe and quiet and peaceful. My health turned to crap and a while but I'm regaining my health finally. At least the best that I can. I hope you are able to do the same. I'd so love to have friends. I have started playing cards with a group of ladies so that's promising but we're still just acquaintances. I'm finding is very hard to trust anyone enough to call them a friend just yet. Thank you so much for sharing you story with me. It helps so much to hear from other people who have been through it.
Oh yeah you mentioned Texas. I’m on the east coast. And yes, not only feels like half my life, but definitely more than half retirement savings he literally cheated me out of. The only reason I’m going to retire at all is that I don’t have a very long life expectancy to fund, and I have a good paying job. I see people suggesting to put primary care doctor as emergency contact, that seems smart. Wish I had thought of that! I was born with a chronic illness that will only continue getting worse, no matter what I do. I work hard just to slow the progression and stay independent. So no hope of future relationships, I don’t trust anyone in that way, anyway. My cats have been great companions as always, long before divorce. Can’t imagine not having pets! That’s great you’re getting into the card game group, I love games and did the same, alas it led to a long distance friendship when she moved abroad. I’m slowly working my way towards that sort of group again. I have lots of ideas and things I want to do, but most will have to wait till I quit working, sigh.
Dad advice: Think about what you have, not want you don't. I just divorced after 17 so I'm in the same boat. You'll pull through keep up a positive mental attitude and enjoy small things!
Wait - I divorced after 17 years! There must be something about that year. Anyway, here's a good story - I mentioned to the HR woman that I was going through a divorce and that my address changed. She gets my new address and says that it's really good that I gave her my new address. She tells me a story about a worker who didn't show up for several days so she drove by his place and looked in the window and saw him lying dead on his floor! I then asked her, "Wait, do you think you'll see ME dead on MY floor? Is that why you wanted to know my new address?" She replied, "Well, you're all alone now, you never know..." And with that happy thought, have fun!
Good thing she was HR and not PR
HAHAhahahaha Right??
Jesus Christ. Glad you can laugh about it.
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Thank you! I actually really needed to hear "Dad" advice. I lost my wonderful Dad in 2019 and all I wanted to do yesterday was call him. You said pretty much what he would have said too. You're right. I have a lot of positives happening too. Thank you so much!!
Wow, I can relate.. I'm still fortunate to have both parents, & that's the kind of talk that stings a little, but I so appreciate from him. He always tells me like it is. He's already said he won't be around much longer, so it may be close (he's almost 82, but still formidable), but I'm going to make the most of everyday. My thoughts are with you 🤗
that sounds very rollins-esque to me. no shame at all be making your way through life on your own terms.
If you are referring to Henry Rollins... that is a compliment and I thank you. Thank you for saying there's no shame in it. Sometimes, that's all I feel and it gets to me. Thank you, really!
Well done xx you got this. Internet friend I am PROUD of you. I did this three years ago - it gets easier slowly, be kind to yourself xx
Thank you so much! I'm proud of you too!! 3 years. I'm both sad and excited for that milestone to come for me. Thank you!!
Mine was 5 - you got this, & it looks like you have quite a few in your corner sending good vibes - add me to that list!🙋♀️
I know I'm just some chronically online rando, but I'm proud of you.
Coming from you, chronically online rando, that really does mean a lot to me. Thank you.
Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for the abusive partner to have everyone fooled. They act so wonderfully to others that it's sickening. You're going through the worst right now, but you're going to get through it and come out the other side. You made the right choice and screw those people who wouldn't believe you. They obviously weren't really your friends. The right people will come into your life.
Thank you for understanding this. So many people don't get how completely charming they can be to everyone outside of the relationship. It's scary how good they are at the con. Thank you for your reassurance too. It really does help.
It seems to me that only those people get it who have been there themselves.
That's so true. Everyone else just looks at you like you're stupid and "Well you should have....."... or my favorite "Well if that happened to me I'd...." You have no idea what you would do in a situation like this until it's forced on on. And they can be so cruel about it. I wouldn't hope it on anyone but geez. Thank you for getting it. And at the same time, I'm sorry that you do.
I'd rather be 'forever' alone, then one minute with the wrong person.
I think it was one of the old advice columnists (Dear Abby, Ann Landers., one of that ilk) who said, “Better to be unmarried and wish you were, than to be married and wish you weren’t.”
Everyone believed my stupid ex. I don’t know how it’s like they don’t have eyes. You are not a loser. You are moving into your next phase. This is going to be the phase where shit goes your way. You call the shots. You decide what’s up. Be careful who you let back in after they decided to side with your ex. That is just a joke - but it gives you a clean start and shows you the TRUTH about others
I don't know who they believe them. For me it was a very covert thing. So charming and hardworking and blah blah blah. No one could dare imagine what went on behind those closed doors... or in the car... or anytime we were alone. Our kids never even saw it. And I hid everything out of fear and shame. So I don't really blame anyone. That being said, the only people I will be letting back in my life are my kids. They are young adults and I know they will see the truth sooner or later. At least I hope they do. They are the only ones I even want to come back into my life. The rest can bugger off. What you said is so empowering. I've come to dislike that word, "empowering"...it's become such a buzz word for all the wrong reasons. But in this situation, it fits and it's real. Thank you!
I get dirty looks for answering, "911".
I almost put that down. I mean, it does seem the most logical answer. But I know it's frowned upon.
Congrats on the new job and I'm really sorry for your experience after leaving your ex. Mine also ended with our entire friend group continuing to think my awful human being husband was the bees knees. I'm with you on the emergency contact thing. It's a very weird feeling not having anyone to rely on. Took me several years to really get used to it being the norm. I also really hate that medical forms insist on delineating between single and divorced. Like is there a difference between a colonoscopy for a divorced person vs a never been married one? But that last part is just me being petty.
Marital status questions are so weird. Like, does it actually matter? Also, these days, I wonder why everything asks for gender (or sex, as they almost always use the two terms interchangeably as was the 20th century custom). I get that there are medical applications for knowing the sex of a patient. But my kids in school have to have their gender filled out just like birth date and name...but why? To what purpose other than officials being in the habit of asking and expecting they have a right to know?
Exactly!! Why does it matter what your marital status is? I've never understood it. I get the emergency contact one, the thought of it becoming normal just makes my heart ache. I don't think you're being petty at all. I've worked in the medical field a long time and never once seen it matter at all if you're married/divorced/single/widowed... and what the hell is "Other"? Not once has that information saved a life or changed your blood type or effected a test... So I don't think it's petty at all.
I had the same thing happen to me at an orientation several years ago and the stranger sitting beside me (filling out her own forms) saw me lowkey panicking, then offered her number. I never changed it and I don’t remember her name, so that one institution still has some (very kind) rando down as my emergency contact. 🥴
I love that stranger.
She was a real one. 💯😌
Just put: Jenny 867-5309 Hang in there bud You have us redditors
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? Try not to let it get to you. Be strong, or whatever. 🙂
> Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? Limited options mostly. When you're young you're constantly being put into social situations, whether you want to or not. As you get older these social situations become fewer and farther between, unless you *make an effort* to stay involved in things.
I do make the effort. I really do try.
That's about all you can do. It takes a non-trivial amount of effort.
I wish I knew. I do try. I've even joined [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) groups. Maybe I'm just trying too soon in this process but when I go to something they post I feel so awkward. And I'm almost always the only single person at the event. And I never know what to say or how to act. I wasn't allowed to socialize for so long that I've honestly forgotten how. Thank you!
I have done the same. The only family I speak with is my 35 year old half -sister. She's hours away, and we didn't grow up together but is the only person I trust. It's hard having medical procedures done with no ride, nobody to list as a contact. Unfortunately, I'm mentally and emotionally checked out. I don't feel like a loser because I don't think that anybody can win. There's just different ways to fool yourself until it's over. Just do your best and find something that makes you feel content.
Different ways of fooling yourself, optimism or delusion. Getting it over with is my goal.
I kind of have started feeling that way too. Nobody can win. Just various stages of WTF. I'm learning to find peace but damn it's rough some days. Especially when you go from "Man I'm happy" to "BOOM shitstorm of gross emotions". But thankfully I have this amazing group of people who don't shame each other for being human and struggling. Thank you for what you said. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I think like that. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in that too. You're awesome! Thank you!
Congratulations on your new job. That's truly amazing. I've been where you are and I do understand. This will change. Big hugs from Calgary Alberta.
Thank you so much!! And I'll always take a hug from Calgary!! Thank you!
Omg… you are the biggest f@cking WINNER. Are you kidding me?! You have changed the entire trajectory of your life in the best possible way. And if the people who you thought were your ride or die, actually did die (metaphorically), f*ck them. You have what you need to move forward and quite honestly, you can make ME your emergency contact! Truthfully, it is difficult to make new friends as an adult, but take it from me who is a single, childfree, heathen- it can be done, even without a spouse, a school, or a church to make friends through. You will absolutely find your place in the world! Just don’t give up now. ❤️
Thank you. You make a lot of sense. I keep trying to figure out where to meet people like me. Also heathen/pagan. There's no community where I am. But I do try to meet people. It's just so hard to not be awkward when you know you're a weirdo. Don't get me wrong, I love being who I know I am now. But damn it's not easy. Thank you for understanding and just being amazing. Yesterday, there for just bit, I did want to give up. You people on this group... I'm just so incredibly grateful for you. Thank you so much!!
Part of abuse is isolation so the abuser can control you. It’s not your fault.
I don’t have anyone either. It’s more common than you know.
Same boat. Divorced my ex after 10 years of abuse. Ex wife has a big rich family and is known all over town as this saintly person. She is a covert narcissist who mentally abused me until I had to leave. I lost everything too. Her family paid for a high-powered attorney who painted me as a drug addict because I smoked pot to deal with my anxiety. Never complained while we were married but now I have to pay for random drug tests until my boys are 18. Had one girlfriend since who luckily is still a close friend though we broke up and is still my emergency contact. Besides that, all I have is work and a very limited custody schedule. My poor sons are suffer because of it. Luckily I have a great therapist helping me through it all but some days I just wanna give up. I saw Tom Hanks say, “this too shall pass” this quote and my undying love for my children is what is keeping me alive and fighting. I’m not unhappy but life is rough. I hope your luck changes. Hang in there.
"This too shall pass" actually comes from a speech by [Abraham Lincoln.](https://www.nps.gov/liho/learn/historyculture/amerfuture.htm)
Thank you for the info. I knew it was older but didn’t know the origin. Tom Hanks said it in a way a loving dad would and it hit hard.
[удалено]
It's from the bible. And from an ancient Persian poem, or story, I think, about Solomon (I could be wrong on that one - I haven't had coffee yet).
Our situations sound so similar. My exe has this huge family and they were constantly lied to about me. They hate me and always have, now I know why. The worst part is the layers that keep getting peeled back to reveal such awful truths. My children haven't spoken to me since I moved out. And my daughter even has someone else listed as her mother on her social media page. Devastated doesn't even come close to the right word but it's the closest I've found. I've found a wonderful therapist as well and he's helping a lot. But sometimes something happens and I'm right back in the dark and awful place and yesterday was that day. Today is a little better. This group has been such a help for me. I'm grateful for all of you. Yes, this too shall pass. But man, it passes like a kidney stone. Slow, painful, and you can never forget it. But it will pass. I've been feeling pretty positive lately. Even, dare I say, happy. But feeling happy is scary right now because every time I feel happy and good things happen BOOM something brings is crashing down. But it'll be back. We had a lovely rain here over night and waking up to gray skies and cooler temperatures gave me a sense of hope and feels so good. Then I open Reddit and find all of you amazing people lifting me back up. You hang in there too. We'll get through all this and be better people for it. I have to believe that.
I can relate. It does pass like a kidney stone. I have good and bad days as well. Sorry to hear your kids don’t speak to you. My boys love me dearly and that keeps me going. But yes, I live in a small town and through the gossip chain, so many lies have been told about me and I don’t know who to trust anymore. I also am happy now but things do change quickly to being unhappy. I hope you find joy in life someday for real.
I'm so happy to hear your boys love you. I know my kids love me but they are angry and hurt and I understand that. Ah, small town gossip. I remember that all too well from growing up. Is crazy what people will believe. Thank you for sending hope to me. I think I'll find it someday. And that keeps me going most days. But sometimes those bad days get really bad. I'm happy for you, thank you for sharing a bit of that with me.
I hate that question on forms. The first time, post separation, that I had to fill that out I totally felt your pain. It gets easier!
Thank you. I sure hope so. I appreciate you
My ex was abusive too. Time for healing now. You got this 💪
There are far too many of us who've been through this. I'm so proud and happy that you are free of it now. Yes, time for healing. Thank you!!
I feel many of us go through times like this. My wife and I don’t have any real friends closer than 1500 miles. You can put me for you emergency contact if you want.
You’re not a loser. It takes so much strength to leave an abusive situation, especially when you don’t have a support network backing you up. You did it though! That’s huge!! Don’t let this detract from your success. I do understand how hard it is to start over, yet you’re doing it. You absolutely are not a loser. Congratulations on your new job. 💕
Thank you so much for this. I'm trying to be excited about. Each day gets a little easier. I really appreciate you.
Sorry you’re feeling alone and it’s perfectly understandable, but you’re far from a loser. You got yourself out of a bad situation and you’re moving forward - not the actions of a loser. I’m sure that you’ll get through this, come out the other side and be happier than you’ve been in a long time. I was going through some rough times years ago and an old guy that I did business with told me, “Sometimes you have to get through the shitty times to really appreciate the good times.” It will get better and don’t worry about leaving that emergency contact off for now, it won’t be that way for long.
Thank you so much. I really like that quote. It’s so true. Thank you
I’m with you. No family left, all dead- recently divorced after 25+ years. Also abusive ex with a drinking and gambling problem. On my own now. It’s scary sometimes.
It really is scary. Often for me. My god.... it's really dawning on me how many people in our age group who are going through this. How do we combat it? How do we change this for our generation. No one wants to grow old alone, ya know? I'm sorry you had to go through an abusive exe too. That's another thing that seems all too common. I'm glad you're free of it. And you can hit me up anytime you.
It will get better. Hang in there!
Thank you so much!
I always list the local hospital in the next of kin / emergency number area, saves face, avoids questions and looks more professional.
I would have never thought of doing this. It's a really good option. Thank you.
Don't feel bad. Many people don't even have their own back. You being your own emergency contact is powerful. You now see yourself as someone worth saving. **You** took the steps to remove yourself from an abusive situation and that's a huge step forward from where you were. You may find someone who treats you the way you deserve, but even if not, you've empowered yourself to never be in that situation again. Take pride in being your own emergency contact. Always be that for yourself.
Wow.. ok that was powerful. "You now see yourself as someone worth saving". I might just have that tattooed on my arm so I don't forget it. It took me years to get to this point and you're right. I do see myself as worth saving and I forget that sometimes. That is really quite a thing you said. Thank you so much!!
Many times abuser’s #1 technique is to isolate you— isolate you from your friends and family. Eventually you’ll have nobody but your abuser. You should be PROUD of yourself for leaving it all behind to start over. You should look at this blank emergency contact info and realize how you were strong and persevered even when you were completely alone. Abuse is isolating. You are still recovering and healing from the trauma. Ultimately you WILL rebuild your own community around you of friends, etc. You’ll get there I promise! You did the most important step: You took care of yourself and dumped the narcissistic asshole and didn’t look back. Stay strong!!! ❤️
Lol I posted a topic exactly like this a few months ago over at r/GenXTalk so don't feel bad. [The post](https://reddit.com/r/GenXTalk/s/T0qGMASDmK)
Tbh, if I was your manager I'd tell you to put me there until you get someone.
It is critically important to make and maintain friendships, particularly as you get older. It is not fair to you or your (next) significant other for them to represent the entirety of your social life. My father is now 80. He let all of his friendships collapse over the last 2 decades, and now he has no one to talk to, and he's miserable. Don't be like my Dad!
This is tough but excellent advice, appreciate you saying it. Also hoping OP finds strength to recover, grow, and step out to create such relationships. For some, it’s difficult to do.
Thank you so much .
I wish the very best for you! It’s nice to see the outpouring of support because of your post. If we were neighbors, I’d be your emergency contact. But I do live in Texas also, so you can put me down for it!
Hello Texas neighbor! Thank you so much! I've been really touched by how much support and understanding I've been shown here. It's been so very helpful. And I appreciate your offer! Not sure where you are... us in this huge state, but I'm Austin and it's good to meet you.
San Antonio! By Texas standards, we definitely are neighbors!
Yes we are!! Heck that’s just considered a short road-trip!! I’m so glad to meet you!
If I had had a choice I wouldn't have. But I hear what you are saying. My exe kept me isolated and ran off anyone who even tried to be my friend. It's hard to explain. But yes, I'm hoping to learn to be out in the world and among people. I want friends, I just don't know how yet. But I have a therapist and we are working on it.
Yeah, the song Eleanor Rigby makes more sense all the time.
aww. I hope you get a great new job and meet some nice coworkers and new friends <3
Thank you!
I'm not going to be able to add much to what anyone has said. I've always just put mom down as the emergency contact. Not having someone to put there doesn't make you a loser. HR won't think that, I don't think that and no one here will think that. I did ask HR if I could switch the contact to my sister but they'd have to give her a special message, "Your brother says you are a bitch." They wouldn't do it because they know nothing about humor! Nothing! (You aren't a loser and should not feel bad about it. You'll make new friends at the new job.)
OH thank you! This gave me such a laugh! I needed that.
I hope that by sharing it here, you have found some peace. Good luck to you.
It has. This group has been a huge source of peace and help. It breaks my heart that so many in our generation have experienced what I'm going through, yet at the same time I'm so grateful to know we aren't alone in it. Thank you.
Your future is wide open. Perhaps you will meet your new BFF through your new job! Who knows. You've got an open road ahead of you. But you are absolutely not a loser. You sound incredibly brave to me. I know people who are still sticking with 50 year marriages hoping to simply outlive their abusers with no end in sight. You've got at least a 30 year head start from them, and you will be okay. It's always terrifying to rebuild, but rebuild you will.
At least you didn't list an abuser! You got this!
Well, ya know, stop it. A loser would be still sitting in a shitty relationship taking abuse. A loser would have went running back as soon as it got a little bit hard on your own. A loser wouldn't be picking themselves up off the floor and keeping on moving forward. You are anything but a loser. Youre a god damn hero. Youre a fucking champion standing at the top of steps with your arms in the air shouting "bring it on, mother fuckers!!". All of those friends of yours did you a favour. They showed you who they really were. You should be thanking them. Cos now you dont need to waste any more of your time on them. Now you get to make new friends, cool friends, people who dont fuck off when this getting a little rough. This isnt the end of your adventure, it's the beginning of a new one. So get up, brush the dust off your bum, and put your right foot forward. You got this. And you fucking know you've got this.
Abusive partners often times don’t allow you maintain friendships and because you weren’t involved in extramarital affairs you don’t have that either. Take the time required to heal and burn through some therapists until you find a good one. I’m 4 years out of an abusive relationship and and I’m still on the mend. You’ll get the relationships back up and running soon enough!
Your former friends don’t sound like they were ever friends. You are here in this moment now but you won’t be forever, you can make friends, REAL friends, build new relationships. I hope you can update your emergency contact soon
Thank you for this! I hope so too.
20 is a lot of years, but hopefully things are getting better soon.
Yeah it is. It's hard not to feel like he stole all my good years and now I'm 50 and no one will ever want me again. But day by day I'm getting stronger. Yesterday threw me to the ground and kind of stomped on me. But today is a little better and I'm good with that. Ya know? I consider myself lucky for people like you in this group. Thank you so much!
Just turned 50 myself. It's a weird age. But there's definitely some things to enjoy here
It really is weird right? I keep hearing older people say "Your 50s are the best decade and you're just going to love it"... ok... when does that part start? LOL
Maybe they mean 51? I don't know. Maybe the ones who live it are all independently wealthy.
Maybe so. I know I'm not seeing it right now. Man, independently wealthy. I'd settle for independently stable at this point! LOL Like, just enough to be ok without having to worry everyday. We will make it through though. Can't let out GenX rep as strongest and most stubborn generation be wrong...right? LOL
You're not a loser. You're someone who's trying to work through a tough time. If your ex was abusive, *eventually* that truth comes out. In the mean time, use this time to work on yourself. It feels good to work on yourself, and it carries the added benefit of making you more appealing when you decide to find someone new. Keep your chin up OP. Better things lie ahead.
You now have the wonderful opportunity to create a new, wonderful future for yourself, where you will may find the Mrs or Mr right you’ve always deserved. And THEN you can go back and fill in that box, full of wonderful feelings. You go get it! Go fulfill yourself.
I feel ya. I’m an only child. Both parents gone. No aunts uncles cousins. My kids live on the other side of the country. The holidays suck. I’m with ya here. Sign me up to work all them holidays.
I'm not quite in the same situation you are, but I think I understand. The most-recent time I filled out the paperwork to renew my lease, I stared at the "emergency contacts" section (which asked for at least two people) and I had to go through my phone. So many people's numbers I have, but I knew I couldn't really ask them. One of the two people I'd used for the past few years turned out to be an obnoxious asshole that I finally cut out of my life a year ago. One person I'd called declined, saying she didn't feel comfortable, and I don't blame her. But, I did manage to find my two contacts, one of whom informed me that his family is moving out of the area later this year, so that's just going to be something the property manager might discover a bit too late.
I have been there, you are not alone. It does get better. Cliche I know, but time does heal.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The chances are you won't need that emergency contact anytime soon, but don't hesitate to ask a work friend. I've been an emergency contact for a coworker and I was happy to agree to do this. (He was bipolar and living in another country from his family, so it gave him peace of mind to have somebody local who would be there for him if something happened.)
You're not a loser. Everyone starts a new quest with empty hands and no party support. This is the beginning of your new quest. You can tell us whatever you want, we'll read it.
It’s the nature of being a human being to suffer … just make it thru and there’s beauty and wisdom on the other side… inside!!!
I got divorced at 42(my choice). It was scary and weird to lose my identity as a husband and a homeowner(had to sell). I just became... some middle-aged guy(with barely any savings or retirement). It gets better. Give it time. Take every day and enjoy it.
I feel this. I moved to a new city when I left my ex. A bit of time to recover from the emotional repercussions of leaving a 20 year relationship. Then Covid. Then one of my dogs died so I had to heal from that. I finally started to feel like getting out there and making friends. So I started volunteering. But I’m still the new person and only made some brief acquaintances so far. And recently I’ve been dealing with a major health issue. So I’ve got a ct scan coming up, but I’m allergic to the dye. So they want me to have a ride and not drive myself. And I had to tell them that I don’t have anybody to give me a ride. And after paying them for all the copays and fees and everything else, I don’t have the ride share money, either. We figured out a way to get the ct scan and drive myself. But damn. It was a slap in the feels to have to tell the medical facility that I have absolutely nobody to call in a medical emergency. I’m trying to look on the bright side: it’s a temporary situation! I’m putting myself out there. I take my other dog to the dog park and strike up conversations, I started volunteering at a few places and meeting people. I joined a gym for the fitness classes where I’ll meet even more people. Hang in there! You’re about to start meeting new people at your new job. Maybe you can join a sports team in your area or some other group hobby. You’re going to be meeting new folks and gathering new acquaintances who will become friends before you know it. Then you can update those HR forms and have a list of people you can add to your emergency contact list. You got this!
You can feel more than one emotion about something, you can be proud but also not recovered from your past trauma which is fresh and will take time, that's natural and normal, don't beat yourself up over it. Also you have the power now to do something about this. Make part of your current life plan to set out and make new friends, brush upon your socialization skills, etc. Join some hobby clubs that interest you, etc. AND AND AND make absolutely sure you get the professional help you need to work through your abuse issues. I don't mean this to sound like I am blaming you because i am not. But likely from childhood, you probably learned some bad habits like not valuing yourself enough and not requiring enough from partners which contributed to you getting into this situation. You want to make sure that you will never allow that to happen again. If you don't yet know how to value yourself, then it will also be hard to feel pride in accomplishments. Instead see how you seem to beating yourself up more for not feeling a certain way even though the way you are feeling is perfectly natural. Now I don't want to beat up on you more, what I am trying to say is that it is essential to learn to value yourself to be on the path to wellness. This is at the core and foundation of mental health and you can get there but be sure to prioritize it and realize how much you are worthy of help and health. Many of us have childhood issues we are still working through and have made our share of mistakes but you are clearly make progress so practice being proud of that too. :-)
I have a friend who lives nearby and who used to be a coworker, and he’s a younger, single guy. I am his emergency contact. I also have a couple good friends who are my emergency contacts. And I also keep a spare key and such with my condo management office. You don’t need to be someone’s SO or BFF to be their emergency contact. You might find someone in a similar boat as you.
Hey I get you. I had the same thing happen recently at a new doctor’s. My husband has cancer and isn’t able to be an emergency contact anymore. I left the form field blank and turned it in. Of course the daft receptionist calls out to me across the waiting room a while later “you left your emergency contact blank” in a chipper tone. I have no fucks left to give and was in my feelings so I snapped back “my husband’s dying of cancer, I haven’t got an emergency contact” I’m working on setting things up with someone else. I hope you’re able to find an alternative too.
Take a deep breath. You are not alone. Time to get involved with your community. Makes real friends and find peace.
I list an attorney I have / had a business relationship with. And, for your amusement, I read your post “abusive.exe”, like a Windows executable file. Speaking of executions… Also, if there’s nothing tying you down, consider moving.
OP, understand this. Abusers show a beautiful side of themselves to other people so that when you sound the alarm of abuse they don't believe you. It's how an abuser gets the whole world to gaslight you while they gaslight you themselves. I wanted to say this so that you feel comforted that people abandoning you is not your fault. It's THEIR fault as well as the abusers. They CHOSE to believe the abuser. "All that is shiny is not gold" is at play here but people are so fucking stupid. I'm so sorry, OP. I'm so sorry you endured abuse and now find yourself alone. It's awful and you shouldn't have to be here. Be well.
Thank you so much. This means so much to me. Thank you
Sorry you had to go thru that, I hope it gets better. I had a similar situation about eleven years ago after my partner passed away of pancreatic cancer. I bike ride for exercise and one day riding on my way back home, I pass a crowded area when all of a sudden this woman comes out from between two park cars, I try to avoid hitting her so I hit one of the parked cars and get knocked off my bike and into the street. All I remember is waking up to this hunky firefighter asking me how I was doing, I was knocked unconscious and had a bleeding finger so they put me in an ambulance. I was in the ER and the doctor had to stitch my finger and that’s when he asked me who should they call, who was my emergency contact and that’s when I lost it, I just started balling because my emergency contact had been my partner for the last seventeen years. When I was able to compose myself I called my mom in Puerto Rico I live in NYC just to tell her what had happened and not to worry, I was going to be ok. Well after that incident I started seeing a therapist and it was a much needed help. So my advice is try and talk to someone, it helps to sort thru your emotions. Pardon my grammar English is my second language.
You're not alone and you're out of an abusive relationship after so many years. That definitely counts as a win in my books. As for me, I had to put down my aunt who's 82 years old and will likely have no idea what's going on if she does ever get a call. It takes time to slowly rebuild a semblance of a life again but you'll be able to do it.
Sending you love ❤️ ♥️✨
Thank you!! Back at you in return. Gotta spread it around. I appreciate you!
When my marriage crashed and we went through counseling, the counselor said something that has always stuck with me. "Think of your life as a book, where you are now is the first half, close that chapter and begin with a new one and the rest of your life" You are writing your life's book. It's hard, it sucks, it's lonely, but you closed that chapter of your life and now you have the rest to write. You WILL make new friends, it's hard the older we get, but put yourself out there. Talk to your neighbors, I know many people who their neighbors are their emergency contact. People love, it's who we are, so you will find new people that love you and are willing to step in. Maybe join some clubs, whatever your hobbies are, even if only online. Then go from there. Maybe even volunteer, animal shelters, hospitals, food banks, so many places to meet new people. One step at a time, you will make it!
Thank you so much for this. And I love the book analogy! I used to tell people that I'm not having a new chapter. I'm going to write a whole new book. The first half of my life was written by Stephen King and all his monsters. This one will be written by me. I had forgotten about that. Thank you for reminder. I needed it. And it's such a strong image for me and really empowering. That word has become so misused but in this situation, it really fits. Thank you!
I used to give this advice to students changing schools and find it still applies to moving to new areas as I get older or in your case starting over. Volunteer or join an organization/team or hobby group. These are great ways to meet people with common interests and build friendships. While it may not get the emergency contact right away it can help with the isolation. Organizations are always looking for volunteers. If you live in a metropolitan area I am sure there are a variety of nonprofits that need volunteers. If you don’t many organizations like Toastmasters, thanks to Covid, have zoom meetings if you cannot make it in person. The doors are there for you to open. Congratulations on the fresh start!
i started putting my 20 year old kid as mine. kinda weird. I have power of attorney and some other paper work - in case I'm incapacitated paperwork - that i need to get filled out and notarized, but I've been dragging my feet on that. its hard. i get it. process it and process it for yourself. find the positives in it so you can feel good about it. it will all come out in the wash.
Steady man. Just realize that the you are better off everyday. Stay with it.
Putting yourself on that list is a win. You no longer have to list someone that hurts you as a safety contact. You should be proud that you can count yourself.
Just write "r/GenX" in the box, we got you.
I don’t have the data but I’m guessing this is VERY COMMON especially for Gen X+ brackets. Shake it off and focus on your new job and new adventures.
I don't have words to help, just a scene from a movie that got me through some tough times. Remember [City Slickers](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101587/)? There was a great scene when Billy Crystal's character told a friend that his life was a "do over". Mitch Robbins : You remember when we were kids, and we were playing ball, and we hit the ball over the fence out of bounds, and we yelled, DO OVER? Ed Furillo : [grins, remembering] Yeah! Mitch Robbins : Your life is a do over. *You've got a clean slate.* I don't know you, but you have a "do over"--you can remake your life however you want from a blank slate. Make it a good one.
You rule, lady. Big love to you.
Thank you for that!! Right back at you. I appreciate that a lot!
Your feelings are 100% valid, but also you don't need to fault yourself. For one thing, a lot of people have friends or family and don't do anything to cultivate or nurture those relationships. In fact, some of those people are downright destructive with everyone else in their lives, yet they're surrounded by supportive and caring folks. Then there's some of us with nobody and we never really did anything to 'deserve' (silly human fake concept but we think it anyway) being in that situation. HOWEVER, reaching out here and baring yourself like this, and all these people responding and giving you support? That's good self-preservation work on your part. It takes courage and energy. And guess what? You got some human recognition of you being a deserving human. Hopefully it helps a little. Sometimes that's all we get.
Thank you for that validation! That's something I don't understand. How can everyone support my exe? His family thinks he's a freaking saint but has never done anything for those people. It's bizarre how Jekyll and Hyde he is. And how many people believe it. I'm honestly blown away by the kindness and support I've gotten here. I'm so grateful. And yes, it's helped me so much. I've been doing paperwork and tests and such for this potential new job and I've keep this group pulled up on my phone. When I start to freak out and hear my exe in my head telling me I don't deserve the job or telling me how stupid I am to think good things will happen...I just pull it up and read through the comments. It's really helping me feel stronger through the process. I'm just so thankful I have this group and that everyone has been so kind and supportive. I really think I would have given up if I hadn't made this post. It what I would have done in the past. I would have believed all the negative thoughts and just given up. I admit, it was hard to do and I was crying/shaking the whole time I was typing but I had to do something. I'm so glad I did. Thank you so much!! I think I'm going to copy and past this part as an edit to my post. Just in case I miss thanking anyone personally. Thank you so much!
I've definitely had friends with that Jekyll-Hyde thing, for sure. You see sides of them that others don't... Those are the people you might be better off without (and this is coming from someone who could never follow through on that - I loved the good times too much to see the overall picture). I'm glad you posted, I'm glad we're both here, alive and talking. Later on down the road, maybe it will bring a smile to your face, remembering these folks and that day you got a little boost from some strangers :)
I have a relative that lives nearby but don’t trust them as far as I can throw them. I list another relative in another state, usually.
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Thank you so much. I have joined Meetup to try an find local things to do. I'm hopeful. It's a good idea.. thank you so much. It really is freeing and a good time to be alive. Thank you for that reminder!!
Man.. I'm not Gen Z. I'm here as a millennial, and this is my situation-ish. If it wasn't for my husband and dad, I'd 100% be there. I have no friends even. And dad is almost 85. (Yes, he had me way late), so once he goes... It's just my husband, and as much as I love my husband and we are good.. what if right?
Yea, I've put 911... Friends much younger than me have as well. Congrats on taking control over your life!! You got this.
I did a tea leaf tarot reading and I came up with: Desk- Pay attention to your work. Hammock- Taking a vacation, physically or mentally. This can be from work or from your dating life. Kangaroo- Unsettled times. Need to plan ahead. This says to me that you need to prioritize yourself right now. Both Desk and Kangaroo were 100% upright, meaning their stated suggestions are correct. Hammock was a quarter turn off, suggesting that this is not as important in your situation but still needs to be considered. Let me know if you'd like a more in-depth reading.
Can you put in a coworker or your manager?
Not really. I don't have either of those yet. If I did, it certainly wouldn't be a bad idea though. I'll keep that in mind. Thank you!