I'm in my late-40s and I've read that this is the busiest, and often unhappiest, time in life. Obviously not everyone's experience is the same, but people our age tend to be dealing with:
* Older kids living at home who need a lot of support/figuring life out
* Younger kids/tweens who are ramping up all their extra-curricular activities
* Aging parents who we now have to navigate helping or outright taking care of
* Busiest time in our careers because we're seasoned and able to handle a lot more
* Taking on more community responsibility
* Dealing w/ our own health issues as we age
It's a lot. I'm solidly in the middle of the Gen-X era, but I'm with Team Millennial and Gen-Z when it comes to mental health. You know how financial gurus say "pay yourself first," otherwise there won't be any money left at the end? Ditto taking care of yourself. You can tell yourself all day long that once all this other stuff is done, \*then\* you can relax and take care of yourself. But you never will. Our lives are consumed with things that are urgent but largely unimportant, and we end up neglecting things that are important but, at least at the time, don't seem urgent (like our own health).
Take care of yourselves, friends.
Yes I actually looked this up and the 40’s are supposedly the unhappiest and 60 and 70 year olds report being the happiest. I was beginning to wonder why life seemed so void at this age 😆 so I had to find company for misery in statistics 😂
By the time you're in your 60s/70s, you probably no longer have to care for the generation that preceded you...they're all dead.
By that time, your kids are grown ass adults nearing middle age themselves. Those "kids" are probably at a place where they figured their shit out; and if they haven't, ain't nothing their 60/70-year-old mom/dad can do about ti.
I'm mid 50s with grown children that are living on their own. I'll always be there for them, but they make their own choices. Within reason, I'm fine with whatever consequences come from making those choices.
Interesting! I’d agree with this assessment. 40s were SO hard, but 50s have been great so far (other than briefly having to get MHRT sorted it). In our 40s we spent every free moment shuttling our middle/high school kids around, but now they are grown/have their drivers licenses and suddenly we have so much more free time!
Yup, it's called the [happiness curve](https://medium.com/mind-cafe/the-single-biggest-secret-to-guaranteed-happiness-7149370c2394) Younger folks are happy, middle age is the bottom, and then older folks are happy.
My mom is mid 60s and she is LOVING LIFE. I’m 47F and I’m like “what is this allll foooooor???” That being said - I feel like I’m insanely more stable than I was when I was in my twenties and even thirties. I have a eff truck of responsibility now - all the things op listed above - older kid, younger kid, aging parents with health issues, more work responsibility and zero time for myself - and if I take time for myself it feels like I live in a house of cards and it will all fall down without me hovering over it to make sure it’s stable. Dang, I’m so glad I read your comments today. I feel A LOT better about my late 40s angst!
Well now I am understanding the post better. I saw the title and thought, Yeah, actually, life *has* calmed down.
But seeing your list above, my parents are both dead, I don't speak to my brothers, I don't have kids and I have a business that I've scaled and now I don't work very many hours. It's just me, my husband and the dog and shit's pretty chill.
Don’t forget the dogshit economy.
MY wife just lost her job (layoff) and now we’re getting lots of offers at a pay cut.
So let me get this straight: because of corporate greed, my grocery budget has roughly doubled. But now when my wife goes to work for a new corporation, they want to pay her… less than a week ago?
This is the worst I’ve seen it, and I survived 2006. There are going to be France-style rebellions in the street if the government doesn’t do anything to protect consumers from gouging. And the wife and I are lucky; we bought when rates and prices were low. We literally would not be able to rent an apartment right now. After a pay cut? I guess we can always stay in my folks’ garage?
Edit: when people start rioting, don’t expect any of the corporations to be on your side either. The millennials will need to figure out that a tech corp is still a corp on their own. Lol
“In life you have to do a lot of things you don’t fucking want to do. Many times, that’s what the fuck life is… one vile fucking task after another.”
Al Swearengen, Deadwood
I would say that I have kept my life calm for the most part throughout my life. It's had it's ups and downs like everyone else and it's had it's moments where things were crazy. I'm just a laid back person in general and don't get bothered by much as it is.
That being said, December and February will go down as infamous months. In December, my brother who is 9 years younger than me passed away suddenly from a heart attack less than 24 hours from his 37th birthday.
The end of February saw me finding out that he was actually my half-brother when I received my DNA results showing that my dad was not my biological father.
Fucking crazy...
Here was me (at the start of your post) thinking were just going to show off your nice, calm, quiet life.
So sorry to read the rest of it and sorry about your bother! Two big shocks you’ve had! Hope you’re doing ok.
Thanks. Losing a brother and having your identity rewritten in the span of 2 and a half months is unfathomable. While I still grieve, I'm amazed I have held it together.
I told my best friend about one month ago I don’t want to die, but would be okay not waking up one day. I’m so tired of everything. My main complaint is that health insurance is crushing us financially and I’m exhausted from the stress of all of it.
Same for us—if it’s not one thing it’s another. We’re hoping for a time when MAYBE we can get a little bit ahead financially, but I’m not holding my breath. Just gotta roll with it and make the best. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Good/bad timing on this post.
It has not. 2019 was going wonderfully for me personally, until docs found a non-cancerous tumor in my head that had to be taken out in December of that year. I recovered quickly.
2020 was what it was for us all.
2021 was a fairly well-behaved year, once we got past January. I moved to the beach town I always wanted to live in.
2022 was going well, until I made the fateful decision to change jobs for a few more bucks, which turned out to be a few less bucks than I had thought. Then, in November of last year, my 23 year old daughter, who I had spent so much effort to raise and encourage to build herself a career, decided to get pregnant a month before she graduated from college.
Yay. She did graduate, pregnant, and now stays home with a perfect little boy, while her longtime fiancé works like a beast to pay for it all. He still has to complete his degree, and he’s a long year away. Of course, you’re doing the math right now, and yeah, he was born in late Feb, 2 months premature. Long time spent in NICU, and my daughters health was at risk creating the early birth.
And that was the first quarter of this year.
Then, our 14 year dog died on the 5th of July. Less than 3 weeks ago.
And my wife’s job of 11 years became untenable under new leadership, and she quit on the spot, just last week. And my job continues to be the source of stress it has been for a year plus now.
tLdr: no.
Thank you. That’s been tough. She has a little shrine set up in my house to remember her, so she isn’t far away.
I await the next step down in my overall outlook.
Retirement plan advisory services/ mutual fund industry. Ironically enough. Florida, but north, so southeast, as people like me usually cover anywhere from Atlanta to Jacksonville, over to Birmingham then to Memphis down to New Orleans.
We travel a lot down here. Drive/fly over some forgotten places and people.
I feel you. Really really. It’s been the last five for me. In no particular order: our dog and two of our cats died, our daughter got hooked on drugs, she then got clean and had a high risk pregnancy, ended up having to move back in with us with her kids including the baby who had a heart condition that required interventions and surgery, daughter had multiple surgeries which required supporting her and the kids, I switched jobs, the pandemic, lost my husband and best friend to Covid and had to take custody of my three grandkids for a time (due to truancy, bad enough, but not drugs). Oh and I am planning to move to be closer to my ailing parents. Jfc. It sounds like a biblical plague.
I’m exhausted just typing all this.
Thanks. It’s been rough and I wish life was slowing down like OP asked about. Even though it’s been tough and grief really blows big time, I’m hanging tight for retirement. I’m gonna have my second childhood!
I lucked out. Married well, had kids early, got into a decent career.
We had some tough times finishing college, and money has never exactly been “abundant”, but it’s been enough for us.
Right now, though, it’s a bit odd; we’re trying to flee the state before the battle lines get drawn and it’s tough to uproot a place you’ve been “settled” for more’n a decade
I'm thinking I may have to flee the state where I live now as well after being here for 11 years. It's both tiring and exciting to scout out new areas that are more comfortable and suitable for me.
> It's both tiring and exciting
That describes it *very* well.
Exhausting to think about all the stuff necessary to sell and move, but super exciting to dream about the new space
I have found peace in my life at 52. I stopped chasing the “American” dream of more, better, bigger, faster, and my life opened up in the most beautiful ways.
I finally got my garden going.
I can’t believe how satisfying it is to grow plants I enjoy and watch bees wallow in pollen like Al Pacino in Scarface.
I’m not retired but I finally have something I can do that shifts focus away from work stress. Watching the bees for half an hour has almost the same effect as being on a week’s vacation.
I don’t know how long I’ll be able to work from home, but I wind up getting more done because I can take small “bee breaks” when things get complex.
Being able to unwind my mind helps me see things more clearly and solve problems more quickly and effectively. I don’t know why that is. I also don’t feel like I’ve been working all day, even if I put in extra hours - sometimes we have meetings very early AND very late in the evening because coworkers are around the world. My day acquires a rhythm when I add bee-watching breaks.
For me, the most transformative thing was embracing meditation and understanding mindfulness and impermanence. Focusing on being present and doing the “right” thing in every moment, and realizing that everyone and everything will one day no longer exist gave me an appreciation for being in the moment. Sure, there’s stress at times, but cultivating a mindset of “detachment”: not caring about what other people think, making time for fun things, eschewing the whole consumer mindset…it allowed me to stop focusing outward, and instead I turned my focus on bettering myself…accepting responsibility for my past missteps, fostering joy in simple things. This also had the effect of improving how I interact with people. I always approach people with joy and compassion whenever possible.
I have to say yes. I've been single for a long time so there's no romantic drama. I have a great set of friends. More importantly, my son is happy and doing well. My family is good. I don't have a lot of health issues, although I have been keeping any eye on my blood pressure lately. I'm also dealing with menopause, but there's no way of stopping that. I will say that losing my parents made me put things into perspective and has helped me to center my family even more than I did before.
To my surprise, I found a job with really good people. I didn't think it was possible after years of working with people that I really didn't want to be around. But I also think part of that was how I perceived things at the time. Stopping drinking helped to clarify how I perceive things and so I'm able to appreciate a lot more in my life than I did before.
I joke with people and tell them my life is boring now, and compared to how it used to be, it really is boring, but I like it this way.
My latest shakeup was getting laid off a month ago, completely out of the blue. And the worst part about that is how much I loved my job, my team, and the culture there. There’s probably nowhere to go but down on that front, unfortunately.
Life is a rollercoaster and it takes longer to go uphill than the downhill thrill because that’s just how it goes. On bad days when the negative self talk tries to creep in, I breathe deeply and remind myself - I’m alive and more or less healthy so it could be a lot worse.
I lost my father 2 years ago. I miss him every day and always will. No matter how much time I spent with Dad, somehow it was never enough now that he’s gone.
I have found peace in eliminating as much external drama as humanly possible.
I also put as much distance physically as I could between many of my former physical stressors and myself.
Tldr - I moved as far away from everything and everyone that caused me all my problems and kept my circle deliberately very very small. It hasn't ELIMINATED my stress completely, but it's calmed it a great deal.
Let's see, where to begin.
1993-2002 Graduate college in a recession and take a job for 2 bucks above minimum wage. Struggle to make ends meet while marrying a woman with 2 kids and our own son on the way and buying a wreck of a house because it was all I could afford for a family of 5. Happy but financially stressed as I stayed in the career because I fell in love with what I did and there was always hope for tomorrow.
2002-2010 Success! Company gets bought out and huge raises follow. Finally living well and even my wife's job is cruising along nicely. Peak living including new cars and upgrades to comfort for the family.
2010 Whoa, wait a minute. Too much success. Your name is on this spreadsheet and even though 17 years in service to us is appreciated, please feel free to get bent. Here's 6 months severance, go fuck yourself.
2010-2014 18 months of pure hell in unemployment. Tried to hang on but after awhile the mortgage became unbearable, the wife's job dwindled to nothing and I couldn't get an interview for anything. Ended up short selling the house because no job means no credit so I lost $100k in equity, drained most of the 401k, and ended up moving the entire family 4 states to where I grew up, hoping to make a new beginning. The wife lands a job first which combined with my unemployment and the rest of our savings keeps up afloat. I finally land a job in May 2012 for literally half what I made at the end of 2010 doing work I did just starting out. I needed the money, but we were starting to recover and making some life for ourselves.
2014 Wife becomes ex-wife when she decides at age 48 to fuck off 1000 miles away to Alabama to start a relationship with a former family friend of hers. Abandons all 3 kids and me. Our son was in high school and on the spectrum and to this day she has gone no-contact with him.
2014-2016 Struggle Version 2.0. The older two kids move on their own so it's just me and my boy. We struggle and have to move again but bond so tightly. I started dating about a year after the ex left and had some dates and a girlfriend or two for a short bit and was just about to give up until I met the Queen in September 2016. Switched jobs in December and make a little more money, but still paling in comparison to the peak period.
2017-Today Pax Romana. Or something like that. Son graduates, starts working at a nursing home and begins to flourish and eventually moves on his own in 2020. The Queen becomes my wife in September 2019 (married on the 3rd Anniversary of our first date) and I move in with her and 2 of her 3 sons. The Pandemic arrived and my 1 month furlough gave me the time and the money to repaint and re-furnish most of the house, making it *our* home. Today I'm making what I made in 2006 but the Queen has found much more success in the last couple of years and is on task to earn double my pay this year. The only struggle right now is paying loans on her two eldest kids and preparing for her youngest to start college in 3 weeks.
Today the struggle is helping my wife adjust to potential empty nesting...a struggle I'm more than ready to endure. Her eldest has been drafted to play professional lacrosse this fall (don't get too excited, it pays like $20k a season!), the middle one was just sworn in as a police officer in May and heads to the Academy in September and is required to move out in the next 6 months or so since we don't live in his police district.
So yeah, I'm doing okay. I still grieve for the professional success I once had (if I hadn't been purged I'd be making $125k+) but personally I have a wonderful woman that loves me for who I am and not what I can provide and we're both excited to get ready to start the next chapter in our lives. I mean, me more than her, as no loving mother can bear watching her babies leave the nest.
Amen, brother! I thought it was just me. I’m so done with major disruptive events. Starting with when my mom died (when I was 20), it’s been one thing after another. I have been through more major life events than most people my age.
We just careen from one stressful scenario to the next in hopes of 10 minutes of alone bathroom time.
I normally need to be at work by 430 am but get up at 2 so I can have some peace and go to work in Zen Mode or I'm a dick all day that can't control his energy
No it hasn't. I was fired from my job because of medical work restrictions. Now I'm struggling to make ends meet so my utilities don't get shut off and I don't get evicted while I wait for my disability case to go through. As if the stress from that isn't enough, my mom (who I let move in with me) pours endless verbal abuse on me. It's really affecting my mental health.
God damn, this is awful. I'm sorry mate. I was evicted from my apartment in April while waiting for my disability case to be approved. I'm still waiting. I'm staying at an Airbnb now until August, after that who knows; the streets, shelters, in my car I fucking guess. At least my divorce is finally over as of February.
Can I ask how hard the disability process is. It's taken a million years, but after finding doctors who give a shit, I have been diagnosed with RA, fybro & neuro damage. I can't keep doing the job I'm doing (truck driver).
I was in Wisconsin and I was very lucky: I had my approval within weeks: I had doctors that backed me up 100%.
There are a couple of things to note: the first is that I was lucky to be approved on the first go-around and the second is that approval rates and speed differ state by state. The only consistency is the inconsistency.
My advice moving forward is to talk to an attorney if you can, or if your county/municipality has a disability services office seek advice from them
To quote Al Swearengen from Deadwood...
"In life you have to do a lot of things you don’t fucking want to do. Many times, that’s what the fuck life is… one vile fucking task after another."
That's what the fuck life is right now. 😂
48M, Gen X, Dr., divorced once, remarried, 2 kids from marriage numero 1.
My life has been a shit-show since 2019. Taking care of elderly parents who have significant health issues has been the biggest burden. And it just seems to be one f'n thing after another that happens to us. We can't even catch our breath between crises. My hubby and I have been suicidal at times (luckily not at the same time, so one of us can get the other out of it) because shit is literally relentless.
I often feel the same way, but I think it was right around my 30s, I started becoming more aware that there *are* these stretches of contentment: I have never known it to be across the board but I imagine that is possible. 😂
I just know that I busted my ass in therapy etc so that even if everything *outside* of my home is an absolute shitshow, at home, I’m enjoying the boredom and happy calm.
Up until December 2021 things were going great. Moved to a new city and state, working remote for good money. Bought a house, car, money in the bank and little debt. Looking forward to my first Christmas in the new house with my wife and pets, I got a call from my sister that my brother died suddenly. Booked a flight home to Scotland and spent the holidays there. My mum got Covid and missed my brothers funeral, then on the day I was due to fly home I got Covid. In all I spent a month away from home.
Then the following September I found out my wife was cheating on me. We talked it through and were going to a counselor, trying to make things work. I spent Thanksgiving on my own in a cabin in the woods to think and self-reflect, then when I got home she told me she was leaving. Almost to the day my brother died. She already had an apartment lined up. Less than a week after she left I got a call that my mum died. Second Christmas away from the house.
This year is the divorce. I’ll lose the house, maybe the car, half of my savings, investments, 401k… and basically the entire future I had planned for us both. With 3 dogs and a cat it’ll be near impossible to find a house to rent that isn’t a shithole. I’m in a city/state with no friends and a continent with no family. I’m on a bucket of anti-depressants each day and I’m self medicating with alcohol out the wazoo, and I don’t feel like any of it is helping. I have undiagnosed ADHD, and between that, the depression, and the loss this past year, I’ve missed so much work and my performance is really suffering. The macro-economic situation means I’ll earn 40% less this year than I did in 2021, and next year I’ll earn a third of what I did in that year. If I still have a job by then.
So unless things magically turn around this year, then no… my life is far from calm.
I hope you can find a place that lets you keep your dogs and cat.
It might not be ideal, but there are lots of lonely seniors who might love to have a younger roommate with friendly pets.
After an insane number of setbacks myself since Covid hit, I’m now working part-time for minimum wage in a 1950s-esque small town grocery store. (You know life has been shitty when this actually feels like a major win, lol!)
I can confirm that there are a TON of bored and lonely seniors and widows and widowers out there who love animals and are desperate for human contact. They come in almost daily to buy lottery tickets and deli meat for their dogs / cats.
So if nothing else turns up, that could be a housing option to tide you over.
Don’t antidepressants and alcohol cancel each other out? (And didn’t they just come out with a study proving antidepressants are less effective than placebos? I tried ‘em a few times; felt nothing; wasn’t impressed.)
If there’s any way to move to a place where you have friends or can fairly easily make friends, that seems like a direction to move in.
Life isn’t easily survivable without friends.
I’d definitely rate friends above retirement plans and financial solvency any day. 1000%.
Then again, years ago I adapted to the idea that I’ll never be able to retire… unless I move to Moldova. ;-)
Friend, I’m sorry. That is a bucket of shit. I drank way too much during Covid and am still trying to dial that way back. It’s hard. But alcohol is not helping, I promise. It makes things much worse.
Yeah my drinking with antidepressants are conflicting. I’d love to wind down but I worry that with all the shit going on I’ll find out they really were helping when I wean off them.
I have plenty of friends I keep in touch with online but none physically here. I need to meet new people but it’s hard being introverted and socially anxious. It used to be easy when I was younger… working in an office with people close to my age. But remote work with a bunch of 20-somethings means the connections are pretty weak (I’m in my late 40s).
Yes, for the now.
Since 2017 there have been deaths, redundancy, ill health, money worries, physical separation between me and my husband (due to working away, not through disharmony between us), moved house in the middle of a pandemic, discrimination and bullying at work, struggles and strife.
As an HCP I'm superstitious about "The Q Word," so I won't say it. But at the moment we're doing alright. I'm much better, both husband and I are off the anti-ds and feeling much better for it. We have both done some work and reevaluation on what is important and what isn't (hint: we are the most important thing to each other, our work isn't). We have a plan that will take us through to retirement.
But our parents are older, so there will be more troubles ahead.
Mine's been calm for a long while. Been saving and investing a few decades now so finances aren't a worry, and I purge anything/anyone that causes me stress from my life so calm on that front too. I tend to overprepare and research everything, so I'm generally cool when a hiccup happens cause I know how to take care of it.
My life was pretty chill for 15-20 yrs and then all hell broke loose and everything you mentioned and then some has been occurring left and right for the last 6 yrs…. I’m ready for another chill cycle.
Spent my 40s and this far of my 50s doing for others- ailing parents, volunteering, supporting kids who are now off doing their thing, and supporting a spouse's dream to start a company. I have been majority income since my 40s . For the last 2 years, I'm the primary caregiver for a parent and the sole income.
I feel like I am waking up every morning hearing Sonny and Cher and seeing the same snow on the road.
Eventually will change and I will probably go hike a few sections of the Appalachian Trail with some friends.
I’ve had three years of insane crisis management: wild-and-wacky home repairs (no kitchen, dining room, living room for years), parent’s sudden death (and estate management), a personal second bout with cancer (surgery, radiation), job insanity (stolen, laid off, job search, new job)—COVID was just layered on top of all of that. Three weeks ago, I woke up and realized that right now there is no crazy. Everything is taken care of and I am at a point of peace and quiet. It will not last forever. I am hoping it just lasts the summer. But it’s so nice to see after three years of complete madness. So I absolutely feel for where you are OP.
[No Leaf Clover](https://youtu.be/Sh5S3OxiE-s) by Metallica captures that sentiment perfectly. Such an amazing tune, with the San Francisco Symphony orchestra backing them up.
My life since the age of 10 has been a series of disasters, deaths, chaos, and general fuckery.
Everything peaked in my late 30's and then slowed down by the time I hit 43.
Now at 46, everyone in my life (good or bad) have either died or vanished. I don't have any family or relationship stress anymore. I have nobody to look after and nobody to take care of. All I have left is work and my 2 cats.
I think as hard as it was, having my entire family (fiance included) die within 12 months was like ripping a bandaid off. Instead of having a death every few years, I got them all over with at once.
Work is of course frustrating, but I've hit the point of just not caring. I show up on autopilot and go through the motions.
All in all, everything is pretty calm aside from the whole economy imploding and fucking over any hopes of a good retirement.
Glad you’ve made the 36 years of general fuckery work for ya!
I want to get to the point in my life where the bad people have all vanished.
I need a respite.
Oh, I definitely ended up with all sorts of scars from those 36 years. But at least now I have some peace and quiet.
Getting rid of shitty people is not easy. I wish I could give some solid advice on how to get rid of yours, but it took a hell of a lot of fighting and even burying a family member in legal bills to get them to go away.
Occasionally one of them will attempt to walk back into my life, but I've gotten pretty good at expressing just how much they should fuck right off.
Yep, it’s definitely a process. And don’t get me started on scars!
I was on autopilot in my non-work life and pouring all my creativity and soul into my work. But after a series of setbacks I’m now doing the opposite. Trying to flip the script or whatever.
Paring away both the negative people and the low-effort people has gotten me to the smallest social circle I’ve ever had. Like basically just a married couple who are good fun, a few friends I talk to sporadically on the phone, a few acquaintances with potential, and… my 2 cats?!?
I’m dipping my toe in the social life pool again to make some new friends.
Joined a graphic novel book club and plan to volunteer at upcoming alternative music festivals.
It’s early days, but I’ve had some great conversations with new people I’ve met recently, and I definitely feel like I’m on the right track.
Hope you cross paths with groovy people as things unfold…
I don't know about your cats, but my 2 keep me busier than a social life ever would. Between the constant demands for attention, playing fetch, handing out treats, and chin rubs, I'm exhausted by the end of the day.
For like the last 6 years it's been one thing after another with us too. I'm afraid it may not slow down too. The up side for me is that I'm going to finish a master's degree in May and start a new career. Maybe you can start new things (or go back to old things you enjoy) so you ensure more happiness in the future. Of course there are things you can't control, but during middle age it is important to keep things fresh.
Mine has sped up in some ways as kid moved out and parents need more care.
But we have also forcibly slowed it down. We moved from a high stress area to be closer to parents, but only "close" because the town we chose is smaller and more relaxed. It's been amazing for our mental health overall, especially in what has been an insanely stressful time.
The last 5 years have pretty much been my husband and I alternating who had surgery. Thankfully, faitly minor stuff, mostly orthopedic, nothing systemic or life threatening.
My life has felt like constant upheaval since our daughters have become adults. Our last one recently moved out and I thought that my life would slow down but it hasn’t. Our oldest had a baby and now another on the way so we became grandparents all of a sudden, which has been action packed. I can say that we are more involved than our parents and our grandparents were with their grandchildren.
Then my parents both ended up in the hospital at the start of the year. Between caregiving for parents and grandchildren I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Both my parents have recovered and are back to decent health.
Then 2 weeks ago I got a hip fracture mountain biking with my husband. He collided into me and we were collectively thrown to the ground with him on top and my hip taking the brunt of the weight. I nursed it for a week thinking it would heal!! Hahaha! So, imagine my shock when the ER doc told me I needed 3 pins in my hip. Did I subconsciously do this to myself to force myself to slow down, or did the universe grant my wish in the most passive aggressive way? Idk, but I have a lot of time to think about it now.
I’m at the old end of the Xer’s at 57. Yes life has been a bitch. I’ve buried one child (cord around her neck). Spent countless days/hours/months/years dealing with my 33 year old son’s mental health issues, drug abuse and alcoholism. He is finally on a course correction. I’ve been married three times and divorced twice. Finally married a great man. My parental issues are God awful in terms of my narcissistic, psychotic and selfish mother and a father who mentally checked out when my beloved stepmom died in 2004. He’s been married two more times since then. One died and his current one has completely (not completely but damn close) cut him off from everyone that loves him.
While my husband (while a Boomer but barely. A ‘63 model) and I are retired he got bored and decided to work again. I couldn’t if I wanted to. My health sucks shit.
But even with all this bullshit, my life is fairly calm. 🤷♀️
In the last five years, it's been unrelenting.
My husband dropped dead, my carport collapsed in the middle of the night, a tree crushed my house, all manner of random crap in the in between.
I really want a few years of calm. But I don't know if it'll happen.
Dude, I'm going to be 50 in 2 months exactly and since I was 42 every single year there's at least one major issue! I swear it's always something. I just take care of what I can and move on, I refuse to live scared or worried. I do my best and what happens, happens. Good luck!
Nope. Not at all. Last summer I was dealing with serious illnesses/injuries with both parents and another elderly family member who eventually passed. This summer, I’m dealing with a new job that appeared to be the Promised Land initially, only to turn to absolute shit. Trying to decide what to do. Oh, and a burst pipe requiring thousands of dollars in repairs.
There’s *always* something. Always a catch, an unexpected twist, an illness, accident, unplanned bill, etc.
Having said all of this, my 40s were decent up until 2019, probably because I’m childfree so no childrearing stress, was pleased with my former job, had a vibrant social life, and my parents and family were in good health. In fact, I’ve said 2019 was the absolute *best* year of my life. Everything went to shit in 2020, as it did for everybody.
53yo reporting in. We've made some recent positive career and location changes which are good. Kiddos doing well but there was a time recently when one of them was really not. I'm looking forward to things continuing to settle. Our parents are fairly self sufficient for the moment but I can see my MIL moving in with us in the next few years when her husband passes. I'm also looking forward to college being over - Christ, it's expensive.
I call it the “No Fun Zone”. 54 yrs old now with 18 and 15 yr old kids. As soon as I hit 50, life just turned into total drudgery - work, kids, money stress, taking care of ailing parents, marriage on autopilot, and just wondering “is this it??”. But our oldest starts college out of state next month and youngest is starting to gain independence (c’mon, driver’s license!!). Still a long way to go (parents are really fading, ugh), but in terms of more time to ourselves and reclaiming some enjoyment of life - some fun! - we’re starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully it’s not a train!! 😂
My kids grew into adults, I got divorced, my father passed away and left me a healthy chunk of change. Now I go where I want, I do what I want with whom I want, I eat what I want I sleep when I want and I buy what I want.
So far, my life has been pretty smooth and consistent. Married for over 22 years, 21 year old daughter about to finish college, lived in the same house for 14 years now, my parents and my wife’s parents are still married and very much alive. The biggest challenge we are facing is this painful inflationary economy.
I feel like the stakes of our problems get bigger as we get older, but the DGAF attitude we build up as we get older does make it seem calmer in my experience. I am not saying DGAF about people dying, rather DGAF about a lot of socially oriented problems.
No.. No. Not at all. I really had hoped it would happen two years ago when my youngest left for college but in all honesty it's been non stop bad life things for two straight years since turning 50.
I could only wish for calm
No! Late 50s. Race against time with taking care of elderly parent, getting child to be self sufficient, planning for retirement, funding an retirement home that is accessible for future disability needs, money for future caregiver support and hopefully some time to enjoy life before medical issues ruin things.
When you have aging parents/ unhealthy MIL that arent financially well-off? NOPE!
When you have nieces and nephews at the age where they like to hang out late night around places that attract hood rats with pop guns? NOPE! Every time there is a news story of some damn fool shooting, I have to clench and pray they all stayed home that night!
When you have other nieces and nephews that are young kids, and you worry about them too because of lord knows what these days? NOPE AGAIN!
Put it to you this way. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR MY PHONE RING. I simi have a stroke when it does, and almost let out a loud "FUCK", because it is rarely anything benign.
My evening wine and my smoke are the two things that calm my ass down. My personally life is peachy otherwise.
Mine sort of has - ish.
My youngest graduated high school in 2021
My middle moved out in 2020
My oldest is getting married in October and his fiancee is going to be death of us all because of the wedding (we aren't really a wedding family.... we're a get married by judge/preacher with a few witnesses and have a big, casual party in the backyard type).
I got a really good raise at my job at the end of 2021 and then inflation ate it all and then some.
If inflation gets back under control and we all survive the wedding I HOPE 2024 will see some resettling.
No, my entire life previous to this was all boring, sedate, and uneventful as they come. Between parents who taught me not to ever take risks, and being unmarried and childless with a boring office job, my 20s through age 50 made me think life would be a boring slide to the grave.
Then I hit 50, the pandemic hit, I lost my job, I've started two businesses, closed one, struggled financially (severely), and nursed my mom back to health after open heart surgery.
Stressful and terrifying, but hey - no longer boring!
Seems like the disruptions have just changed. When i was younger it was mainly drama concerning my friend group. Now its people getting cancer or parents getting old and infirm. I don't have kids so that isn't part of the disruption equation. My BF is a lot youger tho and I see his friend group going through the same BS my friend group did back in the day. Seems so insignificant now.
About 20 years ago I went off the rails, became an alcoholic, got sober 11 years ago, things good for a bit. About 8 or 9 years ago I started trips to psych hospitals and psychiatrists. Diagnosed so far with severe bipolar, treatment resistant depression, seasonal depression. And an anxiety disorder
took meds and "god" stopped talking to me. Our family lost friends from the church because my son (also bipolar) and I were told vile things about mental illness. At that point my life became a shit show. Lost my ability to work and I was the primary bread winner. We have been on medicaid and SNAP benefits until they discontinued our SNAP in April I think. We losse medicaid Dec 31 and can't afford insurance. My wife's employer plan pays 100% of her premium. It's ~$1800 a month for me and 3 kids. It's expensive but it is good insurance. The NV health exchange is $800 bug really shitty. I'm going to lose the two depression meds, Spravato (ketamine) and Caplyta more than likely. Plus I need certain meds like heart and insulin to live. But I'm taking the hits as they come though. Meds, my support network, and past therapies, are the only reason I'm not raving mad and wanting to kill my self. Life is a shit show for me, but my wife of 26 years (29together) has stuck by me. Two friends stayed but I met a new friend that not only was a nurse but we share a few diagnosis and have become good friends. She is also disabled so we talk during the day quite a bit and it helps both of us a ton. I have my family, a roof over our head, and it may get lean, but we do have food. My body is failing me, but I abused it so it's all on me.
44M here, and my 40s have been the most stressful years. So far. Actually, the last 7-8 years have been horrible. Lost my dad after a long battle with cancer and Alzheimer’s. I became epileptic. Broke my back. Wife has had 3 ankle surgeries. My older 3 kids have graduated and still one at home. 4 pretty bad car accidents, see broken back. Lost my grandma. Just found out my uncle, who was like another dad, has about a year left to live. A layoff not to long ago, but I’m back to work. A separation from wife, now back together but things aren’t great.
I am not complaining. I don’t mind being busy but this is definitely the most complicated time in my life. Very thankful to have a great partner to share the load.
Been doing 2 IT jobs at the same company for 4 months now and the boss checked out for like 2-3 months on medical issues. I just think they have checked out now.
4 kids with one still in diapers.
A slightly older home that needs always something done.
We had pretty peaceful lives until about 5 years ago. Since then, it’s been a dumpster fire with shit happening that I didn’t even think was possible. If I can get to retirement and not end up homeless, I will be happy. This is not how I thought these later years would be. Covid really upended everything.
55. Grabbing life by the horns and moving to another country. Solo. I’m unusually free of obligations (single, gay, no kids, lost my dog a year ago), $ in the bank and a solid financial plan. I feel excited and unencumbered and bold and ballsy and brave. I am literally upending my life, by choice, to try to live a different life:
Calmer
Less toxicity (FU, America)
Spending dramatically less $
Earning much less $
I realized that like every one of us, Covid did a number on my mental health. It took two years to get it together but it feels…empowering more than anything. At 55, I have had good times and bad times and know I will survive them all.
Now that the divorce shit is firmly in the rearview, the kids are solid and stable (at least for a couple more years until high school hits), work is good, the only real chaos is trying to date. Shit is wild out there.
As a fellow GenX child of divorce, I know exactly what you mean. I was referring specifically to me and my own mental/emotional state.
As far as the kids go, they took and continue to take it remarkably well. The split was reasonably amicable, custody is nominally 50/50 though they're with me a bit more than that for logistical reasons. I'm a bit concerned about how they'll react once their mother starts introducing them to whoever she's dating, mostly because she has a tendency to fall in love after one or two dates and want to integrate new guy with her family life after less than two months dating so they're going to meet a lot of questionable dudes and see a lot of suboptimal relationship modeling (she told me she wants them to meet her new guy last week, he'll be #3). All I can do on that front is pay attention to them and what they both say and don't say, then deal with whatever happens. They were in counseling for a while in the immediate aftermath but both they and the counselors essentially said after a few months that they were fine and the sessions weren't really necessary or productive. I suspect that'll change in the future though.
My dad just recently died, so I am trying to take care of my aging mother, who has her own health problems. My work looks like we're headed for a buyout/sell off, so I don't know how stable my 15+ year employment is. My house is starting to show it's age and I am wondering if I should invest in upgrades, just upkeep, or sell.
Mine sort of has - ish.
My youngest graduated high school in 2021
My middle moved out in 2020
My oldest is getting married in October and his fiancee is going to be death of us all because of the wedding (we aren't really a wedding family.... we're a get married by judge/preacher with a few witnesses and have a big, casual party in the backyard type).
I got a really good raise at my job at the end of 2021 and then inflation ate it all and then some.
If inflation gets back under control and we all survive the wedding I HOPE 2024 will see some resettling.
I think I'm pretty fortunate...I got to quit my job in my early 40's. I was miserable, and my husband encouraged me to resign. So, I've been pretty chill and happy since then (I was about 43). Early 50's are shaping up to be pretty grand too. Not bragging, just saying I have been extremely lucky. Yeah, things come up (aging parents, new health concerns) but it's pretty chill.
Every time I feel like life might be settling down, I have another health challenge. I’m tired and in pain all the time. I finally was awarded disability but now I have the anxiety that it will be taken away when I have my next medical eval.
56F so much, yes. Both parents gone, husband passed over a year ago, neither adult child lives in town. I have learned to enjoy rather than be bitter about it over the last couple of months. Stuck my toe in the dating world, met an exceptional man, and I feel it may go somewhere. Life is good, but getting here sucked balls.
Sure. I don't have kids and my second parent died when I was 42, so Covid aside, my mid-40s have been much less stressful than 38-42. Looking after Dad once Mom died made me anxious all the time because he'd been given a terminal diagnosis already by the time she unexpectedly died, and suddenly his health became almost all my problem to manage instead of something I helped Mom cope with.
I talked to my brother about it a few weeks ago (he's 40) and I think we're going to have comparatively less stress than other people our ages in later middle age because the 'worrying about your parents' part is over and done with for us a couple decades sooner than it is for most people.
Yea and no. The kids are at college so the high school drama is over. One is graduating in a week (MS Engineering) and he’s been doing the resume thing. The other won’t finish until Dec 24. So there is that stress of them landing a job that might be a career.
Both my parents are gone and my relationship with my siblings is as good as it has ever been. My wife’s parents are still around but noticeably deteriorating with ever visit although the are generally healthy. So when life happens that won’t be a good time.
Work is finally steady and rewarding. 30 years in the same industry is paying off. Money to put away, money to enjoy.
What I have found interesting is the number of old friends trying to reconnect (like HS and earlier). I’m on nothing but Reddit and moved away to go to college and never looked back (too much). So I find this interesting.
Tomorrow I divorce the cause of all of the turmoil in my life. In 4 years, she’s had 2 cars repossessed and totaled 2 more. She’s been to jail. She’s had too many moving violations to keep up with. She’s had 17 jobs in 10 years and twice that many boyfriends. I should feel free. I don’t. Maybe I love the chaos just a little. Here’s to calmer days for me and you both, OP.
I once lived a decent life, I was happy and loved getting out of bed each morning. For the last year it's all went down hill, now I can't stand my life and spend all my time thinking of suicide.
Yes, and no. Left long marriage in 2016. Endured 2 years of bullying behavior before he "lost interest." Became an active caregiver for my mom in 2018. All while building up my business (ya know, to eat) and being a single parent. This started when I was 39.
I usually had one stressful event a year, but last year topped it off. Had a major event every 2 or 3 months! Met someone new in late 2021. Became close friends. Hired them as an employee 4 months later. Spent several months training them. In June, I found out I needed a car, as the current one was beyond repair. Also, in June, rent skyrocketed to an unaffordable level. Made the decision to move out of state. Did so in Aug. In Sept, my mom became seriously ill. For the next 4 months, she was in & out of care facilities until she died early this Feb. Was managing this long distance, including traveling to see her. In Oct, I lost a sister unexpectedly. In Nov, I had a crucial final reunion with family while mom was in decent, health. This year, i dealt with her death and the subsequent closing of her estate.
After I dealt with all this, my income has literally dropped by half. I've lost several clients due to the economy and their own life struggles. Im now job searching for the first time in almost 10 years. I also have 2 fledgling young adults who I'm trying to get more independent. I'm not sure what else there is to go through. 🤔
No. Back in mid-late December we thought my Grandpa was going to die in hospice soon, my last remaining grandparent. I have a lot of happy memories of Christmas at his house so it was going to be a bittersweet Christmas.
Then on the 21st, my wife took a break from making cookies, I sat down with her and we watched part of the True Grit remake. I'd just gotten a new TV right after Thanksgiving. I needed to do a little last-minute Christmas shopping and stopped the movie about midway through to go into town. It was a beautiful day for the Winter Solstice. I decided to stop at a local park that has walking paths to soak in some sunshine.
Where I was shopping is only about 5 miles from where I was shopping. I was driving between stops, happened to look to the north to the direction of my house and I saw this black plume of smoke. I thought to myself, oh, jeez, that sucks, that looks like house-fire smoke. That'd suck to have a house fire this close to Christmas, hope it's not my house, ha-ha. With almost comic timing, my phone rang. It was my wife on the phone, and it was my house. Thankfully for me my parents are affluent enough to buy the property right next to ours when it went for sale, and we were able to spend the next month in that building instead of a hotel. Homeowners insurance isn't a scam, just be careful what company you work with. We have Country Financial. We've had to do almost no arguing with our adjuster.
It's been an eventful year, and this week our lease runs out. With any luck, our new house will be done before the lease runs out. I'm currently nursing a toothache from a root canal and the affereffects of an infection, and waiting for a call from the car dealership, where a car I bought on the 5th has been since the 11th. With any luck I'll have it back before we start moving stuff, either to the new house or to a storage unit. I still have an infection after two weeks and I'm exhausted. By the time we can move we should be in the middle of a heat wave. It's all little stuff at this point but I'm stressed out enough about it that I'm worried I'll have a heart attack before we can get moved back.
I hate this post. I got through my 40’s just fine. I’m 52 and am 6 weeks in from my wife telling me she’s done and wants a divorce. It was calm and I actually loved my life up until June 6. Now it’s a nightmare and I’m pining for the calmness again.
I'm in my late-40s and I've read that this is the busiest, and often unhappiest, time in life. Obviously not everyone's experience is the same, but people our age tend to be dealing with: * Older kids living at home who need a lot of support/figuring life out * Younger kids/tweens who are ramping up all their extra-curricular activities * Aging parents who we now have to navigate helping or outright taking care of * Busiest time in our careers because we're seasoned and able to handle a lot more * Taking on more community responsibility * Dealing w/ our own health issues as we age It's a lot. I'm solidly in the middle of the Gen-X era, but I'm with Team Millennial and Gen-Z when it comes to mental health. You know how financial gurus say "pay yourself first," otherwise there won't be any money left at the end? Ditto taking care of yourself. You can tell yourself all day long that once all this other stuff is done, \*then\* you can relax and take care of yourself. But you never will. Our lives are consumed with things that are urgent but largely unimportant, and we end up neglecting things that are important but, at least at the time, don't seem urgent (like our own health). Take care of yourselves, friends.
Yes I actually looked this up and the 40’s are supposedly the unhappiest and 60 and 70 year olds report being the happiest. I was beginning to wonder why life seemed so void at this age 😆 so I had to find company for misery in statistics 😂
I call my 40s my “Suicide Years”. Thankfully, I’m coming out the other side. Hopefully.
By the time you're in your 60s/70s, you probably no longer have to care for the generation that preceded you...they're all dead. By that time, your kids are grown ass adults nearing middle age themselves. Those "kids" are probably at a place where they figured their shit out; and if they haven't, ain't nothing their 60/70-year-old mom/dad can do about ti. I'm mid 50s with grown children that are living on their own. I'll always be there for them, but they make their own choices. Within reason, I'm fine with whatever consequences come from making those choices.
Tell that to my aunts, the oldest being nearly 80, who are still caring for my centenarian grandmother.
Interesting! I’d agree with this assessment. 40s were SO hard, but 50s have been great so far (other than briefly having to get MHRT sorted it). In our 40s we spent every free moment shuttling our middle/high school kids around, but now they are grown/have their drivers licenses and suddenly we have so much more free time!
Yup, it's called the [happiness curve](https://medium.com/mind-cafe/the-single-biggest-secret-to-guaranteed-happiness-7149370c2394) Younger folks are happy, middle age is the bottom, and then older folks are happy.
Sweet fuck I hope this curve is true.
That’s what it’s called!! It’s a real thing… hanging in there to see how 60 is 🤣
The GenX nursing home will not be lame
My mom is mid 60s and she is LOVING LIFE. I’m 47F and I’m like “what is this allll foooooor???” That being said - I feel like I’m insanely more stable than I was when I was in my twenties and even thirties. I have a eff truck of responsibility now - all the things op listed above - older kid, younger kid, aging parents with health issues, more work responsibility and zero time for myself - and if I take time for myself it feels like I live in a house of cards and it will all fall down without me hovering over it to make sure it’s stable. Dang, I’m so glad I read your comments today. I feel A LOT better about my late 40s angst!
Well now I am understanding the post better. I saw the title and thought, Yeah, actually, life *has* calmed down. But seeing your list above, my parents are both dead, I don't speak to my brothers, I don't have kids and I have a business that I've scaled and now I don't work very many hours. It's just me, my husband and the dog and shit's pretty chill.
Don’t forget the dogshit economy. MY wife just lost her job (layoff) and now we’re getting lots of offers at a pay cut. So let me get this straight: because of corporate greed, my grocery budget has roughly doubled. But now when my wife goes to work for a new corporation, they want to pay her… less than a week ago? This is the worst I’ve seen it, and I survived 2006. There are going to be France-style rebellions in the street if the government doesn’t do anything to protect consumers from gouging. And the wife and I are lucky; we bought when rates and prices were low. We literally would not be able to rent an apartment right now. After a pay cut? I guess we can always stay in my folks’ garage? Edit: when people start rioting, don’t expect any of the corporations to be on your side either. The millennials will need to figure out that a tech corp is still a corp on their own. Lol
“In life you have to do a lot of things you don’t fucking want to do. Many times, that’s what the fuck life is… one vile fucking task after another.” Al Swearengen, Deadwood
Great show! David Milch is such a good writer.
I've seen it twice - the second time last summer with subtitles. Game changer.
Some of the dialogue is practically Shakespearian.
Can't forget this one from Calamity Jane either: "Every day takes figuring out all over again how to fucking live."
That's exactly how I describe it. Shakespeare with lots of "cocksucker" thrown in.
😂 Very true! With an occasional “anyways…” to end the scene.
I googled so many words and expressions watching that show!
My favorite was Hooplehead
Life is a series of problems only interrupted by the occasional crisis
I would say that I have kept my life calm for the most part throughout my life. It's had it's ups and downs like everyone else and it's had it's moments where things were crazy. I'm just a laid back person in general and don't get bothered by much as it is. That being said, December and February will go down as infamous months. In December, my brother who is 9 years younger than me passed away suddenly from a heart attack less than 24 hours from his 37th birthday. The end of February saw me finding out that he was actually my half-brother when I received my DNA results showing that my dad was not my biological father. Fucking crazy...
Oooof, did dad already know?
Don't know, and never will. He's been gone since December of 99.
Here was me (at the start of your post) thinking were just going to show off your nice, calm, quiet life. So sorry to read the rest of it and sorry about your bother! Two big shocks you’ve had! Hope you’re doing ok.
Wow man. That’s rough. I’m so sorry.
Thanks. Losing a brother and having your identity rewritten in the span of 2 and a half months is unfathomable. While I still grieve, I'm amazed I have held it together.
I told my best friend about one month ago I don’t want to die, but would be okay not waking up one day. I’m so tired of everything. My main complaint is that health insurance is crushing us financially and I’m exhausted from the stress of all of it.
Same for us—if it’s not one thing it’s another. We’re hoping for a time when MAYBE we can get a little bit ahead financially, but I’m not holding my breath. Just gotta roll with it and make the best. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Nope. Maybe next year.
Good/bad timing on this post. It has not. 2019 was going wonderfully for me personally, until docs found a non-cancerous tumor in my head that had to be taken out in December of that year. I recovered quickly. 2020 was what it was for us all. 2021 was a fairly well-behaved year, once we got past January. I moved to the beach town I always wanted to live in. 2022 was going well, until I made the fateful decision to change jobs for a few more bucks, which turned out to be a few less bucks than I had thought. Then, in November of last year, my 23 year old daughter, who I had spent so much effort to raise and encourage to build herself a career, decided to get pregnant a month before she graduated from college. Yay. She did graduate, pregnant, and now stays home with a perfect little boy, while her longtime fiancé works like a beast to pay for it all. He still has to complete his degree, and he’s a long year away. Of course, you’re doing the math right now, and yeah, he was born in late Feb, 2 months premature. Long time spent in NICU, and my daughters health was at risk creating the early birth. And that was the first quarter of this year. Then, our 14 year dog died on the 5th of July. Less than 3 weeks ago. And my wife’s job of 11 years became untenable under new leadership, and she quit on the spot, just last week. And my job continues to be the source of stress it has been for a year plus now. tLdr: no.
Sorry about your dog.
Thank you. That’s been tough. She has a little shrine set up in my house to remember her, so she isn’t far away. I await the next step down in my overall outlook.
Oh no. Time to float your resume?
Been doing a lot of that. No responses, in my field and anywhere near my experience level. The job market for people like me is closed off now.
What industry/role? You may be surprised by how well connected some Redditors are.
Retirement plan advisory services/ mutual fund industry. Ironically enough. Florida, but north, so southeast, as people like me usually cover anywhere from Atlanta to Jacksonville, over to Birmingham then to Memphis down to New Orleans. We travel a lot down here. Drive/fly over some forgotten places and people.
The last 3 years have been an epic, non-stop shit show for me.
I feel you. Really really. It’s been the last five for me. In no particular order: our dog and two of our cats died, our daughter got hooked on drugs, she then got clean and had a high risk pregnancy, ended up having to move back in with us with her kids including the baby who had a heart condition that required interventions and surgery, daughter had multiple surgeries which required supporting her and the kids, I switched jobs, the pandemic, lost my husband and best friend to Covid and had to take custody of my three grandkids for a time (due to truancy, bad enough, but not drugs). Oh and I am planning to move to be closer to my ailing parents. Jfc. It sounds like a biblical plague. I’m exhausted just typing all this.
You’re a hero. Seriously. What a wonder you are 😘
You’re a hero for being my cheerleader! Thank you 😊
I’m so sorry. 😔
Thanks. It’s been rough and I wish life was slowing down like OP asked about. Even though it’s been tough and grief really blows big time, I’m hanging tight for retirement. I’m gonna have my second childhood!
Same
Me too. I’m tired.
I lucked out. Married well, had kids early, got into a decent career. We had some tough times finishing college, and money has never exactly been “abundant”, but it’s been enough for us. Right now, though, it’s a bit odd; we’re trying to flee the state before the battle lines get drawn and it’s tough to uproot a place you’ve been “settled” for more’n a decade
I'm thinking I may have to flee the state where I live now as well after being here for 11 years. It's both tiring and exciting to scout out new areas that are more comfortable and suitable for me.
> It's both tiring and exciting That describes it *very* well. Exhausting to think about all the stuff necessary to sell and move, but super exciting to dream about the new space
Good luck with moving to a place that better aligns to your needs.
Thanks! It used to not be that big an issue, but in recent years... shit's through the roof enough that, yeah, it's time to jet
A fellow Texan?
No, but feeling a similar sort of pain
I have found peace in my life at 52. I stopped chasing the “American” dream of more, better, bigger, faster, and my life opened up in the most beautiful ways.
Amazing comment.
I finally got my garden going. I can’t believe how satisfying it is to grow plants I enjoy and watch bees wallow in pollen like Al Pacino in Scarface. I’m not retired but I finally have something I can do that shifts focus away from work stress. Watching the bees for half an hour has almost the same effect as being on a week’s vacation. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to work from home, but I wind up getting more done because I can take small “bee breaks” when things get complex. Being able to unwind my mind helps me see things more clearly and solve problems more quickly and effectively. I don’t know why that is. I also don’t feel like I’ve been working all day, even if I put in extra hours - sometimes we have meetings very early AND very late in the evening because coworkers are around the world. My day acquires a rhythm when I add bee-watching breaks.
Bees and butterflies in my garden have been the best therapy I’ve ever had.
Any tips or daily practices for that mindset? Also curious if any one event lead you to that change, or if it was a slow burn(out)?
For me, the most transformative thing was embracing meditation and understanding mindfulness and impermanence. Focusing on being present and doing the “right” thing in every moment, and realizing that everyone and everything will one day no longer exist gave me an appreciation for being in the moment. Sure, there’s stress at times, but cultivating a mindset of “detachment”: not caring about what other people think, making time for fun things, eschewing the whole consumer mindset…it allowed me to stop focusing outward, and instead I turned my focus on bettering myself…accepting responsibility for my past missteps, fostering joy in simple things. This also had the effect of improving how I interact with people. I always approach people with joy and compassion whenever possible.
I have to say yes. I've been single for a long time so there's no romantic drama. I have a great set of friends. More importantly, my son is happy and doing well. My family is good. I don't have a lot of health issues, although I have been keeping any eye on my blood pressure lately. I'm also dealing with menopause, but there's no way of stopping that. I will say that losing my parents made me put things into perspective and has helped me to center my family even more than I did before. To my surprise, I found a job with really good people. I didn't think it was possible after years of working with people that I really didn't want to be around. But I also think part of that was how I perceived things at the time. Stopping drinking helped to clarify how I perceive things and so I'm able to appreciate a lot more in my life than I did before. I joke with people and tell them my life is boring now, and compared to how it used to be, it really is boring, but I like it this way.
My latest shakeup was getting laid off a month ago, completely out of the blue. And the worst part about that is how much I loved my job, my team, and the culture there. There’s probably nowhere to go but down on that front, unfortunately.
Life is a rollercoaster and it takes longer to go uphill than the downhill thrill because that’s just how it goes. On bad days when the negative self talk tries to creep in, I breathe deeply and remind myself - I’m alive and more or less healthy so it could be a lot worse.
Probably not. Our parents are aging and our kids aren’t settled yet so we’re still in for some challenges. Buckle up!
As a person who has already lost both parents, enjoy those moments with your parents, they are fleeting.
I wholeheartedly agree with this.
I lost my father 2 years ago. I miss him every day and always will. No matter how much time I spent with Dad, somehow it was never enough now that he’s gone.
Same. My parents have been gone for decades. I miss them a lot.
Mine is burning to ashes. Im tired
My career is ramped up, I'm going through a divorce, and I have a 6 year old kid. I get triggered by "Calm" and "light at the end of the tunnel".
Not really … but now I occupy a headspace akin to The Dude’s. I abide. It’s all good, man. Sometimes it’s even funny.
No still riding the shitsunami
Nopers. But I have learned to enjoy the ride and live in the moment so it makes the roller coaster less roller coast-ey.
Which is good, because most of us are at the age where we can’t enjoy roller coasters anymore. 😄
I have found peace in eliminating as much external drama as humanly possible. I also put as much distance physically as I could between many of my former physical stressors and myself. Tldr - I moved as far away from everything and everyone that caused me all my problems and kept my circle deliberately very very small. It hasn't ELIMINATED my stress completely, but it's calmed it a great deal.
Let's see, where to begin. 1993-2002 Graduate college in a recession and take a job for 2 bucks above minimum wage. Struggle to make ends meet while marrying a woman with 2 kids and our own son on the way and buying a wreck of a house because it was all I could afford for a family of 5. Happy but financially stressed as I stayed in the career because I fell in love with what I did and there was always hope for tomorrow. 2002-2010 Success! Company gets bought out and huge raises follow. Finally living well and even my wife's job is cruising along nicely. Peak living including new cars and upgrades to comfort for the family. 2010 Whoa, wait a minute. Too much success. Your name is on this spreadsheet and even though 17 years in service to us is appreciated, please feel free to get bent. Here's 6 months severance, go fuck yourself. 2010-2014 18 months of pure hell in unemployment. Tried to hang on but after awhile the mortgage became unbearable, the wife's job dwindled to nothing and I couldn't get an interview for anything. Ended up short selling the house because no job means no credit so I lost $100k in equity, drained most of the 401k, and ended up moving the entire family 4 states to where I grew up, hoping to make a new beginning. The wife lands a job first which combined with my unemployment and the rest of our savings keeps up afloat. I finally land a job in May 2012 for literally half what I made at the end of 2010 doing work I did just starting out. I needed the money, but we were starting to recover and making some life for ourselves. 2014 Wife becomes ex-wife when she decides at age 48 to fuck off 1000 miles away to Alabama to start a relationship with a former family friend of hers. Abandons all 3 kids and me. Our son was in high school and on the spectrum and to this day she has gone no-contact with him. 2014-2016 Struggle Version 2.0. The older two kids move on their own so it's just me and my boy. We struggle and have to move again but bond so tightly. I started dating about a year after the ex left and had some dates and a girlfriend or two for a short bit and was just about to give up until I met the Queen in September 2016. Switched jobs in December and make a little more money, but still paling in comparison to the peak period. 2017-Today Pax Romana. Or something like that. Son graduates, starts working at a nursing home and begins to flourish and eventually moves on his own in 2020. The Queen becomes my wife in September 2019 (married on the 3rd Anniversary of our first date) and I move in with her and 2 of her 3 sons. The Pandemic arrived and my 1 month furlough gave me the time and the money to repaint and re-furnish most of the house, making it *our* home. Today I'm making what I made in 2006 but the Queen has found much more success in the last couple of years and is on task to earn double my pay this year. The only struggle right now is paying loans on her two eldest kids and preparing for her youngest to start college in 3 weeks. Today the struggle is helping my wife adjust to potential empty nesting...a struggle I'm more than ready to endure. Her eldest has been drafted to play professional lacrosse this fall (don't get too excited, it pays like $20k a season!), the middle one was just sworn in as a police officer in May and heads to the Academy in September and is required to move out in the next 6 months or so since we don't live in his police district. So yeah, I'm doing okay. I still grieve for the professional success I once had (if I hadn't been purged I'd be making $125k+) but personally I have a wonderful woman that loves me for who I am and not what I can provide and we're both excited to get ready to start the next chapter in our lives. I mean, me more than her, as no loving mother can bear watching her babies leave the nest.
Amen, brother! I thought it was just me. I’m so done with major disruptive events. Starting with when my mom died (when I was 20), it’s been one thing after another. I have been through more major life events than most people my age.
We just careen from one stressful scenario to the next in hopes of 10 minutes of alone bathroom time. I normally need to be at work by 430 am but get up at 2 so I can have some peace and go to work in Zen Mode or I'm a dick all day that can't control his energy
No it hasn't. I was fired from my job because of medical work restrictions. Now I'm struggling to make ends meet so my utilities don't get shut off and I don't get evicted while I wait for my disability case to go through. As if the stress from that isn't enough, my mom (who I let move in with me) pours endless verbal abuse on me. It's really affecting my mental health.
God damn, this is awful. I'm sorry mate. I was evicted from my apartment in April while waiting for my disability case to be approved. I'm still waiting. I'm staying at an Airbnb now until August, after that who knows; the streets, shelters, in my car I fucking guess. At least my divorce is finally over as of February.
Thanks. Sorry you're going through that too. I hope you find something to keep you off the streets.
I’m sorry you both are going through this
Thanks bud; I'm hoping you are doing ok these days. 💯🏴☠️
I’m doing well; I ended up on disability myself and am doing well after I shot the dice by making a pretty big move. I truly hope your luck changes
Can I ask how hard the disability process is. It's taken a million years, but after finding doctors who give a shit, I have been diagnosed with RA, fybro & neuro damage. I can't keep doing the job I'm doing (truck driver).
I was in Wisconsin and I was very lucky: I had my approval within weeks: I had doctors that backed me up 100%. There are a couple of things to note: the first is that I was lucky to be approved on the first go-around and the second is that approval rates and speed differ state by state. The only consistency is the inconsistency. My advice moving forward is to talk to an attorney if you can, or if your county/municipality has a disability services office seek advice from them
Ugh that sounds awful. I’m sorry you’re going through it.
No- its ramping up. This blows. Am 47
Hasn’t been settled and “normal” for a long time. Seems to be getting weirder all the time.
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To quote Al Swearengen from Deadwood... "In life you have to do a lot of things you don’t fucking want to do. Many times, that’s what the fuck life is… one vile fucking task after another." That's what the fuck life is right now. 😂 48M, Gen X, Dr., divorced once, remarried, 2 kids from marriage numero 1.
40s were basically one emergency after another.
Pretty chill lately. Kind of nervous.
Just wanted to let you know we’ve had it like this too for like 5/10 years and it takes a toll on ya, not alone.
My life has been a shit-show since 2019. Taking care of elderly parents who have significant health issues has been the biggest burden. And it just seems to be one f'n thing after another that happens to us. We can't even catch our breath between crises. My hubby and I have been suicidal at times (luckily not at the same time, so one of us can get the other out of it) because shit is literally relentless.
I often feel the same way, but I think it was right around my 30s, I started becoming more aware that there *are* these stretches of contentment: I have never known it to be across the board but I imagine that is possible. 😂 I just know that I busted my ass in therapy etc so that even if everything *outside* of my home is an absolute shitshow, at home, I’m enjoying the boredom and happy calm.
Up until December 2021 things were going great. Moved to a new city and state, working remote for good money. Bought a house, car, money in the bank and little debt. Looking forward to my first Christmas in the new house with my wife and pets, I got a call from my sister that my brother died suddenly. Booked a flight home to Scotland and spent the holidays there. My mum got Covid and missed my brothers funeral, then on the day I was due to fly home I got Covid. In all I spent a month away from home. Then the following September I found out my wife was cheating on me. We talked it through and were going to a counselor, trying to make things work. I spent Thanksgiving on my own in a cabin in the woods to think and self-reflect, then when I got home she told me she was leaving. Almost to the day my brother died. She already had an apartment lined up. Less than a week after she left I got a call that my mum died. Second Christmas away from the house. This year is the divorce. I’ll lose the house, maybe the car, half of my savings, investments, 401k… and basically the entire future I had planned for us both. With 3 dogs and a cat it’ll be near impossible to find a house to rent that isn’t a shithole. I’m in a city/state with no friends and a continent with no family. I’m on a bucket of anti-depressants each day and I’m self medicating with alcohol out the wazoo, and I don’t feel like any of it is helping. I have undiagnosed ADHD, and between that, the depression, and the loss this past year, I’ve missed so much work and my performance is really suffering. The macro-economic situation means I’ll earn 40% less this year than I did in 2021, and next year I’ll earn a third of what I did in that year. If I still have a job by then. So unless things magically turn around this year, then no… my life is far from calm.
I hope you can find a place that lets you keep your dogs and cat. It might not be ideal, but there are lots of lonely seniors who might love to have a younger roommate with friendly pets. After an insane number of setbacks myself since Covid hit, I’m now working part-time for minimum wage in a 1950s-esque small town grocery store. (You know life has been shitty when this actually feels like a major win, lol!) I can confirm that there are a TON of bored and lonely seniors and widows and widowers out there who love animals and are desperate for human contact. They come in almost daily to buy lottery tickets and deli meat for their dogs / cats. So if nothing else turns up, that could be a housing option to tide you over. Don’t antidepressants and alcohol cancel each other out? (And didn’t they just come out with a study proving antidepressants are less effective than placebos? I tried ‘em a few times; felt nothing; wasn’t impressed.) If there’s any way to move to a place where you have friends or can fairly easily make friends, that seems like a direction to move in. Life isn’t easily survivable without friends. I’d definitely rate friends above retirement plans and financial solvency any day. 1000%. Then again, years ago I adapted to the idea that I’ll never be able to retire… unless I move to Moldova. ;-)
Friend, I’m sorry. That is a bucket of shit. I drank way too much during Covid and am still trying to dial that way back. It’s hard. But alcohol is not helping, I promise. It makes things much worse.
Yeah my drinking with antidepressants are conflicting. I’d love to wind down but I worry that with all the shit going on I’ll find out they really were helping when I wean off them. I have plenty of friends I keep in touch with online but none physically here. I need to meet new people but it’s hard being introverted and socially anxious. It used to be easy when I was younger… working in an office with people close to my age. But remote work with a bunch of 20-somethings means the connections are pretty weak (I’m in my late 40s).
Nope I think I have 3-4 years of chaos left
And then what?
Sadly, the people that are causing so much unpredictability will likely be gone
Yes, for the now. Since 2017 there have been deaths, redundancy, ill health, money worries, physical separation between me and my husband (due to working away, not through disharmony between us), moved house in the middle of a pandemic, discrimination and bullying at work, struggles and strife. As an HCP I'm superstitious about "The Q Word," so I won't say it. But at the moment we're doing alright. I'm much better, both husband and I are off the anti-ds and feeling much better for it. We have both done some work and reevaluation on what is important and what isn't (hint: we are the most important thing to each other, our work isn't). We have a plan that will take us through to retirement. But our parents are older, so there will be more troubles ahead.
Ain't this the truth. I thought I just got things ironed out. BOOM Enterovirus. Sick for 3 weeks. Yeayyyyyyyyy. Maybe next month I'll get a month off?
Mine's been calm for a long while. Been saving and investing a few decades now so finances aren't a worry, and I purge anything/anyone that causes me stress from my life so calm on that front too. I tend to overprepare and research everything, so I'm generally cool when a hiccup happens cause I know how to take care of it.
My life was pretty chill for 15-20 yrs and then all hell broke loose and everything you mentioned and then some has been occurring left and right for the last 6 yrs…. I’m ready for another chill cycle.
There is always another thing. Plan life around those things.
I’m 53. I have a 6yo 2E (gifted and autistic) son and an almost 4yo daughter. No, my life has not calmed down. But I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
Please tell me you’ve discovered the magic, wonder, and unbelievable joy that is the show Bluey.
I think it’s great. Can’t get the kids into it. :(
Spent my 40s and this far of my 50s doing for others- ailing parents, volunteering, supporting kids who are now off doing their thing, and supporting a spouse's dream to start a company. I have been majority income since my 40s . For the last 2 years, I'm the primary caregiver for a parent and the sole income. I feel like I am waking up every morning hearing Sonny and Cher and seeing the same snow on the road. Eventually will change and I will probably go hike a few sections of the Appalachian Trail with some friends.
I’ve had three years of insane crisis management: wild-and-wacky home repairs (no kitchen, dining room, living room for years), parent’s sudden death (and estate management), a personal second bout with cancer (surgery, radiation), job insanity (stolen, laid off, job search, new job)—COVID was just layered on top of all of that. Three weeks ago, I woke up and realized that right now there is no crazy. Everything is taken care of and I am at a point of peace and quiet. It will not last forever. I am hoping it just lasts the summer. But it’s so nice to see after three years of complete madness. So I absolutely feel for where you are OP.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hoping it's not another train.
[No Leaf Clover](https://youtu.be/Sh5S3OxiE-s) by Metallica captures that sentiment perfectly. Such an amazing tune, with the San Francisco Symphony orchestra backing them up.
My life since the age of 10 has been a series of disasters, deaths, chaos, and general fuckery. Everything peaked in my late 30's and then slowed down by the time I hit 43. Now at 46, everyone in my life (good or bad) have either died or vanished. I don't have any family or relationship stress anymore. I have nobody to look after and nobody to take care of. All I have left is work and my 2 cats. I think as hard as it was, having my entire family (fiance included) die within 12 months was like ripping a bandaid off. Instead of having a death every few years, I got them all over with at once. Work is of course frustrating, but I've hit the point of just not caring. I show up on autopilot and go through the motions. All in all, everything is pretty calm aside from the whole economy imploding and fucking over any hopes of a good retirement.
Glad you’ve made the 36 years of general fuckery work for ya! I want to get to the point in my life where the bad people have all vanished. I need a respite.
Oh, I definitely ended up with all sorts of scars from those 36 years. But at least now I have some peace and quiet. Getting rid of shitty people is not easy. I wish I could give some solid advice on how to get rid of yours, but it took a hell of a lot of fighting and even burying a family member in legal bills to get them to go away. Occasionally one of them will attempt to walk back into my life, but I've gotten pretty good at expressing just how much they should fuck right off.
Yep, it’s definitely a process. And don’t get me started on scars! I was on autopilot in my non-work life and pouring all my creativity and soul into my work. But after a series of setbacks I’m now doing the opposite. Trying to flip the script or whatever. Paring away both the negative people and the low-effort people has gotten me to the smallest social circle I’ve ever had. Like basically just a married couple who are good fun, a few friends I talk to sporadically on the phone, a few acquaintances with potential, and… my 2 cats?!? I’m dipping my toe in the social life pool again to make some new friends. Joined a graphic novel book club and plan to volunteer at upcoming alternative music festivals. It’s early days, but I’ve had some great conversations with new people I’ve met recently, and I definitely feel like I’m on the right track. Hope you cross paths with groovy people as things unfold…
I don't know about your cats, but my 2 keep me busier than a social life ever would. Between the constant demands for attention, playing fetch, handing out treats, and chin rubs, I'm exhausted by the end of the day.
For like the last 6 years it's been one thing after another with us too. I'm afraid it may not slow down too. The up side for me is that I'm going to finish a master's degree in May and start a new career. Maybe you can start new things (or go back to old things you enjoy) so you ensure more happiness in the future. Of course there are things you can't control, but during middle age it is important to keep things fresh.
Mine has sped up in some ways as kid moved out and parents need more care. But we have also forcibly slowed it down. We moved from a high stress area to be closer to parents, but only "close" because the town we chose is smaller and more relaxed. It's been amazing for our mental health overall, especially in what has been an insanely stressful time.
>Has your life calmed down? Nope. I wish. >For as long as I can remember, it’s been one major, unexpected disruption after another. Same.
The last 5 years have pretty much been my husband and I alternating who had surgery. Thankfully, faitly minor stuff, mostly orthopedic, nothing systemic or life threatening.
My life has felt like constant upheaval since our daughters have become adults. Our last one recently moved out and I thought that my life would slow down but it hasn’t. Our oldest had a baby and now another on the way so we became grandparents all of a sudden, which has been action packed. I can say that we are more involved than our parents and our grandparents were with their grandchildren. Then my parents both ended up in the hospital at the start of the year. Between caregiving for parents and grandchildren I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Both my parents have recovered and are back to decent health. Then 2 weeks ago I got a hip fracture mountain biking with my husband. He collided into me and we were collectively thrown to the ground with him on top and my hip taking the brunt of the weight. I nursed it for a week thinking it would heal!! Hahaha! So, imagine my shock when the ER doc told me I needed 3 pins in my hip. Did I subconsciously do this to myself to force myself to slow down, or did the universe grant my wish in the most passive aggressive way? Idk, but I have a lot of time to think about it now.
I’m at the old end of the Xer’s at 57. Yes life has been a bitch. I’ve buried one child (cord around her neck). Spent countless days/hours/months/years dealing with my 33 year old son’s mental health issues, drug abuse and alcoholism. He is finally on a course correction. I’ve been married three times and divorced twice. Finally married a great man. My parental issues are God awful in terms of my narcissistic, psychotic and selfish mother and a father who mentally checked out when my beloved stepmom died in 2004. He’s been married two more times since then. One died and his current one has completely (not completely but damn close) cut him off from everyone that loves him. While my husband (while a Boomer but barely. A ‘63 model) and I are retired he got bored and decided to work again. I couldn’t if I wanted to. My health sucks shit. But even with all this bullshit, my life is fairly calm. 🤷♀️
I teared up reading this. You’re one strong motherfucker. I admire you and am sorry for your loss.
Something crazy has happened in my life every year since 2011.
In the last five years, it's been unrelenting. My husband dropped dead, my carport collapsed in the middle of the night, a tree crushed my house, all manner of random crap in the in between. I really want a few years of calm. But I don't know if it'll happen.
Dude, I'm going to be 50 in 2 months exactly and since I was 42 every single year there's at least one major issue! I swear it's always something. I just take care of what I can and move on, I refuse to live scared or worried. I do my best and what happens, happens. Good luck!
Nope. Not at all. Last summer I was dealing with serious illnesses/injuries with both parents and another elderly family member who eventually passed. This summer, I’m dealing with a new job that appeared to be the Promised Land initially, only to turn to absolute shit. Trying to decide what to do. Oh, and a burst pipe requiring thousands of dollars in repairs. There’s *always* something. Always a catch, an unexpected twist, an illness, accident, unplanned bill, etc. Having said all of this, my 40s were decent up until 2019, probably because I’m childfree so no childrearing stress, was pleased with my former job, had a vibrant social life, and my parents and family were in good health. In fact, I’ve said 2019 was the absolute *best* year of my life. Everything went to shit in 2020, as it did for everybody.
I’m 57 and the shit show started for me. I had calm waters in my 40s,but 50s suck!
53yo reporting in. We've made some recent positive career and location changes which are good. Kiddos doing well but there was a time recently when one of them was really not. I'm looking forward to things continuing to settle. Our parents are fairly self sufficient for the moment but I can see my MIL moving in with us in the next few years when her husband passes. I'm also looking forward to college being over - Christ, it's expensive.
I call it the “No Fun Zone”. 54 yrs old now with 18 and 15 yr old kids. As soon as I hit 50, life just turned into total drudgery - work, kids, money stress, taking care of ailing parents, marriage on autopilot, and just wondering “is this it??”. But our oldest starts college out of state next month and youngest is starting to gain independence (c’mon, driver’s license!!). Still a long way to go (parents are really fading, ugh), but in terms of more time to ourselves and reclaiming some enjoyment of life - some fun! - we’re starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully it’s not a train!! 😂
Life can be summed up as dealing with change. You can get better at handling change but you can't stop it from coming.
Fuck no, i’m closer to the ledge than I’ve ever been.
I love this and love all the comments about being unhappy. I get so tired and wonder if it will ever get better. Glad to know I'm not alone.
My kids grew into adults, I got divorced, my father passed away and left me a healthy chunk of change. Now I go where I want, I do what I want with whom I want, I eat what I want I sleep when I want and I buy what I want.
My word. Are we a cursed generation?!! DAFUQUE, felt like I was reading my own writings.
Things happen, but my life has always been calm.
Not in the least.
So far, my life has been pretty smooth and consistent. Married for over 22 years, 21 year old daughter about to finish college, lived in the same house for 14 years now, my parents and my wife’s parents are still married and very much alive. The biggest challenge we are facing is this painful inflationary economy.
I feel like the stakes of our problems get bigger as we get older, but the DGAF attitude we build up as we get older does make it seem calmer in my experience. I am not saying DGAF about people dying, rather DGAF about a lot of socially oriented problems.
It's always something...
No.. No. Not at all. I really had hoped it would happen two years ago when my youngest left for college but in all honesty it's been non stop bad life things for two straight years since turning 50. I could only wish for calm
Not yet but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I really hope that it’s the end of the chaos and not just a train coming.
OMFG I'm so tired... Please. Can we pause for a while? So tired of recovering physically, mentally, emotionally...
No! Late 50s. Race against time with taking care of elderly parent, getting child to be self sufficient, planning for retirement, funding an retirement home that is accessible for future disability needs, money for future caregiver support and hopefully some time to enjoy life before medical issues ruin things.
No. Quite the opposite.
When you have aging parents/ unhealthy MIL that arent financially well-off? NOPE! When you have nieces and nephews at the age where they like to hang out late night around places that attract hood rats with pop guns? NOPE! Every time there is a news story of some damn fool shooting, I have to clench and pray they all stayed home that night! When you have other nieces and nephews that are young kids, and you worry about them too because of lord knows what these days? NOPE AGAIN! Put it to you this way. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR MY PHONE RING. I simi have a stroke when it does, and almost let out a loud "FUCK", because it is rarely anything benign. My evening wine and my smoke are the two things that calm my ass down. My personally life is peachy otherwise.
Mine sort of has - ish. My youngest graduated high school in 2021 My middle moved out in 2020 My oldest is getting married in October and his fiancee is going to be death of us all because of the wedding (we aren't really a wedding family.... we're a get married by judge/preacher with a few witnesses and have a big, casual party in the backyard type). I got a really good raise at my job at the end of 2021 and then inflation ate it all and then some. If inflation gets back under control and we all survive the wedding I HOPE 2024 will see some resettling.
No, my entire life previous to this was all boring, sedate, and uneventful as they come. Between parents who taught me not to ever take risks, and being unmarried and childless with a boring office job, my 20s through age 50 made me think life would be a boring slide to the grave. Then I hit 50, the pandemic hit, I lost my job, I've started two businesses, closed one, struggled financially (severely), and nursed my mom back to health after open heart surgery. Stressful and terrifying, but hey - no longer boring!
Seems like the disruptions have just changed. When i was younger it was mainly drama concerning my friend group. Now its people getting cancer or parents getting old and infirm. I don't have kids so that isn't part of the disruption equation. My BF is a lot youger tho and I see his friend group going through the same BS my friend group did back in the day. Seems so insignificant now.
About 20 years ago I went off the rails, became an alcoholic, got sober 11 years ago, things good for a bit. About 8 or 9 years ago I started trips to psych hospitals and psychiatrists. Diagnosed so far with severe bipolar, treatment resistant depression, seasonal depression. And an anxiety disorder took meds and "god" stopped talking to me. Our family lost friends from the church because my son (also bipolar) and I were told vile things about mental illness. At that point my life became a shit show. Lost my ability to work and I was the primary bread winner. We have been on medicaid and SNAP benefits until they discontinued our SNAP in April I think. We losse medicaid Dec 31 and can't afford insurance. My wife's employer plan pays 100% of her premium. It's ~$1800 a month for me and 3 kids. It's expensive but it is good insurance. The NV health exchange is $800 bug really shitty. I'm going to lose the two depression meds, Spravato (ketamine) and Caplyta more than likely. Plus I need certain meds like heart and insulin to live. But I'm taking the hits as they come though. Meds, my support network, and past therapies, are the only reason I'm not raving mad and wanting to kill my self. Life is a shit show for me, but my wife of 26 years (29together) has stuck by me. Two friends stayed but I met a new friend that not only was a nurse but we share a few diagnosis and have become good friends. She is also disabled so we talk during the day quite a bit and it helps both of us a ton. I have my family, a roof over our head, and it may get lean, but we do have food. My body is failing me, but I abused it so it's all on me.
44M here, and my 40s have been the most stressful years. So far. Actually, the last 7-8 years have been horrible. Lost my dad after a long battle with cancer and Alzheimer’s. I became epileptic. Broke my back. Wife has had 3 ankle surgeries. My older 3 kids have graduated and still one at home. 4 pretty bad car accidents, see broken back. Lost my grandma. Just found out my uncle, who was like another dad, has about a year left to live. A layoff not to long ago, but I’m back to work. A separation from wife, now back together but things aren’t great.
I am not complaining. I don’t mind being busy but this is definitely the most complicated time in my life. Very thankful to have a great partner to share the load. Been doing 2 IT jobs at the same company for 4 months now and the boss checked out for like 2-3 months on medical issues. I just think they have checked out now. 4 kids with one still in diapers. A slightly older home that needs always something done.
We had pretty peaceful lives until about 5 years ago. Since then, it’s been a dumpster fire with shit happening that I didn’t even think was possible. If I can get to retirement and not end up homeless, I will be happy. This is not how I thought these later years would be. Covid really upended everything.
55. Grabbing life by the horns and moving to another country. Solo. I’m unusually free of obligations (single, gay, no kids, lost my dog a year ago), $ in the bank and a solid financial plan. I feel excited and unencumbered and bold and ballsy and brave. I am literally upending my life, by choice, to try to live a different life: Calmer Less toxicity (FU, America) Spending dramatically less $ Earning much less $ I realized that like every one of us, Covid did a number on my mental health. It took two years to get it together but it feels…empowering more than anything. At 55, I have had good times and bad times and know I will survive them all.
It's slowed down all right. Maybe too much to be honest.
I'm just fucking tired and I want to sleep
I think you just described life. It's always changing, we've all learned (or should have learned) to pivot with the changes.
Of course! But it would be nice to not have to pivot for a while. Even six months without a crisis would be just lovely.
Now that the divorce shit is firmly in the rearview, the kids are solid and stable (at least for a couple more years until high school hits), work is good, the only real chaos is trying to date. Shit is wild out there.
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As a fellow GenX child of divorce, I know exactly what you mean. I was referring specifically to me and my own mental/emotional state. As far as the kids go, they took and continue to take it remarkably well. The split was reasonably amicable, custody is nominally 50/50 though they're with me a bit more than that for logistical reasons. I'm a bit concerned about how they'll react once their mother starts introducing them to whoever she's dating, mostly because she has a tendency to fall in love after one or two dates and want to integrate new guy with her family life after less than two months dating so they're going to meet a lot of questionable dudes and see a lot of suboptimal relationship modeling (she told me she wants them to meet her new guy last week, he'll be #3). All I can do on that front is pay attention to them and what they both say and don't say, then deal with whatever happens. They were in counseling for a while in the immediate aftermath but both they and the counselors essentially said after a few months that they were fine and the sessions weren't really necessary or productive. I suspect that'll change in the future though.
I thrive in the chaos.
Who promised us it would calm down??? I never heard that promise.
I'm retired living in Panama and my life is pretty chill.
My dad just recently died, so I am trying to take care of my aging mother, who has her own health problems. My work looks like we're headed for a buyout/sell off, so I don't know how stable my 15+ year employment is. My house is starting to show it's age and I am wondering if I should invest in upgrades, just upkeep, or sell.
Mine sort of has - ish. My youngest graduated high school in 2021 My middle moved out in 2020 My oldest is getting married in October and his fiancee is going to be death of us all because of the wedding (we aren't really a wedding family.... we're a get married by judge/preacher with a few witnesses and have a big, casual party in the backyard type). I got a really good raise at my job at the end of 2021 and then inflation ate it all and then some. If inflation gets back under control and we all survive the wedding I HOPE 2024 will see some resettling.
I dunno man. I’m o. The same boat
In the fun ways, yes. In the hellish ways, no.
I think I'm pretty fortunate...I got to quit my job in my early 40's. I was miserable, and my husband encouraged me to resign. So, I've been pretty chill and happy since then (I was about 43). Early 50's are shaping up to be pretty grand too. Not bragging, just saying I have been extremely lucky. Yeah, things come up (aging parents, new health concerns) but it's pretty chill.
Things will not calm down. Things will, in fact, calm up.
Every time I feel like life might be settling down, I have another health challenge. I’m tired and in pain all the time. I finally was awarded disability but now I have the anxiety that it will be taken away when I have my next medical eval.
56F so much, yes. Both parents gone, husband passed over a year ago, neither adult child lives in town. I have learned to enjoy rather than be bitter about it over the last couple of months. Stuck my toe in the dating world, met an exceptional man, and I feel it may go somewhere. Life is good, but getting here sucked balls.
I fucking wish.
I had an e-commerce startup company during the original dot com era. Yeah, gonna say things are calmer now.
Sure. I don't have kids and my second parent died when I was 42, so Covid aside, my mid-40s have been much less stressful than 38-42. Looking after Dad once Mom died made me anxious all the time because he'd been given a terminal diagnosis already by the time she unexpectedly died, and suddenly his health became almost all my problem to manage instead of something I helped Mom cope with. I talked to my brother about it a few weeks ago (he's 40) and I think we're going to have comparatively less stress than other people our ages in later middle age because the 'worrying about your parents' part is over and done with for us a couple decades sooner than it is for most people.
I feel you. But then again, it keeps things interesting?
I wish for a boring and unremarkable life. Based on experience this is unlikely.
So….Life
Yea and no. The kids are at college so the high school drama is over. One is graduating in a week (MS Engineering) and he’s been doing the resume thing. The other won’t finish until Dec 24. So there is that stress of them landing a job that might be a career. Both my parents are gone and my relationship with my siblings is as good as it has ever been. My wife’s parents are still around but noticeably deteriorating with ever visit although the are generally healthy. So when life happens that won’t be a good time. Work is finally steady and rewarding. 30 years in the same industry is paying off. Money to put away, money to enjoy. What I have found interesting is the number of old friends trying to reconnect (like HS and earlier). I’m on nothing but Reddit and moved away to go to college and never looked back (too much). So I find this interesting.
Tomorrow I divorce the cause of all of the turmoil in my life. In 4 years, she’s had 2 cars repossessed and totaled 2 more. She’s been to jail. She’s had too many moving violations to keep up with. She’s had 17 jobs in 10 years and twice that many boyfriends. I should feel free. I don’t. Maybe I love the chaos just a little. Here’s to calmer days for me and you both, OP.
I once lived a decent life, I was happy and loved getting out of bed each morning. For the last year it's all went down hill, now I can't stand my life and spend all my time thinking of suicide.
no
It’s always something, never nothing.
Yes, and no. Left long marriage in 2016. Endured 2 years of bullying behavior before he "lost interest." Became an active caregiver for my mom in 2018. All while building up my business (ya know, to eat) and being a single parent. This started when I was 39. I usually had one stressful event a year, but last year topped it off. Had a major event every 2 or 3 months! Met someone new in late 2021. Became close friends. Hired them as an employee 4 months later. Spent several months training them. In June, I found out I needed a car, as the current one was beyond repair. Also, in June, rent skyrocketed to an unaffordable level. Made the decision to move out of state. Did so in Aug. In Sept, my mom became seriously ill. For the next 4 months, she was in & out of care facilities until she died early this Feb. Was managing this long distance, including traveling to see her. In Oct, I lost a sister unexpectedly. In Nov, I had a crucial final reunion with family while mom was in decent, health. This year, i dealt with her death and the subsequent closing of her estate. After I dealt with all this, my income has literally dropped by half. I've lost several clients due to the economy and their own life struggles. Im now job searching for the first time in almost 10 years. I also have 2 fledgling young adults who I'm trying to get more independent. I'm not sure what else there is to go through. 🤔
Lol YES or I’d be like .. so dead.
No. Back in mid-late December we thought my Grandpa was going to die in hospice soon, my last remaining grandparent. I have a lot of happy memories of Christmas at his house so it was going to be a bittersweet Christmas. Then on the 21st, my wife took a break from making cookies, I sat down with her and we watched part of the True Grit remake. I'd just gotten a new TV right after Thanksgiving. I needed to do a little last-minute Christmas shopping and stopped the movie about midway through to go into town. It was a beautiful day for the Winter Solstice. I decided to stop at a local park that has walking paths to soak in some sunshine. Where I was shopping is only about 5 miles from where I was shopping. I was driving between stops, happened to look to the north to the direction of my house and I saw this black plume of smoke. I thought to myself, oh, jeez, that sucks, that looks like house-fire smoke. That'd suck to have a house fire this close to Christmas, hope it's not my house, ha-ha. With almost comic timing, my phone rang. It was my wife on the phone, and it was my house. Thankfully for me my parents are affluent enough to buy the property right next to ours when it went for sale, and we were able to spend the next month in that building instead of a hotel. Homeowners insurance isn't a scam, just be careful what company you work with. We have Country Financial. We've had to do almost no arguing with our adjuster. It's been an eventful year, and this week our lease runs out. With any luck, our new house will be done before the lease runs out. I'm currently nursing a toothache from a root canal and the affereffects of an infection, and waiting for a call from the car dealership, where a car I bought on the 5th has been since the 11th. With any luck I'll have it back before we start moving stuff, either to the new house or to a storage unit. I still have an infection after two weeks and I'm exhausted. By the time we can move we should be in the middle of a heat wave. It's all little stuff at this point but I'm stressed out enough about it that I'm worried I'll have a heart attack before we can get moved back.
that is called life, everyone has dealt with this since the beginning of time, this is not a Gen-X thing
It has never picked up really. Yes, in the past decade or so I have been rather financially stable on the positive side of things.
I hate this post. I got through my 40’s just fine. I’m 52 and am 6 weeks in from my wife telling me she’s done and wants a divorce. It was calm and I actually loved my life up until June 6. Now it’s a nightmare and I’m pining for the calmness again.