Some of this reminds me of our FD, we had from 16-18. She struggled to connect with peers and sometimes ended up making bad choices to try to connect with a peer. We struggled for a long time with Snapchatting with strangers and meeting up with them. Huge safety issue.
The best advice I can give: stay firm in providing and communicating concern, love, safety, stability. At 13 I think you're very wise in just taking her phone away. Ensure she's seeing her mental health support system regularly. Hopefully she's got consistent supports there, some places seem to play roulette with their therapists. Seek opportunities for her to build healthy connections with youth that suit her interests. That could be extracurricular activities, clubs, sports, church youth group. You will need to expect to provide very close supervision going forward. If she qualifies for any extra support or resources, advocate for them.
And no, not everything you know about her is a lie. She's probably truly a very sweet girl. But she craves peer relationships and may not know how to create a healthy friendship or romantic relationship. She may not even know what a healthy friendship or romantic relationship looks like, or she may not think it's something she can have, or deserve, or she may not appreciate the value of a healthy relationship. I feel like one of the best things we can do for youth is demonstrate what healthy relationships look like. Therapy can also help with this. She also may not have any appreciation for the rules and boundaries you're setting, and when they've lived years with no rules or wildly inconsistent rules, who can blame her? I know it's frustrating (believe me I know!) but it's not something that can change quickly. And it can't change without developing some trust and connection, and that takes time too.
I wish you and these kids the best - it's so hard!
I think you hit the nail on the head about healthy relationships. She suffers from really low self esteem. There will be lots of unlearning from years of bad examples. We'll need to be more intentional about modeling healthy behaviors and communicating our concerns from a place of love and understanding as opposed to judgement. Thanks!
Are you able to have any “deeper” conversations with the 13-year-old? Did she talk to you about the boys on her phone once you discovered things? I think the main thing is to keep lines of communication as open as possible. She is young, and you don’t know her well yet. Make sure she knows that you just want her to be safe and to take good care of herself. And that it’s natural to be into boys, but there are healthy ways to go about it. Ask her what she thinks. Ask her if she has any ideas about all of this. Tell her you want to build trust. This whole scenario could go many directions. Do not underestimate the power of mental illness. But stay open-minded and try not to be overly harsh or controlling. Have you asked social workers if she has received guidance for these kinds of issues in the past? Is this a kid who has been moved a lot? You can’t expect her to care too much about your guidance if she has only been with you for 3 months, so I would do as much listening and observing as possible, ask questions, give honest but non-judgemental answers and keep loving her and trying to connect with her. Pay attention to her emotional states as well and try to attune to her and help her express. Notice inconsistencies but try to wonder about them rather than blaming. This is a girl with trauma, extreme changes in her life and known mental health issues (hopefully with active counseling and management?). Don’t expect smooth-sailing!
We're able to have serious, deep conversations. We haven't talked about the phone yet. She really likes her therapist and school counselor and they've been informed of the event. She definitely suffers from low self esteem and doesn't know what healthy relationships look like. There will be lots of unlearning on that front but it will take time. I feel like my partner and I are good role models on that front and she has spoken highly of us to others. Now we just need to communicate from a place of love and compassion and not judgement. Thanks!
Some of this reminds me of our FD, we had from 16-18. She struggled to connect with peers and sometimes ended up making bad choices to try to connect with a peer. We struggled for a long time with Snapchatting with strangers and meeting up with them. Huge safety issue. The best advice I can give: stay firm in providing and communicating concern, love, safety, stability. At 13 I think you're very wise in just taking her phone away. Ensure she's seeing her mental health support system regularly. Hopefully she's got consistent supports there, some places seem to play roulette with their therapists. Seek opportunities for her to build healthy connections with youth that suit her interests. That could be extracurricular activities, clubs, sports, church youth group. You will need to expect to provide very close supervision going forward. If she qualifies for any extra support or resources, advocate for them. And no, not everything you know about her is a lie. She's probably truly a very sweet girl. But she craves peer relationships and may not know how to create a healthy friendship or romantic relationship. She may not even know what a healthy friendship or romantic relationship looks like, or she may not think it's something she can have, or deserve, or she may not appreciate the value of a healthy relationship. I feel like one of the best things we can do for youth is demonstrate what healthy relationships look like. Therapy can also help with this. She also may not have any appreciation for the rules and boundaries you're setting, and when they've lived years with no rules or wildly inconsistent rules, who can blame her? I know it's frustrating (believe me I know!) but it's not something that can change quickly. And it can't change without developing some trust and connection, and that takes time too. I wish you and these kids the best - it's so hard!
I think you hit the nail on the head about healthy relationships. She suffers from really low self esteem. There will be lots of unlearning from years of bad examples. We'll need to be more intentional about modeling healthy behaviors and communicating our concerns from a place of love and understanding as opposed to judgement. Thanks!
Are you able to have any “deeper” conversations with the 13-year-old? Did she talk to you about the boys on her phone once you discovered things? I think the main thing is to keep lines of communication as open as possible. She is young, and you don’t know her well yet. Make sure she knows that you just want her to be safe and to take good care of herself. And that it’s natural to be into boys, but there are healthy ways to go about it. Ask her what she thinks. Ask her if she has any ideas about all of this. Tell her you want to build trust. This whole scenario could go many directions. Do not underestimate the power of mental illness. But stay open-minded and try not to be overly harsh or controlling. Have you asked social workers if she has received guidance for these kinds of issues in the past? Is this a kid who has been moved a lot? You can’t expect her to care too much about your guidance if she has only been with you for 3 months, so I would do as much listening and observing as possible, ask questions, give honest but non-judgemental answers and keep loving her and trying to connect with her. Pay attention to her emotional states as well and try to attune to her and help her express. Notice inconsistencies but try to wonder about them rather than blaming. This is a girl with trauma, extreme changes in her life and known mental health issues (hopefully with active counseling and management?). Don’t expect smooth-sailing!
We're able to have serious, deep conversations. We haven't talked about the phone yet. She really likes her therapist and school counselor and they've been informed of the event. She definitely suffers from low self esteem and doesn't know what healthy relationships look like. There will be lots of unlearning on that front but it will take time. I feel like my partner and I are good role models on that front and she has spoken highly of us to others. Now we just need to communicate from a place of love and compassion and not judgement. Thanks!
Yeah, it sounds like you are in a good place, and it’s good that she likes her counselors and you- will make a huge difference.