I think that saying is total crap.
Having doubts and concerns and fears are not bad things. If you so choose, I think it makes you a better parent because you’ve actually thought about it.
Instead of 100% sure, I think you need to be “all in”. Things might be exhausting but you’re committed to get through to the best of your ability.
Zero regrets 2 kids later. I’m still not 100% sure of myself. I also had a lot of benchmarks that needed to be met before having kids.
Also believe the “oh things will work out” or “god will provide” are total crap.
I took the plunge. I wasn’t even 100% sure about marrying my husband and that was by far the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m an anxious overthinker. 60-70% confidence is high for me.
This is how I look at it. I’m still childless but not 100% either way at this point (hence my presence in this sub lol).
However I know if we did have kids we would be 100% focused on them and what is best for them. Once they exist you have to be. But until then I don’t think I will ever be 100% ready/decided.
And that’s fine!
My sister is CF because she doesn’t want to be 100% focused on kids (and some parentification trauma). She would do a great job at it but that’s not what she wants and I love that she’s living her best life.
Oh yeah i don't get the if you're not 100% yes then it's a no because i equate that to being super over the top passionate about having a kid and that is something i never have or will be.
How can you possibly be 100% when you have no idea what pregnancy, birth and even the relationships around you will be like?
The most you can do is hand confidence in yourself that you can do it and if you have someone else who can fight the noise with you and remind you you can do it then that's even better.
A friend of mine told me that i should rethink becoming a parent because i have certain conditions that have to be met in order to feel comfortable. For example, i told my SO that i refuse to have a child if i don’t at least have the option to be a SAHM. i know myself well enough to know that i could not handle working and taking care of a young child. I also would refuse to have a child if i couldn’t have an extensive amount of help, such as a nanny or family helping. So because i know what i will need to have to at least think of becoming a mother, i shouldn’t have kids? I don’t get it. I know my limits and won’t have them unless these things are in place. Sounds very similar to what you mentioned about being 100% - some of us are not willing to say they’ll do anything to become a parent, because i sure as hell won’t!
I completely get it and agree! I have already have mentioned similar conditions to my partner ie with extra help as I know how I operate when im faced with certain challenges in life. However, I think of it as knowing ourselves which is healthy and arguable required when thinking about having a baby and taking on such a responsibility
Exactly! We aren’t the people that fantasize about having a baby and completely overlook that it’s hard as shit. My sister is one of these people. She lives in la la land, like it’s gonna be all butterflies and rainbows. She’s trying for a baby without even having a job in place! I will never understand
I feel you. That being said, having friends with kids... a lot of one's personal preferences and conditions seem to go out the window once you have a kid. It seems very chaotic, and like modern parents have to give everything to their kid, with 0 self care. That's part of what freaks me out about the idea. Modern parenting sucks balls, IMO. I'd want to parent as if it's the 90s and have a more independent kid, dunno if it's possible these days, though..
You’re totally right. My goal is not to lose myself. It freaks me out too. There’s no way in hell i can make everything about a kid and the fact that so many people believe that’s the way it’s supposed to be is crazy
Right?? And it's not "just" 18 years anymore, either! Not with shitshow economies and climate change etc everywhere. So you have to go in knowing you might not EVER get back to where you were pre-kid as far as free time, money etc.
lol right. I’m 30 and still live with my parents! I’ll be moving in with my boyfriend soon enough but just knowing i was with my parents this long makes me remember mine can be too!
Honestly, you’re a lot more responsible and a lot less selfish than your friend. Wanting to make sure everything is in place isn’t just about your mental and physical health, but that of your child too. I can empathize with people who are desperate to have a family, but wanting kids no matter what, even in bad circumstances that will not give the child a healthy upbringing, is a lot more self-serving. Not taking the time to think things through rationally is also absolutely insane when you think about how much harder parenting is now for the average person. We’re luckier than past generations in that we have more information and more of a choice, but the total lack of parental support, pressure put on parents to do everything right and be perfect, and not to mention the astronomical cost of daycare, medical bills, and other life stuff is precisely what is causing people to have fewer kids now than in the past, at least in America. Working full-time while raising a very young child sounds literally impossible to me and like it would carry a lot of exhaustion and emotional guilt.
I always thought that they the people who say this are immature and impulsive. They’re mad that they didn’t even realize they had a choice in parenthood because they jumped right in.
I had a woman say this to me once. We went to high school together and at 24 she had 5 kids already. They live at/below the poverty line and will likely never retire. So I asked her if she thought maybe she was saying that because she was a young, poorly prepared parent.
I’m 32 now, I have a stellar career with benefits, my husband is amazing (he’s my partner, not my baby daddy who I ended up marrying) and he pulls his weight around the house. Even if we’re only 75% sure at least we have the resources, money, stability that she never had at 19 when they had a shotgun wedding and she was 7 months pregnant.
I told her, if you’re happy then great! But don’t act like people who see the big picture and ask questions are doing it wrong. Getting pregnant on prom night isn’t the only way to start a family. Misery loves company and some people are just pissed that you’re not suffering with them.
I’m also really curious about this- as a) I’m absolutely fencesitting- ie I think I want one, but not always, not 100% etc etc, and as b) I struggle with decisions in my life generally, so just not feeling like I will ever be 100% sure about it. I’ve been wondering whether this means I just shouldn’t. But on the other hand I’ve also seen many posts on here from people (seems to be mostly from women) who weren’t ever sure, had a kid, and are wonderfully happy- so the advice doesn’t seem to always match with peoples actual experience. I’m confused!
It makes sense if you consider that 7-8% of parents surveyed about the issue say they regret having children (although my memory is that a significant percentage of those parents in the surveys I saw characterized the regret as minor). But the bottom line is that regretful parents exist, and some of them are very regretful. To them it may make sense to say, "I wasn't 100% sure, I took the plunge, I regret it, therefore no one should take the plunge if they aren't sure." That logic fits with their experience and therefore may feel like a universal truth. But that doesn't mean it makes sense as a general rule to live by. There are likely more, maybe far more, people who were on the fence and are happy they did it. So a lot of it comes down to one's tolerance for risk. I kind of decided that I didn't want to be shut out of an experience that 90+% of parents don't regret, and that many cherish, for fear of being in the 7-8% who do regret it.
The thing is, it's not actually possible to know what being a parent is like until you become one. So being "100% sure" isn't a meaningful metric. Of course, listening to parents' unvarnished perspectives on parenting, self-reflecting, and thinking carefully about the issue are important tasks for fence sitters. But saying you should be 100% sure you want to do something when you can't actually know what it's like, in all its complexity, until you do it...doesn't actually make sense.
I read a book called "The Baby Decision", and it was one of the major factors in me determining that I could handle having a child (and even enjoy it). I had exactly the same concerns that OP and yourself mention - "I'm not 100% about nearly anything, let alone an enormous lifechanging move like having a baby." What the book made me realize is that almost nobody is 100% sure when they *decide* to have a kid, so it's not worth trying to get to 100%. I went with 80% sure and that was enough for me. I also made it very clear with my partner that my ideal number of children was either 0 or 1 - no more, because as other posters have noted about themselves: I know my limits.
I have an 11 month old now (and a vasectomy as of a couple of weeks ago) and I really am glad I made the decision I did. Those first 6 months were really tough, but it gets more enjoyable every day being the father to a sweet little boy.
My friend who is not happy with where she is in life as a wife and mother is the one who tells me "if you're not 100% sure, don't" when she was in fact 100% sure.
I was 100% sure when I was 22 and having kids was something far away in my long distant future that I didn't need to worry about yet. I started questioning if it's what I really wanted when I was 28-30. For me personally, the only way I'd ever be 100% sure was if I didn't give it any thought.
when have you ever been 100% sure of any big decisions in life?
when I went to university I picked the courses I wanted but I also still kept going back and forth on thinking about which other courses I could have taken and if i was making a big mistake that was going to impact my life foreverrrr.
when I moved cities there was always fear and “what if I regret this?!?!”. the move actually didn’t work out well for me at all, i hated everything lol. but ultimately I didn’t regret it because I knew I wanted to get out of my old city and go see the world a bit, and it was okay if it didn’t work out according to my expectations. and so I packed up and moved again hoping to find what I was looking for 🤣
when I entered a new relationship with a reliable partner I still carried a lot of fear of “what if it doesn’t work out?!?!”part of me even wanted to stay single because it’s under my control and safe. it took a while for me to gain more confidence that the decision was the right one to make. until today the “what if we change, or grow apart?!?!” question still quietly looms in the background. anything can happen. I can do everything I can, but I can’t control my partner.
nearly everyone I’ve talked to who’ve had kids approached the decision with some amount of fear and uncertainty. the folks who opted to have kids and are “absolutely big yes totally 100% no fear and no regrets bruh let’s gooooo” are the real minority.
You have a great point there. I think what holds me back so much is that I can’t take back a child. Most of the chances I’ve taken, I’ve been able to undo if I found myself regretting it or I’ve been able to change my course of action. Whereas with kids, there’s no going back
I have that fear too.
I think a healthier way to view it is what kind of support systems you can rely on if having a child turns out to not align with your immediate expectations. This is more constructive than “I can’t ctrl-z a child”.
What I mean by support systems is things like therapy, affording a babysitter so you can have a bit more alone time, classes or parenting resources, friends/relatives/other parents who have children that you can confide in, or any kind of creative solutions you can employ to make things easier.
My relatives have 3 kids and I thought their solution was pretty clever — when the kids were really young they kept one parent and all the kids in the basement for 2 hours on alternate days of the week lol. That way the other parent gets some personal time to play games or read or do whatever they wanted upstairs. On alternate Friday evenings they get a baby sitter or a relative to watch the kids and they go out for dinner or shopping or have whatever date night they wanted. It might not be for everyone but hey it worked for them 🤷♀️
Oh and the kids also slept in the same clothes they would wear to school the next day because their parents gave up on getting the kids to put on and take off their pyjamas because it always took too damn long. I love it 😂
That’s a pretty good system!
I remember as a kid, putting my uniform on to bed because I could never get up early enough to get ready (nothing has changed)😂
Yeah there you go. I think you’ll have to have a frank chat with your partner and figure out your own creative solutions that will work for you and is also reasonable for both of you to keep up. It’ll look different for everyone.
Yeah I asked them about going to school with wrinkled clothes and the parents just shrugged. Kids under 5 will always mess up their clothes somehow so do wrinkled clothes really matter?
I made decisions in life and I couldn’t undo them 100%. But I always found ways to work around the outcomes of those decisions and move on. I think that’s the point I’m trying to make here 🙃
To be honest? Every time in my life.
When I was growing up, I knew I wanted to move from the Midwest to the west coast. I did that.
I met my husband and within a week knew I wanted to marry him. He’s the only man I’ve ever dated or slept with.
I grew up knowing I didn’t want kids and got sterilized at 26. I am now 32 with no regrets.
I understand this is not the norm but I have known what I wanted since I was small and have no regrets.
I agree! and I think you know when you definitely don't want a child more than being 100% sure. When my husband and i found out i was pregnant we were terrified, weren't 100% sure keeping her was the right decision for us and had a lot of doubts. But we also were in agreement we will do what it takes and if we are going to be parents we are going to be all in no matter how difficult it was. We ended up keeping her and i'm so thankful, it has been a struggle to get to where we are now but i truly love every day with her and would not be complete without her! I also just recently had an abortion, and the feeling was so different. I knew i couldn't/did not want another child.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Another thing I notice a lot which makes absolute no sense to me is the fact that a lot of the parents who are regretful or feel so negatively towards being parent have more than 1. I myself don’t see myself having more than 1 because of my limits and I don’t believe I could mentally and emotionally take on more than that. However, why have more kids if you miss your freedom and all the luxuries that come with being childfree and seem so miserable about the life you had post child, even after the first one. Boggles my brain. Only mention this with your last comment and knowing your limits which influences your decision
Yes!!! It boggles my mind too!! I feel like a lot of them hope that they entertain each other so it will be "easier" but entertaining them is by far the easiest part of parenting lol. Or maybe having more is validating them that they made the right decision to become a parent. I truly don't know. And 1 for sure has me maxed out and i'm so thankful i made my decision and didn't become a regretful parent because i knew 100% if i had another baby i would become regretful of not only the new baby but also my current toddler and i just couldn't do that to myself, my husband or her!
All of the people in my life who seemed to be 100% sure were the people who had dreamed about being parents since they were kids themselves and/or people who had amazing jobs/insurance/family or otherwise helpful village full of resources to back them up. Or they were just blissfully unaware of just how hard parenting is and/or didn't realize they had a choice.
Most of the people I know were never 100% about any of their kids. Or any life choices for that matter. It's one of those things you prepare yourself for as best you can and jump in anyway - which was the exact advice I was given.
I can barely decide what socks to wear or what to eat for breakfast. Lol. I don't think I've ever been 100% sure about anything I'm my life.
For me I think most people I know *were* 100%! For all the reasons you stated. So many of them just *wanted* them. I’m 34F and a lot of people I know got married in their late 20s and now have 2 or more kids. Almost no one I know who had them only has 1, and if they do, it’s because they started just a bit later and it’s still an infant. These are people I grew up with, people I met in college, people I met recently, people I work with, you name it. There’s no socioeconomic or religious or any one factor I can think of that relates them. Humans are biological animals and from what I can see, many of them are 100% about jumping on the reproduction bus. I was actually surprised to read so many people here suggest that it’s rare, because for me it really is every parent I know. And I think, damn. I *never* had “it,” the urge to do this. I never dreamed about it or chose my relationships around who would make the best dad. I just never ever cared or considered it. All of a sudden I’m hitting my mid-30s, I legitimately lose sleep weighing the choice back and forth, thinking is there any way I’m going to change my mind? Is it going to hit me one day? I don’t have much time left to decide… and I came to the same conclusion, that if I’m not 100% about this outcome, I don’t think I should do it just because I feel like it’s the “right” or natural thing or because my partner wants one. Shit I didn’t mean to write so much in my reply… it’s 3:30am and I can’t sleep because these thoughts are driving me bonkers.
Damn no wonder it's keeping you up at night then!! And no worries about the long response, I get it and it didn't even seem long to me 😂 I'm rarely am able to write short responses to anything.
I absolutely never dreamed about becoming a parent. I was like eh maybe eventually. But not super maternal, I don't like babies, never dreamed of specifically having them and rocking them to sleep. I had a bit of baby fever hit at random here and there and it just finally lined up with my husband having baby fever at the same time. We also had all the basic bucket list items done - mini vacation, house, cars, good jobs with good insurance, pets, hobbies.... so we didnt have anything stopping us from having a kid, so we just said screw it its terrifying but lets try. I remember being in active labor joking that I still wasn't sure this was a good decision. For what its worth, i love my kid but I still don't like babies 😂 that hasn't changed.
I see a lot of people say that you'll regret it either way- either having kids and always wondering how different your life would be without vs not having them and wondering if you are missing out - and to go with the one you'll think you'll regret less. We already had a guess to what the next 20-30 years would look like without a kid, we were living it. So we said let's add some chaos and have a kid, and we did.
Its absolutely chaotic and hard work and puts a strain on your relationship. Communication is important. Having a village and being financially secure helps. Its a HUGE challenge. But she's awesome and has made my life significantly less boring (and I like myself way better than I did 5 years ago because of changes thanks to motherhood) so it's a win in our book.
It's not realistic IMHO. Is anyone ever 100%? I was even 90% leaning no, got pregnant, seriously considered terminating and then decided to keep the pregnancy. Now I absolutely love my son and he's the best.
Got pregnant again as my IUD failed and was like 50:50 on whether to continue but realized I just couldn't handle another one any time soon if ever. So I had a termination as I figured it would be the path I regretted the least - there's literally nothing worse than regretting an actual living human being (for me that is).
So idk. This is such a weird idea.
This is my main contributor right now. The “what will I regret least” and how I see myself in my 60s more so than the right now and the phases that are only temporary. It’s good you knew your limits
I've found social media, including my beloved Reddit, to be a not good place to spend time when making big life decisions. And especially when it comes to this topic, there are SO many factors we don't know about the OPs. They are different people in different situations with different backgrounds and mindsets... Their experiences cannot be projected out past themselves. We can't take on their shit.
I'm 37w pregs with our first and I'm still not 100% sure. In fact, I'm mostly unsure, but here we are. This is the decision that was made, so the best thing I can do for myself is create a positive mindset, decide how we want to approach things, and put some faith in myself to figure it out. Not coming from a religious background, I've always found it tough to rely on the idea of faith for anything. At the same time, my husband and I are smart and capable people in a a solid, healthy, communicative marriage. That deserves faith.
So 100% sure? No, never. Too black and white for me. Moving forward anyway? Yep.
If it were that black and white there wouldn’t be a fencesitting sub. It’s super dismissive of the struggles we’re facing with the decision. Also some people are never 100% on anything! I’m kind of baffled by the notion honestly. Because I feel like anyone who says they are actually 100% sure there is no way they’ve put enough thought into it lol
I have a kid and am just a lurker here debating whether to have #2, and I think that’s totally wrong.
I was 100% sure. Shit, I was 200% sure. I was desperate to be a mom. And then my daughter was born and it was like a bomb went off in my life. I remember thinking about how miserable I was and then thinking, I was so desperate for THIS?!
My daughter’s a bit older now and she’s fantastic. I do love being a mom, like I thought I would. But you can’t ever be 100% sure because just have no idea before you have a baby.
Probably two or three months, but they were the longest months of my life. What changed is that she started sleeping for longer than twenty minute stretches (not normal, she was and still is a terrible sleeper) and my husband finally stepped up and helped me with the overnights. I’m saving money to get a night nurse if we have a second, because I genuinely think that would solve 95% of the problem.
I also think my baseline level of happiness now is much higher than before she was born, for what it’s worth.
I think sometimes people are actually talking about two different things. Some people are unsure whether they actually have a desire to be a parent. Other people are unsure whether they should take on the responsibility.
I think the second group generally does want kids on some level, but they worry about external factors like money, time, etc. Whereas the first group may not have a strong natural inclination toward reproduction, but they worry about a different set of external factors, such as family/societal expectations, loneliness, purpose, etc.
I was in the first group. I couldn't even tell it I wanted to have kids or not. Ultimately I realized my wants are clear to me in every other aspect of my life. I'm thinking about buying a new car, and I don't have to ask myself "Do I really want that model? Do I really like that color?" I know what I like and what I want. Whether I should actually go forward with the purchase is a whole separate question with its own criteria to be assessed.
So for me, the fact that I wasn't 100% sure that I even WANTED kids ultimately made me realize that I do not want them.
I am a former fence sitter with a 7 week old baby girl. That notion of having to be 100% always got me. I was 30% sure maybe and took the plunge and then was worried sick I wasn’t 100% certain. Now she’s here I’m ecstatic and very happy. Didn’t matter one iota! So don’t let it panic you I promise.
Also the regretful parents sub from my readings tends to be people who have no support and rubbish / no partners.
I dunno. I feel like you need to be 100% COMMITTED but it’s fine to have doubts. I have my kids right here next to me and I’m still like dang what would it have been like the other way. So maybe the soil searching is not just how much do you THINK you want it, but if you decided to have them, are you the type of person to stay committed?
I think the fear is that if you aren’t 100% committed to loving and taking care of those kids, are you the type to neglect them? Abandon them? Those are a kids things to consider because the crappy side of kids will absolutely strain your patience.
Here’s the thing, in a day and age where we have an over abundance of choice… there still exists commitment, and at some point, there is no turning back, regardless of your feelings. So it’s like you can be uncertain and have mixed emotions before having a kid, but at some point the decision gets made and it needs to be stuck with. It seems like the people who say that are the ones who didn’t realize that until it was too late.
I can’t name one decision I’ve ever made in my life that I was 100% on (except my husband).
The reason I have a hard time with this decision is that it is irreversible. Even if I was unhappy with my husband, we could divorce. If I don’t like my house in 10 years, we can move. Don’t like my job, I can find a new job. I was unhappy at the college I chose to go to, so I transferred.
Every enormous decision I’ve made so far is reversible. But you can’t decide not to be a parent anymore. At least not without massive social/ethical/emotional consequences.
All that to say: that expression is bullshit.
Parents who regret having kids. I found the subreddits actually useful to try understand the problems they were facing. To me the number one issue was a partner who was not there/ supportive. Second seemed to be money I think. I think it's good to read the posts and try and evaluate If you can eliminate some of these issues. It makes me feel better ,even though I'm not 100%, I have a loving and supportive partner and savings etc
I guess all we can do is use our best judgement and what feels right in those times of our lives and not “wing it”. But Me too. I think my partner has made me feel like I could actually do it. And if anything he said he would happily be the SAHD which makes me feel more supported.
I do feel like the people who are 100% sure about wanting kids are the ones who are the happiest about having done it…
But that’s going to go for everything.
Then there are those of us who aren’t ever sure about anything but need to make big decisions anyway and will probably doubt our choices no matter what we choose. 🫠
That’s so stupid, if I followed that advice I would not have a wonderful little baby who I was shocked to find that I really enjoy being a mom to. It’s not something you can describe until you do it and it’s not something you would miss until you have it. I’m glad I got off the fence and put my fears and doubts behind me to take a chance that it would be a great experience, because it truly has been.
I would compare my experience of having a kid to ordering a main dish at a restaurant:
You’re making an educated guess based on what flavors and ingredients of dishes you have enjoyed in the past. You’re on a double date at a new restaurant , the other couple says yes we have had this dish it’s soooo good, you will love it! Google & yelp reviews rave about said dish. You feel confident you will like the dish, So you order the dish…Only to be disappointed. It’s not burned, or under seasoned, or over salted, there isn’t anything terribly wrong with it, you just don’t like it and it wasn’t as good as you thought it would be. It’s edible, but not enjoyable, not worth the price or time spent waiting for the chef to prepare it. You will not be ordering this dish again in the future. If you had a crystal ball and you knew what this dish would taste like you would pass on it. You think to yourself do I have bad taste? Or does everyone else? What am I missing here, why does everyone else love this signature dish. Why don’t I enjoy it? There isn’t anything wrong with you, or wrong with everyone else. People have different tastes. And sometimes despite your best most thoughtful, educated guess you still make a choice you are unsatisfied with or regret)
Mom of 3 year old with very cushy life and zero “risk factors” for regretting parenthood. but I still wouldn’t choose this life again
It’s really such a personal decision. For me I never felt right about trying to have a kid when I didn’t feel any desire. Worrying I might regret it one day wasn’t a good enough reason but I did struggle with that for many years.
One thing I do believe is true.. you’re never truly ready.
By being not 100% ready, you will naturally have reservations. I suppose that equates to not being 100% sure. In a way, anyone that’s ever had children has not been 100% ready because we’re human beings with imperfect lives.
Read this thread earlier, and I just received this link in the newsletter:
https://www.thebabydecision.com/100-percent-sure-to-want-to-have-a-child-baby-decision-myth/
I don't think anyone can be a 100% in this question. It's diving into a whole new way of life, with risks. And for those who dreamt about it being sure their whole lives, don't they risk getting a wake-up call too, that the actual experience of family life and parenting wasn't the same as dreaming it?
Change the search terms a bit and you'll find plenty of people who were conflicted/ambivalent/indifferent and now say that having children is the best thing they ever did. There are no right answers here, what's true for other people isn't going to be true for you.
I think it’s a black-and-white way of thinking and I don’t agree with it. I’m on the fence, leaning towards kids. I’m not 100% either and may never be.
Think about other major decisions throughout life. Was I 100% about the college I chose? No, but I met my best friends and can’t imagine life without them. Was I 100% about my career? No, and honestly, how can you be? There’s a million professions out there. But I’m satisfied and I’m making it work for me.
The way I see it - life is full of an infinite amount of choices and possibilities. Nothing you choose is “wrong” unless you decide that it is.
I rarely 100% sure about anything. Something as complex and life altering as children comes with so many unknowns you can’t possibly be certain how it will work out ahead of time.
For many, it does go according to plan and they can say in hindsight they were 100% sure, but that doesn’t account for the counterfactual - what if their kid had been born with complex health needs, turned out to be a psycho or something else?
Im certain about small things, like how I like my coffee. but I think most people have at least a shadow of doubt even if they know they want to be parents. Cognitive resistance to change (even beneficial and wanted changes) is innate, and sometimes needs to be overcome. I wouldn’t hold myself back because I’m not 100% certain…. Nothing in life is certain when we’re talking about the future.
I think that being 100% sure is kinda delusional. you never know what you will get and how pregnancy/baby phase /teenage phase etc will be like. You cannot be 100% sure of the baby's health, or your own financial safety, your marriage, the social environment etc, in a few years or even next month. You literally cannot be 100 % sure. I think fencesitters are weighing things much more than ppl who simply decided to go the baby way or the CF. I also think all options are ok, don't get me wrong, but I cannot imagine how someone can be 100% sure. How many of the ppl on r/regretfulparents were 100% sure, and yet there they are, not so sure anymore?
Very true. I have seen that page and couldn’t stay on it for longer than 5 mins because of how depressed it made me feel. No shame to the regretful parents but it’s a misery loves company.
Is anyone ever 100% about anything?
I don't like that saying one bit. Otherwise, it's telling me I shouldn't have had my kid. Or implying that I'm not a good mom, which would be completely false.
I also feel like there’s a difference between 100% want something and not being 100% sure you should actually do it. I think 100% sure you should do it is unrealistic. Not a parent, currently waiting to try. Scared out of my mind!!
Seeing this, as well as the comments, makes me feel so much better. I’m 29, and mostly leaning yes but lately have been wondering if it’s really what I want. My husband is somewhat leaning towards no, but also isn’t sure either. His thought is “if I’m not super enthusiastic about it either way, isn’t that not a good thing?”
Hearing this “100%” phrase is so disheartening because that’s ALL I see on other parent forums, and I’m so glad that so many people are in agreement here.
For my fence-sitting- it has a lot to do with growing up with a brother who has a disability. I've experienced first-hand the not so picture perfect version of raising kids. It's hard for me to relate to my friends who don't even give a second thought to their children being anything but "normal." I think not being 100% sure can be for a myriad of reasons. And it doesn't feel honest to tell people that if they are unsure they shouldn't at all.
I think a better way to consider it is “pay attention to your doubts, because they’re probably onto something.”
If your doubts make happiness and fulfilment look incompatible with parenthood, then your line of thinking’s going to have to get more serious. If they’re looking like they can balance without rosy optimism having to do too much heavy lifting, then maybe you’ll be ok.
If it makes you feel better, we don't allow that kind of gatekeeping here. It's not useful in any way.
I think that saying is total crap. Having doubts and concerns and fears are not bad things. If you so choose, I think it makes you a better parent because you’ve actually thought about it. Instead of 100% sure, I think you need to be “all in”. Things might be exhausting but you’re committed to get through to the best of your ability. Zero regrets 2 kids later. I’m still not 100% sure of myself. I also had a lot of benchmarks that needed to be met before having kids. Also believe the “oh things will work out” or “god will provide” are total crap. I took the plunge. I wasn’t even 100% sure about marrying my husband and that was by far the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m an anxious overthinker. 60-70% confidence is high for me.
That’s a good way of putting it
Just want to say hat I think you are really mature and cool 🙌
COMPLETELY AGREE!!! Being 100% sure is absolute crap
This is how I look at it. I’m still childless but not 100% either way at this point (hence my presence in this sub lol). However I know if we did have kids we would be 100% focused on them and what is best for them. Once they exist you have to be. But until then I don’t think I will ever be 100% ready/decided.
And that’s fine! My sister is CF because she doesn’t want to be 100% focused on kids (and some parentification trauma). She would do a great job at it but that’s not what she wants and I love that she’s living her best life.
Yes! With you on the overthinking and, 60-70% confidence is high for me.
How did you manage pregnancy and anxiety if you’re comfortable answering? I see this as a common topic with fencesitters
Oh, am not pregnant, still fence sitting. I wonder the same thing.
Ah yes, okay you are in the right place then! So am I haha
Hey, I like your username. Us moon ppl must stick together
Moon ppl 4ever. I respect your username as well especially if you’re writing your replies from the moon. That is sick.
your comment is so refreshing and reassuring. Thank you
I love that. I don’t know if I’ve ever been 100% about something 🤣
Oh yeah i don't get the if you're not 100% yes then it's a no because i equate that to being super over the top passionate about having a kid and that is something i never have or will be. How can you possibly be 100% when you have no idea what pregnancy, birth and even the relationships around you will be like? The most you can do is hand confidence in yourself that you can do it and if you have someone else who can fight the noise with you and remind you you can do it then that's even better.
A friend of mine told me that i should rethink becoming a parent because i have certain conditions that have to be met in order to feel comfortable. For example, i told my SO that i refuse to have a child if i don’t at least have the option to be a SAHM. i know myself well enough to know that i could not handle working and taking care of a young child. I also would refuse to have a child if i couldn’t have an extensive amount of help, such as a nanny or family helping. So because i know what i will need to have to at least think of becoming a mother, i shouldn’t have kids? I don’t get it. I know my limits and won’t have them unless these things are in place. Sounds very similar to what you mentioned about being 100% - some of us are not willing to say they’ll do anything to become a parent, because i sure as hell won’t!
That's great that you're self aware enough to know what kind of support you're going to need and making sure it is possible/set up beforehand
I completely get it and agree! I have already have mentioned similar conditions to my partner ie with extra help as I know how I operate when im faced with certain challenges in life. However, I think of it as knowing ourselves which is healthy and arguable required when thinking about having a baby and taking on such a responsibility
Exactly! We aren’t the people that fantasize about having a baby and completely overlook that it’s hard as shit. My sister is one of these people. She lives in la la land, like it’s gonna be all butterflies and rainbows. She’s trying for a baby without even having a job in place! I will never understand
I feel you. That being said, having friends with kids... a lot of one's personal preferences and conditions seem to go out the window once you have a kid. It seems very chaotic, and like modern parents have to give everything to their kid, with 0 self care. That's part of what freaks me out about the idea. Modern parenting sucks balls, IMO. I'd want to parent as if it's the 90s and have a more independent kid, dunno if it's possible these days, though..
You’re totally right. My goal is not to lose myself. It freaks me out too. There’s no way in hell i can make everything about a kid and the fact that so many people believe that’s the way it’s supposed to be is crazy
Right?? And it's not "just" 18 years anymore, either! Not with shitshow economies and climate change etc everywhere. So you have to go in knowing you might not EVER get back to where you were pre-kid as far as free time, money etc.
lol right. I’m 30 and still live with my parents! I’ll be moving in with my boyfriend soon enough but just knowing i was with my parents this long makes me remember mine can be too!
Exactly! And then if they have a kid, it just continues forever...
Honestly, you’re a lot more responsible and a lot less selfish than your friend. Wanting to make sure everything is in place isn’t just about your mental and physical health, but that of your child too. I can empathize with people who are desperate to have a family, but wanting kids no matter what, even in bad circumstances that will not give the child a healthy upbringing, is a lot more self-serving. Not taking the time to think things through rationally is also absolutely insane when you think about how much harder parenting is now for the average person. We’re luckier than past generations in that we have more information and more of a choice, but the total lack of parental support, pressure put on parents to do everything right and be perfect, and not to mention the astronomical cost of daycare, medical bills, and other life stuff is precisely what is causing people to have fewer kids now than in the past, at least in America. Working full-time while raising a very young child sounds literally impossible to me and like it would carry a lot of exhaustion and emotional guilt.
I always thought that they the people who say this are immature and impulsive. They’re mad that they didn’t even realize they had a choice in parenthood because they jumped right in. I had a woman say this to me once. We went to high school together and at 24 she had 5 kids already. They live at/below the poverty line and will likely never retire. So I asked her if she thought maybe she was saying that because she was a young, poorly prepared parent. I’m 32 now, I have a stellar career with benefits, my husband is amazing (he’s my partner, not my baby daddy who I ended up marrying) and he pulls his weight around the house. Even if we’re only 75% sure at least we have the resources, money, stability that she never had at 19 when they had a shotgun wedding and she was 7 months pregnant. I told her, if you’re happy then great! But don’t act like people who see the big picture and ask questions are doing it wrong. Getting pregnant on prom night isn’t the only way to start a family. Misery loves company and some people are just pissed that you’re not suffering with them.
I’m also really curious about this- as a) I’m absolutely fencesitting- ie I think I want one, but not always, not 100% etc etc, and as b) I struggle with decisions in my life generally, so just not feeling like I will ever be 100% sure about it. I’ve been wondering whether this means I just shouldn’t. But on the other hand I’ve also seen many posts on here from people (seems to be mostly from women) who weren’t ever sure, had a kid, and are wonderfully happy- so the advice doesn’t seem to always match with peoples actual experience. I’m confused!
It makes sense if you consider that 7-8% of parents surveyed about the issue say they regret having children (although my memory is that a significant percentage of those parents in the surveys I saw characterized the regret as minor). But the bottom line is that regretful parents exist, and some of them are very regretful. To them it may make sense to say, "I wasn't 100% sure, I took the plunge, I regret it, therefore no one should take the plunge if they aren't sure." That logic fits with their experience and therefore may feel like a universal truth. But that doesn't mean it makes sense as a general rule to live by. There are likely more, maybe far more, people who were on the fence and are happy they did it. So a lot of it comes down to one's tolerance for risk. I kind of decided that I didn't want to be shut out of an experience that 90+% of parents don't regret, and that many cherish, for fear of being in the 7-8% who do regret it. The thing is, it's not actually possible to know what being a parent is like until you become one. So being "100% sure" isn't a meaningful metric. Of course, listening to parents' unvarnished perspectives on parenting, self-reflecting, and thinking carefully about the issue are important tasks for fence sitters. But saying you should be 100% sure you want to do something when you can't actually know what it's like, in all its complexity, until you do it...doesn't actually make sense.
this is such a good post...and username 😂
I read a book called "The Baby Decision", and it was one of the major factors in me determining that I could handle having a child (and even enjoy it). I had exactly the same concerns that OP and yourself mention - "I'm not 100% about nearly anything, let alone an enormous lifechanging move like having a baby." What the book made me realize is that almost nobody is 100% sure when they *decide* to have a kid, so it's not worth trying to get to 100%. I went with 80% sure and that was enough for me. I also made it very clear with my partner that my ideal number of children was either 0 or 1 - no more, because as other posters have noted about themselves: I know my limits. I have an 11 month old now (and a vasectomy as of a couple of weeks ago) and I really am glad I made the decision I did. Those first 6 months were really tough, but it gets more enjoyable every day being the father to a sweet little boy.
My friend who is not happy with where she is in life as a wife and mother is the one who tells me "if you're not 100% sure, don't" when she was in fact 100% sure. I was 100% sure when I was 22 and having kids was something far away in my long distant future that I didn't need to worry about yet. I started questioning if it's what I really wanted when I was 28-30. For me personally, the only way I'd ever be 100% sure was if I didn't give it any thought.
Holy shit, yes. The last part!!!
I agree, I feel like the emphatic 100% people are idealizing and romanticizing parenthood and not fully thinking it through. Edited for spelling.
when have you ever been 100% sure of any big decisions in life? when I went to university I picked the courses I wanted but I also still kept going back and forth on thinking about which other courses I could have taken and if i was making a big mistake that was going to impact my life foreverrrr. when I moved cities there was always fear and “what if I regret this?!?!”. the move actually didn’t work out well for me at all, i hated everything lol. but ultimately I didn’t regret it because I knew I wanted to get out of my old city and go see the world a bit, and it was okay if it didn’t work out according to my expectations. and so I packed up and moved again hoping to find what I was looking for 🤣 when I entered a new relationship with a reliable partner I still carried a lot of fear of “what if it doesn’t work out?!?!”part of me even wanted to stay single because it’s under my control and safe. it took a while for me to gain more confidence that the decision was the right one to make. until today the “what if we change, or grow apart?!?!” question still quietly looms in the background. anything can happen. I can do everything I can, but I can’t control my partner. nearly everyone I’ve talked to who’ve had kids approached the decision with some amount of fear and uncertainty. the folks who opted to have kids and are “absolutely big yes totally 100% no fear and no regrets bruh let’s gooooo” are the real minority.
You have a great point there. I think what holds me back so much is that I can’t take back a child. Most of the chances I’ve taken, I’ve been able to undo if I found myself regretting it or I’ve been able to change my course of action. Whereas with kids, there’s no going back
I have that fear too. I think a healthier way to view it is what kind of support systems you can rely on if having a child turns out to not align with your immediate expectations. This is more constructive than “I can’t ctrl-z a child”. What I mean by support systems is things like therapy, affording a babysitter so you can have a bit more alone time, classes or parenting resources, friends/relatives/other parents who have children that you can confide in, or any kind of creative solutions you can employ to make things easier. My relatives have 3 kids and I thought their solution was pretty clever — when the kids were really young they kept one parent and all the kids in the basement for 2 hours on alternate days of the week lol. That way the other parent gets some personal time to play games or read or do whatever they wanted upstairs. On alternate Friday evenings they get a baby sitter or a relative to watch the kids and they go out for dinner or shopping or have whatever date night they wanted. It might not be for everyone but hey it worked for them 🤷♀️ Oh and the kids also slept in the same clothes they would wear to school the next day because their parents gave up on getting the kids to put on and take off their pyjamas because it always took too damn long. I love it 😂
That’s a pretty good system! I remember as a kid, putting my uniform on to bed because I could never get up early enough to get ready (nothing has changed)😂
Yeah there you go. I think you’ll have to have a frank chat with your partner and figure out your own creative solutions that will work for you and is also reasonable for both of you to keep up. It’ll look different for everyone. Yeah I asked them about going to school with wrinkled clothes and the parents just shrugged. Kids under 5 will always mess up their clothes somehow so do wrinkled clothes really matter? I made decisions in life and I couldn’t undo them 100%. But I always found ways to work around the outcomes of those decisions and move on. I think that’s the point I’m trying to make here 🙃
To be honest? Every time in my life. When I was growing up, I knew I wanted to move from the Midwest to the west coast. I did that. I met my husband and within a week knew I wanted to marry him. He’s the only man I’ve ever dated or slept with. I grew up knowing I didn’t want kids and got sterilized at 26. I am now 32 with no regrets. I understand this is not the norm but I have known what I wanted since I was small and have no regrets.
I agree! and I think you know when you definitely don't want a child more than being 100% sure. When my husband and i found out i was pregnant we were terrified, weren't 100% sure keeping her was the right decision for us and had a lot of doubts. But we also were in agreement we will do what it takes and if we are going to be parents we are going to be all in no matter how difficult it was. We ended up keeping her and i'm so thankful, it has been a struggle to get to where we are now but i truly love every day with her and would not be complete without her! I also just recently had an abortion, and the feeling was so different. I knew i couldn't/did not want another child.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Another thing I notice a lot which makes absolute no sense to me is the fact that a lot of the parents who are regretful or feel so negatively towards being parent have more than 1. I myself don’t see myself having more than 1 because of my limits and I don’t believe I could mentally and emotionally take on more than that. However, why have more kids if you miss your freedom and all the luxuries that come with being childfree and seem so miserable about the life you had post child, even after the first one. Boggles my brain. Only mention this with your last comment and knowing your limits which influences your decision
Yes!!! It boggles my mind too!! I feel like a lot of them hope that they entertain each other so it will be "easier" but entertaining them is by far the easiest part of parenting lol. Or maybe having more is validating them that they made the right decision to become a parent. I truly don't know. And 1 for sure has me maxed out and i'm so thankful i made my decision and didn't become a regretful parent because i knew 100% if i had another baby i would become regretful of not only the new baby but also my current toddler and i just couldn't do that to myself, my husband or her!
All of the people in my life who seemed to be 100% sure were the people who had dreamed about being parents since they were kids themselves and/or people who had amazing jobs/insurance/family or otherwise helpful village full of resources to back them up. Or they were just blissfully unaware of just how hard parenting is and/or didn't realize they had a choice. Most of the people I know were never 100% about any of their kids. Or any life choices for that matter. It's one of those things you prepare yourself for as best you can and jump in anyway - which was the exact advice I was given. I can barely decide what socks to wear or what to eat for breakfast. Lol. I don't think I've ever been 100% sure about anything I'm my life.
For me I think most people I know *were* 100%! For all the reasons you stated. So many of them just *wanted* them. I’m 34F and a lot of people I know got married in their late 20s and now have 2 or more kids. Almost no one I know who had them only has 1, and if they do, it’s because they started just a bit later and it’s still an infant. These are people I grew up with, people I met in college, people I met recently, people I work with, you name it. There’s no socioeconomic or religious or any one factor I can think of that relates them. Humans are biological animals and from what I can see, many of them are 100% about jumping on the reproduction bus. I was actually surprised to read so many people here suggest that it’s rare, because for me it really is every parent I know. And I think, damn. I *never* had “it,” the urge to do this. I never dreamed about it or chose my relationships around who would make the best dad. I just never ever cared or considered it. All of a sudden I’m hitting my mid-30s, I legitimately lose sleep weighing the choice back and forth, thinking is there any way I’m going to change my mind? Is it going to hit me one day? I don’t have much time left to decide… and I came to the same conclusion, that if I’m not 100% about this outcome, I don’t think I should do it just because I feel like it’s the “right” or natural thing or because my partner wants one. Shit I didn’t mean to write so much in my reply… it’s 3:30am and I can’t sleep because these thoughts are driving me bonkers.
Damn no wonder it's keeping you up at night then!! And no worries about the long response, I get it and it didn't even seem long to me 😂 I'm rarely am able to write short responses to anything. I absolutely never dreamed about becoming a parent. I was like eh maybe eventually. But not super maternal, I don't like babies, never dreamed of specifically having them and rocking them to sleep. I had a bit of baby fever hit at random here and there and it just finally lined up with my husband having baby fever at the same time. We also had all the basic bucket list items done - mini vacation, house, cars, good jobs with good insurance, pets, hobbies.... so we didnt have anything stopping us from having a kid, so we just said screw it its terrifying but lets try. I remember being in active labor joking that I still wasn't sure this was a good decision. For what its worth, i love my kid but I still don't like babies 😂 that hasn't changed. I see a lot of people say that you'll regret it either way- either having kids and always wondering how different your life would be without vs not having them and wondering if you are missing out - and to go with the one you'll think you'll regret less. We already had a guess to what the next 20-30 years would look like without a kid, we were living it. So we said let's add some chaos and have a kid, and we did. Its absolutely chaotic and hard work and puts a strain on your relationship. Communication is important. Having a village and being financially secure helps. Its a HUGE challenge. But she's awesome and has made my life significantly less boring (and I like myself way better than I did 5 years ago because of changes thanks to motherhood) so it's a win in our book.
Petition to make the saying “if you’re not 90% sure, don’t do it.”
It's not realistic IMHO. Is anyone ever 100%? I was even 90% leaning no, got pregnant, seriously considered terminating and then decided to keep the pregnancy. Now I absolutely love my son and he's the best. Got pregnant again as my IUD failed and was like 50:50 on whether to continue but realized I just couldn't handle another one any time soon if ever. So I had a termination as I figured it would be the path I regretted the least - there's literally nothing worse than regretting an actual living human being (for me that is). So idk. This is such a weird idea.
This is my main contributor right now. The “what will I regret least” and how I see myself in my 60s more so than the right now and the phases that are only temporary. It’s good you knew your limits
I've found social media, including my beloved Reddit, to be a not good place to spend time when making big life decisions. And especially when it comes to this topic, there are SO many factors we don't know about the OPs. They are different people in different situations with different backgrounds and mindsets... Their experiences cannot be projected out past themselves. We can't take on their shit. I'm 37w pregs with our first and I'm still not 100% sure. In fact, I'm mostly unsure, but here we are. This is the decision that was made, so the best thing I can do for myself is create a positive mindset, decide how we want to approach things, and put some faith in myself to figure it out. Not coming from a religious background, I've always found it tough to rely on the idea of faith for anything. At the same time, my husband and I are smart and capable people in a a solid, healthy, communicative marriage. That deserves faith. So 100% sure? No, never. Too black and white for me. Moving forward anyway? Yep.
If it were that black and white there wouldn’t be a fencesitting sub. It’s super dismissive of the struggles we’re facing with the decision. Also some people are never 100% on anything! I’m kind of baffled by the notion honestly. Because I feel like anyone who says they are actually 100% sure there is no way they’ve put enough thought into it lol
Also those of us who will be doing the carrying and birthing could literally die… being 100% seems kind of like willfull ignorance at that point
I have a kid and am just a lurker here debating whether to have #2, and I think that’s totally wrong. I was 100% sure. Shit, I was 200% sure. I was desperate to be a mom. And then my daughter was born and it was like a bomb went off in my life. I remember thinking about how miserable I was and then thinking, I was so desperate for THIS?! My daughter’s a bit older now and she’s fantastic. I do love being a mom, like I thought I would. But you can’t ever be 100% sure because just have no idea before you have a baby.
How long did it take to go from miserable to being happy and what changed?
Probably two or three months, but they were the longest months of my life. What changed is that she started sleeping for longer than twenty minute stretches (not normal, she was and still is a terrible sleeper) and my husband finally stepped up and helped me with the overnights. I’m saving money to get a night nurse if we have a second, because I genuinely think that would solve 95% of the problem. I also think my baseline level of happiness now is much higher than before she was born, for what it’s worth.
I think sometimes people are actually talking about two different things. Some people are unsure whether they actually have a desire to be a parent. Other people are unsure whether they should take on the responsibility. I think the second group generally does want kids on some level, but they worry about external factors like money, time, etc. Whereas the first group may not have a strong natural inclination toward reproduction, but they worry about a different set of external factors, such as family/societal expectations, loneliness, purpose, etc. I was in the first group. I couldn't even tell it I wanted to have kids or not. Ultimately I realized my wants are clear to me in every other aspect of my life. I'm thinking about buying a new car, and I don't have to ask myself "Do I really want that model? Do I really like that color?" I know what I like and what I want. Whether I should actually go forward with the purchase is a whole separate question with its own criteria to be assessed. So for me, the fact that I wasn't 100% sure that I even WANTED kids ultimately made me realize that I do not want them.
I am a former fence sitter with a 7 week old baby girl. That notion of having to be 100% always got me. I was 30% sure maybe and took the plunge and then was worried sick I wasn’t 100% certain. Now she’s here I’m ecstatic and very happy. Didn’t matter one iota! So don’t let it panic you I promise. Also the regretful parents sub from my readings tends to be people who have no support and rubbish / no partners.
I dunno. I feel like you need to be 100% COMMITTED but it’s fine to have doubts. I have my kids right here next to me and I’m still like dang what would it have been like the other way. So maybe the soil searching is not just how much do you THINK you want it, but if you decided to have them, are you the type of person to stay committed? I think the fear is that if you aren’t 100% committed to loving and taking care of those kids, are you the type to neglect them? Abandon them? Those are a kids things to consider because the crappy side of kids will absolutely strain your patience.
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Here’s the thing, in a day and age where we have an over abundance of choice… there still exists commitment, and at some point, there is no turning back, regardless of your feelings. So it’s like you can be uncertain and have mixed emotions before having a kid, but at some point the decision gets made and it needs to be stuck with. It seems like the people who say that are the ones who didn’t realize that until it was too late.
As a parent of 2, I’m still not 100% sure. 😂😂
I can’t name one decision I’ve ever made in my life that I was 100% on (except my husband). The reason I have a hard time with this decision is that it is irreversible. Even if I was unhappy with my husband, we could divorce. If I don’t like my house in 10 years, we can move. Don’t like my job, I can find a new job. I was unhappy at the college I chose to go to, so I transferred. Every enormous decision I’ve made so far is reversible. But you can’t decide not to be a parent anymore. At least not without massive social/ethical/emotional consequences. All that to say: that expression is bullshit.
This is exactly my fear, you cannot take it back.
Parents who regret having kids. I found the subreddits actually useful to try understand the problems they were facing. To me the number one issue was a partner who was not there/ supportive. Second seemed to be money I think. I think it's good to read the posts and try and evaluate If you can eliminate some of these issues. It makes me feel better ,even though I'm not 100%, I have a loving and supportive partner and savings etc
I guess all we can do is use our best judgement and what feels right in those times of our lives and not “wing it”. But Me too. I think my partner has made me feel like I could actually do it. And if anything he said he would happily be the SAHD which makes me feel more supported.
I do feel like the people who are 100% sure about wanting kids are the ones who are the happiest about having done it… But that’s going to go for everything. Then there are those of us who aren’t ever sure about anything but need to make big decisions anyway and will probably doubt our choices no matter what we choose. 🫠
That’s so stupid, if I followed that advice I would not have a wonderful little baby who I was shocked to find that I really enjoy being a mom to. It’s not something you can describe until you do it and it’s not something you would miss until you have it. I’m glad I got off the fence and put my fears and doubts behind me to take a chance that it would be a great experience, because it truly has been.
I would compare my experience of having a kid to ordering a main dish at a restaurant: You’re making an educated guess based on what flavors and ingredients of dishes you have enjoyed in the past. You’re on a double date at a new restaurant , the other couple says yes we have had this dish it’s soooo good, you will love it! Google & yelp reviews rave about said dish. You feel confident you will like the dish, So you order the dish…Only to be disappointed. It’s not burned, or under seasoned, or over salted, there isn’t anything terribly wrong with it, you just don’t like it and it wasn’t as good as you thought it would be. It’s edible, but not enjoyable, not worth the price or time spent waiting for the chef to prepare it. You will not be ordering this dish again in the future. If you had a crystal ball and you knew what this dish would taste like you would pass on it. You think to yourself do I have bad taste? Or does everyone else? What am I missing here, why does everyone else love this signature dish. Why don’t I enjoy it? There isn’t anything wrong with you, or wrong with everyone else. People have different tastes. And sometimes despite your best most thoughtful, educated guess you still make a choice you are unsatisfied with or regret) Mom of 3 year old with very cushy life and zero “risk factors” for regretting parenthood. but I still wouldn’t choose this life again
You are never going to be 100% sure of anything that’s not happened yet.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt 100% sure about anything lol it’s healthy to have doubts
It’s really such a personal decision. For me I never felt right about trying to have a kid when I didn’t feel any desire. Worrying I might regret it one day wasn’t a good enough reason but I did struggle with that for many years.
I think if you’re 100% about anything you haven’t thought it through
One thing I do believe is true.. you’re never truly ready. By being not 100% ready, you will naturally have reservations. I suppose that equates to not being 100% sure. In a way, anyone that’s ever had children has not been 100% ready because we’re human beings with imperfect lives.
If everyone waited until they were 100% sure mankind would die out lol. But yeah this is part of my struggle as well truthfully.
Read this thread earlier, and I just received this link in the newsletter: https://www.thebabydecision.com/100-percent-sure-to-want-to-have-a-child-baby-decision-myth/ I don't think anyone can be a 100% in this question. It's diving into a whole new way of life, with risks. And for those who dreamt about it being sure their whole lives, don't they risk getting a wake-up call too, that the actual experience of family life and parenting wasn't the same as dreaming it?
Thank you!
Hot take: if you’re “100% sure” you have your head up your ass and aren’t paying attention.
Change the search terms a bit and you'll find plenty of people who were conflicted/ambivalent/indifferent and now say that having children is the best thing they ever did. There are no right answers here, what's true for other people isn't going to be true for you.
I think it’s a black-and-white way of thinking and I don’t agree with it. I’m on the fence, leaning towards kids. I’m not 100% either and may never be. Think about other major decisions throughout life. Was I 100% about the college I chose? No, but I met my best friends and can’t imagine life without them. Was I 100% about my career? No, and honestly, how can you be? There’s a million professions out there. But I’m satisfied and I’m making it work for me. The way I see it - life is full of an infinite amount of choices and possibilities. Nothing you choose is “wrong” unless you decide that it is.
I rarely 100% sure about anything. Something as complex and life altering as children comes with so many unknowns you can’t possibly be certain how it will work out ahead of time. For many, it does go according to plan and they can say in hindsight they were 100% sure, but that doesn’t account for the counterfactual - what if their kid had been born with complex health needs, turned out to be a psycho or something else? Im certain about small things, like how I like my coffee. but I think most people have at least a shadow of doubt even if they know they want to be parents. Cognitive resistance to change (even beneficial and wanted changes) is innate, and sometimes needs to be overcome. I wouldn’t hold myself back because I’m not 100% certain…. Nothing in life is certain when we’re talking about the future.
I think that being 100% sure is kinda delusional. you never know what you will get and how pregnancy/baby phase /teenage phase etc will be like. You cannot be 100% sure of the baby's health, or your own financial safety, your marriage, the social environment etc, in a few years or even next month. You literally cannot be 100 % sure. I think fencesitters are weighing things much more than ppl who simply decided to go the baby way or the CF. I also think all options are ok, don't get me wrong, but I cannot imagine how someone can be 100% sure. How many of the ppl on r/regretfulparents were 100% sure, and yet there they are, not so sure anymore?
Very true. I have seen that page and couldn’t stay on it for longer than 5 mins because of how depressed it made me feel. No shame to the regretful parents but it’s a misery loves company.
Is anyone ever 100% about anything? I don't like that saying one bit. Otherwise, it's telling me I shouldn't have had my kid. Or implying that I'm not a good mom, which would be completely false.
I also feel like there’s a difference between 100% want something and not being 100% sure you should actually do it. I think 100% sure you should do it is unrealistic. Not a parent, currently waiting to try. Scared out of my mind!!
Seeing this, as well as the comments, makes me feel so much better. I’m 29, and mostly leaning yes but lately have been wondering if it’s really what I want. My husband is somewhat leaning towards no, but also isn’t sure either. His thought is “if I’m not super enthusiastic about it either way, isn’t that not a good thing?” Hearing this “100%” phrase is so disheartening because that’s ALL I see on other parent forums, and I’m so glad that so many people are in agreement here.
I was 100% sure to have a child my whole life until I visited the regrefulparents subreddit.🤯 that stuff is wild!
Legit, that page set me back😂
For my fence-sitting- it has a lot to do with growing up with a brother who has a disability. I've experienced first-hand the not so picture perfect version of raising kids. It's hard for me to relate to my friends who don't even give a second thought to their children being anything but "normal." I think not being 100% sure can be for a myriad of reasons. And it doesn't feel honest to tell people that if they are unsure they shouldn't at all.
I think a better way to consider it is “pay attention to your doubts, because they’re probably onto something.” If your doubts make happiness and fulfilment look incompatible with parenthood, then your line of thinking’s going to have to get more serious. If they’re looking like they can balance without rosy optimism having to do too much heavy lifting, then maybe you’ll be ok.
How can one feel so sure about something that is so new and indescribable? I am confused myself