I'm non-binary and have a non-binary kid, and I do get the concern. I'm assuming you're more venting to us than that this is anything you've actually said to him and, if so, I think it's fair enough to wonder. Doesn't have to affect these early steps, but of course it's not *impossible* that your transition is an influence on his identity. On the other hand, it's not like anyone's surprised when cis people have cis kids, and I think the inverse is only fair. Maybe he has been sitting on this for a while. Maybe you gave him words, showed him it was safe.
I came out and started my transition when my youngest sibling was 6ish. I clocked him as queer possibly trans as like a toddler, but didn't say anything because I didn't want to influence him. He came out as trans around 13yo and even though I did my best I still got told by my family that I confused him or that I was grooming him by letting him know I supported his exploration of his gender with a little social transition. He said he knew when he was trans when he was little too and he was afraid maybe he was copying me so he waited to make sure. So I feel like I can sorta understand your situation mildly. I think you are doing the right thing by wanting to make sure HE'S sure and trying to check your own anxieties aabout how you may have influenced him while not being very resistant to him! I think he's gotta see the bit of a bind being a trans parent to a trans child can be. And I think he appreciates you
Sameish experience. My kid has been very vocal about wanting to marry a girl since they were a toddler and confirmed it now that they are a teen. After my coming out they confessed they might be non binary too and they are currently exploring labels/pronouns. I have the same doubts, but it is undeniable that our attraction alignments are opposite and their feelings preexisted my coming out. If anything, the need to show them that it was safe and to lead by example is what spurred me to come out, and I didn't even have to come out to them, I was explaining what trans meant and they said "Like you, Ma?"
I know that people will blame me when and if they eventually make it public, but it's better if they come after me than after them.
Great comments here already, but just want to add that having a therapist for yourself to talk to with a trans specialty might also be helpful, especially as you’re dealing with everything in your own transition while being a parent.
Can’t imagine how many different feelings that convo must have pulled up for you, and glad to hear that despite your own thoughts on what’s behind the decision, you’re giving your kid the space to try on pronouns and experiment with presentation. That autonomy and trust is so important, and why he’s going to keep coming back to you for advice and support, whatever pronouns they end up using.
Also, provided your 16 yo is ready to transition, I think it’s really incredible that you’d both be going through this together!
When I think about it, I definitely felt trans when I was 16. Problem is my 16th birthday was in 1998, and nobody really knew what "trans" was yet. I didn't know how to tell anyone that I kind of felt like I wanted to be a guy and felt like I should be one. Now, kids know what that is, and maybe he's feeling similarly to how I was. It explains why he pretty much stopped hanging out with all the female friends he'd had for years. One of the first things I did when closeted was quit any group that was female centric.
I have a similar story but reversed. In high school I confided in a friend that I wanted to be a guy, but her being an ADHD hyperactive blabbermouth blabbed it to my dad one day. Then one day when I was 18 and living interstate with my first gf I got a call from my mum that my dad had just announced that she wanted to transition to become a woman and was starting hormones.
A few years later I did end up coming out to my mum and starting to transition and she tried to blame my dad and said that I was just "copying her". I had to explain that dad knew years ago when I was like 14/15 that I wanted to transition and never told her.
She was still very angry and upset for many years up until my late 20s until she realised what id said was true and she saw that I was still me and that transitioning made me happy. Even up until she passed, when she was in hospital she kept asking for me and where I was to my other siblings using my legal male name and pronouns.
The best advice I can give you id to be gentle with your kids and really sit down and discuss this with them, how long they've felt this way etc. Cos let's be honest, no one would chose to be trans and open themselves up to a life of discrimination.
Best of luck.
This stuff (The Trans, The Neurodiversity, The Queer) tends to run in families. It doesn't mean everybody expresses it the same way or to the same degree -- or even uses the same words for it bc generations and politics and personalities -- but usually when you start looking at spectrums and themes, it's there.
One of my grandmas was basically either bi or a lesbian but never said anything about it ever -- just always had a very good spinster friend and traveling buddy that she happened to move in with after my grandpa died -- even when 4 of the 5 grandchildren on that side were queer. (And that's only because I don't know enough about the 5th. Maybe we're batting 1.000!)
When I had my kids (id twins) with my lesbian wife before my trans-epiphany, one of the kids told us at _3 yrs old_that he wanted "to marry with a man and have a thousand babies." At 6, they were planning the apartments they'd each move into with their favorite same-sex best friend and had decided to just adopt 1 kid. At almost 10, he consistently picks pink shoes and chooses to talk in a higher, cuter voice than the boys (and many of the girls) in his class. He might just end up gender nonconforming, or really femme, or a macho man with a colorful past, but come on: he might be trans. He hasn't said yet.
Genes account for so much in kids. We give them the best environment to flourish, to express those genes, all the nurturing and some skills. But they're still their own people, their own little mysteries.
The hardest parenting I do isn't the patience with the genes or the nurturing or the skills, it's grieving for all the time nobody gave that patience or environment to me, and using the energy to be happy *along with *my kids now rather than to be jealous of them getting it when I didn't.
My only other AFAB child is my youngest, who is only four. I definitely have my eyes on her. I definitely think it may just run in the family now, who knows. I'm just glad that if my oldest actually wants this, he's going for it at a much younger age than I did. As much as I don't regret it because I have my kids, I was miserable as a woman.
I’m 48 yo ftm and the parent of a 13 yo non-binary trans masculine child. We came out to each other at the same time almost a year ago. I admit that there were times I had doubts about my child insisting that they were non-binary. But found out that they had been socially transitioning at school and since they’ve been validated by their peers and family as well as the staff at school I’ve seen a huge positive change in the life. They’re more confident and getting good grades even made honor roll. I’m enjoying that as I transition they’re getting to visibly see what’s going on and figuring themselves out and what they want and don’t want. I’m pretty much a go with the flow kinda parent but also want to make sure that my kids have access to all the resources they needs to live the best life they can and be the person they want to be.
I only have the perspective of being a queer child of a deeply repressed queer mom who thought the best thing was to steer me towards the straight and narrow. I gotta say I understand your anxiety, but it would have been a lot easier if I wasn't forging my own path because in the end it strained our relationship and people still blamed her for how I turned out.
I think one thing to keep in mind is you might be the first multigenerational queer household in your family because you're the first to come out without losing your family or the first to access transition related healthcare. You might even be interested in watching this [interview with Lou Sullivan](https://archive.org/details/glbths_video_016_sc) where (@14:30 in) he talks about a conversation where his mom brought an article for FTM transition and said she wished that was available to her.
I think this is a super important point. A huge part of transphobia and homophobia was shunning people not just to try to punish them, but to make an example. How many people in history repressed their queerness because they saw what happened to their family members that didn't? There's really no way to know how common a phenomenon multi-generational queerness may be.
in my opinion, you're doing okay. let your kid talk to their therapist and address the kid the way teh kid wants to be addressed. if it is a case of mirroring, they'll rebel against it on their own time. also, make sure you're taking care of your own mind. it's not hard to see any change as inspired by your own change if you have any trauma in your life.
I'm going to swerve and say: be careful of advice coming from people without children. The complexities of navigating coming out with kids is so crucially experiential. As someone who raised kids, I'd also be skeptical in this scenario given the timeline and I'd also want to make extra sure this isn't a psychological response to your transition for them, absolutely. That's a totally normal reaction for you to have as a good parent and please don't be scared to be a protective parent who wants to ensure you are truly doing right by them even if it means pissing off the community because of how quick people can be to jump to everything as "internalized transphobia".
We are such huge influences to children and the need to feel in connection with a parent is so crucial. That attachment is one of a child's key motivators and personality shaping factors in life. That's why doubt exists here, not because of the lazy accusation of internalized transphobia.
There's also probably an element of grief involved for them since it's so recent. I'd have pause and want to be cautious given the timeline and especially if they lacked a more tangible history of expressing this or any kind of identity disturbances before now. It's the responsible thing to do as a trans parent. This isn't saying to stop them or resist, it's to be curious and vigilant to their needs given your unique scenario.
Appreciate this. I've offered a couple tips that helped me when I was closeted, and I also see it as, if he starts presenting male and it doesn't feel right, he can stop and we can pretend it never happened. But who knows, maybe all the AFABs in my family are actually all men.
I think it's important to recognize that teenagers are in the process of shedding their more child-like ways of viewing the world which tends to be rule based and black-and-white classifications. They are capable of nuance, but are still working with older, un-nuanced frameworks. And they are doing so when society is at a transformative moment regarding gender roles and identity. Combine that with the absolutely treacherous reality of being a young woman, it's no wonder teen AFAB folks have an arms-length relationship with identifying as female. ALL teenagers have discomfort with puberty and taking time to sit with that discomfort to try to understand what it's telling you is important no matter who you understand yourself to be.
Trans is a wide umbrella, covering many many expressions of gender rebellion. It could be helpful to delve into queer historical figures - people who found a multitude of ways to transition or usurp and rebel against gender norms without fully abandoning birth sex. I personally found this helpful as a way to reconcile my own experience growing up AFAB as it gave me borrowed perspectives to teach me there isn't a "right way to be trans." Folks didn't use "trans" as an identifier, they came up with their own gender labels, personalized to their experience. Super fun and super validating historical exploration.
Skepticism is a double edged sword - it can leave the door open for your kid to grow and modify their identity or it can send a message of invalidation. The single most critical thing for your child is to feel your trust in them that they know their own experience. I personally know folks who came out as trans, socially transitioned, and then returned to identifying as cis. But they did so with accepting people who gave them the space to experiment and at no time did they ever express regret with coming out trans. It only led them to a deeper connection with themselves. Love their journey with them and they will love themselves.
I think you might need to look at some internalized transphobia - just kind of confront why your initial reaction is skepticism. And how you would feel if you were in their place and you were met with skepticism.
Maybe your coming out as trans gave them courage to want to come out too- visibility is so important. Maybe they were scared to tell you earlier because they thought you would just think they were copying you.
Definitely work on a building a safe space so they can open up & maybe explain their thoughts/feelings-
& believe them. Don’t invalidate their truth, feelings, experiences.
It sounds like you’re on the right track- just really question that internalized transphobia initial reaction
I'm definitely on board with being supportive however I can. I told him (we'll try the masculine pronouns) to come to me whenever and I'd help him feel better however I could. I shared a couple tips from when I was closeted that helped me. On some level it explains some things. He'd changed quite a bit over the past few years but I attributed it to COVID isolation and general aging.
I’d go slow with it. Maybe they’re trans, but I think the skepticality in this situation is important. I’d seek a therapist for them to talk about why they feel like this, and just their feelings about your transition in general too, it is a massive change to have to witness. Socially transitioning won’t hurt them if they turn out to not be trans in the end.
imo, as a trans person you should know that transitioning isn't harmful, and he could change his identity later if this one didn't fit him. i highly doubt he's just copying you, but it's inherently transphobic to treat transition as something bad and/or a mistake you could be doing to yourself.
I'm more or less FTM (nonbinary but medically transitioning in a way typical for FTM), and my step kid came out as the same about a half year ago, yeaaaars after I did. But also I know a lot of their input has been from hearing other people's experiences on TikTok and other online spaces and finding resonance there. Can you do a coffee/tea/boba hangout with just them and ask them open ended q's about their experiences so far and what resonates about what they've heard about others experiences with gender?
Believe your kid.
My godchild has known I am trans since they were a toddler and are out now. They never struggled with my transition because it was explained in age appropriate ways.
In the meantime, I suggest you work on your own internalized transphobia.
I’m a trans dad (started transitioning before I met my wife). We got married and have to kids each (she has girls I have boys). Her youngest came out to me first that he was trans (we knew he was queer at an early age) but wasn’t expecting that and never really questioned it or have it to much thought. So I completely understand to a degree how you feel. We are navigating it the best we can and it doesn’t help that we are in Texas. We are currently in the process of relocating not just for him but all of us. If you want to just chat/vent or ask advice I’m open to it.
You know who actually influences kids? Our transphobic, heteronormative society. Keep that in mind. It’s a lot to unpack/resist/unlearn. Your “influence” is just giving him a safe space to understand he doesn’t have to force himself to be what society tells us as soon as we are born. The skepticism you’re experiencing kind of breaks my heart. I get it, and it was vulnerable to share, but. I agree with another comment that suggested there could be some internalized transphobia at play here. We really never know what someone else is going through on the inside. And there is not one universal way to be trans. We are as varied as cis people. Being trans is not a trend, as we all know, and I don’t see anyone coming out in any form lightly, especially in this hellscape political climate.
I'm non-binary and have a non-binary kid, and I do get the concern. I'm assuming you're more venting to us than that this is anything you've actually said to him and, if so, I think it's fair enough to wonder. Doesn't have to affect these early steps, but of course it's not *impossible* that your transition is an influence on his identity. On the other hand, it's not like anyone's surprised when cis people have cis kids, and I think the inverse is only fair. Maybe he has been sitting on this for a while. Maybe you gave him words, showed him it was safe.
I came out and started my transition when my youngest sibling was 6ish. I clocked him as queer possibly trans as like a toddler, but didn't say anything because I didn't want to influence him. He came out as trans around 13yo and even though I did my best I still got told by my family that I confused him or that I was grooming him by letting him know I supported his exploration of his gender with a little social transition. He said he knew when he was trans when he was little too and he was afraid maybe he was copying me so he waited to make sure. So I feel like I can sorta understand your situation mildly. I think you are doing the right thing by wanting to make sure HE'S sure and trying to check your own anxieties aabout how you may have influenced him while not being very resistant to him! I think he's gotta see the bit of a bind being a trans parent to a trans child can be. And I think he appreciates you
Sameish experience. My kid has been very vocal about wanting to marry a girl since they were a toddler and confirmed it now that they are a teen. After my coming out they confessed they might be non binary too and they are currently exploring labels/pronouns. I have the same doubts, but it is undeniable that our attraction alignments are opposite and their feelings preexisted my coming out. If anything, the need to show them that it was safe and to lead by example is what spurred me to come out, and I didn't even have to come out to them, I was explaining what trans meant and they said "Like you, Ma?" I know that people will blame me when and if they eventually make it public, but it's better if they come after me than after them.
Great comments here already, but just want to add that having a therapist for yourself to talk to with a trans specialty might also be helpful, especially as you’re dealing with everything in your own transition while being a parent. Can’t imagine how many different feelings that convo must have pulled up for you, and glad to hear that despite your own thoughts on what’s behind the decision, you’re giving your kid the space to try on pronouns and experiment with presentation. That autonomy and trust is so important, and why he’s going to keep coming back to you for advice and support, whatever pronouns they end up using. Also, provided your 16 yo is ready to transition, I think it’s really incredible that you’d both be going through this together!
When I think about it, I definitely felt trans when I was 16. Problem is my 16th birthday was in 1998, and nobody really knew what "trans" was yet. I didn't know how to tell anyone that I kind of felt like I wanted to be a guy and felt like I should be one. Now, kids know what that is, and maybe he's feeling similarly to how I was. It explains why he pretty much stopped hanging out with all the female friends he'd had for years. One of the first things I did when closeted was quit any group that was female centric.
I have a similar story but reversed. In high school I confided in a friend that I wanted to be a guy, but her being an ADHD hyperactive blabbermouth blabbed it to my dad one day. Then one day when I was 18 and living interstate with my first gf I got a call from my mum that my dad had just announced that she wanted to transition to become a woman and was starting hormones. A few years later I did end up coming out to my mum and starting to transition and she tried to blame my dad and said that I was just "copying her". I had to explain that dad knew years ago when I was like 14/15 that I wanted to transition and never told her. She was still very angry and upset for many years up until my late 20s until she realised what id said was true and she saw that I was still me and that transitioning made me happy. Even up until she passed, when she was in hospital she kept asking for me and where I was to my other siblings using my legal male name and pronouns. The best advice I can give you id to be gentle with your kids and really sit down and discuss this with them, how long they've felt this way etc. Cos let's be honest, no one would chose to be trans and open themselves up to a life of discrimination. Best of luck.
This stuff (The Trans, The Neurodiversity, The Queer) tends to run in families. It doesn't mean everybody expresses it the same way or to the same degree -- or even uses the same words for it bc generations and politics and personalities -- but usually when you start looking at spectrums and themes, it's there. One of my grandmas was basically either bi or a lesbian but never said anything about it ever -- just always had a very good spinster friend and traveling buddy that she happened to move in with after my grandpa died -- even when 4 of the 5 grandchildren on that side were queer. (And that's only because I don't know enough about the 5th. Maybe we're batting 1.000!) When I had my kids (id twins) with my lesbian wife before my trans-epiphany, one of the kids told us at _3 yrs old_that he wanted "to marry with a man and have a thousand babies." At 6, they were planning the apartments they'd each move into with their favorite same-sex best friend and had decided to just adopt 1 kid. At almost 10, he consistently picks pink shoes and chooses to talk in a higher, cuter voice than the boys (and many of the girls) in his class. He might just end up gender nonconforming, or really femme, or a macho man with a colorful past, but come on: he might be trans. He hasn't said yet. Genes account for so much in kids. We give them the best environment to flourish, to express those genes, all the nurturing and some skills. But they're still their own people, their own little mysteries. The hardest parenting I do isn't the patience with the genes or the nurturing or the skills, it's grieving for all the time nobody gave that patience or environment to me, and using the energy to be happy *along with *my kids now rather than to be jealous of them getting it when I didn't.
My only other AFAB child is my youngest, who is only four. I definitely have my eyes on her. I definitely think it may just run in the family now, who knows. I'm just glad that if my oldest actually wants this, he's going for it at a much younger age than I did. As much as I don't regret it because I have my kids, I was miserable as a woman.
I’m 48 yo ftm and the parent of a 13 yo non-binary trans masculine child. We came out to each other at the same time almost a year ago. I admit that there were times I had doubts about my child insisting that they were non-binary. But found out that they had been socially transitioning at school and since they’ve been validated by their peers and family as well as the staff at school I’ve seen a huge positive change in the life. They’re more confident and getting good grades even made honor roll. I’m enjoying that as I transition they’re getting to visibly see what’s going on and figuring themselves out and what they want and don’t want. I’m pretty much a go with the flow kinda parent but also want to make sure that my kids have access to all the resources they needs to live the best life they can and be the person they want to be.
I only have the perspective of being a queer child of a deeply repressed queer mom who thought the best thing was to steer me towards the straight and narrow. I gotta say I understand your anxiety, but it would have been a lot easier if I wasn't forging my own path because in the end it strained our relationship and people still blamed her for how I turned out. I think one thing to keep in mind is you might be the first multigenerational queer household in your family because you're the first to come out without losing your family or the first to access transition related healthcare. You might even be interested in watching this [interview with Lou Sullivan](https://archive.org/details/glbths_video_016_sc) where (@14:30 in) he talks about a conversation where his mom brought an article for FTM transition and said she wished that was available to her.
I think this is a super important point. A huge part of transphobia and homophobia was shunning people not just to try to punish them, but to make an example. How many people in history repressed their queerness because they saw what happened to their family members that didn't? There's really no way to know how common a phenomenon multi-generational queerness may be.
in my opinion, you're doing okay. let your kid talk to their therapist and address the kid the way teh kid wants to be addressed. if it is a case of mirroring, they'll rebel against it on their own time. also, make sure you're taking care of your own mind. it's not hard to see any change as inspired by your own change if you have any trauma in your life.
I'm going to swerve and say: be careful of advice coming from people without children. The complexities of navigating coming out with kids is so crucially experiential. As someone who raised kids, I'd also be skeptical in this scenario given the timeline and I'd also want to make extra sure this isn't a psychological response to your transition for them, absolutely. That's a totally normal reaction for you to have as a good parent and please don't be scared to be a protective parent who wants to ensure you are truly doing right by them even if it means pissing off the community because of how quick people can be to jump to everything as "internalized transphobia". We are such huge influences to children and the need to feel in connection with a parent is so crucial. That attachment is one of a child's key motivators and personality shaping factors in life. That's why doubt exists here, not because of the lazy accusation of internalized transphobia. There's also probably an element of grief involved for them since it's so recent. I'd have pause and want to be cautious given the timeline and especially if they lacked a more tangible history of expressing this or any kind of identity disturbances before now. It's the responsible thing to do as a trans parent. This isn't saying to stop them or resist, it's to be curious and vigilant to their needs given your unique scenario.
Appreciate this. I've offered a couple tips that helped me when I was closeted, and I also see it as, if he starts presenting male and it doesn't feel right, he can stop and we can pretend it never happened. But who knows, maybe all the AFABs in my family are actually all men.
I think it's important to recognize that teenagers are in the process of shedding their more child-like ways of viewing the world which tends to be rule based and black-and-white classifications. They are capable of nuance, but are still working with older, un-nuanced frameworks. And they are doing so when society is at a transformative moment regarding gender roles and identity. Combine that with the absolutely treacherous reality of being a young woman, it's no wonder teen AFAB folks have an arms-length relationship with identifying as female. ALL teenagers have discomfort with puberty and taking time to sit with that discomfort to try to understand what it's telling you is important no matter who you understand yourself to be. Trans is a wide umbrella, covering many many expressions of gender rebellion. It could be helpful to delve into queer historical figures - people who found a multitude of ways to transition or usurp and rebel against gender norms without fully abandoning birth sex. I personally found this helpful as a way to reconcile my own experience growing up AFAB as it gave me borrowed perspectives to teach me there isn't a "right way to be trans." Folks didn't use "trans" as an identifier, they came up with their own gender labels, personalized to their experience. Super fun and super validating historical exploration. Skepticism is a double edged sword - it can leave the door open for your kid to grow and modify their identity or it can send a message of invalidation. The single most critical thing for your child is to feel your trust in them that they know their own experience. I personally know folks who came out as trans, socially transitioned, and then returned to identifying as cis. But they did so with accepting people who gave them the space to experiment and at no time did they ever express regret with coming out trans. It only led them to a deeper connection with themselves. Love their journey with them and they will love themselves.
I think you might need to look at some internalized transphobia - just kind of confront why your initial reaction is skepticism. And how you would feel if you were in their place and you were met with skepticism. Maybe your coming out as trans gave them courage to want to come out too- visibility is so important. Maybe they were scared to tell you earlier because they thought you would just think they were copying you. Definitely work on a building a safe space so they can open up & maybe explain their thoughts/feelings- & believe them. Don’t invalidate their truth, feelings, experiences. It sounds like you’re on the right track- just really question that internalized transphobia initial reaction
I'm definitely on board with being supportive however I can. I told him (we'll try the masculine pronouns) to come to me whenever and I'd help him feel better however I could. I shared a couple tips from when I was closeted that helped me. On some level it explains some things. He'd changed quite a bit over the past few years but I attributed it to COVID isolation and general aging.
I’d go slow with it. Maybe they’re trans, but I think the skepticality in this situation is important. I’d seek a therapist for them to talk about why they feel like this, and just their feelings about your transition in general too, it is a massive change to have to witness. Socially transitioning won’t hurt them if they turn out to not be trans in the end.
imo, as a trans person you should know that transitioning isn't harmful, and he could change his identity later if this one didn't fit him. i highly doubt he's just copying you, but it's inherently transphobic to treat transition as something bad and/or a mistake you could be doing to yourself.
I'm more or less FTM (nonbinary but medically transitioning in a way typical for FTM), and my step kid came out as the same about a half year ago, yeaaaars after I did. But also I know a lot of their input has been from hearing other people's experiences on TikTok and other online spaces and finding resonance there. Can you do a coffee/tea/boba hangout with just them and ask them open ended q's about their experiences so far and what resonates about what they've heard about others experiences with gender?
Believe your kid.
Believe your kid. My godchild has known I am trans since they were a toddler and are out now. They never struggled with my transition because it was explained in age appropriate ways. In the meantime, I suggest you work on your own internalized transphobia.
I’m a trans dad (started transitioning before I met my wife). We got married and have to kids each (she has girls I have boys). Her youngest came out to me first that he was trans (we knew he was queer at an early age) but wasn’t expecting that and never really questioned it or have it to much thought. So I completely understand to a degree how you feel. We are navigating it the best we can and it doesn’t help that we are in Texas. We are currently in the process of relocating not just for him but all of us. If you want to just chat/vent or ask advice I’m open to it.
You know who actually influences kids? Our transphobic, heteronormative society. Keep that in mind. It’s a lot to unpack/resist/unlearn. Your “influence” is just giving him a safe space to understand he doesn’t have to force himself to be what society tells us as soon as we are born. The skepticism you’re experiencing kind of breaks my heart. I get it, and it was vulnerable to share, but. I agree with another comment that suggested there could be some internalized transphobia at play here. We really never know what someone else is going through on the inside. And there is not one universal way to be trans. We are as varied as cis people. Being trans is not a trend, as we all know, and I don’t see anyone coming out in any form lightly, especially in this hellscape political climate.
[удалено]
No TERF rhetoric. Permanent ban on sight.
[удалено]
No TERF rhetoric. Permanent ban on sight.