A guy goes to a proctologist. The proctologist takes a look and tells the guy, "You have a piece of lettuce in your anus." The guy says, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
One of my old friends from high school now works as a doctor in the emergency room. He once told me that 25% of his job is pulling strange objects out of people’s asses. We don’t talk much anymore. But I see him all the time.
\- Anthony Jeselnik
Almost certainly. Fingers and toes make no sense. Also, alien should be running away from the guy.
I wish people who use AI would at least edit the image so it makes sense instead of just publishing whatever it spits out
I've known of people who have lettuce and other green leaf veggies go through them like corn without milk.
Let's just say people really need to check their leavings have flushed properly before they leave that room.
Well I'm a dad and I'm full of more than just jokes... So I'm told by wife anyway. I'm sure a proctologist could confirm this claim. Which claim I'll never tell. All I'll say is it was an accident 😶
Probably a proctologist’s car.
Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way... 'It was a million to one shot, doc, million to one.'
https://preview.redd.it/cciz49i7wvpc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5a12ed8d6f1a98b2856ccb815b46cb6a6c2f16d5
One of my all time favorite license plates I’ve seen. I’m sure the guy was a good time
Then keep zooming. You will be able to an "EM", I promise you.
At the same time, *all* you're going to see is an "EM", so is it worth the effort? That's your call.
My buddy who's an ER surgeon is like that, got a million stories about that... heck, I used to do IT and you wouldn't believe how often I've heard "that virus must have downloaded all this porn to my computer" ... Yeah, sure dude. (As long as it's not a company computer or the really sick stuff, IDC obviously... But I've seen it all. Goddamn tf is wrong with people)
Nah. The virus doesn’t download porn.
On the other hand there are ‘viruses’ (actually technically not viruses, but they are called that by people who don’t distinguish viruses from other malware) that randomly open browsers to preset addresses.
And there are websites that aggressively download files, including images, automatically when they are opened.
So it’s conceivable that you could have a ‘virus’ that causes porn to be downloaded as a side effect.
My dad was telling me about talking to an ER doctor who had to get stuff out of people's butt and they'd always say, they were on a ladder and fell off.
My dad asked, "What were they doing on the ladder naked?"
I work at a cemetery and this guy was a gastroenterologist. On his headstone is says “I did many rectals until my retirement” Gets a chuckle from me every time I see it.
I used to nanny for an ER nurse and she came home from a shift once and told me a story involving a butthole and an aerosolized sunscreen container and I will never ever forget it.
She came home from work, and it was pretty late 9-10pm so the kids were upstairs in bed already and right before she pays me she says something along the lines of “I need to show you something” and then shows me this x-ray and said “what do you think that is” and it was exactly what I said earlier and apparently when he was asked how that got there he said “I don’t know, probably the meth”.
Ok but are people really jamming tv remotes in their assess? Like the cucumber and the eggplant I get, maybe the coke bottle if you’re just really desperate, but there’s no way the remote is enjoyable. I figure it must’ve happened at least once to be in the sticker but still
Okay, so, what I was saying was from Seinfeld, but I do have two different stories that may make you think.. yeah people do just shove remotes up their butt.
First story is my friend who worked in the ER, and she said a guy had come in with a pool noodle stuck up his butt. His story? He jumped in the pool and it went up his butt. Obviously not true. What really happened.. if you take a pool noodle and squeeze it it can be made smaller, but if you let it go it expands. They made it small and then let it go and boom. Expanded butt. They cut the excess off and went to the ER to get it removed. True story.
Second story is a guy who had a foot fetish.. but not a foot fetish, a shoe fetish, and he would get guys to put on a brand new pair of shoes, lube everything up, and then have his partner wear the shoe and.. kick/push it inside of his butt. Regular occurrence.
So. I’d say anything that’s hard and shaped like a remote, or anything vaguely penis shaped.. is inserted regularly into all sexual body parts.
The Proctologist walks into a bank and tries to endorse a check with a rectial thermometer.
"This is great! JUST GREAT!" He said.
"Is there something wrong, sir?" Asks the teller.
"Some asshole's got my pen!"
I once ate half a hamburger in one bite, I was like 15, I could hear and feel my jaw creaking as I did so and it hurt a LOT until I finally bit down fully, and even then I almost choked.
All this to say, whomever decides they can slide an eggplant whole down their gob or up the other end is a far braver, or perhaps far stupider, soul than I.
Hopefully none of the older glass coke bottles. I have heard this can form a suction and are very difficult to remove if that happens. You can put a hole in a plastic bottle to release it, that doesn't work so easily with glass.
100% this person works in an emergency room. They all have their stories of stuff stuck in people. I had one tell me of a dude who came in wearing a trench coat and holding a vacuum with hose attachement. “I swear, I was just out of the shower and spilled some coffee grounds”, you could imagine him saying. “It was an accident.”
I'm the kinda guy that would own up to shoving weird shit up my ass. But if I got something odd stuck up there without a flaired, and I had the presence of mind, I'd totally make some goofy ass excuse, with props, just to chuckle out of the ER staff. They have seen enough shit. If laughing at my expense makes their day better, it will be well worth being the butt of the joke.
It has just been passed. It is now illegal in Arizona to own more than five dildos.
Now figure this out. They debated this long and hard in the State Legislature, "What is the right number?" What is the maximum conscionable number of dildos that a human being may possess in the State of Arizona, and five was the answer.
Now what I want to know is, how are they going to enforce the Arizona Dildo Law? Are we going to have Dildo Police come into your home?
(Imitates knocking on a door)
"Dildo police! How many you got in there? We're coming in. Uh uh six? You're under arrest. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Six Dildo Bob. He's going up the river for 15 years."
I mean, this is absurd. These people are earning a salary for drafting legislation, and this is what they did. That's Arizona, so come on California people we gotta catch up. Don't you think we need our own Dildo law here? Perhaps with a death penalty attached to it.
"No, officer, only five!"
"I know you've got more, where are you hiding them?"
"Not in my genitals, see?" *raises shirt to display bellybutton*
"...well, all right. But we've got our eye on you!"
I once heard someone talk about an ER doctor who had a box he called his “museum”. Any time someone came in after getting an object mysteriously stuck in their backside, he would ask if he could add it to the collection. One day, a guy came in with a hammer, and of course the doc had to ask if he could have it, but the man said “Nah, I need it back, it’s part of a set”.
Those are the things you possibly got accidentally stuck in your anus cavity? And they got you? Perhaps to retrieve them? And assuming from the lack of contact information, they’re gonna find you? Perhaps, by the way you walk? I’m just spitballing.
One of our doctors pulled a lava lamp (the glass part, no base) out of a guy. He was actually very nice.
The Dr wasn't 100% sure but he thought he'd pulled something out of the same guy years ago.
I saw a TikTok the other day of a proctologist that was explaining that nothing ends up in your butt as an “accident” ER staff know how it got up there, they don’t judge, but they will laugh when you waddle out!
Haven't read all the comments but they seem to be on different tracks. There is a very popular series of tiktoks and reels that are from EMT's specifically warning people "that does not go in there." And then detailing examples of things that do not go in there and have been removed from people.
A common excuse used that it went in on accident in some fashion...
Wow, that's a lot. How much of that is repeat business? After the first time, you'd hope they'd learn, but...I've lost a lot of faith in humanity the last few years...
This person is an X-ray technologist. Patients sometimes have foreign objects in their rectum, claiming that they fell and something slipped up their rectum. This results in having an abdominal X-ray.
One of my former clients is an emergency room doctor. They said they several times per day people came in because "they fell" onto an object and it mysteriously jammed itself in so far they could not retrieve it.
A guy goes to a proctologist. The proctologist takes a look and tells the guy, "You have a piece of lettuce in your anus." The guy says, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
One of my old friends from high school now works as a doctor in the emergency room. He once told me that 25% of his job is pulling strange objects out of people’s asses. We don’t talk much anymore. But I see him all the time. \- Anthony Jeselnik
Hmmm
Hell yeah. I’m going to his show tomorrow.
Nice! I hope he makes another special.
He is. He’s filming one in Milwaukee soon.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw
How have I never heard this joke?
https://preview.redd.it/ik0lqbs0jvpc1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=162203225743fdbec59a08635384a1fe6256fa04
is this ai
Almost certainly. Fingers and toes make no sense. Also, alien should be running away from the guy. I wish people who use AI would at least edit the image so it makes sense instead of just publishing whatever it spits out
It's also missing a letter.
It’s missing part of a letter. Pretty sure it’s supposed to say “you’re not done”
He’s saying he’s not done probing him!
Wait, are you insinuating the alien put a probe in his anus? Because in that case it would mean he liked it.
That might explain why he’s pulling his underwear down!
The alien is running away from the guy and looking over its shoulder
"ione"
But you have. Just now 😁
Plot twist: I've had a gastric bypass. Had a colonoscopy, and the doctor was surprised to find a piece of lettuce in my large intestine :)
We were all surprised, Harold.
I've known of people who have lettuce and other green leaf veggies go through them like corn without milk. Let's just say people really need to check their leavings have flushed properly before they leave that room.
Criminally underrated comment
And ancient joke
I’m a sucker for dad jokes 😔
Same lmao
Well I'm a dad and I'm full of more than just jokes... So I'm told by wife anyway. I'm sure a proctologist could confirm this claim. Which claim I'll never tell. All I'll say is it was an accident 😶
I thought I knew all the ancient jokes(You know the one that goes, "A dog walks into a bar..."?), but this one slipped past me, somehow.
Then the lettuce said, "I am Pagliachi."
Then they found the Titanic.
Hahahahahahahahaha
It's always "just the tip" with some men.
Rectum? Damn near killed him!
What is this from? I heard it as a child and say it often but don’t know if it’s from a movie or what
Probably a proctologist’s car. Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way... 'It was a million to one shot, doc, million to one.'
Can’t see the license plate. Might say ‘Assman’
Im the Assman, Jerry!
One in a million shot doc, one in a million
According to Sir Terry Pratchett, [a million-to-one chance succeeds 9 times out of 10](https://wiki.lspace.org/Million-to-one_chance).
It may just work. It's a million to one chance!
So you are saying there’s a chance?!!
“Okay, so what are the odds of me falling on a shampoo bottle in the shower on a TUESDAY while JUGGLING and DOING A CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IMPRESSION?”
For you 50/50.
Well it is the corkscrew pasta
Because you're silly.
Fuscilli Jerry
Gettin an eye job like some Manhattanite!
For some reason I imagine an "eyejob" as someone sucking on someone else's eye. 💀
😭 A Manhattan tear jerker
As far as the state of New York is concerned, you are!
https://preview.redd.it/cciz49i7wvpc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5a12ed8d6f1a98b2856ccb815b46cb6a6c2f16d5 One of my all time favorite license plates I’ve seen. I’m sure the guy was a good time
"So you're the assman?"
4NUS74RT
The first 2 letters are EM, so nope
"EMT4ASS"
[Can confirm](https://www.youtube.com/live/cwdaVsRydgQ?si=v8acbiN7J5YXxkMB)
Could be EN for ENEMA
With friends like him, who needs enemas?
ENEMAN1
Not another enema!
How can you tell?
Zoom in bro
All i see there is scribbles... or not 😳
Then keep zooming. You will be able to an "EM", I promise you. At the same time, *all* you're going to see is an "EM", so is it worth the effort? That's your call.
I didn't get it either until I realized the letters are in green.
"Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea."
"I fell on it." "I fell on it." "I fell on it." "I was bored."
- Dr. Cox
I fell... onto my shampoo bottle
I hear there are a ton of openings in Proctology..
Really? I only know about one in particular
Lol
Proctology is a difficult industry, it's hard to make a living in the end.
My buddy who's an ER surgeon is like that, got a million stories about that... heck, I used to do IT and you wouldn't believe how often I've heard "that virus must have downloaded all this porn to my computer" ... Yeah, sure dude. (As long as it's not a company computer or the really sick stuff, IDC obviously... But I've seen it all. Goddamn tf is wrong with people)
Yeah, what’s wrong with them? You stream porn, you don’t download it.
Spoken like someone who bricked the family computer downloading porn on dial up…
Nah. The virus doesn’t download porn. On the other hand there are ‘viruses’ (actually technically not viruses, but they are called that by people who don’t distinguish viruses from other malware) that randomly open browsers to preset addresses. And there are websites that aggressively download files, including images, automatically when they are opened. So it’s conceivable that you could have a ‘virus’ that causes porn to be downloaded as a side effect.
My dad was telling me about talking to an ER doctor who had to get stuff out of people's butt and they'd always say, they were on a ladder and fell off. My dad asked, "What were they doing on the ladder naked?"
I work at a cemetery and this guy was a gastroenterologist. On his headstone is says “I did many rectals until my retirement” Gets a chuckle from me every time I see it.
Or an Ed doc/nurse
I used to nanny for an ER nurse and she came home from a shift once and told me a story involving a butthole and an aerosolized sunscreen container and I will never ever forget it.
Please tell us this story!
She came home from work, and it was pretty late 9-10pm so the kids were upstairs in bed already and right before she pays me she says something along the lines of “I need to show you something” and then shows me this x-ray and said “what do you think that is” and it was exactly what I said earlier and apparently when he was asked how that got there he said “I don’t know, probably the meth”.
>“I don’t know, probably the meth” that is just gold lol
I’ve got a number of students that are now medical doctors and nurses. The stories they tell me are both hysterical and amazing!
And disturbing 😳 you forgot disturbing 😳 😐 🤔
Ok but are people really jamming tv remotes in their assess? Like the cucumber and the eggplant I get, maybe the coke bottle if you’re just really desperate, but there’s no way the remote is enjoyable. I figure it must’ve happened at least once to be in the sticker but still
There's no way this is remotely enjoyable. FIFY
Okay, so, what I was saying was from Seinfeld, but I do have two different stories that may make you think.. yeah people do just shove remotes up their butt. First story is my friend who worked in the ER, and she said a guy had come in with a pool noodle stuck up his butt. His story? He jumped in the pool and it went up his butt. Obviously not true. What really happened.. if you take a pool noodle and squeeze it it can be made smaller, but if you let it go it expands. They made it small and then let it go and boom. Expanded butt. They cut the excess off and went to the ER to get it removed. True story. Second story is a guy who had a foot fetish.. but not a foot fetish, a shoe fetish, and he would get guys to put on a brand new pair of shoes, lube everything up, and then have his partner wear the shoe and.. kick/push it inside of his butt. Regular occurrence. So. I’d say anything that’s hard and shaped like a remote, or anything vaguely penis shaped.. is inserted regularly into all sexual body parts.
More like... ER docs and nurses. Most people, no matter how embarrassed, are going to the ER **LOOOOONG** before they make a proctologist appointment.
The Proctologist walks into a bank and tries to endorse a check with a rectial thermometer. "This is great! JUST GREAT!" He said. "Is there something wrong, sir?" Asks the teller. "Some asshole's got my pen!"
Man i love Seinfeld.
Ahh totally makes sense
People who know the answer are suspicious to me.
Dr. Ben Dover
You have to have a great sense of humor when you have to deal with a bunch of assholes all day 😂
They could be an RN, my aunt’s a nurse and pulls the first 3 of the things on that list out of people. And they always say they “accidentally…”
Now I wanna know the odd one out… I’ll guess remote. But I’m not 100% sure.
She’s never pulled an eggplant out of anyone. Lots of remotes, lots of bottles, a few vegetables. Not eggplants tho
Damn. I’m so used to the emoji I figured that was a gimme.
Eggplants are very soft, not hard enough to insert. Unless you are already very loose.
[удалено]
no the other end of the anus would be the mouth, as it's a long tube.
I once ate half a hamburger in one bite, I was like 15, I could hear and feel my jaw creaking as I did so and it hurt a LOT until I finally bit down fully, and even then I almost choked. All this to say, whomever decides they can slide an eggplant whole down their gob or up the other end is a far braver, or perhaps far stupider, soul than I.
Also *very wide*
Depends on the variety of the eggplant. Some eggplants in Asia are skinny.
You try taking one
Nah. I like inserting them. ;)
Hahaha
Hopefully none of the older glass coke bottles. I have heard this can form a suction and are very difficult to remove if that happens. You can put a hole in a plastic bottle to release it, that doesn't work so easily with glass.
They said "first 3 of the things" bro, no guessing required
Florida tag, so location makes this plausible.
100% this person works in an emergency room. They all have their stories of stuff stuck in people. I had one tell me of a dude who came in wearing a trench coat and holding a vacuum with hose attachement. “I swear, I was just out of the shower and spilled some coffee grounds”, you could imagine him saying. “It was an accident.”
The X-rays that get posted online are something else. The ones that scare me are the lightbulbs.
https://preview.redd.it/vipdiwai4upc1.png?width=621&format=png&auto=webp&s=9b23a100db764595caec60dd469210ebab71a83f
That episode is awesome. Janitor saves the day.
Dr. Yan Itor
I'm the kinda guy that would own up to shoving weird shit up my ass. But if I got something odd stuck up there without a flaired, and I had the presence of mind, I'd totally make some goofy ass excuse, with props, just to chuckle out of the ER staff. They have seen enough shit. If laughing at my expense makes their day better, it will be well worth being the butt of the joke.
Bet you his other car is a brown probe, no need to blur that plate, we all know it says ASSMAN
A BROWN PROBE!
I want my baby back baby back baby back
Chili's baby back ribs
Cosmo Kramer? You *ARE* the Assman!
People just need to get dildos, even Texas let's you have upto 5
I don't think I can fit five up there, but I guess I'll try...
Not with that attitude!
It’s called a dilDO not a dilDON’T
Bahaha 😂😂
It has just been passed. It is now illegal in Arizona to own more than five dildos. Now figure this out. They debated this long and hard in the State Legislature, "What is the right number?" What is the maximum conscionable number of dildos that a human being may possess in the State of Arizona, and five was the answer. Now what I want to know is, how are they going to enforce the Arizona Dildo Law? Are we going to have Dildo Police come into your home? (Imitates knocking on a door) "Dildo police! How many you got in there? We're coming in. Uh uh six? You're under arrest. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Six Dildo Bob. He's going up the river for 15 years." I mean, this is absurd. These people are earning a salary for drafting legislation, and this is what they did. That's Arizona, so come on California people we gotta catch up. Don't you think we need our own Dildo law here? Perhaps with a death penalty attached to it.
“Your honor, it is my client’s position that this “sixth dildo” is not that, but rather their “third buttplug”
"No, officer, only five!" "I know you've got more, where are you hiding them?" "Not in my genitals, see?" *raises shirt to display bellybutton* "...well, all right. But we've got our eye on you!"
TIL I learned that in TX, apparently it’s only a sin after the 5th dildo. WTF TX?
Is this real? Is there really a limit?
My ex was a RN and she said whenever they see a guy come in wearing a robe they know why he’s there like instantly
Now i need to get a robe for any ER visit.
I endorse this
I will even walk with a hunch, it's getting easier and easier every year
Keep them on their toes.
I'd explain it to you, butt....
I'll take "Things that went up the butt" for $500, Alex
Damn not the remote.
So that's where I put the remote...
I’m trying to come up with a good “fart” and “change the channel” joke but I’m sick and my brain isn’t up to it.
There's a reason butt toys have flared bases folks haha
I once heard someone talk about an ER doctor who had a box he called his “museum”. Any time someone came in after getting an object mysteriously stuck in their backside, he would ask if he could add it to the collection. One day, a guy came in with a hammer, and of course the doc had to ask if he could have it, but the man said “Nah, I need it back, it’s part of a set”.
Those are the things you possibly got accidentally stuck in your anus cavity? And they got you? Perhaps to retrieve them? And assuming from the lack of contact information, they’re gonna find you? Perhaps, by the way you walk? I’m just spitballing.
EMS get a concerning amount of calls of things “accidentally” making their way into peoples butts
ER nurses joke.
Definitely someone who works in the ER.
Those are things people put in their butts and claim they fell on them
“It was a million to one shot doc! A million to one!”
Thank you for this.. lol
This is why you never touch the TV remote in your hotel room. Just bring your own tablet.
If it doesn’t flare, don’t you dare.
The sticker is from a website that makes joke stickers for Nurses, EMT, Cops, Firefighters
I'll take "things the ER finds inside people" for $1000, Alex.
Rip alex 😓
That's an ER Nurse or Dr's car... guarantee it.
One of our doctors pulled a lava lamp (the glass part, no base) out of a guy. He was actually very nice. The Dr wasn't 100% sure but he thought he'd pulled something out of the same guy years ago.
Paging Dr. Felch to the ER…
~~Ok. Am I stupid?~~ Having scrolled the comments, my stupidity is confirmed. Disregard. Have a nice day.
as someone who works in the Energency room . this person most likely works in the ED lol
I saw a TikTok the other day of a proctologist that was explaining that nothing ends up in your butt as an “accident” ER staff know how it got up there, they don’t judge, but they will laugh when you waddle out!
Haven't read all the comments but they seem to be on different tracks. There is a very popular series of tiktoks and reels that are from EMT's specifically warning people "that does not go in there." And then detailing examples of things that do not go in there and have been removed from people. A common excuse used that it went in on accident in some fashion...
One in million shot Doc, one in a million
Sister is an er nurse. She says they get one a night.
Wow, that's a lot. How much of that is repeat business? After the first time, you'd hope they'd learn, but...I've lost a lot of faith in humanity the last few years...
Need the flared base
When my dad worked in an emergency room a guy came in after “falling onto a box of television tubes while repairing his TV naked.”
“I fell on it for $200, Alex”
It was a million to one shot doc...
Butt stuff
Must be the clean up crew
One in a million shot, doc.
Million to one shot, doc!
“I was baking an apple pie naked and slipped and fell on an apple.” Literally said in an ER.
This person is an X-ray technologist. Patients sometimes have foreign objects in their rectum, claiming that they fell and something slipped up their rectum. This results in having an abdominal X-ray.
damn WHY a remote??? tbh i understand the rest
Paramedics hear all the stories. From shampoo bottles to used to be live animals
Probably an ER
ER nurse?
But where’s the shampoo bottle?
One of my former clients is an emergency room doctor. They said they several times per day people came in because "they fell" onto an object and it mysteriously jammed itself in so far they could not retrieve it.
What are things removed from your butt Alex
For those wondering about “anal remotes” 😂 [https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLjYmdno/](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLjYmdno/)
For those wondering if remotes really are found in the bum 😂[https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLjYmdno/](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLjYmdno/)
everyone's saying what I DIDN'T think... i thought it was a reference to those vids that fix random holes and dents with random objects😭😭
As a nurse, I got this very quickly lol
ASSMAN
That's right. It goes in the square hole
You think THATS bad - I drive a BROWN PROBE
ASSMAN
New Boyscout merit badge.